The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #70 - AMIR K, Comedian, Actor. We talk fishing, dogs, cops, and rainbows!

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

Comedian Amir K talks about his love of fishing, his love of dogs, and his hatred of getting tickets from the po-po! Sponsor: HelloFresh.com/50harland and use code 50harland for 50% off plus free shipping! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

pulled over for missed my turn to get on the expressway okay so what do you do when you miss a turn harland you turn this fucking guy goes to the car gets me a ticket gives me ticket yeah for a you shape for a you shape you should have said to him you said i didn't make a u turn officer i did a rainbow turn because rainbow turns they're gay racist racist and gay but right because they're pretty much the same shape i would say so you go sir you just made a u turn and go no no no no no, I just made a rainbow turn, Thur, off of Thur. Why would you say it like that, though? Because rainbows are gay.

Rainbows are gay. But ewes aren't. Use are not gay. Use are straight. And if they say that, oh, you can't do a rainbow turn, you could actually have a case in court. Right. And say you guys are. Discriminated.

Gay basher. Yeah. Right. That makes sense. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right. on the Harland Highway Show. Hardland Williams.

I'm going to pop a frosty. That's cool. Is that an official sponsor? What? Waterloo. What, Waterloo? Mineral water? Could be. No, no, they're not a sponsor. It could be.

They're not, though. They could be. They're really not. Delicious water from the center of the earth, sparkling, grape. Waterloo. Definitely not a sponsor. It could be. All right. I'm going to hit the theme music.

I want to hear this. Do you want to hear it? Okay. Tell me when you're set. It's really fun. Okay. That's right. Here we go. Oh, right.

Right. I like that. Really are loud. Ladies and gentlemen, Mm-hmm. Well, now that's right. We're on the Harlan Highway podcast, and what a treat, bro. This is a treat. More of a toll road, really. Is it a toll? Would you pay a toll to be on the Harlan Highway? To get to here, I would.

How much would you pay, though? Like, what's a good, what's the, what would you pay to get on this, this highway we call Harlan? Each way, 275. Like 275 or 2705? No, man, 275. Like, you know, standard toll fee. Or less than what a cheeseburger cost at a fast food play. That's precisely my point, my french. Okay, maybe not the best compliment I've ever received, but it's delicious. But it makes you want to come more.

Yeah. Okay. Now, I'm phasing these down, so if you want to take the cans off, you can. It's up to you. It's a little loud in here. Is it loud? Oh, this is much better, yeah. Is that better?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, the theme music is completely off now. tone right uh folks who do we have here today why i'm asking you you don't know but i do amir k is here thank you for having me how long will yon oh dude it's so good to have you here and the first thing i wanted to pop and drop with is your name has always been sort of a mystery to me okay because it's a mere and then k that's it and we're in hollywood and you've done something that no other entertainer is done and I don't know if it's presumptuous or if it's genius or if artsy fartsy but you just you know we got michael j fox we got samuel l jackson we got William h macy

but you just dropped a last name you just went ameer k fuck a last name fuck it why why wait you know right intro like it's got a ring to it amyr k that's it you know and it was just from the beginning days of open-miking, really. It was? Yeah, people would, like, butcher my last name. Oh, so you actually have a last name? I do, yeah, Harlan, this is a little known fact about me. A lot of people don't know it.

Oh, don't tell me yet. I'm not going to tell you. I want to actually not going to tell your guests what it is. You won't say it the whole podcast? No, I won't. You won't, okay, because I was going to say save it till later, like cock-tees my audience? That's actually the last name. It's actually the last name.

It's a coctase with a K. Are you cereal? Amir a mere cock-tees. Oh, dude. I guess. I guessed it on the first. You're good. It's good.

It's really good. He's really good. Well, here's the thing, because whenever I hear your name, like, it takes me out of it being a name, and it reminds me of other things. Like, there's a whole list of things that your name reminds me of, right? Shoot. Like a mere K, sometimes I think it sounds like a convenience store. Like a special K? No.

Circle K. No, it's sort of like, yeah, we're out of butter. Someone run over to the Amir K and pick up some butter. I've never heard this. You know what I mean? No, I haven't heard this. See, this is why you need to hear this. And then I also think it could also be a weapon, like a machine gun.

Right. Like get the Amir K, there's someone out in the backyard. Like, fucking load the Amir K up. Let's rock and roll. These are the things you're thinking of when you see me on the lineup. Yeah, I think of this. I've never thought of this. I've never thought of this.

And I never thought that you would think of me in that way. I know. It's weird. It just comes to me. And then I also think you could also be like kind of a therapy slash seminar. Amir K. It's like, try the Amir K method. Are you troubled in your life?

Are you anxious? I like this. Come for the Amir K seminar at the Grand Hyatt Ballroom. If you wake up in the morning and you look at yourself, in the mirror and you see yourself as anything less than a soldier you are not equipped for the struggles of life did i just get a mere kade i believe so for free you can also yeah you can oh wow i feel like that's the seminar huh yeah dude that's exactly see but if you can dude i love the you know what i love is those those those like guys that go on these like podcasts like this and they

music behind it. Yeah. Can we do that? Yeah, some Amir K, um, like, some Amir K, um, session music? Yeah. Yeah. You could just do like rants and the shit doesn't even make sense, but it does. Yeah.

If you look at yourself and you see yourself as a chief or captain of some sort, that's fine. But this is a huge butt. I'm talking Kim Kardashian mixed with Iggy Azalea, but. Huge but. If you see yourself as a king, emperor of swords, you cannot be bestowed with the gifts of enlightenment. Thank you, Amir K. Because the ego coming from ergo,

the loin of the god, is preventing you from realizing your self-work, which is not enabling you to get the bestowment. of eternal bliss for example Roland

may I call you Roland like if I call you Roland we can agree it's the same as Harland but the wars

jumbled around a little bit right but if you get upset with me since I call you Roland and not

your given name which is Harland you can understand that you are not able to accept the fact

that you are less powerful than me. Does it make sense? It's really quite simple, actually. That's Amir K. This is a good method, bro. I think this is a good method.

I'm glad I signed up for your lecture series. Would you come back? I don't know if I can afford it. 275, motherfucker. That's what you paid to get on the Harlem. That's right, maybe the Arlen Expressway. Back to commercial. Oh, speaking of commercial, that's another thing.

The Amir K, it's like an infomercial. like, the new amazing Amir K, takes drywall studs out, chops vegetables, and will seal a hole in your roof. It's like, kind of like a wonder thing, the Amir K. A wonder tool. And there's more. Yeah. The more is shave your dog.

And take your cats for walks. The Amir K. The Amir K. The wonder tool. So these are just some of the things that go through my head. I love that. that but it's it's just a fascinating name and every time i see it i have all these associations with that that's pretty cool have you ever has it been a tough name to carry around has it been a burden or is

it a is it a bag of fun it's a bag of fun for me really because um you know in the beginning like the reason i did choose a mere case how can you get serious here but so dude tell me about uh i know you have a dog. We got to talk about dogs. I know you love your dog. Let's get into it. What kind is it? He's a wiener dog, dachshund. He's the best, man. I've had it for 17 years. Wait. Like the longest I've ever had a dog, Doogie. And he's the best. And I mean, I have like material about him. People love. But at 17, is he an invalid? He, you know what's funny? He's like, he's had two back surgeries, like, it's a pretty serious ones. Oh, so he's a weiner dog that can't get erect. Yeah. He can't. He's got problems. You know, he's got erectile dysfunction, I guess you'd

say. And his back legs are super weak, which is get real sad, you know, because you see him, he's a lot slower than he used to be. But sometimes he still acts like a puppy. Well, the good thing about weiner dogs, when their legs go, you can just roll them. Yeah, they get those little wheelchairs. Well, no, they're just, they're shaped like a weaner, so you can just roll them down the street. Jesus, you don't have to walk them. Jesus Christ. When you're shaped like a tube, you just, hey, take a a wing nut up for a roll. That's right. You could do that.

