The Harland Highway - PETE HOLMES 2 - Serial killers, the art of acting, and of course, throwing blueberries at each other

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

This episode is sponsored by Tushy and HIMS. Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/HARLAND with promo code: HARLAND 10% off your first bidet order at HelloTUSHY.com with promo code HARLAND Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Pete Holmes Website: https://peteholmes.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/peteholmes/?hl=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your device.

devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at ora.com slash control. That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. The way we're thinking about the meaning of the world obviously comes down to language. Isn't that crazy? Language. Yeah. It's pretty wild.

That's why your name being Hardland. I like it. How do I legally change my name to? to Hardland. And this isn't air quotes. I was raised by shrimp. I was raised by a family of shrimp. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Are we recording? No, but I'm going, you ready? Because I'm about to say some racist stuff. Oh, wait, let me hit record. Okay. What do you, what did you want to say? I just want, is it Harland or Hardland?

Ooh, it's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D, but Hardland is kind of cool. I knew it was Harlan. Oh, you did? I like, that's, you were testing me. I wasn't a test. It was just kind of a silly, but it also kind of, it gave me a glimpse into like, makes my arms flap. Bring it a silly.

Makes my arms flap. Well, like last night I was at a party and we went off the red nose, the reindeer comes on and I'll go, is it. Rudolph or roomed off? And I think that's so funny. And nobody really, it's kind of like just for me. It's like,

yeah. Like I know it's Rudolph, but I go, is it room? Because to me, the joke is imagine a guy who's 45 years old grew up in America

thinking it's roomed off the red nose reindeer. Roomed off. And that sounds like a sex act in West Hollywood. Can we do a roomed off? Only in West Hollywood. Wow.

Is West Hollywood considered to be a homosexual area? Just kinky. Just kind of. It is also, it's also homosexual, but very kinky. Like a straight could go through gay West Hollywood and do a roomed off and not be considered gay. I just want to know where I can get my roomed off on. Yeah.

West Hollywood's your best bat. This jacket feels like, because this is a very neutral khaki. Oh, what about a jacket off? Secret. Remember that old joke? Well, you just, how about jack it off in a roomed off? You ever jack off during a roomed off? No, I'm talking about a jacket.

Not what you're not the dirty thing. You said jack off. I said jacket off. Remember that old joke? Because you said you wanted to take your jacket off. I want to take one jack off. Do you call it a jacket or a jack? A jacket.

I want to take my jack off. Oh, you call it a jack? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I call my t-shirt a ding-dong. Wow. Yeah. I call my face a phallis. I call my butt.

I'm a man, puss. No, you can't say that. Was I don't know if they're silly? Did you just do it? Can you see, I guess you could say it's my man, bus. You know what I always thought

the, uh, are you mooing? No, I was just like, suddenly I'm pre-appreciating. No, I see, now I feel like I'm in a veal barn and you're veal. Oh no. You're just like, too real. Too real. I'm sorry, was that too veal? Wow.

Veal or no veal? One of the cases has a very small cow in it. A baby cow pops. That's veal. And then the model. hits it in the head with a mallet and then everyone eats and how he's like yikes and i don't like germs on people he says to the camera when they rub the veal on him and he's like it's in my contract i have to allow it i had no idea you hated baby cows this much really why do you hate them

did they do to you well the baby cows are the more wicked of the bunch i think yeah a regular cows they are they are but the baby cows are like they're always tipping each other over yeah You know what I mean? And how pretentious are you when you're named after the lower part of a human leg? Veal? Calf. Like, I thought there was a part of us called a veal and I was like, huh?

Well, why don't we? If they're going to take our name and have our lower leg, I'm going to call them kidney. Nice. Little calves. Hardland. Yes. Why? Yes, Ruhmof.

Why? That's a good German name for you. Room off. Mr. Ruhmov. Mr. Rumoff. come inside my scepter.

Okay, why what? Why are there words that mean other words? That word should be done. Calf? Calf is a baby cow and the, you know, the kind of boob of the lower leg. Yeah. That's not okay. Like I don't, from now on, I'm not going to say, if someone kicks me there, I'm not going to say,

ow, you kick me in the calf, I'm going to, you animal hater, you kick me in a little baby cow. Even better. Prick. Prick. Crick also means ding-dong, but also a little poke with a needle. Yeah. And also, I don't, I used to have a bit about this where I go, It also means David Beckham too, by the way.

Prick. Yeah. Good choice. Good job finding someone we could all, I don't know enough about Beckham. You know why I picked him? Because. He's a soccer player. And you think he hasn't kicked somebody in the baby cow?

It's all a big circle, my guy. If there's any sport where calves are being kicked more than soccer, I don't want to know about it. Yeah. I don't think there is. There isn't. How many times has David Beckham kicked some? someone right in the baby cow. Bend it?

Bend it. Like Beckham. Remember that? Yeah, that movie. Because when he kicked his soccer ball, it would bend. It would. Well, did it bend or did it arc? See, here we are with another word.

Well, if his name was Arkham, they'd say Arkett like Arkham. But it was Beckham. I think about this all the time. Like when I was in church. Well, Beckham isn't Bend. But it's B. Okay. Yeah, bend it like Beckham.

I'm just, this is an interesting topic. If his name was Curlton, it would have been Curlitt like Colton. Curlitt like Carlton. Language dictates how he said. So God being above, we have this idea of God being above. Right. So all these church songs I would sing would sing about God's love. Because it rhymed.

Yeah. God, you're above. God, you have something like love. Yeah. But if the word for the sky or above was a race, would sing more about God's grace. Isn't that weird? Yeah. So now the way we're thinking about the meaning of,

of the world, obviously comes down to language. Isn't that crazy? Language. Yeah. It's pretty wild. That's why your name being Hardland. I like it. How do I legally change my name to Hardland?

And this isn't air quotes. I was raised by shrimp. I was raised by a family of shrimp. I've known that about you. Yeah. Shrimp means small and also a little bug in the sea. But what about have you ever ordered a jumbo shrimp? paradox how does that work how does that work paradox also a sex act in west hollywood and the jumbo shrimp too

i'm not that horny i don't want a paradox i'll just have one dog what about take your jacket off take off your pants and jacket that was the old prank remember in junior high that say when you take a shower do you take off your pants and jacket and you go yes and then go bruh oh prank prank prank you got prank because guess what yeah you're jacking it wow you thought you were just taking off your jacket you're not a fool because you don't have a white jacket, but really, you're playing with your ding-dong brother. Whoa. That was like Steve Brule. But really, you're playing with your ding-knock, brother.

Check it out. Steve, who? You don't know Steve Brule? Brule? You don't smoke wheat? No. I'm just kidding. You don't have to smoke weed to know.

Steve Brule is on Tim and Eric. It's played by John C. Riley. Oh, check it out. Oh, he plays the nutty professor guy. Okay, yeah. For your health. Okay, yeah, awesome. We were verging into that area.

Yeah. But here's a word, going back to Rudolph. Roomed off. You thought it was roomed off. So I, my whole life, thought that, oh, you didn't? It was just a gag. Well, this is real. My stories are real.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People come to you for the real. Folks, my stories are real unlike someone I know. Somebody's out here. Justin. Yeah. I thought, and I'm just going to say it because this is what I release Mary Dot. instead of Felice Navidad.

Right. I thought there was someone named Mary Dodd. Release Mary Dot. Release Mary Dot. Because, A, I didn't know it was even Spanish. Release Maritad. Right. Oh.

I mean, I thought it was a girl. Free Tibet, release Mary Dodd. These are the issues. I thought she was a Christmas captive. Release Mary Dot. No, but that must have been something about Mary Dot. You speak Spanish or do you sing it? Do you sing Spanish?

Solomente I can't do Spanish. Also a sex act in West Hollywood. That's true. You get to cantar up the... Wow. Up to... Dude, you have quite the library. Somebody did that the first time.

Right? Somebody was like... Somebody did that and somebody was like, let's just say, put it in my... Yeah. And everyone was like, why do I know you mean your butt? Yeah.

Oh, why do I know you mean your butt? Oh. Oh. Why? What we do? What if the first guy that did it, though? Okay, what if there was two people involved? One guy, the first guy who did it was a guy.

