The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #81

Episode Date: November 8, 2023

Harland remembers Matthew Perry, talks about his new WINGMAN movie, and discusses a new sport he's taken up. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Promo Harland to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Choo for sponsoring the podcast today. Thank you, Blue Choo. And now let's get going rolling down the Harland Highway. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Heartland Highway Show Harland Williams

A one, a two A one, two, three Mm-hmm Uh-huh Oh well now That's right Ladies and gentlemen That's right

I don't care if you say it in Cajun I don't care if you say it in the gold's proper English I don't know if I don't care if you use a fancy British accent and I don't care if you're the occasion Well, however you say it Uh-huh, now that right Well, now that's right, isn't it? However you say it, that looks

You're on the Harland Highway podcast, okay? Now that's right. Mm-hmm. How are you doing, folks? Wow, good to be back. As you know, we missed last week. I had to play a repeat episode of the

Halahawahparkin because yours truly was a way. I was away doing something that I've always dreamed of doing. I was away directing a feature film. It's a movie that I wrote. It's a movie

that I directed. It's a movie that I'm starring in. A little bit of history on the movie. I didn't originally want to star in it because directing and writing was a enough, but it's such a unique character that I kind of whittled down my choices and I realized sort of at the end of the day, it was maybe only me who could play this character.

So I ended up deciding to jump in front of the camera and, man, oh man, tough. A lot of work directing and acting in and writing your own film. holy god like talk about not having a millisecond to think you're just boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom you're dealing with wardrobe you're dealing with with art department you're dealing with hair of makeup you're dealing with props you're dealing with lighting you're dealing with the director of photography you're dealing with locations you're dealing with vehicles you're dealing with the other actors you're dealing with your own lines it's just insanity but But wow, what a fun challenge.

What a great challenge. The movie's called Wingman. And it's basically about a wingman, a professional wingman played by me, who helps guys that can't score girls, score girls. He does it for a living. So I won't tell you too much more about it. We're going to be jumping into the editing process and all that stuff really soon here. But a really fun cast.

We had comedian Russell Peters was in the movie. A comedian actor Jamie Kennedy was in the movie. Just a great, great cast. And for those of you wondering, because there's a bit of activity online, I did ask Bobby Lee to be in it for one of the roles. And Bobby was amazing. Without even reading the script, Bobby goes, yeah, I'm there. When do you want me?

What do you want me to do? And what happened is the movie kind of kept getting delayed by a little bit. And in the end, the timing didn't work out to have Bobby in the movie, even though I wanted him in and he wanted to do it. It just, things just didn't fall into place. So regretfully, Bobby's not in the movie, even though he was signed up for it. So hopefully we'll have Bobby in the next one, because you know, I love, I love me some Bobby Lee. Love me some, even while saying occasion style, I love me some Bobby Lee, man. That was sort of Jamaican. I love me some Bobby Lee, man.

I got me some Bobby Lee Rasta, Rumba Blood Clot, man. So there you go. That's why we were away. I had to play a repeat. And speaking of Bobby Lee, I played the Bobby Lee on repeat because that's my top episode. And I thought it's one of my earliest episodes. It's the most viewed episode. And I thought, you know, there's probably people out there that never saw it.

a great episode and uh so that's the one i put on replay and uh sounds like people sing it for the first time really loved it and people who uh had already seen it are watching it again so there you go um but let's switch gears let's jump in by the way i want to show off this t-shirt before we get going um look at this one of one of the fans of the podcast let me move the microphone um they drew a t-shirt for me and if you look it's the astronaut sitting right here on my desk and it's the kooky wooden head there's the wooden head guy there's his eyes and then there's the kooky astronaut and um this was sent in by a fan he i guess he has a t-shirt company called banana bros banana bros and uh they're not official endorsement uh people

for the show, but I want to, I want to just give them a shout out because this, this is like, I think this is hand drawn onto the shirt, kind of doing what I do with my homemade t-shirts. I think they, they airbrushed or drew right onto the shirt. And so, my, my thanks to the banana bros, great job. I love the shirt, very representative of the Harland Highway podcast studio. And so check out the banana. Bros. I believe they have a website, and they have all kinds of wacky, cool custom-style t-shirt. So thanks, guys. Thank you for sending this. I love the creativity, man. Great job.

So there you go. But let's get into the pod. Let's get into the potty pod. I want to talk about, you know, it's always sad when people pass away, obviously, right? Nobody wants anyone to pass away. except maybe Hitler, and people from, people of that ilk. And that is a weird word, ilk. It sounds sort of like some kind of like rare mountain goat. You know what I mean? Like it's like in the Himalayas or up in the somewhere in the mountains in Iran, there's the wild ilk. Oh, look at the wild ilk.

Is that even how people talk when they see an ilk? well, it can't be the way they talk because an ilk doesn't exist. So the way I just talked is not even part of reality. And at this point, if I were you, I would shut this podcast off because clearly I'm not even centered in reality and I'm clearly using up your time. But if you do believe in the great mighty ilk, then there you go.

