The Harland Highway - New Harland Highway # 79 - Harland goes solo and talks corn, driving, and FOOD!

Episode Date: October 17, 2023

Harland goes solo and talks corn, driving, and FOOD! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Chick, chick, chick, chick. Uh-huh. That's right. Oh, that's right. Oh, that's, that's a hundred percent. right. Well, that's 100% right now, child. You don't know where you are? You lost? I'll tell you where you are. You're on a Holland Highway podcast player. Yeah, man, you're here. Don't wonder where you are. Don't, where's Waldo? Who gives a fuck were that red and white striped freaky? You know where Waldo is? He's probably hiding behind the Eiffel Tower. There. Spoiler alert. Who cares where Waldo is. Where are you? You're right here. Come on. You're right here. On a Halahawa podcast. And I can say it clear. You're on the Harlan Highway podcast.

I can say it with a speech impediment. Y'allahua, Pongha. I could even do like an Asian accent. Oh, you're on the Holland Highway podcast, funny guy. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how you do it. You're here. Have you ever looked at a mall menu or an airport menu or out on the city street and there's a little red dot on a map and it says, you are here? Guess what, Twinkletoes?

Right now, you're a little red dot and you're right here. You're a little acne pimple, a little red swollen acne pimple, and you're right here, oh, ha, ha, ha. And before we get gone, before we cut into the meat, before we slice the beef of this show,

I got to say thank you, okay? We just passed like the 50,000 subscriber mark here on the Harland Highway podcast on YouTube. Thank you, everybody thank you for doing that you know we started about a year ago started at next to zero and in a year we've we've hit 50 50 000 subscribers and i'm hoping we keep going to 100 but couldn't have done it

without y'all please tell your friends if you haven't subscribed yet if you're watching this if you are here just hit that subscribe button right now help us out and uh man we'll just keep growing We'll just keep growing. We'll be bringing more guests, more people, more fun. And tell your friends about it. I mean, you know, tell your wacky, nutty friends about it. Get their big blubbery, vainy purple butts on the Harlan Highway. But thank you from the top of my heart, not from the bottom,

because that's all the crap sinks to the bottom. The cream rises, that's you. From the top of me heart. From the top of me, sweetheart, thank you. Thank you so kindly for subscribing and watching the Harland Hayway podcast. Jeez, idiot. But anyways, no, this is a real milestone and very excited. And let's just keep going, uh, cheers.

Cheers to 50,000 subscribers. Oh, sweet, like a dead bee that just bounced off a 1973 Gremlin Cadillac. Speaking of cars, oh my God, I got to talk about this. I didn't know this, y'all, and you probably couldn't tell by looking at me, but I'm a control freak. I don't like to say that out loud. I don't like to admit to my flaws, or is it a flaw? You tell me, let me describe why I'm a control freak.

a power monger, as they say. Do you drive? I think most of you drive, right? And you're driving along and you're just, you're going to the grocery store, you're going to the taxidermist to get a, you know, maybe you caught a gopher and you want an action pose

where the gopher's like, you know, with its teeth, you know, just claws out. Maybe it's got a carrot in one hand. I don't know how you do your taxidermy. How am I supposed to know how you like your animal stuffed with sawdust. How do I know that?

We're not that tight. But maybe you're going to the dentist. Maybe you're going to six flags to ride around on a ferris wheel and puke manatee guts all over people. I don't know, but when you're driving, you eventually will come to an intersection, a stop sign, four lane stop sign, two lane stop sign, whatever it is.

And I don't know if you've noticed this, but when you stop, people sort of lack direction if you all kind of assimilate at the same time. If you all sort of merge at the same moment, there's this kind of guessing, oh, do you go? Do I go? No, is it you? No, is it me? No, maybe it's you. Or should I, you want me to go?

