The Harland Highway - PETE HOLMES - Child in earthquake does a play for parents! WHAT???

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Comedian Pete Holmes talks children in earthquakes, life, therapy, and the cycle of a butterfly! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, don't forget to turn your phone on silent, please. Buddy, my phone's always on the phone. My phone is so silent, mine's on Helen Keller. Are you going to puke? What is... Let it out, guy. He's his hair. Oh, it was a Helen Kelter hair.

We did a sketch years and years ago. You're an artist? Sorry, guy. Okay, come on, come on. I had to set the tone. I had to let them know this was a comedy podcast. Oh, serious one. Oh, okay.

Wait, there'll be no donkey gray. Oh, okay. Wow. Wow. We did a comedy sketch. Could I get one? Oh, okay. There's your gift.

You can say that. My gift? You know what a gift is? I really don't, to be honest. I remember when you would go to the five and then you'd put a nickel in the thing and it would play like a horse running around? Yeah. And you'd look in and you go, wow, that's a horse.

Oh, that's a kid. You know, when you were a little boy. It's like that, but you text him. each other. But that's called a rotoscope. It's like a rotoscope, a three-second rotoscope that you text to one another. But it's called a GIF. And the phonograph is an MP3 now. It is? These are riffs. I don't like old jokes. What happened? I know. What happened? I don't like this tone I'm taking with you. Yeah. And that's something someone your age would say. I don't like the time. I don't like that. I doubled down. I doubled down. My dad used to work for the phone

company and he'd say that all the time. I don't like the tone you're taking with me. Check your dial tone. Yeah. I thought you'd keep it in the family. You'd keep it in the family. You sure did. You're going to like the sketch, though. Oh, yeah.

Tell me about your sketch. I was, it's a sketch comedy. Yeah. Short form, situational comedy. And I was very stoned when I thought of it, but I think it's still valid. Okay. It was a phone that had three settings, ring, vibrate, and burn me. And what?

Burn me. Like it would heat up. So, like, if you're at a concert and there's a lot of bass, you would still feel your phone and it would get really, really hot. In your pocket. So you'd have a hot pocket. Jesus, dude.

It's not real. It's just for comedy laughs. And then I took it too far. We ended up shooting that. But the one we didn't shoot, and this is just the stoniest idea ever. It's a phone. Another setting is it makes you vomit.

See, that's when you lose it. That's when you're almost like in absurd country. We're in Harland Highway. Oh, yeah, let me hit the theme music. Sorry, thanks for reminding me. Are you Canadian? Yeah, didn't know. Are you?

No. You will be. We all will be. Uh-huh. Well, now that's right, ladies and gentlemen. That's completely right. You're on the Holland Highway podcast. I'll say, I'll say.

He knows what he's on. He on the Holland Highway podcast. And here we go. My special guest today, Pete Holmes is here, everybody. How I could do they call you peter or just pee? How did you how did you get a band that would play two chords with drums behind it? It's something you've fair use. Just saw my fat.

Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da two chords. Where's it going? Where's it go? Oh it's in four parts. Holland Highway Podcast. I think it's a holland highway podcast. Now you play this. You're like Twisted Sister over there.

Oh, it's a heart of my head. You know I'm from those puppet dog cows. Oh, it changed. Right, right at the end, it fucked you over. Flourish. That's called a Fuck You Over theme song. Give me a second to Mark Ruffalo. Oh, dude.

I'll hook my jacket off. What do you think of that? Whoa. This just went viral. Whoa. This shit just went viral. Is that a gift? This is a gift.

This is a gift, not a gift. Are you going to flash your hooters? I wish I could. If I had the courage to just press them together. You kind of went halfway. I saw a little bit of belly. No, I untucked. I know, but I thought you were going to.

You thought I was going to. I'm not, I don't steal bets. That's spurt crashes. Well, he takes it right off. Oh, if I lift it up and just a little nippy tip. Like if you wanted to Marty grow my audience and flash them some milk jugs. Here's a real rule, ladies. Okay.

Get the beads first. Yeah. Don't give it away. Don't give the milk jugs away. Jugs is the funniest name for tits. Is that what you call them? No, I have never called. Let me see your jugs in the bedroom.

Where are you from? No, let me see those jugs. That's over. What about milk jugs? Maybe reveal your milk jugs to me. You ever have a girl with milk jugs so big? There's a missing child thing on the side of them? You're truly one of,

The gifts of Canada. Canada's given us a lot. Yeah. The NHL. The Blackberry phone I just learned. Yeah, that's right. The show, Nirvana, the band The Show. Oh.

Matt Johnson in general. And that joke. And you. Yeah. You're a gift. I'm a gift. I'm a Canadian gift. And we can make you into a gift.

A gift. But who's like you? Who's like you? Jesus? Well, yeah, all the greats. Full of me. miracles you're always walking on comedic water and then you pick up that water a lot of people don't know this the water that jesus turned into wine was what he walked on was the same water

which is why the wine is called barefoot whoa and i do a line academy and right on camera everyone's like wow yeah do you think if jesus came back today if if he came back today could he walk on bottled water or would that just be like a three stooges sketch or he's just like rolling down That would be the next level. It'd be like, Jesus only walks on Evian brand water, right? Or liquid death. Oh, wow. Liquid death, and then three days later, liquid life.

Liquid life, yeah. The Easter water. Bud life. Bud life. Wow. Hey, chief. He'd call Jesus Chief. In 2024?

Hey, chief. Because he called him rabbi back then. You did? People don't know that. He was Jewish, right? Jesus. He'll call rabbi. It just means teacher.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't bring up a J's top without this cheese top. You know what I'm saying? Do you have a rabbi? Do you have a rabbi? Do you have a rabbi? Do you have a rabbi?

Did you just say, do you have a rabbi? Yeah. What did you think about that? Orange juice. I never had a rabbi no. No. I've had rabbis on my podcast. Really?

It's called Pete Highway. You make to eat. Not even Holmes Highway. We went Pete Highway. Yeah. That's all you need. Jesus. Rabbi.

Yeah, they called him rabbi. Yeah. What was his name? Your rabbi's name. Mine? That did the podcast? Yeah. Rabbi Mordecai Finley, which is also my Netflix password.

It's also a motorcycle in Italy. Mordecai? The Mordecai Finley, 500. It will get you. And the helmet is just a little hard yarmica. Yeah, it is. Yeah. It's just like a little skull cap, yeah.

It's really just a coaster. Yeah. If you are going to crash, make sure you flip and land on the top of your head directly, almost like a head stand. And then you'll spin. Yeah. Because if you flip, that helmet ain't doing much, but if you can do a Cirque de Soleil wipe out and just be,

be right on the tip. No. You're going to live. I like the amicas that have a little hair clip in it. Oh, yeah. The no Lusica. Are those for headbanger Jewish people? Those are for the active religious.

But I can't imagine, like, is anyone, like you're going to work, you're a banker, you work at a hotel. Doesn't have to be banker. Or a hotel or a holiday inn. Or running Warner Brothers, just say what you're thinking. Or Warner Brothers, or the zoo or at 7-Eleven? I can see you trying. Like, can you, is there?

Anything you're doing that that's active that warrants a paper clip? Like, it's not like you're at an Iron Maiden concert and you've got to keep the Yamika on. You don't know a lot of Jews, man. Really? They throw down. Corvettes huge in the Jewish community. So it's not staying on. A convertible Corvett. A convertible.

Oh, I said Corvette. I meant convertible. Right, because a Corvette indoor, that's not going to flap. That's not going to do the Yamaka flap. No, no, no. The Jewish community loves a good convertible. You know what I'd love to see. And they also consider Goy's highly unconvertible.

It's hard to convert. Wow, dude. Power, you just power dropped me real hard. Just power dropped you. Power dropped me silently in the night. Yeah. Still got Christmas on the dingles. You tenderfooted me.

