The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #44 - TOM POPPA, Comedian, Actor, Podcaster

Episode Date: February 7, 2023

Tom Poppa is here to tell us about kids, dogs, barfing, and staying out of jail! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody. This is Harlan. Just before we get started, I want to remind you that I will be doing stand-up comedy live in Portland, Oregon, February 17th, 18th, and 19th at a great comedy club called Helium. And you can get your tickets at Harland Williams.com. That's February 17th to 19th at Helium in Portland, Oregon. And with that little bell, let's not waste any more time. Let's roll down the Harland Highway. And here we go. The best thing about babies is the way their heads smell. What does it smell like? Like heaven. Let me smell. A baby's head.

Right? Oh my God. That smells like a pepperage farm like chocolate double bun cake. What does it smell like to you? It smells like new tires. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams.

Sometimes I do most of the interview of this level. Oh, you're a whisperer. You're like a pod whisperer. Well, you knew that, right? Yeah. Well, I knew you're a horse whisperer and a dog whisper, but I didn't know you were a pod whisperer. Yes, I am.

Could I ask a favor just for this pod only? could you articulate, enunciate, and project for fuck's sake? And I don't mean that an aggressive way. I just mean I'm asking it from one whisper to another. Look, I welcome direction. Oh, good. I'm not one of those that like let me do it my way. You tell me what to do, I'll do it.

Just if you could just use a little volume and leave the whispering for when you get up to the graveyard and bury, you know who. Yes. Great. Well, then let's hit some theme music and let's rock and roll. Here we go. Well, now, Adasarot, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Harlan Highway. We have a very wonderful, special, juicy guest today. Comedian, writer, producer. Do you still do ballet? No, retired. Okay. Don't scratch the bow. Ballet. Tom Poppa is here, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, gang. That's a nice intro. Isn't that nice? Yeah, I'm energized. Well, before you get too energized, you're the only guest where I unfortunately

have to read a legal disclaimer before we get too deep into it. All right. Go for it. It's just to set the table, just to make sure we understand the rules and there's no litigation or anything. Best to be up front about this thing. If I can just read a quick little statement, Tom, Papa, and then we're off and running. It's just a quick little statement and I'll, here we go. Better now than get lawyers involved. Yeah, I just, you know, and it sort of stems from your name, Tom Papa, which isn't a very, it's kind of an unusual last name.

So I just want to get this out in the clear before we get going. I'm going to say this. Papa don't preach. I'm in trouble deep. Papa don't preach I've been losing sleep but I made up my mind I'm keeping my baby

I'm going to keep my baby ooh ooh daddy daddy if you could only see just how good he's been treating me you'd give your blessing right now because we are in love yada yada yada we are in love so please papa don't preach

I'm in trouble deep papa don't preach I've been losing sleep but I've made up my mind and I'm keeping my baby, I'm going to keep my baby, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. So just to, you know, get that out of the way, if you're okay. It's, I'd much rather do it this way than, then end up in the courts with that whole rigmarole. Okay. I'm totally comfortable with it. God, thank you. Do you valet? Do you do? I do when I park my car. Okay. What do you do? Because if you have a car, I'm not valeting yours, but you asked if I valet. Do you validate the valet? I acknowledge you're here, and I acknowledge,

we're talking, and therefore I do validate your existence. Thank you. Well, you asked. I'll validate you any time. I won't violate, but I'll validate. I have a book of dummies heads through time. Somebody made a collection. It's like a coffee table book of ventriloquist dummies.

I call it my family photo album, actually, but yeah, to tell me more. And I keep it down low by my shelf and seeing you having real. ventriloquist dummies. Oh, yeah. It's really freaking me out, is it? It's like they've come out of the book. Yeah, that's Little Coco. Sometimes when I don't have a guest, he sits there and he's my co-host,

Little Coco. Nice to see you. You know, what did you say? You said validate. Validate. And it made me think of another date, speed date. And I wonder if maybe just to, you know, help the folks watching ease into me and you as an entity here communicating and getting into a flow.

Do you want to do a quick speed date and just ask each other three questions each and see if we're compatible? On the clock? Ready? Do you want to time it? Okay, I'll time it. Okay. Oh, God, my lips are getting dry.

And I don't mean the lips on my mouth. No, this is good. It's a good way to meet people. I think you get out there. You guys got to get out there. I know it sounds corny, but just do it. It's a great way just to, you know, get a vibe for it. for each other before this gets too deep.

Yeah. Okay. I'm going to speed date it. What's a good speed date time? Why don't we say a minute 30? That's 90 seconds in Cleveland. Oh, okay. Hold on.

Let me change the time. Can I just adjust my hair before we speed date them? And go. Hi, my name is Harland. And I like sports. What kind of sports do you like? I don't really, not really into sports. Okay.

That's a big, huge. black checkmark. Oh, really? Why don't you ask a question? Because you're already deep in the hole, loser. So what do you like, what do you do for fun? I like duct tape, finding women in dark parking lots and driving to the desert in the middle of the night with a shovel.

How about you? Samezies. Oh, okay. That's so weird. That's so crazy. That's amazing. I love to go to movies, but I'm not going to say what genre of movie I like. I want to see what genre you look.

like to go. If me and you were at a movie theater with buttery popcorn and holding hands, what kind of movie would we go to? Let's say it at the same time. Spaghetti Westerns. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And also lasagna romance. Oh, come on.

My parents and my family are very important to me. Are your family important? Yes, I think family's very important. Oh, my God. I think they're very important. Do you want to have kids? No. Yes.

You do. I love children. I love to have a bunch of children. And last question, because Mike, I'm getting moist. Sexually, are you very traditional, or do you like to power plow like a snowblower riding through a buffalo snowstorm? Oh, time's up. That's so unfortunate. Oh, no.

Well, nice meeting you. Yeah. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. Could you imagine? No, I don't have to.

We just did it. Why do I need to imagine? Speaking of kids, I know you have. How many kids do you have? I have two. Be honest. Would you sell them? Like if you could get a good thing on eBay or something for them?

I don't think so. Okay. And it's really because I've been seeing. these, every time I travel now, I travel a lot. Yeah, yeah. I'm seeing more and more human trafficking signs, like in the bathrooms and these phone numbers and hot tips for human trafficking. I didn't realize it was such a thing. So I can only imagine that the, with there being so much, the value's got to be really low at this point. So what I'm saying, it's a bad time to sell. It's a, I think, I think we might, it might be it. Okay. So you're, you're, you're following your

the market closely. Smart. Yeah. Oh, that's so smart. Yeah. What if someone threw in an incentive, like, a nine-year-old kid and a 20-24 Jaguar? I'm buying. You're selling.

You're selling. I'm selling. Well, you sell the kid, but you get a Jaguar. Oh, in return. Yeah. And the money for the kid, whatever your price is. Mm-hmm. Not so easy now, is it, player?

I like Jaguars. Say goodbye to the junior. Yeah. Mine are grown now. They could be able to litigate. They could do their own thing. Oh, really? Yeah.