You know what? Why don't you go? No, me? Oh, well, no, you go first. You know what I mean? There's that indecisiveness, maybe the cars like kind of jostle forward. a little and then stop and there's like no one seems to know what to do but for me for me that's when power hungry boy comes to life that's where i might as well sneak into a nuclear power plant

and get my teeth and just suck on one of those big smokestacks and just suck energy and power because i i am wallowing in it okay because here's what happens i'm sitting there and i see these other people, indecisive, unsure, and all of a sudden, here's me, somebody they've never met, someone they don't know anything about, I don't know them, they don't know me, and I'm just sitting there, and suddenly I've become part of their lives, and I just go, right? I just motion to them out of nowhere, I just go, yeah, go, yeah. Sometimes I'll leave my palm right on the steering, but I want it, I'll just be like, you know, it's like I'm flicking a butterfly off my shoulders.

Like, go, yeah, no, you go, right? But sometimes they're like, hey, hey, go, go, go, just go, go. It's like I'm meeting an Italian kid for the first time at an Italian wedding. Hey, Jimmy, look at, look at, oh, little Jimmy, huh? Oh, look at little Jimmy, right? It's just like, go, go. And these people are like, what, me? Yeah.

And you're like, yeah, go. Sometimes you do the double, right? You do the, first you do the head nod, and then you do the thing. It's like, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, right? It's like intersection calisthenics or whatever that word is. I don't know, I don't know Cala words. I know California. I know Calibrate.

I know Caleb, which I think he was one of the children of the corn, like the demented kid with the freckles and the diarrhea stained teeth. But in that moment, man, you know, I was just a humble guy. I was just a guy going to the gym. I was just a guy going down to 7-Eleven to buy some corn dogs and maybe get a slushy. Maybe I was just going down to, you know, catch a movie. Who knows what I was doing?

Some mundane thing. No one else involved in it but me. And now suddenly I'm a choreographer. Suddenly I'm choreographing an intersect. You, girl, yeah, you, yeah. And I could have gone. I could have been the guy that went. But here's where I'm talking about this power,

this incestual power crave that I have. I sit there and I do it on purpose. I wait. I become the orchestra guy, right? I become the conductor. Suddenly I'm Martin Scorsese or Woody Allen. Suddenly I'm a big time director. You go, go, go, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, come on.

Go, go, go, go, go. Oh, yeah. Sometimes I'll do the wink, I'll do the, like, suck in the cheeks, pretend I'm a little bit of a male model, right, I'll suck in the chinks, the cheeks into a wink, I'll be like, Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes, the answer is yes, you always. want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you

buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and free. fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer, to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Yeah. It's almost too hot to put on camera. It's dangerous. I shouldn't even been doing it. But it's this empowering

moment that I have where I get to be the bandleader. I get to be the mayor of intersectionville, okay? And I like it. In a world where we're losing more and more rights and we're losing more and more freedoms and we're walking on eggshells and we don't know how to look at each other or how to say things to each other. We're all terrified and cowardly and here I am in the middle of a four-way intersection. Pleat strangers. I have no idea whether they're rich or poor or ugly or fat or beautiful. I don't know what they've been dealing with.

Maybe they're going through a divorce. Maybe they won the lottery. It doesn't matter. All I know is in that moment, Big Daddy stepped into their lives and told them what the hell to do. Hey. right so i enjoy that that that's my power grab right there i'm not looking for money or politics or social status i just want to be the wrangler i want to be the intersection wrangler i want to be

the guy there running that circus four octagon red signs with four letters stop and everyone stop and who breaks the stoppage, me, who busts open the dam, me. Hey, hey, hey, oh, yeah. And I'll just sit there for a second afterwards instead of just following them. You know, I don't want them to think, oh, I let them go, and now I'm just behind them. Now I'll sit there and marinate for a minute and just be like, I'm the man. I am the man, right? And they don't know.

They don't know me. They don't know my intentions. They don't know that they've just been used. They don't know that they were just puppeteered in my little play. They don't know that they became human marionettes and I willed them to do my bidding. Yeah. Power, baby. It's power.

