The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY - DAVID KOECHNER #77

Episode Date: October 5, 2023

SNL star, OFFICE star, ANCHORMAN star David Koechner joins for stories of inspiration, dating, and awful noises See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

They're going to make a pregnant woman go at a shed? Yeah. And then what happens? She has the baby and then three very creepy shepherds come around. And what's Joseph thinking? Yeah, who are these guys? Who the fuck are these guys, Mary? And they're bringing bling.

Right. Hey, no, no, those are the wise men. Oh. The shepherd showed up that night. Oh. The wise man came 11 days later. That's the 12 days of Christmas. A lot of guys.

But what's Joseph thinking that night? First of all, first of all, it's not Joseph's kid. Yeah, it's gods, right? Isn't it gods? Yeah, and Joseph knows, like, I've never slept with this gal. I'm just going to take it on her word, and then what happens? Three dudes show up and they seem to know her. Doesn't Joseph kind of go, he married? So who are these guys?

Yeah. They seem to know you. Yeah. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right. Side on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Yeah, I was there, but I already made this decision

because, you know, when you could decide I'm going to be in show business, you make this decision. Or my decision at the time was, I'm leaving this town. Did you see what you just did? Sorry to interrupt. That? Well, you took your hat off and then put your hands through your hair. No, that's what?

But there's no. There's no. Oh, dare you. Do you want some? I've got I've got some hair and a hat. That'd be a little bit warm. If you want it, you just let me know.

I'm not going to wear something. Nick Swartson has it on his fucking head. How much you love, Nick? I love him so much. Like, really? Don't you? Well, no, you've got, I saw a twinkle in your eye. Like, you like take him to the movies and dinner?

No movies. Let's go right to it. Right to dinner? Yeah. Vacate the bowels, get ready, yeah. Ouch. So wait a minute. Let's go back.

You got rid of your family. This is part of the podcast. So we're starting now. Okay, we'll start over. Are you ready to start? Yeah. Can I have this up here? What?

The coffee? Yeah. Is there anything in it or is that a prop? Because you actors, I just, I never know. Is that a fake drink? Like, is that acting drinking or is there something in there? Oh, no. see this is what the actors do and now what's this you're doing is this a character

this is the thing that drives my my daughter audrey bonkers anyway yeah it also drives me and i think everyone watching bonkers what is it's like you're licking the the underbelly of a vokes wagon as if i've got something uh in my dentures i'm trying to get it out that bothers audrey to know end. That noise. It's like when Jeepers, creepers became alive after 47 years and had to feed again. It's like you had some sandwich or pasta or something in here. That's what 80 years old. 80 year olds do. That's not a sandwich or pasta. That's like you either ate the corpse of a baby, like a little Chinese kid or an octopus. It wasn't a corpse. Whoa. So it was a liver? I like fresh. You like it fresh?

You like your baby to live. I can't even joke about that because we're in Hollywood. What do you mean? Eating a baby? I mean, who's joking? We just drink the blood. Wow. You're just all full of mouth noises today.

Are we going to talk early about my stain? Well, your ensemble is very Vincent Van Gogh. if I may say so, and that's a compliment. What's that? I said you're very... What's that? Very Vincent Van Gogh? Your other ear.

Put your other ear on the mic. Was it his right ear? Well, put your ear on the mic and you'll be able... You hear me now? What year did he cut off? He cut off his, the left ear. Because he was scorned by a woman, or did he... What was it?

He wanted to... He, he, he, the, the thing he, so the thing you wanted. I think you're stalling for time to you come up with a joke. I really was. I think I know you were, was his brother a bigger nut job than he was. Why are we talking about this? This isn't stuff to talk about on the highway. Well, you, you came in here dressed like Vince Van Gogh.

And then you totally called me out. I was searching for a joke. I couldn't find one, which is very rare. He didn't even have pink in anyone. Here's the thing. There's not a pink brush stroke in his canon. Are you cereal? There's no pink in any of his paintings?

Oh, God. When I come here next time, I want a gavel. A gavel? I'll bring my own. Like a court? Why? I make the judgments. Wow.

God. And that'll be the end of it. You've changed since you become Van Gogh. What have you got there? I don't know. It's this weird like, I've never had it before. It's like some kind of new. It's like a ginger drink.

What God. Easy jeepers, creepers. God. God. God, it's hot. I need to turn the air conditioner on. Hang on. I don't want you to because if you do all these cameras or go out.

Folks, you don't know this. Twice in a row I came up here to do this podcast and the cameras went out. So I'm afeard that if you go, turn on the air, the cameras are just going, oh, fuck it. I know. Let me turn the air on because see you're wiping the sweat on your hair again. I'm drinking hot coffee. Okay.

Let me turn the, can you hold down the Harland Highway, will I step away? Isn't it the Super Highway by now? Well, it's whatever you, you're going to be the host for the next little bit. So welcome. I know how to say welcome. Folks, welcome to the Harland Super Highway. He just calls it the highway. It is a road to anything in your mind.

So whatever that means to you metaphorically, but it's also a real road. I can't wait till Canada names a freeway after Harland Super Highway. Hi, welcome back. Look at that. Perfect timing. See the way we did that and now right into the theme music. Speaking to Canada, last week when we were trading back and forth texts.

Can we let the theme music play out before you talk over it so rudely? I can't hear it. Oh, you don't have these on? You don't need those. Hang on. I'm fading down. I'm fading down.

And now it's gone. You missed it. You missed it, player. If you want to play, you gots to play, player. Did I miss it? Playa. Question. Yes.

Last week or two weeks ago, and I love our text, and you know how much I done it. Yeah. We're trading back and forth, and I was baiting you. I was baiting you, and you knew it. What? Did you not notice how many times I wrote Gray J in the text messages? No. Do you know what a gray jay is?

It's a type of bird. It's a blue jays and there's a gray jay. Yes. Do you know what the gray jay is? It's a bird. It's a national bird of Canada. No. Okay.

Look that up. You don't think I did? Get your machine. Get your computer. I have a computer. Gray J. Gray J. Is the national bird.

Of? You're saying Canada. Yeah. But I don't know that I. Where are you from? It is possible. Canada. Is that how you say Canada?

Oh, how do you say it? Canada. Whoa, you say it with some throat cancer. Here's what I've said. Oh, God. Larry lick me. Here's what I hate about Siri. Hey, Siri.

Fuck off. Were you busy? Were you so busy? I had to wait for you to fucking respond. Give her the tongue noise. one second for what what are you working on you jackass canada uh whoa bro me too me too easy me too it's a girl so what i don't sure hey hey say syri you will never be married no one will ever take you you go no you're not he work out on all you want but nothing's ever going to happen for you

Hey, Siri, one, two, three. Uh-huh. What's the national bird of Canada? Something went wrong. Please try again. Wow. Do you need voice lessons, guy? No, I need fucking reception up here.

Well, maybe you need to take some, like, classes up at DeVry to learn how to speak, like a language class. Because if Siri can't get what you're saying, I don't know who will. T. Mobile can't because you know. Well, welcome to Mumble, land. Hey, um, I don't have reception. It's got SOS. I'm on literally on SOS. Oh, wow. Do you have reception up here? Nosey. Who's your carrier? My wife? Hang on. Whoa. God, dude dropped on. Hang on. Let me see. So what am I asking Siri? What's the national bird of Canada? Siri.

Oh, I guess I should turn the... Hey, Siri. How comes he's not... How many bars you got? You got any signal? I don't go to bars. Wait. It's a great television.

Oh, wait. I'm going to put her on a British voice. None. British. How about, how about gagged? I'm doing a, I'm having her on British voice. Put her on Canadian. Okay.

Hi, I'm Siri. Choose the voice you'd like me to use. Cheapers, creepers voice. You're, Siri's slow, man. Okay, let me just. Are you getting any reception? Yeah. Hey, Siri.

