The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #61 - ANDREW SANTINO, Comedian, Actor, Podcaster.

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

Andrew stops by to share skin care tips, health care tips, Helen Keller tips, and all kinds of gibberish! Sponsor: HelloFresh.com/HARLAND16 and use code HARLAND16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody, it's Harland, and before we get started today, I just want to say thank you to everyone watching the Harland Highway podcast. What a milestone. We just hit 40,000 subscribers on our YouTube channel, and I want to thank each and every one of you for signing up. Please tell your friends about the Harland Highway podcast, and let's get another 40,000. Let's try and get to 100,000 before the end of the year. What a celebration. Yahoo! Yay! Woo-hoo!

Happy 40,000, everybody. And keep on watching. And we'll keep the celebration going. My heartbeat is 48. 48 beats a minute. Fuck off. Can we hear that again? Shoot, I think you have a clot.

Yeah, a little baby one. That sounded horrible, dude. It's nice knowing, yeah. God bless. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Sounds like you did research to do this show.

I just watched. I just watched one. That's not research. Research would be like, investigating. What was that? I heard, hello? Hello.

Did you hear something? Hello. What was that noise? You get started whenever you're ready. I'll just be here. No, but I heard, I don't want to start if we have a tech audio problem. I heard a weird noise.

I can't hear anything. I don't know. I heard it was like a grumbling. Nothing from me. It sounded like, hmm. We'll have to rewind the tape. I have no idea.

You didn't hear it? Nope, because you don't have the cans on. Okay, okay. Well, then why don't we get started? Here we go. So, ladies and gentlemen, uh-huh, well, now that's right, welcome to the Hala Hawa podcast. But if you understand, do you speak Kajun? Sure.

Welcome to the Hala Hawa Parker. We have a special guy outside. That's not Cajun. No, it's not at all. What is it? I think you're doing. Yikes. I think you're doing.

Yeah. Are you doing? I don't know. he's that dude i i was trying for cajan i'll be honest i'm taking cajian up with devry night classes i'm trying to enunciate oh i show i'm glad for you to see me i guarantee who no that's not good that is really bad that's uh you're almost doing like a transatlantic there a transatlantic who landed in the south she's transatlantic yeah her name is atlantic they're the widest of all the trans God, you don't want to fall into that.

Well, she used to be Mediterranean, but you know how that worked out. Sure, you get a weed whacker and then you're transatlantic. Whoa, there's that sound again. Yeah. Oh, that's a good one. That's when it gets stuck when it goes. Yeah. That's when you're with an Armenian girl.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, the Fons. The Fons. Bud, it's good to see you. Good to see you, man. Thank you for having me over. I've never been to San Bernardino, but I guess this is a nice place to be. Isn't it great?

It's deep. This is way out. Way out. We're on the 12th floor of an office building in San Ban. San Ban. And I was in Philadelphia. Speaking of all these wacky accents, I was in Philly. fully about two three weeks ago yeah okay and i will get back to the cage and stuff but i was walking down

this i stopped at pup-bys i got it in a bag i'm walking back to the hotel yeah and there was a great big black homeless dude sitting on the corner and i'm just walking by and he sees him he goes you got the papa you got the papa papa you got the papa you got the papa yep papa he got that and he just kept saying it is he saying pot pie yeah but he was just like he got the papa pot pie no not pop pie. He's saying you've got pot pie. No, he's saying Popeye. I think he was asking you if you got pot pie at Popeye. Did they have pot pie at Popeye? Poppie has some of the best pop pie I've ever had in my life. She saw Popeye down by the pot pie. See? I'm God, I don't need, I can't believe you've even said that. You're overheating. I'm, I'm getting, I feel moist. Slow down. Do you have a sham

wow on you at all that I could board you? I hear you wear one as a wrap around your groin. I usually wrote, I have a secondary sham on top of my underwear in case that I leak. Well, I have incontinence, if you want to talk about it. You're in, what continent are you on? All right. Now, North America, but I just got back from Australia. So you are non-continent in two continents. I had incontinence in multiple continents.

What is a continent? Because look, we know what it is, but they don't. The fans at home? For sure they don't. Well, the people at home is three. What's the difference between a continent? Not me. Don't look at me.

Look at them because they don't know stuff. So here's what a continent is. Thank you. It's a big body of land That also has other bodies of land inside of it Mm-hmm Like There's a dark continent

You can talk about that They ever been to the dark continent? Which one? There's only one guy They call it the cradle of civilization Where we all originated from China No, starts with an A

Alabama No stupid i know this albania no it sort of hangs down it looks like south america but it's on the other it's across the pond you know we have south america underneath us it hangs like a underneath is in what below us socially below no below america below mexico then you got so it hangs like a giant we ever seen those chunks of euros meat at the mediterranean oh yeah it hangs like a slab of that euros grease meat a big chunk of lamb huh yeah so on the If you just went directly across the ocean, you'd find another giant Euro's, and it's called

the dark continent. India is right across the ocean. Correct. Yeah. And it hangs low like that. Nice grab. Yeah. Andrew Santino gang, before we get going.

I do have a gang, by the way. Please join. Oh, really? Yeah, we're taking applications now. What's it called? To Andrew Santino gang. Oh, God. Bagpipes and kilts.

Yeah, the kilty boys. We used to be called the kilty boys until we got sued by a. group, a folk group called the kilty kids. And they said they own guilty boys, men, kids, and the kilty, uh, the kilty, uh, the kilty retirees. So, uh, we're going to go back to Andrew Santino gang until we can find a new name. You know what I like about your gang because you're, you're violent. You're rough like the, like the bloods and the crips, but you don't do drive by as you do clog by. Yeah, we throw a shoe right at your head. No, well, you, the river dance thing. You'll go right by a home, a family, and

river dance on a kid's face on his back don't push us don't tempt us what i'm trying to say don't tempt the gang don't tempt the gang don't tempt the boys um buddy comedian actor one two writer three gang man not writer now gee come on the writer's strike geez you don't want to oh yeah are you not trying to get sued oh yeah the writer's strike oh yeah i crossed a picket line just to get here did you what what happened there's picketers right right outside of, right outside of the office. And they're like, no more Harlan Highway. No more Harlan.

And I said, screw over, bud. I'm going up to H.H. Pod. Oh, dude. You're like a cinnamon angel. Mm-hmm. But what I do know, too, buddy, is I want to kick this off because you're a family guy, right? I do love you. You love my family?

