The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #66 - BRYAN CALLEN, Comedian, Actor, Writer. Bryan's 2nd visit is full of MOON LANDING challenges, Walruses, and mind reading!

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

Bryan talks about conspiracies, fat dad's, reading minds! Sponsor: Birddogs.com/HARLAND or enter promo code HARLAND for a free Yeti style tumbler with your order Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So you thought you were frail in all seriousness. I swear to God. But you're like a fighter. You're like, I'm a bitch. I wasn't going to say it. Oh my God, you agree. Well, holy shit, dude. You lead me into some elaborate traps.

That's where, that's how I party, Biotch. You just called me a bitch again. I think I said, Beahaw. Yeah, but you know what that means. That means like bitch pie. That's right. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Hold tight on the Haarland Highway Show.

Harland Williams. It's not fancy. It's like he says hypnotist, but he'll just have you close your eyes on my podcast. He goes, so what is the overriding, like, what is your overriding emotion?

Like, is it guilt? Is it anger? Is it shame? I go, I think it's shame. I was always ashamed of my frailty because my dad was really big.

How big was he? Like fat? No, no, he was a Samoan big, just big. So fat. Blubbery or? No, no, just big, like a horse. Like a walrus, maybe.

No, man, like a horse. I said a horse, okay? He said like a horse with human feet. Well, my concept of big is flubber and yours might be, you know, Clydesdale, but I'm pitching your dad charging through kelp with his buck teeth out trying to eat scallops. I don't understand why you would ever make that connection. My father is not a walrus. Well, you said he's big, guy.

I did say he's big. When do I get to formulate my own thoughts? Well, you can't think of a mischarging through kelp. sure he probably did when he was a Marine in the Marine Division. Oh, he was a Marine? Yes. He was in the CIA, apparently. Who knows where he did?

Either way, you're from Canada, so you don't even have an army. Oh, shit. That's why he's so nice. That makes sense now. We have canoes. You do have canoes. Then they got Rangers, too, right? Rangers.

And Rangers, and you have Mounties. Picture, like, a terrorist attack, like 30, like six. Yeah. Like guys and canoes coming on. around the band, ISIS, bows and arrows, allah, allah, you know, whatever they are. Yeah, that's, well, they don't do that, but yeah, I know what is it, the, the Al-Qaeda. No, it's the Al-Qaeda. Well, in Canada, it's a French inflection. El-Qaeda. El-Qaeda, yeah. So your dad was a, so you were an army brat. I was. So the last three times I talked to him,

he kept, he brought up this thing over and over and over, and then we went into it. It was a fascinating thing that you don't, you've completely forgot about. He goes, he goes, so what kind of trauma? I go, I didn't have trauma. I had a good family and I moved around a lot. Yeah. And then we're doing this thing and I go, well, you know, I remember when I was in the war and we were stuck in the war in Lebanon for six months and I used to always hide when

we'd go by the cheap with the anti-aircraft guns because I thought they were going to arrest me. And he goes, hey, dude, you were in a war. Okay, listen, when I'm opening up. You can't open up like that. You understand? What do you mean? I was listening to your story. I was opening my heart metaphorically, and then you open your shirt literally.

Well, it's hot in here, guy. It's a professional studio. It's called upstaging my story, which is super rude on your own podcast. Sounds like you're trying to control me. Like a CIA Army brat. I'm not a, that's, you cannot put me in a box that way. I will, if I get invited to your funeral, I'll put you in a box. Have you had experience being in boxes and going through torture?

What was the training? Oh, yeah. Tell us about this fake army stuff. A lot of that stuff is classified. I'll tell you what, though, you guys can do me a favor. You can keep waking up free every morning and I'll keep doing what I do. How's that sound? I like the sound of free.

Wait, do you guys wake up free? Are you free right now? I sure am. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome, right? That is truly one of the best bodies I've seen in comedy. It's unbelievable.

I had no idea you had a barrel chest. Just trying to be free, guy. Yeah. You're one of those guys with a resting strength. Your dad's a flubber. Well, if you ever fight a smaller man, you should grab him by the shirt and pull him against your chest over and over again until he passes out. Why would I do that?

Like power slam him? Yeah, like wham, wham, wham against your chest. Into my chest. Yeah. No one's going to survive that. You ever see a pug? Yeah. Like, if I get your dad or you and I just power slam you into my chest,

your eyes are going to go crooked. My dad beat the shit out of you, bro. You're his dad's big. I haven't seen him in person, but you can, we can hollow my dad's head out and live in it. That's how big is head. Two of my fingers are one of his fingers from what I've seen. He's a big boy. I'd like to see him get me.

I'm standing on the shore. How's the walrus going to get up on the land? Hey, man, he's not a walrus. You said he was flubbery. I never said that. You used that one. You said he was a big guy. I see it with giant teeth charging through kelp.

Scallops. He eats scalloped. He does like scallops. I'll admit that. This podcast never goes anywhere. Guy, I want to talk to because, first of all, Bri, you have, what, three, four podcasts? How many? I got too many.

I got to narrow him down. But here's the thing, Dom. One of the things I've learned by watching him and others pros in the field, it's all about listening. It's one thing to talk, but listening is what really gets a pod going. And so to test your listening skills, and I wouldn't do this with anyone else. Let's do a listening exercise. And he's the only guy that's going to be able to do this.

You won't be able to. People listening one. You pull up to Wendy's. I'm the drive-thru guy and watch Dom. This guy, his power of hearing, go ahead. You're pulling up to Wendy's drive- through and you're the drive through but you're the drive through guy you're working at wendy's yeah okay which i would never do in real life obviously hey i'd like a double cheeseburger please

i'd like a double cheeseburger i like a double cheeseburger did you get that Okay, I got to shift gears. Curly or regular? Okay. You want cookies? Oh. See, no one else could have picked up on that. Yeah.

