The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #75 - MARK SCHIFF - Comedian, Actor, Writer - We talk SEINFELD, funhouses, lawsuits, and Hebrew!

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Funny man Mark Schiff is here to talk about his long relationship with Jerry Seinfeld, small claims court, how to speak Hebrew, and buying a HOUSE! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So anyway, I got this apartment, and I was young, and I was dating occasionally. Oh, here we go. So the guy, I get a letter from the owner. He goes, this is an eviction notice for running a fun house. So you had big mirrors? Yeah, I didn't know what he meant by a fun house. It's usually big mirrors in their... Yeah, no, that's not what he meant.

Well, that's what's in a fun house. In that type of fun house. There's many types of things. You said you had a fun house. Did the stairs slide back and forth? No, and the mirrors did not bend you and make you... They weren't concave or convex? No, they weren't.

And you didn't go in thing and trying to find your way out of the other side. So anyway, he starts telling me I'm running a fun house, which is his way of saying a whore house. Well, they are fun. They are fun. It is a house. He is right. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

Oh, tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Are we anywhere near the Mansons? Do their thing? Oh, the Manson murder? Yeah. Are they up here somewhere? Yeah.

They're over on... They just moved. I think they're on Melrose now. Yeah. Great family. Oh. Assaulted the earth. You assaulted the Earth?

No, they were the Salt of the Earth. No, they were the Salt of the Earth. earth. Oh, because when you said you assaulted the earth, I pictured you on a golf course laying over like that eight hole and going berserk. Before we introduce you, you threw something out here that I think we just got to start with. You said Picasso destroyed his paintings. Is this where you're trying to, what did you say about Picasso? So there's a YouTube of, I believe it's Picasso. Okay. There's a piece of glass, like a window. Okay. And the camera is facing. Picasso through the window. You know, you can see him through the window. So like

looking through the window. Right. And he's painting the glass. And you watch him create this painting right in front of you. And then when he's finished, he just destroys the whole thing. Because supposedly the deal was that this would not be for sale and be, you know, he was just going to paint this in front of people and they would see his process and then he would destroy it. How did he destroy it? Paint it over everything. Why didn't he just have a neighborhood juvenile delinquent throw a rock through the window? Yeah, one of the spray painting guys. Yeah. Come up and just

write five, six. Yeah, you could do that or just smash the glass. Yeah. No trace of it. That wasn't this thing smashing the glass. But that's what I said. You hire a neighborhood juvenile delinquent. And there were plenty of those. Were you ever a juvenile delinquent? You look like you might have been. I was a, they used to call these kids like he used to get things called J.D. Cards. Oh, no, tell me. J.D. Card was a juvenile delinquent card.

And when you were bad, and if you got caught, and you were dragged into court, probably more than once, they would give you a J.D. Whoa. And what was your, what was your worst, like, what was your worst J.D? What was your, what was the thing you did that got you hauled into court? Yeah, I never got caught. Oh, you did? I was, I was pretty good. but there was stealing going on.

Oh, wow. I'll tell you a story. We, do you remember, we got a house? Like when you were a kid, like somebody would, their parents would go away. Oh, yeah. And he called everybody.

We got a house. I got a house to like party in. Yeah. Yeah. So. I also yelled that when I played Monopoly. Yeah, yeah. Same thing.

Sometimes I'd yell like out of hotel. Yeah, that's right. Well. So I got out of jail card free. Yeah. Now you're on board, yeah. So this kid, Larry Lava. Oh, Larry Lava. He was hot. Yeah, he calls everybody, look at a house!

So we all go, and these people went away for two weeks. Wow, biggest mistake they ever made. It's J-D time. J-D time. So he called everybody he's ever met. Yeah, why are you rubbing your breasts? That wasn't rubbing. That was just, I was straining my shirt.

You know, not everything's sexual. Well, I looked like you were caressing yourself. I'm in the middle of a JD story, and you're going to third base with yourself. Okay, so what happened? So, there we go. People gone for two weeks, and the reason that they let him stay there was they had a dog. Okay. And they wanted him and watch the dog.

He said, stay at the house. You walked a dog three times a day. This was the summertime. There was no school. And we got a house. We got a house. Yeah. So we all go, and this is LSD time.

Oh. Wow, so we got J.D. LSD. Yeah. You might as well have just done this on Sesame Street. That's a lot of letters. You're going through puberty? No. So we've got a house.

Well, that's the 40th time. Yeah. How many fucking houses are there in this neighborhood? Well, it sounds like there's a fucking whole community, like a gated community. No, no. We got one house. Well, all I hear is I got a house over. You're like a parrot that's looking for real estate.

You want to, this is it. Well, I do want to hear you, but I don't want. I'll take our time, yeah. So there's like 40 kids there. Everybody's on LSD. Yeah. We're at 15 years old. Now, wait a minute.

Everyone's on LSD. Does that mean you too? Yes. Okay. Thank you. I took a hit. So a loose. And everybody smoking weed.

And everybody meaning you too? Yeah, me too. Okay. So now you're on LSD and weed. And you got a house. Right. We got a house. So this one kid who is really smart and

school. These people, when they left, they had just gotten as they bought one of the first color TVs on the market. How much? You know, who knows what they cost back then, $1,000, $2,000. Okay, because you could have got a colored Picasso window for $500. Could have, but should have would have. Well, one of those big wooden cased ones. Oh, yeah. Like a coffin with a picture tube. That's right. That's exactly it. So he's on, he's on the stuff. And he's a bit of a nerdy guy and interested in a lot of different things, and he decides to get a screwdriver. Oh, he ordered a drink? No, no, no, no, the actual screwdriver that... Oh, okay, because I was going to say if he's already on LSD and weed, why does he need a screwdriver? Yeah, yeah, no, regular, you know,

hammer screwdrivers, so... Okay, you don't have to do a mime show, I know what a screwdriver. So he proceeds while we're all sitting around, smoking, and, uh, to start unscrewing the TV. You know, like each little screw he takes out, and he puts every piece perfectly, in line, so he knew how to put it back together. Can I throw the word meticulously down? Meticulous. Totally meticulous. Okay, I'm just trying to add to your story. So these TVs had a lot of nuts and bolts to there, a lot of moving parts.

It wasn't now, you just hang this thing on the wall. Yeah. This is, this is... And they weren't this thin. They were like fat. They were like overweight. 600 pounds is teeth. Yeah, they were obese.

Probably diabetic, too. Oh, yeah, yeah, from the... Well, you just grabbed your tits again. It's not a grabbing thing. Well, this isn't a... erotic story. So it took him like five days to take the TV apart. Okay, so that's now you're five days into the two week. I got a house invasion. Okay. That's the 46th time I heard I've got a house. Well, it's 47 to me. Because I just had it. That's right. So he's got everything out. All the

ashtrays are filled with matches. Nobody smoked cigarettes, by the way. You know, but you would smoke you eat and then, or you know, and then put the matches and these people smoke so they have a lot of airspace. So all their matches were piled this high. Oh, wow. Now, they also got a dog. Oh, God. I told you, you started to look at the door. Yeah, earlier. And this is the sad part of the story. The dog got a hold of a tab. The drink? No, no, the acid. Oh, I thought he went to the fridge, because this is the 70s, I'm guessing, so I thought he went to the fridge and got a tab. One calorie. Yeah. In those days, one cow, now they got zero calories. Tap, I think. I I think it might have been one calorie.

Wow, that's too much. That's one too much. What are they trying to kill us? I mean, you're looking to really blow it up with one calorie. Yeah, fuck. So the dog, okay. Wasn't me, I don't know who it was, it was.

It was sad. The dog got a hold of a tab of LSD and sat for the next three days with his paws like this over his head going, eh, you know, praying for his mother, I guess, or whatever. He was praying?

It looked that way, but I doubt it, because I don't know if the dog's really praying. It almost, It looked like he was prepping for, like, back then, remember the stop, drop, and roll? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looked like maybe, because back then, all they said, the Russians are, it looked like he was preparing for a nuclear attack, and in my opinion, but I wasn't there. No, you weren't.

Am I wrong? No, you were absolutely right. So where was that? What story was this? You got a house! That's the story. I'm glad you reminded me of that. I forgot.

Why don't you buy a park, like a bench at a bus stop and just put a picture of you in that outfit, and it just says, I got a house! There you go. So, these were the days. There was no cell phone. There was no computer. There was only a phone. But Larry had unclipped the phone.

Unclipped it or unplugged it? Well, you know, they had the little snap in into the receiver. You just, you know, the little thing, you press the, you squeezed it in. You squeeze it and then you pull out the little. Unplug it. Yeah. So he wasn't, he was not for calls for the next two weeks. I just want to be clear because people get confused.

