The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #51 - HARLAND solo episode, Comedian, Actor, Writer, Podcaster.

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

Harland talks about his new Gwyneth Paltrow, triple XXX candle. Airport disabilities, and also solves the mystery of the JFK assassination. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm not an idiot. I know you're sitting here looking at me and going, boy, that guy's an idiot. That guy looks like he plays banjo in the bathtub. That guy looks like he'd stop a school bus with his face. You're sitting there being judging. You're going, that's the type of guy that puts on flippers and slaps his own nut sack around in the bathtub. No, you're wrong.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. Hold tight on the Harland Highway Show Harland Williams Uh-huh, uh-huh, well, now that's right, uh-huh, I'll say, now that's right, mm-hmm, I say, now that's right, mm-hmm, you're right here on the Holland Highway podcast, player. Uh, hey everybody. Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. I'm doing a little solo one today. It was in the mood. Guests. Who needs guests? I got a little cocoa here. It was my guest today. My co-host, a little cocoa. And, uh, let's chat. Let's TikTok. Let's wrap. Let's rimble bump. Let's crabble blab. Let's crab apple. Let's flippity flap, let's snobble glump, let's chitty-cha-chat, let's crawfish grab.

Whatever, let's communicate, is what I'm trying to say. Clearly, I'm not good at it. I'm not out of the gate strong with it, but we're going to get there. I want to talk about something I did that I'm a little mixed about. I'm a little ashamed maybe. and I'm a little mortified and petrified, and maybe I've been ejected into a Dementoid land because of this. I bought a candle.

I'm going to be up front. I'm going to be forthwith, as they say. Not to be, please don't confuse forthwith with forklift. You'd be amazed how many people mix those two words up. and forthwith is coming forward with data or information. And a forklift is a large piece of heavy machinery that moves crates and boxes and supplies around in a warehouse. So let's get that straight right out of the gate, gang. but I bought a candle

and I didn't go to the old pottery barn By the way, did they even have pottery at the pottery barn? I don't know. I went in the pottery barn once. I saw couches, beds, curtains. I mean, everything but pottery. And also, it's a barn. I didn't see one farm animal.

I mean, if I'm going to go into a place called pottery barn, I want to get me like a big old ceramic jug. and maybe milk a goat. Okay, I want the pottery barn experience. I don't need to go in and pretend I'm doing an open house at Martha Stewart's summer home in Nantucket. I get myself into a place advertising as pottery barn. I want pottery, and I want me a herd of cattle.

I want me a herd of a sheep. I want maybe a good Shetland. pony. I want one of those giant Budweiser horses, maybe. I want a steer. I want a bull that's like in mating. Like I want to be able to look over and see a bull like mating. I want to see barnyard sex at the pottery barn.

So don't go making signs if you can't deliver. But anyways, I didn't get my cat, my, uh, I think, I just swallowed a bug. I seriously think I just swallowed a bug. Did you see me? I was just talking and I think like a Brazilian nutmeg wasp flew into my throat or something. But I didn't go to pottery barn.

I didn't go to a garage sale. I didn't go to a farmer's market and get a candle made from virgin olive oil, mermaid ass wax. You know, that was advertised. at farmers markets and everything's more pure than it is ever. Oh, get your candle made of raw honeybee sap and salamander nipples and chlorine children's eyes, you know, whatever chlorine children are. I mean, are there?

I think there are. But anyways, here's what I did. I went online and do we love celebrities or are we kind of over? celebrities. I think maybe we're kind of getting over celebrities. Do celebrities even have a place anymore in our hearts, in our homes, in modern society? I don't know that they do. Are they becoming irrelevant? They don't have the swagger that they used to. They don't have the pull and the allure that they used to. I would contend that their stars are fading fast. But there's one celebrity or fading celebrity.

I don't know how you want to label her. Gwyneth Paltrow. For whatever reason, good old Paltrow decided to manufacture a candle, but not just a candle gang, a scented candle. You know the candles, you light them up. Suddenly your Manhattan, your Manhattan condo

that's surrounded by piss-covered sidewalks and pigeon shit on the balcony, suddenly smells like a pine forest. You know, your uncle just took a giant loaf in the bathroom and suddenly, you know, you light the rose-scented candle and instead of, you know, the stink of a thousand rotten anuses, you've got, smells like somebody's funeral, because there's so many flowers.

