The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #68 - JADE CATTA-PRETA, Comedian, Actor

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

It's Jade's 2nd visit to the show and we talk pooing in the ocean, AI, The Hollywood strikes, and British girls! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Can you cross her eyes? Can I? I think so. Is it doing it? Yes, it's just slightly off. It's good. It's like you've been doing comedy a little too long in the road. Good, love, make me a bloody egg known.

Come in here and snuggle with me, would you love? You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. are you ready to start do you think yeah i love your creepy dolls i forgot oh yeah oh look at your mug you got a cute little mug matches my dress oh so christmassy in the middle of summer what about your sunglasses do you want them on or off what do you want off i'd like to see them on just as like we'll start the show with a fashion reveal and then oh wow oh dude i'm sorry i'm taking a call you're taking a pose is what you're doing okay i'm ready that's sort you're sort of got the jacky o vibe

i love that house of yes is like my favorite play it is i thought i didn't know the yes did a play house of yes you remember that play no it's a band yes is a band house of yes did they have a play mm-hmm hmm then led zeppelin should have a play if yes is going to have a play let's one should have a play. ACDC should have a play. I mean, it would be hair. It would hair, yeah. What would ACDCs play be?

It's house of rock. Yeah. I would already kind of exist. What band would do cats? The pussy cat dolls? The Eagles. The Eagles? Yeah.

The Eagles would do. Yeah. Okay. Well, welcome. Let's hit the theme music, shall we? Let's. Ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen. Jackie O. Jade is here.

Welcome to the Holland Highway. Now, that's right. Jade Cap, Capri, Capri. Capra. Cut the music. Cut the music. Catapreta. Let's do it again.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Harlan Highway. It's Jade Capa. Cut the fucking music. Catapretta. It's like Caterpillar. It's like Caterpillar, or like Caterpeta. It's actually a region in Brazil where they found black gold. Let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's right. Welcome to the Holland Highway podcast with Jade Caterpillar. Now, here we go, baby. Yeah, we did. You look, you look stunning. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. I just love the outfit.

Like, I'm not, I'm not fashion guy, but I know, oh, you're okay? I'm really stuck in my. Oh, my God. You're not fashion guy either. You're hammered. But I don't know anything about fashion. I'm a dude. And then you show up with the,

what are those called mini straps, like over your shoulders? Is that what it's called? Yeah. Is that right? No. See, I don't, I don't know. Mini straps is a good way, though.

I got my mini strap dress on. Yeah, what is that called? This is string top. Oh, see, I didn't even know that. You know what I like in Portuguese when, you know, tube top? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so tube top would be this.

Yeah, yeah. So in Portuguese, it's called Tomara Kikai, which means, I hope it falls down. Isn't that fun? Tomarikai. What would Tutu be and then you sneeze? How would that look? Like if I went, Achoo, and then my titty's showed?

Well, no. Nobody wants that. No, no. Some people want that. Like this guy. This horn dog. But you look great. Thank you.

The red against your sort of, you have sort of a tannish golden skin hue. Thank you so much. This bruises for my HPV vaccine. Oh, it is? Yeah. You got a vaccine for. From your jet printer? Uh-huh.

Yeah, it's just to make sure. Can you imagine? Weird. If you could get a shot and then you could just print from any printer. Jeez. Do you ever think about electronics and how they all have different personalities? No, talk to me, girl, child. Okay, because think about this.

Printers are kind of like sensi. Like, if you don't put the paper in right, it won't spit it out. Oh, you're right. You know, they're kind of testy. Like, do I want to pair with this computer? Right. And then, like, if you think about a razor is like, yeah, I'm going to eat your hair. Like, every little thing, like, a camera's like, tink, got it.

Yeah. Like, you know. Wow. Yeah. Microphones was like, I got you. I'm here. I'm solid. Wow.

You know, if you're putting all this into what you just put in, I do not want to go with you to see the Transformers because you will explode. Tell me an electronic. And I'll tell you with their personnel. Like, if you ever heard Optimus Prime speaking, you'd probably like, do you know who I? You made him sound kind of German gay. You're like, I'm Optimus Prime. I'm Optimus Prime.

Oh, my God. my god let me play with your machinery oh put me put some batteries in and play with your machinery i'm optimist prime oh i like it you should use that voice as your regular voice maybe i do when you're not around oh because you're putting on this voice yeah not your real voice but i didn't finish with my fashion asash oh sorry go ahead no i love the machine thing we're going to circle but then you got you got the red top the tube top some necklaces the gold necklaces to frame and then the bronze skin, and then the black hair just coming down to fin it. Like, it's a good look.

Thank you. I feel vibrant. I feel like I've been getting a lot of sun, a lot of vitamin D. Do people on the street, are you, you seem like one of those fancy girls that just walks down road day and drive. That's how I walk. And everyone, like, you're like the type of girl. People in the street go, who's that girl? Who's that girl?

Who's that girl? No, because I've got like dykey energy. So I. Way to ruin it. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. I'm sorry that I ruined your fantasy of me. No, this is the whole community.

I just said everyone's why, who's that girl? I have to admit. When I just got this coffee, I won't say where because I don't want to advertise for any places. When I got this tea, I don't drink coffee out. I'm shitting myself. But I did feel like when I walked in, like the wind was kind of blowing, like my hair was kind of blowing. That's what I mean.

Oh, hello. Yeah, you've got kind of that, you know, here comes that girl type of vibe. like everybody's favorite rolling down the street. Oh my God, tell Hollywood. Well, honestly, when you walk down the street, because I'll be honest, like not in a pervy way, but if I was walking down the street and I saw you just like kind of going along

in the red dress. My walk is just like, you know, like a giant. I would be like, oh, that girl just looks like so refreshing and, you know, it's a simple thing, but it's eye-catching. Thank you. Like, do people do that? I mean, I can sometimes feel when I'm energetic, like together that I make a I make a dent I make a dent really yeah I can feel it the difference

and do you see people like like guys in cars turn and people walk it it's gonna feel good yeah but then it doesn't when you don't feel it so it's it's better to not have felt it ever again oh so you have days where you just feel like sludge fest yeah yeah yeah and then also it's the opposite on stage if you look hot when you get on stage people are like we talked about this people are like they don't like it oh yeah You've got to be a little off. Comedy and beauty don't necessarily mesh. They don't, I mean, unless you're Matt Rife. Do the girls love that guy?

I've been hearing all about. The girls love that guy. What is it? He's got kind of the big lips and the chis. He looks like a beautiful woman with like a body of a built teenager boy, which is like kind of my type. He sort of looks to me like the lead singer of aha after he spent a night in a van with a whole bunch of priests.

