The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #59 - HOWIE MANDEL, Comedian, Actor, Podcaster, TV host.

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

Hilarious Howie Mandel gets a taste of his own game show, and also receives potential cure for his germ phobias. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howie Mendel, seal or no seal? Take your time. Think about what this would mean to you and your family. Seal or no seal? No seal! Let's move on. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show.

Harland Williams. Do you want headphones or no? Oh, you got on already. Yeah. I didn't even realize you. You said I had black plastic ears. You're like the new Mickey Mouse. Yeah.

Do you want me not to wear them? No, no. Wear them. I just didn't know whether you're... Most people... I don't know. Do you play things? Yeah. Okay, so then I would need them, right?

Yeah, we're going to play something that's really crucial, important to this episode. Then yes, I would like headphones. You would? One more pair. You want another pair. Well, as many as I can get. God damn it. It's all right.

Let's go with these. I only have two. Let's go with these. Okay. Howie Mandel, welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Do you want me to hit the theme music while I'm introducing you or do it solo, Howie Mandel. While you're introducing me.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Harlan Highway. No, do it solo, like without the music. Go ahead. Okay, ladies and gentlemen. That's dry. Does it need something? I think it needs. I'm being honest.

I mean, I just, I didn't know until I heard it. Do it with the music. The theme music. I think so. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Harlan. No, I can see you're not. It throws.

I just think it's clear. And you know what? You can do it in post, like after you can make it. Yeah, because I saw you, I saw you sort of grimace. I did a little. What if I do this? You've got the cans, I wonder it like three, are you familiar with decibels?

You know what? Start with more because you can always pull it back, but you can't add, right? Right. Or maybe it is. That's the first rule of decibels. You can always pull it more, but you can't have it back. I don't know.

That's Newton's. Is a decibel a sound measurement? It's a, but it's metric. So decibel is from the metric system. It just used to be called level. But now it's decibel if you're done. That's from the Latin 10. Yeah.

It is. So why don't we try it again? I'll move it a decibel and then eventually we'll start the show. But let's see what happened. Oh. Whoa. What's doing? I'm doing this.

Sorry. Is that a joke? Do you just got decibeled, player? Oh, okay. Player got decibel. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, God.

Slory. Peter Lorry. Hang on. Okay. I'm going to lower the decibels. I think that feels good. What do you think? It's really loud in my, in my headset.

How's that? How's that? That's that? That's it? Is that better? I'm not. I'm not getting anything. Wait.

Is the music playing now? How about this? Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, I can hear you now. Yeah. I can hear you now. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Harland Highway for the 15th time, which is a record. Congratulations with Howie Mandel.

Hi, Howie. Hi, Harlan. How are you? Hi. that's called a fade oh okay it's called a fade which is a haircut it's a type of a haircut right isn't that like if you go in i don't know because i don't do haircuts yeah you can get a fade is that what rachel had on friends that's a sunset which is also a type of fade can i just say something you can the view here yeah it's just like the true california view i mean the palm trees

Just a little bit of overcast. Yeah. It's sort of a cross mix of California, Miami Vice. But you know what's amazing with your view? Yeah. Is when you look out onto the sunset, you can see your own shadow. And a lot of the vistas around the globe, you can't. Yeah.

This is what we offer up here. Yeah, look at your shadow. It's like you're like... At sunset. You're like the nostrid ammo. What's the... vampire's name, Nostra Amis, the Nostrophato.

No, wasn't that, the first Dracula, the bald guy you're talking about. Nostral Damien. I just called him Bald Dracula. Bald Dracula with that long shadow. That's kind of like, at least I know you're not a vampire, you have a shadow.

We can do shadow puppets in the, I don't want to. I do. Go ahead. Okay. Oh, you're going to do in the desert. It's a rattlesnake. I know.

I know, but they don't. They're not like us. They don't know stuffs. We do. I know you know this one in the desert. It's not the same. It was not the same one? Is that different?

This is different. The rattlesnake was s, but this is the other with the, the I do know what it is but it's also a star sign no no no can I just say something yes please I don't want to say what it is

because I think that it's good to engage an audience and like why take away the fun from the audience and tell them what it is where they're probably watching and listening and guessing and if I if I give them the answer then I'm taken away I think today in today's day and age in any kind of media you want engagement

I'll leave it to the audience. You figure out what it is. Are you talking to me or them? To them. Okay, well, can I, so I shouldn't tell them what is? You want me to tell them? If you want to. Okay, so that was my friend, Harlan Williams, going,

that was if you're just listening because they can some people listen to this oh yeah this is audio so that was me doing harland so they don't think it was the same right right yeah but can you tell them what that actually is though like oh that's creature it's a creature we're all creatures that was harlan harland harland williams from canada brilliant comic going Why won't you say Scorpion? I don't know why you won't say it. Who's a scorpion? Dude.

