The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #9

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

Harland might have Monkey Pox, he might be doing a drive by shooting, and suing your children to have kids! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Yep. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh, well, now that's right. It's, uh, it's time.

It's time. We're here. We're here on the, uh, The Harland Highway podcast, the only place you really want to be. Welcome, everybody. And before we even get going, do you see the little red button down there? It says subscribe. Just click it.

Just click it and subscribe and tell your friends to subscribe. And get it tattooed on yourself. and I'm going to tell you about my tattoo. I finally got tattooed. I'll tell you about that a little later on. But for now, let's get... Oh, oh, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, God. No. No. Oh, God. Have I got it? Have I got the monkey pox? Just when I was getting through my 15th round of COVID,

I get the... Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Gah! Monkey pox! I got the monkey. Oh, guh guh guh guh guh guh guckh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Oh, monkey pox. Here we go.

We got another one. Can we not get through two and a half years of Satan's wrath with COVID? And now they send us a cutesy virus. Monkey pot. Is there anyone out there that doesn't love a monkey? You're going to make us love our viruses now? You're going to make us want to have compassion and affection for our viruses? Oh, my God.

Monkeypox is now apparently the thing we got to watch out for. Well, how do I know if I got it? Well, if you're walking through the grocery store and you find yourself eating the bananas shoplifting them, just pounding them down your face, you might have the monkey pox. Hey, where's Tommy? Oh, he's hanging upside down out in the tree there. You know, leave him alone.

He's got the monkey pox. Is that who crapped on me on the way in? Probably, it was probably Tommy. Hanging upside down. He's been eating a lot of bananas. Was it squishy and mushy? Yeah? Mm-hmm.

That's Tommy. I mean, come on. Come on. Oh, ooh, ho. monkey pox. I've got the monk. My hands are curling up like monkeys. I got the, I got the monkey. I got the monkey pox.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm going to have to shave my whole body. The hair's going to start coming in. I'm going to start eating ants. I'm going to start running around, waving sticks and yelling. Oh, God, I'm going to walk all hunched over. Imagine me going through the airport.

Oh, monkey pox. I don't know. What can we say? Are we ready for the monkey pox? Now, this is the new wave of disaster. People worried about getting a thing called monkey pot. What's next? Duck Bill platypus pox?

What do you got today, Earl? I got the ostrich pox. Can I peck your face? I mean, what is going on? Why are we getting these things? Where are they coming from? We live in a monkey-free country. Okay, yeah, there's a few at the zoo.

And I think there's, I think there's a place in Florida where there's a wild tribe of monkeys, actually. There's one little pocket in Florida where there's like a little tribe of monkeys that they've let run free in the forest down there. But outside of that, we don't live in monkey country. This is what you call The United States is a monkey free zone

So where the hell are we getting monkey pox from? Okay Duck-built platypuses live in Australia Do we have duck-built platypus pox? I mean, this is just the most bizarre thing And I looked it up, of course they did the research. Yeah, it's, This stuff comes from monkeys or other small mammals, apparently, the monkey pox.

And apparently it's supposed to lead to rashes. And in some cases, these disgusting, like bubbly welts on your skin, you look like a milkshake. Should we call milkshake pox? So I don't know I'm just I'm going to try and contain it throughout the podcast

here today but wow we are in monkey pox world but let's get over that let's move on let's move on to something real in my life

you know I live in Los Angeles. And, you know, there's a certain culture here in Los Angeles. Every city around America, around the world, has their own kind of culture and vibe and things that go down that are unique to that piece of geography, perhaps, right? And a phenomenon that kind of came out of Los Angeles is a thing called the drive-by shooting. and I think it kind of started here and it kind of moved its way around the country just like all violence seems to do

and it's part of the gun culture of Los Angeles and when you live somewhere long enough you sort of assimilate to that culture and you can turn your back on it you can ignore it, or sooner or later, it sort of kind of creeps up on you, and you're like, hey, you know, I live in this city. There's a lot of drive-by shootings. I think I want to participate. Yeah, I want to do a drive-by shooting. And here we go. I found myself wanting to kind of blend in with the culture. But here's the dilemma.

