The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #72 - ADAM CAROLLA - Actor, Podcaster, comedian, writer, producer, on shoplifting, ants, knock knock jokes, and wordsmithing

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

Adam Carolla goes off on shoplifters, butter ants, knock knock jokes, and wordsmithing. (if that's even a word?) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Because, as my late, great mom said. Aw. Yeah. She said, was she a parrot? She said. Ah. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show.

Harland Williams. All right. ready buddy yeah are you sure you don't look ready i'm a little hot could you pop me down just 20% or something you're a little hot mic wise i mean your earphone how's that yeah it's good is that better mm-hmm great so you weren't ready you said you're ready and then i just sort of you proved that you weren't ready have we started harley yeah okay but i'm ready so now you're ready Now I'm ready. So officially I should hit the theme music now.

Yes. Mm-hmm. Well, now that's right, ladies and gentlemen. You on the Holland Highway podcast. I do guarantee. I'm doing a Cajun voice. Do you like Cajun? Cajun what?

Cajun voices. I'm doing a Cajun voice. Now, I do guarantee. Ooh, boy. I do, uh, yes, I have an affection for the Cajuns because when I was young, every third song that discussed rambling, because a lot of 70 songs were rambling. They're always heading to New Orleans to see their Cajun queens. So there's Cajun Queen and New Orleans.

And I was like 13 and living in North Hollywood. And I was like, I don't know what either one of those two things are. I couldn't find New Orleans on the map. And I've never met a Cajun Queen, but that guy sounds like he's having a hell of a time. Now, when they say Cajun Queen, do they mean like, some kind of woman decked out in Mardi Gras? Or did they mean like a guy dressed like a queen? Like, what do we?

I never really broke down the game film that far. I just know. Maybe should have. That he was a guy who rambled and he had women stashed, you know, basically all over the country. Whoa. Stashed like a serial killer?

Yeah. I'm not sure. It's unclear. But he would show up. He'd have a roll in the hay without. but then he had to move on wow he'd have a roll in the hay with them i wonder if you ever had a donut in the hay with them oh yeah no you're thinking dinner roll right i was talking well well this it's a metaphor for having intercourse oh so why didn't you just say he was

fucking him in the hay it's it doesn't sound as eloquent and i'm sort of a word smith okay i didn't know your last name was smith see that's that's again it's it's a metaphor i mean it's a it's a it's a It's a colloquialism of shaping words. It's a what? Colloquial. Colloquialism. And you're a word smith, you said? Colical.

I have to see it right now. Maybe just to smith. Colloquially. Yeah. I don't know how you spell that. How do you spell that? Well, let's not start the show off with pressing. I know how to spell it, but they don't.

You don't want to show off. Yeah. But Cajun. Okay, good. I'm glad you like a little spicy Cajun. What I want to do, though, buddy, because you know everything. I told you last time you're one of these guys.

You know everything to me. You're like the great and powerful Oz. Like I even have a poster view in my bedroom at home. Like when I pull my curtains at night, I have a picture of you with green face. Really? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Thank you. Because it's just Adam knows all things. So what I wanted to ask you is, bro, have you ever shoplifted? Mm-hmm. When and where? Young age, you know, 12, 13 or 10. I was right around the way you were, time you were looking to ramble down to New Orleans.

Yeah, given some of my Cajun Queens. Candy. Candy. Candy. Candy, 7-11, you know, 10 years. years old chocolate bars do you remember specifically an item that you just had to have i remember two things is it is it pertain to um shoplifting okay um i had a large army coat like a big big army surplus kind of baggy cammo camo it was just green i think but had big pockets and big baggy pockets like

Like a Rambo coat one, like when Rambo was going across that bridge into the mountains, that opening shot. Denahey told him he'd give him a ride to Portland and then he saw him in his rear view, turn around and start walking back across the bridge. Okay. That jacket. So you're like a 7-Eleven Rambo. Yeah. No, no, that was a Topper's supermarket in North Hollywood, which doesn't exist anymore.

Okay. But I also, for a small period of time. Did you say Toppers? Toppers. In North Hollywood? In North Hollywood. Well, also a sex act in North Hollywood. Yep.

Have you ever had a topper? I've had a roll in the hay. In the hay. Yeah. With the topper. So I had a top hat. Okay. No, it was like a bowler or something.

It was a top hat. What are you? A gentleman shoplifter? I say good man. Look over there. Yeah. I stole all my monocals. Yeah.

It wasn't a top hat. It was a, I guess I called a derby or bowler or something like that. Aren't those from the 40s? Probably earlier. Sort of a Laurel and Hardy, you know, kind of hat. You were like the comedy thief? Yeah, I had that hat. I remember wearing it for a little while.

And, um, look at the chocolate bar. Laurel and Hardy. I remember going to the 7-Eleven and Van Nuys. Yeah. Oh, gang country. And I took, yeah, not back then. Yeah.

And I took candy and I put it in a hat and then I put it back on my head. You had candy on your head? Yeah, I think some is still there. Also a sex act in North Hollywood. Candy head? Mm-hmm. Yeah, she's good. Whoa.

All right, so here's where I'm going with this, bro. Mm-hmm. You dressed up like a clown, like Laurel and Hardy, like Rambo, you made shoplifting fun. It was a costume pageant for you. It was Mr. Dress-Up. It was like, oh, Rambo's going in to get a Snickers. Oh, Oliver Hardy's going in for some Pringles.

Oh, candy heads going in for a popsicle. Cut to now, bro. Bro, Saffyosh. $982. You can go on a stealing spree. In any store in California, you can walk in, steal in front of the employees, in front of other customers, and just walk out with as much as you can grab, no costume at all, just as you and go out the door and it's all legal.

