The Harland Highway - ORNY ADAMS Talks Almost Getting Kidnapped, the Cocodrilo & How to Create a Great Comedy Special!

Episode Date: June 30, 2026

WINGMAN is out now on Gumroad, Apple TV and Amazon Prime! GUMROAD- https://thewingman.gumroad.com/l/WINGMAN APPLE TV- https://tv.apple.com/us/movie/wingman/umc.cmc.nfzru25awp5jnendhudhjw9t This episode is sponsored by Kalshi, Betterhelp, and Rocket Money! -Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com/harland ! - Download the Kalshi app and use code Soccer10 to get $10 when you trade $10. You can also sign up at kalshi.com/r/soccer10, which auto-applies the code at checkout. -You don’t have to say yes to everything this summer. Find support in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/Harland Thanks for watching the Harland Highway! More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Orny Adams: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ornyadams/?hl=en Website: https://www.ornyadams.com X:https://x.com/Ornyadams?lang=en Tictok:https://www.tiktok.com/@ornyadams?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, gang, great news. For those of you that don't have streaming service or don't have Wingman available where you live, you can now download it and watch it on Gum Road. Just follow the directions. Go to the link as seen here on the screen and enjoy Wingman. How big was the beast? Big. Was it an alligator or a crocodile? No, it was a Cochondri-Lo. A Mexican crocodile. About to enter the ocean. Wow. So that was the end of my going in the water. Wait, how close were you in terms of feet? I'd say 20. I'd say enough that it could have pivoted and taken out. They move fast. They can run those things.

They're very fast. People think they're lethargic and they just lay there, but they can motor. Especially they see a juicy piece of meat like you, like a nice slab of fucking Orney Adams, just oiled up in his little speedo bathing suit on the beach and his yellow crocs on and just, fucking greased up like a Chinese bacon sandwich. Did you just say I'm wearing crocs looking at the crock? I meant you were wearing your crocadillo's on your feet.

I just play the theme music. You're my theme music. I'm your theme music. You're my theme music. You're the music of my life. I wish I was. You're my phantom of my opera. I love it.

You're my fat man of my Oprah. Wait. What? Wait, does that work? They're not singers. Phantom of the opera, fat man of my Oprah. I think that works. I like it.

I mean, if you're a rapper, it works. Okay. Yeah. Who says I ain't a rapper. I would never. I'm going to look straight in the lens the whole time. You don't want to look at me? Apparently, oh, you just did.

Yeah, I know. I'll go back and forth. But I know. It's hard not to look at. at me, isn't it? I mean, look at me. I agree. I agree. You look great. You look great. You turned, what, 50 this year? You son of a salamander out. Right to the theme music. Folks, welcome to the Halle, Howie, Allcath. You know who he is. He's my buddy. Orney Adams is here, gang.

One of the funniest guys in the game. And I say that with conviction, authority, love, respect. He's one of the top guys doing comedy, and we got them right here. How much you charging, by the way? Is this a freebie or are you charging me for this? I don't charge friends. Really? No, no, no. This is a freebie? You told me to bring a tip. Oh, yeah, I did. I did. I did. Yeah. So I brought a tip. I thought I had to. Okay, good. So if this goes well, you'll tip me? Yes. Oh, beautiful. And I, I do believe podcast should pay the guess. Yeah. I do. Some of them. How much would you like, like, to be honest, what do you think you're worth here today on the Ha'uwa punk?

I don't think, I don't, I wouldn't expect anything from you. But what would you, let's say I was just Johnny Gorgonzola. Like we're not intimate buddies. We're not old friends. What do you need? What does Orney need to rock and roll here today? I would, I would want to audit your, your, I'd want to know how much the show was making. Wow, you'd want to do a full. full audit. Yeah, if you're one of these like podcasts, it's like a studio. Yeah. And like if I'm promoting something, then it's a, then it's a fair trade. It's Ogratos. Is that even a term? No. Isn't that French potatoes? It's a side dish. It's potatoes. If we give you French

potatoes, will you do the podcast for free? But you're Canadian, right? It's potatoes with cheese. Hey, you don't have to snap at me. Yeah. So wait a minute. So you'd ask to look at the books. Like it's like, hey, Arnie, will you do the podcast? Yeah, send me the books. Well, I mean, some of these podcasts I was doing once a month and they're making money. Yeah. It's like, you know, throw daddy some bacon. Yeah.

Give daddy some lettuce. Yeah. What do you call cash? Like, you've heard me, I did too. I did bacon and lettuce. Yeah. Do you have a term for cash? I did.

I had, because somebody was trying to negotiate with me and they were trying to be funny. Yeah. Using a weird, you know, some dough. Don't be some dough. But what's yours, though? I don't want to know what some guy trying to be funny. I want to know if you have. You might not.

I'm just asking. Why you got to get so mad? I just, I get defensive. Dude. You know, when somebody asked me, I never really thought about it. You know, it's... Well, that's why I do the provocative probing questions

that other lose other podcasters. Just a way. No, don't look. You can't look. I will respect that. These aren't even for you. These are for Pete Holmes. Oh, really?

No, these are for you. But you don't... Congrats on having a font size that small at this age. I know. By the way, folks, this is the first time I've ever wore my glasses doing the podcast. It looks good. You look like Ian Bagg. I do? Yeah.

At some point, all Canadians start to look like Ian Bagg. Yeah, Ian Bagg. Is it, does it throw you off that I'm wearing glasses? No, I think it ups your game. You know what I just thought of? Yeah. What if I got those new, like, the camera glasses? that are all the rage.

And then that became the fourth. Yeah. I'm going to do that. Yeah. You know, I just had a podcast data here on the hong, ha, ha, punker. I'm going to, I'm going to do them. You know what I just thought?

I'm retarded. I don't think I'm getting paid today. Am I? It sounds like I. Well, here's where I'm going with this. If you were to leave a tip today, yeah. How much would you leave?

Probably the biggest tip you've ever gotten. Give me a number. I have it in my pocket. Just please give me a number. It's important. I need to know. It's large. Can you just tell me?

Because I need it. You're going to see why I need to know. Do you want to see it? Yeah. Or you could just tell me whatever. It's probably the biggest tip. Listen, when you said, oh, there's a tip jar, which sounds like something you would do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it makes sense. Yeah. Like, I would tip if it went well, if you were giving me fair questions. Is it going well thus far? I think so. Okay. 1,000. Wow.

1,000. Is that good burgls? That's a, that's a thousand. What? Pesos? What? Yeah. You're going to tip me a K?

That's a thousand. A grand. That's, that's, uh, you can buy land down there with that. Dude. Yeah. You're going to tip me a full K. Yeah. Dude.

Yeah. I think it should go like on, it should be taken up, like I should sign it like one of those bars. Well, here's the dilemma. I can't take it. it because the reason I asked you what you charged is exactly what you tipped me. So if this goes well, this is yours in about 49 minutes. Wow. Wow. Yeah, buddy. Yeah, you're looking at a full K. I like it. You're looking at some pesos, my friend. If you do a good podcast here today, my friend, you will walk away with 1K pesos. It sounds racist. It does. I don't know why, but it does. But I

I know that doesn't bother you. You like that. You love to ignite the internet. I love to do racist voices. What part of it was racist? Like the inflection or just the... The stereotype. It felt like kicking down.

But you know, now that we've... Punching down or kicking down or drop kicking down? Because it was deep. It was deep racism. I just want to say this. Now that we've deported all the Mexicans out of America, I don't hear that accent anymore. Oh, dude.

Yeah. It felt good. familiarity is back. Yeah. Did you hear what happened to me? What do you mean? Uh-oh. No.

Did something bad happen? Yeah. Or good. No, no, bad. I was almost kidnapped. What? What? I was almost kidnapped.

I didn't even know you had a kid. Like two months ago. What happened? I was on vacation in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. That's where this came from, my friend. And the government supposedly assassinated the head of the cartel. I don't want to el-Mancho his name. His name-o.

And El-Mancho his name-o. You have to say it. You have to be completely racist. I wasn't asking you to punch up my story, but thank you. Oh, I was punching down. Whoa. Okay. Is this real?

You were almost kidnapped? Yeah, there was gunfight outside of the hotel, and they were blowing up cars. and we had to hide. We were so afraid because everybody said that the Americans were involved in the assassination. So I ran into the hotel and told everybody I was Canadian. Like that's how bad my life got as an American. So you culturally appropriated my culture for my life, yeah.

Well, who's racist now? You Canadian stealing flapjack-loving French toast flipping beard drink and hoser. I was almost snatched from the streets of Port-Tivari. This is a true story. I didn't even know you had a snatch. Yes. Wow. Wow.

Good for you. We almost lost an American treasure. Treasure. Oh my God. Yeah. Wait, now, wait a minute. For three days we had to hide. Are we sort of fluffing up a story where it's like, hey, folks, stay in your luxury suite.

We'll bring you free room service for 24 hours. There's a little bit of a commotion out in the street. No. Is that your version of being kidnapped? I would say I'm cleaning it up for Mexico and their tourist industry. Are we bullshitting it up? No. So at some point someone almost grabbed you and threw you in a van.

It felt like that could happen. Yeah. So it felt like it could happen, but nowhere near happened. You ever been standing there and seen a car blow up and gunfight erupt? From a first class suite and a fancy resort in Mexico? No, it was a bad. We booked the wrong. So I was in the shitty All You Can Eat Resort.

By day three, it was just pancakes. That's all they had left. You couldn't go out in the street. It was dead quiet. And it was scary. And we almost... But wait, can I just be the reality check here for a minute? Sure.

And I'm taking this back. Mm-hmm. It sounds like you were in a five-star, four-star resort. No. There was some commotion in the street. No, was a commotion. You looked out the window, saw some smoke, heard some rumbling. No.

And that turns into you almost being kidnapped. Did you follow the news? I'm following your news and it's not adding up. It was bad. It was worse than I could describe. So what part of you almost... Kidnapping is when you're abducted, throwing in a vehicle,

sped away duct taped. I know I've had it done a number of times. Let me ask you a question. You're the cartel. Yeah. You're storming. a hotel. Okay. Who are you grabbing?

The guy from Teen Wolf or Bozo from you know, from Toronto. You know, you're grabbing Orney Adams National Treasure. I checked into the hotel. They immediately knew who I was. There was excitement. There was what I would

call pandemonia. Okay. Okay. And I knew immediately. They knew me. I go, this is great. I'll get preferential treatment. If they're going to come in and kidnap people, they're going to grab, I'm going to be on the back of the truck paraded around town. It's a big deal if they got me. Do you think a bunch of cartel, guerrilla terrorists living in the jungle on a cocaine ranch or sitting around watching Teen Wolf and know who the hell Orney Adams is? I know for a fact they do. Yeah. And they've watched

my last special. He's in room 417. Everybody get up there. It was bad. Grab the team. It was bad. And day three, we were allowed to leave the hotel. So the government shut down the hotel. I'm not even doing a gag. They blocked us in. They barricaded us in. There were officials.

