The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #58 - Crystal Marie Denha, Comedian, Podcaster.

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

Crystal shares her food taste test, her 1st fat period, and we have a cosmetic make up competition all while trying to see who's the better communicator! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So you're kind of like a really, really quick masturbator? Yeah. Like how long? Less than three minutes. Come on. That's it? It's like that saying, you ever hear that saying, Dine and Dash? Yeah.

Yeah. Here's this kind of like wank and walk. Wank and walk. I like that. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway. Highway Show Harland Williams

Um, hey, here we go. You ready? You ready to do this? I'm ready. Let's hit the theme music. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Well, now Das right, ladies and gentlemen.

You're on the Harlan Highway podcast. And, uh, my special guest today, probably the most beautiful guest that's ever graced. The Harlan Highway. Really? That is quite a compliment because I've seen who's been on this podcast. Well, Kevin Neelan's not as good looking as he used to be. True. Yeah.

He's a little bit past his prime. Yeah. But Crystal, and say your last name because I'm going to screw it up. It's okay, Den Ha. Yeah. So just like it's spelled. Oh, it is. Same way.

Den Ha. Okay, because I was going to say Denet. And so I'm glad you. People always think it's a lot sexier of a last name than it is, but it's pretty simple. Den Ha. But it's not, it's exotic, which I like. Do you like that word? Exotic? I love the word exotic. Thank you.

Yeah. I feel like if I were going to have you choose any word, that would be the one I'd want from you. And you got it. Thank you. Because you are exotic. You're very exotic looking. Thank you. You're like an exotic car on a Harland Highway full of Priuses and Passat. What car would it be? Is it like a Lamborghini or are we going Earth-friendly and is it going to be like a Tesla? No, I think you're like classy. You've got a classiness to you. So I'm going to throw a little bit of Bentley, a little bit of of Rolls Royce and then and then you know that that kind of sexy yeah like Lamborghini Aston Martin type of thing I like that so it's like a hybrid of all those except I'm a gas

guzzler no you're you're like beyond gas or electric you're like nuclear fusion like just yeah you just you create your own energy we're really starting this podcast off right beautifully yeah I mean by the way I said Pissat what have you ever heard of that car I've heard of I wouldn't really want to be described as one, but I have heard of it. How do you say it? Passat. I think you said it right. Yeah.

It sounds like a silent fart to me, that car. A facade? Yeah. Like you ever been in a movie theater and had a Passat? I personally have never had one, but I've been next to someone that had a Passat. And it was tough on the entire theater. God. Yeah.

Whoever named that? Horrible. It is a bad name. It's probably the worst name. vehicle, I would say. Your name's beautiful, too, on top of it, though. Thank you. Like, sometimes everything just fits.

It works, right? It works. And I look at you and the hair, the, and I hope you don't get self-conscious about people talking about your beauty. I'm loving it. I'm almost, you know. You are? Almost past the age where people are going to do that.

So I'm going to take it all in, okay? Well, let me ask you this. Are you competitive about it? Like, are you? No, but I do like attractive women a lot. You do? Yeah. Oh, really?

Not to like, you know, scissor, but like, I like, you know, I like, actually, I don't know. I like every, you know, I like all shapes and sizes and beauty looks. This is, I'm already coming across so vain. No, no, no. But nobody's ever used the term scissor on this show. And I think I know what it means, but I'm not 100%. Can you, in layman's terms? You know what's so funny is I thought, you know, before I really learned about, you know,

girl-on-girl stuff. Okay. I really thought scissoring was a big part of, you know, lesbian lifestyles. Okay. But I guess it's not from what I've heard from, you know, the few lesbians I've interviewed about it. It's fringe? It's like on the fringe of lesbian-Azism?

Well, scissoring is like your vagina vagina and it's just kind of rubbing and you're getting off like through the, I guess, rubbing the clitoris, if I'm not mistaken. But then I talked to someone and they're like, it's not really a thing we do. And that it's just sort of glamorized in porn. And it's so funny because I gave up porn a little while ago, but kind of like broke a couple days ago. And the first scene that came up was scissoring. And I was like, oh, so it is a thing in porn.

So I don't think it's that big in like the lesbian community. But if you interview a lesbian, I'd be interested in you asking her. So just so the lay person who doesn't know what scissoring is. Well, it's just obvious, right? Yeah. So here's a what. Well, but you've got to say what these are, the Vs. Are those scissors?

These are two women's legs, right? Okay. What's in between the legs? For women. Me? Vigina? Vigina, okay. And then you're going to scissor, right?

You're scissoring, but then you're going in like rock paper scissors. Yeah. As in like you have a tie. Okay. Like this. Okay. And I think that that's, I feel like we should call. You know, like when who wants to be a millionaire, you get to call someone.

Call a lesbian friend? Can we? Do you have any? Could I call a lesbian friend? God, I don't know. I think they'll tell us in the comments. Yeah, people in the comments tell us if, so what are we asking them specifically? Cisering is, it's this.

It's this. It has to, what else could it be? Yeah. Right? I mean, I did watch it in a, like a porno the other day. This is what they were doing. They were just literally rubbing against each other. Yeah.

Which I think makes sense because when women masturbate, they're putting like a rabbit or a some sort of vibrating thing on their clitoris. So it makes sense. the two of them, you know, two women doing, it makes sense that that's, that has to be what it is. I wonder if Vulcans do like industrial scissoring, like they do the live long and scissor. I think that's exactly what people wanted is, you know, you give them the vision of two women, and then you're like, let's take it up a notch and talk about Vulcans. This would be two women's lesbian scissoring, and then this would be two Vulcan women's scissoring.

The Vulcans are a little thicker. Well, this is, have you ever seen Star Trek? How did you do that? Oh, my Lord. Live long and scissor. I could do it. Wow, I'm shocked that I could do that. The shocker.

Did you say the shocker? The, um, I think that's... The VO you did on that was a little unnecessary with the slurping. Well, it's Vulcans. Vulcans are slippery. Okay. I think what I think what I think, well, I think when Spock is scissoring with one of his, and by the way, with that haircut, you know Spock's a lesbian, right?

Like full on. For sure. At the bangs and the... Good-looking lesbian, though. It's a good-looking lesbian. Some pock marks under the makeup, but. but you know when Spock gets to scissoring with McCoy down in the sick bay that there's some it sounds like somebody stepped on a treble right I feel like these jokes are better suited

for someone that watches whatever the fuck you're talking about well you can't don't feel alienated because most people don't even know what a scissoring is and by the way if there's any lesbians out there I'm not a lesbian but if there's two lesbians I'm going to staples tomorrow and if two of you want to come and scissor with me in the, you know, the office supply aisle? That's, I feel like, oh, my God, that would be such a good porn. Oh. Like scissoring in the office supply. Cisering in the, yeah, but that's the thing.

You do that and then all of a sudden you wake up with a sticky note on your ass. But that's the fun in it, you know? Okay. Everything's already been done. We're trying to look for a unique spin on it. And I feel like this is your calling. Yeah. I know you dabble in a lot of things producer wise.

This might be a little inappropriate considering your other projects, but it is worth thinking about or maybe throw it down the line to another comic that could maybe do it. Well, what about you get going scissoring in the aisle there and you get those really expensive, like, ink refill things squirting all over the place? Right. Well, it depends on what your budget is for the porn, right? Does the budget cover that? Because if you really want to get wild with it and use your surroundings,

I would think that the ink splurting everywhere would be necessary. Because if there's any place that squirting is appropriate, it's porn. Squirting. Was that what you were watching the other day? You said you were watching. I didn't watch it very long. I didn't even get to see them climax. It was like a weird.

It just, it came up. It wasn't anything I searched for. Oh, to be clear. But sometimes stuff will pop up. And it was like a giant party or something wherever we did it. So it just panned. I mean, you know, whoever the director was was brilliant. It just kind of panned on the women at first, like a nice beauty shot.