My selling days are behind me. Oh, God. I know. It goes so fast. You poor loss. It goes so fast. Is it worth it having kids? Like, I've never had them, but, you know, I hear so many kids, and it's probably

tough to be honest here, but I've had so many people go, oh, don't have kids. You know, but I've always. also have people you got to have kids. What's your take on having the kids? Yeah, I think ultimately it's worth it. Yeah. You love them so much. It's so much worry. It's so expensive. It's nonstop obstacles and troubles, not even that they cause, but just it's a human being. So they have needs and they have, you know, their lives and you feel, and then they leave you. You set up this whole life for them and then they go out on their own and do their thing. And it's a big sloppy mess oh but i would say definitely do it it's a big sloppy mess but it's wrapped in love

which is seems to be the yeah and it's just it's an experience i don't want to sell it too much because yeah i don't think you're going to do it well maybe i'm you know yeah why not well i would love to see it you would be a great dad i would you would be an amazing a lot of people say that i know I think I would. It's a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. I think my instincts tell me I would too. Because I love kids.

I think I'd be really attentive. I think I'd be overly. Like, I don't even have kids and I've already thought of stuff I would do with my kids. Like, I loved spontaneity. And this is going to sound ridiculous, but my dad was very stoic. He did everything by the book. And so when I was in high school, I used to sit there and think, God, I wish one of the principal would come in now and hand me a 15 pound frozen turkey that my dad sent.

Like if I had a kid, I would just say, you have to give this to my kid while he's sitting at his desk in front of it. Like, I just do crazy stuff. I know, you'd be fun. Yeah, to let my kid know I was thinking of them and I love them and embarrass them, but I have fun. But I see you also being annoying? No, you be, you would be a little, you'd be a caring thing. disciplinarian. I could see you being, like, knowing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it's a no-brainer that you would be a great dad. So, all right, so let me oversell it. It's a great thing. And as artists,

we experience things. Yeah, yeah. It's one of the biggest experiences you can have on the planet is to have children. So why not go through that? Why leave the planet without having done it? That's an excellent statement, you know? That was the the thing that got us because we weren't sure we were going to do it. My wife and I. And that was the thing. Why are we going to pass up on the biggest reason for being here? And you know it's going to be a mountain of all the things you said, the trouble and all the hassle, but it also brings a mountain. You know, probably just that, can I say this and I'm assuming. Okay. When you come home from a shitty day and a little kid like three feet high runs up and throws his arms around and says, I love you, Daddy.

does that just erase all of it almost oh yeah a hundred percent that's an insane level but then but then it doesn't last oh you know what i mean like that's a period that you're going and then they're teenage and then they're packing up then it's i hate you daddy everything you went through with your parents of like i'm out of here so long not returning call like you're now on the other end of that but it's still it's did you ever have a scenario where you're and this is the dreaded thing because i did it to my dad i'm guessing almost every kid did but was there ever a scenario where you had to discipline one of the kids and all of a sudden they retaliated with the dreaded i hate you daddy and they slam a door or they don't talk to you for three days was there ever no oh really never had that

Oh, you're lucky. Yeah. We never had that. I had a hard time. I don't have a temper. Like, I don't, I don't act a lot of, like, I was never really angry out of, out of, like, just rage. Yeah.

So that's probably, that's kind of where it comes from because then it's off base and they know it's, and it's a thing. I mean, there's been times when I've had to, like, you know, discipline them. But I had two girls, too. Oh. It's like, one time. I took my daughter by her arm when she was acting up and saying stuff to my wife and walked her down and put her in time out the end of the hallway.

Just that action of grabbing her arm and walking with her. That's the shining. Don't talk to your mother that way. We both got the flu the next morning. Like we were both so shaken. Like it was so far from the way we operated. Yeah. That it was so far.

And like the idea of spanking or yelling. Yeah. Well, did she have, because that was obviously sounds like an anomaly. Did she have an adverse reaction to that kind of physical movement and time out? We were both shocked. Yeah. I mean, your daughter. Yeah. She was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. But there was no, I hate you. There was no, like, resentment or residual anger. No, they're really sweet.

They didn't go out into a carjacking or anything. No. And even going through like teenage stuff, they're both so, they're both ultimately very sweet people. And even if they felt that, they maybe told their friends. The meanest thing my daughter does to me now is takes pictures of me when I'm not looking just around the house, being fat and sloppy, and then post them on Snapchat for her friends to mock. That's probably worth a headlock and some cocoa bongs right now. I mean, I would probably do a few of these. Because she lets a couple sleek through and, you know, they get like the upper neck view. and you just like with your mouth the waddle the waddle i've got i don't even have kid look at my waddle i got

kicked out of sea world about three weeks ago i swallowed a whole salmon just like i got this like i got no chin dude i got a waddle and it's a horrible line at a bar you want to touch my waddle i've been slapped so many times i remember watching it's uh lewis black doing stand-up and he like you know he shook his and it waddled oh and i was like oh no and And then once in a while on stage, I'll do, and I'll feel it. Oh. I'll be like, oh, I'm entering the waddle phase. Is that the technical name for this physical piece of meat on our necks?

Turkey waddle? The waddle. Is it called a waddle? I would think so, because here's your chin, here's your neck. What's that? I guess that's the waddle. You know, on a moose where it hangs down, it's called the bell. Ooh.

That big, it looks like their nut sack migrated up to under their chin. Yeah. But Bell almost sounds too complimentary. It's a waddle. You should be ashamed of it. You do a good job with the chin hair. Yeah, this really covers up the waddle a lot. Yeah.

God. Yeah, good job. Creepy. So your daughter like shamed, waddle shames you at sounds like. She waddle shames me, ass shames me, bald spot shames me. Oh, you got the little, you got the cute little dairy queen, no flip. Yeah. Like the tin tin.

I'm like the Bob's big boy. who was caught in a fire that was caught in a fire yeah and he got out with just the charbroiled i'm assuming the back is gone but the friend remains if bob's big boy got in a fire he'd have to be charbed roiled i mean just in keeping with the theme right with cheese yeah definitely it's cute though i like the little the the dairy queen's all i got left yeah it's all i got it offsets your waddle i have to say thank you your dairy queen flip offset your waddle I just got a compliment. I just got fan art from my, from, I was doing a show in South Carolina.

Fan art. And a guy like sketched me while I was on stage. Oh my God, you didn't have any clothes on? It was, no, I was, I was posing nude. On stage. He gave it to me. It was so insulting. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, this is what I am. Yeah. Like, I felt pretty good. Like, we had a good show that we had a good rapport. And this is what. they were seeing the whole time?

I've had that too. It's like, and they think they're really good artists. Yes. So you can't criticize it, but then you get it and it looks like, you know, you came right out of the river rafting ride from deliverance. Like one of your eyes is over here. Yeah. Your waddles on your forehead.

And you're like, this is how everyone, the world sees me. Why would I ever go on stage? Why would I ever leave the house? Oh, it was really upsetting. Is it the worst, though? I would be terrified these days having daughters. Is that tough? Do you become like super protective dad when they hit that age where they're starting to date?

