The Harland Highway - PAULY SHORE RETURNS- with third eye crust!

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

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Hey, everybody. How are you? Holy Lord of the Locust Children. Somewhere in the world tonight, there's children, homeless children in fields with locusts jumping and landing on their eyes and lips and laying locust eggs with their long, springy locust legs. So holy land of the locust children. But before we get started on today's podcast, which is a great The great Polly Shore is going to be here. I have to take a moment, a beautiful moment to just share with you for a minute, all my viewers, whether there's eight of you or 3,000, well, here's the thing, 90,000 subscribers.

We just crested 90,000 subscribers to the Halahua podcast. And, you know, I just can't even express. you how beautiful that is, how moved I am, how much it means to me, that you guys would tune in, that you would take the time to subscribe, that you would show your love and want to be part of this and support it and watch it grow and invite me into your world every week with a podcast. If we can call it that, let's be honest, we're right at the line here, everybody. But I want to thank you, you guys watching, you guys and girls, Carol Carrot Cake Johnson down there in Philadelphia and Paul Plumberlips,

the guy with the fungus on his mouth and even Billy Barnacle Buns, the sailor boy that lives down by Worcestershire Sauce Bay. All of you. And I can't name all of you by name, but you know who you are. So I want to say thank you from the bottom and the top of my whole heart. I want to say thank you for encouraging me to keep going with this, to help me know that this is something you guys want. It's something I love doing.

And just know that every subscriber, every time someone subscribes, it's amazing. I'm honored. I'm touched. And I just wanted to say, say thank you. And also I wanted to thank all the sponsors that we've had that have come on board here and there to help, which is great.

I also want to thank the other podcasters out there in the world that have been so supportive and have had me on their podcast and have come on to this podcast, Bobby Lee and the Tiger Belly podcast. uh, Andrew Santino from, uh, his podcast and, and bad friends. Um, Joe Rogan. I just was on Joe Rogan and had such a great time with Joe. He had such a laugh. It was such a weird, wild time. Joe's been so supportive. Um, uh, Blind Date with Lauren Compton. Um, uh, the Legion of Skanks, Ian Fadantz, who else? You might be garbage.

So many, so many great people have had me on their podcasts, and it's just been a huge help. And I just want to say thank you to all those people that have been so cool and helping bring eyes to this and kill Tony. Oh my God, the Tony Hinchcliffe. and the whole crew at Kill Tony, oh my God, that's been like a world I didn't even know about and suddenly I'm in the mix having the time of my life

and Tony's been so amazing and so supportive and just all the podcast community. So thank you to everyone, everyone involved. I know I'm rambling a bit, but I feel it's important to acknowledge all of you and say thank you. I mean, we started at 2,000 subscribers two years ago, and now we're inching our way to 100,000.

And that doesn't just go by me, okay? I may have no chin. I may have big ears. I may not be aerodynamically put together well, but none of it goes by me. I'm very, very grateful, moved, and thank you so much, everybody. So with that out of the way,

I want to remind you that we do have a beautiful calling number. every now and then I do a show where I take your calls. So 323-696-0-2-2-2-2-2. That's 3-2-6-9-6-0-2-2-2. You can call in, leave a message. You can be silly. You can be serious. You can be profound.

You can be poetic. You can be whatever you want. We obviously can't get to all the calls, but I do listen to each and every one of them. And we handpicked the ones that I think I can have fun with. but please, please call in and nothing is off limits. Just don't let them go too long because we can't air them if they're too long. We're kind of, you know, tight for time. But love to hear from you guys who've been getting some great calls.

And every 10 or 12 episodes or so, I'm going to do one of the phoning calls. So that's it. I just really wanted to say thank you. and it means so much. If you haven't subscribed yet, please, please get on the train, the Holland Highway podcast train, hit that subscribe button

and help us get up to that 100,000 mark. I think one of the reasons I want to get there is I think YouTube sends you a silver plaque or something. Can you imagine a silver plaque hanging here? You could look at a plaque on my wall instead of a plaque on my teeth. Okay, I just burned myself. That was not smart.

But that's it, folks. A little ramble here. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for everything. And now without further ado, a do, do, do. Let's get in to the show, the Harland Highway podcast. Love you guys. Thank you.

And I'm going down to the Amazon. Have you ever been to the Amazon River? I know, but I order shit on Amazon. well you don't order a river every time you look at the fucking audience you know what you're thinking well you're thinking this guy's a fucking idiot and i don't like that shit how did you know because i see what you're doing you're looking at the camera going oh look at this fucking asshole that's not fucking cool dude every time i go da da da da you're like look at this fucking idiot that's not fucking cool dude i'm not doing it for me i'm doing it for them yeah i know but

they don't they don't need to know that i think they need to know you're a fucking idiot That's important, guy. I'm here to... That's sure. I'm so sorry. That's okay. That's okay. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

All right. Hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Do you want to wear? You can use your headphones? I might for part of it. Part of it. It's kind of bisexual now.

