The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #52 - GREG FITZSIMMONS, Comedian, Actor, Writer, Podcaster.

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

Funnyman GREG FITZSIMMONS talks Howard Stern, Ellen, TV writing, the afterlife, and inspirational sayings to keep you uplifted and merry! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When a bunch of little people die at the same time, it's very economical because you can buy one coffin and load them in like you're loading a rifle. It's like putting rounds into a rifle. You can put about stuff six in one coffin. And just have like a shotgun burial. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show.

For breakfast this morning, I had oatmeal with some blueberries and some pecans. Dude, I don't need someone coming on my podcast and shitting on the stool. That sounds like a nightmare. Do you want to go before we start or what? I just assume it's why you have this pillow on here. It works as a wee-wee pad. Well, how about a poo-poop pad is what it sounds like? You don't pee because you eat granola, rhubarb, strawberries, and lettuce or whatever you said.

Sound like an endorsement for soup plantation over here. Well, in my house, it's all you can eat for $3.99. So, yeah, you get all of it. Wow, I'm going to tell a bunch of homeless people where you live. You can have them lined up down the street. 1979 prices written right out front. Look at this. Ladies and gentlemen, before we get going, Greg Fitzsimmons, let's hit the theme music.

Uh, yeah, disco, baby. Bringing back the disco. It's, uh, the Harlan Highway. Mm-hmm. Well, now that's right. And, uh, this is Greg Fitzsimmons. Second time here, buddy. Second time, which I believe is the record on your podcast, right?

Uh, there's a couple that have been twice. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But maybe you'll be the first. be the first one to be third. That's my goal. I want to be what Tom Hanks is to Saturday Live. I want to be to the Harlan Highway. Oh, is he the all-time most host? No, maybe it's,

maybe it's Alec Baldwin. Oh. Yeah, I wouldn't get that optimistic. I mean, you're a great guest, but let's not push it. Yeah, yeah. Let's take it one podcast at the time. Yeah. Wow. Greg brought me a gift, and look at that, gang. This is the Fitzdog Radio mug. I don't have like an official set mug. Can this be it? I would be honored. That would really be an honor for me.

This is great. Yeah. And tell the folks right out of the gate about Fitzdog Radio, by God. If we're going to have the mug, we got to have the plug. It started out as I used to do a show on Howard Stern's channel, which you were on many times. Yeah, yeah, we had fun. And it was on Sirius XM and you would come into the studio and then we would record for his show.

We would do his show live. And then my producer was like, you know, you're getting these great guests. They're coming all the way in here for a one hour show. Why don't we do a podcast afterwards with the same guest? And so we started just really imposing on people and having them stay another hour. And then that was 14 years ago and I got my 1,000th episode coming up next month. Wow, dude. Yeah.

What's the Howard's? stern experience like like i've never done the show i've never met howard and i've i've heard that overall it's been a good experience but it seems like a lot of guys that have done his show there's been like conflict afterwards like ardy and jacky the joke man and like what tell tell us what that experience is like with howard well i did the show over 50 times i used to go on there all the time it's huge for like 10 years i would go in there like every couple months and you've done mind how many uh this is let me check my phone does this help two i think this is the second good you ever heard the word priorities guy right okay so keep going so anyway i did it uh about 50

times and then uh i asked him i wrote a book and then i wrote a note to him and hold on you you did mind how many your show yeah Arlen Highway? You could just re-check. If you said he did his 50, I think is what you said. What was mine? I got down here two. Okay.

Okay, I just wanted to be, and I didn't mean to cut you off, but I was having trouble calibrating everything. How many times have you had Jackie the Jokeman on? Well, that's none. Is there a plan or are people talking? No, I mean, I had his nun on. He's Catholic, yeah. Yeah, she was great.

Jackie's, and she tells nothing but nun jokes? Yeah, dirty nun jokes. These sweet nuns walked into a penguin bar. They couldn't tell the difference. So they all had an orgy. And I just made that up right now. And everybody smelled like fish at the end of it, didn't they? They have to.

None's are the greatest because. Oh, here we go. Well, oh, God. I mean, we make fun of like Muslim people for the way that they make their women dress but then you look at a nun and you go it's a burka with a skylight it's the same outfit that's right yeah yeah it's the sky yeah they just kind of add more of the face yeah yeah you get a little bit of face oh god have you ever worn a burqa no i used to wear one and uh i don't well if you're gonna laugh maybe this isn't the podcast for you how did i make it back i don't know

but you made it back once. Don't push it. But I used to wear a burqa, and in the summer they get crazy. And have you ever heard of a Dutch oven? Sure. You fart in a burqa, and I made the mistake.

I went through the Taco Bell drive-thru one night in my burqa, and about an hour later, my leg, I had third-degree burns on my legs. They actually could, the, I went to the ER at Cedar signet. They said, sir, were you in a microwave oven? and I said, no, I was in my burqa. Yeah. And, wow.

More like a burnka, huh? Yeah, yeah, burnka. It gets ripe. And so is that why Muslims don't allow you to eat pork? Oh, you can't eat pork if you're a Muslim? Yep. Yes, you can. If that's what you say.

No, I'm asking you. About Muslims? Can they eat pork? I can't imagine it's allowed. Why? Well, because of the burqa. and the farting, what the pork does to you. Okay.

Yeah. So you don't, you don't want to be in a burq and do a good, like, old-fashioned bacon fart? No. Wow. Yeah. What about eggplant parmesan? In a burqa? No.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, they say Mediterranean diet is the way to go with the burqa. Oh, really? Yeah, it keeps it light. Oh, wow. And your farts are just, yeah. But you know what sucks? Have you ever been around someone and they've got bad breath?

And it's so strong, you can smell it from a few feet. Yeah. So imagine if you fart in a burqa. Yeah. And there's nowhere for that gas to escape. So it's got to come out like almost like your eyes stink. Right. And you're also, you're inhaling that fart with your mouth.

Yeah. So now your mouth smells like the fart. God. Yeah. It's almost like, like, who's that X-Men guy that shoots the red laser beam out of his eyes? Pat Sejack? Yeah, yeah, that's the guy, yeah, yeah. And he also has vowel movements if he eats too much.

Can I buy an A for ass? But imagine, you know, the burke, that gas has to escape. That's just physics guy. Right, right. And it's just, you do a 7.5 pumper. Right. And that's just going to blast out of your eye hole, like almost like a magnet. or whatever the guy's name is.

But anyway. Pat say Jack. Yeah. How is that guy still doing Wheel of Fortune? Well, with Vanna, who is making, I mean, you talk about, I mean, you and I both started out as young kids with a dream. Yeah. I don't know what yours was.

Mine was to be a comedian. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you look back at all the possible careers and trajectories that you could have taken in this world. would you choose any of them over Vanna White's job and the money she makes to do it? I look, I think where you're going with this, it's an easy gig. I think so.