It's like a ticket now. Right. What the hell is going on? And not only that, they passed a new law where employees cannot stop, said thieves. from leaving the store with stolen merchandise, that which in turn means that if you try to stop a thief, then you're going to jail or you're getting charged with a crime for stopping someone committing a crime.

What's going on? The world's crazier than Forrest Whitaker's left eye right now. Yeah. What is happening, Guy? Well, we, these are sort of progressive policies. Yeah. And progressive policies put too much faith in humanity. Explain.

They go, look, people will do the right thing. Oh, yeah. We will provide clean injection zones where people can use clean needles discreetly in San Francisco. And we rely, you know, we don't want to make prostitution illegal because, because we don't want to vilify or incarcerate these women. We, you know, a lot of people, a lot of people, black and brown kids, aren't achieving the math test scores that we want. So we're going to lower that number.

Right. We're making a lower number. And they don't realize it's, it's humanity will stay on the straight and arrow or we will go fucking off the rails in pure Sodom and Gomorra style. you let us do it, do it, we'll do it. Yeah. And that's what you, that's what Los Angeles and Portland and San Francisco and Seattle is like, leave the homeless alone, let them live in dignity.

Okay, now we got a problem. Yeah. You got a huge problem. So, you know, I was funny. I was doing this bit a little bit on stage as I was trying to work it out. Yeah. Because I grew up around, I grew up in Los Angeles and I had a very sort of hippie mom. Okay.

And, like, just before you get to how, like, how hippie? Like, what are we talking? Like, flower sundresses, smoking the gonja, listening to Hendricks. Mostly hippie and that didn't want to work super angry all the time and always talking about how much better Europe was than here. And housework naked, like vacuuming nude in front of the kids. No housework. No, no, no housework, just welfare, just hang around and angry.

Nude in the house. In front of the kids? Yes. You saw your mother nude all day? No, but I'd like to move on with this story. Well, I'm just trying to piece you with an answer. Well, I'm just trying to, you know, sounds like a hippie. Some hippie mothers breastfeed their kids well into their late teens.

Oh, I didn't know that. So I'm just looking at your mouth right now to see if you have nipple lips. I think you, how old are you when she stopped breastfeeding you is what I want to know about the hippie mother? That's too young. I don't remember. You being honest now, Candyhead? Yes. All right.

I don't know if I trust you. You're a thief. I'm going to attempt to finish the story. Oh, sorry. Yeah. I grew up hearing about, you know, in Europe, in Europe, in Denmark and in Sweden, you know, they let the children drink wine at the dinner table, you know,

and everyone walks around nude and there's no rape, you know what I mean? There's no. And then in Denmark and in Sweden and in Europe, you know, it's all this stuff. And I started and they always said, we should do that here. Right. You know, whatever they are. They've legalized prostitution. They have prostitution zones where people can go.

It's safe. And in Denmark, you know, in Amsterdam, they have a red light. And I always wanted to say to them, that works in a kind of civil society. Right. I was going to say we're animals and I came up with this demarcation line okay which is in those countries and societies yeah where let's just say it's Halloween okay and on Halloween there was always that house on the block that they were out of town or out for the evening and they'd leave that plastic pumpkin and be filled with candy and they'd have a note just limit yourself to one piece please

right yeah i said if you live in a society where nine out of ten kids who show up at that house just take the one piece and leave then you can implement these kinds of ideas we america our society is the first kid shows up dumps the plastic pumpkin into his pillowcase and takes all the candy the second kid shows up sees there's no candy in the pumpkin takes a shit in the pumpkin takes a shit in the pumpkin and then the third kid drop kicks it through the living room window.

Well, doesn't the third... If that's our society, then we can't have any of this. But doesn't the third kid look in the pumpkin and go, Mm, milk chocolate and think he got fresh candy? Oh, Harley. Well, it's, I mean... So scatological. Well, it's dark.

There's only a candle in the pumpkin. You would know. That is not a tootsie roll. Well, here's what's interesting. I love it all you picked Halloween, where it's always Halloween at 7-Eleven. for you. Right. But here's the thing. As soon as you said that, the word that popped into my head, I went, daintiness. Those countries over there, there's a daintiness to them. There's society. There's,

there's a good morning. How are you? You know, almost like a, almost like a Norman Rockwell. Good morning. How are you? Oh, a chocolate. Thank you. But here, we're too animalistic. We're too primal. America's got this kind of, kind of take, take, take, exactly what you said. So now I feel like this system they set up for shoplifting was probably set up for people in need, people that didn't have means, maybe spent the night where they didn't have something to eat. So why not set up something where maybe if they have to do this, it's $50, $60? Do you know, even on your best day with your black credit card, your American Express, have you ever gone in and bought $900 worth of groceries?

No, and it's so funny when you hear these politicians, like AOC's like, so a mother goes in and steals some bread for her hungry children. It's like, is that what we're talking about? Yeah. I didn't see anyone stealing a bag yet. They're stealing flat screens. Furniture and electronics. I know.

You know? Like bags of Nike's and jewelry and diamonds. It's a free-for-all. All these policies are just, they are doomed to failure. But when and at what point and how much do we have to pay the law-abiding citizens? And by the way, wasn't it the almighty creator God that said on engraved in one of the tablets, thou shalt not steal? Like should some like cheesy politician up in Sacramento supersede the word of the

Holy Lamb, Lord of the host, God all creator, God mighty Lord Jesus, sweet Jesus, Lord, what I do you know the rest of it? I don't know. Listen, we're such idiots, especially California, especially Los Angeles. Like every once in a while, hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a

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about it. And it's like, I'm an atheist. Maybe I'm agnostic or atheists. I have no religion never did you were a word smith i never come from anybody who's ever been at church a day i've never been a church i have no interest in it yeah i still want the goddamn sorry for using the lord's name in vain i still want the goddamn ten commandments in front of the library because i want people to follow the ten commandments should you be used in those in the same sentence the god damn that's the word smith gives me the license to do that harle well more of a condemned word smith now that's right So you see how wordy you are at the gates of hell trying to dock your way out of eternal brimstone. Don't kill or murder, really is what it is.