So immediately, you heard the blowing up and the gunfighting, and I'm going outside, look. And then I get grabbed in by a guy in an official from the city. Yeah. And he said, you can't leave the hotel. I said, what's going on? And he said, the cartels fighting outside. And I go, oh, uh-oh. So immediately found all the escape routes in the hotel, places to hide.

And we had to stay inside for three days. And we didn't think you could get out. There was nobody on the streets. It was like dead silent. Okay, can we just say Orney Adams was on lockdown while there was a commotion outside? Kidnapped is a big, and I'm just, I'm not trying to be a douche bonnet. No. But was there even a knock on your door?

Did the kidnappers even Hey Orney, you in there? Mr. Adams, kidnappers? Like at what point were you even in proximity to someone physically grabbing you and kidnapping you? Your story's falling apart, Adams. I'm not allowed to tell the story,

but what's interesting about this entire story is for somebody that never exaggerates for a joke. You know, everything is so serious that you would even call me out on, like it was, It was bad. It was bad. I never call you out.

And then I left the hotel day three, we're allowed to leave. Yeah. I'm walking down the street. Right. The beach, rather, the playa, as we call it. Pliya, yeah. I saw. Uh-oh.

I thought it was a log to sit on and take a break. I saw a Coho Trio. A Coho Trio. Don't tell me. Let me process this. A Coho Trio. So that would be a salmon. A coho Trio.

in a tree but on a lower branch. Coho treelo. Cocroilo. So chocolate. Mm-hmm. Chocolate, a chocolate tree that Jennifer Lopez lives in. A chacojalo. Cocoa gilo.

Cocoa gilo. Cokojillo. What does that mean? Does anybody here speak Spanish? Any of your producers? I do. I told you earlier I speak Spanish. Anybody speak Spanish?

I do. Oh, you mean, you mean co-cotrello? Have you ever seen a co-co-drillo? Oh, I said you, a crocodrello. What is a Coco-Tri-Lo? Drillo. Gilo. Drilo.

Drillo. Drillo. Cocodillo. Cocotri-l. Mm-hmm. What is it? Crocodile. Oh, wow, yeah.

Our feet away from a co-codrillo. Okay, okay. I thought it was a log, but it had its little, the little feet, the little accessories, you know, it was sort of. appendages. They go in the ocean there. It's not like here. Here they mind their own business and their little ponds and shit like that.

If you're in Florida, you go into a pond. Oh, yeah. You know. Yeah. You've been to Florida. Oh, yeah. There's alligators. There's even the American crocodile, which is more rare, but mostly alligators, which do go

into the ocean sometimes. It's not common. I'll give you that. In Florida, I've seen alligators in the ocean, but it's, it's, it's, It's rare, but they do venture and they like the freshwater. I don't know why I'm doing this. It's like I'm petting a St. Bernard or something. Yeah.

It's like I'm giving Kujo a rub down. It's okay, boy, those rabies will go away soon. Don't eat any more children. Good Kujo, good Koo. Are you getting annoyed yet? No, I'm just fascinated by the exaggeration. Will you start? You made by talking about Chocodillo.

No, the Kocodrillo. So wait, you sat on it? No, no, I got right up to it. I thought it was a log. Ooh. Well, first of all, why would you ever see one on a beach? We're not accustomed to that. We're not.

No. And I walk over and I just, I see this. Yeah, it was typing. Mm-hmm, it was typing. It was sending a text to the other. It was a crocodile de los. It was a crocodile secretary. Yeah, okay.

And so I immediately backed away. Got some pictures. Yeah, got to take the pictures them back away. That's the Instagram culture we live in. Back away. Fall off the cliff, but get your picture. picture first. Now, these things, I don't know if you're familiar, but what they'll do is they'll grab you and they'll do like this death spiral. Death rule, they'll spin you around.

Yeah. Hey gang, today's episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Yes, indeed. Summer's here and for some of you, it's possibly your favorite season. You got a lot going on, though. You got the travel. You got picking up the kids because they're out of school. You got your adventures. You got vacations. You got your picnics. You got all. lot of things, you got a lot of balls in the air, you're juggling all kinds of summer things, and then all of a sudden summer's over and the kids are back in school. Oh my gosh, there's a lot going on. So what I do is I try to pace things out for myself. I try to have work time,

enjoyment time, recreational time. But let's face it, sometimes things can get overwhelming. And so, listen, make that time for yourself. But if you don't have time to say, yes to everything this summer. Maybe you can find some support in therapy. Yeah. Get BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash Harland. That's betterhelp.com slash Harland. Don't let summer overwhelm you. Enjoy your summer. And you can do that by getting better help. Some dude in Florida was playing It was like playing this game that It's a Frisbee game

That's called Frisbee It's called Frisbee Yeah, for losers, right? Yeah, for anyone who throws a Frisbee's a loser Unless you're doing it doggy style in your bedroom And you throw a Frisbee, then you're a winner Make sure the ceiling fans off Go ahead, Crocachillo

I don't know if I can follow whatever that lack of sensibility was about frisbee. Who played frisbee in a confined space of a bedroom? Well, if you're doing it doggy style, what does a dog love more than anything? They catch a frisbee. It's acceptable for your brain to go to this incongruent story of throwing a frisbee inside.

Right. I didn't say hacky sack, which could be inside, but is an outdoor activity. I said frisbee, and you're like, oh, if it's doggy stuff, like you just put all this nonsense together. I was actually almost kidnapped, and it's made a mockery here on the Harlan Highway,

which stops at the border of Mexico. Well, almost kidnapped. I'll take that back because you're not going to use it. Wow. You're not going to Mexico. Almost kidnapped. But thank God you weren't kidnapped because then you were able to go onto the beach and see a giant crocachicellio. Cocodrilo.

How big was the beast? Big. Was it an alligator or a crocodile? No, it was a co-co-dri-lo. A Mexican gruelo. crocodile. About to enter the ocean. Wow. So that was the end of my going in the water. Wait, how close

were you in terms of feet? I'd say 20. I'd say enough that it could have pivoted and taking out. They move fast. They can run those things. They're very fast. People think they're lethargic and they just lay there, but they can motor.

Especially they see a juicy piece of meat like you. Like a nice slab of fucking orny Adams just oiled up and his little speedo bathing suit on the beach and his yellow crocs on and just fucking greased up like a Chinese bacon sandwich. Did you just say I'm wearing crocs looking at the crock? I meant you were wearing your crocodilos on your feet. And you don't think their crocodiles aren't watching Teen Wolf? Oh, wow. Maybe that's what spared you because he saw the crocs on your

feet and thought they were baby crox. I looked at the co-co-cordreelow and I go, we got to get back to Canada. It's not safe first here. Yeah, I've got to go back to Canada. Were you really scared or was it just? Not at all. Because you were 20 feet away. Yeah, I felt like I could have serpentined or run or gotten away from it.

If I saw it in the ocean, I'd freak out. Yeah. You're done. How long was this thing, would you say? I'll show you a picture later, but it was longer than this desk. Oh, wow. And thick. It was a, it was a, it was a, you're a.

monster cocaudrilla. So this guy in Florida is playing this loser game with a frisbee. Frisbee, yeah. Okay? Yeah. It goes into a pond. Oh, here we go. What would you do?

If it's in Florida? Mm-hmm. You mean in terms of what I would go in and retrieve said Frisbee? Or would you just go on Amazon, order a new one, and continue tomorrow? Well, if you're in the middle of the game, you don't want it to be interrupted by a cheesy old crocaca Kekilo. You want to continue your game. Right.

So whether there's a crock pot in the water or whatever it's called, I think, you know, you'd probably go into a pond. So you would go after, you would go into a still body of water in Florida. Like you see them on golf courses all the time. You see them all. I think if I was a tourist and I wasn't, I wasn't schooled in crocodelia culture. You, you. I think it would depend on the circumstances. but knowing me in the middle of the fever of a frisbee game for losers,

and I'm a big loser, look at me. I mean, I'm not going to stop being a loser for a man-eating reptile. I'll sacrifice myself. That's what losers do. They don't have the common sense of winners. And you have less to lose. Right, because I'm a big loser. Look at me.

Yeah. I mean, just take a moment. Take a beat folks and take a look. Yeah, let me just. People just take it in. Look, this is a big loser. right here with glasses. You tell me when you're ready, because I'll

sit here and marinate in the loser thing until you're ready. Are those glasses prescription or are they? They are. I try to swallow them at night, but God, yeah. That's good. That's good for you. Are you doing that? I try. They are prescription. Oh, really? Yeah. I should have got suppositories.

Do I remember the time we're outside of my house and we were trying to read signs to see who had better vision? Right. And one of us was better up close and... I'm better far away. That's right. Up close, I go foggy. I go blurry. It feels like someone grabbed my head and shook it up. Put it in an Amazon Prime delivery box and just shook the shit out of it.

Yeah, it sucks, huh? Do you get headaches, migraines? Never. I think I've had about 20 headaches in my whole life. Like even mild ones. I never get headaches. Wow. Do you get them?

I do, yeah. Wait, migraines? I do. Ooh, I'm sorry. I didn't know about this. Rare, rare. But I get headaches sometimes. How do you service a migrant?

Because I hear they can disable you. They're debilitating is the word I'm looking for. I'm not the expert on it. They're so rare. I just sleep it out. You sleep it out. You know, you got to stay out of son and you might throw up. It's bad.

But it's so rare. We don't even have to discuss it. I'm not a victim here. There's other people. You are just kidnapped. So let me get back to the story. Well, sure is how I am. And I thought, this is, if I'm going to break the story,

like tell the story for the first time about me almost being kidnapped. Have we come to the part yet where the kidnappers knock on your luxury hotel suite door and say, kidnappers? Or did you just see them out the window from the 14th floor? I can't. I've signed an NDA with the people. Oh my God, an NADA? Yeah.

You signed a NADA? Yeah, I sure did. Wow. I had to negotiate for my life to get out of that. I once signed a Natta Furtado. I was parting with Nelly Furtado at a nightclub and signed her boobs. I've seen the podcast where like people hold this?

Yeah. What is that? That's a weird. Those are like arthritis podcasts. They're to aid people that have crippling arthritis and it's sort of like an exercise. They request that because they don't want to sit there for an hour and just curl like a velociraptor.

So as a courtesy, those podcasts, Podcasters will put up a mic stand so that they can sort of do finger exercises while they gabble their flapnards. Oh. Yeah. But can I just, before we get back to your fake kidnapping story, can I... Well, we're in the middle of a few. We have to get back to the guy who went into the pond.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's what happened? Disappeared. What? Found him. Wait. Found him two days later.