Yeah. You're powers of hearing. I speak the language. What? Oh, no. So I want to get into it because you, One of the things I love about him, Dom, is you are one of those guys that seems to have a,

like a general knowledge about so many things. And I won't dare ask these questions, Dom, to anyone else. But let's talk about the moon landing. Because I'll tell you, friend, my whole life, I watched the moon landing when I was eight years old on black and white TV. My whole life I've never questioned it. And now lately, with all this stuff on, I'm not a conspiracy guy, but on TikTok and Instagram, for the first time in my life,

there's been a little glitch where I went, hmm, and do you remember in that movie The Truman Show where he lived in that fake, and one day a light fell out of the sky on his front, on his road, and he went, for the first time of my life, I want to believe the moon landing happened, but for the first time of my life, there's a little glitch, and I thought, you know, a guy like you, you think about this stuff, what do you think? Well, you'd have to then say that I guess NASA has a division full of scientists that were willing to spend all that time and congressional money on a fake operation so that we could show the Soviets we were more technologically advanced than we actually were.

Right. Okay. So that means that the 1,000 people, yeah probably more even involved in one way or another in getting that craft onto the moon yeah along with the the astronauts somehow all of them have been able to keep a secret this whole time right and the ones that weren't willing to i suppose the government killed great but that's where i i'm the same way i'd like how could they all keep a secret yeah how do you keep a secret because the one thing we know is Washington can't keep any secret

If you have any doubts, listen to the Lyndon Johnson tapes where he said, I'm going to put a one-eyed farmer in charge of my military. I'm telling you right now, I'm going to fire my secretary of defense and I will replace him with a one-eyed farmer because I can't keep a goddamn secret. Nobody can keep a secret in my administration. Right. And you hear him on the phone with the editor-in-chief of the Chicago Sun, et cetera,

begging them not to run a story until the operation is completed. because it'll blow the whole thing. Wait, the lunar landing? I'm talking about any administration trying to keep a secret in Hollywood, in Washington. Yeah. People don't like, yes, yes. Yeah, please.

So do you think that the new hire, the new employees or the cashiers at McDonald's know what's going on at the highest levels? I mean, when they're game planning and they're saying, they don't know what's happening. But with something like the moon landing, which required, well, let's just go through faking it. Let's just talk about faking it. It would require, I mean, a set, cameras,

then you'd have to have all those scientists in NASA who were tasked with real things. You see them clapping. You see them in the command center. You know, I would then ask this, so do you know what NASA does? Do you know one of the things that we rely on NASA for the National Weather Service.

Do you know what the National Weather Service does? Yeah. What? They, like, do the Doppler weather and incoming. They are the ones who give our farmers all that information with their weather balloons for free. So farmers have to know how much precipitation is in the soil. They have to know when it's going to rain, when it's going to hail. They rely on all these things.

All of that is done by quiet bureaucrats who have, who are scientists. with their weather balloons. How in the world does our shipping industry, which might be a kind of big, everybody, might be a little big if you get anything from China, whatever, wherever it might come from. Or I'm sorry, oil, all the things that are shipped. You've got to know currents, the Coast Guard,

you've got to know where these, our entire maritime system relies on the weather balloons, tide balloons, and all those things. So there is an infrastructure that is so vast that all of us, depend on on a minute-by-minute basis for everything that is in my hand right now. None of this all shipped here. The cobalt, the magnesium, everything that's whatever the fuck it is that's in this phone,

this, everything, the dye that goes into this, it's all reliant on the grid that seems to operate without a hitch. How does that tie into the moon landing? Right, you're straying a bit, guys. The scientists, the same organization that was responsible for putting that thing on moon and you know that came up with things like i don't know velcro etc was was the people that all the other stuff that we're we depend on velcro came from a guy in scotland walking his dog scotland it was a scottish guy walking his dog and the dog got burs scottish burs thistles in his

fur okay yeah and he he put them under a microscope and see that they interlocked like this and that's where Belko came from. Really? That's exactly right. Yeah. Well, wait, let me give you the biggest. Let me give you my biggest thing, guys. Well, I think you cut your friend off.

But before you do it. So why is it that everybody who says the moon landing was fake isn't a scientist? Why is it that everybody who says the moon landing is fake isn't someone who's in geophysics at NASA? We have a lot of scientists in universities, in government organizations. Okay, a lot of scientists that make satellites work so that we can use our phones. Why isn't that any of them have come out? Okay, you're getting in too deep. What I'm expressing to you is I'm with you.

Everything you said, I've been part of the program. I've been in lockstep with NASA and everything they told us. But now the internet came along. But now the internet came along and now this thing called TikTok and Instagram came along. And I don't subscribe to theories like this, but for the, first time, if I'm at 100% believing everything happened on the moon, for the first time in my life, there's a little glitch, a little matrix. All of us are that way because of things like COVID, because we have been lied to. What was the light falling from the sky, like the Truman Show moment

for you? Was there multiple? Was it one? Was it like the Challenger thing? No, it's a collection of things I've been seeing. And I hate to be this guy that absorbs all the TikTok stuff. But when you see enough of a when you look at pictures of the ship and how how it was sort of it almost looks like it's put together with cardboard you see the ship taking off from the moon well who was filming you and these are all those all these like conspiracy theories and then and so for the first time i kind of and then you see president nixon talking live to them on the moon and you're like how is that i can't even get service in the hills what's going yeah so so for the first time i've And I don't want to challenge it because that was a very emotional, beautiful moment for me as a little boy to watch that moment.

