The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #45 - RICK GLASSMAN, Comedian, Actor, Podcaster.

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

On this Valentine episode Harland and Rick discuss the power of love and read valentines poems to each other. xoxo Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, this is Harlan. Just before we get started, I want to remind you that I will be doing stand-up comedy live in Portland, Oregon, February 17th, 18th, and 19th at a great comedy club called Helium. And you can get your tickets at Harlandwilliams.com, and here we go. But this is for our viewers to try and figure out love, figure out Valentine's Day, try to understand your discombobulating TED talk that made no sense. So let's do some speed dating. Okay. You're the girl and your name is.

Stephanie. And I'm Dawn. I know. When you hear the bell, the speed date starts. And when you hear the bell, the speed date ends. Now, as the girl, I'm here. So I've been sitting at this table. You're going to enter because you were the one Don who was rotating around.

So will you sit into it? Yes, I will. Great. Already you're being controlling. Not a good start. Hi, I'm Don. How are you? You're riding down the Harland Highway.

All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. I didn't want to tell you now. Because I know I don't want to serve you. And maybe I'll be moving on. I'm going to take singing lessons. Yeah, I was going to say, it's probably a real great idea. Right, just to perfect that?

Well, maybe just to start it, sort of. Right, because you can tell. Oh, yeah, you can tell. You okay? Yeah. I just hurt my feelings a little bit when you said, oh. You almost took your eye out, kid. Could you make these not as loud?

Oh, sorry. Hang on. what are you on how's that for all the times that you rain on my parade for all the clubs you got in using my name now it's too low no no just as soon as you're done singing I think how's that testes balls how's that that's probably nice right there that's that's all right yeah okay great you um could I hear you talk soft the way I'm talking just to feel all the big boys don't cry no no big boys don't cry no not in love so don't forget it it's just a silly face i'm going through big boys don't cry is that what you meant i meant more just like talking to me

soft without a whisper the energy is slow hi yeah i play misty for me what i'm harland And welcome to the Loveline. You know you could bring this up so you don't have to be leaning into it. Oh, how's that? Wait. Yeah. Hi. Hi.

How are you? Wait. Hi. Yeah. Hello. Okay. We got out of that. It was a little iffy.

We almost didn't get out of that. That was close. That was a weird spiraling free fall. Harlan, it's good to see you again. Great to see you. Yeah. You know where you are, right? Oh, yeah.

We're on the Harlan, Harlan, Harlan Highway. Yeah, I like that. How are you, Guy? I'm good. How are you? Today's going to be kind of an intense show. Oh, really? I thought it was going to be a wigwam.

Wow. You know, I did have reservations about having you on the show, but I like the opening wigwam gag. I like that too. How? Did you know that I was going to do that? Yeah. Right, right, right.

So today, guy, this pod like is Valentine's Day type of thing. Oh, that's kind of like the hook, or should I call it the key, the Cherokee. I think it's frozen. Got it. Thanks. Oh, just the last two notes of the theme song. We do have a good time together, you have to admit. We do, we do.

Remember the time we went to club med together and, uh, Bermuda, and we just, we, they had the best time, horseshoes, bachy ball. Yeah, it was the first time I ever ate horseshoes or a bachy ball. Oh, God, they're so good. The Bermudians do them so well. Oh, oh, uh, we played with each other's nasal cavities. Who does that? Yeah, I remember you with your knees.

Yeah, nasal knees, we called that. Yeah. Oh, God, it was like, we, we were like ahead of the white lotus almost. God. Yeah. No, I meant God. I know. I was talking to God.

I know. Well, why did you answer? I said God and I was about to ask him something and then you interject. Oh, it was more like when you're at church and they're singing and people go, well, I was feeling it. I don't know you want to interrupt God. Like you can interrupt a conversation between your uncle and your aunt or your grandma, but when I'm trying to, well, when I'm talking to God, you just don't jump in Willie Nelson. I don't think you could interrupt God even if you tried. Really? Pray tell. Excuse me. She's on a a different plane than us. Are you okay?

You need to do something happen in your throat? No, just, he said, excuse me, and it was really inappropriate, really. Okay. Yeah, I'll be quiet. But Valentine's, bro. I think today we got a turn. Wow. Flem match?

No, I was getting on the Harlan Highway. I was shifting gears. I know, but it didn't sound like a truck. It sounded like an old man through the dry. wallet motel six clearing flam take a sip of your coke i didn't do anything to it go ahead drink it oh okay i see that for a second no i'm not gonna do anything i looked at my calendar i want to show you real busy okay okay i'm not gonna deny a friend i'll do it later oh i'll do it later just remind me i have a magic trick for you oh i've can do you like

magic yeah okay i'm gonna do some magic uh for you later Okay, that makes two of us. It looks like we both have some tricks. Wow. Push it on your shirt, come out, and have his face now. No, I don't do camera moves. For me, it's just like, move. But I want to talk, today we're going to talk about love guy because it...

I love love guy. Are you talking about Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood when they would do Love Line? No, no, I said Love Guy. We're going to talk about Love Guy. The, the, I actually would love to. Oh, wow. I do have some, some theories on love. Good.

That's what I want to get into. It's a huge, powerful emotion or is it an emotion or a feeling or a spirit? What is love, first of all, Rick? I believe that love is actually chemical. Okay. I could explain. Yeah, please. The feeling that you have, the passion, the infatuation, the sometimes the raw sexuality,

These are all real feelings, but a lot of times they come in moments where you can't necessarily control them. Wait, can we, I've read away you mixed sex with love. Can we just focus on love? But they're not mutually, there's a Venn diagram where sometimes they overlap, and I was using sex to help explain the example of what I'm about to give. Okay. The chemical part of it. Okay. Which is this feeling that you have, a lot of times is the oxytocin or any chemicals that's going through your

body, right? Where you're feeling this certain thing and you're drawn to this person and this passion and oh, I'm so in love with you. Like sometimes you feel like you want to say it and sometimes you don't. What I think is more sustainable and more important than love. Though love exists is mutual respect, acceptance, and like. I think that in order to be in love with somebody and have that last, there needs to be a friendship and a respect for that person. So these are the building blocks of love. Friendship plus respect, plus attraction. Attraction. Those things together help bring all the chemicals into your body that you need to have those feelings of love when they exist.

So love is almost Lego to you. Like it's little blocks that stack on top of each other. So Lego and love are very similar four letters. L-E. Lego, love. O. So you're- Wait a minute.

L-E-G-O-L-O-V-E. Love. Ego. Ego waffles? Do you want to keep all this in? What do you mean? Everything that we've just done, and you want to keep this in the podcast? I'd like to if you're okay with it.