Somehow that didn't all work. Oh, the flowers dead, funeral, loaf, anus. No. But anyways, Gwyneth Paltrow, or Paltrow, as I call her, this woman decided to make a candle scented like her, you know what? Huh? Like her bacon sandwich. I don't know what you want to call it.

Is it more crude? to call it something else or is it more crude to call it what it is? I could say vagina, but that sounds a little hard. That sounds right in your age, boom, vagina. It's like you've ever been driving and a dragonfly hits the window? It's like, boom, splat, boom, vagina, boom. And so does it soften it a little bit because we are talking about a private area? Does it sound as a, you know, Gwyneth Paltrow's submarine sandwich?

Gwyneth Paltrow's Frisbee, Gwyneth Paltrow's chicken catchetory, I don't know, egg plant parmesan. Do we want to say vagina? Do we want the vagina fly to splat into our window as we wail down the highway at 90? Okay. I bought a candle that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina. What motivated her to make it? I have no idea. How she made it, I don't know.

Organically, if you're making a candle that smells like honey, you're probably dripping some honey into the wax. If you're making a candle that smells like pine trees, you're probably squeezing pine sap into the wax. So do you want to tell me what Gwyneth Paltrow was dripping into the wax on a sunny February afternoon down in her basement with goggles on?

I don't even want to know how she made it. She made it. And, you know, curiosity. got the cat everyone knows my middle name is cat everyone knows i prowl in the night like a cat curiosity got the cat meow and uh holy loaf of bread sitting on the edge of berry manilos underpants and i'm talking rye bread brown crunchy rye bread just teetering on the the rim of his underpants I don't know. It even has two legs. It's just a loaf of brown bread, rye bread,

staring down into Barry Manilow's underpin. I don't know why. So I buy one of Gwyneth Paltrow's, and I'm just going to say it, pussy candles. I'm not trying to be crude. I told you I'd rather use other terminology, but I don't know that you can in this scenario. I bought one of Paltrow's pussy candles, PPC,

paltrow pussy candle and boom it came could almost smell it through the box i could you know it was one of those things where that were the mailman the guy you know the guy from amazon it was the only time i've ever got a package and there was like a tug-of-war it was like hey here's your package mr williams and i'm like thank you and it's like and he's like you know i'm like what do you do it give me my pack it. Give me my pussy candle. And he's sniffing and I had to pull it away from him. And then he, you know, as he turned and walked into his truck, first time this has ever happened, Amazon guy gets into his truck turns and goes, winks at me? I mean, you order a lawn chair from Amazon. You ain't getting a wink. You order fancy coat hangers. You order a,

a box of chocolates you order a new flashlight that the amazon guy isn't going like that but you order a paltrow pussy candle and you and then he did as he was pulling away he honked the horn and i'm like whoa bro come on guy i mean the wink was a big violation one but then to do the the tongue, come on. So already this thing's causing chaos and trauma in my life, but I'm thinking once I light this paltrow pussy candle and the soft, soothing glow of the flame is flickering in my house, my nerves will subside, my anxiety will recede.

So I get in the house, get the lighter. I light that thing up. And I've got to tell you, within about three minutes, my house smelled like, my house smelled like pussy. Look, folks, I don't want to throw these words around. Can we get over the sticker shock of saying the P word or the V word? This is a piece of human anatomy. Let's grow up a little.

I mean, if you want me to say, you know, flippity flap, bumblety flap, flippity flumpity flimbley flap, I will. But now what grade are we in? The house smelt like pussy within minutes, okay? I mean, you know that smell. We all know that smell. I'm not saying it's a bad smell or a good smell. It's a particular smell. Some have compared it to the scent of fish.

Some have compared it to the scent of old socks. Some have compared it to perfume. Everyone has their own interpretation of the old vizu and the sense that it emits. And I submit that they're primal. They're not foul. vile, they're not an assault to the nasals. They are a perfume, strategically concocted to trigger something in the mail, to make him want to be attracted to it, to be drawn in, to be intoxicated by the scent, and to procreate. And it's a beautiful thing. But I got to tell you,

When you light a candle in your house, your whole house, you know, usually it's confined to a little area between the legs, maybe a little floating around the sheets. Maybe you get a little that drifts up if you've got a ceiling fan going in the room. Maybe a little of that pussy front blows in on the pillows or on the headboard. Maybe. But for the most part, the pussy aroma stays localized. It stays right around the Grand Canyon.

and doesn't move around a lot. It's not like the death cloud from the Ten Commandments. But here you got a candle burn, and you got a, this candle's about yay high and this wide. This thing could probably burn for 30 years. And now I got the smell of Gwyneth Paltrow's vulva permeating my house, all around.