And if you're watching Matt Rife, hallelujah no but he is a handsome guy he's yeah he's attractive he looks like a lesbian like a beautiful lesbian and i think he knows that and he uses i mean good for him what an incredible year he's had he has i to be honest i didn't i did not know who he was till about a month a month ago see but now you know who he is sort of i i still have yet to see his like act and stuff i have no i don't remember his comedy at all but i just he's always been super nice we've done many shows together but like good good is it about comedy really ultimately yeah it is it is i mean there there are variables that can tip the balance obviously i mean the same thing goes with guys that are

super like dirty or edgy like you know look at when dice clay came out all those years ago you know but it was about a look too it was about it was like about a charisma and it's like about a whole thing i think it's about people buy into the character yeah yeah yeah you're right because you can't just be good at comedy Because, by the way, nobody's really good at comedy anymore. We all just do crowd work, right? You know what's funny is I've been doing crowdwork my whole career. And there was a time up until even like not too long ago before the advent of TikTok and where a lot of comedians look down on crowd work.

100%. And I even had comedians in the course of my career kind of go, oh yeah, anyone can do that. I had a guy go up after me one. like a prominent comedian. And I went up and destroyed it doing crowdwork. And no one really did it back then. I've always done it. And he went on stage and goes,

oh, anyone can do crowd work. Nice act. But they can't. And I just sat there and I went, oh, really. And no,

not everyone can do crowd work. It's a craft upon to itself. I agree. And then when you can like go in and out of it with your material on the road, like, and then you bring it back and then people feel really included.

I think it's, I love it. If I could do the whole time, I could do crowd work. that's what I would do. Yeah. I enjoy it. Well, it's funny because at one point in time, even clubs were like, well, yeah, this

guy's hilarious, but where's the act? Like, where's, you know, he's doing a lot of crowd work, but where's the at? You know what I mean? But isn't it about entertaining the people that's what I mean? Like, Matt Rife, if that guy's killing it, good for him. That's what he does. He does crowd work. That's his main thing.

The only, there's two good things about it. A, crowdwork should get recognized because even the old master's like Don Rickles. I mean, that was his bread and butter. But now the only problem is if, if Matt Rife is sort of bringing it back or making more guys do it, now it's just going to be like an overload. Like everyone's just going to be up there. But that's what happens. It's like it gets just to people see like even with the clips. When I started doing the clips, I started seeing everybody kind of do the clips the same way. I was like, oh, I can't like there's, I got to stop. I got to think of something new. You know, like what's the next thing? I hate looking like everybody else.

Like, I hate doing the same thing that everybody's doing. I bet every comedian does almost. It's, that's, that's the key to the game is standing out. You know, same with music. I mean, look at guys like Prince and, you know, you got to stand out, baby. And comics get mad about that, too. What? If you do music?

Yeah, oftentimes at the store, like, I'll do a set with music. Because Kaylee, the girl, you know Kaylee, the girl plays piano there. Chevy Chase's daughter. That's right. I just found that out last week. And what a talent and what a sweetheart. I love playing with her. She knows my set.

She knows my rhythm. yeah and it just becomes this other thing it's so fun for me and then like oftentimes you know kirk will follow me and be like well i'm not going to do that like you know oh you get it's a lot the energy shift you know yeah it's it's it's it's a different vibe but i always say you're up there for you not for anyone else like you got you got you got to follow your own funny vibe and do what you do well i look up to you a lot because i i think the non the absurdity like the nonsensicalness of it is kind of what I like. Yeah, I like that.

I don't want it to kind of make sense. I just want people to go like, that was funny. I don't know why. Like, I don't know why that made me laugh. That's fun, isn't it? When you do a bit and you know it makes you laugh and you go, this is too awkward and weird for everyone to get. But when everyone does get it, it's like so rewarding.

It is. And then you don't even really understand why it's fun. I love that feeling. Yeah. And I love when stuff happens that can't happen again. Yeah. Like on the road when like maybe somebody will come up and I'll make fun of them. and then at the end I'll make fun of them.

Like, you bring it back and then they all know what the inside joke is. I love an inside joke within the hour. I love it. And sometimes that fluky stuff and the random weird stuff can be more rewarding than a regular, structured, full-on bit that everything works the way it's supposed to mechanically. Oh, that's my, that's like my hour. I did it so fast and like I just wanted to get the jokes out and it feels so unnatural to me. Yeah, yeah.

I just feel like with comedy, I get a little frustrated because I, I haven't gotten to do the things that sort of make, like the little pat in the back things. Like, I've never done late night. Like, I've never done. Oh, like a late night show? Yeah, like, I feel like I haven't had those little badges that make you feel. Like, I know I'm respected within the world.

I'm here. Yeah. Like, I'm in it. But there's all these little things where I feel like I haven't. Well, the only, the only side note I'd say to that is that you still have those to look forward to, though. Do you? Yeah.

I mean, if that's what you're aiming for. I always say that I'm going to do. night and then I never do it. Oh. Like I never, I'll go do a set and then I have all these new things written and then I just get, I'm going to do crowd work and have fun. Well, you know, hopefully it happens. Yeah, no, I'll try.

Don't beat yourself up. By the way, before we get too far into this, oh my God, I brought you a present. Do you like presents? Don't look. Okay. Ooh, it's crinkly. Should I guess? Hold your hands up higher.

There we go. Is it wet? Don't, don't look yet, but you. Yes, gas before you. I'm feeling it. It's some kind of candy. Don't squeeze it too hard. It's some kind of candy.

It's delicate. No. Yeah. Is it like a dreidel? No. Why would you give it a draodle? Yeah, why would I give you a dreidel? It feels like a candy of some sort.

Is it a hard candy? Check it out. Oh my God. I can't believe I couldn't feel that I was a. Hold it up. Where did you get one of these? It says right on the bag, Panda Express. Oh, this came with a meal or did you go out and buy it?

I went out and bought it. Do you want to guess what my... Yeah, I was going to ask you, do you believe in that kind of wacky stuff? Yeah, I do. Okay. Okay, like this, for example, so I'm dating this girl. She's awesome. She's British.

Oh, she's British. Can you give me a voice? Oh, she's like, oh, yeah, your comedy's okay. Oh, so she's very honest, is she? She's very posh. No, she's, I can't really. do her accent because she lived in japan for a long time so it's like a blend so she's like japanese british she's japanese british oh and she had i just picked her up from the airport she'd just

come back from london when did you pick her up today like a few days ago wow and she goes she said something oh you that's a cheeky thing and i go what because she never really says cheeky i said you've gotten more london right more london and then she's like yeah there's going to be a lot more cheeky we park the license plate in front of us that's cheeky well come on Yeah, so we were like, what? So I believe in things like that. Wait, are fortune cookies Chinese or Japanese? Chinese.

They are. Yeah. Okay. So, okay. Do you want to guess my, what it says? Don't read it yet. I will guess. It's going to say something like you are going to find.

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Have fun Don't throw your back out And Happiness In a stranger In a stranger I like that I wish that's what Do you ever say something after

Like in bed Between the sheets Oh That was always what we would do Oh with these Yeah you read it And then you go between the sheets well then let's add that to whatever this says you will be trusted with a beautiful secret

between the sheets wow that's kind of nice that's good yeah thanks what do you think of the ingredients of this what is this i don't know but oh no it has flour in it it does yeah you don't like flour no i do i just wanted to let you know Oh, no, it has yellow number five in it. I don't eat that. Well, apparently you do. Thank you.

