The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #57 - RYAN SICKLER 2ND VISIT, Comedian, Podcaster.

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

Ryan Sickler and his hilarious 2nd visit to the show. We discuss him almost dying, blood sucking leaches, the Apple takeover, and rename more NFL teams! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you know what happened with the Dalai Lama? Didn't he lick some kids' face? He asked a kid, no. He asked a kid to suck his tongue. Wow. If you ask my four-year-old to suck your tongue, I'm kicking you right in the fucking face while you're down there on those knees. I wish I knew your attitude,

because when I was seven years old, my father took me to Rome to see the Pope. And I'm not kidding, the Pope gave me the shocker. I mean, I kissed his ring, and I get the shocker. And he didn't even ask. At least the... You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show.

Harland Williams. Can I hear your voice, bud? Check, check. I'm with Harlan Williams. Here to laugh and have a good time. I've been looking forward to this for fucking four months. Four months, huh? Wow.

We were supposed to record in January. Yeah, something happened. happened right yeah a little something happened i've talked a lot about it but uh yeah had a health scare i uh went in for a simple back surgery um there was an issue with that went back in to get that fixed getting that fixed had to lay there i have this genetic blood disorder and i end up clotting and almost dying they tell they all tell me it was martin luther king junior day that they tell me i should have died that's what i love about comedians i mean the stuff that comes out of your mouth hilarious.

Don't make me die here, Harlem. There's still a chance. There's still a chance. I've got clots all in my lungs. I didn't know that. They live in you. Did you know that?

They live in you? Like little parasites? They live in your lungs. And your body just naturally gets rid of them over time. The blood thinners are actually to stop any new ones forming because those are the ones that that could fucking kill you. They're in my lungs. I always hear clot. What's it look like?

I didn't know. either and I have a couple fans and I don't know their name but shout out to them. Their husband and whoever you are. There's a husband and wife and they sent me pictures of clot. Yeah. Oh, what do they look like? They look like, oh, don't tell me chicken McNuggets. No.

Okay. Bloody long leeches. Oh, like they look like. Bloodsucking, fucking just blood, black, purple, red, just, but big, but big, like holding them up big. So they're long and they dangle? That's what these look like, like chunks. Are they alive, like cells?

No, they're just clots. They're just clots of blood, tons of it clotting together. But it breaks off so they can go to your brain, lungs, whatever, and kill you. And I'm very, very lucky. And the whole time, you and I are texting, because I'm thinking I'm getting out to do this Super Bowl podcast. I was like, hang in there, Harlan. I'm coming. We were going to do this before the Super Bowl, because last time you were here, we did, like, we renamed half the football.

teams in the NFL and we're going to do it but we're still going to do some today i can't wait this is what i was looking forward to i'm in the hospital looking at teams and thinking of names should we just jump right into it like right away let's do it i mean people are probably waiting we so here's what happened and by the way thank god you're okay everybody Ryan was at death's door he punched door right in the face or he punched death in the face and did you punch the door too or just a bunch of A punch of doors. Punched a lot of the bed. You know what?

Punch the bed a couple times in pain. Didn't know they have an alarm on it. I didn't know. If you, like, violently shake the bed, it's like, and they come running in. I didn't know that because I was in pain. I was like, oh, I punched that fucking thing. Can you imagine if parents did that to their kids going through puberty?

And an alarm. That alarm would go off all night, every night, four or five times when you're punching that old bad. just uppercutting that Sealy mattress Just left hooking that Sealy bang

Beat, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, holy shit. I've been looking for this, dude,

I needed this. All right, let's hit the theme music. Ladies and gentlemen, uh-huh. Well, now that's right. You're on the

Harlan Highway podcast and, uh, praise be to God, my friend Ryan, Sickler is here. He went through holy living hell. It's like you got dragged through the valley of Glendale and back, bro. Yeah, not Glendale, Arizona either, bro. Glendale, California. Dude, but thank God you're here. And before we do anything else, because what more could be a celebration of life

than stand-up comedy? And I want to plug this right off the top because what happens with my podcast, people watch the first three minutes and then just bail. Three. That's all you're good. I get about three, maybe two and a half. All right. So before we just, at the, later on in the show, I want to talk about the making of your special, but to make sure we plug your special, Ryan has a brand new special out on YouTube, right? Yep, on my YouTube.

Oh, lefty son. You know, that's also something that could sit off the mattress alarm. Yeah, the old lefty son. Yeah. Those are one that's really cold outside. This is the guy who died at 42, my father, the asshole that gave me this fucking genetic blood. disorder. So I end up naming this special, just as an honor to him because he introduced me to

comedy and like, it was just an ode to my dad. That's all it was. And then right after that, I shoot it in December. And then I'm, I'm in the hospital. My friend Sam Vollen is just like the dude, took it all over for me. And I'm like, you know, and he's like, hey, and he's so good about details and notes and stuff. And I said, listen, man, you're getting me at the right time, bro. I almost died. Do you think I give a fuck right now? Somebody on YouTube's like, I don't, this is a little cuddy or why you could use a close up here i don't give a fuck right i don't get you're getting the easiest notes pass you've ever gotten on anything you've worked on right now dude seriously dude you the way you said i don't give a fuck i'm going to give you a five second

count because it feels good saying it right i could tell so you said i don't give a fuck I'm going to give you a five count and let that drag for five seconds and you're going to feel like a million bucks this is a five second fuck drag. All right.

Ready? I'll get a good deep breath on this one. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. God damn, Harlem Williams. Right. So much. I think you just killed about eight clots.

Yeah. I think you just fucked some clots. Yeah. I'm like, I need to get up and do that every fucking morning. You know what we should do? Because the Dalai Lama sits there every morning and he goes, oh, we should tell the guy to just go,

fuck. Do you know what happened with the Dalai Lama? Didn't he just lick some kids face? He asked the kid, no, he asked a kid to suck his tongue. Wow. What kind of bad alarm does that set up?

Holy crap. What was on his tongue? It was almost a lot. You're going to make me get sick. What was on his tongue? I mean, clearly he wanted him to taste something. It was not for sexual pleasure in any way.