Don't do not covet your neighbor's oxen. Like, don't do any of it. And we'd have a much better society. Well, here's what's really pinging me is it's like, okay, let's say you got the downtrod and you got the homeless. And you got to feel sympathy for them. Sometimes they do need something. But then what if the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the woman or the man, the blue collar housewife or the man that's got four kids,

he's working at 7-Eleven or he's working at the mechanic shop or she's a cashier at Walmart. And she's getting like two grand a month to feed the family and pay the rent. And she sees these people walking out with armfuls of stuff, $900 at a time, which I think once they leave the store, they could go back in and do it again. It's not like there's a time limit. By the way, who even cares with the dollar amount? They're just stealing everything they can steal.

There's no repercussions. But what I'm saying, at what point does she just go, you know what? I'm doing things the right way, but yet I'm allowed to do what they're doing. I've got four kids. I'm putting in, you know, 80 hours a week.

Why don't I just do that? Like at what point are people going to start feeling like a chump for not taking what's available to them. And then you go, well, when do the laws break down further? Like, when is rape? You know, okay, you can't, you can rape, but only for 20 minutes. The priest can molest the boy, but only for 15 minutes. You can murder the family, but only two of them, depending on the side.

You know what I mean? You start watering down the laws, and what happens to us? well we cease to be a society right we start to come undone and this has been going on for a long time in this city for sure and in this state because and by the way we we get what we deserve because we vote in insane people like if you hear the city council i just heard a couple of months ago a woman on the city council was

they were discussing making it a felony to if you had more than 10 catalytic converters in your possession or something because you're you're dealing catalytic converters that are being stolen

off of everyone's car half the people I know have had their catalytic converter ripped out of their car this woman is against this and she blames Toyota for making them too easy to remove from a car. Now, if you have that kind of thinking and they're making policy, then your city is doomed. Yeah. You cannot have people who think that way

creating policy. L.A. is one of the dumbest cities on the planet in terms of policy. I mean, you think about what we just got through. We just went through COVID. Yeah. We had a one insane haggard witch and her daughter who's not even a medical MD set policy for one of the biggest cities in the world and we just listened to her. Who was that? Barbara Ferrer. Oh. And whatever her and her Yenta friends on the city council decided, that's what we did.

But whether crushed businesses or hurt kids or destroyed the economies or, or was, was based in any signs whatsoever was all neither here nor there. We let a hand, we let a gaggle of crazy yentas shut our city down for two years and we all just sat there and took it. Except for me, you said a bunch of shit about it. And then everyone yelled at me. Yeah, yeah.

By the way, you pussies need to apologize now because I'm right about everything. But go ahead. Yeah, but here's the other element that plays into this, which is super frustrating. When you get the voting ballot sent to you in the mail, you know, all the politicians, and it just says the party they're in. It doesn't say if they support shoplifting, if they support this, if they support that,

you don't know who they are outside of the main governor whose name you hear every day. You probably don't know 99% of the people listed on the voting ballot. You don't know what their stance is. You don't know what they should have is some kind of thing on YouTube where you can go in and watch a one-minute or two-minute teaser clip of the said politician running, going, I believe in this, I don't believe in that, I'd believe in this.

So you know exactly what they stand for. All I... And you can be informed. All I would need is just a brief little reminder, like under this woman who's running for city, whatever. Yeah. It would just say, bitch who blamed Toyota for people stealing. cattle at a converser. I'd go, oh, she's nuts.

Right. Okay, not voting for her. But that's the thing. Nobody knows. I don't even, I didn't even know that woman's name. The average person is too busy on TikTok or eating at McDonald's or at their job. They don't know the names or policies of, and so you're just voting blindly if you're voting at all. Yes. And it's just such a messed up system. And that's how we get these nutty people on both sides of the aisle that are making these horrible decisions, I feel and we just all got to live with it yeah listen i agree i would just vote republican if i lived here just it's never going to work but at least their policies aren't yeah aren't insane yeah yeah i mean

depending on who you are i i've not affected by their policies yeah so then i would so what what do you what what's the what's the forecast for people like in this country what what what do what do you say is like like where's it all gone where does it all end what what what's your vision of the future with all this kind of stuff um safe spaces and octagons uh you're just going to have to head i'm i'm going to have to move i'm going to have to go to texas or florida or nevada for real yeah well i don't want to live in this fucking dumpster fire anymore like it's a shit show there's homeless people everywhere it's a mess we're not something there's something wrong with la and there's something wrong with California. They've stopped governing correctly or effectively.

Yeah. And they need to admit they were wrong. Look, I don't want, if there's another pandemic, I don't want a crazy, gypsy witch lady locking my kids out of their school and telling me I can't leave the house. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't even want to risk that. So do you really technically have plans to get out? Are you looking into it? 100%. Really? And do you have a, you have an exit date um i i i would always joke that uh i will be attending my kids high school graduation in a u-hall i will i will pull up and watch it from my u-hall wow wouldn't toot on the horn and leave hopefully your kid graduates and he owns the starts a moving company that'd be perfect right yeah wow i doubt it wow wow wow crazy wow wow

so what okay so that's you but what do you think regular folks do that are trapped here they don't have the means to leave like how how does the system like the what has to happen which is a sad sort of state of affairs yeah is when i say to people when is this going to end like i've lived here my whole life i've seen all the bad policies and what they bring yeah and then everyone says we haven't quite bottomed out yet like we haven't we haven't hit bottom we're getting close we're not quite there yeah and then i say i don't understand why we have to hit bottom before we start enacting some change you know what i mean like you let's say you have a son and he got a DUI and you went down the few weeks later and you saw his car was all scraped up yeah

And you found some, you found some methadone in his ashtray in his room. And he found, do we need to wait until he flatlines before we seek rehab for him? Or could we go, hey, son. Yeah. I see where this is heading. Yeah, yeah. It's not a good place. As your father, I think we should really talk about a program before you flatline.

