The Harland Highway - POD - 520 - GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN, Shopping for DICK

Episode Date: October 3, 2013

Today we discuss the danger of Government shut down, shopping for giant dicks, Ronald Regan construction Co. and calls from Pavement Pounders. Slip on my slop! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Pooh poker face, pooh, pooh, pooh, po poker face. I wonder if a guy with a stutter sang that song, if it would be like quadruple the pooh-p-p-pup-pp poker face, my, pooh, poker face. All right, why am I starting with that? We have too many amazing things to talk about, okay? Today we are talking about the government shutdown. Somebody called in and asked about the government shutdown.

Will it shut down? I don't know. We're going to talk about it. What happens if it does? Interesting stuff. Also, on the theme of politics, we're going to talk about what would Ronald Reagan do if he was a contractor,

if he could come and fix your home? How about that, huh? And how about this? I went shopping for dicks. Yeah, long pregnant pause rate. there it's true i went i'm not going to give it away but you got to get to hear this story i went yours truly went shopping for dicks great big giant dicks

and wait to hear what happened on this adventure shopping for dicks okay so it's going to be a crazy show a couple of phone calls coming in thank you to you guys for calling and uh you know like i said we're going to talk about the government shutdown could be the end of the world. Who knows? It's just getting started here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. I will look for you.

Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway. Hey-oh. And there's glasses. I will find you. My mom always said, you can't handle the truth. Many years of therapy. Many, many, many, many.

fucking years of theory I will kill you Listen lame brain Let an expert show you how to do this The Harland Highway You never know what you're going to get It's the Holland Highway Yep that's it

That's where you are Because I'll tell you where you're not at You're not at Dix Yeah that's right Dix Have you seen this place It's a big sporting good store. It's like the Home Depot of sporting goods stores. Dix. D-I-C-K-S. Dix. So the other day, I'm out

driving around, okay? I'm shopping. I go over to Best Buy. Okay? I'm over at Bed Bath and Beyond getting new towels. And as I'm driving around, as I'm driving around, in the mall district. I see this giant sign Dix, and I'm thinking, okay, I got the new towels. I got the new camcorder. Wait a minute. Dix, I do need a giant new dildo. Of course.

So I go over to Dix, and it's not what you think. I don't need a dildo for it. It's not sexual. I use them as fly swatters. I get the real long ones. They have the big, big long ones. And you ever get flies in your house? I'm telling you, man, you just get that giant dildo out and,

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, what were you guys thinking? Yikes. So I go into Dicks, and I walk up to one of the guys. I said, yeah, I'd like a giant dildo. And the guy goes, sir, we don't. carry dildos?

And I looked at his name tag and I said, this is Dix, right? And he's like, yes, sir, this is Dix. Okay, I'd like a giant Dildo, please. Sir, we don't sell Dildos here. Well, clearly, sir, the sign over your door says Dix. Now, you're going to sell me a dick or I need to talk to a manager.

well sir we don't sell dicks and i'm all right get me your manager who is your manager and the guy's like well his name is dick i'm like for god's sakes so now dick comes over and i'm like dick yes sir i need to buy a dick we don't sell dick sir dick sir are you dicking me around dick no sir dick I need you to go back in there and get me a dick. A giant big pink dick or a big long black dick or a medium baby-sized Asian... No, just get me the biggest dick you've got, Dick. Sir, we don't sell dicks. Look, I've got a fly problem at my house.

I need to slap those nasty flies with a giant dick. Is this dicks or is this not dicks? This is Dix, sir. And this went back and forth. I didn't get anywhere. I left Dix with a brand new lacrosse racket, a pair of spandex workout pants, and a baseball glove.

How disappointing is that? That's got to be like the ladies, if you're listening, going out on a date and hoping to get, well whatever and you end up with nothing forget it forget it anyway so you know be careful what you call your company okay false advertising misleading signage whatever let me just close with this dick comment if you are going to call your company dicks and put a 40-foot sign up that says dicks well damn it you better g d well sell some damn dicks that's like me going to ikea and not being able to buy a giant ikea

you sell what's on the sign okay so there and now listen now i got the flies i got the flies guess i'm enough to pull out my old dick And it's all tattered. The head's all frayed. Looks like a cat of nine tails. It's all ripped up. I got this seven-inch-long dick that's all said. I can't get a new one. Get out of here.

Hey. Get out. Hey. Got them. Thanks, Dick. General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity,

for the Soviet Union in Eastern Europe. If you seek liberalization, come here to this gate. Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate. Mr. Gorbachev. Mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall. Oh, yeah. What a speech.

