The Harland Highway - PETE HOLMES talks of forgotten lands and provides a visit from the DUDE of Big Labowski fame!

Episode Date: July 7, 2026

WINGMAN is out now on Gumroad, Apple TV and Amazon Prime! GUMROAD- https://thewingman.gumroad.com/l/WINGMAN APPLE TV- https://tv.apple.com/us/movie/wingman/umc.cmc.nfzru25awp5jnendhudhjw9t This episode is sponsored by Kalshi, Chubbies, and Cashapp and MarsMen! - Your new wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code harlandhighway at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/harlandhighway #chubbiespod - Download the Kalshi app and use code Soccer10 to get $10 when you trade $10. You can also sign up at kalshi.com/r/soccer10, which auto-applies the code at checkout. Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. - Download Cash App Today: https://click.cash.app/ui6m/7o7jwwlk #CashAppPod. -For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at Mengotomars.com. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Pete Holmes: Website:https://peteholmes.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/peteholmes/?hl=en Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@peteholmes#podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey gang, the hilarious new movie Wingman is now available. If you don't have streaming service or can't find it in your local theater, type in the URL you see on your screen at gumroad.com, and you can watch Wingman in the comfort of your own home. Wingman. Do you speak Spanish? Huh? Un boquito.

A boogito, so you picked your nose and had one booger? No, nothing to the nace. With nuts? listen me you're you're hearing the

words leaving my boca I'm trying to Chris Tucker do I thought you were checking out

of a hotel in Cabo it's not an how we podcast podcast what's wrong

with us that we only want nightmares but where I'm discombobulated is only nightmares

why do you have to Do that like Spider-Man? Only-only nightmares. God. Good. Now do Wolverine. When we were kids, that was us. Yeah.

If we were friends when we were little, we would have been. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Spider-Man. And then Wolverine comes. No, Spider-Man. Yeah. And then Wolverine.

Settle difference. Show me, I'm going to do eyes closed and you do either Wolverine or Spider-Man. I'll tell you which one. Oh, I think you'll know. Okay. Ready? I misses the very first one. I think I stepped on a grape is what that one was.

It sounded like a nutcracker. Yeah, like a grape and a nutcracker. It sounded like someone with restless leg syndrome popping a vericose vein to me. That's delicious. That's delicious. Yeah. I love that. You do?

No one likes that. But you just said you did like it. I did like it. I did like it. Because it's juicy. Do you like it or do you likey? likee. Jew what? You keep bringing up Judaism.

I do. I Jew. If I marry you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway Podcast. Play it. Two, three, ladies and gentlemen, that's right. I do guarantee. This is Cajun. Cajuan.

So similar to an Asian voice that isn't okay. Keep going. I do guarantee. Okay, don't think about what I just said. The Halle Highway podcast. Yeah, that's right. This is New Orleans. This is New Orleans, New Orleans, New Holland.

New Holland Williams. Was there a hint of Asian in that? Because you'd be the first ever... A hint of Asian? Yeah. A hint of Asian? Well, you said it sounded a little bit Asian, but I was doing Cajun. Cajian.

Cajun. We have a new accent. Cajian accent. Welcome to the Hallin. No, I don't... I'd like to be on SNL one way. I don't like this. You don't like Caysian?

But I'm the only one doing it, so you're in the clear. That's right. I'm actually actively protesting them. Yeah, protest it. I don't support it. You want the Holland Highway Pograsse. You said crass. Now you're definitely doing a stereotypical.

I'm giving you room to protest. Racist? Yes. Oh. He's excited. More. Yeah. I'm trying to prop you up.

No, that doesn't help me. So the deeper I go, the Horan High Right. I want to be in Congress. day. Yeah. What a nightmare to wake up and you're in Congress. Isn't in Congress a term as well as a political position? Yeah, to be in Congress with someone means a different kind of position. What is it? Sex. Is it really? If you walked in and I was like, Harlan, don't come in. I'm in Congress with my wife. You wouldn't think we were passing a bill. Or what if your name was Bill and he was hiding under the bed? We love a third. You would be passing a bill. We love a third name Bill and we don't do anything to him. We pass him.

What if he was walking out and he was cheating on your wife? And as you walked in, you were passing a bill. Oh, why's it got to be cheating? Why can it be a thruple? Oh, are you down to that? Have you had one? A thruple? Yeah.

A thruple isn't a threesome. Oh. Yeah. A thruple, I think, is a Dr. Seuss character, isn't it? A thruple is a guppel and the guppel found a dapple. Yeah, everything rhymes when you make it up, doctor. Yeah. Wooks a doodle and a noodle boodle.

Yeah, neither of those are. words. It's not a skill. Yeah. Hot take on D. Seuss. Wow. You just... Hot take on D. Seuss. I'm going to say it on you now, racist. Wait, is he... Is he... Doesn't matter. Whatever you're doing right now to him is... That's got to be racist.

Oh, you're saying it is racist. Yeah. Dr. Seuss is a white. You just... That's just the way you bastardized his... I'm a white. It's all right. I shine in the night. And the moon on my skin makes my chin look where it's been. Wow. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, you've read that. You've read that. Yeah. No, that was a quote. Oh, okay. That was from the unpublished. It's more of a manifesto than the book. You're lucky because you can do skits like that and point to a chin where I can't.

Oh, you have the goatee to tell us where your chin would be. Exactly. I'm only yes and. Yeah. I would never say that to you if you didn't break the press. Right. I don't think of you as a chinless person. Well, you know.

But now that you mentioned it. Yeah. Where did go? Well, this is when you said that wild fingers. it made me think of, you know when you see a rock on the ground? Sure. And you pull it over and there's an indent in the ground. That's made me think of where's my chin?

Dude. Like it's not there. You're an indent. Yeah. And the beard is the worms and the other critical collies. I'm an indent. That's one of the probably. You're like a temperedic that somebody slept on for years.

I'm like a memory foam face. You're a memory foam. But the thing we can't remember is where your chin is. Wow. So I'm a loss of memory foam. My mom? No, I don't want to say my mom. I want to be in old...

I'd love to say your mom. You want to be in Congress with my mom. Why don't we do this? You tell the story and at the very end I'll go, your mom. Okay. My mom. I'm going to tell a story and then you're going to say your mom. Yeah.

Okay. Because you don't want to say it. Okay. So I will. Oh, I see. Now I see. 3PO. But I was trying to do a joke about like an old person.

I don't want to make a joke. a memory lost joke, but my mom's memory, she's so old, so bad, her memory foam can't remember her shape, like someone like that. Wow. Wait, wait, wait, wait, my mom's memory's so bad. What if we were those kind of guys? What are that? Real pork ribs kind of guys. Yeah. My mom's memory is so bad. What voice is this? Is there a Jamaian? Oh. Yeah, man. My mom's voice is so bad to rumber Bumba Ross Clot, man. That's good.

Yeah. That was a little bit effort. Is it wise to give a memory foam mattress to a prepubescent boy? Because when he gets up and mom goes in to make the bed, does she see that the master's been fucked? The whole time he's fucking it, he's like, some things we don't remember. Right.

