The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #56 - ADAM RAY, Comedian, Actor, Podcaster.

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

Adam Ray on his 2nd hilarious appearance. We talk legacy, secrets, AI, and the SHOCKER! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, I can't do it. Wow. Yeah. You just finger fucked your face. I think you just gave yourself the shocker, dude. Are you okay? Hope it clears up that cough. God.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Boobies, farts, boobies. Boobies farts. No need for profanity. You know this is a family show, right? It is now, huh?

The Swiss family Robinson. Hello. Ready, buddy? Let's do it. It's the theme music. Oh, you're going to have a little sample? Sample it like a dirty cheese platter at a Ramada Inn, buddy. Did you hear that?

It's one of the best theme songs in the history of podcasts. Speaking of sampling a cheese platter, A few? Too soon. Is it too soon? I'm going to circle back to it that. Come back to it. Put a pin in that story.

I'm going to put a pin in it and come back to the sample in a cheese platter story. Welcome Adam Ray to the Harland Highway podcast ladies and snorgo Fleurglardarglans. Great to have you here, bud. Great to be here, bud. Fucking just like sweet, tight. I'm going to say ripe and I'm going to say fucking, uh, flip, Philopian. Sure. I don't even know why. Men don't have fallopian tubes, do they? Well, don't cancel me. No, I got a little story about that. You got a flopian tube story?

Yeah. I mean, do you want to hear it? Let's put a pin in it. Okay. No, let's get to it now. Well, here's the thing. I have a secret. Okay. We all have... Garden? Whoa, way too soon. I'm going to have to put a pin in that. We'll come back to it later. My shitty secret garden story. Wow. By the way, a great movie. Is it? Oh, Oh, such a good movie. Not a big garden movie guy. You're not. Garden State I did enjoy, so I guess I'll take that back.

Yeah, you got to take that way back. What was happening in this garden that was so secretive? And let me take a guess. There was a little boy. And yeah, he was probably pretty fat. And his dad had come back from the war and said, hey, I got to tell you something. I brought back some Iraqi Twinkies. And that's code for a new.

mom. Bro, it's a secret. I can't say. You could keep rambling, but I don't break a secret. The first rule of secret garden is don't talk about what happened in the garden. What happens in the garden stays in the garden? Well, okay. The fat boy is in the garden wearing Victoria's secret.

The worst beginning of a clue game ever. Right. And that's all, that's as much as I'm given away. The secret garden involves a little fat boy in lingerie. And it's a real thing. fucking secret. Oh, my God. I watched that movie, yeah.

Was that a puke or a cough? No, I'm just allergic to bad movie trailers. They should be allergic to fat boys and lingerie. So you should be allergic to. That's what she said. Hello. Put a pin in that fat boy. Pop them and just leave the lingerie.

Tellsbury style. Leave the lingerie. Pop the fatty, leave the lingerie tonight at 10. That should be a new game show. Right after Wheel of Fortune, it's Pop the Fatty. on NBC. Hi, I'm Mario Lopez. I don't think that was how he sounds,

but you know how he sounds. Look it up if you don't believe me. Oh, dude. But do you have any secrets? And this is the weirdest question because most people would never, you know, answer it. But is there a secret that maybe you... Sure.

Really? Would you share or is it too top secret? It's a difficult question to ask. A secret, let's define by Webster's dictionary as a hot fatty and lingerie, right? Yeah. But I think truly a secret is something that you haven't told anybody. Right, right.

Right? I think that's... Yeah, it is. That you've... Or you might have told somebody but told them, don't you ever tell anyone else. It's a secret. You could share a secret. Which, by the way, most people, I think it's human instinct to when you're told a secret,

you're already fantasizing about the person's day you're about to make. Yeah. By telling them a little piece of something. It's also because, look, if you're a professional gabber like we are, and you're or you're not actually the i'd say the people who probably gossip more yeah and divulge secrets that aren't theirs more are the people that are like sitting at dinners or wine mixers where they don't feel confident in their conversation skills so then they're just like so somebody's like you know boy oh it's i'm so glad the sun's out

and you're like yeah hope it doesn't hope it doesn't rain again Emily's fucking Matt now. And they're like, what? Yeah, I wasn't supposed to say anything. I think the tip-off would have been the heavy perverted breathing. Okay, I think Emily's fucking everyone with that. It sounded like a St. Bernard getting date raped by a can of sour cream and onion pringles, man. Sounds like alien fucking Donald Duck in a Denny's bathroom.

Now, I would watch that. I would watch that. What was that breathing? I don't know. That's the guy who's nervous to, you know, familiarize himself. Who knows that to breathe? Like, would you study glory hole at DeVry or something? What the hell?

That's a guy who's not as confident in his, you know, social maneuvers. God, Darth Vader whacking off in a laundry hamper. That was him coming. It just goes up just a little bit. Did I get the job? Shoot, I'm a real wheezy. Adam Ray with ABC talent. Wow.

You should be on Papa Fatty. Oh, shit. Wait, so wait. So what's your secret? My secret. Is there one you would dare share? No pressure. Sure.

Because this might be stuff your family or friends might not even know. I don't know. Man. I got a few. Who doesn't? That's what I mean. Oh, man. This is.

I got one. I would that because when you brought up the whole secret thing, I thought maybe I should share mine. I've never told anyone this, but I'm not ashamed to share it, especially with a bud. Okay, cool. Yeah, especially with a bud and new buds. I mean, I can go first if you want. No, I'll go first. Okay, bushy.

If you really, if you, did you, do you, go, go, is a secret anger guy. Well, here's what's always secret anger guy, Papa Fatty. Sorry, that's, secret, yeah, but that's for secret, that's secret agent man, right? Yeah, is that what you were, uh, parroting? Well, I don't like parrots, but I might have been throwing it. What's your old bit used to do? Oh, Papa Fatty. No, you're fucking crow bit.

Oh, yeah. I used to do a bit. Every bird in the bird kingdom, it's like a beautiful song. It's like, then you get to the crow and it's like, ah! It's like they had a tracheotomy or something. Like, get some throat cancer pills or something.

You're doing the condensed version of it, though, because when you would do it, you would really build out this, like, really sweet, musical, like the birds, It's a crisp morning, you're looking out the window, you know, yeah, yeah. And here comes fucking, ah! Well, that sounded like a construction worker falling off a brand new target being built or something. But close. Finally somebody gets my impressions.

Will you do me a favor? Sure. Go pop a fatty. I like that. That's my new saying, man. It's a really fun, descriptive visual. You came up with a good one. Yeah, that one's coming back, and it's coming in hard.

And it's not going anywhere. Yeah. All right. My secret. Yeah, what is it? I used to work at Albertson, it's the grocery store. Okay. And there's a two-part secret here.

Oh, boy. I'm getting the bra and the panties. When I was 15, I got a hand job from a girl who was 19 and maybe even 20, who worked in the service deli. Yeah. So wait. I think that's not legal. She gave you a hand job.