Or do I have to wait until we have to fucking call the paramedics? Yeah. But that's who we are. So why is, why is everyone so, like, naive to it then? Why are people just letting things flatline? Because, as my late, great mom said. Aw. Yeah.

She said, uh, yeah. She said, was she a parrot? She said, uh, before, um, I don't know, it's like Gavin Newsom was running or getting recalled or something. Yeah. Or Larry Elder, who I like was running. And, and she just went. I don't know who this Larry Elder guy is,

but Gavin Newsom, Democrat, and that's how I'm voting for. And I'm like, all right, but his policies are all bad. Right. Yeah, but he's nice. This is the conundrum. He's a nice guy. Yeah.

Do you know that word conundrum? Oh, yeah. What is it? It's a, you're asking me for the definition of conundrum. Yes. A confusing choice. Okay.

Correct. carry on well you look you set up your wordsmith I got a fact check as I go along I get you and you're doing great thank you've nailed everything yeah

but yeah this is the thing people that goes back to what I was saying people don't know who these people are what they stand for what their policies are they don't really care and this this this state and this city are so goddamn dopey

But they're really just kind of set in their ways, and it's really kind of sad. But do you see it spreading like a cancer across through the whole country? Like I think it's already in New York and Chicago. Well, those cities are all like ruined. I just think the other places, people are just going to move to Florida and move to Texas. But is there a point in America where this kind of governance is like it has a foothold here. You can't fight it even if you want to, regardless of how stupid and how flat, lining it is. So is there a point where this sort of contamination bleeds into the rest of the

country and as astute as the other citizens are, they're powerless to stop this approach, this wave of our stupid governing. And it fills their states up. And soon the whole country's just standing there, okay, I guess this is us now. I think what it's going to do is it's going to continue to encroach sort of with impunity on all the already blue cities, you know, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, the dumb blue cities are going to go further in that direction and get worse and worse. And then the people that move to the redder places where there's more law and order and less, you know, regulation and stuff like that, they're going to have a strong

visceral reaction to anyone who's trying to pitch the shit they fled in. Sort of like, you know, Cuban Americans are pretty conservative people. And you go, well, Hispanics traditionally vote, you know, for progressive. Yeah, but not Cubans because they understand, they know what it's like to live in a totalitarian to be suppressed. They know what it's like to be suppressed. So they don't vote, you know, for. the governor who wants to lock down the state with COVID,

they vote for the one who wants to open the state with COVID. So the people that have experienced it and got like a front row seat to it will move on to places that are more hospitable to them and they will reject it when it tries because the whole thing about that's sort of, it's called a progressive movement. It's got the word progress and movement in it, you know, that's my word smithing. Yeah.

Showing it. Oh, unbelievable. Yes. Unbelievable. So you tell me what part of progressive and movement would ever suggest that they're going to stop or slow down or pump the brakes. They move on to their next crazy crackpot insane idea and they move fast. But that's my point. Progressive also means like somehow, but whatever means, even if people move to a state that doesn't share the same ideas,

I feel like all this radical stuff is sort of forcing its way, creeping in, progressing, as the word says. And yeah, you can resist it and go to this state and go to that state because they can't get me here. But I feel like those walls are coming down where it's almost like this mold starting to grow across the surface of the country. It's really scary. Well, I think what it is is people are now on to them. and we weren't on to them. But they're onto them, but to what effect can they stop it? I feel like they're onto them and they're like,

oh, we know what you're doing. And here comes the mold. We know what you're doing. Yeah, we don't like that, but they're letting the mold consume them and grow over them. It almost feels like it's weird. It's like that old invasion of the Body Snatchers movie where it's like, oh, you know,

and it's like everyone's becoming, it's strange. Well, I was funny. Because I was talking to Dr. Drew about this yesterday, and I said, it's really, they move. You're saying mold. It's like, to me, I said it's like Ivy, where you see it's like at the bottom of a house or something. Creeps up. And then like a few months go by and you just see it's crept up a little bit. But if you come back in four years, it's taken over the side of the house.

That's what I mean. But it takes a, it's so slow, it's so incremental that you don't see it. But I told him what. what COVID did is it sped it all up for me. I got to watch the Ivy go up the side of the house. I got to see how these people work in real time, in fast time instead of that because I've been here my whole life. And the way they work is this weird kind of everything is super slow and it takes a long time.

But COVID fast tracked it and I was like, oh, I see how you people operate now. So it was kind of eye opening for me. Well, it was also this too. It was also an exact. might be even in nature the ivy understood the rules of progression it's like okay photosynthesis and growing we're allowed to creep up the trunk this fast but then all of a sudden the ivy just went fuck mother nature and the rules and we're going to go up this fast and we don't care who's watching and we don't care if everything else is going you're not allowed to do that

but they just blatantly it feels like rules were broken and agendas were pushed yes to to but i'll tell you I'll tell you what I so here's what I think yes finally I think I asked you this about 28 minutes ago please most we are at a deficit the the progressive movement people versus whatever you want to call libertarian republican whatever they're at a deficit yeah word a deficit and the reason we're in a deficit is because our goal is to just be left alone yeah we my agenda is a non agenda I'm like to raise my kids, take care of my house. Pursuit of happiness.