And maybe you look at their Instagram and maybe they've posted a provocative picture and a bikini. And you're like, you can't be, that's my daughter. Like, does that, that's got to be, that'd be tough on me for my kid to grow up and enter the world of courtshiping and things like that. Well, I've never thought of that. Uh-oh. Yeah, I guess it's... I think I just saw your little thing start wiggling a little bit like an angler fish. I never, I didn't, I didn't know they were on Instagram.

What? Um... No, it's a kind of a complicated thing because we're in a new time. Right. Where... It's almost like a dangerous time. Kind of, but women have a lot of more power now on the other side of it. What do you mean?

So they're all kind of like, it's, they're, They're all dressing a certain way. They're all kind of like owning it. They're like, they have like, there's a power to young women that wasn't there when we were young. And you're saying they can flex that power through Instagram through social media? And the culture is just kind of accepted like, this is what I am and you're not going to shame me.

And I'm not, you know, there's like it's, it's, they're not looking so much for approval. They're not like, if they're posting. that stuff it's because they like just these outfits it's not to like win the approval of some guy right there's it's a weird but if it's provocative like i have a little niece who yeah we've been there i've only known her since she was this big and then one day all of a sudden she had like the excuse me the you know the provocative became with the whole family just shoulder what the hell like it's and it's not even my kid but i was i honestly became protective and i's like don't do that i know but it definitely it definitely is generational my whole family freaked out on a post that my daughter was like her and her friends

you know yeah and uh it's generational it's it's a different thing the biggest creep factor yeah and they're like because they're more powerful and they talk things out all the time and yeah with guys in school and they kind of know how to carry themselves and all that so that like dating thing is okay and i'm not gonna you know yeah kids they're gonna do what they're gonna do i i'm not gonna do i'm not gonna make them feel shame for whatever you can't do that the creepiest thing you have or i have when you walk around like if you're at the store yeah and you see an older creepy dude oh scoping like stop in his tracks and track your daughter oh you know what i mean track or like yeah like there's a you know this one thing with some guy like just looking like oh there's an attractive girl yeah other ones who

were like they lock he's on a list somewhere you know what i mean he's definitely on the app of the creeps in the neighborhood, you know? What's that app called where you can look around the neighborhood? Yeah, the peto app or something. You see that and there's an instinct in you that just wants to kill. Have you ever confronted a guy? No, no, you just let it just pick up a cauliflower and throw it out of them. You're in the grocery store, right?

I'm in the grocery store. There's definitely things I could throw. Just get a popsicle and fuck you, pal. That is, yeah, that's a level. of, that part's rough. But maybe you love boys and they'll just help you, like, around the house. Yeah, I always thought, I thought of adopting once, like a whole bunch of boys, like all at once, like 14 or 15.

And you know how Serena and Venus Williams, like, kind of were the meal ticket for their dad? Yeah. So I thought if I adopted, you know, 15 kids from different cultures, white, Mexican, Latin, Asian, mostly the good cultures that play soccer well and put together a soccer team and start making a little bank off the adoptant plan. Yeah, smart. The Harland Warriors or the Harlan hamstrings, whatever, but just putting those little virile 14-year-old soccer playing boys to work and smart.

Yeah. That'd be really smart. Thank you. Do you have a whistle? no thanks I'm straight you're going to need a whistle for the boys well if you're going to coach them yeah that's really all you'd need really

I don't see anything else you'd need yeah as a father of 14 they should come with a ball they should come with a ball they'll probably come with a ball it's probably included it's a kit really yeah an adoption kit you're going to need the whistle they come with shorts and a ball

and have soccer shoes I think you might be adopting them too late Oh, if you really want to... Yeah. Oh, 14. They should be... What age should I adopt my soccer team? Probably eight.

Eight, okay. So you can break them down. Break them down. And then make them into your own image. Should I keep them in the house or build a barn? I think they should be in a barn and cots. Like in cots. Like that Paul Newman movie when he ate all the eggs.

Oh, yeah, cool hand loo. Yeah, like that set up. Oh, yeah. And if they misbehaved, put them in the hot box. Put them in the hot box. Oh, wow. We have a failure to communicate. What we have here is a failure to communicate.

I like the way he dragged it out. That was so good. Oh, man. Remember the girl washing the windows when they go out on the road and they see that woman washing the car? She's got all the soaps on. She's for Melon. That's so great. The great is.

They don't make movies like that anymore. They really don't. You know what's funny? They're still sort of changing. gangs too in some states oh yeah have you ever driven through and you see like they got the guys working on the side of the road and the yeah i've seen them in the stripe like you'd think that that thing would be gone but it's still out there still working yeah it sounds like an adoption possibility yeah opportunity have you ever been in jail you look like you have no i was arrested

i was arrested there we go uh once twice oh now it's twice sure right back quickly it's skip to double So that really means four times, which means six. Mm-hmm. Which means I just got out of the clink. That's right. Out of the clink. Mm-hmm. I only got arrested twice.

What four? Here we go. Once was four. The first time was, uh... I won't say it. I thought this was a safe space. It's safe, all right. Hey, everybody.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. For you. I'm a little scared. I'm trembling guy. What have you been into? It was very mild. Talk to me, jailbird. One time was for weed. What? On the way back from a concert. What concert, Don't it? Grateful Dead. Okay. That's cool. Philadelphia. Back to my school in New Jersey. my friend was driving the giant station wagon with all of us in it and he got pulled over by the cops

and he had face paints from the dead show like a big flower on his face. He was driving with a flower on his face and wonders why he got pulled over. So they said everybody out of the car and they searched everything and a girl had given me a belt buckle like a silver belt buckle that had a potpipe attached to it on the back.

Oh, wow. And it was just like, built in. It was like a little... What rodeo was she riding in? Yeah, I know. And they searched my stuff, my backpack and everything, and I was clear, but they must have seen me say something to my friend because they, after they, all the searching, they got my one friend for weed, they came back to me. You? I think my poker face was not so hot. And they went through it again and found the bell buckle and charged me for drug paraphernalia. So they arrested me for that. Sure they didn't. charge you for luring.

I mean, you put a pipe right over your crotch and, I mean, what were you doing? Well, hey, Carol, you want a to choke? I was young. I was, bend down. I wasn't saddled with family and stuff. I was. I don't know how you get it. I mean, you look kind of, you look more like the undercover cop and the guy with the flower

painted on his face didn't get arrested, but you did? No, yeah. What kind of flower? I was, I had long curly hair. You did? I was at a dead show. Yeah. Who knows?

You know what? At least, you know, that's almost a badge of honor. Like, if you told me you were driving home in a station wagon with a guy and a flower on his face and you were in an Ario Speedwagon concert, we'd end this podcast, rat tier and a rat to now, okay? Yeah. I don't know. I kind of like Ario Speedwagon. Okay. It's been nice.

This was Tom Papa. And what was the second arrest? What was Arias big song? Heard it from a friend, too. Heard it from a friend who heard it from another. You've been messing around. It was so accusatory. It was.