They're very little legs. What's wrong with his legs? Now I'm sad. I'm sort of sad inside. Over the years, you know, when dogs get their elderly, they kind of their muscles

and their back legs kind of tend to give out a little bit. And so, I mean, he just gets tired really easily, you know, like if we go on a walk, you can't go very far.

But if our wiener dogs, I don't kind of ever associate with being overly active. Oh, he used to be. Not jumpers or sprinters. He used to be a sprinter. not bullshit. He used to win. When he was a puppy, like nine months old, he won. There's a wiener dog races in Huntington Beach where I used to live. Okay. They had this place. It was like October

Fest. It was like this old like Germany village type of thing. Perfect. They would do weiner dog races. Yeah. He was like a champion. He used to run with me. I had a beach cruiser like a little bike. Yeah. And then I had a basket for him that I put him in and ride him down to the beach, but he hated being in the basket. He just always wanted to be running alongside me, like running. Wow. And I'm going full speed. And he's just like, this little midget guy. Yeah. And he's just bombing next to me.

And people would be like, get put him in the basket. That's so, that's so mean. But he just loved it. And he was jacked. But in a way, didn't that sort of contribute

to wearing down his joints and his legs? He kind of, that was way before he had the first surgery. So then that was when I lived like near the beach and we'd go and do that all the time. And then I'd just take him to the dog park after we moved up to L.A. And he would just go to the dog park

and play around and stuff. Wait, how many surgeries has he had? He had two. And like the doctor, because they have this condition sometimes, they're back for so long. He had a degenerative disc disease. Oh, my God. Yeah, so they did one in the doctor.

It was so expensive. How much? $7,200 for each one. It's like $14,000 for both. Wow. And how much did he cost? I don't know. I think it's maybe $1,500.

Back in the head. Maybe not the best weaner in the best. weaner investment i've ever heard not a good beaner investment at all yeah no but i i still have this joke i go uh i just had to get my dog a seventy two hundred dollar surgery what the fake tits ain't cheap you know and that's a quick little one that i would do you know just a quick little treat just a quick little yeah i still slide it in there people know this one I thought it was quite fun And that's a

That's a quick little one Just almost like a bonus treat Almost Just a little one, you know Yeah Yeah And then it goes on I had bits about his back

Surgery I had bits about it Wait, I want to hear about it I can't I mean you got to look at the bits It's weird to do it on the podcast You know how that goes Well No I don't

Like what if we did it as a Like it was a A whole conversation about it? Like instead of doing it as a bit, like... Okay. I mean, what? I mean, can we try it? I'm interested.

Well, your dog got tits. You're the host. Oh, no, it's not about that. Then I talk about what really happened. What happened to the guy? So he, yeah, we had a slip disc in his neck. Oh, no. Yeah, so we put him down.

I don't know. No, I did. didn't wait he had a slip disc and you put him down yeah by the way and i haven't had a dog for about 10 years but i tell people i do oh you do so you don't have a dog he's not fucked up oh god that's really it's really more of it yeah yeah so all these people think i still have a dog did you did you did i don't no i do i do do he's oh he's still he's still there he's only six he's only sick what he's not seven he is okay you have a confusing dog super confusing like a rubic's dog it's like as confusing

it's like as confusing as being on the harland expressway but wait does he know does he know does he know tricks because i'm sorry i'm asking i love dogs that's why do you have do you have a dog i've had dogs yeah i've had three or four dogs over my life so but does your guy do some tricks he does he does like he he would do this thing where if he's on the couch i'll go dick dig dig dig and he'll like he'll do this on the couch yeah and then he'll he'll shake hands he'll wave whoa pretty cool i can show you videos he does the wave he does the wave but he doesn't do i you know how i don't know if you've seen the wiener dogs that like get up on their back hind legs that's not good for their backs yeah your dog can't do that no he's an invalid he doesn't even have a god i taught

my dog this this stupid trick um have you ever taught that dog would play Dad? Yeah. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50%

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Don't throw your back out. I haven't taught Dougie, but no, I've seen that. It's the dumbest trick because, you know, when you think about it, the only time in life that you ever play death, is if a grizzly bear's coming, right? Right. Like, that's all you over here. Oh, there's a grizzly bear, play dead.

Yeah. So here I am in Los Angeles. I don't think there's any gris in Hollywood. No. And so here I am wasting my time teaching this dog to play dead for what? No use. You know? Yeah.

And why do I need to teach it out of play dead? I live in L.A. I can take it out for a walk and it can get hit with a drive-by on any given day. It's real dead. It'd be dead for real. I get it, Harlan. I mean, that's a conundrum we've all dealt with. I think living in L.A.

People don't get that. Hey, everybody. Check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com.

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You name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harblen.com. today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the, the groovy images coming. Yeah. And before we got on the podcast, guys, if you're listening to this, Harlan had an ant farm outside, which is the only thing you could find at a Harlan Williams studio. Yeah. Is an ant farm. And he kind of told me how. It's a weird, it's such a weird morbid toy because it's, well, is it a toy?

I don't know if it's a toy more so of a little prison for ants. It's like you order it and they send you this ant farm and then they send you a little tube of ants and it's, uh... And the ants come with the toy, so you don't go and collect ants that you find naturally in prison. Right. These are bred to become ant farm captives. Yeah, they send them in the mail.

Whoever gets ants in the mail, I do. sure you believe it can you imagine my delight when i go to my mailbox and there's a little package of live ants yeah most people are trying to get ants out of their house and i'm i have them coming in and just shoving them up your ass well i don't remember that part but it was a little itchy one night it's a good way to get him this god god hey harley can we talk about fishing a little bit oh hell yeah bro i know too we can talk by the way we can talk about anything you want And just don't think I didn't hear you say conundrum a few minutes ago. And I know that's your last name probably.

I know you're dropping hints. I am. By the end of it, I'll have said my last name and you have to guess. I want you to do that. Somehow, like, slip it in somewhere and I'll see if I can pick it. But conundrum's the front runner. But fishing, come on. Talk to me, guy.

Yeah. Talk to me gently. Talk to me sweetly. So we were both in Florida recently this last week. Yeah. And I was in Naples, and you were in Tallahassee? I was actually in the city just south of Naples in Harry. Oh, okay.

So you were in Harry. Yeah, but anyway, I was like, I saw you post some, I saw you post some videos of some redfish. Oh, yeah, dog. And I've never caught one. I was like, what the fuck? Oh, you. Luck suck.

This is dope. Like you're fishing. And I figured you were around the area I was at because that fish is native to that area. Yeah. So I was like, is he in Louisiana? Where the hell is he? Yeah, I was down Florida way. That's so cool.

But then I was like, okay, and then I went and I had to fish in those waters ever before. Yeah. And what I've been starting to do since I fish so much is like get on a charter and connect with somebody that fish is. Yeah, yeah. And they took me out for snook. Oh, yeah.