You unclip a clip on tie. Yeah. You unplug a flip on tie. a phone from the 70s. Yeah, you're unplugged. Okay, we'll call it unplugged. Okay, thank you. But the phones weren't really plugged in.

They were wired into a box. They wired into a little square box. Yeah, but it was a plug. It was a receptacle and it plugged in. It was a clip, a form of a clip, so maybe it clipped in. Yeah, that was it. So anyway.

Came to a solution there. So we're at the house. Yeah. And the door opens. Oh, God. It's haunted? No. The people came back a week early.

Wow. Her husband got sick on the trip. She's been calling for a couple of days. They're on the way back. And there's 40 kids, all the estuaries. The TV is completely, there's no, you can't even tell it's a TV where it's taken apart, except for the tube in the middle of all the little brackets. Yeah.

And the dogs bent over praying. The dogs are, uh, so somebody screams, they're back. They're back in the house. The house. So it's a house like, and everybody opens the windows, and we all dive out the windows. What floor were you on? No, it's just a house, like a regular street house. Yeah, but houses sometimes have an upstairs.

This was not. This is the living room downstairs, window, one foot out. But was there a second floor? There was a second floor. Okay, so see, I just, I do this for clarity, Mark. These people had dope. Everybody out the window. Even bakers have a second floor.

They do. and the baker's dozen. So. They had a dozen windows? How big was this house? 13 windows, the baker's house. Oh, so was a baker's dozen. House.

Yeah. And were the windows Picasso's or were they Renoise? De Gauss? This was kind of a, there was no art to the windows, which made it art to itself. Okay. Because it was the absence of all form. Yeah. And the only form you see is the form that is presented to you on the other side.

Got it. On its own. Yeah, maybe over explaining it a bit now. So you dove out the window, what, a full two inches and landed on the grass? Did you break anything? Did not break anything? They didn't even bend a blade of grass. We're out of there except for Larry.

The TV kid? Yeah. What happened to Larry? So they said to him, you know, what do you think they said to him? They probably said, we wanted to watch our favorite show tonight. How fast can you put it back together, you dumb fuck? They may have said something like, I don't think we're watching it. open tonight. Well, that's actually the complete opposite of what I just said. I don't know what they

said. I feel like we just had a joke war right there. I went one way and then you came right back and like almost rebutted what I did by reversing it. Was that a joke war we just had? I'm going to say something you've never heard. I came back through the front end. Say what now? I came back through the front end. Usually people come through the back end. I came through the front end. I came through the front end on that one. That's also a bar down in West Hollywood. The front end. No, I came back through the front end. Yeah. It's one of my favorite. My grandfather used to take me there. For wing night? Well, it was a... Or spread eagle night? It was a conservative bar, so they only served right wings. Okay. I don't know if you know that. I think we just had our

second comedy war. Yeah, we did. God. So what happened? So you ran out the front of all the kids, boys and girls, they were still young, so boys and girls. So there were girls. So there were girls. girls there girls boys and everybody we're all gone except for larry and all i remember i never saw larry again after that i heard like his family like moved you know what they did you ever read edgar allen poe the cask of a montalado where he he buried someone behind a brick wall yes i think that family built larry into the tv when they put it back together because remember earlier we said coffin huge if you never found larry check that fucking tv guy in the in the in the in the in the He's in it.

Yeah. I don't know that they ever put that TV back together. I don't know if it's possible to put something like that together because no TV repair man. Yeah. Had ever been asked to put together. Right. They changed tubes.

Was Larry's last name Rubik's by any chance? The cube guy? No, the TV guy. Did you just show? Yeah, I did that. What happened? Finally, you were funny. ladies and gentlemen here we go welcome to the holland highway pocket uh-huh that's right

probably the longest intro we've ever had but also the best and ladies and gentlemen what a guest i have today my favorite favorite because you're like a flavor to me you're like the best flavor ever it's mark shift stand-up comedian author actor friend buddy and And juvenile delinquent right here. How are you, guy? Great. I didn't know that that was the intro. Yeah, you know, normally I get right to the theme song,

but you got me with, I got a house. And I'm in my head. I'm going, I got a theme song, but I couldn't get it out. You could not. But what a captivating story. I mean, I loved it. It's a good story. If all my guests could, like, commandeer the time,

so it took 20 minutes to get to the theme, I'd be happier than a Chinese laundromat rolling down a Japanese, fucking snowhill. Yeah, yeah, I've been there. Well, okay. You know, have you been to Japan? I was just, hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

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Sweet caramelized onions. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts.

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It's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harblink. calm today and uh thank you for your support and i'll just keep the uh the groovy images coming did you so did you ever end up going to court i sued a guy when i was 14 years old that's the only time i went to court 14 yes well actually i went twice but i'll tell you and neither one was Who sues someone at 14? All right. You know what a roach.

Who the hell are you, Perry Mason? Yeah. You know what a roach coach is? Yeah. Like one of those vans that they sell food out of? Yeah, yeah, like a street car, like a hot dog card or, yeah. Not a cart, but I mean the actual thing that they drove. Oh, like a food truck.

Food truck. Yeah, okay. In my day, when I was growing up, they were called roach coaches. Okay. They served cockroach. They were there. In fact, they had pictures of flies on the menu. Oh, wow.

on to the menu. This is a filthy place. Time flies when you're eating cockroach. Yeah. So anyway, the owner was looking for somebody to come and work with him in the summer. Okay. So I knew about it. I contacted him and he said, yeah, Mark, I'll pick you up at 5 a.m. It's a bit early. Well, we went to the factories. Oh, got you, got you. The guys were, the blue collar workers were coming in. They were coming in to work with the lunch bags and the thing. Okay, so it was breakfast. Okay. So I worked him for a week. Yeah.

Five o'clock every morning he met me and drove me. And then he said, listen, it's not working out. I don't think it's going to work out here. He didn't say why. He said, so thanks. So I said, okay, so just pay me for the week. My salary for the week was $40. It's not working out.

Do you not know how to scramble eggs? Whatever it was, you know, we didn't get clear on it. Well, okay? You don't need clear. You're not at the airport. Is it painful for me? because it hurt me. Oh, I'm sorry.

Go ahead. So anyway, I'm not hurting anymore. I feel good. Your eyes are watering? No. I pee upward. I am like. It's a, you know, we'll talk about that.

Yeah, please. So anyway, he says. By the way, just to clear, you're the first squirder I've ever had on the show. Upwards. Yeah. That's why I go like this. I push it back down. Okay.

So, everything makes sense. Okay. Yeah, thank you. Go ahead. Yeah. I said, all right, let me just have the $4. Nice working with you. He goes, I'm not paying you.

I said, why not? He goes, because this was a test week. Test. You don't test at 5 a.m. A 14-year-old for a week. Yeah. Right. So, he didn't pay me.

So I told my parents, and they said, let's take him to small clams court. Yeah. Did I say clams court? You did, but maybe he was serving clams on the food car. No, it was a claims court. Well, maybe he was serving clams. You weren't there long enough to find out. Small claims, clams court.

You never did make him. it to lunch. They did the scrambled egg. Maybe at lunch there were clams. Claims oreganoata. Well, rather you didn't break into Disney songs. By the way, what do clams have? Teeth.

They got a shell. We're going to just wrap this up. Mark Schiff was here. When one clam, when his parents and the clams parents go away, they scream, we got a shell. We got a shell or go to shell. Yeah, so it's all, it's a shell game. Yeah, shell, yeah, show game. Yeah, Shelley DeVore.

So my parents said, you got to sue this guy. Take him this. For $40? Yeah. Okay, makes sense. So I went down to the courthouse with them, and we got a thing, and we hauled the guy into court. You hauled them? I didn't personally haul him.

It's called hauling him in. Okay, I'm just picturing a fat guy now. You remember Rich Hall? Yeah. Well, Rich Hall dragged him in. That's called hauling him in. Okay, got it. Yeah.

Clear. Okay, so Hull Holes him in. Hall halls them in. Rich Hulls them in the court. Rich Holes him in. Yeah. And we're getting there. Yeah.

So the judge says, okay, next, you know, it's dock at 6, 1, 8, 2, 3, B, 6, 511. I remember that because this was. Wait, there was a Star Wars robot there? Yeah. So the guy goes, the judge says, so tell me, sir, what's up? So he said, the kid worked for me, and, you know, he did the thing. It was a test week. The judge goes, what's it?

What's a test week? I've never heard of a test week. Yeah. Yeah. So he goes, well, I had him work for the week, and it was a test. It wasn't actually the job was to see if. Right. And the judge says, so we worked for a week, and it was $40 a week, but he doesn't get the 40

of the first week. And the guy says, right, and the judge says, you open $40. Nice. Boom. Boom. So. What a landfall. He says, the guy pays me, the $40.