Live and let live. Yeah. Their agenda is get very involved with you and your life in terms of regulations and everything else. You should be going there. You should be doing this. Yeah. It's not, you know, you're saying homeless or it's unhoused.

You know what I mean? Here are my pronouns. Like they're trying to control everything that comes out of your mouth and every thought that goes into your head. Right. My word of deficit because we are saying, I just want to be left alone. Yeah. So anyone has had a crazy neighbor, and I've had a few of them.

Yeah. Always gets the shit kicked out of them by their neighbor because my goal is to never have an interaction with the neighbor. Right. I'm not going to, if the frisbee goes over the fence, I'll hop over it, grab it, and jump right back into my house. If my branch is growing into their yard, I'll just trim it and throw it back into my yard. That's my, if, if, if their stereo is a little bit loud on a Saturday night, I'll just put some cotton in my ears and if I'm going to bed early. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if they, and we've all had these neighbors, they, are looking for any excuse you. Excuse me, excuse you. I know you guys are enjoying yourself in the pool, but my son is taking a nap and I know it's four in the afternoon. But do you think you could get, if that's what motivates them, you're ruined. you're ruined and that's that's what i'm saying to drew i'm just the neighbor wants to be left the

fuck alone but you want to get all up you want to get in my grill you want to tell me everything and here's a new set of rules to follow in the state you live in so we're always going to get our ass kicked by these people because we don't want to do we don't want interaction we don't want policy change on them you know you're yelling at me right i am yelling at you because i'm motivated So we're always going to get screwed. Are you toning it down now? Yes, I'll bring it down. I mean, I was feeling a bit threatened,

almost like a crazy neighbor coming at me. Yeah, what's with all the knocking, bro? That's the neighbor. He wants to know what you're doing. Do you think it turns out you're maybe the crazy neighbor? Is somebody in your yard smoking a cigarette? Because the wind, because I can smell it. I can smell it.

I'm in my home. I have the screen. The windows open, the screen is down. Is somebody, man, somebody's smoking a cigarette. Is somebody in your yard with a cigarette? It's coming into my,

my son has asthma. I bet your neighbor, I bet your neighbor's great at knock, knock jokes. Who's there? Let us. Let us, too. Let us in. It's cool.

You don't knock in the middle of a knock knock joke. For a word, It's called a knock-knock joke. You know, if you're going to be a wordsmith, at least know the basic knock-knock jokes. Have you ever done that with your neighbor? Have you ever gone over and be the con? Would it be the confranteen?

Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. You've never gone over. Never. Hey, you know, listen. Never. Never. Come on. Never. Not once. Never. I've had a million crackpot neighbors bang on my door, but I've never. Okay. Well, let me ask you this. Have Zer.

ever been one doing let's say some guys revving as harley at three in the morning 20 feet from your bedroom window has there ever been a scenario where you wanted to but you just didn't leave the house because a you didn't want to be that guy or b you didn't have the courage i have wanted to do that 2,000 times so what's an example what's an example of one of those moments where you were just like Oh, I'd like to go over there. You know. Who's there? Lettuce.

Let us in. It's cold outside. God, I told you the first time, guy. By the way, how's your arthritis? You just beat the shit out of your knuckles. I know. My hands are fucked up. Yeah, neighbor.

There had to be something, or you were just like. Yeah, I mean, I've had them thrown the fucking party with a live band. And it's, you know, 1 a.m. and you hear the base thumping and stuff. And I would love to just go turn it down or whatever. But it's like, or shoot it up. They're having a party. Shoot it up.

Shoot it up. Yeah. They're enjoying themselves. I'll put the pill on my head and go to bed. No, not you. Oh, yeah. Okay. I have never bought a lottery ticket.

I've never been in a car accident and I've never gone to a neighbor and told them to do anything. Wow. Have you ever rolled around naked? with a priest? Oh, yeah. Well, three out of four ain't bad. Yeah, not bad. Huh.

But only for 15 minutes. He didn't want to get in trouble. Yeah. In L.A. Yeah, it's legal for 15 minutes. Yeah. Thank God he was fast. Earlier when you were yelling at me,

when you were coming at me, your eyes were almost watering. Were you about to cry? Like you were very impassioned? No. You think you were getting so, fired up, you, you were almost bringing yourself to tears? No. Well, even now, well, no, even now they look a little glassy. Well, I don't know. Maybe I don't. Are you on the edge of tears?

Well, now I'm thinking about it. No. Okay. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at hardbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print.

And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming.

Well, as I said to you, buddy, my guy Adam, like you're a guy you always seem to know everything about everything. Like, I'm not saying that as an insult. You just, you're a knowledgeable guy. I would never take knowing everything about everything as an insult. Good. And I always feel like I can go to you and get answers for almost, I don't think I've ever stumped you.

Not that I'm trying to stump you. I actually love it that I can throw, A topic at you, and you have, somehow you have the answer. So I wrote a few down that have been kind of nagging me. Let's do it. And I thought, Adam Zachary Carolla and his crazy knock and knuckles could probably give some insight into this. All right. Here we go.

Why do eggs stick to the end of the spatula, even after you put them in the dishwasher? Oh, when you're cooking like scrambled eggs? Yeah, and then you put it in the dishwasher, it comes up, and there's still that crust on the tip of the spatula. Hello? Yeah. Excuse me, why? Well, first off, you exist off cocoa buffs, right?

You don't make eggs. Well, why is this an issue for you who's never made eggs? Every now and then. You buy the chub pack of breakfast box cereals. Yeah. Do you know, by the way, those boxes can be used as a bowl? yeah you can you can they have a perforation down the middle and you pull them open how poor desperate can you one be that can't afford a trip to ikea and a couple of cereal bowls maybe this though

those little mini boxes of cereal what what constituted the whole shoplifting rule because people are so poor they're eating out of a box i guess if you're camping even then all right yeah don't deflect i'm deflecting i'm deflecting i'm defleck i'm defleck i'm I want an answer because it's bugging me. I, I, okay, it's mostly plastic spatulas. Yes, metal spatulas, things did not adhere nearly as well with the old school stainless steel ones. Now, the old school stainless steel ones are when we used to use iron skillets. Yeah.