All right. But keep going. I've never heard someone construct love. I just interpreted love as an emotion as a feeling, but the way you're breaking it down is very technical and almost hateful. But it is a feeling. Okay. Much like hunger.

And hunger can. be explained where sometimes you're hungry and sometimes you're not your body needs something to metabolize your body needs nutrition yeah but there are signals that are going to your brain that are telling you yeah when you are hungry much how i feel about love so love is a byproduct of respect of friendship right of oftentimes uh attraction physical attraction but i don't believe that there's somebody oh i'm in love with i don't believe in unconditional love i said it i don't so you don't believe in puppies I think that if you have a puppy that is very cute, but then grows up even a little bit, starts biting people and hurting people and treating you bad.

It doesn't mean you want bad things for this thing. But to say you love it just because you made the decision earlier, I think if you're signing a contract, you're being stubborn. No, you're thinking of yourself. The puppies provide unconditional love. And you said you don't believe in unconditional love. Oh, puppies don't. So therefore, you don't believe in puppies.

and I'll be damned if I ever meet a girl that doesn't love puppies, so good luck to you ever finding love. Have you ever seen a broken puppy online finding these rescued animals, how broken they are? They aren't loving their people anymore. What are they doing to them? What are the people doing the dogs? What are the puppies feeling towards the people?

Fear, not respect, not love, fear. But if you put out a piece of kibble... Because they need the food. That's the body telling them that things, there's survival, and then there's everything thereafter. Have you ever to attract a girl sprinkled kibble in your bed sheets to try and, shall we say, woo her or court her into your bed? Yeah.

Okay. So puppy stuff equals love? Or Lego is love and puppy stuff? Don't mean much. Hey? Who said that? I don't know where that is. Nietzsche?

Nietzsche. Nietzsche. I often forget. Yeah. Well, have you, have you ever been hurt by love? You look like you have, like real hard. Yeah. Yeah, I've had my heart broken.

Can we talk about that or is that touchy? Sure. Tell me, Guy. How did you get your heartbeat? Excuse me? I said, how did you get your heart bead? Oh, I heard you. I know that's, that could be taken as biotch.

But what I meant is, how did you have your heart broken? Would you like me to tell it to you from, I would like to tell it to you from the context of when it happened and then build on to some of the things I've become aware of since. More building blocks, sure. So a Lego tale. Yeah, isn't that what we are? Isn't that what, isn't that one of the main things, if not the main thing that's, if not the main thing that's, separates humans from other mammals is our strong ability for pattern recognition. Oh.

Well, I don't know if I agree with that because don't all animals work in patterns, hunting, sleeping, stalking. We're not the only mammals that recognize patterns. Migrating, following the seasons. I think. Yeah, but we could choose ours. We're more conscious of them. Just our ability to remember things and to learn from not just our previous mistakes,

but the generations before us, thanks to the language of written word. Does a monkey in the forest not recognize the fruit trees and the non-fruit trees? But what if it screeches in the night, like a howling baby with a railroad tie hammered through its foot? Yeah, but yes, so sometimes it's possible. Okay. Well, I think we're playing with apples and oranges here, guy. I'm glad you didn't say banana. I'll tell you that much.

Well, tell us your tale. A tale of broken love, of hurt, of wound. Take a sip first. Okay, I don't like really being ordered around. It's fine. I didn't do anything to it. On my own highway. Well, so far slow good, said the sloth.

I was just thinking about something funny I said earlier. Okay, well, if you could focus your laughter on my material and not old stuff that I'm not privy to. This is our fourth podcast together, and I would love to talk about heartbreak if you want to, but I would like to acknowledge a moment of sincerity with you that you have become of all of my friends that are like because we only see each other if we run into each other at a club or podcasting. So I don't see you that much.

Or at Adam Ray's birthday wedding. But you're one of my favorite favorites, the amount of how favorite you are. Oh. Compared to how little we see each other or even really know each other for how long. The ratio is, I don't know, if I've ever had it that high of someone who I like so much who I know so little do you want to

keep it that way to I want to keep this and I don't I think that it will but I want the knowing you to keep going up sounds like we're going back to Bermuda guy oh and you went right for the nasals was that it was that like kind of a subliminal sign I don't think I like nasal and then I do the knees nasal knees yeah I think probably yeah okay what lotus player but like I wanted to get a coffee because I was a little tired this morning and I came here and I wasn't drinking too much in the car because I wanted to save it and then I had a realization I'm going to get high once I see him. And you offered me a coffee and it made me with our friendship want to offer you something.

Why didn't you? Well, I'm going to right now. I whipped you up a nice potato salad. That's for you. I would never eat this. Well, just hold on to it. You might get hungry. It expires in less than a week, this whole big thing.

Well, that gives you seven days. Potatoes. The second ingredient is mayonnaise, and the first ingredient in that mayonnaise is soybean oil. Oh, baby. I think the first ingredient is love for it. Take a sip of your Coke. Okay. Again, I don't really like being told how to sip on my own podcast.

Do you think there's going to be complaints about the way you drink that? Or do you think people get it now in every day? time you pick it up they know to like lower the volume i think people have to learn to learn about well i don't want to hear me i don't it's gross that's gross well that this isn't like a curling rink guy well you just did it's like what did you just say say that again a curling rink people slide you know i don't have a broom i'm not doing potato salad curling here guy that's my impression i'm doing an impression of a guy who is like has a little writer's block, but just, you said something that just queued him into like now he knows how to finish the thing.

Potato. Curling, could you give me one sec? Well, beep boop bo bo bo bo peep. Hey, yeah. Remember that sound you were looking for? What do you think of this? Back to the future. God. I feel like if Forrest Gump and Rain Man had a baby, you just like, boom, you're the guy.

Now, do you think the two, who would be the biological father? Bumpleady gump, rainel me, mum, gump, gumbleddy, bumbledy, bumpledy, blump, rainy be gump, gumbledy, bumpledy, bumpledy, bumpledy, bumpledy, rain. Say that one time slow. No, thanks. for the rest of my life. So, yeah, I've had my heartbroken. Let's hear about this. I'm interested in this, because love is so powerful.

Love is kind of, people say money moves the world, makes the world go around, but isn't it really love? Gravity. Love. Yeah, gravity. Lovity. Parity. I don't like parrots, but I do enjoy crows.

Do your best impression of a crow. Ah! Do your best impression of a parrot copying that crow. Ah! Ah! That's good. They're very similar, aren't they? Great mimics.

That's the thing. But let's hear your story. I got to, you know, we're in the mood. We're creating this mood of love. I think people watching right now are getting a sense that there's a real love vibe happening on the show. Sorry, he took my headphones off. Say that again?