Right there? two 20s. They usually don't do that, but he paid the 40. And then I was walking out, he says to me, I'm going to kill you. And that was the last time I saw. Wow. It was a good chance. He's in the back of that TV with Larry. Wow. He was going to kill you over $40.

That's exactly what he said. I'm going to kill you. I'm surprised he didn't have your parents killed his witnesses. Yeah, first. This sounds like a big mafia like scrambled eggs. This is big. This is big to this guy. Wow. I'm going to kill you, and he was for real? Well, he didn't kill me, so he wasn't for real. But did he sort of like mumble it under his breath and lock eyes with you?

He was mad, he was mean, he was upset, he was humiliated, he was fraternized, he was decarpentalized, he was. Wow. Vaginized, he was everything. Wow. What an overreaction. How cheap is this guy? Unbelievable. Could you imagine, now, being in the food,

truck you got to figure a guy that cheap probably ain't buying the best quality food and probably isn't throwing the old food out at Nike because you know what no one's going to know if i sell this tomorrow was there any of that going on it wasn't a lot of that but he did when he bought the eggs he bought there's a version of egg called a thin shell egg there is well a lot of people don't hear about because we don't get it in the grocery stores buy a thicker calcium shelled egg i've never heard this in my life well thank god you're here yeah so he bought the thin sheld eggs which were not as good. Oh, see, this is what I was just saying.

These are from, like, chickens that didn't have enough calcium, and they weren't producing. So how do you crack the thin-shelled eggs? You just didn't salt them enough until they... They're emotionally cracked on their own. Yeah, because they're thin-shelled. Open! And they just, you know. So that was the deal.

And my other second time in court... Oh, is this for $60? No, this had nothing to do with money. I had an apartment in Manhattan. Can you say it right? I had an apartment! I had an apartment! There we go.

I'm just trying to get some consistency here, guy. Had a studio apartment in Manhattan. Okay. What street? 76 in second. Yeah, I know. That's where I lost my virginity. I know.

Three times. I had it in the apartment there. They have some of the best priests in that town. Oh, unbelievable. Father O'Haga. Okay, what happened? So when you move into an apartment, in New York.

Yeah. They want you to move out immediately so they can raise the rent. Is that why they have revolving doors on the front? We didn't have one. This was a bad building. This is like a, you know. You didn't have a door? No, we had a front door downstairs.

That one night, Larry Miller and Jerry Seinfeld kicked the door in to come see me. Wow. You didn't have a doorbell? It was Larry Miller and Michael Hampton Kane, a comedian. They kicked the door in to come see me. They were. So no doorbell? No, not in this building.

I might want to get one. Cheaper than a door, really. You know, rent controlled? This was rat controlled. Wow. Yeah, a lot of rats. There was a restaurant downstairs, and the rats, and they kept the garbage cans in the building.

Smart. Yeah, you can keep it out back where, you know, they kept it in. Yeah, right, kept it in to keep it because you don't want the rats to eat garbage. Yeah, you don't want the rats outside getting the cold. I want the garbage for yourself. And were the windows in the apartment? Did they ever kick in the windows? No, never kicked in the windows.

Okay. Were they Picasso's or? No, you could right, see, right, these were actually filthy windows. I never washed, when you were single. So van goes. But in your really, like when you, like before you had a nice place you lived? Yeah. Didn't you, did you wash your windows?

Well, if I didn't have a place yet, how could I wash the windows? Most single guys never washed a window in their apartment. But you just said before you had a nice place, did you wash your windows? Well, how could I wash? my windows if I didn't have a place. Assuming you didn't have as nicer place as you do now. Well, I don't have windows. I like the fresh air. I like bugs. I like birds. I like birds. I'm so upset with birds hitting windows and dying to preserve the birds for the safety of the birds, Mark. I don't have windows so they can fly in, brush their teeth, make an omelet.

Oh, talk about brushing the teeth. I used the bathroom here and I don't know whose toothbrush I used, but it was really snappy. Oh, that was my, uh, grandmother. She's 104. Was there blood on the bristles? I just thought they were red bristles. Yeah, no, that's her blood, you're horrible gum disease. This brus just snap back like I've never seen it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's from all the gingivitis cells. Let me ask you this, by the way. Tell her, by the way, I used to because I'm not doing well. Well, you can tell her later when you're napping with her. She loves to hold,

old handsome young Jewish boys. Yeah. Oh, you're Jewish now? Oh, you got a house. I got a synecock? I got a rabbi. Now, let me ask you this. As your voice cracked yet, and be honest. No, I was just brought mystery recently, so at 13. Really? Let me finish that story. I thought you had a nice haircut. What barber were you at? Sit. Oh, yeah. Okay, so I finished the story. I didn't need to snap at me. So anyway, I got this apartment, and I was young, and I was dating occasionally. Oh, here we go. So the guy, I guess. get a letter from the owner. He goes,

this is an eviction notice for running a fun house. So you had big mirrors? Yeah, I didn't know what he meant by a fun house. It's usually big mirrors in there. Yeah, no, that's not what he meant. Well, that's what's in a fun house. In that type of fun house. There's many types of things.

You said you had a fun house. Did the stairs slide back and forth? No, and the mirrors did not bend you and we make you that. They weren't concave or convex. No, they weren't. And you didn't go in thing and trying to find your way out of the other side. Well, then you were just in a house. I was in a house, a small house, apartment.

Okay, you're in an apartment. A studio apartment. A studio apartment. Why do I feel like one of the Muppets every time we talk about real estate? You know how small this apartment was, don't you? How small was it? You can only fry, what, one egg at a time? Well, thin shell or thick shell?

Thin shell. Oh, that makes it easier. I had to go into the hall to change my mind. You went into Rich Hall? No. So anyway, he starts telling me I'm running a fun house, which is his way of saying a whore house. Well, they are fun. They are fun.

They are fun. And it is a house. He is right. Technically, it works. Okay. But that's not what was going on. Okay. He takes me to court. A food court or a regular court?

No, regular court with the judge. I'm thinking if you live in a house that small, probably don't have a lot of money, not eating well, probably makes more sense to go to a food court. Yeah, no, this is a regular court. Okay. Now, listen to this. You have to snap at me. Listen to this.

Oh, no, you're getting re-raising it. We're in front of the judge, and the judge looks at me, and he goes, I know you. Oh, God. Was your dad? No. He said, aren't you the kid that sued that guy 28 years ago? For $40? He remembered me.

Oh, wow. Can you believe this? Wow, and you were back, no way. What are the odds of getting in front of the same judge? A billion to one. that I would be in front of this guy and that he would remit 20 cases a day for 20-something years. And how old are you when you did the food court thing? 13, 14.

Okay, so this judge was clearly like Benjamin Buttons or a vampire or a Highlander because no one lives that long. Second I get in front of him, where do I know you from? And I said, he goes, I got a house. Unbelievable. You know, he was kind of joking with me because he knew, you know, it was a 28-year callback that he did, you know, which is really, judges have to be funny. Yeah.

Wow. So now he's on my side. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. You got an ally. This is what you want when you're suing somebody, you know, things are happening. You want to judge that. I know shit, it knows you and believes in you. Yeah.

Sympathetic towards you. So he says to the owner, So what's going on? So the owner goes, he's running a fun house. So the judge goes, you mean one of those with the Concade mirrors and the, you know. Like what I said about half an hour ago? Because nobody's ever heard of a fun house. Okay.

The only fun house is we know is the one you know that we grew up with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the judge goes, what do you mean a fun house? Yeah. He goes in his apartment, he's girls coming in and out and they're all having fun and it's a fun house. Yeah. so the judge i'm trying to understand this he goes so so what's wrong with him dating girls he goes no it's a fun house you know where these aren't uh you know regular girls girls of ill repute street

walkers the repute things hoars they repute the ill reputes yeah got it so the judge looks at me and he goes what's your address he's first he says to the guy is that your wife and the guy turns around and the judge looks at me goes oh no he had parkinson no no he winked at me he got the guy to turn around so he could let me know we're good we're good oh okay that's what you want with a judge you want to we're good was it we're good or i want to fuck you later like that seems creepy that's that's a creepiest wink i've ever seen nothing happened with him this was a we're good it was a fun house you could have yeah so the guy turns back around it's not my wife the judge goes

kids not running any fun house it's over next case yeah and i lived there another six years and two years later i actually started a fun house really yeah but he knew he was gonna you know he knew he was going to you know he knew he was going to get me anymore because now you could do what you want yeah because you know the new judge if he took me in would look and go we've been down this road before yeah yeah yeah it's this gold yeah well here's what i'm because I've known you a long time. You have. And I've never really pegged you as a guy that when you were single had a lot like

rotating women coming in and out of your house. And good for you because sometimes the best ladies man are the ones that don't wear it and they're unassuming. So were you quite the ladies man before you got married? It sounds like, you know, sounds like there were girls coming in and out of there like a gopher popping in out of a hole and Dolly Parton's underpants. Hmm. Dolly Parton's underpants.