She gave you a potato salad first. Well, clearly she's familiar with handling meat. We'll be right back. Let's go pop a fatty. So wait, the deli counter girl gave you a hand job. Yeah.

And you were clearly underage. I think 15's underage, right? But I guess as a dude, you're just like, as a dude, you're like, bring it.

I deserve it. it almost right i'm 15 what's the way i can't drive but i you know i can steer my the interesting thing is back then and and when you're a kid i didn't 90 yeah 97 98 i didn't know that like if an older woman like had a fling with me or whatever i didn't my parents never sat me down and said now harland if anyone touches you that's over this age it's illegal like i mean clearly you knew that you couldn't have like a little kid but i didn't know i didn't know about the whole age thing when you're 12, 13 years old, unless your parents tell you, because they didn't tell us at school.

Especially grocery store etiquette. Like my mom was never like, if the service deli lady tries to jiggle your balls, don't let her do it. Because she's got a butcher knife and it ain't going to end well for you. You've already been circumcised, unless you're looking to run it back. I wasn't circumcised. You know what I was? They popped a fatty.

That's what every rabbi says when he does it. I popped. She's a fatty. It's all done if he popped to fatty If the show succeeds so well in the States Does it then go over to Europe And then there's new knockoff versions of Papa Fatty What would that be?

Well, you were doing the Dutch accent right there Right? No, that was the rabbi. Oh. You're Jewish. You should have known. How dare you disgrace your own people? Did you meet my rabbi at my wedding?

I did link your rabbi. He popped the fatty? Am I doing it right? I heard a little bit of the upswing. There is a little bit of the Jewish. How would a Jewish guy say pop the fatty? Pop a fatty. I go older.

If I'm doing a Jew, I do. I do the older, like, I'm going to get some meatloaf. I'm going to get some gefelter fish. And then I'm going to bring it home. We're going to make some brisket. And hopefully, I'll get a fatty and a lingerie, and I'll pop it. I'll pop them. You're doing the full fiddler on the roof, Jewish guy.

Well, that was my intro to the Jewish character was fiddler on the roof. Okay. So get back to, you're in the Albertsons. I'm getting some Macs salad and a tug. But where did this happen? In her car. Oh, so it wasn't in the Albertsons? I mean, it was in the parking lot.

Yeah. Carts were being collected right around us. So you had that clanging, almost like erotic wind chimes? I need it now, too. I need it now to finish the job in 2023. I got conditioned to need it. It's my first one. It's my first one.

I saw a homeless guy the other day rubbing two shopping carts together so hard. He started a campfire. Go on. That's it. I popped a fatty. I saw a homeless guy, under six blankets on Oscar Sunday looking like he was doing

no arm push-ups and then upon further inspection, oh no, he's trying to make the sidewalk come. And he was going to town real hard with a big smile on his face. That's what stood out. Not the dry humping of the sidewalk, but he was like, it was like he knew Brennan Fraser was about to win an Oscar for deep-throding

a bucket of KFC in a fat suit. He was so happy. He was like and he was like, he was like going to that and my wife looks over because I was like, I go, oh, man, And she goes, what? And I go, don't look. She looked.

Saying don't look. You always look. And she was not happy that she looked. Yeah, on the sidewalk. What's what's that game called? Step on a Crack? Fuck your mother's back. That's it.

Yeah. I saw Spider-Man laying some brick the other day. Go on. He was just stuck against the wall, humping it till it fucking bled. I saw a guy. Wow. I saw a guy, no joke dressed as SpongeBob.

And a guy dressed as Jack Sparrow once on Hollywood Boulevard. outside that LA Fitness and we played racquetball it and I'd never seen these two worlds collide so I was just like hell yeah what story could be transpiring where Jack Sparrow and SpongeBob were getting into it

and the guy dressed his sponge bob no joke at the top of his lungs goes God damn it Matt give me my fucking string cheese and I was like is that his catchphrase I haven't seen the show it was awesome yeah I was in a grocery store

on Hollywood Boulevard once no word of a lie I came around an aisle and coming around the other aisle was Superman and Wonder Woman. Oh, my God. Because these people, they stand out on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah, they get hungry.

And they pose with tourists for pictures. So these are real stories. And there I am in like the, you know, the canned goods aisle. And there's Superman and Wonder Woman. Yeah, it's just like hilarious. Asking if they, yeah, asking, you know, Wonder Woman, do I have enough to get, you know, beef and cheddar or should I just get tomato? Yeah.

Do we need, do we need anything else? else for the lasagna tonight baby it's like you know what you're superman fly through the roof of an olive garden and take what you want you're fucking they just they just take donations too they don't uh yeah i'd like to donate to their face with kryptonite pills and watch that guy dry up like a piece of bacon on porky pigs ass god we'll be right back so there i am getting tugged away okay so secret one is a hell a hell a hell hand job in the deli department and i was not comfortable you want you want to act like you've been there before but i was like oh oh oh she's like i haven't even started yet and i was like oh oh oh you know

every kid at that age too when they're getting when they're getting tugged at you sound you don't sound cool you want in my head i was like oh i was like you ever seen a 15 year old weaner before you know and uh i didn't say that i thought that yeah and uh did she know how old you were Great question Probably not If we were to check the tape I looked older I think I've always been a little

Carried myself in a Yeah because you've always Have the stubble sort of thing I started shaving at 12 In sixth grade Yeah She thought you were older Yeah

And even when I was I think pretty tan at that point So like old gals That would have me bag of their groceries Were like What part of Cuba are you from And I was like Right

Right Did you do this though And I hope you did this Take advantage of the old ladies No but you got the deli meat girl Sitting there She works at the deli counter. She's obviously, you guys are engaged in something. You finish, you look her

right in the eyes and say, are we going to see each other again? Because I'm not a piece of meat. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping.

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oh i wish i did oh god god i wish i did where were you you were there for every other hand job after that why couldn't you be there for the first one and then she says everything's meat to me pickle face no she didn't say that she just grab a number next you're like wait second some other guy gets in the car wow you're good of your job you're serving up slod she's a true deli lady right there grab a number and the deli ladies you know uh historically speaking are known to be a little you know you look at chris farley's lunch ladyland people think of the deli gal the cafeteria woman is being kind of an older slubbier sippier just you know just pounding away with beans and broths, you know, but she, man, she was, she was gorgeous.

I had a deli lady once. Go on. In India. A new deli lady? Correct. Worst game show ever. Do me a favor. Put on your seatbelt.

Put on your leg braces. Walk out that door and go pop a fatty. That's the fun game of it. It's getting a big buildup to what you got to do. grab a couple of wine coolers, go down to the hot tub store, get some chlorine, call my stepdad, and tell him to pop a fatty. I don't know if it's a five things. Is it a five-finger discount?

Yeah, it's a fiver. Okay, so the deli. That's the first secret. What's the second secret? So my friend John Chirar, RIP, he worked at Albertsons with me. And we used to steal beer. Okay. But on top of that, there would be no.

nights where I'd be bagging groceries. He'd be checking, you know, a checker. Yeah. Which, by the way, I filled in to be a checker for like maybe two weeks. I didn't even know you played hockey. Go on. So I'm bringing, can I'm bringing, I'm bringing the items through. When you're checking, by the way, it's tough to make small talk.

