The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #46 - SARAH COLONNA, Comedian, Actor, Author.

Episode Date: February 21, 2023

Comedian and Author Sarah Colonna is here to talk tipping, babies, writing, and Donald Duck! Sponsor: Head to FACTORMEALS.com/HARLAND50 and use code harland50 to get 50% off your first box.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Harland. Welcome to today's episode. Before we get started, I want to let you know. Due to popular demand and your requests, people have asked me to hand-draw a t-shirt for my charity, Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away, for all those children out there with horrible cinnamon allergies. So it's here, and if you want to order your very own Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away, fly away t-shirt just go to harbling.com hardbling.com and order away we have all sizes all colors and you'll be helping those poor children with their swollen ankles

and the drool coming out of their mouths and their red eyes and all the money goes directly to meet to the charity and that's how you do it just go to harbling.com And start helping the cinnamon bastard, the cinnamon children, allergy children, bastard, children of today. And now let's start rolling down the Harland Highway. But wait, then there's another level to this tip madness.

The thing where they ask you if you want to ante up. Right. And then they go, oh, would you like to even up to an even $25 for the children in Korea with no lips or whatever? Whatever the, you know, the gimpy kids of Brazil with no arms. Yeah, and then you feel bad. Yeah, the Boy Scouts with no legs. They do put you under pressure.

And you feel bad saying no because you feel everyone's staring at you. Or is she going to hit no on that button? Yeah, and then she's there judging you. And meanwhile, there's some, like, kid in Korea with no lips who can't eat a cup of corn. And you feel bad because you just bought, like, shampoo and toothpaste and, cheesies he could have helped him buy a pair of lips he could have some gimpy kid in korea with the lips suck the ice off the side of a 7-Eleven or something that's exactly right now I'm going to round up for the rest of my life

you're riding down the harland highway all right hold tight on the harland Highway Show Harland Williams Ladies and gentlemen Very special guest today I threw in a silent W because I know you like Special guest

Here on the Harland Highway Sarah Colon is here Let's hit the theme music Yeah Right here Sarah Oh yeah that's nice music You like it?

I do I mean I've heard it Because I've listened to your podcast Oh, you do? Yeah, yeah. Oh, what an honor. Thanks. Well, it's just different live.

Yeah, it's different live. We're here. I'm feeling it. Are you feeling it? Are you one of those people that rides off of that type of energy, like the feeling thing? Like, do you have crystals and do you believe in vibes and all that stuff? Are you just someone that goes, oh, what's going on today? That's kind of me.

Yeah. Kind of an idiot, basically. Like I don't. Christy child. Dominum nostrum, Jesus Christi. Demons get out. You're not allowed to come on here and call yourself an idiot in the first sentence. Well, I just mean, you said, do I ride off a vibe?

No, I just kind of go, what's happening now? Yeah. I don't have vibes. So you're not into people. Like, you've met them, right? Especially here in Hollywood. They're like tingly and they're like, ooh, your energy. Yeah.

Like crystals and all that stuff. You know what some of those people do too? What? That really bugs me is they touch your face. They do? Yeah. I know a person very, very in particular that I'm thinking of that is a, he's like a face toucher.

He's like, he likes, yeah. Oh, no. Well, they touch other areas, really. They do, yeah. Show me on your face how they do it. Like he grabs your face kind of, which is, was already weird before, I don't know, COVID and everything else. It's just not, you shouldn't touch people's faces without extreme permission.

Yeah. Ooh, I was at a premiere once. I went to some kind of premiere, you know, big movie premiere. And I saw an executive who I had done a movie with years before. And he was sort of a big executive. He's like, oh, Harlan, I haven't seen you in so long. You'd look so great. And he did like the little like slap.

Like not in a grip, but just kind of like a friendship slap. And I was like, I almost wanted to punch his lights out. Yeah. What do you to even touch my face? That's like an aggressive like aunt thing, right? Like your aunt who comes in. It's like, look at you. I don't know.

Yeah, I don't like that. Yeah, this was a guy that had no bloodline to me. He was just like executive here in Hollywood. Do you slap him back? I wanted to. Yeah. Like it actually got my hairs up. Like I was like, like I had to kind of like, like I had to kind of hide my.

my feelings because I went into the red zone. I was like, I'm a grown man. You're a grown. You just like slapped me on the face. I would have been fun if you just like kind of punched him back sort of. Yeah, I haven't seen you anybody either. Bam, just right, right hook. Just choke them out, like make them unconscious.

God. Have you ever, when you were doing the dating scene, did you ever have someone who was like kind of like a like a vibey, like hippie, like kind of. Yeah, we didn't get along. What happened? It's just not, I don't know why that's not for me. I probably should have a couple crystals in my life, but I just don't. It's just never been my thing.

What about crystal meth? Well, that, obviously. Yeah, that really gets you going, you know? That definitely is a vibe. So you won't do crystals, but crystal meth is on the menu. Yeah, that's a vibe. What color is your tent that you live in on this? Oh, God.

Purple. Oh, God. With a couple crystals hanging out just a case. Yeah. Have you passed some of those tenters out on the, like on the road now? Like they didn't used to be there like three, even three years ago. There were no, there's homeless people, but there weren't tents. No, there's whole whole like tent cities.

Like lines of them. Yeah. And of course I feel bad for them. But what happens is if you ever done this, you're driving by them. And some of them just come wandering out in the. street with their pants half down or with a shopping card or like something on the couch on their show and it's like it almost causes you to crash yeah it's not doesn't seem safe for anyone so it's it sucks obviously and you do feel bad for them but they i feel like there should be a

better place for them to be staying that's pretty crazy for themselves too because they're in bad weather they're you know it's hot that's brutal man rain sometimes um going back to face touching No, when I was a kid, I had a little brother, Donnie, my little brother, Donnie, and he was blind. Did ever tell you about Donnie? No. Yeah. So Donnie was my little brother. He was a blindie, and I used to read him, like, kid's stories at night.

I'd go up to his room, and, you know, like curious George books and where the wild things are. Do you remember that one where the demented kid dressed up like a horseshoe rabbit and floated to ginger vitus island or whatever? Remember those big monsters? I wish I remembered the details. I remember where the wild things are. Like I can picture the cover of the book. Right. But I definitely didn't remember Gingervitis Island.

Well, that's what I did. But they had these monsters, had yellow focus teeth and gargoy eyes. Yeah, they did. They looked like if they talk, they'd smell. That's true. Like burnt onions and horseradish and Mary Calendors like meatloaf or something. Marie calendars.