Yeah. And then it went to the more graphic, like a DP. And did you turn it off? Yes, I did. I don't watch that sort of stuff. I watched regular stuff where the women are respected. You know, it shocked me when the internet thing started and porn started, like, accessible. I got to be honest, it shocked me when women said they watched it.

Because I grew up in a Catholic family, and I always assumed. that women thought it was horrible and it was, you know, this awful thing that men needed and men watched. But then as I got older and the internet started, like women like just talk about it and admit to watching it, sometimes more than guys that I know. Well, I was raised Catholic too. So talking any sort of sex is a big no-no, but also porn is a huge no-no. But I think now women are just kind of a little more comfortable with their sexuality. I think men are being much more supportive of us being comfortable with it and embracing it. I do still feel like it's more so men than women, but now there's this whole ethical

porn movement. I don't know if you've heard of it. No. Where women are now like directing and shooting porn, where it just shows how to properly treat women because a lot of the way that people have sex and porn is not realistic. Like no one is having sex for that long. No one has that kind of stamina, not even Usain Bolt, you know? So is that a reference you don't know?

Because I'm trying to really drop some sports references that maybe you don't know since you did. No, I know who's saying bold. I just, when you said nobody has that kind of stamina, I just kept my mouth shut. So you feel you do have that kind of stamina? How old are you? Do you mind me asking? Let's just say I'm over 40. Yeah, I'd say I'm age wise. I'm at least an hour and a half long. Okay. You know what I mean? I don't, but I'm going to go with it. Well, you've heard of dog years. Yeah, I feel like the audience will get that. Stamina years. Oh, I love that. Hour and a half. Do you feel like women usually are supportive? surprised at how much stamina you have?

Well, it's hard to be surprised when you walk home like a lobster. I mean, you're walking sideways and bashing into light poles. Wow. There's not much time to think. Wow. Yeah. It's that good, huh? That to me isn't good.

That, to me, sounds exhausting. But wait, what do women, what's the end game for women watching porn? Like, do women watch it? Is it just visually to get aroused or are they doing it to, you know, I hate this term, but rub one out? Yeah, I don't, I think it's a mix of things, right? I think if it gets kind of boring in the bedroom with your long-term partner, you watch you put a little porn on.

That's something you could do, right? Yeah. Or women, like, for me, I don't like casual sex. I like monogamous relationships. So whenever I'm not in a relationship, I feel like I masturbate a lot. So for me, I can't do it without something on. TV or on my laptop. Really?

I need a little bit of support in that. But I also, I'll only use a, like there's this little thing that women use. It's called a rabbit. So it's very quick for me. It's like a three-minute exercise, I guess I'd call it. What's it called? It's just a little rabbit. Yeah.

Okay, you okay? It's a cucumber. I had a feeling the shape of these cucumbers would be a little inappropriate for this show. Harland, are you okay? No, you were talking about masturbating with a... I finished the conversation. Oh, sorry. It's okay.

Um, yeah, uh, excuse me. Um, but, uh, so, so, why do you think you need something to watch? Is it a lack of imagination or is it... Yeah, lack of imagination. It is. Yeah. Huh. Also, I don't want to have to think.

I just want to kind of turn something on, get it going and be done with it and You know, I have a lot of things I like to do throughout the day. I don't want this to take up too much time. Especially because I'm not doing it with someone. It's just a very solo endeavor. So you're kind of like a really, really quick masturbator. Yeah. Like how long?

Less than three minutes. Come on. That's it. I'm sure I could drag it on if I wanted to by maybe watching some bad porn to like kind of get me going. And I've got to find something good. Three minutes. I'm pretty good with this.

search bar. It's kind of like that... I just find something right away and it's great. Yeah, it's like that saying, you ever hear that saying, Dyn'Dash? Yeah. Yeah.

Yours is kind of like, wank and walk. Wank and walk. I like that. I think that's your next merch shirt. Wank and walk. Wank and walk. No,

that could be yours. It could be mine. Thank you. But when women get all beautied up, we've got to shift gears, we've got to get out of the masturbation alley. I literally came into this saying, don't talk about sex.

Really? No. Okay. No more sex. We're done. I'm kidding. But you ever hear this thing? And I know you know the answer.

Women get pretty for other women, not for men. Is that true? No, I feel like it could be to an extent. But a lot of times, like when you'll say, like, who are you getting all dolled up for? Someone's immediate response. And this goes for men, too, is I do it for myself. It's like the number one response of an incredibly insecure person. It is?

Well, there's no way. If that were the case, then you'd get dolled up at home, just sitting at home, cleaning and doing things at home. Yeah, you're right. I do feel better when I get up and get dressed and put myself together for the day rather than roll out of bed and go run errands. Yeah. But getting like really gussied up, like now this is the most gussied up I'll get.

Yeah. It's definitely for everyone. Oh, okay. I'm glad to hear that. Yeah. Because I've heard girls say they do it for other women. And that just pissed me off. It's like, why?

Because women like, I think women really like to be desired more so than men. I know that sounds weird because men are a lot hornier, but I feel like. Well, I don't know after hearing your wank and walk story, I'm starting to wonder. Well, I think outside of me. Yeah, yeah. You think, you think men are hornier than women? Oh my God, yes. Really?

What? Tell me why. Because I, sometimes I go back and forth. Like, I've met women that just seem way hornier than men. Well, maybe out here. I think in most of the world. Really? Yeah.

Well, because with men, there's less attachment. With women, I feel like a lot of times we need an emotional attachment to want someone's dick. But like, sorry, can I say that word? You can say whatever you want. Hang on a second. Yeah. What was it? But with men, you don't need any sort of, you know, someone could walk in right now.

And if you were attracted enough to her, you'd be like, let's, you know. Like if you were somewhere, right? And it was just the two of you, some random girl. and she was like, let's hook up. Mm-hmm. You would not, you're single, you'd be like, all right, well, why not? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes?

Yes, the answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping. as your privacy is a priority.

Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, BetterSex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adameneve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire.

Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Women aren't that.

it's not it doesn't aren't they though no never i don't i can't imagine not one woman that i know that if a man walked in randomly and was like you want this dick she would not say yeah come on really she'd be like 9-1-1 yeah no no i mean come on come on come on guy come on on arland not oh no there's got to be women that because there's also men out there that if a woman threw herself at him he would go Oh, no, I'm a high standing more. I can't do that. Well, majority I'm saying. Really?

The majority of the men would say yes. The majority of the women would say no is what I think. Really? Yeah, I think we took a poll. Wow. I'm regretting bringing these snacks in. Oh, you brought these, Crystal brought these incredible snacks. We'll get back to the other topics because they're important.

sure but you brought these incredible snout you hold that one up sure so that's a tray full of veggies right yeah and this is a tray full of like sweets like peanut butter cups hershys twinkies twinkies skittles now what's the experiment because this is your brain child i love this i'll once i inspired it yeah well the last time i saw you yeah well the first time before that you were like i was like you want some me to drink and you're like yes i love coke you know a few have a Coke there, that's great. Love Coke. So much sugar and Coke.

And then the second time I saw you, that same, you know, within a two-month span, you walked in with an Oreo milkshake because I had a Coke ready for you because I already knew what you like. Okay. And then you gave it with an Oreo milkshake. And you said to me, oh, sorry, I stopped by, you know, McDonald's or something on my way here and got this Oreo shake, but don't worry, I'll drink the Coke. And I was like, if you're not already diabetic, it's coming. It's around the corner.

It's a lot of sugar. Heartland. God, I don't want to be diabetic. Well, you're not. I think you're going to be fine. You're going to get it in check. I mean, picture this. I'm diabetic.

It's a starry Saturday night. Okay. You only have one leg because the diabetes got you. Oh, well, there goes the scissering. You can't scissor. You have a penis. Well, if I tuck it back. Or maybe you use that penis as the other leg since one leg's gone.

There you go. It's long enough. So then that might work. Yeah. Okay. Well, we're improvising here. Okay. I think it would work for you.