Part I'm into the... Yeah, part I'm into the headphones and part of what? So part you like to give head and part you don't. Mostly I don't, but sometimes I do. So right now I don't. I'm not wearing your fucking headphones. I've seen the guests that you have on here, dude. They're kind of dirty.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so I don't know where those fucking headphones have been. I don't need to see me. Turn me off. I don't like that. You don't want to see yourself? No, I don't want to see that, dude.

Why? Because I don't want to think that there's cameras rolling. If I see myself, then I'll know cameras are rolling. What if you pretend you're looking in a mirror? I don't want to. fucking look at myself. But what if you say Rapunzel, Rapunzel, who art

thou, who art the fairest in the land or whatever that is? And then you can look in a mirror. Who's the fairest of them all? You could say that. That's true. So then what I'll do is I have you go back and turn it back up again.

Okay. Okay. Jeez. Hang on, let me fix my wig. You know, I have a wig, right? Let's just start the show, dude. You know, I wanted to start the show with a question.

because you always look sort of tired. You always look a little beat up, a little like you've been under a bridge with a Ralph's bag around your head or something. You don't know what's going on in my fucking head. Well, apparently groceries, if you've got a Ralph's bag over your head. That's true.

But talk to me about Pauly Schwartz's sleeping habits. The sleeping habits of Pauly Schwer. Yeah. How do they work? What are they? They're difficult. Talk to me, Schwar. what's going on i think you know there's a thing called anxiety yeah you know that kind of that i try to

deal with every day yeah um you know it started i think 20 years ago you know with polly shore is dead when i did that why are you looking over there i'm right fucking here i know but when you said you were dead i pictured myself at your funeral like laughing i mean putting flowers on your grave yeah no it started um It started 20 years ago when I produced and direct and started and financed my old film. And I started doing all this stuff. So then that's when it kind of started. So it's just been like, you know, I don't know, you know. Like when you sometimes, sometimes like, you know, because here's the thing.

And this is, it's true. And I'm glad you asked the question. Okay. Thank you. We, we as performers. Yes. We go out there. We tell our jokes.

Yeah. You know, and then we come back and we put our head on our pillow. Yeah. At night. At night. At night. And then your head starts to go like this. It's hard to just like, it's hard to just like turn it off and boom, boom. Yeah.

You know, like for me, I like to watch CNN. I like to watch Fox News and I go to Netflix. While you're asleep. And I'm looking at my Instagram and I'm looking at Twitter and I'm like, I got all this shit going on. So. No wonder you have anxiety. It sounds like there's a blender of multi. media in your head like a like a new smoothie going on like rachel maddo and uh you know

bill o'reilly swirling around in your head like that witch and wizard of oz on the bicycle i'm tucker carlson he he he's not on fox anymore he's he's doing his own thing doesn't mean you have to bust in here and ruin my podcast yeah but um yeah i think that's everybody's biggest challenge. Everybody's biggest challenge is to put your, you know, you have your life and you lie on your pillow at night. Your pillow?

Well, I meant to say pillow, but it came out weird. It's kind of like almost like a farcy. Pilo. Pilo. Pilo. Sounds like a little Greek boy. So yeah. So, yeah. So, come in for your Tatsiki, Pilo. Like that type of thing?

Next question. You had, you had that question. You still want to talk about it? Well, what I are you fucking around no because i look at you and i think everyone else watching wants to know when you sleep you make it i feel like i look at you and you make like salamander noises while you sleep mostly um what is that right there behind you is that a salamander no that's a frog okay so it's mostly rib it how does it go that's i'm looking at him right there and i'm like oh shit like that's the type of noise he's like it's it's all coming it's all coming together now dude i'm never Ribbit, ribet, ribet, ribet, yeah, yeah, ribet.

When you, someone told me when you sleep, you blow bubbles with your eyes. Is that true? Who says that? Some of the folks around town? Yeah, sometimes. Wow, dude. So ribbit, ribbit, bubbles. Yeah, yeah.

And tell me about, and we both have this issue. This isn't just you. Talk to me about eye crust. Do you get a lot of it or if you do what kind of shit? Sometimes it crusts, like it starts like right here. in the corner in the corner yeah and then it builds all the way and then once it builds halfway then this one starts to build and then sometimes it crusts like over like that and then what I do from there is I get this citrus juice yeah and I pour it in there and it flares up and then it's

gone so yeah I get eye crust but I get rid of it with the citrus juice you can order it on Amazon so you have citrus eyes all day dude you know what I do I get the eye crust so big finished yet? No, we're just getting started. Let me hit the theme music. Did you any do the setup? Don't you introduce me first? Well, that's what I'm doing right now.

