The Harland Highway - NEW Harland Highway podcast #20 BOBBY LEE

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

Comedian Bobby Lee and I discuss Zombies, Love, and Testicles! And yes, I wrote Bobby a love poem! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show Harland Williams That's fun? That's fun. I knew you'd have fun right away. I'm having the time of my life, I think. I'm having the time of your wife.

Yeah, baby. All right, hang on, ready? I'm going to play the theme music, ready? Yeah. Ready? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, sweet mother of earth.

Here he is. Yeah. Here he is, my little truck driver, buddy. Yeah, yeah. How you doing? When he's not hauling, he's a giggling. I'm a giggler. Look is here.

You're at the Harlan Highway. The only highway you want to be on, And I'm my special guest today. Yeah. B.L. Bobby Lee. Hi, guy. Hi, guy, guy. How are you?

What's up? Ca. Canadian. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Are you Canadian? No, but I love it. You love it up there, the forests?

Because that show alone, hey? We watch that show alone. Yeah. Yeah, it's always up where you live. Where you're from. Would you do it? Would you be alone? I would be alone, but I would probably only last like two days.

Hang on. You want to be alone right now? Hang on. Yeah. How's it feel to be alone, guys? Oh, I don't like it. Where's my bow and arrow? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah. Can I say something about that show? Alone? Alone. I love it. How, what are your eating habits like? Like, are you at one of these healthy eater guys?

No, I eat garbage. Okay, so here's the thing. I go out with people. They're always like, you got to have the yeast-free diet. Yeah. You got to have the gluten. free. Don't eat fats. Don't eat this. Eat only berries and vegetables. Every year there's something new like caveman that was a thing. Yeah. There's always a diet. But then when you watch

this show alone and just so people know what it is, they take 10 regular folks. They're not regular. Well, they're like, they're, they have families and stuff. They're insurrectionists. Whoa. No, yeah, you're right. Power drop. They got power drops of word. But they're all like kind of like survivalists. Yeah, but I don't know what that word means. Yeah, they like, they read the Turner Diaries. What's insurrections mean? I'm kidding, I'm calling it.

I don't know what that means. The same people that did January 6th, that was just a joke. Oh, Insurrection. Okay, okay. I didn't know. There was a Star Trek movie called Insurrection, but that's not what I meant by it. Oh, my God. I saw the sequel, Caesarean section.

It was great. They cut right into space. But anyway, so what happens is they dropped these 10 folks in the middle of nowhere, and they got no food. They got a hunt and collect. Would they get 10 items? They get 10 items. They get a knife, a blanket.

One guy took his Teddy Ruckspin. I couldn't believe it. That was crazy. That was not. He ate it. But here's where I'm going with the food thing. Go ahead. They all get, a lot of them get removed because their nutrition starts to fade.

Yeah. And it's always the guy or girl who shoots a giant mammal. who wins. Yes. Like three seasons ago a guy shot a moose. Yeah, his name is Jordan. I think it was the name. Yeah.

He shot a full-blown moose. Yeah, yeah. The last year, the guy shot a muscox. Yeah, that's right. I remember. A freaking muscox. Remember you stabbed it a couple times. Yeah, he shot it and it wasn't dead and he stabbed it like 30 times with a night.

And then this season, what's the thing, alert? Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert, yeah. And I don't know if your car. I was a spoiler or not. But this guy shot it. Deer. Yeah, that's right.

And guess they all win. They all win. And the people that eat the berries and even the fish, they all, they all lose. They all lose. I think that, um, you're right. And it's like they all, you have to smoke. So you catch the big guy. Yeah.

Right. Like if there was a mammoth. Yeah. You and I, oh, we would fuck it first. But, you know, it's wool. Wait. What was that last part? They would fuck it first.

They have woolly vaginas. Fuck a mammoth. Yeah. They have woly vaginas. Dude, there's a place just down the road here called the La Brea tar pits and I go I get up early and fish for mammoth down there you can see them dude we should go one we should go we you can fuck it then I can eat it well I want to eat it too but I fuck it oh okay yeah yeah so if so you do what you have to smoke it so you slice all the

stuff up you make a little smoker yeah right you turn everything into jerky yeah right and then you kind of but I would do a combination thing what do you mean like like I would for it no I would forage it's not Applebee's bro you're a guy guy guy you're a You're alone, guy. Guy, I know. But I would. Guy. Guy. Dude. That ain't Applebee. I know, dog. You can't get a Rudy, tuti, fresh, and fruity when you're alone. I know, but you can get mushrooms, dog. Oh, yeah. That's what, okay. That's what I was going to say, player.

Okay. You can get nuts, mushrooms. Sometimes there's cranberries. Right, but they all lose. I know. That would be a combo. I would forage. Oh, I see. I would forage, fish. Get it all. Get it all. Yeah. And that's the guy who wins. Get it all. Gets it all. Gets it all. But here's where I'm going back to the diets that we have. Everyone says, don't eat cheeseburgers, don't eat fat, don't have bacon.

And every one of these people on alone, they go, I need fat. I need fat. Even when they catch a squirrel or a rabbit, they go, yeah, it's meat, but they have no fat. And so one lady, do you remember this? She actually killed a porcupine. The insides were. She cut it open and the liver had worms or something. Yeah, yeah, a little bumpy.

And she goes, I have to eat it because this porcupine. has more fat than anything I've caught and she ate it and she was okay would you have eaten it I I don't know I would have boiled it you boil porcupine well I would have because if there's any bacteria or you know liver lumps or yeah yeah you know what I mean but you you're in survival mode but but the point is it's like what got these people through to the end fat and all we hear about is fat free this fat and when you watch it at being acted out in the real world you you You peel away all the emotion, all the fat diets, all the doctors. What do we?

It's fat. Fat. Yeah. How much do you weigh? How much you weigh, Bob? Let's just say, Dad, he's getting a little hungry. We worked up a little bit of a little bit of a little. Are you cereal?

Yeah, what do you wear? You got that cannibalistic look in your eye. I don't think you need to know. How much you weigh, dog? I'm about 2.15. Yeah. That's good. You like that?

You like to party with that? Yeah, I like to party with that. Yeah, that's not bad. Yeah. I could be in a bungalow with you one day, man. A bungalow? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like going on vacation and stay in a bungalow with you, bro.

A bungalow? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got walls, right? But it's like remote, right? It's kind of like a cabin, but it's usually, you know what I mean, near water. I don't know if I pitch you as a camper, though. I mean, I've known you a long time. Yeah, bungalows are different.

They have like waitresses. and stuff, cocktail wedgresses. But do you camp and stuff? No, I don't camp. Bungalow doesn't mean that I'm going to go to fucking, you know what I mean, Usamity and, no, bungalow is like, what I meant by bungalow was, you know, sometimes resorts have bungalows. Wow, dude.

This is called Bungalow rage right now, dude. Yeah, dude. I think you and I, in a bungalow, dude, just for the day, dude. I think we'd kill each other. Look at the anger that's happening right now. I know. Because you questioned me, bro. Well, you know.

bungalow fucking schmongelow my gungalow yeah i would love to do that but you how long do you think you'd survive on alone i'd do pretty good i'd do pretty good i think so well i used to be a forest ranger up in canada back in the day i was there's no way yeah you were a forest ranger i was and what you do out there oh we did everything we did uh fish and wildlife we did i was a canoe guide i've wrestled a wild caribou to the ground i've been charged by moose i've been i've lived in some pretty remote places around a bush camp or like 35 guys wow i've probably cut down with my hands not chainsaw but with an axe i've probably cut down freaking a thousand trees in my life can you start a fire without flint no well they die then well they give you a little that's true that's true

yeah that's true you can do that though i i can do that but i can't do the i i've tried that. It hurts. It hurts your arm when you do that trying to start the fire thing. Yeah. But yeah, I think I'd do okay on a loan. If I was a masseuse, like, you know, those Asian masseuses around now, right? Yeah. And, you know, would they give you happy endings? You mean like a Nancy Drew book? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At the ending of a Nancy Drew book, it's so happy. It's so happy. It's so happy. The mystery is solved. Yeah. If I come in and go, there's a mystery in here. Yeah.

