The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #55 - CAROLINE RHEA, Comedian, Actor, Writer, Friendly Witch.

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

Super fun and sassy Caroline Rhea drops by with witchy stories and lost in the desert truamas. And lot's of laughing! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We got lost in the desert for two days. Two full days? I thought we were going to die. God. I know. And at night, all the animals came out. So we, like, ran up the hill to get out of the animal, to get away. And we...

Yeah, you don't want to be surrounded by gay animals. There are no signs anywhere when you're lost in the desert. And there's like a 40-mile expanse. No signs. Well, there's not supposed to be a sign when you're lost. Well, there's supposed to be, like, you're at mile eight. So you wanted a sign that said you are fucked. Maybe it was a total of 29 hours.

We were gone. So it was just a day now. 29 hours? Was it just an afternoon? It wasn't just an afternoon, nor was it a movie. Seems like it's getting shorter. Oh, wow. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Do you want cans or no? You don't have to. It's a total yellow doctor feel good. God. I brought my cans. Whoa, and they're purple.

Purple cans are always, it's like they're fresh in season. Wow, get the grackleberry pie. Mama's coming home for Corn Fest. Shh. Oh, God. Heaven, help us. We might have to have an exorcism on your chest. Good Lord.

Oh, my God, you are hilarious. Lunatic, a hilarious lunatic. Hey, there we go. Can you hear ye self? Do you like Shakespeare talk? Can you hear ye self? Or would you rather just say, And though I loved you well, I would you not.

And yet, good faith, I wish myself a man or that we women could act as others do. Yeah, I can iambic pentameter. All the world is a stage, and all the men and women only players. Merely players. Well, it's my podcast. Wow, I just got crackle-buried titi pied right out of the gate. God, man. I better play the theme music.

The Lord. Here we go. Well, now, that's right. We're here on the Harland Highway podcast. And I have a very special guest. And I have a victim. A victim. It's just like people that accidentally hide.

What do you call it? Oh, all the words are gone. Hitchhiker. Thank you. It's like your guests are just hitchhikers that you captured on the Harland Highway. Wait, you forgot the word hitchhiker? No, it's really bad. What is?

Oh, my. God. We didn't even talk about one topic yet, and apparently it's already really bad. What a name of Julius Caesar salad is going on around here. Look on your face. The panic. You honestly couldn't remember the word for a hitchhiker? Yeah. No, apparently. Like there's only one word in the English language that, involves an actual physical accompaniment. It's like hitchhiker, right?

I could see if you forgot like lotus or cardboard, but this one you actually have to do a bit of work, and you forgot it. Oh, my God. Sweet, lemon tar. It could have been thumbs up. I could have been doing an emoji. Oh, yeah.

Do you use emojis? You don't look like you do. You do. Do you? You know what? It's so sad. They're like hieroglyphics. I don't understand them.

and then I get sent them. There's not a text that I get from someone who's under 40 that I understand what it is. I just show it to my daughter and I go, I don't know what any of those words mean. Some of them are so blatantly misspelled. It drives me crazy. Wait, the words? Yeah, the words. Then there's a bunch of emojis and I'm like, I spent an hour and then I googled,

what does the potato emoji mean? And he was just trying to say potato potato. I was putting a lot of meaning into it. I was like, is this related to an eggplant? Is this a seasonal? thing. You don't use them, do you? Just angry owls, I would imagine. Just the eggplant one. Because I love parmesan. It's not sexual. I just love a good eggplant parmesan. So, hey, see you at five. Eggplant Parmesan. Oh my God. Are you going to barf? Barf me a river cry, baby.

Oh, my God. You just make me laugh. You're so ridiculous. This is going to be a really interesting pocket. Me laughing hysterically and you speaking whatever language it is you speak. Did you do your hair? It looks nice. Yeah, it's a plugs, hair plugs from Sweden. I get the, well, if you're going to laugh, I might shake some. You know, it's good, though, when you get the hair plugs from Sweden, you know all the words to all the Abba songs when they're implanted. Oh, Abba. You know what Abba is. The winner takes it all. The winter takes it all. The hitchhiker takes the fall. Oh, oh, God, hieroglyphic throat. Didn't you say hieroglyphic earlier?

Nutcake. Oh, did someone order a nutloaf? God. Oh, my God, what's happening here? but somehow when you walked in here and we locked eyes whereas we used to do in high school locked curly fries. Remember? You knew right of... I went to all-girls school. I did not lock fries with anyone.

You went to an all-girls school? Yes, I was captain of the virginity team. And my mother was the coach. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Where did you go to? What did you go to? I went to an all-boys school. Of course you did. Yeah, was yours a boarding school? I went to boarding school for one year while my parents got divorced to make it more traumatizing. So you had to sleep over and everything? Which boarding school did you go to? I went to a place called Pickering College.

You went to Pickering College? Yeah. Isn't that for criminals? Well, we don't have to add that little part. I think that's evidence. I called it Pick My Nose College instead of Pickering College. Of course you did. Wait.

From what age did you go there? I went from grade seven to eight, nine. No. Grade five to grade. grade nine. So like 13, 14, 15, the hair years, if you know what I mean. First of all, 15? Who's 13 in grade five?

Me? Wow. Okay. Yeah. Usually 11, but that's right? No, it's. Wait, what, break it down. You're 11 in grade five.

I am. Or even 10. What school did you go to Numbersville? Where did you go to school? I went to the study school for curls in Montreal. study the study the study was it was it traumatizing being in a boarding school i wasn't at boarding school there that was just a day school i went to the master school in dobs fair in new york and that was very traumatized in new york yeah there were 13 like there were 11 girls on each like quadrant so

there were 44 girls and 36 of them had divorced parents and the people who took care of us was a minister and his wife and no one's ever fought louder in a more terrifying way every single night than the proctors it was scary you could hear it through the drywall yeah it was awful how did you like yours it was weird it's it's like you're you're you're you're thrown in with like a hundred and fifty other boys you ever watch the discovery channel and see like the hyenas like fighting and you're figuring out the pecking order that's what boarding schools and what were you did you get beaten up a lot well here's what here's what's great so our boarding school was on a farm was run by quakers oh yeah are you I thought, I seriously, when you said pre-creen college, all I could think was that you were

supposed to become a farmer there, right? Yeah. So we had two farms on the, they had all this acreage and then this big boarding school run by Quakers. So we got our milk from one of the farms. I never liked milk, but the milk was so fresh, right? So when I got there, I was a pipsqueak. I was this high and guys would like pound on me. And then by the time, time I got to my final year, I'd grown to like six foot two. I drank all the milk. And then I was pounding on the guys that were wailing on me. I grew bigger than them. How about that little twist of fate? Why did you go to boarding school? Well, because I was bored.