I was about seven years old and we have a cottage up in the north of Ontario and we never had any electronics. We had no TV, no phone, nothing. We would go up there all summer and it was just us fishing the lake, me and my four sisters. And the only time my dad ever brought a TV up there, he brought a little black and white TV and we watched them land on the moon. So I have a very strong attachment to it, but that's what I'm saying. For the first time of my life, there's a little like,

and I don't like it, to be honest, because I don't want to be that guy. But that's what I thought I'd ask you, because you look deep into this kind of stuff. I don't look that into, I don't look that deep into conspiracies, but I do a show where people do. And every time I talk to them,

though, whenever you ask questions, so whenever you look at things, you'll have them go, I'm just asking questions. If you start, I would say this to you about, that. There are scientists in NASA. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. That can tell you, that can answer all those questions. Well, let's take satellites. You brought up satellites, okay? Yeah. So when I was a little boy, I grew, I was in 62. So this was the beginning of the space race.

So how many satellites do you think were out orbiting the Earth in 62? I don't know. Maybe three, four. A handful, man. So we lived, we had this place up in Northern Ontario every night. We'd go lay on our backs and look up at the plethora of the galaxies, the Milky Way. And every night, about every probably six minutes, we'd see. what my dad called a satellite.

It looked like a star whizzing across. And I just took it at that. I went, oh, they're satellites. But then you go online now, and most satellites are no more than 20 to 70 feet wide. So why is it on a starry dark night? I can barely see a jumbo jet going across at flight elevation, but I can see a satellite the size of a school bus whipping.

Like supposedly you could see the eye. How the hell are we? seeing that. Well, first of all, that's the reflection of the sun or a reflection of stars. That's what they say. That's why. But also, if we're going to start talking about how the properties of light behave under certain conditions, I don't think that's anything any of us are qualified for. Well, what about this? And I would say this also. Remember that you are also living in a time when there are so many lights around you at night. One of the reasons birds have real problems with migration and sleep is because of that so you don't see the stars anymore when

i was in wadi room you do and you're in a place with no ambient city lights trust me because i in jordan when you go to wadi room which is this incredible place where they shot the martian you'll see stars that'll blow your mind yeah now was i there at night i was not but i heard about it the point is that when you're outside of a city you see stars and you go oh fuck i forgot what the start what the what the night sky looks like so why was it when i was it when i was a kid in the 60s I saw the same amount of satellites whizzing by that I'll see on any given night now back then there should be thousands right and how do I see something the size of you know the size of a Volkswagen it does that far out it's something that question doesn't matter

because there are satellites out there are satellites but something I got to share with you yeah here we go here we go bry this lift driver came and picked me up from the strip and we're driving home and I just start chit-chat with them. And I said, oh, so what do you do outside of this? He goes, I'm a meteorologist. Oh, vegetarians hate meteorologist, by the way. I go, don't you find it funny that you've never seen, you've never seen a meteor in your life? And he, I'm looking at him in the rearview mirror and he's just like what you're saying,

the program, he's like, that is funny. You're right. I'm like, you see shooting stars off in the distance, but if there were, meteors would be hitting homes they'd be hitting even the field and we'd all be going out they do sometimes they do sometimes so in Russia it did in about uh I look like a missile I know what you're talking about well but but we have a lot of examples of meteors but they're all really old sometimes they find little ones yeah when it comes to the earth's atmosphere it burns up that's why spaceships when they actually do the same thing so uh what when when so but sometimes it doesn't burn all the

way and if you talk to paleontologists and geologists they'll talk about meteors, and when meteors hit what they did. Sorry, if I hate to interrupt, for our audience, because I know what it is, but if you could just tell them what a paleontologist is, I know what it is, but them watching probably don't. A paleontologist, I believe, is somebody who studies the dinosaurs. Okay. You know, I think right about that.

Just tell them, not me. Paleontologist, and I think studies different. eras when like geologists study different eras so they'll look at like sort of like the different kinds of layers of rock and what that's strata yeah look at the strata vacation got it and that's for them not for me what is that thing where they looked at how most of the most of the dinosaurs are found below the the the surface of the rock that you know kind of solidified when when when when the when i guess a meteor they think hit and a lot of the earth's the surface of the earth became lava oh the meteor that hit in the gulf of mexico what's that call yeah and that's the one that they claim

led to let's look up paleontologists well you just i think you just told us what it was but now i knew and i knew but they don't people watching don't hey everybody are you tired of sacrificing comfort for style when it comes to your active wear well we've got a solution that's going to revolution your wardrobe. Let me introduce you to bird dogs, the ultimate shorts for the modern adventurer. Picture this. You're out on a hike, hitting the gym, or just lounging around. With bird dogs, you'll never have to compromise on comfort or functionality again. These shorts are designed to adapt your active lifestyle while keeping you looking sharp. Bird dog stretch khaki shorts are designed to fit slimmer through the thigh and leg, giving you a truly sculpted look. Bird dog shorts do

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We promise you And now back to the show So what were some of the other glitch moments That you had, or other particular... I almost hate to talk about the book The study studies the history of life on earth Through the fossil record, so there it is Yeah

So that would be dinosaurs, somebody studies, you know, all that fossils Yeah Are the evidence of past life on the, yeah, so, okay. So more just fossils. Let's not just say dinosaurs, but that era. Gloating a little now. Sorry, buddy. But it was just, you know, and I hate to be the, oh, the reflection in the guy's thing,

and then he's bouncing and he falls down, and then it looks like a cable pulled him up. There's all these things, but the problem is you don't know what's real anymore. You don't know if someone fabricated it or they altered the video, but I guess where it's weird for me, I've always just played by. the rulebook that they went to the moon. And I just find it odd that for the first time in my life, I'm having a little bit of doubt, which I don't know if I like or it's a good thing.