Right. The mystery of the sweaty mammoth. Yeah, yeah. And that's how I would, I think, you know what I mean? Because I don't want to do that, you know? I would just do that. Anyway, let's move on. Power pop.

I want Power pop that, you know what I mean. Wow. So, but yeah, this alone show, it's like, I love it. It's addictive. Yeah, but you know what also? Because right now the eighth season is on Netflix, but there's a ninth season on iTunes. Come on. Yeah.

Feel the noise. Girls. Rock the boys, dude. Really? There's already another one out? Yeah, there's only two more episodes that, like, in the next couple of weeks are going to come out. But in this one, spoiler.

Oh, here we go. Uh-oh. There was one kid who was getting food, right? Everything was fine, right? Two weeks in, he's just like, what am I doing this for? Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm getting protein, but I don't want to kill squirrel.

grills no more. Yeah. I miss my girlfriend. Yeah. And he was one of the youngest contestants ever, you know? Yeah. I think you need to be older to be on the show because it's mostly mental. Yeah, yeah.

Right. Could you survive the psychological part of it? No, because the money's not big enough for me. Nice. You know, I mean, honestly, a half a million. Would you do it? I would probably do it for the experience. Yeah, but it's a lot of these guys, right, it's like Pico in this season that you

That guy from Portland? Yeah, the headbanger guy. The headbanger with the nose thing, right, right? Yeah. He's so, he needs the money so bad because he has twins coming. On the way. And he wasn't getting a lot. He got nothing.

He was living off. He was heavy. He was fat. I don't know what he is. It's Samoan. He was something. He was fat. Yeah, yeah.

And he, but the money is what drove him to that end. You know what I mean? Yeah. He had twins on the way. On the way. And so it's a lot, a lot of psychology. You know what I mean? Could you survive?

just not talking to anybody and just I can't do it I play Tetris on a tree I don't because I have to always be doing something really yeah I probably I probably make my own Tetris game or something yeah some of these guys made like log cabins with pulley systems and some guys made boats incredible you think oh that boat guy yeah yeah you're like you got it dude and then they they check out they check out they can't do it yeah it's insane but you know what that goes to show you if there was a time machine Harley yeah right and you and I were on a time machine and we went back into the frontier days, we'd be dead. At least for me. I wouldn't. You'd survive? Yeah. I can rough it pretty good, man. And in fact, I kind of like it. I like the rough.

I like the survival mode thing. You do. I do. When I was in college, I used to kind of walk around and in my head, I'd be preparing for like the end of days. Like I thought, I thought, I thought this is going to be fun when I just get to roam around empty streets and walk into any old house. and grab a rifle and grab some canned food. Wow. I romanticized it. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, I think in a, like, if there was comedians, right,

I was with a bunch of comedians. I got to choose between comedians to do like, if there's a zombie apocalypse. I think you would be one of them, I would pick. To wander the waistline? No, no, to have a fort, to defend against a zombie whore. I would need, like, what comedians would be? You want me for sure.

Yeah, what else? Guys, it's you and I. Who else should we bring in there? Who else? God. And we're talking about just... Survival. They have to be comedians.

Yeah, I'm trying to think. I think Dan Cook. Dane? You know why? Why? He's agro. What's that mean? He's just kind of an agro guy.

I think when he's... Because I played war zone with him. Yeah. He gets really angry fast. Okay. So he'd be like a raging bull. Fucking shit, Lee! You know what I mean?

Like he gets crazy, right? Okay. He just need a hot head to go out there. Yeah. Yeah. Like we need somebody to go to the grocery store, right? He would do it, I think. Yeah, so he'd be like the Hulk.

He's our Hulk. He's our Hulk. Yeah, yeah. Dane Cook. So we need 10. So we got those, three already. Dane Cook, we got you. Yeah.

We got me. Yeah. I'm the strategist and I'm the stealth guy. What am I? And I'm... What am I? I see you as maybe being the pastry chef, like in the kitchen with an apron. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, making snacks. Well, I could chop olives. Yeah, you can make snacks. for the gang? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what I'll do. You know what do you see yourself as? You know yourself better than I do.

I would dig holes. The whole digger. For sure. Well, for what purpose? Several purposes. Number one, I need kimchi. What's that? Kimchi is a Korean dish and I need to ferment it.

And you, you, you put it underground. What is kimchi? It's cabbage and what's, you know what you mean? Wait a minute. Cabbage. I'm holed up in a house. We already got the stink of 10,000 dead corpses walking around and you're fermenting cabbage. I need it for them.

Thanks, Guy. I'll just go out and stand with this. Hey, guy. You don't know how good it is, guy. Yeah, but we don't want to stink up the house with your rotten cabbage. It's not October Fest. It's like, Guy. Guy.

Guy. I'm going to convince you, Guy. Okay, Guy. Look at me right now. Rock and roll guy. So during the bird flu at, epidemic in Asia. Yeah.

Right. Koreans ran out of kimchi. Do you know why? Why? Because Koreans weren't getting the bird flu frequently like Chinese people were because they were eating kimchi and there's probiotics in the kimchi, right? So then the Chinese realized that and they bought all the kimchi from Korea and got it shipped over.

Come on. And they ran out of kimchi. So I'm telling you right now, if you want fucking probiotics, bro, during a zombie apocalypse, I'm your guy. I just want a can of fucking beans or something, bro. It beans and a side of kimchi. It's fine. That's also number one and number two, we got to hide the poo.

That's why we got to hide the poo, dude. Right? That's why I have to dig holes. Yeah, dig holes. Hide the poo. Right? What's so funny? And then we could play a game.

We could also play like a game. Like, you know what I mean? Where's your wallet? And I had it. I hit it somewhere. You know what I mean? There's different uses of holds. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, that's my job. So we have three people, me, you and date. We need some girls in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do they all have to be comedians, though?

Yeah. Oh, man. Why? You don't know any? Well, maybe Sarah Silverman. Yeah, she's great. She's really funny and cute. Yeah, but what she do, though?

She could do shows for us tonight, like, like stand-up sets. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, ladies and gentlemen, again, tonight. Yeah. For the 970th and 70th night in a row, here she is Sarah Silverman. She could do a set. Oh, I know. Tignitaro.

Tignitaro? Yeah, we should, we've got to have her. How come? I don't know this for a fact. Yeah. But she looks like she could put up the boards. Oh, hammer the boards under the windows. On our house.

Yeah. She just seems like somebody that could do that. So you're saying she's bored? Yeah. She's bored. Um, yeah. Yeah. Let's put some black people in there.

Okay. Yeah, who do you know? Let's see. I would say either Ian Edwards. Ian, yeah, he's a thinker. He's a thinker. He's a thinker. We need thinkers.

Ian's like very, you can see the wheels turning on that guy. Yeah. So I'd say Ian Edwards. Yeah. I'll tell you another one. Who? Chris Spencer. Why?

He's strong. Chris Spencer is strong, yeah. I think he's, no, you know who's up better? Owen. Oh, and yeah He's super tall And strong Yeah

And they're funny He's a funny guy Yeah Anyway So we got So fuck Chris Spencer We got two blacks We got Ian Edwards

Yeah And Owen Yeah So that's how many And we got one girl Two girls TIG Oh yeah TIG

Yeah So that's three Five six six We need four more Brad Williams Brad Yeah Yeah

We need a dwarf A little short guy To sneak into things Oh we could Use him as bait That's True. Yeah, that's good. Use him as bait. Use him as bait. He could sleep in the holes. He could. That the pool. That the poo one. Can you make kimchi like the way you make grapes? Like you stomp on it?