Right? It pays ridiculous. The hours are amazing. But at the end of the train, when you're standing there at death's door and you look back on your life, outside of the money you made, what's your sense of, accomplishment. I mean, Pat Sejack told people to spin a wheel for 50 years and she flipped letters for 50 years. Is that the legacy you want? I think that's when you're jumping up and down pumping your fist going, I won. Really? I won. But integrity wise, are you fulfilled with that? Fuck yes. So it's

just about making bank in this lifetime. I, you know, the whole art thing is overrated. Really? So you wouldn't rather have like a novel that you slaved over for six years. You can have all day to write the novel. You only tape for 45 minutes a day. Right. But her nor Pat have done anything like that. I bet you she has a book. She probably does.

I guarantee she has a book. I bet she's got an ABC book and I bet she's got like a line of perfumes or hair products or something that sells on QVC for a ton of money. Berka Spray. Burka Spray. Oh, that's the solution. that's it nobody's come out with that right or just right down the eyehole yeah right in the old eye hole right uh so uh Howard Stern oh yeah so because this is a guy that's not in my wheelhouse

I don't think he's ever asked me to be on I don't even know if he knows I exist but all my buddies have done it so what was it like what was the experience well um you walk in and you you see the whack packers is always like a little person who's pissed himself on the couch when you walk in and then there's a security guard who's 70 it's weird he's got a thing it's almost like a freak show like he likes people with speech impediments yeah yeah yeah mentally challenged and mutants and yes drug addicts alcoholics he likes that why because it's sort of an easy comedy target or i see him as like pt barnum he he knows how to assemble the freaks He's the ringmaster.

He's the ringmaster. And then he plays off. And then he's the straight guy in the middle of it all. And also when you have a collection of kind of mutants like that, it kind of makes you look all the more intelligent and all the more in charge sort of. Is it manipulation? Is it taking advantage or is it all good clean fun? I think it's clean, clean fun because then these people who, and you know,

I can see both sides of that. Yeah. But the way I've always seen it as is as. that these people who would have lived lives of obscurity are suddenly now like celebrities and they go on tour on the weekends and they do stand-up comedy. Really bad stand-of-comity.

In like holiday ends on Route 9 and T-neck and mattress openings and they're famous and they have big social media followings and they do patrons and they have kind of an exciting life. And are they the butt of the joke? Yeah, on some level. but they also he he also treats them with a certain dignity so it doesn't seem as usury as maybe it seems to me i haven't listened to him a lot but it seems like you're right

he treats them with a certain dignity but i'd say to me it sounds split it's like half of its indignity yes like he sort of mocks and uses them as comedy fuel but then he also sort of treats them with respect to a degree. So I'm kind of mixed on that. But when these guys go out and do these gigs, are they attracting fellow mutants for lack of a better term? No. Is the audience full of people with speech impediments and, you know, okay.

That would be fun. That would be pretty wild. That would be pretty wild if they just attracted their, like Eric the midget would just have midgets coming out. Well, actually, they call him Eric the little person and then he died. but yeah a lot of them died that was the thing is that every time i felt like i had this curse every time i would do the show you would show up and they would be like oh monkey man died was he a midget he was he had harry not i don't know i made that one up i don't know all their

names but they would always die and i would be like i would fly myself in from california to do the show oh and you know put myself in a hotel wait he didn't pay for any of this no wow okay The multi-trillionaire didn't pay for any of this. No. And then I would go on the show and then, you know, and I'm all set with some funny stuff to say. And instead we end up talking about a guy who had, you know, a crack disorder. Yeah. And he died.

And we're talking about that the whole time. So he'd take you all off your prepped material and he'd talk about mutiners. Right. You know, the interesting just occurred to me when a bunch of little people die. at the same time it's very economical because you can buy one coffin and load them in like you're loading a rifle it's like putting rounds into a rifle just chiching chiching you can put about stuff six in one coffin and just have like a shotgun burial and then and then at the cemetery do a 21 little person salute and shoot them into the air yes oh yeah with like a roman catapult

but one of them is still alive that's the fun part oh god like a pumpkin toss thing? Yeah, yeah. Have you ever seen that thing where they put pumpkins and they fling them across the field? Yeah. But you do with a little guy? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Do you aim for anything or is it just a rel-like, you're aiming for a bus or a highway or a park? I think you just aim it for a good time, you know? Yeah, that is a good time. Yeah, it's not about the destination. It's about the journey.

The journey. Yeah. Good point. Right. God. Um, I wanted to hit on you because obviously we were, Irish guys, right? Oh, right. We did the Irish show with you the other day. I can't thank you

enough. Honestly, Harlan, I know we joke around a lot and we make fun of each other because of, you know, your looks or your career or whatever. But when you came out and you did that show the other night, you absolutely followed a bunch of killers. I mean, you know, Owen Smith came out and killed. Bill Burke came out and killed. And then you just took it to another level. You were, you were so goddamn good. Thank you, thank you. It was fun. You know, it meant something to me because it was like an Irish theme night and you put clovers all over the wall and Irish music yeah and it you know it's like that's part of my heritage so it was like it was kind of there's something that goes a little deeper when I was at that thing you know it's a

club I played a million times but I actually did connect with the Irish theme and it resonated with me so thank you yeah that stuff's important to me because you know a lot of times you don't really hear about it's mostly you know people talk about minorities and things like that but you know Irish people we're just we're just kind of existing and so when when something pops up culturally like that I actually really enjoyed that well I remembered that the last time I was here you showed me these great pictures of your mother's side of the family the Sullivan's the O'Donnells the O'Donnells and you were very proud I remember you were very proud showing me those pictures and uh did you get the Irish soda bread did you get any of that I didn't have anything to eat I don't like to eat before I

Not even just a little piece of Irish soda bread with some butter on it? I didn't. And you know what? I'm going to be honest. I feel horrible. Now, I don't know what Irish soda bread is. What is that? Well, it's a traditional bread.

It's almost like a cakey bread with raisins and caraway seeds in it and you make it with buttermilk. And it's very moist and delicious. And my friend, Lorraine, yeah, challenged me. She said that her mother's Irish soda bread was the best. And my mother's is handed down for generations.

Oh, wow. People literally, I've never had anybody eat it that did not say this is the greatest thing I've ever read in my life. It's so good. Damn, I wish I'd tried it. So I challenged her, and so we each baked two big Irish soda breads. So we had four Irish soda bread. Wait, you baked? Yeah, I baked them.

Did you bake them in your burqa? Yeah, I did. Yeah. Irish soda bread and the burqa. That's got to be the moistest. It's like whiskey in a cedar barrel. Yeah. Wow.

And so. You know cedar's a tree, right? It's a type of wood. Right. Okay. Some people don't know what cedar is. You say, what's cedar? They go, cedar, I barely know.