It's not. But if a prepubescent boy is humping his mattress, doesn't it leave the imprint of said, Invisible fuck. That's why Ceiley mattress, which is just a regular mattress, yeah. Memory foam mattress. Yeah.

They say what happens in the mattress stays in the mattress. So you can get between the box and the match, and that's the original snatch. I forgot that you're... You are Seuss. I am. Great Seuss. People wonder who Banksy is, not Bluey.

Oh, Banksy. Bluey is your demise, a more popular puppy cartoon. Suck it. Suck it. Suck it. Which is the pretense of the past tense, bluey. You're untouchable. Not really.

Wow, you are there. Yeah, I'm touchable. But I forgot. I hope you remember me, foamy. Every time I do your pod. Yeah. You lose friends. Every time I do it, I forget that you will riff.

You're like a. real riff or die, homie. Yeah. You'll riff. Yeah. You'll do anything. My bro. You'll do anything.

Life is too short not to riff. Life's too short not to riff. Even if the riff causes a rift. And aren't, if the rift causes a rift, you're sitting on a rift. You're on a rift. But aren't we in California right here in Hollywood as you and I talk sitting on the San San Andreas Riff? So do what the land tells you to do.

Right. Riff. Rift. Rift. Oh, wait, is it a rift or a fault? It's a fault. It's a fault. It's nobody's fault. Why do they call it a fault? It's nobody's fault. It's just the earth. It's tectonic. It's Tectonic. It's absolutely Tectonic. It's Tentonic. It's a Tetonic. It's a Tetonic. It's a relationship. How could it be anybody's fault? It's nobody's fault. This relationship is strictly Teton. Tentonic. And he thinks it's its closer, but it dies. Hell no. Like he realizes he's got to go to the old ones.

He's got a shift. Whoops. I got a shift. I've got a shift this to time. I thought that was going to shake things up. Whoops. I guess the Andy Richter scale is it Conan. Whoa.

Andy Richter scale. He is heavy. I know. He's heavy enough that that's mean. That he could shift the plates. It's funny that there's an amount of weight that he could lose that that would no longer be mean. You go like the Richter scale. Yeah.

To be handsome? right you know what i mean at what lb count is it no longer the headlining feature i'd like to know for personal reasons wait you just made me think is if if you're of the homosexual persuasion persuasion is it lb count oh oh is it lb count or lbq count lb count lb count you said the lb count oh like lib like pound right you might say in canada the metriciosity Yeah, but see, when I started in Canada, it was Libs. And now it stems. Actually, it's still lives, actually.

Libs, lives and conserves? Yeah. No. Yeah, conservatives. But you don't say conserves. No. No. I'll say anything.

That's the danger of being on this show. That's the danger of being around the kid. You got Rocket Man money. Yeah. You got that Rocket Man money. I got Crisco Kid money. Hey, motherfucker. You got that Dumb and Delma money.

Yeah. Hey, what's this voice? It's a little Al Pacino. Oh, yeah. But I did that on the show before. You did? Now I do a different guy. Not here, you haven't.

I've never done Al Pacino on your show. No. Harlan Williams. Yeah. One of the greats. I don't do, yeah. I don't do who I. That's a lesser.

That's a lesser, butchino. I do a more authentic, butchino. I'm naked. I bring you a cup of tea. Huh? You hear that? You hear that?

you fuck. Oh, he lured me in gently. And then dropped the horse's head on my bed. That's Al Pacino dinner party. Did you like him, you? Yeah. He does cook for you. That's part of the bed.

Glad you enjoyed it. You fuck. Wow. What can I say? What can I say? I learned you here under false pretender. Wow. Preachences. Well, wow.

I didn't know you could do Puccino. Puccino. What do you think? I'm a Puccino. What do you think I was working in the Red Light District? That's not him. I liked it, though. No, that was more. But that's Al Pacino insisting to his wife that he hasn't cheated on her.

He goes, it's Pachino, not Puccino. Yeah. All right? But it's awful. Yeah. And she's like, I actually prefer you cheat on me than say that again. Well, we're on the Pacino thing, and I know you're a nostalgic guy about movies and television. You know, I love it.

What would an Al Pacinho from Hawaii Five-O sound like? Pachin-ho? Remember Chin-ho from the original Hawaii Five-O? What would Al-Pichin-ho sound like, oh, that's a pineapple right there. a dull pineapple. I don't know. We don't know is the problem. We don't know Chinho.

What about Al Pacine Margaret Cho? Oh, yeah. I'm not doing that. Not doing that. I'll do it. I know you will. I'm going to stop you in case they do Rocket Man too. Okay.

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K-A-L-S-H-I. Trade what's next. Good luck. Where is Rocketman 2? People want. I know. They would love. I presented it.

To who? I presented it to Disney. I wrote an outline and a treatment for now Fred Randall's up on a moon, on base on Mars. Yes. And all the chaos he caused on Earth. Now he's disrupting. the whole Mars base. I presented it to him,

and the feedback was sort of like, yeah, the first one didn't make us a whole ton of money. So what, we're going to pass? The reason for the pass, Ireland, because the first one didn't work. Yeah. Yeah. So we're not going to do the second one.

Yeah. Get the fuck out of you. Yeah. That's dumb. I thought you were going to say, what's your character's name? Fred Randall. So Fred lives on Mars,

and an Elon Musk-type foil lands on Mars, and they're going to colonize it. Right. And you fuck it up for him. It's like a Dennis the Menace, Mr. Wilson, sort of like, he's like, and we're going to, I can't do Elon. And we're going to, what we're going to do. It's Lauren.

No, that was. What we're going to do? What is that? It's a bit of Trump, too. What we're going to do, beautiful Mars. Yeah. It's orange like me. I love it.

It's more orange. It looks like one of my nuts. He says it. Yeah. But he says it. Yeah. I love that planet. It looks like one of my nuts.

It just gets to color bars. finally he's gone too far. Yeah. Like that's the thing, the whole nation agrees. Well, I like where you're going with it. But when I submitted the treatment, it was pre-Elon Musk even being on radar anywhere. But that's why you do it now.

You call them up and say, hey, remember that quick pass you gave me? I'm about to embarrass you. Yeah. I'm about to embarrass you. Well, you know what's funny? With the dawn of social media, I actually hit up Elon on Twitter back before he bought it

and said you should buy this shit. Well, I just said because, you know, all his Mars stuff as futuristic adventures to Mars that he's planning right now in real time. Planning right now. Real time. Right now. He's going to go. He's playing with toys, but they're real toys, they're real rockets.

Beautiful. What about Al Trump? Al-Trump? Wow, I love cats. Wow, they eat cats. Willie. Willie. The Melmac.

What's Melma? No Mac is the planet Alpha's from. No way. He's an immigrant. He came here from Melmac. He wants to eat our cats. He did say something like that. Yeah, they're eating our cats.

They're eating our cats. Alps are eating our cats. Oh, wow. Maybe he just got it confused. Yeah. Maybe he was thinking about Alf. Yeah. He looks like he might be thinking about elf. Who?

Trump. Yeah. Just if I was like, Mr. President, Elf. Like, I'd believe. I believe that. I believe that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He thinks about a lot of things. Why not Alf? I got a lot going on. Yeah. It's weird. I had a bit. It never worked, but I met Matt Damon once. And I was like, isn't it weird?

