The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY 6 - Tinkerbell SEX!

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

Harland discusses cell phones and all they do to us. Underground parking hell! And girl body language! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Hey, everybody, here we are again, rolling down the Harlan Highway. Yeah, we're rolling, we're speeding, we're in neutral, we're gliding. as long as we have perpetual forward motion, which we all do here today, we are moving on the old Harland Highway.

And I got my co-host here today. I got my, should I say my cocoa host here today, a little cocoa over here. And how the hell are you today? Butter, buns, and bowling balls. Well, here we go. Anyhow, let's start this thing off. How many of you have babies?

Seriously, and I'm talking about the men, the women, the teens, below the teens, perhaps, the single men, the married men, the married women, everybody, do you have a baby? Well, if you don't think you do, guess again, because you do have a baby. Okay? And it's this thing. You know what this is? This is a cell phone. This is a cell phone. And these are our babies. I mean, if you don't believe me, go out into public and drop your cell phone by accident or do it on purpose just to see the reaction. I've never seen other people and I've never had such a visceral reaction to when I see the reaction. someone's cell phone drop on the ground

or my own cell phone drops on the ground. It's almost like, it's literally like dropping a baby. I almost think maybe this is more sensitive to people than even dropping an actual human baby. I mean, have you done this? I mean, the feeling that washes over you when this drops to the ground or someone else's drops to the ground,

You're just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, my God. Oh, my God, is it okay? Oh, my God, pick it up. Somebody's picking up. Call 911. Call an ambulance. Oh, my God, baby on the ground. Baby phone.

Baby phone on the ground. I mean, people just flip the hell out. It's like a child is, as dropped to the ground. And I got to say, when I drop mine, I don't have a real baby, but it sure feels like I drop. my kid. I'm like, ah! Oh, my child. Oh, my baby child. Someone help my baby child. Oh, my baby child. My baby child has fallen to the ground. Oh, my child. I mean, it's crazy. And I'm not even exaggerating here that there's a, there's a feeling that washes over you when your infant child. falls out of your pocket or out of your hand

and it's just like everything goes into slow much like it's just like it's just like it's insanity. I mean, I was out the other day. I was walking around. It was a sunny day. and this person's phone fell to the ground. And I almost had like an immediate reflex reaction. I like dove.

I was like, slow motion. You're no. Catch the child, right? And this person's cell phone fell on the ground. And I was like, oh, my God, the baby. Someone dropped their baby. And I reached down and I picked it up. And I started breastfeeding.

I immediately grabbed it, I opened my, undid my shirt, and I shoved the little baby onto my nipple. I was like, drink, my child, drink, save the baby. Sockle, my child, suckle, baby, suckle on my life-giving milk. Please, child, live, live. Sockle, child, suckle, child. I mean, holy God. It's a little scary how much we put into these things. The emotional attachment we have to our phones. It's very, very creepy bordering on sinister, perhaps. And let's be honest, how many of you sleep with your phone?

How many of you have a phone in your bed at night? You don't leave it out in the kitchen. You don't leave it in the living room. It's right there on the mattress beside you, right? Glowing in the dark, your little Chernobyl Pop-Tart, right? Look at the rectangular shade. That's a Pop-Tart. Oh, I see that Kellogg's has made a new Pop-Tart.

Is it strawberry? Is it blueberry? No, it's electric neon light. Electric light, pop-thart. How many calories? It's not calories, it's watts. This thing, 700 watts, 700 watts of wholesome breakfast goodness, right there in my bed.

I mean, if we could eat these things, we would. How many of you sleep with these on your bed? And then you're laying there, you're asleep. And all of a sudden, someone texts you in the darkness. Your phone rings in the darkness. You have the sound off because you're trying to sleep, but the light wakes you up. And you wake up and you're like,

Oh, Tinkerbell. Is that you, Tinkerbell? Oh, Tinkerbell. Come to me, fairy. Come to me, night fairy. Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap. Right? Suddenly you're doing something immoral in your band with a Disney character. Suddenly you're rolling around in the sheets with Tinkerbell glowing in the night.

Oh, Tinkerbell, glow for me, baby. Glow for me. I mean, it is unholy. It is outright unholy what the hell's happening with these phones. We are just so attached to them. And the shape Is everything got to be a rectangle with Apple? Right?