I mean, they don't even know. Who? Cedar. Cedar's a type of wood. I know, but who, who didn't know that? People, people that don't know timber. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent

discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off. One item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I mean, have you ever heard of a cedar canoe, a cedar strip canoe, a cedar plank smoke salmon? Cedar planks in,

cedar hangers people use in their closet because it keeps the moths away. So you know. Yeah. Okay. The Irish thing, though, one thing that I think you've probably been brought up this, but I don't know. I hope you have, but did any of your grandparents or your parents

have little Irish sayings? I feel like, I feel like the, because we had this one, my grandmother used to say, may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows your dad? Like, I don't know if other cultures have that. Did you have one that was like a? All four of my grandparents came over from Ireland. Wow. And I didn't meet two of them because my father's parents died in their 40s. Oh, wow. And so I never met them. And so I just knew my mother's parents. Yeah. And he used to recite old Irish Limericks. Oh, do you know, do you know any off the top? Up the eye, up the airy mountain and down the rocky glen. We forego hunting for fear of little men. I used to know the whole thing. It was a whole like epic story about, uh, hunting for these little

midgets in Ireland. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We got to. A theme going here. Should we invite Brad Williams to this podcast? No, no. No one would see him. This thing's six feet high. But he would say, he would say things like,

I would say, how you doing, Grandpa? And he'd go, ah, tips and all, I can't complain. Tips and all. Oh,

so like kind of like a bar, a pub reference? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mike, can I read you on? My mother gave me one. Oh, great. That I sort of live by, And it's like she kind of gave it to me as sort of when your parents give you stuff as a kid,

you're like, oh, yeah, great, right? But I've always kept it and I put it up in my, isn't that nice? I put it up in my kitchen, so I see it every day. And it's really resonated with me through life. And I've sort of tried to live by this. Well, let me, let me share it with you. Okay. Do you want an Irish accent or just regular?

Obviously an Irish accent. Okay. Yeah. I be the road of life. I expect a part. pass through this world but once, any good, therefore, that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature,

let me do it now, for I shall not pass this way again. Beautiful. It's simple, but it's like whenever somebody does me wrong, or I feel like somebody's, you know, sometimes you meet people that are just pricks, or you meet someone that maybe needs a hand, or I always go to this and I go,

let's just help them pass through once yeah like be kind yep and uh so i love that i have a few other ones i found on the internet i didn't write these they weren't from my parents but if you like to hear them they're oh i love them i'm trying to think if i have another one from mine um this one's for truck from uh truck drive truck drivers say this do you know any truck drivers of course okay this one my friend gary bazanski lives down in georgia what's he hall uh interstate i'm not sure what but he goes down to Florida a lot. Probably Manatees. Yeah.

Yeah, I hope he has a refrigerated truck. I don't know how they identify. Could be manatees. Oh, right. Ititties. Could be it, they atees. Yeah. Yeah, you can't say the M word anymore.

No, no. Yeah, you got to have a refrigerated truck because those things, when they start to go, when they turn, they stink like a killer whale sunbathing at Kenny G's fucking day spa. Right. The only thing you do is get a burqa and put them in it and get them out of there as quick as possible. A manatee and a burqa?

That's like a pastrami sandwich at low tide. Holy fuck. Suck me in the seaweed, bro. Coney Island in August. You're bringing me back. Here's a little inspirational passage that the, truck drivers use when they're out on the road. I hope you like it. Though life's road be long and meandering and the miles may never end, the twists and turns

never ending, a new town around every bend. And for every smelly truck stop I pull into, they smell better than your wife. And for every pothole I pound with my big rig, I pound your wife twice is hard when you're out of town on business trips oh she's a rider a dirty midnight rider oh she's a hairy rider honk honk beep beep spread them you dirty jacked-up cowboy and i didn't write that i promised that just seemed like it turned yeah around the third stanza yeah yeah yeah i mean that guy's been on the road a long time. Truck drivers. They don't got it easy. No. And when they can get themselves a woman,

they don't care whose it is. Yeah. They'll just take, take. And they've probably already been through every frozen manatee in the back of the truck. So you know when they go, they go. Well, but look, when you're sitting behind the wheel of an 18 wheeler, here we go. Big rig. Yeah. And then you see a woman and maybe like a dodge neon, one of those like, I just got out of college a couple years ago. I don't have a lot of money. Yeah.

And then she, she drives past you, and she makes the fist and pulls, pulls the fist down a couple times for the honk. Yeah. We know what she's doing. Yeah. We know what's going on. And we know what's going to happen next. So I think where you're going, you want, she wants him to pull over at the nearest Denny's or

truck stop. That's right. Get in the back of his rig. Yep. Some sweet Route 66, Lovin or Route 69. Yeah. Lovin. and I got you.

Although you could do 66. I mean, I guess if you did her doggy style, that would be like a 66, wouldn't it? Yeah. Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, and maybe, I guess if you're just doing traditional intercourse, that would be, what, an 11? Because you're just,

it's two people laying on top of each other. That would be an 11. Yeah. Yeah, because it's two ones. Right. And then maybe if you didn't meet a woman and then you pulled over at Denny's,

you got in the back and you pleasureed yourself, that would be like a four. Oh, yeah. I want to raise your hand a little, yeah, just so people don't think. Yeah, like a four. A four, yeah, right in your own mouth. Yeah. And then, you know, I always thought 69ers too should, I thought, I think only two people can technically really do them.

A pregnant woman and a guy with a beer belly. Right? because you got six beer belly and nine beer pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you put those opposite each other. Yeah. Technically those, that's when you're really doing a 69. Yeah.

So a pregnant woman just about to give birth to an infant child's got a beer belly guys right in her face or vice versa. Yeah. And I feel sick. And you got to hope they're not under the covers because there's a lot of smells with both those conditions. Yeah. And what if her water breaks? Then it's a 61. Yeah.

Because she lost her belly. Right. It just goes flat. Yeah. Right. God, I didn't know you were so good with numbers. Well, my wife's Jewish. Oh, she is.

So it rubs off a little bit. So when you two have sex, what number is that? It's a 69, but that's because I'm a six and she's a nine. So even though we're having normal sex. Sure. It's a 69. I'd be a zero after she hears this. Here's another one that I got.

And I didn't write these. No. I need you to know that. You just so you get on the World Wide Web, I guess. I got on the www. Worldwide Web.com. And just by fluke of here's a little motivational, like saying serial killers do. Oh.

Who knew that they had a little thing? Do you want this one in an Irish accent? No, if it's a serial killer, I would say probably Korean. Okay, I can do that, my friend. May the years treat you right and marry. May you leave one of your windows unlocked. You turn on the lights and it's scary, standing over you with my gun cocked. May the duct tape be kind to your skin.