You power dropped me. I tenderfooted you. And you inkjet cartridge me right there, guy. Wow. We're low on science. Nice move. Nice play Shakespeare. But let me ask you this, because now I'm picturing a Jewish guy in a convertible.

We all are. He's flying along, 85 miles an hour. Old school cell phone. Right? Does the wind flip the yarmaca up? And now the yarmaca becomes a dragonfly catcher. Yes. And it says, if you can read this, my yarmacus come off.

It's like if you can do this, the bitch. Wow. I didn't make that up. I'm quoting. I don't call. Yeah. Bitches. Even biotches is over.

It is. A lot of stuff I'm saying today is like feels like it's over. You can do it. I can do it. There's a concession. We go, if a friend of mine goes, what's up, biotches? I'd go, no. And they'd go, Harlan Williams says it.

I go, he gets a pass. That's how he gets all that ass. The Harlan Williams pass. Are you offended by the word, the B word? Because I have four sisters and I rarely have ever said it in my life because it's so commonplace that word. You mean in the bad way? Like when someone goes bitch or calls you a bitcher.

Like, if you could look through the history of my life, probably uttered that word three times because every time I hear it it's a bad it's like I have four sisters and it's so insulting to me well it really context doesn't it I mean yeah Chappelle says it you're probably not cringing every time I am you are I am I don't like the word it's toxic to me like you know what I'm trying to bring back this is going to sound like a here we go here we go I think twat is very funny I love twat that's what I'm saying I'm doing a movie with judy Greer right now I knew we were going to be friends because I jokingly called she British? No. I'd say twat, wouldn't I? I say twat all the time, the British. That's why I was

wondering. They love the hard sea one, don't know. I love the sea, the hard sea. I used twat in a sentence with Judy and she laughed. She laughed. So is it? And I was like instant friends. If you love twat and I love twat, we love talk, say, say it. Twat, twat. You're a bell end. You know what that is? I don't know, but sounds like a meat sandwich. It's, you're close. What is it, love. A bell end. Come on, darling. Picture of bell. It's the bell. It's the bell. It's It's the tip of your cock, in it? It's like a mushroom cap. It's like a, there's your bell end.

The part that if you put a little dingy in it, you could ring it. Now I'm picturing some sadistic serial killer that's calling me to supper. I'm picturing the hunchback of not redame, fondling your niblet. I was at lunch yesterday in the waitress. I said, you have sparkling water. And she said, we have perrier. I was this close. You know why, Harland?

Not to shame her, which is why I didn't say me. Well, if she's fat, you could have said you've got dairy. air. How about that? Are you going to puke again? Dude, your air pukes. It's like, pump the air pukes, Ralph. I'm like a, I'm like a semi-truck. I have air brakes. I know. I shouldn't laugh. It goes, you air-pug. I air-puk. I gave you a hard air-puk. Yeah. Sorry, I interrupted your peri-air story. Well, it's a bigger topic, isn't it? It is. Yeah. Meaning, I'm wrong a lot, and I really like when someone says you're wrong. Like, I need someone. Oh, really? I like it. You don't mind that you're not insulted.

No, because they're helping you cheat at life. But what about creatively? Like, let's say you do a script or you're editing something and someone comes to you who's a creative guy and says, hey, you're wrong. About like a creative idea? Now are you okay with them? Less. Really?

Of course. Interesting. Okay. Because you're now critiquing my dream. That would be like I told you a dream I had. And you know, it shouldn't have been a 12 foot frog. It should be a 12 foot lizard. And I'd be like, what are we talking about?

Yeah. Because I'm having a dream. Yeah. And you're telling me my dream is wrong. But if I'm saying perrier, you know, my dad says, expresso. I'm never going to tell him. Yeah. Wait, espresso is not the right.

You say espresso? I do, but I don't drink coffee. I've never had a coffee in my life. See, this is what I'm saying. Can we, without humiliation, just say it's espresso. Espresso? Espresso. There's no X?

It's not the express train to coffee. town it's espresso for real please make this the clip just to help people what about the clip not the clip the twat the twat the twat the twat the twat the twat what about i say bitch on stage oh you're breaking my heart you know why that's such an affinity for you and now you're assaulting my four sisters well if that's all it took for me to be kicked out of your heart i didn't want to be in that cheap ass motel in the first place all it took was saying bitch i was never comfortable on your sheets. The heart hotel. A heart hotel. Room 666. Wow. Wow. No, I say bitch because I'm so not a person that would say bitch. So I have a joke. Oh, what is it? Here it comes.

Like morning radio. I love it. No, I'm not going to, I'm not going to leave my body. The joke is about you either believe God created the universe or you believe nothing created the universe. Both are valid. It's fine. But I'm talking about, ask the nothing people what happens when you die. You go into nothing, right? And I go, you mean you merge back with your creator? Okay. Nothing created you. You die. You go into nothing.

You merge with your creator. Then I go, that's heaven, bitch. And I didn't mean to make you recoil. But the bitch there is a good bitch to me. Because it's an attitude. I'm saying something. I'm kind of talking about, you know, God stuff. It's so shocking and so inappropriate and so strange.

Yeah. And it's also so guileless. Like, you know I'm not calling you a bitch. I'm saying like, you could. could say motherfucker but that's too far yeah that's having motherfucker like too much yeah that's heaven dummy now that's too preschool yeah that's heaven bitch is is the only way that joke could be told yeah for me for me what about can i throw something out yeah and again i don't you said you don't mind me it's the sea word it's the tits but the british one twat twat that's heaven you twat that's heaven you twat twat i said a british

oh the king's good english by the way the king's good english by the king's Good English. Oxford English. The goodly English of the king. The way the king said twat was twat. Is the king's silver tongue licking my butthole right now? What in the world, mate? It's quite chilly, isn't it?

It's like a crumpet left out on the window ledge, isn't it? Nice, toasty crumphant anymore. Oh, get the preserves on your crumphant. Are those preserves? I'm sorry, are those preserves? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants

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Preserves! I just say jam, old boy. Jam! Who says preserves? What are we floating away on a boat? That's something that's say on the crown. They'd be like, stop it with the preserves. Just say, jam.

Yeah, I'm your dad. What about jelly then? Can we say jelly around this bloody table or not? Jellies for kids, man. Jellies like, fucking... Nothing wrong with staying youthful, is there? Eat homes? Until your teeth fall out and you've got the diabetes.

Well, that's the words of a twat, isn't it? A right twat. A right twat, ming. I got a good roast joke ready for... If I ever, a heavier guy, he's working on his way to type three diabetes. I just think that's very funny. You love diabetes. No, no.

Is there a four? Is there a type four? There's no type three is my point. Oh, shit. There's only type one and two. He's looking like he's searching for type three diabetes. I think it's just a funny joke about someone who eats poorly. I fucked up your joke.

You did not. I didn't know there was a, it sounds so real. We're in a canoe and we saw a fish. That's all that happened. He saw diabetic 0.3 fish. Yeah. Dude, what is diabetes? Dude.

I mean twat. I didn't mean dude. I can't hear you. I can't hear you, dude. I can't hear you, dude. I was like, hey, twat. Imagine do surfers say twat or is it always dude? Yeah, what's up, twat?

There are still guys like that. They say twat? No, the classic surfer guy. I don't know if they say twat, but you'll still meet a guy down at Laguna Beach that's like, what's going on? Like he's been in the ocean for 30 years. No one's told him that's over.

But he still says, dude, right? Of course. He's basically Michelangelo from the, Ninja Turtles. Oh, yeah. Frozen in time. But now he's 50. Let's go get some fish tacos, dude.

You're like, wow. Now, can you do that again but throw on the English twat at the end instead of dude? As an English? No, American, but then English twat. Let's go get some tacos, twat. It sounds like you're saying, what? What? That's why Twat never caught on.