There's a real love vibe happening on the show. And we'd love to hear your story of being demolished by love. Well, it's less about the story of being demolished by love and more about the realizations of how much we put on the external factors of our own identities that is the real heartbreak when sometimes what you are losing is being able to see yourself through another person's eyes, right? Okay. So when you love somebody so much, and more specifically, when you begin to rely on them in a way that is, I would argue, unhealthy, I believe that when we're in a relationship, we are our own individual people with our own lives growing in our own directions, and we do it side by side with each other, as opposed to we need to be growing together as one unit.

Look, this is a great TED Talk guy, but you said somebody damaged you. No, I said I had heartbreak. I think actually what they did was they gave me data to learn how to control my own feelings better. Can we pull this into the personal human world and get out of tech talk? I mean, who was this girl? Where was it? What did she do? There's a few.

There were a few. We want that one that you're stepping around. There's one you're dancing around like Borga Chops. at a Russian ballet on a frosty Friday night while Moscow is burning. Now let's get to it, tinkle toes. So there are two in particular, and one was the first time that I felt this way, one of the first time, at least as an adult where I was more aware of my feelings. You felt love.

I'm saying at the end of these two relationships I'm about to say, we'll call it A and B. At the end of A, I had this horrible feeling. And at the end of B, even though it's completely, different girl or guy or Dr. Seuss characters. I had a completely, I had the same horrible feeling. And that's where something popped out to me. Wait a minute. I felt this exact way before in a completely different time with a completely different woman. The commonality isn't about losing this person. It's something with me. And what I came to realize was, I sure you're grieving a loss, but why did those two losses feel exactly the same when those are two different people?

And that's what is interesting to me. I think it would be interesting to the listeners if we could relate on a more personal level and get out of Microsoft Wordland and maybe put a name and a place and a face to, I don't do. That was for your knees. Hand lotion. Who, who? Oh, I'm not going to speak it because it's other people's business too.

I don't like to speak about other people. Hypothetical name. Hi. well no hypothetical name not the real name i thought you were calling me pathetic well part of that pathetic yeah until i get a real answer hi pathetic it seems like you're uncomfortable with love and i'm going to be honest with you guy you're being evasive you're eluding it's a hard world language to wrangle language and i'm going to admit something to you right now it's tough for me too love is tough and that's why i wanted to bring it up with you today and since valentines has come

and I'm not comfortable with love. Right. Can I, as an experiment to try and get comfortable with love, offer you a Valentine. Yeah. Of course. Take a sip of your Coke first?

I didn't do anything to it. I might need one. This isn't easy. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

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Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Offer you a Valentine because I was a friend and you said it earlier. You said you loved me and I love you. Oh, wait a minute. Is this real? Is there something? this is seal this is real yeah and i if you'd like to read the valentine i don't want to embarrass you well thank you so much i really appreciate you what a great gift i love chocolates there's uh

if you could there's a i don't want to do it on the podcast it's probably personal well then i guess i'll luckily i have a backup I'd like to read for you. Oh, well, if that's the case. If we're going to read on the air, I think it only makes sense that we do the original. Well, it's not easy for me to profess love. You want me to read it?

Yeah, if it's for you, I mean, it's tough for me to express love, but I tried. My dearest Valentine, I love you so much, tender, like cinnamon raining in the night. That cinnamon in here. I love you so much. I'd like to stuff a giant potato down your throat.

Well, that's what you call your penis. I remember. Ram you with my Dodge pickup truck. So hard that curly fries come out of your nose. Trying. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed.

No, I get it. I get it. It's tough. is emotional. That's from the heart, guy. And you shoot tater tots out of your ass and kill the last living endangered green Galapagos cactus tortoise. Dude. It's okay. It's okay, guy. Power through it.

Power that's love. I love you, tender cinnamon friends, cinnamon tears from cinnamon ice. Tender cinnamon garlic bread. And I mean that part. I know. I know. Be my cinnamon Valentine. Be my cinnamon valentine with angel hair.

For me to write that as a big step, I hope. Thank you. Happy Valentine's. Happy Valentine's Day, man. Love is, can I throw a word at it? Magic. Love is magic. Do you like magic?

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Whoa. What is that? What is that? That's the type of thing you'd see of a preschool guy.

Did you ever go to preschool? Well, let's not steer at that direction, but yes. Take a hit of that. Yeah. Is there something I should know about this? I did nothing to it. Love is magic. And I'd like to, because your mind, like even trying to.

Your mind, I feel like for Valentine's year, you're mine too. No, your mind. Yes, your mind. Past tense. You were mine on Valentine's Day and after your mind. Oh, okay. But can you add a D to the word mind? Mind, yes.

Like going in and reaching and finding all the important special parts of you. Oh, then can you distract the D? Oh, yeah. Well, good luck. Put us together and try to get rid of the D. Wow. Can we do a little magic? Oh, what a smooth transition.

Yeah. Well, love is magic and your mind. I mean, here you talk about love. I love the theme to the Godfather. Oh, my God. I was doing Roll Tide, Hans Zimmer from Crimson Tide. Oh. Oh, bum bum bum bum bum.

No, now that's Star Wars. Of course. Ready? Ready? Pick a card, any card out of the deck. Look at the deck, look at the whole deck, and pick a card. A card. Any card?

Don't let me even see. Okay. I'm going to cover my eyes. Show the card to the camera. Tell me when you're done. Okay. Now hand me the card. We're not doing any cutting here.

Your card is what? The Ten of Diamonds. Wow. Wow. Unbelievable. Okay. Watch this. What the heck, man. Now we're not going to be able to use that card. No. Do me a favor, guy. Reach into your back pocket. I don't have anything in my back pocket.

Or one of your pockets. Reach into your pocket. I don't have anything in any of my pocket. Just reach into... What do we got? Show it to the camera. What the fuck? Yeah. Show it to the camera. Uh-huh.

What's your name? Carl. How the fuck did you do that? It's magic. It's like love. Who knows how it works? Wow. Yeah.

Who knows how love works? Okay, Carl. Now, weird. question but if you were walking along a riverbank when you're strutting along right i see a big dinosaur print big like like raided you know how they they get embedded in the in the granite in the clay like what do you what's your reaction yeah yeah that's right uh-huh that's right uh-huh You know how to edit that, right? That's your reaction.

Name any card in the deck. Just name it. I'll go one better. Okay. You pick a card and draw a happy face on it. Pick any card and draw a happy face on it. and tell me when to stop uh stop top or bottom top okay draw a half beef you can show me the card i'm gonna draw you turn this side

Stay the side You know I have no chin Yeah, I know So this should be able to go really a lot faster Than what you're doing Because I don't have a chin So to draw my face Could almost be like the Nike swoosh

Jesus guy Okay there or Salvador dolly. Okay. Okay. Smiling or just a face? Just a face. Oh, wow.