It was a lot more aggressive than it sounded at the time. And what was that other one? The other one, I was on my way to do, I had my audition for the comic strip in New York City. Oh, yeah. As a young comedy club. Yeah. And you got your, you got a date, and then you got to go up on stage when the date rolled around. I lived in New Jersey.

Oh, boy. And I was working at a small advertising agency. Really? And I got my car, and I was driving into the city to do my little thing. On the Georgia, it's so stupid. On the George Washington Bridge, there's massive traffic. Yeah. Everybody merged, like, you go through the toll and everybody's got to merge onto the bridge, you know.

Yeah. I'm sorry. You have to go from, you know, a. thousand lanes down to two going over the bridge. To bottlenecking is what it's called. Thank you. And as we're doing it, this truck and I aren't giving up. And he kind of like went right into me and now we're like wedged together.

Wait, an 18 wheeler? No, like a mid-sized truck. And you were driving? A Ford escort. Yeah, you got to give. I got to give. But I had no option. I wasn't trying to really front.

I was being pushed from the other side. So we locked bumpers, and the Port Authority police that are right there at the bridge put on their little lights and came over, and my registration was expired. Oh, come on. So they arrested me and brought me, pulled my car right over to the, I didn't even get on the bridge. Yeah. And I had my little briefcase with me, with my jokes in it. Oh, no. And they handcuffed me to a chair.

I'm like handcuffed just for the. this little traffic violation. I'm handcuffed to the chair, and I'm like begging, let me go. I've got to go do this audition. So they start with the, and I'm like really like chatting it up, really, really trying to do my back. And I started there like, you know, you got some jokes and they start going back and forth with that. And they let me out, but by the time I missed my audition.

You missed it? I missed it. I missed it. But at least you got a chair. Exactly. Wow, dude. That was the only other time. Wow.

You know, I didn't expect her to be any, like, crime in your blood. Yeah, well, you know. You got me. Yeah. Don't let the glasses fool you. Yeah. Huh. So, skip them from kids.

Yes, sir. Dogs. What do you think? Do you have dogs? I do have dogs. Oh, God. What do you got? Much more work than children.

Really? Not as worth it as children. Come on. Yeah. what kind of dogs we have a pug oh yeah and we have a black lab with a little rottweiler oh yeah i had a buddy who used to say that pugs looked like um god backed his vokes wagon into their face they're hilarious yeah but he's got a peeing problem where he just oh you can't pronounce peas Poor guy.

Have you got him to a linguist? Yeah, but it's not taking. The brain's too small. It's just so much work. Do you have dogs? I used to have them. They moved on. The dogs, they lived out their life cycle.

But I like them. They're good, but they're a lot of work. A ton of work. Yeah. And I got in trouble on Bill Burr's podcast talking about this, but I'll say it again. Say it again. These dog people get very rabid. Screw them.

Rabid. They, I'm not sure the love you get back is equal to the amount of work you put in. Hmm. Like the children, tenfold. I mean, forget it. But the dogs. Yeah, I know what you're saying. And I don't, look, I know it's a shortcoming in myself because my father gave away all of our dogs when we were children.

Oh, wow. So I have like this, you know, like buddies in war. You don't want to get too close because you don't know when they're going to bite it. Yeah, I'm like that with, I definitely created a wall with pets because I didn't want, because my little heart got broken when they took our pets away. Well, pets are very intuitive. Maybe that's what they sense and maybe that's why you're not getting the reciprocal love back from the little vermin. I'm willing, and I think you're right, and I'm willing to take on that failing.

I believe you're right. But I, some days there's days when you just go dogs are like man's best friend and what a buddy, what a companion. And then there's other days when you have those days with your dog where you're just like, all that fucking thing wants for me is food. That's all it wants. It wants some food. It doesn't give a crap about my feelings. It doesn't give a crap. It just wants me to bend down and slop some kennelration or whatever it's called.

It's really true. Yeah. So I kind of know what you're saying. I go back and forth a little. I know. The pug is an awesome, like hot water bottle. Like he's heavy and like, you sit on the couch and just lays on you. Like, we're not going anywhere tonight, are we?

And it's just lovable. But you're right. As soon as someone, he hears someone opening a rapper in the kitchen. That's all along. Yeah. Into the other room. Well, I think where you have to, where I think, and I'm going to help you here as a tip. I think where you have to kind of see the limitations of a dog, you have to do your part

to learn how to utilize the animal. Okay. So where you're lacking in maybe getting some love or an emotional, visceral reaction from your dog, you go, okay, why do I have this animal? And then you look at the pug and you go, oh, he's wrinkly, he's about this big. And a part is you pick him up and use them as an accordion. So now he's adding some benefit that's not just emotional, but you're getting something out of it. I like that because obviously I have a hard time with intimacy, but I do like practicality. Yeah.

And if you put a broom handle in their butt because of that squished up face, you can use them as a toilet to clean the toilet pipe. You just, yeah, they're really good. With the accordion, do you see it as more of like a New Orleans Zytoe? accordion or like a French Bistro accordion. It can be either because those pugs, people will put stupid hats on them. So if you put a little beret on your little pug and then just squeeze. That's the full French bistro experience.

Yeah. But if you shove a Codadat up his ass, then you can go completely Cajun. Go Cajun. And the sounds that come out of him when he has that cryfish up his ass, it's the yelping like on notes you've never heard. what's the biggest barf you've ever done that's my next question the biggest barf I said it oh after a breakup oh god I don't even want to know but I thought I had to add yeah no I get it it's a weird one yeah but it's worth talking about the biggest barf you've ever done it was after a breakup and I went to uh and I think someone else had died also like in the same like in that

same month okay and I was in New York staying at my buddy's house And I went to a bar by myself and I was just drinking. What was the name of the bar? It's so like the movie kind of thing you want to do, but I never really do, but I was doing it. You romanticize it. This is what they do in the movies. They just drink the sorrow away.

Right. And I remember the bartender. It was in like New York, Midtown. Do you remember the name of the bar? I don't. It was definitely an Irish name. Okay, okay. But I don't remember.

And it was... It wasn't lucky charms, was it? You know what? It was lucky charms. Probably because that's what the barf looked like. Well, I never saw it. I'll tell you why. Oh, no.

This is the... I'm glad I asked about your barf. This is great. And I remember the bartender, like, looking at me with concern at a certain point. Like, when I ordered another one to get up to go to the bathroom, he was like, really? Sure.

I was like, come on, man. And I thought it was all joyful. but I was he saw something that I didn't see and I went back I stumbled home back to the apartment yeah and I was uh did you just wobble down the sidewalk just like in the movies yes just like holding onto the wall getting there and I didn't have to like stop but I kept moving but it was like a ping pong ball yeah like a like a pinball just dingin off a car just digging off saying off car alarms exactly running into other people and like and I and And there was this, in the bathroom, I didn't want my buddy to know.

He was with his girlfriend, and it was his place that I was staying at. You were visiting. I was visiting. He took me in because of the breakup and the thing. Oh, compassion. Compassion. And I, and his girlfriend was there. And I don't know if they were in the apartment at the time, but I didn't want to throw up in the bathroom.