I'm trying to do work. I'm trying to do my taxes. I'm trying to create a word document. I'm trying to write an email. These things can't happen. When vagina smell is going up your nose and in your head, you can't concentrate. A straight man and maybe even a gay man cannot fight that force.

That is like a tsunami. of pussy coming at you. And I'm telling you, gang, man or woman, you know, some women like that stuff. Some women like to shop in the frozen food aisle when they should be over in the canned goods, if you know what I mean. So that is a strong force to fight. I can't write an email. You know, I start, Dear Jim, I'll be over.

over after lunch, the Christmas carols jumped on a draft and ate a sandwich on the submarine. Like, your mind just goes. It disorients you. It dismantles you. Your drain of thought becomes foggy. It becomes jumpy. It's all over the place. Men were not meant to focus and concentrate with a pussy cloud wasping around them.

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this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I want you. Smell me. Smell me. Whispering. if you build it he will come it's that kind of thing you're just sitting there doing your taxes smell me sniff me if you sniff me i will come huh what who's there oh it's gwyneth palt chose pussy so anyways not off to a good start and then i had a friend come over okay this thing's been burning friend walks in the door with wife with kids right out of his mouth in front of the family couldn't contain it because it just blast he goes you've been fucking going with paltrow bro right out of his mouth the kids are like the wife was like

and i was like yes yes i have been how how do you know he's like i can smell it bro You must have been going hard. And I was like, yeah, all night, all night. Four nights in a row haven't left the house. Me and Palchow just midnight train to Georgia power steaming. Going down the track, caribou and elk crossing the track, hammering them. Hoofed mammals flying through the air. We're just on the power fucking train, slamming.

And then the wife saw the candle, and she said, No, you're not. You bought a Gwyneth Paltrow pussy candle, and I said, yes, I did, yes, I did. I lied, I lied. No, I haven't been. So anyway, so now I'm losing friends over it. For me to say I'm losing friends due to Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina.

Not a good day in history. When you start losing friends to a woman's vagina, you've never seen, you've never touched. You don't even know what color it is. And let's be honest, gang, some of them are pinkies, some of them are purple. Some of them look like Barney the dinosaur got tossed in a clothes dryer and shrunk and shriveled. Let's be honest, some of them are borderline brown. Some of them look like someone hung, you know, strips of bacon on a living room wall with the sun coming in,

but there's a humidifier on. So there's crispness, but there's moisture. And I'm telling you, it's, uh, there's many faces to the, uh, the female vagina. And I'm not saying that as disrespectful. It's just anatomy. It's, I'm observational. I mean, if you don't believe me, go look in the mirror. Some of them look like a cyclops got punched in the eye.

And they're swelling. Severe swelling. So much so you can't even see the iris anymore. It just closed. that poor old cyclops. Let's think about them for a minute. One-eyed mythological beasts, or as some would call them, old pussy eye. And so here we go. My friends storm out of the house. They've got earmuffs over their kid because I've been using profanities. And now I'm sitting in a house and I'm like, I got to get rid of this thing. I got to get rid.

of the Gwyneth Paltrow pussy candle. I got to put it outside the door and slam the door just the way the flintstones put their cat out the door at night. Just a yubba doobba do time, right out the fucking door time. Hey? So now my house candles out, but the stink has permeated into everything. Okay? So now I got curtains that stink like Paltrow,

Peltro pussy, guess what I have to do? Now I've got to go down to the right aid by a crate of Summer's Eve, and that's not a manly thing to do, standing in line with a box of Summer's Eve, and I get home, I've got to doosh my curtains. I've got to doosh my curtains three days in a row just to get rid of the paltrow stank. My carpet, you ever heard of Vagicil?

Yeah. Forget about febrize. I had to squirt vagusil and shampoo my carpet with vagusil to get rid of the paltrow. And you know how some houses get mold? Some houses grow mold. My attic has a yeast infection. Thanks, paltrow. So as you can see, I didn't get rid of it all.

I scrubbed with vagusil. I douched with Summer's Eve. I got a demolding guy in. I mean, I had to fill my attic full of tampons. And nothing worked because that's a powerful, strong scent. That's a scent as old as time. Think about it. That's a scent as old as Adam and Eve, Summer's Eve.