Snook's a big Florida fish. Yeah, and that was a go-to. Do you eat them or do you catch and release? That was a catch-and-release type of situation. But they did have like mangrove snapper that we caught, but, you know, I wasn't going to keep anything good. Yeah. on the road there, so I couldn't process it and all that.

What is it about the fishing that you like, though? What is the rush? What is the fascination? What is the thrill? Well, I like being by myself out there. You know, I've got a little tiny boat, like a little bathtub, a little Boston whaler, 16 footer. Really?

Yeah, and I just go out and go to Catalina Island with it. Keep it down here in like San Pedro. Oh, a 16 footer and you feel safe going out to Catalina? Is that a little intimidating? You're on the open water? I've been caught in some weather sometimes, but it's very seaworthy. The boats, Boston weather is very seaworthy,

but it's a very small boat. But if I pick my days when the swell is low and the wind isn't up, then it's very calm. It's like a lake and I just fly there and then fish for the day and come back before like afternoon winds pick up. Yeah. And I'll be okay. We've got to go, man.

I've got to take you. I'd love to go. But we'll go on a bigger boat. We'll go on a friend's boat. Okay. Yeah. Is it a therapeutic? experience for you to fish or is it connecting with nature or is it to get away or do you really

zero in on conquering man versus the fish i think all of the stuff you said i like to do it's like you know after being on the road and the hecticness of traveling and all that shit then when you get home i just jump on the boat and go out and fish and there's something about being out there with just the water and everything yeah and it's just like you're by yourself and you see how vast like the whole i mean it's you're so fucking little yeah in this like you're on the edge of a map and and you're just like, you can see water till the fucking horizon. Yeah. It's so crazy the feeling.

I was going to mention the water because the water, it's humbling. There's an energy to the water, especially when you're on the ocean. Right. It's, it, there's that salty air. Somehow it feels different when you're breathing it. It feels different on your skin. There's a, there's a connectivity. The ocean almost sort of feels like the pulse or the heartbeat of the planet to me.

And so when you're, when you're around, you're really like connecting with mother nature in a big way i feel the same way and i have to be around that like you know when people want to move to like fucking austin or someplace i'm like i gotta be around like a coast really yeah i just have this connection to it i don't know that's beautiful yeah i just like being around the water knowing that it's around you know even like living here like you go up to the mountain or even here you could see like you know yeah the ocean and you're like okay there's some like i don't know yeah something to me i love it too and i love them i love the moment where you're sort of, you know, playing cat and mouse with the fish.

And it's such a, like, like, you know, learning all these techniques and the nuts and, like, you know, what the fish do and, like, thinking like a fish. And it's like that, that chase is so fucking cool to me. And it's like, you know, targeting a specific species of whatever and figuring it out. And then also, like, processing it and cooking it at home. Do you cook? Do you cook the fish? Oh, yeah.

Are you good? I'm pretty good at it, yeah. I smoke it. I do all sorts of different. I make savages. I make all sorts of different things. Sashimi. It's so good, man.

We got to go and we'll do like a little catch-and-cook. How big are your rolling papers? Pretty big. Wow. Yeah. Hard to smoke a fish, huh? Oh, I'm what's going to say, but... It doesn't stay lit.

It don't... Oh, God, yeah. Spark it out. Spark that trout up, bro. Smok and trout. You know, it's great. You don't really have to roll them as a flounder. You don't even need papers.

You just roll the fish right. up because it's flat like paper. It's true. You just smoke it raw. Sparkandja. So you've never caught a redfish? I've never caught a redfish. And they're delicious too.

They're delicious and they're feisty. They fight like they're really good. You got to get into a red fish. Yeah. So where the area that you were fishing, would they just come around in schools or do you have to like? Sometimes they school and sometimes they're just solo. But they're kind of shallow water fish.

They sort of like the grasses. They like grassy areas and marshy. So do you sight fish with, can you see them and you throw like a bait to them? Sometimes you can see them, but I don't, I don't like to see the fish. I like to guess where they are, you know? And you use lures or using live bait or what do you use? I use mostly lures for that, like silver spinners and stuff like that. Yeah, they love that, but sometimes I'll use some cut bait.

Cool. Have you ever gone fly fishing? I'm going to Colorado this weekend and I'm, uh, Jay Larson, you know Jay. The cartoonist? The comedian, he hooked you. Jay Larson, shout out to Jay, hooked me up with a fly fisherman, like a guy that does guided trips. Oh, you've never done it? I've never done it, no.

Oh, dude. It's a whole new level. Is it? Have you, do you say you? Oh, yeah, I've fly fished. It's a whole, it's a whole new level of fishing. Do you have it down or is it? Yeah, it's not like that.

It's, it's like this. It's a really weird whipping action. All the years of. And it, yeah, of fishing. And it's just, it's so, it's so different. It's sort of like. um regular fishing is sort of like uh like a minivan and fly fishing is sort of like uh like a rolls there's a there's a real finesse to it it's sort of like more the artsy and what's really great

about fly fishing is you're connecting with nature normally you're in a boat or you're on the shore with fly fishing you're standing in your rubber waders in the fish's element right so you can feel that water we were just talking about you can feel it rushing around your legs and you're in it with them so there's a real energy and it's it's beautiful now that motion when they keep going back and forth is that to dry the fly before you throw it on top of the water so it sits there no what's that what's that what's the so so the repeated motion is unlike a normal fishing rod you've got your your your line encased and spooled in the casing so you're just whipping it out with a fly line you've got 20, 25, 30 feet of line just laying on the ground.

Right. And so you've got to literally learn how to whip 25 feet of line back and forth in the sky. That's to keep on extending it, extending it to get to the spot that you want to hit. You've got to keep it airborne until you see a spot you like and then you release and it flies and the fly lands on it. And then the fly dances on the current. It looks like a real fly. Right. And then they just hit it from the bottom. The fish come up. Usually, you know, the nice trout comes up and you get to see them hit in.

You're only usually in about like four or five feet of water. And it's just, it's amazing. And then you reel it up and you're in their element. So let me ask you this. So when you're doing that and you get the 25, 30 feet of line and then it hits the water. Now, that fish isn't going to like pull, drag like an ocean, you know, like you're out in the ocean and it's like taking like 100 yards of line or something. Right. You're just playing with that 25 feet and you kind of reel it in. No, no, you're still on a reel. You're still on a reel. So it can take, it can take out line too.

Okay. It's a thicker kind of weird density to the line, but you're still on a reel. I got you. But you've got that initial 25, 30 feet that you're sort of using as a whip. I see, I see. And what's really fun about it, you become a marksman. Like you're on a river and you see a log and there's a lily pad near the log and you go, I want to drop my fly.

right in front of that lily pad, and you get to the point where you're like, you just, you become a marksman. That's so cool. And it's so fun. Yeah, like that structure you want to hit perfectly. You hit it perfect. It's so perfect. And you can't believe the life that the flies have.

Like once they hit the current, you'd think they just float down the river. Right. But somehow the buoyancy of the fly and they spray and dip stuff on it to give it extra float. Yeah. And what you don't realize is when you get in those eddies, when you get in those currents, those pockets, they don't just drift. So when the fly lands on it, the fly just starts going like that and it starts skating all over.

And then that's the reaction that causes. That's the water causes that. It's just the buoyancy of the fly and you're not working it. It just starts moving in the water and the fish just go boom. And you can see your fly just sitting there moving around. You can see it. Okay. You can see it.

I'm looking so forward to it. Oh, you know, it's a whole new level of fishing. You'll love it. You've got to do this pot. There's a podcast called Cast and Crank. Okay. Crank. Yeah.