Oh, you could feel it coming. I was coming. Okay. I was in trouble. And I didn't want to make a mess and seem like a loser for the, for the, for the bathroom. in front of his girlfriend. And there was a tiny New York window that, you know, like in New York, they have windows that aren't that size anywhere else in the world. Yeah, they're just, everything's smaller.

Just so the real estate guy can go, and you've got a window, the beautiful natural sunlight. He's like, yeah, who lives here, a fucking elf into an alley? And I stuck, I had to, like, put my head sideways out of the Sesame Street windows. Like Jack Nicholson in the show. Here's Johnny. Exactly. And just exploded. Oh, no.

Trying to catch my breath. Just spewing all over the brick. And it was like on the 40th floor or something. It's just cascading. In New York, they call that stuccoing. All over the brick. It was brutal. Oh, no.

Is there anyone down below? I probably. Probably. How many times if you walk through New York and just felt a drop of something happens a lot. Yeah. Yeah, you never know what that something is. Oh, God. It was rough.

It was rough. It went on for like a good half hour. Really? Yeah, because I, then I didn't, you know, the spinning and then back out through the hole out of the, out of the, out of the porthole. You puked out of it a few times. Yeah. Oh, Tom. It was bad.

That was the last time I sat in a bar and tried to drink away my sorrows. Isn't it funny how sometimes we romanticize and emulate scenes from movies? Oh, yeah. Like we get it in our heads that that's real life or that's the way it should play out. Yeah. And then you try something like that. And I remember when I was in college, I loved the Halloween movies. Remember?

Well, there's only one at the time. Yeah. When I was in college, it was the first Halloween movie. And I was renting a room in the basement of these people's houses. And one of the sons was a welder. and one day just for fun he showed me like his welding get up and he has you know he's the big mask but before they put the big like mask on there's this little kind of leathery face mask that you put on to kind of I guess to you know take the heat off or whatever but it looked like the Halloween guy's mask

and I remember I was like can I borrow that and I had I had this like full body like mechanic suit that I just wore you know in college you wear wacky stuff So I had a dark blue mechanic suit that I realized was exactly kind of the same thing the Halloween guy had. And so I just, like, it was fall, you know, the leaves were blowing. This was up in Canada. So it was like, perfect. And I was walking downtown to a movie. And I just put this fucking thing on my face. And I just walked through the streets.

And I was one of the first guys to have a Walkman back then. I was like one of the first guys. And I was just playing the theme. And people were just like getting out of my way. I was just doing that stoic kind of walk. Very creepy. How many people did you kill? Not sure what you mean, guy.

Yeah, but I know what you're talking about. Yeah, right, you know, it's fun. I've been thinking recently, like, on my way home from the comedy store, it's, you know, do my spot, it's 10 o'clock, I'm driving back home. Yeah. And I've been craving, I don't know, because it was cold out, I don't know, was what it was but i've been craving again like just go into the bar have one drink it'd be nice to like the idea of like the bartender knowing you yeah come in hey tom hey Tommy he already knows what you want

you know what you want you have a thing you just kind of get you kind of decompress for a second and then go home and i think about it almost every time i'm driving home and how's that going to go i never pull in because how's that going to go yeah you know should a bartender know you're name. Should you be putting off, returning to your family and your pug? Yeah. And your wife's going to know when you walk in the door and you have a flower painted on your face. She's like, where have you been? Yeah. You know what? Yeah. But the romantic idea of it seems very appealing, but in real life, not really. My biggest barf, okay, I was like, in boarding school, I had my roommate was Jewish.

Tony Feldman was his name. Tony? Tony Feldman. And he invited me to his bar mitzvah. So I go to a bar mitzvah. I'd never been to a bar mitzvah before. So I go, I'm like, I think I'm about 13, around there. And so I go, and I didn't know, I don't know if all bar mitzvah's worked this way,

but at this one, I'd never seen anything like it. They said, everyone sit down for dinner. It was this huge gathering. And we're going to serve 12 different types of courses. So I'm like, wait, what? So they brought like a chicken dish. They brought a fish dish. And I was just like, oh, my God, I've never been privy to so much food and different varieties

of food. And so I was eating off every, all 12 courses, I ate something. So for a 13-year-old kid, I almost looked like I was pregnant, you know? I was like just. And then at the end of it, they put up on one of the tables, they put up these things in kind of these fancy kind of martini glasses, but they're like a jello treat with white foam on the top. And I thought, oh, jello dessert treats, right?

So I went and I got it and I ate three of them. But it turns out they were those kind of, they used to make these funny colored cocktail drinks, like green and pink with a layer of foam on them, but they're sort of solitaire. but they were like kind of a like a jello shot like it wasn't a shop but it was like a parfait kind of

but it was alcohol based and I didn't know that Johnny Johnny pregnant over here thinks he's just I'm like holy crap I could really no parents I can eat as many jello treats as I want oh no so I eat like three or four of those and because I didn't

know what booze was I just said oh aren't these tart they must be citrusy you know who puts those out in front of children well they just had them out I guess they didn't think the children would take them, you know? So I eat these things, and it was in a synagogue. And so after about maybe 20 minutes or so, I just started feeling like, really.

And I went, and I had to get away from the people, and I went down towards the synagogue. Like, this was the banquet area. Now I'm venturing into Holy Lamb. Okay. Now Daddy McPregors is head down, down where all the holy stuff goes on. Oh, no.

And I find some stairs right in front of the synagogue. And I'm just sitting there with my hands. I'm like, what? Like, I couldn't understand. Right. How was, does one get sick that quickly? You know, half an hour ago, I was eating 12 different kinds of foods. King of the world.

Yeah, it was like the game of risk, but with foods. And all of a sudden, it just like, br, it just came and came. And I was sitting there like this. So I was puking, like, right between my leg. And I hate even talk. But it just kept. bigger and bigger and I'm telling you it was like the size of a pizza it was this round I'm like how does a boy that big even have that much puke and it was just and then and then slowly but truly

as dinner dissipated people started walking by and I'm too sick to even stand up so now I'm just kind of like I'm kind of like the lion in front of his kill and people are like smelling it and I'm just sitting there like I think there was like a kujo like drool coming down It was brutal, dude. That is terrible. Did someone help you at the end? No, I just ended up. My parents came and picked me up and I wobbled to the car.

And I was like, I got a hangover. I didn't know anything about it. I was like, why do I still feel so horrible the next day? What a nightmare. It was the worst. Yeah. The worst I was ever thrown up on. Oh, God.

Was I was driving on the Garden State Parkway with my girlfriend. and we're driving along and the guy in front of me sprays something and it hits my windshield and I'm like and I'm trying to pass but they're like speeding up and I can't pass and they do it again now I think they're messing with me they're throwing shit at me yeah they're like just you know kids gone the way back from the Jersey shore just throwing shit at it's like all over my windshield and I gun it and go around and there's a core guy just hanging out of the window just puking his guts out and now I've realized we're covered in his phone and then you pull into the gas station to clean it all how do you they're already covered in puke yeah just sell

the car the gas stations where people go to puke yeah you can't scrape off puke in the puke. Yeah. I mean, you had to use the squeegee. You're just rubbing it around. It was, oh, I still picture that guy's face. Oh, terrible.