40 seconds to four minutes, you're just like, hey, chapstick. Yeah, well, you got to keep those lips hydrated. Hey, toaster strudels. I'm more of a pop tar guy. Hey, Lou, what do you do to those pop tarts? later. Paper or plastic. Can you do that again? I just have to add something like you're bagging.

Sure. Hey, chapsid. Yeah, wow. That's, oh, toaster strudels. Nice. Hey, bagel bites. Those are good. The pepperoni kind of my favorite.

Hey, Loub. Wow. I just had to add the sound effect. Yeah. I thought you were going to do a beep. No, you just laid it up for me. I did. Yeah.

And then can you do a fast one? Yeah. Wow, look at this. Eggs, bread, milk, Diet Pepsi, condoms, condoms, butt plugs, scissors. What was the last one? one's butt plugs and scissors go pop a fatty how sharp is that butt plug go plug a fatty go plug a go plug a fatty if you dare okay so wait what was the second of them we didn't even get to the

answer so you were swiping things by the way the let me just say this real quick because now it's drawing my memory the paper the paper plastic question was always so baffling to customers like when I'd be like paper or plastic because you'd see people that would try to like ration with themselves where they'd go like all right well plastic I don't want to I know I shouldn't get a plastic bag

because they'll choke old the dolphins I shouldn't get paper because I believe in trees you know and but you know but also you know I got a lot of bagel bites and I've been doing all my push-ups so the bag clearly will tear on the walk home it was like sir I asked you paper or plastic

I didn't ask can I pick up your kids from home or can I bathe your wife you know, but they were always so confused. Oh, I just, I, I heard Bade the Wife and I kind of went somewhere. Where'd you go? I think I went to pop a fatty town, you know. Can you imagine if somebody asked if they could bathe your wife? I just walked up on the street.

Yeah. Hey, man, bathe your wife for a dollar? Yeah. Yeah. I'd do it. I don't even want a night with your wife in decent proposal style. Remember Robert Redford and to be more? Great movie. I'd want them to do if it was a homeless guy that just walked out.

Can I bathe your wife? I'd say, yeah, if you do it, kitten style. What's that? You know, when a cat just licks, it's, it bays its kitten. Oh, yeah. So you get a homeless guy with three teeth and a corn nibble in his beard, just licking your wife clean. Yeah.

All right, babe. Moment of silence, maybe. For her, yeah, she's not making it through that. Shh. this moment of silence is brought to you by Doritos shh you know you end a moment of silence oh you know

you pop a fatty bingo oh man it's not getting old yet It's not getting old yet. It never will. So John Chirar is working at the checkout stand. Here we go.

And I come through. By the way, the never-ending story. I'm good at this. Yeah. Even never-ending story had an ending. Yeah, right. I love it. So, if you could sip louder next time, that'd be great.

I'm sitting there about to clock out. It's about midnight. And I come through with some deodorant, some French bread, maybe a pie. And what's the last one? Loop. Dunkeroo's. Cissors. Pop.

A fatty. Sorry. Pop a fatty sauce. Yeah. Okay. Keep going. Got some pop of fatty sauce. Yeah.

Oh my God. Are you okay? Yeah. I just smoked some pot last night for the first time in a couple weeks. Holy clam-de. Took a sabbatical. But I'm back on it. So, yeah.

He goes, he goes, all right, deodorant. French bread, Pepsi, toothpaste. He goes, oh, did you want any of these? And he starts grabbing stuff off the, of the other things. And then he goes and he grabs some beer. We have cameras not installed at this point. Yeah, this is like the early 80s.

No, this is 97, 98. Okay. Just no stores have security cameras yet. Yeah, because they still trusted fucking people. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And the world wasn't free for all. It wasn't.

And there was, there were no cell phone cams, I think. And, yeah, 97, 98. No, there were no cell phone cams. No, they weren't even cell phones. No. And so everyone's just kind of, yeah, trusting the honor system. If you did, I did have to chase someone out the store once that was stealing, what were they stealing batteries?

My boss was like, get them. Yeah. And I was just like, what do you want me? Like this, you know, it's batteries. Let's let them go. Yeah, I mean, everyone has the right to a vibrator. That's what, and that's what I said. Yeah.

And then, and then I didn't get them and my boss bought a vibrator. to teach me a lesson and let's just say that was my last day at Albertsons and my first day he still was a good day yeah and I got paid a hundred it was like one of those test things where they go will you watch this show and give us feedback he tried the vibrator out to be like what speed is your favorite I'm doing a you know I digress yeah so John then grabs a bunch of other shit runs it all the way through and um and probably ran me through about I don't know five six hundred dollars worth of stuff that night bagged it all up put it in the car like free yeah we did that a handful of times yeah just so i guess theft but but not just a one-time deal it was we did it quite a few

times where it was just and and we also we felt like we were owned it yeah you deserved it we deserved it yeah you were owed it owed it what did i say you said owned it and you did own it well we did Once you stole it, it was yours. We felt like we were owed it, yeah. We just, because there were no real benefits at working Albertsons. I guess, well, service tell you hand jobs. Yeah, hand jobs and free food. I don't know if it gets any better.

It really doesn't. What do you want, Paris Hilton to run through the wall with a fucking bag of twat juice? Would have been nice. Would have been nice. By the way, Gwyneth Paltrow, if you're listening, from pussy candles to twat juice. Nellie had pimp juice. The Rock's got Zoa.

Hey, Paris Hilton, that's your energy drink. Can you imagine? Take a minute right now and think of a world in a world where Paris Hilton is trying to monopolize and build her brand. She's got lip gloss. She's got clothes. She's a DJ. She's popping fatties.

And here she is coming out with a drink to give kids an extra boost of motivation on the day to day. Hi, guys. I'm Paris Hilton. And we're all struggling with those days where you're like, like, oh, is it Thursday again? Well, time to turn Thursday into Friday with twoschew. It tastes like rubber bands, but it smells like Mountain Dew.

Cut. What? Wow. Yeah. And then, you know. Yeah. How many cases are you buying from Albertsons? I want to give me a fucking palletful.

Get your forklift back up to my house, drop them off from front of the driveways, and then I'm Pop a fucking fatty on the way out, buddy. So thousands of dollars worth of merchandise stolen, yeah. And I felt, also, some of you were like, oh, that's a secret? Yeah, man. Yeah. Thousands of dollars worth of shit. And also at, what, 16, 17, steal it, like, I don't know, stealing anything, you know, was a big deal.

Oh, yeah. And what's interesting about that setup, it was almost like it probably felt like you weren't stealing because you didn't have to hide from anything. It was all in plain sight type of thing. But nobody knows that but John Charrar and maybe a buddy of mine that I told later in life. You're like the original Ocean's 11 almost. Oh, I was George Clooney stealing French bread and chapstick instead of, you know, millions of dollars. My mom, my mom knew that I stole once because I was at Safeway, the grocery store.