But now we use Teflon Pan. Okay. And the Teflon Pan will be marred by the stainless steel spatula. So we use a kind of plasticy, rubbery kind of spatula, which is porous. Okay. And the proteins of the eggs. They get right into that part. They latch on to it.

A barnacle. A barnacle. And then the dishwasher weaponizes the eggs and it clings, it bakes it. It's like a kiln. And it bakes on and clings even harder. So you got to go old school. iron skillet. Okay.

Those are the best. The Teflon stuff's not good for you. Get an old school iron skillet and get an old school stainless steel spatula. But now the payoff is now with the old iron skillets, the eggs stick to the iron skillet and not to the spatula. Yes. So I don't want to be scraping my eggs off the iron skillet. I'd rather they stick to the plastic spatula. And I don't know.

I'm just, you asked why, I gave you the answer. Dude, you totally illuminated me because I never factored in the material of the spatula, but somehow the egg, and I feel like it's mostly the yolk, is adhering to the plastic because if you ever spill yolk on a table or anywhere, when it hardens, man, that stuff's like, it's almost like, didn't they use egg yolk tempora to tempera to, to do paintings back in the Renaissance days? Weren't a lot of the paintings mixed with actual yoke?

That makes sense to me. Not something I'm aware of, but I'm not going to argue with you. If you ever get your hands on a Rembrandt, throw it in the oven for half an hour and make a souffle. I love that band. Well, you know what song the Rembrandt's song? Yeah. Boy, I'd love to sit down with you and just kind of flambay the Mona Lisa and make a nice, beautiful continental breakfast for you we could just eat her stupid grinning face he's always like

this i think the rembrands sung and created the theme to friends oh is that right i think that's the band the rembrands rembrands but are you a fan of the mona lisa with that stupid shit eating grin she has no she's not even hot what did she do what what what happened the minutes before that picture was taken. Where's she's this? Natkin Cole has a song called Mona Lisa. What's it about? Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, men have named you. Are you trying to seduce me, bitch? Yes, I am. What the fuck guy? I want a box of cereal when we're done too in my refractory period. No bowl. Have you ever had sex and sprinkled Rice Krispies on your wife's area.

And during the momentum, you get snapcrackle pop. Oh, yeah. The next question. Well, I wasn't finished. I had to get to the milk part. All right. But now I feel like maybe. Why don't ants eat butter, guy?

You ever leave anything you leave out on your counter, if there's a dollop of jam, if there's an old steak, if there's a drip of honey, no matter, if there's cereal, you leave anything on the counter of those little brown, the little browns that come L-I-L-Dash-Brown, they'll swarm it, they'll eat it like army ants, nibbling nutmead off of Leo Sayers' left testicle. But as Leo Sayers did he sing, I just want to stop? No, he's like, you make me. feel like dancing.

I feel like dancing. Yeah, that guy. That guy. I thought he had a slow, I thought Leo Serr said a slow one too. Yeah, he probably does. Anyway, but butter, when you leave butter on the counter,

ants everywhere, the ants do not go near the butter. They don't touch it. You never see one even near it. And it makes me go, if ants aren't eating, like an ant will eat a dead bird. Right.

It'll eat carrion. It'll eat. decomposed meat right but it won't eat butter something that we ingest daily why the hell aren't the ants eating a butter if you don't mind me busting into a cage and eggs they once again child you know I have heard that if you sprinkle like flour or chalk I guess it's chalk or something like around the dog bowl that the ants won't go across it ever hear that what about just put butter around it well that's what i'm saying i'm saying you said powder no what i'm

saying is is there are certain things that ants won't do maybe because of the texture of it versus the caloric properties of it or whatever whatever's involved with it like excuse me isn't butter one of the smoothest, velvitous textures on planet earth? I happen to like it, but there's maybe something with ants that has to do with it. So an ant will eat an old gumdrop in the crack of your couch, but it won't have velvety, delicious, Irish, yellow dairy butter? Well, I don't even, I'm not necessarily signing off on your premise. I think if I took a stick of butter and put it on an ant hill,

they would devour it. Put it right beside the ant hill and then put a dollop of jam beside it. they won't go near the butter corolla and what if a homeless guy just happens along with an english muffin and sees this offering and goes my looks up to the heavens and go god it's so great he sees butter and jam on the ground is a dry english muffin that's all he has and he just sees this and he thinks it's an offering or what if it's your aunt and then you solve the whole problem now the aunt does he buy next question well next question Getting a little first yelling and now pushy.

Okay. You know what? Have you ever had your arm fall asleep? Mm-hmm. How come when your arm falls asleep or your leg falls asleep, it doesn't snore? Mm. That's good. I don't think that requires a response.

You're right. That was kind of a trick one. That was your, yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh, here we go. why isn't um rock paper scissors just called i'm gonna knock your ass out hold on peace buddy yeah it's a little you know i i like we're going with this yeah um i like rock paper scissors because it's it's very on on point it's it's on the nose i've never understood it

to be honest i well it's it's it's a good way to settle uh who's riding shotgun on the way to Vegas you know it's a it's a it's and and by the way we need rock paper scissors now more than ever we do oh yeah why because nobody carries coins anymore yeah but we carry guns this is america but they don't rock paper scissors i win asshole used to be able to flip a coin rock paper scissors the coin i win again motherfucker i think that's poor form to point your fingers your guest simulate a gun into you have been kind of yelling at me and getting aggressive we're getting off point okay sorry people no longer carry change when i was a kid if there's a dispute about who got this or who did that some adult would just pull a coin out and go all right call in there you know what

mean? When's the last time you left the house with actual change in your pockets? That's true. So we can't settle disputes with coin flipping anymore. We need rock paper, scissors more than now, more than anything now. Okay. Number one. Number two, I do like the name of it because it's on the nose. It's like the word sleeping bag. What is a sleeping bag? It is a bag that you sleep in. Or it's an old lady that fell asleep in front of the television. That's true. But I could say duvet cover, and you don't, many Americans wouldn't know what a duvet cover is. But they know what a toaster oven is.