I don't have a gun. And I didn't really want to kill anybody, but I sort of wanted that kind of vibe, that energy of rolling by somebody and blasting them and just taking the hell off, no regard for that human being. I know, doesn't that sound cruel and cold? But that's what happens.

When you live in a city, and that's part of the culture, it starts to influence you. It starts to manifest inside you. But I'll tell you what I do have. I have a leaf blower. Mm-hmm. Now, that's right. Mm-hmm. I got me a leaf blower player.

And, yeah, that sometimes it blows my shirt open. and I think you've been waiting for this. Bing, bong, hello. But I got myself the Black and Decker leaf blower. I went to Home Depot, and I got the big badass, right? I got the Black and Decker 5-7, 6,000 C4, C-3PO, R2D2, 59, 7,000, C-3PO, R2, 59, 7,000. 8-26-9er Whiskey Fox Trot 52 with adjustable morgue frinders. So, yeah, I loaded her up.

I loaded the leaf blower up, got it in the car, and I just went cruising. Daddy badass went cruising. Put the collar up, you know. Put the collar up and got my ride. and I went looking, I went looking for a mark. I'm like, I'm going to do a blow by. I'm not going to do a drive, but nobody's going to die on my watch.

I don't, I'm not using a gun. I'm using a leaf blower. And I'm going to do a blow by. And I don't know how many of you people have blown, but I did. Like, I blew by. And so here I am. I'm in my rig. I'm behind the wheel.

And I got my, I got my Black and Decker X-5,000, like, cradled in my lap, like a, like, Robocop's demented child. Like Robocop and the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz had wild motel six sex one night. And I don't know. 20 days later, they gave birth to a blackened-decker 5-7,000 9x-12 freaking blower, leaf blower. And so I got this thing nestled in my lap, and I'm rolling down the street, and I'm looking, I'm cruising through like a friendly little neighborhood,

and I see some guy out on his lawn, right? Some guy out, he's just raking leaves and stuff. So I, like, lit that pound. I'm puppy up and I roll by and I'm like as I go by right and the leaps are blowing everywhere and all the guy and as I'm driving back to look at my damage the guy jumps out in front of my car and he's like hey man would you mind going around like five or six more times and doing that again because you really that what kind of leaf blow are you got homes and i'm like whoa wait what you just got blowed by bro and he goes yeah and you just saved me like a lot of time raking like if you

could do that five or six more times my yard is done and i'm like bro bro i think you're missing the point here uh i'm an la tough guy and player you just got blowed by I just did a player, player laid a blow by on your hairy, Grecian ass or whatever you are. Like, play, you've been blowed, player. And he goes, yeah, yeah, man, do do some more. This is really helping. I have a sore back. And if you want to blow by like seven more times, my yard will be done in like 10 minutes.

And so being the nice guy that I am. and the tough guy tough guy that I am I drove by like seven I actually eight I drove by ten more times and this guy's yard looked amazing and he was all happy

and he tipped me I got 30 bucks and you know I know what you're saying you're like 30 bucks is 30 bucks but I'm trying to get I'm trying to be part of the L.A. thug culture. Okay. I want to be a badass. I want to roll through a neighborhood and people

respect. Okay, I want people to respect when I roll through it with my Tesla and they see me window be down and they see me be hanging out with me XM 7,000 Black and Decker leaf blower. I want peeps to run in their homes. I want peeps to slam the wind. windows. I want peeps to cover their children's eyes, Player. But I don't, you know, I don't need to be tipped. I don't need to, I don't need someone to say, hey, thanks for helping me manicure my lawn. Where does tough guy and the word manicure ever come into play? So, I tried. I really tried. I really tried. Tried. I really tried to be a tough guy, and can't say that it really worked.

But anyways, by the way, I just noticed this too when I was doing this. I can see on the label there, look at this, 100% recycled bottle. 100% recycled bottle. And I watched a documentary not too long ago about plastics. and the abhorrent amount of plastics as consumers we consume. It's monstrous. I mean, we, and the reason I can say this is because, you know, when I saw this documentary about plastics in our environment,

and let me give you a little bit of the details, you know, this documentary showed, you know, seabirds, that they'd open their stomachs, dead seabirds, and they had bottle caps and plastic lighters and you, who knows what. I mean, these poor birds had their stomachs filled with plastic garbage and items and things like that. And they were just dying on it, you know. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No?