Yeah. But he had a very compassionate friend who kept it going. No, he was compassionate because the first guy had a cleft lip. And so the first guy was like, hey, why don't you put it in the... And then the second guy had a compassion for this man's inability to whistle. He went. I also say, that's what friends do. They help.

That's what friends are do. Let's reenact that historical moment. Hey, why don't you put it in the... I think what he's trying to say is somebody put it in his... Thank you, friend. You're welcome. It's such a friend. Can I take you for a Dairy Queen Blizzard, friend?

A Dairy Queen Blizzard? Yeah. Wow. You're into it. He loved it. And with a cleft lip, right? Is that what we're saying? Had no problem saying Dairy Queen Blizzard,

which is kind of hard to say even without one. So, oh boy. You can't do a little whistle. You can't say Dairy Queen Blizzard. Probably three times he could say it too, really fast. You know when you wake up from a coma and they ask you like, what day is it?

What year is it? Who's the president? Yeah, I do remember that, actually. First time I woke out. have the vibe of a guy in a medical gown with nothing in the back. Yeah. And I do look like a guy who's been in a coma. You have coma vibe. You know what I did? It wasn't

really a coma, but I always loved. You were here last time when we talked about cocoons. And I love to get a Walmart sleeping bag and zip it all the way up and a Dutch oven myself. Well. And I was in there for about four weeks before they found me last time. So sort of a coma, Dutch oven coma. Yeah, Dutch oven. A Dutch Yeah, Dutch coma. That's what keeps you young.

It is? Is Dutch ovening yourself in a Walmart sleeping bag? Yeah, because Jackson, remember Jacko used to go in that hyperbolic chamber or whatever it was. Of course. Was it a hyperbolic chamber? You know it was. What is hyperbolic? What are you trying to be relatable?

You have one. I know you have one. But is it hyperbolic or hyperbolic's a term. It's a word. I think hyperbolic means using hyperbole. Right. It's not a hyperbolic. It is a hyperbolic chamber.

That means it's not really a chamber I'm being hyperbolic It's more like a wrist apparatus Was it hyperbolic? It wasn't hydraulic Hyper, is it even hyper? Why would you be laying a chamber? Turbo.

Street Fighter 2 Turbo champion edition. Oh, bless you, Angel. Do you know it? I don't play. I don't play. You want to hear my story with video games? Well, yeah. Hey, everybody. Let's take a second to talk about the holidays. And I got to include hellotushy.com. Have any of you got a bidet? Hello. It's bidet time, everybody. Hello,tushy.com. Has it all set up for holiday gift giving 101.

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Get your hymns and get gone. Happy hymn. No haunt, no hymn and hawn, just hymnon. I did a movie Years ago called Say it into the camera It was called Rocket Man

Meet the Robinsons Meet the Rocket Man's No meet the Robbins Meet the Robins Meet the Rock The only do movies of Raw sounds in them? It's raw, yeah Yeah

The Egyptian Sun God I did Eddie Murphy's first special Raw that was me You're very fast You're very fun But they gave me a Because the movie Was an animated

CGI movie They gave me an Xbox and I did the voice for one of the characters in the video game. Oh. So they gave me a free Xbox. Yes. I'd never played. I came home, plugged it in.

This was not the same day, but, you know, a few weeks later. Yes. Plugged it in. It was probably like two in the afternoon. Yes. I start playing. You know, I'm playing this thing. I finally look up.

It's dark out and I'm thinking, oh, it's probably like, it was winter. So I thought, oh, it's 6.30, 7 in the evening. Yeah. I look at my clock, 2.5. in the morning. Wow. I took the thing out the next day. Brand new Xbox,

open the garbage can, dropped it in. Dump. This thing will eat up years of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you play... Hard cut to a make-a-wish kid that just wanted an Xbox.

Shout. Just a hard, tight close-up of him, not knowing why he's upset, but like the crunch of the Xbox. We keep that audio. So we're going to use the audio from you doing it over the child just being like, No, can I even offer something more realistic?

Yeah. The crunch of the Xbox and the compactor juxtaposed against the smooth, silent of the razor blade opening his wrists. Because he killed himself because he didn't get an Xbox. Didn't get my Xbox. I was a fool to enter into a gunfight. Chuck Norris. I'm just saying. You yes-anded the hell out of that.

Well, I figure if I'm going to get the guilt trip. Why not have this type of, why not have a child with his arm hanging over a bathtub? Blood draining out on the tile floor. Mother comes in screams, slips on the blood, hits her head on the towel rack. Now she's dad. Father comes up. He found out that his wife was pregnant that morning. Now two of his kids are dead.

He takes a gun, shoots his head. God, you have made a powerful enemy today, my friend. I don't know what I can say. I don't shit a shitter. Don't try to gross out Arland. Don't shit a shitter at the Willing Nullsland house. With the triple death murder, make a wish, Xbox's blood. I also thought he was draining into the bathtub like a courteous.

Well, one wrist is in because you want the theatrical effect of the blood red water. Of course. You sound like a set designer on a horror. You got to be dramatic. Yeah. If you're going to die, go out with a little panache. Some Schwadavi. Some Dairy Queen Blizzard, if you wilt.

Some cleft. Lip. Hard. Oh. Thank you, friend. Why are you so into me sexually when you say it? It's not sexually. Let's do it again where you're less into me sexually.

Okay, okay. Thank you, friend. I didn't mean you had to not be whispering. I just thought this was kind of a wispy guy who was also, like, pretty up for it. I was trying to go Michael Clark Duncan three mile because I know that's your, or Green Mile, because that's your favorite movie. I do like Green Mile. I said Three Mile.

You're thinking of eight mile. I was thinking of a three mile island. Eight Green Mile. Eight Green Mile is in that prison freestyling about John Coffey. Who's dying for our sins because it's a JC. You ever notice that? Jesus Christ. Oh.

Wait, was he? It was a allegory. Wow, I don't bowl. It's an, I don't bowl. You said alley gory. I don't bowl on Halloween. That's like if you hit a child running across a bowling alley.

It was an allegory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's alley gory. Can I, can I? Oh. Can I, when you do this, I got to do this because I sent you a text like about a month ago. Call her up. I saw your movie.

Which one? The serial killer movie. Got it. What's it called? I don't know the name. Wait, let me. I don't know the name of it. I know the name.

I'm just kidding. A woman of the hour. Woman of the hour. Because I really liked your performance in that movie. This is pure, ever clear. This is for real. I thought it was very nuanced and I want to preface it with this. We're comedians.

Here we are, the ha-ha-ho. As you can see from the first 10 minutes, we just want to get laughs. And we're doing it with dead fucking suicide things. Children, yeah. Yeah. We don't care about anything else but getting laughs. We're out here getting them. A kid could slice himself in the bathtub.

We'll find the funny. We'll find it. Yeah. And we already did. We did. But our. You can do it. We can help.

Yeah. Home Depot comedy. You can do it, but we'll help. Oh, God. You don't even. us for these riffs but what i wanted to say was our our inclination as comedians our instinct i think i can speak for you but correct me if i'm wrong but when we're on the set when we're acting it is so strong in me at least to want to go down funny street like to get the laugh yeah and i i'm assuming

you're the same way because you're just naturally funny but when you get when you step into a a serious role Yeah. That's a real discipline for guys like us for comedic people and comedic actors. Was that for you? I like this question because it implies that I did it. Yeah. That I put the silly aside. You did?

That's what I'm applauding you for. You know, when you get on like pirates, they have a little pouch where you put like your glasses, Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah. A little pouch where you can put your glasses. Right. That's where I put my silly. Oh. I put it in that little pouch.

When you go on Pirates of the Caribbean? No, no. When I was in this movie. Oh, yeah. To tell us about that process. I will, in earnest, answer this question. Because when I went to the premiere, yeah, there's this moment where I'm with Anna Kendrick,

who's wonderful and directed and did an amazing job. Yeah. And I, like, touch her ear, like, touch her hair. I'm kind of being a creepy guy. And then she laughs, and it's like this really funny reaction. It's uncomfortable, but she does it in a funny kind of way. Wait, this is in the movie or at the premiere? It's in the movie.