That's a stink that God made by design to never go away. I said it earlier, that's the stink that leads a man knows to procreate. To keep the species alive, he created a between the leg's perfume. And Gwyneth Paltrow knew it all along. So how do I play chess with Paltrow's pussy? How do I counteract? How do I counter move something as powerful as Gwen Gretro's pussy? Gwyneth Paltrow's pussy.

Well, by fire with fire. That's what I say. So guess what I did? I'm not an idiot. I know you're sitting here looking at me and going, boy, that guy's an idiot. That guy looks like he plays banjo in the bathtub. That guy looks like he'd stop a school bus with his face.

You're sitting there being judge, you're going, that's the type of guy that puts on flippers and slaps his own nut sack around in the bathtub. No, you're wrong. I can play the mental candle game. I went online, and I thought I'll find a way. I'll beat the Gwyneth Paltrow stink in my home. I'm going to beat her pussy.

And I know that sounds violent, but I'm going to beat her pussy. I'm going to beat her pussy. And I don't mean that in the physical sense. This isn't a violent statement, aggression towards women. I'm going to beat the candle. I'm going to beat the pussy. I went online and I bought a second candle. That's right.

You ever heard of a little actor named Brayette? Brad Zachary Pitt. Yeah, Brad Pitt has a candle scented after his cock and balls or penis and testicles. I don't know how brash you want to get. I mean, when we're right down to this, do we really worry about the technicalities

of the English language? Let's just call it what it is. I bought a Brad Pitt cock and ball. scented candle and I lit it up and I balanced out the environment with I think there's a silent N or an R in environment. I think it's an N. We're not going to. I balanced out the environment. How do you fight a pussy? Well, you fight it with the tools that God gave you a cock and some juicy pink balls and so i fired up the old brad pit cock and balls candle and sure enough within about two days the air was neutralized i talked my friends into coming back over i

apologize. I said, come on over. Gwyneth Paltrow's gone. They walked in the door. Poof, my buddy immediately, has Brad Pitt and Gwenneth Paltrow been fucking in your house? And I was like, yes, they have. Yes, they have. And I filmed it, and I'm selling. And they were gone. They were gone again. So I'm just saying, gang, be careful. Be careful what you buy. Be careful with the various scents that come out of our. bodies. I mean, what's next? A Kenny G. Anus candle? Hmm? A Dolly Parton aerioli candle?

Hmm? A Stephen Tyler Nutsack candle? Huh? I mean, an Eva Longoria clit candle? What are we, What dangerous road are we gone down, gang? How do you want your houses to stink? So luckily I was able to manage the situation and let's move on. Let's move on to something else I want to get to. Can someone tell me has polio returned? Has spinal bifida? come out big is a ricketts back in the vernacular scurvy does anyone know if scurvy's made a return

or spinal meningitis and here's where i'm going with this gang we've all been to the airport okay we've all been going to the airport for years if not decades and you know how it works you get your ticket you go through security you get to your gate you wait to board and you go down that ramp, right down to the hole in the side of the fuselage. They call it a door. You go down the ramp and you get in the fuselage and you go to your seat and you pray you don't slam into the ground. But if you notice something clogging that rampway lately,

something that didn't used to really be there, maybe every now and then there was an anomaly. You'd maybe see one or two a few times a year. what I'm talking about? Wheelchairs, right? Wheelchairs on the ramp and the airport. They used to be sporadic, and I don't know if any of you know that word who go to DeVry. They might not throw that word around up at DeVry, but wheelchairs. They used to just be one or two a year, maybe on every third or fourth flight you'd see a wheelchair you go down that ramp now when they do the announcement anyone who's disabled please come up you're going to board first anyone that's disabled please come to

the front of the line and all of a sudden there's like a convoy we got a great big convoy trucking through the terminal that guy's got laparcy and that guy's got no legs hey we got a great big i mean holy god These wheelchairs, they're just lying, and you can barely walk down to the plane now. And when you get off, when you return, I mean, is everyone gone crippled? Is everybody losing it? Now, let's be honest, there's some legits. And if I'm rhyming, there's some legit crips in those wheelchairs and on that ramp.

But all of a sudden, there's 20, 30 per flight. And I did a flight the other, and I'm like, I'm not buying it. I don't think half of these people even either. They just want to get to the front of the line. They want to board the flight, even before the first classers. How low is that? Faking a human ailment to get in front of our precious, precious first classers. So here's what I did.