Power over people. If you're ever feeling insufficient, have you ever feeling small, if you're ever feeling like you're not making any inroads in the world, if you're feeling unseen, and you need to rejuvenate, you need to refuel your system, you need to remind somebody that you've got a little oomph,

just go to the nearest intersection and get in charge baby get the f in charge and uh suck on that power suck on that dirty dirty incestuous infectious power oh god what else have we got here um oh my god I want to talk about growing up.

We all grew up somewhere. We all had our lives with our families as children, right? And for a lot of us, maybe it wasn't an easy journey. For a lot of us, maybe growing up was a tough time, being in a family, wasn't as fluid as maybe some other families. Maybe they weren't as harmonious as other families. And I got to tell you, my family, so I want to talk about it, a lot going on. My family, let's just say there were a lot of tears, a lot of crying growing up,

but not just me, but my brothers, my sisters, my parents, just seems like people were crying all the time in my family. And yes, we ran an onion farm. So, okay. Okay, maybe the crying wasn't emotional crying. Maybe it was from harvesting onions. But there was still a lot of crying. But nonetheless, once we got inside,

away from the fumes from the onions and the tears subsided, there was a strange household. Look, I'm going to say it. You know, next door to our onion farm was a corn farm. And our family seemed to gravitate around corn. We were a corn family. We loved corn. And I don't know if there was a fetish element about it. I don't know if there was just a hunger or a craving for it. I don't know what it was,

but we are bonkers about corn. And even to the point where my dad on the weekends, he would duct taped me and my sisters to the wall in the basement and make us walk. And make us walk. my mother eat corn like we're talking on the cob here gang and my mother didn't just eat corn the normal way you know where you twirl it like this way my mother would put the corn cob in her mouth this way you know how when you put a chicken wing in your mouth not not the not the leg but the the wing part the the one that looks like this and you put it in your teeth and you kind of rip the meat off of it yeah that's what my mother would do she'd put she'd shove a whole cob right in her mouth and then pull it out and kind of suck the niblets

right off of it i don't know why my dad thought it was important we saw that he duct tape us up to the wall near the ceiling and we'd just be up there like watching our mother like suck the niblets off of this corn with her teeth just like and then she'd roll my great grow my grandmother in She loved the corn, but she liked it the normal way, right? But she had to spite her crippling arthritis. I mean, she looked like a velociraptor that just got out of a masseuse parlor. I mean, she had claws like a, I mean, she could get down on a river and swat salmon out of the air with these things. And she would grab a cob of corn and somehow she knew how to twirl that thing.

Almost like, you know, someone in a band twirling a baton or a hula. hoop. She could spin that cob like a pile of clay on Patrick Swayze's hemorrhoid covered fucking diarrhea hole. But anyways, she would just spin that thing and the niblets would just fly in her mouth and her teeth were so bad. She had gum rot and her gums were actually black. And some of the kids thought she was a pirate. But her gums were so bad and she'd spin that corn. so much that her teeth would lay on top of it and start, like, flapping. You ever get hockey cards or baseball cards and stick them in the spokes of your bicycle and it makes that noise?

It sounds like a... So when Granny would start twirling those cobs, it sounded like she had spokes and a bicycle wheel. And then we had one of our uncles, he was non-traditional. He didn't like to get the cob going. in his mouth so he would he would actually grab the cob and cut the niblets off into a bowl and then just kind of eat the niblets out of a bowl and in my head i'm like player please i mean what up dog like just go open a can of green giant the jolly guy go open a can of the jolly green giant and pour yourself some niblet player i mean what's all this

cutting the niblets off a carb of corn that's too much work man what's the point well you can't just pick it up and spin it like granny so yeah man we were we were a corn family we'd have corn roast we'd get a big black calder and we looked like like a bunch of witches and my old man would bring like bushels of corn and we'd pull all that hair out you know how corn got that silk in the top it's like you you're molesting a scarecrow you're just ripping and ripping that silky angel hair out of the top of a cob. Feels like you're ripping the stuffing out of that freak from the Wizard of Oz, that demented scarecrow.