You know that the Dalai Lama was in the back, like, you know, licking a great popsicle and he had like the purple tongue. He's like, stuck my tongue, boy. Right? no creepy did you see the video

there was a video yeah yeah he had to apologize yeah oh gee apologize ask a four year old boy to suck my tongue well let me tell you something

I don't give a fuck I love the sorry I don't give a fuck here let me go again I don't give a fuck if you're the Dalai Lama if you ask my four year old to suck your tongue

I'm kicking you right in the fucking face while you're down there on those knees. And I'll probably choke you out with that fucking loose garment you wear. You know, I wish I... Who gives a shit who you are? Yeah. Who or what you represent?

You clearly just violated everything by that fucking move right there. I wish I knew your attitude because when I was seven years old, my father took me to Rome to see the Pope. And I'm not kidding. The Pope gave me the shocker. I mean, I kissed his ring and I get the shocker.

And he didn't even ask, at least, at least Dalai Lama asked. You want to suck my tongue boy? God, I don't, your answer clip, the Pope gave me the shock. Wow. I mean, I can see, you know, Hannibal Lecter, you know, because he's got the tongue gone. That's part of his machine. You would expect something or someone like that to do that. The Dalai Lama.

Also, how do you go that long? How do you go that long and be that righteous and that good and that well-behaved and that leader and that, you know, mentor, all these positive things? And then say some weird shit. That's so fucking weird. Well, here's what's frightening. And it sucks because we have so many, so few positive role models in the world now who are spiritual or wholesome or righteous.

And you've got to go, he said it with like such ease. Like it sort of just came out of him. So now you got to go, okay, has he said it before? And what has he said that wasn't on camera? What does he said that was in a dark room or a private room? I'm not trying to say he has done that, but it makes you naturally wonder. Because, you know, you look at other sacred religious leaders like Catholic

priests who have a litany of horrific crimes against young children. And now you, you know, I was just, as well as being shocked, I was like totally disappointed. Really? This guy now? You know, the guy that sits on top of a mushroom cross-legged and looks at the clouds going by? If you wrote that in the script, people would be like, get that's, get that out of there. Get that. That's ridiculous.

It's just, it's tough. But watch my special. Available all my use. Yeah. Lefty son. Lefty son. free. I did it all my self-directed, produced, obviously written and perform again with my good friend Sam Vollen and did it here at the Dynasty in L.A. Great theater. It looks great. Thank you.

It looks beautiful. I'm proud of it. Carpet on the ground and the candles. That's the other thing. I was like, look, man, your stage, I already like it. Let me put a little, my manager, Justin Silvera, was like, why don't you put a couple little personal things? And I was like, that's a great idea. So I throw a couple things on the piano. And then that's it. Did the special, got the content out there. follow me on social media at Ryan Sickler. Go subscribe to the Honeydew podcast and start with Harlan's episode because it is a fucking instant classic.

It's a banger, dude. We had fun, yeah. Even the last one when you talk to the dead lady, he's got two great ones on there. Go watch them all, yeah. Wow, wild. Yeah, thank you. And congrats on the special.

Thank you. That is beautiful. And yeah, check it out. And it's funny how it all kind of symbiotically came together with the hospital visit, your dad's passing the name of the thing everything crazy do you want to hear i'm just you know when you when you when you said whatever you're about to say yeah the leeches yeah i just whenever i hear that word i flash back to a story from my days working as a forest ranger and it's

it's probably the most can stop you for one second on a moment do you have a cartoon of that what you being a forest ranger or or a forest ranger cartoon no dude How do you not? I know. I mean, you've got puppy dog pals. You've never been a dog. You've been a Forest Ranger. You think you could probably dive into your, whatever this story is right now could be a good cartoon.

It doesn't have to be a kid's one necessarily. All right, sorry. Did I ever tell you the story about the leech? Uh-uh. I don't think so. Okay. We've all done so many podcasts, maybe, but I doubt it. I want to hear it.

But you had Park Ranger days. Yeah, but when you said leach, it triggered a horrific memory. But, and then before we, I'm going to set up, we're going to do the football teams after that. I want to hear the story. So when I was a forest ranger and when I was growing up, we had a cottage on a lake. And then when I went up and worked in the bush, so we had a raft out in the water. And when we'd go out and swim on the raft, the leeches, the blood suckers, we were in a lake that had tons of these. So when they'd feel all the vibration in the water, they would start circling the raft.

so we'd have to go jump off the raft and swim back to the raft and get on the raft because these leeches would come around. And they were big. They were about this long. And they like swim after you? They'd like swim after you or they'd get on you and they had a sucker at each end. Yeah. And they just wanted your blood.

And they also, leeches have this enzyme in their saliva. It's an antiquagulant. That's how leeches ingest the most blood. They penetrate your skin, this, this enzyme that they possess. causes the wound to stay open and not coagulate. And so they get an influx of more blood. And that's why when you pull a leach off, it's still the blood drips down

because it's not healing up the way it normally would because of the anticoagulant. But I digress. So these damn leeches would swim around. And we were out too far from the shore that you could do anything with them. So I started doing this thing. They're very rubbery.

and so what I would do is I'd grab them real quick out of the water and I'd put them in my mouth. Bullshit. No, I'm not kidding. Bullshit. I'm not kidding. You're grabbing leeches out of the water and put them in your mouth? I'm putting them and I'm ripping them in half.

Get the fuck out. Yeah, and they're not easy because they're rubbery. I mean, it's like, have you ever bit a condom in half? No. You will. You will. I'm so sure of it. But, yeah, I would bite them.

them in half and throw them back in the water and then they couldn't swim and they die, right? How many of these are you doing? Oh, I did tons of them. Get the fucking. This is Park Ranger or before? This is when you're swimming out to that raft. So this was out on the raft because we couldn't get rid of them any other way.

So I would do it and it was gross, but I did it really fast. It was like, and then they were done. And are you getting blood and everything in your mouth? A little bit, but I'm, you know, I'm instantly spitting it out. It's a fast kind of gesture, right? So cut to, there's a second species of leech that lives in fresh water, and we call them the gray leeches. And they're like shorter kind of almost oval shaped. And they kind of hang out more under rocks and on the side of logs.