Could he, he could stop. Yeah. He could stomp the cabbage. Oh, you want him to, you think he has little feet, though, no? Yeah, but perfect to get in a hole. Oh, that's true. Little feet in the hole. Yeah. And by the way, Brad Williams is my brother so we can joke about it. Williams. worry about it. Don't worry about it. He's my brother. I got to deal with him. Yeah, no, all right, I know.

So that's seven? Seven. Yeah. Well, six and a half. Did he count a full? Yeah, he's a fully. All right. So seven, then.

And then three more. Three more. Yeah, we need an old guy. Like, you know, you know, everyone has like a sage or like, you know, the wise guy. Yeah. You know what I mean? And it's got to be an older guy that we know.

Oh, shit. So do you know Tom Drieson? Yeah. Either Tom Driesen, Argus Hamilton. Yeah. Or who else? Frazier Smith. Isn't he a sagey kind of guy?

What about Letterman? He's an older guy. That's better. Yeah. Yeah, he's smart. He's smart. He's got the beard. He can tell us stories.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Light a pipe. Yeah, I like it. Be like the granddad. The granddad. The granddad. So that's eight. Eight.

Right. And then we just need like two more. Who do we do? I think we need a big guy, like a big, heavy guy. Why? Just in case we need to block the door. Oh, right, right, right. Or do you ever see Raiders of the Lost Ark when that giant boulders rolling after?

Oh, yeah. So if we get like, we get a bunch of zombies coming, we could like roll the fucking guy. So I don't know any big guys, do you? Yeah. Well, how about this? If Ralphie Mae was still with us, we could use him. That's sweet Ralphie. Let's re what we do is for Frankenstein Ralphie. Yeah.

And he'd be into it. Oh, you know what? There's zombies. This is where I come in. What? I find out where Ralphie, check it out, dude. Oh, yeah, we could bring them back. Because they're zombies.

They're zombies. Right. So I think he's probably buried in Houston or Texas somewhere. Yeah. I'll make a trick. You'll go get them? I'll go get them. I'll get them.

I'll zompify them. Wow. And then I'll ride them back. Ride them, roll them back. Yeah, roll them back. Wow. Yeah. so that's good we got what we got it we got well that's eight two more two more we got a zombie

ralphine yeah who else um we need somebody that we can just spare to kill if we need be cosby i mean he's got a comment right he doesn't have a comment yeah yeah but he's old how do we right yeah doesn't even matter it's like you know yeah people are mad at them so Yeah, yeah, yeah, cause, get out there. Yeah, yeah. Get out there. Go out there and, you know. Yeah.

Feed. Go get us a potato. Yeah, go. Okay, good. So cause? Cause. Last guy then. Last guy.

Yeah. At the zombie house. At the zombie house. Oh, God. Yeah. Who do we get? Is there any, like, religious comics? Like someone that could.

Oh, yeah, we need a fucking. We need a spiritual advisor, right? Like a Christiany guy. Yeah. Do you know any Christians? Is it? is that weird to think we don't know nobody i don't know if i know any christian yeah do we know any of the ones that's super religious

it could be a jewish person that's super religious or they don't even have to necessarily be super religious but they have to be spiritual spiritual some of that meditates yeah i know who who russell brand oh yeah oh yeah he does all the yoga stuff yeah yeah yeah russol brand yeah and we could use his hair and knit blankets and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Toothpicks. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's great. So we have our clan now. We have our zombie house. Yeah. We're no longer alone. I love it. I love it. Comedians. Yeah, a week will last, we'll die. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for a word from our sponsor. And guess who it is? It's betterhelp. Betterhelp.com. Have you ever thought about what it takes to

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So there you go. Look after yourself at betterhelp.com. Do you find when you go out that people like always expect you to be funny? Like do you go to a party or you meet people and they go, have you ever heard someone just go be funny? Yeah, I have a lot of people like yesterday I was sitting at a restaurant and this kid came up to me and he from behind and he goes, hey buddy, what's up? And he said, you know, he's that guy? Yeah. Because he thinks that that's my energy or whatever, right?

And I, I go the opposite direction. So what did you do, punch him? No, I go. So. Whoa. It's not who I am. Yeah. But I had to kind of like tell him like, this is not who I am constantly.

You sort of psychologically like dimmed them down. I dimmed them down. I'll be like, oh, my bad are you? No, I go, no, I'm cool. I can talk. You mean? But it's like that energy is crazy. You didn't let them just play.

Well, before, when I was on the road, back in the day, I would have people pick me up. What do you mean? Like, after a show, like, if I was, like, in El Paso or something, some white dude would walk up to me and just kind of from behind and just pick me. I'm like, this guy's funny. Come on. Yeah, like, I'm a trophy or something. Well, what would you do? And I wouldn't say anything because I was just like, oh, they paid to see me.

And, you know, I mean, I don't want to. They get to use me. Yeah. I'm not confrontational. But now I say, put me down. Oh, so they still pick you up? Yeah, but now... How did they even get to the point of picking you up, though?

From behind. Oh. Yeah, they sneak up on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like prey. Yeah, yeah. And I have had, like, comics punch me and stuff, and I just, and I'd let them do it. And then now I put boundaries up.

I go, don't punch me again. Yeah, I had my buddy Tom. Do you remember Tom Green had testicular cancer? Yeah. And he told me a story once he was doing a gig, and he went out afterwards to like, you know, a bar or something and some some idiot as a joke goes hey tom you still have one ball and he punched him right in the in the and tom had to like like sue the guy man it was like it was crazy yeah like imagine having one left and and someone punches it and you could lose it but do you think his one testicle

is in pristine condition because if i had one testicle loved i would manicure it you would polish it polish it shining probably breast it in a jar at night like vinegar yeah yeah yeah yeah do shit yeah because my sacks now are not not fresh they're not they're extra wrinkly really do they stink i think so like what probably kimchi yeah yeah a little bit yeah yeah fermented yeah my sacks are fermented yeah yeah but if i had one sack i think i would be like be more it's like you know if you had one two that would probably make it really white what you said your sacks are fermented you only have one sack but two balls you don't have two sacks guy i have two sacks you do no you have two oh it's all one sack you have one sack two balls oh that's right i never even thought about that

you you've you did your whole life i always thought i had two sacks you thought there were two sacks hanging there yeah yeah you have siami sacks you're right wow it's like um so you thought you had four balls your whole life yeah like green beans right they're in a pod in a pod there's only one pod but there's plural peas right right so i have two sat no two two two balls scrotums is that what they're called what's a scrotum i don't like that word i don't know i think why i think it's i think that's what it is scrotum but we've never said it is that the first time you've ever really said it yeah i know i don't ever say it i don't think i've ever said it yeah you call them what like i'm in a dressing room at the ymc a i'm not going hey guy great scrotum you're right i'm like

hey guy great sack yeah well you wouldn't say it in a complimentary way you would as a doctor you would say scrotum like lift up your scrotum please oh god and then you're like okay you wouldn't say lift lift up your sacks or sack you wouldn't say that but when you compliment somebody at a spa you go hey nice sack not scrotum you're right you're very intuitive have you done that what Have you complimented the guys? No, but I have done this, like, because I bring comedians to either we spa or this other spa that I go to. Yeah. And, you know, they don't, some of them are like really kind of paranoid about being naked.

Yeah. And you're not. I love it. Yeah. And I will like, once they get naked, I'll just purposely stare at their members to make them feel a little uncomfortable. Another word I'd never use. What? Member.