You put some respect on that name and say it. Right. It's Marie calendars, and she has delicious pot pies. Isn't it Mary Calendar? Marie. Oh. Mm-hmm. I've been to a brick and mortar.

They don't just have frozen items. They have, like, restaurants. Oh, that's right. I've been to one. Yeah. It's delicious, I'm just saying. I remember I went with a friend once, and then I'll get back to the blindie. I went with a friend once, we both ordered one of those pop pies, and for some reason they heated hers up, like, triple to mine.

And I ate mine. I was like, oh, this is good. She put hers in her mouth. And did you ever burn the whole roof of your mouth? Yeah, it doesn't feel good. She, like, singed it up like, I looked like Freddie Kruger after a, fucking steam bath down at 49th and 12th, whatever that is.

Okay, back to the blindie. So Donnie, the little blindie, right? Okay. I used to go up to a little blindie. room at night and read them kids books because he couldn't see but i had to learn braille i read them to him his braille and i'd put his little fingers on it and he'd feel all the little bumps you know have you ever read braille before i haven't i mean i i think oh i went to school in arkansas i don't think they gave us oh there's no blind no there's no blind people there so they i definitely have

felt it before but not yeah so you know it's those little bumps right yeah so i taught a little Donnie how to read braille. Curious George, where the wild things are. And then cut to, it's funny how life goes in full circles, right? So cut to about three weeks ago, I'm over at the Arby's drive-thru. And they didn't have what I wanted. And I got up to the drive-thru and I was irate. I was mad. You ever been like pissed? At a drive-thru, yeah. Yeah. So I get to the drive-thru and I yanked the kid out you know the the kid who worked there is like this pumpkin-faced like zit-faced horror almost you know like tons of zits like just bumpier than a fucking smurfs wet dream right and i'm sitting there holding this kid about to ream them out and then i had a flashback to

a little blindy donnie and i'm you know teaching him braille and i just started touching the kids reading his face the zits and i was like the first three chapters and i was like the first three chapters of Stephen King's The Shining on his stupid, bumped up whore face? What's wrong with you? That's what happens when you work at Arby's, you know? Sometimes there's a lot of grease

and it causes you to have pimples. There's no way that you took someone by the face at Arby's, but I wish you were that person. I know. I just, I wanted to have a face touching story because you came out strong and you had a face and you were even able to... Yours was strong, even though

I mean, it was totally made up and it was definitely strong. I know, but I had to kind of embellish to kind of keep up with you. But you said someone was like doing this to you. Yeah, a lot of, how are you and face grabbing? And who was it again? It's this guy that I know who just is very, that's his thing. And everyone talks about it behind his back. And at some point it needs to be addressed.

Maybe he's listening now and then that would be great. And then hopefully that'll end it. You've never addressed it with them? No, I try to just sort of get out of the way. Because he's well-meaning. Yeah. And he's just one of those people who thinks, like, oh, it's so good to see. I don't know why you would ever have to touch someone's face.

It's almost phony, right? It's almost fake. Like, they're almost over-exuding with, you know, excitement to see you to the point where you almost feel like it's phony or something. Maybe I need to have a really pimply face like the fake guys from Arby's and he'll never touch me again. Yeah, but just grow zits that spell. I'll fuck off and braille. So he grabs you. It's like, fuck off.

Don't touch my face. You creep. He's like, wow, how could you say that to me? I'm like, what? I didn't say, I didn't say anything. Yeah. It's not a bad idea.

Just silently fuck off. Have you ever had that in real life though? Are you out of concern, out of respect and love for someone you know or care about, and they were doing something that was like kind of awkward or off-putting? Did you ever cut through that barrier and go, hey, I care about you. Just so you know, this thing you're doing isn't a good look for you. And you hope they get what you're saying. Is that ever happened and it went south or did it go well?

I have done that before. Oh, what happened? With a friend that used to, she was one of those people who really likes shock value. Okay. And so we would be out. This was like, I don't know. was probably late 20s, early 30s. Just for the crowd, shock value.

Like, have you ever walked in on or, like, sucking on an electric eel or anything? Like, what do you mean? Like, likes to, you know, take people by surprise. Oh, shock other people. Got you. Yeah. Not like an electric current type thing. Okay. Got you.

But it would be interesting if that was it. Okay. So what was this confrontation? Well, I just, I had had enough because we would go. to bars it usually happened when she had a few too many drinks okay and she would she was one of those people who would like to a stranger sitting in a bar would say something quote unquote provocative right something that that most people would find offensive to a complete stranger yeah yeah acting and she's like what i'm just joking around that kind of thing and she did it all the time and finally i was like i

can't go out with you anymore if this is what you're going to do it makes me uncomfortable you said that to her yeah um we're not friends anymore really yeah and was it that that did it it didn't uh she didn't take that well yeah but it was just sort of a period of time that her behavior was always kind of like that so it just sort of fizzled out as far as a friendship because i don't i don't find it's i don't find it fun to sort of mess with people that are strangers and assume that they're going to be on the same page for me like i don't know you travel a lot by yourself right for stand-up yeah and so do i so i am like a person who likes to be left alone. I go to lunch by myself, dinner, whatever, right?

So I really sympathize even more with someone who's just trying to have a drink and a nice night and someone's like, chill out. Yeah. Someone's antics, which they think is fun, is not what the other person wants. Yeah, you kind of have to respect other people's space and privacy or, you know. And it's a hard barrier with a friend too, because it's kind of like that thing, we've all had this where you have a boyfriend or a boyfriend and they go, oh, this is my new fiance or this is my new boyfriend or girlfriend and he's great and I love him

and everyone else knows he or she's like a schmuck. Yeah. And then they say, well, you know, five months later, I'm going to marry the guy and you know that he's either cheated or he's a liar or he's done something. And you have to go, do I tell her? Do I tell her who this guy really is

or do it. You know what I mean? It's like if you cross that barrier, you don't know if they go, oh my God, thanks for telling me. Or do they go, who are you to fucking say what he is? Or if they're defensive. Right. Because now you're tampering with their through line of love. Yeah. I have a few friends like that men and women that I'm like, I love you, but I would never set you up with anyone that I know. Right. Yeah, I don't want to put my name on that. Yeah. Yeah. Demon seed. Wow. Speaking of demon seed, talk to me. Do you go to Starbucks?