They're more like clingy to the shore than they are swimming around the peoply. And that was Shakespeare in case you're wondering. I felt the I have the epidemic there. Yeah. By the way, a great baseball player, I damnic pentameter. Used to play for the Dodgers. 1973, hit the home run against the Phillies for the World Series win. So when I'm cut to, I'm a forest ranger. I'm working, we're on a freshwater lake.

We have a dock. Me and all the guys have the weekend up. We're swimming. This is what I'm like 19, 20, 21, somewhere in there. And every now and then, the gray one. ones would make an appearance. You know, everything has to get from point A to point B. So here comes one of the gray ones.

And I reach down, I grab it, I put it in my mouth, and they're, they're a little tougher because they're flat. The other ones are big. They're like this dense. The gray ones are really flat because they go under a... Harlan, is anyone else doing this? I don't think so. You know, there's other people in front of you.

Are they grabbing leeches also? Nobody's ever done it as far as I know. I wasn't afraid of them, but I didn't want them sucking on me. So I grab the gray one It's about that big The other ones are usually about that big I grab it and it's harder It's harder because they're flatter

And they're more rubbery And I'm like and I'm really saw on this thing Right And as I'm saw on it It's not the fast process That the big ones are And as I've got it my teeth I just feel

And I'm like what What the fuck is that And I pull the thing out And I flip it over And gray leeches carry their babies on their bellies. No. They carry,

I've ever seen a spider with all its babies on the back. So I flipped it over. No. And it's swarming with almost microsc, little teeny tiny gray leeches. Oh, I'm getting chills,

dude. So while I did it, they went up into my gums in between the, they were just shooting up into my gums. And now I'm like, and I throw the thing down, and I got,

and they've got suckers on them. So now I got like 40 fucking baby leeches in my teeth. You ever try to suck a popcorn kernel out? You're like alter your bite. So try to suck it out a family of gray leeches with suction cups. I was like, almost imploded my head. I almost sucked my whole skull. Oh, God, I'm going to gag.

Yeah. That's the kind of shit I was seeing on the Delaudit. I was telling you before we recorded in the hospital. What you lived. That's real. That's real. That's real. Yeah. Oh, that's 100% real.

That's why you trigger, like I'll never forget it. Then that was the last day I bit a leach in half. It was like, it took me about half an hour to get them and I had to get, oh, it was crazy. I know we wouldn't do these footballs. All right. There's no rush. And now you're a lot of time wild things. Go for it.

The leeches that, they look at the clots. And then they sent me, they kept telling me in the hospital, too, that if. By the way, before you finish this story, because I could tell that grossed you out and it's probably going to stay with you. Forever. I'm going to give you a four count. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus,

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Fuck. Okay. Ready? fuck I was eight Oh was it Yeah Oh good This mind is clans

Okay go I just want to make sure you were clear There's this This surgery they can do where they tell me It's a tube about as big as my pinky They shove it in my groin They put it in your lungs And then this machine sucks these clots out

Wait when you say in your groin You mean up the penis hole Not the hole I think like literally Where your ball bag and your leg leg touch like that so they make a new hole yeah they're putting a hole in your fucking body to put this too come on that's got that's like a bag hole to suck these things out but then they say but because of your this stupid blood disorder you have you could be a vegetable i'm like then we're not doing that like why are we even discussing but the same couple had sent me photos of what this machine

looks like that sucks it and do you remember you're old enough like me to remember just remember the old school bike horns the silver ones with the little black the way it would trumpet out it looked like two trumpets on this thing and i was like they're gonna hook that no no but what you made me think about what the leeches was um the first eight or nine days i'm in gen pop in the hospital i'm just in this area where it's a curtain i'm on my back i don't see anything all i it's all theater of the mind as dan new van kirk says and i i'm hearing people there's a lady next to me that I have a friend who's been there for a couple days and is there for like maybe two more while I'm there. Would she have going on?

She had, I think, a knee surgery or something like that and she was still there. But the one next to me, like you would come in, excuse me, and have maybe you just had a thumb surgery or something. And you're just there for two hours. And then you're going to go. So they're playing music. Music. Or the old lefty son. Yeah, right.

Yeah, okay. So this is a rotating, a bit of a rotating, and they're having a good time playing music. I'm miserable. I've been now for five days, I'm over it. But there's this junkie that I'm pointing diagonal because that's where he was. And he just knew the system, abused the system. And what I gather is that the, the, the lauded is not working. You see him?

Yeah. The lauded's not working. Brush your teeth, bro. And he's injecting. I'm assuming heroin or whatever, into his foot. And his foot is so infected that the surgeons come and they talk to him. You can hear everything in this place. And they tell him, if this IV dilaudid isn't taking the pain away,

then we may have to take your foot. And the last thing they're about to do is maggot therapy. Now, this goes back to your first episode with the squirrels and the maggots and stuff. So they tell him, this is medieval shit, right? Now I'm looking it up on my phone because we have, a computer in our hands, and I'm like, oh, my God. And it's horrific pictures. And this dude's foot is so fucked up that the last thing they're going to try before they

take it is to throw maggots on this motherfucker and let them eat all the dead flesh and then see if they can't save it. And then I finally got transferred to my own room for the rest of the month. So I don't know what happened to him or his foot, but it wasn't sounding good over there. That is scary stuff. Yeah. And it's funny because the night, this is a transition. for you the night that i got moved out of jem pop into my own room was literally the night that the

baltimore ravens were in the playoffs and at half time they moved me up to my own room and i'm like great i'll watch the second half of this game and i'm going home tomorrow and then we lose on that fucking wild play where the lineman just stole the ball snoop huntley's reaching over like he's delivering pizzas instead of going low and they took that ball and ran it all the way back and we lost and that was my blood pressure went up in there and then the next day i clot so i kind of might be a little bit of football that did this and I just wanted to transition us back into doing these. Okay, okay. But you know, they also, as well as maggot stuff, they used to do leaching, they called it, where back in medieval times they'd use, and they still do it. They still do it. They still do it.

They'll use leeches to suck wounds and get infections out. Do you think dentist or orthodontist could use that method maybe that you just invent? You know, yeah. Fuck a water pick. Someone get me a fucking gray leash. I'll bet you some grow on gray leaf. Leach and get all the fucking plaque and fucking tartar. I should go, next time I go to my dentist. Have you been flossing Mr. Williams? No, I've been sucking on a motherfucking pregnant leech. Oh, God, the baby.