I got down to the ramp and I butted my way to the front and I just yelled, he's got a gun! And I'm going to tell you out of the 15 wheelchailers there, eight of them, make that 11, jumped up and ran out of that fucking ramp faster than Barry Manilow

sucking lasagna out of a fire hose down at fire station. number three over there in Bakersfield. I mean, these folks were up and at it. They were sitting at the Burger King in the terminal faster than Willie Nelson at a Lilith

Fair porta potty. I mean, come on, man. For all of you that are legit, my heart, my sympathy, my support goes out to you, wheelchair it on down that ramp. But for you fakers, and I've seen you,

you roll all the way down or worse yet you got an attendant pushing you and he can't push your rate on the plane can he so what does he do he stops in front of the door and all of a sudden as if jesus himself was there rise my child rise on delta five ninety seven to chicago walk my crippled child and lo and behold you put them six feet in front of the door of the airplane and they pop up like a piece of toast at the bottom of Moby Dick's fucking coy pond. And they're just walking on in the plane. Hey, what happened to the spinal surgery?

What happened to the leg that got bit off by the shark? What happened to the scurvy and the rickets? Hmm. Interesting. So I don't know, man. I don't know what's up. I don't know what's going on. All the love in the world to the people who need it.

but those of you that are just abusing the system, I hope you get run over by a person in a wheelchair. How about that for irony? Iron side. And I said iron side because he was restricted to a wheelchair. Look, I'm, folks, I'm tying things together here. I don't think you want a loose bundle. I don't think you want a loose package.

I think you want stuff tied together here, tight, raw, ripe, dressed for Thanksgiving, and ready to swing a fucking cherry bomb right into Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, dirty, smelly faces. Oh, that one stung. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slug. Lap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me.

Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at hardbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole.

catalog we got hoodies we got copy mugs we got t-shirts you name it it's there at harbling dot com get your harland original design wearable art at harbling.com today and thank you for your support and i'll just keep the the groovy images coming and so now that brings us to the portion of the show that you've probably been waiting for. You're probably like, Harland, when are you going to solve a mystery? When are you going to clear up a historical mystery? When are you going to clear up something that's been on people's minds for decades? Something that's plagued society, perhaps tormented society.

When are you going to wipe away the conspiracies? theories and all the hoaxes that we've heard and all the, all the surmising the people have done. Well, I'm going to do it right now. And you know what I'm talking about, gang. The JFK assassination in Dallas, the president of the United States, JFK, shot as his motorcade, came down the street in downtown Dallas and they still haven't figured it out until right effing now. R.F.N. Right fucking now, JFK. Here's what happened. I'm a bit of a weekend sleuth. That's my hobby. Some people like to collect melons. Some people like to shave catfish. Some people like to put underpants on and skip around in circles with all.

like a fairy and hope crows land on their heads and plucked corniblets out of their hair. But not me. I'm a weekend sleuth. I try to solve mysteries. And I did a lot of research. I went online. I went to the libraries. I referenced things.

I went to the National Archives. I requested files closed by the government through the Public Rights Act or whatever it's called. I'm making this part up. and I got information. I dove deep and I personally have solved the JFK mystery. Here's the first thing I found. We know that Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK. We know that.

But what you didn't know, and I went into his history, in fact, his family history, and I dug deep. And it turns out there's something in their history, that the experts missed. Lee Harvey Oswald and his family had a history, a rampant history,

of cardiovascular disease, heart disease. I read through the records, many of them died from sudden heart attacks, strokes, and the whole family had a deep, rich history of consuming massive amounts of junk food. That's a big point. Hold on to that as I keep going. Next point in research.

I traveled to Dallas to retrace the steps of Lee Harvey Oswald on that fateful day where he took the young, vibrant life of JFK. There's a building there, a book suppository. And you can go in it, you can tour it. You can go right upstairs to the top of the suppository. deep, deep, deep into the suppository. And you can actually stand on the exact spot where Lee Harvey Oswald stood.

You can crouch down and look out the window. You can live in his vantage point. And that's what I did for research, to get context. And I'm up there and I'm trying to think through the eyes of Lee Harvey Oswald. I'm trying to assume his psychology and his sensibility. And I get down on one knee, and I'm looking down at the thoroughfare,

the exact motorcade route that JFK took. And I'm looking down, and my eyes and my brain are computing, and I get down on one knee, and I have a pantomime rifle, and I line it up, and I track. I track the pantomime moving car. I can almost visualize JFK. Here I am Lee Harvey Oswald

with a history of cardiovascular disease upstairs with a loaded rifle ready to do damage in the world. But as I'm tracking, I happen to look up. I happen to look up over the grassy knoll. We know the famous grassy knoll. I looked up over the grassy knoll,

and as I'm tracking, What do I see on the next street over, just barely visible through the trees? In fact, if I wasn't perched right at this suppository, I probably won't see it. It was at this exact position that I could have clear eyes through the trees. Right there before my very eyes, a KFC. That's right. AFC franchise. So now I'm doing the math.