I got banned from a QFC. I got banned from a QFC. one actually that we, KFC as a grocery store we went to when we were doing Fleschang in Bellevue at the parlor-a-day. It was that chain of grocery stores. I went there once and I was,

it was one of the 30th, probably the 28th time I've ever gotten really high. And this was freshman year of college, 2001. And I went back to Seattle and a buddy of mine from college was there and his friend, we hung out. I got way too high. I went to the grocery store. I went down the cookie aisle and I opened one bag of cookies

from 30 different bags of cookies. And then I grabbed a thing of French bread and a leader of Pepsi, and I walked, and I, I started walking. Oh, wait, no, I, I bought that, and then two security guards grabbed me, and they're like, do you want to come pay for those cookies? And I was like, oh, shit. And then I just started, I looked at them and I go, I've been having a bad year. And they were like, what?

Took me upstairs. They're like, taking all my info. I'm like, am I going to go to jail? They go. And as I'm saying that, by the way, I'm like, am I going to go to jail? I'm still eating the cookies. The guy was like, stop eating the cookies. He's like, dear God, man, have some restraint.

I was like, sorry, man. He goes, no, you've been cooperative. You're not going to go to jail, but you're probably not coming back to this QFC for a while. And I was like, and I go home, and my mom is holding a letter. And she's like, on the verge of tears. And she goes,

you're stealing bread and Pepsi from grocery stores. I'm working for jobs so we can afford bread. And I was like, I was fucking high. And she didn't know I smoked pot yet. Because I had to tell her, I was like, I'm not a thief. I'm not a Latin. Well, do you have any more stories where it involves a loaf of French bread? I mean, every story.

story tonight. There's a snuck in a French bread reference. What's with you and can't you just get a regular American loaf? You need the long cylindrical whale cock bread? Because they're already buttered, man. Jeez. So fancy. You're the fanciest thief I've ever met.

Thank you. God. Well, let me tell you my secret. All right. I always wanted to have a kid. okay now you know me i don't have kids right or so so you thought so i would oh damn oh oh damn hey dad hi son good to see you bud good to see you it's been a minute i know i wish you was a lot longer so i fucking hate you yeah i should have popped you years ago fatty

Got any game boys? Gay what? God, easy there, fly boy. And seen. And seen. You always wanted kids. What happened? So I always wanted to have a kid, a boy.

Really? Yeah. And you'd crush being a dead. Yeah, I didn't want to adopt because we know how that goes. Sure. Isn't it weird how people, whenever you say adopted, there's always this stigma. There is. So many people always think immediately.

child of a serial killer or where'd you get that from yeah where'd you get that from but it's you know bill clinton was adopted oh yeah well feral was adopted my sister was adopted was she really oh yeah yeah it's it's it's funny the stigma that's attached to adopted though right and it's such a honorable it's a fucking and it's a huge process it's not easy at all to get a kid i mean you know you can't just go into a bag you should be able to should be should be able to should be You should be able to, what, in 20 years? No, in today's society, you should be able to just have a kid wherever you want to get a kid. Yeah, I wasn't, being a fat kid had its advantages.

People were like, were you teased? I was like, yeah, but never abducted because it was too big, too big to steal. Yeah, you just pop the tires of a white van, put them in. That was the original pop of fatty. Wow. Fat kid trying to be stolen. Those tires ain't, they don't have, they can't. carry the fucking cheese that's that are gurgling around that fucking ass.

And when you came out, you were the original Papa Smurf because you were still blue. They did think I was going to be a girl that couldn't see my wiener on the sonogram. I was going to be Rachel Ray. Oh, shoot. Yeah. And I do mean shoot, the baby. You imagine if I was living in Rachel Ray's shadows? Or in Rachel Ray.

There's enough room. Today we're making spaghetti. is on you in four minutes. Boom, it's done. I don't know. I don't do voices. Go ahead. You will.

So, so I, you know, got a little gray in the hair, and I didn't know that a child was in the, in the, in the cards for me, you know. And I don't know if you've been watching the news lately in the last, like, few months or so. Maybe about the last year. Sure. Apparently, men can have babies now. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jr.?

They just said men can give birth. This is what the narrative is on the news. You watch some of these interviews, they're saying, you know, women are, even women, they're being asked point blank, can men have babies? And they're going, yeah. And so, I wasn't aware of it. So I started taking, like, ample supplies of, you know, fertility pills after consulting with my optometrist or whatever. What's a baby doctor called?

OB-G-Y-N. Oh, thanks. I'm straight. Wait, no, but, but, you know, whatever a ballologist or whatever I... Definitely not it. Yeah, keep going. Gargamel. Gargamel.

French brettiage. Gargamelish. Whatever a baby doctor is. Sure. A consultant. A pediatric physician. No, thanks. I'm busy for the rest of my life.

Oh, God. Guy gives two secrets and he wants me to take a vacay with him. So what is a baby doctor called? I don't give them fuck at this point. Fuck them. I was at Albertsons, all right? Fuck it. Oh,

I got a free baby consultation at Albertson. Okay, sounds legit. So I'm on these fertility pills. Good. And dude, I got preggers. And I won't say who the father is, but it was somewhere at a truck stop north of California. roughly Bakersfield area. Sure, yeah.

And, dude, I had a little boy, and it was so interesting because as he got a little older, I was waiting for his first words, and I thought he was going to be like, oh, Daddy, or I love you. And he finally, I looked in his eyes, and he said, I want to be a girl. And this is the world we live in nowadays. So I went through all that trouble to have a boy. You know, I went and got Pregos. Yeah. I had the fertility pills, did all the things you got to do to have a child.

Sure. And I wanted a boy specifically. I got one. And, you know, as soon as it could open its mouth, I want to be a girl. So I got a boy girl. Boy. Wow. That's my secret.

Pretty tight, huh? You know, what's great about that secret is, um... What? Whoa. Father? Oh, God. The deli meat guy's back for second helpings. Great secret, man.

Great secret. But speaking of, of, I was going to see, but it doesn't go in anything. Just speaking of nothing, let me just go to the next topic. I thought I could segue. You thought I could segue. No need for it.

I just came to a wall. Sometimes. So speaking of. Sometimes you used to parkour into some bushes, get up and walk the other way. What's parkour? You know, those kids that would start, it became popular, I'd say about, let's say about 8, 10 years ago. I think it made be pre-bucket challenge, ice bucket challenge. Kids were like jumping, almost like kids that were trying to be like Spider-Man.

They'd, like, jump off a sidewalk onto a, like, staircase. Yeah. More like idiots. Yeah, but then there were some videos of people doing it off of, like, high-rise buildings and stuff. Oh, same. Yeah, bonkers. And if they didn't fall to their death, a lot of them totally injured themselves.

Oh, broke all their bones, clavicles, pubic hairs and ass bone. Everything was shattered. Yeah, there's a bunch of those videos. I don't know if a jackass inspired it, but it was just people, skateboard kids. It just, yeah, it became a fad. It wasn't Jacket. It was just people on, on Instagram and TikTok trying to one up each other and get attention. Yeah.