Do you go to get coffees and Starbucks? Sometimes. I'm more of a coffee bean fan. Oh, okay, but you go for, like, you go to those places. I go, I go. Yeah, not daily. But let's talk about, let's talk about the tipping. Okay.

What is going on with everywhere you go now, even Rite Aid? that you have to tip on your prescription. People want you to tip. Here's your cancer medicine. Would you like to leave a tip? Would you like to leave a tip? But there's a little jar right there. You're not going to be around too long.

Why don't you leave a tip? You can't use it. Might as well. I saw your diagnosis. Yeah, I know what this is for. And you can just go ahead and get rid of your money as you pick it up. Yeah, give me a big tip. Do you tip at Starbucks?

Well, here's the thing. I feel pressured. Like it's like I'm coming in for like a cup of coffee that's already. I don't get coffee. I get hot chocolate, but it's already way overpriced. Yeah. And it's like now they want like another dollar or $2 or $3 on a $6 hot chocolate.

And it's like here's what the person did. It was like, here's your hot chocolate, sir. Yeah. And then I like take the hot chocolate. hot chocolate, and I go, well, didn't I just do the exact same thing you just did? Like, where's my tip there at corn on the cob teeth or whatever your name is? God. First of all, I don't know why I'm fascinated that you go for hot chocolate over coffee.

Yeah, I've never had a coffee. Ever? Ever. In your life? Never had a coffee, yeah. Is this thing a lot of people know that I didn't know that I'm... No? Okay.

No? Never just tasted it, never. I had one sip. by accident. I was shooting a scene in a little film project and it was a scene at a coffee cart and I said to the prop master, I said, I've never had coffee in my life. So put Coke in the glass and I'll drink the Coke and he forgot. And so in the scene I put the and I could feel it in my mouth and I went, but I didn't want to blow the take so I swallowed it. And then I went to him. I said, hey dude, blah, blah, blah, blah. But that's the only sip of coffee I've ever had my life.

And did it, did you hate it? I didn't hate it, but I didn't like it. Like, I wasn't like, oh, my God, what have I been missing? But it was more as a kid, all I ever heard adults saying was like, oh, God, I can't stop drinking coffee. Oh, I wish I didn't drink three coffees a day. Coffee kind. And I thought, when I was a kid, I thought, well, if I never drink one, I never have to deal with that. Right.

And you never have to be the person screaming about coffee all day, boring people to death. Yeah. They don't have to worry. everyone's, I'm addicted to coffee, so I just never did it. And then how often do you have a hot chocolate? Oh, it's random. It's like, you know, every one every few months or whatever. Oh, it's not like a daily situation.

No, no, it's not a hot chocolate's not addictive like coffee. Had one yesterday in case you're wondering. Do you go marshmallows? I mean, for some reason, I'm fascinated by this. I can't have marshmallows because marshmallows to me look like a ghost went shit in my hot drink. that they look like ghost turds now i can never have marshmallows either yeah if you're ever thinking of roasting a marshmallow on a campfire just think of it as a giant white ghost shit and you'll never do that you'll never do that again i mean why i don't know why you'd ruin a perfectly good

marshmallow for me but well imagine a smore that's like a ghost shit with skid marks on it i had a smore for the first time i don't think i've ever had them to be honest they're obnoxious it's too difficult it's too much sugar you almost go into like um anapoleptic shock or whatever it's called yeah and it doesn't it doesn't eat easily it makes it's messy you like like a black bear going through a garbage dump when you eat a schmore and it's just runs down your face i well a friend of mine took a video of me eating it because she he was fascinated by the fact that i never had one before and i was just like look at me i look like a fucking monster eating that sorry for the f bomb but that's what i look like And then I thought maybe I could start an only fan

where I just eat s'mores and people will probably pay for it. Oh, they would because they droop and drizzle. And here's the thing. A lot of times you're at a campfire and you're blasted out of your mind on tequila or whatever you drank. Hot chocolate. Yeah. And then you've got like schmore all over your fingers.

And then you go to take a leak and then you get all the marshmallow melt in your pubes. And now it looks like a ghost puked on your junk. You know what I mean? That's its perspective I hadn't thought about it, to be honest with you. You don't want ghost puke on your junk. I've only been here for a few minutes. You've already ruined a few things for me.

There'll be more to come. Arby's. Starbucks. Where the wild things are. Where the wild things are. Smoors. And probably coffee. Yeah.

Probably done with that now too. But do you, I could see you getting jacked about, about tipping. Like, do you get up tight on it? Like, how do you handle the tipping? Well, it's hard because I worked in restaurants for so long. Oh, so you might have the other perspective. I have the other perspective, but I also, like, I over-tip at restaurants at bars, even if everything was shit. Oh, yeah.

You know, even if the server just stood in a corner and forgot about me for the whole time, I'm like, here's 20% at least. But I do agree that there comes, like, I don't know why we're tipping everywhere. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like what you said about restaurants, even when the service is bad, Most people traditionally tip. Yeah. But what I'm talking about is when, like it's subway. You ever go to subway?

Yeah, now they have a thing. They make you sandwich. And before you, you know, you know the guy's not making a ton of money working there. I know. So then you feel bad. But still, it's not like he ran around tables and went in the kitchen and did this. It's like you handed me a cookie or a sandwich. And now, I don't know.

Have you considered putting a tip jar on stage when you do stand up? Um, no, I might put one up here, though, on the podcast. I think that's a good idea. I think it is a good idea. The next podcast, you're going to see a tip jar right here. I think it's a great idea, and it'll probably remain empty. I don't know. I don't carry cash.

I give good podcast. You do, but what if I don't carry cash? Do I? You can put your credit card in it. That's true. Just stuff it in, leave it. and then let me decide what I want as a consumer. Sir slurp a lot.

Hello. That's a good idea. What's your name? Sir slurp a lot. God. What is wrong with you today? I'm sorry. It's just what happens.

But wait, then there's another level to this tip madness. The thing where they ask you if you want to ante up. Like let's say your check is. like you're at right aid or AIDS if you want to if you're at right AIDS and your your bill is like 2349 right and then they go oh would you like to even up to an even 25 dollars for the children in Korea with no lips or whatever right whatever the you know the the the gimpy kids of Brazil yeah no arms yeah and then you feel bad yeah the boy's scouts with no legs or what are like what is some of these causes you know any it happens at the at

pavilions i believe too i feel like my grocery store does it too yeah they're like don't they're like don't you want to round up for the children with no heads yeah and i'm like i yeah that's the main one yeah they don't have any heads wow and then you feel like you hit you feel bad hitting no because you're like what would i do if i didn't have a head but yeah how about throw them in the meat grindron instead of roundup, ground up. Oh, man. So slurful. I like it.