Oh, no. In Mexico at your resort? Missing. three limbs. Three. Well, that's why you couldn't get out of the water. Imagine walking out of a pond on one arm. What am I, Cirque de Soleil?

The lady on the news said, the coroner has still not determined the cause of death. What if it was a child of the corn? Have you ever heard of those kids? Yeah. I don't think it was. How does the coroner determine the death of a children of the corn? and I think he'd probably be, that'd be his best

to a day at the work ever. Because they're corn children and he's a coroner. Here's the flaw in your theory and your entire podcast. And my humor. There's no corn in coroner. In Florida. Oh, okay.

Okay. Now, just so we're clear. No, they will not release which three limbs. For privacy. Appendages. Yeah, they will not say which three appendages. Oh, wow. So it could be a combo of two.

Two arms in a leg. Yes. Or two legs in an arm. Right. But for privacy reasons, they won't. I say the minute you are dumb enough to go into a pawn in Florida to get a frisbee, you lose all your rights. Like if tomorrow I show up missing three limbs, release it. Yeah.

Let the people know. There shouldn't be a mystery. No. I think it adds to the fanfare. I think it adds to the legend of Bernie Adams. Yeah. One leg Adams. One leg Adams.

One leg Adams. So she says Still haven't determined I mean what else could I mean I'm gonna go out on a limb Oh I like that I'm gonna say Coquodrylo

Yeah yeah It would the guy of a heart attack And three limbs blew off Well I'm gonna say if it was Florida It was alligatorito Yes Because that alligators are more common there Right but Cochodillo is funnier

You just like to say Coca Rico. Cocholrolam. Coco crispes. You know, people call me that now. They do? They do? They do?

They have to show as they yell it. Yeah. They just sell Coccoadrilo. Yeah. They love it. Because you just death roll

comedy like you're... The death roll of comedy. That's... I like that. Wow. I like that. You need a tramp stamp of that. Just death roll.

Who says I don't have one? Right over your ass crack? Yeah. It says death roll? Yeah. Holy shit. Mine says cinnamon roll. No, I've always been jealous

of guys like Bobby. Slate was like the... The pit bull. The pit bull and other people like the... The outlaw. The shotgun of... Yeah. The machine gun comedy of.

Yeah. There was a guy named Ed Ruzine. He was in Boston. He was the machine gun. Yeah. A lot of good, you know... Good names. The butt plug of comedy.

Yeah. What are you? I'm the death roll. And the cocko... Oh, wow. I am known as the loser of comedy. Yeah. And I've learned it was hard at the beginning.

beginning, but I've adopted it. I've learned to live with it. I've learned to roll with it. So I'm a loser. It's okay. Loser. L. Can't even do that properly because I have a bill on my head. Supposed to be right on my forehead. That's what a loser I am. I can't even loser myself properly. You're such a loser. The L is backwards. It was? Yeah, it's got to go the other way. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there you. See? Is that right? Maybe it was right. Wait. No, it's, you're right. Yeah, it was right. Right. See, I'm a loser. I can't even do loser right. I'm such a loser. Sad. If I were to play a game...

You would go into the pond to get the Frisbee and, like, hang out and wait for the co-co-drilloes. I would go into the pond to have my legs and one arm removed so that I could finally get that wheelchair I've had my eye on. I'm just tired of walking. Do you go on... Do you fly anymore? Have you seen the people that get on the plane first? It's all the way. wheelies. Hmm. I mean, if I could, if I could pop into a pond pretending I'm going for a frisbee, I have a, I have a,

appendages, and now I'm the first guy on Delta Airlines 57029 to Cleveland at 8 o'clock. Yeah. I have a hardcore rule. Okay. Okay. If I was running from mayor of Los Angeles. Yeah. Nobody before first class.

Yeah. Load us in. Yeah. The rest can, there's not that many of us. Yeah. You know, we'll put our feet in. so you can get people by and families. Yeah, most first class, it's like 12 to 16.

Yeah. People. Right. Yeah. And maybe the first class people want to watch the lower life forms go by. I want everybody to see me in first class. So you can view the vermin go by, the peasants. Why do you think you're paying for first class not to not see them roll by,

limp by, crawl by, struggle by? You ever see the people like, they're just looking down? I watch every single voice. I make eye contact. That's right. I'm sitting here. You keep going. Keep going low life.

Yeah. You thought I was out of the business. You counted me out. I've never sat in first class because I'm a loser. What's it like? It's really nice. What happens up there? Well, mostly we talk about you guys.

Losers? Yeah, the smell. The smell on the back of the plane. Yeah, it does smell. It's rank. The other thing is... It's like a Goodwill store that didn't get rid of the mold or the asbestos. You feel by default, you're deputized to protect the cockpit.

Now, you in life protect the cock, but in first class, we're protecting the cockpit. The cockpit. Yeah. Wait, so the people, the pampered, fluffy people in first class. I'm going to name an actor. You go, what nickname would you give them now? Okay. Brad Pitt.

Winner. Brad Pitt. Stop. Brad Pitt stop. When you're in first class. you're closest to what that where the pilots are the pit stop the Brad Pitt cockpit boy that was a long way I almost wished there was an El Crockadollio in here right now the good thing is you can edit out the first 45 minutes we've done and we can start this

and I can tell the story again about me almost being abducted almost but probably the only thing in that sentence that should be in capitals how long how have you you ever come close to being abducted? Here we go, Mr. I never embellish. It's hard because I'm talking to people at home right now. Go ahead. I'll sit back. Yeah.

It's hard because I know Harlan as a different person. You know, like, he's not like this all the time. It's actually worse. Because I'm a loser, you mean? Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. Go ahead. Is it hard for me to take? Should I be sitting there?

there right now. Should we switch? Has anybody ever sat in the Yeah. Who has? Who's pulled

that gimmick off before me? Jeremiah Watkins. Oh, okay. And I think Pauly Shore

did it once. But I don't know, you see, you're a winner. I don't know if you want to sit in the loser's seat. Yeah,

I might catch it. Right? I might catch it. Like you're winning. Stay winning. Yeah. Don't, there's some things you can

mess with in life. Don't mess with being a winner. Do you still... Don't play with it. Do you still wear a mask when you fly? I do. Yeah.

Well, when you say mask, I have a Scooby-Doo mask, a rubber one. I wear a full Scooby-Doo mask. Do you remember during COVID when we'd go on these long walks? Like, we would... There was nobody on the streets. Yeah. Just me and you. Walk all the way down Hollywood Boulevard, like, for miles.

Miles. From like Hollywood to Beverly Hills. There's nobody else. Nobody. And we'd post pictures and people would, like, criticize us. Yeah. What are you doing out of the house? Yeah.

Why aren't you wearing a mask? And it was just me and you. Me and you. I never wore a mask outside. Every now and then you would. Like if people came by, you'd put one on. Yeah. But I was just like, ornie, I'm not doing it.

Orrne, are you kidding me? But I didn't, I didn't, no disrespect to anyone else who did it. I just wasn't buying it. I loved when we were, like, in my neighborhood, we'd like come by people and they'd cross the street. And I said to you, like, if you can catch this by just passing somebody, like five feet away, we're doomed. We're all dead.

But meanwhile, they're letting us fly all over the world in a concealed tube where you had to sit four inches from somewhere. Yeah, yeah. I just, I have such fond memories of those walks. Oh, we had the great walks. Really long. Remember that, yeah, the hawk, the black. The gold wing, you called it the gold wing hawk or something.

Yeah. The gold, actually you had COVID so bad you made up a new species of bird. like Audubon rolled over in his grave. And that's not a good thing for Audubon to do because in his casket are a plethora of beetles, bugs, decomposition maggots, and for a steward of nature like Audubon to roll over in his grave,

he must have crushed and killed several dozen living species of insect. And that's got to be torture for a guy who's dedicated his life to nature, and you were the catalyst for that. In highways, in Germany, the Audubon. The Autobahn, yes. Oh, that's, he's, have you ever been on the Autobahn? I sure have, yeah.

Have you driven it? I've been on that in the Harlan Highway. Which is faster? I'll tell you, this one's more exciting. Yeah. It's always, you know, you always want to be on the Harlan Highway. Yeah. Everybody, this is probably the biggest podcast going right now.

Is it? Everybody's talking about it. Everybody, when I told people, I was doing it. You know what it is. What is it? What happened? I think it's because people come on here. They flock to this podcast knowing that they're going to leave fear feeling elevated because they were sitting with such a loser.

Like if your self-esteem's low or you're depressed or you just want to feel better about yourself. What happened? When I came in, you were all, you were giddy, you were hiring yourself, confident, you were hiring yourself. I was hiding by loserness? But was it me talking about Frisbee that upset you? Like, what triggered you? I think what triggered me, if I can be honest, you came in and dude, you look so good. I've known you so long, but you look so in shape.

You look sculpted. You have a new haircut. You've sort of finally grasped onto a little bit of gray in your hair, which for a while you were resisting. I did too, but now you've let it sneak in. It looks very becoming, salt and pepper. You're like a part silver fox. and then we embraced in a friendly hug like we always do. And when we broke apart, I was like, what is that scent?

And you said it's my musk, and you said, Elon Musk. You're wearing Elon Musk. Yeah, yeah. So I smell like a winner. I smell like a billionaire. Yeah. You smell like a guy that's going to go to Mars. I'm just a loser.

Yeah. I smell like Kentucky fried chicken. Yeah, I'm SpaceX and you're, you know, Triple X. No, anal sex. Analect. But the point is, you're wearing Elon Musk?

He has his own musk now? No, it's a different, but it's spelled the same. Wow. Yeah. He should have a Musk. He really should. I mean, it's in his name.

That would have been, if I were him, I would have just done that, and then stopped. Yeah. I wouldn't have gone on to electric cars and going into space and all that sort of stuff. You know, he probably

watches this podcast because it is so big now. Well, you know why I'm hoping he watches it? Because he's going to Mars and I did my movie Rocket Man where I was the first guy to go to Mars. So between me and you and no one else has to hear this, folks, tune out, hit the mute button. I've actually tweeted or exed Elon a number of times and said, hey, buddy, I'm Harlan. I'm the guy that did the movie about the first guy on Mars. Let's talk. Let's do the sequel. You've got tons of money. Let's go. I've actually done that.

I love it. Guess what the answer was? Never heard from him. Why? Because I'm a loser. Yeah. Do you think it could be? Yeah. He's overwhelmed with responses. Yeah. I think it's probably more that.

And you should just let it go. The answer of a winner. Yeah, but he's watching now. So, yeah, I mean, do Rocket Man. Let's do this again. I mean, space travel has come so far when I was a kid, Harlan, back in the 70s. Yeah.

Everybody was giddy because 10 years earlier, we had been to the moon. Yeah, right. And two months ago, everybody was giddy because we went back to the moon. And this time, we didn't even stop. Right. We just went around it.