May the rope grip you the way your psychological trauma grips your mind. And may the taste of a human femur. Make you cheery and kind. Is that, I mean, I can't tell if that was North or South Korea. Damn serial killers. I just don't know that I could have fixed a better accent for that. I think it's so much creepier. And I don't think technically, has there ever been a Korean cereal killer?

No, never. That's what's so mean. Yeah. Right. Has there? Well, Bobby Lee is certainly capable of it. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I don't think he's acting on it, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You know what? There was this guy in California back in the 80s. There was a guy named Charles Ng. Really? N.G, I think, is how you spell it. Yeah. Who knows how they spell.

NG. Yeah. Not a great last name in today's world. It's great if you're stuck on a crossword puzzle. Yeah, right. You know. But Charles. So I remember this story stuck out because this was I was living in Canada and Charles

Eng lived in Northern California and he was an Asian guy. I don't know if he was Korean, Asian, him and another guy kidnapped families and built a prison. They built like a 11 cell prison on some like vacant land. They owned the land, but some remote land in Northern California. And they tortured and killed. It was horrible, but our... Wait a minute. Are you sure this wasn't Mayberry RFD?

No. What's Mayberry RFD? The one with Richie Cunningham when he was a kid and his father with Andy Griffith. You sure this wasn't the Andy Griffith show? No, maybe. Because it sounds very similar. Very violent, yeah. They had that jail and they used to put people in there.

Yeah, with Barney Fife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this was Charles Ng. Wow. This sounds crazy. is great you can look this up on you're not making this up this is real because i remember you know lived up this was sort of at the beginning when you know there hadn't been a lot of like mass killings and guys that did this creepy like bone collector stuff and this was the first one and i remember

me and my buddies were just like holy crap and i think they got them on a parking ticket or something so it always goes it's always something really right and they went to the property and there was literally piles of charred remains like he would do whatever they do not just with one person they'd get the family or the kids or the both both adults and dude it was crazy right and the worst is when they'll they'll rape the father and they make the children watch oh god which as a kid has just got to be so bittersweet depending on your relationship with your father yeah i mean you're either rooting yep or you're crying right Daddy, you shouldn't have spanked me.

You had it coming, old man. That's right. Take it like an ing. Take it like an ing. Take it right up the ing. Yeah. I have one more, because you brought it up earlier, the woke thing. And this is the woke person sort of.

And just so if people are listening, they don't know what woke is. Can you explain it in a layman's terms? Yeah, woke is kind of people that are uber sensitive about titles. and everything going on in society. They're very protective about gender and anything kind of a hot topic. They're very woke about social issues. And how is that helping? I don't know that it is.

I think it's doing more damage than it is good. But they do have their own little thing, and this is it. For the woke, here's their little saying, It, they, them, gender binary, gender neutral, toxic masculinity, thing one and thing two, Dr. Seuss. Yes. And that's a short and simple one, but it's... But you can live by it. And it's motivational.

You know, you're walking around, you're having a down, woke day, and you're like, boom, drop that. Right. So anyways. It was a book by Charlie Kaufman, you know, Charlie Kaufman, the great director. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And inside, being John Malcovich and... Okay, I didn't know that was him, but I know the material, yeah, being John Malkovich. He wrote a novel that was, it was the protagonist was a woke, kind of like a woken clown.

And he used the word, he referred to himself as a thon. That's how he identified. Wow. My buddy, Theo refers to himself as that too. No, he doesn't. Yeah, Theo Vaughn? Yeah. You know, it's getting so crazy.

I, we do stand up. Sure. And I was doing a show the other night on stage, and I did a knock, knock joke. I was like, started to go knock, knock. And before I could even get finished, some lady's stills. She goes, hey, hey, you can't say knock, knock. Homeless people don't have doors. And I said, lady, you are woke.

And she goes, no, no, you can't say woke because if you take the E off of woke, that's walk, that's cultural. appropriation and I said well woke backwards is EWalk so nub-gub-nub-gub-gub-gub you fat fucking sloth or lady? You said lady luckily. Yeah I said lady luckily but that's the thing is

what about Chubaca I was my son was watching the original Star Wars the other day and I was realizing that Chubaka is kind of interesting right because they would either treat him as a pet or as a military genius,

depending on which film it was. Well, I'm just trying to be woke, and you're talking about Ewoks or Wookie's. I just offended by the Wookie joke that you just told. You told it in Wookie. Other people, if they don't speak, it don't realize that you just maligned Pacific Islanders. Yeah.

Yes, they have big heads, Scarlin. They don't know why they have them. It's not the pineapple. Nope, it's not the sand. Yes, they're special people. See, that's all I'm trying to say, Guy. I did a little research, and I don't know if you know this, but if you shave Chubaca, it's Kenny G. under there.

Is that right? Yeah, yeah. You just leave the beard part. Just leave the beer. And it's, yeah, he's creepy. Creepy. Looks like a, have you ever seen a parrot with all his feathers pluck? Yeah.

That's what a Kenny G. looks like naked. You just shave that hair off, give him a full-body Brazilian. And can you sing? You got to know when to hold him, no one to fold him as an Ewok? An Ewok or a Wookie. As a wookie, I mean. I think I just threw my ass out. Oh, God, it ain't easy being a wookie guy.

I can't believe he did all three verses. Well, you asked. Look, you asked. I'm here to please. Speaking of, we were talking about serial killers and death. This is a weird, and I'm curious about this. We talked about loading the shore people into the coffins. Have you thought about like, and I know it's morbid,

but have you thought about, like, when you pass? Like, have you, have you made arrangements or you just want, like, I'm one of these guys, I'm just like, I've got a will, but I don't really, I haven't looked at it in 20 years. I don't have a will, but you don't have a way. I have a way. I don't have a way. And I haven't thought about where I'm going to be buried.

I don't have a plot. I don't have, like, I don't really, have you, have you thought about this? Have you mapped out death? I hate to even. Well, because I have kids, I have set up a trust where if I die, I have a life insurance policy. Okay. It's a million dollars.

I know that sounds like a lot. But you have to understand that my wife is accustomed to a certain way of living. Yeah. And I think with that failure and disappointment, there should be a payoff for her something. Yeah, yeah. So I got the $1 million policy. Great. And it pays into the trust so that they don't have to pay taxes on it.

Yeah. But as far as my arrangements, and it's interesting you bring this up because I have a business idea. And I'm not kidding about this. Okay, I have one too now that you mention it. You go first. Mine is a website that you get a membership to, and you pay five bucks a month or whatever. Yeah. And the website has all the information for your funeral.

It's got the guest list, everybody, their addresses updated. Okay. You go into this site once in a while and you update it. Yeah. And you put down who you want to give your eulogy. You maybe even have a couple bullet points about some stories that he might tell. Yeah. I'm not kidding about this.