Christ. Let's talk about something else. Yeah, so let's segue to comedy because Tom's, Tom's one of the most brilliant comics around, but I wanted to ask you, because you're just, you're so immersed in it. You're so good at it.

It's what you do. You, like some guys, it's like they dabble in it, or it's a part-time private. You're full-time, like, you know, Netflix specials, everything. You've done it all in comedy. But if you could do it all again, and even though you might say, oh, I do comedy all again, but is there a backup or is there something secondary that if you could start again, now let's say this, let's say you did the comedy thing, you did it great,

so you achieved all the milestones. So now if you got to start again, you could say, okay, I did the comedy, it was great. now I want to do this. Right. Is there a second passion or is there something else in your life that you would, if you had to or could start all again, would you? What would you do? It really would have to be like in this fantasy scenario.

Like you're not allowed to do it. You did comedy. Yeah. And now you can't. Yeah. Because it all comes by really, there's no better gig. Like there's no better experience. And, like, it's so, it was so great.

Yeah. So it's, it would have to be in this role play that you're not allowed. Yeah. It's all done. But is there ever been something you've thought about, like in real life time where you go, oh, I love what I'm doing. I love my life. But man, if I could do it again, I really like water skiing or I love mountain climbing or

what, is there another thing that if you could live life again, you would, you would pursue something completely different? Hmm. No. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, it's always adjacent to it. Like, the only other thing I could think would be to be a writer to just... Oh, okay. Just, but that's, you know, I do that now also. So it's like, it's not that far. Are you talking more like an Ernest Hemingway type of guy, like in a cabin somewhere, writing a novel? Yeah, like always writing. Yeah. I see. I, like, I just finished my third book. What? Talk to me. Holy God.

It's called, we're all in this together, so make some room. Whoa. And it's my third book of essays. What does that mean, essay? It's like comedic essays. Like, you know, they're like six, eight pages each. Okay. That kind of a thing.

And I really do love it. But I'm being you in this and saying you're not allowed to do that because it's pretty close to comedy. It's pretty close without the getting up and talking. No, I think it's totally different because you haven't. dedicated your life to sitting down and being that type of writer. So that qualifies. Okay.

That's the answer I was looking for. Because I do like the idea, like even just looking over your shoulder at this beautiful Utah, Arizona landscape. Yeah. Like living, I do, and I think about this now. Yeah. Of living someplace that I, that is not natural to me. Right.

living in Montana in a small cabin or living in Utah or with some like isolating living in a small place with a small town and you're just writing yeah that that appeals to me you know I've done that I won't tell you where my other place is but I what you just said I that's that's something I do in my life you do it I haven't yes I have another place that's very isolated somewhere, and I call it my Hemingway Shack. And I even have a dedicated room that's my writing room where I do write novels and short stories, and I even have a picture of Hemingway up on the wall as an inspiration. So it's my little getaway when I have time, I go there, and I purposely go there,

and I sit down and write, and it's so, it's a beautiful fantasy. I'm sort of living. Yeah, how long have you been doing that? About 10 years. Wow. Yeah. How quickly did it become a comfortable or useful place to write? Was it right off the bat?

Or did you have to get used to it? Well, the place that I got was kind of a little bit in shambles, but that's what I wanted. I wanted a place that was kind of I could make into my own little writing shack and it was sort of beat up and I could gut it and I could do some of the construction myself, the stuff I was capable of. I can't do wiring and plumbing, but I can, you know, rip stuff out and hammer stuff up. So that was fun.

And then I was able to customize it. And, you know, I made my office. I gave it sort of a real, about a really cool desk and a writing chair. Yeah. And I put a picture of Hemingway on the wall, and it's near the ocean. So I put, I put fish nets on the ceiling. and I went on eBay and I found some taxidermied fish. Like I have a giant tarpon on the wall with a lure I found hanging out of its mouth.

And it's very like apropos to being this kind of closeted writer. And I, you know what? And does it work? It works. I love it. And I would submit to you because it sounds like something you desire. You can do it in your lifetime with your, you know, the money you make. I wouldn't wait for a second lifetime.

to happen you could probably get away with doing it facilitating it somehow i've really been it's it's been in uh i've been thinking about it a lot more often yeah and by the way if you ever want to go down and spend a week or two or three at my place you just tell me i'll hand you the keys really if you wanted to experience it i would i would definitely i would definitely take you up on that let me know here's the curveball and this is why maybe this is why maybe you're going back to prison no i I can maybe take back what I said to you earlier. This fantasy of going off to Montana and sitting in the cabin, whenever I vocalize that out loud from the other room,

my wife will say, and where am I? You know those fish nets I have in the ceiling? You can wrap her up in those. Oh, man. Yeah. And I say, I always say, you're, you come, you're there. And she could be there. I don't need complete isolation.

I said, but there is definitely the biggest thing, as you know, and why you consciously or subconsciously built this place is the, you do need complete uninterrupted time. That is the biggest thing for writing, uninterrupted time. And so she can come. She always fantasizes getting into woodworking and stuff like that. So if we could have that on the property, she could go whittle and I could go do that and we just know off limits, in case of emergency, give me six hours.

You know, leave me in the shack for six hours. See, but here's the thing with that. Writing is a lonely pursuit. It's very lonely. And creativity doesn't have a timeline like that. And I think the key to letting the writing come out is, you know, I hate to say it. I'm not trying to jip your wife out of the experience, but when you go off to write, it's almost like an explorer.

You're going to find a story. You're going to find a world that you don't even know what exists in that world. Yeah. And so you have to go on that journey and you have to do it alone. And sometimes it's like when you go to a movie, when you go to a movie alone, you absorb. the movie in a different way when you're alone. When you go with someone, you're kind of like, oh, hi,

honey, I wonder what they're thinking and they're like, what you think of that? You know what I mean? So it's almost like when you're focusing on developing a story, you almost got to go down that laneway alone and fight it out with whatever that creative

process is and then come back. If there's someone waiting there, whether they're whittling or waddling or whatever they're doing. saw stop and you're like yeah you're sort of subconsciously your your brain's going well if i don't attend to that or do they need me or do they you know what i mean it's a distraction even though they're not trying to be a distraction yeah but there's but you know i've done like i said this i just handed in my third book and i was able to write these in that environment without right

so yeah and it became a very it just became it's i'm I think another really important part is it has to be a ritual. You have to kind of, like, stick to your thing. Yeah. So, like, if I was able to isolate from seven till noon. Yeah. And because I do think, I don't know, there is something cool about putting in all those hours

and then going out and having a cocktail with human beings. Yeah, that's true. And then returning to the workshop. Yeah. You know what I mean? Okay, let me flip it. But there's, but I do, I, I, I, I have a sneaking suspicion that something will happen from the complete isolation.