I'm not sure I understand. Oh, God. She's insufferable. Siri, what's Canada's national bird? Wait. Hey, Siri. Hello. And then where you just keep talking?

What's Canada's national bird? What's Canada's national bird, you idiot? That's not very nice. What she's going to say to you. Do you hear that crow? I think it's a crow. Like I asked technology and a real bird answer. Yeah.

Did you hear? So it's a crow. I think it's Canada's bird as a crow because I heard a real crow outside. also known as a Canada J, known as the Gray J, Camp Robber, or Whiskey Jack, is a passerine bird of the family Corvade. It is found in... No, I don't want to sign in.

I didn't get that. Could you try again? It is found in the... There's nothing to repeat. Oh, fuck you, bitch. It's found in the Boreal Forest of North America. It is the... National Bert. I'm still not sure about that.

Of course you're not, because you're worthless. Siri. That's not nice. Dude, you guys are in a fight officially. You should hear my kids, they hate it when I call Siri. Dad, don't do it. Wait, wait. Hey, Siri.

Siri? She got kidnapped. I don't know where Siri is. Up yours, Siri. All right. Worst premise for a movie that I can think of off the top of my head based on this.

Yeah. Siri gets kidnapped and we've got to go find her. Wow, that sounds more like an episode of Dora the Explorer. Does that sound awful that no one would want to watch? I'm writing it. But yeah, so, this is an example of the trouble I have

with technology. Yeah. This is very fitting because the first two times you came up here, the first time the sound and the camera didn't work, the second time you came up here, my camera worked, but yours, yours didn't.

And we added two burnout. So this time I made extra special care that everything's working. But the third time it worked, right? Or no? Well, this is the third time. Is it God? Yeah. Wow.

But the first two, like lemon drops. Can I just say what a great guy I am for showing up again? You are. I purposely, I got a coffee stain on my shirt. Oh, wow. Beautiful pink shirt. You know what I'll do? I'm going to flip your monitor up so you can see yourself. Can you hold the podcast down again for a minute? I'm fine. I'm fine. Just for a minute. Welcome back to the Harland Highway. It is the main highway to your dreams. If you want to get to where you're going, metaphorically, if you've got a goal, if you've got a hankering, what you do is get yourself on the Harland Highway.

Guess what, folks? There are no exits. And the theme music again. Perfect. Dude, your timing. I mean, I almost want to see what you're like in bed. Your timing so good. I don't sleep with a bed.

I sleep on a board of nails. What do you do? I sleep on a board of nails. Are you cereal? Oh, they don't stick up. I just like, Lord. Wow. Remember when we were kids, that was a thing you'd see.

Why? Some guys in India that one of their deals is they lay on a bed and nails. Yeah. And then they'd have someone put a brick or one of those cement blocks on their stomach. And then they'd, you know, smash it for the tourist. Yeah. Or even some of them an elephant would stand on their stomach. Yeah.

Gimmick. Really? Yeah. Uh. Oh, your audience is going to hate that. Yeah, it's really, it's really annoying. I said, my daughter, it's creepy. Just.

At what context do you do it to her? Like, are you one of those dead? She's sleeping? You'll go up beside her ear and go. No, it'll be, it'll be various. Maybe we're driving in the car. And I'll say, so anyway, what classes do you have today, Audrey? And she's like, oh, it just just explode.

Yeah, it almost sounds like, you're doing cunnolingus on a senior. Oh, you can't say that. Well, that's what it sounds like. In context of my daughter. Not with your daughter, but just in general. For our listeners, they're thinking it sounds like you, that like you broke into a senior's home of four in the morning,

found the oldest lady or man in the whole place, spread eagle them and just. Hold on. Do you have a private eye following me? Does that happen last night? Oh, who's there? Who is it? Junior, is that you?

Oh, Junior. Oh, do it cocoon style, junior. Cacoon style would be, I have to be under the cover. That gets sweaty. All right, well now, God. That's a good preamble. You'll cut all that shit. No, no, that's the intro.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's right. Here we are on the Holland Highway Podcast. This is the theme music for real now. Okay. Yours two didn't really count. And what a special guest we have here today. David Kekner, Korky's here, and it's his third time. We had technical difficulties.

The first two, are you on camera? Can we just look? Is that your monitor over there? Is that you? Yeah. is that is that is that is that your monitor that is not on oh the monitor yeah i can see myself but don't can you see yourself yeah but in your business nothing matters it could just be you know cameras probably not on is everything working yeah i was just thinking about the band i met

from Canada i really liked uh what band I just escaped my mind, so I shouldn't even brought it up. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes, the answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, BetterSex is just a clickaway. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy. or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland

so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Do you want to say that name? I didn't say the name of the podcast. Harland Highway. I'm a proud member of the...

The Harland Highway podcast, and you're listening to it. Tune in your ears and forget your fears, because we're here to solve it. And then I just hit the theme music again as a bonus. Oh, say what now? The song, New Orleans is sinking. Oh, oh, Fatty's in the restaurant. No, no, no, no, no. New Orleans.

Oh, the tragically hip. Tragically hip. You like them? I like them. And I got to meet them once. No way. Why? We were somewhere, you know, and I got a meeting.

I told him I was big fan. And they were like, how do you know about us? But it was fun. Great group of guys. Oh, cool, man. Well, thanks for coming back, buddy. I really didn't know if you would after two like crash and burn. No, I'm kidding.

You always come back. Well, Harland, I said it before. I fucking adore your company. You know that. I adore it. I love your company. I love it. Do you want to go for dinner every night for the rest of this week?

For the rest of this week. That's what I said. About life. Whoa. Are you proposing? Can you, if during dinner this happens, would you continue or would you leave? Dude, I'm just picturing you on the fourth floor of a senior center.

We're all headed there. Like, dude, I want to get out of here. Do you remember that one time we had a double date? Oh, yes. Wow. No, here's, it wasn't a double date, but in your mind it was, in my mind, you just said, oh, I'm bringing a friend. My ex-old lady did that.

Your ex-old lady, so me and you and your ex went out for dinner, and we went to see, who was it, Roger Waters, do a show? No, who's the director? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a, yes. The director. Yep, yep. So, so we go on this dinner and we go to this nice restaurant.

Director of Hairspring. Yeah. Yeah. Something Waters. John Waters. He was doing a lecture. So, you know, intellectual business. We went, so we had dinner and then went to see the John Waters lecture at UCLA.

Yeah. Yeah. So we go to the dinner and you set it up like, hey, let's go to the dinner and go see John Waters and we're bringing a friend. Yeah. And I was like, great. So then I get to the dinner, and I'll out halfway through the dinner, I start to realize you guys are sort of trying to set me up.

I'm not. But you never, your ex was. I thought she'd communicated that. No. Did I not communicate that to you? There was no communication that it was like a setup for me to. That's bullshit that that happened. But I, no, it didn't, it wasn't weird.

But it got weird. Did it? Because here's the thing. the girl that you invited and it's not a slant against the girl but she was a tiny girl what's she what's the term diminutive is it is it you can't say midget

it's dwarf was she a dwarf she was short she was five under probably under five foot but sort of bordering on dwarfism didn't have any dwarfism features I don't know if that's the right word but she was very very like Maybe an inch above dwarf. Yeah. My last girlfriend was 4.11.

Really? Three and a half years. 411? We were together three and a half years. Oh, God. You're lucky. A plane didn't fly into her. So anyways, here's the thing.

So we had the dinner and she was a marvelous girl, like nice enough, charming, good conversation. and we're sitting there, and I just thought it was a gathering. Yeah. But then I slowly started to get the hint that this was something more. So now we finished the dinner, and in my head, I'm like, what's going on here? We go to the John Waters thing. Ah, okay. We have to park in this like multi-level cement parking structure.