How do you know? Come on, guy. Oh, my God. I thought, because you gave a hint, I was sure it was a Capricorn. Because you said it was like a star sign. Are you a Scorpio? No, Sagittarius. What are you going to do?

Power suck. You were on my podcast and you talked. It is. Power suck. At first I thought it was ridiculous. But it works. It does work. And once you start, there's no going back.

It foams it up in your mouth. Yeah. You know what I wanted to start with today, Howie? Yes. By the way, Howie Mandel, TV star, podcast. Do you want to plug your podcast right out of the gate? Because you know no one's waiting today. the end. You're right. They don't, uh, I don't think anybody waited past the introduction. I think

yeah, they're probably already gone. So just for us, you were on my podcast, you were great. It's called Howie Mandel does stuff. I do it with my daughter, but you know that. Yeah. There's nobody listening or watching. It's just us. We know. I talk to myself sometimes. You talk to yourself? I do. I do too. I sing to myself. I actually still sing in the shower. Really? Yeah, I have a a few favorites. I sing when you wish upon a star by Jiminy Cricket. Yeah. And I sing, we are the champions by Queen. You gave me fame and fortune and everything it goes with it. I thank you all. And in the shower, it sounds good. Well, there's bubbles all over my groin and stuff. Really? It's a lot of people sing in the shower. I do sculpture. No way. In the shower. With what? Butter?

No. The shower? I don't know what you don't take. I just, I'm working with bronze now. Wow. Clay, bronze, stone. Wow. I don't speak much Spanish, but I'm going to throw this out you. El Deliccio.

Your sculpture. Thank you. El Delicio. Grazie. Guy. Grazie. I wanted to start today with an aptitude test. Okay.

Because I feel like, you know, we want our people, the people listening, whoever's listening. And I want to try to figure out a bit. You're a complicated guy. You're complex. I am. Yeah. Go ahead. A lot of layers.

Figure me out. Go figure. Here we go. Abtitude test for Howie. You're walking along a dirt road. You find a key on the ground. Okay. You come to three doors.

Behind one door is a starving tiger. another a beautiful naked woman and the other an elderly priest with four full bottles of Newman's own oil and vinegar salad dressing. Now, there's a red door, a green door and a black door. Okay.

Which door does Howie Peck? Well, here's the conundrum. I'm colorblind. Are you cereal? How did you pull that out of? me like people don't know that a lot of people i go on a lot of shows and people don't do their research but you buddy yeah i you could look it up you could google it there's been there's a company that sent me glasses that correct colorblindness these are not the glasses but that is a what a what a

wonderful way to get to a very personal it's all part of the aptitude test i am colorblind and you know i'm okay with it that's why i'm not allowed to get i i went to try to get my pilot's license and I wasn't allowed to get that. Oh, okay. Well, then let me just do a little on-the-fly adjustment here, okay? There's three doors. Okay. A brown door, a brown door, and a brown door.

Okay. Which, and one has a tiger, one has a beautiful woman, and one has the priest. Okay. I'm a Jew. I'm afraid of animals. Can I have, like, what am I going to do with the naked woman? Do I look at her? Do you touch her?

We don't get into that until you've gone through the door. You have to pick the door. We don't know what you've picked. Why wouldn't I pick the naked woman? Let's say I'll pick the brown door with the naked woman. Let's say we rename them. We do green door, door one, red door two, and black. Two, two is the naked woman.

I keep saying the naked woman. How can I get to the naked woman? Tiger. You just walked into the naked. No, I want to go to the naked. Too late? No, you pick two. Look at Tiger.

Number two, we said red. Now you're in the door. This is the next part of the aptitude test. Do you know what aptitude means, guy? Is that the second question? No. You're in... Yes, the aptitude means the height that you're flying at.

Well... Right? Yes. Like you're not allowed to release your seatbelt. or recline until they reach certain. You can't get Wi-Fi until you get to a certain aptitude. Right. So now you're in the door.

You've picked the door with the hungry tiger. What does how we do inside this room? I scream, fuck, I thought this was the naked woman. Right? It was the wrong door. I say, I'm colorblind, I'm confused. I don't have an aptitude. I was looking for a hungry woman and I got wild pussy I don't I don't know what to do I don't know

what to do okay this is part of the test no I get it I feel like I'm right in the midst of this test yeah am I doing good on this test well we're not finished yet I know I could tell but you don't know what to do I don't know what to well with a tiger I think I stand you stand very still and make yourself look large is that like or that's bears that's bears I Well, now you're kind of going into what I was doing earlier. Scorpio, yeah. Because tigers probably will stay back from a scorpion. That's true.