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland. so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And then they were showing in the ocean all these like microplastics, like little tiny pieces of plastic that look like granules of sand. And the ocean is just overwrought with these small, almost,

I don't want to say particles, that's too small, but that's sort of what they look like in the vast scheme of things. When they show you these underwater shots, you can just see all these hundreds of thousands of millions of floating little tiny particles of plastic that are almost becoming, you know, part of the composition of the water. In other words, the fish are breathing or taking this water in through their gills. and in doing so, the plastic is just part of it. It's almost like as if I said,

if you can inject a handful of sand grains into your blood, and your blood just started moving the sand grains around in your blood system. That's what's happening to the ocean. All this broken down plastic, it's just, it's minuscule. But it's permeated the water and it's omnipresent, and they were just showing how it's becoming more and more and more, and it's taking over the waters of our vast, vast oceans. And it made me start to go, well, what am I doing?

What am I doing to help with the plastic problem? And I thought to myself, well, I have a little, you know, I have a little separate container where I put my plastic bottles. You know, I'll get my Coke bottles, or my water bottles or whatever kind of, you know, plastic bottle I got going. But then I started thinking, well, why am I limiting my scope to plastic bottles? And so I thought, you know what, I'll put a separate container beside my garbage can in the kitchen. And just anything that's randomly plastic, I'll throw it in there because, you know,

just like a plastic bottle, it's plastic as well. why am I only selecting my plastic drinking bottles? So then I started putting anything plastic into these bags. And I got to tell you, man, they fill up almost in two days. Every two days, it's like whether it's a container that some fresh veggies were in from the grocery store, or it's a yogurt dish, or there was something that had some berries in it, or it's a tray that a microwave dinner was sitting in or it was a rapper on something.

And I was actually astonished. I was really astonished and I was grateful that I had watched this documentary because it kind of informed me and it made me more aware of the plastic problem. But I didn't realize, you know, just how much plastic is in so much. much of our stuff.

I mean, especially in your groceries, take a look. Like, I bet 80, 90% of your groceries have some kind of plastic element to them. And so I started separating all the plastics from plastic wrapping to jars, to bottles, to lids, to containers, to soup. I mean, even when you order food out. All your food items, your soup and your sauces and your entree and your and your appetizer. They're all in separate, like I ordered a meal from the cheesecake factory, right? And so I had the entree was in a big plastic thing with a big plastic lid and a big plastic base.

And then the soup was in a plastic container and the entree, the appellate, the appellate, the apple appetizer was in a plastic, the cheesecake was in a plastic, you're just like, whoa. And then you get the plastic knives and forks, and they're wrapped in plastic, and then you got your drink container that's off in plastic with the plastic lid and the plastic straw and the, it is plastic world out there, man. And so what I'm urging you to do, I'm not telling you what to do, but if it's something you haven't tried. Maybe you're way ahead of me on this. Maybe I'm just slow on the draw with the whole plastic thing. But if you've kind of just been plastic bottle person, I want you to switch gears

if you want to. I can't tell you what to do, but I think it would be helpful. Switch gears and now start putting all your plastics into a container that can then go into the recent. recycle garbage can, you know, if you have the blue or the red or whatever your community has. Sometimes you hear, oh, yeah, you put your stuff in the recycle bin and it doesn't even go anywhere anyhow. It just goes all to the same place. Yeah, the whole recycle thing's just dead now. And then they just dump it in with the other and there's not, you know, sometimes you hear this and you get discouraged. but I have no way of knowing.

I've never been to a recycle plan. So I hope I would think that they're not going through this whole exercise of giving us separate blue boxes for recyclables just as a charade. So anyways, save up all your plastics and put them into that blue box or whatever recycling containers you're offered. And, God, because it is really disturbing how much stuff is out there. I mean, I've been all over the world. I've been on waterways.

