The Harland Highway - NICK MULLEN and his insane health problems. Foamy wee we compacted by possible brain cancer.

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

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you're riding down the harland highway all right hold tight on the harland highway show and then i got to figure out what the hell i'm doing i guess well you're here on the harland highway my guy how about this uh ladies and gentlemen we got nick here on the harland highway today hello everybody hello and uh bro welcome thank you thanks for having dude thank you for having me have you yeah yeah am i allowed to say that of course am i allowed to say thank you for having you have me have you or is that too confusing that's too confusing i think i think it's just thanks for coming thanks for being here okay i think you started with that and then i said thanks for having me and then i sort of fouled it up i got too wordy i think there's like

you know fault it needs to be assigned here i feel like i got real wordy though when i both grateful and that's good enough. Yeah, we're grateful to be alive. I'm grateful to have you here. Let me put it this way. I'm grateful that you're... I'm grateful to you. I hope I don't get brain cancer or something.

Right. Yeah, you know. Have you ever had it? It looked like you might have. No, man. But, you know, I think, wow, I'm happy to be alive. And then I'm like, yeah, like, brain cancer. I probably have that.

You might, I think the way, just the way, I look at you and I think maybe you might. I used to never worry, well, I would always worry of, like, if I get any cancer, I hope it's not brain cancer. But I just use the bathroom. And my piss was very foamy. Oh, wow. And so now I'm thinking my kidneys don't work.

And I'm like, I just wish I had brain cancer. I wish you did too. I don't want it. I would just take my brain, leave my piss alone. But can I be the armchair doctor here for a minute? Sure. I think you've got Orange Julius disease. But I don't have an armchair problem.

It's my kidneys. Oh, but you did say you had a layer of foam on your big layer of foam, which for years I thought that was normal. No. and uh dude yeah you've got orange julius disease well really have you ever been to a food i worked i worked at orange julius in the orange yeah it's the only place you go and you're working a fruit yeah is that not doesn't isn't there isn't there's a certain degree of foam that's supposed to be there yeah there's like orange julius it's like no i mean it's in urine it's supposed to be

not the way you described it you sounded like i was having a guinness in an irish pub not a guinness head on it i mean it's not what it sounded like but there was a decent amount i mean i could see through it, but some bubbles. How much bubbles? I sound like you're pissing black and tans in there, mate. No, no, no, no. The color is fine. You got a black and tan for me, mate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to zip your pants and do me a black and tan then, eh? How on at the pub? Yeah. Tooly. Okay. Give me a black and tan there, lad. But I was, I thought you'd be like, oh, don't worry about that.

Everybody's got foamy piss. Dude, don't worry about your foamy piss. You've got brain cancer. I'm hoping. Focus on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, welcome to the show, my guy. Thank you.

I got to ask it because I have 15, 16, OAs. I am not gay. I'm not. Well, come on. All right. Are you or aren't you? I'm not. I just, I got brain cancer.

That's the only thing. There's brain cancer gays guy. Yeah. That would suck. Can you imagine that being gay and then you get brain cancer on top of it? A ganser. Yeah. A ganser.

A private cancer. Cancer for money. I'm your private. Ganser just drops. But no, I got to ask, because I got about 18 or 19 viewers. And by the way, just so you know, Nick, this is a global podcast. This goes out. Shout out Saudi Arabia.

Saudi Arabia. Djibout. Djibouti. Yeah. And his first name, shake. Any other? You don't know shake your booty? I do.

Yeah. Yeah. But, dude, any country you want to give a shout out to, we probably have. have at least a listener in it. So if you have any others besides... I think I did. Saudi Arabia, yeah, and Djibouti. That's it?

You just one country? Those are two. Those are two separate countries. Wait, what's the second one? Jibouti. Jibouti, that's a country? It is, yeah. Come on now, guy.

Yeah. How do you not know that one? I don't know Jim. Those are the two you learn in school as a kid. Uruguay and Djibouti. Those are the funny ones. And then, of course, Nigeria, and the Nigeria where they weren't even trying to hide the word.

What, Uruguay? Uh-huh. Yeah, you're a gay. What about the... Paraguay. What if they separated? It was Uruguay and Uruguay if you have brain cancer. Yeah.

Sort of like east and west Germany. Maybe I'll move there and I'll feel more comfortable. Is there a foamy piss country I can move to or they're like, don't worry about it? You've never been to Orange Julius, New Mexico? I don't know. But now I'm thinking about that piss I just took. I was a little worried about it. I was like, you know what?

I'm just practicing being vulnerable. So I said, I'd say that and I was hoping everybody, I'd hear, from the other room, someone's shouting, don't worry about it. Everybody has foamy piss. All you hear from the other room is like, hey, mate, you got a blot and tan for me in the toilet bowl, eh? You've got to make me a fresh blot and tan there, mate. That's, I think about that, because they do have socialized health care in the UK.

In the UK, that's good. It's good that they have that. Oh, you like that. Well, yeah, you know, you don't have to pay to go to the doctor. I think that's the way it should be. Oh, you pay all right. But then the tradeoff is, is you have to listen to a guy being like, yeah, you go brain cancer. Yeah, you don't want to hear about it.

That's not the way you want to find it. You don't want to hear about an ailment with a British accent. No, no, no. Look, you got leukemia. Yeah, right. You got lethal leukemia. Yeah. You got ovarian cancer, love.

Yeah. I hate to tell you, you got anal ringworm, love. Uh-huh. I mean, yeah. Anal ringworm, that's probably fine. That's fine. A couple, I don't mind a British person telling me that. Yeah.

Oh, you got, I look, Nick. I've got the results about it. you got anal ringworms how you feel in love i feel pretty bad i feel pretty bad doc but you seem a little appy am i well when i told you i guess i can go to a therapist for free and find out here in the uk yeah do you do therapy no but if i was in the u.k would it's free is it really yeah oh you don't even if i felt fine i had nothing to do on a tuesday afternoon i look at my free therapy do you even want a british therapist though look net tell me about your father no they probably don't to do that a British therapist will just be like just cheer up you know show us your teeth yeah it's

like I was molested they're like just don't think about it yeah yeah it's all right go fly a kite right exactly and maybe that's what I need how about a cup are you want cup of tea I need somebody to tell me to stop worrying about your kidneys you know yeah yeah um but where I was going with us my lead question and they're important uh have you been out um trapping beaver muskrat or hunting elk No. So what I did is I had to go to a lunch yesterday, and I realized I had, well, the hat, it was a gift. But the rest of the clothes, they were the cheapest items at Costco. Oh, wow. I stopped at Costco because I didn't bring, I didn't bring, I packed last minute, and so I have five pairs of shorts and socks in those shirts.

Because you're in L.A. You thought it was sunny here all the time. Yeah, exactly. And now you're in the L.A. sort of chilly January weather. Yeah, it's bullshit. I don't know. It's six degrees in New York, and I know how to dress for that, but not. this. Hey gang, when was the last time you needed to go see a doctor, right? But you just pushed it off. You're like, nah, I'm okay. I can do it. It'll heal on its own. That third leg growing out of my spine. I can cut it off with my office scissors. I don't need help. I'm too busy. I think we've all done it, right? Or you've just gone to see a primary care doctor and it's a literal six-month wait to get in for a visitor. You have to drive nine hours just to go to that one specialist in your insurance network. What a pain. So here we go. Zoc Doc is a free app and website

where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click instantly to book an appointment. I mean, this is the service that you want to use. What a time saver, what a stress reliever. I got to tell next time I'm going to need a doc, I'm going to, I'm going to Zock Dock it. I'm going to Zock Dock it all day long and all night long. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zottdoc.com slash Harland to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C-com slash Harland. Zocdoch.com slash

Harland. Get healthy. Do it the easy way, the fast way. Zocdoch. Dot com. I feel better already. But what kind of furzeck?