No, they do put you under pressure. And you feel bad saying no because you feel everyone's staring at you. Is she going to hit no on that button? Yeah. And then she's there judging you. And meanwhile, there's some, like, kid in Korea with no lips who can't eat a cup of corn. And you feel bad because you just bought, like, shampoo and toothpaste. and cheesiesies.

You could have helped him buy a pair of lips. He could have some gimpy kid in Korea with the lips suck the ice off the side of a 7-Eleven or something. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

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Even the term sounds right. Yeah, we're going to round up. Let's round up some lipless Korean chillins. What the Who says round up? It's horrible That's true But does it make you mad

You seem kind of fine with it all I think You're not as bad as I wanted you to be Well I do I guess I feel shame now Now I feel shame that I always hit no Oh you do

Have you ever rounded up And now it sounds like a sexual position I have rounded up Similar to reverse cowgirl position, it actually is. Yeah. Round and pound. Round and pound. I would round up if it said, do you care to round and pound?

I would hit yes on the button. With the cashier, grab them. It's round out. Yes, I do, ma'am. And I would hit yes. Oh, a ma'am. Yeah. So it's a lesbian roundup.

Yeah, why not? Wow, those are my favorite. There's no rules. Wow. But what are some of the causes that you've been asked to round up to, like for real? The real ones are usually, I feel that at pavilions, it's always like a food bank. You're in a food store, and they're trying to get you with a food bank, and they've got a whole warehouse full of food.

That's a good point. I never even thought of that. That's like going to a leprosy call, and asking someone to give you a fucking finger. I never even thought about that. And by the way, there's like, and this is this, they definitely have, you know, they sell, I don't know, tuna and whatever that they made. Yeah, there's expiration dates.

And you're like, oh, this goes bad tomorrow. Why don't you go give that to the food bank instead of gilting me in the rounding and pounding with the one I don't know. Sorry, I just get my microphone. I'm very passionate. Oh, that's what we want. We want to see you juiced and juiced hard. I want to see you round up.

But here's the other thing in today's world that we live in, and this might be tough to talk about, but I live in this world now where I don't know that I trust where the money goes. Like how do I know that right aides signing a big check to the lipless children of Korea? Here's some round up money, kids. Go suck on a cob of corn. I agree with that. You don't know where it's going for sure.

Yeah. Because you see these televangelists and you see all these people and they say, oh, we're giving money to God and to the orphanage and the next thing you know, they're on their own leered jet, private jet, and they're Mercedes and they're partying and Cancun and cocaine. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's the other thing.

I don't know if I trust where half this charity money goes. It's a good point. I think it's better to just go home and donate to the food bank from your own. I think so. Like they have websites. Yeah. You don't have to trust. I mean, maybe it's legit, but I guess it's just, it's a predicament of the world we live in.

Remember when they used to have, I feel like they don't really have these anymore because they have, they used to have, I feel like at every grocery store, they had like a little coin thing where you could put in change and whatnot for, I don't know, just say, it was supposedly going somewhere. I don't know to who, right? Kids with leprosy. Yeah. It's pretzel legs or something. Or Dean of the cashier. Yeah, yeah. Nubs McGinty.

But one time, when I was really young and first moved to Los Angeles, oh, boy, here we go. I would always put stuff in those. You know, oh, here's my change. I'll put it in there. Well, I got my taxes done. And this guy, his name was Bob something. Yeah.

A long last name. I forget it now. Bob something. But he was a shady tax guy that I met. in like a coffee shop and where he did my taxes in the middle of a coffee shop and he said well don't you ever donate to those things at checkout and I was like yeah I put my change in there all the time he's like yeah that's a write-off how much do you think you put in and I was like I don't know probably thousands of dollars which is not true thousands I don't know I just made some try 86 cents

I know yeah well I thought well if I did it all year it must be a lot of money and no it's not it was like pennies oh yeah like 365 pennies oh god Um, and then I got audited by the IRS because this guy was shady. Bob something. Yeah, Bob something. Oh, something. Bob bullshit. Yeah.

So he, uh, he got me in trouble because I was dumb and didn't know. I was like, yeah. It definitely wasn't thousands that I said. But whatever, he, the only reason I got audited because he was a shady accountant that met people in their coffee shops and apparently all of us turned our, um, I don't like keep hitting the microphone. I don't know aggressive. I'm sorry.

Just thinking about it. I like to see you get power jacked. But also I was like 26 and they audited me and I worked at a restaurant. So it was a waste of everyone's time, but I learned a lesson. Never donate again. Yeah, never donate. Have you ever been to one of those places where they have like the little box for the kid with, you know, they got a cleft lip or something?

Yeah. One of their eyes is on their left ass cheek or something. And that it's sort of empty. But then the one beside it is the thing for dementia. puppies or cats with the ringworm in their face, you know, and they're like overflowing. Yeah. And like people donate to the animals before they donate to their own kind. Yeah, someone's got to go in there and just make it even, split up the tips.

God. Yeah. I think people like animals more than they like people. I mean, sometimes. Animals are nicer usually. Yeah, animals don't try to hurt you. Hey, everybody. This is Harland.

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slash Harland 50. I said it again to get 50% off your first box. Hopefully this gets you eating right, feeling right, smelling right, looking right. I think you're going to enjoy it. So give Factor Meals.com a try. And now let's get back down the Harland Highway. Speaking of hurt, what's the worst thing going on with women these days? Like what's the thing that's hurting women, whether it's like physical, social, emotional, like, what's the one thing that women are just like something's like crickling their cracklings or whatever the thing is? I mean, I don't know if my crickles crackled.

I guess, I don't know. What do you think? Like probably social media is probably the worst, but that hurts everybody. I think it's the women in sports thing. It's like it's the men doing women's sports. And I feel like, you know, it's almost like, I feel like, you know, women did women's live in the 70s. They burned the bras. And then before that, they got the right to vote.