I don't know. That's a mystery mind. My parents just decided to send me. Do you have brothers and sisters? Four sisters. Oh, they wanted you out of the house. I think so. Are you the baby? Middle. I like the Oreo.

You ever have an Oreo cookie? Never. Okay. Well, I was the creamy kid. Okay. Never had a cookie in my life. You will. But yeah, I got sent there as a creamy middle-like kid.

It was weird. I remember my mom wanted me to go to boarding school in Toronto at Havergall. what it was called? I wasn't from Toronto. And I was the biggest goody two shoes, but I didn't want to go to the sporting school. So I said, because I just didn't want to leave my mother.

So we were on a tour and I said, are you allowed to smoke in your room? And my mother was like, oh, why would you say that? You've never smoked in your life. Why would you ever? She said,

wow. Yeah, I know. It was a, that was like the naughtiest thing I probably ever did in my life. Smoking. Just, no, lying and saying that I was going to, I've never even smoked a cigarette in my life. You haven't?

I've had to smoke in movies, and every time they make them out of marshmallows, and I'm in this serious scene, and I'm like, I want a piece of chocolate, and I want a graham cracker right now. It's very smeary. Isn't that what they're called? Wow. Hitchakers love them. That's, that's kind of cool smoking a marshmallow.

I don't know a lot of people. I wonder if that's what fatty smoke. What are you smoking there, chubby? Oh, a marshmallow and a fucking cupcake. Imagine just seeing a fatty standing on a bus corner smoking a Pepperidge Farm Cupcake. Just too soon. Folks, by the way, Caroline Ray is here. Come on, let's skip the one.

We got a Caroline Ray is here. on the Harland Highway podcast. We never play it twice, but for you, we do. And comedian, actress, writer, what haven't you done? What's your favorite thing you've done, do you think, out of everything? You know what? Okay, this is my 34th year of stand-up. It is?

Yeah. I mean, I took off when my daughter was born. Yeah. I had 10 years where I didn't, like, go on the road, but I still did it. Yeah. And now, ever since, like, after I was, during COVID, I got so depressed because for, I'm sure you're, like, I'm sure you're, like this too but like for stand-up for me because it's like how I process my life it's just like a

giant therapy yeah like I just have to talk about everything yeah yeah what did you do during COVID just stay in the back cave I just I just like I just hung out I walked around I've like you know grew blueberries in the garden just like stupid stuff like nothing nothing of any accomplishment at all just mentored from the fifth dimension type of garbage I I wish I, yeah, I didn't do anything. What is your favorite science fiction movie? Oh, wow. Is that your genre of choice?

I love the first Blade Runner. Yeah, never saw it. You didn't? No. Why? I don't know. I just never saw it. Oh, it's great.

What's your favorite movie? Uh, I really love Citizen Kane. You know, the oldie? Yeah. Citizen Kane. I love that movie. I love Blame. Blade Runner. I love altered states. Do you know that movie, Altered States?

Yes, but I can't remember. It's an old with William Hurt was in it. Okay. This guy that goes in one of those sleep chambers, the salt chambers, and he has flashbacks, and he de-evolves and becomes a, like a primate, like a caveman. Well, that's that, now I see the appeal to you. Yeah, unbelievable. You're a bit of a primate caveman.

That's true. I am. And when you take a girl in. a date what's your go-to date let's see whatever i'll google whatever the closest to arbys is and that she's getting roast beef or she's going the hell home either you put the roast beef on an onion bun in your mouth child

you go home smelly i like smelly girls i once dated a girl that smelled like greek salad if you've ever done that i well i have a baby with someone who smells like The Greek sale. Oh, really? Yeah. Really? You had a baby with a Greek?

Yeah. He's half Greek. No way. Yeah. Constantinos Christos, Fisilis, Conomopoulos. Wow. Yeah, the whole Greek part. And you know what?

When we were naming our daughter or supposed to name her after his father who had passed away, which was Fisillis. And I go, the only way I'm naming my child Facilis is if her middle name is Diller. Or is Phyllis. But Phyllis will go, ha! Remember how she laughed? Okay, who's your first TV influence? Like when you watch, when you were a kid, you're like, I'm going to do that.

I'm going to be him, I'm going to be her. I don't think I wanted to be anyone, but I loved, I loved watching. Like, I was always like I want to do my own thing. Which you have. I'll watch people, but I tried not to be influenced by them because I thought, you know, these guys had to, and girls had to cut their teeth. teeth on something right right like let's say go way back buster keaton um laurel and hardy charlie chaplain well they had no one to watch right right so they just had to do they just had to follow their instincts to do comedy

and acting right so they had no point of reference right so it's only people like us who live now they go what's your influence what's your reference and and so i always thought just try and find your own voice it's fun to watch other people but try not to be influenced by them i think i can say that anyone who's ever seen you would agree that you are a complete and total original is that right yeah so i did it no you completely did it there's no there's only there's only one you that can you know call a woman cinnamon pancake can and the whole audience it's just cinnamon pancake Whenever you're, yeah. Do you think a movie or a TV show has ever captured what you really do?

Oh, wow. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to be better. to make your life easy. They offer discreet shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy,

all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your best. back out what's the closest representation of who you actually are besides your hilariousness on stage when you're live because you make magic happen you're like you you do the impossible

you take absolutely nothing and make it something now you do you just yeah you do oh thanks i i don't know me i'm sorry i think women what like people that you've called names in the audience, but they're not neat. It's like, going with something like, what about you, long-tooth, Wolfie Betty or something?