You've got a crazed madman with a rifle whose beloved family members of perish due to cardiovascular disease and the fast food industry. And especially down there in Texas where they like that sweet fried chicken. Here's a man in a book's depository with a loaded rifle and he wasn't up there

to take out JFK he was out there to shoot up the KFC boom now he's up there he's lining up the KFC he's dyslexic

another thing I found out in my research He's got the KFC lined up in his scope. Someone in the crowd sees the president's car coming, gets excited, and yells, JFK, the dyslexic with the cardiovascular disease and Kentucky fried chicken grease on his fingers, boom, boom, boom.

Misses the KFC opportunity, hits the JFC, He's dyslexic. He goes, it's three letters. They're very close. They're kind of similar. Boom, boom. Was supposed to hit the KFC, hit the JFK. Let's call it a day. I'm hungry. Let's go get some fried chicken. And you're welcome. You're welcome. I know this is a piece of history where the books have been written, documentaries. have been made movie. Oliver Stone made a movie, a feature film. People have laid awake and bad at night. Historians have had sex with their wives and in the middle of sexual intercourse weren't even focused on the act. They were in their head thinking about how it all went down, how the JFK, just not even really engaged in the intimacy of sexual intercourse with one's own wife,

just instead daydreaming about how did this happen? What are all the missing pieces? And now you're welcome. I've solved the JFK. He was trying to shoot up a KFC to get revenge on an industry that killed his family with heart disease. Sticky, greasy trigger finger. What's a KFC or what's a JFC?

F.K. Does it really matter as long as somebody pays? And pay that dear president did for the sins of an old white man with a little beard and a cane named Colonel Harlan Saunders. That's my name too, Harland. Okay. Okay. Well, so there you go. A little clearing up. And then the last thing I want to get to, gang, is recently we had this spy balloon show up, right? There was a spy balloon that showed up over the United States from China.

Who knows what that was all about? But I'll tell you one person that does know, there's a guy named Colonel Tom, Lieutenant, French commander, Lieutenant Colonel, Captain, Captain, Brigade Master, Platoon, Colonel, Lieutenant, Tom Brady. No, Tom Dowdy. Yeah, Tom Dowell, Lieutenant, Colonel Sergeant Major Tom, French lieutenants, woman, Doughty. And what we're going to do is we're going to cut away.

We're going to go to a phone call and rather than me espouse that I know anything about the military and all its secrecy and all its strategic ways. We're going to check in with a military expert to close out the show here on the Harland Highway. And so let's go do that. Let's go and call Tom Dowdy and find out what really is going on with the mysterious Chinese hot air balloons flying and invading our country. Okay, so I'm here on the line with corporal, lieutenant, commander, first officer ranking, chief lieutenant, five-star general officer. Officer Tom Dowdy from Camp Pendlington, military base, just north of San Diego, California.

And are you there, sir? Hello, civilian. Sir? You are a go. Sir? You are a go, civilian. I'm a go, sir? You heard me.

I don't like to repeat myself, civilian. You are a go. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to be on the phone with us today, Lieutenant Commander, Lieutenant Colonel Dowdy. Absolutely. It's part of my sworn oath to serve and protect American citizens such as yourself, civilian. Thank you, sir.

And we know you've been in many theaters of war. You've been in the Afghanistan conflict, shocking on, Iran, Vietnam, Korea, Cambodia. I mean, the list goes on and on. Wherever there's an asshole holding a gun, and someone wants to play games. Dowdies, your man. Yes, sir. You're a highly recognized, decorated servant of the military, and wanted to get your perspective, sir, on this rather odd invasion by the Chinese with these big giant

balloons they've been hovering over our country. Ding, bang, boom, baby. Sir? Bing, bang, boom. It's party time. Party time, sir? When you send a balloon up in the air, when. and why would you ever do that?

When and why would I send a balloon in the air, sir? You would be civilian, and if you've got wax in your ears, I suggest you take a yoga class, learn how to bend over real deep, stick your nose where the sun don't shine, and suck the wax out of your own head. Sir? You ruined me, civilian.