Let me give you a very recent example. I listen to RFK Jr. on Rogan. Oh, wow. And he talks about, he, he, he, Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs. At harbleng.com, you can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud.

I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got... T-shirts, you name it, it's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. I'm not saying that his intentions are not pure. You know, that's rude, right? You're not supposed to sit like that, and you're a passionate man.

He's trying to tell you to hurry up. You get me worked up, guys. See what happens? You're sitting there talking about KFC and I get thirsty. You know what I do? I wear a condom. Are you cereal? Come on.

When's the last time you wear a condom? Be honest. 1988. There are two things I'm allergic to. Battlesnakes and Coddons. What size? Are you a magnum guy? I am a magnum guy.

I'm a magnum PI guy. And when I say that, I trimmed a mustache, like a Tom Selleck mustache right above my little friend. Yep. And when you go, when you, when you, when you have sex, go, did you just order Broom service? Magnum. Brooms, brooms.

Sorry. Hello. Yeah? A million dollars? Call me when you're serious. Jesus. Did you just make a Hollywood deal, bro? It's just how I started a deal.

It's what happens, Danny. Yeah, it's how I started a deal. So let's talk about Dom, because I want to hear about this, the, the trends. It works. Yeah, the hypnotist stuff. It's so annoying because it works. works and he did it and I went he was like why do you feel the shame and we went through this thing and I was like wait my mom like I didn't want to lose my connection to my mother who I had this crazy

breakthrough when I know it sounds weird just now oh with Dom yes my buddy's been telling me over and over you got to do it but it's it's not cheap and I was like and he's like you got to do it so what was the issue with your mother what was going on with you and your mother that he had to heal when you do this like weird subconscious stuff you'll get these images and you'll get these answers which are really interesting and he's like so what do you think the answer is and it's like wait a minute oh fuck you know and it was clear as day what's the question though you have to listen the podcast i don't want to rehash it's boring i can explain without making it boring so essentially thank you the last three conversations we had he was mentioning the shame for being you said frail right

yeah frail my dad was big it's like a walrus yeah like he's a wall my dad was like a CIA walrus Like a fat blubbery kelp eating more. He does eat kelp, but he's not a wolf, dude. Take what you're giving me, guy. Okay. All right, keep going. Well, so he mentioned the shame for being frail. And for me, you know, that's like the alarm bells are going off.

Like, oh, fuck, we got to do something about this. So we asked his subconscious mind, which is a very easy conversation to have. You close your eyes. You ask questions. The answers come to you and go with it. And we asked if it was okay for him to move past the, the shame for being frail and his mind said no I actually want to hold on to the shame for being frail because that's how I stay connected to my mom how weird is that dude isn't that wild I can't

believe I said that out loud but here's what that doesn't make any sense to me but it's true I've never perceived you as frail though I don't know but I do and you do the war the the war because my child was chaos and it was yeah I was so out of control it's got to be hard being a baby walrus well maybe walrus with a giant penis like that that assumes

that I shave my tusks down and that is as racist as you can get especially since I do shave my tusks down my teeth grow so fast and so annoying to the 90s so you thought you were frail in all seriousness

I swear to God but you're like a fighter you're like I'm a bitch I wasn't even say it oh my God you agree well holy shit dude you lead me into some elaborate traps That's how I party, Biocch.

You just called me a bitch again. I think I said, Beiarch. Yeah, but you know what that means. That means like bitch pie. That's right, in French. I had no idea that's fluent. Now, Dom, you should do it. You're not open to it, though.

Well, what's the process? See, now you're nervous. No, I'm not nervous. You just got nervous. No, I'm not. I'm not nervous. But what is the procedure? What are you trying to find out?

Yeah, so essentially what we do is we pick something that's a reoccurring pattern, right? And typically, it'll come out in our language as we're talking to people, right? Like, again, he had a couple of those conversations. You said reoccurring patterns. Yeah, I wonder what that is. What are you holding a baby walrus? I'm not, man.

I've never been held. I've never been. That's how he holds his neck. You're not allowed to call me a walrus anymore, dude. Well, your dad was a chubster. You don't know that he was, dude. You said he was huge. He's got some weight on him, yeah.

Yeah. But not always. Well, you see a grow, grown man with scallop grease dripping from his fangs. He doesn't eat that many. Walruses don't have fangs. Your fucking, your zoology is so off, dude. As a paleontologist, I can tell you that walruses, and I've studied the fossil record, they never had fangs. Well, maybe you should call Sarah paleontologist.

Hello? Two million dollars? We're getting closer. Call me when you're fucking serious. By the way, this cell phone has zero cobalt in it. Oh, God. So there's no slave laborer. Oh, God.

Okay, so keep going. Yeah, so we just essentially find out whatever that pattern is, and then we go into your subconscious mind and figure out. How quickly do you do this? It's fast. So is there anything that's coming off of me that you're feeling? No, we haven't had enough of a conversation to know, but what's the first thing that comes to your mind?

Space was fake. Space is fake. He's not going to see. He's afraid to open up. No, what do I need? Tell me what I need to open up about. So something emotional, something. It doesn't even have to be heavy,

trauma emotional. Oh, I know. Ask him why he's never been married. There you go. That could be one. Well, getting too real.

Wait, isn't this a comedy podcast? Here's the problem. I was married. Shit. Yeah. So that doesn't work. Nice try there.

Gomez. What's common for people is they believe I don't deserve love. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve success. I'm not good enough. You know, all these kinds of things.

I'm not saying that you do. I'm just saying that these are the most common. I've always. I've always felt the, I've always, like, swing for the fences. My whole life is like, I deserve it all. I'm going for it all. Yeah, good, no. I started real early.