Really? Why? It sounds too much like what. Now, Filthie Seinfeld. Twat would have been huge. Well, now it sounds like. like you're saying, what? I'm trying to call you a twat.

And you're like, what do you mean? Huh? Who, what, where, when, why, twat. Now, that's why we say, pussy. Like, it's filthy. Yeah. Pussy, everyone knows what you said. Dude, I think this could be a new thing.

Filthys I've filmed. Where you just go. Jugs. Milk jug. Milk jug. Is this the image we want to think about when looking at the female breast? Milk jugs. Is that right?

Hooters? Bring the owls out of the bedroom. Who has had been having sex with a naked woman? There are jugs, and you're like, you know what I'm thinking about? Owls? I'm sorry? Says Harry Potter. What's going on?

Gravindore. He has a stroke. Gremendor! No one notices. But you know what's funny? You said owls and jugs. Hooters are owls. Right, but these, if you look at a white woman in the dark,

and there's just the right moon coming through the winter, window and she's always like giant owl eyes like just owl you must be mouse because you're on the lookout I do I get the teeth out I'm just like like come at me come at me mother jugs in speed whoever named hooters hooters yeah was reincarnated from a mouse and he was like he got he got owl on the brain that's payback that's payback now he's he's he's he's he's he's he's nuzzling him have you ever seen an owl I've seen jugs. I've seen an owl. I was in a farmer's market recently and someone just had an owl. Don't you kind of hate that guy? What is just walking around with a?

This is, we're talking about the same guy. Snake guy. Yeah. Fucking arrow guy. Serret or a rat. You know why I don't like them? Why? It's too much like me. I go on stage and present my owl. It's my thoughts and my opinions. When I see someone just, I just bought it. Oh, I did all this personality development. I could have just bought an owl and drawn a crowd. Yeah, I resent it. Yeah, I don't blame it. Earn it.

You can't just have a snake. Earn it, right. And owls are overrated. Like, they call them the wisest of all the birds and they only know one fucking word. Who? I mean, that ain't too smart. The journalist owl. What?

Bird. Right. One. Hey, E. I owe you. The Wheel of Fortune owl. I don't like when animals can talk. I know.

Pirits. You know, AI is trying to figure it out. I'm like, oh, yeah, I saw that. Maybe leave that alone. They're trying to figure out the patterns of whales and dolphins and AI's learning what they're saying. They speak in different languages depending on who they're with and stuff. See, this is all drawing us closer to putting a mic up to a chicken and it's like, please stop eating me. And we're like, oh, shit.

Can you imagine you like, they figure out like a killer whale and he's saying, I'd like to fuck Brad Pitt or something. Like it's just join the human race. Red Pit. Wait, it's like when you're watching something in like Korean. Yeah. They're speaking Korean and then they say Brad Pitt. Yeah. Because there's no way to say Brad Pitt.

Oh, can I do... Okinawa? No, thanks, I'm busy. Oh. Because Korea is a different place. I keep trying to cancel you for mistakes you're not making. That's all right. I want it.

I want it. Can I do the British Oxford King's English twaq guy? Yes. But in the Korean... Japanese, like, B-movie, missing, like, lip-sink off. I like it. Okay. Ready?

So you say something to me, and then I'll call you, like, a twas. But I say it in English or? Yeah, just regular. You can't park there. What? I don't think I got the English part. Just felt sound like a throat cancer. It's kind of robot.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's try again. Okay, sorry. Got to be more British. I loved every moment of it. I know. could see it in your eyes.

Yeah, I was enjoying. Glazed over like an English ham. I mean, you cannot do the podcast with your eye, please. Have I done podcast before? You tell me. I don't think you're doing it right, guy. I know how to go viral. That's not an eye, Mike.

It's not? No. Although the sponge, now that you've done that, it's a real, sort of like an irisst. It's like the soft part of a cigarette. It sort of reminds me of being back in the womb, little bit. Your mom was a recording studio, wasn't she? Oh, yeah. She had 12 tracks. I'm going to go one weirder. You know when you do voiceover for puppy dog pals. Yeah. And you go in one of those warm rooms that's quiet and there's no sound. So silent. It's like a womb. It is. It's like padded or

an asylum. I love it. Yeah. When I'm in one of those, I'm just like, me live here. Me live here. You Hulk? Why? I took my Jack it up. But here's the thing, bro. Don't, bro. With a twat. When we're talking, we're doing this medium,

this thing we call podcasting, we're looking at each other intensely. There's no other object or thing to look at. There's no other, and it's me and you. A lot of strewn you as I work. Stren. It's the second part.

It's the mouth working hard. Clapper. And you've invented something where if I need to take a little break, I can just go This is so relaxing There is a genius to it Like no one's ever done this

When life has you down When your eyes are tired Bend your head down And rest your eyelid I'm Mike I'm Mike Right We could get the guys that play the two chords.

But there's really something, too. This is like it went from a microphone to an irrest. It is an iris. It's like now no one will ever look at a microphone the same way again because of what you did here today, Michael Jackson. I mean, Pete Holmes. Don't make me him. Well, it was a slip-up.

The whole scandal was? Well, yeah. It was a big whoopsid doodle. Dude, if I look at you and call you Michael Jackson by mistake, relax. I just thought that's who you were. for a second momentary lapse like jack nicholson in the shining a momentary lapse of concentration wendy yeah very good no thanks i'm busy he was you thought i was asking you to have sex i don't i don't know michael no thanks i'm busy

i mean why is that cool hey why is that cool what i have a theory like denzel Washington's very quiet when he's in a movement he's low he's like he's like he's that's you that's oh yeah yeah okay yeah you want you want to eat a sample that's nice that's not very good no it was good to me oh really i liked it oh you you big man you big yeah i'm doing it too classic guy i'm not that's good it's good don't look you told me to jump in if you said you're doing something wrong you're doing something right right now Washington that's you that's you for you to go from Michael Jackson to Denzel Washington in, what, 12 seconds? Right.

No one's ever done it before. Bingo, Batman. Listen, what I'm saying is Denzel's quiet. And the reason why quiet is cool is because we used to be in danger, would be in like the jungle or something. So somebody like Denzel would be the alpha. He'd be like, we're going to go get those, going to kill those wolves, right? And what's a dork?

Hey, guys! They're loud. So why is it cool to be quiet? because there's a part of us that in our cells remembers what it's like to be threatened by predators. So cool. Think of Richard Gear. Brad Pitt.

Is Brad Pitt loud or quiet? He's quiet. Are you sexy? Well, and killer whales love him. Brad Pitt. I'm just saying, bro. Brangelinea. They know that.

Oh, wow. Star Magazine. But listen, can I sort of. of a challenge what you just said. You think loud is cool? Well, your whole riff about the primates and a tribe and struggling and hunting and gathering. You're giving away their location. If you're like, what's going on guys?

You just, right. People die because you did that. But don't forget, hunting was a tribal thing way back then in the Paleozoic era. What part of what I said made you think I forgot that hunting was a tribal thing? Because you indicated that the leader would be, hey, there's a mammoth. Yeah. Let's go get the mammoth. That's right.

But if you've got a group of Neanderthals surrounding a giant prehistoric elephant, the guy over there by the spruce tree isn't going to hear, hey, let's go. We got it. So you need. Just to be clear. You need a leader.

Your strategy. Who's allowed enough to be commanding and lead the group. We've surrounded them. You're thinking of Braveheart. Like, let's go! Like, that's different. If you scream. Let's get the mammoth.

He's going to run. Yeah, but part of being hunting is you don't just stand there and an animal just, hey, are you guys hunting me? Okay, I guess I'll just wait here that until you throw your sticks. Well, what's interesting? You're talking about a charging, lumbering behemoth and, well, I'm just trying to. That's fair. But I also was saying if you're in your village and you're loud,

then a puma might come eat you. So the quiet goes that way. I'll give you that when you're hunting, you might need to let out a battle cry. Bingo. Bango. No, thanks. I'm busy.