Because I'm a nature guy. I have no idea. Can I guess? Is it real or it looks? Sure. I don't have the answer, but you can guess. Can I touch it?

Because I can determine if it's, oh, you didn't. I'm okay. Oh, yeah, that's synthetic. No, I think it's real. I don't think so. I think it's real.

Well, you would know. You're from Canada. No, that's synthetic fur. It looks real, but it's synthetic. It's supposed to be. It looks like it could be like fox or, yeah. Outer, it says outer B515. Oh, then it's alien skin.

Yeah, right. That's like a Martian. No, it is fur. This is fur. 80-20 oh it's acrylic and nylon yeah I know I know my hides guy well you can tell by the texture feel it when you when you I've never had anything that's actually fur I feel feel your run your fingers through it my girlfriend got me this because I was I had a while I was wearing uh I had a hat from a costume shop to look like this oh I got a fake pilot had to dress as a

a hot air bullet pilot. Oh, wow. I just kept a hat because it was nice, but it was fake. It was a child's costume. Yeah. So she said, you got to stop wearing that around.

It's a Halloween costume. So she got me a, a new Halloween hat. Are you going to be mad at her now that you know I've busted her? No, no. In fact, I hope she doesn't hear that.

I'm going to continue pretending. I think it's real. You could use it against her in your next fight. No. Like she's like, oh, you cheated on me, but oh, yeah, well,

you got me fake Fox for her. That's not how it works. She would say, you're cheating on me. And I say, I have brain cancer and I'm dying of kidney failure. Yeah. And you're pissing orange Julius. Yeah. Is that really not normal?

Sometimes. Maybe the first, first piss in the morning is supposed to be. Is it super thick? It's not thick. It's just very bubbly. It's very bubbly. Hmm. I don't think that's normal.

Damn. And you know what it is? And I, again, I'm not a doctor. Mm-hmm. I think you've been breathing too much. Oh, okay. Because, you know, the bubbles represent oxygen bubbles. Are you being real?

Is that not normal? Yeah. So you've got to maybe cut your breathing enough. What's your piss look like? Mine's got a real mountain dew kind of hue to it. Okay, but it's not, it's not, it's no foam at all? Not at all. It's more like carbonated.

Like if you shake the toilet, it'll foam up. Mm-hmm. But mine's a real, I'm just pissing too hard and it's creating foam. Yeah, but I really think maybe you're breathing too much. Have you thought about maybe doing breath, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold. I'm going to drink a bunch of water while we do this. And when we finish, I'm going to piss slower. I'm going to pinch it off or get really close to the bowl.

I'll put my penis in the water. Put the penis in the water like lowering an outboard motor into the lake. And then piss into the water. And then if foam comes up off top, then it's, I'm fucked. I'll go right over to. Dude, you're halfway to being a fish tank. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you put some guppies in your toilet and lay down.

the hot dog right into the water and start blasting. I might have to go see a nephrologist. My great, great... A what a phalloph, what? Nephrologist. What's that? It's like a woman that does, like, a hair for black women. A nerphologist?

Nephrologist, yeah. Does hair for black women? Yeah, she's like a, they're like a stylist for natural hair. I've never heard that. Yeah, but they do kidneys also. Holy smoke. So they do kidneys and black women's hair. They do, yeah.

I love a good combo. That's like the new surfing turf. Mm-hmm. Yeah, my great-great-grandfather died of Bright's disease. What? Which is a type of kidney disease. And I found that out, like a year ago. And I've been thinking about it nonstop.

The only cure for that is to get stupid. Well, no, he just died at 38. Oh. I always say if you're too bright, just dim it down a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boom. You live longer. I think he tried that, but no, he just expired. Wow. Expired.

That's such a hard word. Expired. That's like milk. Yeah. Or butter or cottage cheese. Right. Or a glass blower from Philadelphia. Say what, hey, now?

That's what he was. He was a glass blower? He was a glass blower? Oh, fuck. How many did he must have cut his lips a lot? Yeah, maybe he was breathing too much. Maybe you're right. Maybe that's what it was.

How was his piss? All of his blowing. Did you ever see a grand... Like, do you ever hold your grandfather's wiener while he was pinging go? No, grandpa, your foam is ridiculous. This guy died in like 1910. It was a pioneer? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. Wow. What did he do for a living? He was a glass blower. Yeah, he worked in a glass house. Huh.

Have you ever blown glass? Never. It seems scary. It seems like a bad idea. What have you blown, Nick? Nothing. Yeah. I don't think I've ever blown anything.

Maybe a recorder. You want to blow the plastic? Yeah, sure. I'll try. I mean, you're here. You might as well try. Does this work with plastic? It doesn't.

It doesn't work. You need a glass bottle. no yeah um have you ever done any trapping though because i love by the way i love the hat i live for that hat that seems like a cheap way to go hunting setting a trap yeah you know you got to shoot them with a gun or a bone arrow i think you can't just set a trap yeah that's basically going to the grocery store but for beaver yeah you can't easily shoot them because they're most of their life's underwater. Oh, okay.

So you know they trap beavers, right? Beavers are cool. They are? Yeah. Have you had an experience with a beaver? Because they got big yellow teeth. Right. They'll chomp you, real good guy.

Will they? Oh, they will. Is this like a, it's a Canadian thing? You know all this from, you know? I know stuffs. I know stuffs that others don't know stuffs. Have you ever run a running with a beaver? No.

I had a groundhog bark at me one time. Bark? Yeah, it bucked at me. I saw a guy was walking along the road and there was a groundhog and I was like, oh, what is that? Like a little cat thing. I tried to pet it. Ooh.

And I got close to it and it, you know, Oh, wow. This little guy. It did a like a mock charge. Yeah, it scared me and I ran away. And then I thought like, why can't I be like that, you know? Yeah. I'm a million times bigger than this thing.

Yeah. It doesn't care at all. And I go through my life terrified of everything. Were you wearing that hat when it charged you? No, no, no. This hat's new. I've only had this couple weeks. Because it might have been lining your head up for an assault.

Yeah, this was a Christmas present. I love it, dude. Yeah. I love skinned animal meat on a human head. Mm-hmm. Oh. Have you trapped? Have you done any trapping?

I haven't trapped, but I have a funny beaver story if you want to hear it. I do, yeah. Do you like a good funny beaver story? Everybody loves a funny beaver story. Look, I look at you and I can't get a... James Bond. James Bond loves funny beavers story, Moneypenny. Oh, turn me a funny beaver story, Moneypenny.

It's very funny that he got Alzheimer's. He did? He did, yeah. Wait, which one? There was like 20 James Bond. Sean Connery. There was only seven. I think maybe you have Alzheimer's.

There wasn't 20 of them. Is Sean Connery, Roger Moore. Right. Timothy Dalton, George Lazenby. Corey Feldman. Corey, Harry Feldman. Maybe you have all slimers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, he had James Bond? Yeah, Sean Connery. That's the worst guy because that's the all. Only movie character where people always go in every movie, what's your name? Right. Oh, Bond, James Bond. Well, it'd probably be good for a spy to have Alzheimer's, right? Yeah.

Get caught. They'll be the best asset. Who do you work for? And they're like, who do you work for? I don't know. Oh, good. That's the number one symptom of Alzheimer's. What?

It's saying, oh, good. It is? They do that, yeah. For reals? Yeah. Oh, good. They go, oh, good. Because they pretend.

You know, they have to pretend like everything. Can you imagine what that's like? You just don't know what the fuck's going on. You're like, I've got to keep it together. I got to make sure nobody knows that I got fucking no idea what's going on. But do they even have the mental capacity to know to fake it? I think so. Yeah, you see them do that.

I wonder if, yeah, like James Bund. What's your name? Gump. Yeah. Forish to Gump. Corey Feldman. Corey Feldman. Yeah.