And then it was equal pay for equal job. And then it was like, you know, giving women more high-powered positions in corporations. women politicians, and meanwhile, all the men were in the background going, okay, okay, check, check. And then the little men's private boardroom, they're like, okay, it's time for some payback. How about we never let a woman win a sporting event ever again? I mean, do you think there's a secret meeting like that? Well, I just find it weird that women who have worked so hard, struggled so hard to get to where they want to be and now women are saying yeah men run in a marathon uh go in a bike race go in a

swimming pool beat us beat us beat us like i'm just confused why women would allow that i don't know i feel like i'm not educated enough on all of it to be honest with you that's weird man that's weird i mean i feel like in like women sports obviously outside like a different topic but like professional sports, women is always, you know, they're not paid the same and it's very, but it's underwatched in comparison, right? Like things like that. And that's already like a, you know, a thorn in the side. But then you're letting men come in and compete and just leaving women in the dust.

Have you watched these track and field things and stuff? Like men are, men are at the finish line smoking a cigar and eating a corn beef sandwich while the other women are still coming around the corner. I'd fucking run faster if I saw a man eating a cornbread We've sandwiched at the finish line, to be honest with you. Really? Yeah. Is that your type of jam?

I love a Rubin. Oh, and the smell of that meat stuck in their gum. I don't necessarily want it. Yeah, I don't necessarily want to kiss anyone after they eat it. I just want the sandwich. Right. You'll do an extra lap, just run by and grab the sandwich. Yeah.

Yeah. I just don't understand it. Like, it's like women have worked so hard. and you got these women in college and high school and even in Olympic sport and professional sports organizations and they're letting men come in. Well, you're talking about like transgender athletes.

Well, men who identify as women. Right. I don't think they're even transgender, are they? I think they're just saying, hey, I'm a woman. I'm going to run in the 400 meter today. See you later, biotches, you know? Or are they transgender? Maybe I'm missing something.

Well, I think it's... But even then. I don't know. If biologically, they're still got all the muscles and stuff of a man, it's, I don't know. Right. I think people, it's such a fine line because people want them to live how they identify and be categorized how they identify. But then there is an unfairness, obviously, in the genetic makeup. Oh, yeah.

So, yeah. There's so many women I've seen these girls who have dedicated their adolescents to wanting to get to the Olympics and get sponsorships. And they're getting smoked by these, these. men in the sport and they're losing their opportunity so maybe the middle of the road the best thing to do would be create a sporting events for like people who identify as something else or transgender right that might make it more I see what you're saying I know it's such a tricky subject because obviously I'm all four people living the you know how they want to live and who they want to be right but not at the price of someone else too right you know as far as sports you

mean, yeah. And I'm saying this in support of women. Like, I, I hate seeing that, that someone's getting left behind for, for something like that. I don't think I've paid enough attention to know that it's like a big, um, issue, but I, I mean, I know the issue was an issue, but I didn't know that it was like, pretty weird. Yeah. Yeah. I think they should reverse it too and just, you know, if you want to be that humiliated, women should be allowed to compete in men's sports and just get the same result what do you think you could outrun me you have a cornby sandwich in your hand or do you is the bigger question because if you do then i don't think you can outrun me because i'll catch you fast yeah i'll catch me real good i'm not an athletic person so i don't think i pay

pay enough attention to what's going on okay no worries um but you are a writer by the way folks Sarah Colonna, hilarious stand-up comedian, a writer. You write movies, TV, wrote a couple books. Wrote a couple of your books. My first book, which was a New York Times bestseller, number five on the list. Yeah. Oh, wow. What's it called?

Life as I Blow It. And then my second one was called, Has Anyone Seen My Pants? Wow. So they're very serious, as you can tell. Yeah. Number five? Yeah. God, how did that?

make you feel pretty um i was very happy i was yeah yeah it was it was surprising and it was uh it was nice and are you going to do another book since you've had success with two i think i am because both of those were more about uh times when i was single and dating and different stories in there not just about that but sort of the second one was an overall sort of being in my 30s and being single and liking where i was and then everyone asking me why i wasn't married and whatnot and me wondering what the fucking problem was because I didn't want to be married. You didn't? No, I mean, I am married now, but just because I met someone that I wanted to marry,

but I didn't, wasn't looking for it. He's a great guy too. He is. Yeah, he loves you. He was very, he's Canadian too, right? Yeah, yeah. He's so nice. Straight out of Regina.

Straight out of what now? Regina. Aren't we all? Yeah. You know what they, you know what they call it. Oh, boy, what? The city that rhymes with fun. You know that because you're Canadian.

or did you not know that? No, tell me. That's what they call it, the city that rhymes with fun, Regina, Saskatchewal. Okay. Yeah, it's a bad joke. You know, there's a city in, this is for real, there's a city or a town in Newfoundland in Canada called Dildo. Is there really? And the saying there is you can take the girl out of Dildo, but you can take the Dildo out of the girl.

And in the middle of town, this is true, you can look at it on Google, they have a wooden statue of a sailor and his name's Captain Dildo, because it's like on the water. It's like a fisherman's town. So Captain Dildo is standing there waiting to greet you. I love Captain Dildo. Yeah. Yeah. No. I don't want a baby. I don't want anyone else's baby. I don't want any kind of baby around me. I like babies. It doesn't sound like it from what I just said, but I just have never wanted kids ever. I was very, are you going to get a baby out from under there? Oh, no. Oh, no. Surprise. Thank you.

Looks like it didn't work out. What is it? You're awkward touching it. Well, that's why you don't want one, I guess. It's awkward looking. Yeah. I mean, why did you, why do you have this? I don't know. It's just, I keep things under my desk. Yeah, this is some serial killer shit. Is it? Yeah, keeping a stuffed baby under your desk. Oh, I thought you meant the baby was going to be a serial killer.

Well. What would you call that? If you could give that baby a name, what would it be? Demon? No. Sounds like Damien, but demon? Artie. Artie?

It kind of looks like an artie. I don't know. I'd probably call him. Fuck eyes. He does. Look at those eyes. They're very blue. He sort of looks like maybe he could be mine, to be honest with you.

I don't have blue eyes, but John does. And, yeah, that's a... Imagine calling him in for dinner. Hey, dinner's ready, fuck eyes. I think you have to go get him. This is another reason I couldn't have kids. You have to go get them for things. They can't go get dinner.

That baby can't walk yet. It's too young. Oh, I was wrong. here it goes how would you create you're a woman how do let's how would you cradle a infant child versus how i would create like if you were to cradle it in your arms okay like this isn't that what you do is it yeah yeah okay well hey baby yeah okay hey baby yeah yeah that's what you think you could maybe call oh sorry hey fuck guys yeah yeah yeah that's i think that's how you hold a baby yeah yeah well is this also going to

up on only fans next to my here's out here's oh guys let me see how you hold it just slinging over you're going to the mall fuck guys hang on like a lumber jack we're here oh there it is you know yeah that's probably how i would carry a baby which is why i don't have one i do get uncomfortable when someone hands me a baby you know you got really jacked when i went well wait when I pulled them out, you got little jittery. Well, for several reasons, but... Really? Yeah.