It was a drive-by. We were supposed to celebrate, like this was some big accomplishment 50 years later or 60 years later. It's absurd. I wonder if they actually lowered the moon window and held Glockes out and shot at the moon

and just did a drive-by. Yeah. Or a float-by. Because they were going by you might as well do something. Yeah. And the moon's already full of those ridiculous craters. Who's going to know if you shot it, if you put, if you popped cap into it, you know, your empty five or six clips, boom, boom, boom, boom.

King Kong ain't got nothing all me, motherfucker. You know, just unload. Like, do a moon by. Yeah. Am I getting carried way, is this the talk of a loser? I absolutely, my mind drifted. I was somewhere else.

Guess what I'm wearing? Steve Jobs. He's dead. Huh? Steve's dead. I know that's why it stinks. Yeah, it doesn't smell good. It's not a good musk.

Yeah. Who's the guy, who's the guy that owns Microsoft? That guy, Bill Gates, who held over 20 affairs. That's what that's, yeah, that's what I read. He had 20 affairs listed in the dilution of, That guy? Yeah. He looks like a librarian and an accountant had a threesome with a nerd.

Yeah. And he, this guy had 20 affairs? 20 affairs. You know, Stephen Hawkins used to go to strip clubs. Really? He was like in that wheelchair and he, you know, you talk, you know. They got like it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Take it. Take it off. Take it. Take it off. Mm. Get out of the pole. Get on the ball.

I miss that guy. I want a lap dance. Yeah. The thing about him and getting lap dance is he has his own chair. And he's always sitting. He never stands up. So you almost, if you're him, you don't even have to say, I would like a lap dance.

Would you let him... It's just built in. Would you let him board the plane before you, first class, or do you want him to roll by? Well, the question is, because of his stature, is he a wheelchair, and a first classer. Now here we have a dilemma.

Yeah. Do we let a wheelchailer who's a first classer go in first? Or do they get into the cattle line with the wheelchellers who are in the scum-s-er or in the economy class?

No, no, he can board with first class, but like if you're there first, you don't have to like let him go ahead of you. You know what I do just to save time? I get a grappling hook and a long rope.

He's on wheels already. Just hook it to the, the axle of his wheelchair, pull him. Let him roll along the ground. If you've got to go from New York to L.A., just put a grappling hook, attach it to the rear end of the jet,

and pull the fucker. I don't think the physics work. But you know where my mind went, and I feel horrible about this? Oh, here we go. Would you help Hawkins put his bag, Hawkins, Sadie Hawkins? Would you put his,

Would you go, Mr. Stephen? You know there's already no respect left when you're just calling him Hawkins. Okay, go ahead. S.H. Can I help you with your bag? Yeah. Or do you lift the entire wheelchair up? Right.

So he feels good about himself and he can open. He puts the bag in. What do you do? I'm ashamed that my head even went there. No. I never, I never apologize for where the brain goes. No.

A lot of people, like you, you know what I mean? You're like, Oh, don't say that. You're critical. Yeah. You know, you have to, there's like watch groups now.

Do you know, standups gotten so bad, they're locking up people's phone so we don't get in trouble. Come on. But like, that's where the mind went. And the mind, it can do and have bad thoughts. It is. Yeah. We should discuss some. And people will be critical about this.

I know it. So let him be critical. Yeah. Let he who lives in a glass house, throw the stone first. For he who leads a horse to water cannot be. make him drink for thy who is throwing stones shouldn't live in the basement of glass houses. Yeah. And by the way, if you ever want to go to Harlan's show and believe me, it's a great show, it's just this. It is? Like loser stuff? No, no, no, it's just this. Luser stuff. Luser talk.

Luser chat. I'm just saying you're not going to see the same show over and over. Like if you want a show where you're guaranteed to laugh and be buckled over and tears coming down, this is your guy. If you want to see a loser in action. I'm your guy. Nobody saw that coming. Yeah. No, Harlan is one of the funniest, genuine in yourself. And what I do notice is a lot of guests come on the highway.

Yeah. And they sort of acquiesce, if you're familiar with that word. Oh, no, that you think they do? Yeah, they want to sort of bend and be malleable and play into your, what I would call juvenile, loserish. Humor. Yeah, like, if he can even label it humor. But here's the thing, like off the mic,

if that's how we're going to describe the other half of the mic, which is also a sex act in West Hollywood. It is? Yeah. Off the mic. There's on the mic. Yeah. But then when it gets, I think when you get into the late hours,

it becomes off the mic. You're very serious, you're serious person. Are you serious? Yeah. Are you cereal? Are you cereal? Are you Captain Crunch? Hot or cold cereal?

Oh, thanks. I'm busy. Wait, you think I'm serious? No, yeah, you're very... What? You're deep. When did this happen? Yeah.

You know, when we go for our walks? Well, we have serious talks. I'm not going to go for a hike with you and, you know, be goofing and gaffing the whole time. You'd think you'd show a little empathy, sympathy for one of your best pals who almost got kidnapped? I mean, almost all. Almost. If you had read about that, how would you have felt? I would have said, you know, I almost felt bad because you almost got kidnapped.

I was almost worried because you almost got kidnapped. Would you set up a go-fund me to get me out? I'd send up a go-fuck-you because I don't believe the story. So nice try. It's a true story. What? But there was no way you were nearly stopped. in a van and whisked away.

You don't know that. You don't know how bad it was. It was bad. It was bad. You would have been scared. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Hmm. We almost got extricated. We almost got taken out by a group that was going to come in and grab us. To what end? To hold you for ransom? No, no, no. Those were going to be the government of the United States was prepared to come get us. Really?

Yeah. How many? Well, you don't know, but you're given a code word. You were only allowed to bring a knapsack, nothing else. And you had to go with them, passport, knapsack. And then I believe we were being put on a boat, brought to a private jet, and we were flown to Texas. And they would not tell us where we were going to land in Texas. This sounds like the most luxurious kidnapping I've ever heard of. How was the lobster?

God. What the hell are you talking about? I just pray in your lifetime you never experienced what I had to experience. Yeah, that must have been horrible. Did they delay room service at all? Like, did your omelic get there in time? It was bad. Yeah.

It was bad, yeah. I can see, God. Got the hell out of there. Didn't go to the second. You know, I was supposed to go up the coast and have a vacation. I don't go on vacations. Yeah, you're one of these guys that's sort of not Mr. like, and then I feel like you finally ventured out.

Mm-hmm. And this happens. And now is this going to prevent you going forward from doing this type of thing? Well, last year I booked a trip to go to Costa Rica. Okay. And I'm about to get on the plane and the fires broke out in Los Angeles. Okay. And so now I had to decide because they were within a few hundred yards, if you'll believe this, of my house.

Okay. And I think you know that. Yeah. And I thought my mom said, just getting... get on the plane. There's nothing you can do. Yeah. They had evacuated the entire neighborhood. Yeah.

And then on top of that, now they told everybody to leave their homes and leave the doors open so the firemen could get in. Right. Well, the looters hear this. Yeah. And they start looting. Yeah. So we had to hire, me and my next door neighbor hired a security guard to stay outside of our

homes to protect them. Wow. So that was the first vacation I took in my adult life. Wow. Where it wasn't like, oh, I'm going to go to Costa Rica, do a show. and I'll stay seven more days. This was getting on a plane, and that happened.

So the whole trip, you know, I'll be honest, I'm getting massages on the beach, but I'm thinking about the house and what's going on. And so I said, okay, this year, let's go somewhere else.

I thought, wouldn't it be nice, Porto Vallarta? Yeah. The love boat, they always went there. Did they? It's like a three-hour flight

from Los Angeles. Maybe this can be a place I can visit frequently. Right. Maybe get a place there. Who knows? There you go. I'm there.

a night and almost kidnapped. The truth is booked the wrong hotel. There were two hotels. One had the word grand after it

and one didn't. So I was in the shitty all you could eat. Oh no. All you could drink resort. Yeah. With primarily Canadians, which is,

I'm not even kidding. There was all Canadians. That's a good thing, and they were drinking the whole time. They weren't scared. They used things called Bubba's and they fill them up with liquor.

and they drink. I don't think they even knew there was a cartel takeover outside. I don't think anybody did but you from the sound of it. Yeah. I think you're the only guy. Apparently you don't follow the news. It was a big time breaking news. People wanted statements from me, but I said, please don't tell anybody I'm in Mexico until I get out of Mexico. Wow. Yeah. So you have a bad taste in your mouth for Mexico. And by the way, I don't know why people say it without the X, Mexico. Same with Cubans. They call it Cuba.

I don't know why they're changing the name of their own country. But you'll hear Mexicans go, welcome to Mexico. I'm going, you dropped a letter there, Pedro. Welcome to Cuba. Now, why did you say Pedro? Because that's a common Mexican name. Just like if I was here in America, you dropped a letter there, John. And I shouldn't say John because John has a silent H in it.

So you can't tell. The problem with John is you can't tell if I'm dropping. Because you can say John, and it's J-O-N. Or I could say John J-H-O-N. There's a lot of self-agre going on. The fact that you're... Wow, what a loser. You're criticizing people for dropping a letter

and then you pick a name that could drop a letter. Jahan. Or I could just enunciate a price say Jahan. Yeah. Or John. Jehan. When you said it, I saw no end. Right.

I saw no end. I saw no end. I don't know where we go from here. I think we just have to marinate for a bit. Now, how is this podcast going? If we were to stop and do sort of like a poll, in your opinion? I would say that my tip is probably up another K. Because I think it's going so well that the tip's probably going to be at least 2K.

Do you ever do a fist bump in the middle? Yeah. And then your, oh, I never do that part. No, no, no, no, no. No, no. I know it's Pride Month, but we don't do this. When you do a fist bump, Pride month, it's June.

It's June's Pride Month. It is? Don't pretend sitting there in your tight black shirt and your Elon Musk perfume and your fairy hand gestures. Oh my God. It just turned into double Pride Month.

If you fist button, like let's just do a regular fist month. Yeah, boom. It's hard. Because it means you take it seriously. Yeah, that's like, that's what a truck driver, It's a fist.

That's a masculine, dominant, like, boom. But I have to. But when you go, it's like you might as well be skipping around in Tinkerbell's underwear. Like, what's this stuff? What are you, a firefly? You're looking for a... It just feels like it's the right way to mock the fist bump. Oh, you're mocking it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. I thought you were trying to, like, accentuate it. No. Okay, so a fist bump is very similar to a punch. So if you got an a fist bump. fight and you punched a guy in the face after the punch would you go now that you mention it yeah you'd be kicked out of fight club so fast is that the

second rule of fight club oh they'd go right out of a fight club and right backwards into cock club there it is I did a cock show yeah I full disclosure I haven't seen wing stop yet and I intend to my movie wing stop yeah no wingman a wing man Yeah, wingman. That's why I couldn't find it. Wingstuff sounds like a delicious movie. Yeah, it sounds like that would be a good crossover. Oh, my God.