Yeah, that's true. And they know what a sleeping bag is. And they know the game Rock Paper Scissors. Now, you could say to them, do you know the game, Mumbly Peg? And they'd be confused. Depends what funny little bar you're in. But rock paper scissors. Did you say Mumbly Peg?

Mumbly peg. Yeah, I think there's a few bars down here in West Hollywood that knows that game real well. I mean, you know what Mumbling Peg is? I don't want to know. All right. All right. Now, let me give you an example. Rock paper, scissors.

Okay. It's thriving. Okay. Every kid knows it. Yeah. What is the game called, however, where you do two papers. I took my hands, I put, I stretched them out. I put them, there's a, you put your hands on top of my hands.

Yeah. And the person on the bottom tries to slap the hands out of the top. Is it pinnacle? Now. Slap happy. Nobody knows the name. It wasn't given a name. It wasn't?

Nobody knows the name of this game. I've asked a million people. I go, that's sad, slapy, the hand, you know. Yeah. And you go, yeah, you've played this. They go, yeah, a million times. I go, what's it called? And they're like.

I think it's snackle. Peanuckle, he knuckle, penuckle, pinnacle, pinnuckle, yeah, well, don't give me that look after you just did peg me mumbles or whatever it is. Penknuckles a card game. What was the one you said just the mumbly peg?

Yeah, don't give me mumbly pegs when I'm doing peanuts. He knuckles a card game. Well, I'm tired. Wow. What are we doing here? What a wordsmith. My point is, is rock, paper, scissors. has a name, everyone knows it.

The hand slap game didn't get properly titled and now no one knows what it's called. All right. Now, I just noticed because I'm an observed, when you went like this, one of your pinkies is jammed. Hold your fingers up. Oh, I'm this hand.

Look, hold them up for the camera. You're, that pinky won't go down. On your other hand. Yeah, my hands are fucked up. What happened? But that one's locked. that one's locked like you're like the you're almost like the witch from snow white with that finger no that one look at would you see the surgery from this one what happened

major surgery too much pinnuckle or what mumbling peg what was the surgery for i have uh ruined my hands through boxing and construction and you know many other endeavors over the years Can you mumbly peg? Do you know what mumbly peg is? There's some bars in what's Hollywood. You're going to let... You know, you just said you've ruined your hand,

and ever since you've been here, you've been knocking all over this wood. Who's there? Do you think you know where it's coming from now? Who's there? Okay, let me see. We're going to wind this up here. Oh, here, this one, come on.

Where do birds sleep at night, right? There's something like 20 trillion birds. There's like a million birds for every... human okay it gets dark shouldn't you see birds landing on window ledges and on your branches and on your picnic have you ever seen a sleeping bird anywhere have you ever seen a squirrel take a shit or even come across squirrel shit or stepped in squirrel shit i have seen squirrel shit you have yeah i haven't physically seen it and i'm dying to. I'm saying there's a squirrel in this town for every bird.

And birds, I can't, my car won't make it two days without bird shit. Right. I've never found squirrel shit on the hood of my car. Oh, okay. They're trees. They're doing the same thing the birds doing. Yeah, but squirrels, you know, at nighttime, they go to their little nests. Not every bird has a nest.

I'm, I'm, where the hell are they sleeping? I think they all have. a nest. I don't know, dude. It's a valid question. Like seagulls. Where do you ever go to the beach? There's no seagulls at night.

They're not there. Where are they? Check into the motel six. Where are the seagulls? Do you think the seagulls were formerly like a proud bird of prey? Yeah. And then they started just eating French fries out of dumpsters in Santa Monica. Yeah.

And there's old like elder seagulls used to go, we used to soar with. We fought with eagles, and now these lazy, oh, they go down to the pier and they eat curly fries out of a dumpster. We used to hunt. Oh, we used to dive into the ocean, and now they're in the mall parking lot eating a Panda Express sweet and sour spare room. Right. Now they're picking junk out of the garbage can. Next thing, you know, they're going to be going into stores and shoplifting, $900 worth of merchandise. I'd snatch a whole trout out of a lake.

and with my talons, you know? Talons. Yes, they must be looking at these young seagulls, just going, look at you. Seagals don't have talons. They have webbed feet. Ospreys and eagles and hawks have talons. They're raptors.

They're predatory birds. A seagull, all a seagull could do is slap something. I was trying to paint a dramatic picture. I was trying to paint a dramatic picture. For a word smith, I think you've got to do a little better. Well, I didn't know. No, I was going to be literally checked on every one of my discussions. When you say it right off the top, you're a wordsmith guy.

I was speaking as an elderly noble seagull. What would that seagull sound like? I say there, old boy, free! I'm just saying seagulls. Yeah. Look, humanity and curly fries and McNuggets and dumpsters have only been around for about 10 minutes. I love it.

Seagulls must have been around for two million years. Dude, I was... What did they eat? I was at Arby's the other day, and there was a seagull in front of me picking up food. I'm like, eh, and it's like... Drive-through? Drive-through. Oh, wow.

