The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #49 - KEVIN NEALON, Comedian, Actor, Author, SNL alum.

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

SNL star Kevin Nealon talks showbiz, art, SNL, and absurdity in life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

what were you the clink for or was she she was in the clink yeah she was in the clink yeah she murdered her kids oh you had kids we had nine kids wow off them all in the when i say off them all she sprayed them with off while they were sleeping and uh one day i said oh you're pests and she took that pests off deep woods off right in their mouths what a little bastards all nine of them in one night shouldn't have put them in the tent did your wife speak english Pardon me? Did your wife speak English? She did not.

No, she was Vietnamese. I see. Yeah, that was her name. How did you know? I see. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams.

Well, I like to spend the night. Oh, did you bring your sleeping back from my heart? No, no, I got my sheets. Where'd you get that soda? I said you can, oh, do you want headphones or no? We call them cans. Cants? Yeah.

What's this then? If these are cans, what's this? That is a jug. You know? No, where I come from is called a jug. Oh, really? Yeah. Where I come from this is called headphones.

Oh, that's so. It's weird how we're ass backwards already. Well, ask me where I come from. Where do you come from? Jugland. No way. Chaglandia. Jughead.

Oh, wait, I want to hit the theme. Do you like theme music, or do you get a rash? No, I love it. Okay. Yeah. Wow. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen and whoever else might be watching. I mean, I attract ladies and gentlemen.

I know you do, but do you think there's other people, other sex of society watching you and I? Probably, but I can tell you, Harlan, that I do attract ladies and gentlemen, but when they leave, they're no longer ladies and gentlemen. Oh, really? Sounds like you kind of just use them. Well, I don't know who uses who. I mean, we both use each other, and that's the way it is in life. You know, you get what you can, they get what they can. There's that word can again.

Cans, can, can, jugs, can do this. Jughead from Riverdale. What? Welcome to the Harland Highway. Kevin Nealon is here. Canadian, comedian, you're not Canadian, you wish. But, you know, people think I'm. Canadian because I'm a comedian and I'm from Connecticut and I was in S&L.

There's a lot of Canadians on that show apparently. So they assume that I'm Canadian and I'm very, very nice. Yeah, you are really nice. I mean, to drive all the way to Detroit to do this. I know. Thank you so much. From L.A. to Detroit and you did it overnight and you said you slept at the Shell Station? No, I slept in my car.

I have a self-driving car. Oh, so you slept across the whole country. Yeah. Well, a couple of states. and you know what I went to bed in um where was it oh it was in Arizona I woke up in Nebraska and what a beautiful morning it was wow so so you fell asleep in Arizona yeah the your self-driving car self-driving car I woke up in Nebraska to a beautiful sunset oh I'm telling you sunrise sunrise across the cornfields and uh there was a lot of blood on the front of my car and like cow

like hairs. So I think throughout the night I might have been hitting a few animals in the road. But still I had a good night's sleep. God, you can really sleep. Oh, I mean, I was out. I was out.

Bathing is I got up three times to go to the bathroom. Wow. So I'm a little roughed up from that. But yeah, no, it was good. Wow. Did you ever have a scenario where there was like a scarecrow

sticking out of the sunroof? Well, it's funny you should say that. Oh, God. Because I had two scarecrows in the trunk. Oh. But they were there when I left because I brought those with me. Okay.

You don't understand. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to be in a Walmart parking lot because a lot of times there's crows that, you know, they're always landing and eating French fries or, and so you don't want crows around your vehicle, so you whip out a few scarecrows. Yeah, yeah.

But the thing is the scare crows, only scare crows. Yeah. They don't scare other types of birds. Like we had some pelicans. Okay. Because we were driving along the ocean. Wow. Which is maybe not the best route to get to Detroit,

but, man, I like to take in the whole country. And so I had some scare penguins in the back as well. Oh, wow. Wow, black and white. If you want them black and white, they got all kinds of colors. But I will tell you this. Oh, here we go.

I am. Here it comes. When somebody says, I'll tell you this. Oh, here it comes. No, I just, what is it? Here's what it's even worse. Can I see you for a second? yeah yeah that's what it is you're either going to get fired or you're going to get canceled yeah who said that to you though

oh well actually the scarecrow said that to me whoa i gotta take a break we'll be right back wow yeah so anyway uh i'm here now yeah and i'm happy to be here yeah and um i love it that you're here you know why and it could be a bit dangerous because we're both scorpios you're the 18th and i'm the 14th Are you really? Yeah. I don't even go in for all that stuff. I don't really believe it. I know, but I feel like a dangerous energy in the room between us right now in the studio.

Like I feel electricity. All kidding aside, Harlan. Yeah. When you tell a woman that your Scorpio, they go, ooh, they go, ooh, they get across with their fingers. No, no, everyone does it. Everyone has an adverse reaction to Scorpions. Even Scorpions do. Yeah, they're like, ooh, you go, what's your, wait, I've got to do a girl's voice.

what's your sign? Scorpio. Ah! Yeah. Where are you going? Where are you going? It's ridiculous. Yeah.

And what I also hate is that we're scorpions, but we're a water sign. Now, Scorpio's, scorpions live in the desert, Bro Safiyosh. They do. Yeah. There's no water in the desert. So why are we a water sign? Shouldn't we be a sand sign? You know what?

It goes back. It goes back decades. It gets so mad. I know. understand but we're similar in the way that we're scorpions and this could be the good side of this podcast we're scorpios we both are writers we both do comedy we're both actors and we've both been on saturday night live whoa whoa whoa you're an actor well i try you know what you're leaving out is you're a great photographer yeah that's true i like size it up um i see the the old camera laying around

Like these cameras, I mean, these videos are amazing that you're taking. And each camera is identical. Yeah. And they're probably good Sony's. Yeah, they're great. Maybe that one's smaller unless it's further away from me. No, yeah, well, that's the Salvador Dali edition. It gives you a strange perspective.

Yeah, you've got it all covered. You got a master shot and you got singles on both of us. Yeah, the one for you, I don't know if we'll keep it, but. Yeah, I like the background, though. I like the pink sky. Yeah. It's like pink popcorn. My wife, who's a large woman, I had to get head shots done.

Do you know this photographer Ansel Adams? Yeah. He did her head shots. Wow. Yeah. That's landscape right there. What did you call my wife? Her head, is it like a landscape?

Does she have like trees on her head and stuff? She's just large. Oh, she's large. She's got the mountains, yeah. Yeah. My wife, I took some pictures of my wife. Oh, God. My new camera.

Yeah. rather have me do it than some creepy photographer because she knows I'm not trying to sleep with her you know what I mean she does she knows that so I got some good shots of that wow can we jump right into your book though I mean jump into it Kevin wrote a book and can I can I read a few words from your book sure man sure I mean I would let me show what it looks like yeah that's the book I exaggerate my brushes with fame I've drawn a lot of celebrities a lot of my friends a caricatures Yeah, caricatures. And next to it is a little anecdote, a little story about that person.

I'm just going to pick a random page and read a few words from your book. All right. From. That's one word. Countless? Yeah. Dude. Fellow.

Are you kidding me, guy? It's all good. All good words. I mean, folks, go out and get this. thing, like immediately. I agree. I agree. I agree.

I think if you read chapter 5, verse 3 by Paul, you'll see that there are some really interesting things. Oh, here's growing up. Yeah? Dude. Did you read the whole book already? I think I read enough to get the feel for it. What I'd like to do for real, though, is,

We're both writers. I want to really read something from your book. We'll pick a random page. And then what we'll do is you'll read a sentence from my book. Is that your book? This is my book. Are all the pages full of writing? Most of them, yeah.

Wow. But I want to see what happens. We take turns reading a little. I'll go first. As if it could be the same book. And we'll just see what the differences. Okay. I'm going to pull open a random page and I'll read a paragraph.

Okay, a whole paragraph. But I'll go first and then you. All right. My wife and I were staying at a resort in Hannaau Maui that Gary had stayed at about a week or so before. On our first day there, we came across a black and white border collie that strolled around the hotel grounds.