Nubing. Yeah, well, the nub, okay, is to the left. I'm sorry. We just can't get to this food. It's all about scissoring. Yeah. Well, you consumed a lot of sugar. I'm on day five.

Oh, yeah. I try to cut sugar out. Sugar-free diet. I am. Well, I'm trying to live better. It's not really a diet. I just want to like some lifestyle changes because I feel like I eat a crazy amount of sugar.

And when you hit your late 30s, your body doesn't react to it like it used to. you like, I've been lucky I have a great metabolism. Yeah. But now I'm starting to learn that metabolisms don't stay that way forever. Wait, have you worried about getting diabetes though? Oh, yeah. Is that how you get it? Like, I don't mean to sound like a complete idiot, but is that the only way to get diabetes?

It's from too much sugar in your diet, or is there other ways? I'm not sure, but for me, I know you can put, you know, usually you'll go to the doctor and they'll test your blood and they'll tell you, you're pre-diabetic, which gives you down the opportunity to, like, take some stuff out of your diet. Take the foot off the gas. Yeah, like the white bread out and all the... Wait, white breads. I was thinking ice cream and twinkies. That too.

Sorry, I'm bad at speaking into the mic. Yeah, that's my favorite dessert, a twinkie. Well, wait, bread is... White bread, yeah, it's a big no-no. It's out the top of the chart, yep. I didn't know that. Mm-hmm. And potatoes.

And potatoes. What? I thought potatoes were mostly starch. It's my favorite. all my favorite. Those are all the things that you're supposed to cut out. First thing I was told to cut out, white bread, potatoes, and then obviously sugary snacks. So then I saw this woman, and I showed you the clip.

Yeah. And she went viral on, I think, TikTok. Okay. She was an elderly woman that was told by her doctor to cut out sugar. By the way, she looked like she was crawling with diabetes. Right, which for me at that point, it's like, just go for it. She looked like Ronald McDonald had just come through a car wash and got stuck in the heat blower at the end. I'm sure she'd find that comment hurtful, but I can, you know, it was a pretty spot on description.

Yeah. I want her hurting. I want her hurting so bad that she gets down on all fours and scissors her own face. So she did this thing where she would smell. Okay. The candy or the sugary food and then eat a vegetable. And she claims it tricked her senses. So the vegetable tasted like the candy, even though she was eating.

So you want me to try this? but you're not going to try it. Well, you're not eating that. So I could do it with you. Oh, we're eating that. See, I think this is why you got excited about it

because you thought I was going to let you eat the candy. But you're not really eating the candy. You're just smelling it. So let me start it. So what do I do? I smell the chocolate. Which veggie do you want? Let's get it queued up.

Let's try the butter lettuce. Oh, this is butter. Oh, that's romaine. Oh, that's romaine. Romaine. Yeah,

I don't know my lettuces. And by the way, if you're ever camping, these are boom you ever why for camping well you ever in the woods no i don't get it you ever been camping oh you mean to wipe bingo baby oh okay so that's like the leaf i feel like this this might work that's good for wiping away scissors juice oh okay this is for the i get it this is for i got to learn my lettuce is better i see yeah okay great great so to talk walk me through Cooper in it.

Okay. Yeah, it's got it. I love that that's about what you're about to put in your mouth. Oh, well, and the chocolate, so. No, you're not putting it in your mouth. I'm sniffing. Okay, but you got to take a really big whiff. You'd be the director.

Right now you're, you're Scorsese. Direct me. Ready? Okay. Harland. Yes. Take a big sniff. Real good one.

Now quickly take a bite. Did it work? No. Oh, come on. I'm not kidding. Well, maybe because the chocolate's not fragrant enough. Are you kidding? This is Hershey's.

They have their own fragrance. And by the way, it doesn't even smell like chocolate. Smells like somebody dipped turpentine on an old lady's leg. I'm going to try it with a Twinkie. Okay. Because Twinkies are my... Wait, let me direct. Okay, you direct.

You are Scorsese? Okay, yeah. I'll be Alfred Hitchcock. Okay, go ahead. I was going to say Michael Bay because all your stamina. Well, it's my podcast. Okay, good. You still take the Twinkie and sniff.

Now take the netis and bite. I think we're doing it wrong. It did not work at all, did it? No, no, not even in the least back, no. I'm going to break this. Oh, wait. I think I know what we got to do. Okay, can I try it?

Yeah, you do it. Okay, so I take the chocolate. Uh-huh. Okay, I sniff it. And then... That's cheating. Tastes just like chocolate. Hold on.

I got to do something to wash that lettuce out of my mouth. Good Lord. You don't like lettuce? Wait, I want to try it. This is because this is peanut butter cup. Oh, I love those. Oh, that one worked. It did?

That worked. All right. You have to get it really close. Oh, wow, that worked. I'm not kidding. So you have to do them both like, right in the same proximity? Can I do it with a raspberry?

Yeah, and then I think we should do. What's it called, ASMR? I think we should scissor. Okay, go ahead. Ready? Well, you didn't say yes. Still didn't see you laugh. You told me to move on from the scissoring,

and I'm just trying to help you keep that. I know, but you said maybe next we should eat some lettuce and some coal slah and some Snickers bars. And I'm like, well, why wouldn't we just go right to scissoring? No, that didn't work. You got to kind of keep your nose. in the chocolate. I hate the wrong one.

Yeah, that one worked. I bit the wrong one. Wait, maybe this will taste like a peanut buttercough. Yeah, because I still got it in my mouth. Yeah. It really does work if you keep it. It really doesn't work. It does.

But why would you want to do it? that you can... Let me chew this into the microphone, because it's a new thing, too. Oh, yeah, you want to chew, you want to do some exotic chewing? Let's do some exotic chewing. Instead of scissoring, we'll do some chewing. Yeah, this is going to make them hornier. Hello, baby. This is a cucumber.

I like to look into your eyes. Yours is good because it's a little more animalistic because you're eating the full cucumber like that. I'm going to do one big. bite. But I can't swallow it. There's too many seeds. There's no seeds in. These are seedless Persian cucumbers.

They are? Yeah, there's no seeds in them. Oh. Do you want a spit tray? Well, there's these little ones. Sorry. It's true. No, I don't want to spit tray.

Do you want a spit tray? No, you're really making this very, you know, I love that you're so accommodating. I am. Hmm. Can we pretend we're on a first date and then every time I ask you a question, you chew like that? Yeah, okay, ready? Oh, my lipstick's on it. So, do you want me to answer the question and then chew, or just chew and then answer the question?

Just chew your answer. You're chewing as the answer. Okay. So it's really nice to meet you. Are you enjoying your work up at IBM? So any plans for the summer? Anything fun? My, I know I don't know you that well, but I have some horrible news.

My grandmother fell down the stairs and broke her back. That's exactly what it sounded like. You son of a bitch. You, wow, that's hot. I have a lot of cucumber. Would you do me a flavor, and right there, there's a seven-up. Would you just, because I got to wash this turn up and parsnip and everything else right out of my mouth. Good God.

Well, I feel like we're doing it. We're doing a, thank you so much. I feel like we're doing, yeah, help yourself. Oh, wait, wait, wait, oh, you got open it on the thing. Oh, yeah. ASMRT, or what is it called? ASMRT? No, no, what's it called when they chew into the microphone?

Annoying. Rude? No, there's a woman. That's Morris Cote. Wow. Fissy. Is he? Is he?

Oh. I have to drink. Oh, yeah. Oh, this has 21 grams of sugar. Oh, damn. It's good. We blew your thing. You did.

It's okay. I deserved it after all these vegetables. Well, that experiment sort of worked but didn't work. I think it's a fail. But you got it to work. I couldn't get it to work, but I have a deviated septum. Oh, that's why. Some say I have a deviated face, but I'm going to stick with septum.

I don't see any deviation from here, but I'm only seeing one angle. How's your septum? Pretty good. You know what I have? What's your worst feature? I'll tell you mine. I don't know if you have a worst feature. I do, I do.