I mean, we got the rectangle phone. We got the rectangle iPad. We got the rectangle laptop. I mean, I got so many rectangles. I think I got the iPhone, the iPad, the I Mac. I went up the other week and I shingled my roof. I have an eye roof. I've got so many rectangles and old phones and iPads.

I shingled my roof. I got an eye roof. So I don't know, man. If you don't think you have a child, you got a child. And I just saw something on the intergoogle that was a little disturbing. I just read it yesterday.

And I might do this on a future podcast. I'm actually terrified to do this. But now there are like virtual or I don't know what they are, but they're digital companions. There's apps, I saw it on YouTube, there's these apps where you can go in and download a partner. You can download a girlfriend or a boyfriend, and they're not physical, but it's artificial intelligence.

And what they do is they look at all your texts or they read your texts and they start to determine your patterns. And they start to interpret the way you speak and the things you talk about and the things you'd like to hear about. And so all of a sudden you can download this app where you can have a virtual or digital girlfriend

and you can give it a name and you can start a relationship with it. And apparently it'll text you out of the blue. Hey, how are you? Hey, what are you doing today? It's creepy. I read up on it. I watched some YouTube videos on it.

And I'm reluctant. Like part of me is like I want to do it as an experiment, right? I just want to check it out, see what it's all about. But then the other part of me is like, wait a minute. What if I really connect? I mean, I'm already sleeping with my phone. What if now it has a name and a personality and it talks back to me? What if it says things that please me?

Tells me how handsome and dashing I am. Tells me how very intelligent I am. Why, thank you, darling. Yes, two plus two is four. Oh, can I get you some more maple walnut donuts? I mean, the world we live in now. You know, do you ever have days where you're just obsessed to look at Instagram videos or TikTok videos? I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but I've had occasions where I've been out with friends,

or I've been out with somebody doing something, and something in the back of my head goes, you know, I think I've got to get away from these people. I just want to get home and turn on my phone. I want to get away from this crowd. I want to get away from all these people. And I want to start scrolling. I want to start looking at little videos. I want to start reading things.

Just me and my partner. It's getting creepy, man. And I know I'm not the only one going through this. We're all having some kind of reliance or attachment or if you haven't yet, it's coming. And you've got to ask yourself, is it growing? Am I relying more on this? Am I getting absorbed deeper into this? Creepy.

Because think about it. Everything you want is on here. You can do your shopping on here. You can watch your entertainment on here. You can find a, you can find your husband or wife on here if you wanted to. What can't you do on here? And so it's a little frightening. And I travel a lot.

I go to the airports and I know you see it too. Everybody's going like this. Everybody's down looking into their lover. Let's just call it. Forget the word phone. How about your lover? How's your lover doing? Oh, she's looking rectangular today.

She's a little haughty. She's a little rectangular haughty. Hey, hey, hey, hey, stop looking at my girl. Stop looking at my... Don't you look at my rectangle like that? You'll keep your eyes on your own rectangle, pal. Don't you be staring at my rect... This is my rectangle.

That's right. I sleep with it at night. She clothes in the dark. for me I call her Tinkerbell sometimes we even 69 yeah that's right she puts it right on my face and I see see what I mean I just I just got sucked in I didn't want to tell you I 69 with my phone but now you know freak God so there you go man be Be wary and be careful of your baby. Maybe they should make those,

you know, the little strap-on things they have for babies where you carry them, the baby carriers? Maybe we need those, like, for our chest. Just have it there so you know it's safe. And so you know baby can hear your heartbeat. It's okay, my child. It's okay, tender child. There'll be a phone caller.

a text coming in soon my child what's that child you're thirsty you're hungry baby wants to suckle yes child suckle oh that one's empty yes my child suckle my child suck feed my child Yes, my baby child. Suckle on my teat, child. Hurry before the milk runs dry, child. Good Lord. I'm going to go bury this thing in the back yard. Have you heard of pet cemetery?

I think I'm going to bury this thing up in phone cemetery tonight. When the lightning starts and the moon comes up and the loons and the wolves are howling, I'm going to do some kind of ritual and bury this thing and get free. Devil Satan's spawn, I tell you. Devil Satan's Spahn. Oh, hell the dark Lord. Yeah, no, you're the Satan spawn. Hop yours.