But let me circle back on the back of my ilk. Um, we never want people to pass away. And someone we kind of all probably, uh, were charmed by and, and, and, and someone who brought laughter and merriment into our life is, um, is our good friend from, uh, from friends, Matthew Perry. And, uh, he just passed away. And so tragic at the age, I think he was 54 when he passed away. And, um, it struck a personal chord with me because I knew Matthew, and I heard a lot of his book. He wrote a book, and he put it on audio, and somebody uploaded it on to Instagram and TikTok. And so I kept hearing all these little passages from his audio book, and a lot of the material was sent around his movie,

The Whole Nine Yards, which is a movie that I had the pleasure of doing with him, him and Bruce Willis and Michael Clark Duncan, another guy who passed away way too early. And now Bruce Willis, who hasn't passed away, but from what I've read and seen, he's in the deep throes of some kind of a degenerative ailment. I don't know if it's Alzheimer's or what it is, but it's like, my God, you know,

it just seems like, you know, a few years ago, here I was doing this movie with these guys, who are at the, you know, the pinnacle of health, and now two are gone and one is, is, you know, receding. And it's just, you know, it's very, it's very poignant when people you've, have personal connections with start to drop off and drift away. And so I thought I'd take a moment to talk about Matthew, such a funny, energized guy. You know, we have a bit of a history that started even before we did the whole nine yards. I did a pilot way back when I had a sitcom called Simon, and my co-star was Jason Bateman,

and I remember Matthew Perry and the friends gang, they came to the taping of the pilot, and I met Matthew back then. and then Matthew and I actually shared. I don't know if that's the proper term, but we both dated the same girl for a certain time. So I don't know if you say we shared a girlfriend or we, you know, we were with a girlfriend. I don't know what the terminology is.

It's just words. And so we had a connection there. But then when we got on the set of the whole nine yards, I'll never forget the first day I saw him, he popped out of his trailer, and I was walking over to the Harem makeup trailer, and he was like, hey, Harland, and I was like, hey, how are you doing? And big smile on his face, twinkle in his eyes. And the first thing he said to me, it was such a nice compliment,

something about Mary had just come out. And he said to me, he goes, how does it feel to be in the number one movie of the sun? and have the best scene in the whole movie of the number one movie of the summer, something about Mary. And I was just like kind of, I was just, I was blown away. It was a compliment enough that he just said, how does it feel to be in that movie?

But then for him to single out my moment in that movie, which wasn't very big as the best scene to him, I'm not saying it's the best in the movie, but clearly to him he enjoyed it. And I was just like, wow, he didn't have to do that. He didn't have to say that. And so it was such a nice, a nice thing for him to say and gracious. And, you know, sometimes people in the entertainment industry have egos

and they're not always quick with the compliments or propping someone else up. And he did that right on greeting me on the set of that movie. So it was really great. And I remember being on set with him and Bruce and Natasha Hensridge and Michael Clark Duncan and Kevin Pollock. It was quite the ensemble cast and everyone having fun. And many of my scenes were with Matthew and Bruce and Rosanna Arquette. And I just remember the camaraderie.

I remember the joking around that he did with everybody. and I remember one night, me, him and I, we went out together. We went out drinking together. It was just me and him, and we went to a bar in Montreal. And we were out like all evening and having drinks and just laughing at the time. You know, I always go through these phases where I have sayings. I have stupid sayings that I like to do. I think we all do that, right?

You all have little catchphrases that. you get hooked on for a few weeks or a few months and then they drift away. Well, as fate would have it during the shooting of the whole nine yards, I was hooked on this stupid saying where I'd just, after everything, I'd say, you should meet my dad, right? So I'd be like, you know, someone could say anything. It's like, hey, what a beautiful day. And I'd say, you should meet my dad, you know.

So I was in that phase and I started saying it on set. And in particular to Matthew, and he just, It tickled them pink for some reason. And so he started saying it. And so now here we are out drinking or on set. And every time anyone said anything, me and him would just, you should meet my dad. Hey, that was a great take. Oh, you should meet my dad.

Hey, when's lunch? Oh, you should meet my dad. So it just kept going and going. So we had a big laugh. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I guess the thing I'm circling into this conversation about Matthew is, you know,

it just goes to show how deadly addiction and the destruction it causes is, Because when I listen to Matthew's audio book, he talked about, well, being on the whole nine yards, being very dependent on pills and drinking his brains out and getting hammered all night and coming to set hung over and taking pills to pick him up. And here's where it's such a deceptive disease is I never knew it. The whole movie, like, I didn't know that he was an alcoholic. I didn't know that he was taking pills. And I almost feel guilty the night we were out drinking together. You know, yes, he was drinking, but I just took it as he was drinking. I didn't realize by his own words that he was just a hammersmith, that he was just cranking

him, that he was addicted, that he was an alcoholic, a severe alcoholic. I didn't know he was doing the pills to go up and down and oh my gosh. And that's what really fascinates me to a degree that that was not obvious to me because he just seemed like funny, quick-witted, charming, like, you know, all-around great guy. Not that he wasn't a great guy, but there was no indication that, to me at least, that he was having any issues or problems. It's amazing how it masks itself or how well people can mask it.