I went, you only come through once. I'm going for all of it. So I don't know if I have those. You might not even, yeah, not everybody. Everyone has a hang up, but I just don't know what mine is. Maybe you can see. You're perceptive. Look at me and tell me what's wrong with me.

I think that you're one of the best comics, and I don't think it comes from being what you are. So, you know, sometimes you're misfitry, whatever that is in us is where the humor comes from. So I don't know that I would say anything to you. You can't be something guy. No, no. You never had kids. No. Interesting.

Oh, now we're getting to it. Kids. Now we're getting to it. I always wanted a kid, I think. Huh. Is this it? Yeah. You think you found it, you dirty paleontologists for.

See that? Well, he's a digger. He's a diger. Okay. I dig. So now what? I'll be honest. If we go deep into that.

it's going to bore the hell out of your listeners because it'll be a 30 minute to really go I only have three his was more on the surface because we talked multiple times and he was just talking about it so through our couple hours of conversation it was right there did you have a tumultuous like relationship with your mom or was it were you close um well well no I I'm close but it was always um my mom was very neurotic you know how nervous it could find death in anything You can find a way for you to die in any situation whatsoever. Oh, we can't go to the mall. I'm always afraid, always telling me to be careful.

And I am that way probably. I am probably so much more like my mother. Wow. And I've been trying to be like my father my whole life. But my default is my mother. Now, if you look at strength in only one way, you're fucking doing my dad again. I can see what you're doing.

You just said you want to be like your father. No. His test are bigger than that. His Cessor, I love. Sorry, I didn't need to interrupt. You're twisting me up right now. Sorry, guy. You're twisted up like a dirty umbilical cord rolling down the 405 on a Thursday night.

You'd be the worst therapy, therapist. Maybe not. Throw something at me. You'd be the worst therapist. You'd literally, I can't even open up to you. Let me help. Throw something. All right, fine.

What do you got? My childhood is chaotic and I need to come to terms with understanding that I have to be in one place and stay there. Okay. Okay. So what you need to do is find a, way to center every day. Yeah.

You have to meditate. Okay, so far so good. You have to look inward and be reflective and find out... Being a little general right now. It's making me a little mad, but keep going. Well, if you interrupt, maybe we should be focusing on you, not being able to be polite. He's a great therapist. What are you talking about?

Sorry. Well, I am perfect. Exactly. Keep going. But, you know, maybe a little self-reflection and stand at the edge of a lake and look down at your own reflection and cast a little stone and let the ripples and see that the ripples represent the different layers of the strata of your life and bend down and try to touch your face and when you bend down jason vorhees from friday the 13 jumps up and rips your throat open

and you're all done fuck dude more trauma and that was free that was free you know like that doesn't make me feel good right now about my throat how about this what you cho cho cho cho cho cho cho cho cho cho cho scary. Scariest movie of all time. Thanks. Go. What was yours? Oh.

The innocence. What was that one? It's an old British movie about a rich guy who has to leave. He has a giant mansion out in the British country in the English countryside. And he has a daughter and a son. And they're very proper. They went to boarding school and everything. So this British nanny has to go and take.

care of them and in the house is the devil and all this weird stuff there's one horrifying scene where the girl's singing down by the lake and she goes who are you singing to and she just looks over and her dead mother's just standing in the bulrushes like stare like it's imagery i love imagery like the mother says that to her no the the um the nanny says it who are you singing to a little girl and she just looks over and the mother's just standing there in the bull rushes like it's an imagery scary scares. Like the ring, did you see the movie? That was the one I was going to, that was my scary one. Do you want to hear

one of the scarier stories about my son when he was little? Oh, here we go. This is so scary. He goes, um, by the way, just before your dad's favorite movie, I'm just guessing the onion ring. Nope. My,

my son had all these stuffed animals on his bed. Oh, here we go. He's a little, little boy, little boy. Yeah. And he said, dad, I don't want any of those. I don't want any of those. I don't want stuff down almost on my bed anymore and I said why he goes well they bite me at night and I go I don't see any bite marks and he goes they don't bite me on the outside they bite me on the inside and I went that's scary so then I say that to my I tell my wife at the time and then she went in a couple of days later

and he was talking and she comes in and she goes hi and he goes there's my other mommy and he goes where's the mommy you were talking to and he goes in the closet

come on your boy did this and she comes in and goes you gotta go check the closet right fucking now we're getting rid of all those stuffed animals fuck I'd put Teddy Rucksman out on the lawn start up the John your lawnmower and turn that guy into coal sloth? It was kind of scary, dude. Is yourself possessed? Yes, he is. Speaking of possession, I've accidentally exercised somebody before and I actually

have to prove with it. What you? She said, you know, when I was younger, I used to play with the Ouija board and is that the other. God. So that was our first session. Well, our next session, she hops on and she goes, Dom, I'm a mess. I haven't been able to sleep for the past two weeks. I've been doing cocaine all night with my boyfriend. I've been drinking, and I'm seeing spirits in my room. Wow. Like, okay, let's release it, right? By the way, I did the Ouija board.

Well, you're looking for that. I did the Ouija board as a kid, and I had severe dyslexia. And by the time I got done, a whole bunch of ghosts came through the wall wearing hockey helmets. It was unbelievable. Okay, I don't know. Why were they wearing hockey helmets if they were ghosts? Well, because I couldn't spell them. I think they're sort of tardy.

You were dyslexic? Yeah. We'll show the camera as well. And not for the sake of the story or the joke, but for real, I was dyslexic. You believe in God, right? Yeah.

And the devil has to exist as well. There you go. I like that. I like that. I'm not saying, yeah, I'll tell you this. Okay. This is kind of weird.