Well, I had to say something. She probably calls them bloomers. Oh, okay. South, 50s. Well, 60s. There was no underpants. Men were underpants. Women wear bloomers?

I think so. What century are we in now? Did your grandmother wear underpants or blooms? She wore a thong. Really? She was progressive. Is that her? Yeah.

That's who was in the photo you showed me earlier? Yeah. Wow. Wow. Only one cheek. Yeah. How did that happen? What happened to the other cheek?

She got ass cancer. They removed the cheeks. I don't mean to laugh. You're going to laugh. You know, you say things, you know, it made me laugh. Cancer is not funny, but ass cancer? Well, I mean, you can lose a breast. You can lose a cheek guy.

I didn't know that. It looks like you didn't know something I said a little about thin shell legs? Well, you can lose a ball, you can lose a breast, and if you get ass-can-old. Yeah, they'll take one of your ass cheeks off. Yeah. Ass-cheek? Oh, she was off-bound. She'd walk around in circles for hours trying to find her medicine.

How did they diagnose this? Well, she was sitting on a doctor's face one day. Oh. And he felt the bump. It was a lump. Yeah. Wow. There was a lump in his throat.

Poor gal. Wow, yeah. Well, it worked out for the best. She was at a barbecue one day, and someone slipped while they were throwing a lawn dart, and it just missed her ass. Wow. Went right through that empty space and hit a boy. So what does she fill that side in with, like, when she goes out, you know, because they don't. Sponge cake. Because they don't sell pants just one cheek pants. It's like you ever get a, like a strawberry short cake, that's angel food cake.

It's just the same texture as a human buttock. Wow. Yeah, they sell it over there at Dahmer's Bakery on Melrose. What about one of those? You ever see those giant loophis that they sell from the sea? Yeah, the lufus. Those are the real giant ones. Yeah, those are for the fat girls that get an ass cheek taken off.

Yeah, your grandmother's kind of petite. Yeah, she was tiny. Holy God. I'm sorry, but thank God she's fine. Yeah, she's doing things kind of half-ass nowadays, but she's... Yeah. I'm not laughing at your grandmother, but that was... It seems like you are.

Yeah. I might take you to court. You're good at court. Can we fast forward to... So she's a pain in the half-ass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You're a pain in the half-ass. You know that? Yeah. I dare you to say that to her half face. She also lost half her face. Oh, really? Yeah. Which side?

The opposite side of the... Yeah. So in the end, it sort of balanced her out. So she lost, too. cheeks. I'm sorry. Why did you give it to her? No, I just, I don't like to hear.

Excuse me. Pretty good, right? Wow. I learned how to do that in fifth grade and I was a hit. No way. Flipping my eyelids up? Let's see. No, I can't.

I can't do it. Why not? I think you can. Actually, it's been like 30 years. I don't think I can. You're afraid they might get stuck? Stuck. And then people think you're possessed.

Yeah. But I did learn to burp early on. And in fact, that got me thrown off the David Letterman show. What do you mean? Honest a goodness story. Tell me. Oh, my God. So I did a routine on Letterman.

I think it was my first or second Letterman. Yeah. How many times did you do Letterman? There are times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just like you about you.

Yeah. So. Solid number. There was a bit I did about calling it, about going. going to apply for a job you don't want. Okay. That's a premise. Like working in a food truck of five in the morning?

One of those. But you go to apply, you notice a job open, and you walk in, the guy says, so, you know, what was your last job? And you go, I worked in a restaurant. So I burped in the routine. Yeah. So I sit down and Letterman says to me,

oh, God, you burped. And I looked at him, I said, yeah, that was the end of me. Why? He was disgusted by it. He didn't find it funny. Uh-huh. And I couldn't get back on the show. Come on.

Didn't like that. That is so petty. Yeah. Richard Petty. Richard Petty was on that time, too, by the way. Was he really? Yeah. And Richard Petty and me.

Oh, my God. So anyway, it was petty. But I wrote him a letter. And to his credit, he had to be back on. I wrote him a heartfelt letter. I said, David, I didn't know, you know, and I'm a comedian. And I'd be funny. And I apologize.

and I won't do it again, and, you know, I really need you to forgive. Yeah. And he didn't write me back, but I got a call from, who booked that show? Why am I forgetting? Tom Petty? No, no, Morty. Morty, yeah, Morty. Yeah.

So anyway, he called me up and said, David, wants you back on a show. You got your letter. Wow. So to his credit, it was a nice turn. He got the letter. Letterman got the letter. So, you know what I told people? What?

I got a show. I'm back on well if you had asked him for a house that might have worked better so I was back on and oh as well and uh that's ridiculous that's very petty Richard Petty

Tom Petty was the band that night by the way both gone yeah but not forgotten my son by the way saw Tom Petty the night he passed no way he was driving no no no he was at the Hollywood Bowl that night, I think, or the Greek petty, it was his last show, my son was there.

And that night, Tom, you probably love Tom Petty radio on Sirius, right? I like, I like Tom Petty, but I feel like lately he's been haunting me. It's weird. It's like every time I turn on the car radio, everywhere I go, it's just, it's either Petty immediately, because I'm a channel surfer, or it's Petty eventually. And now I'm like, I'm getting creeped out by Petty, and I go past it now. It's weird. You can't even listen to it at this point.

Yeah, because it's weird. I feel like it's stalking me. He's stalking me. But I did Letterman once too, and he was friends with that guy, Warren Zevon. You know, the guy that's like, oh, wherewolves of London. Wherewells of London? And he, Carmelita. Yeah.

He was wonderful. He used to come into Catch a Rising Star while he was friends with Rick Newman. Yeah. He won't Catch a Rising Star. Okay. And he passed a not cheek cancer. Yeah, but just the regular. The regular cancer.

Yeah. But he was a guest on, he was, he was a guest on Letterman one night. I think he was sitting in with the band. And Letterman was clearly friends with him. He had him on a lot and they were bantering. And so, you know, Letterman's a hip show. So you always want to kind of make hip references. So I'm doing my sit down with David.

We're talking, you know, it's going great. We're getting near the end of it. But then, you know, he says something. And I go, oh, you know, about as much chance of that happening as a werewolf and London happening. Wow. Like I made, I sort of made a reference to Warren Zevon, kind of to say, hey, I'm part, you know, there's your buddy. And, and Letterman took it that I was insulting him. And you said, okay, that's it for Harlow, thank you. And he just like, ended the interview. And I was like, what a testy guy. And it was weird. And you should have, and that would have,

then you could have written a letter like I didn't. I should have what? Burped. Like, I burped. when let's move on okay i want to talk to you about because me and mark have done stand-up together over the years i'm one of my favorite gigs that you and i this is over the years oh over the years no i said years with a why oh i thought you said we done stand-up over the second years ah because i thought you said over the years hard to hear with headphones on i was thinking that doesn't make sense yeah harland goes that mark and i have done stand-up over the years. Yeah.

No, I... Yeah, no, no, I got you now. Years. Okay, thank you. Yeah, these things, they actually, um, they, um, they accentuate the sound and it's hard to hear because they actually make things clearer and more concise so it can fuck up your hearing. There's no concise in my life.

Are you serious? I'm married. There's no concise. What's her last name? I haven't heard an actual accurate thing that my wife has said. You've been married a long time. and we're down to huh and what no way you named your kids after dr seuss characters uh and what i'll be like three rooms away she'll go every name i go huh and she'll go what

what and i go back to do what i was doing she goes back to what she was doing sounds like you guys ordering chinese food every night for dinner yeah huh what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what has marriage been good have you loved it love marriage but anyway i didn't mean to get you off the ziva on trail oh yeah no what i was to tell you is one of my favorite stories where we worked together and we did a gig me and mark some guy called us up out of nowhere and he did a tour around southwestern u.s and he did military bases do you remember that that was rich rich and he called me and you up and one other guy i forget who it was and he said come with me we'll go in my truck and he drove us to all the

military bases around like Colorado and New Mexico and and we drove for like days through the prairies in a van in a van and he had all these like signs that he'd put up and we did shows for all the soldiers so hurrah boys how do you say it you salute her with the wrong hand by the way it's the right hand you sued right not left well I was actually I wasn't saluting that I was saluting to my grandmother and she lost her left ass cheek so I was like I do remember that gig and Do you remember when I stole the van? Oh yeah. One night you like, didn't you go out and just like drive a while, like around the corner with it just to freak them out?