So we're getting there. I drove separately. Yep. You drove with her. You drove in a truck. Yeah. And I parked. And then I got out first, and then you guys were coming in,

and someone did one of those things where they cut into your parking spot or something. And she got out of the vehicle, and it was just like, you fucking assholes, you mother, this is our fucking spot. You want to fuck with me, you fuck. Like just. She did? She went, and I just went, holy fuck.

Like, she went from like this nice little quiet thing at dinner to-package. Yeah. fucking rage master and I was just like yeah first of all no offense but the short girls aren't my jam okay and they're mine you like a short girl still covered in placenta that's my thing bro oh just do you have a just tramp tramp stamp that says jeepers creepers on the back yes you know that you've been back through a million times jump and johnny cakes So anyways, bro, it just wasn't my thing. And then when that rage came out, I was like, holy, like.

I'm just now remembering that that you bring it up. That freaked me the hell out. See, I thought that my ex had communicated all this information. No. Yeah, you can't leave that to her. Because if she had communicated that, I would have said, well, tell me about it. Right, of course. What she looked like, how tall is she?

The normal stuff. Right. I wouldn't want to be kind of entrapped in a dinner date with someone. Of course not. It's not fair. Here's the flattering part was, my ex really loved you too, you know? And so it was saying, yeah. She had good intentions, but what I started to wonder is what did she tell the girl?

I have no idea. Because if she didn't tell me, I wonder if she told the girl that, oh, this guy's coming to dinner, he's single. And she would have known you, too. Yeah. Through the business. We're in the business. So it was weird. So here's what happened next.

where it got uncomfortable between me and your whole family. Uh-huh. We're watching John Waters. Who went on too long, yeah. I'm sitting there on the end. It's you, your ex, the girl, midget miner, and then me. And I'm going, fuck, this thing's going to end in about 15 minutes. And I don't want to be doing any hugging.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So do you remember what I did? I leaned over with about 10 minutes to go. I was like, hey, buddy, I got it. you got a thing and I fucked off and I just saw your face go and I thought oh man he's pissed I was not mad I know but I thought you were oh no I was I was in my head I was probably processing like oh shit I put Harlan in this situation how when am I going to apologize how am I no there was no need to apologize it was actually kind of nice because I was single at the time

right and for someone to go out of the way and think hey maybe we can introduce harlan to a girl but that comes with someone having a conversation with her like yeah hey I got a girl for you No, thanks. I had no idea. Yeah, yeah. And then she was pleasant enough, but when that anger thing came out, like that, that's a lot. Yeah, that's a deal breaker for sure.

Like, no thanks. Yeah, it was just, it was instant rage and yelling. And it was like I felt like I was at like a, like a scorpions concert in Milwaukee in the parking lot. Plus just way out of like, yeah. This situation did not call for that at all. Yeah. Yeah.

That's right. Yeah. And one of the issues. that you have when you're dating in in Hollywood is a lot of people already have this kind of built in anger because they're not making it this industry causes a lot of angst and anxiety and I've learned in my life because I dated maybe a couple of those girls that had the flash anger and I've learned the minute I see any of that I vacate course so if I'm seeing that the first two hours i've ever met her before yeah yeah yeah then there ain't no way daddy's putting a ring on the gentle

giant you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah i get that 100% and plus when she walked she sounded like like that placenta was sounded like she had a conal angle going yeah so anyways dude i want to cut to something that i know this is right up your alley and by the way thanks for looking out for me i mean the sentiment that you were trying to, you know, get me with someone. What's interesting is I think it might have sort of happened again. But I've never asked you, so I'll ask you now. Like a few months later, I went to a barbecue at your house. And your ex actually had sort of a hot sister.

Oh, uh, who was cute and thin and blonde and pretty attractive. And when I went to the barbecue, she was sort of bouncing around me a bit, And I thought, oh, is this another one of these? And in my head, I was like, you know, she's not bad. That wouldn't have been, but that wouldn't have been, she would have been a regular invitee to the barbecue. And that was not communicated with me about Lee's machinations, about trying to make something happen.

So the sister was never, never lined up for me, but not as far as I know. The angry. Anyway. are you dating now can you talk about it yeah she's she's had her anger management class five days a week yikes y' ouch have you ever dated have you ever been with like an angry girl like someone who just could go off like in a second you know there's been times of my life that had so much anger and hostility that it'd probably be hard for me well i guess my ex but that type of

that boiler rage that just comes out of nowhere like you don't even hear the kettle on the stove going and he just goes pop it pops off the top of the whole thing not that I can think of right now no it sucks man I've had a few girlfriends and this is why I was so in tune with this girl like I've literally had girlfriends where I've been out to dinner beautiful

dinner like fancy dinner and I've had girls where it's like it's like oh look look at this this this can look at I like the the greens on this can and it went from a beautiful night to since when do you like green wow and you're like wait what right no really since when do you like green like something that's simple yeah and the whole night went from a 10 to like a minus 10 and you're dealing with anger and I don't know where that comes from so I've well it comes from your childhood I guess so I don't I don't know how to psychoanalyze it, but I just step the hell away now when I see that. So are you dating someone now?

Are you going on dates? What's going on? Well, I do go on, go on dates, but I don't have like a steady right now. So you're dating. So I mean, how's that working?

It's, my guess is you're not a Tinder guy. No, no. I mean, we can't be on Tinder. Yeah. Well,

I've been, I'm on a couple, I've been on a couple of dating apps. Okay, but there's very specific, like they're not, not just for the regular people. We're not regular.

No, No, no, I mean, I've been on, I've been on Bumble, and I'm on this one called Raya. Okay. But it's, what is that? It's, the Raya is sort of like the, I hate to say it, but it's sort of like. Fuck app? No, it's a, it's a regular dating app, but it's kind of, it's the 10 out of 10 girls on there. It's like, it's mostly like really beautiful models and, you know, that type of stuff.

That have a lot of problems. Here's what I always say. Yeah. Nothing comes for free. So if you're at 10, there's something else going on. Oh, yeah, yeah. You and I are about as close to free as it comes. Like, you know, we're together enough and there's, you know, not enough handsome.

You are, but not enough handsome to have to counterbalance it. Do you remember reading the book Harrison Bergeron? I think it's Vonnegut. And it's like the people that were exceptional and above. and beyond talented than most of the normal people, they would have to hold, they'd be weighted down, and they'd also have things that would crash inside their mind

so they were as equal as everybody else. Wow. Like that, you know, nothing comes for free. Like you can't be exceptional in that world. It's a good short story. We should make that movie. What?

Something has hit you in the eye? It's like a dragon. It's like a dragon flag. So you're dating. Yeah. So you ask a girl out on a date, like, what do you say? Hey, we should get together. Yeah, you just, you know, there's a million ways that can fall into your lap, you know, but it's just like, oh, yeah, let's meet up or let's, how are those going? You have dinner or just coffees?

It's interesting with me because, you know, I'm at a stage in my life for I'm a little older. Yep. So I don't get as many offers as I used to, you know, because who wants a guy at my age? Check me. Check this out. guy at my age with five kids. Wow. Who's coming around? Yeah, I know.

Nobody. Yeah, it's weird. But someone will. Someone will. But you get into a thinner pool, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've also learned from my experience where I've seen girls who have the flash thing or you learn to identify red flags quicker.

Yep. And so one of the issues I have now, and I try not to be judgmental, But what the problem is, if I'm dating and I spot something like, you know, drinking or pills or anger or looking at themselves in their Instagram too much, taking, like, if I don't, if I see things that are problematic, I don't give them time the way I used to. I agree. I just bail because I go, whatever she's displaying to me right now is inherently going to become mine and it's going to expand. Expand. Not only that, it's like, this is not just right now. This is going to be, that's their constant behavior. Yeah. I got hit a couple months ago by someone I had met. Yeah. And we had a flirtation. Yeah. And I was dating some of the time. And then I just left it alone, whatever. Yeah. And then that person hit me up a couple months ago. Okay. After my, my recent girlfriend, after that ended. And I was kind of heartbroken, be quite frank. And then this girl hit me up. And I was like, well, my God, I'm going to marry this woman. You know, she's very beautiful.