Summage. Suzanne Schummage. Michael. George Michael. Did he have, did George Michael have Alzheimer's? I think he had all-time biggest hit. It was AIDS. He had the all-time biggest hit for a Christmas song.

I confused that AIDS in Alzheimer's. I don't think he had AIDS. Did he have AIDS? I can't imagine he didn't. Well, I didn't think last Christmas I gave you my. heart the very next day you gave me eight yeah oh he did he did yeah oh my god but that could have just been a little it could have been it could have just been a lyric you don't know if that was you know it could be artistic artistic as they always say there's certain truth in artist words

last christmas i gave you my heart the very next day i gave you age this year to save me from fear I'll give it to someone special. That's how I got passed around so much back in that decade. That's wonderful. Is that one song? People are like, yeah, it's Christmas. By the way, your flaps are somehow, like, I can fix them.

No, no, they're good, but they're sort of mysteriously, like, going out without you even touching them. They're retreating from my damaged kidneys. They're just like, yeah. They say, we've got to get out of here. This guy's dying. Oh, wow. Now, oh, oh, look at that. You can pin the ears.

I wish Basset hounds. had that feature. Yeah. You ever seen a bass and how in those ears? They trip over their own ears. I had one. I would just tuck it into its pussy.

Oh, wow. Yeah, you just pull it back and then it looks like a regular dog. I got tired of people on the street being like, what the fuck is wrong with your dog's ears?

Yeah. Yeah. So you pull their ears back and you just stuff them into the dog's pussy. And then people are like, wow, is that a Wymeriner? And I'm like,

yeah. Or is that a yearos? Yeah. Holy God. That's a lot of meat. Yeah, it's a whimeriner. Wow.

That's a pussy. see a rhymer sounds like see now you look like a beautiful russian model thank you like i'm feeling some real dr chavago vibes right now good maybe i should see him about my kidneys see him about your kidney yeah and your brain cancer mm-hmm your bc yeah do you do that do you worry about your health yeah i think we all do yeah like you just you you know when my eyes you got glasses how long you've been wearing them? 17 years. Okay, so mine...

For today, you mean? A couple hours. A couple hours, yeah. But when my eyes went for the first time, like I have to wear these suckers to read up clothes. Yeah. But that didn't happen until about 10 years ago. Yeah.

And so that was a real awake because I've never had any health issues, but then one day my eyes went blur and I went, oh, if the eyes can go, then the kidney could go, then the liver could go. And that's when the wheels started going, e we got uh we don't have all the time in the world here i have this thing now where if i lean over my vision goes blurry in this eye i don't know what that is what the hell really yeah yeah yeah so let's see do it i don't want to it scared me so much that i'll never do it really yeah i'll never

lean over so if you lean like down towards this table i was sitting in a sauna i think that did it too but i leaned over i folded myself over to stretch my back out because my back hurt and then i'm looking at the ground and i'm like oh wow yeah and it's all blurry in this side and then i go back up and it kind of went back to normal i leaned over again and happened again lean just a little bit for me how many fingers am i holding up five it's not it's only when i'm like you know i think i have to be in the side i think i'm fine i'm probably fine how's your piss i'll see i'm gonna i'm gonna down i'm gonna drink i'm gonna see how many evions do you want another one maybe you need another one guy grab another one because when you get back i got a great

beaver story for you my guy okay you can start it i can hear you it's well that would be rude i'm not gonna to do that. I'm not going to tell a giant yellow tooth rodent story and you're not even in your seat. That's just not respectable. I'm back in. I'm back in. Shiver me timbers. What is that? Izzy? Is he? Yeah. Is that a sponsor? You just like that? No, just love it. Love the

flavor of artificial blackberry drizzling down my esophagus. It's not fair. I don't drink that shit. I drink water and then I'm the one sitting here needing a kidney transplant. Yeah, you're drinking water and you're the one with the orange julius piss. I say, do you have medical problems? You say I need reading. glasses.

Yeah. I don't got the BC, if that's what you're asking. What's BC? Brain cancer guy. Oh, okay. I'm just trying to give it a cute name. Is that what it stands for? I'm trying to give it.

In Canada, British Columbia. Oh. Yeah, we don't have a province called brain cancer. But on the east coast, we have little leukemia, which is just right under there beneath Nova Scotia. I think Nova Scotia is actually, it's the name for like a spot on your liver. Oh, really? Yeah.

You've got a little Nova Scotia on your liver love. And when it gets real. bad, they can smell it on your breath. That's what Halifax is. Are you a bad breath guy in the morning? No, no, no, no. I used to be, but then I started brushing my teeth. Did your girlfriend ever go like, dude, the morning breath? Are you like kind of okay? You don't wake up with, yeah, I don't think. You don't have mung mouth? No, no, no, no. I mean, I brush my teeth at night. I brush floss. You know what I did in the morning? I would just drink, swig a can of Coke because it just eats all that mung in your mouth.

But now I've quit drinking cokes and I'm just like, oh, I walk around. like a human onion in the morning. Really, it's bad. Oh, I could melt a butter carving off the back of Fabio's green fucking ass cheap. I guess I have that in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the one column. I don't have bad breath. I would imagine if my kidneys were failing, my, my breath would be bad.

Yeah, your breath would be like, because you'd build up, you'd build up, uh, is that, does he have a lit? Dracula, vampires have clits. That might be nosferatu. That might be a subtle difference between the, the two of them. Did you see the movie, by the way? I did. Yeah.

Not a fan. You didn't like it? I respected the artistry, the cinematography. But at the end of the day, it was like some girl having hallucinations about a vampire who didn't fly to her. He took a boat for some reason. He's a fucking bat. You could have just flown, Nosto.

Yeah. He shows up, sucks her chest. Yeah. Like, totally they got the anatomy wrong for the vampire. It's supposed to be here. They go, oh, well, he goes to the heart. Well, guess what? There's a giant breastplate there that canine teeth on humans cannot penetrate.

But if you go for the jugular, it's pumping most of the blood in your body. It's a huge artery. Get to sucking in the right place, Nosto, get to DeVry, take an anatomy class, suck where you're supposed to suck. Or I'm going to push you into the fucking confessional booth where you can do a priest suck. He's doing like a small plate thing. What do you mean? Like a Greek dinner? Yeah, you use smaller plates, so you have smaller portions.

It's for like losing weight, I guess. But think about it. I'll be honest with you. I mean, I like Bill Scarsgar, but he was looking at. a little pudgy in that movie. Well, not only that, what's with the vampire with the big Tom Selleck mustache? Yeah.

Here I am. I want to see a vampire movie. Someone probably told him it looks slimming. You know, he showed up and he's just in terrible shape. It looked horrible. It's like all of a sudden, you know, Magnum P.I. emerges from the shadows with his homeless mustache.

And I'm like, hey, don't bite me, Freddie Mercury. Yeah. Come on. He did have a very Tom of Finland kind of look. Yeah. Who wants a vampire with a mustache? Yeah. Good Lord. And they edited it out as motorcycle and his chaps and stuff.

His red Ferrari. That was probably a good idea to get rid of it. Magnum. Would you please come and suck on my chest? Magnum. Remember you have that little British? Yeah. Did they bring that back, Magnum P.I?

I can't. I'd be surprised it. It's crazy. Why can't you laugh longer? What is going on in you? I'm literally thinking that there's something wrong with my kidneys. Well, dude. I did.

We clearly, I could see. it in your eyes you wanted to laugh longer? I did. Would you please? And you stopped yourself, Nick. I'm genuine. You got to let it go, God. I'm genuinely worried.

I am that neurotic. The kidneys. I'm serious. I took a piss. I took a pit. Well, I also got blood work done last week and they said, you got to come back and do it again.

What? Yeah. So I was like thinking about that. Ooh. I took a foamy piss. Yeah. Oh, that's not good. What if,

wait a minute, let me stop you, my guy. Yeah. What if foamy is the healthiest thing? So you immediately went negative. Yeah. What if foamy means you're going to live longer than a Galapagos tortoise, sucking cucumbers on Bermuda?