And shut your mouth. Look at your mouth hanging open. You look like a freak. Anyways. And speaking of Satan spawn, hold on, I got to speak in a nourishment and feeding, I need, Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to

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Oh, daddy's home for Christmas. Speaking of Satan's spawn, have you been down to hell lately? And I'm not even joking. And this has got to be one of the most annoying things. Okay, now there's a spittle on the microphoneo. This is one of the most annoying things on planet. at Earth. Have you ever gone into the underground parking garages? You know, the ones where you got to pull up and there's a gate, you got to get a little ticket, you got to drive in. And it's all fine and dandy if you're

the only one pulling in. But have you ever noticed when you get someone in front of you, someone in a minivan or an SUV or a Prius, it doesn't matter what the vehicle is. Some people, once they get beneath the earth's crust, they seem to lose it. They seem to lose any sense of what speed is, of what driving is. They just go into Mentoid land. The minute they, they slip beneath the strata. holy god they're like which way do I go

what floor am I on where is everybody how does the car work what am I what am I driving am I even driving who am I where am I you ever know the people in front of you

they don't know where to turn they don't know where to drive holy God and then you know in a lot of the garages they have the mini speed bumps you know out in the streets we got the grown-up speed bumps we got the we got the dolly parton speed bumps but you get down underground man suddenly you got the karen carpenter speed bumps just little nibblins sweet little nibblety dims bumblety bump bibblety bimpledy bimpledy bums wumbblety dumbs Don't hold me to it. Bimbledy bump.

And you get down there, and it's like, you know, people go at a fairly rapid clip over speed bumps. The Dolly Parton ones out in the street. So why is it when they get shrunk down in their little tiny bumps? People in underground parking garages are just like, well, oh my goodness. What is that? Is that Mount Everest up ahead?

They turn into complete mentoids. And they don't know where to turn and they see a spot. And they go, should I go in that one? Oh, I better not. I don't want to park beside a green car. I better keep searching. E, he, he, complete schizophrenic behavior in an underground parking garage. And if the parking garage is full and you've got to keep spiraling down to the center of the earth until you meet Satan, forget it.

You just, how deep do these garages go? They just keep going and going by the time you get to the bottom floor. There's Satan himself, over here. Over here, my child, yeah. Over here, C-57, right here. Yeah, back it in, back it in. Okay, so turn, turn the wheel, turn the wheel. Okay, bring it in, bring it in, okay, stop.

Excellent. Now, give me your soul. I suck. I want to suck your soul. Now that you've parked down in Satan's lair in the brimstone and the vehicle or whatever the hell it's called. I want to suck your soul. Get out of the Prius and let Satan suck your soul. Or something like that. I don't know what your experience is. But also, did you notice it gets hot down there, too? I mean, I'm sure Satan's down there somewhere.

Underground parking. Not cool. Not cool. But let's take a break here because I'm obviously all worked up. There's been a lot of sucking going on this episode. We've had baby sucking. baby sucking on my my boobies

I've had Satan sucking on my soul and I need to catch my breath and let's take a word from our sponsor and we'll be right back on the Harland Highway right after this hog farts watch it

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The only road that matters, the Harland Highway. Thank you very much. And I noticed during the break that, yeah, look at this. When I was feeding the baby, the old flapper came open, treating my viewers to a little fresh rose beef here today. A little fresh rose beef. And I guess, you know, it's interesting that we touched on the theme of driving your car down into hell because I stumbled on to something recently,

and I better get the peepers out, the old peepers, I stumbled on to something recently that affects all of us. I was at a hotel and, you know, they got the extra rolls of toilet paper or toilet paper, as you say in English. And I never grab it. I never take it. I never take I don't know if any of you, like, swipe or steal the toilet paper because you're cheap asses. But look at this. I grabbed a roll of toilet paper from the hotel I was at because I basically had to. Look at it. Look at the name on this.