And it blows my mind, it's like for three seconds of attention, that the whole world population will glaze over in the blink of an eye, you lost the ability to walk. Totally. You broke your spine. You can't walk on one leg. You lost an eye. For what, you idiot?

That's a lack of smarts, I can't understand. But also, yeah, who knows where, what do you think that comes from? Is that a lack of attention or is that like a need for speed? Like, are they adrenaline junkies or were they not, you know, Well, because adrenaline can come from anything. They want to capture that one moment. They want their 15 seconds. Where they're the star and everyone goes,

oh my God, look of that guy. Yeah. But they're not shooting a movie that lands on the Turner Classic Movie Network. They're the blink of an eye for some guy sitting in a subway who's depressed, probably going home to eat a bag of fucking cheese puffs and then hang himself. Oh, that fucking kid did three twists in the air and broke his spine. Goodbye, world. You know what I mean?

Sure, yeah. Like you're not leaving any legacy behind. And not only that kid, but, you know, movie stars and actors have a long career. Yeah. You got three seconds of twirling around on a flagpole with a, you know, bag of fucking Frito's hanging out of your ass. Which is, it's over. It's an impressive feat. Yeah, it is.

But it's just, it's over. I'm not rewatching it over and over again. It doesn't lead to a book deal. Let me ask you, not with that attitude. Well, let me ask you this, leaving a legacy, you said. That's, I, that stood out. Is that, if you're in any business, do you think that should be like your, I don't know, your focus, your intent in trying to be as, you know, skilled at what you're doing is like, you know, Jim Henson, one of my heroes who created them up, it's had this great quote where he's like, I want to leave the world better than when I entered it.

Yeah. I think a legacy. I want my existence to have made the world a better place than when I leave it, basically, which I feel like is a, you know, I'm saying I want to contribute. I want to do something to, and I feel like you definitely did that, obviously, but. Well, I think what a legacy means is that you leave something that sort of resonates in perpetuity, right? It doesn't, like the movie Citizen Kane. It did things that had never been done with film and camera work and script and actually.

what Orson Wells did with Citizen Kane and film historians will go back till the end of time and reference that movie because it's a legacy movie. Right. And in creating that, he created a timeless piece of what he was given, his gifts and his

contribution to filmmaking and what he left for the world to continue to learn from. Because if you watch that movie, even today, it blows most movies out of the water by today's standards. Because it's such a masterpiece. And so without sounding pompous and egotistical on behalf of everyone,

because this is an all-encompassing answer, without a legacy, you're just leaving ghosts behind. And ghosts, you can't see. Ghosts are memories, ghosts are maybes and what-ifs. And it's sort of like that's the thing with stand-up. We do that. It's like you can do five million shows in your lifetime, and half of those could be to soul.

out Manhattan Square Gardens or the Staples Center, whatever. But with no recording of them, they're ghosts. They're gone. And so unless you leave a film special or a movie or a TV show, it just vanishes into the ether. You know what I mean? Like George Carlin and Richard Pryor and Steve Martin and Charlie Chaplin and all the comedy greats didn't have anything on celluloid or video or in the digital space, they'd just be ghosts, you know what I mean? And so these guys like Jerry Lewis and Buster Keaton and all the great comedians leave a legacy behind. And so it sounds egotistical, but legacy is extremely important. And if you don't have that kind of in your head when you make your plan in life, then you're sort of just

kind of putting in time a little bit. Yeah. You're getting away with making a living maybe, and maybe you're having a great show in Seattle that weekend or a great show in New York. But if there's no kid down the road that can pull something off the internet or read a book or see what you did and it's tangible, then you can't really leave a legacy. So it sounds, again, sort of conceded, but I think you've got to want to leave a legacy. And I think these people that do leave one, regardless of whether it's, you're going to leave a legacy. regardless of whether it's their intent or not, somewhere in the back of their head,

they must know it. Oh, yeah. And they must have a drive. You know, even guys like Einstein, with his mathematical equations, must have known he would leave a legacy behind. Sure. I think it's extremely important.

And if it's not in your, if it's not kind of in your box of weapons, then it's almost like, I feel like you're spinning your wheels a little bit. Yeah, I think even a guy like Einstein probably was, hoping that he would, you know, influence people with his way of thinking, right? And go, I want to, anybody, I think, in the creative space is hoping to impact something, right? And have it spawn something else.

Any space, whether it's the medical space, the scientific space. I mean, everything leads to another thing. But I think a legacy is super important. I think that's part of a lot of people's drive. And trust me, you're. lucky if you leave a legacy. A lot of people can be rich or famous or accomplish a lot of things, but to be one of those people that in the future someone types in Charlie Chaplin or Albert Einstein, it's a very, you know, select group that make it to legacy. And some might leave that much

and some, but it's, it's, it's, it's, it's an important thing that maybe we don't think about a lot. And leaving a legacy, I feel like is different than just being famous for, Absolutely. Because, you know, you could have never done stand-up, and you've been fortunate enough, but also created your own good luck and put yourself in a place to take advantage of the opportunities that have come your way.

But it's like your catalog of work on screen is in a place now where everybody, like, living, knows of you because of, like... Of me? Oh, yeah. Oh, I'd say that. Without question. It's very cool that you have things that have, like, even if you just look at your scene in Dumb and Dumber, right? Yeah. That is, that movie is so iconocized in the zeitgeist of comedy culture.

Yeah, it's a legacy movie. 1,000%. Yeah. But you're seen everybody, everybody, and we've talked about us before, and, you know, just the origins of all that and the noise that you made and how it came to be. Yeah. But that is something. that even if you haven't seen the movie, which is a rare group of people,

people, and I've even been in this position where I can't remember where I was, but bringing up and somebody who was a, you know, casual comedy fan, and they knew they knew, Harlan Williams, I see your name, and then they're like, oh, is that? And then as soon as I pull your picture up,

they were like, oh, yeah, and then they started listing all these things. So what I'm saying is that, like, to get to a point to where you're like, universally, if I start crying, universally acknowledged but enjoyed is you've done it in your own way.

It's very cool. Well, I think, thank you. That's a very huge compliment. Oh, yeah. You know it. Thank you. Thank you, man. But I think legacy also plays into more

than just accomplishments. Totally. There's the personal legacy you leave behind that's hopefully attached to the compliments that this was perhaps a kind or giving or loving or, loving person that went with all the acriments and not always, you know, a lot of artists and scientists and people that seem to excel can sometimes be temperamental and have odd, quirky

personality. So sometimes it's not intentional, but, but, you know, you hope someone, you know, like Abraham Lincoln, who leaves a legacy as a, he was a president, but look at the legacy he did, you know, abolishing slavery. Yeah. Like, like it, it, there's, there's, there's, there's, different levels to the legacy but yeah it's uh like Elon Musk is you know looking to change change the game yeah but like maybe let's say and he's done a lot of great stuff but like maybe 10 years from now he's like he's smoking i want to make it so that spaceships are fueled by diarrhea and i think Taco Bell's already done that guy taco who

Taco Bell, my friend. Don't pretend you haven't eaten there because I've seen you in line behind the fatties and I know you popped a few. They call me double-decker for a reason. Why is that? You fuck on a bunk pad? Who told you?