Well, I already read that it's not. I read that it's bad. So I've got a catastrophe going on in my mind. I'm sorry, I should have laughed because that's what will save me. At the end of the day, once I finally get the diagnosis, then I'll sit down and I'll watch the, you know, I'll watch podcast. And I'll be like, oh, now I can laugh again. I'm finally free to die. Oh.

You know what I mean? Wait, how old are you? 36. You're not dying yet. I know. I'm not even going to allow it. See, what I do with my guess, I send energy to people. Good.

Well, then send me good kidney energy. You're getting good kidney energy. Is there any? You scared me. I'd be honest with you scared me. I said, well, I'm worried about my piss. And then you said, that's not normal. I'm like, oh, no.

Well, let me ask you this. Yeah. Is there any history of kidney disease in your family? I told you, my great, great, great, great, great grandfather died of Bryce disease. He did blow glass. I mean, dude. So he probably breathed in the glass fire. He had filaments all over his life.

I have no idea how they came up. He had gas. Well, then he would have been sucking glass. Yeah, not blowing glass. He was like, yeah, he would have melted his inside. My granddaddy's a glass sucker. Yeah, it was his first day of work. He kind of really blew it.

Yeah. Sucked it. Wow. Yeah. Well, okay. So, okay, maybe, wow, see, I don't want to chase that trail because then you're going to get more worried. Uh-huh.

But did your grandfather or your father have any? Everyone's been fine since then. You're all right. But, you know. Yeah. I got a physical for the first time. I haven't had a physical in like 14 years. And I've had like high blood pressure unmitigated for probably about that amount of time.

And so I was worried about it. But I went in and every time I've checked in the last, you know, like 10 years. Because it was, it got really, it was bad enough that I got sent. I went to urgent care for an eye thing. And then it was like one seven. to you over 110 and they were like you should probably go see a doctor about this. This was for the blurry thing? This was very different.

My eye was just burning one time. This was 10 years ago. Jesus. And they were like, yeah, that's really bad. You could go see a doctor. And I'm like, well, that's why you're a doctor. And you're like, yeah, but we've got to see you a doctor that does this. So, you know, yeah, I went for that and it was pretty high.

And they were like, just try to do lifestyle changes. I didn't have a GP. I just went to a cardiologist and paid out of pocket. And then I didn't really do anything about it. but, you know, I am 36. I just turned 36, and I'm like, I should start getting physicals and getting things checked out. That life's change your lifestyle is so vague.

Like, what, join a square dancing club, take volleyball lessons? Yeah, come on. Well, they said stop having unprotected rough trade gay sex. And I said, but you still do that? Well, I stopped then, you know, I said fine. Now, because it's, it's rough trade sex. Do you do that down at the loading docks at the harbor or where? At the Buffalo Exchange.

Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Well, let's not get too paranoid about the health. Okay. What will raise your blood pressure is if you start overthinking it. I think that's all it was. I think honestly, genuinely, I go to the doctor and then I'm like, oh, they're going to tell me I'm fucking dying and then they put the cuff on. I'm like, here it comes. And then they're like, yeah, that's pretty bad. Well, you're in the age bracket, Nick, where you're very healthy in your 30s. That's like a great window. Well, I bet a couple of friends die of brain cancer in their thing. 30s. So, you know, I would say, yeah, right.

It's a shitty time zone to be in, dude. The best is probably 80 to 90. It's been nice knowing is what I really want. 85 to 95. I think that's the window. If you make it that far, you're in the clear for. There's that guy at my window again. Yeah, Dick Van Dyke. Me and Dick Van Dyke have the same birthday.

Every year I check in, I see what Dick Van Dyke's up to. Can I answer the way I think anyone would answer? Yes. da-na-da-da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-that's the Dick Van Dyke theme song, my guy. He still, like, dances and sings every morning he wakes up and he does, you know, he does a H-M-S-Penophore. He does the whole thing. Oh, yeah. I hear he bends over and sniffs the back of his own nutbag.

Yeah, he still has that flexibility. Yeah, but I just heard that. It's not like I'm peeking in his window. It is fine. I do check up on him. every year and this year he's like i wake up and i do my exercises that's how i stay in this is a video i'm doing crunches and shit was that his voice what was that well he's 95 he's like he's like do my exercises like a mumb like a mumbler right yeah they're like wow he's doing so well he's like

thanks i'd like a dick van dake skin hat now that i'm looking at yours hey everybody check out my merchandise at harbling dot com yeah most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear I'm loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check you. out the whole catalog we got hoodies we got coffee mugs we got t-shirts you name it it's there at harbling.com get your harland original design wearable art at harbling.com today and thank you

for your support and I'll just keep the the groovy images coming by the way I got a new car I got a actually it's an ikey it's made out of wood and uh there's a bunk bed on the roof not a luggage rack it's unbelievable but anyways uh beaver story yes let's hear the beaver story and then we got to get into the we got to start the show this has just been like surface table talk well we got to get we got to get my health anxiety out the window yeah this is like ladies tea room chit-chat uh-huh this is like get to know you chit-chat titter tuttut tittle tuttut dut to fiddly nut okay but we're going to start the show right after a beaver story let's hear the beaver story so daddy used to work up north and where is up north in canada isn't the whole fucking thing up north yeah anything sort of a hundred

miles north of the american border is considered up north i was in i was in uh northern minnesota like three weeks ago and it's like this is i mean this isn't even civilization and then it's like there's a whole other country do you remember what what town you're near? Grand Rapids. Okay. Yeah. Or Grand Rapid?

Mm-hmm. Grand Rapid, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I worked up around the northern border of Minnesota in a place called Fort Francis and International Falls was right on the border. It's weird that they would have military. They have forts out. I guess it's to kill Native Americans. Really, it's not even our military.

It's kids in a cardboard box. Oh, okay. Yeah, they built a fort. So you can kind of just drive through. it if you want. Mattresses and pillows and stuff like an old refrigerator box. Were you a fort builder as a kid? A Ford builder?

Fort. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I loved me a fort. Yeah. I actually would make a cardboard box forts. But then one day daddy took me to the lumberyard. I said, I want to make a fortified fort like in case we got engines or we got Nazis or

we got, who knows what's coming over the head. Nazi engines. You probably didn't see that one coming. Didn't see that one coming. That could happen at any moment. What would be the reaction if Native Americans, they crawled out of the Grand Canyon and they're covered in swastikas. Wow.

Do you think we would abide by that? I would at least call them grand Nazis because they came out of the Grand Canyon. I'd at least give them that, like a title, but outside of that. I'd say we'd call this guy really crazy horse. Yeah. Or Alzheimer's horse. Yeah. But you know, the problem of having.

a military strategy coming from the belly of the Grand Canyon is you don't really need guns. They crawl all the way up and you just go push. You push them back down. And they just keep going back down. You don't even really have to expend much energy. Yeah. They climb up. They're like, Hile something.

We're the Grand Canyon Nazis. Flick. Gone. And they're back down there doing their rain dances. Speaking of Native Americans, do you want to hear a beaver story? I do. on this beaver store. Okay.

Well, so you daddy used to work up north and had a lot of exposure to beavers. So many a beaver in my day. And one day, Daddy was walking down a trail through the bush. And beavers, as you know, they come up out of the swamp or the lake or the river, wherever they're messing around. And they do mess around, my guy. They have a lodge. And they come up and they chew the trees. They chew through them.

and beavers, they have this instinct where when they're chewing, they'll chew, and it's a little, I was like, you know, they're chewing raw wood, they stop and they actually listen for the creaking. Yeah, you can play those sounds. You can? They respond, like, you can play the sound of running water to calm a beaver down if it's in, like, captivity, I think. Are you serial right now?