What is it? Can you say it or do? Do you want to say yours first? Yeah. Okay, go ahead. you ever heard the word waddle yes look at this i have like a waddle but it only waddles when you do that it's not like you walk down the street and it waddles i don't know i was walking down in santa monica the other day and i got attacked by a family of pelicans on your i think it was

almost that area called almost like a date rape and then i was at sea world about uh three weeks ago and they threw me out i swallowed a salmon hole like about a 15 pound salmon just You look like you could take it. Yeah. You look like you could. Isn't that weird? And just the name of it, the waddle. Hey, you want to touch my waddle?

It sounds like a sexual part on a woman. Yeah. Like the labia, the vulva, the waddle, the stermina or whatever. What's another lady part, like a technical one? Labia. A teat. No, for the. For the vagina.

Yeah. Should I know more parts? I don't know. I feel like you got them. Okay, okay. You got them. So I don't even think you have a bad feature, but what is it if you have a... I have an artificial toenail on my right big toe.

No way. It's permanently damaged, yeah. So I have a really ugly big toe in my right foot. What happened? When I was younger, my dad, my siblings and I were fighting, and my dad lifted the kitchen table to, like, scare us and bang it down. What? And it went down on my foot.

Oh, man, did your mother freak? Because you must have screamed like, holy hell. I started crying like crazy. was really the bone popped out come on and did your what's your mother do to your dad nothing she was like she probably deserved it wow i was a bad kid well were your siblings flipping out um i think everyone no one really understood what the extreme of it was i think at the time everyone was like oh she's exaggerating she's overreacting yeah she's exaggerating the bone sticking out and they took a closer look at it so wow so now it's disfigured and deformed well it looks good because I put I go to the nail

salon and I have them you know put a fake little thing on there so it looks good it looks normal okay now that I've told you if you were to take a look at my feet you'd be like oh I see yeah I'd probably puke mm-hmm 100% is it discolored is it like green and sort of orange it's just nailless there's just no real nail there it's like a cat getting declawed like imagine your thumb with no nail on it. It would just be so ugly. Yeah, it'd be hard to hitchhike. It would look like your waddle a little bit.

Look at this thing. Yeah. Can you use waddle in a sentence? Not in the way that you're hoping for, but with a different meaning. Go for it. Like I waddled my way to the bathroom. Oh, that, yeah.

But can you use this in a sentence? Like a waddle? Yeah, I feel. like Harlan's waddle is most prominent while doing missionary. I feel like that's when it would really stand out and when it would waddle on its own. Yeah, I would just start flapping. Are you like a missionary guy? Not anymore.

Yeah, I mean, that's what I would think for you. The last thing I want to do is, I mean, I got, I got enough stuff flapping around at that point. I don't need the waddle going. Yeah, that's where I feel like the waddle would really shine. Wow. So, just so we're clear, missionary, we demonstrated scissors. So missionary is when you lay down in between. The woman on her back and the man on top.

It's the most traditional way to intercourse, isn't it? Right. I think it's what the cavemen did. I don't think that they did much more than that. See, I might disagree. What did you think their position of choice was? Well, because if you think of a caveman or what primal, right? So a woman laying down on her back is sort of a very very,

vulnerable position. It's her rolling over and going, okay, I'm submitting. I'm allowing you to take me. And it's something you sort of have to prepare for. You lay down, you open your legs, the man gets down on top. So there's a procedure. But do you think of Neanderthal man or Homo erectus? We think of them as primal hunters and gatherers, taking what they not need, just living off the instinct to survive, eat, sleep, and procreate. That's how the human race sort of got propelled through evolution, right? So now you've got to think a cavewoman's down by the river or the swamp, you know, drinking water. She's hunched over. She's hunched over. She's, you know, maybe doing some kind of primitive needlepoint through a woolly mammoth hide. Maybe she's

bent over picking berries. And I don't find that primal man would walk up and say, good evening, honey, would you like to have intercourse over behind the log? I think Neanderthal man just took. Took it. You know, that old image of him clubbing the woman over the head and dragging it. So I think I would assume like a lot of wild animals,

and let's not, you know, I think we can assume that Neanderthal man had a wild streak. And I'm not trying to, you know, paint a horrible picture here, but this is just reality. I feel like they would have probably just walked up behind and just done it. Right. To be clear, we're talking about rape right now, right? In a sense, yeah. But back then, it wasn't rape because, well, it was rape as we know it.

But to them, it was just, if you ever watch these nature shows where primitive monkeys and chimpanzees and everything, they just jump on each other and go. and then walk away. Right. Or in nature when you see lions, you'll see the males just mount the females and do it and then just walk away and the female. So you've got to wonder,

was caveman sex as polite as the missionary position? Right. Or was it just take what you need, no hard feelings. That's the way it works. We're primitive. We're primates. Am I overthinking this year?

No, I mean, now that you need a twinkie. Please. That's a lot easier to eat. for you than that cucumber. Oh, yeah. It's my favorite snack in the world. Well, it is cream-filled.

But yet, now that you've painted the picture so beautifully for me. But would you concur with that? Like, I'm not just... I agree. I think you're right. I think, for me assuming that cavemen liked missionary, I think that that was a bad assumption on my part. So...

Thank you for clarifying. I believe cavemen loving if they were snuggled up under a cave bear skin or a woolly rhinoceros skin or whatever they slept. under they're huddling together for warmth in the middle of the night they hear the eerie distant cry of the pterodactyl or whatever they do right sorry i'm drooling it's okay i would think i would think that maybe uh conga you know awakened by the eerie distant call of the teradactal or whatever, however you would do it, huh?

Or whatever, however you would do it. I would think maybe he would, you know, open his giant brow and I would open and he just, you know, maybe roll over onto minga or whatever, or ook or onk or whatever. This is the caveman name? This is the cavewoman. Oh, cavewoman is minga?

I like that name. Yeah, mink or whatever, you know, and he'd roll over. over onto her, and then you'd have the traditional missionary. Right. But outside of that, I think they're either just coming in from behind, like, T-Rex style, or they're scissoring on the cave floor. Do you think cavemen scissured?

No. What about three-hole punched? Because there was probably a lot of... Maybe we're like the homosexual cavemen, for sure. Three-hole punched. For sure. Yeah. Yeah, I could see a three-hole punch with cavemen.

Yeah. The gay cavemen. Wow. So scissoring, three-hole punching. You learned a lot today, I feel. Yeah. You learned that this doesn't work. It didn't work for me, but that's the thing.

Maybe it's a male-female thing. Possibly. Because everything's meant, that's what I wanted to ask you question, too, because a lot of your stand-up act, which you've got to go see or do stand-up, it's hilarious. We worked together not too long ago, and you were killing me. But a lot of yours revolves around the men, women, relationship, female thing. And I had some questions about who do you think does things better in a relationship? Like I put a little list together.

Who's better at this, the man or the woman, communication, who would you say wins that prize? Well, I was thinking about this on my way over. I was like upset about something. And I was like, oh, it's... Do you want to talk about it? No. I'll get it out of you. Okay.

I'll scissor it out of you. It's the slurping. You'll scissor it out of me. I hope so. Oh, yeah, I will. No, I was, I think with women, we want to communicate. Okay. But communication for us is a lot of talking.

With men, they just kind of get out what needs to be said. With us, there's a big buildup. You can't really relate as much because you kind of talk like a woman. you tell a long story to get to the point, which is okay. You mean like the caveman thing? The caveman, right. Actually, I wasn't finished. So anyways, no, no, keep going.

Men just kind of want it to be more precise. They want to get to it. But for us, for women, we want you to understand where we're coming from. And we feel in order for you to do that, we really need to take it from the start of things and kind of build up to what's happening. so you get to really understand what's going on in our very complicated minds. So can I make an argument against you being the better communicators? Sure.