He was very friendly despite having suffered a compound fracture to his back leg, which dangled from his body. Yeah, it's true. Tell me about that guy. Well, life is the thing that maybe animals struggle to get up off the ground for seconds after they're born. It's the rumble of the storm clouds and the smell of the rain and the air before it even starts falling. If the spray from the ocean, when the waves crash, own the shore, and it's the ants that scurry all around when something split open their nest,

Sid snapped at this settle in and then continued. Life's the constant moving of the ocean, the shifting of the sands and the best of the bird's wings, the heartbreak of a baby. And I hope that explains what I meant by the leg dangling. Wow. So something from my book was able to explain what was in your book. Well, it was more of a contonation,

Contonation. What's that mean? It's a continuation, but it's pronounced contonation. Isn't that like a coffee? No, it's an old Native American organization. Contonation. Oh, yeah. But these are, this is, I didn't know you had written a book, Crave, and it's quite frightening.

Yeah, it's a, the selfie you took is amazing. Well, that's when I, some people get morning breath. I get morning body. So I know what you're doing here. You have to bring my book in so you could show your book again. When did this come out? Yeah. That came out probably like half a year ago.

That's not long ago for a book. And this picture, you look like an author on the back. You really do look like a Norman Mailer or something. Wait, have you got a picture on. You don't have a picture of you on the back. Well, open it up and turn a few pages in, in the back. In the back? Yeah.

Okay. Yellow. Yellow, how are you? wait keep going keep going take another pay up there it is oh there's my picture dude you're such a great artist thank you my friend thank you guy yeah so this book is about about your caricature drawings and your relationships with all your Hollywood friends in there yeah or my musings about the people i don't know but you know what happened and so you mentioned this is um it sort of became a memoir it did how so well because i talk about the

different people in there. I talk about first arriving in L.A. Yeah. And seeing Robin Williams and then going to the improv in one afternoon just to see the club and Bud Freeman was there and he brought me in. And then how I would, you know, go to these open mic nights and then how I got to meet Andy Kaufman and, you know, Robin Williams. Yeah. And then I got an S&L with the help of Dana Carvey. He recommended me and his pictures in there and Lorne Michael's picture. So in that respect. Yeah, yeah. It came a memoir. Wow. And I got to say, because I'm an artist, too, and caricatures are really tough for me.

Like I... You're an artist? Yeah, I draw, I write and illustrate children's books. Yeah. But you're like an photographer, and I didn't know the side of you. I thought you were just kind of like some hayseed coming in from Nebraska, Kansas. That's strong words coming from a guy with two scarecrows in his car. So, that's impressive.

I didn't know you were so talented. Well, that's why I said off the beginning. We're very similar. We're artists, we're actors, we're comedians. We've both been on SNL. Do you play an instrument? I sing. I have a band.

I sing. I can play, I can improvise, but I... What kind of music do you play? So my cousins in a band called The Bar-Naked Ladies. No. And so we grew up doing music together. They were on SNL when we were there. Yeah.

And so we have a hobby band called The Cousins. and I do all the singing and write the songs. Oh, it's original songs? Mm-hmm. And he does all the music. He composes all the music. Wow. But you have a band too.

Are you me? No, I don't have a band. Who are me? I mean, we. I don't have a band. I used to be in bands. That's what I mean. Yeah, garage bands.

Really? Yeah. I was at a garage sale once. I didn't see you. You probably saw the guitar I had for sale. Oh. The hard part is you've got to find somebody's garage where there's not cars parked in there.

Yeah. Same for podcasts. Yeah, yeah. You know? But I want to get back to this. Okay, you don't have to yell. I know, but I get animated. I get excited.

You do. Like, it's not easy. I know from being an artist, like capturing the essence of someone, like their face and like caricature drawing is not easy, man. It's not. And you are, I didn't know this about you. You are like immaculate at it.

There's, can I show you? the one of Dana. Look at Dana. Dana Carvey. Yeah, I mean, these are really, like, excellently done. What medium do you use? It's called multi-layer, I think it's called. So it's sketching, a pencil or a pen.

Yeah. And then going to tablet, computer, and then it's going to paint. Wait, how does it go from, are you painting on the tablet? you mean? No, no, I paint after the tablet. I print out the pictures and then I paint. Really? Yeah, it's pretty crazy process.

You know, I didn't start doing this until pretty much a pandemic, a little bit before the pandemic. Wait, you just found this ability? No, no, I've always done it. I've only sketched people, like, but I never, like, colored them or finish them. You know, it's just a really quick, like a three-minute kind of a sketch of somebody. And people, you know, I do it in the clubs, and I'd sketch one of the comics, and they'd see and they'd say, can I have this?

Can I have this? Can I have that, you know? because apparently they knew I would become a famous artist one day. Well, let's not push it, guy. Well, I will tell you that it's something that I love doing aside from stand-up because it's just like I had my first gallery showing. Where? Brentwood.

It's still there. It's still there. For another week or two, yeah, the Choice Contemporary on Barrington. So I had an opening there, and it was really, I felt vulnerable because here they are hanging in my very enlarged paintings, like 40 by 15. inches. Whoa. And there's like, you know, 15 of them, 18 of them in there. And people are coming in and they're looking at it and they're looking close at it. I'm thinking, don't look too close.

Do you not look too close? Why? What are you afraid of? You think they'll see a blemish or a line that's out of place? No, I use lime when I paint. Oh. And lime is very deadly if you get too close. It'll burn your eyes right out of the socket. You're the only artist, people look at your work and they get Lyme disease. Yeah, yeah. But look at, I mean, your mastery of shading and tone and color. Yeah, like it's, I'm telling you, man. Do you paint? I paint.

You do? I studied animation in college. So I'm very in tune with this. I'm not even having you on. These are really done well. I've been surrounded by incredible artists my whole life. And just these are, these are really done well, Kevin. Thank you, guy.

Yeah. Amazing. Let me show you a couple of my favorites. Okay, please. Gary Shanley, we all know him. Oh, God. Yeah. Very Shandling.

So some of these I have are my people ask me, what are your favorites? Yeah, yeah. And I have some that are my favorites because of the story that goes with it. Yeah. And here's Eddie Vedder. Oh, yeah. That's Eddie Vedder. Pearl Jam, right?

Yeah, Pearl Jam. Wow. He used to come to my shows at the improv in San Diego after he was surfing. This was before Pearl Jam. Yeah, he'd say he'd come all day. And then he'd come to my show because he was a fan. But then I found out later he actually was dating a server. that, oh, no, that you were dating.

She just happened to work at the, uh, wait, why is that, why is that bad? You seem like, oh, it's still great that he came, Freddie Mercury. Oh, God. Right. Look, see, just, the key to good caricature is knowing where to accentuate, like, the physical parts. Yeah, yeah. And you, you, like, you're a master at it, man. For a guy who says he hasn't been, like, doing it seriously his whole life.

It's some of the best I've seen. That's amazing. But thank you. I mean, it's really nice coming from you who is also an artist. Yeah. But you know, it's funny because when I did this opening, it's still at the gallery for another couple weeks. People would come in and they'd ask me a lot of questions about different technique.

And I said, are you an artist? They said, yeah, I'm an artist. So I'd like to come in. This is my favorite one. What is that? More cowbell. Oh, yeah. Christopher Walker.

That's amazing. So what would one of these sell for? Like one of your caricatures. What do they sell for? Yeah. Well, with the big ones. Oh, man, that's incredible, dude. He fetches 6,500.

Does he? Yeah. In fact, they all fetch 6,500. But they're on big canvases. You know, they're on big canvases. It's like the size of that picture behind you. Maybe a little smaller. So the original is 6,500.

Yeah. And are you making prints? I don't have prints. now, but I'm... No, I meant, did you do a caricature of prints? Oh, yeah, I do have prints. No, I'm kidding. Oh, my God, Biden.

Yeah. No, no. You're right, it is Biden. I'm sorry. Oh, you got me on that one, man. But, you know, when I was doing these, I thought some would be more popular than others. Yeah.

And some of them, people don't even really care about it. Oh, is that the girl from the King's Reich, or whatever it's called, the chess girl. It's the Queen's Gambit. Yeah. Yeah. What's her name again? Her name is Anna Taylor.