Just pulling his guts out, right? Then we'd throw like 30, 40 cobs into this black cauldron and everyone would stand around like the witches from Macbeth. Boil, boil, trouble and toil. Worst thou thou, saith, Shakespeare. like, well, or whatever. I don't know Shakespeare. We were a corn family.

Corn families don't know Shakespeare. Jeez. And then we'd have these, these cobs bubbling around, and we'd sit there, and you know, normally at a meal you eat one cob, right? But when you go out of your way to boil like 40 cobs,

for some reason your brain goes, oh, I better eat. At least five or six, maybe seven or eight cobs, you know, it's like when you go to the drive-thru for a hamburger. What do you do? You go in, you get one burger, you eat it, eat the fries, you go home. But for some reason, when you have your own barbecue at home, hey, anyone want another burger? Sure, I just ate one big enough to constitute a whole meal.

Sure, why don't I just have another one? I'd never do that if I was cooking in the kitchen. I'd never do that if I was at the drive-thru. I wouldn't go to McDonald's and order a second Big Mac, but since we're outside and it's on the barbecue, yeah, give me another whole one. And then after that, hey, anyone want another one? Yeah, I guess I'll do another one.

You know, it's like, so that's what happens with a corn roast. You just keep twirling those cobs and your gums like a ferris wheel that came off its hinges and rolled all the way down the street and smashed through fucking Barry Mandelow's front door and knocked him off his couch and shot him into his fucking hot tub where he was covered with fucking Uncle Ben's Minute Rice

and a fucking carrot cake. What the fuck? Sorry, gang. Sometimes I just, I get so absorbed in this beautiful thing we call a podcast that I get carried away. Apologies.

So anyways, we're a corn family. But speaking of food, look, we're talking about food. Do you eat? Do you eat at all, folks? Here's my dilemma. I was talking about fast food and food in general. And here's where I have problems, okay? I'll go to the grocery store.

I'll buy a shopping cart full of food. I'll try to think healthy. It's like, oh, I'm at the store. I've got all these choices. Let me buy eggs and some lettuce. and some carrots and some cucumber, you know, stuff you'd never buy at McDonald's or in an out burger or fat burger.

Suddenly you go into, oh, now I can eat healthy. Now I have healthy choices. Now I'll get stuff that I should be eating. So in order to make myself feel good, I start throwing stuff in my cart. Oh, here's a bag of fresh peas. Oh, carrots. I hear carrots are good for the eyes.

I haven't eaten them in about 20 years. How about some apples? Oh, there's a plum. Hey, wouldn't it be fun to cut up a pineapple and just eat those succulent healthy chunks? So here I go, fill in my cart, like hundreds of dollars worth of stuff. I get it all home. What happens? Two things.

Half of it, I eat it all. Like, I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh, there's this beautiful box of waffles in my freezer. Oh, there's some peanut butter. Oh, there's a bag of chips. Oh, there's an English muffin. Oh, there's a microwave dinner. So I'm just like, why not let's go? And you just keep eating and eating and eating.

And then you get to the other stuff. Oh, yeah, there's those carrots. Maybe I'll eat those tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day or the next day or the next week or the next week. Maybe the next month. When did they go rotten? Right, I'll decide to eat them the day they go rotten, realize that's the day they go rotten,

and then I have an out. Oh, I don't have to eat the carrots, they're rotten, right? So when I go out and spend money on food, I either eat too much of it or I end up throwing half of it in the garbage because it passed its expiration date. And then I realized I bought it just to make myself feel good. Oh, I bought some fresh green beans. How healthy. But my mind goes, okay, you bought them,

so therefore you've reaped the benefits of all their nutrients and all their positive effects, all their positive dietary effects. But then after you've thrown them out, you go, wait, I didn't benefit from them because I didn't eat them and I wasted money. But you almost pick stuff up just to trick yourself psychologically saying, well, if I bought it, I must have eaten it.