That's the scene. at the bar, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're sitting at the bar, yeah. And then, so there's a laugh. Like, I'm saying what happened at the premiere. There's a laugh. And then it cuts to me and everyone stops laughing because I'm making this face that's like

deeply hurt and I'm trying to make her uncomfortable kind of. Yeah. That's what it's about. Like the movie has a lot to do with like male fragility kind of. Yeah. And I'm kind of like, so for the first time of my life, it cut back to me and everyone stopped laughing. Yeah. And I felt great.

Right. That so was the opposite of the rest of my career where I've always wanted to cut to me and everyone laugh. Now they were stopping laughing to the opposite. And I felt it's sort of embarrassing to say this, but that was when I started or maybe it formed a little bit more what acting is. Yeah, yeah. And I'm a little bit embarrassed to admit this. When I act on most things, my first goal is to be the most liked and best behaved. set.

Okay. I want everyone to like me. It's good, it's not, it's good, it's not, but it's weird that it's my number one priority. Yeah, it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be.

You're, and I'm going to interject you, I think your priority should be to the fucking character. Of course. And if that character's a dick, then don't worry about anything. I agree.

Yeah. But I hadn't, until this movie, which is a real drama, I hadn't really understood the art of that. Because usually when you hire a comedian, yeah,

you're hiring them to be funny. And that was my second priority. Right. Number one, I want everyone, to like me. I want everyone to be comfortable. I want the camera. Like, I'm that guy. I like to learn everyone's name and all that sort of stuff. Okay. I want to be the guy that's, it is good. But it takes a certain amount of energy and mental, you're using some of your mental fuel. That's right. And you

have to dedicate that to your character. I think that's what you're sort of saying. I was edited out of the movie, Her Weird Flex. But watching Joaquin Phoenix, so one of our greats on set. He was not antisocial, but he wasn't going around schmoozing. I'm like the mayor of the set. I really want to have a bit. Ideally, if I'm doing a TV show, I want to have a bit with everybody. Like by the end of it, our rap gift is our bit. We had a great bit and a mug.

And that's the comedian coming up that I just described. What's an insecurity is. I mean, I'm not saying it's bad. It's good. But it is coming out of a need of wanting to be well thought of and stuff. So it's not entirely pure. I'm not saying it's bad. Okay.

Yeah. But that was like, I'll give you an example. I was in a movie called Home Sweet Home Alone. Yeah. And in that movie, I was not acting. I was me. Yeah. I was Pete.

I was pretending I was an uncle and I had a bunch of kids. But I was just trying to have bits with the kids. I was trying to have bits with the director, with the camera guys, with the writers, with the other actors. And that's what I did. And I was able to do my job because it's not that hard to be me. Yeah. Now I'm doing this movie, and I'm trying to be this guy.

I'm trying to be an actor in the 70s. Yeah. So I'm wearing this, like, different wardrobe. I had like a puka shell. necklace and it's it was really cool you know I was born in 79 but here I am it's like 1974 and I'm there yeah and Anna is a real a real actor you know yeah yeah doing it isn't it amazing when you're with really it's awesome awesome actors you go into another zone it's I sorry to interrupt but it's like playing with Wayne Gretzky it is when you get whenever I've

acted with incredible actors everything just disappears yes it goes to black the crew disappears and you get in this zone with Great actors. Completely, completely agree. And I'm not, I'm always worried about sounding like a Hollywood phony. I've just always been very taken with Anna. I think she's incredible. Yeah.

And there I was, there was like a small piece of my consciousness that was like, there she is. That went away. Take two. But take one, I'm watching her act. Yeah. And you have like the best seat in the house. I thought the same way about Judy Greer with the Christmas movie I just did.

And watching her, I was like, oh, she is like really feeling what her character. character feels. Right, right, yeah. Not pretending it. She's like, yeah. She's not reminding herself, I'm sad.

She's like vanished into this person. And that's what Anna was doing as well. I love that. So it gave, oh, so be the most well-liked mayor of the set. Number two is be the funniest. Number three was kind of like consider the character and all that sort of stuff.

So it was lower on the list. It was lower on the list. It was number three. Yeah. But now, and the reason for that was because most roles that I did, including my TV show, crashing, I didn't need to do a lot of, like, unpacking.

I know this guy. I don't have to wonder about him. But now I'm like, I kind of got the bug. What a privilege to learn more about acting while you're acting. While you're doing it. Like most people go to Juilliard and learn this sort of stuff. Yeah. I feel like a schmuck on one hand, but also on the other hand, just incredibly grateful that

like as I'm doing it, it's revealing itself to me. The layers are unfolding. Like what it is. And then I kind of got the drama bug. I was like, I can see it. I could see it. That's why I emailed you because I can see, when I say nuanced, you,

and I've known you for a long time and I've seen all your stuff, but you added such great layers to this character because at the beginning it called for you to be loving and trusting and sort of this likable guy. And then as you went through it and we saw that you were getting rejected, you became this avoidant guy. You even, like you said in the bar, you added a little bit of creepiness,

which was tough to do because you were still trying to be her friend. You were trying to score and you slowly revealed yourself to be a guy that was just like all the other sort of predators that you weren't a serial killer, but you were almost just as guilty by association because you just wanted to get to her. Obviously, I'm not a serial killer, but the parallels between me, so Danny, the guy who plays the killer in that movie, improvised a moment later in the film where he touches the hair on a woman that he's clearly going to kill.

And that was not in the script. And Anna kept it in because, like, there was this, like... Co-relation. What we're saying is women suppressing their desire, their needs, and their safety to not injure fragile male egos. All of our egos are fragile. I'm just saying there's a specific kind of fragility that men have in terms of rejection. They can be very frightening.

And I think I'm saying that. That's what the movie is saying. I can't speak to that. Although, I will say it's much more frightening to me to disappoint my dad than it is my mom, even though there's never been any, like, physical violence. There's just something about the way men pout and the way men will, like, almost like, weird, become like babies, and it's devastating. And you're like, whatever I need to do, make it go away.

So that's the way I could kind of relate. But, like, when women will put aside literally their safety, to not damage a male ego. That helped me understand. I know people say patriarchy a lot, but that helped me understand the patriarchy. And that's what good art should be. Yeah, yeah.

I watched that movie, and I was like, oh, I'm understanding. I think Anna is telling me something about the female experience that I didn't quite know. Interesting. And what's dangerous is I thought I did know. Oh, interesting. And then I watched that movie.

And even though it's graphic, it's something that I would want my daughter to watch. So I was really, when she's age appropriate. But I was like, oh, this is important. Women need to learn as she does on the dating game and also with the killer to stand up for themselves even when it's uncomfortable.

And we all need to learn to do that, but particularly women. Well, but I think that's what the movie's saying. Yeah, but I don't want to speak for women. No, no, but you, I can't tell you how much. All that stuff you described how you said you sort of found new layers of acting. I could see it. Oh, that's really sweet.

That's why I emailed you because it, It really impacted me. I was like, wow, Pete really nailed this. Oh, that's really nice. Because it was very subtle. It wasn't an easy. And then on top of it, like I said, you're fighting the instinct to not ham it up, but just sort of be funny.

Or even in a serious role to do a little. And you just, you're reminding me. You kept it. It was amazing. I really, really appreciate this. I didn't know I was waiting, hoping for something like this, but it's really kind of you. But so after the takes, so we're in the bar. Yeah.

I also had a cold. So I remember feeling kind of like repressed. Like I was just like a little like not my usual. Yeah. 10 out of 10 like energy wise. Yeah, that could have helped even. It might have helped. Yeah, it might have very well helped.

And then I get off set and I'm feeling vulnerable. We just did this scene. Let's say five times, maybe four or five times. Yeah. Where I'm being askees and being rejected. And then you do it again. And then you do it again. And then you do it again.

And Anna is really convincing. again, I'm not just buttering her bread. She looks like I've upset her. Yeah, she did great. She did great. So over and over, and by the way, every actor, I'm so sorry, I sound like a real idiot. They're like, yeah, that's acting.