Oh, no, it's Anya. And these aren't scenarios where you have people posing. You just go off a photograph or something, right? Anya Taylor Joy. No, thanks. I'm busy. Well, I had, well, I actually had Joaquin Phoenix pose for this one. Really?

I have the costume still. No. So I had him pose for that. What, come on, guy. I kept that pose for eight hours. Wow. You ever do a nude caricature? No, but I have, what comes with a book is a nude body you could put under them

just to see what they would look like. Yeah. That's the beauty of this book. Are you, if you're doing a second edition, I'd be up for doing your first nudie. Would you? What's, is that? Oh, my God. Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston used to be a hostess at a hamburger joint around the corner from my house in New York when we were on us and out. Yeah. And I didn't know who, she was just a young, cute girl. I would go in there a lot, just to, look at her and she was always flirting with the with the waiters and then 10 years later I'm doing a sketch show out here I'm a guest on a sketch show and she's in it and I say oh my god I used to host that host this at this restaurant right she goes yeah I said I used to come in there a lot

and kind of just watch you and you know sit there and you're always flirt she goes I know you've told me this story four times oh wow was she creeped um no she wasn't well it sounds a little I'm a feeling a bit creeped she respected my values and my Oh, Tom Petty. Tom Patty. Did you ever meet him? I did. And how did that go?

It was great. You know, he was on Gary Shandling's show, the Larry Sanders show. Yeah. And so he knew Gary and Gary would have basketball games every Sunday at his house. You're a shooter. I'm a shooter. You used to play football. That's right I did.

College football. So he comes because he's friends with Gary from doing an episode. And he's not coming to play. He's coming to watch and smoke on the sideline. And he would have a cigarette lit while the first one was lit. He had them ready to go. And he crossed his legs. His legs were so flexible and thin.

It's almost like a braid. You can see he went around a couple of times. Oh, like a flamingo's legs. Yes. Yes. You know who used to do that too? Rodney Dangerfield. Did he really?

I remember sitting with him once at his house and he had like an empty pill bottle full of really thin joints. And he would let one go out. And as it was going out, he'd light the next one. And I was like, Rodney, stop. How did you know Rodney? Rodney, I did Rodney's last movie back by midnight. And he phoned me up one day out of the blue one there, you know, when the movie was finished.

He goes, hey, Holland, man, you stole the whole movie. I love you. And he started inviting me over to his house and sitting down with him. And he told me he wanted me to write Caddy Shack, three with him. Like it was really, like in the later years of his life, he just really liked me and we hung out. That's amazing.

It was pretty strange. What was his name of the movie? Back by midnight. It was his last, it was his last movie, his second last or last movie. It was, yeah,

it was really kind of sad that it was his last movie. I wish I'd worked with him. Like I worked with him doing stand-up earlier on, but. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I did a movie with him that may have been his last, It was a little Nicky. I don't know what year.

That came out, but I played Tidhead, the Gaykeeper of Hell. So these two breasts on my head that look so real, they put water balloons in them, so they were jiggling. Wow. Rodney's character wanted to have sex with my head in the movie. Wow. And everybody loved these breasts. People got in line, the crew wanted to feel them.

And a lot of times I'd be talking to them, and I would have to say to them, excuse me, my eyes are down here, okay? Yeah. You know, if you took that hat off right now, I think I'd want to have sex with them. your head right now. You can go through the hat. I can. Yeah. It's a glory hole. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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Visit BMO.com slash ViPorter to learn more. I had a glory hole lift, so it brought it up to my head. Oh, nice. Yeah. You know, not to tell you what to do, you're the artist guy, but Rodney would be a great addition to your book because of that face with his bulgy eyes, he'd almost look like Garfield the cat.

But what I want to do is, this is, I'm still learning this whole art. Dude, are you joking? There's people on airplanes. I sketch people on airplanes when they're sleeping. I'm telling you. It's one of my favorites right there. Why is that your favorite? Because I like the way it looks,

and I like the guy. looking out the window and the two women sleeping. Yeah. And there's a story there. But you have to really make one up or read a storybook next to it. I think that these are just my initial kind of caricatures. And I think I'm going to make it even more caricaturey the next time. Really exaggerate it.

So go even crazier. Go even more because, you know, I had some artist friends. They tell me what you want to do is draw a caricature to someone and then do a caricature of your caricature. And that I want to bring it out. Because these are borderline like portraits. I mean, some of them are more exaggerated than others. But what a talent you have, man. It's like, I'm quite blown away by it.

Thanks, guy. Oh, you're welcome, guy. I just want to circle back to something because you glazed over it like really fast. I said, I would be willing to be your first nude caricature if you wanted to arrange that, set that up. I would lay on a leopard skin or a seal. I could lay on the back of a truck.

Well, first of all, we didn't skim over it. I said I would like that. Yeah, but it's real fast. It was like it's almost like so fast. I almost didn't hear it. So can we talk about that? Like what's the setup? What do we do?

What do you need from me? Well, it's all about lighting. I mean, you know that. Well, I've never done a nude. And if you're going to be drawing me, what? I don't like to call it nude. I like to call it sexy, sexy naked.

Okay. Because nude seems to be a little more, you know, crass. Yeah. But isn't this about making me comfortable? I mean, I'm going to be the...

You're going to be comfortable. Believe me. We're going to drug you up a little bit so you have no nerves at all, you know, feelings. So it's on a hill? No. Why are you going to drag me off?

I said drug you up. Well, drug is the past tense of drag. All right, I'm going to tell you this once. I'm going to tell you only one time. But can I hear it again? What? Pay attention. You did it twice. Pay attention. That's three. You're not paying attention. That's four guy. No, I made it a negative. So that was a backward twist flip? That's white guy. You're good, bro. Yeah. So tell me about yourself. Well, when I was, wait, when I was seven, I was an

altar boy and I know you were an altar boy. No, I wasn't an altar boy. Well, you seem like you were an altar boy. Irish Catholic. You can tell me. I'm Irish Catholic. But you were an altar. If anyone was an altar boy, it was you guy. What was your experience as an altar boy? Well, I was sort of in a gang. I was in an altar boy gang. We had the one. Well, yeah. I was in a, I don't know why you're smiling. I was in a red and white, uh, you know, the robe. That was your colors. That was the colors. And then we'd go out, uh, right after mass, me and the seven other guys, we'd run out with the priest out of low rider behind the church at St. Timothy's, Father Perouse. And we'd put the top down and we'd head downtown and we'd do drive-bys. And not with a single shoot. I used the machine gun. Really?

And I'd be hanging out that low rider and the music would be playing. We'd have Snoop Dog going. I'm not kidding. Well, you're shooting like Holy Water? No, I'm shooting bullets. Holy Water is for losers. yeah and my crucifix is like flying in the wind and I'm just like and I'm mowing people down on the Lord's Day that's not very loud for a gun excuse me still not loud well you know it's a recreation guy oh it's a recreation yeah I'm sorry I thought I thought you're doing the drive-by right there well you know God did recreations he did take him seven days and then he had to redo it yeah you had to reload yeah but yeah I was I was in a choir boy gang, so you never, or an altar boy gang.

And you were going against the choir board gangs on the other side of town. Yeah, they were on the other side. Oh, man. What were their colors? They were navy blue with a splash of hazelnut. Yes. Kind of like what you're wearing right now, guy. Were you afraid of them?

Not really when you got a loaded machine gun and you're rolling her along at 60 MPH and a low rider with a priest at the wheel. Nothing scares you then. Not even the Vienna Boys Choir? Ah, Satan could pull down his pants and flash his red eye, and we'd still keep gone. Oh, wow. That's what he said. Wow.