Oh, God, for me, dude. I open my mouth and they're just like, oh, God, dude. Mr. Williams, you'll have to leave now. Crazy. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbleng.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what?

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last time you were here, we were sort of sick of the boring kind of NFL team names. And we renamed half the league. We did. So what we're going to do is we're going to take five more on this podcast. And the next time you're back, we'll do the final five. But this is how it works. Ryan and I, no preparation. We're going to figure out new names for these NFL teams because we just, you know,

We're bored with the old ones. So let's start with the Baltimore Ravens. All right, my hometown, my home. Oh, is that right? Yeah, it's my personal favorite team right there. Now, so we're going to change this name for sure, but I do want to give the Ravens a little bit of another because the reason they're named the Ravens and not just the Crabs or whatever the fuck is because Edgar Allan Poe was from

Baltimore and his famous poem, The Raven, they took that name and made the team the Raven. So I like that better than just like the Panthers, you know what I mean? And so it's got a little history tied to the city that I really appreciate. There's a bit of literature attached to it. And it's a dark fucking man and a dark fucking poem. Yeah, and a city with a chip on its shoulder. So it fits perfectly. The telltale heart, the cask of a montalado.

Well done, young man. He wrote some dark stuff. He was like the early Stephen King of his time. Yes, I agree. And in that city, boy, and drinking absinthe all the time. And, you know. Yeah. But as much as I love the city, let's be honest.

honest, I'm going to, I would say it's the Baltimore homicides. I would put the homicides. Yeah, it's bad. It's bad. Well, also the wire. Have you seen the wire? No. Oh, Harlan Williams, you got a series to watch, my friend.

Oh, yeah? Oh, watch the wire on HBO. I love guys who can keep their balance. Yeah, it's, listen, it is literally trying to walk a tight rope in that city. Oh, it's not about that? It is, I mean, you know, a little bit. Yeah. here's the thing about crows though ravens they're not the prettiest i mean the whole

do you know how smart they are though you're smart but super smart i mean i almost feel like it should be like the the baltimore tracheotomy like somebody's got to fix those fucking hooters they've got i mean listen tracheotomies is way better you know there's no fucking other city that's gonna have that team dave i'll take uh tracheotomy's over homicide it is good And I think we're blending the morbidness of Edgar Allen Poe. No doubt. I think, you know, he did a lot of imagery of crows. And crows were sort of the harbinger of doom and death.

And so for Edgar Allen Poe, we're paying tribute to picture a beautiful, large bird with a hole in its throat. And I think. Tracheotomies. The Baltimore tracheotomy. That's a great one. Okay. That's good.

Good. I think we sort of combined our efforts on that one. I loved it. All right. Next one is, oh, the Denver Broncos. Come on, guy. Talk to me. Well, what do we got in Denver? We have legal shrooms. We have legal weed. It's all drugs. It's all drugs. It's all drugs. It's like, they legalized heroin and opioids. Maybe. LSD. Like, I think they're like Subaru's shrooms and weed all over that place. They're like legalizing everything.

Yeah. Should it be like the Denver? junkies or the Denver dope heads or the it's more than dope though I like Denver drugs yeah the Denver drugs just the drugs and that's who you're playing today the drugs the drugs we got to go play the drugs today they don't know they're playing but we're playing yeah the Denver drugs it's plain it's simple

it's real concise they're the only guys when you hit them a white cloud goes off of them it's like you know because they're covered with Coke residue. Covered. Yeah. Oh, I love that. The Denver drugs. That is so perfect.

That's perfect. What would the logo be? Just like a needle? A circle. Like, remember the anti, the back in the day, we'd have like a needle, some pills. Yeah. Just a collection of all the bad things. A needle with a helmet on.

Yeah. A heroin needle with a helmet all would be great. All right. Buffalo. bills bro buffalo first of all i don't think there's any buffalo's in buffalo i'm ignorant but i'm going to say i don't either unless they've been brought in for like a you know a fucking radio show fucking you know what i mean like a christmas parade yeah marketing thing or something yeah this is w g h y come meet us in the olive garden parking lot we've got a live buffalo

okay it's radio we can't fucking see it you could have just told us but the buffalo yeah it's cold as fuck there i've been there i've been at their stadium there's a lot of fires there's a lot of like places burned down there they love chicken wings love wings love yeah they invented them yeah buffalo cold wings the cold wings no i don't like it well we have hot wings so cold wings interesting it's interesting we're on the we're on the border of it ice ice ice buffalo burn downs the buffalo burnouts uh that's i think you're going back to denver yeah

think you went backwards a little bit i regret yeah uh what is it the buffalo god this is a tuffy I mean, is it, is the answer in the silence of the Buffalo nothings? Or the just the Buffaloes? Yeah. Or how about no Buffalo? Yeah. There's no fuck them.

How about we just like get rid of the whole franchise? You know what? We don't have to name this team because it doesn't exist anymore. It's gone. It's gone. We got rid of one. 29. You're gone.

It's just completely gone. Oh, the Cleveland Browns, dude. Worst team in the NFL, worst organization. I don't care what anybody says. They've had the fucking top picks for decades and haven't landed one goddamn fucking quarterback. Not one. You're like, that guy's a Cleveland Browns,

been a Cleveland Brown whole time. Not one. Not one. And they've had a couple zero win seasons. That's the one you should, you get the first pick. That's the guy you should nail it. He's not a lifelong brown.

and nope. But isn't it all say it all in the name? Like think of all the colors. I think the human eye can see 1,3,000, 22 colors. Is that right? And that's just the ones we know about. Like we can see all these trillions of colors and brown. It's garbage.

I mean, what's the color of brown? Yeah. We can call them that. The Cleveland shit. Yeah, the Cleveland shits. What has Brown done for you lately? It can be a... Stunk up my bathroom.

Ruin my pants. Yeah. The Cleveland shits. And it could be a type of shit, too. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Like that diarrhea splatter. You know what I mean?

Not even solid. It's not even nothing... Nothing you'd call your friends in to see. Yeah. The Taco Bell Grande fucking sizzler. Not one. You'd be like, everybody, you got to see this turn right here, man. That's not the one.