Okay, go for it. Maybe someone's anxieties make them a little impatient. Ladies and gentlemen, uh-huh. Well, now that's right. You're on the Hall and Highway podcast with Master Flash, Grandmaster, DJ, double reverse, twist snap, snap crackle pop, toastata teeth, Sarah Jessica Parker. Lips, Polly Shore.

How are you, my guy? Dude, that was probably... You made me feel really insecure, dude. I don't know if I want to stay here. You should, though, because I have a lot more questions. Yeah, but you said the whole thing about, you know, sleeping and da-da-da-da-da-da-na. And I got to put my glasses on. And I have to put my fucking, my, my, my, my, my, my scarf on.

Why do you need the scarf? Not like you're riding a motorcycle through a field in the 40s. I say, Alice, let's go for a... picnic on my Vespas scooter mate I'm a Vespa scooter mate yeah so now you're in Australia yeah no I just like the I like this I've been doing this for a while it does look good the lime green the lemon lime green hey first of all can I say a big congratulations I didn't have a kid like what the fuck bro oh thank you oh wow wow you look like Warren Beatty yeah Warren beat what

Warren B these are really great Do you mind if I wear them upside down Um I wouldn't do that If you do that the crust will start to appear in your eyes And you have the citrus juice And then you have the ribet I think I've told you this before Daddy likes to live on the edge

Oh yeah Hey everybody Who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes The answer is yes You always want to have better sex That's what you want it to be better Not worse, trust me

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount. count and 100% free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out oh man well you only live once my guy oh wow you look like your frog that's sitting behind your head dude you're upside down now first of all thank you for having me back on your podcast usually when i do people's podcast

they never ask me back for a second time this is my third time three you're a regular so i'm happy happy to be dude it's my honor my pleasure ladies and gentlemen Let's hit the theme music. Polly, Wiggle Woggle, Tanya Tucker Teeth, Sarah Jessica Parker's back in the mix again. Motherfuckers. Wally Schwore, ladies and ladies. Thank you so much for happy.

Buster, Buster. Hey, do you want your glasses back? Yeah, here. Wait, let me do it the way you did it. I'm not bisexual and now I'm sexual and I put these back on. Oh, wow, that's better. Isn't that nice? You can hear the theme music.

We were talking about sleep. We're talking about your citrus eyes. Can we talk about travel? And I don't mean traveling doing stand up. Do you, Polly Schwore, do you travel to exotic places? Are you an adventurer? Does Polly like to get out and see this place we call planet Earth? Yeah.

I wanted to ask you if you could help me with something because I'm a bit of an adventurer and I'm going down to the Amazon. Have you ever been to the Amazon River? Yeah. I know, but I order shit on Amazon. Well, you don't order a river. Every time you look at the fucking audience, you know what you're fucking thinking?

You're thinking this guy's a fucking idiot. And I don't like that shit. How did you know? Because I see what you're doing. You're looking at the camera going, oh, look at this fucking asshole. That's not fucking cool, dude. You ask me to come up to your fucking sanctuary.

I bring my dog buster. I wear a busted shirt. I got my green scarf. I got my fucking worn baitie glasses. And every time I go, da-da-da-da, you're like, look at this fucking idiot. That's not fucking cool, dude. I'm not doing it for me.

I'm doing it for them. Yeah, I know, but they don't. They don't need to know that. I think they need to know you're a fucking idiot. That's important, guy. I'm here to... That's so sorry. You're right, right.

Okay, that's okay. So I'm going down to the Amazon and I'm going to... I want to search for pygmies. Have you ever heard of pygmies? What are you doing? I'm looking at your audience because they know you're fucking asshole. I'm an asshole now? No, idiot.

Sorry. Okay, go on for pygmies. Go on. Bigmies are cool. Really? Pigmies are really cool. Okay, good. I'm glad you said that.

Pigmy ups are better. If you want to do it. Yeah, yeah. Tiny's my men. Ow! Ah! Hepatitis C, psoriasis, and crab juice. What the hell's under your nails, dude?

So you're really going to the Amazon? Yeah, and I want to, well, probably in about half an hour. That's in the middle of our podcast? No, we'll be done by them. What? I just got here. So I want me to stay for a long time? No, no.

I'm, yeah, we'll stretch it out a wee lad. But what I want to do, what are you doing? What do you think? Holy Spider-Man, dude. What do you do? My thing went on. What are you, Peter Parker? Listen to me, you motherfucker.

Dude, you can't pull a Peter Parker. What the hell are you doing, Wallcrawler? I'm going to call Jay Jonah Jameson. Whoa, what are you doing a pole dance? Whoa, dude. Seduce the camera. Whoa, you're doing the doggie position. Dude, are you doing Chinese yoga?