Mm-hmm. No, but you have a family. So they say. You have a wife. Yes, so they say. Yeah. I wake up in the morning and I say, give me the script. Give me the script for my life and they tell me how it goes.

They tell you how it goes. Yeah, they tell me what's happening. Here's what I want to get into because, you know, you're a handsome dude. Ditto. You're a worldly guy. I wanted to help our viewers with a little thing where are you a good lovemaker. Like, are you good? No.

You're not? No. Okay. Yeah. I'm good at sex. Yeah. But love, no chance. Not good at love making.

I'm just good at pumping and dumping. That's what I wanted to hear. Because I want to help these folks. I want me and you to help these folks. And here's what we're going to do. I bought this book on Amazon, buddy. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Have you read this? I read it. I did the forward. I don't want to be forward, but I did it. I actually did the forward. Well, I bought this and look at blank. We should fill it out. So what I was thinking is you and I could create, tell people about sex positions to help with their intimacy.

We'll go A through H. We'll each do one, A through H, and then people can fill their little books with some fresh, new, exciting sex positions. All right. Well, what's your favorite position? Well, we've got to start with A. Anal. Oh, okay. Is that your first one?

What else is? What's the other A? Do I, am I missing one? Well, they can be whatever you want. You know what I'm saying? Well, anal's the one that I want. I don't know how else to say that. That's the one I want.

Oh, you want, okay. Yeah, if you thought I drove all the way to San Bernardino to not get some A from you. Yeah. No, not from me. This is for them. Oh. Yeah. Oh, right.

Well, then what about some of the, affection, just some good old-fashioned affection. That starts with an A. That's an affection. That's a position where it's just hugging and touching and stand in an affection. Hugging and rubbing. What about affection anal? Like it's like a real gentle, like.

I don't think people do it gentle. I don't think there's an effect. I don't think there's a gentle anal. I would assume that's not in there. Yeah. I think anal is probably tough. Yeah. I'm going to say Applebee's anal.

That's my A. Oh. You're getting like a two for one or something like that? Well, you can do it. You can do it like you're in a booth. You can order food while you're doing it. Oh, wow. Finger foods.

You know. Finger foods. You know, you can have an appetizer. I don't do appetizers. You don't? Give me the main course, baby. Yeah. I'm going to eat the main meal.

I don't want to play around. Just get me the meal. Wow. Uh-huh. Wow. You know, I'm not big on sex positions, though. Oh, how come, guy? I don't believe in them.

I don't believe in repositioning. Why? I think the way that. that God, our Lord Jesus Christ, invented Coytus, that we just go to the old school. The only sex position that you ever need to simplify for both parties. And it's 69 for forever. What's Coytus?

This is another word for sex. It is? Yeah. Is it Latin? Yeah. Yeah, it means penetration. No, it does. Really?

Google it. Coitus. Coitus. Yeah. Marcus Coytis was an old Latin philosopher. that he, you know, every time he walked in a store, he'd go, Coitus here, and they go, this guy's penetrating every single avenue he can get in. He's just in everyone's business.

That's where it came from. Really? I've heard that term before, but I didn't know what it meant. That's where it's from. Marcus Coitus, yeah. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Yeah, well, Marcus Coitus, but Marcus for the modern day. I mean, I'm sure your fans don't speak Latin. You know what I mean? Marcus? Marcus. He was Italian. Oh, he was Latin. What's Latin?

You've never been to Latania. This guy's not traveled. This loser, never been to Latania. I've been to the continent of Latania. Yeah, but you've never been down to where Marcuse is from, have you? You can learn a couple things from me. You travel with me. I'll show you where to go and who to know.

Wow. Yeah. You've been a possum island? No. Seriously? Where is it? Opossum Island. You've never been?

Opossum or possum? Well, they're both. They're right next to each other. No, where, where is it? Off the coast of Ken. You should go, dude. You'd love it. What's there?

This is my sixth coffee, by the way. Wow. I'm trying to amp up. A lot of people are trying to quit. I go more coffee. Why? Because when I wake up in the morning, I want to almost stop breathing. And so I have as much coffee as I can until my heart is like.

Is that the first thing you ingest when you wake up? Coffee? Yeah. No. No. hair. I put my dog right on my face and then I get a couple in now. I throat and then a little bit of coffee. I have two coffees at the house, one on the go at breakfast, one on the go to here. I'll have another one later today. I'll fall asleep by six or seven a.m. tomorrow and I'll

be back up at 8 a.m. I'll get about an hour and a half asleep max. That's almost like a fish filter. You know, when you put that, when you put it on your face and you breathe through it. Talk about a COVID mask. Just Well, breathe through your dog. Well, because, and this is kind of the rhythm I need to have because I've quit everything else. I've quit. I'm all, uh, I'm done. Why? I gave up, you know, I gave up drinking soda.

I didn't, well, I didn't give up cocaine, but I gave up soda. I gave up, uh, cigarettes. I gave up, no, I still didn't pills. I gave up, I gave up a few other things. What about whiskey? Oh, I gave it up. No. No, no, that's right. No, I did not.

No, you love that. I gave up weed. You did? Yeah. You were never big into that, were you? Yeah, huge. I smoked weed for like 25 years. You did?

Yeah. Every day? I think I was almost every day. And then I had to stop. Why? Because my neighbor came over one day, Rap-a-tap tapped on the door, and he said, you got to stop. How was it affecting your neighbor, guy?

How was my marijuana ingestion? Yeah, affecting him. Well, because I was stealing his weed. I would break into his house at night, steal his weed and smoke it. And he was like, enough is enough. So I figured if I'm not going to steal this guy's weed anymore, I'm not going to go out and buy it and smoke it. So if I wasn't getting free weed, I was going to quit.

How's your heart? How's your heart? Earlier you did some heartbeat noises. I just wondered. Do you want to hear what it sounds like now? Yeah. it's fine for me wow okay sound healthy yeah thank you a slow heartbeat is a sign of a healthy guy you know they say that and that's true i do have my heartbeat is 48 48 beats a minute

fuck off can we hear that again hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order.

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Shoot. Shoot, I think you have a clot. Yeah, a little baby one.

That sounded horrible. dude. It's nice snowing, yeah. God bless. It's good to be here. Hey, everybody, I want to mention Hello Fresh. What is Hello Fresh you're asking me in the middle of the podcast? Well, with Hello Fresh, you get Farm Fresh, pre-portion ingredients, and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. This summer, HelloFresh is here to take the work out of eating well. Reach your goals with delicious calorie smart and protein smart lunch and dinner options,

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Huh? Butt stuff. You already did that with A. You did an anal. Damn, B-stuff. What about a bongo blaster? Oh, a bongo blaster.