Is there a point where in going for all those details and trying to fill in the blanks and make everything so crystal clear, is there a point where you over-communicate? It's too much talking. It's too much data. The man therefore sort of tunes out. And therefore, that makes you the worst communicator because you're, communicating too much. No, because part of communicating is listening and you just prove that men don't like to listen. Oh, I didn't say that. You said that they tune out. But I said that they

too, see, you didn't listen to me. Okay. They tuned out because you were giving too much input. There's, there's giving information that you need and there's going over. Let's say you took your GPS to go to Wendy's for a burger. And in reality, it said, take a left on sunset, go one, mile and take a right on Dahlmer Street, right? Take a right into Wendy's. But then what if it said, take a left on sunset. There's a fire hydrant on the side of the sidewalk. Go past the fire hydrant.

You'll see three trees. There's a man walking his dog. Ignore the old lady peeing in the bushes. Go right past the stop sign that has a sticker on it from Motorhead and take a left into Wendy's. So you're still getting there, but it's way too much. I don't need to know. So I think I just made my point.

I don't know, because you told me a 26-minute story about cavemen. Oh, by the way. And so when they're eating the woolly mammoth steaks, sorry, I'll finish it later. Yeah. I could reference every point in that story. So I think your comment earlier, your observation that I'm a bad listener, was incorrect. And I think that with women, it's different from a GPS because we want you to understand where we're coming from.

We want some empathy at times from our partners. And I think it's important that we take them along for the ride, for them to really see how we're feeling and how we got to the emotions we're at. But see, now aren't you making an emotional lasagna because you're taking what should have been a simple conversation and you're layering in your emotions and the empathy and stuff that maybe has nothing to do with the place you were trying to arrive at and therefore, once again, you overpopulated the communication.

But I think a lot of the times you misunderstand where we're trying to arrive at. Where are you trying to arrive at? That emotional. You're still not there because you've overloaded everything. Because you're a man and you're not letting me talk, Harland. Well, I'm trying to listen, but my mouth won't. That emotional lasagna is our foreplay. You know, people always say make up sex, right?

Okay. If you get straight to the point, there would be no such thing. And for women, I think it's important. to get that every so often. So let me tie this together. It's the only time women will admit that they're wrong. When? When there's makeup sex at the end of it.

So the over-communicating is also in there for not just getting to the point, but it's an added layer of gamesmanship that goes beyond the cost. conversation and into later in the day and possibly into the bedroom. See, these are secrets I'm not really supposed to be telling you. So you've over-communicated, clearly. But you, right. Lucky for you, I'm not listening. But you were game for our...

Pardon me? Desert stuff. What? I'm going to take a sip of water. Is somebody talking? That was very... That slurp. I know I was doing it for you because you're too much of a lot of.

lady to do it. So I did it so you could understand. I was communicating slurping. So in conclusion, who's the better communicate? I know we talked about, we talked a lot of lasagna and cave people, but who, who's the better communicator in the end? I ask you, I won't. Right. I think women, ultimately, I think if we need to get straight to the point we do, because it's just something we're capable of, it's just not what we want to do. Why, though? What, What's in it for you? I can't tell you all the secrets, Harland. I told you one, and I feel like that one is a big gem of a secret that you now have.

And you know, and so do your listeners or viewers, however, they're deciding to take this episode in, you know. Well, okay, as a man, though, can I say that that's a frustrating approach? I can understand how it's frustrating. And they want you to take that frustration out on their vaginas. Are you getting it at all? Talk my ears off and then grab them. What's the next question? Wow.

The way you ended with that, when you end with my vagina, you just won. I know. You're a good communicator. I know how to move on from a conversation. Move on.org. All right, what about this one? Okay. Who's better?

Men are women's spontaneity. Men. Ah, why? we like to plan we like well thought out stuff and it's funny because i'm always the more romantic one in relationships oh that's the next one save that okay i'll save it um but i do think women are are more so planners because we have a lot more on our plate than men do typically like what well especially now because women women work now we're not just slaving away in the kitchen and raising kids yeah a lot of women are doing both or they're also tending to their man i work full time but anytime i'm in a relationship

I'm always very active in my partner's life and helping in any way he needs help. That's nice. Yes. And so with all of that, we just like to take more on, you know, than a man does. Men, it's like you go to your job, you come back. What other things really do you feel like are you being spread thin doing as a man? Give me some examples. Spread thin?

So you work, obviously. Yeah. What else? I don't know. Sometimes you're just spread. thin emotionally because you're working hard and you're maybe you go play to the gym or play some sports and then sometimes you can be a bit exhausted physically and emotionally and you just want to flop right you don't necessarily want to engage in a sensitive conversation or a petty conversation

or a rational sometimes you just want to flop do you ever feel emotionally drained by women who are in your life yes I have and is it because they're very argumentative and won't let go of things Yes. What are some things that they complain about? Oh, gosh. Sometimes it can be something very deep and emotional, and sometimes it can be the most random, stupid thing like, hey, I like the color green since when do you like the color green?

And here we go for a, you know, three-hour argument because I said I like the color green. Do you think maybe it's your fault because you brag so much about your stamina? Well. So they think maybe you've been. could really go for hours in the argument department as well. And then in the end, I can't. Right.

I can't back it up. A lot of times that's what happens when people brag about things. Yeah. I talk a good game, but I don't play a good game. Right. So I said I could go for an hour and a half to six hours. I didn't say that earlier, but I'm adding that now. Mm-hmm.

But when you get me in the bedroom, right. It's almost about, what, a minute. you look in my eyes what would you say I last a minute I would say at tops you know and that's at the top of your game like yeah first thing in the morning after a cup of coffee right I think you're right you're like an onion we're peeling back the layers this is good what does an onion do it makes you cry for you right and you're making these poor girls cry because you're promising them three hours and you're giving them less than a minute yeah do you see where they're coming from now yeah but it feels like three hours it does I'm sure and that's where

you know, you're a little bit mistaken. No, I meant the three hours when I'm sobbing in their arms feels like three hours. I thought we were coming to the conclusion that you might be a little delusional, but I understand that. No, no, do they act as like, and then I need to emote, I need to cry in their arms, be held, nurtured, cuddled. Right. See what I'm talking about?

We have a lot on our plate as women. Okay. I have a seed. She said. Not yours. That's what she said, too. But we're getting somewhere now, Harland. Well, you didn't hear my side about spontaneity.

Okay, go ahead, please. Okay. I think that men are more spontaneous and a little more dangerous because they don't plan as much. And I think, and you can say yay or nay, but I think it makes them a little more fun because a man will say, hey, let's just jump in the pickup truck and go drive,

and we don't need to make a reservation. We'll just find a cool little old hotel, a retro place on the side of the road. Do girls like that? I feel most women love that. Oh, they do. Good. That's been my experience. Yeah, I think most women would love that.

I think I don't like surprises. I don't like to get, I don't like to be caught off guard, which is weird. But most women do. But why don't you? Like, you wouldn't like it if your guy just said, hey, baby, you don't need to know, just jump in the truck, throw some stuff in a bag. We're going for a week. end out this way and we'll stop when we stop and we're just going to be a road trip and

that doesn't no does that give you anxiety or something it does it does interesting and it's weird i'm not high maintenance i like to do very like casual things we take a lot of road trips i you know i drive out to zion national park twice a year camp out there it's great my favorite god but i wouldn't want anyone to say like hop in because i like to be prepared for everything yeah so i just feel like any sort of surprise I'm just unprepared. Maybe I'm a little A-type and that has a lot to do with it too. But yeah, I'm not big on surprises. Okay.

So it sounds like in your relation, the man would be the more spontaneous. Okay. And that brings us around to the one you brought up romance. Who's more romantic? It's hard for me to speak on this because I'm like the most romantic person in the world. So, but, and it's funny because I was always like, you know, the last guy I was with was super, super romantic. It was the first time I had ever been with someone who was romantic.

More than you? More than me, more than I think anyone in the world. Wow. And it was exhausting to be around. Because any little thing I would do for him, he felt like he had to reciprocate times 10 because he was the man. Oh, wow. Yeah. So became competitive almost?