Yeah. And we'd had, we'd talk before, never gone out. We had lovely conversations. Yeah. And then I looked at her Instagram and what her interests are. And I'm not interested in one thing that she likes to do. Oh, no. No, it's fine.

But I'm just, to me, I'm like, oh, good. I'm not going to waste time. But wait, when you were talking to her at least. Yes. Because, like, let's say, if you like making model airplanes, but she likes pressing flowers, right. common interest, but were the things you saw on Instagram repulsive to you? No, no, no, no, no.

Just in general, the stuff that she likes to go do and hang out and, you know. Did you give her a chance and talk to her about it, or did you just go, no, I'm done. Yeah, yeah. Because you're at an age where you didn't want to waste the time. You kind of knew, right? Yeah. No, thanks. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, let's connect when I get back in town. Okay. No. No. Yeah. You said that or she did? No, I just, I didn't say that.

In my mind, I said it. I'm like, no, thanks. You just didn't connect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was one of the biggest things that you... I don't know if she watches your podcast, so I don't really want to say. Well, it's not mean. Like some of the music, the concerts she'd gone to.

Okay. Yeah, stuff like that because you're going to go to concerts together. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah, you want to. You want to share that live. Look, if you have a shared interest in music, that's huge.

Yeah, that's true. Right? Yeah. And all of her music, I'm like, God, I'd hate to go to that concert. And what, pretend I liked it? Oh, yeah, yeah. Stuff like that. You can't pretend because then when you get through that door of reality.

Yeah, the next thing you know, like, let's go to San Francisco. They're playing there. Let's go to Sacramento. Oh, geez, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're not doing that. Yeah, it's tough because once you accept another person, and by the way, we bring our crap, too. I don't want, I don't want this to sound one-sided. No, no, yeah, yeah. There's probably stuff girls look at me and go, oh, hell no.

No, thanks, right. This guy does a podcast, you know. He's successful? No, thanks. Yeah, but it's like, it's really tough. So, so, yeah, I don't know where the dating goes, what happens, but, you know, if I found a keeper in my mind, who was a real quality keeper, oh, my God, I'd love to fall in love and be in love.

You're talking about a laundress. A what? A laundress. What's that? A woman that does laundry. Oh, wow. Laundress. Guy makes up a word.

It's a word. Is it a word? Ask Siri, but we can't. Isn't it the Canadian National Bird? This is Canadian National Anthem. What's wrong with you? Oh, laundress. Do you know the, the, the, the bird of California?

Golden Eagle. No, no, no, no. No. Shit. The state bird of California. It's a finch. It's appropriate because it's sort of, if you were to look at the entertainment world,

really? It fits. Is it a parrot? Close. You're all around it. Uh, okay, okay, k, k, k, k, k, k, k, k, k, k, k. Racist. Good catch.

What is it? The mocking bird. No, shit. Shit, that's perfect. And the mockingbird, what it does, it's an impersonator. What they call it the mockingbird is because it impersonates all the other birds that can hear. You are right. That is the perfect bird for California.

It's like the Don Rick or the Rich Little of birds. It should be the only, it should be the bird for Los Angeles. Yeah. And did you know Rich Little was no like Carson got sick of him? Oh, really? I guess toward the end because he didn't really update his act. That's what I'd read. Yeah.

I read the car. Carson book, I found it fascinating. A lot of people thought it was a hit piece, and I didn't think it was a hit piece. Oh, wow. It described who the guy is. That's not the way I took it. Yeah. You know, he was a, he was a complex guy.

Johnny Carson. Yeah. And I clearly, you know, had a tough, it's all childhood. And I think he had a very lonely childhood, so he didn't have good attachments and relationships. And so he just kind of did what he want. You know, he kind of liked to chase some skirt, married like five times, whatever. and it was difficult for him to have real loving, caring relationships.

Wait, why did you point to us? Because we have one. God. But no, you're a guy. You know if this is playing in a senior's home right now, like all the old ladies are getting turned on, right? They're all getting wet. You know, that's your audience, right?

Well, yeah. And you're sitting here going, you know what I love? love about you, though. He's like, I don't care how long it takes for us to talk or text or whatever. Yeah. It's, I never have a thought of like, oh, why, why haven't, why haven't he, he, why haven't I heard from him? I'm just always delighted. You know what I mean? It's just like, oh, fuck yeah, Harlan. Like, you know, you're not a guy I ever have a, uh, a complicated thought, like, what's going on? I thought this, you know, I thought this level of friendship happened or whatever. You know, it's just there, and I don't even have to consider it. Are you asking me out?

Do, like, rage in a parking lot? God. Yeah, I guess I am. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a T-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what?

I draw my own designs at hardbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got copy mugs.

We got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Let's skip to... I don't know what to say. Thank you for the compliment. What do you mean?

No, what do you mean? I mean, like, yeah, you're a friend that I don't even have to think, where are Harlan and I? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because we're always right there. Right there. Or just, yeah.

Yeah, it's just, I just, I love it every fucking time I see you. God. I mean, it's just a delight. And when, you know, you'll text out of the blue. Yeah. I'm like, fuck yeah. Good day. Yeah.

Yeah. Audrey will never listen to this podcast because of the know, You're your daughter? Yeah, you've got a whole, she's senior this year. That's tough, man. She's an old lady? Yeah. Quickest in the business.

Her and Sargent are seniors in high school. And that's kid three and four. And I got to tell you, it's that first time you're like, oh, shoot, they're going. Yeah, they're leaving the nest. They're leaving. Sad? Yeah, yeah. You had five kids?

Yeah, God. What are your stretch marks look like? But the older two live in town, and they've always said they don't want to leave L.A., and that makes me so happy. Wouldn't you want them to get out of L.A.? It's so creepy here. Well, it's expensive. But the thing I love about it is they don't want to move away from their parents.

Oh, really? Yeah. That's huge. Does it hurt that the other ones left? Oh, no, no. The other ones are going to college next year. Oh, okay. But I assume they're going to come back.

Now, Audrey, the other day, she'd always. When we'd go back and visit the Midwest where I'm from, she'd say, I want to live here. And I would never say, no, you don't. I'd be like, huh, maybe I'll get one that really has this Jones for the Midwest. Yeah. And I didn't, you know, like I had to get out. Which is weird because you're from the Midwest.

Yeah, yeah, but I knew that I needed to, I had to live in a city because I'm from a very small town. Yeah. And my yearning was like, I got to get somewhere big, somewhere exciting. What was the pop of your small town? Oh, it's $1,99 for most of my life. Come on. Swear to God. So it's like a main street, general store, post office.

Not one stoplight. Wow. Yeah, no movie theater, not one franchise. None of your... Where did you live the Dominican Republic? Yeah. But at least that's the good side of the island. It's not Haiti.

So, yeah, I just knew. I knew it 10 years. years old, I'm leaving. You're getting out. Yeah. And so I did. And then, you know, that small town life is great for some people. They really dig it. They did the speed. They like the security of it. Just, you know, knowing everybody and just kind of settling and have that life. It just wasn't for me. Did you resent it? Were you sort of angry? Did you feel trapped? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Very much so. Wow. Yeah, yeah. But there's a, do you admit there's a charm to small towns or could you not see it because you were sort of, you had the blinders on and we're looking at the bright lights.