Cast and Crank. Amir. That's your last name. Casting Crank? Oh. Also, a kitchen like an infomercial. It's the new casting crank. The new cast.

There's a podcast called Cast and Crank that my buddy Nick does. You got to do it. Is it all about fishing? It's a fishing one, yeah. You talk about, like this, you talk like this to the guys in that world, they'll go nuts. I got so many fishing stories that make your pubic hair go straight. Give me the craziest fishing story. The craziest catch, the craziest thing that happened. Hey everybody, before we go any further, I want to tell you

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Harland and use code 50 Harland for 50% off plus free shipping, okay? Hellofresh.com slash 50 Harland and use code 50 Harland for 50% off plus free shipping. So there you go. Get over there to HelloFresh and get those fresh sweet groceries coming right to your door so you can make those sweet, yummy meals. Hellofresh.com. My crazy fish story is I went fishing for a sailfish in Cavo and hooked into this giant fish and it was, there was like a hurricane coming off the coast.

And so we were rolling in waves and it took me like probably less, probably about 45 minutes to reel it in. Oh, wow. So it was a big one. It was big. It was 160 pounds. Okay. Nine feet long.

Wow. And we were, everyone else had gone in because the hurricane came. So here's what happened. But you were like hooked in and you were fighting this thing while the storm's rolling in? Well, here's what happened. We were, we were out in the thing and the waves were getting bigger and bigger. And the captain says to me, he goes, Mr. Williams, we have to go in. The hurricane's getting too close.

Yeah. And I said, let's go in. And as soon as I said the word in, it just hit. So now we're out there. And I'd never hooked into a fish that big. right so my arm went numb after about like 20 minutes like I never fought it and my arm and I literally had to get the captain to come down right and he had to reel for like 10 12 minutes and then when my arm came back I jumped in and finished it so that was wild that was insane what about you

what's your craziest fishing story like dude I caught it like I went to SBI this is a crazy story this is a guy that I fished with he's like insane this yeah and um you know he's a persian guy and there's no persian guys that fish there's none you know like yeah how come maybe there's a few like they hit me up actually on instagram when i post something they're like oh my god you fish too because you're from the desert i guess i'm from the desert i would imagine you know you're an immigrant you know you know how it is i'm persian yeah you're persian you know what what goes down just a couple immigrants a couple of persian guys talking about fishing came here for a better life came here for a wife and a life some rice some spice spice

That's nice. I like flies. I like lice. I've eaten. I think we lost it, guy. We were in the zone, and I think we lost it. I just was no rhyme in the right. There's no rhyming left in our life.

Life. Crapes. So tell me about your nutty fishing story, guy. So I get to this guy's babo. We meet on the water. There's a crazy Dorado. The Dorado are actually coming around, Mahi, mahi, mahi. Yeah, yeah.

They're starting to come around now, and it's getting crazy. Like, they're starting to hit the patties off of San Diego and stuff, but they're coming up north. And when they get here, it's that fishing, we've got to go do that. I've always wanted to catch the, my gosh. Just so people know, it's also called a dolphin. Dolphin, Dorado, Mahi, mahi, mahi. Yeah, why do they have so many names?

I don't know, man. There's like 10 different names depending on where you're at in the world. Like a bass is just a bass. A trout is just a trout. What is the mahi, my, you get like 30 different names. I don't know, but it's, it's called something different everywhere you go. And they're really weird looking fish because they're really thin, but they're beautiful, like turquoise and yellow and blue. And they change colors. When you

catch them, they pull out, they change colors. And they're just so fun to catch because they'll do the acrobatics and jump out of the water and stuff. And they're so fun. And last year was the best season we've had here. I don't know because I haven't fish that long, but they said in like the last like 20 years, it's like the best it's ever been. Whoa. And so they're coming around now. But, um, the point. The point was, I met this guy, this Persian guy, it was like crazy. And when it gets, like, crazy off our coast here, every boat that, everyone that has a boat that fishes is out on the water. So it's like a parking lot.

Yeah. So we're out there. That's no fun. I don't like that. It's not fun. That's why I go during the week. Like, if we go, we'll go during the week because the weekend, it's all the weekend. Warriors are out, you know.

Yeah. He's got a boat. And, like, people don't know what the fuck's going on. Yeah. Anyway, I go out there and it's like this crazy Dorado bite. and then I see this guy in his fucking little ass he's got like a 16 foot little

you know it's called the sea dory whatever it's like a little it looks like a dingy amongst all these big boats this guy comes out like total like pirate looking motherfucker you know just like going across everybody's lines you know and just like he comes out he's like shirtless he's like

fucking it looks like he's been in the sun for like 5,000 days you know just like black oh looks like a drunk Kurt Russell type of guy yeah exactly like the fucking one one eye Overboard. Overboard.

That's the movie, yeah. And he comes out, and he's like, and I see the guy, and I've seen him on Instagram, and I go, hey, Puriya. He goes, hey, what's up? I go, I'm in here. He goes, oh, yeah. And so we meet each other on the water. And he's just crossed everybody's lines.

People are fucking yelling at him, cursing that, and whatever. And I'm like, oh, this guy, this guy's a lunatic. Like, he's fucking crazy. Nuddy Fisher. Yeah, anyway, we just get to talk in. And then I invite him to a show. I go, once you come to a show, you know, whatever, he'll come to an improv.

This fucking guy. I don't know if you know Craig Cohnett. He's a comic. Sure. Anyway, he looks kind of like me. This fucking guy comes to the comedy club, and he's talking to Craig Cohner for like 45 minutes thinking it's me. And he's like, we've got to go fishing.

Nutty fisherman. Yeah, exactly. And the guy's like, and Craig's like, yeah, man, I like fishing. And he doesn't know why this fucking weird guy's talking to him. Anyways, I come up and I go, Puri, what's up, man? He's like, oh, shit. Oh, I thought this was you. Whatever.

He's fucking, you know, not all there. Yeah. Anyway, he goes, let's go fishing. We'll go to SBI, which is Santa Barbara Island. Catalan is 25 miles. Yeah. SBI is fucking 60 miles off our coast. Whoa.

And he wants to go in his little boat. And I don't know. I think this guy's like a seaworthy captain. He's looked at, you know. He's been doing it for years. And he goes, let's go, dude. I get there. And it's his little fucking 16 foot boat.

No. 60 miles off the go in the night. Harlan, we're going in the middle of the fucking night. And I don't know because I think, oh, this guy knows what he's doing. He thought he was a seasoned like sailor. Bro, we get on, we get out there. and we're going and I'm just not thinking anything and it's like no radar this is a fucking like sin

to go out in the middle of the night with no radar stupid and yeah it's very stupid and I don't know this until like I'm starting to go this guy fucking doesn't really fucking he's a he's a wild man like he's just going so we start going and we get to fucking SBI and I'm telling you the best fishing I've ever had every different we caught fucking ling cod

we caught reds we caught a halibut we caught I caught a black sea bass on a big ass fucking like 80 pound black seabass on a jig. Whoa. Just jig fishing. Yeah. And then the craziest fish that I caught was on that trip was like a 42 pound yellow tail.

Whoa. That was like, that's a huge fish. It's enormous. Yeah. And I mean, and Yellowtail is probably my favorite fish to eat. Yeah, it's delicious. Just like sashimi that or. Oh.

Did you keep it all? Oh, yeah. That one we did. Yeah. I mean, that we went all the way out there. And there was other guys, there was a guy that's like on my kind of slip where I keep my boat. Yeah.