I don't know if I'll be better or worse, but definitely something would happen. Well, maybe I'll relent a little too and say, you know, maybe on the other flip side of that, knowing that your wife or significant other is in the other room whittling and doing their thing, maybe there's a comfort in that. Maybe there's a contentment that adds to the experience. So I shouldn't just assume that it's a bad thing to have someone else there. Maybe it's a good positive force. I don't know.

But I guess for my process, I like to kind of just go off on my own. And if I know there's something else out there, it kind of gets in the back of my head. And I go, should I go and check in with them? But maybe that's just me. But if everybody knows what the rules are, then you're kind of okay. I mean, your buddy Hemingway, he would go to work. and then, you know, at night, he'd be with his friends around the table in Key West and...

Oh, getting hammered. Getting hammered. He'd go out fishing for Marlon and just get drunk off his ass. Yeah. I mean, he didn't end well, but... Yeah. Wrote some great stuff. You could always go the route of the Shining, like just take your wife and your kid and head out to an old haunted hotel.

Yeah, he would have been much better off by himself on that house. When you see me writing in here, whatever the fuck you see me doing, Wendy? Yeah, he should have done that by himself. I'm not going to hurt you, Wendy. If he had done the Harlan model, it would have been a bit much different experience. Wow. Wow, that's really exciting, though, that you're doing that. Yeah.

I mean, the cool thing is, you know, you could Airbnb. Here's the problem, though. No, I find, well, I mean, to try it out, just to see if an area is your area. Yeah, I mean, okay, yeah. You know what I mean? I was going to say it always seems a little weird. being in someone else's space of the energy. But then I think to myself, I've written on the airplane.

Sometimes when I'm just like, hey, I've got three hours, why don't I crank out a chapter? Yeah, 100%. So I guess I can't really stand by that, the whole Airbnb thing. I mean, there is, I do have that fantasy also of when I'm on the road, and I'm in a nice hotel and a nice spot. Yeah. And, you know, you're only there for 24 hours and you've got to go to the next place.

I always think that would be a cool if I was. here for a week just with just writing for a week, you know, and you're isolated in there. And then you stroll off to, you know, dairy queen, get a nice butterfinger blizzard and come back. Yeah, yeah. You know, sometimes on that note, I hate when we have to do like a Sunday show on a weekend. Like it's like you want to do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Friday, send, just get home. Yeah. But sometimes when they insist you do a Sunday, I actually sort of find that extra day, that Sunday,

where you wake up at the hotel Sunday. That's kind of one of those days where you kind of just have it to do that kind of stuff. The pressure of Saturday night is over. You just have that kind of. I have that coming up where I'm going to be in Wisconsin. And I've got to go from Wisconsin. I'll be done on Saturday. And I've got to be in Chicago on Monday.

Oh, wow. So it doesn't make sense to come back. Like I have a free day. I have a Sunday and then travel on Monday. I have a free day. You sound like a cure. long right now. So I'm, and I have this, I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm probably just going to sit, read, I don't know, but I'm just so kind of excited because I never, ever, dead space. Yeah, yeah, because I'm always hustling back. You just flop. Just flop. Just flop. Yeah. Do you read a lot?

You know what? I used to read a lot. I used to read, oh, a ton. I love like, you know, Anne Rand and George. Jarwell and I read a lot of Stephen King and I like the spectrum but now I find I want to write more than I want to read because I just I get so lost in creating my own worlds yeah you know so I still read but it's not as prolific as it used to be right yeah but I do find when I get uh because your brain has to kind of get back into shape to read like it has yeah yeah it you're it's right

you're a little scattered. I find the, though, the more that I read, the better my writing is. Well, that's, yeah, because you're, you're, you're, you're subliminally taking in formatting and structure and all that. And then the opposite, and I keep going flipping the pancake on all these stories, but there's another element to that where I don't read as much because I'm worried I'll be influenced by another author. Like, you know, every author, like some authors are like gray bradberries, like really

descriptive and Stephen King's really character-driven. So sometimes I'm worried I'll absorb some of their thing, but, you know, you just... Yeah, but it doesn't last that long, you know, especially at this age. Like, you know, your voices, you're so, you could have a little bump of that. Yeah. But it's not going to last. You're going to take over. Yeah, and sometimes it's inspiring, too.

Oh, 100%. You can read someone who writes really, like Ray Bradbury, I just love his stuff. And I just get, like, jacked up reading him. Yeah. No, it's inspiring. And it does kind of click it on. Yeah. It's just that way of thinking.

Yeah, yeah. When do you think your next book will be ready? It's coming out, June 6th. Oh, okay. What's it called? Is this the early plug, the first plug? We're all in this together, so make some room. Ooh, yeah.

It's a good title, right? I like that, yeah. We're all on this together, so make some room. Especially if you live in a van down by the river. Mm-hmm. that's what it's about. Your laugh. I got to comment on your laugh because I love your laugh.

It's like friendly, but there's also, I've always said to you, there's a little hint of serial killer in your laugh. Like there's something about your laugh that always gets me. It's funny. I had a, I had a, my daughter's friend from, she's known forever, came back from college. Yeah. And said she was somewhere and she heard a laugh.

And she goes like, that's Tom. I guess it is kind of... Was she scared or was she happy? I think she was happy. Okay. But maybe scared. I don't know. See, there it is.

Have you ever like in your life, this is a weird question, but have you in your life ever bumped up somehow, an ear, someone of that ilk, like a bad criminal person or even a serial killer or a murderer? What do you mean? Bumped up? Like in some, you know, you had a handyman at the house. house and you found out three weeks later that he was the, you know, the, the root seller strangler or something like any. Yeah, like someone from your life that surprised you by being. Yeah, because that actually happened to one of my buddies up in Canada. He, they hired like this,

this contractor to work in their, they got a new house and, and this guy was great. And they actually formed a bond with them and they formed a friend and they started socializing with them. And they had two young sons and he had a beautiful wife. And, kind of. And kind of, Cut to like five months after he stopped working at the house, they found out he was a serial killer. Whoa. Yeah. And I'm just like, wow. So I don't know why for some reason your laugh made me think of that.

Oh, geez. That's what I was trying to think where he came from. I didn't know it was from my lap. It's, it's ominous, but it's all so hardy. It's an interesting laugh. I love it. No. Maybe I am the serial killer because it hasn't happened yet. maybe this is yours i just did the podcast with him he was here eating grape water the waddle strangler is here

wow it's weird though you i wonder too on that same note if at any time in your life like whether you're riding on a subway or your waiter or something you want because everyone has such a secret story you wonder have i ever butted up against has there ever been someone that maybe because I left that guy a tip or maybe because I didn't cut that guy off, he didn't come after me or it's like the little lines between what is and what could be is a little bit scary. It is scary. You're better off not thinking about it.

Well, I'll tell you what, we're getting near the end of the show. We are? But I'll tell you, I'll tell you what's great. Throughout the show, you never asked for the baby. And I got to keep the baby. Remember at the beginning? Papa don't preach. Oh.

And I'd like you to... I'm sorry. Who's the serial killer? That's the baby guy. I'm keeping the baby. I can't believe. I'm telling you it's time for you to be a father and you already are. Meet my future right-wing soccer player.