So what happened was this was a period when people, there were a lot of carjackings going on. I mean, it was a big thing. And people were just stealing cars like crazy. So we had been talking about it in the van about all this terrible stuff. So we get to this hotel and Rich goes, okay, guys, come on in, I'll check you in and we'll get a room. and he leaves the van out there, and he leaves it running. Because we're in, like, Montana, I don't know where we were, but there's no car thieves. So I jump in, and I start driving away, and he looks, and she's the van going away,

and he goes, and he starts chasing the van. Come here, because he's got all the equipment in the air for the show, everything, the microphones, the speakers, the big banner he made, he made a beautiful sign. Gorgeous. Yeah, military comedians on tour. And all I can think of is, I got a fan. So, anyway, I stopped finally. And he sees me, and he is so pissed off.

He was, because his heart, he was going to have a stroke. Yeah. He thought he just lost his entire. And he was sort of a tense guy. Like, he was sort of amped up anyways, right? Like, red-headed guy, kind of flushed cheeks. He was like, let's go. He was like, really get up and go.

Nice guy, great guy. Great guy. And very conscientious and a great. supporter of the military. Yeah, really dedicated to the military. And that was fun. That was my first time doing, doing like a thing for the military, but the thing that threw me off with doing things for the military, I don't know if you had this experience. I can't remember if we talked about this or not. But when you go to these bases, they're predominantly like male. It's predominantly like men and boys. Back then, much more so. Back then, yeah, this was in the, this was in the like early 90s,

I think, right? And so there was very few women on the base and it was a lot of young like sort of guys just out of college full of testosterone like, you know, kind of drinking a beer. And so it was, it was such a concentrated group that that brings with it a certain energy, you know. And so some of our jokes were like kind of, I don't want to say that the guys in the military were unsophisticated, but some of our jokes were a lot more clever than maybe the level they were at in their levels of maturity. Right, absolutely. And so sometimes it could be a bit of a challenge to, you know, I think at that age as a young man, you want stuff that's just more over the head.

Yeah, I took her in and, you know, like. Sure. But our material was probably a bit too nuanced for that audience. So some nights, even though they were great and they loved having us there and we love being there, sometimes it was like it was challenging. Well, that is most male audiences. Yeah, that's true. They could be older, younger, when they're...

All these guys together, they want some filth, they want sex jokes. Yeah. And... I call it kind of the crushing the beer can on the forehead mentality sort of thing. I will not take a gig. I mean, you know, it depends, but I've turned down many all-male gigs. Yeah, they're tough. They're tough.

There was one night I did one, and Rich Scheidner. Oh, yeah. I said to him, want to take a ride with me? We went up to Solvang. You know, Solvang, it's up in Santa Barbara area. Is that where they do all the puzzles? That's the second place to do. They do the first puzzles somewhere else.

You think they'd do them all up in solving because they're puzzles. You know, bang. So I said to Rich, I'm driving up to Santa Barbara. You want to come for a ride. I got a show to do. Yeah. So he goes, okay, got nothing to do. So we go up.

And anyway, it's an outdoor, like this is a show. shell a band shell yeah and it's outdoors and all these guys that just men sitting on benches and at the back of the place there are guys on horses this is a a ranch okay and on first is a ventriloquist filthiest ventriloquist you've ever heard in your life i mean just unbelievably dirty was it him or was it the puppet well it's debatable okay you remember the adro and george you remember And George, you know the story about someone that got up and punched the dummy? Yeah. Yeah.

So it was that type of thing. Yeah. Some people are confused. They drink. Yeah. Really think it's the dummy saying that's shit, you know. So anyway, he's killing. Yeah.

And then I go on next, and I am dying. Yeah. Not a sound in the house, not even, even the crickets got quiet, which is not an easy feat. Yeah. You ever try pointing down a cricket? Yeah. So I see Rich, he's standing at the side of the stage. Very good.

You should have done that on Litterman. He loves that sound. I'm trying to get you to quiet down the cricket. I can't. No, you're supposed to try and quiet down the cricket. Hi, anyway, good to be here, ladies. Okay, nice. Quiet down the cricket.

So I see Rich standing on the side of the stage, and he's got a son of a southern... Um, you know, he's got a lot of energy and, uh, he's got the rah, rah, her, and stuff. So I look and I go, so he comes up, and I go, let me introduce my friend Rich. And he goes up, kills him. Yeah. Yeah.

Kills him for like 10 minutes. Yeah. So I get off the stage and the, uh, the guy says, what, what the hell was that? We hire you and, and you bring your friend. Yeah. He goes, I'm not paying you. Oh, no. So I said to him.

Just sue him. No, I didn't. And so I said, we mean that pay me? He goes, this is what you do? I said, you hired me, but you know my whole act, I bring him, and a lot of times he comes up and, you know, you want to somebody to do 20 minutes. So you got it. Yeah.

So anyway, he didn't want to pay me. I told him if we went in front of the judge, I know the guy, you're going to lose. Yeah, you're going to lose. You're going to lose. Because this is, you know, judge scrambled eggs. Three times a charm. Yeah, $3. $3.5.40.

$40. Yeah. So, anyway, the guy gave me the $500. Ooh. So about 10 years later, maybe 15 years later, I'm talking to this friend of mine. And I said to him, I call him up. I thought he was a friend.

He goes, I don't want to talk to you. So I said, why not? He goes, because he screwed Shidener out of money. I said, what are you talking about? He said, remember that gig up in Solvang? You know, he went on. You didn't give him any money. He did the show.

So I said, so what are you upset about? you know he goes because because you're a thief and he's really upset at me so i called rich because i got to clear things up yeah so by the way it's always weird calling a guy you didn't give money to and you call rich yeah that's yeah that's why i didn't give money i thought he was rich yeah well he is rich yeah but not that type of rich he's still rich he doesn't need money why come he's rich so i called him and i said listen i'm sorry yeah that i didn't uh offer you you or whatever, I didn't think about it if you want. Yeah, I'll make good now.

He goes, no, no, absolutely not. You don't want me anything. And in fact, he had written about this. You know, I think in a book day he wrote, he wrote that story. I never read the book. Wow. So I called the guy back. I said, I straightened it out with Rich. He's fine with it.

The guy goes, I'm not talking to you. You're a thief. Wow. So that was the end of that. I never spoke to that guy again. But that's how that story. Of course, you didn't speak to him again. He said he's not talking.

And I saw him a month ago, and he got fat, and he looks stupid now. Oh, good, thank God. Yeah, thank God is right. I saw it. How fat is he? Because you can still take him to food court. Yeah, yeah. No, I was glad he was really fat now.

Okay, good. He really plumped up. And he's got both cheeks, and God willing, one will be gone soon. Yeah, yeah, wow. That's what you want to wish on people. Yeah, losing an ass cheek. Yeah, that is. Yeah.

That's, that's, that's, I never thought of that, but that's, that's tough. Yeah, it is tough. But it's a good thing to wish on people. Thank God the ass cheeks are so soft, though, aren't they? Yeah. It's all the plan, you know? I mean, do you believe in God? Yes, I do.

Yes, I do. Yeah. When you see two things you sit on that are like a built-in cushion. Yeah. What, there's no God? Yeah, and mine vibrate. If you put a quarter in my mouth, mine will vibrate. I didn't know that.

My ass cheeks. Canadian thing. No. Just something I do when I'm sitting around watching TV. You know the Canadian geese joke? The Canadian what? Geese. Geese.

I thought you said keesh. No, no. Okay, well, let's hear the Canadian geese joke. You know about Canadian geese. Yeah. So, anyway, this woman walks into a butcher. Stop me if you heard it. But not really because your audience hasn't heard it.

Okay. A woman walks into a butcher shop, he goes, how can I help you? She goes, I want a Canadian geese. I want a Canadian goose, you know, cook for dinner. A goose or geese? Canadian goose, which is, you know, same thing. Oh. He goes into the refrigerator, the freezer comes out, starts wrapping,

she goes, give it to me. He gives it to her, she smells his backside, the Canadian goose is backside. She goes, this is not from Canada. This is from Montana. I don't want it. So anyway, he goes back in, comes out with another one, so she goes, giving to me.

She smells, she goes, this is not from Canada. this one is from Texas. So then he goes in, gets one more, hands it to her, she smells it, this is from Canada. Then she says to him, where are you from? He says, let me pull my pants down, you tell me. No way, he was a Canadian goose. Yeah.

You had a lot of geese in there. Sounds like you had a whole flock in that freezer. Fluck? Oh, flock? A flock in the freezer. I don't know. That's what you said. Well, you just get bringing them out. Yeah, that's a good joke, by the way.

Well, if you're a duck. That was the duck joke originally, right? It's a little foul. Yeah. Sniffing at duck's ass is a little foul. Do you remember, though, when we were driving across to that gig? Sure. There was a certain critter we saw out on the plains and the prairies.