Papa don't preach tits. Coal-sla-Twatt? Come on. All your really pretty ones. Those are from your porn. What now? Cool-slot-watt-watt? Wow.

Thank you. The only porno filmed in a diner. Wow, porno for vegetarians, starring Johnny Carrot Stick. No meat. God bless. Just four-pice. God, God bless you dinner number five. God.

Wow. All right, so I want to jump in here because, you know, you played a witch in Sabrina, right? Aunt Hildeguard, or what was her name? Hildegard was my first. formal name it was just hilda and hilda so people i got asked right out of the gate you're not a witch right i identify as a witch you do a white witch a white witch a wickin no just like a caliac like old school scottish witch what's a caliac those were like the witches from you know the old times of scotland really yeah like psychics and intuitives and healers i like that kind of witchiness and you have that

right i do because you knew i was a scorpio right away you're such a blatant scorpio you Really? Yes. I guess. But how do you? It's a type of masculinity. It is? Yeah.

It is. See, you have a type. It's not that type. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. It's not this type. No, that's furry bear. Yeah.

No, that's more like a tourist type. Maybe to you it's not that type, but maybe to me it is that type. Maybe I'm a hairy Scorpio Beosh. Scoring around in the desert. Looking for some kangaroo rat beef. Because daddy wants to eat succulent tonight, child. Okay, I'm going to put the water away. It's a terrible idea.

The poisonous drink, that was also a bad choice. I'm going to break my water away. Now wait. Are you cereal? that you're like identify as a cloviac or whatever the hell you said. I have sure to say that I identify as a cloviac. What is you say? They don't sell as well as the ones that say I identify as a witch.

What was the, what is the cloveyak? What was the name you said? Witch. No, you said you were a Scottish cloviac. I know. I said keeliac. Kiliak. Okay.

Well, that sounds like someone in the terminally award to me. Gosh. It's actually Kaliak. Kaliak. A Cloviak sounds like that show when we were kids, and it was on, and they were dinosaurs, remember? Oh, yeah. Billy's got a dinosaur or whatever. What was the name of it?

It wasn't that. Wally. Wally's got a Bronto. Is that what it was? No, it wasn't that. Stinky's got a stegosaurus. Stinkies. Victor has a Veloceraptor.

That was what it was. Velociraptor or Veliciraptor? No, thanks. I'm straight. Oh, my God. You know what? I don't do drugs, but I can imagine what it's like to be high

is just being here with you. That's how people must feel. Wait, you've never done the D's? I've never done the D's. Ever. I've done. one edible once because I thought it was a, I thought it was a gummy bear. Oh, was it actually a gummy bear?

Yeah, but it was a drug-filled gummy bear. It was a, and this was the entire, how I felt. I just was like this. What? Are you talking or am I talking? Oh. What about now? I had no idea.

Are you a big druggy person? No. No, I've never, I don't drink it, don't you drugs? Wow, good for you. Yeah, very, very into fudge. You love fudge? Wow, vanilla or maple walnut? Laura Seagord.

Oh, yeah. Manila fudge cup. Laura Seacord. Where was your family when they shipped you off to boarding school? Excuse you? To Brazil. I didn't go to Brazil? What did you say?

God. My family ate it me so much. They sent me to a tropical rainforest to get eaten by acronids. Wait. Oh. Be eaten by. Acronyms. Acronyms.

Wow. Wow. Where was your family? Where are you from in Canada? Toronto. Oh, you are? You're from Toronto. But guess what?

I'm half French Canadian. Because you're from Quebec, right? I am, and I'm 0% French Canadian, but. Huh? What do you mean? I'm 100% English. I have no, yeah. You lived in Quebec, though?

Yeah, I mean, I can speak French. Fluent? Only in the present tense. That's all I can remember from high school. I had a tent here. I'd get in it and we could talk. I don't think. You said in a present.

Tents. Oh. Wow. And you were worried about my word thing. We're getting your hearing check as soon as this is over. The papillon on the table in the window, Mange the Cheveau?

Yes. The butterfly on the table eats the hair. Wow. Yeah. Power drop. Wow, you nailed it. Oh my God, that's your nonsense speak, even in another language. That is so impressed.

The lottobus on the bonbon with the cheval in the coal. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, now the anana. The school bus with the candy are driving horses to the bananas or pineapple? Pineapple. Pineapple.

Wow, you're hot. the trot get the diarrhea pills out and don't even eat them wow just keep it all in and go to fudge down all right so wait has anyone gotten through any questions with you how many how many episodes have you done of it sorry look I got to because I was trying to get there with the with the story sorry with the which thing okay but is that for real you're a cracking

or whatever the hell you're not a cracking what did you say it's so rude i'm a crack what was it caliac is that for real yes they're the descendants scottish descendants of witchies and now i got asked is there any evil connotation around because people think of witches as the occult and casting spells and we can cast a spell and not have it not be evil really yeah i don't have any evil you know what when we were on sabrina we were like good witches and then we got asked to do the scary version yeah the chilling adventures Yeah, yeah. And I don't know if you've ever done this as an actor.

But when I get a script, I don't always read the stage directions. Yeah, yeah. And then we got there and it said, at the end, Hilda and Zelda, eat two people. Whoa. And I'm like, oh, no, no, I'm not eating anybody. I didn't read this. So two Canadian extras had to eat a lot of people covered in grape jelly. Ew.

Gross. So, yeah. No, I don't believe in the evil. I just think in like, it's like mysticism. It's like the stuff you can't see. Don't you believe in the stuff you can't see? I do, I do. But this is the real deal.

This isn't even a gag. No. I didn't know that. See, I just said that. And I didn't think there'd be like a real connection, but you really are a McFly or whatever the hell they are. McCrick. McNuggets.

Whatever the hell you said you are. Wait, can we do? I identify it as a McNugget. Wow. Will you do a... It worked once, nor never again. What were you like in school besides these horrible boys beating you? I mean, could you actually...