Right? A scorpion is poisonous, and it's probably a predator. Tigers don't eat scorpion. Yeah. I don't know what I'm doing now, but I'm down a... This is the aptitude test. This is Harlan's Highway. Yeah, you're looking for a solution.

you're confused, you're scared, and now our audience has a handle. I have a handle on what I'm working with. Okay. Scared, confused, in need of a naked woman, a Jew, and sort of a mime artist type of deal, is where we're at with today's guest. It's uncanny, the ability you have.

Right? Amazing. Thank you. I'm telling you that I love you as a comedian, and an actor and a personality, but you have to, you have to, if you ever have time, come on, America's got talent and do what you're doing, do this. Yeah.

Because I think that's something that isn't, I will. Nobody has recognized you for this. And I'm going to win the whole thing. Yeah. Oh, my God. How was he able to just, through an aptitude test, like, can you imagine doing it to Sophia or Heidi or Simon?

I'll toss an aptitude test around. like chef boy r d tosses around a salad my neck stuck is it gone god damn did you see that i think i heard something i went into the chef boy r d anger rant i jammed my neck guy oh my gosh sorry that's weird hey everybody who won't step back better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I want to throw something at you. We got through the aptitude. We're good. That was the hardest part. Now you know we're... We know everyone knows where we sit with you.

direction. Go ahead. So here's a saying you're never going to hear down at the quadriplegic center. Okay. How would you feel if you had to wear the shoe on the other foot? How would you feel Howie Mendel if the shoe was on the other foot? And you're not going to hear that down at the quadriplegic center. You're going to hear it right here. we also won't hear them to say in you know unless you walk a mile in my shoes because same kind of the same right and here's where i'm going with this

where are you going with this you talked about america's got talent but the predecessor to that was a different show it was called what before america's got talent deal oh my in my career i thought that uh america's got talent came from another show. I was on deal or no deal. And you put a lot of people through the ringer. You put a lot of pressure on people, you know, to make decisions. They put it on themselves. But you were the host.

All I did was say, deal or no deal. And I said, and then I said, pick a case. I had two lines. It lasted four years. They had two lines. There's no game. There's no trivia. There's, I didn't do, I didn't really.

And what would you do if the shoe was on the, other foot. Can I make you an offer, Howie Mandel? Go ahead. Howie Mandel, let me make you this offer. And all expenses paid, vacation at a beach resort in Barbados, with four overweight girls and leg braces, a crowbar, a crowbar. and a one-day Home Depot flatbed truck rental. Howie Mandel.

Veal or no veal? Veal or no veal? Harlan. No veal. Nice, buddy. See what I mean? How does it feel? You don't realize until you're on this side of it.

And this is something you'll never hear down at the Helen Keller foot center. Or how's it feel to have the shoe on the other foot? Can I just make a formal apology to everybody who is ever a contestant? I didn't realize what it was like to be on. I don't know that we need an apology, but I just thought maybe because you were on the other side of it for so long. And boy. You flipped it.

You flipped it. Yeah. Wow. And there might be. I've only been here for like a few minutes, and yet you've captured my aptitude. you've offered me veal you it's just it's uncanny i went in the wrong door yeah and now i begged for a naked woman and didn't get a naked woman so much has happened and it's just about to get even bigger and better really well more things have happened on this

pot i think there is i've never been on a podcast where so much has happened in such a short amount of time. And we're having fun. We're having a giggle. We're having a ha-ha. But there's a side to Howie that everyone knows. And it's called germophobia. Right. And it's something we've probably talked to death. You've probably had a million interviews where you've talked about it and you've talked it to death. I've never even mentioned it. How did you know, like how are you able to research? Mm-hmm. So surprising. But what I want to do, Howie, I have have a charity. I don't know if you've heard of my charity. It's called Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away. It's a charity that helps children who have cinnamon allergies. They get swollen

ankles. They drool. But we also do other research. And, you know, I talked to the team at Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Fly Away. And we talked about the germophobia. And we thought, we don't want to talk about it with Howie. We want to try and find a cure. Because I know it It haunts you, it plagues you. It's something you deal with in your daily existence. So why talk about it anymore? Let's find a cure. And let me tell you what we've done here.