I had the blinders off. No, it just wasn't for me. So I don't want to qualify it for anybody else. Yeah. But nothing about it said, yeah, this place. So you were kicking around and as a kid, you must have had to look around and go, okay, here's my options. Farmer, general store worker, gas station pump guy, like, what were you thinking?

There was never one. My father had a manufacturing plant that I worked. worked at since I was seven years old. Child laborer. That's true. It's true. So, I mean, not only that, but like, I'm not staying here. I, all I knew when I was 10, I knew this, I have to live in a city.

Yeah. Yeah. But with your eyes on entertainment or were you just like, I don't care if I work at a car dealership, I just got to be in the city. Not until I was 13. At 13, I started watching Saturday Night Live and I was like, I'm going to be on that show. And you were. Yep.

Wow. Kind of crazy. Sort of a visionary. Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's even more astute of you because now you're saying this from a position where the odds, it's not like you were saying this from Detroit or Buffalo or Miami where maybe you could go to an acting school and maybe you could find an agent. You're saying this from a town surrounded by corn and Stephen King characters and like less than 2,000 other human beings.

Not even someone interesting and have to be making to a Stephen King novel. Wow. And so the odds go way. down for you to get out and become. Can I tell you something? Well, I'd rather you didn't. All right. But go ahead. I don't think about odds. There are no odds. There's a decision. There's a decision. Yeah. All you make is a decision. I try to tell us to my kids. Okay. Pretend I'm one of your kids. Tell me. Charlie. Okay, I'm Charlie. Go ahead. Tell me about the odds. Here's the most important thing. Yes, Daddy. Find the thing you love. Yes, Daddy. And you make your decision that you're going to succeed in that thing you love. That's it.

because the word decide means to cut off from all other possibilities. So that's all there is to it. You make a simple decision. Go do that thing and that's it. You're pretty deep for a child of the corn. What's that? Was that a great, Jay? That's a children of the corn theme.

You don't realize it? It is? Yes. No. But that's the thing. Here's the thing. I'll tell you, and I don't know why it happened to me. Yeah.

But it did. I had a very clear understanding of what I was going to do and it was going to work. And I never had one doubt. I don't know why. Interesting. It has nothing to do with arrogance. I was 13. I was standing by the tree in my backyard looking at the sunset there in the west.

Wow. And I thought to myself, destiny, I'm going to go and do this thing. I really, really did. I remember that moment. You know, it's interesting, and I'm not even joking. You're preaching to the choir. the exact same feeling. I was up there in Canada where back when I was a kid in the 70s, the odds of getting into the state, I might as well have been in a small town. It was very hard

to make that leap and get your way into this. It still is sort of, you know. And I had the exact same thing that you just shared. It was a feeling. It was a spirit inside where I was a knowing. It was a knowing. And I was never afraid. I was never, I knew it was going to be. be work. I knew it was going to be a journey, but I saw the writing on the wall. I told my buddies in college, I said, I'm going to be on Letterman one day. And they were like, what the hell of you? I said, I don't know how. I don't know why. I'm going to be on Letterman. And 10 years later, I was. Yep. Yep. We shared the exact. It's fascinating. You told people, because you're in college probably in a metropolitan area, right? Right. I'm in Tipton. You don't tell people. Right, right.

You don't tell small town people your dreams. Well, here's the other thing, though, the only thing I said is I said I'm going to be on Letterman. But what I never told anyone because I felt, have you ever had that moment when you feel like if you tell something you're creating, like you're writing a book or you're doing a bid or you have an idea, you feel like if you tell people before you create it, it loses some of its energy? Yes. There's two schools of thought on that. Okay. One is tell people your plan because then they're going to hold you to it. right the other is don't tell people your plans right just go do them well that's where I was at I never told people I was going to be on Letterman but I never told them the bigger picture

where in my head I was like I'm going to be in movies I'm going to be on TV I'm going to do stand-up comedy so I knew what kind of was cooking inside me but I never released that part of it I don't think you can that thing of like I'm going to have a successful entertainment career yeah yeah but it wasn't even about being successful it was about the spirit of it it's like i didn't want to let any of the magic out of the box because i felt it would have kind of just diluted what what was there you know that's a different gear yeah the different gear is it has to have some megalomania in it i do believe explain that word because to me that's a dinosaur what's megalomania well it's beyond ego like it's oh good okay it's a hyper drive good because the worst part of the

about talking about this is you don't want to come off as egocentric if people don't understand it, but it's just a feeling. So good. I'm glad you said that. But you and I are driven to a point, like, we're very happy, you know, but that other gear of going, I must summit. Yeah. I have to be at the top of the mountain. I've got to be a star. That's a different gear. Yeah. And I don't, I'm not necessarily interested in that. If it happened naturally, I'd be fine with it. Yeah. But that takes so much. And look, I have five kids and that's a reality. So that's not going to happen because you have to make too much sacrifice for that to happen. You had to pretty much just, you know, put them in a side thing. And you're just not going to attend to that. But, you know,

but I came from a point where the key was to get into the slip stream. That was the big jump. to know you, you could get into the slipstream of what this spirit was telling you. Spirit is a great word, yes. And then you have a shot at getting to that giant spot. And you have joy in it because you're doing it. Right. You know, the thing what we can do is I always say this is comics, look, you know, we're actors, yes, but we're comic actors, right? There's a thing we're able to do, and God bless us, right?

You and I can walk on stage and prove it right now. Boom, there's a result. Oh, he's funny. yeah okay now how about an actor how do how do you know how do you know yeah like why is that one good or that one good yeah that one's got the looks or this or this or that but you know how many people have such short careers and all that stuff you know but in comedy you know everyone's like i never even think like comedy's hard no it's not well that's what i always say people you always see these actors, like big actors, like Merrill Streep and the real serious actors, they go,

oh, comedy's the hardest thing. And as a comedian, I go, no, it's not. Right. I can do that with my eyes. If someone give me a dramatic role, that's the hardest thing to me. Well, the hard thing is for us to redirect our natural instinct to, to put it, pour it into the script. Yeah, right.

Because you and I have put in so much time. yeah uh working our craft right yeah it's just there yeah it's sometimes to an annoyance where i'm doing it all the time yeah all people that's everyone's just an audience right right in my life that that was way too much yeah but it's it's it's that it's a joyful thing for us yeah now you would have to refocus what you're doing and plow it into the script yet you have to outwork everybody to be a great actor that's all there is to it You have to be elite. If you're doing drama, it's elite.

Either you've done that time as a young person and you put in all those hours on stage and it's there. Because I'll just say this. You pick up a script. And we talked about this last time about having good auditions and bad ones. But now you and I pick up a script and like, oh, I know how I'm going to make that funny. I know exactly how I'm going to do that.

Now, we might read it again and again and again, but it's probably going to come back to our first three choices we had in the first place. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of times it's actually that first choice, which is weird. Yes. You know what Del Close said? Who? Del Close was the improv guru in Chicago, one of the most important comedy acting teachers of the century.

Okay, Del Close. Del Close. He said, you'll always have three thoughts when it comes to a comedy thing, and it happens that quickly on stage, right? Was he gay? No. Well, you were doing, you have three thoughts. but if it comes back to the first one that was the right one anyway okay yeah and like you said typically it is but sometimes that third thought really like oh shit that's even better than

the first one because it built on it yeah yeah right but those three thoughts are usually come right away like you put three bullets in that gun and like yeah yeah it's interesting though because sometimes i will rewrite something or i'll of course react something and then somehow it always comes back to that very first trigger impulse Yes. It's a lot of, I'd say 80% of the time it's the one. Yes. And now in stand-up, the difference is the editing to get to that one.

Yeah. I will talk too much to get to that piece. Yeah, but it's hilarious. I know, but if you get to two words to get there. I know, but watching you get there is half the fun of watching you. Oh, yeah, because you're just up there and you, because you, that, you said it a minute ago. You know you're funny. Uh-huh.