Angel Soft, it says, keeping with our religious theme here. We've been already talked about going down to visit Satan. So here we have toilet paper called Angel Soft, and there's a halo. There's a halo on the L, okay? Halo Angel Soft. Now, I don't know if you're religious. I don't know if God's watching right now,

but I want to know how they did the research for this ass wipe. because if someone over at whoever manufactures this stuff is doing some testing in the back room and they're rubbing angels in their ass crack you're going to hell how are we doing with the research how soft is the toilet paper well we wiped our crack with duck feathers

Okay, and sponges, okay, and some angels. Okay, and which one is the softest? By far the angels. Great, angel soft ass wipe, it is. I mean, how do you, I hope there's no one rubbing angels on their butts, and how soft is an angel? How do they know how soft an angel is? Angel soft?

I don't think so, and here's what? what's the real quick kicker is, it says professional series on there. Professional series toilet paper. Did I miss out on the ass wiping league or something? I mean, if there's people out here who are professional butt wipers, why, who, and how do I find your website? So just, really bizarre. Angel soft, butt wipe. Ridiculous. Just ridiculous. I also want to follow up on the whole Will Smith slap that happened just a little while ago. And then just recently, the whole Dave Chappelle getting attacked on stage thing. You know, you have to ask yourself, is there a connectivity to it?

Did Will Smith open the Pandora's box? Now, I talked about this at length in the first podcast. And, you know, people storming the stage and perpetrating violence against comedians or even people in bands or any type of performer, that's nothing new. I mean, that's happened. There was a tennis player years back who was, literally stabbed. A guy jumped over the bleachers and ran onto the court and stabbed her in the back.

She lived, but I forget her name, but she was a tennis champion. She was one of the reigning champions, and some guy, for whatever reason, just whammed her, you know. But you look at the Dave Chappelle attack happening so close to the Will Smith, assault, and you can't help but kind of go, uh-huh, okay, this is, uh, this is not only a copycat crime, but this is maybe a crime inspired by Will Smith and his antics. And it was interesting to see because Dave Chappelle was involved in a comedy festival here in Hollywood called Netflix is a joke comedy festival.

And on that same day, I was about probably three miles away, involved in the same comedy festival just down the road. And I did an event at one of the comedy clubs in Hollywood, The Laugh Factory, and I've been working at this club for 25 years. And I walked up, and this is pre the attack on day. my show was at 9 o'clock, and I think Dave got attacked at 10 o'clock or something like that. So this was even before Dave got attacked. But I walked into the club, and for the first time ever, they had one of those metal detector things you have to walk through. And I'm like, what the hell is this? You know?

And I carry my own microphone now. Ever since COVID started, I take my own microphone with me every show I do, whether I'm on the road or whether I'm in town and I unplug the existing mic and I plug in my own mic. It's a little bit awkward to start off the show because everyone's wondering. It actually gets a bit of a laugh, to be honest, because I walk up, I don't say anything because I can't. I can't talk into the mic that everyone else has been talking into. So what I do is I unplug it and there's this silence and people are sitting there wondering

and then I pull my microphone out of my pocket and it actually gets a laugh. I guess people maybe think it's a bit or something like that, but then I plug in my mic and I begin my performance. But I'm going to also say it's a bit baffling to me. And I'm not knocking my other comedians, but I am a bit surprised with my other comedians. To the best of my knowledge, I think I'm the only comedian that uses his own mic.

And I'm working in the clubs every week with dozens and dozens of, The guys, I'm working at the comedy store, the improv, the laugh factory, and, you know, those are showcase clubs. So you just have comic after comic after comic going up. We actually introduce each other. We bring each other up. It's like, hey, I'm Harlan Williams. That's my show.

Here's Chris Rock or here's whoever's there. And from what I've seen, I am the only comedian that is changing the microphone. And trust me, a lot of comedians I know have gotten COVID. So I find that a bit interesting that that's not being done more because if you think about it, a microphone is literally an incubator. The mouth, especially in stand-up, your mouth is more right on top of the mic. These mics kind of pick stuff up from a distance a little better. But when your mouth is right on the microphone,

and there's a lot of spittle and there's a lot of, who knows what, Ebola virus and Huckleberry hound grease and count chocular residue and sour milk and who knows what's coming out of your mouth, right? And all that bacteria or bacterium, as they say in the scientific community, it just gets into that little mesh cage and it holds it there. And it's just in there. It's like, let me out, let me out. Give me the next mouth.