Okay. The two of spades. Okay. Can I see your card? Okay. Watch this. Harlot, now we can't use that card. What are you doing?

You drew my face on that card. Do you believe in the power of coleslaw or potato salad? Something you were so quick to curl away. Look on the bottom of that potato salad. Show it to the camera, please. Please Now Ready to start believing in love again

I believe in it Let me take a sip of that Coke Let me show you something Take a big one, a big sip Let me see Oh, well, no Let me show you something. Let's be careful with the beverage.

I need to do a little tricks, okay? Okay. So in order to do a trick, so I'm going to need a piece of string from that trick's shirt. Oh, okay. Got it. Okay. I really don't know if you can outdo the potato salad trick.

That wasn't fucking incredible. But watch this. Where's this on camera? This would be your camera here. You'd probably have to lift it up a little. I can't. It needs to be on the table. Okay, then it'll be camera three, which is over here.

Can we see it? You know, why don't we just... Because if we adjust that, your eyes will get... Just for the trick. Conjunge ofitis. We can have it here? We have it? Yeah, we got it on three.

Whoa. Wow. Pretty cool, right? well here's i'm just gonna here's the deal that's incredible what you that you're a potato trick by the right and the other one but when someone comes in and you do a potato salad trick and then someone immediately thereafter takes a coca cola and now does the potato salad trick uh nc not cool guy uh party foul what's going to going on. What the hell? What? Are you kidding me? What the? Rick, what the hell's happening,

guy? Oh my God. God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Are you okay? Quick. Some potato salad. Like that would stop a dinosaur. Yeah, seriously. Hey, it's a T-Rex. Get the potato salad. Name any card in the deck. Your wife. I mean, four of clubs. Here we go. Here we go. Tell me when to stop. Snott.

Stop. Okay. Yep. Now, tell me when to quit shuffling. Stop. Okay. Name a number one through ten. Ten.

One, two, three, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, Eight, nine, ten. Name number one through ten again. Ace. Number one through ten. Oh, three. Okay. One, two, three.

Name number one through ten. Seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Okay. Top or bottom? I usually like to be on top. Okay. Let's each take a card.

Don't look at it. Okay. You pick your own card. Pick whatever you want. One of these? One of these two. I'll take the one, five. out of this away from you. Don't look, don't look. Okay. Okay. Now, a lot of people think that

whatever, it's an annoying thing. Other people say, a lot of people call me a king at what I do. Okay. And that's why I made sure to pull up a king for myself. Are you serial right now? Now, you called up yourself. So before you take a look, I want you to remind everybody what your card was. I don't know where this is going. What was your card? Eight of clubs. You said four of clubs. Can I look? Yeah. Show the camera, please.

Wow, bro. Yeah. But you want to know something even more interesting? What? Here's the Aet of Clubs. Are you fucking kidding me, guy? Name any card. Go ahead.

Tell me when to stop. How about the Ace of Hearts? Okay. Cut the deck. Okay. All right. Take a look at the top card. I'm not going to let you outdo me with magic.

Go ahead. Are you kidding me, bro? That's right. Look at that shitting grin on your face. You think I'm going to let you outdo me with your magic on my pod? Oh, I don't believe that you have any other tricks. Why don't you look in another one of your pockets, Rick? I don't have anything in any of my other pockets

Yeah, well, why don't you look? I know I don't have anything there. Okay, maybe if you'd believed in magic, you'd look. Okay. Okay. More shuns, don't you read it? Turn it up the other way. Fuck off street horror.

Oh, I get it. So I think we're done with the magic. Oh, yeah? Oh, no. I have one more trick. For God's, what the hell? Name a card. I got to go with the Jack of Clubs.

You know that. I'm not going to go with anything else at this stage. What else? There's nothing left. Well, who's the Jack of Club's father? Oh, are you kidding me? Fuck off. Bro.

Who's his mother? the black bit you know what bro i've never sorry sometimes i have a few tricks at my sleep come on guy i've never told a pod guest to eff off but fuck off all the way downtown get on the fuck off merry ground well fuck off what i'm confused about though is

i just saw the parents but i just oh for fuck are you fucking fucking me please take a look and find the jack of clubs where is it you gotta be fucking pepper jacking me, bro, it's not here. What the are you effing?

Why don't you check under your soundboard for a second? What the What's What? What? Ha! Ha!

Oh. For all the times that you rained on my parade For all the clubs you got in using my name You know there's only one way out of this There's only one way to bring this back And steer it towards love Because right now I'm feeling hate Why?

Because you just, you just shined me I was doing it with you You grind popped me, guys We were growing together next to each other I tried to do some magic. I was riding high and you thunderslam me. And I don't, you know. I'm sorry, man.

Are you fucking, give me a magic $100 bill. You know what? The only way through hate, and this is the point of this is love. That's right. And so now I'd like to get you to indulge me. Would you like to do it? In an exercise.

Would you like to do it? I would like to do this. Would you like to do it? I would. Or would you? Osprey, which is a flying predatory bird that dives for fish. Don't say that. What in the name of Cape Capshaws fucking tinker tots?

When you're by yourself, you talk like that? I think we need to speed date. We're going to do two rounds of speed dating, one where you're the girl and one where I'm the girl. But this is not only to heal the magic hate that just happened, but this is for our viewers to try and figure out love, figure out Valentine's Day, try to understand your discombobulating TED talk that made no sense. So let's do some speed dating. Okay. You're the girl and your name is. Stephanie.

And I'm Dawn. I know. When you hear the bell, the speed date starts and when you hear the bell, the speed date ends. Now, as the girl, I'm here, so I've been sitting at this table, you're going to enter because you were the one Don who was rotating around. So will you sit into it? Yes, I will. Great.

Already you're being controlling. Not a good start. Hi, I'm Don. How are you? Hi, Don. I'm Stephanie. I'm good. How are you? Great. What are some of your hobbies? I recently got into knitting because my grandma knits. Okay. And I'm not very good at it, but I really like to do it. How about you?

I was really looking for a good knitter. I'm into origami bowling. I like ice carving, and sometimes I like to do butter sculpture. What's origami bowling? Like you make little pins out of paper? Right. You put pins. paper pins at the end of a paper laneway and you roll a paper ball, you dumb fucking tarred. You know, it's funny. If you go speed dating for real, but you bring that. I don't think things aren't going well.

You can push, push that. Okay. Oh, man. Now we reverse. You sit in. I'm the girl. I'm Charlene, and you are... Don, no, I was Don.