Do you remember what it was when we were driving through the, you know, we're going through Colorado and out of it. out on the plains we could see these critters do you remember what it what it was there's a lot of them chipmunk no uh no i don't remember pronghorn antelope do you remember the pronghorn antelopes i you know it's coming back a little but not really let me help you i have here to show you no this is good you're gonna like pronghorn prong horn andelope and this is a skull of a pronghorn antelope and see this is where they call them prong horns wow and their antelope they're not true antelope but they live on the plains and the prairies of north america and they're the

fastest hoofed animal in north america and we saw herds of them as we were driving across and they're not that common to see so i wondered if you remembered the uh where did you get that i bought this at an antique shop because I always thought they had very interesting antlers. They're the only like antler. Well, these are horns, actually, not antlers. And what happens is their horns grow backwards. So I'm almost feeling like they should be called the backscratcher gazelle or something. Wow.

Or the back scratcher antelope. Now I have the, you're not going to believe this because it's a coincidence, but I have the prong horn uncleope. Are you serial? Yep. I have the uncle lope. You have the antelope. You almost have the full set. Yeah, well, I don't have the, I don't have the aunt.

I got the cousin lope. You got the cousin? Cousin lope and the uncle lope. I need an antelope. Wow, if you get the niece and the nephew, you'll be able to call Ancestry.com immediately. Neaselope, yeah, yeah. That's beautiful. Where'd you get that?

I bought it a little antique shop out in the middle of nowhere. Isn't that wild? Do you ever clean your ears with that thing? Sometimes I do. Mostly I just scratched my back with. that? Yeah. It's great at popping zits. Just. Now, I want to cut fast forward to we got your book. We're going to talk about your book in just a minute.

By the way, we didn't get the book. I brought the book. Yeah. I ordered this on Amazon. I bought a whole case, yeah, to support you. This is just, this is one of 43 books. I have a whole case. Wow. Yeah. That's a nice book. What's the title, please? why not lessons on comedy courage and chutzpah is that Russian

no it's Jewish it's a chutzpah isn't that a soup chutzp potato chutzp what is that how do I say it chutzpah chutzpah is like courage it's like moxie it's like oh it's like yeah he's got he's got hutzpah he's got chutzp the guy what's it you're doing a little what's that so uh Jews have Flemish words. Hold on, you're Jewish? I am. Shall I leave? No. It just wasn't... Shall I stay? No, just be here. Be here now. But I wasn't sure if you were Jewish or not,

or you just wrote a book about it. You know who wrote Be Here Now? Who. Ram Dass. You did? Ram Dass was Jewish. He changed his name to Ram Dass. Okay. Anyway, yeah, I wrote that book. But wait, I still don't know what the thing is. Chutzpaheim. Why can't you just say it clearly? Why do you have to clear your flam? Certain. It's like you have a fur ball in there. Certain dialects, people roll words. They say things. So are cats Jewish? K-A-K-T-Z. Cats are always K-A-T-Z. Cats is a Jewish name, K-A-T-Z. So I was right. Yeah. Cats are Jewish. That's why you can really tell when someone isn't Jewish, when they

try to, say, comedy cards and chipsa. Say what now? Yeah, that's exactly. What are you saying? Who are you? Who am I? And where are you? How do you?

But no, hold on. Who intentionally adopts throat clearing into their language? Are you sure it wasn't just like a Hebrew teacher one day, had a deviated septum and a mucus cold? It's like, hello, children. I'm not feeling too well today, but let's get through this. English and spelling lesson, children. Is this how this all happened?

That's actually a Yiddish word, I believe. Yiddish. Yiddish is a language. Yeah. How do you spell it? C.H. C.H. Have you ever sprayed on someone when you, when you talk?

Yes, I have. And they've been back. But wait, what's the function of the thing? Okay. It sounds very, finally. Couldn't you have just been velociraptors and just got your law? Like, you finally got me on it, but like what Bob Dylan.

You know, he, he elongates things. Like a rolling stone. Well, now, wait a minute. There's, I've never heard Bob Dylan going, knock, knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door. No, he knows, yeah. But he's like, knock, knock, knock on heaven's door. Oh, like he, elongating is not rolling phlegm.

True. What's going on here, guys? It's true. This is just, it's, it's, I'll have to find out of it. So you don't even know. You did say you were Jewish. Most people don't know why they do anything. This is something they learn when they're young.

Is this, is this sort of like, like you're sitting on a wrench now. I am. You're just doing it. You don't, this is what you did as a child. Sitting on a wrench? Yeah. What's that mean?

I've never heard that term, guy. That sounds like a gay mechanic, if you want me to be honest. There was an Amish joke. You just reminded me. Amish? What's an Amish man with his arm up a horse's ass? Unable to tell the time? No, a mechanic.

and actually yours fits unable to tell the time can I tell it as a Jewish guy the punchline yeah go ahead what's an Amish guy that puts his hand up a horse's ass you say what a mechanic

see you got it now now you don't know why you did that it's some kind you know what it is it's some kind of rudimentary like kind of, I don't know what it is. Yeah, sorry. I'd like to meet a girl with asthma. No, arthritis, arthritis. Oh, yeah.

One day I'd like to meet a girl with arthritis. One of my favorite jokes. Oh, that was a joke? I thought you were, well, after hearing about your fun house experience. Okay, let's get off of the, because it sounds like you don't know the answer and I don't. I want to cut to speaking of community. Medians, I want to cut to every year, your good buddies with Jerry, Jerry Seinfeld.

Yeah. And I love this because you told me about this. Every year, you and Jerry and Paul Reiser, and I forget who else is in the group. Larry Miller. Larry Miller, you guys have your yearly, wherever you are. If you can, you come and meet, is it Cantor's Deli? Or should I even say the deli?

No. You guys get together and have like a holiday meal or just a friendship meal. Talk about this. I love it. Right. So you just butchered the whole thing, but I'll clear it up. Sorry. So we haven't done it in a while.

We're all married now. Oh, so is a gay thing? No. Well, you said... And you're the one that's sitting on the wrench, not me. Well, I'm a gay mechanic. Yeah, an Amish. You're lucky I don't sit on an electric drill because those are really fun.

And my ass does vibrate. So... Around 1977, 78. Okay, disco years? Yeah, we were all at the comic strip. Larry Miller, Paul Reiser, Jerry Seinfeld, yourself, a guy named Michael Hampton Kane.

Yeah. And we're all out of work. We're just beginning to become comedian. You're just starting. Just starting. Like two years in, a year in? Yeah, year in or so year and a half. Infancy. Fledglings.

Nobody has an act. Nobody's ever made a nickel at this thing. We're not going to make money for years to come. By the way, aren't those fun times? Even though they were struggles, those were fun, the beginning is the fun time. It was so much fun and a building of new friendships. Yeah, good, yeah. People you never met before, now all of a sudden you're thrown into this room with them every single night for years to come.

You're bonding, you're both chasing the same dream, you're relating. It's so cool, yeah. So it's New Year's Eve. Yeah. And the big show of the year at the showcase clubs was New Year's Eve. They paid extra money. During New Year, they didn't pay anything. Yeah, yeah.

$5, I think it was. But on New Year's Eve, you can make like $100 or $50, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't even know if we were on the show, but there was a place to hang out on New Year's Eve for us. Yeah, right. So we were there, and we said, hey, why don't we meet tomorrow morning for brunch, the five of us, Larry Miller, Paul Reiser, Seinfeld,

myself and a guy named Michael Hampton Kane. Yeah. And we met at a place called Yellowfingers, which is a little brunch place, New Year's Day. Sure, the chef's a gynaecologist. Yeah, a good one. Those yellow fingers. Yeah, good one too.

That's from smoking before. Well, I thought it was from being a gynecologist, but everyone sees things their own way. Their own time. So, we had a brunch, and we had such a good time that we said every New Year's Day for the rest of our lives, let's meet on New Year's Day. It's like the girls from the Traveling Pants Club type of thing.

Yes. Except your guys. Yeah. Okay. And everybody's got two cheeks. Yeah. So it's not an issue with. Yeah.

Yeah. So every New Year's Day for 30 years, we had lunch on New Year's Day. You didn't miss a year? Nope. Wow, that's so cool. One year, Riser was in England. All Riser, yeah. Doing Alien.

Alien 2. Alien 2. And he was going to be there over New Year's. So Jerry, Larry, Michael, and myself, we flew to England. Wow. And we got a- On Jerry's private jet? No, there were no private jets. We were all, you know.