Well, sir, if we could just stick with the balloon, you said party time? When you put a balloon in the air, and you've known this since you're a little boy, and your father used to lock you in the basement and make you play with pumpkin seeds. Sir? Don't pretend you don't know. I have surveillance. I have intel. I have deep resources.

You think I'd get on a phone and talk to a civilian with you. without doing any kind of reconnaissance. I know that when you were seven years old, your father used to park by the Dairy Queen, turn the engine off, and smash your head into the dashboard like a baby seal trying to get out of a killer whale's mouth

right in the middle of fucking shark week. Sir? Now, when you put a balloon in the air, that says one thing, a guy like me. Okay, sir. I think this is where we wanted to go. A balloon means it's party time.

And we've been having birthday party since we were little boys and girls. And if you put a balloon in the air and fly it over my country. Yes, sir. That means one thing, and one thing only.

Uh, sir? It's party time. Wait, you're, you're, You're saying that a balloon in the air is symbolic of a party? When's the only time you see a balloon, civilian? Well, I guess New Year's Eve, like you said, a birthday party, a celebration? Ping grow broccoli ass. Sir?

You hurt me. When you put a balloon in the air, you're celebrating something. and unless your child get his head stuck in an elevator door and got dragged up and down until his face looked like coleslaw, you're probably having a party. Well, I guess I can't argue with you, sir. Yes, I guess balloons kind of go hand-in-hand with partying. The same way when you lost your virginity.

Your little girlfriend Carol's tits went hand-in-hand in your greasy, sweaty little hands in the back of your daddy's Volkswagen fucking station wagon, you little prick. Sir? I told you, I know everything about you. But when I lost my virginity... Oh, it was smelly.

And let's just say they had to put the windshield wipers on on the inside. Sir, if we could stick to the balloons... What I'm trying to tell you... And what I'm trying to tell the Chinese Is it if you want to put a balloon in the air And I'll float it over my country Sir, if you could stop the breathing

If you want to fly a balloon over my country Then it's party time And daddy's ready to party Sir, did you have to do that with all the heavy breathing? it feels like we're watching a Halloween movie. Knock, knock. Who's there? Trick or treat.

Trick or treat who, sir? Trick or treat? I just shoved a grenade up your ass. Now, shut the fuck up. Whoa, sir! Now, I want to send out a little warning to our Chinese party friends. Well, a party, sir? Blune, plus Chinese.

equals Chinese party. Okay, sir. What's the message you want to send them? You start with your party balloon. And what comes next? You're going to storm the beaches of California. Looking for a game of pin the tail on the donkey? Sir, pin the tail on the donkey?

Another famous party game where you put blindfolds over children's eyes, the same way we put blindfolds over the Vietnamese soldiers we caught in the jungles of Gem Bienn Fu back in 1962. Well, sir, let's not go back to Vietnam. It's all relative civilian. So if you want to do a party, put up your balloon, bring the pin the tail on the donkey,

or as we call those donkeys out in farm country, ass. Sir? Ass. It's another name for donkey. I'm sure you've heard it. Ass. Well, I guess I have heard it.

I'm sure you have, especially in Sunday school over at Old St. Timothy's. When the father used to take you down in the basement, blow out the candles. Sir, can you not, just can we stick to what we're talking about? Once you let a party start with the Chinese, they start with the balloons. Then they come with pin the tail on the donkey, which, by the way, is a cruel way to treat an animal sticking a tail to its bare ass. Well, I don't think it's meant to be that, sir. Shut up. Tape your mouth shut.

Push your face deep down into the toilet and flush it civilian. Sir, I'm just trying to... You're just trying to do nothing. We got Chinese trying to start a party on American soil. And let me throw one other party game at our Chinese friends. Sir? Rub a dub, rub a dub, rub a dub, three men in the tub.

Wait, wait, I get the party blooms. I get pinned the tail on the donkey. What's rub a dub, dub, three men in the tub? Sir? All right, maybe that's one. But just the adults played. Sir? At the Motel 6 in Bakersfield back in 1982.

Sir? With a couple of lonely truck drivers, a bottle of mayonnaise, a roll of scotch tape. One extra large. Domino's pizza, and a leopard print bathrobe. Sir, are you getting off track a little? I think maybe... And there's one other thing. If those Chinese want to come over here and party on American soil.