You have to be a new guy. I'm Charlene, and you're... Okay, well... Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready. Oh, you're in charge of, sorry, Don. With... Oh!

Hi. I'm nervous. What's that? I'm nervous. What are you nervous about? No, that's my name. Charlene Nervous. Hi, Charlene. Hi.

You're beautiful. Thank you. Um, so what kind of things do you like to do? What the fuck guy? I'm trying to date. Try harder. Harder. Try harder.

Yeah. If I set by a girl that was, acting that way well yeah you know what here's exactly what i would do deductive and intelligent at the same time here's what here's what i here's what i would say dynamic woman i i'm just i i don't want to waste your time tough player i don't want to waste either of our time so what was it that turned you off i didn't believe that she was there for love okay can we try again yeah we'll be caring this time yeah and how about you make me care in as well How are you? I'm Karen. How are you?

I'm well. My name is Ovitz. Oh, office. I love it. O-V-I-T-S. Oh, I love it with the silent Z. Where are you from? I'm from Chessix. I live right down the street from the chip shop. You would have heard. Was that in England? It's in Chessix. I think I just said it already a bit of a checkmark against you for not listening.

No, I don't know where that is. Well, they say listening is a big part of a relationship and you're not clearly not earing me. Well, I've never been over there, so I don't know. Okay, okay. I like water skiing, and I like looking at sea horses at the aquarium. Well, if you're going to laugh at me, maybe you can go get on a fucking bus and fat off, hey? All the way to fuck our village. Who you talking to?

You. Ovitz. Ovitz. Dude, I don't, I'm not able to, like, be present with you with that boy. voice that I do. I can't get out of it. Can I tell the fucking bell goes off. Oh, I get,

I, uh, that didn't work for you. You don't like foreigners. No, I'm not good at, uh, at accents and, um,

I felt, I felt, uh, I just felt bad doing it. Okay. Wow. I don't want to, I feel,

I don't, I hope that didn't damage our love. Maybe can I give you another Valentine? Is that cool? Hi there. Oh, hi. Hi.

Oh, happy, happy Valentine's Day. I think it's so cool that they, that they did this on Valentine's Day because, I don't know, it's such a lonely holiday, you know? Lonely, how come? I just, I see a lot of my friends and they're married or in relationships and they just, and I'm just reminded that I feel alone and I just wanted to meet somebody and it's a long answer. This is supposed to be speed dating.

Oh, okay. Well, if you could speed it the fuck up, Gonzalez. I like, I like a girl with a little bit of an attitude. Right? Right. So you were saying you have a Valentine's gift for me? Or you were saving it for one of the people you were dating? No, this is for you.

Can we, yeah, this, because I, we, we, you said at the beginning we had this friendship, right? And even though we're guys and we're straight. Well, I don't know if I'm straight entirely. Well, maybe I don't have a Valentine's. for you, guy. Why? Because I might not be straight. Okay, maybe I do.

Maybe I popped back in. I stepped out. I triple scorched and I rumble popped back in. I do have another Valentine's for you. Did you hear that? Hello? Hi, I have another Valentine's for you. Let's do it.

Okay. You're going to let me keep those chocolates, yeah? Well, not only that, but look. Wow. and this time i i'll read the valentine because this one i really worked extra hard on excuse me extra what well i thought we were getting rid of the d sorry my i just went got stuck ready what do you mean it got stuck well when you said that remark my i winced and then i got stuck in a wince.

Stuck in a wince. Isn't that, J.D. Salinger. Yeah. Are you ready? Hold on. Yes. Oh, tender friend with your black crayfish eyes.

Your rotten gum stink like dirty dog shit flies. Your cinnamon skin soft as a stained motel sick sheet with barfed up Denver omelets and assorted deli meats. I love you so, oh sweet tender friend. The old man farts in the bathwater and the wheelchair crippled bends. Like a little bouncing baby down an old railroad track. Like a priest behind Denny's sniffing altar boy crack.

Like spinal bifida glistening on a magic scene. starry night. Like the mailman who power slams your diabetic fat slob wife. You are my love. Yes, my very seed. Dementoid, fucknard, Cajun-style imbred. Words can't express the love in my heart. Take a garden hose to the zoo.

suck a boiled egg-smelling koala fire. Oh, tender friend, bastard child so fine. Smash your face in a ceiling fan, my sweet Valentine. Wow. To get that out and to be able to say that one guy, straight guy to another straight guy, that's not easy. Happy Valentine's. Happy Valentine's.

Yeah. Whoa. Wow. You okay? Check your bag pocket. Are you cereal? Mm-hmm. Get out.

What the hell? My back pocket. Mm-hmm. Get lost. What's, are you kidding? Yeah. What the fuck guy? What the fuck?

Carl? Show the camera. Wait, what card is this? Ten of diamonds. Fuck off. Mm-hmm. Carl? You know what?

I'm taking the Valentine back. How about this? This is like a love-hate show guy. There, it's a raining poem. How about that? Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, well, that was my first Valentine poem. Now it's back.

You're not going to rip it up, though, right? No. Let's take a look at these. You know, I've been staying away from, um, In fact, I'm going to continue then. I've been staying away from processed sugars, and every now and then I cheat on the weekends. Well, you said look at them.

Yeah, but if I open it, I'm going to eat it. No. I won't. Well, that's like saying if I open the potato salad, I'm going to eat it. Do you want potato salad right now? We have dominion over our eating behaviors. I am trying to put myself in the best position possible

to limit temptation. Or should I say wigwam? I'm trying to prove we have power over temptation. You know, it's called bargaining, and what you're doing is trying to test yourself by actually testing yourself to give yourself a better out to doing it. Are you, you're sober, yes? Not right now, I'm not.

Jacked up like a $3 construction worker wandering through the streets of Bakerfield with a Mickey in his back pocket. and a golden crack pipe in his afro. Okay. Okay. Are you into wafting? I don't stay away from it, but it's not something I seek.

Great. Oh. Oh. No, I'm just wafting. Yeah. I don't like that waf. Well, you said you're into it. It actually smells really, really bad.

It's making me a little sick. That's disgusting. Okay. Wow. Thought Valentine's could waft. I mean, we can love, we can waft. Tracy Chapman? Yeah.

Right, road. Or now I think we should call it her Tracy Chap person. Oh, yeah, you can't. Wow. Yeah. It's getting crazy. I actually saying even crazy is gaslighting women. So you're supposed to say it's getting something.

We can't say this stuff anymore. Remember the old jokes? These three guys walk into it. a bar, a black guy, a white guy, a Mexican guy. Now it's like these three walk into a bar. The first, the second, the third, uh, it sounded like the second one was Jewish though. Yeah, he was the Jewish guy, a black guy, a white guy and a Mexican guy walking a bar. And I have to be like, the first guy was like, and the second guy was like, and the third guy was like, er, yeah. And the third guy was like, er.