Yeah, the wingman stops being a wingman and just eats... He opens a wing stop. Yeah, he opens and eats chicken wings. Yeah. You haven't seen it yet? No, but I will. You will? Yeah, I am.

You'll rent it? You have my word. Oh, wow. You know, my buddy Michael Rosenbaum... Yes. Just texted me yesterday and told me he rented it in a... watched it and loved it. He gave me a glowing review and we're buddies like me and you are and he would not, he would not dress it up for me. And he really enjoyed it and he kind of pointed out, he gave me a

little critique. And I was so happy that a trusted voice in my life, a friend who's also a creative and an actor and someone in the business, because sometimes it's hard to please us because we know what's behind the curtain so much. But to have a friend give me an honest assessment and he prays on it, I was very warmed and it touched me. And the interesting part about this, a lot of people don't know this, but I originally wrote Wingman for Michael to play the lead of Wingman. And the early years of Wingman, it took us 16 years to get it made.

But the first like five or six years, he was a tag. He wanted to do it. Yeah. And he was going to be the wingman. And why didn't he? Over time, Michael, you know, our lives change and things. And I think he became a little more disenfranchised with acting. And he'd done a lot.

And I think he just wanted to sort of step away. He didn't have the passion for it anymore, which I respect. But I told him yesterday in my voicemail, I said, Michael, as much fun as I had playing wingman. Oh, so you were the lead. I had to be the lead by default. So what's that casting couch like? I go fuck myself. Yeah. You've been auditioning for this part for 50 years.

Well, here's the kinky part. I didn't do it on any old couch. I went to IKEA and bought a Nerg de Clarkton. And I fucked myself on that. And holy God. You're not only do you fuck yourself, you go to assemble it first. Yeah. And do all this work so you're already sweaty. Then you got to go fuck yourself. And then I got to file the lawsuit against myself because I got Weinstein. Have you ever been to an IKEA? Oh, yeah. You have. I love it. Do you get the Swedish meatballs at the halfway mark? This is what's hilarious.

I actually go there just to eat sometimes, and I'm not joking. And I remember back in the day when I first moved to L.A., I remember I was taking an acting class, and there was a girl in the acting class who fancied me. And she came over to my house in the middle of the day, and I said, oh, do you want to go for lunch? And I think she thought we're going to fool around and do this. I said, why don't we go for lunch? She's like, oh, great. and I said, have you ever been to IKEA?

I love the meatballs. And she just looked at me like she fell off the edge of the world. She just was like, are you serious? And I said, yeah, I love it. Like I was so naive and in it's like, I actually love the meatball. And I took her to IKEA and we had meatballs. That's great. And it was, I realized sort of almost immediately that she was sort of incensed,

but at the same time she liked me. So she went along with my meatball journey. Yeah. And I don't know if she enjoyed the meatballs, but I sure did. Yeah, and that's all that really matters sometimes. Yeah. You were sharing a party yourself. Walk me through what other menu items you like?

Okay, since you're asking. Yeah. Thank you. You're sort of like Michael. Thank you for wanting to, you know, be part of my life and turn things over. I like the little, I think they call them the lingungung berries, the little red berries that they put with the meatballs. Yes. You can buy them.

Lincoln Berry. Lincoln? Yeah, Lincoln. So they have a bullet hole in them. Yes. Okay. Yeah, don't eat them in the balcony, folks. Um,

uh, how was the play, Mr. Lincolnberry? It was delicious. By the way, they do look like, you know,

brain matter. Yeah, the meatballs. Yeah, tastes like it too. Meatballs and the red Lincoln bears. Yeah. It looks like Abraham Lincoln's last stand.

It's all gourmet. I was there the other day. It's all gourmet now. Yeah, they should just, Call it the Abe Lincoln platter. Would you like the ablinking platter, go to flaut and chie laugden?

You ever have the vegetarian or the vegan hot dogs where they put the crouts on it and everything? No, that's sacrilege to me. It's good. See, a vegan, if you don't know this, hot dogs are made of lips and assholes. And I've never seen an asshole or lips on a carrot, a rhubarb. They're not looking close enough.

Are you serious? Yeah. Wait. Yeah. Does a turn up have lips and an asshole? Listen to its name. Turn up. What do you think?

It sounds like one of those self-affirming things parents give their children. Turn up, Billy. You're a winner, which I can't relate to as a loser. Yeah. But is that true that hot dogs are made of? You're a worldly guy. I am. You hear that hot dogs are made of lips and assholes.

It's the leftover stuff, except for the kosher ones. That's made of better stuff. I wonder if they're made of lips and assholes and the fact that they're so pliable if you could bend a hot dog around and have it suck its own ass. It wouldn't, I was thinking, yeah, interesting. Well, we could try it. Could it lick its own ass? Like if you bent a hot dog around in a circle of meat.

What special did you do this on? This feels like the one when you're out in the desert alone. And if you could bend the hot dog. I mean, I'm ever feeling tonight at the comedy store, you'll be doing your prescription glasses. I tried to swallow it, and then you'll actually, like, eat them. Like, you should get edible glasses. There was somebody the other day had the glasses on in the green room,

was recording, and I had to say something. Oh, they had the record, those new recorder, yeah, well, I said he can't record. This is sacred, what goes on in here. At what club can you say? one of the big ones. Why can't you say? I don't want to say, but, you know,

we were having a pretty, Burk Chrysha was there, Tony Rock was there, like it was a big group. Comedy store. It was a big discussion. Comedy store. That should not be, it's,

the green room is sacred. Yeah, yeah. It's like anything goes. Yeah, and that's the comic sort of safe place where there's this, this vibe where everyone's, sort of communal and yeah. And we'll all say things that maybe we wouldn't say elsewhere.

Yeah, yeah. And we also have a friendship that we've had for decades. Yeah. People wouldn't know that. And so there should be no, in fact, every green room in the country does not have cameras. There's cameras outside the green room. There's cameras in the club. But it's sacred there.

Hey, gang, have you ever discovered you're still paying for a subscription service or you have ones you forgot about, you never canceled, or worse yet, sometimes you're paying double, twice, thrice, rice for all these subscriptions? Holy smokes. Well, this is why you need rocket money. Rocket money can track your subscriptions and has the ability to cancel those dirty, naughty, unwanted ones. There's an app and all you got to do is take a few little taps and you'll be saving some money. Rocket Money is saving users over $880 million in canceled subscriptions. They have this automatic transaction categorization across accounts, plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower. your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join RocketMoney.com slash Harland. That's RocketMoney.com slash Harland. RocketMoney.com slash Harland. Take it from the Rocket Man himself. Go get Rocket Money. Yeah, and I'm even to the point where I don't like to bring friends back there. Like if you're there with a girlfriend or a wife or a brother, a cut. Like, I'm very hesitant to bring people in because you're right.

That is sacred ground. That's the comic sort of safe place, isn't it? Yeah. So wait, so someone came into the green room and they were being very invasive. Did they tell you they had the camera or did you just pick up on it? I caught him. I caught. Ooh.

Scandalous. Bert was leading the discussion somehow it veered into drugs and alcohol. Okay. Compromising if you're saying something too revealing. Well, and, you know, I'm sitting right next to him. Shirt on or shirt off? Did Berta have his shirt on or shirt off? You know, he had a shirt on. It had a great discussion. I noticed this a lot. I notice I have a lot of great discussions with comedians in the green room. And I'm like, come on the podcast, but you can never recreate that because there's a freedom in the green room that never transfers onto the podcast.

What about today? I think we captured it. Yeah, I mean, but you and I have mutual respect. What? Are what? Our comedy. When did this happen? Well, you've always been,

Harlan's one of the few people that, you know, actually is nice and helps people. It's very rare. It happened to me, some guy from England helped me the other day. Oh, wow. I couldn't believe it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, it's good.

Like, you should. Like, you're just like shocked. You're like, what? And then he actually made the call and made the connection. I thought, wow, this is so rare. guy like you orney there's no downside because when we endorse someone of your caliber of your intelligence of your comedy level it it's just the you're selling greatness oh thanks there's no like you're not you're not like doing a snake oil show when it comes to orney like when i try to help you

i feel proud because i know i'm offering them the best so it's on them if they want it or don't want it. So you're that caliber of guy to me. Always have been. You do. I mean, you throw my name out there all the time and stuff like that. And I throw your name out, but you have to be doing. No, you're doing great now in your career. Now, wait, did it just start? Well, no, you've always been on steady, but, you know, lately. The loser's starting to levitate. Oh, look at this. The L is for levitate. Is that what we're saying? Clips of Harlan are showing up on my feet. Wow. Really? Oh, wow. Yeah. Good. And I go, there he is.

There's my friend doing well. And I always think, I wonder if he's still mentioning my name out there. Oh, yeah, always. Oh, good. I always do. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, always, buddy.

Because we both been busy. Like you had your movie. I shot my special. Yes, I want to talk about that. Okay. Because, you know, Ridsy, when I asked you to come over, I wanted to plug your special because I thought it was ready, but you said it's not yet. So without giving away too much, can you give us an update on your special? And by the way, Orney has amazing specials.

Before we get into the new one, tell them where they can see the existing ones. They're all on YouTube. Yeah. What's the name of them? More than Loud? Yeah. I put up there, I was, can I mention another podcast that was on? Yeah, of course.

Okay, so I did Mark Maren's podcast. Yeah. Oh, he has a podcast now? Oh, the old one. The old one, yeah. And it was about two years ago. In this special, I shot several years ago, it was on Showtime. And I thought it was so good.

Yeah. eventually Netflix is going to want to buy it for me. That, of course, never happened. I held it too long. I should have released it probably during COVID on YouTube. But I put it up and I thought I just want to get, I thought 25,000 views was a lot. Oh, it went a lot higher than that. Yeah.

What's it at? Close to $8 million. You know? Yeah. I was at the tapings. You were at the taping. I was at both tapings. Yeah.

And then my other one takes the third. That's up to, I might be over a million. million, two million. And so now I have this one. And in the old days, like Comedy Central would hire you to do a special or Showtime or Netflix. Now people like me and maybe you're in the same boat, you put out all the money. Yeah, you're on your own now. Yeah. Yeah. So I've put out almost 100,000, over 100,000. On the new one? On the new one? Does it have a name yet? Not. There's a working title. I'm not going to say it yet. Okay. Yeah. But So because I'm paying for it, I'll just edit it and just keep editing.

Like there's no deadline. Right, right. And, you know, all these favors came in. Yeah. My next door neighbor donated all the lights. The lights you told me about that. I was so cool. It's so cool.

And he's like a huge professional in the industry with lighting. Yeah, and I'll tell you off air more about that. Yeah. Because I don't know, you know, he's the top person. Yeah. And so it's just unbelievable people. And then the guy, Blaine Williams, my friend from Teen Wolf, was in charge of post-production. He was a supervisor, producer.