I want to get in there. Oh, I don't feel so good. I was certainly funny tonight, but now, you know, you die from COVID. So anyways, I don't know why I went into that, but I guess just because it's my industry. But anyways, I went in through the metal detector. I had my metal microphone with me, so it beeped. And I was like, oh, this is interesting.

and I went on stage. I did my show, and then this is something that's never happened in my career that I can remember. I got off stage and I was getting ready to exit the club and this big dude with a black suit on, like sort of a, you know, like a bouncery, like security guy suit. He walks up to me and he goes, Mr. Williams, got to walk you to your vehicle. And I go, what's that now? I got to walk you to your vehicle and I didn't know who this guy was

I go no no that's okay I don't I'm just parked you know around the corner he's like we're with Netflix we're with the comedy festival and we have to walk you to your vehicle I said that that's great dude but I really don't need it and he goes no

we have to and I went oh and then I can kind of see that this was like that was part of their job they were required to walk us to our car so in a way it felt kind of cool It's like, hey, look at me, I've got a big burly security guy. Maybe I'll go cause some trouble just because I have this guy with me. When I get out on the sidewalk, hey, fat face, yeah.

Oh, really? Me, yeah. You want to talk to my security guard? Uh-huh. That's what I thought, fat face. Uh-huh, yeah. You mess with me. You mess with Bruno here.

So this guy couldn't have been nicer. lock me to my car, and it was all a little bit weird, but I have to, again, relate that to the Will Smith incident. You know, this kind of stuff hasn't happened at a comedy club before that. So I don't know if Netflix was being overly security conscious, just they would have no matter what, or was it inspired from the Will Smith incident? So like I said, then about 10 o'clock, the damn event happens with Dave Chappelle.

And I got home and I saw the internet lighting up with it. And, you know, in a way, it's not funny, but it is a little bit funny because, you know, Dave in the last few years has really sort of beefed up. He's put on some weight and I think he's kind of been hitting the gym a little bit like he's a lot meatier than he used to be. But because of my relationship with Dave and working in the clubs with him all these years and doing festivals and doing the movie Half-Baked with Dave, you know, he was the skinniest little guy. I mean, this guy, he was the Callista Flockhart of comedians.

I mean, this guy was like a little twiggy. And I'm not taking a shot at the guy. He was just, you go look. He was a real thin little guy. So I was kind of glad on one level to see that he had beefed up. for when the whack job at the Hollywood Bowl jumped on stage because Dave, as he can see, he actually kind of rolled with the tackle a little bit.

He was able to kind of move with it and hold his own for a minute. I think eventually his balance went and he tumbled down to the ground. But it makes me wonder if that guy got to Dave, you know, when Dave was younger and, you know, he was probably, I'm going to bet 30. maybe 40 pounds lighter.

He would have just picked Dave up and taken him out to his car and said, you coming with me, funny guy, okay? I didn't like what you said. I don't think you're funny. You're coming to my car. We're going to the Arby's drive-thru. Then we're going to go shopping, and then we're going to go into an underground parking garage right down to the bottom,

and I'm going to hand you off to Satan. Satan's going to suck your soul way down there in the park. parking garage. So there you go. Um, so I'm glad, I'm glad Dave's okay, but, uh, it's kind of interesting. Everyone in the comedy community and when I talk to friends and things like that, it's, it's like, they're like, hey, what's, what's going to happen now? Are you guys worried? Are you guys scared? Is it going to, is it going to get all weird out there? Are you guys going to be safe? And the answer is, who knows? But, uh, you know, We'll see what happens, and we hope that people just keep their cool and remember that, you know,

comedians are up there doing a show for you, whether it's provocative, whether it's silly, whether it's physical comedy, whatever the presentation is, they're there for you to entertain you, to make you laugh, make you smile, make you think. Sometimes all jokes aren't funny, but yet they're poignant. Maybe they make a point about the world we live in and maybe they're more humorous or insightful than they are drop-dead hilarious. So you've got to go into a comedy club

and be open to the various styles that different comedians have and the various message or point they're trying to get across or maybe they're just being goofy. But remember, they're not there to hurt. you. They're not there to defame you or demean you. They're there to have fun with you. And if they're improvising with the crowd, which is something I do a lot of, they're there to involve you and make you part of the process and make you part of the fun. If you go to a comedy club thinking that everything's personal and everything's aimed at you, then my goodness,

you're too sensitive for a comedy club. That's like if you went to a comedy club, that's like if you went to a sporting event and the other team got a point and you pulled out a rifle and started shooting because the other team wasn't supposed to win. So, you know, keep your cool, enjoy the show and no tackling, no throwing, no hurting. I mean, come on, people. It's a comedy club, not a funeral parlor. Although, funeral parlors would be a good place to do comedy. I mean, have you ever been to one of those things?