So what's hilarious is to watch you meander around and try. try to find that because you know the payoff's going to be funny. Is that right? Oh, for me, I love it. I'll sit back there and it's like, I'll just see you like going and going, but then when you get to it, I love it. You know me and you're like, oh, shit, he doesn't, he can't find the exit. Yeah, but no, people know.

He's on the right highway. People know. Oh, he's going to find the exit. It's great. But apparently he had to build it. It's worth the weight. It's worth the way. Okay.

That's very, that's very, very nice to hear. That makes a big difference. Beautiful. But going back to, I want to touch on one last thing about that thing where you said you knew. Yeah. When you were, was it 13, you said? Yes. So, and I had a similar vibe when I was around that age, too.

No, where were you? Do you remember what happened, like what it was? No, here's the thing. Yeah. I'd interrupt you. No, no worries. In watching Saturday Night Live, I had that feeling like, I'm going to be on that show. Yeah.

But then that moment I made my decision was by myself. in the backyard looking at a sunset and standing against a tree and looking out and I know where it is, you know, my backyard, and looking out and knowing I'm going to go do it. Yeah, there's something interesting

about the nature aspect of that. You know, you weren't in a building, you weren't influenced by any media or other people. You were connected to the sun and the tree and the earth. Interesting, yeah. And when we go back to the, we're talking about spirit, I always believe that bringing God into it, God and whatever you believe in spiritually

flows through nature. So that was a strong moment for you. My moment was, I think there was two. I used to stand in front of the mirror where my parents would go out and I put the radio on and I'd dance around to songs and I'd look at myself in the mirror and make crazy fists, almost Jim Carrey-asked, you know, before I even knew Jim existed. And I just went, why am I doing this? But I love it. Yeah. And I think it's, I think I'm sort of doing something here.

I felt like at that point I was born to entertain. But then when I was in high school, I started skipping classes and I'd go downtown in Toronto and go to movies in the afternoon. In high school, you'd skip. In high school. And I'd sit alone and watch movies. And I'd just sit there and I'd be like, I don't know where it came from. It's like when you were looking into the sun, I was,

and I go, I'm going to be on that screen one day. Not being cocky. No, no. No, no, no, I didn't even know how to act, but I just went, there's a voice inside and saying, I'm going, I'm going to be up there one day. And this is the question I was leading to. Saying what we both said about this vibe, in retrospect now and even when you were going through it, was there ever a sort of a weird confusion as to why me, where the

hell is this coming from? What is it? And why is it happening to me? No. Really? No, I never looked at it that way. Never confused. No, no.

Nope. I just made that decision, and I knew it was the right one, and I never had a single doubt. But I guess what I'm saying is you made that decision based on feelings that came sort of out of nowhere. Have you ever been confused as to where the genesis of those feelings the seed came from? No, I never needed to look at it. Yeah. And I will say this, it was not a feeling. Yeah. It was, so, you know, corner or not, when people say you, you, you find your calling.

Yeah, yeah. It was like that. Yeah, yeah, destiny. And it was, it was, like I had to say, it was a knowing. It wasn't a voice. Yeah. It was just a complete, almost cellular understanding. Amazing.

Oh, that's what's going to happen. Yeah, and I felt that too, but there are days when I go deep into it and now and analyze it. I go, I go, why, though? Why didn't, why didn't my fiber say you're going to be a plumber or an airline pilot? Because it wasn't there. You weren't interested. It had to be this way. Yeah.

Now, the only thing that's different as you get deeper into it, you had to continue to make goal decisions. Because part of me always believed, well, it's all going to just come to me anyway. Yeah. And probably because of, you know, my last 25 years of my life was devoted to a family relationship. Yeah. So that shuts down a lot of possibilities. Yeah.

And you have to tend to, I have to make choices that allow me to be in close proximity to these things that I've created. Yeah. Yeah. So, but then you still, you do have to make very specific decisions about what's next.

Because we can work, right? Yeah. You and I are fortunate that we can go on the road and clubs will book us. Yeah. Right? Yeah. But then what?

You know? because there's what's a sustainability for me like there's a point where i've still got three kids to put through college whoa and it gets more expensive every year have you thought about just throwing them into devry you know i have well that's a lot cheaper probably a card i tell them they're calling yeah uh you know it's the the funny thing is i just assumed everybody at 10 years old had a kind of thing like oh i know i'm going to do yeah by the time they're 13 it was dead I just assumed everybody was like that. Like their software built in like,

here we go. Apparently that's not the case. It makes me wonder what portion of the population does experience that because I've met a lot of people in my life who seem aimless and kind of just fell into something and just kind of got in the river and drifted. And I don't want to say that we're privileged or lucky. and I don't want to assume that most people lack direction, but it makes me wonder,

and it also makes me realize that to a degree we're sort of blessed and lucky that we did have that calling, because it took a lot of angst and anxiety out of looking for something because you kind of knew the path. Can I just say I feel the same way? There was no angst or anxiety, was there? None, none.

And it goes back to my word is knowing. Yeah. And there's no anxiety. about it. It's not even, that's not even, that's not even on the math. That's not a part of your calculus or the, uh, the algebra. Anxiety. Yeah. It doesn't even play into it. Yeah. Right. It's like, no, this is the road I'm going. That's it. But that's what I mean. I, some days I get mystified. How did we get that? How did, how did that come to us? Well, no, I think the thing is it's a blessing. It is a clear calling. Yeah. Again, this is not ego. No. It was just an

understanding, this is what I have to do. Yeah. And I don't have a choice. Now, the bonus is we love it. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So that's the bonus.

Yeah. But I will say, too, just the joy of doing it is what I love. And I think the residual joy of doing it is that you spread that joy to the people who receive it, which is the second half of that circle, I believe. Right. That's our circle. Now, I don't, I don't, because there's a little, a bit of a, uh, uh, a slip on one line or the other, like, oh, I'm, I'm of service.

Yeah. Because that means I'm, uh, somehow putting my ego in it. Yeah. And, um, what, what I'll understand, you know, is when people come up to us. Yeah, yeah. And tell us how we've gotten them through hard times. Right. Right.

Yeah. And then you realize how blessed I am to do this. Yeah. I don't know what this is coming from. You're getting emotional. But I can't tell if you're acting or not. I'm not. But, you know, because I, part of me feels like it's egotistical for me to go out.

Like, I'm going to go be of service. Now, if it was pure. Yeah. And I said, I'm going to go be of service. Then who knows? You might have the greatest show of you. your life. Yeah, yeah.

Rather than there's part of us when we're on stage goes, I'm going to do these fractions and this one, and I know that's going to get a laugh. Yeah. And it's, it's not about ego. It's about successfully doing our job. Yeah, yeah, right? Yeah, of course. Yeah.

But it just occurred to me, like, what if I really said, I'm going to go be of service? That might take ego completely out of it. But do you understand what I'm saying? Hold on. This might have been one of the best performances I've... But do you understand what my point is? Do you know what I mean? Because it's...

You can go out there with ego and go, I'm going to crush. Yeah. That's me doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if I go out there and my intention is I have this body of work that so far has proved to be marginally successful. Yeah. But if my intention is to go be of service,

right because the audacity that you and I are able to go out and stand in front of 300 people who've come to see us yeah right yeah you can't let that out of your mind like I'm so blessed someone made me their night yeah that is such a fucking compliment yeah yeah yeah so we do owe them right yeah yeah so I'm just thinking of this stuff while we're talking right now yeah no it's great yeah to be of service to the thing and I don't like that word service though because we're we're artists and what we deliver is art and service to me i know what you're saying with service it's too technical okay so another because service to me implies you know we're servicing we're like a guy coming to fix the air condition okay service man i'll give you a

but a different word with the same implication service is rubbing me the wrong way guy i'll knock it off i'll tell you the cut this is me acting like you know i'm alcoholic right you are Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in alcohol, in AA, by the way, I did not know that. Really? Yeah, I never knew that. Yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I knew. Would have gone out drinking with you. It's too late. You have to do acts of service. Okay. So that's coming from that. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So it's not for me. This is not about me. I'm doing an act of service for others.