I've been on riverways in Cambodia. I've been on secluded beaches in Bali and in Costa Rica. And I've got to tell you, man, it is disheartening the amount of, of plastic garbage that is littering these waterways and these shorelines. And I'll get into that more on another show, but it is just, it's devastating. So anyways, good for Coke for using recycled plastic, because that's another thing. Don't we often wonder, are they really recycling this stuff? isn't it just an industry isn't

aren't a bunch of guys somewhere just sanitary and then they're taking it and then they do this there's always these theories that's what's the matter with today's world everything's a theory if something's good someone says something bad someone tries to debunk it

and if something's bad someone tries to say it's good and we just get so mixed up so let's hope that the whole plastic recycling world is a real thing, and then it's working, and it's having an effect. And beyond that, let's hope that someday we can abolish plastic. We can figure out a way to get rid of it, replace it with something else that's biodegradable and organic.

Because, let's face it, for every bottle or five bottles we happen to collect and put back into the system and recycle, I bet there's 70, 100 bottles per every one bottle that we get that doesn't get reclaimed. And so it's a toughy, man. It's a toughy. So do that. Put plastic in your own little container to the side. And I wonder if you'll be as surprised at how quickly it fills up

and how much plastic you're actually. actually using. And you're not doing it maliciously. None of us are using plastic maliciously. We're just, it's such a convenience. And we don't even really think about it. We just buy consumer goods and we get home and we consume them. And then at the end, there's this byproduct. And it's just like when you really take notice of it, whoa. It's a beauty. So. Be aware. Let's get to my tattoo. I said I'd never get one. And I finally did. I got a tramp stamp. And if you don't know what a tramp stamp is, it's a tattoo that goes just on your lower back, right where your kind of backbone starts to end and your butt crack begins. It's right there. and I got a tramp stamp of Willie Nelson eating a giant slice of key lime pie.

Just, you know, he's up like this with his ponytail and his five teeth and he said, you know. And I don't know why I did it. I just, I thought it was attractive and I thought, you know, someday if I'm bending over, fixing a sink or changing the oil in my electric car, someone might see it. You know, it's one of those subtle, seductive things where you kind of hope someone sees it. And they're like, oh, look at that guy. Oh, sexy.

Look at that. Is that a Willie Nelson eating a. A piece of key lime pie with his bare hand. All right, I didn't get a tattoo. God. What? Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ho. E.

Um, let's take a little break. I want to show you, uh, this, uh, this, uh, week's hand-drawn t-shirts. And then, uh, when we come back on the other side, Side, I've got a crazy news story that you've got to hear. So let's have a look at this week's Harlan Williams' hand-drawn t-shirts. Oh, yeah, here we go. Time for another hand-drawn shirt by yours truly. And if you don't know, I draw my own t-shirts. I take Sharpie markers and I draw directly on the t-shirt.

And if this shirt still available, you can own it at harbling.com. So let's go ahead and reveal this week's hand-drawn Harlan t-shirt. All right, here are this week's hand-drawn Harlan Williams T-shirts. First one here is Global Warming. And it's kind of my take on the whole global warming thing, Kind of a humorous look at the thing that's going to eradicate all of us. But there's planet Earth sitting in a tanning bed. And the result is global warming.

And then over here on today's other shirt, we have a flaming skull. I'm a big fan of Ghost Rider. So this is like, I don't know, maybe it's Ghost Rider's demented little cousin, Ghost Rider Jr. or something, but I just like the whole flaming skull thing, kind of cool. So we got Ghost Rider Jr. and Global Warming for today's Harlan Williams' hand-drawn t-shirts. All right, all right, all right, all right. Yeah. Matthew McConaughey, man. That guy, what a catchphrase, right. Guys, like, milked out his whole career. All right, all right, all right, all right.

Don't even know why I brought it up. Just did. But let's get to a crazy news story. This thing's wild. Let's play the intro and jump right into it. Long-bendy Twizzlers candy keeps the fun going. Keep the fun going. All right, let's get the papers on.

Let's get the papers, people's. And let's read this crazy news story. This made me laugh. Here's the headline, Indian couple longing for grandchild sue's son and his wife. Okay, let me read it again. An Indian couple longing for a grandchild sue their own son and his wife. This is in New Delhi, India.

A retired Indian couple is suing their son and daughter in law demanding, demanding they produce a grandchild within a year, or pay them 50 million rupees equivalent to $675,000. Hello. Wow. Have you ever heard of a lawsuit like this before? Sanjeev Ranjam Prasad. And that's my next tramp stamp stamp right there.