Don't forget I beat them after. I know, you beat them after. I grew up and got them back. Right. But like, what were you like in a classroom? I was just kind of, kind of look around. I'd watch and listen, and I'd just kind of... And then be like, ooh, ooh.

Yeah, that's about it. I'd look for an opportunity to get in. I was kind of like a sniper. You know, there's the class clown. Right. So the class clown would drop their jam, and then I'd kind of wait and come in behind as the sniper and try to top it or find something else.

You know what I mean? And didn't they, didn't it work every time? He usually worked, yeah. And where'd you go after grade 10? Then I went to Catholic school. Can you believe it? No. Yeah.

What were they thinking? What did your parents do? Well, what didn't they do? Were they wealthy? Uh, they did all right. I mean, my dad was a Farley Moat wouldn't be happy about this, but my dad was a seal clubber. You ever see those little white seals out on the ice packs? Mm-hmm.

My old man would walk right up to him and slant. Well, if you're going to laugh, maybe this isn't the forum for you. I mean, trying to tell you about a little baby white seal getting clubbed in the head and you're just giggling away like a pair of diapers blowing in dolly part and fucking laundry basket. Good God. Someone get me a steamroller and flatten out my teeth. Your father did not do that.

And I'm the only person in the world who would get a Farley Moet reference. I knew you would. Did you know Gordon Pinson just died? Finally. No, I'm kidding. Worst obituary writer ever, you. Gordon Pinchot. Just everyone, finally.

Already thought they were dead. Seriously. Those are just your standards for obituary. Gordon Pinson's most famous Canadian actor. I'm assuming the people on the highway are from Canada. I saw him on, I saw him once going to Porta Potty. Someone ran up and put a sticker on the door and said, Do not enter.

Gordon Pinchuan is inside. Too soon. Wait. Why am I drinking water? Wait, I want to ask, can we do a spell? Yeah, what kind of a spell? Can you do them for real? Well, no, I'm not going to do it like right here.

It's not like an eye of Newton, toe of tiger. Can I do one? I mean, if I wanted to turn someone into a frog, I have a spell I wrote out my cinnamon journal. Can I, would that be okay? I'd love to hear it. Oh, man, I was hoping you would. But I didn't know you were for real a witch.

Oh, my God, you really have a cinnamon journal. That's what I said. You just pulled it out. You know what? You should do a remake of, um, what? Finnegan and, you know, the friendly giant. Oh, remember that?

Wow, talk about early. Tiny chairs. Talk about friendly pedophile. Jesus. Okay, ready? I want to read. I want to do a spell. Okay.

Is it directed towards? Well, the first one's just a generic spell. Okay. Let me try it. Intergalactic, I-N-T-E-R, G-A-L-A-C-T-I-C, intergalactic. That's the first spell, but that's a traditional one. That's it? Well, I just spelled a word.

Oh. God, tuberculosis eyes. Oh, oh. Good Lord. But this is a spell, and since you're a, you can, you can. What was it like being married? Was she also certifiable? Ask my uncle.

That's who I'm married. My dirty, hairy, smelly uncle. All right. Now, this is a spell where, do you know these ones where you could turn someone into a frog? That's kind of a basic one, right? That's a basic one, yeah. Prince to frog, yeah. Can I read it to you?

Okay. Ready? Ready? Here we go. I hope you have no sponsors because you're all going to quit after today. This is if you want to turn someone into a frog. I think I got it. Wait, wait.

How does it happen? Okay. Ready? Focus, come on. Okay, hocus pocus. Here it is dumble blumps, rummy dubs on a dark moonless night, Toad-twats, snot goblins, crab claws delight, Salamander anuses, psorias' clumps,

Boris Gump's skid marks, bumble-de-clumps, A pinch of placenta from a fat stinky fetus. Hazelnut soup and Barry Manilose penis. Bubble and boil like a fart in a tub. Sniff your dad's gums. Cargle some scum. Twirl on Willie Nelson's toilet. And blast out a log.

Sniff priest's gums. No, you're a frog. Is that right? Sniffer priest's gums? God. What do you think? I think the fact that you wrote it down. And I know that that was just like freestyle.

You didn't even have to work on that. It just came out. Well, it's a spell. How has it been working? Well, that's the first time I've ever tried it. But I wanted to check in with you. See if it was too legit to quit type of thing. I can't do this.

I can't. You keep flapping. but I ain't stopping. You can flap all you want, child. Oh, my God. Yeah, I think that would do it. I think that would turn someone into a frog. But do you think there's...

Can you read that on stage tonight? Yeah. Okay. Oh, are we doing a show tonight? Aren't you always doing a show tonight? I'm doing a show tonight. Where are you? At the Laugh Factory.

Okay, I'm at the comedy store. I'm there the next... I'm on Friday and Saturday. Me too. Oh, good. Do you want me to read it on stage? Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

I will. We'll go on stage. together. Okay. I'll read it on stage. But do you think there's really like dark forces and like, do you think there's darkness? Does that freak you out? Do you, do you believe in that stuff, like occult and dark, scary stuff? I don't think about the dark part, but yeah, I'm sure there are. There are people who are intentionally using energy for goodness. Yeah. And then intentionally using energy for darkness. Yeah. Have you ever met someone that just emanated, like radiated darkness, like sort of scared you? Yes, but you can feel it on instantly.

and then you're just like, oh, get away from them. Right, but was it ever someone that just was almost like a, like kind of a, really, tell them, what, what was it? I have, but tell me. No, tell me who yours was. Wait, why are you turning it around? Because I'm trying to remember which one mine was. Do you have, your ears is like on purpose.

Now, I've felt people that are like, yeah, they just have a dark, dark energy to them. Yeah. It's weird. You just really can feel it. It's like palpable, especially because we're empaths, right? We read an audience. We can feel an entire. group of people and where to go and it's only on occasion where you go to somebody and try to

them that they shut it down most people are pretty porous you can like go in and like they think we're all geniuses that we can you just you can read a person yeah especially after 34 years of talking to them yeah you know who's going to react well in the audience and who's not I had a guy the other day oh my god he like shut me down and said something horrible I haven't had this happen in like years what was it I can't remember it was like I was like oh like it like it was like a personal comment and like hurt my feelings and then And his friend came, and you could just feel it in the room. Like the audience was like sort of, like, this is my, this is, this is my magic part, okay?