Yeah. But here's the other thing. Now you can't even say guy. Right. You can't even say guy. Now you've got to say these three carbon-based collection of atoms and molecules. C, B, C-B-C-O-A-M's. Walked in to a wheelchair ramp accessible, all-gender bathroom, racially, diversely staffed bar.

I mean, dude, we're spiraling here. Could I give you a high? A hot take? Sorry? Can I give you a hot take? Sure. How much? How much is it?

Free. Oh, girl, I'll take one of those. You know, all this talk about, oh, you can't say this, you can't do that. Yeah. I understand where people are coming from when they say that. Yeah. But the truth is, I don't really subscribe to the things that you can't say. Well, I subscribe to the things you can read mostly, like Time Magazine.

I'd like to finish this thought. Well. I'm more so subscribed to the things that you can say Okay And you can say What it is that you want to communicate And there's a way to communicate the things you want to say Pardon me

There is A version and collection of words And emotions put together To communicate to somebody What it is that you're trying to tell them I'm going to say What's now I just feel like you're fucking with me

Well, I'm not picking up on what you're trying to say Turn these You're having backwards Oh, Christ I'm saying there's a way to communicate the things you want to say Okay Yeah If I wanted to say a black guy, a Jewish guy

And a Mexican guy walked into a bar Well, you can't, but if you wanted to Well, you can't And the way you do it is by talking about the things you can't say. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. Insta's insurgensurts is a port of face.

Wait, wait, wait. And it looks like that way. It's just important that you recognize how it is it's going to be pushed forward. Oh, I got it. Yeah, understand. Yeah. Chris crystal. So, uh, you just have.

have to explain that these are actual people walking into a bar. And this isn't about anything other than something I want to tell you. And a lot of people will say stuff that they don't want to say. And I don't even think they realize they don't want to say it. A lot of small talk and platitudes and things you're supposed to do. When we do what we're supposed to do, we're not thinking about what we need. And ultimately, much like people pleasing, I don't feel like we're really looking out for the other person. I feel it's a selfish act to avoid being present with that person and showing who you really are. Right.

Keep going. So what I'm saying is figure out what you want to say and then say it. Okay. The problem is more so that people don't know what they want to say. Right. Okay. Guy, I mean, that, wow. You know, this started off as a show about love and connecting.

understand, and you've just been, you want to make this positive? Do you want to make this positive? Do you want to make this positive? Because you're, you're a looting. You look to make things negative. Okay. You look to make things negative. And I think we shine the best in positivity.

You're dancing. We shine the best in positivity. Fa la la la la la la la la la la rape. What did you say? Sorry. Fala la la la la la. Yep. fall la la la la la la la la ra no how does it go

fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la azt okay what did i say la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la jinks you owe me a coke well that didn't really mean anything that one was a throw away that's what i was talking about let's say the stuff we want to say okay now i'm getting it hold on one second I'm sorry, you're just, your chum,

you'll create a perfint. I got a bitch. I got a bitch is, and I do it yet. I like a in the

little chat. Inmit chat is no, no, no, glutechap is a porfant. Ah, I'm glad.

I'm glad. I'm glad I'm, I can't through the fling, the tongue, pancett and...

Portses. Chiletto. Chiletto. Purses is a flinkenkenkenk. And the that length can a mongo winter dung. Puertoia and Winketong is

Kort-a-kort? A cord-kort? Yes, what, was, what, Taco Bell. I see. I'm a gungal clive. The gungalive is in a

port-refack. In English, in port-efeck, it's a mouint, a paletifutouche, and in ginklephant is in cord danyas. Oh, danias.

Danyas is in Pur-egand. So, Korea, Danos is that porcans. Daniels is the porcant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, yeah. Bunkcuchat.

Oh, purgak, good, much, but don't know. Oh, come, chishka-wala. What I said, I said, no, no,

Kourriat. Oh, Koriat. Yeah, so, so, so, funding ticket stub? Um,

I'm a Tatsapu, Lekthwan. Tatapu, Tatapu, Tartipu, Tartipu, Tartipu, Tash,

Isklaq, quah, quah, quah, quah. You just think that way, but it was otherwise. Okay. Well, no, when he was, when he was a boy, used to tell me his parents made him wear a dress when he was a boy. That's beautiful. But back in the 50s and 40s, a lot of young boys wore sort of a dress like garb. Like they do in the Mel Gibson movie, Lethal Weapon.

Braveheart. Braveheart. Braveheart, yeah. Um is for horses, bud. It is? Mm-hmm. No, hay is for horses. I, listen, their choice.

Um is for Alzheimer's patients. You know, there's a joke. Um, uh, and please, if you've heard this, tell me the correct punchline. Be honest, okay? Because there's a point I'm making to this. Yeah. Um, do you know what gay horses eat? Have you heard this joke before?

I haven't heard it. A lot of people have heard this joke. It's an old standard that I've, since I was a kid. what do gay horses eat can i can i process this for a second yeah i can tell you the answer i know but i'm processing i'm picturing two horses out at a bar maybe taking a little gallop up broke back mountain i'm trying to visualize mountain well you put yeah singular uh what do gay horses eat pussy no the the the joke is hey That's what they say.

Oh. But can I tell you what gay horses really eat? The same thing as all horses. Hossi? Yeah. It's funny. I was driving by a field the other day and saw two horses 690ing. And were they on their sides or was one on their back?

No, it was on Highway 69. And they were just out in a field. Just on the field on Highway 69. Does the Harlan Highway go through Highway 69? Yeah, it does. It does. it smells what it does um i think we're at the point guy yeah i mean we got through love well i don't know if we got through it but we addressed it is there anything else you want to say about love i mean it seems

like the things that i that the feelings i have about it and the things i've learned uh from it um i don't know if they bore you or they feel too clinical so i don't want to waste you or your audience's time getting well then let me be let me ask one final love question why if love is the best feeling on earth why can it also hurt so much? Well, what you're saying is basically setting something up to be taken away. I mean, that's what grief is, right? Okay. Anything that feels good, once it's lost, you're going to have to grieve it.

But why does it hurt more than any other loss? Even death, even a member, when a family member dies, you sort of get through it. But when someone leaves you or hurts you when you're madly in love, Why does it resonate forever? Why does it hurt so deeply? Like you want to jump off a cliff or... Right. So I don't think I could speak to the scale of what is worse

losing a family member or a loved one, but I could address that feeling indifference where there is a sense of forced acceptance, more so losing a family member who passes or a friend who passes because you know, at least deep down, that it is out of your control at this point. You have no choice if they die.