You know that. I ain't going to the beach this summer without a Sanjivran Jan Prasad on my lower back. Eating a slice of Boston cream pie. This guy's a 61-year-old retired government officer, and he said it was an emotional and sensitive issue for him and his wife. Sadana Prasad. They cannot wait any longer. His son, a pilot, was married six years ago.

Here's the quote. He says, we want our grandson or granddaughter within a year or compensation. Because I have spent my life earnings on my son's education, Prasad told reporters on Thursday, and I'm just improvising the accent, trying my best. So this guy, I mean... He wants compensation because he paid for his kid to go through school. He's like, look, son, I put you through DeVry,

and now I want a little boy or a little girl. Prasad said he spent $3.5 million for his son's pilot training in the United States. And he says the main issue is that at this age, we need a grandchild, but these people, my son and daughter-in-law, have an attitude that they don't think about us, he said. We got him married in the hope that we would have the pleasure becoming grandparents. It's been six years since their marriage. It feels as if, despite having everything, we have nothing. Wow. I mean, this is a little bit of. This is a little bit bit of a touchy area. I mean, what do you do? You call up your, your own son? Hello, son. Yes,

what are you doing today? What do you mean you're watching the football game? No, get in the bedroom. Get in the bedroom and start power slamming Frasheed. Yet you've got to get, no, my son, no, you do not need to order pizza from dominoes. You need to spread your seed. Yet you need to get in there and make me a baby. Make granddaddy a baby. You son of a bitch. I mean, you can't tell your children to have kids, can you? So here in India, the court accepted their petition

and scheduled it for a hearing in Haddivar City in northern Utakakaran state. the son and daughter-in-law could not be reached for comment Prasad said he and his wife love children we are not getting love and affection from where we want it the most he said I feel very unlucky well dude come on come on pops come on what's his name

what what they come on Sanjeeve I mean, bro, you can't bring children into this world and then automatically think that it's their duty to in turn bring more children into the world. Your child is a gift. You bring that human life into the world and you let it live out its life the way it wants to. You can't pressure your child into.

to creating another child just for you? They're not a machine. So listen, son, have you and Fraschili been having the yummy, yummy whack-a-wack in the old bedroom there? Dad, that's none of your business. I can't believe you're even asking me that. We're here at Applebee's. Well, when you finish eating your shrimp poppers,

Why don't you have a man-to-man talk with your father and I talk about wacky-wacky, huh? You and your wife, you get in the bedroom, I take you to Applebee's. The very least you can do is go home and close the bedroom door and have some waky, wunky, wunky wunkey wawa. You make it a love, you spread your seed. Rajid seed, I need more seed all around.

Come, you make it. me you make baby little bundle of baby so I can be granddaddy I mean you can't do it then to sue the guy you sue your own kid I put you through the dry you become airline pilot and I tell you what you fly your seed right up for shilly's wahawa ha come you make a baby you get that you get that you get sperm airplane and you crash land in the Grand Canyon and you make a you make a baby you bad boy come here smack you so pretty wild I don't know you feel about that but you cannot force your children to have uh make babies it's ridiculous

But let's move on. I want to show you something that, speaking of plastics, I want to show you something that I've been up to, a little little secret project I've been up to, that I want to share with you, folks. I have these little plastic dolls. I know, I know. Don't turn it off yet.

I have these little plastic dolls that I found in a craft shop. somewhere. And for some reason, they just made me laugh. They were these dolls. There was a whole bin of them, and there were these dolls. And all they had on were white boxer shorts and little brown loafers on their feet. Outside of that, they were naked. And they look identical to each other. I took a Sharpie and put a mustache on one of them, just so you could tell who the characters are. And I started shooting video of these crazy dolls. And I created a little show called Two Guys in Their Underpants. And I'm having so much fun, you know, just kind of winging these stories and doing the voices

and shooting these little crazy little episodes with these two stupid dolls. And I thought, you know what? I think it's time to roll it out and give you a gander and see if it, gives you a laugh, it's the most ridiculous little thing, I don't know, I might have ever done. These stupid dolls say whatever they want, they like to fart. I mean, they're just, they're just ridiculous. So without further ado, let's go right now and watch a hilarious episode of my new little show called Two Guys, in their underpants.