But I'm a sensitive guy, and I even want my scene partner in the scene to smile and be like, it's okay, I like you. So I had to get over that. So they call cut, we're done, or maybe they're moving the cameras or something. And I'm talking, and I noticed that I'm going around kind of, checking in with the cast, with the crew, like making sure who, Danny, the guy who plays the killer, who knows how that dude felt? Because he is straight up strangling women. Yeah. And it's brutal. Yeah. That man gets my full respect because I just had to have an awkward

date. And I'm walking around and I'm kind of like, usually like, the needy part of me wants people to be like that was so funny when you improvise that line what a great choice now i'm like how do you even get complimented on this yeah and i think it was um maybe a wardrobe person maybe a makeup person was like she said something like that was great and i was like oh yeah and she's like it reminded me of every bad date i've ever been on and i and i was again kind of like wow you know what i mean like now i'm like that's good it's a deep compliment yeah because you sold it we sold it but i'm 45 years old and I've been in a dozen things and I'm just now understanding like what I saw Joaquin Phoenix doing on her yeah he's just trying to be the guy and the compliment it's a delayed

gratification thing comedians are used to getting the laughs I want video I want to ruin the take you know what I want the scene partner to laugh you want the cameraman shaking that's it on on the tripod yeah and I just want to go home it's it's like a it's like I just want to eat cake yeah I just want immediate gratification Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what I'm realizing what dramatic actors are doing, like Danny as the killer, and Joaquin in her, they're delaying their gratification. They go to the premiere, and everyone goes, how the fuck did you do that? You were like a different person.

This is what they'd say to these guys. Yeah, yeah. And that's their laugh. So they tell a joke or they do a performance. And like six months later, they get the award, the acionate. And I'm learning now that that's very interesting. to me. You know, my take when I'm on set and I feel like I've done, like I've hit a home run or I've done a take really well or I'm with another actor who's maybe, you know, a lot more season

than me. My mindset is just like when they yell cut, it's just like, it's just like what, no one says anything. That's what you want. That's the standing ovation. It just feels like to me, it's like we're all in the zone. Yeah. And it's almost like a wisp of smoke. You ever see like a, When a jet fighter lands and that wisp of smoke trails away, it's almost just like, we did it. It's all okay. Don't even talk about it. Yeah.

To me, it's almost like a ghost. And then you, like you say, one of the most exciting things about movies is going to the premiere and then you see it. And you see everyone else kick ass. You hope that you're up there with them. And then when you are, you know it. You know when you've got there.

And it's like so fun. Well, that's the other thing. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I had so many thoughts about this is that at the premiere yeah i look i'm only going to say this one this is the last time i'm going to say it because i'm just so worried about sounding like a hollywood you're not you're entitled you did some great work and you're entitled to talk about it but i'm about how great the movie is as a whole and when you're in the movie i think people think like you're in the marketing you know if i didn't like the movie i could say it wasn't for me like right right right

I'm safe to say that. When I watched everyone in that movie, there's like seven people in the movie. Yeah. And everyone's killing it. Yeah. When your scene comes up, you're like,

God damn it, please don't let this be the one part of the movie where it's for some reason, I know it wasn't, but like comedian Pete Holmes is just for some reason in the movie. You know what I mean? It was actually the opposite.

It stood out. It stood out. Oh, good. And that's why, you know, I did that with Bill Burr about two, three years ago. Yeah, I was watching Mandalorian.

Uh-huh. And I had no idea he was in it. And all of a sudden he popped up and he had like two episodes. There I am. Yeah. I got to shoot a guy with a lightsaber. He was out in space. I'm out in space.

There's a dead star. You know it's fucked up when the name is a death star. That's what you're doing. They're up there. You're going to shoot a laser tattooing. Is that what you're going to do? Get the fuck out of here. You say Bill Burke kicking the shit of an Ewok.

You got a lot. I love it. I'll drop kicking I walk. I don't give a shit. I'll kick it right in the ovarian cancer. I know you're not too far. I know what you were doing. I went over EWalk Mountain and I'm not able to get back. You're not even supposed to say EWalk anymore. It's supposed to be little bear. Fuck that. What about just ovarian cancer? Ovarian cancer. Get a standing ovarian for that one. He wouldn't do a pun. He wouldn't do a pun. But anyways, I had the same experience. He really surprised me because he had a very nuanced performance.

That's how I felt about Billy Boy and Breaking Bad. Yeah, he did it there too. When he shut up at Breaking Bad, I was like, for our people, not for standups, not for Bill. Now we all know Bill's a great actor, but that was one of his early thing. It was one of the first thing I saw him in. He didn't have as much screen time there, but in Mandeloran, he just nailed it. I was really, I'm proud whenever I see my kind of. cohorts, kick ass in acting.

And they've been doing it for a while, but when you see them sort of plateau to a new level, I really, I love it. That's really nice. Yeah, it's beautiful. Being a Bill Burr on a green screen being like, George Lucas, none of the shit's real.

I'm over here. I'm looking for Java. He's CGI. Jesus Christ. You're telling me I don't get a real blaster? What you love is that? Just complaining about everything. Boba Fett, Bobafet, which is it?

It's Boba, Bill. Um, speaking of serial killers now, is, are, do they get way too much exposure in this country on this planet? Yeah. Like, what, what's the deal? Like, I feel like serial killers get more specials and movies and TV series than, I'm with you. Than actors that dedicate their life to Juilliard. Or people that get the Nobel Peace Prize.

There's, there's like no, dude, I used to have a bit where I was like, if I'm leaving a comedy club. Yeah. There's so many Netflix murder series. If I'm leaving a comedy club and someone kills me, as I'm bleeding out on the pavement, he leaves. As I'm bleeding out, I'm going to go,

great, this is going to be an eight-part Netflix series. It's going to be the comedian who killed or the killing comedian or whatever it is. Like, I really think as I'm dying, I might go, for fuck's sake.

And I want to, like, I do not consent. Unless there's a lot of money for my wife. Yeah. Wow. You can have it, sweetie.

If you got a, if you got a fat check for fucking homes, Dead homes or whatever the fuck. Yeah, dead homes. We love it. We're still the same as the people that used to watch gladiators stabbing each other or getting Christians eating by lions. Like, we're the same fucking thing.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I guess so, but then you kind of, it was almost like you paid for a sport, like a blood sport. Yeah. But now these guys are slinking in the shadows and doing horrific things to other human beings. And we put them on such a pedestal.

It's just movies and TV. TV series. Well, you can't help it. It's like the, remember, there's the expression that, like, boobs are the cheapest special effect. Have you heard that? No. Like, the people that made slasher movies in the 80s, they were always like, you put

boobs in it. This was the mentality. Yeah, yeah. Because it's like a special effect that's very. Yeah, Halloween, there was a scene where the girl had the boobs. Well, there were always a slumber party massacre is like a good example of, like, well, people will watch it because it's kind of like softcore porn a little bit. Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, the, the, the, the. quickest way for me and you to get into that electric space of storytelling is for me to tell you that there's a killer in your neighborhood. Like, it just is. It's the cheapest special effect. Even if you know it's not real, and I was like, if I, it wouldn't work if I told you it wasn't real, but if I was like, Harlan, there's a guy going house to house, apparently he knocks. So if you, like, I mean, like, this fucking. fake that's pretty good and we're immediately kind of like because it goes right into our survival instinct and we're just like am i going to die you know and we like that it's titillating it's literally

just for the record this is los angeles so there's actually three serial killers in my neighborhood well that's why they have to have different knocks yeah this is eddie Eddie Eddie's kind of funny yeah uh the one i just did that's Malcolm Malcolm and then the third uh Patty slap patty so she's just oh she's the one with the nub yeah She's got the nub. Oh, God. She nubs you. She'll nub you.

If you want to support this podcast, please send $700. $700 to directly hardland at Venmo.org slash farmers only.com nubb. W. I put the W-WWW on the end. George W-W-W-W-Bush. Oh, wow. Wow, was another W. That's five.

What? Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. That's three. When? Five, four. What are the chances?

Journalism would be who, what, where one, why. And then Howe sneaks on there like the fucking latecomer. What's going on, guys?

We're doing a thing, how. Wow. It was where, what, when, why. And then fucking how shows up.