I love this. I'll keep this forever. Yeah, read it again. What was it? It says what now? Your intern will get that. You will be trusted with a beautiful secret. Are you about to tell me something?

I don't know if I have a secret for you. I don't like keeping secrets. You don't? Because unless, they like don't affect other people you know what i mean yeah have you ever like been busted with a secret like you had you had like a gnarly secret and then someone found it out and you like had to do a lot explaining to do yeah no i'm pretty honest i i wish i wasn't but i can't like i'm too squirmie i like that you have a british lot girlfriend and she's japanese no she's not japanese she's black

she just lived in japan for a long time yeah this story keeps changing like i'm busted with a lie right I know. What kind of secret are you keeping? United Colors of Benetton over here. First, she's British. She is British. First she's British. Then she's Japanese and now she's black.

No, I said she lived in Japan. Oh, okay. Yeah, because she's a visual artist, so she did a lot of stuff there. She was a VJ there. So she's African American. She's black. Right. I guess you don't say African American if you're from.

What do you say in the UK? Do you say British black? Yeah. do they no so why did it but here it's african america no it's just black nobody says that anymore no one says african-american no so did they ever say british black no but i'm gonna say that to her are you oh you're british black i got to be honest i find it so cool and sexy because i'm not used to it but whenever i see a black person pulling a british accent i can't handle it it like flips me out like when i saw that movie snatch with that uh you know and and the

There's that one group of all black criminal guys that's in it, and they're hilarious. Yeah. But they've got these really intense British accents. They're like Essex, you know. Yeah. And when you live here and you're not used to seeing black people pop a British accent, there's something about it. I love it. When she's like, yes, please. I'm like, oh, like I cannot handle. Oh, her accent drives me nits. Like it's even, even with white people, it like gets me. Like I love a good British accent. I like Australian too. Oh, yeah. Australian's dirty. Deady accent. Do you find it dirty?

Yeah, it's kind of dirty. It's like, because they're criminals, you know, no offense. So when you, and I don't know, but some people get off on the accent. When you're making sweet summer love, you're laying on a picnic blanket out in the heather, but. Well, we're waiting until marriage, but. Oh, you are? Well, when you're smooching and hugging and snuggling, do you like, when she talks,

do you make a whisper in your ear? We talk dirty. Like, give me an example. No, I'm not going to give you an example. She's very private. Well, I'm not. I'm not. I know, but we're on a podcast.

Give me a mild one. Like, hey, baby, what you feel, I'm really, if you feel warm, feels so warm and soft in my arms, love. Yeah, that she said that to me this morning. Were you listening? What if you were just in my window? Looks like I do that in a secret. She'll say, yes, please.

So that's, what do you mean? She'll be like, yes, please, yes, please, you know? So that's hot. She's going to kill me for that. Oh, no, that's nice. That's what she's watching. That's like she's saying something really nice about you. Are you the lead?

in the relationship or you that like isn't there always a dominant there's for it's verse but you know I'm you saw my fingers last time I was here so they're strong what's verse you said the term oh verse is like we switched it's like sometimes her sometimes me you know so sometimes she's the more dominant uh-huh and then sometimes you are but what do you like better dominant or passive topy top I have a hard time receiving you like being the dominant one yeah I'm not gonna sit in the audience waiting for a joke I'm gonna tell it right and do you ball you let boss her around the house. No.

So make me a fucking omelet. Make me a fucking. No, I'm the cook. I'm the cook in that relationship. So then you, hey, fine. Eat my fucking omelet. Eat my omelet now. Eat my fuck.

Stuff that fucking omelet down your pie hole, love. Oh, I'm going to get, I'm kind of getting turned on. Right. There's a door. Yeah. You're getting turned on by me doing a British house. I think that's the voice you should use. I think this officially might be you cheating is what it is.

I mean, if you're getting on more. moist and whatnot. No, I'm not into men anymore. Yeah, but it seems like you said, you just admit you're getting turned on, love. It's the voice. I just can imagine it on. Right, but I come from, this is almost a level of cheating. Where are you coming from?

Well, Chessix, the lesbian part, you know, teetting the lesbian part of Chessix, love. No, this isn't cheating. I'm Brazilian. There's a lot more than we do that we, you know, Brazilian people are like super sexual. They are? Yeah, like, if you go to Brazil, you go to a club and somebody looks at you, like, this and you look back, you'll start kissing. Like there's no conversation.

Yeah. If you look at someone too long, they'll kiss you. What? Where's this Brazil place? And how do I get there? It's in South America. So you were born there? Born and raised, yeah.

Wait, it's that easy? What do you mean? Yeah. People are just horny. And it's like kissing someone is not a big deal. Like if you're married and you kiss someone, that's not like a thing. That's what, when I lived in Germany, flirting was not a big deal. It's not a big deal at all.

It was expected. Like, you could go out to a party with your girlfriend or even your wife. Yeah. And then sit with a couple and start flirting with the other person's partner right in front of them. And I had a girlfriend over in Germany and I could not adjust because in North America. You got upset. Well, you don't even flirt in secret, let alone like it was blatant, like right in front. I think that's why relationship lasts longer in other places.

Maybe it is. Because think about it here. It's like we're so like. We're so uptight about it. But I'm kind of jealous. I know like I busted my my girl in Germany I said what are you doing you're flirting like you're doing it right in front of me she goes yeah that's just what we do I'm I'm in front of you I'm not doing anything and I was like wait what like I short circuit it's you yeah this is so this is

what we do we flirt and I'm like I mean but isn't there logic to that isn't there doesn't that make more sense than being like you talk to another person who like they're not doing well talking is different from flirting flirting you're your kind of what's the difference you're batting our eyelashes more like well you when you're flirting when you're talking like so how about this climate change and flirting is like so how about the climate change between my legs no that's not that's not that's not that's not flirting that's like insinuating something well i don't know what you're talking about like maybe you're like kind of maybe you're kind of an old man when it comes to this stuff so am i flirting with you right now

because of the accent maybe i is and maybe i ain't but i feel like i'm purposely flirting with you right Okay, now go back to normal. Okay. I can tell. I can tell just from the shift that you're not flirting anymore. Yeah, but what if I'm flirting with you right now, though, love? Yeah, what's the big two? We can flirt.

We can. Yeah. What if it leads to something, though? What if, you know, maybe I want a snuggle and... Oh, you want a snog? A snog is a kiss. A snog is a kiss. Whatever it leads to.

I'm all right with that. I'm fine because I'm not getting any fanny flutters. Excuse me. Fanny what? Fanny flutters? What's that? That's how they say horny in British culture or Australian. I think it's called Fanny Flutters.

It's called quefeing here, isn't it? No, like when you feel like when you get excited and like it's like a lady boner. Like a cloner. Cheezer Christina. Wow. Why are you cheering? Can you make a little noise every time I say. Lady boner.

Hey, cheers. I got a lady bono. Do you have a sound for a cloner? Oh, wait, wait, hang on. Wait. More like a cloner. Wait, wait. Hang on, let's see.