Yeah. Not the kind you'd mount and hang over the fireplace. wow shalack and put it up this is just like it looks like somebody ran over a squirrel yeah yeah the Cleveland shit that's perfect okay and last one the Miami Dolphins buddy I don't know there's a lot going on in Miami too you've got cocaine you've got a lot of I mean that's where that's where they used to just dump it on the beaches yeah people would just go get it you could just go get it but don't they also say the dolphins are like the second smartest mammals to man but then i ask myself okay how smart are you

when you're an air-breathing mammal and you live in water you dumb ass so how about the miami fucking tarts how about that i'm done Miami tars and in case you don't understand what I'm talking about. For you real dolphin lovers. There you go. Oh, man. Okay, done and done. We got some good ones.

The shits, the tards, the drugs, the nothings, and the tracheotomy. You're welcome NFL. Oh, man. Wow. That was great. All right. Next time you're here, we do the final five. Oh, God.

What else was I going to talk to you about? Oh, dude. Last time you were here, we did another thing. Remember, I bestowed on you an honor that you'd only do with a good friend. I let you open a box from Amazon. Yeah. So it got me thinking about our conversation about boxes. And have you ever shopped at the Apple store?

I have. Okay. I want to show you something. I bought a laptop. the other day. More than the laptop I bought. The packaging at Apple, I mean,

let's start with the bag, okay? I went in to buy a computer. It looks like it goes at Sacks Fifth Avenue. Absolutely. Look at the beautiful. Feel the density of the, of the handles.

Look, man, the cords on my hoodie aren't this good. Yeah. This is the rope you tie your, whatever up with. So first of all, the bag is immaculate. And then nice and foldable. Yeah, foldable.

Almost flat here. And look at the paper grade on it. Like it's beautiful paper. It's very durable to hold that expensive computer. Right. Certainly a fold flat bag there. So it starts there. And then look at the box.

Okay. I'm going to pull it open. And the box just the density of the box, the way it feels, look how thick it is. Like feel that. That's very solid. Like are you feeling? anything? Yeah. You're getting a little chub, bro. Right? No doubt. And then you open it up and it's got

this little thing was in it. Look what's in it. Free stickers. It's stickers. There's like a little thing. It looks like the envelope they hand you at the Oscars. And the winner is Harlan Williams. Yeah. Oh, look at that. It just flaps over. I mean, if you're old school, they give you this. Yeah. And if not, you go online and you can watch things that they have for it. Like that's all that was in it was the stickers. And two little pieces of paper, but they made this big production. And then look in here. And it says designed by Apple in California. It even tells you that.

It's nice. And then look at this. Like more detailed than Pharaoh's esophagus or whatever it's called. Trachiotomy. No, sarcophagus. Syracophagus. It's esophagus. Look at that, man.

You could put a jello mold in that. You could. You could. Feel that, bro. Very heavy, very secure. Yeah. So my question is, how much are we paying extra on our Apple products for this packaging? I mean, this is immaculate.

No doubt. No doubt. And then we got these. Free advertising for them. I wonder, you know how Indian people put a bindi right here? I wonder if we, do we dare? Apple don't pay me enough to put them on my forehead, Harlan Williams. I mean, I'm going to put it there.

If you want to, you. I'm not, I mean, Harlan. Look, bro, we're all going Apple. Do you feel any different? I feel like I want to see the Dali Lama. Fucking mic drop, bro. I'm definitely not putting it on.

Would you like to lick my tongue? What's on it? What if the kid did say that? Yeah. Why? What's on it? Yeah, what the hell you've been eating, guy? But isn't this a bit interesting?

If, you know, we buy so many Apple products. Everything's Apple. Isn't it just the next step that we become Apple? Like, don't I become I-Harland? We're 100% headed toward all of us being AI and, yeah, eventually, for sure. Like how long, I mean, we've got the iPad, the iPhone, the I book, the IMAX. Basically, they're selling us rectangles. I mean, I've got so many rectangles I could shingle my roof with all their shit.

Yeah, that's a lot of packaging. I mean, I bought all of them. But we're headed that way. Look, I'm not a conspiracy theorist guy. However, I grew up Catholic. Me neither. I grew up Catholic. And if you step outside the Catholicism, the way I have and away from it and really study

what they tell you. It's just fucking, it's just as crazy as Scientology as, you know, any of them. Put them all in here. Christianity,

all of them. They're just all fucking nuts. It's all wild. You bring up a good point, though. What was the thing? I'm sorry. If you're going to laugh at my melanoma, now it's melancholym.

This might not be the show for you. I'm dying, bro. I'm eye dying. Don't, Okay. I'm eye terminal. Don't put that shit out there. Stop fucking I laughing at I-mee, all right.

But think about it. The Garden of Evil or the Garden of Eden. Eden, yeah. What was the thing that Eve took? The apple. And there's a bite out of it right there on your head, man. Wow. And going back to Catholicism, wasn't it? They said that the apple was,

represented or presented by the snake who represented evil the devil and here we are smack dab in the middle of your face how about it wow so who knows i mean a i sounds just as crazy to me or or excuse me catholicism sounds just as crazy to me as being ai i i feel like ai now i mean an apple idiot we're we're I'm right here all the time for directions, for information, for contacts, for whatever, for business, for pleasure. It's all right there. All of it, right? So, you know, I'm waiting. I hope we live long enough for chips to be put in our body to program and save you from diabetes or, hey, you have lung cancer.

We can put this computer chip in you and do, do, do, do, and it'll take care of, you know what I mean? I hope we get to that point. I mean, I think humans will. I hope we're still here when they get to that fucking point. You know what I mean? But how far would you go with that? Like if they could put a chip in you and say, hey, now you can speak Spanish. Now you can speak German or French.

Would you do it? Yeah, I'd do that. I would. I would do that. What if they put a chip in your head? Like, that's the thing. Would that soon eradicate everyone's profession? Like, what if they could put a chip and say, now you're an excellent accountant?

And I can do a excellent writer. Yeah. Do you think that day's coming? Is that realistic? Where we're no longer individuals and everyone is the same and we can all do the same exact things the same way at the same level and that sort of thing. Well, there's this theory that I've read about and I'm sure you've heard about this. I'm just going to get rid of the beautiful packaging. Yeah. There was this theory that they talked about with the graylings or whatever. You ever see aliens. They're the. gray ones with the almond-shaped eyes. So I've read stories where they say that they all look the same and they never communicate because they all look the same.