Your wife. She was on the bottom. at least last time what are you smoking by the way shut the fuck off about fingers guys smoking a twizzler I don't know what that was I think it was a mouse's asshole

just never ended Speaking of Elon Musk dude what's your thoughts on AI because now if you go on YouTube he's got this robot coming out Would you do it? Does it scare you? What's AI? I've seen

a lot of AI riffraff out there as far as, you know, Will Sassau just made a full Tom Brady stand-up special through AI. Oh, we did? They took, like, footage and interviews and then stand-up stuff and had AI write a stand-up special as Tom Brady, which is a little terrifying. Was it funny? I haven't listened to it yet. I heard a few actually bits on the Pat McAfee show.

They played it, and it was actually, it sounded like them. Yeah. And it was like, it was, it was too real, I'll say that. Wow. I've, I've heard that. Wait, who delivered the comedy material? Through a Tom Brady voice. Through a Tom Brady voice.

They took interviews, footage, all this stuff. And then, yeah. And then I've heard some AI stuff that, you know, they can now detect tumors and cancer stuff that, that, that, you know. Was that part of the special? Yes. That was how he closed. He said someday, someday. Someday.

It's crazy. Yeah. The robot stuff scares me a little bit. Before we get into that, that's frightening to know, like, let's be honest, as stand-up comedians to write material, you can write this material, and then to find the A-list jokes. Oh, yeah. If people are going to start doing that, how do you fact-check that, I guess?

Well, no, what I'm trying to say is it's not easy to come up with material. comedians rifle through material. Let's say you tell 40 jokes in three months. Three of them might make it to your A list that you then use in your act. Yeah. So what chance do we have if a computer can literally write a new hour of material in 10 minutes? Every 10 minutes.

Yeah. Terrifying. What is that? That's a bit weird to, I've never thought of it until now. It's a tough pill to swallow. It definitely, I don't know if, yeah, I don't know. there's still you still can't I think you can still never replace the like live in the flesh

yeah no you can performance it's why people still want to go back to the movie theater it's why I know they're trying to get this thing going with uh you know headsets and VR watching shows from your home and being able to it's just not the same there might be there's a handful of people that probably don't ever want to leave the house and wear goggles but it's like it's just you know it's scary though before you go on please because you just said what we always say oh there's way you can ever replace it's it's just it's never going to be the same and we both immediately just went oh yeah but in today's world yeah like fast forward to 50 years from now even 30 years you're right I mean I don't want it to be that but I won't be surprised if there is something that's way

better than any human could do that's what's scary yeah you're right like I wouldn't be surprised if there is a some kind of a hologram or a robot that you can press a button and he's five times as funny is Jim Carrey and he's doing backflips on your kitchen counter. Wow. Because of what we as humans have already done, right? So it's like, why wouldn't we, why would you put it past humans to create something better than humans? Well, and then look at, look at the history of comedy from the physicalness of Buster

Keaton to Laurel and Hardy to Jim Carrey, to Jerry Lewis, to, you know, everyone always finds these new nuances and faces. And we go, oh, wow, that's a new kind of avenue for comedy. But what if AI is so in depth and so deep that it can tap into things that we didn't even comprehend we're funny yet? Yeah. Which is what it will because it's artificial intelligence. But you can't replace instincts and timing. I mean, can't?

That's what I'm scared. Can't we? How long till we can't? Oh, man. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like how long? Like here we're saying it definitively.

You can't replace instincts and timing and. But the fuck in the world we live in now. I'm not so sure anymore. We never thought there was going to be cars that could drive themselves, probably, or computers that will just know what sort of porn you're into and pull it up for you. Well, think about it way back when, when movies started, do you think people were sitting there going, one day these are going to be in color, and we're going to be able to hear them talking? Wow. They probably sat there and went, no, how could they make a movie talk? How could it be in color?

And now look at us, man. You know, that's what I mean. Holograms, the hologram of Tupac at Coachella. Well, that's what I'm thinking. I think in one day you're going to have a thing on your remote where you can press it and a hologram of you or me or any comedian. They could watch this podcast in their living room. They could drop on their living room.

And not only that, I won't be surprised if the holograms advance to the point where maybe they're dense. Maybe you can touch them. Maybe you can touch them. And feel us. People like a Patreon, they can pay five bucks a month to like to touch or. Get a dolly hand job. Fresh meat, sir.

Coleslaw with that hand job, sir? What's your favorite? Oh, nice, going into the Dumb and Dumber and Cobb Voice. Do you have a favorite deli item now that we're here? Yeah, the hand job on Rye. How about that? Hand job through a bagel. How about that guy?

That's my favorite hand job, my favorite deli treat. I was just trying to make small talk. But let's fast forward to the robots now, because Tesla's like, they got them now. They're starting to, they're starting to, they're so. sort of limited. They're walking around, but what is limited compared to 50 years ago where we were still using calculators?

Guess what's going to happen at some point? I was on a flight about two weeks ago and my pilot hiccup burped into the microphone, right? Ooh, my bad. He said my bad after he threw up into his mouth. At 10.40 in the morning. This is a pilot, Linda Blair? Close.

Excuse me. Fuck. I think it just popped a fatty. That was a reverse queef. The quefe of England, right? is what that was. I must say. That felt fucking ripe.

That one did. All right then. Go ahead. Please pitch that cartoon. What? The quefe of England. How do I pitch that one? I'm still trying to pitch Papa Faddy.

It's sold. Trust me. Okay. So you're on the plane. Someone's puking in the cockpit. And in my head, I'm thinking, how much longer can humans get away

with this type of stuff to where they don't go? Hey, robots are driving cars. They're testing this. We're doing this. Robot pilots? Would you be okay with it? I would not.

How come? Think about it. Who's more corrupt? Who's more programmed to make a mistake? Who's more program? If a robot, what if, I don't know, I don't know. Human air is based on lack of intelligence. I guess we're already using the robot.

Like, they're using robots to drive the plane, right? Oh, yeah, everything's computerized on the plane. So if you have a robot that knows, but it's just, I guess it's also, yeah, I don't know. it's it's well here's here's what it is it's not it's not being familiar with that experience right so any sort of change like that if i were to board the plane and have the robot go have a good flight there's plenty of diet's bright in the back for you to get do not smoke in the bathroom but if you do i don't eat oh i won't say anything by the way if you smell something funny from the cockpit It's friction from robot sacks.