Sorry, dear. But why is that cool? I'm going to have a cap of chin. That's not cool. That's psychotic. But it became cool. All I want to do is bash your fucking brains in. The only thing I want to do.

I just want to say it. A man likes to nose paying for his drinks, Lloyd. Very good. I'm having a little problem with the old sperm bank upstairs, Lloyd. Very good. Well, I'm hoping for excellent, but that's two very goods. Well, that's interesting. Well, but still it's not excellent.

How close to excellent is the phrase very good? There's a little ways off. You think there's a distance. It's like, are you going to Bakersfield or you're going to Fresno? Stopping Bakersfield, you're halfway there, Patty Melt. And I don't mean that. You are puking again? I'm like, God.

I got to rest my eye. Hold on. You call me a Paddy. Well, which sounds like at some point it was a slur for Irish. Inwax his two patty melts. The old patty melts came walking in. You were working the fields, them patty melts. Them bastard patty melts.

But you are Irish. A half Irish. I mean, in this riff, you're a self-hating Irish. I wonder how the Irish say twat. Do they say twat or twat? Because they've got that little. Oireland. Ireland.

I'm from Ireland. I'm from Ireland, you twat. I say, twat, twat. There's a little bit of a hiccup in it. Going somewhere, Mr. Porter. Just kind of snag out. Yippie Kaye. Yippikala.

Motherfucker. Motherfucker. He should have said bitch. See, that's when bitch was wrong. Motherfucker was right. Yippie Kaye, this is actually right. This is interesting. Okay. Diehard. Yeah.

Yippie Kaye, bitch is wrong. Because motherfucker is like, I'm low calling you up there, a motherfucker. Bitch is, I'm above you calling down, bitch. Okay. Bitch is mic drop. Motherfucker is like, I'm going to get you. I'm under your car.

But you've hit me, but I'm going to get you. I think this is true. I would take this to any fucking word studying person and say that's what's happening. Bitch is like, I win, bitch, and it's fun. Motherfucker is like, ah, smart. But what was the diehard lead in, you said? Yippie Guy. motherfucker. See, this is where I think you lost right out of the gate. He's in a low status position.

He's crawling around, no shoes. Words. I think it's yippy kai-a. No, it's Yippie Kaya. In fact, it's not yippie Kayae? I wish we had $50,000 to bet right now because I'd love. You're that confident. A cyber truck. Oh, I'd love to jizz in that metal truck. Wow. I'm in a Tetris game. Zero to 60 in three seconds. Okay. The cyber truck is telling us what men think they need. It is.

Bulletproof? Yeah. Do you know the society we live in now? Defund the police, drive-bys, daily riots, mall lootings, carjacking. Have you watched TikTok? And you think the problem is that your door is bullet permeable? I think it's a solution to keep you from getting like shot up. This is the male fantasy.

You think you're going to buy it. And week one, you're going to go, get down in the bullets. No, no, the odd. I think you buy the odds of ever getting shot are 1.1.1 percent. But that day when you need it, thank God for that bullet foof talk. Bullet fruit. A bowl of fruit. Wow.

Good Lord. I got a bullet fruit truck. You sounded like a speedball right there. Here, let's do a helicopter. Oh, you do it like that. How do you do it? What if we do it together? You can't do it together.

You be the tail rotor and I'll be the propeller. Mine is more subtle. It can't compete with your flappy little child way. Well, mine's a black hawk. Mine's military. All right. What's yours? News Chopper?

Sounds like it. Channel 5. Air puke. Swallow it. Swallow that whore. I mean that bitch. I meant the bit. You son of a got me to say.

you do your little fancy kTLA 5 and i get you to break a vow you made to your sisters all it took i'll be up here my black hawk wait wait it's very good it's very good and it's fun to watch i'm gonna blow your mind And you got to do the, you got to do the traffic report while I shoot you the fuck out of the air. Ready? So you do your little traffic. I know, but I can do mine and what? And now let me take over because he's really far.

But you got to do your little traffic report over the five or the 101. I can't do both while I'm doing the sound. I'm not Reggie Watts I don't have a delay pedal You could do the Listen to this, ready? Okay I can't do it today.

What is that a wookie? Pretty good, right? Was that like a Geiger counter? God, I lost my gum! Oh my God, I hope your teeth don't fall out. Eat shit. I don't go to Arby's. Hell, I'll go to Arby's.

I thought you were just inviting me to Arby's. That's a sponsor of my podcast. Can you watch your fucking mouth? Is it really? Arbys. Eat fresh. Shit. Eat fresh shit.

Arbys, we got the shit. Arbys, we got the meats, you got the shits. My friend John Roy, very funny comic, had a joke about. Well, I'll be the judge. He had a joke about Arby's. He was like, it's like eating a gray swim cap. Wow. Are you going gum-hunting, boy?

It looked like somebody going gum-hunting over there. I don't like when you do that voice. What you chew, double-bubble, wriggly juicy fruit? You're one of those hubba-bubba, motherfucker. You chew the rain blow, you chew the graperoo. What do you chew in these days, boy? You chew it in that fruit strike and then the flavor dark. Oh, remember the fruit stripe?

Everything about fruit stripe was right except the experience of chewing it. I love that zebra. I love that pack. I love the way that it's loosely, it's like thin white paper that loosely holds. Yeah. Sparkly magic striped gum.

I just put it in. It says, I'm gonna, you're like, I'm gonna marry this gum. And then five seconds later, you're like, this gum never loved me.

Wow. Right. I used to think of it as zebra jerky because the stripes on it. I used to take big chew and I'd roll my own candy cigarettes. Oh, was that the big gold?

big glob? It was like just a big chunk of gun. If you got a real fresh one, it would be, you know, shredded. It was supposed to look like chewing tobacco. Oh, I remember. Yeah. It looked like spaghetti, like spaghetti. Yeah, spaghetti squash. You know what it also looked like if I can, and you're a movie guy. I know you love the cinema. Cineabon. Oh, you're like Cineabon. Sorry. Have you ever eaten a Cineabon while at the cinema? Wow. Because it really smells the place up and everyone slowly stops. looking at the movie and slowly turns to you because of that addictive stink. You know?

And you're just sitting there in the dark and you're afraid to bite because 300 eyes are just staring at you like a pack of wild coyotes hunting a baby fawn. And you're just like, we're one cinnabund away from chaos. Right. You know what I think is funny about that? A lot, everything you said. Okay. But we're in a cinema and I'm eating a cinnamon.

Okay. Am I with you? You're not with me. Sorry. Sad. Okay. You look, you're just, but you're not even Harlan. Your name is Franklin.

And you look and you see, and everyone can smell my cinnamon. Right. And I eat it to get rid of it. What I think is funny in this situation. This is like a mushroom's thought, like your shirt. Oh, that's a UFO. It's still in the theater. I just put it in my stomach.

It's still there. Like when you go on an airplane and they go, you can't take that liquid on the, plane you're like yes i can yeah and you drink it you're still transporting it onto the plane yeah it's just in now now you're or the bottle and aren't we 70% liquid to begin with i've heard 90 how the hell are we getting on planes well you know what i's going to ask you because you you made me feel like this is a my eye,

I'm going to arrest my eye. I have a scene in a movie where you're going to say something to a cop, let's say that I don't want you to say. And to stop you from saying it, I just keep making you do bits. Okay. You're like, well, the last person I saw him with was, hey,

Harlan, what do you call a jellyfish? You're like, yeah, by the comedy code you have to, yes, and me. And that's how I get off. Okay, what's your question? So, you're one of these guys that when you're on stage, you will talk about anything.

Like you're like fearless. You'll talk about your private life. You'll talk about, like you don't worry about talking about things. That's true. So I thought in my head, maybe you could be a good therapist. Oh.

And if you have just a minute here, maybe two, three minutes, if I would like to test your chops, just your metal, see if you could do, be my therapist. my cyber truck metal.