They've kind of foregone any type of physical appearance and any verbal expression because now everything's done in a telepathic way. And so everyone's like got AI and is reading everyone's thoughts. And so there's no more need for physical appearance. and all that because it's all done and there's no need for individualism and looks and definition in people. I mean, I don't know that I want to live in that kind of environment.

I definitely don't want to live in that environment. But I'm not disagreeing that it could be absolutely headed that way. Yeah. I mean, it could be another 500 years, but it could absolutely be headed that way. A thousand years, whatever. I, um... Scary.

You know, I don't, sometimes there are so many weird coincidences that I don't, if someone in the end was like, hey, it was all a simulation, I wouldn't, it wouldn't blow my mind. It wouldn't blow my mind. That sounds just as crazy, like I'm saying, as God taking a rib from man and creating woman and burning bushes and all, you know what I mean? And this tombstone was rolled out of the way and he's gone. It's like, somebody took Jesus's body.

Come on. Somebody took it. Where do you think it is? It's a great question. it was somewhere it might be behind the apple bro the apple tree doubled up on it huh you got a problem bro could you what kind of phone you got bro challenging people in the street suck if somebody said you got a problem bro with that i wouldn't fuck with you i promise i'm like come on let's move out of here you want to roll bro you want to buy

of me? I love you. By the way, also excellent eyebrow waxers. Yeah, they do almost look like eyebrow waxers. Buddy, I'm so glad you're okay, though. But I wanted to talk about, because a lot of people watch and don't know about the process of making a special.

I said at the top of the show, I wanted to come back around. to talk about the process of making a special. Like people just watch comedians. Oh, that guy's funny. He's got all this material. But take us through how it happens. Do you start two years before and you're in the clubs going,

okay, I want to work on this bit. Or do you start four months before? Like, I don't think people know how a comedy special is mapped out. What's your process? Right. We're all different, right? So this particular one, I had about, I don't know, I had about 40 minutes that were loose that I

I was comfortable with, and then the pandemic hit. Okay, so you were already working on a pre-pandemic. I had been working on pre-pandemic loosely, and then the pandemic hits. Yeah. And we're now down two years, basically. And then I go out and I take what I had already started, and I did a tour called the Night Pants Nation tour. And for about 14 months, I went and strengthened it and added and polished that 40 to an hour.

I really did an hour and 50. If you really wanted to know how it goes, I shot an hour and 15. Oh, wow. And just put an hour. out. I didn't want to have an hour and 15. It's too long these days. It's almost nowadays. It's almost a little bit shorter is better. I think 30 minutes is great. I saw the earthquake special that Dave Chappelle produced and it was a banger all the way through. And I didn't feel like I needed more. I wanted more, but I'll wait for that next one. Oh yeah. You know, the hour was also,

so you know, the hour was created by networks and clubs. The clubs won enough time to sell their chicken fingers and alcohol while we dance and the networks need to fill a slot. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, and if you're watching on TV with commercials, it's usually about 44 minutes is an hour. Yeah. And 22 and a half is your half hour on television with commercials, right? Yeah. So this is an unfiltered full one hour. And honestly, the next one I probably will do 45 minutes.

Yeah, yeah. Who cares? No one says you have to do this number. Again, the networks and the clubs, and we've been conditioned to these times. That's the beauty of the digital era, too. And I think people, it's like even. in a comedy club when you do stand up live, if you go over like about 55 minutes an hour, even if you're killing, audiences have audience fatigue. And even if you're, even if you're Robin

Williams or Chappelle or you're up there, some of these guys used to go up and do marathon like two hours. And it's like the audience, even if you're killing, it's like watching a stripper. It's like, okay, I've seen her from every angle. I'm almost going to go gay if she doesn't get off the stage. Okay, I've had enough. I've seen enough beef, all right? Get off the stage, Eve, bring Adam in. God, that's so good. But tell me about because what people also don't know is when you do a special,

you also have to lock in, not some guys just kind of ramble, but some guys lock in on a theme that they pick, okay, this is going to be sort of about my family. This is going to be about my youth. This is going to be about politics. Did you hone in on a theme for this special? Did you kind of dance around? Not on the whole way.

I started with weed and alcohol for me and how marijuana is helpful for me. And then transitioned into being a single dad with a stepson who's 18, 19 now. And a daughter who's eight. Then into just being a kid who didn't have parents. and I told a fun story about the most scared I've ever been in my fucking life. Yeah. And then I tell a story at the end, again, about not having parents and just looking for wisdom and knowledge anywhere. I'm listening to everybody.

And I tell a couple stories about old black man wisdom. Oh, wow. So it's this person, lefty son, and these stories. So I didn't go with a theme all the way through. But if you think about it, you did go with a theme. It was your life. Yes, that's what I'm saying. You went through pieces of your life.

Absolutely. It's pieces and bits of my life. Oh, I like that old black man wisdom. It's kind of that kind of guy sitting on his front porch down in the bayou talking about, well, you know, son, if you walk up that road real slow, you're going to get there in about three hours. But if you go a little faster, you're going to get there in two hours and 50 minutes, son. That kind of shit. Yeah.

You know, some. Oh, my God, I told that story. Oh, you did? There's something about an old, it doesn't matter if you're black. or white, like any old person, they have that inherent wisdom and there's something so rich and beautiful about it. Richard Pryor used to do a character and he would have the character say, I didn't get old being no fool. And you're like, yeah, you're damn right. You didn't get old. You didn't know, you know. Yeah, yeah. So, um, so you, you, you home that material for, for, in the clubs

across North America. Um, because, you know, I love Edmonton and I love Vancouver as well. Yeah. And, um, and it's interesting too when you say around North, because, because you go. to different cities and you want to see sort of what the reaction is, are people in Columbus, Ohio, laughing at this segment the way people in Alaska are? If you're building a set that only works in L.A. or New York, good luck. Good luck. Because the rest of the world is, country is very fucking different. Yeah, that's, that was my point. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. You're 100% right. That shit's got to work everywhere. Yeah, yeah. Everywhere it's got to work. It's got to be a universal set that,

And again, you're going to get people that are like, man, it sucks. Yeah. They're doing that for Chappelle. They're doing that for Carlin. They're doing that for price. So, you know, I see people like, fuck the Beatles.