Do you pray? Uh, yeah. For what? I pray for whatever I need, you know? You're more of a needy prayer. Yeah, I think prayer is good when you get into a spot, when you're feeling desolate. Like you really want something like a car or, you know, a new bed or a camera. you pray more more for soulful things like uh you know pray for for happiness for peace

for friends why not just get a book on buddhism uh i prayed for a book on buddhism once and it never showed up so um buddhs man those buddhs they don't really come through excuse me was that you yeah okay there's burp yeah oh man that was good one you're good at that um so when i was on SNL. Yeah. Well, I wasn't, I was in the studio. I was in the SNL studio once. But when you were on SNL, was there ever a character, Kev, that never got realized that

you, you in your heart went, you know, Hans and Franz and all the characters that came to life and became iconic, was there one that you developed and you were just like, I know this one will take off and they never let you or somehow it didn't get through the process? well there is a character good question guy yeah there is a character uh that i had brought there and everybody loved it the writers loved it yeah what was frank and still loves it to this day yeah i forget what the name of him was but he was based on a uh a comic writer out here okay and he used to be a stockbroker okay and he became a comic uh yeah probably and now i can't tell you his name sorry sorry no he did none of that but he was a

a very good comedy writer. Yeah, yeah. And he was a stand-up, too, but he was a better comedy writer. Okay. And his name was Barry Martyr. Oh, yeah. And he's done a lot of writing for Seinfeld. But we used to hang out at the improv, and we'd be out in the bar area.

And he'd come up to me. And he had all these little sayings like, oh, let's go shopping for swimmer. Let's go shopping for underwear. You and me. Come on, come on, come on. Don't tread on me. Don't tread on me. You know, and he would tell you a joke, like, you know,

Hitler's pretty much ruined his name for everybody. You never hear the thing. It's Hitler's for stakes. That's funny, right? You like that. You like me, right? That's funny, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

That's funny, right? It's the guy who's always kind of insecure. He lets him know that he's funny. You like me, right? I'm funny. You like me, right? Yeah. So to this day, the writers still see me in the go,

that's funny, isn't it? Yeah. Right? Why was it? Why didn't that character get through? I mean, it feels like perfect fodder for the S&L. like arena. I don't know. It might be just more of a funnier idea. Did you ever push it? Did you ever develop it? Oh, I wrote a script where I wrote a sketch. I went to read through, but it didn't

really. It didn't resonate. But it's one of those things that stays with people for a long time, even though it didn't get on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wrote a lot of sketches where I couldn't get another one on, like Mr. No Depth Perception, a guy who has no no idea of the perception how close people are, so he's really talking too loud and badly about somebody or whatever. So, yeah. I wrote like a sequel to that and it didn't get on. Why? I think there was a, somebody did. Oh, maybe there's a night at a club where they read all the pilots that never made it that got turned down.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember. I think Bob Odenkirk was doing that for a while where they'd show. They had like a screening of all the pilots that got made but never made it to air. Yeah. There's got to be trillions of them. Did you shoot a bunch? In your time, pilots that never... Yeah, one pilot that never got on.

But I had everything I shot. I mean, I was on maybe three sitcoms, and they were all highly touted, and they never went anywhere. Because too many chefs came into the kitchen. Like what were they? Well, one was, came right after I left SNL. It was called Champs.

It was the first pilot that DreamWorks produced. You know, Spielberg and Catser Burger. Yeah, yeah, catsy. Yeah, catsy. And that was with... Ed Marinero and Timothy Bussfield and me and some others. And a great, great, great cast. Delicious.

Another one I did was called Hiller and Diller. And that was with Hugh Jean Levy and Richard Lewis and me. And that didn't go? And that was all highly touted too, prime time. Wait, it was on the air? It went, yeah, it went for like eight episodes or whatever. And then they pulled it. And then most recently it was the most successful one with Matt LeBlanc called Man with a Plan.

Yeah. And that was on for four years on CBS, and then the pandemic hit, and it went away. But four years, that's a huge run. It is good. It is good, man. It's weird when that happens. I did a sitcom with Gina Davis, like years back called the Gina Davis show, where I played her sidekick. Really?

And that, oh, do you need a nap? No, no, that was lockjaw. Oh, my God. Sometimes it tries to lock, and I have to go. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm sorry, I startled you with that.

Yeah, it was like one of the biggest yawns I've ever seen in my life. Oh, no, no, no, it's not even close to it. You haven't seen me yon. Wow, it was almost like a glory hall. Oh, you haven't seen my glory hall. Well, take the hat off, guy. But, yeah, so this sitcom with Gina Davis, and it's like, it's Gina Davis. It was one of the highest rated sitcoms of that year.

Yeah, this is real. And they canceled it. everyone was like second season and it's weird you like you can't understand why they get rid of stuff you've been in some really fun movies though yeah guessing which ones were you on tell me because i know i've seen you in some well i don't know if that's for you i don't i don't know if my movies are for you guys what just give me a descriptive tell me the title of one i'll let you know if i saw it was you weren't in deliverance right deliverance i was smoking the ban if that's what i'm thinking

well that too Deliverance Yeah I was in Smokey in the Bandit And then Deliverance I was one of my First movie I was a kid with the banjo

I was a kid I was Wow lockjaw Yeah You know you get Lockjaw right Yeah Like from a rusty

Did you Oh man I cut myself A rusty can tops all the time Because I collect rusty can tops You do I do I have like

I have like 753 last count. And they're getting rustier and rustier. I leave them outside. Where do you get them, guys? Oh, you know where you get them off of cans? Oh, wow.

There's that word again. Sometimes I'll go to the supermarket and I'll buy a can just to take the top off. And then I'll go back home and put it out there, let it rust. Do you ever go to the supermarket and just take your top off? I'm telling you what. People love that. They are at a solute. Speaking of supermarkets, and everyone knows this,

you're a major, major, close the book, you're not, no. No, you're not. Oh, I don't know how to lock, jaw, something else, man. You're not getting away from this. Everyone knows that you're a major vegetarian. Go. Go.

Come on. You mean leave? No, just, let's hear it, guy. Well, first of all, you're wrong about that. I thought you're a vegetarian. No, not everybody knows. No, I'm not a vegetarian. I was one for maybe 38 years.

I don't say one, but that's the way my diet was. I wouldn't eat meat or poultry or fish or fish. But since then, I've become a pescatarian in the last 16 years. Oh, so you're Polish? No, pescatarian. Isn't that Polish? Let me check with the judges. Polish?

Pescatarian? No, no, nothing. Nothing is not Polish. Well, it sounds Polish to me. Pescatarian? No, not even close. Wait, what knocked your sweet ass out of, vegetarian land.

Harlan, good question. Yeah. Very, very good question. Yeah, I know. Well, let me explain that to you. Affirm that to me. I met my wife and she, oh, she was made of me? No, she got pregnant.

Not by me, not by me. And during her pregnancy, she was also a vegetarian. Here we go. Because I didn't convince her to you, but she saw the way I was eating. Oh, God. She loved that. So she became a pascatarian. She's from Nashville.

You know, she became a vegetarian. Oh, wow. Okay. So we're both vegetarians for a while. And then she gets pregnant. Okay. And she's craving fish, salmon specifically. She says, I would want to just swim in the ocean with my mouth open and just catch fish.

So she had a real craving for it. So she started eating salmon. And that was the last thing I ate before I became a vegetarian. And in my head, I'm like longing for it. So I started salmon too. And so we both became pescatarians. And after 38 years, and be honest for once, after 30 years. years of grazing in the front yard, eating leaves.

I mean, did you? I would hate to have been in school with you because we would have been getting in trouble all the time. And you would have been the instigator. Am I right? Yeah, absolutely. But be honest, guy. I'm always honest.

I don't have to be honest. I know. You've got an honest face. It is so honest, man. I will tell you, flat out, I got nothing to hide. I know. You've got the most honest face when you lie. now when you went from 38 years of eating lettuce and cabbage no lettuce no lettuce well it's

no rhubarb it's my podcast all right lettuce lettuce lettuce lettuce and rhubarb um when you had that first samad you have narcolepsy oh my god are you what time is it are you okay what time is it you're not you're nodding and yawning i got a Walmart sleeping bag I'm hiding my smile me behind the mic so you can't see yeah yeah I see yeah That's what I'm saying. We go to school together. You are a wild. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go. After 38 years of vegetarianism, you eat that first piece of meat or salmon, as you call it, or salmon. Do you puke? Because you haven't had the meat in your system. It's your first time. What happened? Go.