Yeah. You got it. Just see, you know, I could be your patient. You could be my therapist. In squiggle vision. And just let's, I love a little. What's your problem? A lot of my issues, I think, stem from childhood trauma.

Well, that's great. See, I'm not sure how much of this Arnold Palmer is serious and how much of it is a bit because the truth is, and no one wants to admit this. There's two truths no one wants to admit. one we're all terrified to die two but we're not talking about it two is everything every issue you have does trace back to childhood it does i would say with a great regularity but there's a great there's great hope in this why because once you start facing this thing that you don't want to face a lot of your stuff makes sense for example you let's say every time you're in a relationship you blow it up

then we look back at your childhood. You saw that, let's say your mom, if you got too close, it became dangerous. So you learned to push people away for your own safety. Yeah. Your inner world was like, that's life and death. So what's great about that is instead of me, I have friends like that, instead of me looking at those people and going like these fucking idiots, they don't want to be happy, they have a fear of success, they can't be intimate,

they can't share their lives, but you're pointing at them and judging them. Instead of doing that, you just go like, nobody's stupid, nobody's, Brilliant. Everyone's just a product of the things that have happened to them. And everybody has a shot at unpacking that and kind of correcting it in later life. Most people don't do that. Really? For real? Really?

It was so good. Well, I... Really? It was so good. It wasn't that stiff, wasn't it? I loved everything about it. Suddenly you're like the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz. You're like, really?

Really? It wasn't the stiffness that I loved. That's the end. I like being silly with you, but I think that's true. No, that's what I'm asking. When you're looking at the patterns

that you can't break, it's because something in your past taught you that that behavior kept you safe. It was actually brilliant. So if you have an emotionally invasive mother, and you're in that situation, and you learn to withdraw because you need to get out into the world and be your own person. So you start seeing love as something dangerous.

The problem happens is later, in life you have the same survival mechanism but it's no longer serving you this is what therapy is going like you're not seven years old anymore that's most of it do you do therapy i did a lot of therapy did it was it was it did it work well i think it worked to the degree that it worked but it worked in the sense that i don't do it anymore and we both agreed that it was over i thought that was nice but how do you find the stopping point when you did excuse you what was that last part i missed that when when you when you jivs you mean physical therapy like sex therapy i'll tell you what here's the true answer you know you're done what when the therapist has properly installed a different thought

system in your mind just not not taking over the whole thing but they put their mind in your mind adequately so you have another reference meaning you no longer need the person but you can kind of hear their voice. This is true of any teacher, mentor, friend. But do you trust in them taking something so intimate and personal and injecting their perception onto you? And then it's over when they have their, when you have their perception. Is that a transference of who they are? That's why a good doctor isn't transferring their personality. They're transferring to you a set of tools and techniques that they've hopefully studied and have been tested and learned from others. But here's the good news if you're cautious and that's great you get to sniff it out if you're like this person's

not right they're fucking nuts just like me you leave but if you find someone who's operating system vibes with yours meaning my therapist voice dr gary pen he would always say who cares that was his voice i'd tell him something i was ashamed of and he'd go who cares you're not hurting anybody who cares that was it like because we're talking about like shame or guilt these things and he's like who cares it's totally normal yeah it's fine it's fine He would say bitch. You said Dr. Pan? Penn.

Dr. Gary Penn. I was like, Sean Penn, right? What you're doing? Who cares? Dr. Gary Penn would say something. He's like, life is like this. He's like, let's say I have a quirk that I'm more comfortable feeling in control of the universe by putting my coffee right in line with this table.

A lot of people have little quirks like that. Yeah, yeah. Standups have that. I like taking the mic out, putting it there, all that sort of stuff. That can be true. But we have to like work at going like, this is also okay you know what I mean even though this is true he always said this he goes paranoid people are correct like there is a lot to be afraid of but he goes you can't be it's bitch

and he would say that because that's how we like to talk he goes it's true you could have an aneurism at any time it's true there could be an earthquake right as we're talking it's true the the secret of life one of the secrets of life like there was an earthquake up where I live and we went to a play later that day child after the earthquake yeah there was an earthquake it was a small one and then a child's play we felt it so it was scary okay not necessarily the best combo to spend an afternoon but but this there's something beautiful here harland okay we're here on the harland highway let's roll the windows down let's get that yarmica up want it be something if it was a children's play for children with parkinson's

do children get parkinson well if they're doing a play during an earthquake it might look give that perception i acknowledge what was the name of the play alabama shake alabama shakes no it was shrek junior same thing let us swallow that don't say it my point is but can i just before you make your point i'm almost done okay point point let's say the earthquake was at nine a m yeah the play was at like three p.m okay val and i my wife are like are we going to go to this thing we're like yeah i think it's where let's go. We go to the play. We're watching Shrek Jr. It's children putting on the story of Shrek. Every once in a while there's an aftershock and the lights all shake. And people on stage are like, and then they keep doing the play.

I think that's a pretty good metaphor for what's going on here. Well, I think how I would sum it up is that when your daughter or son turns, you know, 27 or 28 and they're sitting there with their therapist going, my parents made me do a play. during a life-threatening earthquake. So I think the cycle just keeps going around and around. I like that, two things. My daughter wasn't in the play. Well, who was Shrek?

Whoa, say it, don't barf it, bro. I don't know how you meant it, but there were nine funny ways to take it, and I took it all nine ways. Yeah, that's true. It's so funny. What I'm saying is, there's something beautiful and uniquely human

about going like, this is temporary, this is flowing through our fingers, we can't stop it. You can build a bunker, you can get all the food you want. People are afraid to fly. The plane could crash. I'm like, yeah, but if you don't fly, you're still in this airplane. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Like, you can't get out of an airplane. You're either in your body airplane or you're in an airplane airplane, but there's no getting off the airplane. Right. So then you start looking at the risk. of not doing things it's like temporary let's put on a play there's an earthquake let's put on a play by the way it was safe well the people that were there weren't like exceptional people

it was hours there were a couple little aftershocks it was on our mind you wouldn't have done it i'm gathering well child earthquake titanic plate shifting so where would where should we have falling where should we have gone well maybe under the bed ask her to maybe do the lines from shrek Under the bed. Again, she wasn't in the play. Two, that sounds like this to me, putting the glass there. I go, okay, there was an earthquake at 9 a.m. Let's spend the rest of the day under the bed.

Well, if you're doing a play, like you might want to do cats under the bed if there's a 7.3. You might want to do the Phantom of the Opera under the bed if there's a 5.0. It was like a 4. Even a 4. I'd probably do Les Mis. Well, if you're going to laugh, maybe this isn't the podcast for me. but yet it's my podcast so you're in a real sticky pickle holy clam bake holy clam bake dr dan

dr dan dr dan i've never had someone do it to me and it felt good it looks good it felt good you're passing off a lot of habit to me the irest the uh the puke bubble puke bubble but is this compulsive disorder what's that thing from as good as it gets where we're going back to jack nicholson again where you make me want to be a better man. Yeah. Is that, is that what that is where he couldn't step over cracks and he had to, he had to place his stuff everywhere? Is that, is that different than what you're saying?

I can't diagnose that, because once things cross into a disorder, I think we're looking at a different thing. I'm talking about like every day off the shelf, most of us have some things that make us feel more comfortable. And, and it's nice to kind of work the muscle of allowing, something that is uncomfortable to you. Got it. If it's benign.

But if, you know, if somebody like Jack Nicholson in that movie, I think that we've gotten to the point where like the feeling of eating with a restaurant silverware makes you feel so fundamentally unsafe. You can't start with like, just use the silverware. You know what I mean?

You have to trace it back to why do you feel that way? And it goes back to your childhood. By the way, that sounded a lot like your therapist as a waiter. Just use the silverware. Just use it. Well, he might say that. He was perfect for me. Because he was like, he was just like, you do it.