I don't know if I want to really touch you, but whoa. Whoa, dude, you're doing Chinese yoga. Wow, look at this. Wow, you're like a steel loaf of bread. Wow, oh, okay, okay. Wow, are you doing to do a spread eagle in the camera? sushi and you're going to put on my chest you're going to eat it what are you going to spread for the camera dude whoa we're going to get some sushi whoa dude wow wow you want me to eat sushi off your stomach are you

cereal in hollywood let me can i go get it let me go get it hold on guy stay here hold down the i'm going to go get some food for your stomach hang on i'll be right back holy shit Oh my god Shit, I can't get up I'm stuck My back is fucked up Dude That's okay

Seriously, my back is fucked up So is your face I want to put some food on your stomach You're gonna eat it, right? We're gonna eat it finally Buss it, what the fuck? They're mini-weeds, bro They're fucking

Cinnamon toasted mini-weeer. Dude, I gotta eat. Hold still. Mother fucker. Ow! Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, fuck.

Okay, okay, okay, I got it. I got it. I'm sorry from coming up here. You know me to leave? No, good. That was good. Are you sure you don't want me to lean? No, I was good. I needed that. I was feeling.

Jesus Christ. I was feeling. Yeah, see? I'm glad we did that. I'm really glad we did that. Mmm. Yeah. He's good.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com.

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And thank you for your support. just keep the groovy images coming. What are you doing for 4th of July? I'm celebrating the 5th. Okay. But let's get right back now that we've had a little break and we've got some nourishment in our system. Thank you, by the way.

I feel a little, you know, I needed a pick-me-up. I needed a mini-wheat pick-me-up, a Polly Shore mini-wheat up, as they say. Well, you sure got one. I sure got one. Thank you for that. But I'm going to be in the Amazon. Oh, there it is.

Sorry. It's on your neck. So you're going to Amazon? I'm going to the Amazon and I want to find sacred pygmy tribes. Okay. And what I want to do is I want to teach them how to speak because the pygmies. Have you ever met a pygmy? I didn't know they actually spoke and I don't know what a pygmy is.

Like they're like little native people in the jungle. Oh, yeah. I see. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The pygmies. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I've seen them. Yeah, I've seen them.

So what I want to do is sort of teach them how to speak. And the first word I want to teach them, and maybe you can work with me on this. I want to teach them the word pita. Hmm. So maybe I could pretend you're a pygmy, and I'll be like, pita. And what do you want me to do with it? Well, let's see if you can say it, like a pygmy.

And I go, pita. And then you want me to speak, kind of like, like Land of the Lost? Whatever to you represents an Amazonian pygmy, pita. So you want me to say pita? Well, if you can. I can't say that word. That's the one word I can't say. Try it.

No, no, no, that can't, that, that, no. But you just said I can't say pita. No, whatever you said the other word, you said ta, pita, whatever that. There, you just did it. I can't say that. PETA. Pete. Pita.

I understand. understand but that's the one word of my agent my my publicist that booked me on this fucking thing told me don't mention that one word okay if we say that then i'm walking off dude do pygmies have agents and managers they live in the amazon there's no entertainment industry let's go pita here we go pita pita would you like a pita pita pita's our fun pita yeah mother fucker Let's go. Next question, Cogsucker.

Bring me up to this bullshit fucking podcast. You have Kurt Fox on here all the time. I always blacked out. I laughed so hard. I literally almost blacked out. I see this. And I'd like to help you with that if you'll allow me. Pita!

Pita! No, Pita gone. You throw pita, pigmy boy. Pita gone! Yes, pigmy boy throw pita. Bye-bye, bye-bye, pita. Pita go bye-bye, bye-bye, buster, busser, oh, no, no, no. Now, I'd like to help you with this grammar, with this anger, if you don't mind.

And one of the ways to make Pauly Shore cheery is to I have to put my headphones on go back to the gay part of my bisexuality Here we go Let's make you cheery with a cheer Holy shit Polly Polly Polly Woo

Polly Polly smells like poo Polly woo Polly Polly Polly took a poo Polly Poo Polly Polly Polly is a Jew Polly Polly Polly likes us too Polly Polly Polly likes it too Wow. Look how happy you are. Buster!

Do you want to try one guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, look how happy. I don't have more anxiety. Right, see? Polly, Polly, Polly is a poo. Polly, Polly, Polly is a Jew. Polly, Polly, Polly likes to poo.

Polly, Polly, Polly likes a poo. Pita, Pita, Pita, Pita, Pita, Amazon, bro. All right, my time is done here. Yeah, you should, do you want to go. take a break. Yes. Take a few minutes. Go do some manure and then come back in about two hours.

Hey, Larry, you know what I'm going to do? I almost got to do this. Well, Polly's stepped out. I got to tell you that I'm super happy that I've been chugging back on this magic mind. Okay? Because I need all the focus I can get on this episode. I'm telling you, Larry, this stuff is. it's probably what's keeping me together right now, okay?

And, I mean, all natural ingredients. Keeps me sharp. It's keeping me crisp. It's keeping me on my game, especially against this guy. Polly? And thank goodness for the magic mind because, whoa, what's going on here today? This is getting me through. I don't know if you've tried it yet, but you've got to try it.