And upon hearing his book and just hearing how deep he was into it and how much it was controlling his life and how much he was dependent on it, I'm like, wow. It's just weird to know that I was, in a weird, guilty way that I was sitting there with him

engaging in his poison. You know, like I wasn't forcing him to drink, but just knowing that when I took a drink, it was just a drink and I rarely drank. So it's just like, oh, hey, drink, fun, laugh. Off I go, I probably drank again eight months later. That's how rarely I drank, maybe even more. But to know that from his secretive side,

it was like, hey, you drink, boom, this is my 17th one today. And I'm going to have another. 10 tonight and I'm having 25 tomorrow and it's just like wow it's a weird sort of guilty thing not that any of it's my fault but it's like if I knew then what I knew now I don't know what have I even gone out for a drink with them it's just such a weird it must be such a horrible place to be in and and it breaks my heart because you know that him dying at 54 however it happened. It probably just wasn't today his body gave out. It was probably a long, long journey of him abusing his body because you can't just drink like that and take 20,000 pills or

100,000 pills and 300,000 drinks without degrading your system. I mean, it's slowly got to be doing damage over the years, and you know that that stuff catches up to you. It's just the body can't sustain itself with that kind of abuse, that constant abuse. And so, yeah, it's with great sadness that I heard that he had passed away. It seemed like he was sort of on the road to healing and recovery. Although the sad reality is with addicts like that, you never know. if it's real or not. And, you know, he said it himself in his book that I think he was in rehab like 30 or 40 times,

maybe more, maybe a bit less, but the number of times that addicts often participate in rehabilitation and then break it, it almost leads to this pattern where people on the outside looking in never really know if they're recovering or on the, the road to recovery and someone once said to me once a woman I know whose husband was a was an addict she said you know what the problem with addiction is you're always just one party away from it all going away I don't mean dying it just mean all the sobriety that you may have put in whether it's three months or three years or 15 years it's just one party away from all of it dropping through the floor and it's it's a boy oh boy it's a sad and horrible spider web to be

tangled up in so um i don't i don't want to sit here and just be mr downsy with uh with matthew so i'll end the conversation on a on a bright fun moment that we had you know matthew was a canadian boy like me and so i was very proud that he did so well and that he was so talented and and so funny, and when we were up in Montreal, obviously the locals were crazy about him because he was a Canadian boy. And one weekend that we had off, there was a local water park. I mean, this thing was huge. It was half the size of Disneyland.

I've never been in a bigger water park. It had the log rides. It had the slides. It had this. I mean, just to turn that park on probably cost, you know, $300,000. a day just to turn all the water on and all this and that. And one day, Matthew called my room. And he goes, hey, man, what are you doing today? It was a Saturday or Sunday. I said, I'm just hanging out. And he goes, you want to go to the water park? And I go, sure, let's go to the water

park. So I go down, he's got a stretch limo waiting. And we get in, it's him and Amanda Pete and a couple of his friends. And we get in this stretch. Limo and we drive for an hour to the outskirts of Montreal. We go to this water park, huge massive water park, completely closed down, okay? This thing, they shut it down just for Matthew. It was like, you know, talk about star power. Like, I couldn't believe it, but they were overjoyed to have them there. So here is this water park that probably sees, you know, thousands and thousands of visitors

a day. They shut it down so six of us could just run wild at this water park and everything was on. All the water was coming down the slides and all the whirlpools and every, I mean, it must cost them a fortune. But this is how adored Matthew Perry was. And in closing, I just want to say, you know, by being with him, by being fortunate enough to spend time with him, to engage in comedy with him, to do a movie with them, to know them in real life. It was truly a pleasure, and he'll be sorely missed. And R.I.P. to our good friend, Matthew Perry. Hoo, heavy. Heavy. The kid came out of the gate. Heavy on the Harland Highway. Throw another

H on the Harland Highway. H. Heavy. The heavy Harland Highway. But, you know, it's just nice that there's people that are put on this earth that bring joy to us. You know, I threw Hitler's name, another H. There's four H's on the Hitler's Harley. No, we're not doing that. But there's people that bring darkness into the world like the Hitler, the hits. And then there's people like Matthew who bring joy and light into the world. And thank God for people like him who is talented and gifted.

and has the ability to make his laugh. I always say that laughter equals joy. Joy is laughter. And so here's a guy, despite his own darkness that circled around him, he was able to channel his humor and his abilities to bring us joy, even though he was very often in a cloud of darkness. And that's, in a way, that's quite the sacrifice. It's quite the generous thing that he did.

and wow, amazing. But it all goes back to health, mental health, physical health. Matthew was, from what I heard, was a extremely good tennis player. I'd heard from other friends that he'd even talked about at one point in his life trying to get into the pros, which is great. I play a ton of tennis and it's not an easy game. So for him to apparently be at a higher level of that sport, amazing. But that's all about physical health, mental health. They sort of go hand in hand.

I find that if you engage in physical health, it usually supports your mental health. I think the endorphins or the saliva or the glachlanoleids or the symbiolic galankatites or the stingled, dang, I'm just making up words. I'm not a doctor, gang. I'm not a medical doctor, but you didn't know. See, you didn't. Hey, I'm trying to raise my schlyloids. You don't know if that's real or not. What do you know?