At one point, though, like, you've got to have a lot of trust. Was it invasive to have a therapist or was it easy to open up and let a therapist in? Because you're letting a complete stranger, even though there's a degree on the wall. You don't know this person. You're letting them into your deepest inner thoughts and monologues. Was that hard to do? Did you have to have several sessions to really sort of? Well, you know, you get.

a vibe. You know, sometimes you have, I've had two different therapists. The first one was great, but I really vived with Dr. Gary Penn. That was years later. So, you know, it's not just trusting the therapist, it's trusting yourself. It's like, I know that if this feels wrong or doesn't, you know, you know what I'm saying is like, I remember a friend of mine told me that he would go to therapy, but he couldn't get past the fact that the therapist was only talking to him because he was paying him. Yeah. And I was like, that's, that's what we're talking about being, meaning paranoia is rational it's rational but we could get caught up in that line of logic with anything you could be in a car accident you could say the paramedic you're only taking me to the hospital because i'm paying you

it's your job yeah so what are we doing the mind gets really creative when it wants to block and stop so there is a certain degree of courage but as a performer i found it very liberating to be able to talk to a therapist and just be like what it is is like i was just watching a talk on this There's your true self, what you really want. Kids are very good at, like, expressing their true self. Yeah. You know what I mean? Pure.

Purity. Totally pure. Yeah. I want a cookie. You know, that's good. And we have that. And then later we develop a false self. The false self is, I'm not talking in spiritual terms because we could do that as well.

I'm just talking in purely psychological terms. My false self would be hilarious. I'm at a party and someone tells me a joke that I don't like. My false self, being phony, but being serviceably fun. meaning I might be like, oh, I like that. I like that. Whatever. Or like, you should come over our house.

We have a bean baking. And I'll be like, that sounds great. That's my false self. Fake. Totally fake. But we need that. A good percentage of your day is false self. And reliably, and as it should be, we can't go around just saying exactly what we want all the time.

It's just not how a society functions. Yeah. But the way to stay healthy is to let your true self run a month. every once in a while. So stand-ups, obviously, I do that as my... That's a release for you to do that to a degree. Of course. But that's what I was saying.

That's what Bill Burr's whole thing is. It's like, here's my true self. Here's my true self. That's why I love Bill. I know he's not giving us all of himself. Yeah. He's not balanced. He's not trying to be balanced.

He's just showing you like, if I'm being real, deep down, I think this. And it's so funny because it's familiar. But that's also, that's what good therapy is. It's very hard to even have a friend or a partner that you can say, like, I'm angry at my mother, or I'm angry at my dad, or I'm jealous of my brother, or whatever it is. So you bring in this person who can be a mirror and can show you and demonstrate to you, a good one, that you're okay. In fact, therapy can be summarized most of the time with, like, I hear you, you're okay. Oh, but I want to, I hear you, you're okay.

Yeah. But something about, in the same way that like a friar's frock or a priest caller or, a Buddhist robe, these symbols, Carl Young says, symbols transform us, not ideas. So going to a therapist, who you then project onto, they should be as blank as slate as possible, you might project onto them your father or a trusted suit. There's all this projection going on, but you use that symbol to say, I believe that the, in the same way that someone going to a comedy show goes, this is comedy, and then it's funnier. Yeah. The same way you go, this is therapy, he's a therapist, it is now more therapeutic.

Isn't that weird? Yeah. But that's how we are. Why is it dinner more fun with white tablecloths and candles? It's the same fucking food. You eat on an airplane, it sucks. Because we're symbolic creatures. And we should identify this and lean into it and exploit it.

Use it to our advantage. Interesting. And when it was over, I guess there's no real sense of finality, but you said something inside, you says it's time, it's run, it's course, I've found some resolution. Yeah. You walk up, but I'm guessing whatever the issues were, whatever the reasons you went,

it's still always sort of present, but maybe you have more of a handle on it or you have a rationality for it? For sure. I think that's a really nice way to put it. And I just noticed that I, and I do this with a lot of people that I love, books that I read, they become avatars in my mind. And I go, oh, I'm feeling this way, and I'll think of something I read.

But it's more fun to picture the person like floating, like Obi-1 in your mind. And you hear what they would say. And Dr. Gary Penn is one of those people. But he's on a council. He's on a board. I got a boardroom up there. There's 15 people. What do you mean?

What we're talking about is cultivating a thought system. Like, like, and so I consult with all of, this is a metaphor, all of the things that I've read, all of the people that I admire. Let's take Mr. Rogers is one of them. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So you're like, what would Mr. Rogers do is a helpful strategy. Got it. What would the Dalai Lama do?

What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do? That's a classic. What would Dr. Gary Patton do? He's just one of the few non-saints that's up there. Yeah, I gotcha. Okay. But we're all doing this.

Yeah. Sometimes when you're stone, you get. more of a glimpse at what your mind is doing. And it's consulting with all of these different reference points. That's why I think we have to be very careful about what we're consuming, not to be paranoid, but like I see it on people's skin, the people that are watching 12 hours of news a day.

Yeah, yeah. And how can you, or if they're on social 12 hours. You can sense that on people? I won't flatter myself and say I can sense it. But like, when they start telling me how they're feeling, I'm like, well, why would you feel any other way? you've been living on the knife's edge of chaos.

You've been looking in a telescope into a supernova of absolute uncontrollable chaos. No wonder you feel like Bo is afraid. You know what I mean? Like that's how you should feel. Yeah. But what's strange is you have other voices. There were people that were living in more tumultuous times differently

that found equanimity in peace. And I think those voices are very hard to translate into an Instagram slide. Equanimity. Equanimity. I know what that word means, by the way, but they don't. These dumb-dums? People watching.

If you could just... Equanimity? Yes, for them, not for me. You could just tell the folks what that word means. God, you're such a gift. You really are. Equanimity just means all-encompassing peace, a sensation of spacious, yeah, peaceful, tranquility.

There you go, gang. Can I present something to you? Why didn't we go to grade school together? I would have loved your weird sticky hand. We would have had fun. We would have had a lot of fun. I've been wanting to present this to someone and I think you're the right person.

Because, you know, we're kind of talking about people and life. And I just want to get your interpretation of this. Can I present something to you? Are you open-minded to it? Oh, sure. I just want to hear your thoughts. Hang on. On this leaf.

Ivy wed? Well, let's not go there. I'll leave. What do you see there? There's three caterpillars. And they're eating the leaf. And then there's also little seeds. Those are caterpillar eggs.

Caterpillar eggs, even better. So this is like a happy little family doing great. They got food. And then those turn in. to this Yeah Which is a Caterpillar

A big caterpillar Which in turn Becomes this A cocoon Yep Which in turn It becomes this Yep

There he is What do you think? Well this is beautiful Go ahead Please elaborate this guy going into this guy thought he was dying there's nothing in his nervous system that when he's cocooning himself knows rationally okay i'm not he thinks he's dying he's going into a coffin he's building a coffin for himself what what the instinct level the trust the faith that he's

like, I'm going to do what I feel I need to do. Cancun himself. Even though it seems like it's the end of my life. This is the whole thing. This is a metaphor? For all of us, of course. But the idea that rebirth feels like death, or that change feels like death,

it feels like closing in a mausoleum, a coffin. So just to recap, this represents... well that's just the beginning that's your parents i suppose and this monarch caterpillar represents this is the first half of life and i don't mean that necessarily chronologically everybody can enter the second half of life at any point or a lot never do yeah and this that's called dying before you die. And this, that's called a rebirth, or resurrection, or liberation.

Fucking dope, man. This is just an experiment, because we live in a world where I think we're starting to merge technology with organic material. Sure. Would you indulge them, not me, with your wonderful news chopper helicopter sounds. I agree yours is better.