A little bit. And it's just my natural nature to just be romantic and do sweet things. I'm just a thoughtful person. My dad was the same way. Oh, yeah. Especially when he smashed your foot with the time. table yeah that was him being thoughtful like hey you know get your head and get your head right yeah now if if a man is your poor dad your poor dad your poor tables well is if a man's too romantic though

like if a guy's like overdoing it with the flowers and running your bath and a gift every night does that get a little almost effeminate does that sort of step on the manliness can can you overdo the romantic play? As a man or as a woman, you don't want to do that because then you're sort of love bombing someone. There's an interesting term. Describe that term. Well, it's when you kind of, it's all, it's kind of a manipulation tactic where you're just kind of blindsiding them with all this romantic stuff so that they like you. And then one day it just kind of goes away.

But I think also you don't want to give too much in the beginning of something because then someone's constantly going to have their hand out. and that's what the relationship's going to be. So I think there should be a buildup to these things. I don't think, I think little sweet things are nice in the beginning. But unless it's like a long-term committed thing or where you guys have really gotten to know each other, I don't think the surprises or the romance should be that big of a deal.

Unless, again, it's someone you've known for a while and you've really been pursuing this person. You finally get that chance to be with them. But I think you should get to know each other because you don't want the person going into this thinking, I'm going to get things out of this person. Yeah. So this is a good person for me.

You want them to be interested in you and you alone. Yeah. Not what you can do for them. Yeah. I think you're bang on with that one. And one thing I'll add is I think if your relationship goes the distance, I think it's important to drop periodically those little romantic gestures. Never let them trail off completely.

Like every now and then bring home a little gift or take. take them out or say something like that, that should be continual, I think. I agree. And everyone's different. Some people, what's the book for the acts of service? Some people are different. They like gifts, some like acts of service, some like, I think affection. I'm saying it all wrong.

But everyone, some women need that where they need little trinkets here and there from their partner. And it doesn't necessarily even mean that they need to be expensive, but they just want to know that you spent your day thinking of them. Yeah, yeah. And then others, it's very important for them to spend quality time, physical time with their partners. And then for me, I'm super affectionate to the point where I feel like I might be the most affectionate person I know ever. All my friends have said that, but I'm affectionate with everyone, my girlfriends, partners. That's kind of cool.

That's beautiful. I love hugging, holding hands. It is beautiful, but I think it could be overwhelming sometimes for some people. It can be. Is there a thing that someone does to you that's affectionate like that, they do something and it annoys you? You know, sometimes you're sitting in a movie theater

and maybe someone puts their arm around you or the way they hold your hand, it's annoying. Never. I love affection. Unless it's a random stranger doing it, then that's an issue. But I don't think I've ever, I have like a good,

I'm pretty good at judging what type of people I'd be interested in. So I would never go on a date with someone I'm unsure of being attracted. to or being into so i've never been in a situation where i'm like at a movie and a guy's putting his arm around me on a first date and i'm like oh this fucking asshole you know i'm usually into it you know what i hate is and it's a it's a nice sign of affection that that women do but some of them like to go like this up and down your i call that tickletations it drives me insane like i hate it like you hate it but you love it no i hate it it it just that oh it annoys you i thought you're talking about

what's getting you revved up. No, it annoys me. And it's like you can't. What annoys you? Is it itchy? It's just, it's an irritating, like it's not a grab. It's not a, it's just. I wouldn't be into that either, to be honest.

And you're watching the movie and I, the amount of times, you know, they have the drink and the cup holder. The amount of times I like pull away and thank God for those drinks because I can, you know, I can literally break the thing. And then I'll just hold my drink for an elongated period of time and just be like, sipping or you should switch it up like if she's doing that just grab her hand and just hold it i've actually on occasion just told girls i said this i hate this don't do it good good and you kind of got it you got to you got to communicate like yeah did they cry ever and turn it into a

three hour conversation it i think it comes back it all comes back and you know that's the thing it's such a it's such a crazy dance right um we talked about getting competitive You obviously clearly know how to do your makeup. It's immaculate. Thank you. I've done it the same way since I was like 17. It looks great. Thank you.

I do a thing. Would you be competitive? Would you feel intimidated if I put a little makeup on here in front of you and tried to kind of see if I can kind of shh the shh. Well, then I would feel like I was brought here with false pretenses because I was told this was going to be about me, and now you're making it about you. I know, but the conversation, which is half you,

is about being competitive. And I think if I do this and it brings something in you out, it's right back on you. So let me show you, and we'll go from here. I use something called, I shop at Sephora. Okay. And I use Cat Von D's Midnight Star Splash. While you're really going for it.

Sprinkled with cinnamon. Okay. And if I just applied a little eye shadow to kind of, you know, bring my playing field a little bit. Yeah. Sure. And see. Are we competing for scissoring or what's happening? Well, I don't know.

Let's see what comes out. Okay. And I don't need a mirror. I don't need a mirror. I just, I just do it. I did this when you're, when you're using cat von D's. Wow. That's really highly pigmented eye shadow.

Yeah. Well, I like to, uh, I like to pop and drop as they say. Okay. You're definitely popping and dropping. There we go. Cat Von Dees, midnight. Wow. I like that you just went for the expensive Shadow versus CVS brand. I respect that. That sounded a little catty and competitive, to be honest.

Because I think that just kind of tells the audience that you know that I don't wear cheap shit. So you really wanted to come and bring it. So you hit us with the Sephora. And Kat Von D, she's popular, doesn't go on sale. So you paid premium pricing to come bring it. it today, and I think that that shows a big sign of respect to me. Okay. Whether you like to admit it or not.

No, I like the way you kind of came at me hard, like a freight train running in the night, hit a moose, hit an elk, hit a caribou, tossed them in the air, really kind of knocked me down a lot of pegs, like Helen Keller doing tiling on a roof and falling down the ladder with braces on her legs. Sure. And then you sort of brought me up at the... end and that was kind of crafty you kind of knocked me down but then sort of lifted me up right but part of me wonders if you lifted me up so you could knock old helen keller down again see how i do it

right if you would have come with some wet and wild shit i would have felt disrespected and i probably would have gotten up and left but you came with the good shit and um because of that i'll allow it I fight fire with fire, and now I'm going to put on another layer. Okay, there we go. Oh, you're really going for it. I'm into it. This is called Midnight Moon Dance, Cat Von D.I watch. I love that you're not even trying to stay in the lines.

Well, some of us can wear their stuff without having to be all articulated, whatever that means. Wow. Jealous much? Yeah, I am. I can hear it in your voice. I am. I like how it really brings out the gray in your hair. the blue.

Well. And I like how you... It sounded like an insult maybe. Add it a little to your nose too. Is that like to contour it or... No, I did that on purpose because it's... I call it the triangle effect.

And it just kind of, when people are looking at you, it makes my nose look more linear. That's contouring, just so you know. Maybe to you. Well... I like how it matches my background. Your eyeshirt. Well, I think it matches mine even more.

Okay. Dark blue versus. Where do you plan to go with all this eye shadow on? I'm going down to Mary Calenders tonight. And me and some of the girls are going to have some meat pies, some crab puffs. And then we're going to go throw our tampons at school buses so you can stick them to the windows. Is that what you think? think women do? Well, I know me and my gals do. Okay. You have a pretty strong crew.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. How do my eyes look? Are they popping? I mean, would I consider you competition at this point in my life? Um, no. But, you know, I did have an awkward stage in my 20s, and I feel like back then you could have been competition for me. Today, no, you know, it's just... Do I look the least bit feminine at all? You do. Then I have to ask. Especially with the Princess Leia had phones. Right. The way that they're on. So if I got a little bit of a woman vibe gone.

You're kind of doing like a K.D. Lang for me. Oh, wow. A little bit. What was their song? Helpless shelter or whatever? I'm not sure. You never went to Lilith Fair? It was before my time. Okay. Do you have makeup removal?