What else? Because you have a doll. A baby under your desk. Yeah. I know. It is worried about, you know. Just concerned about what goes on. Well, let's switch gears back to cleanse your pal at your mind.

As a writer, I wonder if we should do a little thing where we each, because writers are kind of poetic and fluffy and flammany. When we write, you kind of, you kind of learn to fluff things up a little. Right, true. Embellish. Yeah. What if we each took a crack at like saying something very writery, you know? Like we each like a flowery kind of like sentence or a paragraph or something and just, you know, as a writer, not like these lay people would do, but as, because I've tried to write a little bit too.

I know. Okay. You are a writer. You didn't try. Yeah. So you have to start so that I can get prepared. All right. Here we go. Under the black velvet canopy of the hot summer night, the crickets chirped in the distance as the children stood in the corn and cried. And as the tractor slowly chugged closer, the cancerous black exhaust spewing, into the midnight sky one of the children Tommy pulled his head off and rounded up I lost it at the end I round it up you went yeah you went back to just being a normal person like a normal writer

you you said that the kids lost their heads and rounded up okay you try now okay it was this cold winter's night the coffee was brewing little jimmy wanted hot chocolate because he'd never had coffee before and his parents said hey little jimmy all we have is coffee and we can't go out into the storm on the road it's a storm on the road it's icy and then little jimmy threw a fit so his dad said it's okay little jimmy i'm going to brave the storm the cold winter I have to flower it up right the cold wintery

storm and I'm going to get you coffee no hot chocolate yeah there you go thank you so Henry little Jimmy's dad hops into his large Ford pickup truck

unbeknownst to him and had a flat tire and he took off down the icy road and he slammed into a tree and he died And little Jimmy had to live with that.

Wait, I'm still dying. It was a slow death. And then he died. Wait, not yet. No, he's dead. We're good. Yeah. We should write a book together called Round it up, Pound It Down.

Round it up, pound it down. Is, if it's not a book, that should be at least the name of, I don't know, a tour. Oh, a tour. Yeah, or a tour and a sex act. Or all three. Rounded up and pounded it down. I mean, it kind of says it all.

Do you have tattoos? Do you have a tramp stamp and be honest? No. I used to have a belly button ring. No way. What happened? I don't know. Just one day it wasn't there anymore, so I guess it fell out.

Ooh, did you just disappear? Yeah. Yeah. At some point in my 30s, it was just gone. It's probably like at the bottom. of a holiday in hot tub or something. Yeah, it probably is. Or like a motel six.

Oh, God. Yeah. Imagine stepping on that. Someone's got your belly button ring. I know. If anyone's found it, I think it was sort of like a pink color with a, you know how they have little balls on them? What now?

It had like a little ball on it to keep it, I guess, in. But that didn't work because it did fall out. Also, I don't know how belly button ring falls out. So now I feel. like something went wrong my buddy i think you know him larry the cable guy yeah he said his fat girlfriend has an onion ring in her belly button wait you know what there there's a rumor when i was in high school what about a girl and this is obviously not true but this is what reminds me of your that the onion ring joke i'm not going to rule it out can i decide if it's true or not

yes thank you she had really very very large boobs and we were only in like ninth grade and someone said they hooked up with her and that a spider came out from underneath one of her boobs oh i don't that didn't happen and she had to deal with that rumor in high school i don't there's no way a spider came out from under a boob yeah you know what i'm going agree with you on that because think of it a boob is like gets a lot of meat yeah it's a lot of weight yeah a spider is a delicate little acronoid or whatever they're called Acry. Acne. Arachnoid.

There we go. So if you put like an arachnid or a spider under your big, if you said she had big melons, giant milk jugs. Yeah. You put that down. That would like be rolling a boulder over on a baby on good old fuck eyes. Right. That would be like, that would be like, you know, just fuck.

Putting him under a tire. That'd be like fuck guys is like in the park playing in a giant bowl. they're like 30 feet high rolls down and just you know you know like like old fuck guys could smell his own his own whatever that area oh fuck guys what a pain this kid is well now he looks like a little superhero like he's flying so if a spider was under a boom like that would I would just do what it did to old fuck guys it would just yeah

like squished the shit out of them yeah so I thank you for I think that she probably appreciates that you're also saying that rumor was false it's cool that we were able to like deduce everything tear it apart made it scientific really reshape it figure out the laws of physics

and realize that a spider could not live under those conditions although I have seen spiders under rocks but somehow they've found a little air vacuum or a crack or something like that let's put fuck guys back he's been through some trauma is that a rough day already yeah um but rumors are mean like that though what has anyone ever said something really mean to you like what's the what's do you remember like even in high school what's the meanest thing a kid or an adult or an executive or someone is there is there something that ever stands out in your mind that was like

the meanest freaking thing someone's ever said i mean i remember in high school people always said i had a big nose which wasn't but i don't know it didn't really i mean i kind of do so it's fine whatever i got that too with my ears my ears like i kind of grew into my ears but right up until i was about like 35 my ears stuck out they called me like alfredie newman and mr spock oh that's not nice yeah i mean did you did you ever try to tape them back you know what's funny when i was little kid. So when I was like probably eight, nine years old, the kids at school, I'd come home crying because, you know, they made fun of them. My parents were like, one day they got all serious. We met in the living room and they said, Harland. Now there's this procedure where we can take

you to the hospital and the doctors can, it's called pinning your ears back and they can flatten them back. And I don't know what it was, but even at that little age, I just, in my head, I went, You know what? God made me with these big ears. For some reason, I don't know what it is yet. Maybe there isn't a reason, but for some reason he made me like this and I'm not going to touch it.

Maybe we're going to be an ear model and you didn't know it. That's a possibility. Are there ear models? I don't know. There's hand models and feet models. It's probably an ear model. Oh, God. Like an ear double?

I didn't know. That might have been my calling. I don't think you have big ears, though. Well, now I've grown into them. But even, even like, if you look at some of my old stand-up comedy specials or even in some of my older movie roles, they're still sticking out a little, you know? I could, but if you had gotten them pinned back and then you grew into them, and then everyone thought you had weird little ears.