Yeah, yeah, good. I like just elevating an audience to be in a happier place they were than when they got there. That's it. That's it. Well, it's not like I'm trying to, what am I trying to, like, that's it. I'm just trying to get better at what I do. Yeah, yeah. I'm just going to do this forever, right?

But do you use, do you use like, I don't know, I think I know the, but do you use a bit of an energy forced to do it or is it all through here? Do you like project? Through my boobs right there. Well, if that's what we want to call it, yeah, give them a, give the audience of boo. Don't you think everybody has like an aura and then they're projecting it? I do, but some people, I don't know if all comedians tap into it on stage. No, they don't.

And you can tell the ones that do and don't. That's what I'm saying. The ones that you're doing jazz, the one that you're like playing. It's like your little ball of energy, right? And you're like playing with people and then shifting it. and then you're creating something that wasn't there when you got on stage. You are the king of that. But that's what I mean.

Do you feel that in here when you go out? Because I feel like some comedians go out and it's just sort of like almost like a cardboard cutout. And then there's other comedians where you can almost feel that energy. And I feel like you put that out. Yeah, I do. I think you do too. You know who really created something out of nothing the other day?

Yeah. Kirk Fox. Oh, yeah. He's a genius. He's great. He was so hilarious. What did he do? Like you mean it was a bit and he did.

But you just saw it. It was so, like, that to me is pure comedy. And, like, I've never been a comic that can go up and just, first of all, I don't remember every single one of my jokes. I probably have, what do you think? Like, how many hours of material are in your head right now? Like, over all the years? Yeah.

Oh, probably like, a hundred? Really? A hundred hours of comedy. Like over, we've been doing a what? No, no, but like a pure material. Like, I probably have four hours of material that I could do, that I could pick from. Okay. Okay. I probably have more than that, but, but yeah.

Yeah. So you know what's in there, right? Yeah. But the interesting thing is to get up and have that, like, like the energy ball. That's the interesting thing about doing standout. Yeah, yeah. Like every time I did the Tonight Show recently, it was the hardest thing in the world for me to just do jokes. Why? Because I wanted to connect with them and create something like, like I followed Winston Duke and he was wrestling with Jimmy.

So I wanted to go out on stage and say, I want to wrestle with Winston Duke. just wanted to make it present. Yeah, right. Because that's the magic of comedy. It's not going to happen in that minute. Yeah. Because for whatever reason, like this friend of mine on the weekend, we were at this show, and he sang, and it was so beautiful.

He's spontaneously saying. Yeah, yeah. But then we watched the video and it was like, it was good, but it was nothing like what it was like. Yeah, yeah. And that's what stand-up is supposed to be. That's why I love that original room at the comedy story. That's it.

It's supposed to be that like something's going to happen in these next 20 minutes. It's not going to happen anywhere else and you're never going to really be able to explain it. Yeah, yeah. You're going to be shifted somehow by having been a part of it. Yeah. It's funny. Some comedians, too, you'll see them and they're so good live.

Yeah. And then you'll see them on camera and they're just, it doesn't translate. I know. It's weird. Not all of them, but some, it's just like, it's weird. I just think whatever it is, it's that like intangible magic. Yeah. But there are some comics that they just get up and they, they're great, but they just

do the same thing over and over and over again. It's just a different kind of energy. I think there's like ones that are like, organic like you can't help yourself there's no really any other career you could have other than doing this yeah but how do people describe you like what are adjectives when people say harlan williams is coming to town because i'm like i get a lot of he's a genius he's like male model is more no never ever thought of that one nope okay more postman and um no but like how do they describe because i think that's even hard to describe you i don't even uh pay attention

to that. Oh, I don't either. I don't like to be described. I just like to show up and be there and be that, that energy field that we talked about. And I don't like, I don't even listen to that stuff. It's, you know, in Benedict Cumberbatch when he's got that. Yeah, Dr. Strange. Yeah, that's it. It's like that. It's like that. And then you're like, can it be? That type of thing? Oh, double dutch, he goes to the park and gets fucking run over by a fucking John boy lawnmower.

Wow, unbelievable. I wasn't expecting that. Yeah. That was impressive. Well, that was sort of the energy thing we were talking about. I was like, why am I seeing his side teeth? And then I saw what was happening. Yeah.

Thank God you have them. My teeth? The side teeth. Speaking of local yokels, are you a dining room guy? What does that mean? Okay, I saw one of these shows once, you know, where you people, the real estate shows. Oh, yeah. You know, flip this house.

or my daughter's got broccoli teeth or whatever they're called, right? I love I've got my daughter's got broccoli teeth. That's my favorite. So I saw one show where it was like... Shape shifter. That's what we are. We are? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's a good term. Yeah. But there was this one real estate showers about these people that... I feel like you could also really do the sound effect of a spaceship landing. Yeah? Yeah. Huh? Who's the Kaliak now?

That was really good. Yeah? Yeah. You want to try it or? No, it's going to sound like I have like emphysema or something. Yeah, probably messing. salethiomia yeah great um all my work around coal i didn't know what it is messa misocialoma no what's it can wait one second what other sound effects can you do everything anything throw one at me you know what

i did a special years ago with michael winslow oh yeah and my mother said oh good lord that man in his sounds they're unbearable oh unbearable yeah he didn't like them oh it was so loud yeah he can do a electric guitars, anything. But what sound do you want? I'll see if I can do it. A chicken being electrocuted. Sure. That type of thing?

All right. How many vaults? You didn't really specify. That was really good. Thanks. And then you did what? Mine just spilled water. You're sprayed.