And I think you're going to like this. At our research center at Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away, we do other research for other afflictions. And one of our specialists, our scientist, they're Dr. Daniel esophagus, who actually cured halitosis at the gingivitis clinic. in Seattle, Washington. He came up with a device to help us overcome your fear of touching.

Now, these boxes are sealed. No one's ever touched them. I want to reach in there, and we're going to help you get through not being able to touch another human being, which has got to be painful and lonely. do you want me to open it open it up and these were developed by this doctor and uh never i ask you something yes but before i unveil whatever it is why is it what's the stain on the i don't know if you can oh why is it why is mine stained that why is the box what is that yeah i'm not sure what that is but let's not let it get in the way of healing if i i almost feel like

you're deflecting and trying to get a way out. But reach into your unopened package. Unhappy, let us make it right. You're going to find inside Howie a way that we can connect and touch. These are our cinnamon angels fly, fly away, happy healing hands. Why is it, why does mine, why is mine, like why is mine, like why is mine, This is to make them realistic. We kind of make them so they have a sweaty hue on them.

And so what we want to do, how is I know you don't like to shake hands. You don't. You don't like to touch. But for our first session, what we'd like to do is hold hands. Me and you. I'm shaking. I'm shaking. You can see it.

And what we need to do here is I trust you, Harland. I love you, Harlan. I trust you, Harland. I love you, Harlan. And separate. And now I do it. We hold hands again. Okay.

I trust you, Howie. I love you, Howie. Thank you, Harlan. Yeah. Wow, that's so. I've never. And now the second test. Well, there's a series of, these are the doctors, they're not mine.

The second test now is we step it up and we caress each other's face. I mean, this is just to help you. Let's move the stain box. I lean in or? Yeah. I love you, Howie. I love you Harlan I trust you

Howie I trust This one's a harder one I I Start again Start again I know it's not easy guy

I love you Howley I I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I trust you, Howie. I. Wow. This isn't easy. Wow. Give them a minute, folks. Give them a minute. We're going to have a drink. Let them process. Come some quiet time to think.

And this is all part of, you know, Dr. Daniel esophagus, who cured halitosis and gingivitis up at the gingeritis clinic, said this is, you okay? Are you ready for the next? Well, I didn't get through that one. Let's try. Okay. Here we go.

What would you do it alone? I, I love, I, I love you, Harlan. I, I, trust, I trust, I trust, help me. Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust. Oh wow baby stems how do you feel it do you feel a little bit okay are you ready for the second the next the next one's a little they get harder we've done two we just did the one caressed we did the hand show oh this is three we did the hand

holding you're losing count and yes because this is intense for me too I'm not a trained therapist. I'm working off... You may not have the aptitude for this. Well, let's not use my own material against me, Guy. The third phase of the treatment... Excuse you? Was that me?

I think it was. Are you okay? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I've never been able to do that before. Wild. I mean, just, I've been through you. It's not, I've never been able to do that.

Do you yodel or anything? Let me try to, can I try it again? Yeah. Okay. Ugh. Wow. Mother Mary on a big fucking plate of mashed up meatloaf. That's amazing.

Wow. I feel that's a, that's a good. That's a good. Howie Mandel Before we do the third test of the helping healing hands I have an offer for you Howie Mendel Three star-filled nights in Paris, France

with Lawrence Fishburn a basset hound puppy and a fully preserved corpse brought up from the remains of the Titanic a hoey Mandel seal or no seal

Howie Mendel, seal or no seal? Take your time. Think about what this would mean to you and your family. Seal or no seal. No seal Let's move on Let's move on to stage three Yeah

This is intense bro I'm sweating The next test For the health Happy healing hands And these get tougher And this is a little more intimate We have to

Pick each other's nose I trust you I trust you I love you I can't do it I can't do it Holy shit. Howie Mendele.

Howie Mendel. Third offer. Four nights on Broadway. attending all the top shows, VIP access to the dressing rooms of the stars, Tina Turner's wig from the movie Thunder Dome, and four hours in a dimly lit room with a butter statue of Barry Manilow slow dancing

with Helen Keller. Howie, Del. I will or no eel? Eel. Eel. Eel. Think about your family, what it means.

To you? No eel! You play hard, guy. Play hard. I'm tired. I'm tired. This brings us to our last healing hands. And we're making progress.

This is going actually better than I thought. this last test is called the popcorn kernel and have you ever had a popcorn kernel jammed in your gums and had to pick it out yeah yeah welcome to the popcorn kernel test howie mandel I trust you. I trust you, too. Oh, I love you?

I love you too. Oh. Oh, okay, okay. I trust you out already. I got it. I got. I have a tissue. I don't. Can you use your shirt, please?