If I could just seduce the camera for a minute. You ever seduce the camera? All the time. Try it. No, no. It's a different kind of video. I've got one this round. Yeah, you did.

This is all you. It's your time to shine. All right. I have to take a step back at times. It's like charity work. What's that? This is when I do my butterfly kisses with my cat von D. Midnight Star Splash with cinnamon.

Can I see them? Oh, you can't hear it. It's a harp. I can hear it. Yeah. Butterfly kisses. This is to my viewers. It's a little treat I do for them when I.

Do you know how to do butterfly kisses? It's just your eyelashes, right? Yeah. Do you want to do one together? You do one to your camera and I do one to mine. Okay. Ready? Three, two, one.

I swear. Another one. Am I the first person you've put makeup on for? Yeah. Thank you. Well, I told you, what did I say at the beginning? You're the most beautiful. beautiful person we've had on the podcast and I know I had to play hard it was brave I had to get out

on the court play hard take the shots not a lot of people want to come you know in one minute in one minute right especially me not a lot of people want to go to bat you know and you came and you brought it did what all this competitiveness has had me work up an appetite. So I'm eating your rabbit's food. Hey, you brought it, not me. All right, before we get to our last segment, there's another segment. The final segment, we do it with everyone. You're going to like it because it involves fashion. Before we get there, tell people about where they can see you, where they can find you on your Instagram, tell them about how they can get in touch with Crystal. all okay you can follow me on social media i am crystal marie i have a new podcast coming out in a month

it's called call me mommy it's about women's health you're going to love it a lot of what we discussed today like scissoring and um you know the makeup of the female vagina things of that really so this was sort of like a warm a preamble to that warm up a little bit i have a feeling you're going to have a whole neanderthal segment now i i do think it's important that i mention that You know, because it's supposed to be all the things your parents were supposed to teach you, but didn't. But I did. I bring in, right, bring in a lot of health professionals and maybe you can help me find a specialist in the caveman. Yeah.

Well, you used to be, or you are an EMT, right? I went to UCLA for UMT. I graduated there for UMT training, yeah. Which means. EMT training. Which means if I want to go be an EMT, I can. No, but what's an EMT to the lay person? Most people watching my show don't know stuff.

Oh, really? They don't know what an EMT is. They don't know. Most of them don't even know what an AT&T is. Okay, well, EMTs. So we are like the fluffers. We take care of the person. We're the first ones to get there,

but then we're just kind of shoot away. Get where, though? When there's an emergency, when someone comes 911 and you need an ambulance. Yeah. First, usually the first person to arrive to the scene is an EMT. EMT. And the paramedics come and we'll shoot away.

Imagine if you were there and you were dying. you had a gunshot wound. And instead of an EMT showing up, E.T. showed up. Oh, wow. And beat you there. But I feel like he has those secret powers. Right. He has that glowing fingers so he could just heal you before you guys got there.

And you're like, didn't you get shot? And they're just like, oh, no. Well, tell them more about your podcast. And also you're where they can follow you if you want or see your stand-up comedy. Follow me. I am Crystal Marie. I post everything there. Anytime I'm going to be on stage,

anytime I'm in a new city. It's all there. Good. Yeah. It's very easy. Just follow me on social. Yeah. That's exciting.

Congratulations on the new podcast. Thank you. Really loving that makeup. Well, it's not, I don't love it. It's my audience loves my butterfly kisses. Well, they're so soft and gentle.

Have you ever had a butterfly or moth land on you in your sleep and lay eggs? Do they request the butterfly kisses? Like, does your audience usually comment? In the comments, more butterfly kisses and so. You should try one with like a wave. Oh, you're going to come in my camera. That's aggressive.

I just want to make sure everyone gets enough, you know, butterfly kisses. You don't feel like I've given enough love to the... Well, you gave, you did it once if you want to do one more. Oh, I don't. Are you sure? I feel like I gave them a lot today. A shoot on camera. Yeah.

The final segment, I think you'll like this. This is called, ready? Yes. Words from a wooden shoe. Okay. And this is an authentic Dutch clog. Okay. And how it works, Crystal, is you reach inside.

You don't look. There's random words in here. And you read the word and tell us if it relates to you in any way in your life, a story, a memory, something you saw. Okay. So it's just. sort of random reach on in there words from a wooden shoe yeah stretch actually move your mic away and just do a nice long stretch if you don't mind yeah just take your time stretch to the roof okay what do we got words from a wooden shoe the words are words are

Well, it's spelled wrong, but it's supposed to be psychological trauma. Well, maybe it's spelled right and someone doesn't know how to communicate. Psychological trauma outside of this podcast, is there any story or memory that relates to? There might be too many for this podcast. We should have started with this. You know, my parents are Iraqi immigrants. There's a lot of that from my childhood. Is there one, one, one, stuff?

stellar, standout trauma that we can leave our viewers on an upbeat, happy note at your pain and suffering and hurt. It's a good question. Let me think of a good one. Yeah. I'll do some butterfly kisses, will you? Please do well, I think. I have to have a couple raspberries around.

Oh, you need some raspberries? Okay. I was aggressive. Well, you said you wanted some. raspberries that was another time when you yeah when you do the raspberry that's when you're waddling starts to waddle more too oh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha wait wait you're the raspberry it's a butterfly wall ready

see that how it did that did it vibrate oh god I feel ill that's this is psychological trauma on me now you saying that is actually psychologically traumatized. What's your psychological trauma that you've had prior to this episode? Okay, but you're the, you're the guests, you have to tell it, but I'll tell one, but I want to hear you first.

Okay, what's a good psychological trauma for me? Maybe it'll jog my memory. Oh, God, I don't know, maybe going to boarding school. I remember it was sort of a violent place. I remember seeing a lot of sort of, who sent you to boarding school? My parents, but I had

this one roommate who was an older guy. He was like, he was a bit older than the other boys. He was like two years older, but he went there, but he was a little bit mentally slower. And he had severe epilepsy. And he'd have these fits and he'd get,

and he was sort of like, there's a little bit almost forest gumpy. And so some of the other kids would pick on the poor guy, but he's kind of a big guy like a gentle giant. And our boarding school was way out in the country and not far from it. was a railroad track like the trains went down the railroad track and one day that they were just like sort of tormenting this guy this kind of gentle giant who was a bit kind of slow and and and all of

sudden he just sort of snapped and he didn't know how to handle everything that was coming at him and and he started running he ran out of the school and he ran out the front gate and he ran down the road and he was running near the railroad and a train was coming and you just hear you know it's coming in the distance now he starts running right beside the railroad tracks and he's going to run in front of it and me I was his roommate me and one of the other guys literally had to run beside him and kind of like body check him away from the train and I just remember it was sort of traumatizing because he was such a vulnerable sort of guy you know he was a simple guy but he didn't know how to handle being picked on and he didn't

understand and it was sort of it was it was psychologically traumatizing because you you saw how delicate humans are and how cruel and vicious they can be where they find a weakness and instead of you know nurturing the weakness they they traumatized the weakness right and it was tough to see this guy who physically probably could have crushed all of them, but didn't have the means or the mental capacity to handle it. Right. And instead, he just looked for this simple way out, which was to run in front of this oncoming train.

And I was like, it always stayed with me. Yeah. That is very traumatizing. I sort of blame his parents, too, because I wondered if they maybe put him in the school to try and get him out of the way because he might have been work. Because he didn't belong, like, I don't say he didn't belong there, but, you know, boarding school is a very kind of tough place. Why were you sent there?

My parents just sent me there. Did you come from a lot of money? Aren't boarding schools expensive? They did okay. Good. But they said it was to get me a higher education. I secretly think it was to get me out of the house because I was a bit of a troublemaker. Were you an only child?

I was the one boy out of four, five kids, four sisters. Wow. So I, I, I, I, to this day, don't know if I buy their to get a better education, but, but at any rate, this is funny, because they just try to get rid of you in a Middle Eastern household. If it was one boy and five girls, the boy would be the golden child. Yeah. So it's interesting how white people treat their, treat their boys. Get them out. Get them out.