And he has been working for me, not asking for a dime. And he got me set up at Chainsaw, which is now called Saw. They edited Teen Wolf for all six seasons. And they let me edit in a bay there for three months. Wow. And I just had to hire an editor. So you edited underwater? We did it underwater.

Why underwater? You said you edited it in the bay. What kind of special? is this for mermaids? What are you doing? Land people want to see your comedy, too, guy. Horny. Where did you edit your chicken stop?

Your McNugget. McNugget man. Wing stop. Wingman. Where did you? Wingman? I said, Bay. So that's where your head, who could ever date you?

I'm being serious. Like, your head... A historian could. She comes in. She's all excited. God forbid she says the word bay. And now you've drifted off to like, you know, you're Montego or something, drinking rum with a, you know, a gaggle of women.

A historian could date me. Why? Why a historian? Because they date things. This is getting bad. You asked guy. Yeah. You asked hostage for whatever you are now.

Yeah. So anyway, so we, and then this guy came in and color corrected it. It looks unbelievable. It's a racist. No, you call me a racist and you had your special color corrected? Oh, these did not sound me good for you, my friend. Your brain is something else. Okay, so color correct.

I know it's going to look amazing. Yeah, I don't know if it's funny. Standing ovations, I already know the answer. You always do. They love, you're so good. I don't think it was my best night. And it drives me nuts. You always say that, though.

You're one of those kind of guys. You're like, but I'm already going to say it's going to be amazing. I didn't go to this one. I couldn't be there for this one. But I know it's going to be kidding. You don't deliver anything but great. And it's already too long. It's an hour and 20 minutes.

Yeah, I would cut it down. Nowadays, you almost have to. It's almost like if you have an hour and 20 minutes, I would release four 20 minutes specials if that's the math. Because as great as you are, People, dude, if George Carlin and Richard Pry were back, people tune out after about 12 minutes. I know. And that's not critical of you.

No, I know. But in a way, it's to your benefit because now you have like four specials. Yeah, but what do you do when you say something in minute five and you're saying it at minute 55? Right. You're doing a brilliant callback. And they just can't. There's not enough crowd shots to do cutaways. Yeah, that's a dilemma.

It's a dilemma. And also, it's like, it feels like one. piece, but I agree. Even when I watch it, I go, it feels like we should be, but you can't. But then, again, who cares? Maybe just cut it and nobody. Yeah, because people, the people who see part three aren't going to know that they missed part one. Or if people are dedicated to you and they watch part three, five months later, and they go, oh my God, brilliant. He did the callback to the thing I watched four months ago. Yeah. Like, nothing can make you look bad. So if it's little things like that versus

releasing it the way you want. It's got nothing to do with your delivery or comedy. It's got to do with the state of mind we're in as a society. People can't focus anymore. In fact, I said 12 minutes, 18 minutes, that might even be too long. That's the world we live in now. It's very challenging. But don't let that be a deterrent to what you will release

because even if you released it in five-minute increments, it's going to be killer. You're better than most people. out there, Orney. You're better than most comedians out there. I was on this night, but... You were. You were. I wish we could do, like, you know, when you go to a streaming service, it's a season. I wish there was a director's cut so I could release that and then do like a 49-minute one. And believe me, if a streaming service said, we'll take it, but cut it down, I would cut it down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I would release 49, the full special on YouTube at some point. So is it problematic to find someone to help destroy?

it now in this day and age we live in? Yeah. Meeting after meeting, after meeting of people just telling me it doesn't exist anymore. Just put it on on YouTube. One guy's like, why did you spend so much money? Just spend $20,000 and just shoot something

and put it on YouTube. Well, I love perfecting it. Like, I'm getting it as perfect as I can getting the color. I'm spending a fortune. Get it in the color right, the audio mix right, the music. Like, everything in the special makes sense.

Everything is color-coded. I'm wearing, like I painted the microphones, all the stuff on the stage, what I'm wearing is coordinated with it. It's a real look. I put a lot of time. So the viewer, I hopefully, looks at it and says, this is relaxing.

Like, everything is thought out. And the jokes are all thought out. Oh, yeah. You know how I do. Well, that's why you're so great because you're like, to me, you're like Breaking Bad. That show Breaking Bad.

It was one of the few television. series where everything tied together, everything had logic, but it was the ultimate entertainment. You loved it and you went, wow, I feel really like I went on this journey, like everything was meticulously crafted, but I was still immensely entertained. And you're capable of doing that with your work. And that's what makes it great. Well, thank you. Hey, gang, this episode is sponsored by Kalshi. Yes, indeed. Kalshi, the largest, market in the United States. Here's what makes Kalshi different. You are not playing against a house. Kalshi is peer-to-peer trading. You buy a yes or no contract on whether something will happen.

And you're trading directly against other users. Think of it like buying or selling his stock. The line isn't set by some algorithm working against you. It moves based on where the money goes. opinion sets the price. Right now in the USA versus Bosnia and Herznogiva match, USA Advances, is trading at 84%, meaning $100 trade pays out 119.05 with a correct prediction. And as that probably shifts, you can buy in or out of your position at any time to lock in a profit or cut a loss. CalC is CFTC approved, federally regulated, which is why it's available all across the country, including California and Texas. Download the Calci app and use code Soccer 10 and get $10 when you've trade $10. You can also sign up at calci.com backslash our backslash soccer 10, which auto applies the code at checkout.

K-A-L-S-H-I-K-L-S-H-I-K-S-H-I, Trade What's Next. Cal-Shee. That means a lot. You know, I admire your work a lot. I really do. I think what you do is masterful on stage, and I love watching it because you are you, and you're funny, and you're fearless. No, you're funny, you're funny.

Don't, we can be honest. And you're fearless, you don't care who you go on after. No. You know, you just. I like going on after big hitters. Yeah. Even you, like you, you get standing ovations. I'm like, put me on after Orney.

I like the challenge. And then you just do everything I just said. You just do all my material right after me, which is funny. Yeah. Yeah. And then one night you did that at the comedy store and then somebody hit me up on Instagram going, you know, you're doing all the Harlan stuff. I'm like, I was on first.

I don't know if you saw that. But you came out and go, that's my writer, Orney Adam. which is comedy is so much fun but there's so many people policing it that don't understand it and that's a problem like the comics are going to police the comics

if Orney is stealing from Harlan Harlan's stealing from Orney the comedy community knows we know who's problematic Oh yeah yeah So your comedy is it's unbelievable I love watching you and what you do

And you know when I do comedy now I veer off a lot on the cockledri-low. And it's really, it's funny. There's funny, there's a lot of, like, looking around, there's a lot of in-the-moment laughter. And when I videotape it, I'm like, I wish my special was more like this. But then when I watch it, the tape from that night, I go, no, this wouldn't hold up. People would tune out. Like, you have to sort of like, you've got to be fast. You've got to be in their face. What you do on stage locally is you meander. And you, you, this is the tragedy of comedy specials.

you get into a zone, you create an ambiance, you create an atmosphere when you're just live and in person. But the audience watching it through a camera lens on their screen, that doesn't translate. Not at all. With stand-up, it's just boom, boom, boom, boom, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. It's hard to meander. Yeah. And you're absolutely correct. And I would say the meandering shows are better because you get the meandering and you get all that other stuff.

stuff as well. Yeah. And when you meander, you can risk losing them. When you've got $100,000 on the line, you've got 8K cameras and jibs and lighting that's brought in. You can't risk losing them. Well, I submit to this as well, when you're meandering, I think it's fun to lose them. Yeah, I agree. For us, seasoned guys like me and you, you lose them. And in the back of your head, you're like, oh, don't worry. Yeah. I'm coming back in about a minute and 12. seconds. I'm coming back fully charged. I know it, but you don't. You think I've drowned, and it's so empowering when you meandering, and you know you're coming back and it's gone quiet and they're on, it's like, oh, it was funny for a bit. And then you know you've been

saving it or you've just been structuring it. You've been building the lasagna, knowing that at the end it's going to be delicious and they're going to be full. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. I love watching you when that happens. I love when it happens to me. Anybody, yeah. But not everybody has that skill set. No, that takes, I'm going to say that's something that definitely takes time. Like, that's something that when I was beginning, I thought I hope I can do that one day, but it's decades of understanding yourself, understanding the art form, understanding people, audiences that you have to arrive there. And I think that's what makes it even more delicious is because you know you've got that in your toolbox to do it.

And you have to acquire it. It's not looking down on anyone else, but even the greats had to find those gears. Yeah. Yeah. And you've got so many different gears. I've seen you walk on stage and just like push a piano down at the improv. They have a grand piano for some reason because comedy and orchestral instruments go so well together.

But Orneill just, this thing is on wheels and he'll just like push it and walk. and walk around, and it'll be like a minute, a minute and a half before you even say your first word. It's like, it's so fun. Well, I mean, why is there a piano on this? It takes up a third of the stage.

I know. It's like if you were to house and you didn't play piano, and it took up a third of the house, you'd get rid of it. And by the way, have you ever seen one comedian in the history of comedy with a grand piano? No.

Like, that's like going on a comedy stage and there's an elephant. Like, why is this here? But somehow it's an, acrament to the improv stage here in Hollywood. It's their branding. Sometimes, sometimes if I don't like the comedian before me, then I'll get up on stage and just purposely be flat for like minutes. Yeah. And really just reshape them, reset them, and then go, okay, now we're back. And that's the skill set that seasoned guys really have to learn how to do it. It's like when you're a chef, you learn how to

throw dishes together, but as you get deeper in your career, you know, accents and spices and how long to cook things and sear them versus, you know, marinating them. It's all about recipe, man. And that's the other thing when you're shooting a special, because when you're doing your act on the road, let's say you're doing an hour, right? Or more, whatever it is, we'll just say you're doing an hour. You have to, at times, let the audience breathe and break. So you sort of break from it all and you sort of like, you know, regroup, but you can't do that on a special. You got to just, you got to go A, B, C, D, get to Z, get to Z.

Especially today, yeah. And it sucks because that's the fun is sort of breaking the character from. And also when I go on stage when I'm doing just a live show, I have no idea where I'm going. In fact, sometimes when I'm walking out, I think I'm going to say something. And then three feet later, I'm just saying something completely different. I'm like, what just, I don't even know what happened. I love that.