100% natural ingredients, 100% refundable. If you don't like it after 100 days. And, oh, I got a code. I got a code where if you order your magic mind, we have a limited offer where you can use right now. It gets you up to 48% off your first subscription or 20% off on a one-time purchase with the code. Harland at checkout.

You can claim it at www.w. magicmind.com backslash Harland. And I got to tell you, man. This stuff is keeping Daddy in tune today. So thank you,

Magic Mind. Larry, go get me another one of these. I think I'm going to need it to finish the show with Polly here. Woo! Oh, he's got. coming. Polly.

Oh, God, here he comes. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the Harland Highway podcast for the fourth time this show, which is a record. This is a record. Polly, gravy train, cracker barrel, rocking chair outside on the porch, John Deere, Salt and Pepper Shakers, Twisted Sister album, I like to rock. v. Salisbury Steak Shore. Did I get it right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you for having me for the fourth time on your show. Pita. Pita. Pita. Pita. Pita. Buddy, can we talk about breasts?

Yes. Is there a set? This is sincere. Is there a set in your lifetime as a consenting gentleman? This is not. a pervy question. This is not trying to be over-sexualized. It's a sincere anatomy question. Has there ever been a set

that were out of all maybe the women you've spent time with erotically or as an adult, having adult fun time? Was there ever one set that stood out to you above all others? You don't have to name names, but was there a peculiar particular woman that just had a beautiful set of human breasts? I get it.

I was, I, when you said the, when you started to say that what you said, I knew right away, it was New Orleans. Okay. It was in New Orleans. Yeah. She was a black woman. So carnival. Yeah, black woman down there.

And, uh, we were, you know, we were putting the beads on each other. And I saw her and she saw me. And she said, I loved you in a kid and play movie, you know, because I was in a kid and play. Okay. You know what I mean? She's a big fan of kid and play. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she says, I know, you know, you might be married. I said, I'm not married. She goes, you might have a girlfriend. I said, I don't have a girlfriend. But I'd love for you to come back, you know, back to my place. And we can have some creole, creole. Creole. So she was lactating?

Yes. Okay. Creole. Creole, you know, with the shrimp and the rice and the gravy. Yeah, it's like when they're breastfeeding, Cajun children and it comes out like a gumbo? No. Okay.

Maybe a. No, it wasn't gumbo. It was like a beef stew. Breast-dough? No, it was like a beef stew. Okay. Okay, so chunky. Yeah, like that.

Rice. Yes, so she comes over. That's why the babies are so fat down there. Yeah, there's some chubby babies down there. Okay, so keep going. So are you jerking off under this? I'm saying this. No, no, my hand fell asleep.

And I fell asleep about half an hour ago too, but let's keep talking. If you want me to leave, I'll leave. I'd love you to, once I get my leaf blower working, I'd love you to leave. So when's it going to work? See, do I have crust on my eye? Oh, my God. It's so citrusy. Oh, pizza.

Peter. So, yes, I was down there in New Orleans. Yeah, a Cajun girl. New Orleans. Yeah, New Orleans. And I went down there. You know, by the way, if you keep fucking with me, I can call the feds and have you deported.

You're fucking Canadian. You shouldn't even still be here. Your green card's been up a long time ago. I wouldn't mind a vacation to Canada. Oh, Canada. We love you. Fotourists you bring. So tell me.

about these melons, these Cajun melons. What set them apart? I'm assuming you've probably seen hundreds of beautiful anatomic breasts in your life. What was it about this set that were the standout? Like, why are they the number one that stand out in your mind? Well, because first of all, she had on one of them, one of them was she had a piercing.

Oh, just one? Well, let me get to the other fucking side. You're like a heckler, you know, at a fucking comedy club. in a small market in America. Listen, so she had a piercing right here on the one thing. Okay. And the other thing, she had like kind of like a dangling Superman thing, just kind of hanging from it.

You know, like Clark Kent Superman hanging from it. So a super nipple. And then she also had this other thing right here. And then she had a third nipple right down there. So it was actually three tits. Was this around Christmas time? It was. Yeah, she sounds like she had a lot of ornaments gone.

Was there a star on? her head? I wasn't looking at her head. Yeah. Was she looking at yours? Peter. So what was it? Was it the piercings?

Was it the shape? Was it the size? What was it that made them the ultimate breasts for you on the woman, all the women you've seen? What was it about those ones? Was it the shape? Was it the perfect size? Were the nipples perfectly?

play just this is an anatomy thing it was the size number one okay number two it was the piercings stuff like that and superman the third the third nipple was that and it was also the fact look the other way when i say this last part no like the other way because i don't want you to see me say this way yeah it was mixed race titties let me see it again wait wait wait don't look back There you go. What did you say? Pita. Pita. Pitas.