I do you'd say that. Dude, no, I lay back and I have a big smile on my face and I'm rubble in my belly. But no, the human body. No, no, no. I had it before I was a vegetarian. Yeah, but the body had already accepted it and processed it. I still had salmon in my stool by the time I started eating it again. After 30 years.

Yeah. What are you, a grizzly bear? God. I just don't really, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't. don't vacate my bowels that much. And can we not call poo stool? Mine is a stool. You can sit on it.

That's how big it is. Yeah, yeah. So you've got like a home log cabin stool. You could say that. Have you ever featured your furniture at IKEA? My, I furniture there now. Your stool? You got to put it together down there, though.

Let's recap. Okay, I don't have a cap, but you do. The book? Yeah. lighting, cameras, art, right? Yeah. What else? Reading each other's books.

I'd like to, can I read another little passage from your book? Wait, where's my glasses? Here they are. Let me get you one. Oh, you're going to pick one. Okay. I'm going to pick one so you could read it. Well, the other one was real.

You just got to start from a beginning sometimes. Okay. This is Chris Farley. Oh, wow. Okay. And this is to what everyone's appetite. Where can they get this book, by the way? get this book oh this is yours you just wrote one for yourself yeah just the one oh i get it so i should

read the whole thing but if there are the copies out there they can get them wherever fantastic books are sold you've got your barns and nobles you got your amazon it's also an audible book by the way i know you're gonna laugh at that but it is audible i thought you were a vegetarian finish let me finish okay and they could find the pictures on the pds or pfds oh see you and the audible yeah you said it But I am a vegetarian. I'm not a... Well, you just said you're an audible. Lorne Michael scouted Chris Farley when he was a member of the famed Second City.

I'm trying to read. No, I'm just enjoying it. Well, it's mumbling and it's interfering. No, no, I'm just agreeing. Oh, okay. Go ahead. Lorne Michael scouted Chris. This isn't...

Now you're making it sound sexual. Oh, okay. Well, it just sounded like you were doing dirty talk. I know, no, I was just enjoying it. Lauren Michael scouted Chris Farley when he was a member of the famed second city improv troupe in Chicago. Oh, yeah. He did. He did.

Chris and I worked on Saturday Night Live for five years where I saw his talent as truly gifted comedian. Wow. He was the only person who came close to getting me to break character during my nine years on S&L. all right can i everyone in the world and i'm not knocking farley but why does everyone in every interview go oh chris farley's the funniest guy that ever lived and he's every why is that i mean i thought he was funny but he everyone has just this huge reaction to the guy am i the only one that you are actually the only one what is what is it it's called jealousy no no i understand what you're saying Like everyone, every guy from S&L, Sandler, everyone, everywhere you go is, oh, Farley, Farley.

Well, he was unique. He was a character. He wanted to be like Belushi, John Belushi. And he turned out that he was. He got into drugs and he, you know, he died at the same age, 33. But was he that mega monolithic or are you just writing a narrative? I will tell you what he was. He was Chris, he was the Chris Farley, we all knew.

He was big, you know, he was just, he was just, he was just with. willing to do anything for a laugh and people kind of like that person who is like almost embarrassing that'll do anything. Here's a guy that people love. Norm McDonald. Oh, yeah. Norm McDonald. Norm.

Norm was Canadian. Well, Norm was one of my best friends. Was he really? Yeah. Are you serious? I'm going to rip out this page for you and give it to you. I was actually going to ask you about Norm. Okay.

Well, now you're asking me about him. Yeah. Tell me. Tell me. Norm had no college education or high school. school education. Did you know that? I don't know if I believe that. I don't know if that's true. Well, you better to say if you're believing and non-believing for the further story here. He was book smart. He read tons of books. How long did you know him?

I mean, I knew Norm since I was 25. And you're 49 now? You don't need to know that because I know you're probably going to do an online search. So you can fact-check all this, from what IF was told, yeah, but he's book smart, and he could talk about any kind of topic. Also, very unreliable, as you may know. Yeah. You couldn't depend on him for anything. You could depend on him for laughter.

Not always. Not always. Not always. Because sometimes his attempt at a joke was offensive and undermining. He was very, he was very, what do they call? When you're argumentative. Combative?

Yeah, combative. He was combative with you? No, with you. You know, me and Norm, people don't know this, but when me and Norm started together, doing comedy in Toronto. You guys were a duo? Well, we broke up and then we, no,

we weren't a duo, but we started in the same club. Club, yeah. Club, a seal. Is it the castle? It was a place in Toronto. and Norm in the early years, not a lot of people knew this had had stomach cancer. And so me and him were best buddies in those early years.

And we used to, we used to. Are you laughing at the cancer part or? I'm laughing. Maybe. It was the funny kind. Yeah, the funny stomach. But I remember. He had belly cancer.

He had belly cancer. And Norm, you know, this is a serious thing. We shouldn't even joke about this. No, you have to because that's what Norm would want. Oh, yeah, man. But Norm, when we were up there, he used to tell me, goes, I want to be on Saturday Night Live one day. And me and him, and I found an old church and rented the basement,

and we would go in there. Me and Norm would go down in this room by ourselves and do sketches together. And we even made signs. We did this one sketch where we were sports broadcasters, calling the color to baseball games. And so I painted a big mural of the Major League Baseball thing. And we'd sit at this thing. You'd be, okay, over to you, Norm. And we'd do these sketches, but to nobody.

I had no idea that you were buddies with them like that. Oh, we were very close. Can we just go back a little bit now? We knew he, you knew him well. Yeah. He had cancer for nine years, kept quiet. Do you think that was something from the first? stomach cancer earlier?

I don't know what the later version of his cancer was because the stomach cancer was cured. He got through it, but the cancer that came back later in life, I don't know what it was. He might have had a couple of different kinds. Yeah, but it was so funny because he, we would be down there doing these skits. We weren't recording them. We weren't, we just did them and he would always say, goes, I want to be on Saturday night live one day. And I was such a big, you mentioned in your book, I was such a big Second City fan.

Second City was more of my wheelhouse. But just when I think back and then one day Norm was on Saturday Night Live and it was just so cool to be there at the beginning of that dream that he had. We were just doing these skits. We'd be down there for hours like just two guys in a room to nobody. And we were just committed. Well, that was the thing about Norm. He just, he wasn't an actor.

He even said it. He says, I don't act. I'm not a good actor. You know what made me mad about Norm is he was an actor. If you look at him in the Larry Flint movie, he has a very small scene where he was required to be very dramatic

and very serious and be a really solid actor. And he freaking nailed it. He's only in the movie for about two minutes, but I watched him do that and I go, Norm, that's it. He had this sort of Paul Newman-esque kind of intensity. And I thought,

Norm's shtick was the anti-actor. So whenever he wasn't kind of forced to be serious, he would kind of, hey, I'm acting, you know, you'd be that guy. But I think he had it within him to be a really good actor. And to be honest, because I knew him so well, I think he was a bit afraid of that, to tap into that. Yeah. But what you probably also know, that he liked to gamble.

Oh, yeah, man. And we all learned not to loan him money. Yeah. And John Lovitz told me once he went to Vegas with him. Mm-hmm. And he has to borrow $500. Yeah. So he gives him $500.

Norm goes off into the casino the next morning. Love it's asking him, hey, Norm, you got my $500? Yeah. And he goes, hey, you get it. Yeah, Joe, good Lord. And the next day, next morning, same thing. Norm, you got my $500? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to get them, you know, good Lord. You know, then the next day. Norm, and that went out for a couple of days. And finally, the last day, John goes, Norm, when you borrow money from somebody, you've got to pay them back. Yeah. You know, it's so disrespectful not to pay. back and Norm goes, what do you complain about? You only lost $500. I lost $5,000. That's his way of

rationalizing and thinking. Oh, I went to Norr, I went to Vegas. The first time he ever went to Vegas, me and Norm went to Vegas. And I'll remember, I was like out fascinated with everything and running around. The lights and the shiny stuff. Sparkly things and onion rings. And Norm sat down at the, the, um, poker table at like 11 in the morning. And I remember walking past that poker table probably five or six times until like two in the morning. And Norm was sitting there the whole time. And each time I was just sagging a little more, like not because he was losing,

but just he was exhausted. He just sat there. He never wanted to stop. We'd play tennis every day. And he wasn't the best tennis player. and I would beat them 99% of the time. And as soon as we finish a game, we'd be in the middle of the day, boiling hot here in L.A.,

oh, let's play again, man. And I go, you sure? He goes, yeah, let's go. So we'd play again. I'd beat him again. Oh, let's go. And then when he was up in Canada, just after his stomach cancer was going through it,

we'd go bowling almost every day. Wow, you guys were tight. Yeah, and Norm wanted to. to play. He was very competitive. He wanted to play. Let's play a dollar if you get a strike and 50 cents for a spare. And again, I was getting a strike or a spare almost every role. And I would always, he probably beat me twice of bowling. Every time, let's play again. Like he just, he couldn't stop. And I was like, okay. He just, but very annoying to golf with too. Was he? I never golfed with him. He was competitive. He wanted to bet on each hole.