But when someone chooses to leave you, then you start to feel a sense of responsibility. What did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough? Can I get this person back? And that's what I was talking about before, where I got a relationship A, I felt so bad. I got a relationship B.

I felt the same kind of bad. And I realized, oh, this isn't about that person. This is about what that person gave to me and my identity. And that's why I think it's so important to recognize yes, it feels good to have somebody look at you in a way that is so loving, but if that is the only way you could see yourself that way, you have work to do. And, you know, this is a little corny, but to truly be able to love somebody else, you first must understand how to love.

And to understand how to love, it's self-love, the rawest form of love. That's why I think this idea of, oh, you're selfish. I just think selfish as such a bad PR team because we need to be selfish. We need to take care of ourselves. We need to love ourselves. We need to have high self-worth. We need to know what our needs, our wants, our boundaries are. Once we have that and could communicate them,

we want to find a partner who could accept them, whether they're the same or different. Just accept them. And you, theirs. So there's a mutual acceptance and respect. And of course, yes, you want to be attracted to this person. And when you have that, those are the Legos, the building blocks, to allow yourself to have that sustainable chemical love.

Come in. You know, I'm trying to understand. love, but you talk a million miles an hour. Well, what is love to you? Is love loving another person? Yes. That's not how you understand love. You understand love by loving yourself. I mean that. You love yourself. You understand how to love yourself. To truly love yourself, you have to accept yourself and your flaws, at least in part while starting. What is in true spontaneous, romantic love, just throwing all that technical mumbo-jumbo to the wind and just letting love flowing through the door. You're talking about passion. And that exists and that's important, but that's not what love is.

Isn't it? I'm not a golfer. I'm not a golfer. I'm not a golfer. It's a walk through the rain with someone holding your hand. Isn't it standing on the edge of a cliff singing Elvis in the moonlight? It's romantic. That is absolutely romantic. But to you, what is it? Sitting in front of a therapist, talking it out? No, it's just, listen, you're talking about love feeling so great, but then it feels, so bad to go away. When you're getting into something, find a way to make it sustainable. How do you do that then? Communication. Self-awareness and acceptance. And that starts with self.

Very technical. Yeah. You know, when- What about the flow? Do you not believe in the flow? Kobe Bryant talks about how much he practices so he could forget about it in the game. Golfers talk about it. Yes. But in order to flow, you have to work at it. You don't practice love. You let it wash over you like the stars. I couldn't disagree. over the moon at night. You absolutely, absolutely need to practice love. I would argue it's one of the most important things to practice because it's the only thing that your body doesn't subconsciously handle for you.

Where's the romantic in you, Rick Glassman? The romance in me is knowing that when I find this person, I'm going to be so secure and confident and happy with myself that I'm going to be able to be present with her or him and just be able to focus on our needs and words. You're reading me love for dummies. Hey, man, Barnes & Noble. Welcome to planet earth because that's what it is, love for dummies.

I want the guy that looks at a girl and just drifts away. I want the guy that looks at the girl and feels butterflies in his stomach. I feel that. I absolutely feel that. And I also know that I could stay there because if for any reason I'm feeling a little insecure or jealous or any negative feeling that is so internalized, I could clock it, I could recognize it. I could then see I'm triggered and ignore it, or I could communicate it to my partner

and feel safe with that person. And all these dips that will always be there, you can mitigate them. Not just for the lows, for the highs as well, when you're feeling that so connected and raw and like enjoy that and stay there, but recognize this is this moment right now and enjoy it, but this isn't what it's always going to be

and it's not supposed to be. This is a lot of chitter chatter. Sometimes love... Careful with the language, my friend. Sometimes love is sitting on a grassy bluff looking out over the ocean and you don't even have to talk. Wait, what's a bluff?

Let me show you. Are you going to get your cards, right? Just take five. Or you know what, take two? Wow, look at this setup. All right. I have a king and three jacks. I don't think you know how to play this game.

I'll say it again. I have a king and three jacks. or king? Maybe I don't have one. I'm bluffing. And I'm out. I think it's time for words from a wooden shoe. I'd agree. Well, if you're going to laugh. Yes. This isn't the forum for you. Words from a wooden shoe. By Eleanor Rigsby. Excellent. Words from a wooden shoe for words better spoken. for you can't or you can do you find yourself empathy walking in somebody else's shoes isn't

meant for you it's meant for me because you find yourself putting out flavors love togetherness but whether it's rainy or stormy hot or cold it truly doesn't matter what the weather is what if you have gout well i feel like you know there is gout in what other people have and then there's self gout. And when you have self-gout, you need to handle your business. You want to go up on a hill and just gout. So what we do is you reach into the wooden shoe, an authentic Dutch clog. ODC. And you reach in, you pull out a word without looking, and see if it inspires a story or a memory or something that happened in your life. Do you want to go first? It's only for the guest. Oh. Don't look. I should have guessed.

What is your word, Rick? Fire. Ooh, hot. Yeah. Any... Yeah, it makes me think of... Spark. Any memories?

You know, there's a woman that I don't want to get too into it with you right now in this public forum, but... She's a lizard? No, I thought I had to sneeze. Pardon me? And we were... Well, she was in the shop. I'm at her place okay and uh I popped in take a look in the shower oh yeah okay she saw me she went like this show me your goods oh my god and I'm like listen her breasts

were really low yeah she she's older okay she's older she's older 90s uh double d's but close And, you know, I had already showered that day, but for some reason, can I say this? This is okay? This is all right. I was feeling a little dirty. Yeah. So I wanted to get in the shower. With her.

Turn the lights off. It's too dark. Turn the lights on. It's too bright. What did I do? Let a candle. Pottery barn. Full fire.

Put it at the end of her sink. Was it scented? Um, I don't know. Did you sniff the air? Yeah. By air, you mean her booty all? No, that's not what I meant. Oh, then no.

I got in the shower with her. Okay. I left my clothes out because I was a little insecure. Okay. And I gave her something too because she'd look cold. Okay. And then I realized, like, we just got everything wet. Excuse me.

Excuse me. I didn't leave my clothes on her hers. We just got her wet. Oh. Oh, God. I get my allergies. God. So, you know, I'm doing my thing.

I'm giving her my hog. Okay. And she's saying things, you know, sweet things. Just like, the fuck are you doing me? What the fuck you're doing? What the fuck you're doing? Oh, that feels. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have her, she is, her palms are up, she's bent over, but her palms up, against the wall where the water's going in her face but she turns the side so not it's starting to get my body she's like fuck yes uh and you have it lift we have her on her toes enough to where um angling to where it's hitting her her g spot you're having sexual intercourse with a 90 year old woman no you said 90s i thought you're talking about the size of her breast I said double voice okay because I'm picturing you like having a good old time at the overlook hotel in room 609 with the bathtub shining check oh no okay I'm

My bad. It's okay. So you're in the shower, having sex. And someone's clearly not enjoying it based on the faces and sounds you were making. No, I liked it. I was just really. Oh. Okay.