Pitas. Give me an A. Give me a B. P. Give me a Pita. What does that spell? Pita. I think we need a commercial break.

Oh, do you want to take another break? Yes. Okay, and then we'll start again for the fifth time. Okay, have a little break. Go do some manure. and boy this is uh we're really getting to it let me just folks look at some of the upcoming questions here because uh we're really flying here tonight um hey everybody how would you like your very own personal video message from me yours truly it's your birthday it's your anniversary it's your

graduation or you just want me to make you laugh you get to pick the topic you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Camio.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one, your very own personalized Harland. Do you have a torso? Yeah. Okay, you don't have to snap of me. Labitos. I didn't know you were librarian i just went took a dump in the other room dude i'm just i just don't go in there for like 10 minutes like you didn't say bathroom you just said the other room so what on the middle of the floor yes with my dog oh together no he did it first whose was bigger mine wow what are you been eating

guy so sorry i feel bad don't don't worry did you wipe no because you told me to come right back into the podcast. Hey, why does it even call a podcast? What the fuck? Google the word podcast. What does that mean? Okay. Hang on.

What does it say? Hang on. I'm Googling. Podcast. It means he who takes dump on floor is smelly smell. Where's my glasses? Oh, no. Shit.

Where are they? I don't know. Did you go look in your dump? Maybe you swallow dump. Give it a tea. Give it a tea. Give it an O. Oh.

What is it next? Spell? To? To? Oh. Let me get to the next question. We're really moving along nicely here. I mean, the flow we're having here.

Oh, I was going to ask you, since we're drinking, we've known each other, how long, my guy? What time is it? Whoa, dude, you don't even have a watch on. We've never done this. We've never gargled together. I would love, after all these years, to gargle with you. Can we, you know, when you take a drink and, yeah.

I would love. Wow, that was like a Chewbacca mating call. That was almost like, what's it called when you touch each other's penises? E.T. Go home? No, it's called. E.T. Go homo. Cizzer bros. Oh, wow.

We're like scissors bros. You just laid a double duchy, bro. I got to get my sunglasses. Okay, go take another break, do another manure. Do another, yeah, we'll introduce you on the six times. If you had a choice to make love to a woman at Staples, what aisle would you do it in? You get to make love to a woman at a Staples.

What aisle does Polly Shore? Or lay his woman down. It's probably number four, because that's where the Sharpies are. And then I like to, as I'm plowing her with my cockadoodle do, then I like to put a Sharpie right inside her. Pencil holder? Yes. Maybe we should switch gears to Home Depot.

What aisle? Oh, Home Depot. What aisle would you make love? I'm, I hope it's not the lumber aisle, but what aisle would you make love to a girl? Cole Depot. That aisle, it must be the aisle of the bases. Whoa, guy. Whoa.

What's happening, guy? Whoa, what are we doing here? Whoa. I'm having sex in the duct tape aisle. Are you air-humping? No, I'm having sex with the girl in the duct tape aisle. Whoa, dude. Whoa.

Mommy! That really, that looked like you were throwing. he's face, I want to get you, dude. I don't like you no more, bro. I looked like you were making love at six flags on this. That's what she said. That's what she said. I keep fucking looking in the camera, making fun of me, dude.

Well, I think you had to come in there, air hump face. Wow, are you okay? It looked like you threw your spine out. No, I'm good. When's the last time you made love to anything? Oh, very spiritual. Oh, I make a sweet love to the air. This isn't a podcast, by the way.

This is just too, a bunch of idiots, just fucking being stupid together. Well, I wouldn't say that. I don't think they think that. What do they think? They think this is a sophisticated part. This is the, hold on. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Holland Highway podcast. We got polished show here.

We're just getting started now, I guarantee. What? No, I've been here for 45 minutes. We ain't getting started. But I feel like most of that 45 minutes. Have you ever seen a dead stump being dragged out of a swamp? I have. That's sort of what it felt like,

but now I feel like we're getting started after you humped the sky. If you could put that a little closely to their mouth so like they do on Real podcast. Let's start with some questions here. Oh, here we go. Would you be able to, and I know you're a writer, you're a bit of a poet,

would you be able to do a roses or red, violets or blue poem? for our folks at home watching. Would you be able to give them a nice one, just a quickie? Roses are red. Violets are blue. I love every girl that I want to see on the Sioux. But sometimes what I do is I come back to the side,

and when I see the side, I say, oh, why, oh, why. See, now that's what I'm saying. Everything got messed up because my hip's fucked up, my timing's fucked up, and you fucked it up. I want my insurance people to call your insurance people. Affleck. Affleck. Or in your case.

Airfock. Whoa, here he goes again, gang. Get your goggles on. There he goes. He's humping the end of the table. That's a Maple Dutch 2 by 4. He found the knot hole. And he's, you done already?