When you talk about genetic memory and shit, which I'm always skeptical about, but now I just remembered something. You got me remembering a lot of shit. I know. So, so, like, I would, say he's fucking really good like when he talked about the spirit stuff it's different but like that's a that's a thing he has but when the guy has you doing it it's like it's it's real but when you're

under are you aware of what he's bringing out of you or is it afterwards you're not being hypnotized the way you think it's just that you like you are being asked you ask yourself questions that you never asked that's what i think is interesting my mom so check this out i wake up you said this recurring nightmare recurring nightmare night terrors you know what it was it's so fucking weird this was a nightmare I had a recurring nightmare me on a trapeze and and my mother was dressed like a witch chasing me on the trapeze screaming and I would swear and I couldn't stop swearing like Tourette's and the more I would swear the more she would get angry and chase me I'd be like fuck you and she'd be swinging and I was like no she was wearing a hat and I was like keep going

I'd have, oh, grab, and I go, kiss my ass. And I'd go flying, fuck, fuck, pussy. I'd scream things. And then I finally, I would miss, I would miss. Oh, God. And I'd go falling in the net. And as I was falling, she would, she would just let go. And her nails, she had nails this long.

And they would get into my body and she'd just go right there, and instead of tickling me, she'd be tickling me, but into the flesh. And I'd wake up like, like that, right? So I finally tell my mom. My mom's face goes white. my mom goes tell me this tell me this again i say you're dressed like a witch on a trapeze i'm swearing you i can't stop and it makes you more and more mad until you finally grab me in midair she goes i had the exact same nightmare and i was so careful never to tell you that wow i was so

careful never to tell you that story because i didn't want you to have the same nightmare that it made no sense and my mother is not superstitious she will always try to debunk things and she just couldn't believe it. So you get the feeling maybe you just sat a little too close to the stage to Cirque de Soleil?

That might be it because I used to be in Cirque de Soleil which is how I sent myself through college. No way. You launched yourself right through the window? In 2005. I believe it. Cirque de Soleil right through the college.

It's pronounced Cerque du Soleil. Do you know what? Cirque du Soleil means. Circus of the sun. Damn right, buddy. But you're French. Canadian. Cirque de Chile.

You got to take French, right? Where in Canada are you from? Cirque de Chile. That's how you, that's how you, the true French. Say it? How do you say it? Cirque du Soleil.

You got to take Cirque de Soleil. It's almost like you lose, you drop a few letters. When you got marbles in your mouth. Well, I was dyslexic. So I hope my retarded ghosts come to your room tonight. Can you not read? You still have that.

I cannot read. So you have to listen to books. Yeah. I read Braille books a lot. Yeah. And I was going really well until I was at this, I was at a pizza party recently. And these teenagers had all these zits, and I started touching their faces. And holy God, I think I read the first three chapters of Stephen King's The Shining on one of these zit.

I'm not laughing. This has been a productive podcast. I feel like we're really getting to the bottom of things. I think you're right. I really appreciated your angle on the lunar landing. You really illuminated me because I was, I'm starting to, I feel like I'm starting to slip a little bit.

Like, and then you came in with the, all about him. You're a bit of a conspiracy theorist, aren't you? Yeah, I mean, you know,

I used to be in the camp of spirits don't exist. God don't exist. I, you know, I just was. When I first met my fiancé, she would tell me, I used to see ghosts when I was a kid and this and that. And I'm like, shut the hell up. And then when stuff started happening to me, I was like, okay, she wasn't lying. And look, I don't drink.

I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. So it has nothing to do with any extracurricular things. It's, you know, it's just what it is. And like you said, when I had mentioned, the reason I believe in God I didn't tell you this is because I've had experiences like this and even other experiences where you dance with the devil a few times and then you realize, all right, if this is real, then this has to be real.

Yeah. Well, people don't realize there's no downside to believe it in God. There isn't, yeah. Right? If you believe in God, then... Well, some people would say so. Because what happens is they'll say you'll make decisions based on wishful thinking and instead of being cold, hard, and calculated about the reality of the situation.

So people are like, sometimes you have to realize that it doesn't all work out. just because you go to church doesn't mean. But then religious people would say, don't treat God like a genie. Don't treat God like a piggy bank or a vending machine either. You're not a good person because God's going to grant you favor. That's the sort of motto of the book of Job. The book of Job is like all his friends, like,

renounce God, you've been so good, and he's doing all the shit to you. And he was like, no, I'm not going to do that until Job realized that it was about being well. And not the Hebrew. There's no B on Joe. It's a Charlita or John. Look, I was dyslexic guy.

If you're taking a shot at me. Are you taking a shot at me? I always pronounce the H and John. Jha. You want to do some Ouija later or anything? No way. Let's do it. I'm not opening a portal to hell, dude.

Well, I'm not saying you need all that fanfare around God. I'm saying just to believe in a God, whatever may come with it in your mind. A fixed truth, right? A fixed truth. Whatever it is. It can just be the word God and what you perceive it to be. You don't have to have any religion or this or spiritual.

It can just be whatever you want it to be. That's what I'm saying. It's free. You know, there's no downside to right or wrong or you're wrong in this person. Yeah, I agree. Well, I get very nervous that people in power, I worry about how the people in power will behave when they truly believe nobody is watching them. Ooh.

If you look at the great horrors of history, yes, many have been killed in the name of God. My God versus your God. But listen, the 20th century was a time when people replaced the notion of a Christian God with a man-made God, i.e. ideologies like fascism and communism, et cetera. So I think the people, the rulers like Pol Pot and like Stalin, like Hitler, what they were willing to do because they believed nobody was watching. They believed they were God. They believe they could perfect humanity.