You're not a doctor either. Guess what? Just this morning, I got my flimdilometer and took a clogged night count of my blood tronkicles. Is it real, isn't it? You don't know. Did you go to med school, freckle face?

How about you, Zit boy? Did you have a doctorate in medicine? How about you, chubby chicken? You don't know. Hey, look at this. Let me check my flimblods to make sure the carteroid tatorials are all in place. Up yours, PhD not. So don't try to, you know, bend me into your liquid.

Whip and slap me around on the backseat of a movie theater because Daddy don't party on Twinkle Street. See again, folks, I gave you a chance probably about 15 minutes ago to duck out of this podcast. There's no real reason you need to expose yourself to this idiot, idiot, idiochrist entities. Another word, that you have no proof that it, doesn't exist. Sure, pull out a dictionary. Idiot's Sankratris. Sure. Might not be in a dictionary you have now, but if you don't think the Greeks use that word, Idiotis. I mean, anything with Catees in it,

the Greeks tossed it around. So yeah, get on your high Oxford dictionary horse, leaf through it right from A to Z, from Ardvark to Zebra, because Ardvark is the first word in the English dictionary, and Zebra is the last. And I'm just going to stick by that, because I know probably 98% of you aren't going to check it. So there it is, but the ones that do check it, you're going to know what I just said is a load of greasy BS.

But anyways, look, This isn't about language. I'm talking about health. And it's incumbent on all of us. It's very important for all of us for our mental health. And again, for your mental health, if I were you, I would check out of this podcast like immediately. Like just distance yourself.

Like a little Vietnamese boy running down an empty road, looking for some mongoose feathers or whatever Vietnamese children do. I would just run. I would get the hell away. But some of you are stubborn. Some of you are going to stay for the spectacle, for the carnival, for whatever it is that's happening here. And that's okay. But don't come to me with medical bills, psychiatry bills, mental health bills, prescription drug medicine bills.

Don't lay those on my doorstep because you kind of, you know, your head went a little, after listening to my ramblings, you know, my ramblings aren't cohesive, they're not normal, and if you stay and engage and absorb them and something goes, that's on you. You ever pick up a bottle of pills? There's a warning on it. Do not take too many or else. Cigarettes, do not smoke, you will get cancer. There's all kinds of warnings.

but it's up to you whether you heed the warnings. And by the way, heed another word like ilk. I think somewhere on the planet there's a large grazing animal, a large mammal with hoofed feet called the heed. And I think it could be in Scotland. I think there's such an animal. They're such a beast as the Scottish heed. There's a herd of heed over that there.

crop of rocks and boulders. They've been grazing all day, chewing the grass from the tallness down to the stubble. The Scottish heed, the most tenderest meat on the moors. It feels like it's been slapped around by a butter monster. It's so tender. I, the tender veal of a fucking heed cow. just like a giant sat on a squishy fucking car seat

and did tapioca pudding farts all over it. Folks, again, I'm giving you the chance to bail out of this podcast. Now, how many times, wow, you know, this is on you now. It's not on me. I don't know if you've ever been in a boat after it's rained or there's a hole in the boat, but it's called bailing, folks. squish squash there's water in the boat squish squash you bail why do you bail a boat out so you stay afloat so you survive so you don't drown but if you want to drown in what i'm

presenting here i can't stop it if you want to keep going on this journey across the waters of the harland highway so be it live dangerously what are you doing right now sitting on your couch with a bag of cheese puffs how about you glumped teeth? What are you doing right now? Probably sucking down a can of ranch-style pringles, just one-timing it, uh, opening your mouth like a shell station glory hole and just letting that whole stack go down your throat, like a demented pringle pelican. Yeah. How about you, gravy, gravy lips? What are you doing? I don't want to seem like I'm getting angry here, I just, you know, I want us all to be accountable for our actions.

And sometimes if someone gives you a warning, if someone throws up a red flag, sometimes you might want to heed it. Ah, the mighty heed, just grazing over the valley. There's a big herd of hayed grazing in the valley, chewing the crops. Every now and then one of them gets a grasshopper stuck in the throat, and they start puking. they start puking grasshopper limbs and grasshopper eyes and grasshopper antennae. And why do grasshoppers have antennae?

Because they get the best TV and phone reception of all the mighty insects. Again, folks, run. Put on your golf shoes and run like Tiger Woods with a bucket of fucking freeze-dried fucking onion capers. I don't even know what those are. Why are you still here? You're here because I'm going to talk to you about health, mental health, and aren't I just the guy to discuss mental health and physical health?

I am the guy because here's what I try to do to keep healthy. We all should engage in physical activity. I don't know if you lift weights, if you curl dumbbells, If you jog, if you play tennis, I don't know. But as we get older, as we get younger, as we get involved in our busy lives, work, social events, partays, commitments, baptisms, weddings, circumcisions, wherever you have to run and go to, buying groceries, answering emails, do we ever have time for ourselves anymore? No. but you need to stay active. You need to stay physical so that you remain healthy.