But I was watching this show, right? It was a real estate show. And it was like these people that won a lottery and won money, right? Yeah. So now they got to go and they got all this money and they want to buy a rich place. Right. So now you got this guy who's the host of the show, really flamboyant, like real estate guy,

could be gay or could just be overly effeminate, right? But just, and he's into everything, you know, these real estate, oh, look at the marble counters, look at the faucets, look at the recessed ceilings, you know, that type of thing. So these people, one, they were Canadian people and they're just like kind of local yokels, you know? like just good old fashioned house of going hay type of people and the guy's in the house and he's getting all excited about everything and they're just kind of looking like it's a fucking house right and then he goes to them he goes are you folks dining room people like this right and then they

cut to the dining room and they're just standing there like uh yeah i guess like it's a dining like to them it was just a dining room right but to the this flamboyant. guy it was like everything and have you ever had to run in with like a local yokel where you have a crazy story is that what that question was yeah i was i was doing a series in shreveport here we go yeah in shreveport louisiana yeah caging country um and my dad was dying at the time and i was really like in this like i had to work all day and then at night i was just like i can't think about anything and i would sit and gamble and i would pretend that that I was from there, and nobody knew who I was.

And there was a guy, and he had one tooth. He was the sweetest guy. And I said, what do you do? He goes, Arise and show pigs. That's what he did. And then I said, that's what I do, too. And then we had a long talk about showing pigs. Really?

At the state fair. He believed it? Yeah, because I had listened to other people talk about it. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, that was a good one. One tooth? One tooth. Where was it?

Was it an incisor, a canine, a molar? It was one of the front ones. So that would be the incisor. No, that's not your incisor. That's your front face. Your incisor's a sharp one. No, that's the canine. Oh.

Okay, well. I think that's the incisor. Wow, someone's having an enamel regret over there. I mean, someone snapped at me real hard, real fast, like a deep bayou snapping to a boy. I mean, you rose up out of the bio real quick and snapped me. What would that sound like? Here, I'm the turtle. And then the alligator comes by.

God. Sarsagator. Oh, God. I've ever seen the movie Super Gator? Super Gator? No. It's a Roger Corman movie. No, what is it?

What happens? It's just a movie in which this alligator kills people, but the alligator appears to be in a different film. It's really funny. And it's a Harvey Corman film? Roger Corman. Oh. Roger Corman's made 500 movies. Harvey Corman was on Cairwell.

Yeah. What was you, did you ever meet anybody? When I met Harvey Corman and, oh, I used to play poker with. Did you ever? Yeah. You met Harvey Corman? Yeah. And I would cry, and he goes, don't cry.

All the kids cry when they meet me. And I'm like, do they really? You bet so much to me. I've had kids cry when they meet me. It's sort of, it's incredibly sweet. Yeah. You've probably made a lot of kids cry when they meet you. Lord love a leprecha.

When you took over for Mr. Dressup, that was terrifying years with that little, hmm, and the candy. Whoa, Candy Cornomania over here. Were you, were a gambler? You were, you like playing poker and your, I do. I'm really good at, I, I, I, I, Yeah, I'm good at games. You know, I purposely never learned to play poker. Because you would have spent the rest of your life doing it.

I had opportunities where they wanted to, like, give me some chips as a, you know, it's for a charity game. Yeah. And I said, I can't learn this game. Because you'll be obsessed. I'll be obsessed. So how does it go with you? You learn something and then you become obsessed with it, right?

Yeah, like Blackjack. When I learned Blackjack. I won Celebrity Blackjack. You did? Yeah. I beat all the Baldwin brothers. How much did you win? I won $100,000 for charity.

And then they put me in the real world series of Blackjack with the people who like, and I won 18 hands in a row, but I didn't know how to bet. Or I would have won the whole thing. I didn't know how to like progressively bet. You want 18 hands in a row? 18 hands in a row. In Blackjack? Yeah.

That's extremely rare. I know. It was crazy. So what you didn't? And I was like the guy beside me was from Poland and invented like options and futures and things like that. But you didn't know how to double down and split eights and all that. I didn't know how to increase my bet. that I kept, you know.

Oh. Yeah. So I was like, oh, I've won a thousand dollars. Here's 20 cents more. You know, like I don't know how to do that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Do you, are you obsessed with Blackjack?

I was. I used to, I used to go out of my way to play it. And then I got completely bored with it. And now I'll do a gig at a casino and I won't sit down once. I know, it's boring. You know what? But then the other day I was doing, I was playing Vegas and I sat down and I won like, I was like using my intuition.

Like, I won. about $4,000 in a slot machine. Wow. In about 20 minutes. What do you mean your intuition? My intuition. Well, that's a weird, like lizard noise. That's not intuition.

That's like a Komodo dragon sucking down a creamsicle at 7-11 after it shut down about four hours ago. Lady Marmalade. Good God. You can only call me Lady Marmalade from now on. Queen of Cinnamon Toast is done with. Wait. I need to know that.

I need to hear that. I need the dragon. I need the, what is it? It's Komoto. The D or Camono? What is it? No, kimono is what you wear when you're at an all night salt bath house.

Oh, good. Okay. Well, you would know that. And then Camoto. Dragon, it's who's in the salt bath with you. Come on. You better hope not tire your lips. It's a Komodo dress.

They're the biggest. I've been there. I've been to the Komoto Islands and seen them. Oh, yeah. Where are they? They're in Indonesia. They're off the coast of Indonesia. They only live on three islands and two of them you can go to.

And one of them's like a nature reserve. You're not allowed to go there. And they're like living dinners. These are lizards that are nine, 12 feet long. They can chase down a human, kill you, eat you, tear you apart. They're pretty cool. And why did you want to? go there. I wanted to be in the presence.

You know why? I'll tell you. This is the nature of a Scorpio. Yeah. A Scorpio wants to be as scared as possible and goes close to the edge of death and then like go under the ground and then at the last minute come up for air if they want to get. Yes. That's your nature. That is sort of true. That is sort of true.

I think that's... Who goes to an island full of Comodo dragons? That's like the worst travel agent in the world that sends you there. But who did you go with? Well, it was the nude part. So that's what really got. me there. The nude Komodo.