Yeah. Oh, have high. That's a great position. What you do is you know this one. You get behind. It's like doggy style. And then the girls' bongos are hanging down. And you do,

it helps you keep the rhythm. I like that. Yeah. We could do a bully ball. You could play bully ball. Oh, what's that one? It's where you, like a soccer, a header, you know, in soccer, and you header, the nutsack. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, bully ball.

You don't know that? No, I know. That sounds like it would hurt, though. Does she wear a helmet or is she doing it with her forehead? Your forehead's pretty soft. It's a lot softer than you think. Wait, she's doing it, right? If she's sitting in your nuts sack.

Both of you could do it. It's 2023. I'm not going to tell people what they can and can't do. Oh, yeah, I guess. If you can bend down there and reach it and you can hit your own nuts with your forehead, more power to you. Can you imagine doing the, what's it called the bully blaster? The bully ball. The bully ball.

A bully ball with Charday. Have you seen her forehead starts about here? Mm-hmm. I mean, can you imagine getting bully-balled by Charday? Sweet operator, donk. I mean, she'd bully ball you all the way to Cleveland. It'd be that, or you could play Wully Bully Bully. Wully Bully.

Wully Bully. Wollie bully Bolly Buhle Buh. Wollie Bolly. Wolle, and then you... Whoa, did you... Did you just... spin right there? Yeah.

Wow. I was a DJ before I was a comedian. No way. A dog janitor? Yep. Yeah, you'd have to clean up after these guys. They'd go nuts. The amount of feces on the floor of a local dog hotel is just absurd.

Wow. Yeah, I was a dog janitor for a couple years. Paid well, though. Yeah, you look like the shirt. I could tell by the shirt you've been paid well. I stole this from set. I stole this from one of the shows I did. What show are you doing, Ross Dress for Less show?

okay well well if you stole it from the set like you're clearly doing some kind of show you know some of us you know some of us don't have the kind of money that you do to wear flannel's unbuttoned right that's as i know i get it the more holes the fancier i get it i'll get it no no no no what i didn't know what you were getting at please don't unbutton another button more i'd actually like two more buttons button satan you are satan no you i said oh why I'm the bad guy. I don't want to see skin. Well, you wore a short-sleeve shirt there, playboy.

It's 114 degrees in San Bernardino. Did you want me to wear a long sleeve like this? That's why you cut holes in it because you can't take the heat. Go to a commercial. Hi, do you like, well, I don't have a sponsor. Yeah, you don't have a sponsor. I was going to do a commercial, but I don't have a sponsor. Give me sex position C.

C, children of the corn. that's when you're driving through the country with your gal and you know sometimes you just want to do it on the road you veer off you don't pull over to the curb and get out into the corn you drive right into the corn and you just go at it until Malachi appears and goes you're finished

whoa yeah that's how have you done this I've done it yeah have you ever done a calypso click carnival jeezu christian the seventh saviors from Silvertown you never done a calypso click carnival no but I've heard of them very fun do tell the freaks watching how that works essentially what happens is you the calypso is a is a is a dance uh and you're doing the calypso with the clit and they're and it's and it's a good it is a big carnival it's a big party and uh dugan dung dugan dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun beads bead dang dug and it's very new orleans uh in its inception but um the calypso click

carnival is needless to say a party is it a party is it a blackened clit or is it a regular clit? Like, you know, Cajuns love to... It's seasoned, yeah, it's seasoned, yeah, you're not going to get it. I mean, you could get it, I guess you could get it unseasoned if you don't have any. But it's Calypso. You want a blackened clit. I mean, have you ever had blackened salmon or blackened halibut?

It just gives it that kick. I mean, if you want your clit... Not blankened, browned. I've had browned, but never blackened. If you're down in Calypso country, and this goes back to the Cajun now, show I'm glad to see your Cajun style clit are guarantee now. Papa. But that's, oh, that's a good one.

And it sounds very rhythmical. It is. Yeah. So you have to go to the rhythm when you're, you have to dance with your tongue out like that. So this is embarrassing. That clip's going to be on the internet and I can feel it right now. Let's go to D.

The Dolly Parton, and you know how that one works. You put on her eyelashes, the fake eyelashes, and you butterfly kiss your woman right down in the Bermuda Triangle. And it's just like a, you know, girls love a feather. Sure they do. When you do the dolly part and you put on those big long eyelashes and you're just like all over her Bermuda triangle and she will scream like the big foot just fell on a timp, on a birch log.

I mean, bro. You ever done the Daddy Yankee? No, what's that? You don't know what that is? No, you got some good one. I haven't heard it, but this is, this is what we want our folks to know. The Daddy Yankee is when you have about 14 or 15 of your Puerto Rican friends come over, and they throw an insane rage party, and they sleep with your wife.

Oh, wow. Mm-hmm. I don't, wait. I've been doing it for years, and I don't understand what the benefit is, but she loves it. And so I go along with that. She says, let's Daddy Yankee again this weekend. So, Daddy Yankee comes over a bunch of. How many guys?

14, 15 Puerto Rican friends. Could it be a soccer team? Because that's roughly around the size of a... Could it be a Puerto Rican soccer team? They're all scoring, I'll tell you that. Everyone is on the offense. There's no defenders there. Those are all attackers.

A lot of penalty shots. Mm-hmm. So many shots on goal. Do they ever hit the crossbar? You know, the crossbar is worn down at this point. I don't even think there is one there anymore. It's just a big net. Does the referee get in there?

Yeah, he does, doesn't he? Probably. holds up the little card when he's finished. That's me. I'm always waving that white flag. Oh, you stand over and you're rostrous for a little shirt. It's... What?

You keep commenting about my rostress for a less shirt. You said you're on... And I'm not afraid to be a humble man about my shirt. That's fine. Yes, so I'm wearing a rostress for less shirt. What's wrong with that? Well, no, is there nothing wrong if you... I tell you one thing before the show to not talk about on here is my rostress for a

shirt and you bring it up twice. You said you stole it from the set and I just said, well... I was hoping that was a cool story. you mock me for the thing I told you, please don't mock me. I was my Ross Jess for the last shirt. If you said I stole this shirt from... If you talk about my CVS pants, I'm going to be pissed. Let's go to D.