What kind of flowers you want, your playlist for the funeral itself. Like, I love it. A photo basket filled with photos that you would like printed and put up at your funeral. Yeah. And whether or not you want a priest, whether or not you want to be buried,

like it's got all your financial information about who gets paid what, the will. Everything is in one place on this site so that when you die, you ever see a family get thrown. into the chaos of a loved one dying. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. And you got three days to put a fucking funeral on and you don't know where to start.

Yeah. Well, now it's all done. Yeah. I love that because I've often thought, you know, when somebody dies, it's everything you said, you go to these funeral homes, which are about as much fun as like, you know, kicking a baby seal in the balls. Well. And you go and they're grim.

Yeah. And there's different rooms. Like there's, you know. There's other people going. on to another funeral right next to your funeral. There's stiffies all over the place. And it's very grim and there's organ music and there's flowers and the coffins open. And I thought, why doesn't somebody start like sort of a rock and roll-ish funeral home?

Oh, I like that. Where it's got all the kind of entrappings you talked about, but it's also sort of upbeat and maybe there's a stage where people can get up and tell stories and there's nice food. And it's kind of, it's sort of a more upbeat festive celebration of their life. rather than the mourning of the death. I like that. I like that a lot. And that's why I like the idea of like listing the stories that you want each of your friends to tell.

You know, because you want people to laugh. Who wants people to cry at their funeral? We all want people to laugh at our funeral. And there was a guy, I saw a TikTok video of a guy in England. Yeah. And he had before he died,

I guess he knew he was dying. And he made a recording and they put it in the coffin. Did you see this? Yeah. And he starts knocking. Yeah. So they sunk it like. six feet into the ground and all of a sudden you hear let me out i'm not dead and everyone's like

freaking oh i love see that's what they all get it they all got it and they all started laughing yeah and even though it's a sad affair it it reminds you of his sense of humor it reminds you of what a what a great spark he was in life right and it it lifts the energy of the thing that's it that's so because you can't stop death it's part of we all we all got it coming kid that's right um So, you know, I think what would be cool, too? Do you want to be cremated or buried? It feels a little selfish to take up a piece of real estate on the earth for your, you know, for your existence. Like, I should live forever.

I don't know. Yeah. And does anyone ever go? Like, have you ever gone to a graveyard and visited? My father died. It'll be 30 years next month that my father died. And I think I've been to his grave once. Yeah.

And it's not out of disrespect. I think it's more out of you don't want to go and once again be in that grim surrounding because it's very sort of depressing. So what I think people should do now that they've legalized marijuana is we should have dispensaries where you can go and they put the ashes in some rolling papers and you can smoke your wife, you can smoke your dead daughter, you can smoke you just. Anyways, how have you been? What have you been up to?

wow you don't smoke you don't smoke i guess i don't smoke dead people i mean do you see dead people i do see dead people yeah so if you can see one why won't you smoke one i just worry about what they ingested in their life and what i would be putting into my body like if i knew that they were grass fed okay if they were free range people organic that died organic then i would smoke, but I don't know toxins are in that. You don't want to, like, smoke your dad and get breast cancer. Exactly.

Yeah. A smart guy. How did you know that's how he died? Because I smoked some of them. Oh. I've been feeling a little sick lately. Yeah, I wouldn't smoke anymore. Yeah. My tits have been swinging real low lately, guy.

Yeah. I think it's because I smoked your breast cancer riddled dad. And then the guy, he goes down and he smashed the people in the face with the crowbar. What's crazy is that you conjured up. It really was Korean. It wasn't Chinese. It wasn't Japanese. That was Korean.

It was pretty good. Yeah. It was pretty good. Where did you? What was your reference for that? Because usually when I do an accent, I think of somebody who's from that country that I'm friends with. I dated a girl from Korean name. Oh, you did.

Me, too. And it was horrible when we'd go up for big dinners. She'd go in the bathroom after and have a giant Me Too movement. Oh. It was. Yeah. Yeah, it was, it's been hard. The Me Too movement's been hard for me.

Yeah. And then if you guys would go out, which she'd post a picture of you guys on Instagram and then write Me Too underneath and that would cause a lot of a scandal. Yeah. Wow. Have you ever dated an Asian woman? I never did. Okay. Now.

I think the first girl I really fell in love. was a Japanese girl in high school. Oh, my God. What was her name? Judy Nishikawa. Really? And she'd sit beside me. And it was in those days back in the 70s when clogs were a thing.

People wore the clogs. And I didn't think anything of it, but she'd come and sit beside me in English class. And I went to a Catholic school. So all the girls had the little skirt on. But back then you didn't. It wasn't sexualized. It's men who sexualize it. When you're a boy, you're just like, oh, look at this stupid uniform.

But she'd sit beside me and it was just like, oh, there's Judy. And then every class, I just sort of felt like, like some kind of invisible force. And I realized, oh, my God. And then I'd go home at night and I'd just like think about her. And I just like fell in love with her. Did you ever ask her out? I did. And you dated.

I didn't date her. It was the weirdest thing. It was literally driving me insane. Yeah. It was like, this was when I was about 17, 18. And I was still a virgin. I'd never had like a real steady girlfriend. And just being in her proximity,

I was just like I could feel this thing in my heart growing. And I would dream about, I wouldn't dream, but I daydream about her. And I'd go, oh my God, I think I'm in love. My father felt like he had something growing in his chest also. That would have been the cancer lump. You should check that out. Yeah.

So did she feel this way about you? So here's what happened. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. And we'd become friends. We were like socially friends. and I just said, hey, Judy, can we go out on a, you know, hang out one night? She said, sure. So I took her for a drive, and I didn't know where to go, and we just drove.

It was nighttime. We drove up into the country, and I was just trying to, like, figure out what to say to her, and we got right in the middle of nowhere, like farm country, and there was an old church. And I said, let's just stop here. We got out. It was like 10 at night, the moon's up. We sat on the church steps, and I said, I just, I have to do this. this and I said, Judy, I really like you. I said, I don't know what you're going to say.

I don't know if you like me. I said, I just have to tell you. Like it was just, and she said, Harland, you're really nice guy. I really like you, but I don't feel the same. And instead of being like crushed, I was so overwhelmed with being able to get that out of my soul and out of my heart and just say it to her, even though she rejected me, I felt like a million bucks. And I was like, I said, okay, I get it. And then like the next few days when I went home, I was like sort of crushed up that she didn't like we. But in the moment, I was just glad I communicated it to her because I had to get it out. Right. And the fact that you left her at that farmland. Yeah. I mean, why, what would she expect? Yeah. You know? She had a long walk home.

She should have said yes. Put those clogs on too. Yeah. It's a long. It's a log clog. It's a log clog home. You hear her coming. Yeah. I think she log rolled home, actually. She had the clogs on it. I rolled right down the highway. The Harlan Highway. The Harlan Highway. It's not an easy ride.

No. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harblank.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print.