See, here's where you're missing out. I'm looking out for ch'all. And ch'all is Cajun for you, ch'all. Here's what you need to do. You need to engage in physical activity. Pick a sport, pick a gym, pick a treadmill, whatever it is. But I'm a guy that doesn't like the treadmill or the gym. I find it confining. I find it claustrophobic. I find it repetitive. I like to be out in the world.

That's why I like tennis. It's outdoors. Golfing is outdoors. Swimming is outdoors. But here's the problem. Many, many sporting activities require a competitor. Require a partner. Require someone to play the game with. Pickle ball, tennis, badminton, whatever it may be. football, baseball, soccer, right? You need someone there, racquetball, squash. You need someone else in order to compete against. It's hard to find someone that's at your level, that you're compatible with in a sports sense.

It's hard to find someone who has the time to go out and do this stuff. Like, yeah, if your buddy Larry plays tennis with you once every six weeks, Are you really in a fitness regimen or you're just sort of, you know, teasing a heart attack? Be honest. So we're all in this dilemma where how do we engage in sporting activities without relying on another person but yet find something that's challenging and fulfilling and competitive enough to service us physically and mentally? because sports is a mental game as well. And so I'd been having trouble finding a tennis partner, a golf partner,

any type of partner to participate in sports. And I thought, what can I do? What sport can I get involved with that stimulates me, challenges me, and is fun and exciting? And I looked around in the field of sports, and I finally found one. I found one I could do on my own. I didn't need a lot of equipment.

I didn't need the presence of anyone else. And it's been a tough one. It's one I didn't think I could take on and conquer. And I'll be honest, I'm still learning. I'm still sort of training myself. But the good news is it is a sport you can do on your own. It's a sport that requires one piece of equipment and you can almost do it anywhere. Here it is, I took up pole vaulting.

And if the light's going off in your head and you're going not a sport, well, go watch the Olympics, okay? Go rent a VHS machine and find some Olympic VHS tapes and stuff them in and watch them. Pole vaulting is a sport. And so I went out and I got myself a, a pole. How long? Okay, I got the one that's sort of the official professional size, a 17-footer, 17-foot pole vault. And by the way, about the same height as the average giraffe. So needless to say, I've been having trouble. Yeah, a little bit of trouble on the bus, on the subway, going to and from my practice sessions,

my training. Not easy. Not easy to get on a public bus. Luckily, these poles have a bend in them. They're very flexible. And if I can get about nine or ten volunteers on said bus to kind of let me feed it in the door and then seven or eight to kind of bend it to the side, we can kind of warp it in the front door.

You know, the bus doors open. and then I, like, shove it in, and then the bus driver takes the front of the pole, bends it, and then seven or eight people, hey, a little help inside, pole Walter, in training, help, and seven or eight people got to grab the tip. They bend it, okay, so now it's bending, and then I'm pushing from behind, and eventually, luckily most city buses are, I think they're about 25 feet long. And so we just get that thing in there. And yeah, I've hit a few people in the head.

My poles hit some people. And sometimes it's when you get in it, you know, it snaps. You know, it doesn't break, but you're sending in a 17-foot pole with a bend. And when it gets all the way through the door, it comes around and you're, you know, being on down-down-l-l-l-n-l-l. Sometimes it'll repeatedly slap the driver in the head. It'll be like, you know, and then this driver. Driving's not that great for the rest of the day, but that's it. Look, I've got to train.

So here I am, and then I'll, and getting in the subway, not easy. But, you know, I got to do what I got to do to stay healthy. So then I'll get out the bus and then I'll go to a certain area of the city and I'll just start vaulting. And it's a little precarious, you know, I'll just be like running down the street. I've got this 17 foot pole. And look, we all know when someone's coming out of a doorway when they're like two, three feet away. We hear the door open. We see them.

It's like, oh, oh, excuse me, you know, you're walking down the sidewalk and someone comes out of their apartment. Oh, you know, right? You avoid the collision because you hear, you have audible tones that help you recognize that someone's coming out. but when you are literally holding a 17-foot pole vault by its back like three feet, and you've seen us, you've seen us vaulters, us PVers. We hold most of, we hold the least amount of the pole at the back and the rest. So I've got about 15, 16 feet out in front of me. And you have a person come out of their apartment door or getting out of a car,

and you're almost going to spear them. I mean, I remember when out one day, I don't know if you've ever seen a shish kebab. It's like a Mediterranean meat dish. They get a skewer and they put mushrooms and then cubes of pork and beef and maybe a shrimp and a pepper and another mushroom and a, you know, it's like a,

and I'll remember one day I came home from being out in the street pole vaulting and I had two babies and three boarding school kids. Just and an old lady. on the tip. It was like, if I could dedicate them to a food group, it would be mushroom, mushroom, pepper, shrimp, mushroom, eggplant, the old lady, eggplant. And they were just skewered.