Sir, can you stop with the obnoxious deep breathing? Don't tell me what to do. I'm a decorated soldier. you're a civilian. I give the orders. So now hear this. Go buy a pack of bubble gum, bend down, stick your face up your ass,

and blow a bubble, civilian. Sir, can we, what is the final, we've really got to get going? The final party treat that you offered to the Chinese to let them know that it ain't going to go down well. Sir?

Birthday candles But birthday candles, sir? We've all seen them They're about three inches high Just a little taller than your penis On a rainy Thursday night in San Francisco Sir, what does that mean? You tell me, Flyboy

Fly boy You heard me Sir, what did What do birthday candles have to do with throwing a military party for the Chinese. Have you ever seen those birthday candles? You buy them at the joke shop or at the amusement center. I'm not sure what you mean, sir.

The birthday candles at your light, and no matter how much you blow on them, they never go out. Oh, yeah, the prank candles. You blow them and I don't know how they rig them, but they never go out. I've seen those. Vingo buck tooth bonzer eye, fuckstick. Sir, can we stop with the names? Fuck stick.

Sir, why, why, what do the candles that you can't blow out have anything to do with the Chinese and the balloons and the pin the tails on the donkeys and all the party? And rub a dub, dub, three men in the tub. Wait, I thought you said. that. Let's get back to the birthday candle, civilian. Sir, why? Because here's the message I'm sending to the Chinese party players.

You want to party with us. You can blow me. Excuse me, sir? Just like the birthday candles, it never go out. You can blow, and you can blow, and you can blow, and you can blow. But they ain't never going out. Sir, is this a metaphor? You bet your sweet pickled cucumber, diarrhea, smeared acid is civilian.

Sir, if you could not, with the graphic stuff. What I'm telling the Chinese is you can blow me. You want to party with the United States? You want to invade our country with your little party favors? where you can blow and blow and blow and blow me all night long, but we're not going away. Sir, is there not a more eloquent way you could have kind of bundled this all up? You can blow me all night long, civilian,

but the United States of America, with its legs spread wide, and it's nutbag hanging down like Florida on a Thursday night full of seaweed, clamshells, and diphtheria juice China can blow and blow as long as it wants So the breathing But the United States of America Will never go out So blow me China

Sir, you know, sir I gotta get going I gotta roast in the oven You have a roast in the oven Yeah, and it's called your mother Sir, if you could not Fuck you, party boy Go suck a lasagna out of the back of a pioneer village

Fuck wagon Sir, could you Oh my god What the hell was that? Good Lord, I feel almost Sort of almost raped God That's horrible

I feel sick Oh Lord Tundran What a show Thank you Tom Doughty Thank you wow That was really informative and I think, you know, now we know, gang. But what a show.

I hope you had a good time. Stick around for upcoming shows. We've got some great guests coming up. More incredible, hilarious, talented comedians and actors and all kinds of fun people. And, you know, we're about eight months into the podcast and it's been going really good. And I wanted to take a moment to sincerely

thank all of you for coming along on the ride on the Harland Highway. I hope you've been having fun. I've been having a riot and looking forward to doing more. But I want to thank you for your support. I want to thank you for listening. I really want to thank you for subscribing. If you haven't subscribed, please hit that subscribe button. It really helps me. And I also want to address, I know sometimes you get a little annoyed at the commercials. YouTube puts in a lot of commercials, please be patient it's the only way that we can really make any sort of income with the podcast with those commercials really help so i i thank you for kind of tolerating them and uh they're just part of what we have to do to make it all work so thank you very much um tell your friends about

it please spread the word about the harland highway podcast and subscribe subscribe leave comments i read all the comments. I don't care if they're good or bad. Just be honest. But I really appreciate you all taking the time. Also, check out my website, Harbling.com. H-A-R-B-L-I-N-G, Harbleng.com. And I draw my own hand-drawn T-shirts. I draw right onto the shirts with Sharpies. And you can buy an original piece of artwork to wear. And if the actual shirt is sold out, you can buy a print of favorite design for a lot cheaper and wear that around and have fun. If you get a chance, send as much money as you can to Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away, my charity for children with cinnamon allergies, and just send it, just PayPal it to me.

The Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Fly Away donation's system is down. So just send it to me directly and I'll make sure it gets there. For the kids, the cinnamon kids? But that's it for today, gang. Let's hit this damn, this damn theme music. Thank you again for tuning in. And until next time, everybody, chicken chow main, baby.

Be safe. Watch out for snipers. Watch out for wheelchairs. and we'll see you next time, right? Little Coco. Phr... Phr... ...their... ...the...

...the... Thank you. Thank you.