Okay, do it. More like a cloner. No, that's so good. Let's try again. More like a cloner. No, that didn't feel right. I don't like that one. Keep going.

More like a cloner. If I was ever a queen, that's how I would do, though, wave. Oh, you are a queen in my mind. All right. Now you're flirting. You're taking it too far. I figured me out, love. Speaking of little treats, though, do you like flavors?

I love flavors. Do you like candy? Yes. Okay. Jelly beans? Jelly beans. Oh, boy. I got the ones that are all the different flavors.

Oh, like the gross ones? Yeah. Let's do it. Should we try it? Yeah, let's see. Okay, it's in the back. Let's not look at what the flavors are. No, we're not going to look.

Haven't opened the bag. Okay. To start this off, let's just for, you know, decide what flavors you're into and what it's like for example butter popcorn how do you feel about that because that's the only one i don't like it's gross it's gross but i i wouldn't freak out over it which one would you freak out over because a lot of people hate licorish yeah i was just gonna say the black licorish really okay let's see i'm just i'm gonna randomly just dump some on the table do you sometimes see a picture of someone on a print ad and you go why didn't i get

that audition what do you mean i would have been perfect on that oh the the the kids on the the A jelly bean bag. Yeah. Would you, would you do a jelly bean commercial? Yes. I would do a commercial for anything except erectile dysfunction because who would I be in that at? The girl was disappointed.

Well, didn't you just say that you could get a clip owner or something? Cloner. A cloner. Oh. Damn it. One didn't feel good. All right. Ready?

So you grab a jelly bean. I can already tell which ones are the gross butter popcorn ones. Okay. You grab one. and then don't eat it. I'm going to go crazy because I never like the brown ones. Okay, don't eat it yet. And then I'll grab one too.

I'll grab, I'll grab like a. Oh, that one looks good to me. It's like a blue one. Yeah, that looks good. Okay, who you go first. Oh. What is it? Oh, it's bad.

What is it? Soil. It's bad. What is it? I don't know. Beans? I think it's beans. A jelly bean that tastes like beans?

It's beans, I think. That's ridiculous. It's bad. That's like a chicken that tastes like chicken. I think it's beans. That's the flavor. Beans? I think so.

What's yours? What is it? What is it? Mine just tastes like mint. That's not fair. Eat a brown one like the one I just ate. Okay. Eat a brown one.

Oh, you didn't like, but not good mint. Well, it's so strong that I think it'll cover up the brown one.

So I'll try the brown one. Oh, we should have had stuff from, wait, take a swigger, your cactus cooler. Yeah. Cactus cooler.

Oh, good. All right, a brown one. Okay, brown one. It's bad, right?

Oh. My immediate thought was like soil. Oh. Yeah. That tastes like, poo or something. Oh, God. I told you it's really bad.

I think it's beans flavored. Okay. One more? I'm going to do this orange one because it looks so good. I'm hoping it's sherbet. That literally tastes like cow manure. Yeah, it's bad. I want you to try this one too.

Okay. So we're having the same. Oh, God. What is it? That's bad. I can't keep chewing it. That's bad. Oh.

Go ahead. It's like, you know, it's here it goes, this smells like shit, smell it. That's what we're, do we just keep doing it repeatedly to ourselves. All right. Where's my glasses? I got to find out what the hell flavors these. Those are bad. Should we do one more just because we're masochists?

Yeah, let's try one more. I'm going to do yellow. Yellow and then I'll do kind of the, there's a white one here. Oh, boy. Halapeno. Is it? Mm-hmm. I like this one.

It's good. I mean, it's not good, but it's not bad. Oh, it tastes like barf. God, these are gross. These flavors are fucking gross. Who made them? Let me read what the hell they are. Let me see.

Okay. First one. Okay. Oh, let me look at these. Yeah, you read them. It's tiny writing. It's so tiny. I can't even see it.

Okay. The brown one that we had. was liver and onions. Oh, God. Yeah. I thought beans, but I was wrong. You were close. It was food.

Contained weird flavors. Yuck. Okay. Now, the one I just had was booger. But it tasted like... Snott. The yellow... We split an orange one, and that's dead fish.

Oh, yeah. That's about right. Yeah. And then the blue one you had toothpaste. Oh, that's the, okay, that's why it's so minty. Yeah. And, but these flavors are just disgusting. What are the rest of them? I'm kind of glad we didn't eat them all. This says old band, Band-Aid. Oh, wow. And we wonder why we have Corona. Literally, old Band-Aid is the most disgusting fucking thing. Ron Nag, Barf, Booger. I think I had the barf. Stinky socks. That's so bad because these

are stinky socks, but they look, that one looks so good. That stinky socks looks a lot like the barf. Yeah, because then they show you what they actually are like in the correct one. Like, yeah, that's bad. It hurt my stomach. They're so disgusting. Yeah, no more. No more.

God. But that's fun, though. I didn't know that they were going to be so bad. Oh, there's. Being boozzled, though. Got to give it to that exact. What? Being boozzled.

That's pretty good. Bean booze. Elaine Boozler. Elaine, Elaine Boosler. Elaine Bean boozeler. I mean, are you friends with her? No. I think I met her.

I think I met her a couple of times. There's one under hiding under your cactus cooler. Careful. Where? Under. Sneaky little bean. Okay. Trying to bean boozzle you.

I want to go back to the looks thing. No. Are you going to eat these still? Don't go back? No, those are just toss them. Give them to Jack. Jack and the beanstalk throws those on the ground and puke and band-aided things grow out. You'll find that when you move out one day.

Um, but I wanted to ask you, because I was talking about, you know, your looks and grooving down the street. In this crazy world of filters, do you use filters? Not really. I don't like that. Have you ever done it like on one of your posts or anything? Yeah. Yeah, I'll put like a fun one on, but like I'll never do it to like, you know. Lie.

Lie. Yeah. Because when I was single for a bit and I was going through all the dating apps, all the girls had filters on their. Yeah. And you can tell it to filter. It's like, just show me your, like. the things that are bad with you. And they're a lie.

I wasn't on a dating app once and there was this girl and she was cute, but she had like, have you ever seen the dog filter with the ears and the tongue comes out? That's her main photo? Yeah. So I go like that and then I meet up with her in real life and I see her and I go, God, I like you better as a Rottweiler.

The hell. See you later, Benji. Yeah. Where's your tail? Yeah. I'm not into this. It was like off, man. So you've been going on dates?

Well, no, before we go there, there's a, There's a filter now that I've seen that makes girls like it's flawless and it makes them look stunning. There's one. It's called bold and something. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Should we do it? Do you know it?

I don't know it. It's on TikTok. But how would it, does it, do you think that's fair? Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, it depends what you're doing it for. I mean, let's see. I did it with my parents and they were like, whoa.

But doesn't it mess girls up though? It does. I think it's messing up kids. Like if I'm, if I'm an average looking girl and I'm in high. high school and I'm like 15 and I want to go to the prom and none of the boys are paying attention to me. Yeah. And then I pressed this button and sudden I look like Cindy Crawford. Well, you don't look like Cindy Crawford. I mean, you know, some of them do. Bold glamour. I got it. There's a new one that just like. You're going to die. Let me just put the music off.