And then also he has the memory. He can remember, he knows the entire golf rule book. Oh, wow, yeah. And if your ball is near the fence and you want to kick it out, and hey, can't do that, it'll cause you a stroke, you know. And it's like, geez, I hate golf with this guy. Yeah, especially if you're going to have a stroke. But he is very competitive.

Oh, super competitive. I almost knocked his lights out. We were playing street hockey once. And this is when we were best buddies at the time. and we were in the corner going for a ball. And he just hammered me with this hockey stick right across my shins. And I just, I froze. I went, what the, and I almost just, I almost knocked his lights out.

And then I just went, wait, he's my buddy. He's just coming out of cancer. And I stopped myself. I almost flatten the guy. What was the reason you stopped? I almost did it, man. I got, I yelled at him. So I go, what did he say?

He was just so competitive. He was so, he was like, Norm, what the fuck? Like, I really lit him up. Yeah. And he was just, anyways, he was, but funny is all hell. Can I see his picture again? Can you show me? Yeah, you want to see it?

Yeah, yeah. I didn't get a real good look at it, but RIP. I don't know if I still have it in here. Let me take a look. Oh, my God, ants? Yeah, let me see. No, are there any drawings of your ants in there? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Now, what I show is sometimes they show the evolution. Oh, yeah, yeah. So this was that. You know, here's Norm, like the early sketches of him. Oh, yeah, wow. And then I go to the next one, and then you turn the page and you see the next one. Yeah, amazing.

Oh, I'm glad you include that. Some of them I do that for it. Yeah, to show the process. Because I always thought Norm was a work in progress. Yeah. Good Lord. Yeah. Good Lord.

What a character. Yeah, R-I-P Norm. Holy smokes. Did you, was he on SNL when you were on? Was that after? No, he was on, I think the last four years I was there. So did he, I think it was you doing the weekend update. And then it was him?

Then it was him. Oh, okay. Was there any kind of weird thing that you were handing it off to him or he was taking over? He was taking over. I got pushed out of weekend update because Olmeyer, the head of NBC didn't like me. And eventually he didn't like Norm. I got rid of him too. Yeah, you fired him right for all the OJ Joe.

Yeah, but that's the thing with SNL. You will ultimately get fired on that show. Yeah. Because they take everything you have, all the ideas, squeeze it out of you, and then bring a new talent, every real talent. Do you feel used?

No, I had a great time on there, nine years. And, you know, when I realized it was time for me to leave, I would be going out to do a sketch with food still in my mouth from a craft service table. I was doing a sketch with, you know, picking the food around. That's how relaxed I was. When you say relaxed, you almost mean a bit like sort of over it, too. Yeah, over it.

I had friends in my dressing room. They were like a party. It's crammed in a little dressing room. Yeah. And the TV's there. Usually you're watching SNL. They're watching something else. And they had a blender.

They were making margaritas. And I could almost hear them from the studio. Wow. So I thought, you know what? You know, aside from being kind of pushed out, I thought I'm going to. And I went to do a sitcom. that champs thing, the Spielberg thing. Also a great chicken wing place down on Melrose, Champs.

Oh, it's really good. Yeah, I mean, if you eat chicken wings. If you're not doing the sitcom anymore, maybe you could waitress down there since you're kind of in the zone. I mean, Anniston's there now. You've had this robust career because a lot of people have those peaks and valleys. Yeah. But Kevin Neeland, you've kind of cruised like consistently.

From S&L to sitcoms to movies, like you've had a very successful and even keeled kind of push through Hollywood, which is tough. It's rare. Is there a philosophy that you can share or tell us about that that's behind the way you approach it or your success

or is it just random? Go. Hold on. Go. Can you give me a count in? Three, two, one. Go. Well, it's not random.

Some of it is random, because you don't you can't really control what goes on in Hollywood in this business right um you have to really sometimes uh expect the worst but take i'm not negative but i'm always kind of trying to manifest things but you know you work in this town a lot of it's luck a lot of it's luck a lot of it is also um opportunity but those are external forces is there a through line within you that kind of, when you get out of bed or when you look at a, you go, this is what Kevin does.

This is what I need to do to persevere. I mean, subconsciously, I'm always thinking about that. When I'm looking in the mirror, I'm thinking this is, I know what I'm doing here. This is a, but what I do sometimes

considers, and I try this to do my own projects and not wait for somebody else to come with their project. Yeah. And that's what Steve Martin said, too. He goes, he auditioned once. And he said after that,

I knew I'd have to write my own stuff. Really? Yeah. So I'm trying to follow that. But I've written a lot of stuff and it just didn't get made. If you write a script, that's hard. But then it's just as hard to try to sell it and get it distributed. And then you can say, and then you get them sold and then it never goes anywhere.

It's like we were saying it's so frustrating. It's really difficult. Yeah. And when people complain, they come here and they think, why am we not getting anything? Why are I? And it's, you know, it's why a lot of people aren't getting anything. Yeah. It's not that you're not talented.

It's like, look at all the talented musicians that are out there. Yeah. And they're, you know, they're playing in a pub somewhere. You know, they should be like Billy Joel or something. But, like when I first came out here, I went to Paramount. I was 26. Wow. And I auditioned for this part.

And I was really green. Casting couch? Almost. I was hoping, but no. Five callbacks. Wow. And the producers looked at each other, and they said, you know what, we're not getting any closer than this.

And I waited a week, didn't hear back, two weeks didn't hear back. Finally, they said they're looking at older actors for the park. And it was for Ted Danson, Cheers. Wow. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's brutal. So I didn't get that, but I got Saturday Night Live, so I can't complain. Wow.

I was in a car once with my first manager when I came to this town. We were driving around. It was my first time out with them. I'd come from Canada. I had this manager, and this was pre-cell phones. but he was one of these guys that had a phone in his car. Remember, some cars used to be rigged with phones. He flipped up, the big phone.

And then they put the little headset on. So my first outing with this manager, I'm excited, I'm starry-eyed, here I am in Hollywood. I'm driving around. He's like showing me around Hollywood. A phone call comes in. It's an executive from NBC, he puts it on speakerphone. He goes, yeah, we're looking for a bright up-and-coming comedian, someone that nobody knows to be the lead in a sitcom, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Do you have anyone? And I was just sitting there going, say my name. And he goes, no, I don't have anyone. And I was just like, I was like, what the? To this day, I can't figure it out. And I left the guy like two months later. And he couldn't figure out why. It was the most bizarre.

You never told him. I never told him. I might have when we talked. I can't remember because it was like right when I got here. but that's the frustration of Hollywood. It's like nothing seems to make sense. And when you say it's a lot of luck, sometimes it is all just that weird.

I thought you're going to say that you found out it was something he prearranged with this guy to show that he was important. Maybe it was. But it actually was. I saw the show come to fruition. It actually was on NBC. It was like about a guy.

And remember Alf was that alien? This one was about a guy who had a dragon. And it was like, but the fact that I was like, right there. This was his chance to go, I'm your guy, kid. And he went completely the other way. And I was like so frustrated. When, oh, did you just try to anticipate what you're going to say. When you wish upon a star makes no difference who you are.