Yeah, I watched a documentary about beavers, and they covered all that. Holy slit hairs. Yeah. That's like pornography to them is the sound of, of, well, actually, you know what? It gives them a lot of anxiety. I'm sorry, it's the opposite. Yeah. Because they build dams.

So if they hear running water, they're like, what the fuck is wrong with the dam? Oh, the dam's breaking. The dam's breaking. And so you can drive them crazy. You're right. When you're right, you're right, guy. Yeah. And I'm not going to argue with a beaver story with a guy who's wearing one on his head.

Yeah. So anyway, so what happened? So I'm walking on the trail and we see the tree with the beaver chewing. has fallen over flat, and under the tree is the, everything but the head sticking out on the ground. Like Wizard of Oz. The beaver dropped the tree on its own head. So it was just like the most comedic thing. Well, how do you know that wasn't like a raccoon and the tail was just flattened? Because the head was the only part under the tree. But the tree could have rolled. That could have just been a raccoon that now looks like a beaver because it's flat. I think what's happening here is someone's trying to

take my magnificent beaver story and embellish it and make it their own. I'm offering a hypothesis. Yeah, but it feels like someone's trying to steal my beaver limelight. That's what I'm feeling. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have worn the hat. Maybe that's why I got foamy pissed. You deserve it.

He said you're coming in here. This is a Canadian person's house and you're going to wear that hat. This would be like if I, you know, I came in here in blackface and you were, well, your name would have you ever done it, blackface? You look like him out. probably still be Harlan Williams, I'd imagine if you're a black guy. But, yeah, it's a very, people think it's a black name. Yeah, Harland Williams.

Yeah. I've had that before. I've had people meet me and go, oh, I thought you were a black guy. Right, yeah. And I go, no, Harlan Williams is a honky. I thought you were a janitor for an elementary school. I'm a Jive Honky, bro. Cloud Jive Honky.

Yeah. Or honky jive. You can switch those two. Yeah. Have you done Blackface? Let me think. I have. I've tried it out.

When and where? In my apartment one time years ago. I didn't do black face, but I did ass face. And it's, well, what you do is there's this cosmetic procedure where you can get the fat from your ass injected into your face to, you know, it's like Botox. But I guess I overdid it. And everyone in my neighborhood just called me ass face. Well, if you're going to laugh. Yeah.

So let's start the show. Okay. Here we go. Folks, I got Nick here with me. Thanks for having me. Dude, thanks for coming. What a treat. Thanks for allowing me to come to have me.

There's no allowing. It's a destiny. The forces aligned in the universe to have you here. There was no allowing. There's no permission. Thank you, universe for bringing us together. Thanks to the troops and the force. The forces.

Um, you are a cat that has your finger on, the pulse of social issues. You, you somehow, you, when I look at your stuff, when I see your comedy. I thought this was a thought experiment. So I was sitting here imagining myself as a cat. Oh, wow. Okay, so you're a cat.

You're halfway there. Yeah. You're a cat and you have your finger on the pulse. I was imagining a cat and it's got his finger. Oh. No, so you're just a scratch. Okay, yeah, sorry. You are really overthinking it just like your health.

I know, yeah. You're going too deep. I am, yeah. but what's the greatest hot lick like what's the greatest probably pussy if i had to say you know something i say pussy probably that's got you lick or bite oh shay i bite i bite you throw a bite in there you throw a bite mix it up little something something surfing turf yeah i put on my my gary busy teeth oh wow a chomp oh nice amazing Yeah.

Gary Bucci, Teep. Wasn't it so cool when those came out? Mm-hmm. Because those are new. Those only, we've only had those

since like 2005. Maybe you have. Well, you know, in a store where you can get the, you have the mold in the way and put them on.

Can you imagine doing some kandolingish on a woman with these? Well, I have, I have huge, like,

fake Chinese ones that I got. You do Chinese kundalongas? I do Chinese kandolingas. What number? Uh, what do a number? Well,

it's like the menu. They got dinner number. seven. Oh, oh, okay. What number conalinguists do you do with your Chinese teeth? I don't know. Number five, poop, oh, that's a good one.

Number stinky poohoo, you know. Side, side order of crab wontas. Yeah, real sideways order. So my guy, what's the latest hot lick? Like, you know, what's the latest thing grinding your gears in society?

What's the latest thing, like winding you up like a Chinese pepper corn on a Thursday night at a Bakersfield barn dance? Well, you know, I wait, like everybody else, I wake up and I look at my phone and I say, what am I going to get pissed off about today? Yeah, what is it? What am I going to start a fight with my family about?

What's the latest hot lick guy? I tried. I texted everyone about the Gulf of Mexico thing. Nobody's biting. What do you got on it? Let's hear. They changed the name. Yeah.

Golf of America. Right. That's not enough for me. What do you want? Golf of white America. Mm. You know, if we're really going to do this, then let's be clear here. Oh, I see.

Just, this is, now it's what? The Gulf of, is Barack Obama included in that America? I don't think he did none of the work. Yeah. Golf of mixed America? No. Golf of. Just white.

It should be the Gulf of Nazi Germany, I would say. Could I say golf of honky America? That's good. Because I'm a jive honky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about golf of jive honky America? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're against it, though?

You're against the name change or you're for it? I don't actually give the shit. I think it's superficial and it doesn't. You don't give a shit. I'm going to keep saying Gulf of Mexico because then people will know what I'm talking about. Right. You know, who's sitting around waiting?

There are people that are waiting to just bust out Gulf of America casually. They're like, if I could just, like maybe they fantasize, they say maybe somebody will ask me for directions and I'll be in Alabama and I'll say, okay, well, oh, you need to get to the Starbucks?

You'll take, you'll take, Interstate 10 towards the Gulf of America. And then they'll give it, you know, they're liberal. So they're going to be like, how dare you say that? And then I'll kill them. I'll fucking shoot him with my gun. Murder. Yeah, murder, yeah.

Over a name. I would imagine. Of a golf. There's people, yeah, fantasizing about that happening. Murder someone over a body of water. Uh-huh. Well, it's a pretty big body of water. It is a big body of water.

It also doesn't, it's not a good body of water. It makes hurricanes and it's filled with oil. You know what I mean? It's not, it's bad. What about the fish, though? The fish are covered. They're slick. They're covered in oil.

You can't eat them. They're all covered in, oh, yeah. They're doing blackface. They are. Oh, God. Yeah, so the fish are too racist to eat now. So we've got blackface fish in the Gulf of white America. You see that documentary?

That's an oxy conundrum. Blackface fish. Did you see that? Oh, about the killer whales? About the killer whales. Yeah. In Sea World, they paint them black. Can I just make a.

comment. I don't want to interject while you're getting to your hot lick over here. Okay. Yeah. Hotly. But, but I'm going to say it, Nick, you sign up to go to SeaWorld and work with the killer whales. You're signing up for a job where the word killer is in it. Okay. Then they send you to the dressing room. They put you in a black wet suit. You get in the water, you look like a shiny Christmas candy or a licorice whip. Yeah. Now you're looking like a treat. yeah you jump into the water with the killer who by the way weighs more than a jumbo jet yeah he's got 900 teeth that could chop through dolly parton's fucking roller coaster at dollywood yeah you sign up yeah let's jump in the water with the killer whale and let's have a nice long happy career uh that's

like uh you know being a knife sharpener at o j's house yeah right it is it ain't gonna go well guy But he didn't, O.J. didn't kill the knife sharpener. He probably thanked him. You're right. Shit. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean. Yeah.

It's feeling embarrassed, humbled, humiliated. Yeah, well, I mean, I get... Objectified and maybe fondled. Objectified. Like, you fondled me, guy. Yeah, okay. Well, I mean, I know it was a mental thing you just did, but I feel physically like you... I feel like it was touched by an anal.