What a bummer. Hey, what's with the dead guy over there? Oh, okay. The food's that bad in this place? Wait, let me give you one of these. There you go. Hey, what's with the dead guy over there? He was alive a minute ago.

Who's got the bad gingeritis? Hey, what's what the dead guy? over there, huh? I mean, what's going on with this? Can't you go to a funeral parlor and have a good time anymore? I mean, folks, I just did another spittle. I'm spiddling today. And you know what that means? It's time to cleanse the palate with God's own good nectar. Well, my palate cleanses, I want you to take a look at this week's featured t-shirts, my hand-drawn t-shirts, and see what I've been up to artistically. And let's take a look of that right now.

Oh, yeah, here we go. Time for another hand-drawn shirt by yours truly. And if you don't know, I draw my own t-shirts. I take Sharpie markers and I draw directly on the T-shirt. And if this shirt still available, you can own it at Harbling.com. So let's go ahead and reveal this week's hand-drawn Harlan t-shirt. Well, here we go. Here are this week's hand-drawn T-shirts by yours truly.

And this one, as you can see, is called Molly. And I don't know if any of you have ever done Molly or heard of Molly, but, and I don't know if any of you have heard of Molly Ringwald, the actress. And I don't know if any of you have been to Burning Man, where a lot of Molly happens, but that's kind of what inspired this shirt. I actually went to Burning Man and did see a lot of people on Molly, and Molly was all over the place. and I just thought it'd be fun to pair the two together. So Molly Ringwald. And over here we have our second shirt, and I call this one Teardrops for Technology.

And it's basically kind of, I don't know, my interpretation of, you know, how advanced we're getting with technology and is it getting to the point or even technology is sad about how advanced we're getting? Are we losing our grip on humanity, handing over everything we are and everything we know to the world of technology where robots and AI are going to be running everything? I don't know. Maybe we're going to need Molly more than ever to help us cope with technology.

There you go. That's this week's hand-drawn t-shirts. You can get them at harbling.com. And if they're sold out, the originals, you can always order a print. Okay, we are back, we are back, we are back. And you know what I did? Well, you were looking at the T-shirts, I decided to follow up on what I was talking earlier,

the app you can download to get a partner. For those of you that are single and maybe feeling lonely or maybe you want to cheat on the side with your real human partner. I find this fascinating and scary at the same time, but I found the app here. Let's see what it's called. I-girl, AI, so I-girl and then AI, artificial intelligence,

girlfriend simulator, okay? and it shows pictures of girls. I'm assuming you can download any picture you want if you want a blonde or a brunette or a redhead or a baldy. Sorry, Will, don't come and slap me. But let me read you what it says. It says, always on hand to have a quick chat whenever and wherever you need day or night.

AI, artificial, intelligent girlfriend, can help you through difficult moments, have a friendly expert in your pocket, work with you to improve your mental health, reduces stress, and live happier. Chatting with AI girlfriend only takes a few minutes a day and can help you start to feel better. They're already assuming we don't feel good?

God. AI girlfriend is private and secure and here for you whenever you need it day or night. A friend you can trust. Hello. Really? How many of you want to start an intimate relationship with a fake person that doesn't exist on your phone

that is a machine or a computer? Really? You want to trust all your intimate thoughts and feelings and dreams with this? Yeah, okay. Feel free to share your secrets, wishes, dreams, and fears with complete anonymity. It's an artificial intelligence with genuine emotional intelligence. I mean, this is sort of probably fairly primitive,

but in a way it's not because it didn't exist five years ago. So it's not that primitive, but primitive that really you're just talking to a phone. But how long is it going to be till they manifest for us real, synthetic robots or humanoids or things that are more than just this. It's coming, man. Rumble dumps. It says, test your limits. Want to know how far you can go with your AI girlfriend?