Why aren't you married anymore? Well, go. Oh, that's exactly what happened. Did you not like marriage? Marriage just wasn't kind to me. It didn't work out. How long had you known this woman before you were married? It was super quick. It was super like, pretty much almost.

Vegas? No, it wasn't the same day, but it was, it was in the vast scheme of life, the tapestry that goes from beginning to that was really quick. And by the way, you know I never talk about my marriage. I didn't know that. But the fact that you even got that out of me is fascinating to me. Was she an actress? I don't know what you're talking about. Your wife?

Your eggs? You got that much out of me and that's all you're going to get. But the fact you got that. Why don't you talk about it? It's very painful. It's hurtful. Does she leave you? Won't go there.

She didn't go there? I won't develop, I won't delve into the details. I don't want the details. I want the broad brushstrokes. The broad brushstrokes that actually are. What time of the day did she leave you? It's just too... This is not about you, but did she remarry?

No, this is about you. Yeah, right. I was trying to understand women. Yeah, yeah. So did she leave you for another guy? That's why you're like a little hurt. No, there's no... The dead end sign just came off.

Oh, we did. You can prod and you can poke, but I can't give you any more info. So you saw the dead end sign with her. It's just too personal. Just tell me your wife's ex-name. Carol Burnett. Is it Carol Burnett? Yeah.

but not the Carol. The Carol, but I never should have married an older woman. What did she do when she pulled on her ear? Coke. Oh, is Coke? Yeah, she did Coke with her ears. I'm so glad we had this time together. Yeah, unreal.

Unbelievable. Have you been in a relationship since your wife? That's not about your marriage. No, I went out with Charday, you know, the singer. Yeah. Coast to Coast, LA, too. Oh, yeah. And the real attraction was, I don't know if you've ever seen,

she pulls her hair back, the biggest forehead I've ever seen. And what I used to love to do is come home after work. And you ever do a tequila shot? Oh, yeah. So I'd squeeze lime on her forehead and put salt and suck on her forehead while we watched football. Is that true? Is that true?

Is that true? Is that true? I went out with Enya for a while. No way. I have an Audi. Oh, you know, yeah. You went out with your belly button? How long have you had the Audi?

I love that car. Oh, they're great. I'd like to ram it into your sisters. Now, Enya, I barely know you. So, did you try counseling before you split up? You know, I did, but the kids, the Boy Scouts didn't like my ghost stories. But what about your ex? You went for therapy, right?

You want to try to save it? Well, I can't even go there. Oh, not even for that? No, I mean, I can keep asking. He'll probably stumble on some, I'll answer. I really don't care about your ex-wave, but I know you don't either. I know, I know, but I'd love to tell you about her, but it's all about hitting the right question. Well, here's a question then for you.

Okay, here we go. After she left, you were happy or sad? One can never be happy when something you pour so much hope into comes to an end. I agree, I agree. You can be, you can be, you can be relieved that. the part that wasn't working and causing you both pain has dissipated and slowly drifted away, but you can never be happy when you look in someone's eyes and say, I want to spend my life with you, and it doesn't end up that way.

It's crushing. And hilarious. That's true. Yeah. On that note, I will say that one of the big. One of the big painful feelings is when you're with somebody for, let's say, even a year, it's not just a year. You've lived your whole life with them because you're planning,

you're anticipating the future, and you see yourselves in your 80s and all the things you're going to do. So you've kind of lived through that in your heart and in your mind. And then when all of a sudden the rug is pulled out from under you after a year, you go, what? And that's why you don't marry a genie. Oh, was she a genie? Well, she, yeah, pulled the rug right out from under her. Huh.

Was she in the bottle, or were you guys around the bottle? She was a drinker. Was she a drinker? Yeah. Bad genie. Oh, is that one of the bottle. Yeah, she pulled the rug out. Well, I don't want to pry anymore. No, this is a great podcast.

You were very provocative. I came here not thinking you'd be able to get this stuff out of me. Was she a large woman? Well, I told you. Plus size? Ansel Adams did her head shots. but I know her head was big with the rest of the body yeah I mean she had a muffin top on her forehead

I love that that's the best part of the muffin for me well what's great is you know a night before we go to bed I'd lift that Sharpay flap and look into her all you can eat buffet eyes and lick the cinnamon off her folds yeah it's like sleeping with a cinnabund franchise when I worked on SNL for a weekend update oh you're on SNL? okay not that one okay it's a different one so no s it's e s no oh okay okay yes no yeah um i was doing week and update and i got a death

threat from somebody this is before a computer so it was a handwritten in an envelope oh wow the guy said how you ever became so unfunny i don't know but i'm going to put a bullet in your big fat mick head so for the rest of the week i'm so paranoid i'm asking everybody do you think i have a fat head think my head is fat it turns out it was yeah you have a huge Huge head. Can you fit into those clothes that say one size fits all? Yeah. And how do you get that on all everybody on all the people?

Well, you just, do you ever hear of mayonnaise? Yeah. Just line the inside and. Of everybody. You're in. Yeah. As writers and as a former vegetarian, oh, you're, I can't see you. Wait.

Hold on. Okay, there you go. Yeah. Do you mind if I talk to you with my eye? I'd love to hear your eye talk. Hi. How are you? What?

We could run a string from those cans into another guy. To your eye. I want to, because you're a writer, and I'm a writer. We both have books. Do you have a cinnamon journal? I keep a cinnamon journal where I put down little thoughts, and I'd love to read you from my cinnamon journal. I mean, you're a...

Why do you call it? Cinnamon. Well, look at it. The color. Yeah. Mother brown. Just, and I, it's very, but this is kind of, you know, goes to your years as a vegetarian. And I, you know, you inspired me to write a little. Did you type it on there? Yeah, I type, I type in pencil.

Let me see it. Let me see the, what you? Yeah, I type, I type in pencil. It's like an ancient calligraphic art form. I studied in Japan for four years to type in pencil. That's interesting. So you actually print it out and then paste it into that. Yeah, and I text in diarrhea.

I hope you like this. I wrote this for you. I do like it. Well, you haven't heard it yet. No, I like the whole idea of it, though. From my cinnamon journal? Yeah. All right, this is because you were a vegetarian.

Yeah. And I applaud that. And this is something I wrote, I thought you might like it. Parsnips and... Love it. I love it already. Oh, well. I love it.

You could put it away. I loved it. Well, I'd like you to take it all so you could take it with you. Maybe whisper it in your wife's ear when you're making love. Parsnips and parsley, green garnish fancy, brussels sprout dancy, cauliflower romancy. I twirl in the cabbage like a coleslaw whore. I suck rotten lima beans through a school bus door. Hold me sweet turnip.

sniff my side burns rub hazelnut oil on a puppy skip to merrill streep's house and fart on her couch twinkle twinkle fun stuff you wait you tell me you wrote this i can't believe that can i finish please please god you're rude Twinkle, twinkle, fun stuff, raspberry fudge. My legs have silver braces, but so does your sister's eyes. Let me just take that in for that. Yeah, that's really beautiful. Yeah, you're welcome, by the way. Did you write those to your ex-wife and like every night?

Oh, did you want to talk about my marriage and stuff? Oh, I don't know. I love to. I'm very open about it. What do you got? How many years were you married? Holy counting the jail time? Yeah. Twelve? Twelve years? Yeah.

Kids? Well, you said counting the jail time. So one outside of the clink and 11 in. Okay. What were you in the clink for? Or was she? She was in the clink. Yeah.

She was in the clink. Yeah, she murdered her kids. Oh, you had kids? We had nine kids. Wow. Offed them all. And when I say offed them all, she sprayed them with off while they were sleeping. And one day I said, oh, you're pests.

And she took that pests off, deepwoods off, right in their mouths. What a little bastards. All nine of them in one night. Shouldn't have put them in the tent. Did your wife speak English? Pardon me? Did your wife speak English? She did not.

No, she was Vietnamese. I see. Yeah, that was her name. How did you know? I see. What year was this? This was in the 60s? This was 2023 we're in?