Here we go. By the way, also did a movie called The Martian, where he was trapped on Mars in a doll, much like you talked about. So you do like a scary movie style thing. You get, you're up there. Matt Damon's up there. That's like you're cold open. And you ruin Matt Damon.

How about a Matt Damon cameo? Do you have any relationship there? Yes. Oh. Yeah. I used to do Matt Damon. You don't want to hear that, Skyla. Did the motherfucker stab me?

They stabbed me. I can't, I can't like that. Keep going. Keep going. I don't know. You don't want to hear that, Skyla. Yeah. That's all I got.

Just that one sentence. Yeah, that's all I can do. Well, he has a very distinct way to talk, but I can't. Can I offer up another sentence that maybe you could just try since you're stuck on one sentence? Sometimes maybe you need help. I can do his smile in talented Mr. Ripley. That's it. I think that was Punkastonky Pete from the gopher hole.

I looked like a gopher guy. Wow, he just said my safe word. Oh, punkastankan. I didn't even know you had a safe. What's the combo? I have never. Which is my, oh, that's me? Whoa, you just melted.

Is that good? You just Salvador Dallied your own face. Oh, you're a half clock like a pizza? Yeah. Dali saw a pizza hanging on a pole. Yeah. He said, what if that was a clock? Now he's a billionaire.

I paint a pizza clock. Ain't nobody give a shit. The guy who's mad, but Dolly just painted a pizza. It is just a pizza. Yeah. It's a pizza and he just put the facade of a clock on it. Yes.

But in his studio, it was a pizza. He was painting a pizza and he was like, I'll make this a clock later. Right. Nobody wants a pizza. And the big deception isn't that a pizza is, the clock is really a pizza. The big deception is,

is that he convinced the world that a clock had melted, but what it was is the pliable dough just hanging. That's right. So it's hanging dough, not melted timepiece. It was pizza doing what pizza do. Right. But he tricked us to thinking, everyone who sees it, oh, it's a melted clock. But it really was just a pizza.

It was just a normal-ass pizza. Yeah, if you threw a pizza over here right now, it would do exactly what the dolly clock would do. If you were just throwing pizzas, inevitably, inevitably, inevitably one would land and you'd go, Salvador Dali, Salvatore Dalymanos. Oh. Whoa. Wow.

30 minutes or it's free. No. What? 30 minutes or it's. No. 30 minutes or it's on us. No. 30 minutes or it's no charge.

I'm trying to get you. Oh. And I'm not, I'm not bullying you. No. Well, yeah. It's not Dali. It's not delivered early. It's de journos.

I'm trying to, as a friend to, because you're a comedian. I'm trying to set you up. I'm trying to push you to put it in, insert an art joke. 30, oh, I see. 30 minutes. Instead of, you're thinking pizza joke. I was going pizza joke. So I want you to think art world.

Okay. 30 minutes or it's. Fresco. I hate that I disappointed you today. No, you didn't disagree. It's tough. I'm thinking too. Okay.

And you just now said I was the Riff King. You are the RIF King. You are the Rift King. You're the Rift King. You're the Riffed both of us. You can't D-Riff a Riffer. But I've, I. Okay, free.

Free. It's art. Think artist. And folks at home, if you have an idea, yell it out. Free, Frisco. Fresco is the same three letters, but it's not. 30 minutes. Or it's free base.

Free style. 30 minutes, or it's Frida Callo. Wait, who is that artist? Unibrow. You know you jacking it to that unibrow. Wait, is that, is that the one you jack? Mona Lisa? The unibrow?

Mona Lisa doesn't have a unibrow. That's a hilarious edition you're doing in your mind. Well, who's free brow? Freebrow. Who's, I don't know. Frida? Calo. Calo.

Well, who is that? Oh, I'm sorry. Only white artists for you? Wait. Yes? Well, yes. Hello. Frida Kahlo did a lot of absurd.

It's very your thing. I mean, like, you would like, she does a lot of... I studied art history, so I... Did the smoke alarm just get raped? That would be a great, great smoke alarm. It would. Sorry, you just came in a hot. But wait.

But wait. Unibrow. Picture a South American, or I believe, a Mexican woman with a unibrow. Yes. Who was like mad at her husband. So she was always like painting her bald, overweight, gordia. Yes. Her gordo, esposa. Amber, bring in a, pull up a picture of Frida Calloway.

That's the golf clubs that have unibrowes. Oh, the golf, the Calloways. Yeah. I have some in the garage. I have some of her work in my garage. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I'm a lefty.

She'd be like feeling kind of blue, so she'd put like a caterpillar on her shoulder, like imagery, dreamies. Here we are. And while you're at it, will you grab the caterpillar out of the red truck for our friend Pete Holmes? Okay. There it is. So she had the caterpillar here. And then... You just had a caterpillar?

I just had a caterpillar. You had a pillar? There she is. You just had a pillar? Had a cat. A pillar. Yeah, there she is. There she is.

that's Frito Calais, also the rock with a wig. I have no riff on that. Yeah. So she was a famous Spanish artist. Mexican, I believe. Well, it's my show. All right, Spanish. Isn't it the same?

It's not. Tell me the difference. I know, but they don't. All right. Do you get this little buddy? Javier Bardem is a Spaniard. Yeah. Which always sounds like a slur, doesn't it?

Say it again. It sounds like it's the correct. Spaniard? Or Harvey Dam? What'd you say his last name was? Harvey Bardem. I thought you... Javier Bardem. Because Javier Bardem sounds like a racial slur more than Spaniard to me.

This real Harvey Arbardem walks in. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. I would like... Don't put it in your bucket. Don't put it in your pocket. That's very good. Have you seen no country recently? Yes, friend.

Don't put it in your pocket. Because then it would just be another quag. which of course it is that's perfect that's fucking perfect you don't clip that I ain't coming back

Frendo don't put it in your pocket Frendo that's my favorite line in the whole movie I mean yeah when he goes in and that country bumpkins

like he's doing the coin toss easy easy little fella Well he buys the peanuts How much for that And the gas Yeah What time do you close

Friendo And then he goes he goes, right about now, he goes, right about now, it's not a type. I don't remember all the lines. I know, but all I all remember is Frendo. Like, it's so, he's so creepy. Well, Frenno is the worst part of it. Like to call someone friend and then tap an O on the end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just so like, Friendo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's ominous. It is. It's weird. His haircut. By the way, his haircut.

Did you swallow a smoke alarm today? Because that's twice you've gone off. I've been smoking. clove cigarillos in your driveway. Oh. His haircut is to look like death, the cloak of death. It was? I mean, that's a theory.

But that's your theory. Well, the Coens love a unstoppable death character. My brother and I were just talking about this. The similarities between raising Arizona and no country for old men. What were the similarities? Well, there's an unstoppable death character. The guy on the motorcycle. But then we were also, this is my brother.

You've got flies. And the guy goes, I ain't got no flies. He snaps a fly right out of the air. He meaggies him? Hmm? What? Hey? So in both no country and raising Arizona, there's an unstoppable

there's an unstoppable death character following them. Yep. And in both of them, this is my brother John, his theory. John. Johnny. Big John, Moe. John. The John man.