Who are the Beatles? You know, shit like that. You're like, okay. Everything's not for everyone. But you hone the material and then I decided in December to shoot it. So I'm doing it all myself. I'm directing, producing. Wow.

So I'm finding the venue. I'm finding the crew. And luckily, at the dynasty, shout out to Jamie Flam and the crew there. They're a great place. If you're looking to shoot, go talk to the dynasty. And they have a fantastic staff. Sam and those guys over there are great. And cameras and everything.

So you don't need to, at that particular place, because I did go to other places. I won't say some places we want 15 grand just for the venue. I'm not paying you $15,000 for the venue. And that comes with nothing, you know, just the building. Yeah. Some one in 10. And I'm not going to get into numbers, but again, look, if you want to be real, if you're going to do something and you're, listen, if you're going to do it yourself, first of all, save enough money.

That's the first thing. It's coming out of your pocket or put it on a credit card because you're funding it. Yeah, yeah. But you need your venue, you need your crew, you need your equipment, you need your lighting, you need your sound, you need all that stuff. It's a lot. And I've been working in post-production for 20 years, so I'm familiar with all this stuff. So I get there and I'm like, you guys have black magic cameras and you've got the lighting rig already set. You've got the sound and you've got, man.

That's great. And then post-production. So then you shoot it. You do your night. You do two shows at least. So you take the best of, obviously. You wear the same thing. So you've got the continuity.

Yeah, people don't know that. You usually shoot two shows and then you kind of cut and mix and match the best of each show. And you almost have to do each show exactly as the first one because it's, it's like continuity like you said yeah and um you just and then you know you got to sell tickets you got to get people to come out to the fucking thing because you don't want to perform to an empty audience so i was fortunate enough to sell two shows out in l.A. at the dynasty this is all days before i almost die and um we shoot it and it goes great it's fucking awesome i'm very happy with it now you get it into post production you got to find an editor who's really knows what the

fuck they're doing. Yeah, understands comedy, the timing. I'll say this. Um, so my buddy Sam Vaughan, who, you know, really is the guy that took this over and post and everything and was so instrumental in all this. He's worked on other comedians. We know I'm not going to say who, but I'll tell you off Mike and their specials. And you'll work with 12 people and you've got 12 people giving notes. And these people aren't, this is always my gripe. I was always more qualified than everyone I fucking worked with because I did it. Yeah, yeah. And, You're making, if you're just making notes that make things different, but not better, shut the fuck up.

You're just over there getting your P.S. You're a salaried employee with a 401k and paid sick in vacation days and maybe a company car. And you got all right in your expenses off. I'm a family business. I, yeah. Today, Ryan Sickler is a modern day family business. That's right. This is how I support my daughter.

My businesses, my podcasts, my stand up. I'm a modern day family business. We're not brick and mortar anymore. more. Everyone can do this differently. So, um, you know, it's all out of my pocket financially. And then you got to find your, oh, so wait, real quick back. So they're giving, and Sam's like, I know they're not watching it. I know they're not. And I'm going to prove it. So purposely, they took a YouTube, like weird, just like a, or a Harlan Highway screen grab an Easter egg and they threw it right in the middle. And they were waiting for everyone to say, hey, man, I don't know what that is at like 20 minutes in,

but there's a weird freeze frame of the Harlan Highway podcast in there. Can we clean that up? Not one person. Not one. So that's when you realized we're doing this. We don't need to listen to them. Fuck their notes. And again,

I told him, too, two things. It's just you and me making notes. And again, I just almost died. I don't give a fuck about a certain edit. Like make it like, You're proud. This is your edit. It's my stand-up, but this is your edit. So make this something you'd be proud to look at and watch. And he did. He killed it. So audio mixing. Then there's the color. By the way, just to interject, I've seen that happen on feature films where I've been in on the edit where it's like a feature theatrical release. And I've seen executives come in in the middle of the edit and go, hey, why don't you do that, do that? And they have no idea how it relates to the, the joke.

or the continuity from five scenes. And I'm sitting and going, you can't, if you take that out, the first half of the movie doesn't work. It makes sense. But they don't even know. They don't even,

they just come in and go, hey, La, here's me. Do it, jiming in because I get paid to. That's right. And let's flip the shot.

I'm like, what, that you didn't make anything better. You just made it different. Get the fuck out of here. It's unbelievable. And if you're being real also, as editors and people know,

when people, I used to hate it when they be like, just. If they throw a just out, I'm like, Do you know that your just note takes three hours? It's going to be an edit, a music cut. We have to render it.

It needs to do graphics. You know what I mean? Like, people don't know that shit. This is why I wanted to talk about this because I think, you know, here's the thing. There's such a simplicity to stand up comedy. And when I watched your special, it just looks so clean and simple. There's you and your hoodie. You're up on this stage.

It's the microphone. It's you. I get right into it also. You know, live. It looks so. simple. A lot. Yeah. And it's what it's supposed to be. Live I walk out and thank you very much and all that. I do it quickly there. Yeah. But it's like, all right, let's just get to it. What are we here for?

And all the stuff you just talked about is kind of what I wanted to illuminate the audience. And we're not even touching on all of it. I mean, there's stuff that happens months out and there's people you have to wrangle. Then you've got to find people to update your website. Yeah. And find some sort of graphics package to promote the special. Yeah. And now you've got to update your. Instagram, your Twitter, your four Facebooks, you're fucking, you know what I mean? Like the podcast page. And this isn't a pity me thing. This is just kind of schooling people on how simple stand-up looks, but it's very, it's very,

and this is just the technical side, let alone you're able to write, write material that an hour worth of material that's A-list material. Because remember, for every joke us comedians tell, there's probably seven or ten. that didn't work. That's right. So we have to cut through the harvest of material. So I thought it was really interesting to hear you kind of fill in the blanks for, you know,

the average person that might not know what goes into it. Man, there's so much colorist, all these things. And then once you get that file done. Yeah. Then you got your credits. Don't forget who you're going to special thank. Everybody's got to get their proper and fucking spell their name right. They don't tart on this.