Yeah. That would have been a bummer. But yeah, what if, what if they pinned them and then you ever see a tree where a fence is and the tree grows around the fence? Yes. So it looks like the trees, like the fence went right into the tree. That maybe, what if my head grew around my ears and I looked like dementoid from planet fucking. It wouldn't have looked right.

You made the right choice to leave him alone. Yeah. I didn't get a nose job. You didn't get your ears done. You know, your nose is fine. I think my face probably grew a little bit too. But I think it's a little, it's got like a bump. It's fine.

Yeah, I don't care. Yeah. It's fine. I don't really think about it. Speaking just real quick of stand-up specials. Yes. Oh, my God. Here we go.

I mean, I've told you this before, but the listeners get to know that because you hosted my first, at the time, first ever time I did Comedy Central. You were my host. That's right. Premium blend. Premium blend. Yeah. Yeah, we didn't even know each other then.

No. Was that your very first TV like appearance? Yeah. You know what's so funny? There were so many, you got Dean Edwards, who went on to do Saturday Night Live, Bobby Lee, you. there was a bunch of you everyone did it like pinion blend was sort of the it was weird for me because I was hosting it and most you guys were doing it because you were new on the scene like like not

on the scene you'd been doing comedy before but you hadn't done anything like a TV thing you this was your chance to get known and so I was there and I'd already been immersed in it for 20 years and so I didn't know any of you guys I was like oh that guy's good that girl's good that guy's not so get like but I didn't know one person on the show and right and I hosted it I think we went through like 60 comics like it was over three days and I came out and I had to do a little stick in between and introduce everyone what was it like for you that experience it was fun yeah um yeah it was fun I mean I don't even I don't even know if you can I feel like I could probably find it but it would be funny just to see but I don't because I don't even really remember what I did

I remember I wore a bad outfit I had terrible hair really yeah I had really bad hair. Oh, what was it doing? Well, because I have very curly hair and it's long, which is not, nobody ever told me that I should do that. So I used to cut it short and then it would grow upwards, like towards the, like a mushroom kind, like towards the sun, like a plant. Like it was, yeah.

So it was short. Like fungus. Yeah, it was short here and then sort of going up. Oh, weird. Yeah. Like a clown. Like a little bit of a clown. Oh, my God.

Yeah. When I was in college, I cut it really short. and my friend said that I looked like a ma'am from Webster. Do you remember? Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I was only like 20. And so it wasn't a good look for me. I looked like I was about 57.

At least they didn't say you looked like Webster. That's true. I would have been really wrong. Wow. Wasn't he a little black boy? Yeah, a little tiny Webster. It would have been weird if people thought I looked like Webster. Your hair grew so crazy.

You were a white person and you looked like a little black boy at the end of your hair day. That's not a good. hair day. When you jump races, that's not good hair. And just take 30 years off of your life. Yeah. It turned into a little boy. He was a weird looking little guy, wasn't he? He looked like a little doll or something, I remember. I feel like he was really cute. Yeah, cute, but like a little like apple dumpling type of kid. Right. Right. Yes. Yeah. I don't, I remember the kid from a different stroke, Gary Coleman. Yeah. He was like a cute little apple dumpling kid. Yeah, little face, little cheeks. He was no fuck I. but he was no fuck eyes he was he was cute as hell wonder if those two ever got together and just slapped it out like punched the shit out of each other to see who was going to be king of the

queue probably webster and what was who was the other kid gary coleman emmanuel lewis was webster right oh yeah imagine you're just rolling down the street one day past a park and you see those two just drop kicking each other in the face and just pile driving each other I'm the cutest, you little bastard. I would like to see, for some reason, I think I would like to see that. I'd like to see that. UFC, Webster and, uh, what's his face? Gary Coleman.

Yeah, I want them to get along in real life, but I also wouldn't mind. I don't know. So there's probably, probably a lot of people would be fun to watch fight for no reason. I'd like to watch them like eat candy floss together and giggle. He, and then in the next breath, punched the shit out of each other. God, what kind of universe do we live in? An odd one. God.

Ariaki sauce. I wanted to ask you this, because we comedians have quirky senses of humor, right? Yes. Is there anything in your life that physical comedy that, like speaking of driving by and seeing those two fighting, is there a moment in your life where you saw something physical, like somebody tripping or.

falling off of something or a physical moment where you just lost it like you laughed out of control I feel like I always I'm for some reason if someone falls yeah it's especially if I find out they're okay afterwards and I do have an initial reaction to laughing at people falling which is awful especially if they you know if they get hurt and they're like oh shit I didn't mean to laugh but then you're already laughing and then you can't stop yeah it's the worst but I I think Remember Jack Tripper? I mean, yeah, John Ritter. But for some reason that his physical comedy, like Pratt Falls, just being like over the top, always made me laugh.

Like that'll make me laugh every time. But did you ever see someone in real life like at a mall or out of the school yard or in your neighborhood or somewhere like wipe out and you just died? Yeah, I saw a girl. Oh, here we go. We were on, I was on vacation with John with my husband. And it was one of those I tried actually to get this. Have you ever followed that Instagram account

Influencers in the Wild where they It's basically Uh, any, the people submit videos of people who are thinking they're being influencers doing, humiliating shit in public. Like they're trying to get like a, I don't know, a dance or stick their eye or twerk or whatever. Yeah. And then, so we saw these girls on this.

It was like, we were in Mexico and they were, they were, they were out on a on a on a like a boardwalk that had it was closed off it had roped off it had been like wiped out by a hurricane there was only a little bit of it left they were not supposed to be on it people kept telling them to get off of it and then we were watching it these two girls were just getting photos because they love the background even though this was like a condemned area basically and then one of them went out too far and she hit one of the boards that like and broke and she fell right in the water and i fucking laugh for three days how far was the draw it wasn't very far so it was even funnier because basically she fell on her

ass in like kind of shallow water and her feet went up over her head and the guy that had been like telling them to get off of that just basically stood there and was like yeah that's that's what i told you it was going to happen and he you could tell he was trying not to laugh but i laugh stop laughing no yeah especially when someone's being that stupid we were we were driving through we went on a family road trip when I was a kid and I have four sisters and three of us were stuffed in the back seat and it was me on one side one of my littlest sister on the other of my my second littlest sister like in the middle and this was like way back before all cars had air conditioning you know this was like in the 70s yeah so all the windows were down it's the middle of summer

and we're just speeding down this back like farm road like you know it's out in the country and there's like crops on either side wildflowers and all the windows open and i've ever seen the giant giant honeybees like the fat ones yeah they're just like they're really round and big so we're probably going about 65 miles an hour and because all the windows were open like my sister was sitting in the middle and one of these bees got sucked into the car and just went bang and just splattered right in the middle of her forehead and it stung her oh and it bounced up but just the noise it was like just sounded like this splat noise and just it was like so shocking so it died right on impact it died and stunger yeah that's a that's a double

f you yeah oh that's right between the fuck eyes that's like remember when um fabio got hitting the forehead with a goose oh yeah yeah Yeah, he was not, why was that so funny, but it was. Oh, that would be hilarious. Yeah, I mean, probably wasn't funny to, I guess, the goose. Was it a goose? I feel like. No, I think it was a seagull.