Just rub the drool on your outfit, if you don't mind. It's not that. It's not. Sweat, if you don't. I'm going to give you a minute just to, Collect your, and then I want to, I want to do an assessment of what's happened here and get into your head and see how you feel. I'm sweating too, guy. It's not just you.

No one said therapy was easy. How, uh, how are you, guy? I mean, the touching, the phobia, did this? do anything I don't think I'm the same person that I was when I came that again please I don't think I'm the same person now Oh, I'm glad we made some of the theme of the theme music. Oh, damn, thanks. Well, I'm glad we made some progress.

I think we're over a lot of humps, and I think we can start the show. Let's play the theme music. Here we are, ladies and gentlemen. Howie Mandel on the Harland Highway podcast. Welcome, Guy. Good to be. great to see you yeah seem like you're in a good you know yeah wow can I plug my

podcast give it a plug give it a plug howie mandel does stuff wherever you get your podcast on youtube wherever you get it I do it with my daughter Jacqueline Schultz she's a treasure she really is you were great on the show if you haven't had a chance to see it yet go to we had a blast howie mandel dot com was really good it was really good you're real good real funny the uh feedback has been tremendous. That is it? You know, it's rare when I lose it. Like, it's rare for me to, like, just, I think a lot of comedians,

it's hard for them to just lose it and start laughing. Right. You got me. On your podcast, you got me. I think you got yourself. I think you got, you were laughing at your own stuff. Yeah, that's true. But you did.

But I've never seen you get yourself the way you got yourself on my show. I got gotten real good. I know you're funny. And I know I've always thought you're funny, but I've never seen you think. I've never. seen you think as fun i never like to you were got you got like you did something and then you realized got it got it and then you by it right and then we all laughed together and it's just it became something thank you for having me on and thank you for having me on well here's the thing

i thought i could have howie on and i'd said it earlier we could have some fun we could have some giggles we could go down the same old interview roads, but is that really me helping a friend? Is that me looking for solutions for a friend? Is that me trying to cure a friend of maybe some things that have plagued him or her? And so I just thought, you know, let's do a little of this. Let's do a little of that. And here we go. So why do you want a friend? What do you want from a friend? When you need something no no no when you need something okay come at me when you need something it's good to have a friend but you need a helping hand that's what these are helping healing hands high five boom right there right at you i love these i love these want to play rock paper scissors with them go ahead one two

three uh try one more time one two two, three. Fuck, this is hard. One, two, three. Oh, wait. Ready? One, two, three. I think I won.

Rock paper. Fuck you. How about that? Yeah, new game. Anyways. You don't need as a host. Sorry. mean it it's like a prank and i wanted to ask you about that because you did all your prank shows

the hidden camera shows which are amazing they're hilarious was there ever one that went south that that a prank that you did with the hidden camera where it just like it caused someone to have a freaking heart attack or they got mad or a lot of people you know if you saw it it went well if you didn't see it it probably didn't go well because ultimately they had have the say they have to sign a release yeah that's true so yes there were a couple that didn't go well one was a couple i was um one was mostly with animals that went well for the animals nothing bad happen to animals well but where i live in the valley here yeah um there is a a big pet cemetery and i went to the pet cemetery uh with my lovely little dog and they had

have a they have the the main building has a crematorium and uh that's better than creamed cat and cream dog and i went to the lady and i asked like i got prices for cremation and a burial site yeah earn and they were very very very helpful and they go and when are you going to bring the dog in and i was carrying a dog yeah and i said no no he's here this is the dog okay and they said well he seems fine. I go, to you, he seems fine. They go, well, is he sick? And I go, no.

They go, well, why would you do that? And I go, he's shit in a living room. Okay. You know? So I'm going to leave him here with you. So she takes the dog away from me and goes in the back, and she called the police. So that didn't, that didn't air. Yeah.

Then there was one where I got in trouble. I will not, it is at a very public place, a zoo. I won't say what zoo it was. But they were, they, the zoo I had, I was doing something for a television show. Yeah. For a network. And we had permission to be at the zoo. Yeah.

And I was wearing like a zookeeper outfit. Yeah. And I went up to a gentleman and I said, you know, we're doing this volunteer program. Are you interested in volunteering? And he said, I would love to. I would love to volunteer. At the zoo. At the zoo.