Members. Yeah. There's three members. right there's only one no there's a penis and the two sacks or the fucking there's one sack oh yeah the penis and the two scrotums yeah you know what I'm starting to sell like a new kid's store the penis and the two sacks skipped across the field to mr clit's house yeah I mean if I brought you to the spa yeah would you feel weird Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy.

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So I've been exposed to nudity. I've seen every shape, size of manhood you can ever imagine. So I don't think I'd be weirded out. It might be weird that we're buddies. It's different when you're in a change room and it's a stranger because there's no connection, but to be looking at each other as buddies might be a bit weird. Why? I don't know.

You think I would judge you? I can do it with family. Like I've done it with my cousins and stuff But a buddy, I don't know It's a bit weirder I don't know why So if you and I were at We Spa Down in Korea Town

Which I would love to do with you one day Right And I and I looked at your stuff And I went nice scrot on me It'd be weird I like it'd be weird But it'd be okay I knew it would be malicious

I have no gay intentions Yeah no I know Okay good It won't be malicious Thank you It wouldn't be gay Yeah It would just be weird

because it's something that we've never done before. Right, okay. Yeah. Interesting. I took Ian Edwards once. Yeah. And I go, you got to get naked. No, dog.

He goes, nah, right? Whoa. And so we get naked. I turn around, and he finds basketball shorts. Where on the ground? Yeah, I didn't know where he got him because I had gone to the spa a million times. I don't know where you get, but he found them. You might have stole it out of somebody's locker, but he went into the steam room and the sauna with the

basketball shorts. So wait, just so I'm clear, you call up comedy buddies and just say, hey, you want to go down to the spa, my treat, right? Yeah. And then you go down. I don't call them. And you get raw. It's always after a show.

I'm at the comedy store. You just go, great set. You want to go steam off. Yeah. So you go, and some of these guys say yes. Yeah, I've been there with Steve Byrne, Jay Davis, one time with me, Ian Edwards. So after a set, you just go in like clam bake. You would clam bake, yeah.

And you're naked there. And you just sit there in like the steam room? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What goes on? Well, in the steam room and I'll look over and go, nice set tonight. He just don't look at my junk. I got, that's not what I'm referring to. Stuff like that.

And then, you know, it's three in the morning and then you got to go bye and then you leave. What's so funny? So there's a steam room open at three in the morning. Yeah. why why you make it so weird i'm making it weird i'm making it weird it's three in the morning you're in a steam room naked with your buddy why what well because it's cultural so like kimchi yeah like kimchi wow you know it's like in my culture you know i mean you go to steam rooms and stuff really yeah my dad took me that

to them, to those, when I was a kid. Your dad did? Yeah, my friend Peter Kim. So me and Peter Kim, another Korean guy. Do I know him? No, but he's a younger, very funny guy. Okay. Him and I, so his dad died in a steam room in Jersey back in the day, right?

Okay. Because he used to, you know, he had a heart attack in the, actually the sauna, like the, no, the, um, jacuzzi. Okay. And my dad used to take me to them. So him and I wrote a show of a sitcom about spas, Korean, spa, and we sold it to NBC. It's there right now. So my point is that it's a cultural thing.

You fucking, son of a bitch. You fucking, you know what, dude? Let me say something right now, dude. Let me let it out. Steve it out. What do you mean to say? What I mean to say, dude, is that it's not a weird thing, you know? And you're making it weird right now, my guy.

I'm my guy Yeah It's just I find it a bit odd What guy You're over there Powering out a comedy set Yeah

It's like midnight Yeah You see your buddy in the hall You grab a meal You say great set Let's go steam off together Yeah Let's go to

Because I go every night At anyway You do Yeah I go every night Alone I went last night Yeah alone

You went alone I go every night alone At what time Anywhere between 7 p.m. And four in the morning Why do you go every night? It relaxes you?

Because I like going into the cold plunge and then the steam room, and it gets my blood curdle. Like, yeah, it relaxes me. I like it. And it's also kind of like cheers. You know the show Cheers? Yeah. Well, you know the same people?

And you go, hi. You know who else goes? Every night pretty much. Polly. I see them all the time. Polly, sure. I introduced him to the one on Sixth and Ardmore. and he goes there every day

it's called Kundai So what time do you get home And are you all pink Like are you all steamed Like what do you look like? I'm not steamed because what I end I close with cold plunge What's that?

I love that band What is it? What is that cold play? Cold plunge You go in a hot A cold hot tub or something Or what is it? Yeah so every Korean spot

Has a cold plunge It's a little pool yeah and it's super cold that's icy cold so you go to the steam room right it gets your blood going super hot yeah super hot and what you do is can i just stand yeah yeah so what you do is this all right so you go to the hot one yeah right and you go only waist high yeah right so your upper body isn't isn't normal you know what I mean yeah yeah and then you go to the cold one this way and it circulates your blood fast wow right and I believe and I don't know if this for a fact but I've Googled it, right?

Yeah. It's just that, you know, there are some cultures that have spas and cold plunges into their, you know what I mean? Routine, right? Yeah. And those people live longer. Do you want to live to be really old? I want to live longer than I am now.

Like, I don't want to die right now. You want to get to the end of this podcast. How old do you want to die? I always said I would die at 103. Yeah. You know what? I say that? Why? Because to me, the brain is like a computer. Yeah. And I feel like the brain is receptive to the input you give it. And so, you know, they say the brain is the strongest thing we have.

And so when you give the brain the power of suggestion, let's say I say to my brain, I want to live to 103. So it starts kind of modulating the body and releasing the chemical. And it's going, okay, I've got to slow everything down and program this body to be 103. Wow. So you're kind of manifesting longevity. Because I think the brain has the power to do that. So I think if you start feeding it that, then it's like if, let's say you were lost somewhere and you were starving and you say, okay, I can't die.

I got to keep going. I got to keep going my body. And you'll live like 30, 35 days without eating. But I think you can manipulate the brain to like sort of program it. Can you program your life then? Elements of it. Yeah. Like, do you believe in manifestation?

Yeah. You do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you let and go, I imagine this thing, I believe in this thing, this thing is going to come true. You believe that? I believe, I'm not saying it works every time, but I think you create energy and open portals to that happening. I agree.

Yeah. You know what? That's what I'm going to start. You know, because I always say, I'm going to die, I always say to myself, jokingly, or on stage even i'm going to die alone and i'm going to die early i shouldn't do that well if it's just words you're okay if i believe but if you i'm going to see what i believe though what what do you think you'll die how old i'll tell you what i want i want 90 95 yeah okay okay that's what i want then tell yourself that that's what i want because i just did that um history of the world movie yeah there's a new one

yeah based on the mel brooks he did it he did the new one that i did oh he did he did he did the new one that i did Oh, he did the new one? Yeah. Wow. But I did it because I thought I was going to meet him. Yeah. So when I showed up at set, it was not here. He wasn't there.

It was Nick Kroll and Ike Barronholtz and those guys. Oh, okay. But they're like doing it. But I go, where's Mel Brooks? And they go, well, he's because of COVID, but he's bright and shiny and he's involved on a daily basis. And he's 95 years old. Wow. You know what I mean?

And I'm like, oh, I want that. Yeah. Like, I want to be able to like still do. shit at that age. Imagine being at that age. You've done everything in the business and you're still doing it. I think you need, I think, this is what I think. I think you need, you get to keep dreaming.