My brother pointed out that in both, there's a moment where the guy in the motorcycle and raising Arizona shoots at a rabbit, I think, just to show how cruel he is. In no country, there's a moment, and you and I know film, it's not just like a, it's like a whole day. It's a setup.

You know what I mean? It's a camera shot. It's not like, oh, let's just keep that in. It was planned. He shoots at a bird and misses it. So this unstoppable death character that has no regard for small animals. Yeah.

That's it. Can I tell you a funny thing about me? I'm a grown man and I drink large sodas. That's right. Oh, me. You just entered the judgment zone. Wow. Oh, I'm sorry.

You thought you're in a safe place. Thanks, Judy. I'm here to get you. Judgment Judy. What's in there, Dr. Pepper? What's in there? What's in there? What's in there, boy?

5-7 valvelline engine oil. Oh, it bubbles. What is it? Coke. It's it. It's the real thing. Yeah. Michael Jackson, MJ.

But I want to tell you a story where I don't like to steal from movies, but I sort of, sort of borrowed from Raising Arizona. Okay. So I shot an indie movie years ago on my own. Native American movie. Native American movie with my... Even for us, that was beyond the bill. Yeah.

That was beyond the bill. You did this indie movie. I did this Indian movie. Wait. I did this Bollywood movie is what I would try. I did a Bollywood movie. I like it. And what I was saying is I stole a scene from the,

what you call the raising at the donor. What you call? Vot. Vindaloo, Vat. Vandalu. Vandalism. Vindaloo. Vandalism is a...

Vindizelu. Vindizelu. Vindizelu. Would you like a nice hot and steaming it pot of Vindizelu? No, no. It's a little too furious. And a little too fast. on if you know what I mean.

To the Western palette. Yeah. This riff is from a Western perspective. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't mean it's right. Right. It doesn't mean it's right. Doesn't mean it's wrong.

I think we're wrong. I think we're right to be wrong now. It feels so right to be wrong. It feels so right. It makes me crazy. When I think of you, I smile. Billy Joel. Billy Joel, he hasn't written a new one in a while.

Well, I don't know why. Why? The guy he was. stealing the songs from died. That's a theory we're going to start today. Two day. Billy Joel hasn't written a new song because there was a guy that he found and he was keeping him as a prisoner in New Jersey. That guy died. That's why no new songs. But you said initially Billy Joel hasn't written a new one in a while. He hasn't. And I thought the worst guilt trip you could ever suffer as you're still walking this mortal plane is it tonight on the news? Tonight. Billy Joel

kills himself and leaves a suicide note. I watched the Harlan Highway podcast. And you said he hasn't written a new one in a while. Guess who knows? And he just wrote one. A suicide note. You didn't specify a song. You just said he hadn't written a new one in a while.

You think the fans are clamoring for a new suicide note? Well, I think a suicide note could make a great song because most songs are about love, strife, sorrow, loneliness, depression. So why don't we start putting happy endings on suicide? take people's suicide note and turn them into song. This is, this is the sketch. We'll never do it in any other form. But you in a suit, you go to Sony BMI.

And you're like, these suicide notes, it's an epidemic. We need to get the notes. We got the best songwriters in the world. Yeah. I mean. I mean, didn't Michael Hutchins from In excess commit suicide? Can you imagine his suicide note? Brilliant.

Razor blade inside Razor blade inside No It's that in the excess lyric Yeah Don't an on no no Yeah No no no no

Like there's got to be some really good A lot of artists Off themselves Yeah Like maybe Anthony Anthony Bourdain Left a recipe Huntress hop

That's very funny What if he left a recipe I'm not comfortable Jumpball I had to die for Oh no I was going right to a cremation joke Let's preheat the oven sort of thing. Yeah.

But I'm not comfortable. I'm not going to make that joke. No, you won't. I wouldn't. You won't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it. Do you ever just want to talk?

Like, why is that way of talking only for duress? I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it. It feels good. Yeah. Your body and your face and your voice has all these colors. You're emoting. And it feels good.

All we do is red, blue, yellow. Yeah. How you do and what you eat and where you go and did you watch it? I want to be like, I. Yeah. I didn't watch it. And what your essence in doing, you know, psychologically and almost physically is you're displaying the way a peacock would flash its feathers. Just shown.

You're like, oh, do it. Let's back it off. And you back it off a bit. Was that too much? You drove a little over the line. Yeah, I think I went almost to down. Don't. Don't.

Stard Street. I think I took a little, I think I took a little ramp, a yield sign on just onto the T. I want onto the tea of Tard. I'm not. Yeah. I could sell these. Yeah. Chubbies, chubbies. I've got my chubbies.

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When you don't know what to do? Remember Rich Hall did those things where he did those word things. They were called bloopers or something. He would mix words and they were called Hawaii 50. Amber, look up. Rich Hall wrote some books that were called like, like he had a term for it where if you cut through the corner of a gas station when you're driving, it was called he made words out of things.

Oh, he made a. New word. But he called them something. Amber? Amber. Look up Rich Hall's book of like word. New words. Neologism?

That's the term for it. Yeah. Did you know Shakespeare made up elbow? He did? He did. Did you know that Sika made up Greece? Did you know Sanka is a refreshing alternative to coffee? I'm sorry, you're a mudwater podcast, aren't you?

Did you know that Paul Sanka wrote my way for, um, Frank Sancatra. Here it is. Huh? Who? S-O-A-S-O-A-S-O. Es-O-O-A-O-S-O. Who's Eso-O-S-O-A-S-O?

Oh, Sniglitz. Sniglitz. That's what they were. Sniglet? Sniglet? Yeah. I mean. Look up Rich Hall's Sniglet about going through a gas station. It's illegal, by the way.

What? To cut through a gas station. You can't cut through a gas station. can't leave a gas station with your lights off. Do you know that? But you can't, it's impossible because all cars have a standard lights on switch immediately. Now, but in the olden days. If you had, were there gas stations in the olden days? There was just a man with a bucket. They had horses and carriages. They didn't need gas. But okay, then the not so old. I mean, can you imagine a horse pulling into a gas station, you jump off the horse and shove that

cold long nozzle right up its arse? Wow. Like that's, no. We didn't need gas stations back then. Wow. If your animal had gas, it's because you fed it too many turnips. Unleaded. Unlead it. Unleaded rip. Unleaded rip, boy.

I don't know why I said it that way. Yeah. But it's because your license plate would be invisible. Oh, did you find it? Yeah. Okay, let me read it. Okay, so these are Sniglitz. Rich Hall.

Did you ever work with Rich Hall, the comedian? I can't. That's for the... He was a... He was on... He was on... Wait. Oh, here it is.

You are thinking of ESO-Asso, a made-up word coined by comedian Richel. He defined it as any person who drives through a corner gas station to avoid stopping at an intersection. Called him an ESO-Assol. S-O-Asso. Is an ESO a gas station? It was. So it's an S-O-Asshole. He's saying they're an asshole.