We just did it. Just seeing if you were listening. E. We really did, do it. We just did D. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harrow. Bling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at hardbleng.com. You can see

tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys. and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design,

wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Were you ever a priest or an altar boy or anything? I was a baptized. I was a baptizer. You baptized children? I was a baptiz.

I should say, culturally. It's not okay. So you took the babies and dunked them? Yeah. No way. Yeah, baptizer. You ever do a three-pointer? You know, the parents freak out when you throw them.

Just stick to dunking? I've been dunking for years. I don't want to go from that far back. Yeah. Okay. And yeah, I've been Duncan. I've been Duncan kids in baptism water for years and years and years and years. And I'm still going to do it.

I don't care if my comedy career continues to be good. I'd rather stick to the thing I love. You ever just get a baby by the back of its soft little skull and just slam its face into a donut and say, welcome to Duncan Donuts, you little bald fuck? Where did that come from? Where did that come from? That's deep. I don't, that's, sorry, guy.

I don't know if you need that. Yeah, let's not say that. But I have done something similar. Yeah. Yeah. E, guy, the English laddie. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the one where your wife doesn't want dirty talk.

That's right. She doesn't want to be hit around. She doesn't want, she wants a proper English intercourse. Yeah, flogging. And this is where you plan the evening. You do a pheasant under glass. You wear a tuxedo. You slowly take it off.

You act like a complete gentleman and have sat sure intercourse. with your wife. Whoa. And sometimes they like it really dainty and pleasant and in the God's good English type of thing, right? Do you do this say, have you done this before? Yeah, oh yeah. We do this probably twice a month, the English laddie.

They like it. You know, a lot of women say they like it rough. They like to be hit around. Some not really choked, you know. But once in a while, they just like to have sexual intercourse. At the end of it, there's a warm business. get and a cup of tea on the night table and maybe a little warm milk inside of her breasts i've heard enough you're hired uh whoa this has been an audition by the way for people at home this is not a

podcast he's auditioning whoa for bridgerton and i got to tell you it's yours i don't uh party it's yours daddy doesn't party on fun fun street yeah yeah i'm on a pink boulevard sliding right down clit avenue and uh you won't see me on uh one-eyed willie's uh wagnut boulevard whatever the hell you call it so yeah the english laddie have you ever done it have you ever tried the english like just a treat for your little lady and not ever done it i've done the uh what's your e uh um it's called the terran edgingerton you know terran edgerton you know terran edgerton you know it's when you uh watch scenes uh that he does while you ed You edge, you know, you get close and you stop, you get close, and you do it a lot.

And you edge the entire time. You never get to pop. That's kind of part of the thing. Yeah, because you're saving it up for F, the next position. Oh, F, yeah, the Philopian. Philopian, Flaming, Flamingo, Flaningo, yeah. That's the one where you go so far up. You hit the fallopians.

And you've seen that the filopians are shaped like a pretzel. And because the man's wiener is so flexible, it's the only position where your wiener goes up, takes a detour. Yeah, it goes around. It comes around and then meets itself. Have you ever met any of the Philopians of the people? Yeah, they're great. They're quite nice. For years, I thought fallopians would be like, you know, kind of, you know.

No, they really, they know, nose in the air, so to speak, you know, a higher class. No, the real sort of blue color, they made their fortunes in the timber industry. Yeah, they did. And so, you know, they've got a real sort of grounded quality. But, yeah, the fallopian is one of the, it's. tough on your partner because, uh, you know, you're, you know what's going into areas that it's never been, but, you know, that's, uh, that's part of the adventure game when you're having sex. Yeah.

Uh, what's your F guy? Um, you're my F guy. Uh, I'm going to say in Cajun now. Uh, I says what now? Come back. Come again now, boy. God, you are a good actor. I got that up at DeVry. When I see you, I think.

I think that guy's, he's got something. Well, I told you I was taking a Cajun class at DeVry, right? It's working. Well, I said it right at the beginning, and then when you said that. But that was a plug for DeVry because they sponsor the show. I think it's a little cheap to plug your... I told you earlier I didn't have sponsors. Yeah, you plug DeVry three times on here.

We know what it is. You want to plug something else? DeVry, but I won't because I don't have a sponsor. You want to plug this company? Who's the manufacturing company here? We wrote that up at DeVry. I wrote that. Printed the cover.

Made in the USA, Las Vegas, Nevada. At DeVry. There's a DeVry in Las Vegas, Nevada. You ever been to Vegas? Yeah. This is what TV hosts do all the time we go like this. They go, he's got a new book coming out. And they tap on it.

What's with the tapping? They do it all the time. They tap to go, there it is. He's got a brand new book coming out. Harlem Williams, everybody, thank you. And they'll look at it again, and they'll go right back to it just to. That sounds like some allubes.

And they always put it down real soft like that. Yeah. Boy, you really know newscaster bookstuffs. Well, that was a publisher. What'd you publish? Or I was a dog janitor. I used to be a publisher. He published novels.

Novels about dogs. I did a bunch of dog novels. You really were a DJ, huh? You weren't making it up? We called them, uh, nonfiction barks. Book bark. It has a book, bark, bark, barks. Nonfiction borks.

it's all about dogs written by dogs written by dogs it's you know it was written by dogs distributed by dogs I worked for a company mostly for four dogs by dogs wow you know what I'd love to do with seeing eye dogs turn the lights out close the door fucks them up royally that's really mean that's how daddy parties like to party with

I'll fuck up a seeing eye dog Tuesday Wednesday Saturday and Thursday Fuck me tender in the night guy I do what I want You're a bad boy buddy What would you do is to a seeing eye dog Well I'm not going to hinder the blind person From getting where they need to go

So I probably would leave them alone I'm not like you dude I don't take away Like you're the kind of guy that runs up to a guy in a wheelchair Grabbs his arms pulls him out of it Takes the chair Yeah Well

You know what else I do? Yeah. I'll put Vaseline on the, you know, the silver rims that they grab. I'll vasselene them up and they just sit there. Sit and spin. And they just don't go anywhere. They don't go on it. They'll be there for six, seven hours, just spinning.

That's cruel. Oh, yeah, you should smell the rubber burn. It's like a crip. Just like a crip with rubber burn. Crip. Cripp. Oh. You got a crip.

Oh, Harlan. No, here's what you got to understand. about, do you do comedy? Yeah. So what you have to do with comedy, everyone has to be inclusive. So if there's a Crip, Cripple listening right now, they're not going, oh, that's me. And they're going, hey, I'm being included.