And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got copy mugs. We got t-shirts. name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the, the groovy images coming.

So last time we're here, we talked about your book. Oh, boy. Your writer. Sure. And I don't know if everyone knows this about you, but I know you wrote on the Eleanor. show for a while. Like, you know, Howard Stern, Ellen DeGeneres? Yeah. Was she, and I'm not asking for any stories out of school, but was, was she as tyrannical as she's sort of been made out to be now? Or was she in a different place? I think you wrote for her, what, about eight or nine years ago, was it? No, no, no, no. I wrote for her in the first two seasons. So that would have been 19 years ago. Of her talk show. Right. And did you get the sense that she was sort of a tyrant and an over,

And if you don't want to say, you don't have to. The truth is, I signed a non-disclosure agreement, which I don't know if it's still in effect since the show is no longer on the air. And do you think someone would even come after you? But that being said, I respect whatever you want to say or don't say. I'll just say, you know, in kind, turn, you know, in political, I want to be political. Yeah. Um, she was very gracious at first because, you know, her career was not going well when she got that talk show. Right.

She had really, she was at work in comedy clubs. She was probably working the same clubs we were. Okay. After her sitcom went, went away. Yeah, right. And then nobody would touch her. And it wasn't, you know, she wants to say it was because she was gay, nobody would hire her. It's like, no, it's because you made your sitcom about gayness.

Right, right. Stop being really funny. It started to become something that had an agenda. Oh, really? Yeah, that's why the show went off the air. Nobody rejected her for being gay. Yeah. But anyway, that's my...

It became too preachy or something. Yeah, got very pedantic. And so I... But that's just my opinion. But the truth is, she was not... Thanks were not going well. So she got this opportunity to do a talk show. Yeah.

And she was very gracious about it. She was very grateful for it. And she was very kind to the writers. And then... Oh, good. And that lasted three months. and then we won the Emmy for the show and for the writing staff. Yeah.

And then things changed. Really? Changed very quickly. And as the show got more successful, things changed even more. It was that quickly. Was that noticeable? Yeah. And I know you're not inside her head, but did that come from a place of empowerment

or did that come from a place, do you think, hey, we've hit this milestone. I want to protect it. So I'm going to be more aggressive to make sure we keep building on this. Or was it just a pure, do you think, power trip, like ego thing? I can't talk to that. I can just say my experience was that it became less pleasant over time. And after two years, it was time to go. Interesting.

Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, Ellen, I've always thought she was a really great stand-up comedian. Great. That's why I wanted to write for the show. I was so excited when I heard she had a show. Yeah. And my first television job acting on TV was on her,

Sitcom. No kidding. So she had two sitcoms. She had a sitcom. Her first one was called These Friends of Mine. Uh-huh. And that lasted, I think, about a year and a half. And then Friends came out during that.

And I think the names got kind of freaky, like Friends, These Friends of Mine. And they got canceled. And then they came back with the Ellen DeGeneres sitcom, the one where she came out. Right. So my first acting gig ever was with her, I guess, starred on These Friends. And she was super nice. And so what the reason I'm asking, because when I heard she's kind of taken this kind of arc where people kind of paint her in a bad light now, I was, I was like, oh, that's unfortunate. But if it is unfortunate and she's responsible for it, then that's on her, I guess, right? Yeah. I mean, who knows? Look, we're all born with circumstances. Yeah. And we're also born with a certain genetic makeup. And some people have, were you circumstanced or not? I was I'm uncircumstanced okay yeah which girls think is weird yeah but you just said we're

all born with circumstance and I'm I know I'm not but anyways back to so I so I don't I can't yeah I can't point a finger at her judge her because I don't know what she's been through in her life yeah I just know that my experience there was uh it's not that great well it's interesting you said that because when you do get in a position where you're you're kind of the title person or you've got a thing that you've created or generated. And then all these other forces come at it. Yeah. And I don't know the story behind Ellen or not,

but you do get a sense of you want to rally around what you have and protect it. And when you do have a show or a talk show or whatever or you write a book, there's always people from the outside that want to come in and maybe change it or manipulate it. And I remember I always used to be mad at Roseanne because, you'd hear these stories about her when she had the Roseanne show and how she was so problematic and she was very combative and she was this and that. I thought, girl, you got your own sitcom. But then there came a time where I had my own sitcom and all these forces were coming at the show. And when you're the center of the show, it's like there's people that don't necessarily

are looking out for your best interest. And so you've got to sort of push. push back and be strong and aggressive. So I wondered if maybe that was something Ellen was dealing with. It's tough. I don't think that she felt that there were people that were creatively coming after her in any way. I think she had the full support of the studio and the network and her showrunners. And I think everybody was in line. I don't think that's what it was because I agree with you.

I think that Roseanne replaced a lot of show runners. But when Roseanne got that show, it was her show. and she wasn't like allowed in the writer's room at first. She had to fight her way in. And she had to fight her way into getting the kind of people that were writing the kind of stuff that she wasn't into, but the network said, you have to have this guy. He's the best.

And you get him, he's like, yeah, he was the best at writing a show about this. Right. But this is a show about me. So I know, I've always been on Roseanne's side on that. As Norm MacDonald, who was one of her first writers, was also her writer on the reboot of the show. That's how much he still loved her. Well, you want to hear a funny story with Norm, when Norm and I used to be best buddies back in the day.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. And when Norm, Norm moved down to L.A. a year before I did. Yeah. And Norm was asked by the Roseanne show, they wanted to hire them. And they asked Norm to write an episode of Roseanne. And Norm wasn't a writer. He'd never written anything like that. So he called me up. I was still in trying and goes, hey, man, I got to write an episode. to Roseanne, man. And I go, yeah, and he goes, I don't know how to do it. And I said, you want me to do it for you? And he goes, yeah.

And I'd never written a TV show, but I went in and I studied. And so I wrote the episode. No way. I've still got it. It's called No Man as an Island. And it was an episode where one of Roseanne's kids finds a homeless guy and brings them into the home. That's great.

And so I wrote this episode for Norm, never put my name on. I said, Norm, this is for you. This is, I, he was my buddy. I wanted to help. I said, I hope it works. Handed in. I don't know if that was the catalyst for him getting the job. I don't even know if he handed in.

I don't remember, but I just remember doing that for Norm way back then. Wow, that's amazing. I still got it. I should pull it out one day and read it. It was the first TV script I ever wrote. Really? And I just did it on a whim so I could help my buddy. Yeah.

I love the idea. Yeah, it was a fun episode. episode. But, but yeah, that's what people don't know about like the TV world and shows and sitcoms. There's an element when you're on it, there's a lot of things and people coming at you and you have to protect it. And you also knew at it. You know, it's like, you don't know this world and these people are sharks. They know these waters. Dude, I had a sitcom back in the 90s. I was the star of a sitcom called Simon. Of course. I was Simon and Jason Bateman played my brother. other. And I'd never done this. And I thought, I want this to be great. We had a whole season.