Sorry, that's really annoying. Hold on. Damn it. I just did it. You just did it now? You just did the Cindy Crawford filter? The bold one is like, yeah, but you don't really need it. Guys, oh my God. We'll post it with the episode. I look, wow. Let me do it to you. Well, you already look sort of like cute. Oh, wow. You look way better.

See? Do I need to take my glasses off to do it? Let me see it. But that's what I mean. And it's flawless. Yeah, I did with my dad. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I look at that. It's not doing anything. Yes, it is. I look like a little British lesbian as well. I think I look like. Wow. You look, you're like a... I imagine.

I mean, I still kind of look like this, but I'm not like it. Like you're already hot, but now you're like a triple smoke show. That's what I mean, man. That's not cool. right so what if you're a girl that's got a complex about her looks she's like a 15 year old she just went through a you know a couple of layers of zits and you know she's got her skin isn't she's maybe Scottish well to be honest just because they drink a lot of milk well just they're Scottish right they're like pale and they don't get a lot of vitamin D I get that

frackly and scaly yeah so what do you do if you're if you're a kid is that Is this healthy? No, it's not healthy. And I feel bad for kids because they have to have a presence online to, like, be popular in school. Can you imagine having to have that? Like, we already have to have that in our comedy. Oh, God.

I miss knowing facts that I just knew. Like, I would memorize facts. Like, I was that kid that's like, did you know that the human head is like, I knew, I was like that kid. Wait, what is the human head? Remember that from Tony McGuire? The kid was like, did you know that the human head is this many inches or whatever? I don't know, some bullshit fact.

Well, that's his fact, but what's one you have? A fun fact. Yeah. what do you want well hit me with anything any well i don't have him anymore i was excited about the human head and then it turns out and then it turned out do you have one of your own a fun fun fact a fun fact and how fun is it now i don't know any facts i can't even think of anything except brittany spears why here's a fun fact you're a liar apparently you don't have one damn fact at all we're getting dumber okay we're getting dumber now that's that's too much convenience i don't remember anything

I don't even know my own phone number anymore. Is that the fact? That's the facts. Wow, you finally got to it. You're so bloody cute. Are you single? No, I have a girlfriend. Well, I'd like to take you out.

I mean, you know, just a little British girl from the country. I'd love to take you out. Did you just say country to investize the word cut? From the country. Oh, her accent. Is that what hooked you? Is that what hooked you in? But she likes when I speak Portuguese.

I'm always trying to always speaking Portuguese. Let me do a thing where you speak Portuguese and I'll speak like her. What you're doing today? I don't know. Maybe tonight we could get a gas at a bottle of wine. Ah, okay. I'll maria is this. With a red or white, love?

Vermeally, for favor. Maybe we could like a fire and make some lobster thermidor. A what? A lobster thermidor and a nice pino vegwa. What's a dish? What's a dish? What's a dish? Oh, okay.

You can snuggle by the fire, love. I think you should take this on. Well, I am. I'm clearly trying to score with you. I mean, I'm trying to convert you back. No way, man. If I fucked a comic, you know it would be Dame Cook. Oh, wow.

Oh, wait. Sorry, Dane. I'm just randomly pushing buttons. I'm kidding. I'm too old for him. Try it again. Sorry. I fucked any comic

It would be Dame Cook Oh god He used to be hot What was that face You made Like night predator God I don't think

Dane would even want to say hello to you at this point He does not He already knows to him He does not want to say hello God That's better That's better There you go.

Yeah, because I can go from like this. It's really fast, you know? You don't need a filter. You just got your chin. Yeah, this is why when you're born, if you don't have this, you can't do comedy. Well, I have. Yeah. Look at my.

We both have. I have, no, you, I have a full on waddle. Yeah, but you can put it in. Excuse me, love. You can tuck in. Talk it in. Oh, love to love. um do you um do you believe like we we had the fortune cookie thing and everything yeah do you believe

in magic and stuff like that like like like what kind of magic you know magic you know no i mean just like do you believe in like weird kind of like ethereal stuff like yes like fortunes and sayings and mysticism and things like that why i was such a huge fan of yours always me yeah this is just an example was yeah i'm an adult now I grew up. No, I am still, but I, then I got that weird Beirut thing, and you were just in it. Oh, yeah. It was so wild.

Yeah. When he said your name, I couldn't believe it. We went to Beirut together and it stand up. Yeah, we talked about this last time. It was such a good time. Yeah. It was a good time. And so I think things like that happened, like when you put things out in the universe,

like you manifest, you weirdly manifest things when you actually, because, you know, everybody's like about manifesting, you just have to know what you want. You don't know how you get there. Yeah. You just have to believe that you'll get there. So then I don't want you to give up on the late night thing. Like you're still manifesting that, aren't you? Yeah, I have a weird thing with stand-up where, like, sometimes I don't fully believe

in myself in it. So then maybe that holds me. And then I think I'm holding myself back. Yeah. And then I do hold myself back. And then, yeah, I don't know. I have a weird relationship with stand-up where I don't ever go fully in because I want to act so badly.

Because you're a full-time actor, actress, right? Or what? Well, what? Well, not really. I mean, I'm in commercials, but I'm not like doing a lot of TV stuff these days. But on a level of 10 out of 10, is your heart more in acting than stand-up? Or is it an even split? I think the dream is to be in films, yeah.

Yeah. Have you done movies? No. Oh, sister child. I haven't been in any major movie. Oh, sister-child. But I've been in 51 national commercials. What's the latest one?

I have a progressive commercial running right now. Oh, the insurance one? Yeah. It's pretty funny, too. Do they pay good commercials? No, not anymore. No, not like your story that you told me. What's the best commercial?

You know, I got into commercials when I first came to town just out of necessity. Yeah. And I just talk about being naive. I just went and I got a commercial agent. Yeah, send me out on some commercials. Cut to like four out of five were award winners. And one of them was a Super Bowl commercial. I mean, but that's not a thing anymore.

That's not anything anymore. No, but back then it was. Yeah, it was like, and I didn't even know it. Oh, God, that's, I fucking, it's, I'm so jealous. It was bizarre. I, there's a commercial contract where it caps at $20,000. So you really can only make a certain amount of money with commercials now. Yeah, and even, because it's because the streaming services.

I did a commercial with Michael Bay, the guy who, speaking of the, and I made like a fortune off of this thing. Yeah, I made, I had a couple little fortune moments. And they won't let you do that anymore? They don't do that. anymore we have a new commercial contract and now we're fighting for even better ones but it's it's all because of the streaming services because they can't because they inflate their numbers so much oh they inflate their numbers so much i don't do commercials anymore not even for cactus cooler here on

the harland highway podcast you were saying um but i would love to be in movies god that's the dream uh you know what's your ultimate go-to movie role though because he's helena i'm just kidding amy wine house. Oh, I don't know if I could get the accent, but I got the looks. I got the accent. I can teach you. You could do the accent. I've ever been doing the bloody accent half the fucking podcast laugh.