Ruins everything. It's always the Detroit Red Wing. how how about wherefore gordie how the Detroit red wings famous hockey player I didn't get it I like that you got it I would hope that you would get it where when why goody how oh my god if you were this is a hypothetical or is it shrimp family of shrimp if Pete Holmes becomes or maybe secretly already is a serial killer yeah what's the name what's the methodology for

well there was a serial killer named homes really yeah yeah yeah and what this is fucked up dude he had a hotel so why was at homes shouldn't have been hotel it's a homes away from homes okay so you homes and this is going to sound made up but the hotel was like rigged it was like a prank house but the prank was you dead it's fucked up the prank was your what Howard homes your dad you're dead meaning oh I'm making this up but let's say there's a closet you open and you fall in and now you're in a yeah that's the time for your izzie yeah I keep going brought to you by Izzy the drink so good you interrupt your guest he don't let drink you interrupt your story you did it on Mike I've always told you not to

I wasn't talking, though. So you wasted one guy. Fax. Machine. Tuna. Salad sandwich? Bagel. On cream cheese?

I do it in reverse. You're like the lawyer for cream cheese. I am tired of people saying the cream cheese goes on the bagel. The bagel goes on the cream cheese. All the dairy farmers stand up. They're crying. Crying milk. Oh, wow.

God, calf milk. Whoa. Why? When? Willie Wonka. Wow. Gordy. From the Red Wings.

The Detroit Red Wings. Always Detroit. He called him elbows. He always elbowed everyone in the face. Oh, wow. He was like the Gretzky of the 60s and 70s. What a scoundrel. He was like one of the top hockey players, but elbowed everyone.

But Pete, I feel like you deflected a little bit. I didn't deflect. I was just. thinking about how I would do it. Well, wait, I asked you what you would be as a serial killer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you instantly, suspiciously went into this other story about some guy in a hotel or a house or something. Really kind of leading us away from what's going on inside your head.

I'm not just saying this. This jacket is the jacket of a serial killer because they're very innocuous. Wait, a serial kid, again, referring to another someone else. Like a serial, meaning non-serial. Is it, Pete? My first. I mean. So what are you saying?

Are you the jacket off serial killer? Are you asking me just to be super clear? Yes. If I were to murder a lot of people, how would I do it? How would you do it and what would your name be? Would you want to brand yourself as a serial killer? And we all know you've thought about it. Let's not give the old looking to the ceiling routine.

I just want to give a good... I would be, I would find my victims by finding people who are really inconsiderate. So if somebody's like, you know what's a new phenomenon? What? People that watch, like, Instagram. What do you mean inconsiderate? Oh my God. Then we cut to me.

Then we cut to you and you're dead. And we cut to me and I'm covered in your blood. That is. Did you just outline one of your murders? That's what's going to happen. Wow. Okay, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. So people that are in, look at the rage.

Dude, you just, I was just a sip guy. I don't want to die. Bro, buddy. Help a friend out. Thank you. Thank you. So, okay. So if you bump a phone call,

if you drive through your neighborhood with your windows down with a phone call, with a phone call. Yeah. On a loud volume. I follow you home. Wow. Kill you with the phone. Like, how do you,

you stab them with it? Oh, shove it down the mouth. Oh, so. And I call them and I go, you're going to want to get that. As it's vibrating and they're like, I'm like, should I leave a voicemail? Because I'm in your throat.

I might as well. And then I do, and that's the clue. That's my Zodiac letter. I leave a voicemail. And what's the name of your serial killer character, or real? um Siri

old killer oh my genius Siri ill killer Pete Pete Holier you shove the phone

down their throat call them the vibration causes their flaringics to close it's kind of like the vibration causes it to wedge deeper. There's a scene where a scientist goes like, the brilliance is that the vibration

actually is what causes the asphyxiation. Wow. They'll be like, this guy is... Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits,

where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bitter. That's where ORA in. Orra automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at aura.com slash control. That's A-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. A knowledge of the human anatomy. Imagine the last thing they said is Siri, am I going to die? And Siri goes, you're dead, motherfucker.

Yeah. As it's going down, you go, hey, Siri, what happens when you die? And then you go, never mind, you're about to find out. What if it goes, hey, Siri, what happens when I die? And it just goes, Pete, Holmes. What? Serial killer. And if you have an Android, I'd just leave you B because you're suffering enough.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Good call. Right? Good phone call. Oh, can I tell you mine? Oh, you have one? Oh, yeah, I thought this out.

I'm not going to just throw you out under the bus and let you be like, you know, everyone's like Pete Holmes thinks he's a cereal kid. Hey, excuse me. Excuse you. Oh, I drink and Izzy, but you didn't offer me one. They're right there, my guy. Grab one. Here my go.

Is it here my go again on my own? Here I go again. Here I go. Here'm? No, here. Here my. go again on my own here my go again on my own that sounds right no it's release mary dot again on my own i think that's it jong gong gong grab his grab an izzie my guy do you want one what's in it

it's like a razz blackberry like sparkling water oh it's not your thing oh excuse me serial killer all right what's yours the lecroy killer nope ready just kill them with a hint of a knife whoa Oh, that's a, that's a nice one. A knife one. Yeah, wife one. And you're French Canadian, so you know what? Three, wife four, wife five, what? And you're jerking up.

No, no. And you're jerking up. No, no, I'm churning butter. Feeding the chickens is one of the funnier ones. You know feeding the chickens? No. It's like you got the feed. The chickens.

Because I have chickens now and I masturbate in front of them all the time. Really? From one pecker to a little. another. Father? All right. I'm going to get an Izzy so you can get settled in. Well, so I can interrupt you.

I'll get my sip in. There's water, too, if you don't want an Izzy, my guy. Oh, those are good. Yeah. Okay. I like to be nice and calm when I'm doing. Yeah, podcasts for mass consent. All right, what's yours?

So my serial killer is, do you remember, what was his name? Buffalo Bill in the Silence of the Lambs? Wait, is she a great big fat person? Oh, wait. Wait, is she a great big fat person? Wait, is she a great big fat person? Wait. That guy, somebody, my wife just told me about when he auditioned, he creeped everyone out so bad.

He knew he got the part. Oh, see, that's what we were talking about. That is what we were talking about acting. You just, sometimes you just know that it's a very weird thing that. Did you just barf a little bit? I did a little burp. Was it liquid? No.

It was just like an accent burp. Like you know, you ever see a till day? You ever see a thing. An enye? Yeah. An enyee on the top of like. Well, that's a till day. Like let's and then there's a little.

Oh, an apostrophe? There was a little apostrophe. Don't bring Spanish into it if we have it in English. Release merid dot. release merry dot i want to wish you a merry dot hostage in the basement christmas release merry dot not yet i needed for another hour wait what that sounds like something the syri of killer would say oh hey mariachi guitars they're a little high they are oh yeah little high yeah little high maybe they have polio you've brought you're in a dark way today

that's what she said that didn't there's no double meaning there no no I did work I effed up no it worked thank you friend thank you friend

hey friend if you were calling me and you were trying to really not a joke really make it so I didn't know who you were yeah I'm going to close my eyes because it's the phone your life depends on it If I say, Heartland, you're dead.

So you have to disguise your voice as best you can. Okay. Hello. Hello. What's this please? Very good. Yeah? Would that trick you?

Yeah, very good. What do I win? Your life. Oh, thank you, Siri. Oh, killer. Siri. A little killer. All right, here's mine.

So Buffalo Bill. What did you kill? So I want to be like Buffalo Bill. but because we get all these TV shows and movies and series, I want to be branded. So I want to be wild Buffalo Bill Wings, the serial killer. And then my murders are,

I kind of dalmer it up a bit. And I eat my victims, but because I'm a wild buffalo wings bill. Oh, with buffalo sauce. Terriaki. I can honey garlic them. I can hot sauce though. What if you didn't like the hot?

He doesn't do the fire sauce. He can stomach murder. Yeah. But not of the spice. Yeah, yeah. Like, I need like the milder sauces. You like? Is this a sponsor?

No. Oh, never drink for free. Really? Is he. Izzy isn't paying you? Is he paying you? Is he paying you? Or isn't he?

is he not paying it he's not that's not that's not fair but you got to have humans are a lot of meat so if you're going to be a serial killer that eats them you want to season them up yeah that's fair right yeah and i'm already a brand name so it's like i'm you know i'm already got a branding worked in for my tv deal tonight brought to you by wild bill buffalo wings wait harold harle Island Wild Billiams. Yes. Harland Buffalo Billiams. Yes.