And it's, you know, is it fair to me that when I get home, I have to, you know, pry these people, and I'm going to say annoying people off of my pole and just put them out by the sidewalk? Yes. But look, gang. Did Did Hussein Bolt Become the fastest man in the world

And win multiple gold medals By sitting around on his couch And not training? Did Mark Spitz Win all his gold medals in the 70s Swimming by just laying around? Did Tom Brady win 23 Super Bowls By, you know,

sitting on a carrot and twirling around in his garden? No. It's called training. So things happen. Sacrifices have to be made. And so here's, you know, this is just one of them. Every now and then you skewer people. I'm not going to let anything or anybody get in the way of my training and my professional athletic goals. So it's not an easy sport. So props to me, kudos to me, for putting in the time and effort. And, you know, the running is just the beginning of it. I mean, then you have to find a wedge or a jam point, I call it, to stick your pole so that as you're running,

when it hits the pole, you start to go up in the air with your pole vault. And I've had my pole vault stick in some weird places, a sewer grate. Um, one time I was pole vaulting in a park, didn't see someone sun tanning on their belly, fat guy. Uh, boom. Wow. Uh, never heard a scream quite like that before. Let's just say the first foot and a half of my pole vault when I got home was not very shiny anymore.

But, uh, my God, the, the elevation you get. I mean, you're talking. You're propelling yourself 17 feet into the sky. I mean, when you're a learner like me, when you're a beginner, when you're an amateur, holy God, I've gone through people's windows. I landed at a Thanksgiving dinner one year. I was out practicing, doing some practicing out on the street.

Lost control went right through a seven-story apartment, landed in an empty seat at a Thanksgiving dinner. Were they going to disrupt their family? get together just for a pole vaulter, a strange pole vaulter? I don't think so. Some of the family flew in from places afar. And if a guy plops down in blue shorts and a wife beater t-shirt and there's enough food to go around, yeah, okay, I had Thanksgiving with a family I didn't even know. But, you know, these are the, these are the sacrifice. you're going to make when you're dedicated to your sport.

Now, look in my eyes, gang, I'm a pole vaulter. Did I land in a bedroom one night in the middle of sexual intercourse? Yes, I landed on a couple. I went right through the window while they were in the middle of coitus. And I don't even know what coitus means, but I think it could be a small Mediterranean fish. The coitus fish. Again, we're finding words that were never meant to be real words,

but were in fact supposed to be members of the animal kingdom. We have the ilk, we have the coitus, and I forget that other fat fucking Scottish cow I talked about, but you know what I mean. The ham or something, it started with an H, I think. So anyhow, I landed in, in bed with a couple that were mid-sexual intercourse, missionary position, and I sort of landed right beside them.

And they looked over, and they saw me there, and I looked back at them, and there was a very awkward silence. It was one of these hot summer nights where they left their window open, so is it really my fault? You know, maybe I could have been like a bird that flew in. into a window. Had they not left the window open, I would have flown up with my pole vault smashed against the glass and just slid down. I get it. Hot, humid summer night, crickets chirping. Leave the window open when we make sweet summer love. And unbeknownst to you, here comes a wannabe

amateur pole vaulter right through your window. Land in the bad. About a 30, 40 second awkward, silent just kind of like, you know, one of those eyes. She was on the bottom, missionary position, which, by the way, missionary position has always befuddled me because missionary, doesn't that imply priests like going to weird places to do missionary work? And aren't priests supposed to abstain or whatever the word is from sexual activity? so therefore want a missionary position just be two people laying on top of each other

without penetration or any physical gyrating or humping movements? Shouldn't missionary position just literally be laying on top of each other reading passages of the Bible to one another? Perhaps doing it provocatively just to create sexual tension? So anyways, I pole vault through the window, land in their bed, laying beside them. They look over, 45-second awkward beat. The man and the woman look at me, sweat dripping down their faces. They paused their sexual activity.

And they stared at me, and I didn't know what was going to happen next. And both of them at the same time, they must have just been. and so connected, they simultaneously just said, you up for a threesome? And here I am laying there my blue shorts, my wife beater, my pole, you know, in the window. And they invite me to a threesome, and I just, another awkward pause about 15 seconds,

and I just looked at them. And a beautiful couple, by the way, very physically attractive, tone, sexy. And I looked at him, and this is the dedication I have to the sport. They said, do you want a threesome? And I just stared at them very earnestly. And I said, I'm in training. And I got up.

Okay, I slapped the guy on the ass. It was right there. It was practically glowing in the moonlight, gang. What did he walk? What would you do? You there, cinder block lips. Yeah, you. What would you do?

You're in your blue shorts. You got your wife beater on. Your pole vaults sticking out of the window calling to. You're in training. You get up politely out of the bed. You're walking around and there's this pair of white buttocks bathed in moonlight. Not only moonlight, but a summer harvest moon. So there's a little tinge of orange.

It's like, they're almost like opal, opal butt cheeks. And yeah, I slapped one. But when someone invites you to a threesome, they've sort of opened the door to sexual activity. And so for me to just do an out-the-door amateur pole vault or slap, I think that was appropriate. And I got no protest from the fuckers, from the couple. So I get on my stick. I slide back down and I call it a day and I go, these are the potholes of the job. These are the dangers of the job.

These are the unpredictable things of trying to be a pole vaulter. And so what do you do? You get back on your horse? No, you get back on your pole. And so the next day I'm out again and I'm pole vaulting down the street. I'm just, you know, I'm taking these like 45 foot leaps. It's like when the incredible Hulk jumps through a city. I was just like, whew, well, guess what?