Okay, but that's working on you. But as far as your and your craft. Take the word service out. Let's find a better word. Change the oil. Better if you've got food in your mouth. Well, let's not get too sick. I don't think the old ladies would like that.

Oh, God, they love me. What's that smell of lasagna? A good pasta would swim in there for a minute. Wow. Just don't chew it. Olive Garden, All right. Put some pasta in there and just let it, let it slowly disintegrate. Refuse to chew it. Cheapers, creepus, a lingus.

A big flat noodle just, oh. God. But do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah. To be of service to other human beings. Yes, yes. Not like it changing the oil. Yeah, I know.

I'm going to go serve this, you know, to be of service to other humans. Yes. Right? Yeah. No, I get it. And, you know, it might be the right word, but it's just for some reason. No, I always hate, I always hate, and you can see them, I hate putting anything too technical onto art. Sure, sure.

Because to me, art is free. And so when I hear service, it's too containing. Right. But that's just me. I understand. Art for you is organic. Yeah. Yes.

You can't have restraint. I'm saying. Service feels too regiment. Okay. Okay. So knock it off, damn it. to be of to give of yourself to others yeah and that's part of what we give maybe that's the word yeah yeah yeah so but i mean you know because a lot of times i do you find this when you're going

on stage sometimes we're doing the same if you're doing a long run if you're doing eight weeks in a row every weekend it can get a bit you know of a grind yeah yeah because you're doing the same hour yours is pretty free free form right yeah do you have do you even have running order uh i like to switch it up all the time so that I've learned to do that so I don't run into that kind of road weary kind of. You've got so much play in your show. It's just fucking so fun. And I'll change it up from show to show. Like I'll do a show one way and go, I don't want to repeat that. So I'll go up the next show. And I find that if I alter it, if I change the path, it's so rejuvenating for me. So it's almost like a dancer.

doing a dance routine but then the next show changing the dance routine i steal from you ever once a while just just just in a word like sir so am i sir can you sir i'll never go into like a second part of your bit you know it's gonna be i think you owe me about 80 dollars 25 cents but i know sometimes it's accidental you're like wait what why do i know that and why is that fun for me like oh fuck that's harlins what am i doing not a whole you're like the mockingbird you're stealing my bit. Not a whole bit. No, I know. But you know, just that thing. By the way, if you did it, I'd be honored, to be honest. I've seen people sort of imitate me or rip me off over the years and there's people where I go, fuck you. And then, you know, if someone else like mimicked me,

I'd be like honored. Right, right, right. With you, it's a damn honor. Unless they got more successful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But, well, speaking of the craft and doing movies, we finally did a movie together this year. Yes, and we saw each other for five minutes. So as I was finishing, and by the way, it's the new movie Half Bake 2, the sequel to Half Bake. We have no idea when it's coming out unless I've told you something.

No, I don't know, we don't know when it's coming up, but we shot it down in. Baton Rouge. Yeah, Baton Rouge, Louisiana. And so I did my stuff, and then the day I had to leave, you were coming in, and we literally saw each other.

on the way to the makeup trailer for what, 10 minutes? 10 minutes, yeah. But at least we're documented in the same movie, right? That's the second time. Wait, what was the other one? Oh, geez, yeah, the one where we met. WTG. Yeah, Wag the dog.

Yeah, Wagt the dog. By the way, I watched it recently again. You did. Yeah, because remember this reporter came and did a story. It was like the 20th anniversary or something. I know, and you and I were quoted it. It was like, we're working for today. We were like talking extras.

You know what it was? A lot of people probably wouldn't talk to him for the interview. He couldn't get to the, because it was so loaded with big stars to Nero. Oh, God, let me turn that off. Time's over. Oh, hang on. Time's up. Hang on.

Big one. Hang on. Get a big fish? Yeah. Yeah, no, he didn't mean it, Siri. You just shushed to me. No, he, I know he called you a bitch. Worse than that in my mind.

No, he's really a good guy. Yeah, he was servicing you. Yeah. to tell him what okay are you sure okay uh okay uh here's what i say back to her hang on gray jay uh he says gray jay look it up okay okay yeah i'll tell him she get weird what uh this isn't me this is her i hear it uh you got a day and four hours to live it's too much well that's her not me well guess what i'm cut that short she won't win got that short huh uh-huh i have a date i went on one night

short for two reasons you left early and it was short ouch so yes so we do half fake two and here's the thing we we saw each other for so little we immediately just said high and joked around. I don't even know what your role was. What was your role in Half Bake, too? I am a dispensary owner that's somewhat of a gangster, and I also sell drugs that I'm not supposed to be selling, and then I'm after these other guys who are horning in on my territory.

Oh, wow. Okay. Nice. I play like the high school coach. Yeah. And don't you turn into a big spleaf? I turn into a giant reefer. I mean, this giant reefer with just the face.

Their vision. Yeah. Well, they're getting high. Yeah. Did you like it? Was a good experience that movie? Oh, good experience. I have no idea what the movie's going to be like.

Yeah. I'd work with the director before, cool guy. Yeah. And everybody on set was cool. I liked everybody. Yeah, the new, just so people know that the new half-baked part two doesn't have Jim Brewer and Dave Chappelle. It has another Dave. Yeah, I came in and did a cameo.

Yeah. Because you were in the first one. I was in the first one. And Rachel True, who played Mary Jane in the first one. she's back in a it's her son yeah yeah and so the new kids that are playing the half-baked kids i want to say they're actually really good very good really funny so i'm excited to see it i wasn't sure how they'd be but when i went in and did a dr some of the voiceover stuff oh yeah me too it looked really great i was like these kids these kids got it like they're really good actors so

i didn't see the whole movie yet but what i saw looked promising yeah it'll be fun okay as long as you're in it it'll be fun right did you just wink at me I did. Did you do it? Just, if you mind winking and following it up with the Jeepers, creeper saliva. Yes, where were we? No, I'm just going to let it hang for a minute, bro. Let's be in the moment here for a second.

I'm being observance to you. Drives Audrey bonkers. Oh my God. We've been talking way longer than I. How long was it? I didn't get to one of my questions for you. You cut all this other shit. What are your questions?

Do you want to do a rapid fire? We'll do a rapid fire. Okay. Want to do it? Yeah, yeah. Why did Steve Corell quit the office? Was it to do movies? I think you want to spend more time

as family. Oh, good. So it wasn't one of these things or, oh, good. I'm so happy to hear that. He wanted to spend more time. Although I'm still bummed he quit. It's a 12-hour day minimum.

Oh, yeah. The work he put it in. A TV job is 12 hours, so 6 to 6 or 6 to later. So he wanted to spend more time his family. And he had to carry that show. He's the best. I mean, Corell is another year. He's freaking amazing.

He's just amazing. And I always tell people, he's as good a person as you hope and better. Oh, that's great. Well, what bummed me out is that, as, you know, he did a few movies that I thought were good. Most of them, I thought, weren't as good as the office. That's why I'm bummed. I feel like the office was the leading role of his career. And when he left, like, with a season or two to go, I was like, ah, but I'm glad it wasn't.

He pulled one of those stupid, well, I'm going to go do movies now. It was for family. I really don't think there was an ego about it or pursuing another level of show business. Steve, you remember, has three, four, very huge movies. Yeah, oh, yeah. The animated ones. Forty-year-old version. No, the animated ones.

They've been the biggest probably. Oh, the Despicable means. There's three of those, and then the minions. Oh, he's in those two? No, but he's an executive producer on Despicable, so that's part of his thing, too. So that, I mean, that piece of business is done well for him. And it gives him the opportunity in life to explore. or all kinds of different projects that he wants to do.