What was that show about? I think it was about people putting their... fingers and assholes touched by an anal or was it a priest who like to rub his calamari ring on children I think if I really source

where the fears about brain cancer any of that stuff comes from well if I have to well no because I have to because I think I'm probably fine I hope I'm fine I hope I'm okay

we don't know we've got turned sideways for a second yeah you're fine yeah you're great we've got we've got health scare going on right now I do well yeah so I can either Sit here and be anxious so I can take the responsible approach, which is just, you know, cancel my trip, fly home immediately, call the doctor, scream at them, demand to go in for, you know, more testing.

And, you know, it's like, okay, well, there is an element of anxiety here. And I need to suss out what the source of that is. Yeah. If I really trace it, it's childhood. It's sitting around watching afternoon television on the weekend when touched by an angel and Dr. Quinn Medicine woman came on. Wow. And I would watch those shows and have no idea what was going on. and imagine myself sitting in a nursing home dying of something.

I'm like, that's what this television is for. It's for people that are dying and they need something positive to come out of like their shitty afternoon. Can I answer that? Yeah. Maybe someone should have slapped in the VHS of Cacoon. Cacoon. Yes. Old people in an old folks home and rejuvenating and getting new living forever.

Yeah, yeah. You said that and I thought the movie, Contact. And I'm like, that's good also. but then I'm like, what, shit? Is my parents? Who's going to sit through a movie about someone who needs, you know, things in their eyes? Yeah.

Content. Yeah. That's what it was about. It was a woman who couldn't see her father anymore. Because she needed contacts. She needed contacts. And he came back to life. Yeah.

Like two hours, I'm not going to sit through that. It's like, Daddy, where are you? Here, try some contacts. Daddy? Roll credits. Now, you can't do contacts for reading glasses, right? That's not how that works. I can.

Oh, you can. I'll do anything. Watch this. I'll put these on backwards. Watch this. I mean, I have to hold them. I have to hold them. Dad, I would be worried about what kind of long-term damage you could do to your... You're going to have to yell to me because you're about 40 miles away right now. Is that how they, can I try it? Yeah, if you could just, well, you have to yell because I just see you, I saw you go like this, but what did you say? Can I try it? What? Can I try the backwards glasses?

A little louder, please. Can I try the backwards glasses, please? Yeah. I'm going to look like I'm far away. What are these, like plus three? Well, let's not bring children into it. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. How you doing? neck it's cool yeah you got a big head and you got a big how you doing guy you got a big old noggin now i sure do how you doing guy oh well you're gone i'm doing okay i'm sorry um let's switch

to another hot lick hot lick what's the thing what's okay i'm glad you turned my own question against me burn my biscuit i the transgender bathrooms let's go yeah that's more of a that's more of a 10 years ago thing they're kind of i think we all kind of figured out how those work, right? The transgender bathroom is for taking a dump and then we keep going back to our regular bathrooms. Wait, say that again? Anytime I see an all gender restroom, I'm like, that's the one I blow up with my damaged kidneys. I shit my kidney. All my organs fall out of my body. You'd go into a transggy bathroom and all gender to drop a thunderbomber? They don't label them that way. They don't say that they're the transgender bathroom. What do they say? It's just all gender.

All gender. Okay. Okay. I went in my first one recently. This is my hot lick And I didn't know how they worked I go in and there's all genders in there And I go in and there's a woman sitting on the toilet Yeah And I'm like, what the hell do I do? And I'm thinking, well, it's all genders, everything goes

So I sort of did the math. I did the physics and she was sitting there splashing out a Newman's own lemonade I went and stood in front of her Did you get a look at her piss by chance? Can you tell me what it was? It was really foamless. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, foamless in Seattle. So I stood in front of her and I'm thinking, how does this puzzle work? How do two genders, you know, pee together? So when a woman sits, her legs are open a little bit. So while she was dropping her Newman's own, I stood in front of her, unzipped, and I was able to pee right down between

and then our two urine streams joined and we became one piss river. Yeah, very nice. And so now I'm sort of for the all-gender back. And before you were opposed to the old years? I was confused by them, but now that I know there's sort of this synchronicity. I've kind of loved it the entire time. I was in a mall one time in New Jersey.

Here we go. And there was, uh, the men's bathroom. It was open, but it had one of those, uh, they call them when it's the floor is wet. They put those things up underwater. No, you know the yellow sign. It's like caution. Oh, yeah. Flip flip a slur, flipply floor slits.

Those things don't have, there's no word for that. thing. Isn't there a diagram of a janitor like up on his back and he's about to get a lawsuit? It's caution floor wet and then in Spanish it says whatever that is in Spanish. But in Spanish it's like Pisso Mahado. Oh yeah. So when I was a kid I would see those signs and I thought it said caution the floor is wet and then in Spanish they were letting the Spanish people know by the way it's piss. And I thought that was like I didn't like that we weren't getting all the information but other people were. Have you ever sat in a swimming pool with a nice Nice pisso masado with salt around the room.

They are so refreshing. Yeah. I was in Cabo once and I had four pissomassados in one afternoon. I guess maybe that. But here's the other thing, my guy. Uh-huh. This is all part of the all-gender bathroom hot lick. Uh-huh.

Um. Why are you letting me get away with hot lick? It's the worst. Because I love it. You love it? I love hot lick. Yeah. I'm going to say it again, hot lick.

There's a clip of Stephen Seagall with his blues band. Oh, wow. And it's, I don't know, it's a promo video for their band. Is he flying or is he on the beach? He's sitting there playing the guitar with his glasses on, and then on the screen it says, big licks. Oh, wow. And Seagulls don't even have tongues as far as I know.

Hey, everybody, my brand new book, Uncle Milton, is here at last. It's a collection of strange but wonderful short. stories and you can read that along with some of my other books. I bet you didn't know that I wrote books, did you? It's a little secret I've had. We have craved with zombie stories and we have journeys, people's harrowing tales of their journeys through life. Sex, Sin, and Satan, where we explore some darker themes and don't look under the bed, some Twilight Zone Us stories for bedtime reading at Harlan Williams.com. Yeah. Why, Nick, in the name of sweet baby, Lord, holy host, son of our lamb, God, baby, Jesus.

Yeah. Why would women want to go into a confined room to hear the noises men make when they go to the bathroom? I don't even want to do it with other men. To be honest, that's half the reason I left the Adam Friedland show. He had this horrible problem of every time I would go to the bathroom, he would, he's like, oh, I'm also going to the bathroom.

There's two stalls in there, and he has to, I can't just, I go to the bathroom by myself. He would come in. And then the guy, he's very, you know, he has no, stress in his life he has no tension at all in his body including his anus oh and so having to listen to that i mean the sound like this he would just his anus would just open and you could hear tensionless anus you could you hear like steam coming out oh it sounded like you ever uh you ever like kill a plant boss in a video game and that the pieces are all drives like oh oh i was thinking

the uh that's what it sounds like i was thinking the bird and the gravel pit of with the Flintstones, da-da-da-da-a, whee! Yeah, no. Flintstones, meet the flit. No. That would be fun.

That would be a fun asshole. This is like, this is like, it's like, it's like, it's like the jungle is coming out. Oh, God. Yeah, and then he said,

and then he would talk to me through the stall. He'd say, oh, dear heart. Yeah, it's a great job today, dude. Oh, Nick. Yeah. Why, what is,

you have too much fiber? I don't know. Oh, God. What were you eating, insulation in the attic? Right. And it's like, if somebody deserves kidney disease, it's him. It's not me.

I'm a sweet, I'm too sweet. Do you want to do a chant and wish it on them right now? No, I would never do that. I'd take my hot licks. I'd take my lickings. Yeah. If I got to suffer with my kidney thing, then so be it. You're really signed off on your kidney thing.