Harland Wild Wings Buffalo Billiams. Call me what you want. I'm still going to kill you. That's good. It's a good slogan. Billigans. It's me. Paul Jamati.

Oh, wow. That wasn't good. That was great. Da! Yeah. We're not going to drink any. It's Bill Burr. Remember the scene where they're drinking the wine?

They're doing the wine tasting and the other guy's chewing gum. Yeah. And then your guy. Are you chewing gum? Yeah. It's my favorite. Are you, are she chewing gum? It's just so incensed.

You just, like he pulls out of. My favorite line, he goes, we're drinking a raceling with artichoke hearts, but she didn't care. Yeah. As if we know what that means. You do great impressions for a serial killer. Oh. Ooh. You ever do an impression of someone living?

See you later, pops. Do a voice match of you. cute of you you just did me i'll do you did you cut yourself no i kept thinking i did oh god we don't want open lacerations on the heart oh i forgot to do that i forgot to do the intro guy ladies and gentlemen welcome to the hall of highway podcast with my very special guest actor supreme actor comedian writer producer director pete holmes is here his second visit and pete we sort of started the first four minutes uh we dipped into some dark stuff let me the intro yeah this will this play before the episode no this is it it'll be here this is here so they've already heard all that like

suicide yeah but they had it coming they knew what they were getting they deserved it they know they know the brand you get on the harland highway you don't know where the speed bumps are and there's no speed limit. If you get hit like a dirty possum crossing the road, chasing a moth, you had it coming. You had it coming. What's the difference between that moth and a butterfly? Perception. I'm your host, Harlan Williams.

Go ahead. You're the host. Oh, puppy dog pals. That's passive income for me. I barely approve the outlines. I went in and said I have two dogs And they get an adventures

While I'm at work And they just gave me a briefcase of cash All I do is sit around And look at the merch sales Uh, correct All right I want to lighten the mood a little Because we talked about some dark stuff

D.S. We all have a happy place HP Where does Excuse me, where does Pete Holmes go? What is your happy place? If you're in a funk, if you're, if you're feeling down, or even if you wake up and you're feeling okay,

what's Pete Holmes kind of happy place? Do you have a routine? Do you have a ritual you perform? What do you do? To get in the zone? Yeah. Where's Pete Holmes happy place? Look, I don't want to be a fucking heel right now,

but I do have an answer to your question. You better. The first answer, I would say, I love getting in the ocean. If I'm having like a fucked up fuck, I'll get in the ocean. Look behind you, guy. That's why you're doing so good on the Harland Highway today. Oh, nice. What is it about the ocean?

Is it therapeutic? Is it the salt? Is it the critters? What is it? The tide? The energy? Well, I'm a very big guy. Yeah.

I weigh about like 235. Six, five and a half. Yep. So I get in that drink and I'm being held. Yeah. Like something's holding me for a fucking change. Waitless. You're back in the womb.

Back in the womb. So it feels like flying and I love it. And the salt, it just feels like it's cleansing. And they say it's very grounding. Yeah. So it's like you're connected to the earth and that. So,

but I love your question and I'm going to try not to overindulge in my answer. Okay. But I'm a highly sensitive person, meaning like in every way. Like, I like things like this. I understand this. Yeah. It might seem like I'm not based on this.

No, no, we're locked in. We're locked in. I like it. Me too. Like the way that Times Square can calm someone down who has ADD, you know? It's like peace through stimulation. Yeah. So I feel great right now.

But a lot of times in my life, like I know people say this. I don't quite know what to do. And sometimes I'll give you an example from today. Yeah. We were getting coffee, my wife and I, and the woman behind the counter was like, Oh, I was just thinking about you guys, and I hadn't seen you in a little while. Yeah. And at the time, I was throwing away a piece of, it was a wristband that I got at a carnival.

So it was this orange wristband. And I had been rolling it up. And she goes, I was thinking about you guys. I hadn't seen you a while. And I went, and I picked up the tip cup. And I went, well, you just earned yourself a tip. And I put the wristband in the tip cup. Yeah.

Now, everyone knows I'm joking. Yeah. But in that moment, I'm like, yeah, it's not a joke. You're like a weird dude. You know what I mean? It's like you're most comfortable on stage. Yeah. I'm most comfortable with my wife and my daughter.

These are comfortable places. Yeah. But a lot of times I'm doing bits that are like, who is this for? What do I think she's going to do? And I'm like, you earn yourself a tip. And you just got to let it go because she knows us. But anyway, the answer to your question, which I love. Now, I'm 45 years old.

I think that is something to do with it. I also, I'm a father, and I get up at like 5 a.m. Oh, fucking love it. You do. I was up at 5 this morning. I fucking love it. What time do you go to bed, though? I went to bed at 10.

Okay, that's fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I have shows, I don't get up at 5 morning. If I'm going to bed at 12, I'm going to get up at 7. Why do you like 5am? I'm guessing the serenity, the calm? What is it? You're cooking.

Is that what was I to hit it? You're cooking on my burner. Let me tell you something. If you check your email at 5am, you're a fucking idiot. You know what I mean? If you check your, there's nothing happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you send a text at 5 a.m?

You're a fucking psycho. You're the serial killer. Like, you're nuts. Unless you have asshole friends on the East Coast who don't get it. I suppose. But I don't really. So anyway, it takes all of that. It's like the world hasn't started yet.

Yeah. The sun isn't up. It's dark. So I call it second night. Nice. You get up. The stars are out. I live outside of the city.

So see the stars, it's dead quiet. The birds are still asleep. Yeah. My dog is like half awake. He wakes up. So you have the world to yourself. You have everything. And every minute you spend by yourself.

And I just happen to be a morning person. So this works for me. It feels like you're robbing a bank because you're stealing it. You're stealing these moments. And then what I do, it's 5 a.m. I have a cold plunge. We're almost done. I know.

Everyone's rolling their eyes. It's another podcast where we're talking about fucking cold exposure. I'm not even rolling my eyes. I feel physically sick inside. Yeah, you hate it. No, but keep going. I, something about being a highly sensitive person, I swear. Yeah.

I like the over-stimulation of being in very, very cold water. So it's 39 degrees, and there's something I get in it. And here's what I like. I'll be real quick, because again, there is just too much podcasting about cold exposure. But what I like about it, I haven't heard people talk about it, is that it's a forced meditation. You literally can't get in cold water and stay in cold water unless you can't, control your breath. So you can sit on a cushion and try and do some breath work. That takes some discipline. If you get in cold water, the only discipline is getting in it. And once you're

in it, you're literal, it's not your survival, but it feels like it. Yeah. Is, is married to your ability. I do box breathing. So it's four long seconds in, hold for four seconds, four long seconds out, hold for four seconds. Okay. Wow, you should work for FedEx or something. You're so fun. And thanks for keeping this light. So I do that. Here's the reason why that's an answer. If I'm having a day, if I were working for the company, and I'm not. Yeah.

They're not a sponsor. I don't even know. It's called the plunge. I don't know what it is. But anyway, if I'm having a fucked day. Yeah. And that happens pretty often. Like you just get the wrong amount of sleep.

Yeah, yeah. You're in the wrong mood. You eat the wrong thing for breakfast. It happens all the time. Yeah. And you're just like. You just can't find it. Yeah.

You're looking for it. I think a cold plunge is like nine hours of sleep. Wow. In three minutes. It's incredible. That's amazing. After I get out. Yeah.

So I'll do probably four minutes as an average that would in the punch. My record is eight. I said it yesterday. And this is with ice. There's ice in the water or is it just cold water? It's 39 degree water. Okay. You don't need the ice.

Four degrees off of being ice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I got that right. There was an extreme time where I would put ice in it as well, but it's cold enough. Yeah. So I'm in it. Get out. The reason you do it long is because then I get out, I do something called, it doesn't matter.

I do kind of like a movement because it feels really good to move. So you shit? I shit. A bowel movement. Oh, my God. I can't help it. And it actually comes out frozen. It's got to be hard to when your asshole's frozen.

Is it hard to get it? It's clean. It's clean. I don't shit unless I'm frozen. Okay. That's me. Wow. That's me. You can use it for a hockey puck, too.