Oh, yeah. It's funny. If I'm a cripple, I'm probably laughing at the imagery of Crips spinning. I just don't think they call them cripples. I don't think that's the term that people say now. Well, what do they say? Spinners? Dissies, disabled people, Dissies.

Dissies. Okay. Walt Disney. Uh, okay, so spin in a dissey. Yeah, a spinny dissey would be probably the best way to say it. Okay. I want to know what's on this form, by the way. What does that say?

This is all my questions for you. Give me some questions. I want to hear some. You do? Yeah, because I'm staring at it. I want to know what's on there. Oh, great. Okay.

Yeah, so should we start? Let me hit the theme music. We'll start the show. Please. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway for the second time with my very special guest, Andrew Santino, and let's get into some questions. You're a married guy, right?

Do you have a family? Yeah. Do you ever do sexual positions? Sure. What we'd like to do is maybe go through some of them from A to H. Okay. But why don't we just jump right to, I don't know. E?

Yeah. Do you have one for E? Yeah. Or F? Maybe F. Maybe F. Try F. That could be a fun, fun. F for fun. Place to start. Face fucking. Oh, talk to me. Oh, is this the one that Jason Horhees on? It's pretty literal. It's literal. It's actually just fucking someone's face. I've done it. Giggle. Gaggle gargling. And that's when you are, you gather a gaggle of geese and you put their little goose penis in your mouth and you gargle it. And H, of course, is called the Harland Highway.

And you know what that is. Wow, I think. That's where he keeps on going and going and going and going until he hits the water. Wow. Next question. Okay, great. This kid's hot. This kid's off fire, gang.

What was that noise? What noise? I heard like a grumble. like a must be something in your mic or your headphones no i think i definitely heard it this time earlier i thought i i don't think you did next question it sounded like a ground next question okay well if you're gonna uh let's see oh here we go here we go you uh one thing i've known you for how long guy how long come on couple years years years one thing i've noticed about you yeah you're always very well groomed i'm

I never see your beard like messy. It's always like really. I try to be a cute boy. Right. Because. Here's the question. Let's tell me about your cosmetic procedures, like how you groom. Talk to me, guys. If you want, okay, look, when you're, when you're a natural, did you hear that?

What? It was like a grumbly, gargling thing. No, there was nothing. I would have heard it because I have. Yeah, okay. so what's your what's your uh grooming what do you do because you look good you've got a you got a sheen almost you almost look like martin she i can credit to one man oh really no i know who that is sam oh he is a fantastic man and uh i've been going to him for years what do you do though is it important

to you to stay groomed and because a lot of guys just like let it sam is this fantastic man that cuts and sucks and cleans and weans and uh it's it's my little secret my little fantastic sam is my little secret but do you ever just go like bush do you ever just let it go like if you go camping are you are you keeping it like it's it's very well i'm not going to go camping so that's probably what am i doing out there well camping why do i want to sleep outside so you can hear the crickets i'm okay i know i know i know exactly what i know exactly what what they sound like. Look at that.

Don't need to go camping. That's it. Camping doesn't interest me. What about seeing the stars? I've seen them. I've seen a bunch of them. I've seen them actually so many times. I don't know if I never see stars again.

Won't make a difference at all in my life. I know exactly what they look like. What about hearing owls? I hope those things go away forever. Don't even get me started about owls. An owl killed a cat of mine when I was seven years old, swooped down, ripped its head, clean off of his body, Mr. Fuddles, and I watched his body walk around still without his own head

searching for his head for a good 30 or 50 days and could not believe that it lasted that long. So owls, no thanks. Who wants you around? That's what I would say to an owl. Who wants you around? Mr. Fuddles? Mr. Fuddles? Oh,

no, it's just me, dude. Sorry. That was you? I didn't mean to trauma. Was that, I didn't mean to, I was having, I was doing a bit and I feel like maybe I traumatized you. I was a little bit. My heart was listening to this.

Oh my God, let's hear. Whoa, dude, sorry. That's okay. If I cause that, I'm sorry. That's not a big deal. Don't be sorry. What do you do for your skin? Your skin is like...

I don't do anything. You know what it is? What? Come on. I wash my face. I'll party with daddy. I wash my face with spit every night like most men on this planet. You mean saliva?

You saliva yourself? I collect a spit cup during the day and all day I'm spitting in that thing and that's what I wash my face with. Just slosh and wash. Slash and wash. God. Where did you grow up? You don't slosh and wash. I do.

Have you ever heard of Shark Tank? Like a, like at a museum, like at an aquarium, a shark tank? The invention show. The invention show, shark tank.

Yeah. What are you talking about? It's a show on ABC television, Shark Tank. People want to be inventors go in with their products and they sell them. Are you serious right now?

So no, did you not notice my complexion? Yeah, you look really beautiful. Right. So guess you want to know, why don't you ask a question, i.e., how come your skin so shiny and soft? What is Shark Tank? It's a show where people go in and there's three judges and they pitch a thing like, hey, this is the new fridge magnet. And if they like it, they invest in it.

And you have to pitch them. So I went in and pitched a thing that deals with. with why I have such a nice complexion. Why do you have such a nice complexion? Well, let me show you my invention. Please. It's a little thing I invented called the weenie wrinkler. And I'll show you how it works.

And if you can try it or you can try it on me. Okay, I'll try it on you. And what you do is you get a weener. And these have the softest meat, like a weener. And basically all it does is it. And you get that going on your face guy. And that, look, you know how soft a wiener is, right? Uh-huh.

I've held a million wieners. They're all quite soft. And you get that, and that's sort of tender. And if you want to try it on me, it has an extender on it. And just what you do, roll it around on my forehead, up and down my face. And it just, uh, yeah. Oh, so soft. So you do this every day?

Every night. Is this how your hair gets a little curl? Just a little curl. Yeah, you get a little curl, right there. Just a little curl. It almost puts me in a hypnotic state. Oh, yeah, right under the eyes. Get the bags.

Get the bags under the eyes, please. Takes away the puffiness. What are you doing? I'm sorry. Dude. Walk off. Walk on. Sorry, sorry.

Dude. This thing got out of control. This thing, the mechanism is skippy. I mean, sorry about that. Yeah. Sorry. Just keep it. It's from the face and even just around the chair.

Go on it, dude. The machine. Shut it off. God, damn it, this machine. Sorry. Come on, guys. This thing is broken. I would return that immediately.