He's got like a, I don't know, 42 foot. something and he sees this out there and he's like what the fuck how did you guys get here in this little fucking thing you know and then the way home so anyway that was like just a fun trip but on the way home dude it was like hairy as fuck like i don't know how we got back like we were getting tossed around like we'd go like you know we'd go like a mile but we'd get pushed back from like it's called lumpy that's what they call they got it's lumpy out here wind against current so it was like a wash oh god was like were you worried about running out of gas a little bit i mean I was just worried about fucking not making it.

I'm like, you know, and the ocean's a powerful beast, man. And it could turn like that. It can just turn in a second. Yeah, that was probably the craziest one because I was like, man, we could just be fucking gone. And I'm looking at him and he's like telling me shit. He doesn't even give a fuck, you know.

He's like, oh, if I die, I die, this is my life, you know. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, I got things to do there, uh, crazy sailor. No, but he's, I mean, we're still friends and stuff. He's a little lunatic crazy guy party. Maybe you start to work him out of the roster. Um, did you ever get in a situation where you get it surrounded by seals out there? All the time.

They destroy the fishing. The fish are scared if anybody doesn't know this, but the seals are, I mean, they're super cute, but the fishermen hate seals. They follow the fishing boats. Exactly. And so when you're throwing like bait, if you're using sardines, they'll eat those, you know? So like, if I ever see them around, we just stop throwing our baits in the water. Yeah.

If you just wait, like, maybe 15 minutes, they leave if there's no food. Yeah. But we always keep, like, if we're catching, like, you know, you have bycatch. trying to target like let's say yellow tail you might be catching some bass or some like bonita or something and so we keep a couple of those on the boat just in case you hook into like a yellow tail yeah and the seal comes by because they eat your fish yeah right they'll just fucking take your fish oh they're brutal snatch it so you'll throw like a barracuda to them you know what i mean they're chasing your shit you throw like a barracuda they start eating that yeah diversion food

yeah they're they're annoying as hell um those guys do some crazy shit out there yeah some of those guys that like on the cattle boats like the big charter boats you know oh yeah um like the sport boats they'll like throw fucking hot sauce in a sardine you know and throw it at one of them and then you know freak him out i saw i was on a boat once and i swear the guy almost like pulled a gun out and was going to shoot the damn seals i'm sure they've done it before i sure they have because they're really annoying for fishing and also it ruins their business you know these guys like make their money doing that they'll go to a spot and then these these they learn that they're just going to get fed yeah you know so they just follow the fucking boats they stick to you like glue oh yeah they're

brutal um speaking of critters though have you ever been attacked by a critter like a dog we're going back to dog just a little bit you ever been attacked or bit by a critter have i been attacked by a dog i don't think so no i don't think it i've been stabbed by a stingray here we go stepped on one here we go ocean format yeah what happened i want to hear this i got stung by one i stepped in it I was surfing and I had like booties on you know like you wear booties like elf shoes yeah kind of like elf shoes but they keep your feet warm and when it's cold you know Pacific coast that's colder water okay so I'm in the water and you're supposed to do it's slippers in the water yeah a little slipper in the sand if you will okay and you're supposed to do the stingray shuffle

where you just like move your feet so like it'll like startle whatever yeah stingray or some shit's in the water and I was doing that but something happened where like you know wave came and I stepped up and just in that one step I step on the fucking thing's tail and it just like I feel it wiggle under my foot and it goes and it shoots that fucking barbed thing right into my foot and it was one of the most painful things I've ever felt

so that was the one time I got attacked stepping on a nail yeah oh it was fucking horrible and it was like the pain of that thing and then like I had to get out of the water I thought I could continue surfing or whatever and I'd get out and it's still in my fucking foot it's like an underwater crucifixion almost Oh, it was even worse, you know?

Have you read the Bible? Once. Right. But it was at a Motel 6, so I don't think it counted because the last six pages were gone. Burn marks. My bid, she was the shrouded turin, which was really weird. God, dude. Why do you have to bring that up?

But wait, so how deep in did the barb go? Dude, it went in like a half an inch or whatever. And then I had to go to the whatever, the lifeguard tower, and they pulled it out. And then they put my foot in a warm, like a thing of warm water, like a little bucket of warm water. They didn't piss on it? No, I asked for him. Yeah, because you're supposed to pee on, or is that jellyfish? I think you're supposed to, yeah, pee on the face.

And I asked him, I said, pull it out, piss on my face. And I was yelling at me. I was in such pain, Marlin. I was in pain. Yeah. And I said, piss on my fucking face, a piece of shit. Wow. I think I just wouldn't do it.

Huh. So I pull my own cock out. There I am trying to get a piss going. And, you know, when you step in the water, immediately you alleviate yourself. So I couldn't get a piss going. And I was like, put your dick back in your pants. I said, get it out of my leg. It was a whole scene.

Dude, what do you say? An attack that was wild, that was one. That ended up sleeping with both the lifeguards. No way. That's maybe for the next podcast. But it was a crazy time, man. Young, I was young. Yeah, you were young and you were stung.

Young and stung. You're probably disoriented. Yeah. You know, you get stung with a stingray in the foot. Who knows what you're going to do next? You never know, man. You know, he's a wild night with a couple lifeguards. Were they male or female lifeguards?

They were both male. And so was like a threesome? Well, if you include the skipjack. Oh, wow. One of them brought a skipjack. Did he believe that? Skipjack tuna. I didn't even think we had those.

That's a fish? A skip jack? You catch him and not a very good eating fish. But one guy brought one. He's like, you've ever seen a skipjack. Yep, Jack. I said, what? So he threw that into the threesome? Yeah.

Hmm. It was an interesting time in my life. Oily. Oily, bloody. Yeah. Yeah, they got a big bloodline. Smelly. Smelly.

Where'd this happen? Where'd the... I can't get into that, Arland. The threesome. I've got kids. You have kids? No. You have a dog?

I do. It's like a kid. A weaner dog. A weir dog that you can roll down a hill. God. You're sick. You're sick. Is anyone ever told you that?

No. You're a very sick man. I know now. Very interesting, man. Yeah. Harlan's one of the only guys that I like, if anyone's ever at the comedy club. There's you and like maybe Brody was a guy that I'd make people watch Brody Stevens. Oh, okay.

God, the rest is so fucking funny guy. Brody, yeah. Man, I miss that guy. You know, it's funny that Brody, I met him. I'd never seen him do stand up. And then I finally saw him do it at the comedy store. and six months later he died. Oh, my God.

Oh, that's when you, you met him, you met him. I met him. I saw him perform once. I'd never, I'd heard about him. They saw him perform once. Like, oh, this guy's wonderful. Yeah.

And then I talked to him. I said, hey, I introduced myself. And then six months later, he passed away. But I was, I was glad I got to see him before. Oh, he was the best. Were you close to him? I mean, we weren't super, I mean, I knew him for the whole time I was doing stand-up, you know, hanging out every day.

and every night at the comedy at the comedy store he was always there but just such a funny fucking guy but anytime i'd go there i'd like and i was with somebody i'd like you gotta watch this guy but you're like that too that's what i was saying but oh wow thank you wow he killed himself after he met you that's uh many do many more will more to come hell more to go I'm in the silence for those that will go. Ah, dude, we got to talk hair now. Enough with the fish and the freaking dogs. Let's get into the fucking hair.