I think seagels would be great at the Peanuckle with their webbed fingers. Yeah, but not good at Mumbly Peg. And by the way, it's not called Peanuckle. Pinnacle's a card game. Well, what's Mumbly Peg? That's an ass game. mumbly peg is when you put your hand down and you take a steak knife and you go as fast as you can through your fingers. It is?

Yeah. Oh, that was in the movie Alien. It was a scene in Alien when they did that. Oh, right, right. All right. Let's do our final bit, buddy. I know you love this because you were here before. By the way, this is Adam Carolla's second visit to the Harlan Highway.

Thanks for coming back, buddy. My pleasure. And you know what? Before we do this, plug your podcast and your stand-up. and I know you're writing books and Adam does it all, man. Come on, tell the folks where they can get in touch with the kid.

You go to Adamcrawlett.com. Yeah. Find out live dates. Tell them about your great podcast. You're one of the pioneers of this genre. You can hear the podcast for free. Yeah, just go to Adamcrawler.com. Everything's there.

Okay. Kind of not as rooh-ha-ha as I wanted it to be. But, I mean, word smith, yes, cheerleader. Fuck off to hell. I don't like blogging my own stuff. Well, I want you to because it's important and you're good at what you do. You're great at what you do. So go check out the Adam Carolla podcast.

What's your latest book? You always have a book going. Everything reminds me of something. Yeah, check out his book. Go to Adam Carolla.com. Your Instagram. Yeah. Yeah.

Support this guy. Check him out. Not that he needs it from me, but you're a talent that's worth endorsing. Now, this is, as you know, speaking of. over in Finland and Holland and, you know, all those country, those dainty countries. This is a Dutch clog, and this is words from a wooden shoe. And what we do is you reach in, you grab a word, and see if it elicits a memory or a story from somewhere in your life to share with the gang.

Let's see what we got here. It's our final segment, buddy. What do we got? Celebrity crush. here we go here we glow who is it who is my celebrity crush can i guess yeah barry manelow oh j well that's a celebrity death really you're not going to be alive yeah but you're not going to be around for long he may be he's cool with dudes oh no way really yeah you're right the dudes are cool with him because they're not breathing ever thought about that i

who would my celebrity crush and it doesn't have to be today it could be when you're a kid it could be today it could be maybe both phillison on who was the kid one and who's the current one without getting in trouble with the lady when i was in like you know junior high i would watch charlie's angels and i loved when you'd go there i loved sherrill lad oh really okay i wasn't a ferra fan I loved Farrah. I was a Cheryl Ladd fan. But she, Cheryl didn't have the poster. Farah had that iconic poster in the red bathing suit

where her nipples were sticking out like someone dropped two snicker bars down her top. Yeah. I mean, these things were sticking out like an aunt could walk the plank off those nipples. They were huge. Yeah. But why Cheryl Ladd? Cheryl Ladd had a better bosom than Farrah. Fair was kind of flat chest.

True. True. She was more nipple than meat. Had a nice full bosom. And once a year, they'd go to Hawaii and they'd force Shera Lad to get in a bikini. That was just the best. Wow. So I'm, I'm Sherrillad. Yeah. And fast forward to now. Yeah.

Sticking with Sherrill Lad, still hot. Come on, really? I'm telling you, the woman is 70 years old and a smoke show. Yeah. Have you ever met her? Never. Would you like to? No.

Why? Because I don't feel like I could contain myself. Okay. There would be, you know, it would be like, would you, it'd be like saying, would you want to ever meet the priest that molested your son for 12 years? And the answer would be no, because I'd be in jail. Yeah, you'd, you'd off them. Right.

That's, that's heavy. That took a really. feel that way with Sherrillette. Wow, it took a real, like, kind of dark turn. Yeah. Almost like a Charlie's Angels episode. Well, when you've seen what I've seen, Harlan. You understand.

Quickly, with Charlie's Angels and see if you concur. Mm-hmm. And I just threw that word out for you because you're a what? Word Smith. There was the original Angels was Jacqueline Smith. It was Farah. And then there was the other one. Kate Jackson.

I just didn't get it. Like, no offense, she wasn't like a smoke show to me. She was very, she was cute, she was pretty, but I just don't, I never got why she was in the mix. Am I wrong? You know, those shows back in the day that kind of needed the, you know, every one of these shows was like, this guy's the wheelman, and this guy's the knife expert.

This guy's the second story man. This guy's the demolition man. Like, they never had the same guy. Well, they were women. Right. But I'm saying they needed the blonde. They needed the brunette. And then they always need the one that you think you could get, even though you can't.

Oh, I see. You know what I mean? Average one. Yeah. Got you. Every show had that. Right. Had that one you thought you could get, but you couldn't.

That was for like the blue collar guys watching like, okay, I could maybe have a shot. with that one yeah that's how the bands work too like look i love the go-goes i'm never going to get to belinda carlyle but i could bang the drummer yeah you know what i'm saying that's what that was and drummers love banging yeah it's a great robert de nero movie what bang the drums slowly it is it's also a bar down in west hollywood knock knock who's there let us let us who let us in You don't knock in the middle of it. I like to punctuate my knock-knock jokes with a knock. God.

Yeah. Knock, knock. Who's there? The doors. The doors who? The band. God, I don't even. Buddy, one last time before we go,

please mention your podcast. Tell the folks. You go to Amcrow.com. It's there every day. it's free we have great guests and harlan williams on the show yeah i love going on your show and uh live shows dates all over the country yeah books merch check them out adam carola and when you do me one favor this is for real when you go home i want you to put a a dollop of butter out near an ant nest and tell me next time i see you or text me the results because i'm not even kidding about

the ant ladies and gentlemen knock knock who's there the theme song that's too thank you Adam for being on the Holland Highway podcast thank you what a treat and until next time everybody

keep your butter in the fridge and chicken chau-main baby