That was a foamy piss. Okay, let's real quickly discuss. Let's say your kidneys are gone south. yeah what are the symptoms i run over it i find the child that has the matching blood type and i run over my car immediately see that's called being proactive about your health yeah why don't more people think like you yeah i would basically kid with the same blood type a matching kidney i would hire an israeli public relations firm to uh basically trend on social media that there's a new type of transgender where you'd get rid of your kidneys and then i'd create that identity and then

there would be a kidney bonanza for me. I'd keep them in the fuck. It'd be like I went to Costco. I'd have 50 of them in the freezer. Yeah. Every day, new set, and I'm blowing them out with whatever the hell I'm doing. Dude.

Yeah. Are you a drinker? No, I don't drink. Wow. I don't drink. I mean, I used to a lot, but I've been sober for a little bit, and so I don't think I deserve any consequences.

Yeah, what do we think? My past actions. Yeah, the kidney. Yeah. Thank God you got two of them. But they tend to both go. at the same time. That's the thing that's shitty. Wow, dude. Well, I hope

you're okay, man. I hope I'm okay, too. I'll have a puff. I will. Is that THC, or is that just nicotine? Yeah, yeah, it's just, you know, some sort of poison, I guess. Probably kidney killing. Hopefully not, you know, because this is the one thing I like.

This is the one thing I allow myself. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday. it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend.

It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland. Oh, sweet Nick, dear Nick. Any other health ailments going on besides the kidney? That's mainly the main thing, and it was really, really was set off by the phone. Because you know how sometimes you go, yeah, you go to like a truck stop or something

and you use a urinal after somebody and it's like, you know, it's like, it's all foam. Yeah. Like, oh, that guy has no idea. Yeah. There's some poor bastard out there has no idea that he's got seconds to live. Wow. Because of the foam. Because of the foam.

what did you drink this morning that might help resolve not i have not had a lot of protein which i imagine would be what does that did you drink any orange juice apple juice no no orange juice a couple of coffees from what country not columbia anymore didn't we just ban maybe formula or something yeah formula it's in south america fomosa did you go back to colin tai Taiwan then Say what now? Formosa. This was the old, that's what he's called Taiwan. No way.

Yeah, Formosa. Taiwan, why did they change the name? Because Chinese people move there and they're like, yeah, Thai is Taiwan, though. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Suck my foam piss. Mm-hmm. Oh.

You really don't have foamy piss at all. Hell no. Oh, my God. Yeah. E.T. foam piss. You're not just saying that to get revenge on me for interrupting your beaver story. dude you didn't interrupt it i got it out okay but what really hurt me was when you embellished it at the end and made it your own and changed i didn't make it my own i said here's a

possibility i know but it felt like it's a sabotage greed that is that is that is that is the audience sort of a mutiny the audience interpreting something you know you can't control and i'm not the audience i'm the host you're the host so i can't interpret because i'm not in the audience thank you for that well you're the one telling the story thank you for that audience of the story and i can extract my own meaning and understanding of it. We're all good. You know? We're all good, my guy.

You know, it's like when you watch a movie and you're like, you know what I think. I think the main guy was just having a dream the whole time. Dream sequence. Yeah, the whole thing was a dream that he was having. Like Forrest Gump dreamt that he was clubbing a baby seal in the face with a baseball hat with a nail in the end of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knows what a dummy like him dreams.

Yeah. Probably dreams of a school bus covered in relish. Yeah, like at the end there, a nursing home. At the end of Malcolm Mets. X. I always imagine Bob Newharty wakes up and he's screaming and they're like, what's wrong? He's like, oh, I was crazy. I didn't see Malcolm X, but I saw the porno Malcolm Sex

and holy God, that guy can Power Smith. Malcolm XXL. Oh, dude. And they're talking about his cock. Oh, Power Smith. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine a black guy was a big team? I'm not going to imagine that.

I refuse to imagine that. I'll imagine almost anything, but I'm not imagining a triple X. Yeah. I wonder if there is like a Malcolm X. mex porn parody and the guy's completely naked but he's got the glasses on and he's doing the thing the whole time there's a porn parody for everything have you seen a pocket tits now no planet of the gapes planet of the gapes yeah oh dude there's some great ones out there yeah i'm trying to think other ones other porn parodies well about uh guy tannic guys fucking each other in the boat

and they hit an iceberg and they can't get it up because they're too chill Yeah, or the, or the iceberg is a guy's ass. Whoa, God. And the ship is a big cock. Well, okay, okay. You had me, then you lost me, then you got me back again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I ask, before we do our final segment?

Okay. And I ask a sweet favor? Of course. Like a beaver skin muskrati type favor. Mm-hmm. Would you be open to doing the ears, but I make like a funny squeaky sound? Hold on. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

coming down. So lower them slowly. Uh-huh. Great. Yeah. When? And now you can. Yeah.

I'm running out of breath. Nice. Thanks for that. Did you ever do any of that Michael, Winslow? Winslow stuff? I do. You ask for a noise.

I can do it. He's great. Well, I'm great. You're not even giving me a chance. I said, I asked for a noise. Okay.

I just skipped right back to him. Okay. You're like a mother and your child's died, you know, recently. And, you know, that was your single mother. That was the only thing you had. And you live in a tiny apartment above the church.

okay and it's like 1892 and do the sound yeah ha ha ha finally you're dead mommy can party again play ya ha mama gonna party play ya baby die suck placenta juice baby mama gonna party tonight play ya i can see it yeah michael wilson can't touch that he can't he's mostly like you ever press a button on an elevator He does all the electric guitar stuff. He does all of Star Wars, too. Yeah. Bebe, beep, beep. Yeah.

Like that? Yeah. I say, Michael Winslow, touch that, you freak. Yeah, that was pretty good. You guys should have a noise off. I've heard one of those right through the wall at the Bakersfield Motel 6. Some of the wildest noises you've ever heard. Is there a motel 6 there?

Have you been there? In Bakersfield? Let me answer with this. What is in Bakersfield? I only know it as a reference from The Fast and the Furious movies. Six things. Yeah. And they start with motel.

Yeah. Can you imagine staying in a motel one? Holy fuck. How bad would that place be? When they say breakfast in bed, somebody barfed an omelet all over the sheets. You ever get worried there's cameras in your hotel room? Not enough of them. I do that.

I mean, I want something from every angle. Every hotel I stay in. I sleep fully closed. I never use a bathroom or shower because I was always worried there's a camera in there. Can I tell you my favorite hotel joke? My buddy Stevie Ray Framstein did this joke. Can I tell it?

It's not mine. It's his, but I love it. That's fine. I don't even know who he is. Here we go, ready? So I'm laying in my hotel room the other day. I'm on the bed completely naked. The maid walks in.

Finally. That's great. Yeah, yeah. It's a good. It's a goodie. Stevie Wright from. I love it short and sweet. My favorite book joke of all time is why are there no Muslims on Star Trek?

Why? Because it's the future. Oh, wow. You know? How good is that? It's a deep cut. It made me start watching Star Trek when I heard that. I said, what?

I got to watch this show. I didn't even hear the punchline. I ran home. Hear that. Ran home, took off all my clothes, put Star Trek on. Finally. Yeah. See, I added his joke onto yours.

Uh-huh. He said he was laying in. the hotel room bed with no clothing and they made fine and you said fine and you were naked and i said finally yeah finally so that's a cross blend i can and whoopee was on star trek you think and they implied that captain bickard would liquor pussy was that his full name yeah captain pucard liquor pussy that's what i thought captain john liquor pussy puccott have you captain john liquor pussy pucard to the very final segment. Would you say that the world and the state it's in now

is just a comedy of errors like The Simpsons? Like you look at that show The Simpsons where everything's just, it's real life in a wave, it's a neighborhood, but it's everything's a comedy of errors. Is that where we're at, yeah, sure.