So that's how it works. Would you like to try it? I'm okay. Okay. Well, that's my secret, my beauty secret. Honestly, I can't look as good as you, even if I did that every day for the rest of my life. But can you see the kind of the sheen on me?

Yeah, I see that. I definitely see a wiener sheen on your face. Yeah. But you're somebody that I've known for years. You've always had kind of a wiener sheen. So this has been going on for how long? Oh, I've been, I invented this six years ago. So you've been wiener sheaning for six years?

Well, it's called the weenie wrinkler. I think wiener sheen sounds. nicer. Well, the sheen is the result, but the weenie wrinkler, it, look, do I have any wrinkles? Hardly. Not anymore. Whoa, come on, God. No, no, no. That's what I'm saying. To the audience, I think they might see a shadow or two. All you're doing is making me paranoid. When I hear I got wrinkles, I'm, uh, I can continue this conversation, but I'm going to do a little facework while we're talking. Can I plug my charity? while you do that please yes you sure yeah okay just like to plug the charity here uh it's it's for um

got stuck go ahead it's stock i'll be all right it's a flaw in the mechanism just go ahead so the charity the charity are you okay Go ahead, plug your charity. Sorry, can I plug my charity? Yes. Go ahead. Sorry. I'm just trying to.

I mean, you can still do a weenie sheen, but you've got to let me plug my charity. I've got to be on camera every week. I know. I get it. Well, if I don't have soft skin, people aren't going to want to. Go ahead. You done?

Yeah. All right. I'm not going to plug my charity while you're putting a wiener in your mouth. It's not me. It's the thing. Well, turn it off. It's stuck. Oh, God.

Oh, fuck. How do I look, by the way? Go like this? Good. Okay. Well, please plug your charity. Can I plug it now? Yes.

Sorry. Okay. Please put a hyperlink right below me right. Okay, yeah, hyperlink, yeah, done. If you don't do it, I'll be pissed off. Snob, charity, snob. Well, I'm going to hyperlink down there so you can donate to the charity if you guys want. Are you going to do it?

I will, I will, I promise. Sorry, I have a deviated sept-up guy. That's you again. Was that you? That one was going to have a deviated, every now and then at snarful glunks. You know how to clear it out, huh? How. Two cracks to the back.

Do it right now and watch. Two what? Two cracks to the back. Breathing your nose. Fuck me tender in the night. You're welcome. No, seriously, dude, fuck me real tender all through the night. I've got things every night this week, but we will reconnect.

Are you being, is you asking me? No, I didn't mean you. That's an expression. That's an expression. I was going to say down at the Elks Club this entire week. Go ahead and express. How long were you a member of the VFW before you quit? Oh, well, when they shut.

down all the blockbusters, I had no choice. I couldn't get the VFWs anymore. There's no, I didn't even have a VFW machine at that point. They just, everything went laser disc. Yeah. What happened to those guys? You got any other questions? Well, we have to plug your charity and then we're going to do some more questions. Puddle pig poop. Puddle pig poop is a charity that takes pigs off of these disgusting farms that they keep them on, and we put them in puddles that are filled with pig poop. Because, you know, happy as a pig and shit is an expression people jokingly say, but it's actually

true. They love to roll around in their own shit. They do. So puddle pig poop is a charity that I've started about 16 or 17 months ago. Okay. And if you... Did you hear that? Well, I think I might have caught something.

Anyway, if you donate to the charity, every dollar you spend gets one hoof of a pig into a poop puddle. So please donate. Donate. Thank you. A lot. Thank you. Puddlepig poop.com. Well, we're on the topic of looks and etiquette, you know, face grooming.

You're probably my only friend, thank goodness, that has, you know, rare. head hair. Why would you say thank goodness, you don't want to associate with anybody. No, what I mean is, thank goodness, I at least have one friend who's a red. Oh, that sounds valid, yeah. Yeah. But we've heard that stupid saying kick a ginger. Kick a ginger, yeah.

Tell me how that makes you feel emotionally, physically, AIDSily, all of that. I dare anybody to kick me. I dare you. Whoa, it's a, okay. Yeah. So there's an anger. I see an anger burning. I dare anybody to kill.

kick me and see what happens. So your emotional reaction to kick a ginger is. See what happens. You think you're going to kick me and hot Cheetos are going to come out? You think you're going to kick me and Taheen's going to pour out? Try it. See what happens. It's like a cricket with flam.

I thought I was camping there for a minute. I want to bring you back to nature to camping. Bring me back to nature. Well, I didn't... Okay. Cry of the North. Cry of the North. Hello?

That's the cry of the South. Hello? Hello? Hi. Hey, shit. I just came to. You came to? I just came to.

Yeah. I just came too. That's why I said came too, because I just saw that you came. I'm looking right down at your crap. I know. We both kind of did it at the same time. Why you're just bubbling? Is that look like that all the time?

It's called it's an M. That's a little buggler. The milkshake mangler. We were only going to go to H. Well, let's not do licky lick. Let's licky lick isn't, well. Wow. Turned on.

Hang on. I can just give me one second. Yeah, no problem. Whatever you need. As much time as you need. You could just make that sound one more time. That question? Why don't we have names for the other, the other hairstyles?

Like what? Well, if we got kick a ginger. Oh, come on. No, I came up with some ones, and this is to help you. How about drop kick a blonde? No, that doesn't work. Why not? If you can kick a ginger, why can't you drop kick a blonde?

We have to pick someone up to drop them. That's a lot of weight. Right. But you're not going to put in the effort? First of all, dude, if you're going to go this far, Why don't you do something with alliteration? Okay, so like, choke a Chinese or, you know what I mean? If you're going to be racist towards Ginger's, why don't you do this to everybody, okay?

Why don't you go down the list. Okay, alliteration, how about, uh, Canadian, uh, why don't you, uh, you know. Oh, how about Bum Blast of Baldy? There it is, bum blast of Baldy. Right, you just walk up to slam a can of Pringles up there. Face fuck a four eye. I mean, yeah, you get see some of glasses. Now you're on it.

Right. It's rude. It's really rude. And I don't like this at all. Well, what I'm trying to do is to... No, you're talking about attacking people. You're talking about humping a hunchback. It's like you're talking about chaos.

That's chaos in the streets, okay? But what I'm trying to do is deflect the anger towards Gingy, and now we spread it around. Tongue kiss a toothless. You see somebody without teeth, you got to tongue them. There we go, guy, huh? Barnacle Bill... Go ahead.

Go ahead. What was it? What was it? Barnacle, Bill, and albino. Okay, very good. Yeah. Yeah, you could. What else?