You got to keep wanting, wanting things. I think once you go, you know how sometimes, you know, a couple will be married for 80 years and then the wife will die and then the husband will die like two days later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Happens a lot. It happens a lot, right? I think that for me, it's like if I meet a woman and we're 80 and she dies, I have to think i want more pussy you know what i mean i think that's what it is i can't go oh i miss her

and i want to die too yeah you can't do that yeah you got to keep going i'm going to go to that app r time what's that our time is a app for um people that are over 50 it's a it's a dating app really it's called r time are you on it why i'm i'm not going to do our time because it's like i i i play young. So you do Toys R Us Time. No, in between, in between. Wow. In between, bud. Holy Kim cheese sauce. Yeah, yeah. Oh, here's

look at this. What? So it's a little test. Clam Chowder. Be funny. For me and you. Like comedians, they go, oh, just, they think you can make anything funny. Look at this. Be funny. Be funny on this. Yeah. All right, can I see the thing? What is it?

Clam Chowder. yeah clam chatter huh oh gee gee chunky just like your wife that's pretty good but why chunky you know yeah was there a point where it's like someone was eating clam chowder and they're like hey guys this ain't chunky it's like your wife your wife your wife chunky oh pat you jim you're right creamy like your wife yeah yeah but that's what i mean it's people think it's hard it's hard yeah But people come up to you. Have you ever been in a situation where... I imagine this is what Ralphie May's cum look like.

Oh, wow. God. Now I do need to get... Like chunky. Yeah, I need to get to the sauna. I got to steam off after that comment. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, my bad.

God, my God. You could put the clam chowder away, man. I'm done with that segment. You know what I mean, dog? I know, but it's hard, right? It's really hard to do... Yeah. I used to be...

You have another one? No, I used to hang out with Norm McKell. Donald a lot. Me and Norm were really close. And we used to go play tennis. And after we played tennis, we'd go into like the 7-Eleven. And we'd always do this thing where we go, okay, we're going to go in together. And each of us has to point at one item and make a joke about it.

And it was really hard. It's so hard. Like people think making jokes as a comedian is easy, but it's not. But I'll never forget, Norm did this. It's the only one I remember. but I pointed to you remember those things animal crackers yeah and I pointed to the animal crackers and norm just goes ah that that horse cock didn't taste very good so there you go yeah saturday night I went to the bray improv because they had a fallout and I go I'll do a show there

and I did a that's a long drive I did a new joke night there I did two shows you did okay right And they were sold out And so it was fun But I put a bunch of young comics before me Like six of them Yeah, yeah, yeah I wasn't going to do a long time I was only going to do 20

20, right? But they were killing it, right? Yeah And when I went up there At first it was like Ah Yeah, I brought a notebook Okay

You were going to do new material With some Okay Right And as soon as the third one came out The Joe came out, New Joe Yeah

I didn't know the wording Right Oh shoot Immediately I lost the crowd You could just tell that they're like, oh, that doesn't make any sense, right? Then I said the part that was supposed to be funny. Yeah. Right.

And I completely lost them. And then the electricity of the fucking club went out. Oh, perfect. No, that's not perfect. Nightmare. It sounds like your joke tanked, and before you could be held responsible, everything went black. No, it tanked first, right? It tanked first.

Then I moved into another job. Oh, into another one. And then the electricity. And then I was standing. there with no mic oh damn i don't know what what's going on yeah it took like two minutes then it came back on and i tried to get back into the act it was terrible i sweating but comedy man people stand up sometimes i mean we at the store yeah and the improv we do many shows there it's fun because it's like you're with your pals it doesn't really matter but when you're on the road yeah it gets hard

I did it once in Vegas and the alarm went off, the fire alarm, right in the middle of my act. Wow. Yeah, it was Craig. And what happened? I just started mimicking the sound. So I had the mic and it was like going, weep, whip, and I was just going, weep, weep, whip. And I did it for like two minutes and then I, and then I just got up because they couldn't fix it. So I just got off stage?

I got to finish my act early. Yeah. Were you bummed or were you happy? No, it's kind of fun. I like when weird unexpected stuff happens at the break. Improv. I was there last year, and on a Saturday night sold out, a guy walked up on stage, like a six-foot-three guy in military shit. Oh, my God. Just climbed up the front of the stage, 20 minutes into my act, and bigger than me, and I'm a tall guy, and I was like, dude, what's going on?

And he's like, I just want to say, Mr. Williams, you're a real funny guy, and thanks for what you do. That's it. And I didn't know what to do. Did they kick him out? No, he wouldn't, no security, nothing. And so I just, I was like on my own up there. And I go, I go, well, thanks, dude. And then I thought, how do I get rid of this gun?

I said, you want to do some jokes? And I tried to hand him the mic. And most people are terrified of public speaking. Yeah, you thought that was going to be the thing. And it worked. He goes, oh, no, I better get out. And he walked off stage. Wow.

But in this day and age, man, when you don't know what people are up to, like, shootings and this guy had military shit on i was like oh my god i'll be so petrified but see that goes back to the zombie thing because i was for whatever reason i don't know i'm not trying to sound like a tough guy i was just totally composed i just stood there and i swear to god i curled this fist up over here i switched mics this is my punching hand and i just slowly drifted back from a bit put the and and just had this hand like ready to either swing or put up a block like my mind was going what's his next step but I didn't panic I was just like and then I and then I just kind of controlled it and I wish I was like that it was weird I'm not like that but that's what I mean

if we get in that zombie house that's kind of my kind of vibe that I would but were you were you quiet because you're in it was traumatic because sometimes like if something traumatic happens with me I do I slow down and I'm just in this like fight or flight response yeah and I just don't know what to do I'm like, you know what I mean? No, I was in full, stand your ground, control the situation mode. Whoa. There was no fight or fight. There was fight.

I had my arm ready if he came, but there was no like, I wasn't scared at all. It's funny because based on your comedy, right, you would not seem like, it doesn't seem like you would be like that. But I think knowing you as a person off stage, you are like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that, you know, because on the stage, you're so silly. and so lighthearted. Yeah. Right?

But it's like, well... Yeah. Yeah. But once I got to know you offstage, I'm like, there is, you know,

a nature guy in there. You know what I mean? Yeah, there is a nature guy, man. Yeah. Yeah. And you're also very like, like the last time

you did my podcast, you know, we don't have to get into it, but I'm just saying, you gave me some insight about love. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And I thought to myself, wow, I, I mean, Harland is a romantic. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You are a romantic, man. I actually wrote you a poem about that.

About love. We did talk about love last time. You wrote a poem about love? I wrote a poem about your love. Oh, you did? I wrote a poem about, you know, I took away from when I talked to you and Kalila about the pain and the emotion and everything you were dealing with.

And I processed a lot of it. of it and I thought about it because I've been through it we've all been through it and it's kind of it's hard it's heavy but I feel like it's there everything happens for a reason so I wrote a poem about it for it I can read it to you or I cannot read it to you it's up to you me hear it you want to hear it all right get it out ladies and gentlemen My poem for Bobby Oh my God, you did Yeah

I've been thinking about you And your pain It's tough I know but It's tough stuff Can I just say something Please Before you even begin

If you want me to begin I do want you to begin It's up to you I do want you to But I want to say that There's a duality going on here With me Speak

I will is because I know you because when I look at your face you know what I mean how skinny it is it's a little pointy it's sort of like a raccoon yeah

like a hairless raccoon yeah yeah bald bald raccoon yeah you look like a scavenger to me it's like a raccoon that's why I'll be good at the zombie but when you're on stage and stuff and because you're so silly

and I also know you from the movies that you've done right sure right and then like this other side of Harland right this romantic this heartfelt guy who also what made me open my eyes to you was you know you've lived a life like outside of comedy yeah you know i mean you've worked you've done different things even today when you talked about you were a forest range or whatever you were saying like i did not know that about you you mean so you've lived a life yeah and so there's just different aspects

you know um can i just tell you before you read the poem sure if you want me i want you i fucking want you to man okay you know what read the poem because the thing I want to know you go I know I don't think all right I'll but it has nothing to do with the fucking go guy all right so I don't know if you know this but a couple of weeks ago we did the main room at the comedy store and you

and you yeah okay right because we do it a lot we do a lot yeah so a couple week was a Friday it was like three weeks ago maybe okay I never told you this Okay. And I got in a fight with an audience member outside of the club because of a joke that you told. Really? Yeah. Like a physical fist fight? No, I was kind of screaming at her.