But you don't, you throw it away. And so I find ordering food if I call the cheesecake factory or I do postmates and get Chipoli or I'm only ordering so much. I'm ordering enough for one sitting. Okay, I got some chicken and shrimp gumbo from the cheesecake factory and a side order of stuffed mushroom caps. Boom, that's all I'm going to eat today. That's my meal.

I'm not going back to the fridge for a White Castle frozen cheeseburger. I'm not making myself a peanut butter toast. I'm not eating a bowl of cereal with fattening milk. I made my order. Boom. It was a bit of a hassle. I had to call. I had to wait.

I had to this. I had to order. I had to that. But it's done. And so there's always this argument. about what's better buying groceries or eating out. I don't know. I have to challenge the whole buying groceries thing.

Is it healthier? Is it more economical? I think I end up throwing out half of what I spent when I buy stuff at the grocery store. Whereas when I order something or I go pick up fast food, I tend to eat most of it. Very little waste. And they go, well, okay, but fast foods like a cheeseburger and a bag of fresh beans.

Well, what good are the beans doing me if I don't eat them, if I don't consume them? So I don't know. And then you got this whole thing. If you watch the TikTok, TikTok, TikTok, TikTok, if you watch the old TikTok, TikTok, you watch these clips on TikTok and Instagram. And it's like every third clip is, oh, meat will kill you, meat will destroy you, meats the end of you, meat's guaranteed to give you cancer, you can't eat meat anymore. Okay. And then two weeks later, there's no evidence that meat can kill you.

You should be eating meat, making a part of your daily diet. And then I see guys go through grocery stores. Well, I bet you didn't know this. Oatmeal is a meth. Your whole life, they told you oatmeal was good for you. guess what? It's not. It's killing your intestines.

Did you know that olive oil and flaxseed oil are horrible? Margarine's the worst thing you can put in your body. Coffee is going to kill you like bros. Brocephiosches. We can't eat anything. We can't consume anything according to all these experts. And then every few months, some expert comes up with, you know what the superfood is?

You know what the mega food? that will guarantee you live to 312 and never get a disease. That's right. Beats. Oh, yes, we're selling beet juice and we've made beet pills and we're going to beat you to death with these beats until you believe us. Right? Or some supermodel, Cindy Crawford or Cher, find some obscure melon in the back roads of China or Vietnam,

some melon that looks like it, it looks like one of the doctors. Seuss's dingleberries, right? It's got spikes on it. It's practically got eyes. You cut it open, and it looks like you just fell into the labyrinth. You're waiting for David Bowie to step out. It's like some kind of, it's like a psychedelic Picasso painting inside this weird exotic fruit. And suddenly this is the miracle food.

Oh, yeah, drink these, make a smoothie. Eat the seeds at midnight with a cold, cloth over your forehead. You'll live to be 712. What the hell? And see, this is all marketing and emotion and expertise and opinion. But you know what the human body does? The human body just needs sustenance. Okay? It needs vitamins and minerals. It can get almost everything it needs from a pizza with meat and veggies on it. Think of all the food groups in a pizza. There's meat, there's cheese, there's bread, there's vegetables.

There's, like, that's a lot of the food groups right there in a pizza. And even a cheeseburger, you got lettuce, you got tomato, you got meat, you got bread, you got, you know what I'm saying? Now, is it all good for it? I don't know, but the body doesn't care. We just psychologically attach things to food. food. Look at, do you know how many nutrients are probably in a pig's brain or a cow's eye or a liver or a spleen or an intestine from a goat? It's probably got all the nutrients of a smoothie,

a healthy smoothie. You spent $25 for at your spa as the undesirable cuts of meat and foods. So the body doesn't discern between, you know, what it looks like and what its nutritional value is. So when you get on the TikTok, TikTok, and you hear all these opinions and all these studies and all this research about what you're supposed to eat and what you can't eat and, oh, my God, it drives you nuts. You get to the point where you get guilty