I think you could do a ferret, ferret and afro. Like you just throw a ferret into an afro. That one doesn't work for some reason. Well, have you ever seen an afro? Have you ever seen a ferret? Yeah, you throw that in an afro and it makes tunnels and it could be in there for weeks. Aferet and an Afro, Fared and an Afro.

Yeah. I guess now I'm thinking about it. Well, let's not slam the door when Daddy's just coming through the frame. I didn't. I was closing it just a little bit. It felt like a slam. Sorry. It's your show. You're right.

How about Lion Pride of Black Hair? Like, just take someone with black hair taken with a zoo and throw them into the Lions. Right into the Pride. You type these up and printed it out. Yeah, I typed them up. Good. Did you save the document? Did you save that document?

I do a smart podcast. Did you save that document? Yeah. I would delete it from your heart drive. I don't just ramble. I don't, I, this is what we call a smart cast. So people tuning in, it's informative, it's educational, it's enlightening. I'm not just your spinning weeners.

You got it. What's next? Well, let's not rush, Daddy. Let's see. Daddy doesn't like to be rushed. I'd like to see what's next. Okay. Harp a hair pluck.

That's not. No, that's the alliteration. heart you play the harp you have a giant harp can you play the orchestra who can't it's just strings on a fucking dingleberry you walk up to someone with hair clang oh you hit him on the head you don't play it for them you clank them right over the hair plugs okay okay okay okay hair plug all this assault is going to get you in deep trouble pal I'm just trying to take the violence away from you people have been kicking us for years you think they're going to stop now this is gonna it's never going to help they had no options you were the only hairstyle that equaled violence

Now they have a whole... It's not a style, it's a color. They're discriminating against me just because of my color. Let me... Like you. No one is discriminated against you because you're mauve. Salt and pepperous. I'm talking about your skin.

You're mauve. Well, that's because of my winkle wrener wrinkler. I think it's because of your great-grandfather. Well, he used to... Harold Move. Harold and Move. Herald and Maud. Herald and Mav.

His name was Heraldine, right? Your grandfather? Harold and Move, yeah. Mr. Harold and Move. Yeah. You owned a moving company. Who was your favorite TV show as a kid? Oh, God.

I think it was Rod Stewart's House of Spread Eagle. Love. Love. Remember he'd have guests on and they'd spread their legs open. But when they'd open their legs, they'd go, I thought that was a good bit. It was so fun. You know what I'd love to do?

I'd love to go on Shark Tank and pitch them. I have a pitch for Shark Tank. Let's hear it, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun do-d-d-d-d-d-d-dun. So you did know what it was. I'm Andrew Santino. Okay. I'm here today seeking investment 2% for $100 million in my company.

Okay. Sharks, do you like television? I bet you do. You're on a TV show now. I'm pitching to you a show where people come pitch ideas and you get a piece of that from a simple investment. Hmm. You know what? I've thought about it for a few minutes here.

And, uh, sir, get on a bus and fuck off hard. So next question is... Was that Mr. Wonderful? No, that was just me. Damon John? No. Was that Lori? No, that was just me.

Is Mark Cuban? No, I was improvising to your... Because I didn't like your invention at all. So I don't bullshit around. I just said, fuck off instantly. Can I ask you... What children's hospital did you steal this from? The Kellyn Keller's Foot Correction Center.

Are they still... How's it been going over there? It's good, but it's hard to get in because everyone keeps walking into the wall outside. It happens. I'm glad that it still exists. Yeah. What did you were going to say? I'll cut you off.

I'm so sorry. No, that's okay. I read somewhere, and I hate pulling this because it, but were you in a fucking coma guy? Talk to me. I was in a coma guy for I don't know he was out for I don't know he had been out for a long time but I was in a coma guy we probably saw each other for a month or two how long were you in him how long was I in coma guy yeah an hour and a half two hours and he was out the whole time cold like this and sometimes he closed his mouth but we opened it

wow shout out to coma I don't know where you are now. Well, he wouldn't hear it. Yeah. He's in a coma, bro. He's not going to hear you give him a shout-out. Coma guy can hear. They just can't respond.

Why don't you give Helen Keller a shout-out while you're at it? Well, he's at the Helen Keller Hospital. He's at the foot correction. Yeah, but she can't hear it either. You know Helen Keller's deaf, right? She was blind. In her ears. No shit.

Yeah, couldn't hear her. Couldn't see it, listen to it. She couldn't hear a thing she saw. She couldn't hear a sight. Huh. And coma guy, bro. He can't hear. He's in a coma.

He'll be back out there playing concerts like nothing ever happened in a couple months or so. I'm hoping. Let me, can I educate you for a second? You could go to the Helen Keller Foot Center Hospital, go into coma guy's room, strip his clothes off. Well, yeah. Drizzle Newman's own ranch dressing and write your name. on his back.

You could put a crucifix on his ass with Hershey's ice cream sauce. If you knew a coma guy, you would know he's a hidden valley guy. The fact that you Newman zoned him is disgusting. He's been a hidden valley guy since we were young. Not changing just because he's in a coma. He's not going all fancy because he's in a coma. He's the same guy he's always been. Attention or not.

I miss you, coma guy. Why don't you go visit him? He won't know. You better watch him. your tone you better watch your tone you son of a bitch okay because i'll tell you something let me change it you think he won't know that a better tone yeah thank thanks for the advice thank you is this room leaking it sounded like the room is leaking it sounded like the room no i just did i did a slurp to break the tension oh felt like there's a little tension between us

I have some written down if you want one. I want one. Did your dad hit you with a tire iron? Did my dad hit me with a tyrant ironin? Be honest. Looks like he did. He hit me with an iron iron, with a closed iron. Oh, that's why you're so flat.

Your tits are like, you got really flat tits. What did your dad hit you with? A lawsuit. Yeah, and what did you learn? He smells. And that you can't suck his toes at night. I told you that.

I can now. Are you telling me, post-lawsuit, you kept his leg? He got his foot amputated at the Ellen Keller Foot Center, and I kept it. You're nuts, dude. You're going to land yourself back in parole. What's he going to do? Catch me? I've got his fucking leg, loser.

What about his other leg? Yeah. That's Cal and Keller. She is his other leg. She's a real punt. By the way, your dad's arches are amazing. Was he a dancer? Do you want to snit?