I'm not that familiar with the flight patterns of geese. They fly in a V for some reason. I don't know if they're out hunting for vagina. I don't know if they're horny. I don't know if they're going to Vermont or Virginia. Why they fly in a letter? I don't know. Maybe they're going to Sesame Street.

I don't know why wild animals would form a letter in the sky. Do you ever see a W or an S or an H go by? No, for some reason they like the V. They must be trying to tell us something. I think based on the power of the human vagina, the power that the vagina has over men and society in general, I've got to believe an auto bond can challenge me, on this. I've got to believe that the reason birds fly in a V is they're on a pussy hunt.

And I'm not trying to be crass gang. By the way, crass, a small marsupial that lives in the forests of the rainforests of northern Australia, the crass. And none of you can challenge that because there's many unknown species in rainforest. So you can say, well, doesn't exist? But then I go, Well, doesn't it? Who are you to, there's thousands of undocumented species in a rainforest. So who are you to refute the crass? You're not anybody. You're a loaf of bread blowing in a yeast storm.

And I mean you there, parsley tits. And look, folks, I know who's watching my podcast. When I point to you and I can. call you out by name? Yeah, I know you're watching. So just let's stop playing the game. Like when I point to you and you go, oh, me, me, yeah, you parsley tits. And how about you over there? Gingerbread Twat? I know, I see you. Maybe some podcasters have these one-way camera deals. I have a two-way camera situation. So, yeah, you can see me, but I see you. Yeah, over there, huh? Bronchial asthma. ass. There you are. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

So anyways, I get up and I'm flying. I get up. I'm at the peak of my 17 feet, but then you add my body, I'm a six-footer. So you add 17 plus six, now you're at 23 feet. And if you don't think you're going to run into a fly, a low-flying flock of pussy hunting Canadian geese at that altitude, then I'd tell you to go sneak into your grandmother's bedroom in the middle of the night, put a lettuce wrap on her face and smash her in the face with a Home Depot shovel. I mean, gang, this isn't science. Come on. So, so anywho, I go flying up in the air.

I'm training. Bam, Canadian goose right in the face. And holy God, if you think it can't. Canada goose is small. These things, these things are big. These things weigh about probably, I'm going to say about 30, 40 pounds. And damn, I got wanked right in the face with a Canadian goose. And what was really horrible is this was the lead goose.

This was the lead goose at the tip of the vagina of the flying V. He was right here. He was probably the clit goose because, you know, the clit's always right at the tip, right? So it was the lead clit goose, Canadian clit goose, bam, right in the head. And what that did, it displaced all the other birds. And they splintered off. There was probably about 80 of them. And now I said birds don't fly in other letters.

But guess what? When these birds splintered off, I guess they weren't happy that I disrupted their migration. They splintered off and formed a sentence. And it said, fuck you. I mean, you always think Canadians are plight, but hello Canadian geese. So boom, splinters off becomes, they go from the letter V to forming a full. So when I disrupted their pattern, boom, when they regrouped, they were a flying fuck off. And it was aimed at me.

I knew, I knew it was aimed at me. They wanted me to fuck off, but I was like, you fuck off. I just took out your clit, your lead, your lead, the clit. the clit goose. And as fate would have it, there was a family, the last season, that I flew through their window and interrupted their Thanksgiving dinner.

And I don't know if you believe in karma, which, by the way, is another hoofed mammal that lives in the Sahara Desert, a close relative subspecies of the Saharan camel, the karma. I remembered their address, and now here I am with a full-fledged bird, okay, a 30-pound slab of meat with feathers on it. Dead, you know, it hit me in the forehead, dead. I mean, a bird can't take that kind of impact.

So here I go. I go back to the home where I had the Thanksgiving dinner, uninvited, ding dong. they answered the door, oh, you again, yes, me again, but I offer you a Thanksgiving clit goose. And their eyes lit up, I mean, there was almost tears. So here I am returned. They fed me bird due to a pole vaulting accident, and now here I was returning the sentiment,

and I in turn gave them a huge edible beast, a bird for their Thanksgiving feast, a Canadian clit goose. And so this is the beauty. I was telling you everything symbiotic, mental health, services, physical health. And I just believe it all turns into good, positive energy. And everything just came full circle.

And boom. So anyways, lots of interesting stuff. I'm not even to go into the helicopter. Well, I'll tell you the helicopter story. And then I think I've been talking about this pole vaulting thing for about two or three minutes. So I was pole vaulting. This is the last one. There's many stories to my training.

But I was pole vaulting and I went into the open. You ever seen these traffic helicopters with the open cockpits? They got the glass bubble and there's no doors. I'm pole vaulting. I go right into a traffic helicopter. and this is this is maybe a good story where it wasn't disruptive now I'm flying over the city of Chicago and I have an aunt that lives there and it happened to be her birthday and I winked at the pilot you know he was like we got a traffic jam over the highway 25 there's going to be a

going to be backed up about four or five miles if I want to take an alternate route we got a sig alert and I sort of whispered I said can I give a shout out to aunt Carol and Carol, she's 75 today. And he gave me one of these, because as it turns out later, we got talking back at the helicopter pad that he did amateur pole vaulting in college. So when he saw what I was doing,

the blue shorts and the, and so he goes, yeah, go ahead. So I get on the thing. I've got, now he lent me the headphones and the little thing, and I'm like, we got a traffic stop all the way back up here to Highway 75, 75 years old is what my Aunt Carol is today. Happy birthday Aunt Carol from Harland.