He's turning around. He's going to do it. He's going to do some. Whoa, he's going anal. He's got, what, what are you doing, my guy? Hang on. Whoa, what's happening? Whoa, are you doing some tantric yoga table sacks?

Dude, I think they tuned out about an hour ago. Are you waiting for Sting by any chance? Doesn't he do this with his wife? What do you do? I just smelled like a stoper's microwave lasagna. What the hell are you? Oh, wow, spread eagle, my guy. Wow, what the?

Can I add some noises? Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Your herpes came out. What are you doing? Interview him. He's more interesting. Pita.

He's more interesting. Peter. We'll be right back, folks. Let's hit the music. Polly's going to take another Dutch steamer. And then we're going to. going to come back and we're going to are you coming back or no i don't know it's up to you no we're just getting started folks what do you mean just getting started we're just getting started

this was the intro i haven't started the real podcast yet what are you nuts you never done a podcast before ladies and gentlemen polly shore is here thank you thank you for having me let's get to a serious question. What's one of the biggest regrets? One of the things that hurt you the most in life, relationship-wise, career-wise, what would you say is at the top of the pile of hurt, something that really... Like a choice that I made? A choice that you made or just somebody did against you. But yeah, let's go with the choice you made. Well, it was about three years ago. Okay. And I was starting to transition. Oh, my God. From a man to a woman. Okay.

Yeah. And then about three months into it after I've taken the drinks and the steroid thing and the cells and they started to tuck it and stuff, that's when I, like, decided not for you. Not for me. And then you're, and they're undo it. So now it just looks fucking weird and I'm trying to get it back. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So wait, so you were in the middle of it. Yeah. You dial it back. So now you're kind of stuck with this half-breed physique. Yeah. So you've sort of got. A penis, but there's a clit on it? Yeah, so which is why I keep coming on the thing and spinning around because it's part of the stuff.

No, no, it's just, it's the sauce they put it in me. Oh, so it's sort of made you. Yeah, the woman sauce. Wow, so you've got a blend. So your balls have like labia lips on them or like what are we looking at that Frankenstein in your underpants? You don't want to look at anything. It's fucking weird, dude. Is it?

Yeah, yeah. Wow, dude. Yes, which is why. I'm trying to peel it back right now, which is, so when I, when I, when I pop out there and I hop on the thing, a lot of it's from that. You might be the only guy and take this with all due respect. You might be the only guy could tell to go fuck himself and you could. And I think that might have been what you just did about five minutes ago. Yeah. Is that what you were doing? Yes. Smelled like it.

Let's do a little word association. Where's it? Where's my soda pop? Oh, here it is right here. Is that my soda pot? This is mine. Cheers, mate. Dude, cheese, cheese, mate. Let's do one more gargle. Let's do one more gargle. It's a fun word, isn't it?

That was good. It's like swords. We're swords again. Yeah. What's it called when you touch each other's penises with each other's penises? E.T. phone homo? Correct.

It's funny, you know, guys don't gargle much anymore. And I find they don't skip together either. If you want to go skipping with me next week, I'm going to be up in blueberry country, and I'd love to skip through some blueberries with you. That would be good, but then your feet will get all blueberry-ish. Yeah. And then you've got to fucking, you know, get some alcohol and probably take it off. My feet don't drink.

I think it's time for words from a wooden shoe, my guy. Here we go. Words from a wooden shoe part of the show. Words from a wood and shoe. Wooden shoe. Polly Shore knows how this works. He's been here's three times with soars, so he knows how she works. And what you do, gang, Paul, you remember you're reaching the shoe, pull out a word, and see if it sparks a story from your life, from your wonderful journey. And here we go, words from a wooden shoe.

Did you get these from a, like a Chinese restaurant, the fortune cookies, or what? Why don't you ask my dad, Sir Panda Express of Norway? What's your word, my guy? oh wow that's two words white people can't jump is what it says right here it's blank well oh that i was making it up because you got a blank one he said white people let's try it again so sorry that's the first technical glitch we've ever had with words from a wooden shoe it's not my fault you didn't put anything on the fucking i know that's a that's a technical glitch Yeah, well, I ad-libbed for you.

Well, microwave. Oh, here we go. I bet you have a good story. Somewhere in your long life, your journey, something related to a microwave. Yeah, it happened last week, actually. Actually, you should put those back on. Yeah, you'll be able to see a lot less. Like that.

There you go. What happened with your microwave, my guy? Well, I was on ketamine. I don't know if you're familiar with ketamine. That's my favorite ride at Disneyland. No, no, no. It's a drug. Oh, no, I haven't.

Yeah, it's a drug. Okay. So I was on some ketamine. Okay. And I knew that putting tinfoil inside a microwave would be terrible because we've all read about it. What's it do? Can I finish my sentence? Sorry.