Yeah. Oh, I get it. Pretty good. I mean, I like it. Should we try one more? Look up one more sniglet, just a randow one. I don't think, you don't look too amused. You're kind of sitting here like almost unamused.

I'm giving you something. I know, but if Rich is watching right now, I don't think this is what he wants to see. A whole house, a sold out house, but everyone's like this. Well, yeah, it's the most unenthused. You're almost crushing your own right eye. I mean, when someone's joke is show shit that you crush your own face, that's not the reaction you want is it yeah s o s o' asshole someone might oh rich hall an apology sitgo assho

sit go i'm just saying what my oh sinclair douchebe or okay here's three more let's see if we can wipe that eye crushing grin off your face okay uh rich hall sniglet dork a person who pushes a door marked pole a dork a dork a dork um you know just an sincerity, it's just not for me. The guys who have been making the worst puns and jokes. Are you saying you're a noffed? What's that? A not for me? I just sniglin in your ass. You did?

And I did it for Rich. I did it for Rich. It's karma. Show me a picture of Rich. Wait, two more. A fleur. A fleur. It's somebody who flirts, but only in light snow. That's a good X-Men, but no, it's a photograph with the camera operator's finger in the corner. A flur. These are just like, I don't know why, but I find them to be upsetting.

Yeah, last one, lot shock, watching your car roll away after you've parked it. I just call that idiot, really. These are of a time. Thanks, Amber. These are of a time. Yeah, yeah. Now your car, you summon it. You know what?

If I can, Rich. Rich, you got a, you got a, you got a. Sitting elbow Shakespeare. That's not bad. This is our response. This is your book review for Sniglitz. That's a book of them? Oh, he did many books.

Of them? Yeah. See, that's why I think that's what is bumping me. Not its quality, but that I grew up in the 90s, and that's what comedy was. It was like calendars of just like, I'm a, I'm a frapp. It's like, I'm a French person. and you just took a cramp. Wow.

Wow. And I just remember being like, is this what it is? Yeah. It's just the comedy? Yeah. I just thought it was like clown and stuff. I'm not saying he is.

I'm just saying they sat around eating cake and being like, what two words? Gallagher did a lot of that. Yeah. Remember? Yeah. It wasn't just smashing water.

Watermelons. Don't go smashing. Watermelons Your brother will steal your act And do it as well You'll try to stop him But he'll say it's parody And before you know

You've lost a lot of cash Lisa Left eye Smash Lopez Didn't she get killed Yeah Not a suicide though So I know where you're going

You're not going to get them lyrics But what I'm asking is If her eye was all banged up when she died, her left eye. Like how did she die? Lisa left eye. She left eye. She left us? She left.

What if somebody read a terror? Look, that's, I can't. It's a real person. But somebody might have. Was. Wow. You just splooched. Saved by the loo, man.

Wow. Saved by the loo. Yeah. Speaking of watermelons, my guy. It's because your fridge is too cold. Yeah. I was in Home Depot the other day. I was in Home Sweet Home Alone.

What are we bragging? Whoa. What are we bragging? Home Sweet Home alone. What are we bragging? Okay. I was in Sweet Home Alabama. You were?

Yeah. Okay. I've been to Alabama. I had some rhubarb once. Wow. There was wild ruby. bar growing in my backyard when I was a kid. In Alabama?

We called it the devil's celery. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What were you going to say? So as in Home Depot, do you ever go there? I've been. So I go in and, because when you said watermelon, it triggered a story, if you don't mind me telling it. It's not a long one.

We're on the Harlan Highway and we're in the carpool lane. I know, but you might not want to hear a Home Depot story. A Home Depot, Watermelons. story? Well, it was semi-related to what? Watermelons. I thought it was going to be a hot dog story because don't they have those hot dog stands? They're outside, though. This happened inside. Oh, there was a

watermelon inside. If you want me to tell it, I will, but if you don't... Okay, I'm in Home Depot. I give it a French Cajun flare. And I'm picking up a bag of grass seed, okay? I've got a big bag of grass seed. I'm walking down one of the aisles. I scrape it on someone's card. And I run and I find one of those Fembots and the orange, you know, cooking gowns or the aprons.

Yes. And I go, sir, you got to help me. He goes, what's wrong? I said, I spilled my seed. What? He said, what aisle? I said 12. He goes, don't worry, that's the sprinkler aisle. And then, you know,

nine months you'll have children. Why must you hate? I don't hate. I loved every moment. Don't worry. In nine months, you'll have a rolling field of children. Of children. Because you spilled your seed.

Oh, my God. I spilled my seed. So you were going for the biblical kind of jerk off sound. Well, no. I thought it was just a whimsical. You just thought to be a joke. Don't worry. It'll just be grass.

Yeah. That seems like a Harlan joke. Yeah. I spilled my seed and it was fine. I went. Back nine months later. I got sodomized. Sod.

Sod. Sod. Sod. And Gomorah. If you spill your seed. Yeah. Sodom. And Gomorah.

What is that? Sodom and Gomorrah. It's two cities. But why is it, it's a reference to, like, devious life, deviant lifestyle? It's where we get Sodom. Sodom. Sodom. It is?

I believe there was a lot of rear entry. So Sodom and Gomor were two people. Gamora, no, these were cities. Okay, where were they? Just east of the Euphrates? Who cares? I do. I do.

You're going to go get your dipstick. What if I want to go on a holiday to Sodom or Gomorah? Is it Gamora or Gomorrah? Gamora. Gamora. Gamora to you too. Sodom. That's where we get sodomy, and Gomorah means to 69.

I'm just kidding. Wow. Wow. Wait. Wait. They're real cities? They're gone, though. That's the whole point is God smote them.

There was a lot of smote back in the... I've never had that word used on the Harlan Highway podcast. Smote. Smote. Smote. Let's explain. I know what it is, but they don't. Well, when God hates a place, he'll smote it. What does that mean?

Smote. S-M-O-T-E? I think it's the past tense of he smited it. Smite, but isn't... He done did smite it. Isn't it spite? He spite... When you spite something, you hate it.

In spite of the spite, I smite and I smoke. Yeah. I smoke what I smoke, but I smite... Diet Sprite. Whoa. And Sprite is like Slice, if Slice wasn't nice. Dino-Mite. And Fanta was made by Coke in case the Germans won the war.

That's true. You're grape crushing it, guy. Wow. But wait. Thank you. You're Welchum. Wow. I had to do both parts because I couldn't send it to you to say thank you.

Welchum. This is delicious. This is grape soda underrated. Yeah. Good. I love, that's my favorite pop. Is it? I love grape crush.

Grape crush is great. Yeah. Orange Fanta great. You know what's great is I have restless leg syndrome and I'll put like a bunches of grapes at the end of my bed when I sleep. And when my legs get going, I wake up in the morning, well, okay, if you're not going to let me live, when's it my turn to shine, guy?

God. It's Sodom and Gmoring me all over the place. First of all, do you have restless leg? because that is right on the tip of your riff zone. Yeah. Have you tried iron? I have, but my clothes don't get that wrinkled because I... Nixon?

God. My clothes. I heard iron deficiency leads to the shaky leg quite a bit. That's what I heard. It's restless leg. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they shake, don't they? They sort of kick.