Loving kisses and boy, oh boy, again, now that's one of the positive pole vaulting stories, but when she phoned me later that day and she had heard it, she, I mean, she just, the sentimental moment we had because of it, but this is what happens when you, pursue your physical dreams. And so anyways, I won't drone on about it. You know, it's not like I'm going to spend 20 minutes talking about pole vaulting, even though I just did. But pick a sport, find a sport, get engaged, get healthy, and live.

Live and train and do what you do. The last little remark I'm going to make is I am going to be pole vaulting in the Olympics, the next Olympics coming up in 2028, and I'll be representing Greenland, the country of Greenland, because they needed pole vaulters and because they don't have any. And notice my cans green. Now, I did not plan this, gang, and this is the beauty of doing. podcasts. I said Greenland and out of the peripheral vision of my eye, what colors this can green? These are the happy surprises that happen when you podcast. You don't think they're going to happen

to you. You don't think you're going to have kind of this weird moment where the stars align and just the things land in your lap, gold, like podcast gold. Oh, let me reen out. I'm pole vaulting in Greenland. Whoops, green. I don't know why God shines on me and makes me so lucky, but he does. Good God, I think I droned on about pole vaulting way longer than 20 minutes.

Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a T-shirt or a hoodie, but not Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got copy mugs. We got T-shirts, you name it, it's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the the groovy images coming.

I'm going to talk about something I saw on TikTok, and it has to do with these kids that, that, You watch TikTok, you're scrolling through, and there's the goofy dog on a skateboard. There's the girl in the bikini. There's the guys doing donuts in the parking lot. There's the latest news story from the world of politics. And then you get some 9-year-old kid or 20-year-old kid who suddenly thinks they're Tom Broca or Wolf Blitzer or Bill O'Reilly or somebody or Tucker Carlson. All of a sudden, some kid in his basement is going, and it looks like, Nuclear fusion is now going to be the, right?

They've got some like startling headline or some groundbreaking headline or it looks like President Netanyat who is planning a secret military movement. Like somehow this kid in his basement in Cleveland has a giant news scoop. And I'm like, kid, fuck off. Okay, you don't know anything. Where are you getting this from? Why are you delivering it? Am I really going to take any serious news from you?

So I don't know if these kids get numbers doing this or whatever it is, but shut up and F off. Here's the latest news from me to you. This just in, kids giving news reports on TikTok, fuck off. Let me say that again. Fuck off. So I think it's time for me to F off.

I felt like we had a good talk today. Please subscribe. Please subscribe to the Harland Highway podcast. Now that I'm back, I'm lining up a whole new bunch of great guests for the podcast. We're going to get right back into gear. I'll keep you posted on any news about Wingman. We're going into the editing process now. You know, with all movies, you never know when or where they're going.

going to come out, but I will keep you a breast. I will keep you a thigh and I will keep you a wing if you want. And hopefully it comes out well. We'll see. You shoot something and you throw everything into a bowl and you throw it around. You hope it comes out good. But based on the time that I had there and the material, I think we might have shot a funny movie. We'll see. I'll keep you posted. eventually we'll probably put up a website and an Instagram page and I'll let you know when that comes around too and we'll keep you posted on the wingman. But thank you for subscribing.

If you haven't subscribed to the show, please do it. We're inching up towards 60,000 subscribers, which is just fantastic. Thank you to all of you. Tell your friends, share the links to the Harland Highway podcast. look folks it's all about making people laugh and i want everyone to laugh okay this isn't just for you corn on the cob lips donnie this is we want as many people laughing as possible that's that's what this this this this platform is all about make them laugh it's free so let's get it out there to

anyone you know and see if they're interested in it and want to have a laugh um i hope you're enjoying it I hope you have some laughs and some, maybe the odd insight. I mean, you probably didn't know about the secret world of pole vaulters until today. Insight free. Go suck a rhubarb sandwich. I don't know why I threw the last part in, but I was in a rhythm. My head was going like this, and I thought, why don't I just throw in, go suck a rhubarb sandwich? Do rhubarb sandwich exist?

No, but again, I warned you 45 minutes ago to get the hell. hell out. But you didn't. You stayed. And what do you get for your trouble? I throw a rhubarb sandwich at you. Go suck it, go eat it, go roll it around in some gravel and sit in a park with a herd of pigeons and peck at it with your stupid, stinky, stinky fish tank bubble and face. Okay. We better get to the theme music. That's it for today, gang. Thank you so much for being here. on the on the holland highway podcast um had a blast love talking to you guys um stay tuned for more great guests more great shows and uh as always be careful when you're out there uh pole vaulting

and until next time chicken chow maim baby