Get that son of a. Yeah. But it, but it was, yeah, so it was sort of like the wrong environment for this kid. This kid need, I think, a gentler place. It wasn't a place where he could thrive ever. Yeah, it was, and it wasn't just that day. It was constant, like, kind of every day you saw something. Or if it didn't happen that day, you knew it was coming.

People would kind of stick the, poke the stick through the cage. So that was a little, you know. But in a way, it also, it taught me a lesson. It wasn't bad, but it also sort of taught me to be kind to people. And when you do see someone that, you know, isn't. at a certain level or if someone's hurting or down you you show compassion and you you try to help and not be that cruel entity you know so well that was sweet that you knew from a young age to show compassion i think that's a beautiful thing about you i didn't learn how to show a lot of compassion

until i got older okay but now i feel like i overdo it i'm so sensitive i feel like the older i get the more sensitive i get so okay though it's better to be that way than the other right yeah that is I'll tell you my traumatizing thing. Here we go. When I got my period, my parents never, my mom never spoke to me about any of these things. The first period. My first ever period. Right.

I was in the sixth grade. Okay. And I didn't know what was happening because no one's ever talked to me about it. Right. So I was cramping up. I was feeling sick. My teacher was like, what's wrong with you? And sixth grade is kind of a little early for a girl to get her period.

Especially me because at the time I was like really, really, really. thin. Yeah. So I ended up going to the hospital because I had no idea what was going on. Oh. They ended up taking me to the hospital thinking like something was wrong because I had turned pale white. Whoa.

And I kept like crouching down, whatever. So again, no one talked to me about it, but then the doctor was like, you're getting, you know, you got your period, blah, blah, blah. So I didn't know that you only get your period because sex education didn't come until the eighth grade. Right. So I didn't know you only get your period once a month. No one talked to me about it.

My mom, even after that, didn't talk to me about it. You know, she was forced into an arranged marriage, had my brother at 18, me at 19. She didn't know. There was a lot she didn't know either, you know, that her mom didn't talk to know about. So I didn't know you get it once a month. So I wore a pad for a full year.

I was wearing a pad for a full year thinking I just, I was supposed to wear them forever. You're like the original SpongeBob Square pants. Here's where the trauma comes in. Whoa, okay. So back then, pads were not like how they are now. Now they're very thin and they capture everything you needed to capture. Back then, they were giant.

They looked like diapers. Yeah. So people would say I had like a saggy ass because for a full year I had these giant pads on me. Well, you know you're supposed to wear it on the front, right? Yes, but it's so long. It went right up your crack. I had the cheap ones, you know. We didn't have, we didn't have the big butts for, you know, the always.

We got the generic brand, which is a lot thicker, you know, so. The Costco tampons. Yeah, pads, not even the tampons. Oh, the Costco pads. I was told you'll lose your virginity if you wear a tampon. So I didn't wear a tampon until I hit like 19 or 20. I didn't start tamponing. Actually, yeah, until after 20 because I lost my virginity in my 20s.

So that was when I felt it was safe to wear a tampon. Yeah, I was traumatizing. One of my fat sisters had one of those giant pads on and it was unbelievable. Hers said Home of the Whopper on the front of it. Funny. But so that was traumatizing for you because the kids thought you had some type of deformity. Yeah.

And then one guy was like, oh, you look like you have a fat pussy. It was just a lot of weird. In grade six? Mm-hmm. Some kid in your class in grade six knew about a fat pussy. Yeah. We dated after that. Wow.

Wow. Fat pussy. You don't hear that a lot. No. You don't even know what that means. Like, what does a fat pussy mean in the sixth grade? Yeah. Like, you're feeding it well?

What's happening? Yeah. Maybe you're overfeeding it? Right. When you unzip your pants, it like thuds to the floor. But how disappointing you think someone has a fat pussy, but it's a pad? Yeah. Or maybe not.

I can't imagine. At least you'd have a place to rest your head. True. Very pillowy. Yeah. Well, I feel like I'm a little traumatized by that. At least I thought you were going to have one of those first period stories where you went and you had white jeans on and it went off.

No, because I had those giant paths. So that wasn't anything I ever had to worry about. Wow. Mm-hmm. Okay, folks. Sorry. No, that's a good story. I just had to one up your Boo Radley story.

That's who I would think that guy you grew up with. Did you ever read To Kill Mockingbird? It's a Pooh Radley, yeah. Does you remind you a little Boo Radley? Boo Radley, played by, what's his face, the guy from Apocalypse now, J.D. Salinger, to kill a mockingbird, played by Robert DeVall, and starring Gregory Peck. Wow. I was just talking about the book, but you're going in deep. That's the movie. And then in the book, there's that famous scene where the little girl whose name is it, is it Tig? What's the little girl's name?

I don't remember her name. It's a goofy name like stick or tig or something. And I always laughed. It was scary, but I laughed. But she went to the high school dance with her little sister or little brother. And she dressed up like a giant ham or a pork chop. And I never forget. She was like running down the street because Boo Radley came out

and visualizing her dressed as a giant piece of meat. It was the weirdest, it was the weirdest story, but it was so cute. Mm-hmm. To kill a mockingbird. That's like a kind of intense book to force kids to read. Yeah. It's part of our curriculum for school. Yeah.

But it was good. It was a really well-written book. Mm-hmm. And if you've ever had a mockingbird, by the way, the state bird of California, the mockingbird. Oh, it is. Yeah. You know who loves mockingbirds?

Who? Tom Rhodes. Comedian Tom Rhodes. Why? I don't know. He's got a bunch of stuff at his place. He does podcasting it out of his place, and you can see the, he tries to bring them all in. See, that's a huge error.

Why? Because mockingbirds are the rich littles or the Frank Calendos of the bird world. They're called mocking birds because they can imitate the cry, the call, the song of every other bird. So that's why they say they're mocking them. They're tricksters. They can imitate their masters of mimicry. And the other thing people don't know, and Rhodes probably is going to learn this the hard way, is they're one of the only birds that start singing when it's still dark.

So if you have a mockingbird nesting near your home within 50, 60 feet, they will, to defend their territory, they're very vocal, they will start defending their territory at about 3.30 in the a.m. when it's still dark. and one of the only birds that sings in the dark. So not only do they do their own voice, but they do the call of 60 other birds. So if you have one nesting in your area, you are not going to sleep.

They are loud, they are piercing. And when there's no other noise and you're trying to sleep, it's like a car alarm that's getting date raped by a Morris Code machine or something. So you don't want mocking birds in your hood. Right. This got intense. This got a turn.

Yeah, this got really angry. Yeah, I was into it, though. I listened to every single word you said, so. All right, then since you're such a good communicator, communicate it all back. Well, all I know is you're clear of the mocking words. It's not what I said. You also said that they sing at night, and that sounds like a nightmare. You also said that I dethroned every other person on this podcast for best looking.

So I hope I have no beef with jesselnick. I would hope not. well you did you can't count this is your podcast you don't get to count okay guest was the word and I'm not going to argue with you unless this is your alter ego that's considered a separate guest of me I don't eat waffles okay if you want some alter egos that made you know a lot of sense wait did you say egos or egos I said egos okay I thought you said egos I wasn't alter ego alter igos now i want and i go yeah i see i win all right here we go ladies and gentlemen crystal thank you so much for being here harland you are so fun check her out go to her

instagram and say the pod the new podcast one more time call me mommy mommy i do as i'm told that's it for today everybody that's a good little man do what you're told, sorry. Thank you for being here. Until next time, chicken chowmaine, everybody. This is insane. Wait, can you do me a favor?

When I bite into this soft cookie, just to mess with people's minds, you bite into the crunchy. Sure. So we freak them out. The textures don't match. Ready? That's what you call a mind fuck.

We'll see you next time, loser. Thank you.