Right. Yeah, because a seagull or a duck or something. A goose is very big. Yeah. So I don't think it could have. The goose would have probably, yeah, taken his head off. Yeah. But what are the odds?

Like some kind of bird. Yeah. Not something is. Like a guy that good looking and he gets hit in the face with a, with waterfowl. What a loser. That's one of those humiliating moments It's hard to come back from The irony is if he had only put a nice little sheen

I can't believe it's not butter on his face before It would have like slid right off It would have slid right off Yeah I don't I think I mean I always do that before I go on a roller coaster I can't believe it's not bother Is that Fabio or Schwarzenegger? I don't know

I think it could be Yeah either one It felt like a combo Yeah speaking of foreigners what where was he from was he like dutch or something or austrian oh austrian sounds right so let's go with that well speaking of that we have a little thing we do with all our guests you ready don't pull out another baby no it's called words from a wooden shoe okay it's a Dutch clog and what we do is we get our guests to reach inside there's a random word

in here and see if the word inspires a story or a memory based on the word. But don't look. Reach in. You can't see what you're picking, Sarah Colonna. It's like reading Braille all over again. Okay. All right. Got it.

What do you got? Grandpa. Oh. Any grandpa stories? Both of mine are dead. All right. This was the Harlan. Are there really?

Do you have any good fond memories? I do actually. So my grandpa on my dad's side. Yeah. Was he liked to play the harmonica. Oh, nice. Yeah. And he had one trick that he did, which was that he could talk like Donald Duck.

And he did it really well. He did like a really good Donald Duck. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Oh, my God. Grandpa is that you? Oh, yes, you did.

that's really good that's really good that's really good did I know that you could do that no but thanks grandpa thanks grandpa I don't I can't do I'm fascinated by anyone could do any kind of impress that anything

I can't do it so what was the wait he would do Donald Duck he would just talk like Donald Duck while playing the harmonica no no they're two separate talents but he did play the harmonica and that's it. He's dead.

And then my other question. I'm so sad. Boy, oh, boy. I told you what I like to do is bring things down sometimes. Yeah, I tell depressing stories. See what it did, though? It made you do that, and that was really good.

But he played the harmonica. I don't know. That's a pretty good talent, right? It's a tough thing. Did he play it in a band or was it? Did he just do it like on the street corner? Did he do it for the kids? He would just do it. He would just like, he would just play. Yeah, he did it in like a, with some friends, I think. And when in his later years like at the, you know, he was in sort of like one of those, I don't know, Sun Valley, one of those places where it's not, you're not in a home, but you're in a community. Oh, Sun Valley is not a place. It's like a retirement home. It might be both. It might be a place where.

where there's like a retirement home area. But what is it about the experience of the harmonica that you held on to it? It popped into your mind. Was it as a comforting thing? Is it a... Yeah, I just remember it was how he would entertain us. And he liked to show off and do his harmonica. And he was also a very heavy smoker, so I was always fascinated that he was able to do both.

Have the breath. Yeah. What do you play one or two notes and then pass out? Just do a little bit of both. like, Can you do Donald Duck as a smoker? I am doing. I'm doing.

Oh, my fuck. Holy shit. You got to. Thank you, I said these have no filters on them. Oh. Good.

I thought they said he had no fingers on them, which I thought you were talking about. He doesn't have any fingers. Oh, yeah. How is he, it's smoking like that? Oh, you smoke him with a wing. Yeah. Or like a webbed foot. It wouldn't be easy.

Yeah. Why does he slurper? What's he smoking? Lillipads? Probably. Well, before we go, will you please, Sarah does. That was that. But I just ruined it with talking about my dad, grandpa, and now it's time to find off.

Yeah. No, that's fair. The final thing is always the, we end the show with the wooden clog, the words from a wooden shoe. I know, and I should have been more prepared for a better story. No, that's a great story. It doesn't mean, it can be big, small, whatever. Okay. How many people have a grandfather that plays harmonica and does Donald Duck?

That's true. Hello? Probably more than we realize. Really? No. Very special. Just one or the other, probably, but not both. What about on your mother's side?

Did your grandfather on your mother's side do like Mickey Mouse or anything like that? And then when they got together and a family get together, how are you? Oh, fuck you too. No, but I wish. Okay. Yeah, my grandpa and my mom's side didn't do any impression. Okay, okay. Yeah.

Sad. I know. Well. You had one talented granddaddy. But before we go tell everyone where they can. find you, see you, do your stand-up, get your books, and all that stuff. Please, let a rip. It's all on Sarah Colonna, C-O-L-N-N-A dot com with my tour schedule, links to the books.

Do you have social media we can plug that people can find you? Yeah, Instagram, it's Sarah Colona one, the number one at the end, because some other other bitch got there first, some other Sarah Colonna. Yeah. And Facebook, same thing, well, just Sarah Colona. So, yeah, and then that's where you can keep up with everything. Yeah, good. Yeah, to get Sarah's books.

Go see her to stand up. And thanks for coming, man. Thank you. Thank you. I don't want to take fuck eyes with me if that's what you're going to ask. Well, why don't we give him one last look and see if, I mean, you're sure you don't want to. He actually kind of looks like he could be my husband and I's baby. So that's another reason.

Let's do the right thing. All right. Come on, fuck eyes. We're going home. There you go. Let's hit the theme music. she's going home with a little fuck eyes ladies and gentlemen

Sarah Colonna check her out Sarah Colona.com Sarah Colona 1 get her bucks and until next time chicken chau-mayne baby I don't think you burp a baby oh yeah you have to burp it on the

oh my god's grabbing my hair holy god fuck him it's real there he is he looks more like he belongs with you yeah he seems happy here oh fuck guys