Are you scared that robots are going to take her job? Robots? Yeah. Oh, you mean like AI? Yeah. I'm actually, this is going to sound counterintuitive. I'm actually excited about it. So let me tell you an interesting story about AI taking our jobs.

Okay. So the word is out that AI can write, right? Like you could say, hey, I write an episode of Seinfeld. Chad, whatever. It's Jerry gets a new couch and Kramer spills some porridge and Elaine goes on a day. And apparently this thing will write an episode in three seconds. Amazing. Is it funny?

Is it clever? I don't know. I haven't seen that. Who cares it's structurally written? So here's what happened to me. I have a very close buddy who's involved in the AI. space. He owns AI stuff. He's developing AI stuff. He's creating these incredible boxes with three dimensional holograms in them. So I'm over at his warehouse the other day where he's got a room

full of these things. Yeah. And he goes, have you seen kind of the new AI program? And I go, no, what are you talking about? You come on over. So he has a mini version of the AI box with a robot, a three-dimensional hologram robot. Like a little man? It's floating inside this box. What did you look like? Like a white guy? It looked.

It actually looked like a robot like C3Pio, but it was like a woman. It had like little eyelashes and everything. And she was like, hello. And so my guy goes up to it and he goes, um, AI, this is Harlan Williams.

Do a joke as Harlan Williams and Harlan give it a topic. And I just thought, I don't know, potato salad. That's very Harlan. So I'm expecting this thing to go, hi, I'm Harlan Williams. Do you like potatoes out? Like really kind of shitty and like not getting it and not being able to be funny and not being able to get the essence of me.

So in five seconds, this thing, all of a sudden goes, Hey, gang, I'm Harlan Williams. You ever have potato salad little buddy? Well, it's just like relationships. It can get lumpy. but sometimes it's juicy and delicious. That's a great joke. And like I was sitting there, I'm not telling, Jade, I was stunned.

I was like, A, and I didn't, this isn't perfect the way I quoted it. I'm just kind of, A, it was funny. B, it caught my mannerisms, and I had never met it in my life. It just got my name. But how does that not scare you? Well, it scared me. It terrified me, but I was also riveted. And not only that, but it not only did something.

funny that I went, I went to my, right who I want, I would use that. Yeah. But it also caught my inflections, my manner. Now, it wasn't 10 out of 10, but it was like six and a half, seven out of because it's gathering information from everything that's out there, right? Every publication, every video. And I thought it would be maybe a one. And it was, this is the first time I've ever seen this, first time I've ever used it. And it was at like a seven. And I went, I would sit down and write a whole act with this thing. That's what I'm, like, and, and, but the, what's going to happen is, like people aren't going to want us to do it anymore. If they can just have a robot do it for way cheaper or like they don't have to fly them

there. They don't have to accommodate them. They don't have to feed them. Like that's where it gets like, wait a minute. So then what part? But maybe it inflates our price because it's like you get the real person. It's not the AI hologram. Like the real person is here.

Well, not only that, but excuse me, here's where I think it gets cool. Now, some people can look at this as a negative or a positive. But to me, I look at all this technology as a tsunami. Because you already have a house. It's a wave. It's coming at us. We can't stop it. It's like phone booths.

You know, there's no more phone booths, but at one time they were everywhere. You can't stop them. Yeah. And so what I'm sitting here going, I'm like, holy smokes, look at this technology. And then you look at all the artists lately, the musicians like Neil Young and Sting and what did all these people do? In the last few years, they've all sold their musical library. for like a billion dollars, $500 million.

Yeah. Because they know it's coming. They're going to take it over. So people like me and you are established in the comedy universe, I expect at some point in the next five, maybe less, maybe more years to someone ring the doorbell and go, hey,

we want to buy your likeness in perpetuity for $300 million. But we've already sold, by the way, we were to already sign so many contracts that give people, are like us. Yeah, but not the sole perpetuary rights for our stand-up comedy and material we've written and stuff we've already recorded. I don't know if I'm there yet.

And just us as a personality. You know what I mean? Like somebody somewhere down the road's going to go, like take example of the movie I did something about Mario where I played the serial killer hitchhiker. Somebody somewhere is going to go, you know what? We're looking for a funny movie with a funny person. Why don't we finish the story of that hitchhiker? We never found out what happened to him.

idea. Why don't we get Harlan Williams? Like fan fiction? Right. We've bought his likeness. He's already funny. People know him. We know he can act funny and talk funny. Why don't we ask AI to write a movie in 4.3 seconds about the continuing journey of that hitchhiker. I love it. So that's what I mean. Stuff like this. I think there's a lot coming that we're going to be able to exploit ourselves in ways that we never could before, which I think is going to be a good thing. And think about it, you know, we've all got limited time on this plane. But, you know, if I die next week, who's to say 700 years from now, they're still not making Harlan Williams movies. The fan fiction of all the characters you played. Yeah, no, I think. Or even if they write a movie,

a brand new movie, like, we love Harlan Williams and we love Jade. We want Jade as a farmer and she finds a UFO and she, you know, boom. So I don't know. So to answer your question, I'm scared by it, but I'm also like totally fascinated and fascinated by it. And I think it's going to give us a longer life as entertainers from the grave. I wish that I had been a little further along when this hit or like, or I had had some kind of, like, you know, people know who, like, I haven't reached that part yet where people like know my name or like maybe within the industry they do, but like, you know what I mean?

Still, though, you're a personality. You've got comedic chops. You're a person that wants to do this. So I don't know that you have to be at a certain tier to sell those rights. You know, maybe you don't get as big of a dollar. Like I'm sure I wouldn't get the digital rights that Brad Pitt would get. But I think if someone is propositioning you to use you in perpetuity for eternity, you can set a pretty high price, you know.

Yeah, and then you could just go and like fuck off in Brazil or something. But did you watch the black mirror about that? You need to watch that tonight. Which one? It's called Joanna's Awful, that episode. Oh, I started to. You didn't like it? I love the black mirror, okay, and this is what's happening with all the Netflix shows.

You're doing that old person, where you were out of the. By what? Were you out of the? The? Like, it's just Black Mirror, where you go like, the Black Mirror. Is it? It's just Black Mirror? Racist.

But I loved Black Mirror, like the first few seasons of it. Because it was British still. It was British and it was just. It was what it was. It was someone writing clever episodes of sort of occultish, technologically framed weird stories. So I went to watch the new season, and it was so smeared with wokeness that I couldn't, I turned it off after one and a half episodes. I couldn't take the blatant, like every race in the world, every sexuality in the world, Like, it was so obvious and being hammered in my face.

See, I got bothered by other things. I just, I couldn't, I couldn't take it. I thought it was too much shock value stuff, like bloody, sad, intense, like, just for the sake of being that and not telling the story. I didn't even get to that because I was so, like, it was so overwhelmed with all this agenda, woke stuff. And I was just like, I love all races. I love all people.