Yeah. Well, he has a production company. I've submitted shows to his production. I've met with his production company. They're good people. Great guy. He can make choices. He can spend more time with his family.

Loves his wife, who's a lovely human being. Yeah. He's a loving man. He's a great dude. Oh, that's good. And it really, he does want to do good work. He always has. Yeah.

When I was at Second City, yeah. Steve Correll was a guy who, when he's on stage, it never fails. Now, after every set at, Second City. Yeah. They do an improv set for about a half an hour, 20 minutes.

Yeah. I have never once seen Steve Carell fail on stage. Look, a lot of guys will have varying degrees of success. Yeah. I have a nice batting average, but sometimes you just take a dirt. Yeah. Not once with Steve Correll. There's no failure.

Yeah. He is just a machine. It's amazing. Good to hear it. Okay. Next question. We're on a speed round. Hey, bossy.

Do you have a camping story? Anything funny? Yeah, when I was a kid, we used to go. There we go. We used to go. There was someone's farm about two miles out of town, maybe three. Yeah. We'd hike out there.

Of course, yeah. Imagine asking your kids to walk three miles now. Not now. We had probably have a seizure. We'd camp. Yeah. And we were trying to get some more wood. And this is how done we were in sixth grade.

There's this big trunk of a log, right? Yeah. And there's a place we called the Falls, because that is five-foot waterfall of the stream. Yeah. So I decided to ride this. I was going to ride this log across the stream, get it out for wood. Like, that's the dumbest thing.

Sure, nothing better for a fire than wet wood, yeah. And I got on it and it immediately rolled over. Yeah. And did you almost drown? No, no, no, it wasn't that deep, but it was very cold and like, oh, that was dumb. You know, that reminds me when I used to work up north, I used to do log rolling. Oh, you did? We'd get on the logs out on the lake.

Oh, yeah, we'd get on the giant pine log. We'd cut down a huge, and then we'd have two or three, sometimes four guys on the log. Four guys on the same log. You're spinning. Oh, huge tree, yeah. Wow. And we'd spin on it, and then you'd kick water and the other guy. You got so good on it, you could take one leg and kick water in the other guy's face to try and knock them off.

And that's cold water. Well, it was a lake, so it wasn't that bad. Okay. I once did this music video, and it was not a union video. This is years ago. Oh, boy, here we go. Yeah, it was years ago. And one of the things was they had to have a girl who's going to be a log spinner.

And it was somewhere up north and it was very cold. Yeah. And so she fell in once or twice. They didn't have a warming tent or a blanket and I stopped it because she was fucking freezing. I said, we're done. She's not doing anymore. Yeah. And they were very mad at me.

Wow. You're done. You're done. You made no fucking preparation. You didn't know what you're doing. This is worse than an amateur production. Yeah. You're done.

She's done. She's not doing it again Because I could see if she's getting hyperthermia And they didn't give a fuck Yeah, good for you I helped carry the fucking log down Like you guys don't have a crew I could fucking injure myself for life

But I'm a player man Yeah that's whatever And next question No that anger Popped right out there didn't it Yeah How tall are you Six two

Actually six one and a half now I've shrunk Yeah Talking about my cock we're going to do our final thing buddy you remember this we do it every time we didn't get all the questions but that's fine well we've ran so long okay i mean that whole crying thing you did three hours here we go this is words from a wooden shoe you know you reach in is there a story from your childhood i'm going to take from the front of the shoe i'm not okay okay

take from the front of the shoe see if it's a memory from your life your childhood Christmas. Oh, here we go. I had this conversation with some of the other day, and people aren't not going to like this. Great. It's not my favorite holiday. Because it always,

it was always work for me. Why are you Santa? Yeah. I've been Santa more than once for people, improbable places. So when I was growing up in a small town, you don't buy a Christmas tree and tipped, and you go cut it down.

Right, because you're surrounded by them. Yeah, by the time I'm in sixth grade, I have to go out with my dad, my brother, and another family, go out with their farm. It's always snowing. Fuck, you're having trouble with timber. Yeah. Then I have to go crawl under the fucking tree and saw it down. And then we had to take it out to my father's manufacturing plant, and then he trims it there, and it's a whole production. It takes the whole day.

Wow. And then you've got to put the lights in. And then the week before, I had to put all the lights out outside. So it's like, okay, you don't have any free time. So not only am I working every day after school throughout grade school for my dad. Yeah. Now it's the weekend. Hey, what are we going to do?

Let's go work. So I have a really love, hate with Christmas. It's kind of like, oh, God. And you know what? To be honest, these days, there's no Christmas. It's a fucking, it's only a reason like, get me what I want. Where's my wish list? I want my stuff for Christmas.

And that's not my kids demanding it, but that's everybody. What's the Christmas spirit, right? It is, it is, it's, it's an economic necessity. If Christmas didn't exist, do you know how many businesses would go out of? Night. All is. And by the way, those creepy, how about this? How about this?

This, the owner of the inn, right? The inn? Where Jesus and where Mary and Joseph went. Wasn't it a stable? Well, this, yeah. But they. It wasn't like the red roof in, bro. They knocked on the door of the end.

We have no room for you in the inn. Oh, yeah. There's a very pregnant woman there. Yeah. Where was the inn owner's wife? Wouldn't she go, hold up, hold up. She's sleep with us. You're going to go sleep in the stable.

Son, son, dad. They're going to make a pregnant woman go at a shed. Yeah. And then what happens? She has the baby. And then three very crazy. Creepy shepherds come around. And what's Joseph thinking?

Yeah, who are these guys? Who the fuck are these guys, Mary? And they're bringing bling. Right. Hey, no, no, those are the Wiseman. Oh. The Shepherds showed up that night. Oh.

The Wiseman came 11 days later. That's the 12 days of Christmas. A lot of guys. That's the 12 days of Christmas. Do you know that? Well, I do now. The Christmas Day, and then 11 days later is the feast of the epiphany when allegedly the three kings showed up.

You know a lot about Christmas for a guy who hates Christmas. You, God, I'm being of service to Christmas. But what's Joseph thinking that night? First of all, first of all, it's not Joseph's kid. Yeah, it's gods, right? Isn't it gods? Yeah, and Joseph knows, like, I've never slept with this gal. I'm just going to take it on her word.

And then what happens? Three dudes show up and they seem to know her. Doesn't Joseph kind of go, hey, Mary. So, uh, who are these? guys yeah they seem to know you yeah and you know if there's the those shepherds are going like hey uh anybody gonna eat that placenta oh god oh god christmas yeah i don't know man it's become such you uh uh you know corporate holiday it's it's you know when they start fucking putting out the christmas uh stuff before thanksgiving

It's just, I don't know, man. What would happen if you didn't give your kids gifts? I know I never would, but it's such a, you know, an expectation of I'm going to get a bunch of stuff. Do you want to just say bah humbug and get out of this? Ba. Folks, we've got to end it there with Scrooge. Give them a plug, buddy.

where can they see your tour? David Keckner, comedian, author, on an author, writer. On Instagram, David, K-O-E-C-H-N-R, also on Facebook. I'm touring the rest of the year. All over the country. All over. Go see him, man. Boy, aren't we lucky?

We are. I mean, the fact that right now we're as a strike and that we have an extra skill set that we can go out and make money if we have to. That's been the beauty of stand-up. Because there was a strike years ago, and there's always ebbs and flows when you do what we do. So the stand-up is a blessing.

Thanks to all the fans for coming out and seeing us. Go see David Zachary Keckner. And folks, till next time, chicken chau-main, baby. Yeah, baby. Come on, noon. You want to go get some placenta? Yep.

I got some in my pocket. Thank you.