Yeah. And he said, what is the, what is his, duty and I said what we're going to do is we want to make the zoo a little more interactive so there was a cage of llamas and so I said I love llamas by the way me too actually and alpacas so there's a cage about and I said what we're going to do is we're going to llamas and alpacas we want to make them more interactive so we're going to move them outside the pen and so they can interact with the people at the zoo he goes well how do you do that I said what I'm going to do is I'm going to jump into the alpaca and

llama pen. Wow. I'm going to... Here we go. I'm going to lift out the alpaca or the llama. I'm going to hand it to you and I need you to place it by that tree over there. And he says, well, how do you... I don't think I can carry an alpaca or llama. And I said, do you know anything

about llamas? Yeah. And he goes, well, no. I go... You do realize that their skeletons are paper thin and the whole inside the mass of their body is mostly air. A full... full-grown llama, maybe weighs six, seven pounds. He's like, are you kidding me? And I go, no, no.

So I'm going to pass it out to you. And I thought the interaction would be the fun. Yeah. And I start walking toward, not knowing exactly where it would go, and I start walking toward the pen and he goes, well, you know what? You know where you want to put it. So I'll hand it to you. And I go, no, that's not necessary.

He goes, no, it's not necessary. I want to do it. I want to do it. I mean, this is exciting. And I said, no, sir. And he kind of just ran ahead of me. and I go, no, no, no, no, and he's climbing the fence. And then I'm going, no, no, and I take off my hidden camera.

I go, it's a joke. It's a joke. It's a prank. He goes, don't worry, I'll do it. And he jumps in. He's not listening. And now he's in the middle of the zoo. He's in the llama pen. And the llamas. And I'm yelling, help. I don't want to go into the thing that people drop the cameras and everything. And this guy gets pinned.

All the llamas and alpacas start pinning, and they pin him against the wall. And they're spitting. Yeah, they love to spit, right? They're spitting all over him, and he's going, please help me. And he's trying to, I see him, he puts his hands like under the front things of a lama, and he's trying to lift, and they're not 10 pounds. And he's yelling help, and I'm yelling help. And then the real zoo people had to come in.

Families are running, and they asked me to leave. And that never aired. You know who you should have called to help him? No. The Dalai Lama. Hang on. Do you want to slap me for that one? No, but I'll.

suck your tongue. These really have worked. You're really getting over your germ foam. That's the first time. I'm not going to, that was just a reference to what he did to the child. Oh, yeah.

He said it was a joke. I know. You don't joke about tongue suck in an infant. In Tibet, you do. Oh, you do? Yeah, it's like in America, we'd go, in America, we go, got your nose. Yeah. In Tibet, they go, suck my tongue.

Right. Pull my finger. You hear your fart with a kid, suck the saliva off of a kid's tongue, sure. What a riot. Subtets, suck my tongue. Yeah. He's a nut. What a laugh.

Uncle Dolly. What a nutty. Uncle Dali. Uncle Lama. Uncle Dali. Larry Lama. Is his real name Larry? I think it is Larry.

It should be, yeah. Dolly is what he does for a living. He's a dolly. Like, that's his job. His job, he's a dolly. He's a dolly. Last name is Lama. His real first name is Larry.

Larry Lama. I wonder if he does, if you loaded like a piece of furniture on him and pushed him up a hill, that would, he'd be a really good dolly. Do you like to slap me now with the hand? Do I do it to myself? Ah, God, damn. I didn't have to hit myself so hard.

Well. Well, it shouldn't let me hit myself, Guy. Maybe we could have avoided this. Oh, so much fucking pressure. Make sure I got it. Oh, wait, I dropped the other one. It's okay. It's okay.

I think it's... There we go. All right. Let me read it. Howie Mendel. We have one more deal for you. One more offer. Are you ready?

No. Offer number four. You open your own Burger King franchise. Throw an 87-year-old lady off of Mount Rushmore. You spend four hours in a root cellar playing with Cindy Crawford's Mall. Howie Mendel.

Peel. Peel. Or no peel? Think about what this is. could mean to your friends, your family. Are you married, your wife? Peel or no peel? Howie Mandel.

Peel or no peel? Is that it about three minutes ago? Oh, it's fine. Howie Mandel, peel or no peel? No peel. I just, I feel like I can make it all the way to the end of this. Well, do you see how hard what you did to people,

you did to America. And not that it's a bad thing. I just, what you did was good. You gave people money. You gave them competition. But what you didn't understand is the pressure. I wanted you to step on to the other side of what you put people through. And I hope in a way that that's healing.

You know, on today's podcast, is it over? Is today's over? This one? Yeah. Let me check. No, but I just want to. No. Okay, then I'll, I'm just saying that this has been an incredibly educational, moving, changing experience for me.