when you go shopping for food. You're like walking down the aisle with your little cars, like, oh, God, there's some granola bars, oh, God, please forgive me, Lord. Oh, Pop-Tarts, Blueberry Pop-Tarts, please, Lord God, Holy Lamb of Ost, please forgive me, oh, forgive me, Satan, get thee behind me, Satan, oh, some pepperage farm cookies, Satan, get thee behind me, devil. It's like you can't do, you can't ingest anything anymore. everyone's got you so ass backwards and then you break it down and you go okay let's say I just

ate ate like a tortoise for the rest of my life no meat no cholesterol no butter no salt I ate I ate immaculately according to the experts I cut out all the processed foods and all the additives are those people really living that much longer than the rest of us that are just eating whatever we want, willy-nilly? Does the guy that eats celery for breakfast and pomegranates for lunch and carrot juice for dinner, statistically, is that guy outliving the guy that sucks down a cheeseburger, a chocolate shake, and a bacon sandwich in a day? And if he is outliving him, well, what's the variable?

I doubt it's 30, 40, 50 years. Maybe you gain a year, maybe you don't. Who's to say, look, who's to say that the guy that's eating healthy isn't the one that's going to die first? That's what I mean. When you take all the emotion and all of the data out of eating, aren't we all just sort of cows grazing in the field consuming? I mean, unless you're morbidly obese or you've got diabetes or you've eaten yourself

into a corner where you're not healthy, yes, that could limit your lifespan. But if you're functioning at a normal level, just kind of eating what you want every day and not getting fat and not being a glutton, is there any evidence anywhere that life lasts any longer? You ever see these videos of, this is Don Smith, he's 120 years old today.

Don, tell us your secret. How do you live to be a hundred and twenty, Don? Well, I smoke 12 packs of cigarette today. I drank tequila every night for most of my life. And I suck fat off of spare ribs before I go to sleep. I mean, if you noticed, it's rarely a healthy story. These people that live forever. Have you ever heard one of the...

Well, I ate a green salad every... day. I had yogurt in the morning. I restricted myself to one banana on the weekends. And then once a month, I would do a cleanse all over my bed sheets just so I could see what was exactly inside of me. Like, I don't know. Is it really worth going through life with all the guilt about what you eat? Just eat responsibly. Mix the bad with the good and go about your life. I'm not a doctor. I'm just a guy that sits at intersections and controls traffic. I don't control what you eat.

I'm just throwing up food for thought, no pun intended. So there you go. That just made me really hungry. Let me see what else I got to talk about here. yeah just eat um i want to do something on the pod today that normally i reserve for my guests okay i think you're familiar with the segment right here it's a dutch clog it's from holland and it's a little segment i call words from a wooden shoe inside are a bunch of random words words. And normally I just have the guests do that, but I'm not going to let a little cocoa

do it because he doesn't know how to read and he only has one hand. So today I'm going to do words from a wooden shoe. I'm going to reach inside, not looking. I'm going to pull out a rando word, random piece of paper, haven't seen it. Okay. I am going to open it up. Let me put the peepers on my jeepas creepus peepers and see what it says what does it say worst kiss ever oh wow what was the worst kiss ever oh i think i remember it was one of the worst i don't know if it's the worst but i think it might have been the worst kiss ever. I was early in my stand-up comedy career, and I had a gig on the eastern coast of Canada. It was in Nova Scotia or, I don't know, New Brunswick, one of those maritime provinces right

on the coast there. And I met a girl at a bar, cute girl, really sexy, nice, as I went out after my stand-up show to some nightclub and I'll never forget there was some some really hot girl on the other side of the bar and I just thought what the hell you see this in the movies all the time so I just went like this I went you know it's I should have gone but I went like this I actually did the old finger wiggle and she just to my delight in my surprise she looked up she was like and I went yeah come on over so she came on over, we hung out, we started to talk, got to know each other,

probably danced a little bit, and I think maybe we smooched, and then I went back home to my hotel, but we exchanged numbers, and she was like, we agreed, why don't you come by in the morning, right? So I'm thinking, okay, that'll be cool. You know, I'll wake up, I'll get a little shower, or maybe have some breakfast, and then she'll come over to the hotel. Who knows, I was young. Maybe we can fool around, right?