That's why I put Concord Grable. at the end of my bed and in the morning I got my own winery now. Yeah. Athletes, foot, stink. Pino noir. Pino, no. Our.

Cabernet. You want some? Cabernet. No, but my horse does. Oh, Cabernet. Cabernet. Cabernet. That's yay or Cabernet?

Oh, I like it. Cabernet. Yeah. There's got to be something called Cabaret. But wait, I'm trying to get you to talk to me about Sodom and Gimore because I... They're gone. But where did they... Is it like, are they like Atlantis?

Were they a mythical place or were they real? It was Atlantis for butt stuff. But there was a lot of butt stuff in Atlantis. Yeah. Put it in my starfish, they'd yell. They needed a butt plug in the bottom of the ocean so Atlantis didn't like get sucked down. Wait, wait. Please wait.

I haven't moved. I know, but you're not helping me. I'm reaching out to you desperately for an answer. I wonder if there have been historical digs. We know where Pompeii is. Yeah. So was there a physical place for Sodom and Gomorrah?

This is worth looking up. Wow. Real quick. I've never... Is there any archaeological discoveries that prove the existence of Sodom and Gomorrah? Just wait five seconds. Just wait four seconds. Just wait three seconds. Just wait two seconds.

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Mars men, natural testosterone support. Let's go to Mars, men. Just wait one second. I forgot we're in the... In hills, man. Yeah. Ain't got no cell up here. Oh, you're not getting service?

No. Let me try. Oh, it's thinking. Searching. No. No archaeological discoveries have definitively proved the existence or catastrophic destruction of the biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Oh, so it might just be make-em-ups.

We don't know. Now I'm sort of like mixed up. I know. Because Sodom and Gomorrah, you hear that referenced a lot. Yeah. But now you're referencing just a mythical place. Maybe.

Was it ever a place like Jesus walked to? Like it was in the Middle East? This is Old Testament. Wow. So we're talking like 5,000 years ago. Wow. Yeah. Are you versed in the Bible?

Like, do you know that stuff? I think I do pretty well at like Bible jeopardy. You do? I do okay. Really? I get by. Wow. Yeah.

It's like Spanish. If you know a certain number of words, you can talk to people. Do you speak Spanish? A poikido. Huh? Un poquito. Un boogito. So you picked your nose and had one booger?

No. Nada de nariz. With nuts. Escucham. Puees Oillier the words say, leaving my boca. I'm trying to do Chris Tucker. Do you understand the words that are coming out of a hotel in Cabo?

Oh, I never check out. Yeah. Guess what? You don't have to. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. You can leave. Not according to the Eagles. Not the Hotel, California?

Yeah. Those guys are just fucking... You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Is that it? Yeah. Nice. And the thing was

the Hotel California when that song came out. Yes. Because it's sort of mythical in a sense. Yes. Everyone said it was THC. It was about week.

The Hotel California. Oh. So back. You're hooked on it. Like everyone was saying you can check out anytime you like, Hotel California.

Like all the lyrics if you look at it under the context. But it's just about a brothel. Not really if you if you add the T. C thing, it's almost like a weed trip. Mirrors on the ceiling.

Pink champagne on ice. We're all just prisoners here of our own device. This is another puff the magic dragon. This fucking sucks. How dare you, Sodom and Gomoramie in my own studio? Before we had the internet, we just had long-haired hippies being like, but it's really about weed. Fuck off.

Are you fucking off the hippie generation? I'm fucking off the Eagles. Whoa. I don't give a shit. You can check a... I'm not listening to any Eagles, man. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people don't like the Eagles just because of the Big Lobowski.

What do you mean? He says that. He does? I'm not listening. I can't find it. Hey, man. There it is. I'm not listening.

No, can't do it today. That's it. I'm not listening to it. Can't do it. Hey, man. Speed, you're bridges. It's wrong today. You're the dude.

Yeah, baby. I can't do it today. You got it. You got it. No, you got it. People call me the dude there. You're nailing it. But I can't say.

He says I'm not listening to any fucking Eagles. It's like Pino noir. It's like a Cabernet. No, Merlot was to the movie sideways as the Eagles is to the Big Lobowski. But because he said it in a movie that makes you hate the Eagles? Yeah, I'm not ready to take orders from media. Oh, wait, there's a lyric. Oh, oh, oh, can you give me a minute of silence?

Sure. Will I find this for you? Great. Oh, hold on, buddy. Quiet, hold on. Oh, here it is, ready? Here it is. Let me sing it and then comment.

Go ahead. I found out a long time ago what a woman can do to your soul, but she can't make you do. anything that you don't already know where to go. Isn't that a great line? No. You don't like that line from the Eagles? No.

I found out a long time ago what a woman can do to your soul. I'm with you so far. But she can't make you go anywhere that you don't know, you don't already know where to go. Oh, I like that. I think you sang it wrong. I did. Can I do it again?

Two, three, four, even your dumb humming. It was helpful, It was dumb. That's what threw me off. You were a little soft. Remember you said I fucked up the lyrics? You were below the melody.

Screwed my frontal cortex and fuck my corobellum. So is Karen Carpenter's chest. Now what do you got caught in you? Can I try it in complete silence? Three, four. I found out a long time ago what a woman can do to you so. but she can't make you do go fuck she can't make you go anywhere

you don't already know where to go good very good sorry mr henley yeah I screwed it up no I'm sorry to the Eagles it's a great lyric you like it I do okay do you have one eagle lyric you like I mean I can't take it easy good one good one wow we have a lot of fun where's our comedy comedy.

Yeah, where is it? We say that every time. We say that every time. We always go, when are we doing something together? And we never do. But it's not us. It's not our problem. It's the town.

It's like... It's dried up. Something has to present itself unless we sit down and physically make something. But who has time for that? Yeah. Okay. The guys that know how to scatter shot a podcast straight out their butts aren't great at strategizing showbiz takeovers.

No. Which is it? And that's why we're both successful failures. We are. I liked it. Yeah. You don't want to have too much of that fame sickness. Did you just wink at me?

I'm sorry. You're not feeling this? No, I'm asking. It was either negative or positive. It was just a question. Let me deal with my own emotions. Okay, that's fair. Why did I have these on here, but yet I was using these?

Have I been double lensing you? After a certain age, you can find a man by a trail of readers, like breadcrumbs. Yeah. It's true. Hansel and... Greetal. I want to pitch a Lynn Manuel Miranda reboot of Hansel and Gretel. Oh, wow.

Look at this house. It looks so delicious, delicious. I'm going to go inside. Look at this. It's delicious. It's delicious. There's candy, corn on the ceiling. there's titsy rolls in the toilet.

At least I hope those are titsy rolls. Oh, God. If there's tutsi rolls in the toilet, that witch has a bowel problem, man. Because aren't they the little fun size? Yes. But it becomes clear as the song goes on that he ate them. I'm getting more and more suspicious.

Those weren't tutsi rolls. It really takes a good part of the narrative. Yeah. Did she eat those kids? Yeah. yeah. In every German fairy tale a child is consumed. Really? Oh yeah. They love it. Yeah, they love kids. And the lesson is you look so delicious to us. We love to eat your little thighs, that your chintel flesh is us ver good that, yeah? But that's what a kiss is. A kiss is, I would.