And I've never really had something like that. I mean, you wouldn't think the, you know, Harlan Williams podcast would be the place where somebody would come and. heal up yeah I just think that your life is going to change after people see this I think you're going to be in and day hang on I think there's something fell on the floor a lot of things have fallen on the floor

I've been watching you collect okay I like how this is kind of a one-man operation isn't it like if something drops you just go look for it you gotta look for it no i like that i like that because you don't you do it you do it you do it you don't have you don't have people do it i don't have peeps i do it let me look on the floor can i be honest with you sure you smell ryan gosley yeah what is that yeah what is that yeah what is that

you sit with that for a second something else fell something on the floor you have the biggest desk the most shelves of any podcast and you haven't been able to keep one fucking thing on a shelf or a desk or within reach of yourself you know what you need

a helping hand that's what you this is uh are you fixing something are you getting something are you i lost something but it's okay you want me to should we i know it's not a lot going on i drop something but i'm okay all right are you okay i am Um, now let's start the podcast. Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mendel, uh, welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. God, I love your smile. Thank you. You have one of those smiles that illuminates a room. Do you do, do you know that about yourself? I do. Sometimes when it, uh, you know what? What?

Sometimes when somebody drops something and they don't know where it is, they'll have me smile so that they can find it. Oh, God. Okay. Well, if you want to smile, let, I'll, I'll, Turn the flashlight on my phone and see if I can find it. You see there? Is it there?

Hang on. Look. There? Find the thing you lost? There? Is there? Yeah, this time? Get it?

Yes. It's my smile. Your smile did it. Thank you. I found it, Howie. Thank you for your smile. But your smile really does light up a room. I know.

Do you know that for real? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is that something you've used to your advantage over the years? Yeah, the two things I've noticed is sometimes my smile will light up a room and my socks will smell up a room. And if the combination of both is just party time. Wow. But have you used it as a tool in your long,

successful career. You don't bothers me now? Why? I just been fidgeting with this and it's been in your nose and in your mouth. Do you have any Purell or antibacterial? I just, I didn't expect it. That's right. You should have been touching this one.

Amber! Hang on, I do have some. Will you stay here and smile for about 45 seconds? I will. Hang on. Somebody helping. Do your smile. Okay.

Hang on. Thank you. I'm going to get you some purell. Thank you. Thank you. It's lighting. I'm smiling on the outside, but in the inside, I'm going a little crazy because I never meant to touch the hand that touched his mouth and touched his nose. These were all hermetically sealed hands, but now they've been in his nose and his mouth,

and I touched it, and I'm freaking out. I'm really freaking out, because this is, you know, these are hermetically sealed, but now it's been in your nose and your mouth. I need Purell. You open it. I don't even want to touch that. I don't want to touch anything. This is sort of like an emergency.

It kind of is. You want all of it? No, no, no, no. Oh, shit. Wow. That was a real. I think we got to do this twice, like another douse. Oh, okay.

Just because we did that now this hand. Okay, thank you. It's good, alcohol, and it's good. Thank you. Thank you. thank you wow thank you that was really like

I was intense it got intense it did it did it did are you okay I know yes in a way we sort of did tackle it in a way without me knowing

yeah without even the way you were able to slip that in like you got me to stick something in your nose in your mouth leave it in front of me so that I would inadvertently touch it, freak out, and then realize I'm okay. So after this podcast, I'm going to have to, I'll go directly to my, I wasn't going to go to my therapist, but now I will. You don't need to.

No, would you like to take one of these? No, no, not going to touch anything anymore. Well, my hand says different. I'm not touching anything anymore. Would you like me to move? No, yeah, take it away. Take it away. Take it away.

thank you thank you thank you oh my hat i'm doing the best i can guys these hands don't have feelings but i do um you're gonna be okay but you said you said at the beginning of the podcast remember you you you said which beginning which one the 16th one yeah you said i have a way of doing things where you don't really know they're coming Remember at the very top of the podcast, you kind of said, the way I do things is you don't even know that I've healed or touched or mended. Take that back? Yeah.

I just take that back. That's all. I'm good. I'm all good. Everything's good. No, I really am. I'm good. Can I plug my podcast?

Yeah. It's called Howie Mandel does stuff, and I do it with my daughter, Jacqueline Shultz, wherever you get you. He was great on it. Let's get going here. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Howie Mandel is here today. And I got to say you're looking as we kick things off,

or you're looking bright. You're looking, have you been doing some kind of germphobe therapy or something? My life is a germphobic therapy. Okay. Germophobia for me, to be totally honest, Okay, let's do it. It is a, just one, like I actually just, I have OCD, and sometimes my germophobia doesn't rear its ugly head.