Do you want to smell my dad's foot? No, thanks. Oh, dude, you'd be in heaven. No, you know what? Once I get back, I don't want, I quit years ago and I'll be addicted to it. Dude, just that you will. I don't want it. I know you don't, but breathe that in.

And an uppercot. You just got fucking uppercut. You just foot me, dude? Yeah. Don't foot around with me, pal. Are you ready for words from a wooden shoe? Yeah. You know how it works, right?

Yeah, dude, I played the game before. It's like, what do you think I grew up? Hang on. Words from a wooden shoe. Have you ever been to Dutch? I've gone Dutch, yeah. This is an authentic Dutch clog from Dutcherland, which continent?

Camania. Right. Inside we have words. Yeah. Okay? Yeah, and I have to say them. No, you reach in and pull one and see if it inspires a memory or a story from your life. And you share it with our crowd.

Reach in there. Words from a wooden shoe. Andrew Santino gang, soon to be fluent in Cajun. What do you got? Zoo. Oh, no. sorry. Oz.

Or is it ooze? Ouse. Okay. Did you ever have pimples? Oh, yeah. But this is your time. I don't want to suggest. What's your ooze story?

My ooze story is, um, this is embarrassing. There we go. Like the rest of it wasn't. Hey, hey. What? I was just musing under my breath. Don't moose on my ooze, bud. I'd like to moose under your breasts, flatty.

when I was seven. God. Forever seven. Sorry. Sorry. This is your time. Yeah. It's like you're interrupting my ooze.

So sorry. So sorry. You were seven? When I was seven, I always dreamed about going on Nickelodeon because I loved the ooze or the Gack, as it were. Oh, that green stuff? Now it's Gak, but it's Gak. And they renamed it Gak because, you know,

ooze, they own the rights to the name U's. Okay. I don't even know if we can say it. You could say it. Anything goes on this. And I was seven years old begging for some ooze. And instead I got a lot of Oz because my parents left me at Nickelodeon Studios, hoping I would get swallowed up by the ewes. But I lived, didn't I?

Didn't I, Bruce and Denise? Didn't I live? Who's Bruce and Denise? My parents, my ex-parents. who left me with ooze all over my body from Nickelodeon Studios, thinking I would drown in ooze. Well, I didn't. Can I turn the table on that?

Because I didn't. I'm a survivor. You're not going to let something like this hold me down forever, Denise. Not him, Denise and David. Is it David? Dad? Michael. I don't know.

He's dead to me. well have my dad's leg leave it there i'll take it home with me well i just if your dad leave it there i'll take it home with me okay but my dad your dad's dad and i feel like you know you should have part of my dead dad calluses by the way he should get that taken care of it helen keller's spot well that's why he was in um do you pull a word out of the shoe no it's just you but I want to turn it around. Do you have a zoo story?

Oh, do I? Is there any point in your life? I stole a hippopotamus when I was 19 years old. I ended up doing three years in county because of it. It was the coolest thing and also the dumbest thing I've ever done. Wow, a hippo jacking. Higel be, yeah, Higel be the hippopotamus. It was a hippo hijinks.

It was a dare. It was a bet. I had to come through with it. Was this with the gang or did you do it on your own? Back then we weren't really gang. We were a crew. Well, we were a clique. We probably were still a click.

We hadn't gotten upgraded to crew. But some of these guys were bad boys. I mean, you probably know some of these guys, seriously. Who, Donnie Timbleblunt? Darren the delinquent. Carly Tink is there. She was there. Post-accident, by the way.

Black Gums, Donnie? Black Gums, Donnie was there. Wow. Yeah, the whole crew. Clog nose. Clog nose was there. Clog nose. Yeah.

You remember these guys. It's just boys from the neighborhood. So hippo-hygings ensued. I stole a hippopotamus, and I sold it on the black market, which turned out to be, you know, extremely profitable in Bitcoin. I had I known, I would have kept that thing to the moon. But instead, I made $100,000, $200,000. I think I made a couple hundred grand on the hippo.

And the zoo sued me for something astronomical. Uncle. It was like 20, 30K or something. So they knew it was you. They did. Yeah, well, I wrote my name all over the place, Andrew Santino's crew. Oh, you tagged it? Well, ASC, it was everywhere. I tagged that almost everywhere I used to go. I actually went to ASU. Yeah, that's where it all started. It's actually ASC. I am, I don't know how to, I have poor penmanship skills. And it's ASC, but I drew the C facing upwards, onwards and upwards. So that was Andrew Santino.

An alliteration, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Bro. Yeah, bro. Unreal. Yeah, it actually, it's almost as if it's not at all real. You don't go out any stronger on the Harlan Highway than that kind of story.

A guy who... No, no, no, just a truck on by. No. Oh, wait, can the truck be at night? what was that i'm doing cocaine i'm doing another bomb this hold on i want to do another bomb fuck you i see what's going on your skin tightened up your fucking skin tightened up guy

we're going to take care of that right now just before we go Here we go. Let's get that cheek loosened up. Just under the eye. Just under the eye. Hold still. Come forward just a bit. Right under the eye.

Get it out of here. Well, you looked a little tight. I've been mesmerized my whole life by Wieners. Don't do that to me now. I'm clean. I'm clean now. I'm sober. Alleluia,

Alleluia. Ladies and gentlemen, come on. I love you so much. Andrew Santino. Buddy, before we go, Andrew Santino. Tell them about your beautiful podcast. You have two.

Tell them where they can see this guy do stand-up comedy. Tell them about your movies, your TV, all of it. This guy's a dynamite. I'm just doing stand-up right now. Me and Bobby Lear on tour. Go to badfriendspod.com.

Bad friendspod.com. Come see us on tour. Yeah. Bad friends podcast. And Harlan's been on my show. Yeah, the whiskey ginger. Great. We have so much fun every time.

Yeah. And that's all I want to say. Badfrenspod.com or injuresantino. It's going to get you the same place. Buy some tickets. Come see us on the road. Are you guys doing like giant theaters or like, because that's a, that's a power show. We're doing 42-seat coffee houses mostly.

Oh, wow. And we're just doing 118 shows per city. Yeah. You say that? We're doing 42-seaters, coffee houses. We're doing about 180 shows, 118, 119 shows per city. You're really going to need some wiener wrinkles. Tell me about it.

I'll send you a free kit, guy. Ladies and gentlemen, that's it for today on the Harland Highway. Thanks for being here. Until next time, chicken chowmaine. And I'm really going to send you a free kit. Work on that. Yeah. Don't Photoshop a dick in my mouth.

Too late.