What do you mean? I'd eat you. Would you eat a kid if you were crashed in a plane in the mountains and it was the only viable food source. Is it dead? Yeah. Who's dead? And I'll tell you the order I'm going. It's just a kid. It could even be your own son.

Okay, no. Listen. Oh, does that make it easier? I don't know. That's what I'm asking you. Cannibal lectum. Did anyone think that was too on the nose? Yeah.

He's a cannibal. Hannibal. Named Hannibal. Yeah. It's like pillaging a village. Yeah. Nobody wanted to tell the captain of the pirate. chip, that's fucking dumb.

Right. And if the guy who figured Hannibal Lecter out had a lisp, and when it's him, cannibal Lector, they would have said, oh, ignore him, he's just got a lisp. That's Hannibal Lecter. He would never eat anyone. Why are you turning into an outboard motor? I don't know. I was.

Twice you've been... I was a fire smoke detector. Now I'm an outward motor. You're an outboard six-horse. horsepower mercury. Why don't you live in Vancouver Island? I've been there. Yeah, but why don't? Canadiens love Canada. I loved it, but then I got out of it. Mostly to be honest, the cold and the dampness and the entertainment industry. Yeah. When I was growing up, it was, they didn't even have one really. Right. It was just a farm league. So I had to come down here to pursue my, my goals. And that brought us to

this to me and you. Me getting into the comedy industry now sitting across from a power player. Power player. Yeah. Not a hockey player. A power player. Power play. Power play player. Nice. Yeah. All right. I just know a lot of like did you watch the Martin short documentary? It was good. No. It was good. But he had like a summer place in Canada and I'm like, why? Yeah. Why? He had it as a kid or as an adult? As an adult. Okay. Look, it looked beautiful, but I was like, you know in August it's cold. You know in August. No.

The water? No. Well, the water's a little cold. Because we had a summer place too. We still have it. My family. What's the address? You really want to know?

I want everyone to know. Because we know you're not there a lot. I know. There's a lot of people looking for some R&R. Okay. I didn't know that many people liked Ricearoni. But, um, Oh my God.

Here's the address. Get a pen. It's four. 172, Sakangadooka-haka, and Tickatatataka Lake. Oh, Lake?

Yeah. Wow. The locals call it Tittakatooka for short. Lake. They just call it Tit. Tit Lake. Yeah.

Tit Lake. Yeah. Tit Lake. Yeah. Do you have a special lady in your life? You mean like special needs? Hey, baby,

you want to go to a movie tonight? Oh, no. What? No? We're too, we're on that road, you described. We're so close to, we're on that road. Should I pull, put it in reverse? Okay.

Put it in reverse. Well, you did ask if I had a special lady. That's very funny, but I can't be, I can't be next to that ref. Why would I laugh at my special lady? So cold. We're so fragile. Humans? We want water, but not too cold.

Yeah. We want air. but it's got to be the right mixture. Yeah. We want rain, but not too much. We want heat, but not too much. Would you be a guy who survived in the apocalypse? Like if society fell apart and we had to become nomads wandering the wasteland?

How many days do you give yourself? Are you one of these guys that needs all these perks or could you... Like make it? Yeah. Real question. Yeah. And we're only, we're an hour in, the first real question. The only way I could do that is if it's an endurance challenge, not a survivalist challenge.

So if I'm in a Walmart where I have like food, then I could like make, keep my mind same, I think for a very long time. Okay, but that's not what I asked if you were in a Walmart. I'm just out there looking for food, killing food, defending. However, that's what I mean. No. You wouldn't survive. What about this partially melted stick of margarine wearing a jacket thinks, with a wig on, thinks I could make it in that scenario? Because I think that all of us have a primal sensibility in us that when we most need it, it would kick in.

And I wonder if you're in tune with that. And although we do live in this world of cheesecake factories and tobacco lounges, I don't even know why I said that. I loved it. I loved it. But could you rise above that and your sort of Neanderthal sensibilities kick in to keep you alive? And I think they might. That's me talking on your behalf, but you tell me.

Well, I do think it's a little bit like childbirth. My wife, when she was giving birth to our daughter, there's a phrase, you're going to think I'm making it up, but they say, let the monkey do it. Meaning let the part of you that's a primate give birth. Right. Because it's so primal. Right. Yeah.

And I think, especially if I was in some sort of scenario where it's me and my family, I could definitely kill a chicken. Wow. You thought I was going to say something darker. No, I just, I'm picturing you like the city's burning, corpses are lining the roadway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's screaming, rape. pillaging and one guy sitting on a curb with a grin on his face going,

it's finger licking good. Like he ate it. Oh, it's me. Oh, I ate a chicken. Yeah. Yeah, but in this. And you're also doing jingles from a corporate. Yeah,

I'm still sponsored. Yeah. Even in a post-apocalyptic situation. I'm like, go to kernel.com slash weird. I'm still trying to like make a living. Colonel.com, he says. I, Pat and Oswald, I believe.

leave said this on my podcast, which was there's either zombie people or post-apocalyptic people, and I am a post-apocalyptic person. Explain. Meaning, if you're like laying in bed and you're just kind of fallen asleep and you just want to think of a cozy fantasy, for some people it is cozy to kind of be like, what would I do with me and my buddies? Yeah. There's zombies. It's like fun.

Like, not scary, but fun. Yeah. And the extrovert is zombies and the introvert is post-apocalyptic. And I'm introverted. Because what are you in a post-apocalyptic situation alone? Yeah. And ain't nobody there. And every part of that is pretty rocking for an introvert.

Would you want to survive if you're all alone? Yeah. You would. You could survive in the emptiness. Like in a castaway sort of situation? Yeah, like just you're in a waste then. You're not on a remote island. Now you're here.

But everything and everyone you know is gone. You're like the last guy on Earth type of thing. Yeah. I would want to, I think I would want to stay alive, yeah. Cool. I'd definitely, I'd start talking to myself 20 minutes in. Yeah. I'd just build a Wilson.

Yeah. Wilson de volleyball. Wilson, the volleyball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, I'm happy to hear that. I wasn't sure about you. Really? Well, I wasn't sure.

I mean, don't get you wrong. You're a cosmopolitan guy, so I wasn't sure if you were. If I need that juice of the life. Yeah. I might be, I'm almost certainly flattering myself, but I do think I could, I think if the world was gone and everybody was gone, but I could go around like finding food and stuff. Yeah.

Like I am legend style. Yeah, you would. I think I could do that for a while. Hey, gang, what's one money issue you wish you had learned earlier and how are you trying to pass that down to your kids? For all of the parents out there with teenagers, We know you're already trying to keep a million different things under control. Cash app is here to help make sure your teen's money and their spending isn't adding to that craziness.

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Card. Savings provided by Cash App, a Block Inc. brand, visit Cash App slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Cash app. I think we're wired to do it. We don't want to. Look, look at people in hospitals who are not only dying, but they're in an immense pain, but they still fight to live. Persevere, yeah. And so imagine if you still had your health, then you just had the free roaming rain to go in any store. Yes. You know what I like to think, too, is sort of an amendment on that idea is what if everybody froze and you're the only one that can move around. Ooh, that's a Twilight Zone episode. Yes.