Roll it. There, two guys in their underpants, just two guys in their underpants. They like jeans and they like games and like to dance, jumping around in their underpants, traveling the world from a toy and their pants, just two guys in their underpants.

Friend, a hot smoking Saturday night and you're sitting on a couch staring into your cell phone? What in the name of fire-roasted Swiss fudge are you doing? I am on a dating app, my friend. I finally decided to look for a lady friend on the inter-google so that I can fun frolics with a female friend, horse riding, cracking chestnuts, spreading peanut butter on our faces and lick. Hold on, hold on, you're on a, on a, what, a dating app? Yes, it's wonderful. It's just funge packed full of beautiful beauties, wonderful girls.

And I was able to join for free, the barf-faced babes dating app. Oh, henceforth, come to me, my lovelies. Are you out of your mutt? What? Barf faced, what? First of all, these, these dating apps, I don't even think they work. I mean, who's gonna wanna go out with... Oops. Hold on. I just got a match, friend.

Wait, what? Oh my goodness. Look at this bar-faced beauty. Wait, you got one? What did she look like? Imagine a mentoid running across a bowling alley. She falls on 12 bowling balls, smash her in the face. Wait, what?

And then her face puffs up, like a pumpkin that's been kicked by a cow. What the hell are you talking about? This is a girl you want to date? Well, I don't see why. I wouldn't, I mean, oh wait, oh my God, I've just got another, another match. Molly Ringwald's Meatmash. Wait, you already got another one? What's this one look like?

Have you ever heard of Arby's horsy sauce? Of course. Well, imagine they have to milk this girl's gums to get it. What the hell? They literally have to milk her teeth to get Arby's horsy sauce. What are you talking about? Are you telling me these, are these girls, any good looking...

Whoops! Hold on a second. Another match, friend. Mushroom-filled meatballs and mongoose knot. Are you telling me you already got another babe? Oh, have you ever heard of tailgating, friend? Yeah. Well, it looks like somebody smashed this babe's face in a tailgate about 700 times.

Her teeth could chew through a cement mixer. What the hell are you talking? Who are these? Barf doll babes. I mean, you gotta be... What, these sound like a nightmare. They're called bar-faced babes and... Whoops, oh my goodness, Gorgonzola.

I just got another match, friend. How the hell are you pulling this off? What's this one look like? Do you remember what John F. Kennedy's head looked like after seven bullets went through it? Yes, of course. Well, say hello to my bar-faced babe. Oh, you gotta be...

Listen, this is not the way to meet. Ladies, there's got to be a, there's better ways to meet ladies. Oh, look at her. Oh, I bet her breath smells like a wild hippopotamus doing vinegar farts. Gravy, dripping from her nose. Sweet, roadkill. I'm this close to hammering a vampire steak. Right up my...

I can picture her on her hands and knees, eating raw beef from an all-you-can-eat buffet. Brussels sprouts in her hair Slap me in the swamp thing Corn nibblitz in her teeth Stephen King's apple cider Garlic butter dribbling from her underpants

Suck my psoriasis Spinnage scrambled eggs And baby carrots Shooting out of her hairy belly button Jesus I think my legs are about to snap Oh bar-faced babe Now look this is not the way to go up getting a date do you even know what you do if you got a date well not really okay

let's rehearse what do you mean we're gonna practice what to do when you're on a date so you don't screw it up like a training session exactly now you sit over here and I'll sit over there let me help you thank you most precious friend now first thing you want to do when you meet her is offer up some pleasantries pleasantries friend you know give her a compliment say something nice about how She looks. I understand. Go ahead.

Try it on me. Okay. Hello, Barface. Dug up any corpses from the graveyard with your yellow teeth lately? Oh, what are you doing? You told me to do a pleasantry. That sounded more like a toilet tree. Friend?

All right, let's skip to the next part. Act like you're interested. How? Ask her a question about herself. Okay. Does your ass stink? What, no, no. Why would you ask that?

You said to ask a question. But it's not about... Friend? All right, let's try this the other way. I'll be the instigator. Okay. I'll ask you some questions. See if we can get this thing going in the right direction.