Um, please don't fondle my child, sir. It is a weird baby. Do you want to hug him? Like, how do you hug you're a dad? How do you hug a baby? Can you show me? Just, uh. Well, you don't stroke them like, like a pug.

This is a strange baby. How would you hug the child to your breast, not suckle, but hold it to your breast? This baby makes Coco look normal. Little Coco. How would you tend to hug a child? Yeah. The best thing about babies is the way their heads smell. What does it smell like?

Like heaven. Let me smell. A baby's head. Right? Oh, my God. That smells like a pepperage farm like chocolate double bun cake. What does it smell like to you? It smells like, like new tires.

Oh, my God. It smells like Damien from the omen. Why do you have that? Well, I just, because I told you I'm keeping the baby. Right. And I just had to make sure that, you know, that laugh. Stay away from my child with that. I refuse to be the psychotic one in this conversation.

Oh. There's laughing. The laugh does not compare to what is happening right now. Here, birth the child. I don't. don't even want to touch it now. Get out of here. Go play soccer,

you little brat. Yeah, you shouldn't be a dad. It'll ruin your whole writing shed and all of your madness. No. All right, last thing before we go, Tom. Yes.

We do this thing with all the guests on the Harlan Highway. It's called Words from a wooden shoe. Ooh. And what we do, you don't look. You reach into the shoe. There's words. in here. I thought about you

when I did Colbert a couple weeks ago. No way. What happened? Because I was going out. It's at the Ed Sullivan Theater. I'm always like what am I wearing? I have these boots I've been wearing that are 10 years old. They're just turned into Charlie Chaplin

shoes at this point. Yeah. I've just the last, I wore them on his show like five years ago. Yeah. And the thought of when you were on Letterman with peanut butter on your boots. Oh yeah. I always It almost, and it was at that theater, and I almost put some on as a tribute to you. Oh, no way.

Yeah, it did cross my mind because I always loved that little memory of seeing you on there. That was my first time doing Letterman, but since we're going down Trivia Lane, these clogs, there is another one that's a pair. I knew I was doing Letterman. This was years ago, and I always used to like to mess with Dave. So I had a friend who was going to Holland and I said, get me a pair of wooden clog size 10 and a half. I'm going to wear them on Letterman. So the next time I did Letterman,

I got this beautiful purple velvet suit. And then I walked out and I had these stupid shoes on my feet. And I just sat there and I crossed my leg and I was just like wiggling my clock. And Dave goes, uh, Harland, it looks like you've got wooden footwear on there. And I just,

I said, Yeah, I didn't even really allude to them at all. I just acted like they were normal shoes. But think of people walking around. It's awesome. You know what I mean? I feel like we should go log rolling at IKEA or something. All right.

So how it works is you reach in here, pull out a word, and see if it sparks a memory or a story. And this is our final bit. Okay. Reach in there. Okay. Words from a wooden shoe with Tom Papa. And what is your word, Tom?

This is terrible. Uh-oh. Violence. Now who's the serial killer? Service. Violence. Yeah. I don't like this word at all.

Wow. It's a terrible word. Has there been any violence in your life? You mentioned you grabbed your daughter's arm, but that's not really. Was there any, did you see any violence or experience? No. Yeah, of course. Oh, what was it, Tom?

I don't know. It's a tough. one. It is a tough one. Violence. This is kind of maybe I'm subconsciously sidestepping it, but when I was watched that Bill's player when he had the heart attack. Oh, yeah.

Football. Yeah. I forget his name, Hamlin. Yeah. And they were talking every, all the, all the conversations were about how violent the sport is. Yeah. They knew what was going, what had happened to him.

And this is such a violent. And I used to play football. when I was a kid, like, all through my life, up until I graduated high school. And I was thinking it is really, like, at the end, when I was a senior, I had that pinch thing, you know, that pinched nerve thing, where any time you would make contact, your whole arm goes numb. Oh, God. You ever know that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A stinger. They call it a stinger. Oh, yeah. And, yeah, I remember at the end, like, trying to play, like, the second, like, the last three games where you have to make contact with people. Yeah, yeah, of course. But your whole body's going to go numb on one side if you do it. Yeah.

And I was thinking, yeah, I guess it is pretty violent. It is. I was thinking of that, too, because think about your daily life, everybody watching. Yeah. Think about when you're walking through a doorframe at a mall or something and you maybe access. accidentally get too close and you just like kind of do that thing where you brush you and you go oh you're like you just you just ding your shoulder for a second you're getting on the subway or you you even stub your toe yeah so now imagine running full force into other giant men that weigh 300 pounds running as fast as you can

and just your whole body colliding flipping in the air i know jerking sideways twisting your back it's like a car crash every play and they're doing it every you know every weekend every play. I know. It really is. It's super violent. It's insanely violent. Hockey's like that. A lot of sports are like that. And these guys are getting so big. Yeah. These guys that were big in the past are now fast. Yeah. Like they're able to run, you know, like a 4-440 and they're 380. And then at that speed, they're hammering each other. And even, you know, I even said hockey. In hockey, it's primarily body slamming. It's rare you'll see hockey players collide with their head. Yeah. So take all that stuff we just talked about, that violence.

Yeah. And then these guys get it in the head, too. And it's like, wow. It's insane. It's fun to watch and bet on, though. When you're in bed? Yeah. Is that what you said?

No, it's a bet on. Oh, okay. It's fun to watch it. It's fun to watch it when you're in bed, too, because they're getting hammered around and you're just laying there eating popcorn. Popcorn around you and your pajamas. Oh, God. Well, let's let's, let's, uh, let's, let's, uh,

Let's end it on that, Tom. Well, this was really fun, Harlan. It was so nice to spend some time. Oh, my God. It was great. But before we go, I want you to tell the whole world, everyone watching where they can see. Tell them about the name of your new Netflix special, your stand updates, your social media. My Netflix special is called What a Day.

Yeah. It is out on Netflix right now. And it just came out. It's very funny. That's amazing. Yeah. And then I'm on tour. So tompapa.com will lead you.

to my podcast and my Breaking Bread podcast, which you should come on. Yep. And my tour and my books and all that good stuff. Say the name, because this is the first plug for the new book. Say the date and the name one more time, guy. It's called, we're all in this together, so make some room. You can pre-order it right now. Good.

Wherever you order your books. Get it out there. And then I'll be going around doing signings and stuff starting June 6th. Oh, really? I didn't know your new sign language. Yeah. I'm pretty good at it. I'm deaf.

Pardon? What? What'd you say? What? Pardon? Thank you for being here. Huh? Oh, yeah.

Thank you for being here. Let's play the theme music. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Papa, hilarious comedian here on the Harland Highway. Go see his stand-up. Pre-order his book. Watch his podcast.

Check out his Netflix special. Tom, so great to have you here, buddy. You too. Congratulations on the baby. Well, this is Harlan, this is Papa Williams, and until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. There's that laugh. Now I got to sleep at night with that's the last thing I hear. It's going to echo in your house.

Oh, God.