I like all sex. Anything goes, but don't make it so freaking blatant and obvious that I can't even focus. You miss shows with all. all white people, and I get that. No, no, it can be anything. I don't, I don't care. Too much of a mix. Harlan's white.

No, I love a mix, but I don't love it shoved in my face. And then every, every episode, it becomes that. But you've got to watch that episode because the whole thing is about our likeness being used for these, like, storylines, for these streaming services and us not even knowing that our reality is fake. Right, that was the one with Selma Hayek, right? Yes, yeah. And the lady's cheating on her guy.

and then they keep, it's almost like Groundhog Day. Yeah, but then you've got to finish the episode. I watched half of it. You got to finish it. Okay. Or should I tell you? You can tell me. Okay, but we basically find out that her existence is not even real.

It's based on a real person's existence. Oh, wow. She's the actress from Schitt's Creek. Oh, okay. And so they go and, like, destroy the supercomputer, basically at the end. Oh, wow. Yeah, I mean, I thought it was brilliant and very scary and... Are you frightened by this wave of technology that's coming?

I'm a little scared. I'm a little scared. Why? Why? Why? Because it's, in a selfish way, it's taking me so long. Even the self-tapes were difficult for me because it took me so long to get over the trauma of like auditioning and like how scary that. And then I got really good at it.

And then I finally was like enjoying the fruits of my labor and then COVID hit. Yeah. And so now I'm like just adjusting to like pre-AI and now I'm going to have to adjust again. So it's like these selfish things of like I keep almost getting to where I want to be and then something fucks it up. But is there any, any semblance of hope in what I kind of just spit out. out, like the concept of it maybe being a positive thing, if you open your eyes to it and look down the road? I mean, I'm always going to try to be positive and adjust, you know, because if you don't adjust

with times, you die, you know, you just get buried under. But, but yeah, I don't know. I'm looking into copywriting jobs. I've never done that before. I've never had a real job job. Yeah. But I write so many of the commercials I'm in and I never get paid for it. So I'm like, why don't I just write copy?

Yeah. But then now they're in that transition where, hey, and AI can do it much faster. Well, this is the thing, too. Like, it's so interesting when we watch our fellow actors and writers and everyone's striking. And part of you is like, yes, you know, go team. And then if you try to be the devil's advocate and look at it through a third eye, and you go, okay, let's say I'm a studio and I want to do a show like Seinfeld. And I got to hire 15 writers, put them in a room, feed them, feed them, pay health insurance, pay holiday, you know,

time off, have to, their union dues, all this and that. So now you're talking, let's say, hypothetically, a million dollars a person. Then I got to pay them their fee. And of course, they're talent and they're skilled. Or I can get this thing AI for free and say, hey, write me an episode in 3.2 seconds. And what's to say that the actors or the writers that you're hiring are not using AI themselves? And then you're paying a third part. And then also, there's no drama.

There's not going to be fighting. There's not like, there's no fighting. I understand, but then it's like, where do we stand as creatives? Like, do we matter at all? Does creativity matter at all? Does it, because creativity doesn't make a profit, right? Ultimately, it's like about making money if you have to run a corporation. So it's kind of like dying art.

Yeah, it's, we're at a real precipice here. And I also think that, you know, you have to look at like, like, you know, do we stand back or do we, do we keep fighting it? And it's like I said, like, the phone booth. You don't, did you think in your lifetime you'd never find a public pay phone? I mean, I'm going to go strike because I want to show my, you know, and I want to network. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, hi, I'm Jade. What are you doing here?

Okay. Scab. Scab. Scab. I looked up what scab meant, by the way. Fun fact. Okay. It came from the word scabies, as in like, being really dirty and being dirty and sick.

gross. Wasn't that one of the jelly bean flavors we just ate? Scab. Scabby. God. Yeah, really bad. But yeah, it's interesting to see what's going to happen. And you look at the people that are out there fighting and picketing and everybody.

And I don't want this to sound horrible because I'm a writer and I'm an actor too. But you almost wonder if you're losing, you're fighting a losing fight. That's how I feel sometimes. Like I'm watching friend dresser who I grew up with, you know, fighting and yeah, some of it almost feels surreal in a way where it's like this just feels like we're, what's it called when you're like treading water, you know. Well, she made this eloquent speech and one of her references, she goes, she goes, what are we doing? Are we just moving furniture around on the Titanic? And I kind of went, I think you're standing on the Titanic and it's going down. That's how it feels. There's no time left to move the furniture. And I'm on her side.

I'm one of them. But you look at reality and you go, at one time people were riding in covered wagons. And at one time we had phones hanging on our walls. And now we have smartphones. Our industry is no longer creative. It's just makes money. That's all it is.

Here's the caveat. What you ask yourself is you go, okay, you know, when the phone industry changed, when the automobile, like now everything's going, excuse me, everything's going electric. Right. So now you go, okay, well, how do humans adjust? And now how do we service AI?

How do we interact and participate with AI? And how do we go above and beyond AI? Isn't there beyond making money, like connectivity and storytelling and, you know, isn't what we do beyond just a money-making thing? Right. I mean, just devil's advocate, obviously, because I understand that it's an industry. ultimately but isn't it about like wow seeing you know like as a think about as a kid when you watch a TV how influential that is to you and I mean it's made us do what we fully

I mean you just kind of tripped and fell into it because you were meant to but oh absolutely you fell in a you slept in a bush came to America didn't have a visa that's right snott in black lesbian black lesbian who made it she's I think she identifies more as queer well do you know what I identify us What? Do we talk about this? No. Pansexual.

No way. You like to have sex in a fry pan? Yeah, it's the only way to do it. If it's not hot and it's not a little tiny oil stains everywhere, I don't want it. Do you spray Pam on your ass before you do it so you slide off? You have to. I prefer a vegan butter, but you can use Pam if you have to. Whoa.

What the hell is pans? See, these are all these terms I'm not used to. And by the way, remember jock pussy? Who? Jock Pussy. Oh, Jacques Pussy. Sorry, I cut you off. No, but there's one thing, you know, you look at the,

the LGBTQ, like, community. Yeah. And they talk about being marginalized and being a minority. And they want to be treated equal. They don't want to be marginalized. And I'm like, they are extremely guilty of marginalizing another community. And that's the dyslexic community. I mean, do you know how hard it is for a dyslexic to go,

hey, I support the LBQ, M&O, O, P, Q, Y, you know. It's rude. They should just say gay. The gay's got to start thinking more about the dyslexic. And by the way, who wrote, who came up with the word dyslexic? Have you ever tried to spell it? It's like D, QX, Z, Y, L, Y, X, S. Like, can you spell dyslexic?

Dislexic. D-D-I-S-L-E-X. I mess it up already? What is it? See? That's what I mean. Nobody knows. Like, of all the words to give someone who can't spell,

they spell it like it sounds like a meteorite from Galaxy 53-902. D-L-S-L-E-L-L-E-L-E. D-Y-S-L-L-E. X-I-A, dyslexia. See, even in front of you, you had trouble reading it. You're like, D-I-D-D-D-D-D. That's hard, yeah. So imagine you're a gay dyslexic trying to go, I'm Q-R-Y-M-Z.