And I said, one day, I said, can we get all the writers in a room for lunch? And we all sit at a table and just kind of go around and meet each other and talk. And it was just the thing about, I thought if we were all communicating, we would have a better show. We could all exchange ideas. So we went around. One guy was from here. One guy, we got to like the fourth girl. And yeah, you know, one guy's like, I used to write on friends. I used to write on Roseanne, I used to write on this. And then we got to this one, and she goes, yeah, I'm a jeweler. And we were like, wait, what? She goes, yeah, my uncle is the showrunner.

I'm going to, wait, you work, have you ever written? She goes, no, I work in a jewelry store, but now I'm a writer. And I just went, holy fuck, this is how this works, right? And I'm not even joking. And she had a good heart. I'm not mocking her. Like in Hollywood, you take it when you can get it. But you could tell this wasn't her world.

And so that, when the light went off, I went, wow, this TV and movies, they're not all pure. No. They start with pure people with ideas, but then all these forces come in, you know. I was a showrunner on this show for this guy. And he was new to TV. So he was really leaning on me to help him. Okay. And so we had to hire a, you know, and it doesn't sound like a big deal,

but the writer's assistant is actually a really important job. Oh, yeah. They really have to be sharp and know what they're doing. Yeah. And I started getting a lot of pressure. The guy whose show it was with a management company. Oh, boy. And that management company was a producer on the show, which is often what happens.

Yeah. And so they then told me that the guy who was the head of the company had a nephew who was going to be the writer's assistant. And I said, well, can you send me his resume? And they said he works in a bakery. Yeah, right beside the jewelry. You're having him from a jewelry store? So I got the resume.

There was nothing on it. And he came in and I mean, it was just like we were there until three in the morning every night because he couldn't type a script and he didn't know how to publish a script so that the network could see it. And the studio could see it and the actors could see. He didn't know any of that stuff. And it was a disaster. Yeah. There's so many people in the chain.

And I hope I don't sound mean, but there's a lot. Not so many, but there's a lot of people in the creative chain that aren't necessarily. necessarily qualified to be there and trip the projects or the creative up. Right. And it's very frustrating. Yeah. Very frustrating. Have you ever been in a position where you've had to cop an attitude or you've been in a,

whether it's being in, you know, doing a stand up show or writing where you've, you've kind of been kind of, you know, and you knew you were doing it, like kind of like putting up the shields and being kind of the guy, but knowing you had to do it just for your own self-preservation almost um yeah i mean i've had like i i had a pilot one time that i was in and it was a then the premise was i was learning a new job this before everybody did this premise but this was a long time ago right i had to and they gave me and it was a field shoot kind of a thing where we'd go out to a supermarket and i would be a supermarket uh worker for the day okay yeah and so so it was a small crew was like you know three cameras and a sound guy and a director yeah

And the producer that they assigned me really had a vision for what the show was. And it was not the same as mine. And was the show your idea? Yeah, it was my idea. Oh, no. That's a recipe for disaster. But I was new to TV, so they gave me this guy. And we really went at it.

We went at it. And at one point, and it was a hidden camera show. So I had these sunglasses, not sunglasses, like prescription glasses. Yeah, with the camera. Yeah. And the thing. And so I didn't realize I was doing this, but I guess I went in and I took a piss with the camera running,

and he released the video as a joke to people. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, it got ugly. Wow. Who won? Because sometimes it's like Roseanne. It's like someone has to bend.

And with Roseanne, it was like she was getting such big ratings that despite her antics, she ended up getting, you know, Tom Arnold's own sitcom. She had that kind of power. So someone wins and someone loses. Or even like renegotiation, like the Simpsons voice actors, they all said, hey, if you don't give us a million each, we're walking. This show's been on 25 years.

We deserve it. And like the Sopranos, they walked away, same with friends. And so someone has to bend. So in your situation, did this guy end up kind of conforming, or did you have to, or did it end somewhere in the middle? I think we did one season, and the show was not renewed. And it was due to the conflict between the two of you, you think? I don't know.

I don't really remember what reason, I mean, whatever reason they give you is never the reason anyway. But in terms of the two of you, in the eyes of the network, like who kind of ended up getting their way more? Well, he did because I didn't know how to edit, and he was doing all the editing. Oh, wow. And the editing is where the editorializing all really happens. Yeah, especially for a hidden camera. show because you're just kind of improvising. Right, right.

Wow, bro. Yeah. Yeah, it's tricky. The reason I like talking, a lot of people don't know about all the sort of political maneuvering and all the different players behind the scenes in a TV show. You just turn it on and there it is. But they don't realize the drama behind the scenes. What do you think of the best TV shows about the making of a TV show that have ever been done?

I think the Larry Saunders one. Oh, yeah, yeah. Is that the one with... It's, yeah, Larry Sanders. Yeah, Larry Sanders was amazing. I think that was the best. Yeah. Because I don't love behind the scene stuff.

Like I... The 30 Rock, I thought, had its moments, but it never really jelled completely as a show. Yeah. And I think what happens, too, is all this stuff we're talking about as I said off the beginning, a lot of people don't know about this world. So I find whenever I see a movie, or a TV show that's about behind the curtain, the average person can't relate to it.

Right. We can relate to it. Like, we connect to it. It's like, oh, my God, you can see the humor. You can see the drama. But the average, what? The assistant director didn't go to the writer's assistant and the prop master didn't go to the gaffer.

Like, like, and I also think it sort of, it opens the veil and kind of ruins the magic a little bit too. There's a show that did a pretty good job of it. It was a British show. called episodes. Okay. That was excellent. Yeah.

It's on, I can't remember what channel it's on, but I highly recommend episodes. It's about a British... Which episode would you recommend of episodes? Just the first one. The first episode of episodes. They really should just call it episodes. Just one. Yeah.

So it wasn't just one episode is all you need of episodes. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever had an episode on a bus or on a public place? Like just a total flip out? I used to masturbate. on the school bus. Let me guess.

You probably did it. There's that one seat that's over the back wheel with the hump and you'd wait until you hit a pothole and just woo-hoo. And that was the moment. I try to time it so that my trajectory plus the bus bouncing would send it all the way to the back row. Yeah. Because that's where my friend Tommy sat.

Do you ever hit the bus driver in the back of the head and cause an accident? Once. Yeah. I knew it. Yeah. There's always that one guy. him yeah yeah i would sit back there and uh you know i would on the ride home in the afternoons

were there are the other kids knew what you were doing or was it the bus would be pretty empty okay is you and the driver just kenny he was the driver and in the mornings i used to sit up front and we would talk about muscle cars he was really into collecting old mustangs i can't imagine driving a car that's made out of mollusks i mean that's got to be i mean if you hit something it would be, I guess you could absorb the impact because it's so gooey. Yeah. But why you'd want to drive a mullusk car? It's a Mustang.