Like, what the fuck? Shut the fuck. You like like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you did a joke about the hole in the neck and the dolphin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he threw the fish up.

Yeah. Yeah. It's such a fucking funny joke, right? Right. But you don't know this, but a group of girls, ladies, five women. walked out of the club when you told that joke. They did? Yeah.

Whoa. And I followed them out because I love when that happens. Wow. Because I want to say, I like, I like going on into confrontation with sensitive audience member and yell at them. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I'm like, why did you guys walk out?

It's like, that was too far. Whoa. And I go, what was? He goes, my dad had throat cancer. Whoa. Right? I go, I know, but it's just a fucking joke. And he wasn't talking about your dad's throat.

cancer and this and i was like very being very like uh aggressive almost yeah okay okay and they're like well we came to see you i go don't even come in whoa don't watch me i go don't watch me wow i mean because i felt like i was defending you or whatever thanks buddy yeah yeah it would be crazy i hate sensitive people well you know it's interesting because i think what maybe that person missed if you know if if if we don't do a joke about a tracheaumotomy then we can't do a joke about a car crash we can't do a joke about a dead dog we have to be able to talk about everything yeah and as you said they have to know that it's not about their father or their dog or their car accident as humans we have to laugh at everything and and i think what they're missing is sometimes if you

take a tragedy and someone laughs makes jokes about it it helps you process it we're not doing it to be vindictive or malicious or mean even or even mean it's to take something that's really hard and hurtful and maybe make a crack in it and lighten it up and and make you go okay whoa you know and even maybe even put a slight smile on your face yeah I had a girl coming to me after a show and she goes I don't have a dark purple vagina an Asian girl said that oh and I go because I do joke about how Asian women have dark purple vaginas like jellyfish yeah and it was a joke, right? Yeah.

She was adamant about it. She hunted me down. She goes, I don't have one. It's normal. I was just a kid. It was just a joke. You mean you didn't say prove it? Yeah.

That's, I should have done that. But then you're getting into like weird, yeah, weird territory. She got mad about that. Yeah. People get mad about a variety of things. It's like, it's like, I'm just, you know, here's the thing. I just write down what makes me chuckle in my car. And I say it.

Yeah. And if 90, 80% of the people in the audience, 70% like it, I keep it. You know what I mean? But there's always that little percentage of people that take it literally or... Right. Like when I told you, you only have one sack. And you got a little animated guy. I got a little animated because...

Well, the reason why is because I thought, you know, it's like something that I thought... Did you hear what I said? Testy. You got testy. Read the poem. Read the poll. Are you sure? Yeah.

I got to put my glasses on. Okay. Where are they? What the hell are my glasses, guy? Oh, my God. Try to read them without the glasses. See what happens. I can't.

I can't see without the glasses. Where are my glasses? Let me go grab my glasses. Are these it? Oh, there they are. Good eye. See, how weird I can't even see my glasses. So you, let me ask you something before you begin.

Yes. And if you want me to stop, you wear contacts? No. Why? Because I'm freak out about touching my eyes. Like I can't put my finger near my eye. It flips me out. I get squeamish.

Let me ask you this then. When you're driving around, you don't need glasses or do you know? No, it's only for stuff up close, like poems. Oh, so you have short-term memory loss? Yeah. Yeah. How dare you? So go ahead.

so this is um this is my takeaway from my conversation with you and colila is this a comedy or is this real because i have to i have to adjust my heart and my mind and to be in the same um rhythm and level yeah this is like okay let's go feelings i got from your relationship and you're breaking up and all that stuff okay in the dark and lonely night a whisper called my name a million miles away it filled my heart with pain i knew the voice so well like a river of endless dreams it drifted through the stars above and made its way to me burdened with lost promises confusion and cruel lies I crumpled to my knees as inside something died.

As tears slid down my face, long shadows crawled the walls. Why had time abandoned us when we thought we had it all? And as the whisper trailed away like a phantom through a crack, Time could not take her all from me, though she was never coming back. I could still see her sparkling eyes. sparkling eyes shining in the moonlight mist. I could feel the loving softness of her every velvet kiss. Why are souls brought together, if never to survive?

Because in their brief existence, they make us feel alive. And love is never wasted. It's stronger than life itself. You carry it forever, keep it on your heart shelf. Then, as the night went quiet, the whisper come and gone, I knew that she was calling me to say nothing was wrong, that what we had and who we are was perfectly meant to be, that forevermore I'm a piece of you and you, a piece of me. And so I stood and smiled, a light burned in my heart. Her whisper was the ending. but was also a new start. This was her final offering as the night turned in today

and knew the love that we had and shared will never go away. Wow. Really good and sad, but beautiful. And true. Well, I wanted to write something to you that was what I took from you and her, but was also my experience with love and I think everybody's,

but also at the end, hope, light. Yeah. What I gathered from that is, in a gist, is that the last 10 years, it wasn't meaningless. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right. It was, there were memories,

and things that I'll always carry with me. Always, yeah. Yeah, and the love will always be there, you know what I mean? Always. Yeah. And it's weird, yeah. It's beyond just, you know, this, you know, this, the title of just a relationship and it, you know what I mean?

There's so much more, there's so many different layers and, you know, things. And I'll always love her and I'll always treasure what we have. And also, maybe there's room for a different kind of love for somebody else. Oh, yeah. Do you know? Oh, yeah, there is. Yeah, yeah. How do you know?

Because I think I told you once before, you don't have a choice. That's right. Love comes at you like a tsunami. You think you can control it. You think you can put up a barricade. You think you can get the Doppler weather head start on it. But when love rolls up. over you it's that's the beauty of love you can't stop it yeah but i know a guy who's um can't get love

at all he's never had love you know what i mean yeah because he's ugly no this dude is ugly did and he's like never had sex he hasn't had ugly love no he can't even get ugly love dude he's ugly so what i'm saying is is that for that guy it doesn't work not yet how old is he almost 60 He's done. Yeah. I'm saying I've known in my live, like older in cells, you know, dudes that just, you know what I mean? They're just on the computer all day. Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean? They kind of live at their parents' garage. But see, that's exactly why you need to let love in because not everybody gets it. I have a friend who's probably, I think he just turned 50 and said, I've never been in love. And I'm going, holy God, like it's really probably the best feeling. life. It is. But is it artificial?

Because let me just ask you some questions, okay? Yeah, let me put the poem away. Because when you first meet somebody, right? Like when I met Colila, and I still love her very much, obviously. But it's like, you know, it changed.

The first two or three years, it's almost like you're in a pink cloud. Oh, yeah. It's that fluffy love. Everything, you know what I mean? You could eat their saliva off a Ritz Cracker. Yeah. Yeah, it's something like that.

Yeah. But, yeah, you would stare at them late at night and go looking out beautiful and every little thing, you know what I mean? Yeah. It's either funny or the greatest thing. And then it just kind of those things over the years die. You know what I mean?