I'm on ketamine. You got to give me like. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. Just be patient with me. Yeah. So, so you're not supposed to put tinfoil inside a microwave.

we all know that but no one's done it so guess who did it i did it yeah and it wasn't it wasn't good dude and then you know what i mean and then you know and then i started you know it just it wasn't good it started popping it was just not good what happened does it start a fire you don't want to know what happened wait was there anything in the tinfoil like leftovers like a chicken breast or a a human leg or was it just you just put tinfoil in Actors what? Pardon you? Actors what?

Actor's studio? Actors listen. Right. And then when I said the tinful, you actually did what? Believe me, I've been acting like I've been listening the whole show. Sorry, go ahead. Anyways. Yes.

What I'm trying to say is actors listen. And you were listening. So then when I said the tinfo, you're like, oh, shit, maybe there was something inside of it, which was good. So now I've got to go back to. talking about. Okay. So, no, there wasn't anything inside of it. It was just me putting tinfoil inside the microwave.

But it was sparked by the ketamine. This is something unketamined Polly Shore would never dream of in a million years. But ketamine, Shore would put foil in a microwave. With nothing inside of it. And how long did you cook it for? Until shit started popping and breaking and being fucked up. So you hit the popcorn button? No, it did it by itself.

because it started pop it. Well, I think you might have hit the popcorn button. You're right. Next time hit fish and see what happens. You're right. Can I try one more on the boot? Excuse you? One more shoe in the boot.

Yeah, let's try another one because that microwave one really sort of sizzled out. Here we go. We've never done two words from a wooden shoe. This is a first with Polly Shore. Oh, wow. Oh, here we go. What do we got? Technically, we did three because the first one was black.

blank. Well, this is because I'm on the show six times. Yeah. Bermuda. Wow. Talk to me. Wow. Yeah. I remember. Did you float to Bermuda on some foil? No, is me and Elon Musk. You know, Elon Musk, the guy that owns Tesla? No. Yeah, he's the guy that owns Tesla that bought Twitter. They change it to X. X. X versus spot. Wow. Yeah, we were down there in Bermuda. okay we were on one of his boats and this was uh when i told him about the whole electric car situation i said i don't think you should be doing electric cars he says why is that i said because um i'm a trump

supporter and trump does not participate in electric mobile Elon's a Trump supporter yes wow okay yeah he's a Trump supporter okay and i said that he's not a Trump so he's not into a Trump's not. No, Biden is. Okay. And I said Trump. I think Biden's more into electroshock therapy is what he's into. Oh, yeah, that's what I meant to say.

No, what I meant to say is that, is that. Are your four eyes okay? Is that Biden is into the electric and Trump is not into the electric. Right. So one keeps a vibrator by the bad side and the other doesn't. Can we just plug my tour dates, please? Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, holy smokes.

Somebody please plug Pauly Shore. What are your tour dates, my guy? I'll be in Pentwater, Michigan. Wow. Pentwater, Michigan. Because the wheeves will boldly go where no motherfuckers will go again. Pentwater, Michigan, because I'm going to be there for 4th of July week. You're also in Penthouse magazine this week.

I'm in Penthouse magazine as well. Cherry, Cherry Shore. Cherry magazine. Cherry magazine. Yeah. Where else? I'll be in Atwater, Texas, which is the home of the Duckville Platypus. Yes, yes.

So he'll be there. And then lastly, I'll be back to Bermuda with our friend Elon Musk. And we'll be talking about the electric cars. Who is four electric cars and who's what? Who has three electric cars? Thank you guys so much. Ladies and gentlemen. Polly, Polly, ABC, Allie, Polly.

me, Polly, Polly, Polly. Polly likes to blow. You're great on the show. It was great on the show. Pita. Thanks, Polly. Have a happy holiday. You should do a dramatic walkout. Thanks, Polly. Do like actors.

Say thanks, Polly. Thanks, Polly. You were fucking thanks. Okay, I fucking did my time here. I gave you extra times, extra innings. And you don't fucking, you don't call anyone about. me you just you're a fucking little pig is what you are you're a fucking little pig and you don't want people around you and you invite people over you don't offer me shit

you give me these fucking uh uh uh huh uh you give me these uh huh prox of mini weights wow ladies and gentlemen the new meryl street right here on the hallah highway podcast that was Polly Streep Shore, folks. Thanks for being here. What a power session. I'm wrapping it up. You can't walk through when I'm running. I know, but I was just wrapping out.

I've got to start again. Ladies and gentlemen, wow. What a show. The new Lily Tomlin, Polly Tomlin Shore. And, dude, seriously. No, bro, I'm really trying to end this. Like, really.

sort of wanted to end it right a long time ago there he goes folks polly corn on the cob shore catch him before he catches you and until next time chicken chow main baby bye bye thanks for having me i like you you're my friend yeah oh easy you're my friend dude dude i like you dude hands on the table dude Perfect timing the music just ended. I feel violated. And so do you. It's on the floor where you did the first one.

Sick.