A must, oh, okay. It's a, it's a Ford. It's a type of a horse. Oh, God. What about a Pinto? Slower. Yeah, remember the Ford Pinto? Sure.

I wonder if a Ford Pinto and a Ford Mustang collided. Would they just start humping each other? Or would they go up on their back wheels and do wheelies around each other? Yeah. Yeah. Is the Pinto the one that used to blow up or was that the pacer? Remember there was one if you hit it from behind it would blow up? I think it was the pacer.

It had the bubble windows. John Denver drove one in that movie, Oh God. Did it blow up? Yeah, and used to blow up. The gas tank was like right behind the back bumper. It was a horrible design. Oh, God. Yeah, it was like the most futuristic looking car that there ever was.

It was also a death trap. So here's the future you're going to die. Well, buddy, are you ready for words from a wooden shoe? Yeah, of course. I think you got that look in your eye that you're ready for it. Well, you kind of have to shake it out and do some ujai breath. We did it. You know how it goes.

We let you pull a word out of a wooden clog. and uh and then you uh you uh see if there's a story or a moment from your life that comes from the word have at her bud here we go i'm going to go on the toe oh there we go what do we got i figured you'd hide a doozy back there in the toe yeah yeah you never know what's in the toe it says jam i'm in a laugh something you found oh something i found okay oh here we go when i was in college. I was a freshman. I went to college in Boston. So you just got out of the shower? And so I'm walking down the street. I just showered. Because you were a freshman. Oh, got it. There you go. All right. I didn't say you were a staleman. And so I'm walking along and then I see a wallet

in the middle of the side wall. Oh, you found a wallet. I pick up the, I pick up the wallet. And I, and I I go, I was like, I, you know, raised Catholic. I was raised to be a good young man. And so I went back to the dorm. And back then there was like, you know, the guy, his ID was in there. And I think I must have called like the campus directory where they would put you through to people's dorms. Okay. And so I rang his room and I said, hey, I found your wallet.

And he said, oh my God, that's amazing. I let me come get it. And it was money in it. And I left the money in it. Do you remember how much? Because when you're a kid, when you're in college, college, like 70 bucks is three weeks ago, groceries. Yeah, it wasn't that much, but it was like 25.

Okay. It was like 22, maybe. Yeah. And so the guy came over to my dorm room, and I gave him the wallet, and he was like, thank you very much. And then he kept thanking me, and then he kept hanging around, and he kept inviting me to a meeting that, do I want to go to this meeting with him? Are you Christian?

I said, yeah, I'm Christian. So then he targeted me as somebody who did a good deed. And so I must be, you know, open to Jesus and his message and his love. And you want to share this with me. And so he invited me to this. And he would call me all the time. And then I finally said, you know, all right, I'll go to the meeting. And I don't know why.

I mean, I just, I almost just wanted to get him off my back by just going to one meeting. You didn't find a wallet. You found Jehovah's Witness. That was bait. Yeah. That was bait. Do you think so? Oh, yeah.

Interesting. Interesting. That guy just dropped it. Whoever picks this up, we're transforming them. Wow. And so I went to the meeting, and I'm glad I did because it was a girl there, and I remember she was like a strawberry blonde, and she was beautiful. Her name was Aaron, which was my wife's name.

And I started talking to her, and we went out afterwards, and then I ended up having sex with her the next time I saw her. And then the guy called me and he asked me if I had had sex with Aaron. And I was like, well, that's not really any of your business. And he goes, well, you know, it's really not cool that you come to the meetings and you, and suddenly I was like a sinner. And I was defiling his Bible group. And then the girl never called me again.

She wouldn't return my calls. And then he stopped calling me. Yeah. Weird. But the important thing in this, find a wallet, get laid. Yes. That's the real moral of the story. Something good, do something good and something good will happen to you.

Yeah, you return to wallet and you got double dutch. Yep. I've never understood the term strawberry blonde, though, because strawberries are completely red. They're as red as this. Yeah. So how are they blonde? How are you blonde and completely red as a strawberry?

That's like saying I'm red-headed black. Yeah. Something doesn't work. Yeah, or midnight blue. Yeah. It's not blue at midnight. It's black, yeah. You just can't say black anymore.

Oh, that's it. Yeah. But you can say strawberry. You can, yeah, right, right. Doesn't seem fair. No, it doesn't seem fair. You can make fun of the fruits, but not the blacks. Right.

What about gay blacks? No, thanks. I'm straight. I mean, just one? No. I'm busy. I checked my schedule. I'm busy for the rest of my life.

Okay, wow. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah, right till the end. Yeah. I'm going to smoke myself. And then I'm going to, who's going to give your eulogy when you die? Who would you like to give it?

I think I'd like my urologist. To give your eulogy? Sure. Sounds like he's already in the zone. He would just talk about your urine? My, my, uh, what's, my ureth track yeah right you know why not right if you've already got the title i know um buddy before we go thank you again fits dog radio mug look at that thank you for uh putting it on the desk yeah i love it

and before we go would you tell the uh the good folks on the harland highway podcast about your uh stand-up comedy schedule your your your books your your instagram all the stuff you need to know to follow this hilarious gentleman well what's fun The fun is I got a nice little tour coming up here this spring. So I'm going to be going to, let's see, I'm going to be April 1st. I'm going to be at a theater in St. Louis. I forget what it's called. St. Louisville.

Why don't we just say that and let everyone else figure it out? Then Louisville the week after that. And then Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut the week after that. Oh, that's a fun place. And then I will be in Oxnard the week after that at the improv. Yeah, yeah. Is it Levity Live? Yeah, it's a beautiful club.

It's right up the road. And you know what they grow out there, which is odd? It's strawberry country. I'm not even joking. Really? They have strawberry festivals out there. It's all flat. It's in like a basin just before you get to the ocean and it's like strawberry country.

That sounds amazing. I get there early and pick up a couple of gross. Oh, I said blondes. You said what? Gross. Oh, fat blondes, like gross ones? Right. Yeah.

They're fun too. Kind of like frozen manatees, but defrosted. Okay, we got to get out of here now. Let's play the team music. Ladies and gentlemen, Greg Fitzsimmons, check them out here on the Harlan Highway on his social media. What is it, Instagram? Greg Fitzsimmons on Instagram and Fitz-Dog Radio is the podcast.

Yeah, check it out. Cheers to Fitz-Dog Radio. Cheers to you, my friend. You want to do it, cheers. May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows your dad. You said it wrong. I thought it was before you're gone. I know, but that seems to be like something the devil would say.

And now I'm feeling a little weirded out. Yeah. Like, are you him? It just felt darker to say dead than gone. Are you the devil? Devilish. Egg.