Yeah. And she was, you know, when you, when I don't say I ever make a woman orgasm because I don't. I'm just there facilitating. Yeah. You know, like if you have an orgasm, I'm glad I could have been a part of it. maybe a big part, maybe a small part. But it's not like I'm going to make her come. I'm going to be present with her

and allow her to feel the passion, the safety, the dirtiness, whatever it is that that is feeling. And let her do what she's going to do. Now, did she have an orgasm? I don't, I don't think I've ever been with a woman who's had an orgasm, technically. Yeah, that makes sense.

Technically. Yeah. But I do think she had a good time. well I can have a good time at 7-Eleven buying a pizza slice that's a good time orgasm at 7-Eleven uh is that a challenge have you had an orgasm of 7-Eleven yeah what aisle uh is when checking out oh at the checkout counter the same lady i was speaking about, she wanted me to get her this sugar, this sugar-free gum. And I was talking about the aspartine that's in it, and it's bad. And it's like, if you're going to have gum, just have some gum.

And she goes, shut up. I go, blow me. And she did it? She blew me. At 7-Eleven. Yeah. At the counter. Uh-huh.

Wow. Did you hit your head on the cash register? Yeah. When I was coming, I, I hit my head on the cash register. guy it sounds like you don't i've learned from this if i can bring it full circle you're you're not you're not a little redundant i just want to say just call it a circle well let's call it a circle because if a circle is not full it's just a you well if you're fat i'll call it an onion ring if you're fat i think we got to close this out with a quick round of speed dating okay uh i'll be the guy

I'm Larry I know And you're Ezramelda Hey I'm Larry I like race cars Hi Larry I'm Esmeralda I like race cars too

Oh great Have you ever been to Daytona 500 Oh no I haven't Is that something you go to? Yeah you sit up in the stands And the cars go around 500 times Oh That sounds really fun

Yeah I also like horse riding and sometimes I go sailing on the weekends. You and any outdoor activities, Griselda? Esmeralda, I love horses. I've gone riding a few times. Okay. Yeah. Do you have your own horse?

I do. Do you lease it, or is it a horse that lives with you that you own? It plows. And I'm hoping you plow too, you fucking creep. Sorry, I fell out of character. Right. But what a great podcast. Thank you for being here.

Is there anything you need to plug before we go, Guy? Well, you know, I'll say, you know, my podcast, take your shoes off podcast. Please tell us. But I feel like in this world, if somebody likes somebody, like the name is in the title. Like if you want to see my Instagram, you could just look up Rick Glassman. I don't have to tell you my Instagram is Rick Glassman. I know, but a lot of my viewers and watchers aren't so, you know. Something happening in your face.

What did you say? No, they don't really. They don't, they're not, you know, little my viewers. Right. So maybe you best spell it out. Do you find that audiences generally represent the person as well? Like take a large sample of your audience and you put them together. They like together a lot of the common traits are something that you would also connect to.

Take my audience. Picture a group of people stuffed in a root cellar. It's summer. Mold is growing on. on them and an old lady comes down and squirts breast milk all over them from her 90s and that's my audience and that's not i'm not insulting them they know who they are and i'm just saying i'll be the irvine improv march 16th great uh doing my own show okay um and uh you've want to come on down to southern sunny california and check out a headlining show uh we could put the link in the

description. Okay. Again, telling me what to do on my five. Or, you know what, we won't do that. Just Google Rick Glassman-Urvine Improv. I got to keep up with my website. I don't really do that. Yeah, it's not really doing so good. It's still on AOL.com, right? All right. All right. Well, Is there anything you want to plug? I do have an electric toaster in the kitchen. I'd love to plug that in. But anything you want to plug, like, tell people about. Oh, I have hair. I got new hair plugs. Looks good? Yeah. Brazilian. Oh, yeah. Can you say that? Well, what I did, I went, there's a place down the street that does waxes and

Brazilians, and I found the old hair that they threw out in the dumpster and, so I got Brazilian hair plugs. All right. Well, thanks for having me, Harlan. Okay. Do you want to mention your podcast because yours is wonderful, Vunderbar. It's beautiful. It's wonderful.

Yeah, to take your shoes off podcast. Well, say, you know, be enthusiastic about your work. Tell them. A friend of mine, let's just leave it. at that, but you know who you are that I talked to today told me that she or he watched our 2.0 episode and when the second time we came my podcast and thought it was great. It's when people say, you know, what podcasts should we watch should I watch? Like when they're being introduced to mine, I give a list of different ones. But ours is is usually in that like

list of five in any particular order. What a honor. Yeah. Honor. It's okay. Honor. That's like a Hawaiian whore. Yeah. What did you think of my Coca-Cola trick? Did you like it? You know, I just realized now what you did,

you put sleeping shit in there. That's why you were such a snooze. My name is Rick Glassman from the Take Your Shoes Off podcast. If you want to see more, check out Rick Glassman.com or go to YouTube and Google search, or YouTube search, Rick Glassman. Follow me on Instagram at Rick Glassman. and remember, figure out who you are

to help all your relationships with other people. Come in. Holy fuck, bro. That was tough. Do you want to end this a little nicer? It's done. Dude, I tried to be lovey, lovey. I gave you valentines and you fucked me over.

Thanks for the chocolates. Well, you'd feel like you fucked me over. How so? I gave valentines. I didn't get one back. what i gave you a valentine and i didn't get one back so i'm a little angry you know you could have them back when people give you something um to get something in return you're not really giving a gift you're setting yourself up for expectations you think maybe a little valentine poem to just

get me on my way on this special day and then i can shut the cameras off sure you want me to yes give you a poem just a quick one to get out of here so i feel something Thanksgiving is a day for joy, or is it for hate? Do you show up early to meet your family, or do you show up late? It's a history of discovery or rediscovery for the pilgrims. All I know is I have nothing but love for my far away best friend, Harlan Williams. Happy Valentine's Day, love. I love you.

I love you. See you in Bermuda Slot I didn't mean that last part I swear to go There I took the bell fairy Took it away you're not You want to go to Arby's

For Valentine's Did it freeze? No we're going I want to take you to Arby's for Valentine's Right now Arby's? Yeah let's do it You know what Arby's where they got their name Where do you know

Arby's R. B. Roast Beef. Oh, I thought they got it from your wife.