They believe they could perfect society and create utopia, i.e. heaven on earth. You better be very careful of people like that because they believe in purity. And if you believe in purity, then what that means is you want to get rid of the impurities. And a lot of times you replace impurities with those people over there. And that justifies killing, oh, I don't know, 80 million people to make the world a better place tomorrow. Beware, beware, beware. You could share the podcast with the others. Sorry, buddy.

Sorry about that. I just like to preach sometimes. Hold on. Hitler was obsessed with the occult. $80 million. What in the name of Sebastian Cabot? I just fucking did it. 20 short.

I did it. They were 20 short, but you know I'm feeling generous. Because I'm going to give the rest of charity. What happened? What I'd like to do now, and you can do it too, Dom. I didn't realize we're going to have two guests today, but this has been great. Yeah. We do this thing.

and Brian knows, because this is your second time here, Wild Tiger. Yeah, it's been wild. And my nickname in the fight circles was Wild Tiger. Was it really? Yeah. No way. Yeah, I shouldn't go about that. Wild Tiger.

You know, I fought on barges because it was international waters, as you know, and that we could fight to the death. Did you ever fight Barge Simpson? I didn't. But I study a martial art that's been illegal in pretty much every country in the world. What's it called? Dairy Queen? Huh?

Dairy Queen? I don't appreciate, you know, when I'm talking about it. about my, my death touch, it's, it's, there's nothing queenie about it. I don't know if throwing a peanut buster parfait at an opponent his death touch and sort of like a dairy, frozen dairy treat.

What was the last time he went to dairy queen? Last week. Anyway, what do you bring it up? Well, I'd like to finish, answer the question. I went last week, and I had a dilly bar, strawberry, that explains your skin. Speaking of braille.

Maybe your dad's a fat walrus. Hey, man. Well, well, I'll, you, You want to dish it out, Daddy, he'll dish it back. Now, this is called Words from a Wooden Shoe. Oh, cool. And it's an official Dutch clog. And inside, there's words.

And you reach in and we'll do bry, bry first, or wild tiger first. You see if the word elicits a memory or a story from your life, from your past. Yeah. You're in there, bud. What's your word? There was just a bunch of hornets in there, and I got the shit stung out of me. Come on, guy. I would never party on it.

Just a small eyelash viper. I don't know what that means, but. The type of viper. Well, maybe save it for your funny little bars. Come on, dude. Well, a bad pet. Oh, here we go. Here we glow.

A bad pet. Talk to me, Thunderbolt. True story? Yeah. I had a parrot in Jezebel. She was a Scarlet McCaw. What? She was actually a Calico McCaw.

Whoa. Bought her. And one thing about macaws is no one should have them because they're as intelligent as any pet, probably as smart as dolphins and chimpanzees. What? And I was not prepared. She also bonded to me and hated women.

And pretty much anybody else who fucked with her, yeah. That's okay. So she would sometimes just run it, a woman who came over. Run? And gave a couple of the women in my life real bites. bad bites. Like with the beak? Oh,

dude. They will bite your, they can rip your body apart. Wow. They are dinosaurs. How big's the beak? Big. Big, like this,

like a trailer hitch. And those things can bite you. I've seen hawk up close because I went hunting with hawks. Sure. I went and they grabbed squirrels. They can rip, they can rip shit up.

They can rip your whole body apart. This parent. An eagle could tear into your stomach so quickly and easily you wouldn't believe it. Pull your face off. That's, Nobody realizes what they can do. Their talons grab you and they can just go and pull it. An eagle.

It's a knife. It's a fucking knife. But what about the parrot? Same fucking thing. Parrots can take a table like this apart. They can break, they just go, they have a lever. They just go, and they can break the most expensive furniture off. Oh, you have no idea what the whole call can do.

They can, they can fucking, they can ruin all your furniture. Did it attack you? In an afternoon. Did it attack you? Never. She loved me. But man, It was a liability.

And then I got another macaw to keep her company called Monkey. Monkey was amazing. He was a blue and gold. And I loved those birds. The problem was I realized very quickly that these are birds that should be kept by a professional, not a jerk-off. And I had two dogs. My two dogs, Pitbull and Working Line German Shepherd, used to fight. They were females.

And they would get in fights sometimes that would last 20 minutes. And I would spend at least $4,000 at the vet And they both come back looking like a baseball Like Travis Bickle and a baseball They looked they had they were all scarred up They had to be shaved wearing cones fucking nightmare My pit bulls he said My pit bull and my German Shepherd

Looked at those two macaws That were in my kitchen like they were gods They were got they would I would put their food down And one day I just heard Like that And my dogs were trembling in the corner Because the parrots

had come down and decided they were going to eat first and they would have their fill of my dog's foods and I'd have a working-line German Shepherd and my pit bull piggy trembling in the fucking corner over these gods because I would feed them nuts and eggs and all kinds of stuff they're the most messy eater of all time so all that shit would fall on the ground

and my dogs would live on nuts, eggs, whatever the fuck I fed those parrots and they'll eat everything a human will. Wait, what's a working line German shepherd? Glad you have. So there's German Shepherds that the AKC bred for show, for their confirmation, meaning their body type. They're sloped-backed.

They got their hindquarters are lower than their front quarters. It's bullshit. I'm talking about a straight back dog. I'm talking about a dog from Czech lines, German lines where they are bred for one thing and one thing only. Either police sport, chuton, or patrol work. You're talking about an athlete. You're talking about a Nazi dog.

Bro, I'm talking about a dog dread for its prey drive and its fight drive. A dog that can discriminate between men and women that can discriminate that can avoid somebody hitting it with a baseball bat, pull back and come right in. And you're a stupid parrot could kick its ass. That's right. That's right. My dog's Stella. I named my daughter after that dog.