During the end of the war? Oh, I thought you meant what? What year was this, that this podcast... No, no, I was asking how old your wife was. Well, I like older women. Let's just say, you know, one of the surprises, they said women can't have children over 85. And when she popped out those nine little runts,

and, you know, we were one of those progressive couples. We made placenta milkshakes. Oh, nice. Did you eat the placenta when you had kids? We made placenta jerky out of it. Oh, jerky, yeah. That's the best. We made hazelnut.

jerky nut squares too for Christmas. One of the kids was a Christmas baby. We also had umbilical twisters. Oh, those are so fun. Oh, they were great. New Year's Eve. They were the best. The breast?

The breast. You have kids? How many? Let's see. I have one. One child. He's an only child. You're looking to off them?

Well. we already have to be honest with you i don't want to talk about this much like your ex-wife i like to talk about it all right well this brings us to the last segment of the podcast guy are you you're fading i can see no not at all what not at all do you have narcolepsy no no wait narcolepsy's people who make love to dead things isn't it yeah then they fall asleep while they're doing that. This segment, my friend,

and you're going to love this because you love footwear, words from a wooden shoe, what we do is you reach in there. This is an authentic Dutch clog. There's words in there. Don't look, pull one out and see if there's a story from your life or something that happened that you can share with all our viewers,

hundreds of thousands of viewers. What's your word, guy? My word is dreams. Oh, okay. Okay. Anything you can share with us? Sometimes I think dreams are another world that we live in. Okay. And this might be a more authentic dream that we're having right now or more vivid.

Okay. But I think since we spend most of our, half of our lives almost sleeping, right? Yeah, isn't that weird? I only sleep like six hours a night, though. Koala boy. Yeah. But I just love, I love dream. And sometimes I'll have a dream and I'll wake up and I want to get a,

back into the dream again. I've had that. You have? Yeah. And so, you know, that's very difficult, but it does happen sometimes. Yeah. Wait, you've been able to dream. Reenter the dream? Reenter the dream. But it's never the same. No, it's not different characters. It's sort of, you can sometimes reenter the same realm, but then the people change or thing. Yeah. Now, let's talk about recurring dreams. Yeah. I do have one. What is it? So I've had this one for years, decades, where I dream, that I can walk, and then it progressively, the strides get longer and longer, and I can fly. I have it every few months. Well, you know, it's interesting that you said fly.

Yeah. I don't know what it means, but because my recurring dream is I'm flying in an airplane, an airliner. Oh, boy. We take off, and we're flying through city streets, and I'm worried that our wings are going to hit the buildings. Okay. And there's wires and everything, and we're flying. and that's just the way the guy does it. And then he lands the same way.

He goes through the buildings and he lands on a road like on a hill. So it goes down gradually and there's cars and everything. I've had that a lot. Is that for real? Yeah, because I fly a lot. And it was probably on my mind. But that is real. Wow.

I've had that dream several times. But mine's like constantly. And sometimes it's like I'll jump up or fly really high, but I never know how to land or I never see. myself landing it's weird when was the last time you had a wet dream uh probably last night because i sleep in a water bed is that true yeah and that makes you ejaculate oh no i just mean it's wet oh i sleep is it wet if you're not touching it uh the bed the water well it's it's not wet if you're you're if you're you can't get wet if you're not touching it so it's you're not wet okay

The water, can the water be wet if you're not touching it? What do you mean a wet dream? Can you define that for me? Maybe I'm not following. Ejaculation while you're sleeping. Without the help of anybody else, except a person in your dream. Maybe when I was a kid. That's it?

Yeah. What about you, guy? I'm having one right now. Hmm. No, it's been a while for me. You seem sad. I am kind of sad. Have you thought about getting a dream catcher so you don't mess up the sheets?

Have you ever, when was the last time you went to a strip club? Oh, God. Can't even remember it. Really? I don't like them. You know, the last time I went, I was in Canada, actually, in Toronto. Oh, here we go. I was probably 26, I was still in comedy. And all I remember is right in the front row by the table was Bill Hicks,

and he was smoking a cigarette. and just drunk and just looking at the girls. Yeah. That was my last time. That's funny. He was looking at the girls and you were looking at him, a guy. What does that tell you? A little hiccup in my life.

Maybe you'll want guys? No, that's not it, but maybe I like to look at the woman from the side of my eye. Are you all right? You awake? Huh? Are you awake? Sorry, what? Oh, I think we better end this.

Let's end it up, man. Let's wrap it up. I mean, do you need some cinnamon fairy to, like, help you? Ooh. I like that. Kev, what a treat having you here, buddy. You know, a lot of people told me not to have you on the show. Really? Keep you away.

You know how much I like you and your stand-up in your sense of humor and your... And likewise. Yeah. I think that's weird because today I found out I was you and I think you found out you're me. So even though that's very non-sequitur, and it doesn't... mean much to me. I still like you as a person, and I like how unique you are and how balzy you are and how you're able to weather all the disappointment that you spread.

If you know what I'm saying. I don't, but I'm going to... But it's a good. It's a compliment. It is? Yeah, it's a compliment. Finally. Thank you. Anyway, I just wanted to say that. That's the only reason I came here.

Just to tell you, if I didn't like you, I wouldn't have come all the way up here. I don't like you saying those words after talking about the wet dream stuff. You said, I wouldn't have come up here. Oh, you see using the word resemblance there? Well, just it's a little fresh. Yeah. Do you want me to set an alarm or something? Really like, it's like.

No, I'm just relaxed. I mean, you make me feel so relaxed. I know, but I look at you and all I see is droopy dog. It's like, hey, you know, you're feeling. Do you know that sometimes I'll close my eyes when my wife is talking to me? I've heard. Because my eyes are tired. I want to close them.

Yeah. And she hates that. She goes, can you please open your eyes when I'm talking to you? I said, you know what? It doesn't mean I'm not listening to you. They're closed. Like a musician closes his eyes when he's trying to listen to a song. I'm trying to listen really intently to what you're saying.

Would you please stop snoring? No, I'm not, I'm snoring because that's what musicians do. They snore. That can only go so far. And then she says, but do you have to do it while you're driving? Ladies and gentlemen, can you plug the book? Plug your comedy date, everything. This is called I exaggerate my brushes with fame.

It's a book of caricatures, of celebrity characters that I've painted, and it's accompanied by little anecdotes of how I know these people. And if I don't know them, like at Freddie Mercury, I'll just muse about me in my first concert. So it's called I Exaggerate My Brushes with Fame. It's available wherever fine books are sold. You can check out my tour dates by going to Kevin Nealon.com. And do you have Insta? Do you have Twitter?

I, all that stuff. Kevin Nealyn.com. Instagram is Kevin underscore Neelan. TikTok. I even got TikTok. Oh, you are a partier, bro. And what, Tickknock, I mean, I watch. I call it a TikTok.

Dude, I want to give one more endorsement because I'm an artist. I draw, I paint, and I'm telling you me, I wasn't joking around, man. This is mad skills. Like, you really can do this. It's beautiful. I'm not even joking. It's incredible. Get his book.

Can they get it on Amazon too? Yeah. Amazon, check out the book. Great stories, incredible artwork. Try to go to a little mom and depop a bookstore. Yeah. Support the community. I'm going to leave this with you.

You are? Yeah. For how long? About a week and then I want you to bring it back to me. Okay. And it better be red. I'm going to sign it for you. What if I paint it blue?

That's fine. Okay, but you said you wanted it right here. You're going to sign it? Do you have a sharpie? Why don't you just make it? a circle. Like a crop circle? I need something to make the circle out of.

Well, we started with Cannes. Why don't we? How many people do you think are listening to this right now that started at the beginning? I think my mom and dad. Mom, that's how Canadians say it, my mom. Well, I've tried to like, you know what I got to do? I've got to hit the theme music.

Oh, yeah, let's do that. Then we'll know it's over. Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Neeland on the Harlot Highway podcast, can you come back again tomorrow? Yeah, I'm not leaving. I'm staying here. Oh, yeah, you got the Walmart sleeping bag. Yes, sir. Here he is. Thank you for being here, buddy.

Thank you, Harold. This is great. God bless you, Obi-1, Kenobi. Go. Take the headphones off, please. Please are mine. Go. I said it early in the show and he didn't get it.

I said go and he missed the cue.