Let's get into the meat of it, man. I'm growing mine out for a movie, actually. Are you serial? What movie? No, I'm not in the movie. I'm just watching Godfather 3 next week. So you're growing your hair out? Long hair when I watch it, yeah.

Rick, I did the joke for you, man. Rick Glassman. You know Rick Glassman. That's his favorite. Well, try to block him out as much as I can. Yeah. You're a sick man. Yeah.

But did you get the salt and pepper thing to people use that term on you a lot? I guess. People think I dye my hair. No, it looks, it looks match. Yeah, people think I. Oh, wow, look at that. I think I die it. I want it to be like yours, though, like where it gets like, you know, white hair.

No, no. No, no, hang on to it. Like, you got the salt and pepper going. Yeah. I put, I have the salt and pepper and then I put mayonnaise. No, I put herbs and spices, 11. I actually got the recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken in my hair. This is, isn't it?

Yeah. Smells great. I like that. Yours looks good. You have good hair. You know, you don't, you're not going to lose your hair, they say, if you have white hair. Really? Yeah, you're like a news broadcaster.

What if I just saw a ghost? That's it, man That's why my hair is white I saw a ghost Oh, look at this What the fuck is that? That's my hair in a bag I just cut it today

You keep your hair? No, but I wanted to show it to you Because I cut it today Let me see that That's my hair I cut it earlier I cut my own hair Looks like a fucking

Weimariner cut Huh? A wymeriner I've seen a lot of hair. Isn't that a dog? Nothing like this. Isn't a wine mariner a dog? This is a good quality.

Right? Yeah. You could probably get some money for this. You mind if I hold on to it? You could have that if you want as a treat. I think I'm going to keep it, man. Do you mind? No, that's for you.

We're going to eat good today, boys. You know, you can do with that. You can probably make fish flies with it. You probably could. Old little fish flies. You want to hear a funny story about hair, so you've done. on the Montreal Comedy Festival, right? Yeah.

So years at Montreal Comedy Festival is like the biggest comedy festival in the world. According to you. Did, did, How does he know, you know, in the world? Come on. Sure there's something in Iceland that's bigger. Whatever, go on, go on. Um, but, uh, isn't it in the world?

According to you. Okay. But you've done it. Sure. Did you love it? It was so fun. Yeah. The biggest in the world.

I think it is. Okay. I think it could be. Sure. But you think it's in Iceland? We don't know. The biggest comedy festival in the world in Iceland? I mean, you're saying it is, so we'll go with that.

Okay. But years ago, they decided to open like a comedy museum. And I used to have hair like as long as yours. And I thought, they said to me, they go, give us something we can put in the museum that's yours. And so I literally like pulled my hair back and cut the ponytail off, put an elastic around it and put it in a bag like that and mailed them my ponytail. And I thought, oh, what a treat for them to have Harland Williams ponytail. Right. And then I never, they just laughed.

They thought I was an idiot. And they didn't put it up? No, they thought it was a complete, like, stupid thing. I'll tell you what, I'm going to send this in. And I'll be like, hey, you didn't go for the ponytail. What about a little shorter trimmings? Because that could have been the problem. If it was a little too long, you know, because those displays are only so big.

Yeah. This could fit anywhere. What do people say about your hair, though? Like, what are the comments you get? A lot of girls say, oh, you have such good hair. Why you wear a hat all the time? And it's like, I get that comment a lot. And then people think you're bald when you wear a hat.

you know why do you wear the hat all the time and i'm not a girl but i just i'm sort of now you got me thinking like a girl why do you have the hat i wear the hat to be honest to keep my hair out of my face when i'm performing okay um and when i first started comedy i had short hair and then i just never was used to the long hair and it was just easier like i'm not gonna wear a fucking ponytail you know yeah i'm not harlan williams yeah well i cut mine off in all fairness and mailed it somewhere but but you know so then i just wear it because when i'm performing would get in my face and stuff you know so yeah i do pretty like you go it's quite the transition i'm going to be honest from like hat to no hat like hat and then i'm going to just say

it's got a real truck driver vibe and then that's sort of like a model look is it like you go like from truck driver vibe to like model cop model type of guy there's that one do it well i'm available if you have a truck like i don't want the winking part but i'll go for a truck ride truck rides in harland but there was a guy that was an actor it was an actor it was an actor back in like the 90s p b herman no no he's like an egyptian guy or something And you sort of look like him. I think he was in Deuce Bigelow maybe. And he was in a few movies,

but he had that look, very handsome. Okay. Yeah, I'm just, these are compliments, guy. Thanks, pal. Yeah. But it's an interesting transition. I'm sitting here with a bag of your hair.

Yeah. Finally. I swear to God, I'm going to put this online. I'm going to put on an offer up. Okay. You ever used that app? I just sold some tie.

on there what is it offer up what what is it it's a app where you could like sell and buy shit okay for the old forerunner that I have yeah um you get parts there because it's hard to find stuff okay for the older cars yeah I'm gonna put your hair up on there and I'll tell you exactly what I get for it really yeah bag of my hair huh your pictures and everything up there yeah how much you think it's worth we don't know we're gonna find out I'll start high and then we'll keep going until somebody buys it. For real? Yeah.

I'm fascinated to see how this goes. We'll see what's up. We'll see what the market is for a harlone hair. It's so weird because I just gave you a bag of my, I just gave you a bag of my hair as like kind of a freebie as a gift, as a throwaway. Are you pissed that I'm flipping it? No, I'm excited.

I'm flattered. I'm honored and I'm really excited to see what a bag of my hair like can fetch. Wow. Where do you get a haircut, pet boys? No, I do it myself. Oh, you do? That's why I have the hair. I cut my own hair.

You just, do you look in a mirror and you cut your? I literally have a pair of scissors and I just, I've gotten so good at it. I just reach back without even looking. I cut the, I trim it. I've done it since I was 25. Are you serious? Yeah. You've probably saved thousands of dollars.

I've saved thousands of, but that wasn't the reason for it. The reason was I actually enjoy it. It's kind of therapeutic. and B, I was just sort of tired of barbers not getting it right. Are you good with other people's hair? I'm not going to answer that question. What if I gave you a crack at this, Maine? I could do something good with it, but I think it looks good as it is.

I'd say I could beg to differ. I think a Harlan cut would look nice. I could cut it nice, but I'm telling you, it's a good look, guy. Like, you got a real good thing going on. Cut my hair. Like, if I was a fish, I'd just jump. bump in your boat got my wife god you don't want me to cut your hair do you why that voice cut it up i want to mix out you make a hair salad yeah man cut it up cut it up cut it up i'm gonna go get

it cut man are you really yeah why don't you try doing it yourself the fuck am i an animal it's fun you're out of your fucking mind harlan that's true you cut your own hair there's so many times where bag it up yeah you'll say something and i go this guy's not for real yeah brodie was like that you know well see i could you could toss this in your freezer why would i now why would i do that because it's in a freezer bag why wouldn't you do it is the real question who doesn't want to watch football and have some frozen hair sickles yeah i think i might just glue it to my dog he's kind of losing his hair Yeah, on his back legs.

I can have a Harlan hound. Yeah. Believe it or not, a Harlan hound. And I'll sell it to Ripley's. Ripley's Museum? Yeah. There's one right by my house. Harlan's howlund hound, believe it a lot.

Have you ever been in that place? I used to watch the show. There's a Believe it or not museum in Hollywood. What's the biggest thing you didn't believe there? The cost to get in? Like, how much? $40 to see a statue of. of someone that was like used to be the tallest guy in the world.