Yeah. That's just the raw. comedy in you like saying trust me trust me yeah and you walk on stage because you know no matter what's about to come out you're gonna find a way to make it work but what's what's also great about an act like harlan is you're so different from the other acts on the stage that like so many times i go to a club and it's like oh wow here we go another person talking about this the same sort of cadence same sort of whatever or i look at i look at and i'm not i'm just saying every performer. I don't care if it's a rock musician. I don't care if it's a painter,

whatever it is, I look at them and I'm like, is that who they are? Is that their soul? Right, right, right. To me, you read real. I know you. So it is, it is real. Yeah. And it's interesting. So, and you're getting laughs. Yeah. Which is cool because I see people trying to do gimmicky stuff and it doesn't read true. Yeah, yeah, that's true. And that again is, is time. I think it's, it's, it's, it's maturing and letting your self cocoon yourself. But nobody's taking the time to develop anymore. Yeah, because things happen so fast.

They happen so fast. I was watching that Martin Short documentary. Oh, yeah. And I was so impressed with the amount of time that he put in to develop these characters and who he was. A genius. And now people want to make a video

and who can blame them. Yeah. I'm going to make a video and sell out an arena. up. Yeah. Let's do it. Oh yeah. If you can do it, do it. And, you know, all the gears are changing. And, you know, I don't fault it. I don't besmirch it. I go, this is the evolution of entertainment. It's like at one point we had silent films and then we had talkies and then we went from black and white to color to digital now to AI. And it's like we can't stop it. We can't stop art forms. And they might not evolve to where we're used to them or where we like them or we want them to be, but I get excited by the new iterations of it all, and I go, okay,

how do I fit in? How do I wear this overcoat? How do I adapt? Yeah, you've always been adaptable. Yeah, Gary Shandling was like that too. Oh, yeah, Gary. Always would consult with younger people and see what was on the horizon. Oh, good. I find it frustrating because we're like digitally disadvantaged. We didn't grow up with the editing skills and the shooting skills. I, of course, Like when I look at my TikTok videos and stuff, like I do these videos where I just open up a watermelon and I just talk about stuff. And they get like hundreds of thousands of views.

Wow. And sometimes I show up on my own feed. And I'm like, look at it. Hot chicks dancing. You know, guys jumping off of roofs. I'm like, who's this old guy opening a watermelon? Like who's stopping there? Yeah, it's disarming.

With all the options. Who's stopping at the only Adams page? They go watch eight lions disembats. a owl a zebra instead. Oh, here's a middle-aged white guy opening a watermelon. Yeah, yeah. It's just, it's hard. It's hard, but you just got to put faith in it and know that, you know, at the end of the day, it's not about demographic. It's about humor. And if you're delivering something funny and it gets people's funny bone, but you can't control what's going to hit and what's not. So you just, you throw it into the slipstream and let it meander and go with the current and

hope that it's touching someone. Yeah. That's all. I'll put a button on the special. I want to know if you are going to shoot a special or have. You know, so now I have this. I have this property that I own 100%. I'm the only one that worked on it the entire time. So people that were involved early on are no longer involved, you know, for whatever reason. Yeah.

And that happens. Yeah. And it's me. I'm in charge. I knew, I should have known the night when it was all wrapped and nobody knew what to do with the hard drives that had all the Oh, God, that's scary. It's scary as shit. Oh, hard drive.

What do you mean in the hard drives? We're all going to get drinks over at BJ's. Well, what about the hard drive? Well, they'll be there tomorrow, won't they? Like, I know, it's scary. I had that with Wingman. My feature movie, they're like, uh, who's got the hard drives? Yeah.

Like, wait, what? You mean the whole movie? Who, who's got him, Tim, or is it Dimitri? I don't know. I think Carl has, like, yeah, the laissez-faire attitude of this stuff. And if they're gone, your whole thing's gone. There's $100,000. Yeah.

Gone. Our whole movie was like riding on someone remembering where the hard drives were sitting. It's bizarre. They had to, like, first of all, they're shot on a camera and on these like internal hard drives. Then they have to be transferred. Right? It's a process. By a professional that makes sure that frame for frame gets transferred properly.

Yeah. Right? That person left in the middle of the job and just left the theater. So we're like, where's the guy with all the. original media. Then we had to get it from him and have somebody else do it. And we also noticed that he wasn't using that software because it generates a report. So finally, after three days of it with some stranger that I don't know in his probably

apartment, manic, where is it? Oh, God. It gets delivered to me. Now there's just one copy, right? So then I then spend a week copying it onto different hard drives and driving it over to people's houses, you know, getting it to my parents out of state. So if there's a fire, so this whole project has been like, do you think I knew anything about, like, I know how to edit, but I didn't know about, like, onlineing the project when it's done and how to, like, every, like, because you're

edit in the proxy, the low-res media, and then it has to be upload, and that's another person that online's it. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. It's like a bartender having to know every drink. Like, make me this, make me that. You, your brain's like. You, you're, you're, you're all these steps. I'm doing all the contracts for the music and it's great. It's great. And negotiating with friends that are like, hey, I'll do this for free. And then they're not quite doing it for free. They're not. Yeah. It's a lot. I have learned that you just can't really depend on it. Like I lost, I lost a lot of my soul in this process. Wow. You know, I just. Well, I wouldn't say that because I know you just hearing and seeing the passion, you injected a lot of soul. And

to it. I'm going to go with the glass half full. You've probably lost it due to the stress and the calamity and the uncertainty, but putting yourself into your project with your craft, with your ability, you really added soul to it, I'm sure. Yeah, but at the same time, to have this realization that people that you thought were there for you, that aren't there for you, and that just, you know, and then to have meetings now when everyone's like, yeah, nothing's going happen with it. You're not getting on Netflix. You're not getting on Hulu. No, you're, you know, that's just, that ain't happening. You know, just put it up on YouTube. Yeah, this is the world we live in now where now you've got to get creative and figure out what the outlet is. Yeah. And maybe you

don't recoup 100,000, but maybe you recoup like a million new fans. I don't know the answer. And that's what makes everything a bit of a wild west we're living in right now, which is exciting, but also flummoxing. It's discouraging. And your special is sort of right in that kind of crossing of the ships, the old way and the new way. Yeah. And it's sad, but it's also exciting.

And I think you'll find the answer, because at the end of the day, what's there is that material, and it'll be so good that it'll find its way into the zeitgeist. But, yeah, things are really in a state of kind of flux. right now. And I noticed like audiences right when we were about to shoot it, like everyone was scared about the world and they weren't going to as many shows and weren't buying tickets. And people don't laugh like they used to laugh. Yeah, it's different. It's different. Yeah. And I'm like,

this is just different. And also I shot it in Southern California and I do shows every week in Southern California so a lot of people already know me. Yeah, yeah. And so there was so many things going on. And I was never concerned about the money whether I recoup it to me. It's more important that it gets out there. Yeah. And the fans have donated money. You know, people have contacted me. That's great. Russell Peters made a major donation and other people.

Great Canadian guy. And wingman, by the way, Russell Peters. Another reason I'm going to watch it. Oh, good. Yeah, he's great in it. He's the real deal. Oh, he's so good in it. He, not to step away from the special room,

but he does so many great improv lines. And he really stepped up and really surprised me with his, his comedy in Wingman. It was so good to have him there. He's genuinely funny. Yeah. And a good person. Yeah.

And supportive. Like supportive. And also hates the right people and hates the aspects of the business. There's no fluffing. You know, he'll be real. Yeah. Well, he's a guy that's at a high level and he's got a good eye for cutting through what's good and what's not. And you do that when you get seasoned, shall we say.

Yeah. Well, Arnie, when the special comes back, because initially we talked about having you here because I thought it was on. So this is the preemptive pre-promo. This should get people excited about it. It will. And so when the special comes out, hopefully in the next few months or five, six months, whenever, you got to come back. We'll show clips. We'll pump it up.

But today we're going to get down to our final segment. Well, what about you and a special? I'm just curious. Because at one point, you and I talked about shooting. a special on the same night or the same venue? Well, I'm going to sound very cocky and snobby maybe, but I've been the opposite of special. I feel like there's so many specials,

and this isn't against anyone, this is just my, I feel there's such a saturation of specials. I've done about, I don't know how many 10 specials in my career. I see how they're being handed out. yours on your own. I just have no passion to do a special. I almost, I almost feel like I, I thought you were going to say you got a deal with Netflix. No, no. Oh, so relieved. I'd go so, I've even said out loud, if they approached me, I don't even know that I'd, I'd want to do a special with them because I'm, there's just something about them or I don't feel

they're outside of guys doing them on their own. I don't know if I feel they're sincere or they're, I don't know. I agree with you 100%. There's something that, it just doesn't, feel the same as it used to. I don't. I don't think they represent mine. Don't wholly represent me as a comedian. I feel like the live experience is totally different. I feel like, yeah, sometimes talking about doing a special feels dated. There are a million and it's changed. Like on the way over I was thinking about like the first time I did the Tonight Show. Yeah. I did David Letterman. The comedy world could, they stopped. I could walk into any club, any city in New York City. I'm doing Letterman tomorrow night. They're like, come on in. Yeah. Now they could give a show.

shit. Yeah. And it's not about ego. It's just about it's changing. I agree. And I'm not against change. I actually love it, embrace it. Even if it doesn't benefit me or help me, I like the challenge of finding my way into the drift and figure, am I still even worthy? Am I part of it? Can I manage it? Can I manipulate it? Can I, that's kind of what keeps your blood moving, man. You know what I love? You're another person telling me I shouldn't have done a special. No, no, no, no, no. No, no. I don't disagree.

No, I'm not saying you shouldn't have. Because I believe in the long form of telling the story from A to Z. And maybe, okay, so let's say I put it out, and only a thousand people, but they're hardcore, and that's what they love. Right. There's something to that, too. Well, you're also a guy in the game who's in that small percentile who's really, not that anyone else isn't worthy of a special.

But to me, in all sincerity, you're in the upper echelons of people who should have a special. Because you know how to do it. You know how to your craft speaks volumes. And so you're a guy that should be in that space. And so I hope this thing gets out there and you deserve it. And just go watch as other specials, folks, and you'll know immediately, you know. But, or any, so you'll come back when we, anytime. Whatever the outcome is, whether.

it's on YouTube or on Netflix, we'll plug. And I'm glad we got together and did this again because it's been a while. And, you know, I was going through something. I was in, you know, you saw it. I couldn't even walk, you know. Well, you were almost kidnapped. I was almost kidnapped. And I just, I might kidnap you later tonight.

What's your address? You know where it is. You've dropped a pen. Oh, my God. So this is our final segment. This is called Words from a Wooden Shoe. You've done it before. I know.

This is why people tune in. Yeah, you reach in. Mm-hmm. And you pull out a random word. and see if it triggers a story from your journey in life. Okay, I don't like the one I picked. I haven't even seen it. Oh, what is it?

Well, I mean, it's, it's, old, should I say what it is? Yeah. Old person's story. Oh, wow. Okay. So do I tell a story about me being old? It can be about you. It could be someone you met.

It could be a friend of yours who told you anything, anything at all. It just has to involve an old person. Hmm. And don't say me, because I'm only 18. I'm an 18 year old loser. Can it be like a bit that we do? It can be whatever you want. Yeah.