Or they disappear or they're not as frequent. And then problems arise. Yeah. You know what I mean? And friction. And, you know, so what I'm saying is that first couple of years and it's been like that, I've been, obviously, I'm 50 years old. So I've been here before.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. been in them before they're all they start off strong yeah right they start off like you know like you know a dream almost right and then reality hits and it changes you know what my point is and i know dudes that are still together because of their kids yeah right as soon as my you know youngest kid graduated from high school i'm out of this yeah you know i mean so it's like you see a lot of those um relationships as well so i'm just wondering you know i this is what we're my hope is. And I have yet to meet anybody that's like this. Okay. But I would love to meet somebody that goes, you know, the first feeling that I had, that first couple years, it's always been like that

for the last 30 years. Well, you know what I think it is? It sounds a little hokey, but I think you have to nurture it. And what the problem is, is you have that initial feeling. You know what it took to create that. You knew how to treat each other. And you slowly let that bubble crack and the treatment starts to change and the taking each other for granted starts to change and sometimes the words start to change and I don't know it's but the but a lot of it harland now is the mystery of it all yeah that's big right it's big right and once the mystery is revealed once you solve it yeah yeah it then reality hits right and you're left with a human being which is great but my point is is that for me as a comedian and this is something that i've been

kind of struggling with is because i've had problems with drug addiction and other you know things you know it's funny i never knew that the whole time i've known you i think i saw that on a podcast like a few weeks ago i didn't know about all your history with that yeah because i had been sober most for most of it okay that's 17 years of sobriety so in that in that chunk you know I mean, obviously, it's something I don't talk about. Yeah, I didn't know about it. But I just had one six months ago, realized my point is, though, and because I do stand up, right, which is, and I, you know, you do scary things, right,

to hit those dopamine. And when you crush on stage, it hits, you know, things in your brain that, like, much like a drug does, you know? Yeah, yeah. And it's like, I use relationships in that way, too. It's like, it hits these dopamine things. And then eventually what happens is the drug stops working, right? So for me, it's like, I have to like, maybe the next time I go into a relationship to look at it for what it is before, you know, buying into the whole dream mystery, you know what I mean?

Yeah. You know, a lot of it has to do it. I want to be crude, but it's like, you know, maybe a certain percentage of it is like, well, I want to have sex with this person. Yeah. Right. So, like, you know what I mean? That excitement. Yeah, yeah.

Like, when is it going to happen? Oh, my God, this is happening? You know what I mean? All that stuff. And then once you, she opens herself up. to you and you do it to 3,000 times, you're just kind of like, uh, right, it's all right. You know what I mean? And it's like that, you know what I mean? So there's like a lot of elements to it that like I can't. Yeah. You understand? Or no. Human spirit is very restless.

It's, it's very, and that's why the divorce rate is probably over 50% and that's why people cheat all the time. And that's why it's so tough to be a human. So it does true love really exist as one of My question to you is. I think true love really exists, but I don't know if it can manifest in that kind of fantasy land where everyone's skipping and holding hands for their whole journey. I see. You know, my parents were very much in love, but it started off probably as romantic and ended up as a very deep-rooted kind of they loved each other through religion and because they were,

you know, unified under God versus, hey, I can't wait home to come through the, can't wait to get home, come through the door and kiss your face, you know? Right. And so everything, yeah, everything fades. And so you sound like you might be one of these people that might need like a new relationship every few years to. Yeah, but I don't see for me. Those are tough.

I did that before Kalila. Like Kalila was the first one I did 10 years with, right? Wow. Right before they were always two, two and a half years and they were done. Right. Yeah. And it's like I don't like I want to believe that I'm going to meet somebody and go. oh this is my life person yeah and i thought colila was that and she's in many ways still is my

life person i mean i'm going to know her for the rest of my life and i'm also for most of my relationships a lot of them i still know the people and i hang out with them yeah like sarah my one of my previous girlfriends has done my podcast with colila yeah yeah yeah and her are very good friends and i still see sarah all the time you know and so um so i know i just i don't know i mean you're alone right yeah i'm not with anyone yeah right so when i point is it you and I are the same age range. We both have the same occupation, right? And I'm just, I want to ask for both of us, maybe you as well,

is that do you think she's out there for us? Yeah, I always believe that she is. And you just hope that the planet's aligned and it happens. I've also accepted it might not, but I always remain optimistic that it will. Because I think if you don't keep hope alive and you dream and you, as you said earlier, you manifest, I think you do end up like that guy

just sitting in front of your computer and life passes you by. Yeah. Yeah, I would hope there's someone's out there for both of us and all of us, you know, and that's kind of the way life works, but you just don't know when and where, and that's sort of the fun of it too. Yeah, but you and I are a specific breed.

I think stand-ups, obviously, we're normal human beings, but I just think that there are reasons why we do what we do. I don't know. I don't go into that. Oh, you don't? No. I don't like that. You don't like it?

I hate that. You hate it? Yeah. You don't like it. You hate it. I don't like categorizing people. I love it. Because I think of you as such an individual.

And even though you do comedy the same way 200 other guys do, I never think of you as a comedian. I just think of you as an individual. I don't like, I don't like, I don't like comedy. plumping people together and there is but there is it's it's like the it's like in a like i'm in 12 step groups that's what i do okay i'm in 12 step groups right okay and i've been in them since i was 17 years old okay right so it's like and my relationship with people that are in my 12 step groups you know i mean yeah some of them are lawyers some of them are plumbers different variety of life women men right and have these this deep connection and i think the through line is

you know what I mean alcoholism and drug addiction we relate to it on that level that therefore we have a stronger bond I believe that's the same with comedians as well that we have a specific bond because we do a specific thing and people don't understand you know what it takes because it's not with something that you go you go oh I want to be comedian and all of a sudden you're on the tonight show no it takes years you know of dedication and a lot of pay. Yeah, it takes getting beyond this. Yes.

It's not easy to write a joke. It's not easy, right? It's not easy, right? So, you know, like Saturday when I told you I did the brain improv, I had five comedians that were younger. I always used young, fresh people, right? And I was in there with maybe two or three girls, and they were in the green room with me. And I realized that we all come from abusive dads.

Whoa. Right? Interesting. And trauma in that one. way, right? And we'll start talking about our dads and all the things that they did, the abandonment, the physical violence, you know what I mean, the verbal, you know what I mean? You were physically abused? Oh, yeah. So when you, you know what I mean, when I bonded with them, to me, that's why maybe, I know a lot of comics like Sebastian Montescalco, maybe you, there's a lot of them that didn't have, they had pretty nice childhood. Yeah, that's a great one. Right.

But a lot of times, I think for the most part, even, the ones that I hang out with have the similar background. You know what I mean? So that's why I say it. I think you're an anomaly, actually. Huh. I do. I think you're an anomaly. Why is your mouth going down like that, is it?

You haven't a... I'm a strong. You don't think you're having an anomaly. No, I do this because I go, I think I'm right. So I do this. Yeah, well, you're not insulting me. Okay. I did have a good upbringing.

Yeah, yeah. And I did, you know, every family has their issues and whatnot. Yeah, I think there are, I can, Al Madrigal, you, but there are most, for the most part, there was something that happened, you know what I mean? Right. Something that sparked at some sort of traumatic thing or something or a need that was never there, you know what I mean, that we're looking for through an audience and whatever. You know what I mean?

I mean, it is a weird thing to go up on stage. I don't know if you think this, but sometimes I'm on stage and I go, and I'm doing well, and like eight, nine minutes in, I think to myself, what are you doing? Yeah. Like, what is this? Yeah, yeah. It's weird.

I mean, I'm just, you know what I mean? You ever think about that? You're on stage as hundreds and hundreds of hundred people watching that, you know what I mean? Yeah. And you're just, you know, you're just going, looking around going, why do I need this? Yeah. What is this? And sometimes you have those thoughts while you're,

while you're performing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You're speaking the joke and your brain's thinking something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very bizarre. Every now and then that happens. Yeah, yeah, it's very bizarre.