You don't have to shout the letters. You can just, you can just be it. You can just live it. I know, but I'm just looking out for dyslexic gays. I know, I get that. Why can't I have concern for people? Were you a dyslexic kid? Well, hot?

Like, as a kid, did you already know you had dyslexic? Oh, did I ever? Really? Holy God. I once, my mother caught me one morning. I was dry humping a bowl of alphabet soup. I swam right into that one, didn't I? Well, I didn't speak any English, so that's hard too.

Immigrant. Oh, you don't speak English? I certainly do. I didn't. I would just stare at people and go, what are they thinking? That's why I got so good at observing people. How old were you when you started speaking English? I was 13.

So right when the hair started coming in? Mm-hmm. Yeah, my bush and my English came in at the same time. Oh, wow. Now I'm lazered. Yeah, I didn't speak in English, and I would just sit in class with, they wouldn't put me in a special class,

so I would just be in the regular class watching people. Excuse me. Can I just go back a notch? What? No one in the history of the English language or any language has ever said my bush and my English came in at the same time. That's so good.

Should I write that down? Yeah. God. Was it tough though? Not like we picked on as a kid? Yeah, that's my trauma. And I started doing all this stand-up about it finally where I started talking about how this one kid asked me like,

what's it like to wear shoes? And everyone's like, that's not true. That didn't really happen. I'm like, that really happened. And someone smelled me, too, my first day. You came from Brazil to where? Virginia. Oh, wow.

Yeah, in the 90s. So it was bad. And your mother sent you to school with not one word of English? No, I knew how to say, like, blue and cool. And, you know, I knew a few little words. And I had ESL. My whole joke is that my ASL teacher was like this Russian lady. What's ASL?

ESL. English has a second language. Dyslexic. Dislexic. I don't know. Too many letters. But so then I would just be in this regular class. And then there was all this stuff that I didn't understand.

I was doing like every day there was a board, a metal board, and we all had these little magnets with our names on it. And everyone would always put their magnet on one side, and I always wanted to be different. So I would put my magnet on the other side. And then I would always get these shitty, like, fish lunches. And then I finally put it together that people were putting their little magnet on what, like on pizza or like, but nobody explained it to me ever.

So there's like all these weird little things like that. Well, they wanted more pizza for themselves or Americans. Yeah, I'm just the stinky immigrant fish. kid there's the fish girl over there yeah so it was like all these little you know growing pains of like learning and you i mean i think it's why i mean it's why i do comedy because now my thing that was my trauma the language is my weapon yeah yeah hold that smile i'm dead inside um not for long because guess where we're at words from a wooden shoe baby oh yeah that's right and what we do is you reach in here and pull out a word and see if it reminds you of a story or a moment in your life

that you can share with all four of our viewers. I lived in Vell, you know that, right? You lived in Hale? Vell. Where's that? It's right outside of Amsterdam. Vell. Oh, Vell.

Vell. That's what the shoe made you think of. Oh, okay. What's your word? First time to ocean. Oh, okay. I have a good story. Yeah.

First time at the ocean. One time in middle school, my sister and I thought would be really, funny if we pooped in the ocean you said this is a good story right that's really it we did it and when you poop in the ocean it's fun because you poop and then it's like oh i'm pooping it's crazy right but then when you poop you don't know this because you're not in the ocean water usually but your butt goes and slurps a little thing up so you get a little salt water up there right after so it really does clean your butt so it's probably the best way to do it we did it again in high school but it wasn't as perfect as in middle school.

You want the harp music, don't, yeah. I want, I don't, I want something different, another sound effect. What else you got? No, you had that one. I had that one already. It feels like you're sweetening it. Hang on.

I want to get a little looper like that. No, you've got to get weird noises in there like, you know. Can you cross her eyes? Can I? I think so. Is it doing it? Yes, it's just slightly off.

It's good. It's like you've been doing comedy a little too long in the road. Do it love, make me a bloody eggnall and come in here and snuggle with me, would you love? Oh, first time to ocean. My girl lives in Plyan. It's so dirty now the beaches in L.A. Well, because you shit all over them. No, I just shit one time in the ocean.

You said twice. Oh, yeah, twice, but the second time really wasn't a shit. And then it sounds like right after you did it, you had like a margarita glass asshole. Oh, yeah, it goes a little salt rim. Salt around. Yeah, you get a little salt rim. It's great. I think it's perfect.

I mean, I really like peeing in the ocean, too. Don't you? Sure, yeah. You don't? You're making me feel like a weirdo for doing it? You know, we have toilets here in America, right? No. Yeah, but when you're on the beach, there's no toilet.

Where's the toilet? Sometimes I pee on the sand, too. I have a technique. You sit like this. You sit like this. You make a little hole underneath you. Yeah. And then you just kind of sit and you pee

into the hole. Into the sand. Yeah, into the sand. Where the crabs live. Yeah, and then a little pea tree grows out of it. That's what you get these beans from. Girl. You never pooped in the ocean?

We had to do it. Let's go. Let's start out your pool. You want to make a date, a poo-in-the-ocean date. Yeah, I dare you. We're going to the ocean. We skip down. the sand we go into the ocean yeah and just let it rip i've been going into the like because she

lives there so i just been walking down to the beach hanging out but it's like i'll be hanging out having the best time and then i roll over and it's like a camera strap and like there's just trash everywhere oh down in los angeles yeah have you ever seen a needle yeah i've seen all types of shit whoa it makes me so mad like i i can't let it go the other day i was walking and it was it looked like there was a whole party they had a whole party and then they just left everything as it was Are you really allowed to be mad when you're shitting in the ocean? I took two little tiny poops. You think my poops are big?

How much big can they be? I don't know. It's the biggest. That I've ever had? Yeah. I've had one that circled the whole bowl, have you? Like a Thanksgiving swirler? Like a swirl.

Perfect. And I was like, I almost took a photo. I have taken a couple of photos of poops for my sister. Did you name it? The poop? Yeah. No, but it could have been like a Bruce or a Gary. It felt good, solid, solid name.

Dashy mouth. On that note, is there anything you want to plug outside of your hole? Hey guys, outside my hole. I'll be at Tempe, Arizona, at the Tempe Improv this weekend, July 20th to the 22nd. I don't know if this will come out fast enough, but I don't have any other dates after that. But can they check? Do you have like social media? Yeah.

I judge, I'm the judge of the finale of, is it cake? That's out right now. that's like doing really well so watch that it's pretty exciting oh cool and then um hatties is on hula you can check that out or all my socials at jade catapreda i'm on thread look me out on thread wow well jade what a treat so good to have you here it was so nice to see you and uh love this has been just an incredible experience bloody smashing love oh my god cheeky fun you're a cheeky guy i'm a chicie girl oh i fucking love it let's do it again someday.

Oh, yeah, love. All right. Here we go. Jade, I'm dyslexic. You say it. Jade Catapretta. And this is the Holland Highway podcast.

Check it away, love. And until next time, everybody, thanks for being here. Chicken Chowmaine. And, uh, cheers, Jade.