And I'm really medicated as I sit here with you today. And I have moved my therapist into a whole new tax bracket. But it's, you know, it's always a fight, always. So I'm always looking for new and wonderful ways to deal with. hello um hello but i want to tell you something because i've never told you this okay i'm not a full-on germophobe but i'm a little bit of a germ guy because like 20 years ago i used to do all the stand-up clubs and i do the meet and greets and then after every show you'd get out and you'd shake over the course of a weekend like a thousand different hands

and I'd find every year I'd get the flu like three times a year. Right. And it was killing me and I'm going, what is it? And they say that most flu viruses and colds and germs are transmitted through the handshake. Right. You shake a hand and then you touch your nose, mouth, or ear or whatever these areas are. Keep your hands away from wherever you're showing them right now. Yes.

Yeah. And so I decided from that moment on I would just do the fist pump. and I rarely ever get sick anymore. The fist pump is something totally different. Oh, yeah, this is the fist pump. The fist pump. Well, okay. Wait.

The fist pump for me was when, before I was married, is alone in my room. Would you like to show? No. Am I in the wheelhouse? Mm-hmm. Am I close? I don't know why I feel like such a dick right now.

Whoa. So, but here's what I proposed, Howie. This was years ago, pre-COVID, pre-everything. I was like, the government spends all this money doing like commercials, you know, get the flu shot, get the flu shot, get the flu shot. But if they put all that money into telling people to stop shaking hands, I think that would be 90% more effective than if they put all the resources into, the other stuff. And that is why I'm here today. Then we better get gone. Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to talk about really important stuff. Howie Mandel on the Harland Highway podcast. Do you have a podcast? Yeah, I do. Can I plug it? Sure, I'd love that. I do. Howie Mandel does stuff wherever you get your, uh, your podcast and on YouTube with my daughter, Jacqueline Sholes. She's great. What a jam. Drops every Tuesday. You were on it. Yeah. What a bum. last. You were great. I was wondering, normally I've never done this with another guest, but there's a final

test with the helping healing hands. You don't have to touch them fortunately. Okay, I'll do it. Got it. But you have a lot of celebrity friends. I do. And this is all about intimacy and getting close and getting over the phobia and fear. Now, this one takes a little bit of setting up, but I'm going to throw a celebrity friend at you, Barry Manelow. Okay. You know Barry? I do. You've met Barry? I have. So what Barry, to help you get over your phobia, this is Vaseline, we,

well, this is to help you heal. What we do is we get a dab of Vaseline on the finger, like thus, or whatever they say in Shakespeare, and then your friend, tell us your connection to Barry Manelow, because he was so eager to jump in and try and help. Have you met him? I did. I have met him. He's actually a friend of a friend. I've been to Barry Manil

concerts. Great. And he writes the songs. Yeah. That make the whole world sing. Well, Barry wanted to get in on your healing. We talked at length how important this was. And this is the final step of the process.

And Barry Mantle from the love of his heart, he sent in one of his dingleberries. God bless them. He pulled a ripe dingleberry right out of his crotch, right down in the scrotal area. Can I be honest with you? Yeah.

It's not one of berries. Who do you think it is? I don't know. That's not berries. Well, he sent it in a hermetically sealed FedEx envelope and said it was his. Whether this is John Bon Jovi's, whether this is Carol Burnett's, This is a dingleberry guy. Oh, it is a dingleberry.

And we're going to put it right on the tip of the magic healing hands. And the final thing is you sniff it, and we see if you're cured. Howie, I need you to sniff the dinglebone, Barry Maniloh's Dingleberry. That's not Barry Malos. Well, yes, it is. It isn't. Look, you came on this podcast. Are you going to sniff Barry Manelow's dingleberry or not?

That's not Barry Manilow's dingleberry. But it is a dingleberry. It is a dingleberry. Will you sniff the dingleberry? I will not sniff a dingleberry of somebody who is totally unidentified. And you are fucking lying. That is not Barry Manelow's dingleberry. I don't know who I'm lying.

Okay. Hold on. You're fucking lying. Hold on, wise guy. that's fucking manelose no prove me wrong no I will not

I will not I refuse no one gives an after kick no one gives an after kick You did it again. Just end. And we're out. Ladies and gentlemen,

the Harland Highway. Howie Mandel, check out. Do you have a podcast? Plug it real quick. I don't have one. Okay. This was a deal.

Not a deal. no deal. I love you, Howie. Thank you, buddy. Until next time, chicken chalmane. And watch out for dingleberries.