Did you ever see that one? The guy found this weird watch and he could freeze everyone. And you could see the actors like kind of. Yeah. I would like to just see what everybody was doing. Yeah. Even if it was just one moment, like this moment and it's frozen. I found out a long time ago what a woman can.

can do to your soul but she can't take you anywhere you don't already know where to go speaking of going buddy you got to get gone but before you go we do our final

segment words from a wooden shoe you reach in pull out a rando word and see if it sparks a story from your wonderful journey in life my guy Fave concert. Here we go. I can tell a very quick story about that. I saw Tom Petty at the bowl after he was dead.

I'm just kidding. Whoa. Before he died. Yeah. And I love the song. Listen to her heart. You know that song? Yeah, written by Don Henley from the Eagles.

You fucking piece of shit. You fucking piece of shit. Gotcha. You fucking piece of shit. I found out a long time ago what Tom Petty can do to your soul. Okay, keep going, Carol. Carmine. Carmine.

Yeah. I just, it felt like a really, I'm not saying it was like real magic or anything. But listen to her heart is kind of a B-side. Yeah. You know, he's got a lot of hits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He could play for two hours, just hits. Yeah.

So I'm like, he's not going to play Listen to Her Heart. Why is he going to play Listen to Her Heart? I'd like to Hear Listen to Her Heart. It was a song I used to think about because there was this girl I had a crush on in high school and this other kid. I believe the kid's name was Chris. Bull. Great name for a nemesis. I've never even... How ironic you saw him at the Hollywood Bowl.

Pro. Bro. That's two bros. Bowl. Brady. Bow. Bunch. It's a bunch of bulls. Yeah. Smoked a bowl. Yeah, you did. Didn't. But that's crazy.

Anyway, I used to listen to the song, listen to her heart, and think Chris Bull had not stolen my girlfriend. He just asked, he asked her out to the junior prom. I asked the same girl out to the senior prom. So she had different dates. I had a fat girlfriend. I asked her to the Carl's junior prom. I found that. Go ahead. I keep going. I'm wrecking your story. I don't want to. You're not. Please. I'm giving it all the accoutreement of a real story, but it's not. All I have to say is, I go, opening song, pre-fallen. I'm just kidding. Opening song was listening to her heart. Right away? Right away. But in a way, in a way, weren't you like, oh man, he hit my favorite tune? right at the start, now I can leave.

Didn't you want to like anticipate it and go, oh, that's his 12th song as he could. Like edging? Like Tom Petty, edging? Yeah. No, I just wanted to blow my load right away. So you heard it and did you stay for the rest of the concert? It's a great question because once he started doing the encore,

I did start making my way towards the car. But if he hadn't sung, I would have stayed. You would have stayed. I'd been like, what if he does listen to your art? But he did it right up top. So I did. The very first song?

That was the first song I found I found out Oh sorry Well, it's my show You think you're going to take her away What a woman can do to your soul She can take you anywhere

That you don't know already where to go It's the Eagles. Well, it's like Eagles to me. You know what that sounds like. Man, I hate the fucking Eagles, man. Hey, man. Hold on listening to any fucking Eagles, man. You got it.

I got it. You got it. I had to push. I had to push you. A good director knows what's in his performers. Folks, Pete, before you go, by the way, Pete Holmes was here, as if you didn't know, folks. Folks. I don't know our favorites here on the Harlan Highway.

Folks. Before you go, buddy, please promote your podcast, your special that I know you had, all your stuff. Let it rip. I do have a new special. It's for free on YouTube. It's called Silly Silly Fuck Boy. It's called Silly Sully Sully Fun Boy. Just type in Pete Holmes on YouTube. It'll come up. Please watch it. It's free. It's great. Watch it, gang. And I have a kid's book coming out called Spells to Cast on Your Parents. It's available for pre-order. Wherever you get your books. I'm very proud of that. Wow. My daughter likes it. Who did the illustrations? I did. You did? Everybody get me. Land of Kiss My Franny. Wow. I didn't know you did that. I loved it.

And I did it in tape. That's the medium. What do you mean? The book is a book of spells. Yeah. And you're not supposed to be reading it. So by opening the book is the inciting incident. Oh, that's cool.

For wizards only, but you open the book. Ooh, that's really cool. And the warning says, it's guarded by a small black dragon named Jesse. Oh, wow. And you're reading it. And on like, page two, Jesse shows up. So there's a, he, I wanted a way to make a lot of black. Oh, wow.

So I used masking tape. And his eyes are yellow, so there's yellow tape on his eyes. And then I would use an exacto and I have to like cut it. It was really, really fun. I wish you brought a copy in. I think I have a picture of that. Wait, no, because will you bring it in next time? But you can show a picture.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd love to have the physical book here. Yeah, yeah. I'll definitely bring one next time. And we could read it. And then we could, when we're finished reading the children's book, we could finish your answer to the question about would you eat your own son if you were crashed in a plane.

Well, I thought you were going to give me options, like a big rotund woman? No, now that you've done a kid's book, I think it's imperative that we know if you're a child eater. That's hilarious. I can't find it. Not to the kids, it's not. I'll tell you who's not laughing. The kids? Those kids.

I'll tell you who's not. I can't find it. Well, I don't think you really did a kid's book, really. I mean, if you can't find it on Google, did it really even happen? Probably the easiest place in the world to find something, and the guy's been scrolling. for 10 minutes telling us he made some kind of tape book and just I think all he wants to do is eat kids okay here I found this is a terrible it sucks I can't show you a good image of it but it is tape Pete did you really write a kid's book Pete how do you know this isn't the first

moment of your life and everything was just an implant today is the first day of the rest of your wife I'm sorry I don't mean to be a philm k dick but you're blown my mind wow I I dream of electric sheep. I'm sorry. Total recall. No. That is the book that they made to tell recall.

No, Blade Runner. Blade Runner. Guy ain't running blades. He ain't running blades. You just did the wildest eyes. You're like, you did this. You're like, Blade Runner. It's like you were looking over a hill,

but you couldn't see over the hill, but you were still looking over it somehow. I know what face I made. I love. The new one. The new what? The new Blade Runner. I think it's fantastic.

With Ryan Gosling? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. You give it another try. Did you ever... That was real. Jay Bar last call, like... Give it another try.

Let's see if Sodom is a real place. Yeah, I think I just saw it. I think I was Google Earth and flying over your face and I saw it. Yeah. What if you... You can Google Earth. Just look for the big butthole. Google T-bag.

Nice. Pete, thanks for being here, my guy. Always. Will you bring your kids book the next time so we can show it? I don't have a copy of it yet, but yes. It's pre-order only right now. Gotcha. How about a ham for the kids author?

Pete, thank you, buddy. Folks, that's it for today. Until next time, chicken chal mane, baby. And why don't we have the guy from the Big Lebowski, the dude, say goodbye. Hey, man. Harley Highway podcast, man. Go watch the Big Labowski. And we're out. Bye. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh?

You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points. And off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.