The nude beach on Komodo Dragon Island is very popular. Wow. And most of the men when they leave look like Ken dolls. Have you ever been to Guantanamo Bay? Oh, thanks. I'm busy for the rest of my life. I get this text message. Do you want to do a show in Guantanamo Bay?

I said for which side. Whoa. So they fly in, you fly in, you have to go. But when, before you do it for the troops. Yeah. And as just as you're leaving, the guy says to me, as I get on the cargo plane with the other people, and fly around, so it's three and a half hours

because you can't be in no fly zone here. What? And he goes, there are a couple of lizards. And I said, what did he say? And then he's like, as he's leaving, like the lizards are big on the island. We're like separate. Did you say they're giant lizards?

You arrive. It's Jurassic Park. They're the biggest, everywhere, the biggest lizards I've ever seen. I didn't know if, how big? Would they be there too? No, because Catanamo Bay is Cuba, right? Yeah. No.

Well, what are those? Those are probably monitor lizards, I'm guessing. I'm just guessing. No, I don't think there were something else. Gila lizards. No, Gila's live out in the desert of Arizona. I don't know. Okay, you would love this.

My dad lived in Tucson. And so I lived in Tucson. I went to the University of Arizona for a couple of years. Studying. Acting. Yeah, I know. Didn't work. Okay.

So my best friend... Did you graduate? No. Okay. I went to four different schools. You should have acted like you graduated. I did. It's my joke.

Everyone always asked me to you have a BA, of course, don't you? And I have a big ass, so why like? Good night, everybody. Okay. So I was in the desert with my best friend. friend we were hiking okay we were supposed to be in san diego and instead we changed it and we started hiking at like eight i was training for a triathlon so i was like i want to do a five hour hike and then be done wow and you did this one you were eight no no i did this when i was like

19 or 20 okay we got lost in the desert for two days two full days two full days because how many nights two nights i thought we were going to die if i hadn't been in if we hadn't been in if we hadn't really good shape we would have died the amount of animals we saw that could have killed us like what oh like at one point we were like we we were down by the wall everything looked like in the desert right yeah like it just all blends in we were about to jump off a cliff and kill ourselves we didn't even realize because we thought that would get us down to the parking like we we we walked 22 miles what yeah in circles yeah and we at one point I took my shoes off because we were down by the water where the animals were

and I stepped completely flat on a saguaro cactus. I had like a full, and in my hands I had swarro cactuses. I had, I've got pictures of me just like thousands. God. I know. Anyway, so at one point. Did you have water? No.

My best friend and I are like hugging each other because the desert goes to like 20 degrees from 80 degrees. It's freezing. Yeah. And I remember I was wearing this sweatshirt that said Kennebunk Port and we put our heads through both of it. We were like to push me to you. Should I have maybe a sweatshirt that said,

was stupid. She should have. Yeah. And at night, all the animals came out. So we, like, ran up the hill to get out of the animal, to get away. Yeah, you don't want to be surrounded by gay animals. I actually would. Okay, so it's completely flat.

Yeah. And then a cliff. So we were up against this edge of this cliff. And there were animals that came up to us all night. And there was, like, a ringtail raccoon that eyes this big that came out in the night. That was, like, right up to our face that, you know, carry, like, rabbi. Oh, God. Yeah.

What would that have sounded like? Like that, maybe? Maybe one that had just eaten a chipmunk and it was choking to dad. I would think he more like, like a high pitch. Wow. But yours was gutterol and gassing. This one had a deviated septum. And it's hard to fix it in the desert.

Very few bloods surgeon in those hills. Yeah. Yeah. And then one time. as we were walking up this hill, I, like, dislodged a rock and hit it right into my best friend's chest. Like, almost killed her.

She had, like, a huge gash. And then the next day, we were like, we thought we were going to die. We, like, we had no water. We couldn't. And we somehow, we saw a person. And we were so Canadian. Yeah.

When we saw the person that we were like, we, she was like this. I'm going to, I hate you so much. I can't believe it took me on this. I'm like, she was so mad at me. And we saw a person. And we were like, hi i'm sorry excuse me do you have any water

we were like yeah glug glug there was backwash anyway and then we had to walk 12 miles with her who was this

barefoot and she was literally like picking a flower she was like la la la i'll never forget she was like 40 years old and she had braces. On her legs? No. On her teeth. Oh.

My God. This is what it's like to do, ayahuasca. I'm almost positive. I feel like someone's going to come in and go. Wait, you didn't tell her that you were lost? No, we said, we've been lost. So then we walked 12 miles. But she just took her sweet flower pick and time.

No, she was like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. And everyone we ran into, we were like, I'm sorry. could we have some water and then we would go wow it was a scallop in the bottom of that one or scorpions oh my god wow that's harrowing it was it was terrifying it was terrifying and nobody was looking for us because they all thought we were in san diego whoa and then i still had the strength after two days to write the angriest letter to the forest ranger over the there are no signs anywhere when you're lost in the desert and there's like a 40 mile expanse no signs well there's not supposed to be a sign when you're lost well there's supposed to be like you're at mile eight you're at

mile 2000 you're fucked you were totally lost there's going to be a giant dragon attacking you like there's something there's no signage so you wanted a sign that said you are fucked Yeah, and then when we were walking, first of all, we stood on like a little baby cactus and we thought that was so hilarious that we had stood on one. Yeah. And we were singing the theme song to Gilligan's Island. Three hour hike. Yeah, two hours later, two days later. What did you?

And we were just covered in like poisonous stuff. Yeah. Where did you sleep? Calendula, by the way, if you ever have to have draw out. Caligula? No, not collicula. Caledula. What's that mean?

It's like from flowers and you put it on and then the thorns pop out. Oh, really? Oh, it's awful. Literally. I should have brought pictures. I didn't know we were going to talk about this. Well, where did you sleep, though? On the rocks.

Just away from the water. On the ground. Maybe it was a total of 29 hours. We were gone. So it was just a day now. 29 hours? Yeah. It's a Chinese New Year day.