Okay. As long as it pertains to, you don't want to cross up the wooden shoe. You don't want to be cursed. So as long as it's about an old person. Now, is this, is this like anybody else ever done this story? No, every, every, there's only one time the words from a wooden shoe that we throw them out after someone's picked. Yeah. Let me do that for you now.

You can swallow it if you want that. Oh, okay. Oh, my God. You just swallowed it. an old person. Okay. So who's the oldest friend that you have?

My uncle, my uncle Bill, he's 103. Okay. Do you just, you're just waiting for him to expire? I'm not waiting.

I'm not sitting by the phone going, oh God, is he still with us? Yeah. But no, I mean, at that age, you wonder,

you know, when's the phone going to ring, but this guy's healthier than most, like, this is going to sound funny,

this guy's healthier 70-year-olds. Yeah. He still lives on his own. He still functions. He still thinks. He's quick.

He goes and gets his own groceries. He lives alone. 103. Unbelievable. He just gave up his driving license like a year and a half ago. Well, you should have done that a long time ago. Yeah. Yeah.

I have a friend who's 99. Well, he was 99 when we met. No way. So he was in Get Smart? He was 99 years old. And then he asked me, he would always ask me, for favors. And one day I was over there and he asked me to help him do his taxes. And I said, why don't we take this year off? What's the worst thing that happens? You get audited? You'll be dead.

They'll show up. You'll be decomposing, right? So, you know, I said, why don't you take this year off? And I think it upset him. So I sort of would call him and email him and I wasn't hearing back from him. and then he turned 100 and I got an invite for a party but I wasn't really here but I just I just assumed he died because right I don't know anybody in his life so at a 101 almost 102 the phone rings and it's his caller ID and I thought oh it's going to be somebody in the family telling me oh yeah passed on and I I swear to God I hope he left me something you know what I mean yeah of course like I've asked to be in your will I'm very open about yeah yeah yeah any never will be but no you said you put you me in it. Well, that's before I knew you were kidnapped. No, no, no, I'd like something. Okay. I mean, you have plenty of money. Like you said, we're going to die with money we don't need. I have a feeling you're going to die before me. So, just, it'd be nice if there was a reading of a will. You're in. You're in. I mean, if Rosenblum or whatever's name is, gets in because he had a good favorable movie review, you know. Rosenblum. So I pick up the phone thinking I'm getting the death

notice, right? And it was him and I go, I go, where you've been? And he said, well, to be honest with you, I was mad at you, so I didn't return your calls. And I'm like, I got ghosted by a hundred and one year old. I go, you're too old to be fucking around. You're going to be dead soon. You're going to be a ghost. You can ghost me for real. Yeah. Yeah. But can you imagine being a hundred and holding a grudge for that long? Boy, boy. It's crazy. Ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love, I love, I do like older people. I, I have more respect. Younger people hate us.

They hate us. They do. Oh, yeah, Gen Z hates us. Not me. They love me. They do. Because I'm a loser. They're not threatened.

No. They're not threatened by a loser. You're a winner. You just said the wrong loser. That's what I mean. You're winning right now, Harlan. This is your time. It's all, it's all, it's reverse psychology.

This is your time. I tell them I'm a loser, but inside I'm really winning. Yeah. Does anybody else? I'm the most winning loser you've ever met. Now, you've done, you've done well. Does anyone else what? Has anybody bombed on the clog thing?

I mean, I don't feel like I lived up to. I wish there was something like that really got me. There was someone, I forget who it was, but they couldn't come up with anything. And so they had to pull another word. I can't remember who it was. It was recently. It might have been Stevo. Mm.

But yeah. Really? Yeah. But there's no bombing. There's no rule for the wooden clog. You know, it's just, it's whatever it triggers, it's a, you know. Is there another wooden clog somewhere in the house or just a single? It's out in the garage, actually.

And what's the store? Where did the clogs come from? So the second time I was doing David Letterman, I had a friend. I was having a barbecue. My beautiful model friend Laura said she was going to Holland. Yeah. And I said, oh, well, you're there. I'm doing Letterman in like six weeks.

While you're there, buy me a pair of wooden clogs, the hollow with the little curve on the tip. Yeah. This is actually one of them, obviously. That is, in the shoe business, when it curves up like that, we call that Peronis disease. It is? Okay. So what, you have Italian feet?

No, if you have a curvature in your penis, it's Peronis. I thought that was called a Bentley. No. You call your penis Lee? I call it a Bentley. Okay, so let's... So anyways, I said to where I said, I knew I was going on Letterman, and I always like, to goof around. I always

like to feel silly when I go out because funny equals silly to me. So I said, when you're there, pick me up a size 10 and a half wooden clogs. She did. So these are authentic from Holland. And sure enough, I went on Letterman

my second time. I wore a beautiful purple suit. Made in China. And wooden clogs. Made in China. No. Yeah, can you imagine. How true to size are they? Are the 10 and a half's the same beer? And I walked out and I just sort of crossed my legs and I was wiggling my foot. I didn't say anything to Dave.

And I'm just sitting there. We're chatting and he just looked at me and goes, Harland, it appears you have a wooden footwear on your feet. And it just went from there. Oh, that's funny. It just, I'm all about when you do something where it's a big audience where it can be tense, I feel like spiritually comedy-wise, I can break, I can break. I can break any anxiety by feeling silly.

And I love to surprise. And was he good with it? Oh, he loved it. I just did Rogan last week, and I wore a pair. I was on for three hours, and underneath my pants, I bought these $600 prosthetic rubber legs. They look like Mr. Universe. And I wore them for, I went in wearing them.

They didn't know. And I had them there just waiting for the opportunity to pull down my pants. But I just, I love that kind of stuff. How real did they look? They look extremely real. Yeah, because he thought they were your real legs. Oh yeah, they even, they have veins in them, everything.

They're, they're very realistic. Now, why can't we pull words out of that? Out of the fake legs? Yeah, yeah. That's a good, it's a little sweaty in there. Yeah, and a little soupy. Who did the artwork, the Billy above your eye? I just ordered on Amazon like one of those rub-on tattoos.

I just went in the bathroom and put it out in five seconds. You got a wash collar. It's so fun because I was watching the, I know you well. So I was watching it. Okay. And it said, you know, you said, my kid, I had a kid. My kid died. And, you know, his name was Billy.

And I'm like, I was already there. I knew where this was going. Oh, I didn't need to see this. Like, oh, here we go with Ireland. And it's fun. Do you think he appreciates the work you put into? I think we have a real good laugh together. Yeah.

It's a real fun kind of. dynamic between us. Yeah. And I love it and I think he really enjoys it. And so yeah, I just love to do that stuff. And it's such a diversion from what his shows normally like. So I think it's cool for his audience. Yeah, I think people really enjoy it because it's not as,

it's not so serious most of the time. There was, there was, so I read the comments underneath. Okay. You know, secretly hoping for some negative ones. So I feel better about myself that, that you want a big podcast. And I wasn't. A loser. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was all, everybody had nice things to say, and there was one negative comment that made no sense at all. Oh, really? That's good. It said, Harlan isn't funny, which is absurd. Yeah. So let's get that out. His whole career, he's been trying to be funny like Norm MacDonald. Yeah.

I'm like, you're not even close to like, it's like when people compare me to comics. Yeah. I'm like, we're not even in the same realm. Like, you're not... Well, that comment, by the way, I called my dad that night and said, what the hell, dude? Why do you write this stuff?

Yeah. I'm your son. You want to know something? Why? It was Norm. Yeah. Norm's... No, but I just thought, you know,

one negative and it's that. It just doesn't... It's all right. It doesn't matter. It's about... It's like I said earlier, you just do the comedy and see where it drifts. Yeah.

And people hate it. They like it. They're in between. But you just got to, you know, we've been blessed with the desire to do this, so we just do it. And you don't know. You don't know. You don't know if that guy, if it's personal. Like, if I were to guess, he's probably dating the chick you brought to IKEA for meatballs.

It's all she could talk about are in the Swedish meatballs you have with Harlan. He's like, oh, this is the guy. Oh, my God. This is the guy. Meatball Sally from Burbank. But I didn't mean to bring up a negative comic because it drove me nuts, but it was like, it was the overwhelming support love you got. Yeah.

Because I know you don't read them. I don't, I don't, I don't, I let negativity just wash over me. Because it's not from a point of view that I don't have an ego, but I look at it in terms of who got up there and did it. Like let's say Scorsese does a movie and they're like, this is a shit, this is a shit. Well, you weren't up at seven in the morning for nine months. out in the cold shooting and doing shot lists and storyboarding

and wrangling actors and doing makeup. You just made a comment. It really has no validity. You're entitled to your opinion, but you didn't do anything to earn that criticism. Plus, you don't know if the take you wanted to use was soft and out of focus. The audio didn't work on that take.

You don't know if the studio said, cut this scene, go this way. There's so much. There's so much involved that you would never know. And I thought that the first time I was on the tonight, show, I said, I'll never criticize anybody that's on this because it is so more involved than I could ever imagine. And most things in life are. And that's why, you know, comments, whether they be good or bad or easy to make. And so you just keep doing what you do. Yeah, it sucks, so,

because I want to read the comments, but I can't give any weight to the positive comments if I don't give weight to the negative comments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's, the point is they're commenting, they're watching, they're being affected by what we're serving up and good or bad, we're stimulating their nerves, we're stimulating the human psyche, and we're getting stuff out there for people to consume and hopefully enjoy. Yeah. And speaking of consuming and enjoying, before we go, please plug anything, your comedy dates, anything else you want to mention to the fans watching.

I have nothing to plug. I'm being honest. Do you have a toaster? there's a microwave out there can i plug that in yeah yeah i plugged that in you want to plug the microwave i keep my appliances plugged in i just i uh i hope you enjoy harland's comedy when he's in your city i encourage you plugging me i encourage you to go see me yes go ahead i'm using this plug yeah for me if you if you're between filling up your tank with gas yeah and eating or going to see harlan williams go see harlan williams if he's in your city it's

It's an experience. Can I offer you a little, yeah, if you want to see a real loser, no, no, no, no, I disagree with that. I'm not even going to play along. Not even going to play along. You're a sugar daddy.

Folks, that's it for today. Buddy, how do we do? Keep it. Really? Keep it. It's a part of Harlan Highway history. This is my tip?

Yes. A thousand pesos. You should Google how much a thousand pesos are. It's more than you think. Really? Yeah. Yeah, it's just I'm not going back to Mexico, so keep it. Yeah, if you go back, you're never coming back.

Yeah. But we hope you come back and we hope you come back. That's it for today, folks, on the Hala Highway Podcast. Until next time, chicken chowman and keep on laughing, you crazy mixed up losers. I mean, winners. I mean, what am I? A winner. Chicken dinner.

Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message? It's from me, yours truly. It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com.

And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.