Sorry, I had to finish it for it. You were hanging like fucking Meryl Streep on the edge of a fucking corn of copia crab cruncher. I wish she was doing there. Well, I just feel like the pilot might come up short with having all his buttons and wires dialed in. And it might cause concern for the rest of the passengers. Well, here's the thing. if we go back to Elon Musk, you know, a few of the Tesla-like cars have malfunctioned

or they have been involved in crashes where all the robotics, all the automation didn't work. And people like, Ah, Elon, see, it doesn't work. But then Elon was, okay, for every time a Tesla malfunctions and somebody dies or gets hurt, you pop a fatty. You pop a fatty and you pop a daddy. But no, what he's saying is he's saying,

for every one that happens to a Tesla, 30,000 of them happen with a human. Oh, wow. Because humans make mistakes. They make miscalculation. So yes, a few of the robots fuck up along the way because of a glitch, but humans glitch way more consistently than a robot. And so I guess what I'm saying is how many plane crashes would we have with a human pilot versus,

but think about it in the last 20 years. years, maybe 15, and these are just the two I can remember, I'll cite three. There was the Alaska airline plane that went down over the coast of California. Apparently, they said there might have been, the pilot might have nosedived it. Wow. There was the guy in Germany just a few years ago that took a full plane into the mountains. Oh, man. There was the guys in 9-11 that drove four planes into the ground and into buildings. Yeah. Now, that all came from a human taking the controls or a human commandeering the controls,

but if you have a locked cockpit and it's full of unless... I don't know if you can say there anymore. Well, I can. I can. My priest told me I can. But anyways, I don't know the answer, but I think when something's automated and programmed only to do one thing. I hear you.

And there's no emotion. There's no, I think... Wow, you're taking emotion out of it. Basically, over time, that becomes a safer experience. Yeah. Wow. You're, yeah, I didn't think about it like that. Because, yeah, the self-driving like Uber's, there were some crashes with that.

But it's like, yeah, well, how many human crashes are there? It's like the leaving cause of death. What would be more at the end of the year? Robot crashes or human crashes. And it would be humans, it would be way more. Now, would they have to start putting robot like, you know, secret shoppers, almost like a robot that's studying the plane and the people. like, I guess robot hijackers.

What if that happened? That's not beyond, that's the thing. That's terrifying. Anything's probable, you know what I mean? They have to get the robot like accustomed to the plane experience, so they have to have a few of them ride, but then like one of the robots like fucking gets up and it's just like, they ran out of toilet paper.

You know what? You don't even need that. You ever not turn your airplane mode on? Oh, yeah. I mean, just don't turn that on. You can probably take control of the jet, you know? That's what's scary because, you could have all this technology sitting up front,

no pilots, automated airplane, and the modern day terrorist instead of a box cutter, he's on his cell phone, and he's a tech guy, and he's just pressing a few buttons and going, fly into the Empire State Building in 20 minutes. Boop. You know?

And then that becomes the whole... Wow. It's all... Wow. It's weird. We're at the edge of a really... wild turning point with AI. And I think I read somewhere recently that Elon must just within the last few days came

out with a statement saying we must put the brakes on AI technology right now because he's, he's at the top of the hill screaming danger, danger. He's not saying stop AI, but what he's saying is let's have checks and balances before we throw it out into the ether. Oh yeah, good call. Right now everyone's, it's just coming out on check. thing, yeah. And it's the hot thing until it totally takes over or changes everything. It's like when fake boobs first became a thing. Everybody wanted them.

Oh, I got to get rid of them. Dogs, people, you know. Yeah. I had a girlfriend who got fake boobs put on her fake boobs. Go on. She had four. She used to, when she, when she motorboat me, it felt like a caterpillar was crawling across my face. A fat, blubbering caterpillar. Four boobs? Four boobs. And that was just at the beginning of the year. By the end of the year, she had an udder. She had a fucking udder on her chest. Do you remember the first time you saw it? We couldn't shower without milk getting everywhere.

Well, you saved money there. Well, and that's where I'm going to stop. Here's the funny thing about four boobs. I don't think there's a dude out there that it would stop. Yeah. Just make them hungrier. Yeah. Just make them hungrier.

Yeah. Now, as a child, maybe. If you're a child and you see four boobs, you're probably like, you're not yet. get conditioned to know that you might enjoy these as an adult. If you're a child and your mother has four boobs, chances are you're a puppy. Okay. You might be a redneck. You might be a puppy.

If your mother has more than four boobs, you might be a puppy. The cleanest foxworthy of all time. If your father cleans his asshole with his tongue, you might be a puppy. If you bark every time there's an Allstate commercial on TV. that takes place at an animal shelter next to a jamba juice at a mall in Wisconsin, you might be a puppy. If you stand up pissing on a fire hydrant outside of Starbucks, you might be a puppy. If cats are the enemy, you might be a puppy.

If your child's, man, you lost it. If shit is your favorite thing to eat morning, noon, and night, you might be a puppy. You might be a German. A puppy. Sorry, dude. Whoa. Someone pop a fatty. Can we pop a fatty?

Someone please. Oh, I can't do it. Wow. Yeah. You just finger fucked your face. I think you just gave yourself the shocker, dude. Are you okay? Hope it clears up that cough.

God. The never-ending shocker. suck my four hairy boobs and a lady great movie you once twice you three times a hoary boob three men and four hairy boobs starring tom sellick was that it yeah we got it we got to end on our favorite um i don't want to end this was the best can i tell a little story please so adam was here like a few weeks ago and yours truly because I'm sort of doing this all by myself. I

fucked up something technically. We recorded a whole podcast. It's wonderful. I'm going to say something though, buddy. And you said it when you came to the studio today. Everything happens for a reason. I think this one is actually way better. The last one was great. Yeah. This one is.

We hit some heavier topics. The laughs were strong. Yeah. I felt more genuine connection. I'll be honest, the first time you felt a little distracted. Yeah. You know, I think you were thinking about popping fatties or rolling fatties. That was the first day I had ever done two back to back. No way. I recorded with Kevin Nielan in the morning and that was intense because we

and so I was saying to two pods in a day is a lot. And I didn't realize it but it sort of it sort of takes a lot of mental energy. Oh yeah. But that being said, it was still a great pod, but I technically something happened with the second. shit happened sometimes by the way too you can check all the uh dots and cross the eyes whatever the saying is but it's uh yeah this one felt this one felt fun oh man what a laugh but what we want to end with buddy is words from a wooden shoe this is an official authentic dutch clog adam can back me up

and what we do is you reach in pull out a word and see if there's an inspires a story or a memory from your life guy i've heard that before oh she said it's going in deep right into the tow jam area. It's not popcorn, dude. Jesus. Don't look at them. Imagine a guy comes in with popcorn shoes. Well, it feel like it right about now.

You want some butter in here? Jesus. What do you got, guy? I need to dinner first. Whoa. What's your word? Sudden death. Oh.

Wow. Whoa. Does that inspire or bring back any thoughts or memories? Sure. So when I was 16. Oh, God, the deli meat girl. She died. How big are you?

Sorry, go ahead. Well, like your four-boob story. Sorry, go ahead. I have a secondary wiener, which I know sounds like a Judy Blume book. Or a Dr. Seuss boy. Let me tell you, Horton heard a lot that day. Here comes the double knockerty-talking her. Okay, sudden death.