But I gave those birds away to a woman who used to come into that bird shop all the time. and she used to she couldn't afford birds so she would work in the shop for free and all she wanted was birds those birds were expensive I gave them both to her and she moved to Arizona

and lived happily ever after what happened to the birds I slew them I stuffed them and I ate them in front of a vegan I'm kidding I gave them to that woman and they're still alive

because they live about a hundred years don't get them a call don't get an African gray they're too smart excellent story long really long story but excellent i mean what all right no just really great and really probably one of the longest nazi dog and the sexist bird i go crazy i go crazy you're up dog don't look don't look here we go sexist birds dom words from a wooden shoe i'd like to have arms like dom

doms got big fucking arms do you move a lot of weight is a purple belt jihad i don't i don't i don't lift too heavy i lift light i my shoulders are shot my knee everything but you're a lot to handle on a mat yeah how do you do you you've held your own against black belts oh yeah i've tapped plenty of black belts since i was whitebell yeah yeah big boy yeah big uh bleeding so when i was here we go maybe five years old i was at my grandmother's house oh let me guess you had your first period hey you're interrupting her story sorry sorry i learned that from you well forgot they identified It's a woman when he does your podcast. That's true.

I was jumping back and forth. There was two beds that my aunts used to sleep on. I'm half Mexican, so my aunts are like five years older than me, right? We're basically cousins. I didn't know you're half Mexican. Yeah, a Mexican and I tell you. I told you my mom had me when she was 15. That should have been a clear freaking sign right there.

That's beautiful. So I'm jumping back and forth. And I have this thing that every time I'm doing something, I'm concentrating. I, like Michael Jordan, I always stick my damn tongue out. I still do Tuesday. So I'm jumping back and forth. And I'm jumping across the bed and boom, I land on my aunt's head like this. Damn, bro.

Just take a bite out of my tongue. I'm in shock. I go to the bathroom and my tongue is just hanging like this by the, just barely by the skin on the bottom and just bleeding. I just remember crying and then waking up in an ambulance. I blacked out, yeah. Oh, gosh. I used to have a lot of those weird being your tongue off.

Yeah, so your tongue back. My tongue is huge, too. Do you have a scar across it? You can kind of see it. It's like. And you can lick your own nose. Yeah. You work with a regular-sized dick, though, huh?

Round seven. That's a stretch. He measures from his asshole. You know what I'm saying, bro? Harlan, you're working with a fucking, what are you working with a four or five-inch nub, but you've got a great personality? Would you like to watch him lick his nose for just a full minute?

No, no, no, that's not my thing, but it's obviously something you can't take your eyes away from. Give it a shot. No, come on. It's a quick. That's good. It's good. yeah the lady my fiancee loves it she loves it since she's pregnant right now so you you were

when you were when you were working out and playing hockey you were a big kid you got got a big frame what did i weigh yeah i probably the most ever got was like 240 oh damn that's big from lifting weights and just being big or why you just do i go to the gym playing hockey yeah oh is that you can put it on you're defender no i was a forward oh wow love scoring goals You played a lot of hockey? My whole life. You still watch hockey? I don't watch it.

It takes too much time, but I played my whole life. And then I hung it up about six years ago. I went on the racquetball court for the very first time, and I've never played hockey since. I play racquetball like three, four times a week. Racquet balls, if you live near me, I play with you. Really? Well, I play a lot of tennis.

Oh, you should come and do it, buddy. Too far away, but I love it. That's what friends do. Yeah, I can take my chopper. You know, I make a lot of money now. You do? Yeah, a lot of money. I'm in the oil business.

Sounds greasy. Well, I'm going to hit the theme music because we didn't hit it yet. Oh. I want to welcome you guys. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast, and we don't have time to do a whole show, but we did have a nice little chat to sort of set it all up. Brian, God, I just swallowed a scallop.

Brian Scallum. buddy tell them your social media tell them what is this there doesn't matter that's not your business you come see me you look brian callan dot com i'm going to be at the in springfield missouri um the blue dot the 21st and the 22nd the blue dot yep have you done it was just there yeah good room 21st 22nd uh and then i'll be in um ontario at the ontario improv the 29th 28th and 29 Beautiful. And then I'm going to be in Cap Cities in Austin. Cap Cities, Austin.

Come on, guys. I'll be there August 3rd, 4th, and 5th, and this is all natural. What is it, those little bumps? Come on, bro. Be cool. I'm not 240. I told you I was ashamed of my frailty. Yeah, that's true.

But I figured out that it's all about not losing connection with my mom. I love that. That's a good way to hand. It's kind of been a big day for me. And how can they reach you, Dom? Yeah. Tell us about where they can learn more. The Hipitus on everything.

So you go to Instagram, Dom. Dot the, dot Heptitist, YouTube, all the platforms. Good luck in an appointment. Good luck getting in. Really? Yeah, Brian's actually speaking at my event August 19th. That's right. August 19th, I'm doing a stand-up at his event.

What? And I'm doing a Q&A, so he and I are doing that. So get your tickets. Where do they get tickets? They just go to my Instagram. They can go to apply Domthehypitas.com slash event. They can also message me on. Only come if you like laughing.

for an hour straight. I'm doing all of Harlem Williams' material. Yeah, you should get into the audience's head and make them think he's the funniest guy that ever walk. He doesn't need to do that. You already are. You already are. Of course.

Of course. Sorry. All right. I got to get back to the sea. I mean, to my dad. Your dad. Yeah. Guys,

thank you for being here. What an honor. What a pleasure. What a treat. Brigh, Brigh. Love you. What? Nothing.

That's how weird at the end. It's at the theme music again. Thanks, everybody. Until next time, chicken chowmaine. This is the Harlan Highway podcast. Okay.