Well, then, yeah, that's all it was. Maybe. Maybe 45 hours. I don't know. Was it just an afternoon? It wasn't just an afternoon, nor was it a movie. Seems like it's getting shorter. Oh, wow.

You'd be lost in the desert for 36 to 29 hours and tell me how you feel. I have to go home now. Do you feel ill? I feel a little ill. Do you have any other questions about my magical powers or things I've done? Look at your little baby face. Who was your first girlfriend? Who's the first girl you ever kissed and what was your first concert?

Those are my questions for you. Holy crap. I got to go on your. podcast. Yeah, who was the first girl you ever kissed? Oh, God. The first girl I ever kissed was probably, like, in grade two or three. I remember being, I can actually remember this.

I was probably, I was probably in grade two or three. I'm out in the hallway. Mm-hmm. And there's this girl, you know, from my class sitting beside me. And back then I had, I just was like, I still remember this. I go, does your mother kiss you? She was like, yeah. And I go, does your father kiss you?

And she goes, yeah. And I go, can I kiss you? She goes, yeah. And I kissed her on the cheek. That was my, I think that was my first kiss. I still remember it. Wow. What was her name?

At least her first name, you got to remember. Dave? No, I don't remember her name. Peter, it was Peter. She was a cute little girl, and I don't remember. Can I kiss you? Is that how you lead into it now? Does your mother kiss you?

No. Does your father kiss you? No. Can I kiss you? Does Harvey Weinstein kiss you? Can I kiss you? That's your Hollywood version of this. Does Woody Allen kiss you?

Does Harvey Weinstein kiss you? What was the first concert you ever went to? Screws you? Oh, really? Yeah, what was it? The Osmond's. Donnie Osmond and his brothers. Yeah.

Seriously? Yeah. Where were you? you in Toronto no one's ever answered that yeah I mean they that that was have there be their answer I was a little kid my dad got these free tickets so me and my two older sisters went he sent us I bet they were amazing they were amazing it was like at the peak of their fame and I still remember puppy love yeah and they called it puppy love yeah and I still remember and you can sing that's what she said but I remember Donnie Osman

and had one of those puffy kind of hats on, you know, sort of the puffy hats with the rail back in the 70s. Oh, yeah, they were huge. And I remember he took it off in the middle of a song and he flung it out into the crowd like a frisbee and this girl just jumped up and kind of sucked her belly and caught it like a quarterback kid. Like, I'll never, it's burned him and she's like,

she caught this Donnie Osmond hat. And sometimes they were like multicolored. Yeah, that's right. It was like that funky kind of. Yeah. And she just like, right in the. old bread basket. I still remember her back was arched like a cat.

She went home, man. She went home with a Donnie Osmond hat. That's like being picked to be on like the ice capades when you got to go in the little ride. That's like a big as it gets. All right. Last thing we got to do before you go. Okay.

We do this thing I do called words. Okay. From a wooden shoe. Oh my God. And you reach him. There's a bunch of words in here. You can't look. Pull a word out.

See if it sparks a memory or a story. And then that's what we're going to go out on. I really feel like. What's your word say from a wooden Dutch clog? Scream. Oh, wow. Okay. So when I was,

I never had like a great relationship with my dad until I was an adult. Okay. Like he was just, we just didn't, it was not a natural. We didn't get along that well. I was really, really got along with my mother, but my dad, I don't know. Okay. an adult great but yeah and um we were staying at this really old house in vermont and my

sisters my i've got two older sisters and they loved terrifying me right so we were we were in this creepy bathroom and somehow my sister came in and scared me while i was in the tub and i was like i am going to get revenge okay so i waited because i knew they were going to come into the bathroom too so there was like a scary like old wooden doors like an old farmhouse yeah and i got a crowbar and I was standing there, and when she got in the tub, I was going to put, like, just poke the crowbar out and scare the crap out of my sister, right? But instead, I was standing there waiting,

and my father walked in and immediately sat in the toilet that was in the front of me with his, like, you know how your dads would go in with, like, novels, like a James Carey novel or whatever, right? Or Stephen King. Exactly, and I was like, I'm like, oh, no, Daddy. And, like, I didn't want to give up my hiding place. Yeah.

And my dad was already on the toilet, but I was like, I also didn't want to see it like in your face. I didn't want to see anything. So I was like there with my eyes closed looking like this. And then my father was obviously just like sitting in the toilet. And then he like opened the door. And his daughter, they just really get along with his standing there with a crowbar.

And that scream is a scream. I will never forget in my life. It was, it was loud and silent. It was like, ooh! Just terror. And I was like, oh my god wait he screamed or you screamed he screamed he screamed he screamed i was like some psychopath you know with a crowbar i bet that's the best flushing out of his system he's ever had

it was like a colonoscopy scream it really was i'm sure everybody tells that story when they get scream out of the wooden shoe though right sure they do yeah well before we go please tell the gang where they can see you tell them about your social media anything you want to plug, come on. Isn't it the worst part of being a comedian? What? I mean, I want everybody to come see me. Yeah.

But I hate self-promotion so much. No, no. Are you a good self-promoter? Yeah. Okay. You know what we'll do? It's Caroline Ray, the number four in real. Oh, that's it.

Just interrupt me while I'm telling it. No, because I'm going to make it easy for you. You say it, but I'll move my lips so they'll think I'm endorsing you and you don't have to do it. So I'm going to say. No, no, I'm just giving you what I was going to say. Okay. Give me this one.

You want me to. Okay. One, two, three. No, you have to say it out loud. I know. I know. I panicked. I know you did.

Caroline Ray for real on Instagram. Caroline Ray. com in the worldwide web. Arland. You are a dreamboat. And you sound like a bee dancing at a country fair. Let's hear it. Bring it a new,

new, new, new, neen, do a ding ding. Yeha! Ladies and gentlemen, Caroline Ray,

that's all we got for today. And that's a rhyme right there going out the back door. Until next time, chicken chameame, baby. Thank you, Caroline. I'm so glad you. She didn't rhyme door with something as I laughed. All right.