What's better than being on the road and you meet a hot girl and you just you get to fool around in a hotel room? So she comes over, it's morning, it's probably, I don't know, 11, 10, 11 in the morning. She comes over, she's looking pretty good, not quite as good as I remembered her in the dark lights of the nightclub. And I'm sure she was probably thinking the same about me. But she was still cute, a little cutie. and we're talking and this and that and I'm thinking, you know, let's just get down to business. I think we kind of want to make out. So we kind of came together, started making out, and I'll never forget it.

I guess, you know, when you wake up and you have morning breath? Maybe, maybe just maybe old lobster lips didn't have anything to eat or drink when she popped up out of bed. Maybe she didn't brush the old teetholas. Maybe she should have had a Kool-Aid or some raspberry toe, something to get the funk out of her mouth. You know that scum that grows in your mouth when you're asleep? That green slime. It's like if Shrek could flake his skin in your mouth while you're asleep

and that's kind of where it is, right? So we went in for the kiss and I'm like, oh, this is great. first thing, and then I was like, oh, whoa, it smelled. Like, it wasn't that morning breath that's kind of, you know, kind of, uh, it's kind of, uh, this was like, it smelled like someone didn't put the lid down in an outhouse. I'll just say it. It was, it was manure breath.

It was shit mouth. It was Donnie diarrhea time. And this, I was just like, oh, oh, and it was morning. and I, you know, I'd maybe been drinking a little the night before, so maybe I was a little bit, and I did not need to have the kibo on my mouth. It was rough. It was rough. So, needless to say, I found a way out of it. I was like, oh, hey, I got to go catch a flight.

I guess it looks like we're leaving, and I think I was leaving the next day, but I think I had to do something to get her out of there. And it's weird because when I saw her at the nightclub and I did my move, like I was so attracted to her. I was so like, oh, my God, I just want to make out with this girl. And I was hoping she felt the same. And then it's amazing how just like 12, 13 hours later, I was just completely repulsed.

And I was like, oh, get away. Get away. And for all I know, she could have been thinking the same for me. I don't know. But I usually, like, in the morning, I'll have a drink right away or brush the teeth or something. Even if I'm alone, I want to get rid of that, you know, that taste, that horse barn taste in your mouth.

Maybe if you ate more carrots and fresh green beans, you won't have that in your mouth, Mr. Williams. Well, suck my grandmother's corn on the cob, you some bitch. so there you go gang um and i think that kind of wraps it up for today i think we're in good shape i think we had a fun pod um want to thank you again so much for um for participating in this um you know when i started the podcast i was like i don't know is this going to work am i going to like it i got to tell you i'm loving it i want to say a big thank you to all the incredible guests that come on my show. I have such a, I try to keep a nice variety of guests from actors to

band people to directors to just, just interesting people. And man, oh man, it's been really fun getting to know my guests and having laughs with them and hearing their stories. And I hope you guys are digging it too. So for the last time, please tell your friends about the Harland Highway. Send them a link. Just hit them up in a text and say, hey, you got to. check this out if we if we put up a clip you know every week we put up clips send a clip to a friend and please remember to subscribe to the show and uh we'll just keep the hits coming baby so i don't want to boss you around i don't want to control you but i am on the harland highway and i've been driving this podcast and whoops i just pulled up to a four-way intersection and who do i see

through my window you it's time to go uh go go go yeah thank you for being here happy driving safe trails. And until next time, chicken. Chalmain, baby. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I'll go. Yeah. No, you're, you're. Yeah. Okay. I'll go. Yeah. No, you still. I'll go for, yeah. Okay, yeah. I forgot my drink. Yeah, I'm going, yeah.