I guess somebody who writes books would say something in like that regard, and I would say, yeah, that sounds about right. But, you know, you just get older and things make less sense. Yeah. I did another podcast, and the guy that hosts the podcast, he's 17, names people, everybody's on YouTube now, and they name these YouTube people,

and their names don't sound like, you know, real names to me. They seem like silly words made up by some, yeah, postmodernist. Can you give me an example? Like Sneako or Sneaky or Speedball or, you know, yeah, I don't. It's like comic book, rapper names. I know this gets back to people, so I'm not criticizing. I'm not, you know, familiar with the content. I feel very old and out of touch these days.

Like a guy with kidney disease? probably yeah probably um favorite line from the simpsons uh i don't need to be careful i have a gun who said it homer when he has a gun and he's waving around the gun store when he's buying a gun the guy says whoa pal be careful and he goes i don't need to be careful i have a gun well you got do it in his voice i don't need to be careful i have a gun right now i get it yeah i didn't get it until you did his voice yeah i'm sorry was that close i don't know if i can do it Homer or not. Well, you want to hear my favorite homer?

He's building a dog house. What's their dog's name? Merry Christmas. Yeah, Santa's Little Helper. Yeah. He's building a dog house for Santa's Little Helper. He slams his thumb with the, with the hammer. And instead of blaming himself, he goes, oh, stupid lumber.

He blames the wood. He calls it lumber. Yeah. Yeah, I love that show. I have to go back in. Yeah, me either, pal. What the fuck was that, dude? It was Siri.

Are you serial? Siri is saying, I don't understand. Doesn't understand lumber? It doesn't understand anything. Oh, stupid Siri. Yeah, that's my hot lick. There's all this artificial intelligence. Yeah.

Seems pretty fucking stupid to me if you ask me. Wait, now you're getting to the hot lick? I don't know. I asked like almost an hour ago for your hot lick, and now I get the hot lick. I had to move away from social issues. It came to work. Okay, let's hear your hot lick about AI. I internalized it and I said, maybe something's wrong with my body.

That's what it is. That's why Theo Vaughan is falling out of a chair at the inauguration. Maybe it's because I'm dying. Maybe the world is fine and I'm the one that's dying. I doubt it. You look like a healthy young buck. Whoever I could say it in English. Ah, you look like a healthy young buck there, lad.

Yeah, thank you, socialized health care doctor. Yes, yeah, yeah. You're going to be fine, Nick. Hopefully. It's just a little foam, lad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone loves foam. I mean, you pack your packages with foam peanuts.

Why can't you pack your testicles with foam spray, a lung lad? Yeah. Lung lad. Oh, hopefully nothing's wrong with my lungs. Probably. I didn't think about my lungs. Now you got something for the ride home. I know.

Yeah, definitely. Oh, boy. This is the final segment we do with everyone, Nick. Mm-hmm. It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe. Uh-huh. You reach into the shoe. There's random.

wouldn't you say blah blah blah blah you could okay it's whatever you want but there's random words you pick one out and see if it it triggers a story from your journey in life whether it's yours or someone you know yeah no they're always new they're always fresh oh well this is it's london england no we're right back where we started how about that yeah talk to me guy does it trigger anything outside of what happened here today London England That's bloody, that's bloody queer, isn't it? Yeah, I think... That's bloody queer.

If I'm being completely honest, 90% of the torture devices I've seen from the Tower of London, I would imagine would feel pretty good. Can you expand on that? The one where they stretch you out. The Iron Maiden? No, that one's filled with spikes,

but I think I would like that also. Oh, I've ever tried Judas Priest? The band. Yeah, sorry, I got off. So wait, wait, you like that. torture devices? The one, yeah, the rack, that thing's, that, maybe that can take care of my back pain. Oh, so you want it for physical, we're going back to your health.

There was one that was a chair that just had a pyramid in the seat. It would slowly lower it on you, and the pyramid would go up your ass, and it would expand your ass out to here. It's called like Jacob's chair. And I don't know who Jacob was, but it sounded like he liked the party. You sit on that, you're walking like toot and common for a week. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I don't know.

Wait, that's your, so in London, England, you equate London, England with the Tower of London. Well, explain the Tower of London. Maybe that I'm thinking a big ban, but you're thinking of... The Tower of London was they would put prisoners at. Oh, see, I didn't know that. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enlighten me.

Yeah, they would put prisoners in there and they would torture them until they were like, yeah, you're right. God's real or whatever the fuck. Really? Yeah, whatever they were, yeah, arresting people for it. Oh, interesting. Mm-hmm. But I would really, I've always going to be put on that rack. Yeah.

Yeah, the stretching rack. Just for your back. For my back and all my joy. I feel like I'm too compressed. I feel like I shrink myself all the time. And I think that that's what causes. Would there be any amount of remorse or guilt? Well, you're sort of having a spa day

that hundreds, if not thousands of other people, were slowly tortured to death on said same device. But isn't that just the world we already live in? Oh, stupid lumber. Isn't that, you know, like a middle-class existence? You know, you kind of just use your iPhone. You're like, yeah, but a child in China made this. And then you go, okay, I thought about it.

That makes me a good enough person. Oh, stupid Iron Maiden. Uh-huh. That's pretty sure we have a homer off. No, thanks. I'm straight. Okay. Who else can you do from The Simpsons?

I can do Margin. No, that sounds like Yoda. Oh. Oh, homie. Oh, homie. yeah oh what about uh release the hounds who's that guy mr burns yeah yeah smithers something like smithers release the hounds yeah he's you're making them a little scottish i think well yeah my show really yeah okay i don't know i'm just come on man it burns like tinkle ralph ralph yeah

ralph wiggum this is what they're going to do for me when i'm in hospice care in two weeks Oh, you're going to bring the people in. They're going to say lines from The Simpsons, and I'll go, that's Leopold, the assistant to Superintendent Chalmers. And they're like, that's a deep cut, man. How did you get that one? That's a hot lick almost. Yeah.

And I'm like, it's the only thing I've ever cared about. You love the Simpsons. So here's more morphine. I say, thank you. Can you put on Wally again? Release the morphine. Mm-hmm. I know what's a good one is the one where he steals the puppies.

Mr. Burns. Oh. Yeah. They have that parody song of Be my guest, or it's See My Guest. Be our guest. He says, See my vest. See my vest. Made of real.

My nipples to the test. Real gorilla chest. Is that the lyric? I don't know, but I immediately thought of your hat when you said that. Thank you. Yeah. I think he wears a hat like this in the song. Does he really?

He does, yeah. It all ties together here on the Harlan Highway. Nick, tell the good folks where they can see your stand. up comedy, your podcast, anything you're doing, your special you put on YouTube. You can check out, Year of the Dragon, my stand-up special on the YouTube channel for the Adam Friedland Show, which has got big plans for 2025. They've got guests coming up. Check out the Adam Friedland show.

Stay tuned. And other than that, I don't know. I think I'm going to, I'll just be the doctor mostly. Yeah, this might be your last podcast. Do you want to say goodbye to everyone? Goodbye, everybody. Thank you so much for, you know, if you don't know who I am, it's thanks for listening to this. and if you do, for, you know, just listening over the years.

And, you know, I leave this earth as a man at peace. Do you have kids? No, yeah, no. Do you want to say goodbye to them just in case? If I did, I would. And I would do that privately. I don't think. If I was dying, I wouldn't go on a Harlem Williams podcast to say goodbye to my children

and then not see them in real life. You'll hit other kids to get a kidney. Yeah, well, they aren't my kids. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Buddy. Nick, thank you for. Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Some of the hottest licks I've ever laid down. Yeah. We look forward to seeing you on The View with Whoopi. With Whoopi. Folks, that's it for today on the Holland Highway podcast. Until next time, chicken chau-main and keep your eyes on your piss. Keep your eyes on your piss. Get it checked out. And make sure it's not too foamy.

Foamy. Yeah. And by the way, later, phone me. I will.