They have that? Yeah. How tall is it? He's like almost eight feet tall. Yeah. Giant. Big boy. Yeah.

But now I want to do something with you. You ready to do this thing? It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe. Okay. So here's how it works, Brocefayosh. Hit me with it. This is an authentic Dutch clog, okay? This is from Hall.

Holland and inside are words, right? Okay. And you don't look in, but you just reach in and you pull a word and see if it inspires a story or a memory from your life. All right. You can share with us. Words from a wooden shoe. Genocide.

What? Why? Is that what a... No, it's a shoplifting. Oh, wow. They're close, though. They're sort of spelled the same. shoplifting okay this one this inspires a story okay to bring it back to fishing no please i love the fishing

i love fishing so before i could afford any like like fishing equipment and stuff like that when we're younger didn't have too much money for it and yeah uh my brother and i used to like to fish okay and we would just go to like the local like little ponds and lakes and stuff you know and like just scrounge up whatever little gear little trout rod we could to go fish some bass or carp or whatever it was in that was in that little pond and um we would i hate to say this but shoplifting we would go to like there's a big five or was it no it was a kmart kmart or big five one or the other whatever a mere kmart that's that's last name and we would like shoplift little lures and jigs and so that's yeah and just just so uh we could have something to fish with you really love

fishing i did you'd steal the fish Steal to fish That's the My first special Steal to fish Steal to fish Did you ever get caught though Did you get caught stealing?

We were pretty good at it I don't know We were like young You know, I was so young I mean that's not the easiest thing To steal your shoving fish hooks in your pockets Yeah but they're in cases You know they're like little plastics

What are they? I mean in the big scheme of things I don't think they were worried about little kids Shoplifting hooks You know Yeah Okay Why didn't you just

shoplust, look a damn fish. Did you ever shoplift? Yeah. Well, what did you shower lift, Harold? Oh, God. Well, in Canada, when you're a kid, right? Yeah. You had the winter.

So you had mittens. You'd wear these big fluffy mittens. And when you go into a store, you took them off. But meanwhile, they're like the perfect, like, tube to shove a chocolate bar down. Uh-huh. So you'd go up to the chocolate. bar thing oh look at the lovely snickers bar shove it down your mitten and just walk out so i'd steal little snacks and treats nice not proud of it i am i'm proud of you i'm proud of you for doing that

you're stealing you're just a kid you know you don't know any better you got chocolate mittens fending off fucking moose attacks it's a thing you know you're canadian you know you immigrated over here do you feel more canadian or you feel more american i think it's you know home is always where the heart is. Yeah. So I think... Which is in... I think I feel more like I feel Canadian because that's where I grew up and I was born.

Right. I mean, I definitely feel like I live in America because that's where I live. But I don't know. I think no matter where you're born, where you're from, you have like kind of this connection to it. What about you? So you're more connected to Canada, you're saying? I don't know. It's tough because I...

Where do you feel? more at home like when you land in canada you go oh god thank god i'm home or when you get here like honestly i came here when i was five years old from iran yeah straight from iran to southern california no english no english at all i learned how to speak english harland by mimicking the kids in my neighborhood i'd watch them talk i had a fucking mexican accent for the first three years no swear to god wow and i think for me i i'm very proud of my heritage i love iran i love yeah of course you know everything about it. Yeah.

But I feel American, you know? So that's one thing and I deal with that a lot because I'm not, I'm one of very few Iranian comics. Yeah, how many are there? Probably like a handful, five, maybe. Wow. You know, Maas, Max. Yeah.

Tehran, there's a few of us. Yeah, yeah. Nima, you know, I can name him. Nima. Nema. Naz. He's another one, a young comic, very funny. Very few Iranian comics.

Yeah. Yeah. But you feel more American. I feel more American, and that's the little conundrum, which is my last name. And it's just, because I get a lot of messages, because people want me to be maybe more Iranian than I am. And it's like, that's not my experience. You know what I'm saying? They're like, well, talk about this, do that.

Please do this. I'll do not. But that's not my experience. Yeah. You know, that's a weird pressure to be under. It's a little bit of a pressure. But, you know, I try to do my thing and not worry about it too much. Kind of like you, you know, I'm sure you get a bunch of Canadians going to talk about the moose attacks.

No. What city are you from? Toronto. Oh, that all makes sense now. There's no moose. I thought you were like a Calgary, Edmonton guy. No, that's West. That's Western Canada.

Yeah, yeah, I know where it is. I thought that's like middle Canada, no? That's like the Texas of Canada. What, Toronto? Yeah, no, no, Toronto's the east, and then you got Vancouver on the west, and then you got the Calgary's and Edmontons in the middle, no? No, they're sort of west.

They are still west. Yeah, yeah, that's considered. West. Alberta. I got a fucking pulled over in Alberta, boy. What did you get pulled over for? Dude, I got a rental car. And these guys don't play around a little, what do they call them?

The Mounties. The Canadian Routed Royal Police. Right. And I was on Queen Elizabeth's Express Highway or getting on there. Oh, the QEW, yeah. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Queen Elizabeth's Royal Highway.

Yeah, what happened? Dude, I got a fucking rental car. You know, I'm like, okay, I'm in town for a minute. I got a... Yeah. And I think I was doing a trip from like Edmonton. I was doing some gigs there, and then I was going to Calgary, you know? And I was like, oh, it's right over there.

They're like three hours apart. Dude, I thought it was way closer. On a map it looks closer. And I was, oh, and then how he got there. And red deer's in the middle. Yeah, red deer's in the middle. Yeah. I don't think I've ever done a gig there, but I remember passing through.

Yeah. So I get the car and I'm fucking driving. I go, one of the rules are the rules. I know how to drive in the States. Let me just give it a crack here. So I'm driving. I get in the car, not even fucking two seconds into having the goddamn rental car. Yeah.

I get pulled over by this fucking Royal Mountie, police, Mountie, Mountie, whatever you call. Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Whatever the fuck, their names are. Well, very nice guy. They're mounted. Well, they're royal.

They're police. And so he came up, the most Canadian you can come up. You know, sorry, sorry. Came up with the apology. He apologized. Yeah, sorry, sorry. And I, because I had fucking missed my turn to get on the expressway. Okay.

So what do you do when you miss a turn, Harland? U-turn. You turn. Thank you so much. You're very welcome. He's hitting the right answer. Very welcome. So I'd do the fucking U-turn.

I don't understand that in this, whatever, the fucking area that I'm in, there's no U-turns. And, you know, because the navigation told me to make a fucking U-turn, so I make a U-turn. Right, right. And so the guy goes, you know, you know why I pulled you over? I said, I have no idea. Like he goes, you made a U-turn.

I said, you're not allowed. He's like, not in this province. The only place U-turns are really legal are on Sesame Street. That's what I've heard. But anyways, what happened? So is that a thing that they're not illegal there? they're illegal yeah they are yeah so how the fuck do even know the expression a u-turn well because it's illegal to make them so they say don't make a U-turn it's illegal so in general in

Canada it is illegal it's illegal he tells me and I you know it's not in this province I go what do you mean you don't make U-turns he goes we all kind of know where we're going come on now he said that to me bro and I'm trying to get out of a ticket so I start going I start laughing like I'm you know I want to like laugh at his joke yeah yeah and then he goes and then he goes goes, well, I go, oh, I had no idea. I'm sorry. I'm from the States. You know, he's like, oh, okay. And he sees my ID. And he goes, oh, Los Angeles. Okay. Would you come for the weather?