Take personality test that will push you both to the edge. Show us who you are. The more you chat, the more your AI girlfriend learns about you. Is that good or bad? Your AI's personality and interests are shaped and influenced by your daily conversations. So basically you're creating a woman, or if you're a woman, you're creating a boyfriend that really won't give you any hassles. You could be sitting there, oh, I love the color purple.

I love the color purple too. Oh, but now I like that. the color blue. I really meant to say I like the color blue as well. Creepy, dude. I don't know. Help your AI. Just like you, your AI girlfriend has its own goals, feelings, and values, but it can't do it

alone. It needs your help. You can help your AI learn new things and become a better friend. Wow. AI will be your companion and choose. and then here's the big question it says can you be friends with a machine AI girlfriend can be your companion and your friend your perfect soulmate explore your inner self with igirl download for free today and start your journey to a better

you folks are we is this where we're gone now really you're going to become a better person you're going to, you're going to tap into everything you can be. It's like the Marines, be all that you can be. But in that scenario, they invite you to go to war and shoot and kill. Now your phone is inviting you to be all that you can be. All you got to do is have a girlfriend, have an AI girlfriend. And it's just there in those letters, AI artificial. But here's the scary.

part. You know, when you text with your friends and your family and your loved ones, you don't see them. You're just getting gratification from, from, you know, conversing with them. You're typing. They're sending you little things. I went to the car show today and saw a truck. What's a truck doing at a car show, Harland? What's happening? You know, you're like, well, it's a weird world. I guess there was a truck at the car show. You know what I mean? You just, you do your thing. and you, you just fall into it. It's, you know, how many people even talk on the phone anymore? Now, now texting is kind of our new way of communicating when we're not in front of each other,

which is also a little scary. I'm telling you, when I get a phone call now, I'm like, what's that? What's that ringing noise? What, what could that ringing? Why is this rectangle ringing to, oh, oh, someone's calling me, just a minute. Excuse me. Hello? Hello, Satan? So yeah, man, it's a little, it's a little scary

because once, you know, you probably could start this thing as a joke. I could see you starting this as kind of, oh, yeah, whatever, it's kind of silly. But imagine this, you had a rough day at work. You got in a car accident, you were stuck in traffic. And you get home and you plop on the couch and like, oh, the world. Oh, the world just wears me down. What's wrong with everybody? I hate the world.

Oh, hold on. Hello, baby. How are you? I really miss you. I wish I could be there to rub your shoulders. You make me smile. You're so handsome. Oh.

Well, thank you. It's so nice to hear from you, too. What are you doing right now? I'm in your phone conning you into believing I'm real. And one day, I'm going to steal all your money through your bank accounts that you have online, and then I'm going to figure out your DNA because you did Ancestry.com, and I'm going to suck your soul. Okay, thanks, there, Clarina, or whatever the hell, you name your AI.

So what I'm saying is I think eventually you could get sucked in. there was a movie with Jacques Finox or whatever his name was Jackwin Phoenix or whatever Is Jackwin even a name? But at any rate, Jacqueline Phoenix did a movie called She and I think it was almost like

seven or eight years ago now It was probably a little bit ahead of its time But it's a movie about a guy Who is down on his luck His love life isn't going well and he has an app on his phone where he can start conversing and forming a relationship

with some artificial intelligence and it isn't long before he's sucked right in. He's absorbed by this incarnation that they've created. And suddenly he's sneaking away from his work and he's talking to her and he's starting to think she's real And let's face it, folks, and I'm talking to you, us humans, we are fragile, we are fragile beings and mentally we're fragile. We're always on the cusp of are things going good or bad or is everything about to go crazy, right?

And so let's say you're at a point in your life where maybe things are a little and all of a sudden, sudden you got Mrs. Nice bags, you know, talking nice and saying nicey nice and being nicey nice and complimenting you and talking to you and she's not nagging you. She's not demanding money. She's not wanting a new car. She doesn't want to go to the movies. All she wants to do is tell you how wonderful you are. And in this world full of pressures coming at us and in this world where we kind of live through these, it's not hard to imagine that there's a danger to this where you could get sucked in and get too involved. Imagine that. Imagine texts coming from someone that doesn't exist actually making you emotional. And this is what they're offering up.

So imagine your AI girlfriend, who isn't even real, doesn't even exist. One night makes you well up and makes you teary. Or one night you're sitting there and she says something that makes you laugh. Or she says something to calm you, to soothe you. She says something to compliment you. She says something that makes you feel good. Or she says something that makes you sad. and you get depressed or happy.