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I feel like I'm about to Maybe not sell you on this But at least make you understand What the cold plunge? What this next part though Okay wait for this Okay So you get out

Yeah, it's dark My dog's still asleep Yeah And you get out and you're not even cold anymore You've got you've transcended cold You don't really, you're numb really, but I get, I have a hot tub to 107 degrees. That's fucking hot. You go one to the other?

I get in it. Harland, we call it the FBJ, it's the full body jizz. I would put, the longer you do in the tub, the reason you try to push to eight minutes is because the longer in the cold, and I don't recommend this for beginners, I'm not a medical professional, so don't take your advice from me. Okay. But if you get in for eight minutes and then get in the hot water. But even if you do three minutes and then get in the hot water, the reason I call it a full body jizz,

I swear to God, I swear, I would put that feeling next to an orgasm. And it's almost indiscernible. When you're in cold water, all your blood vessels contract. It's real thin. When you get in hot water, they expand. So what's happening is a full body. orgasm and the, it's not literally an orgasm, but like the weirdest part is an orgasm lasts a couple seconds.

There's like a, I know, you're a big, 25 minutes, ropey, at least, fire hose ding-dong, 25 minutes at least. People leave, get a sandwich, come back. I leave and get a sandwich. I got to wear an adult diaper they last so long. This guy's at fat sales, jizzing his jeans. So. By the way, that's one of the names of their sandwiches too, the jizzy jeans, pastrami.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fantastic. Oh, with the thin slice. And the mayonnaise. Fantastic. For most human people, an orgasm is only a couple seconds. When you get in hot water after being in cold water and you have that full body contraction,

I'm going to say it lasts at least 10 seconds. And that's, for me, five times longer than an orgasm. So you're in it. And then it's 512 a.m. Yeah. And I've already had the best feeling a human being. That's pretty good. Can I throw a little caution because I'm obviously care for you?

My heart? Have you done any research the extreme cold to the extreme hot? Is there any history of people suffering cardiac arrest? Like exploding? Due to the extreme instant changes in body temperature. Because sometimes when the heart takes shocks like that, it doesn't always end well. I'm not a doctor either, but I suggest you maybe research it. Give it a Google.

Google it up. Google for life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, honestly, dude, it's obviously crossed my mind. Actually, we're talking about my life and death. Well, that's why I said I'm not advising this to anybody because obviously you need to, the first time I did it, we're looking at like a 60 degree water for a cold. That's not that cold.

Yeah. And I was doing it for a minute. And then I was getting in probably 103 degree hot water. Just do a little research for me as your friend. I will. I want this serial killer to live, folks. I want him to live so that others can die. Like, because I care.

Like so many, I'm basing it on what Wimhoff does. You know Wimhoff. I love women. What did you say? Wimhoff? No, thanks. I'm straight. Oh, man.

You're fine. Dude. Do you know who Wimov is? No. Okay. Who is it? Wimhoff, it doesn't mind. He's called the Ice Man.

He does stuff. Just tell me on a whim. What is it? Who is he? All right, Hoff and stuff. Whoa. I'm trying. I'm trying.

Can I tell you what I do? I do the plon. Is this a bit? No, this is for real, because I do the cold plunge. You do? I do, but I do with ice, and I'll sit in it. My record is 12 minutes, and what I do, I love, I love pastries. So I sit in this damn stuff until my nipples get as hard as diamond cutters,

and I'll go down to a pastry window at 6 in the morning, and I just do this rotating thing where my cheek, They cut holes in the bakery window. And I can read through and get the freshly baked door. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is it my turn to shine? When does Daddy get to party? I love it.

When does Daddy get to rock and roll on party street, guy? What is it my turn to be a Dairy Queen's Blizzard? That's your merch. When does Daddy get to, what was it? Throwdown on Party Street? But I'd wear a t-shirt that says, when does Daddy get to blah, blah, blah, blah, on Party Street.

Can I, can I tell you about my happy place? I feel, if you don't do a real one, I'm doing a real one, then I'm a heel. And to prove it, I'm going to, I'm going to help you demonstrate, have you help me demonstrate how I get there. Diamond cutter nips? Nope. Joe rogue nips? When I'm, when daddy's feeling down, when daddy's, when daddy's, I missed. I miss

Oh, where did it go? Oh, and your cleavage. You have wonderful cleavage, by the way. I've always known that. Do you have a training bra on right now or is that natural? No, the Wonderbra was actually sculpted after me. Are you serious? So they said, Pete just take your shirt off and then they were like,

we can do that with women. And I said, not without paying the piper. And then they didn't. Oh, no, they're putting a little lettuce into the cleavage. Put a little lettuce down there. George. George. Pay George.

Spare me the ranch. You just put the lettuce straight between my high ones. Whoa. Sarah. That's my, that's my Paul Rudd impression. Paul Rudd. You're good an impression.

No, no. This one I'm proud of because it's not really a good impression, but it's what he does. Okay. You'll know, he does a riff. Yeah. And then he does another riff where it's like he doesn't know what he's thinking. Okay.

He'll be like, what are you drinking and is he? drinking a sparkling pomegranate. Is he? That's what he does. I swear to God. Yeah, you're right. It's not laugh out, laugh out funny. Yeah. But now that I pointed it out, Paul Rudd will do two and the second one he'll stammer while he looks for it. He's like, what do you got a little truck on here?

You've got a little, is that a farmer wagon? Watch. Yeah, you're right. I'm not saying it's not good. It's great. I'm just saying that's the code. You figured out his pattern. Just saw that, just musician to musician. Yeah. That's what he's doing. You've decoded Rudd. Which is the name of your new book, by the way.

It's actually a Netflix series, and it's only half an episode. Because it's just me explaining that. So 15 minutes? What is this? You got like a wind screen on here in case there's some gusts of wind in here? Paul Rudd. Great Rudd. Gray Red.

Oh, dude. Red, red. What's on the bottom of your boat? A rudder or a rod? What's in your wallet? Rita Rudner? Awkward silence. Everyone was

just like, is it over? That'd be a great one, the awkward silence serial killer. And you're almost grateful that he's killing you because at least something's happening. He makes you uncomfortable for like 45, 50 seconds and then puts you out of your misery.

And you go, thank you, thank you, thank you. And then your dad comes in looking for a clean place to jazz. Or is? Izzy. Jizzy? Ooh, a jizzy.

All right, you're going to help me get to my happy place. We're going to close out this segment. Okay. I'm, whenever I get down. I'm a blueberry nut. I love blueberries. I love blueberries. I love blueberries.

And what I do, if I have a real friend, what I ask them to do, I love the feel of them pelting on my face. like angel fruit drops like just little like little AFDs it's yeah they're like little elf fruit pebbles on my face and whenever I'm feeling down a lot of times I'll throw them in my own face but I have a really good friend if you wouldn't mind just not the same doing it throwing a face cheering me up and throwing a few right just one at a time one at a time yeah just you're going to tell you're going to micromanage this well it's my happy place yeah I understand right in the face

You could hit my face once. I didn't know I wanted this. Wait, let me put my glasses on. Yeah, that's even better. There we go. Yeah. I feel good. Surprisingly hard.

Isn't it nice? Oh. I really want to get one behind the glasses. Oh, God. If you want to do a handful, too. Oh, blueberries, blueberries on my face. Raining fruit all over the place. Blueberries, blueberries in my face.

Watch this. I like the blueberries all over the place. Here's a slow-mo. I'm so happy blueberry face. Here's you watching the slow-mo on the podcast. I got to put that up. Of course. You've got to send that to it.

No, I just deleted it. Do you want to feel, see how it feels? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Dude, it's just so soothing. Ready? You were good at not flinching. I feel like I'm very flinchy. Yeah.

Is that nice? It's like little raspberry, blueberry drops on your, here I'll do a handful. Well, if you reuse them, I'll get whatever it is that's been making you not look so well. Here it is, ready? Okay. Oh, God. Oh, no.

Now this one's in the mix. Oh, God. Now I'm not so happy. I don't want to snop Barry. Wait, wait. It's been quarantined. Pete Holmes. Dot net.

No.com. Org. W. org. O-R-G under a bridge. Org is the most serious website suffix. It is? Yeah, org.

What if you live in Oregon? Maybe Gov. What if you live in Oregon? Do you have to do dot-Oregon. And then they just think you're, well, you already said Oregon. What about when you're like in Europe and it's like www. You know, like the queen's knees. dot CO.