Another joke, because it's brutal. It's so cold at this time of year. Looks like you found your opening act. I go, so I laugh even more at this fucking job. I'm trying to get out of this ticket. Yeah. And then he goes, then he goes, well, what's going on? I go, well, the navigation told me to make a U-turn. Yeah.

And then he goes, well, the navigation told you to drive off a bridge, would you? dude i fucking go i start laughing even more yeah and the guy's like this guy's fucking insane and he goes hey pal he goes don't worry he's like you know i understand and he goes uh but before you go i got a little souvenir for you oh here we go this fucking guy goes to the car gets me a ticket gives me a ticket oh you didn't bring your french toast no i thought he was going to give me a bottle of maple syrup and i'd be on my way yeah not the case harlong you don't mind if i call you harlong no i love it that's French. That's the French Canadian saying of Harlan.

Harlan. Harlan. Yeah. Alon-Willian, so you please. If you play. So now, what happened next? Did you? Bro, so I'm blowing the guy.

You had a hair dryer in your car? Yeah. Plugged into the, you know, the little... Cigarette lighter. Thank you very much. So I start blowing him. And he goes, what the fuck are you doing? I said, I heard that if you blow the officer, you get out of tickets.

And he goes, you heard wrong. Where'd you hear this from? I said, there's these two lifeguards. And I told him that whole fishing story that I told you. And then the stingray that hit him. And so, you know, we talk for a little bit, and that's it. And you know what he did? He did tell me.

He goes, you know what? If you're not going to drive around here, if you don't plan on getting a driver's license in this province, don't worry about the ticket. Don't pay it. Yeah. But I couldn't. I was like, I don't want to fucking come to do gigs. So I paid the ticket anyway.

You know, because I didn't want to be, like, getting there and trying to get a rental car and then he'd jammed up again. So it was like $180 or something. Oh, that's not fair. Yeah. For a U-shape? For a U-shape. I didn't know that that was a thing, though.

You guys can't make U-turns. Imagine that $180 just to go like that. Yeah. And it was like, it was like, it was right after I got out of the fucking rental car, like the garage, literally. You should have said to him, you said, I didn't make a U-turn officer. I did a rainbow turn. and then see what he said. Because rainbow turns, they're

gay, racist. Racist and gay. But right? Because they're pretty much the same shape. I would say so. Yeah, you turn. When you go, sir, you just made a U-turn and go, no, no, no, I just made a rainbow turn,

Thur, off a Thur. Why would you say it like that, though? Because you're doing the gay pride thing associated with the rainbow. Because the rainbows are gay. rainbows are gay but use aren't use are not gay

use are straight rainbows are yeah and if they say that oh you can't do a rainbow turn you could actually have a case in court right and say you guys are discriminated gay bashers gay basher yeah right

that makes sense it's like I just did a rainbow thur and you're a gay bachelor um is that how they talk gays Canadian no Canadian gays No, I just did a rainbow turn officer, A?

Harlon Williams. Hello, William. I'll tell you what, man. I have done a few podcasts. Yeah. This one? Yeah. This one in particular is up there.

It is? It's just up there with the, like, I've, you know, there's times where I feel like we got our footing. Yeah. And there's other times where you're all fucking wild man, man. Do you know what I mean? But I feel like you have that relationship with a lot of people. Like you never know when you're...

Like even watching your act, you know, you're like, ma'am, could you not do that? You know, like that, it's so funny. Yeah. So wait, you don't think we got our footing? We got a footing. Oh, good. When you start talking about fishing with me, you got both your footing.

You got pudding. You got pudding in a waiter suit. Yeah, dude. You got a set of waiters? I got hip waiters, yeah. They only go to the hip, huh? I can lend them to you if you want. For Colorado?

Yeah. All right. Really? Yeah, they might come back with some stains. I mean, if I had some hip waiters, I'd lend them to you. Right, you don't have you were just saying if I had some, I'd lend them to you. It's all good. You might as if I just check your like,

closet to see if you got any... I don't have closets. Okay. Yeah, I just, I got one of those places at home where I didn't want closets because there's too many skeletons. I'm not a big fan of, if I want skeletons, I'll put my clothes in the graveyard. You know, there's a lot of, a lot of, you know, rectangle-shaped places with bones in it and I'll hang my stuff in there.

I don't need... No pun intended, huh? No. Dogs in there playing dead. No puggy. intended. Bug lug. Would you pull one thing out of there and see if you get inspired by a story?

I know this isn't my podcast. You want me to do it? I'd love for you to try it. This has never been done on the Harland Highway. I'm glad we have a first. All right. Well, let's do it. I won't look.

I've never. Hollywood was the gentleman. Let's see what I got here, guy. Oh, wow. Tripp and fall. trip and fall what comes to mind have i ever tripped and fell i'm trying to think god i don't know if i have the one thing i picked everybody's tripped and fell you have to have tripped and fell or maybe you know i've been on a mushroom trip and did something where you fell or oh i got a great story so i was it

Burning Man one year. Sure. The biggest comedy festival. Right? I went to Burning Man. And I was with this family. I went with this family, right? This hot girl and her sister and the sister's friend.

And the father came. He was this older guy. Okay. And the father decided to get, like, be naked the whole time. Like 24-7 pretty much. He was naked. in front of his daughters and everything. And then one night we just decided to go out hiking and stuff.

And some people probably smoked a little weed, not me, but the people I was with. Sure. And we came on upon a fire. There were some people standing in the middle of the desert in front of a big bonfire. And for some reason, this father guy, he was like walking in front of us. and he tripped, and he just sort of, like, lurched in front of us. Like, he didn't go down, but he was one of those almost perpetual falls. Like he just kept kind of going and going.

Like biting up a staircase? Yeah, like it went way too long. Right. And not me, but the people I was with were a little high. Yeah. And it was just one of those things that triggered us, and we just laughed. Like, we couldn't stop laughing for about 45 minutes. This guy just so.

Dick out and all. No, he was clothed at that point. Oh, I thought he was naked. He was naked for most of it. But for this point, he got his clothes on. But he just did this lurchy kind of thing. And it just for some reason. That got you going.

Yeah, it just made me. That's a great story I thought for that. That is good. Because I was thinking, have I ever tripped and fell? And I couldn't think of one. But this guy was hilarious. Buddy, before we go, will you please tell the folks where they can see you on tour? Amir's an amazing fucking.

homick here okay yeah and uh also you do um do you do acting as well i do some acting yeah like can where can they go can they go to your website can they go to your social media they can go to my website all my social media is at amir comedy so okay you can just find me at amear comedy dot com for my tour dates i'll be in uh los angeles i got the improv coming up doing my hour there i usually do that once a month um i got colorado coming up i don't know when you're going to put this out but i got Colorado, Fort Collins. I got Minneapolis coming up. I got Chicago coming up.

Damn. I have some East Coast dates. I can't think, but just go to Amircom. You can find it there. And then Instagram at Amir Comedy. I post clips all the time. You do? Okay, good.

Go on there and check it out. Dude, thank you for coming on the Harlan Highway. Do you want to put the phones back on because I'm going to hit the theme music again? Let's hear the theme music. Ladies and gentlemen, Amir K, we don't know his last. name we don't want to know it you're never going to find out and this has been the harland highway podcast buddy thank you so much buddy i had a blast thank you for having you thank you we got to go fishing happy fishing and enjoy the hair thank you see how much you get and uh folks thanks for being here

amir k check them out go see him do stand up go to his social media go to his stand-up shows and until next time, chicken chalming, baby.