But not for this. Oh. Oh, for him, it's like. You farted. And then he hits. a windshield that's life i think that was the last part you forgot that he gets hit by a windshield yeah we all get smacked by a fucking fort neon or a prius just splattered and then we got to start again well right by the way do you ever camp and have you ever wiped your bottom with a leave

covered with caterpillar eggs and then you go to the movies the next week and your ass cheeks separate, and worms are coming out. Yes, I think you know the answer is yes. I have. Are you going to go to therapy? No, I'm not going to therapy, but the reason I brought it up is because you're one of these guys on stage. you're one of these guys that can jump to stuff that's it feels a lot it feels very personal when I watch

you yeah your topics about your life your marriage your relationship you're yeah and it's it's interesting because it I think that takes courage to kind of open up into that real life stuff I find more people more in a bit of more of a fantasy realm but you you find a way into extracting stories from very real moments in your, in your world, in your, in your relationship. So I like that. I admire that. Yeah, I think it's, it's hard to do. It's something I don't think I can do or if I, I don't even know if I've ever even tried. Yeah. Because it's not, I wouldn't want you to change and do it because I love what you do. Yeah. But it feels right. I think what people like, in general, is people being who they are. Yeah. And when you're watching Anthony Jessel,

you're like, I believe this. I believe that he can be a little devil. And yeah. He goes up and he does this little devil thing. But it feels sincere, as opposed to somebody who is just drawn to that, but it's not really who they are inside. And I'm not saying Anthony is a devil. I'm just saying. Yeah, yeah. But he really is.

He can find out. He is a wicked little devil. Oh, yeah. Wicked little devil. Anthony Jackson is a great wicked little devil, beautiful devil. Oh, beautiful devil. Beautiful devil. Beelzebub.

I love all the devils. I shouldn't be saying this. Lucifer is a good friend of mine. Beautiful friend. Came to Villago. Got him the kegs, brought him eggs. They were devil eggs, beautiful devil legs. Oh, that's Trump.

I thought you were doing Winston Churchill. The only thing to fear is fear it. What an opportunity. A lot of people confuse those people. And some people confuse this next thing I'd like to present to you, but if you're open-minded, I'd love to present. Let's clear the butterfly off the table. As the expression goes.

And can I present something else to you? Because that was nice. I felt like we went there. Pu-pa. See you later, Pops. I'm going to do a voice match. I'm going to scab your show. Vingo! Okay, here we go. Here's leaf number one with some eggs on it. Oh, number two is a caterpillar again.

Green caterpillar this time. Number three is the pupa. The pupa, okay. Also called the cocoon. Another kind of cocoon. And then lastly. Yeah, freaky-deaky. That's so freaky-diki.

Looks like an orchid, isn't it? But what is it? I don't know. Is it a moth or is it a, yeah, a moth. Yeah. So similar. So similar. The same life cycle.

Yeah. But yet what does Pete Holmes say? about the difference between a butterfly and a moth. They're so close, but yet... Yeah, so close. Wow, this is making me think of something. There's another comparison. Yeah, human beings like locusts, right?

Locusts, similar evolution, or let's put it this way, flies. Okay. Right? Fly, very similar birth, life, death thing as a bumblebee. We like bees because they pollinate flowers and fruit. and they have very similar tastes to us. They like sweet things. They like sweet smelling things.

They make sweet smelling things. So we like bees, but we don't like flies. And then flies pollinate flowers that we don't like the smell of. Is that true? I believe so. And there's trash and fucking they eat shit. So there are these like evolutionary, evolutionary biases. You know what I mean?

These make sweet things. Similarly, this just doesn't look as pretty. You know what I mean? Like, I'm sorry. No, it's a subjective thing, a moth and a boat. This is why I thought I'd ask you. I think most people prefer the psychedelic beautiful pattern of a monarch butterfly. And when you see a moth, most people see something that isn't as attuned to what we like.

Meaning it's absurd, but we think that's beautiful. I like beautiful things. I'm like a beautiful thing. I'm like a butterfly. I'm not like a moth. But can I present you with a little challenge? Yes, please. when you go home today,

I'm going to ask you to do this as a little piece of homework. Think of me as your therapist now. Homeswork? Homeswork. Go on Google and Google moths. Are they beautiful? I think most people think them as the dull bastard children to the butterfly. But when you look at the plethora of moths,

I think there's only like 80 or 200 species of butterfly but there's like 3,000 species of moth. And the beauty in the lowly moth, I'd like you to look and just judge for yourself. I'm not going to tell you, but maybe you learned something here from therapist Harlan today. Maybe I was just going to say

you could do a whole podcast about this. And maybe that's what we're doing. Because meaning is so interesting. And butterflies being the chosen symbol that made every child's book, It could have been moth. Even the word moth is bad marketing. Like a John Hamm, Don Draper could come in and be like,

get rid of moth. We're done with moth. It's the berry fly or something beautiful. I can't do it. But I'm just saying like they have bad PR. The tangerine fly. You know, it has a, I get what it's fruitful. Yeah, alive.

It's got effervescence. Yes, yes, yes. Versus moth. It's like someone named Langell. Larry. I agree. Versus Fitzpatrick. Godzilla didn't help. Mothra? And they eat our sweaters. We don't like that. Can you imagine how many sweaters Mothra has to eat just to have a lunch?

Like he probably has to go and peel the roof off of Ross dress for less and just munch down. But I think that might be it too. Going back to like human beings are unique and that we can choose to be a locust or we can choose to be a bumblebee. We can help and pollinate or we can devour and destroy. I think part of the problems might be that moth seed are sweaters. So there's no butterfly balls to get rid of butterflies. You never see a butterfly chowing down on a turtleneck. So it's very hard to come back from a nuisance.

A bee will sting you, but it's not a nuisance. Unless you're apoplectic and then you die. True. Some people are allergic to bee stings. I am allergic to bee stings. I'd rather have this fly on my, you know, happy face t-shirt and eat it and end up in ER with a bee sting from one of those honey-sucking whores.

And I don't mean that in a bad way. No, they're good. So this is a very interesting experiment. Can you give me just a second? Sure. I know it's a bit, but I really like it. Well, it was a bit exhausting. This was heavy.

I thought it would just be sort of... I didn't know where it would go, but you sort of... For those of you listening and not watching, he means the moth, not the episode. Yeah. This was heavy. Yeah.

I didn't know where it was going to go. I didn't. We've gone all over, Silly Town. Are you ready for the final segment, my friend? And by the way, folks, before we get into the Pete Holmes, actor, comedian, writer. Midpoint intro. TV. Netflix special out now called I Am Not for Everyone.

Please watch that. And he has his own podcast, too. Which Arlin was on and it was wonderful. You know what? I owe you a big apology. I don't know if we've ever talked about this, but it's always been in the back of my head. I'm going to bring it out now. Can I do some therapy?

Yeah. So years ago, I'd never done anyone else's podcast. My buddy, Jeff Fox, says, you know, you should go do other people's podcast. So this is back in 15 years ago. Yeah, it was a long time ago. Pete Holmes has his podcast called You Made It Weird. Yeah. So I said, okay, I'll do it.

I'd never done one. Been on someone else's. I'd go. I had the best time. It was like, it really was. It was like such a, I left there going. I was really, like, I really enjoyed our conversations and your presentation. And I had the Harlan Highway at the time.

They were both audio podcasts. Yeah. And you might not even be aware of this, but I'm confessing. I came home and I just thought, oh, they're goofy podcasts. Like, we just, we put them out, like, they're on the, like, they weren't a big deal back down. Yeah. And so in my head, I went, oh, I'm going to help Pete spread the word on his podcast, and I

loved doing it so much. that I cut it up and I put 10 minutes of your podcast on about four of mine. And then I plugged it. I go, go listen to Pete's thing. And in the back of my head, I guess I should have talked to you this a long time. I thought, I wonder if I pissed up. Like, it wasn't until years later when I saw podcasts were a real thing. I went, oh, people take this shit seriously.