Yeah. Now that's done. The special's done, right? Now we're going to put it up on YouTube. upload you got to upload it overnight you got to make sure that fucking uploads there do a countdown graphics package all this then you got to get in there and these days you got to get into the youtube comments because if you want to get the shit more out into the algorithm you got to interact with the fan there's so fucking much and and the other thing too is

it's free trust me when i tell you yeah that free special for you it is not fucking free for me and then rie too like he and i were talking and it's not just that now you've got to go on podcast tours. Yeah. And you got to fly to New York, try to bang out shows there, fly to Austin, hopefully, bang out shows there. And you're not going to do them all, so you've got to fly a few times. I'm going back to Austin tomorrow with my daughter on spring break to do Dr. Drew show.

And because you can't knock them all out at one time. So it's a lot of money to fly and get out there and promote them. And then you've got to pay someone to clip every, you know, there's so fucking much going on from when we just wanted to tell jokes and make sure. So two things I'm going to say for Ryan's special. One, go and support and watch the special just because you've heard all this and that's part of it. But secondly, go and watch it just because it's funny.

Ryan's a true pro and it's a great special. It's great material. Thank you. It's great comedy. So there's two tiers to it. So I didn't want to just say, oh, go see it because we did all this work. That doesn't matter if you don't deliver. that's right and and guys like like ryan it delivers and so i urge you to go watch it on

youtube and see it and support and uh congratulations it looks great and thank you funny and awesome the world from you dude oh yeah no it's thank you buddy power pound you're missing a park ranger cartoon show what would it be called leech sucker No, but that's an episode. And it's also a thing he does. Period. Maybe every third episode, he's biting the head off. He gets rid of his toothbrush and I got it.

It's time for bad. I better suck a leech. Yeah, this one's got, uh, what's that stuff in a toothpaste? Phlamel or. I don't know. Enamel. I know what you're saying. Enamel.

Ph.D. What's in toothpaste? What's in toothpaste sugar? No. What's in fucking corn? I fructose corn. There's definitely problem. eye fruit goes. Wait, what's the thing in, oh, it's, they have it fluoride. Oh, I thought you were looking

for a real big, yeah, that's the thing I make sure my daughter has every day. I'm like, brush those teeth and get that fucking mouthwash of fluoride in it. Yeah, I put it in the water. I only bought fluoride sucking leeches. Are you ready for words in a wooden shoe to round, around this out, buddy? Here we go. You know how it works from last time. What we do is we put words in a authentic Dutch clog, you reach in there and see if it inspires a story or a memory from somewhere in your journey in life. Words from a, don't look, just reach in there. Can't peek. What will Ryan Sickler have for us today? Words from a wooden shoe. Rejected. Oh, wow. I mean, it's my whole life. It's literally, I've been nonstop. That's why I created the

honey do it's just a perfectly good fruit that most people toss out and that's what i am but i'll give you one i'll give you one i'll give you a young one that i was like oh you were just flat out rejected worse um and it's a quick one but it's just one of those ones that you remember you know what i mean like the leach story this is this is your leech story i don't know if it's my leech story it is i moved on successfully okay next door to me was uh this is probably seventh grade there was a girl in seventh grade that I thought was super cute and my neighbor next door was like well she's friends with me I'll I'll set you guys up this is seventh grade shit yeah yeah and um they were hanging out at her house one day and I'm literally next door so she brings her over and

she's like Ryan this is Lindsay Lindsay this is Ryan Lindsay Ryan thinks you're really cute and would like to hang out and she went ugh wow row of my face oh shit oh shit That's hard. And I was like, I'm going to go back inside and play Nintendo, some duck hunt here. Shoot a bunch of shit. I'm going to go kill some ducks right now.

Oh, just a ugh. And a guttural out loud verbal one boy in my face. Isn't that the beauty of youth, though? Yeah, it was. I mean, man. No games, no subcontext,

no texting, no just. Ugh. No social media bulls, nothing. Just, ugh. Just, no, I don't like you. Boom. Not for me.

Yep. Wow, dude. Rejected right out of your fucking Dutch wooden shoe over there. That hurts. Yeah. It did hurt. I remember, and this, I'm not proud of this, but I remember when I was, I think was in grade four, I thought I had this girlfriend.

Like, you know, we used to want to go out with girls or we'd do this thing. where we'd kind of put word out in the school, and then all the kids would kind of gather the two and say, hey, Harlan and Jennifer are he's going to ask her to go around with them in the schoolyard, and everyone would gather around. Remember, I went up to this girl that I liked, and I was like, you know, everyone's gathered. And I go, and you have to say it in front of,

I go, will you go around with me? That's basically saying, will you be my girlfriend? Or steady or. Yeah, but where I was was like, will you go around, with me and she said no and she turned and walked away and this again i was i was what nine years old 10 11 years old i literally she's walking i ran up behind her and just hammered drive her right between no you did the fucking scapulas right and she just went oh like it's like the incredible that's the sound she made really when she looked at me and i've still to this day i feel horrible about

but she had a common child she had a common child now if that girl don't go around with you boy you go punch you between the fucking scapulas now that's the old black man wisdom right there but i've grown up now yeah i've grown to that hey buddy uh give the folks where they can see you where they can see your special your stand up yeah uh everything's ryan sickler dot com I'll be starting my tour at the end of May, headed to Fort Wayne, Indiana first, and all the dates are there. I'm at Ryan Sickler and all social media. Subscribe to The Honeydew. Check out my Patreon.

It's called The Honeydue with you all, where I do stories with regular people who have the wildest, fucking craziest shit. And I love it. And yeah, definitely go watch my special. It's free. It's on YouTube. Ryan Sickler. Thank you very much, Harlem Williams. Well, I think before we go, I think we have to do this.

If anyone didn't make it to the end of this podcast, and they bailed out in the first three minutes. Like I said, I think we should give them at least a five count. Fuck you. No doubt. Ready? One, two, three. Fuck you.

You. Fuck you. That's it for now, folks. You're on the Harlan Highway. Until next time, chicken chow main, and go see Ryan's special on YouTube. And buddy, great to see you. Same.

Thank you very much. And since they had you on all those drugs in the hospital, you are now officially drafted to the dentist. for drugs. Congratulations. All right. See you next time.