E.U.R. U.K. U.K. Almost lost the war. dot W. America saved you. Dot W.W. Winston Churchill. And it redirects to

your welcome.com. And we'll take the Beatles and never talk about it again. Yeah. Oh. The Beatles. This is another impression? Yeah.

Who is this? Ringo. Ringo. Ringgo Stone We had this sketch It sounded a bit like Barry Gibb It was like you looked like Barry You were doing Ringo But you looked like Barry Gibb

Well The youngest Beegee brother that died early And then his dad And dated Victoria What's her name? It's a secret Victoria's secret Oh no

I know what you're doing I know what you're doing You're ready for our final segment Pete Holmes Words from a wooden ship Wouldn't you, you reach in Pete, you remember, pull out a word, see if it. This is a force. Yeah.

You want me to take that one? No, no. Here, I'll shake it up. It looked like a force. And then you see if there's a story from somewhere in your journey in life you can share with my 15 or 16 viewers. Pete Holmes, everyone. Dad memory. Oh, here we go.

Here we go, Pete. there's got to be so many is there one that's worthy of the Harland Highway podcast that keeps our viewers locked in gripping the edge of their seats something that makes them hit subscribe yeah could you hit subscribe

yeah will you stick around and subscribe if this story is worthy dad memory Pete well I my dad I love my dad very much So do I. Well, you and he were. Had eye infections? Yeah, in the 90s.

Together. Together. Go ahead. My dad, like me, hates merging with a group. He doesn't like being in a group. He wants to stand out. Okay. I really like that about him.

Where does that come from? I don't know. Okay. But we feel the same. We don't feel safe if we start dissolving into like a group identity. Okay. he'll, like, rebel against it. That's very similar to me being like, here's your tip.

Like, that's me being like, I'm not some customer. I'm a weirdo. Yeah, you want people to remember you. Death before just some guy. Yeah. In fact, my wife would tell you, she would laugh. She would go, the worst thing you can be to me or my father is a dud. Like, that's like the worst sin.

You know, that's how a British person pronounce his dad, right? My dud. Yeah. My dad doesn't like duds. Yeah. He doesn't like duds. Who likes a dad? My dad.

My father. Who's my dad? My father doesn't like it when you're a dud. He's a dud dad to me. Milk duds are milk dads. And if it's a milk dad, that's your mum. Because if it's lactating, that's a lady. Oh.

Why am I scared? I don't know. I'm going to GGB. I'm going to GGB. Here comes the Twizzler. I think I just got a bunch of subscribers. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay. I'm going to tell you the memory. Yeah, go, go, go. Don't give me blue boge. Sorry. So my mom was, uh, she was more religious than she is now. And she used to be heavily involved in the church.

And one, uh, night she had the pastor over to her house, our house for dinner. And all these church people were there. So it was the pastor and the pastor's wife and all these church people. Yeah. And I was, I remember watching being like, this is kind of weird. like watching my dad kind of in a sweater merging with a church group. Okay. Like kind of dissolving.

Can I just add real quickly, this reminds me of the scene and the Exorcist when they had the little party and the priest was at the piano and Raven came down the stairs and peed on the carpet. But that's just me. I think she pukes on the carpet. She peed. She just stood there and urine started coming out of her from under her little nighty.

And they all just stopped. The priest was at the piano. They're all just like, You said the priest was at the piano so many times it made me think it was your Hulu password. Add an 888 on the end of it and it is. Triple-Aid. So my dad's version of peeing on the carpet

because he did want to disrupt the party. Not quite that extreme. He said, for everyone to hear, he goes, Pastor, this is exactly what he sounds like. When you go to the bathroom, do play with your due-to-do? And the pastor was like, like what is this is this a real like is this like are you looking for spiritual guidance

and he goes what and my dad goes you know it's when you take the empty toilet paper roll put it to your mouth and go do to do and uh fewer laughs than my tip jar moment nobody laughed but I was like and when I was a kid I was with my mom

I sided with my mom like preposterous okay I can't believe it but now I look back And I'm like, yeah, he wasn't, uh, it's like Bill Burr, I'm not playing by your rules. Yeah. I'm going to tell my dumb joke. Yeah. You're in my house.

Yeah. You hear my fucking dumb joke. Yeah. You deal with it. I love it. And I love it too. That's the way he is. My father once, the pastor at our church, different pastor, once told my father, I work alone at

church because my dad kept talking. Yeah. He goes, I work alone like Sinatra in the nightclub. I work alone because my dad wouldn't stop talking. Wait. Who said I work alone? The pastor. The pastor said it to your dad.

The pastor would be like, and why did Jesus say we're like the sheep? And my dad would be like, because there's a group of them, you know, he's like a shepherd. And he'd be like, I work alone.

Wow. Yeah, so that's my dad. Wow. He's got an interesting voice. Holland, Peter, what was it like doing the Holland Highway, Peter? Is that my dad asked questions. He doesn't want you to answer.

You just go like, what did you think it was like? He seemed a little weird. Is she a bit weird, Peter? That's a good voice. Yeah. Oh, I'm pitching a cartoon about my family. Let's see if I get to do that. You got to do that voice.

Professionally. Yeah. And then my mother is this, oh, Petey, sweetie, your father is inanimate. He sounds like Stewie, basically. Wow. From family guy. Yeah, we'll see.

Wow. My best impression is my brother. This is my brother. If he heard me on this podcast, my brother would call me and go, Harland Highway, dude. that's exactly what he sounds he sounds like carlton the doorman from that that that that sitcom in the 70s carlton carlton is it's carlton the door man remember yeah kind of monotown what was that the show dumb and dumber dude civil you should ask him about drinking the beer and dumb and

dumb and that was hilarious this is your brother asking me harlan what was actually in the beer mom that's what my brother and i might can i answer but he wouldn't uh ask a question but you can can you ask it again as your brother harlan williams harlan what was uh in the bottle of beer in that movie uh what was his name john john i only respond to your father fuck off harland uh in that movie dumb dumb and you drink the beer what was in that bottle was it really beer it was the girl from the exorcist's urine oh my god i knew you were it'd call you a fruit or something yeah there's yeah yeah yeah you're very weird fruity well i do like blueberries in the face so i deserve it he's a little bit weird yeah my dad always says that conspiratorily

he should be aware a little bit weird it's not quite right but i mean you're on to something you're picking up by how your tongue has to be kind of i hate them all around it or It's not that different from Jeff Bridges, man. Yeah, not too bad. Hey, man. Pete got in the room. Great to be here on Ireland Highway, man. So, but why don't you tell the folks about, give yourself a little endorsement.

Tell them about your podcast and your upcoming projects, Pete. Well, go see me on the road, petehomes.com. I'm taping my special in Portland on December 20th. The first show sold out. I think the second show, there's still tickets. And the night before on the 19th, I'll be in Seattle. Portland.org? Portland.

Or, sorry, dot org agone. Nice. And then my podcast is called, you made it weird. Harlan did it. It was great. It was so great, you stole a clip of it.

I put the whole thing on my podcast, and I told you last time, I thought you were mad at me all these years. Thank God you weren't, because look at all the fun we have. I know. We have tons of fun, and I love being here,

and I'm trying to think if there's anything else. I really just want to sell tickets on the road. Yeah. That's the most fun. Yeah, tell them again. You're... Seattle, we got fucking Indianapolis, we got Arizona. What's the website?

Pete Holmes.com. And if you don't come, someone's going to visit your house and shove a cell phone down your throat. I'm not going to say who, but somebody. You'll never catch me. There's a calf noise, gang. That's it for today. But Harlan Williams is thinking.

Wow. I've ever wondered what he is drinking. Is that Bruce Springsteen? Oh, it's his brand spiraling soda. Wow. He's the worst little guy call him yoda. Whoa. Play this in black and white when I'm dead.

Pete had a heart attack in his cold blood. Yeah, he did. I'll be there to save you, friend. Thanks, man. Friend. Friend. Until next time, everybody. Chicken Chowmaine.

And we'll see you on the dark side of the moon, Pink Floyd. Perfect. You got right when it ended. That was incredible. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend.

It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland. Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers.

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