I was always doing mine just for fun. Fun teas. And so I don't even know if you know this or not, but I put clips of yours on mine to promote yours. and so people can hear the conversation because I loved it so much. So I hope if back then it offended you or anything, I don't even know if you knew about it. I'm confessing.

If that's the worst thing that can be confessed to me, may my whole day go that way. But it was really just a tribute to how much fun I had and how great your podcast was for me. I think that's fair game. I'm letting my therapy out on you. I don't think you have a thing to be guilty about. should have brought it up along but i guess i did you think i was mad at you i didn't know i thought

maybe i thought maybe it was a faux power but it's funny it didn't it didn't catch up to me to like four years later when i saw that because like i said this was new to me and then i saw people doing podcasts and getting really serious and i thought oh fuck i'm not a major league baseball game you can reproduce part i know but i never did it after that because i realized like oh maybe that's not what you do? I just thought podcasts were a goofball thing, but then I realized they weren't, but it was too late. That's my confession, Pete Holmes. That couldn't be more of a zero for me, meaning it didn't move the needle at all.

So we're still on for Arby's? You have the meats. We have the shit. All right, let's do our final segment, Pete Holmes. It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe. This is an authentic Dutch clog. Wow. You reach in, Pete.

you pull out a word and see if it triggers a story, a memory from your life, from an associate's life, somewhere on your journey. Don't look at the words. You've got to reach in blind and see what you got. Words from a wooden shoe with Pete Holmes. Words from a wooden shoe. What do we got, guy?

Stupid kid. Oh, here we go. Stupid kid. Just that face you made, said it all, really. Were you the stupid kid? We find out they all say stupid kid. It's just your way of haunting people. That's so funny.

I have a lot to say about stupid kid, but the headliner is so much of my life, and maybe this is a cliche, but I thought I was a less than intelligent person. I had high confidence, but when it came to like book learning, like I thought it was a genius. Don't hear me wrong.

Yeah. I thought I was a genius as a child. Okay, that's good. But. academically I got a 1040 on my SATs that's real bad so you did homework on Saturdays what do you mean you said you got a 1040 on SAT the standardized aptitude test sorry I thought it meant the weekend you know what Saturday is actually named after the god Saturn is that word well it's actually a planet the planet's also named after it the god

God, Saturn. Well, cracker barrels named after a barrel. Filled with white people. Okay, continue. I just, so the comfort that I take in this is I go through high school. By the time I got to college, I went to kind of a, not a dumb, dumb school, but it wasn't a very challenging school. DeVry. It was DeVry.

No, my school is lovely, but it wasn't difficult. Okay. And that was good for me. because you breeze through it. Malcolm Gladwell makes that point in David and Goliath. He says there's actually a great argument, don't go to Harvard. You go to Harvard with the cream of the crop.

It'll break your confidence. Go to something that's kind of easier for you. Dominate and get that boost. Ah. Did you dominate? I wouldn't say I dominated academically, but I was so unworthy about my academics that I started doing stand-up.

I started doing improv. I started writing for the newspaper, drawing cartoons, all these things I would end up doing professionally. because I never stayed up studying once. I got A's and B's. I was totally fine. So that was awesome.

But the hopeful note that I would end on stupid kid is now once, it's funny, it's like you're dumb because you don't care about the things you're learning about. And then when you start finding the things that you do care about, you realize like, oh no, I'm smart. I'm just smart about this sort of stuff. Yeah, okay. Never be smart about math. I believe it was John Wayne said everybody, I think it's John Wayne.

Everybody's stupid just in a different subject. Everybody's smart just in a different subject. That's true. So when you start to recognize that there's like social intelligence, emotional intelligence, memorization intelligence, meaning memorizing the quadratic formula and applying it, I'm not saying math is dumb. I'm saying math is teaching us how to learn. So when people are like, I'm not going to need calculus, that's true, but you're learning

how to learn. I don't think that was the best for me once it came into like language things psychological things and then eventually spiritual things I started reading books realizing I have a very good recall my brain is a very high processing brain I had that analyzed

I thought that was interesting and then I was like oh no I'm very smart but went through all of high school going in our friend group I'm the dumb one I think that's there's something beautiful There's something kind of butterflyy about that. Do you think maybe you were sort of playing the dumb guy

because you knew secretly inside you were intelligent? I think I was very, very overwhelmed and didn't yet know how to filter through tasks and prioritize them. I'm still not great at that. So a teacher, let's say a teacher gives you homework and then they also tell you about a big paper. I would sort of give those equal weight. You know what I mean?

So it was hard for me to go like, You know, it's okay that I did bad on that quiz. I'm going to rock it with that project at the end of the year. I didn't have that kind of foresight. I still don't. But it's kind of an ADDE thing. If I focus on something and I'm passionate about it, I'll do it faster and better than, you know, almost anybody. If I'm trying to do something that I do faster than anybody, you know, because I'm the one doing it.

That can I just interject because you mentioned the word fast and we'll get back to you, but my girlfriend's fasting right now. And I don't mean she's eating a lot faster. She's just fat as, I mean, it's unbelievable. The fast, just stuffing it in. You truly are. She's eating for two. You're a gift.

She's not pregnant. She's eating for two? She's just a jumbo. Come to myelago. Do two holes, eat for two. I eat for two. A table for two. God, I love Winston Churchill.

Twat. Isn't he great? You're a twat. People say that and I'm the biggest twat. Yeah. Well, buddy, that's my stupid kid. Yeah, you're definitely a very smart, bright kid and watch Pete on stage and you'll see it. And, uh, please watch the special. Can I say here's the, please plug away. Plug away, buddy. I'm not shy about this. No, do it. I got one of those Netflix specials. Yeah. If you don't watch it, they're going to take it down. It's a lease. Is that right? It's a lease. This is how they operate? I'm not. I'm not. mad about it but when we sold it yeah like we'll buy it for a year and if it doesn't perform they will give it back to me which is which is okay it's a little embarrassing yeah but you know

it's also good sales meaning i'm earnestly saying please watch it now yeah or we won't be able to watch it because if enough people watch it it it'll stay up please watch it give us the name of it again i am not for everyone but if you just search pete holmes it's the only thing maybe not the best when you're trying to get people to watch it the way you are. Disagree. Because you say, you read, I am not for everyone, you go, I wonder if I'm one of the special people that will like it. Huh?

All this is coming from a dad who has his child do plays in an earthquake. Again, the details that went through your mind, like a sith. Like a spaghetti strainer. Buddy, before we go, can we rub caterpillar and moth together, or a butterfly and moth Thanks friend There's your gift Thanks for coming

No No Take it slow please All right You've earned it Pete Holmes Go see him do stand-up comedy Pete tell them you're special

I can't plug it enough. I am not for everyone. I am not for everyone on Netflix. Watch it right away, everybody. And do you have any books or anything else? I wrote a book called Comedy Sex God, and I'm Pete Homes on all the platforms and Pete Homes. com for tour dates. And your podcast, you made it weird.

And that's on YouTube. It's also on YouTube. Yep. Folks, all that Pete's home stuff, enjoy it. Can I hit the theme music? Do you like? One, two, three. Do you know what to do?

Oh. Oh. This is when Harlan wins. I've kind of lost my voice. I feel like I get... Well, you do this. Just do what you're going to do. I'm just going to rest my eye as we go out, okay?

You've been listening to the Harlan Highway podcast brought to you by Squarespace. Also, athletic greens. If you want to eat a salad, but only have time for some powder, athletic greens. Harlan is going to be performing at the 128 highway in Massachusetts in the middle of the road. Oh. Sorry. You rested too hard. Folks, Pete Holmes, you're on the Holland Highway Parkist.

Thanks for being here, Pete. I'll see you at the cocoon center. I'll see you later, pups. Until next time. Chicken show made, baby. I didn't think you'd do it.