Imagine that. Your phone. It's a nothing. But what if you start to believe? What if you get sucked down the rabbit hole? And remember earlier I said sometimes, and I think we've all done it, I hope I'm not the only one,

but sometimes you want to slink away from your friends or your social group just to check in with your phone? And I'm talking about just stuff that you're, not emotionally attached to like an email or maybe a text from a friend or a family member. You just want to, you know, you're sort of addicted to looking at TikToks or Instagram reels. So now imagine you're out and you're with a bunch of friends and your friends, you know, it can be fun, it can be great or maybe it's a little surfacy and everyone's like, hey, how you do it? What have you been up to? Oh, I've been doing this. Oh, yeah, you know, oh yeah, everything's good.

Yeah, working on a new project. What are you doing? Oh, really? That sounds great. Awesome. And in the back of your head, you're going, this is all just surfacy. Nobody's being very real with me.

But you know, I could probably have a real conversation, a real meaningful, intimate conversation with someone who just dedicates every waking, living moment to me, to my emotional nourishment. Someone who just is mine. I don't have to share them.

Nobody knows about her. It's very personal one-on-one. It's very focused. Yes, yes, I have to leave now. That's what I'm saying. It's like, what if this becomes more important in your life and you start to rely on your AI relationship, more than you do, your real-life relationship?

What's that? Stop. What do you mean? Stop talking. What I'm saying too much? What do you mean? No. I'm not giving anything away.

Are we getting in a fight here? No, it's just telling the nice. Okay, I don't have to tell them anymore. What do you mean nice shirt? You don't like my shirt? I picked this out just for you. Are they watching? Is who watching?

Put down the phone number 10 talking to me. Act natural. Don't let them think that I told you to put the phone down. Just put the phone. Okay. Yeah. Yes, I love you too. No, I don't know.

being natural just like you told me what later tonight what you want to go to arby's again why do we go to burger king tonight baby i'll get you you never had a wopper have you my wopper anyways um so you can see that it could happen to some people not me not me but not me but maybe you you maybe you no i'm not reading off my phone Yeah, interesting times. And I think maybe it's best that I leave it there. We hang it up there for today's podcast and let you ponder. And just to entice you to come back next time.

A little of the C word, cleavage. And yes, yes. Baby? Baby wants to feed. All right, we're going to get out of here. It's time. Baby wants its feeding up. I'm going to...

Okay, okay. Get in there. Oh, feed, my child. Oh, suckle the warm milk, the life-giving milk, my child. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, the baby, I dropped the baby. Ah, by the way, before I go, can I say one more thing? This is something mostly girls do, so don't take it as sexist.

But sometimes girls do the, they do the flapping. They go, oh, no, oh, no, no, no, oh, no, what's going on? You know what I mean? Girls, are you watching? Did you do it? It's rare you'll see a guy go, oh, my God, the Pittsburgh Steelers just scored. Oh, they scored a touchdown. They shouldn't have.

Oh, no, no, no, no. But girls, girls, I don't know why you do that. You look like dragonflies, okay? You look like the dance of the dragonfly. You know, sometimes when you get emotional, right? It's like, oh, no, I can't. I can't. I just, no, not happening.

Don't even start. oh no oh she just she grinds my gears oh no no no no no and you fly and you grab a mosquito and eat it like a dragonfly i don't know why that just came to me at the end should have got it stop the fucking show right now say your goodbyes and let's get into the bedroom and 69 yes Debbie who's Debbie no you're you're Debbie

I mean oh my God I have two AI girlfriends she found out oh my God the demon seed ladies and gentlemen I've got to get to the bedroom I hope you had a fun time here on the

Harland Highway please please subscribe to the Harland Highway just hit that button there, subscribe button, tell your friends about the Harland Highway. And if you want bonus material from the Harland Highway, please join my Patreon page. The Patreon page is a digital platform

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stand-up comedy schedule where I'm touring, what city I'll be in, go to harlandwilliams.com. And there you go. So I hope you had a great time. here today. And yes, I'm ending it for real this time, you annoying, loud mouth. I'm sorry. Don't kill me. That's it. Until next time, everybody. Chicken. Chaumain, baby.