Most exalante. All right, so, uh, well, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Uh, so you, uh, read any good books lately? Yes, as a matter of fact. I'm reading one now. Oh, wonderful. And what's it called? It's called Spraylid. me a five note. Spread me a five note. Oh, interesting. Can you tell me a bit about it?

I'll go one better. Why don't I just spread you a five note? What the hell are you doing? Oh my God! What do you do? Close your legs, for Christ's sake. What are you? I'm spreading a five note. I don't even think that's a real book. It most certainly is. Oh, really? Why don't you read a passage from it then? As he emerged from the alleyway on a dark, misty moonlit night. He spread his rusty legs and gave her a five-note. What the hell of God? What are you doing? Oh, Johnny, she cried, with an impassioned tone in her voice. What does a woman smitten and so in love have to do to keep you? Johnny slowly turned around as rain began to drop from the skies. He bent over and he said, simple, baby, spread me a five-note.

What the hell are you? Did you just make that up? Jesus. Well, you asked if I was reading a book. That's not a real book. Spread me a five-note. Okay, if you insist. No. Oh, God. Stop. Close your legs. I'm spreading a five-note. Close your dim, swollen legs. Well, this date isn't going well.

Shut up, we're moving on. Nasty little bastard. Shut up! There it is, two guys in their underpants. And believe it or not, I've done about 30, 35 episodes of these guys, and I've taken them all over the world with me. I've done an episode with them in Saudi Arabia. I've taken them to Burning Man.

I shot with them at the Burning Man Festival. I took them to the St. Louis. is Arch. I took them to Niagara Falls. I've taken them all over the place. I've taken them to a zoo where they've actually ridden around on the back of a giant albino alligator. And there's only like six of them in the whole world or something. It's ridiculous. But if you want to see all the episodes, if this type of thing stimulates you, if you like to see recycled plastic at work, go to my Patreon page and you can join and watch every episode of two guys in their underpants. Patreon is a digital platform where you can see special unique content

that I put up just for the Patreon viewers. And I think you'll like it. Or you get a first look at things on my Patreon and then I roll this stuff out later on so check it out Patreon just go to Google type in Patreon Harlan Williams Patreon and it'll take your rate to my page and you can join up and enjoy all the content and you might get a laugh out of two guys in their underpants just ridiculous yeah it's a lot of fun I have a blast with it. But before I go, I want to follow up on a story that we did in the last podcast where I was talking about rescue pets.

And I kind of made a bit about it. You know, I know where rescue pets come from. I know the story behind them. And I know it's a beautiful thing to rescue a rescue pet. You know, but what I do is in comedy world, where I reside, I try to turn everything into a, you know, a bit of a humorous premise and kind of, even though I may know what something is, I'll still kind of sometimes act like I don't, just for comedy effect, of course.

So I was at one of the comedy clubs the other night, the comedy store down here in Hollywood, and I thought I would take that premise I did on the podcast, the whole concept of a rescue dog, and, you know, it's a, a big dramatic word, and, you know, what are you going to climb to the top of Mount Everest and grab a dog off the crest to rescue it and blah, blah, blah. So I asked the crowd, I go, anybody here, I have a rescue dog. And, of course, someone in the back goes, oh, I do. And I go, yeah, why did you rescue it?

How'd you rescue? He goes, yeah, it was a dog. It's got no eyes. And the whole room just went, whoa, what? And so there went the big. bit. I couldn't do the bit because I was going to joke about, you know, rescuing the dog from the top of Mount Everest. And now all the whole comedy rooms, like visualizing a dog with two black holes in

its face, no eyes. And I just said, okay, I'm going to move on. I'm going to move on from that. Um, so there you go. Um, so yeah, that's, uh, that's today's podcast, everyone. Hope you had a great time. here at the Harland Highway, right, the Harland Highway podcast. Again, please tell your friends, please subscribe, let everyone know about the Harland Highway podcastio, because we want you to come and have a fun time and check out the Patreon page, subscribe, and yeah, just let's keep this thing rolling we're having fun um don't forget to leave your comments down below and uh for god's sakes for god's sake stay away from monkeys okay please don't go out and get the monkey pox

don't spread it around don't be don't be making love up in the tree tops just keep it cool man um so that's it uh we'll see you next time and until next time chicken chamean baby