Sometimes you're in it and you don't think about it. But a lot of times, like, I question, like, why do I need this in my life? Yeah. Because if I don't do it, I'll be depressed, I think. Like, imagine they said, like, I'm a doctor, Mr. Williams. Yeah. You have a throat thing and you can't really do stand up anymore.

Would that depress you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it would be crushing. You'd be life altering almost. Yeah, of course. Right. Yeah. So there is a need for it.

There's a need. What does it give you? But it's also something you decided to do early on. And it creates an energy and it creates an excitement for you that you probably didn't want an ordinary life where you knew what was coming. You like unpredictability because stand up no matter how good you get, you can bomb on any given night. So it's very unpredictable. And you probably didn't want to be. be a guy that woke up every day and went oh i'm going to the office from nine to five i'm going to have a

life that can can go yeah i i i like i you know what show business is right it's a lot of pain and a lot of rejection yeah but you get little lottery wins yeah yeah right yeah like you won right so like years will go by and nothing will happen yeah you know i mean at least for me you know nothing will happen i think for most people yeah you don't get anything good no good calls you know and then everyone's Well, someone will call you, yeah, this show or this movie, or this is happening, right? And you go, really? That's cool. You know what I mean?

And it gives you, it res sparks some dream that you have or whatever. You get these mini, sometimes you'll bomb, it's terrible, but sometimes you'll have a magical set where you go, I just won a little lottery. That was just amazing. You know what I'm that feeling. Now there's another feeling I get sometimes too, which can be on the negative side, which is what, is. sometimes I go, is the devil just leading me along enough so that he takes control of my path? Are they lottery wins or is the devil planting little nuggets to keep me going down this road? A wrong road.

Maybe. You really think so. Is that a joke or no? No, sometimes, you know, you always look at the yin and the yank. So sometimes I think, oh, did I just get this thing? now I'm going. Wait, wait, wait. What you're saying, okay, so what you're saying is this, right? That maybe you and I could have been helping more in the world

by doing something else. Right. And the devil was like, no, come here. The devil, here's another girl. Here's another gig. Here's another thing of money. Here's another thing. But then I reverse engineer that back. And I go, what am I doing? I made this person laugh. I filled them up with. with joy. I created this show that blah, blah, blah. Maybe I only did go out with a girl this long, but maybe I helped her get over this. She helped me with that. So you can always look at it both sides, but sometimes I look at, you know. I've never thought of it that way, but I think there are times where maybe I do think that, because there are times where I think, is this

the healthiest atmosphere for me? Right. Right. But here's the other thing I'll say, you could say that about any job. You think a trial lawyer doesn't go, okay, I'm going to work 52 hours a day, blah, blah, blah. Then I won the case. God, that took so much out of me. Well, your next case starts in a week. And then there you go again.

And so what job doesn't do it almost, you know? Yeah, it's so straight. I think it's because you watch a show, like let's go back to alone. Yeah. Right? That's primarily what humans did to survive. There was no.

gatherers yeah there was no like you know me where's my TV show there was no audience there's no that's essentially what we are right yeah organisms trying to survive right right right but in modern age we've developed these other things because we have the shelter and the food and all that shit taken care of right we fabricated the illusion of society right yeah so what's what you're right so what is real reality why are we here well it's it's all we we we we we we we we we I say humans are here just to service humans. We wake up, we make money, we give that money to the plumber. The plumber gives that money to the restaurant.

The restaurant gives it back to us when they come and see our show. Then we give it to the car dealer. So it's all just a flip-flop. And that was interesting about COVID because everything stopped. And it made all of us go, why are we here? What are we doing? No matter what your job is. What's the point?

And so that's the thing you have to, you have to wake up, look at the positive side of everything, and you have to look at what we do is in this world where things can get maybe dark, we spread joy and a little light, despite maybe some of our issues that we might have had with our family

or this or that. Yeah, yep. I think for me to counter all that, those thoughts that you said about the devil, all that stuff, I think what I do these period, periodic, is that the right? Yeah. Yeah, periodic spurts of kindness.

Good. Right? And I don't know if it's because I'm a kind person. I do it because for some reason I just kind of don't want to go to hell or whatever, right? So I, maybe I don't know what the fear is, but I want to like, you know, sometimes I like, I don't like talk about, but one time, like, recently a homeless. guy he had a in front of a 7-11 he had like a shopping cart yeah and i just kind of and there was like a white book like a notebook that had rubber bands at closing it in yeah probably his manifesto

or whatever yeah but um i slid some money in there and i just when i got you know i mean i try to do things like that to go just to give back or whatever right but then sometimes a homeless i'll be really rude to a homeless person too so i don't know you know you know i'm going no yeah you know what I mean it's look humans are complicated wired you know it's like if you ever if you ever take a like a TV or a radio it's smash it on the ground and it's wires and computer boards and that's what we are we're so complex you're you're allowed to have days where you're antsy you're allowed to have days when you're generous it's just part of being human what so let me ask you harlem Williams harleham

Harley Williams' opinion about something. Yeah. When you finally die, what is your honest opinion, what you think happens? My honest opinion is that we are organic and we get eaten by worms and grubs and we deteriorate in the mud.

But I know I don't have the answers to everything and I know that the universe and the world and the world is such a big, complex place that it's not beyond the realm of my comprehension that our spirits or our energy or something goes somewhere. It's too big to know the answer. The world is so perfect but so chaotic at the same time. The fact that there's symbiotic relationships out there in nature,

you know, like a little mite can live on the beak of a hummingbirds it's, you know, beak and it uses its nostril to get its food. Yeah. A shark can open its mouth and a feeder goes in and cleans the teeth and the shark. You know, it's just, it's so complex and everything fits. And it's too big of a miracle. Or like there's like in Africa there's like rhinos and there's certain birds that go on their backs because the rhinos, when they stomp, insects come.

Right. Right. So they eat the insects, right? They use it as. And the rhinos, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like it because. You sit on their back and hit the tick, yeah, yeah.

And so the world, everything sort of fits together and feeds each other. So I have to believe that there's got to be just so many answers we don't know. And so my mind is open to the possibility of as kooky as it sounds. And this isn't from a religious point of view. A spirit or something could go somewhere or energy. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you think about every time I step on an ant, I don't think of it that way.

I just go, it's a dead ant. They don't, what, they don't have a spirit, too? So it's, you know what I mean? Like, you're just a stupid ant. You huddle around a pile of raspberry jelly like a bunch of retard, you know? But it's like, so you just, you just don't know. You don't know. It's too deep.

It's too. But that's why it's exciting because of the mystery of it all. I mean, if you walk around and you look up at the stars, right, there's 300 billion fucking planets in our galaxy alone. and there's other galaxies and you know what I mean and they're just and even the buildings that we created and you know I mean and nature how that works the relationship I mean there's just so much to it right there's no way to comprehend it all can so you just kind of look at life as a mystery and I think that's what the whole point is is to be in awe of it I've been all of it all yeah and I'm in it I'm alive and I'm you know what I'm a part of it in some weird way that's it

You just have to know you're a part of it. And I remember a buddy mine once said, I go, how are you doing today, buddy? And he says, it's great to be alive. And that's, all you got to do is you got to be in the pudding and just be ready when the zombies come. That's right. That's right.

On that note, ladies and gentlemen, I think we got to a good place. Bobby, can you plug anything you got before you go? Oh, shit. What do you want to tell the folks? Shit, dog. Well, I'm on Tiger Belly, bad friends, of my two podcasts

and we'd love to get you on bad friends eventually. Oh, I'd love it, yeah. And also, I guess in August I'm on a show called Reservation Dogs. It's on FX, so check that out. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. But how do they find your podcast and everything? Just on YouTube and stuff and all that?

Yeah.