Did Jerry pay for it all? No, we paid our-so. So the whole trip to this was whoever made the most money for the year paid for the lunch. And then we always got a limousine. And whoever made the second most of the money paid for the limousine. Got it. So I never paid for anything for 30 years. Because I never came close to making the money these guys made.

not even cost. Yeah. So we're in London this one year, and Paul's off on New Year's Day, and we were going to rent a Rolls-Royce because they didn't have limousines. Yeah. And it was like $2,000 for the day, and we said, you know, we can fly to France in an hour for $200 each, and then we'll have lunch there. So we all went to the airport, got on a plane, went to Paris,

had lunche of course from Notre Dame, We went back to England that night, and then went home to the next day and left Paul to finish the movie. Wow. So we did this for 30 years. Wow. One year, Bill Maher joined us for the lunch, but it was too expensive. He didn't want to do his own, you know, he was like cheap wad. And one year, Steve Middleman came, but nobody lasted.

It was just the five of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Plus, you don't necessarily, even though those are good guys, you kind of have this kind of intimacy. that you've built up. I think it would be weird bringing in another guy. Even if you're friends with them, I feel like it sort of invades the sanctity of what you guys have built.

Totally true. Yeah. And we had the lunch, the brunch every New Year's Day, except one time in England, at the River Cafe, which is under the Brooklyn Bridge in Manhattan, on the Brooklyn side.

Right. And we had this joke that we did every year because one year what happened was, we asked the waiter, it was on the menu, squab. And we said, how's the squad? Because we're out of squad.

And we all looked at each other, and we knew what we were. And we all stood up and walked out. But we only walked halfway, and then we sat back to the table. Yeah. So every year, we went back, we'd ask the same way to house the squad, and we'd all get up and walk out again. So one of the great moments was, you know when you order a bottle of wine and they let you get a taste first?

Yeah, you do a little, very pretentious. Yeah, like you know what you're doing. sipping like you're just a show yeah so um they order a 700 dollar bottle of wine wow that's a lot of money yeah so uh jerry tastes it and i don't like it and they give it to paul and he tastes they got to call the owner now because you know you're not returning a 30 dollar bottle now he's got to sell this stuff for 200 dollars a glass right and except for you Everybody's paying $200 a glass. Yeah.

So the guy, of course, these guys all were on TV at the point, and, you know, he had to do it. Yeah. And but it was just always, and then we would end the day by walking over the Brooklyn Bridge from Brooklyn to Manhattan. Yeah. And when we got halfway across the bridge, that was the start of our new year.

Oh, interesting. Very symbolic. Yeah, that's cool. And we would stop on the Brooklyn Bridge for about a half hour and we would just chat with each other about the year, what you're doing, what your dreams are. By the way, just so you, I don't know if you know this doesn't sound like you,

Squab is like another word for pigeon. Yeah. You could have just walked out the door and grab one. It was New York. Plenty of them. But let me ask you this. This is kind of a sensitive question, but I think it's something that everyone's thinking.

11 inches. Are you cereal? Yeah. Your clit's 11 inches? Wait, what do you have? What's this the question? I mean, I don't mean to you. No, I apologize.

I've never heard of a clit that long. Yeah, go ahead. With Jerry, with his rocket ship success. I like. Yeah, like his meteoric rise to the stratosphere and also 11 inches. Was it awkward at some point, and even though you're the best of friends, there must have been some sort of weirdness when he just took. took off leaps and bounds almost supernaturally against everyone else.

Did that cause any type of friction or awkwardness? And do you think Jerry had to kind of figure out how to downplay it to kind of make his friends not feel, you know, you couldn't help but feel a little inferior to such a huge leap that he took? So you're talking about the time I punched him in the face for being successful? That's right. Yeah, that was a... Great solution.

Yeah, that's the only solution. Congratulations, Jerry. Yeah. Way to go. I did that to let them in. Yeah. A lot of people. When's mine coming?

It's coming. I know I can feel it. So, that's a great question. Thank you. Finally. We finally got to a good one on our end. Yeah. I'm absolutely fine with it.

And it's something that I've worked through because, you know, there is a, we're all competitive. Yeah. And there's something called jealousy you want. You think that they have. So a thousand years ago, I made a decision. It's almost biblical not to want what's not yours, you know. Yeah. And I said, listen, one of the things I know about these guys,

they're the hardest working guys in the business. Yeah. Nobody works harder than Jerry, Paul, and Larry. These guys were focused. Yeah. Serious artists. All great. All great.

Yeah. You too, by the way. Thank you. None of them were a fluke. Yeah. This was dedication, hard work, tremendous talent, and a great gift. Yeah. So what am I looking at here?

They just, you know, hit a lottery? No. Yeah, they worked for it. They earned it. And it's nice to see when you're that friendly with someone, you like to see your friends do well. But let me take the jealousy element out of it. Because that I could see you doing out of the sake of the friendship. But there's inherently when someone,

something like that happens when someone kind of is your everyday buddy and they go into the stratosphere, did it alter your mindset to a degree where it wasn't jealousy, it wasn't competitiveness, it sort of became, oh my God, Jerry's this huge star. How do I, I kind of don't know how to be around him anymore. Like he's sort of, we're here talking about the old days, but he's thinking about the next season of Seinfeld and all the stars and the money. So I guess what I I'm asking, did it made it awkward to kind of just be yourself? Did you get a little uncomfortable in your skin being around someone that had that much momentum and heat?

I was, yes, a little bit. It's inevitable. Yes, and also about around Paul Reiser because he didn't, he didn't not do, Larry had, it was in 50 movies. Yeah. But Paul had made about you arguably one of the great shows. Yeah, yeah, it was great. They both had them at the same time.

Yeah, that's right. So there was a period when I didn't see Jerry, for years because he was doing the show and he wasn't seeing anybody. Too much, yeah. Like, I don't blame him. So when I got back together with our friendship,

yeah. It was a little like, now I'm with not a, we did the first road gig together in my 76 Toyota Corolla. Wow. Your very first stand-up road gig. We went on the road together to Washington, D.C.

Yeah. And we listened to A-track, Frank Sinatra, at the Sands together. Wow. And then years later, So there was a little of that, a little apprehension. Because the dynamic shifted, and it's to nobody's fault, but yeah. But after a while, no, quickly.

Just settles in. Yeah. But I'm around them now. I've been on tour with them now for 20 years. Oh, that's great. So you're still with them. That's amazing. I'll tell you a funny story.

Yeah. I went to see him at the Seinfeld lot one time they were, you know, filming. Okay. And I pull up in my Toyota. Yeah. I had another Toyota. Okay, it wasn't the same one. It wasn't the 76.

This was like an 85 Toyota or something or whatever it was. So, anyway, he pulls up, he leaves me a spot, and he pulls up alongside of me in like this $200,000 Porsche. Wow. So I said to me, you know, I've never driven one of those. And he goes, here, he gives me the key. He goes, give me the keys to your car. Yes, do you have not lay it?

No, he goes, I'll take yours tonight. You take mine. Wow. So he left in the, like in 1988, dented Toyota. And when they saw me pulling out with Jerry's car, they weren't so sure that I didn't steal the freaking car, you know? Yeah, Rich was chasing you down the road.

Hey, that's Jerry's. You know, the guard at the CBS Radford, yeah. He's looking at me, and I go, I got a car. So, uh, wow. I was so scared to drive this $200,000 car. Yeah. I drove it about 45 miles an hour. I got it home.

I parked it. I think I stayed up all night looking at my window to make sure nothing scratched the car. Then I just immediately drove it back, put it in the spot. Give me the keys. I don't want to be near this car. I just kept picturing an accident. I just handed me the steering wheel. I go, this is this to what's left of your beautiful Porsche.

You know what's interesting is while you were saying that, it's all that's very symbolic of Jerry's ride. you know, because he was just a comic, you know, doing the road gigs in the old Toyota. And it must be kind of comparatively the same thing, like going from this kind of humble career to being Jerry, and now you are kind of this fancy car. And you've got to kind of be very delicate around it.

And it's just the whole dynamic changes and shifts. But that's sort of the exciting part of showbiz that you can be, you know, an opening. act one day and you know there's this guy out now i think his name's matt rife or something like that who was i think he was just sort of like a up-and-coming comic five months ago and now i'm hearing he's you know he's booked for 22 million dollars a year doing theaters and like it's great right for sex yeah yeah yeah it's it's wild yeah you know um absolutely absolutely true but uh you know these people work for it and yeah it's it's all good you know what's really good

about it too, even though you do have to deal with that. I had a moment in time when I was around Jim Carrey a lot and touring with them and in sort of the same situation. I wasn't, I didn't stay in contact with them as long as you have with Jerry, but, but you know, it's weird when you're around someone that that's at that level and that dynamic. I found myself sort of being uncomfortable in my skin at times around him, even though we were buddies and we were doing everything together when we're on the tour and when we were together. But it's an interesting thing grappling with people that, you know, hits such high heights.