That's a serious topic. What do you get? Anything? Well, what sparks my brain when I think that is the first car accident I was ever in that I survived. I've been in like three that were all like near death. And the first one was in Seattle. and I was getting my buddy and I

Adam French who met at the wedding Big Fanny yours he geeked out big time by the way when he knew you were coming and when you met him when you walked up the hill

to the wedding by the way and we talked about this last time real quick Har walks up to the it's a resort there's a golf course right next to the wedding venue and Harlan goes

geez great I've always wanted to get in the fucking head with a golf ball I see love happen everyone dies laughing everyone's excited he's there and then I gave him a shout out

during the post dinner welcome at your wedding and I was like this is great everyone's here Holland came up and I quoted your joke and it crushed I should have let you do it so Adam French is sitting shotgun and we're driving to a movie and we pull up behind our buddy who's also going and we decided to change theaters last minute and Adam French gets out of the car and runs up to tell my buddy we're going to go to this theater instead because again no cell phones and I go and then the light changes from red to green so I go just stay just ride with our buddy Evan so we drive we pull up to the next light and i'm following

close behind them and i don't yield and so i turn left and there's a probably a big i don't know the biggest truck you could think of like think of a of a Hyundai alantra and times it by 10 like a mac truck oh huge yeah 18 wheeler oh yeah big coming right at me and i just free to go into shock and i grab the wheel and i just close my eyes and i i'm still rolling at that point so i just quickly turned it, and instead of hitting me direct on, I was driving an 88 Chevy Spectrum. My mom, you know, somehow it was like 4,000 on this used car a lot. My mom, I think Sally Field Forrest Gumped the guy down to like, you know, a thousand bucks.

And, uh, hey, your mom sure does care about your driving, son. And so I come out, my mom's like, you know, you know, and, um, and she was drinking a power raid. And she, um, and so I'm driving this car to box. Truck hits me, should have just blown the car up. Yeah. T-bones instead of hitting dead on because I turned. the car at the last minute, T-bones, where Adam French would have been, because he would have

been riding shotgun, that guy would have been done. It hits me, all the windows shatter, I'm holding onto the steering wheel. The crunch was insane, and I get rocked back and kind of spin around, and then I, like, holy shit, I'm, like, I'm doing this, and I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I thought I was dead for a minute. Wow. And then I was just like, and then I literally, like, look out and the windows open, and it's in front of an AMPM, and I kid you not, homeless dude, right outside the A&PM goes, man, you got fucked up. And that was the first thing I heard. And I still thought I was dead.

And I was like, is this like, is there an A&PM and a homeless guy in heaven? Like I was so, yeah, so in shock that I was just like, I swear to God, I was just like, is heaven having an A&PM? Probably. And then this guy was maybe down there too and maybe he died or he's like, maybe heaven is just like, you know, a slightly better world. I don't know. Hey, open 24 hours.

A thousand percent. All the sugar you can eat. Yeah, so you got fucked up. And then I get out of the car and I start stumbling around. And he goes, man, and then he started, and then the homeless guy starts to like break it down. He goes, man, you were coming this way. You took a left.

The truck goes, boom. The car fucking car blew up, window shatter. Boom, boom, boom. Everyone, dude, I stopped popping. Someone's popping a fatty in the AMPN bathroom. This guy's, and this, you know, and this guy was, you know. It was like he was doing color, like sports commentator. He was narrating the whole thing.

And he started whatever. And it was just like, and I was hearing him to go off. And then like an ambulance pulled up like out of nowhere. and then I just sit down and then somebody came up and they're like dude you guys sit down the curb you're like that was crazy you're so lucky and um and then I remember uh my buddies being at the theater being like hey where are you and I was like I don't think I'm gonna make the movie and those guys I'm on the phone goes hey man tell your friends you just almost got fucked up man this motherfucker looted death baby and he's just like going off and they're like what's

going on I was like I'm in front of an AMP I fucking just got rammed or whatever and they're like who's that guy in the back I was like I don't know but but we live together now yeah he's your an angel like that. That's my guy, yeah. So that's why I think I'm when I think of sudden death, because that's... You know what's funny? Hearing that story despite, first of all, thank God, you're a lie. That's terrifying. And thank God, Adam French was not that... Oh my God. The light, this is just life though. The, what happened in that moment where we go at the last second, let's go to this theater. Yeah. No phones. Go tell him. Go run up to the car and tell him. Light changes. Light doesn't change because it was momentary. He ran up to the car,

knocked on the window, hey, we're going on the steer. And then it would be like, cool, run back. And light changes. And for me, just go, dude, otherwise, crazy, man. Little fractions of time. My life is so different if that happens. Going right or going left makes the difference.

That's how precious and delicate life is. And you always got to remember that. Thank God. What were you going to say, though? I was going to say, just hearing the story outside of it, you know, I don't know how much you believe in the spirit world or angels or things like that. but even though this guy was sort of crazy, the homeless guy, there's something in my head where, as you're telling it,

I wonder if he was some kind of a spirit that was sitting there that was sort of, not that he helped you in any way, but it's interesting. No, he did help me, I'd say, because he definitely like, it was an immediate, otherwise I'm just listening, I'm just walking around. It brought me back down to, I guess. Right, maybe he was a voice to help pull you back. And to tell me that, like, how much, how crazy it was that I survived that, made me, gave me an immediate like, I'm okay.

almost because I was definitely like floating around like and I'm looking at the car and I'm just like and the girl went to my high school who was driving the truck and she got out of meal he was like sobbing and he was like you fucking bitch learn how to drive bit you know and and uh you know what I just had another thought what if what if this was an inspirational moment for him and he saw life flash before his eyes and and later on when the dust cleared he just went what the fuck am I doing yeah look how look how fleeting life is what finished the story. That guy was Morgan Freeman. Are you serious? Better get busy living or get busy dying. Get rich die trying. 50 cents said that, but I lived that. No, he goes, every AM PM in heaven is open 24 hours.

He goes, he goes, either get busy living or get busy dying. That's what it is. Yeah. And chicken strips are 50 cents each in the AMPM. I'm Morgan Freeman and I approve this message. And this is out of Ray, this is the Harland Highway. Before we go, buddy, tell the gang where they can see you, your website, go see them to stand up and tell them. I'll be at Red Rocks with Jay Farrow and Chelsea Handler, May 10th. I'll be in Atlanta at the punchline, May 18th, the 20th, and then Palm Beach, Chicago, Boston, Portland, Phoenix,

Adam Raycomedy.com for tickets. And my podcast, which Harrah's been on maybe 12 times about last night, check it on iTunes, Spotify, YouTube, and come out and see me and, and, um, Papa Faddy. Good night, everybody. Go see him. Go check out his podcast about last night. Adam's fantastic. Buddy, thank you for being here.

All right. I love you. We did it. Love you. We did it. Let's make sure it works before we say anything. That's it for now, ladies and gentlemen, until next time, chicken chowmaine. And don't forget to what?

Papa Fatty