It's not something they project, but it's just you're kind of caught in the headlights a little bit because they have so much going on. And everyone else sort of dances around them. And you almost forget how to dance around them for a minute. But I'm glad that's settled down. You get over it. Yeah. Jerry doesn't talk about his successes.

We never talk about his show. Yeah, that's good, yeah. And he doesn't brag. Yeah. He's literally, he's like a Zen master. He lives for the next great joke. Yeah, yeah. In fact, if I offered him two minutes of material,

that it was gold or a Porsche. You take the jokes. You take the joke. Yeah. Because to him, that's more valuable. Do you ever write for him? You have you ever written jokes? Of course, we throw around stuff all together when we're on the road.

I've met Jerry a few times. I think I've done a few shows with them at the local clubs. But the one time I had an experience with my ex-girlfriend was a guest star on the Seinfeld show. And so she got me to come and watch her doing the warm-ups during the week and then invited me to the show. And of course, at that time, everyone at the show knew who I was, the producers and the staff and everything. So when they broke, they said, hey, why don't you just go to the commissary and have lunch with the rest of them? And so I remember just going and all of a sudden I was plop down. I'm sitting there eating lunch with Kramer and Joe and Jerry.

And I was just like the fifth guy in the entourage just sitting there. And I don't think I said a word. I was just like so stunned to be there. And I'm just listening to them. I probably said a few little words. But it was just so cool. I was sort of like a fly on the wall. Right, right, right.

But Jerry, any interaction I've had with them has always been really nice and pleasant and seems like a nice guy, yeah. In my book there. Yeah, let's get to your book. Why not? Why not lessons on comedy cards and chutzpah? There's a story which I have right there with a bookmark. Yeah. Bookmark Schiff.

Let's just call it out. You pull that out. Well, that's what she said. That's what that is. That's a book. There's my picture of book mark. Oh, wow. That's almost too clever.

I think we're going to have to edit that out. I don't want, this is, we don't want to get too clever on this show, Mark. No. Or bookmark. Do you want me to call you a bookmark? I mean, you're a call, man. You know, I can take it. Well, you introduced it.

I think you kind of painted yourself into a corner. So anyway, the story that I have with the, that little thing here is called free cars. And my car that's outside. Yes. In the studio parking lot. Yeah. Mercedes 300D. Yes.

Was a gift from. Mr. Jerry. Jerry bought you a Mercedes. Well, he didn't buy it for me. He gave it to me. Oh, okay. It's not like we were in the store and he bought it for me. Yeah.

He owned it. And he gave it to me as a gift. Is there a reason why he bought you a diesel Mercedes? Because, you know, it's an eloquent car. It's really quiet. But when you pulled up to the studio, I'll be honest, I thought a bulldozer was coming up the road. Oh, I see the high.

The diesel. Yeah. So we're big fans of, uh, old Mercedes, this Mercedes was the year before they computerized. Oh, wow. So it's worthless. Arguably, a lot of people believe that this is the best Mercedes ever made. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. Well, it sounds like it doesn't even have air conditioning. It does have air conditioning. Well, rolling down the windows is an air conditioning mark. It air conditions. Well, you just said there's no no computers on me. board. There's nothing. You don't need a computer for air conditioning. Well, today we do.

Your parents had one of those air conditions in the wall. That was a computer. Well, mine would stick the dehumidifier in the wall. That was, yeah. Weren't right. So, yeah, so that car was a beautiful gift. You're a beautiful gift. And so are you. I have a gift for you, by the way. Can I get it? Yeah, what is it? Oh, my God.

Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a gift. Well, it's funny because I sort of heckled you when you came in, hold that up. I said, I said most of our guests don't bring a purse. And now there's what's in it as a gift. And now I feel bad. What does this look like? An ass cheek? That's right.

Oh, wow. And it's black. Cancer's ass cheek. Yep, that's right. Oh, you brought me a wrapped gift? Yeah. Well, I'm unwrapping it. Well, you, I'm going to unwrap it.

I want you to tell folks where they can get your book and what's about. Let me say something before you are wrapping. Okay. I've done a lot of podcasts. Wow. I've done a lot. I've done it for you. I have my own. Yeah, we're going to plug it now if you want. You don't know Schiff. Yes, I do. Okay. I'm looking at you. So anytime I've done a podcast, this is the first time of my life I've ever given a gift to any podcast host.

Is it a Mercedes? And it's not an antelope or an uncle lope or a, you know, a friend lope or a Swedish meatball lope. Is it a cantalope? You know, I, what is it? it take us so long to get to Canada? Well, I was holding on to it. I was trying to hope that you would say it so you'd look good. I didn't want to spewed out and steal the thunder. I didn't go up with my wife. You will. There it is. There's the book. That's my bar mitzsche picture. That's the big Jew. The what? Big Jew. Big Jew? Yeah, well, that's the big Jew, my dad. It's the short

Jew, Jew, and that's the medium-sized Jew. It's like the three Jewish bears. Six ass cheeks. For now. Yeah, you never know. Um, should I open this now? Yeah, whatever you want. It's cool. Who did the wrapping? I did. Okay, I was going to say Liberace, but you did this?

Yeah. So I thought of you with this because you're a guy and you can use something like this. I give, when I do, I get practical gifts. Is it tampons? Could be. Because I've been cramping all day. I know. I can tell.

This wasn't easy. Well, it is a tampon, a blue one like a Dr. Seuss time. Yeah, that's, it goes in. and keeps on ticking. Goodbye, PMS. Welcome, Orange. Should I open the rest?

Yeah. Okay, I didn't know how you... Oh, my God, is this a popsicle? No. Oh, my God, it's a baby porcupine. Yes, it is. Oh, on a stick. You and I both have hair.

Chest hair? No, hair on the top of the head. Yeah. And I just thought that this would be nice for you. Go ahead. Can I try it? You can try it. This isn't used, is it?

No, never used. Because I see a few pubs in there. No, never used. Well, there's some pubs. No, there are none. And they're blonde. Is this in the fun house? I remember.

All right. I don't think it works. No, you have to. What the hell is in my hair? Yeah. Oh. Look at that. Look at that.

It's like I'm getting fucked by a sea urchin. Yeah. Anyway. Ow. Enjoy that. Can I mind if I wrap this back up? It hurts. Oh, that's nasty.

Well, it hurts, guy. I like gifts. I don't like torture. Here, happy holidays. Happy Hanukkah. No, give me my gift. Thank you so much. Enjoy that.

Oh, God, you know. And you can turn it around. You can put your picture. You can put your picture there. And this is why I say to my friends, friends, go to the dollar store more. Go to the 99 cents store. We'll try to find that at the 99 cents store. Now, that's from a real store.

How much was it? It's between me and the cashier. I think it was between you and the cashier. Was she blonde? Remember her? Adios. Mark, before we go, buddy, please. plug your book,

tell us where you're on tour with Jerry by yourself, tell us any of your upcoming projects. You have other books that you've done? Let them hear it. Social media. I killed with Rich Eidner. We wrote a book called I Kill True Stories of the Road America's Top Comics. Why Not?

Lessons on Comedy, Courage, and Chutzpah, which is my latest book, a lot of great stories in here, a good show business stories, a friendly book, nobody gets hurt in this book. Yeah. At the podcast, you don't know Schiff,

Markshiff.com is my, you know, my Instagram I got Mark Schiff. I got Twitter. I'm all there, baby. He's all there. I don't tweet and like you like you. Well, since I've been brushing my hair, I don't do much of anything anymore. I love your hair. You and I are blessed with the hair thing.

Yeah. How many of your friends? You know, if you didn't have hair, you'd look 20 years. You know these are plugs, right? I know half of them are. Okay, as long as you know some of them. Mar. Yeah, I can.

I'd like to plug something now, too. Yeah, so. My hair. So there's my book. That's a gift. That's a gift, too. So I got a brush in a book. They both start with B.

Yeah. Well, B is for Buddy, and you've been a buddy over the years. And folks, Mark is one of the funniest guys. I've been admiring you since the beginning when we started, and he's, he's what you call a solid, solid, solid comic, man. You really know how to work the craft properly. And it's always been an honor watching you and working with you. And it's so great to have you here.

And we got to have you back because I want to hear your story about the crow. Yeah. And we also do a feature on this show called Words from a Wooden Shoe, but we ran out of time because you've been here longer than almost any other guest. And so next time we're going to do that. so folks check out mark mark thank you for being here this is the harland highway podcast mark schiff handsome harland williams i said handsome can i say one last thing we got a house and we got to go until next time everybody chicken chau main baby lock the doors and paint your

windows we'll see you next time Thanks, buddy. Do you want the brush before you go? Okay, that wasn't Jewish. That was totally like Komodo Dragon. All good. Stop rubbing your tuts. I won't do it anymore.