What a speech? Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. I would love to become a contractor or a carpenter, just to be able to say that. That would feel so. good you go into some somebody's house mrs polansky or mrs uh

mrs hetherington or whatever insert name here mrs davidson and you're you're uh kicking around in their house they want to they want to open up one of their rooms they want to add a fireplace they want to knock out a wall, they want to put in a sunroom. I would love to just stand in their room with a hard hat on and a sledgehammer in one hand and look at them, say, Mrs. Davidson, if you want a sunroom, then Mrs. Davidson, then Mrs. Davidson

tear down this wall. Excuse me? tear down this wall I'm sorry that sounds a little dramatic to me Mrs. Davidson if you want a new fireplace I need you to tear down this wall I'm sorry you're making me very uncomfortable with this talk

tear down this wall Mrs. Davidson okay you've got to leave that would be fun man So dramatic. So very dramatic. And speaking of dramatic, oh, my gosh. I got such a nice phone call from one of the pavement pounders.

I got to share it with you. Let's play it right now. Roger, play the nice phone call I got from one of the pavement pounders just the other day. I like this. Here it is. Roger, roll it. Hello? Hello.

Hey, Harland. This is Mick. Butler. I'm from Minnesota, and I just wanted to call and say how much I liked your last podcast genuinely. I wanted to say that it really seemed like it came from the heart, and I don't get that kind of stuff from the everyday podcast that I listen to on the daily. Because I do, I listen to Mark Maron. I listen to him.

He's great. And I think that yours is, it's beyond the interview, it's beyond a lot of things. And I think that I respect everything that you do, and I know it comes from the heart. and I relate to every single bit of it. You keep on doing what you're doing. Thank you so much. How about that, man? Mick, thank you so much.

What a kind, thoughtful, wonderful, meaningful voicemail for me to receive. It's nice to know that, you know, what I'm putting out there resonates with folks. and, you know, outside of just having so much fun doing this, it's nice comments like that that make me even more inspired to lay down the juiciness. So, Mick, thank you so much. A wonderful call. I got one little suggestion for you.

I don't want to take the edge off the beauty of your call, but I'm going to ask you a little favor. I need you to I guess I need you to be a little more proud okay of where you're from Mick, you're from Minnesota and I detected a little faint

a little faint air of maybe not being too enthused about being from Minnesota, Mick. I'm from Minnesota and nothing. Mick, okay? If this podcast resonates with you and gives you

food for your soul and your brain and your mind, here's the next thing I want to say. I need you to stick that chest out and say, I'm from Minnesota, damn it! We have 10,000 lakes, and we will drown you if we have to. I'm from Minnesota.

No more of this. I'm from Minnesota. Okay, from now on, Mick, it's this. I'm from Minnesota. Damn it! Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

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Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So there you go. Just a little tip from me to you

on the Harland Highway. And thank you again so very, very much for such a kind, um, uplifting, uh, voicemail. I do really appreciate it. Thank you, Mick from Minnesota. And, uh, if you folks want to, leave a message. You're welcome to do so. 323739 4330. That's 323739 4330. And I'm not fishing for compliments.

They don't have to be wonderful, beautiful calls like mix. You might have something sour to say. You might be pissed. You might, you know, you might disagree with something. You might think maybe you should say I'm from Minnesota the way Mick says it and not the way I'm suggesting. Whatever. I always like getting your phone calls, so you can call and say whatever the F you want. So there you go. If you want to write to me, if you're afraid of answering machines or voicemails, you can always write to harlornwilliams.com with your thoughts, queries, questions, comments, insults, praise, what have you.

Love hearing from you. Also, I hope you guys up in Canada were able to tune in and catch my new sitcom. It aired on Monday night, Package Deal. It's just the first episode. I'm so excited it went up on the air, and hopefully you'll stay with the series. We've got 13 of them coming. Well, 12 now. We played one, so we've got 12 more coming to get you through the fall season.

And I hope you guys stick with the show and enjoy it. And feel free to call in or write and comment about the sitcom package deal on City TV across Canada, 830s Monday night. And look forward to your feedback on that. Now, let's, what are we doing, Roger? Huh? What? Another call? Okay, I don't mind. This is fun. Let's take another call here at the Harland Highway.

Hello? Hello? Harlan, this is Derek in North Dakota. I was wondering what you think about this parcel of shutdown of the government. Is that going to shut down the Harlan Highway? What would Harlan do about it? Oh, Derek. Derek, in North, was it North Dakota or South Dakota?

In North Dakota. Okay, cool. North Dakota, Derek. That's really cool. By the way, Derek, guess where I'm from? I'm from Minnesota. No, not really. But Derek from North Dakota, excellent question.

First answer is the Harland Highway is going nowhere, because the Harland Highway is not beholden to any government or affiliation or political party or lobby group. The Harland Highway is total freedom, man. The Harland Highway rides through the avenues of your brain. There are no road taxes. There are no fees. There is no government repair. The Harland Highway is always in a state of immaculate.

immaculate preparedness and readiness. I just breathed in some hot asphalt. So, no, the Harlan Highway will not shut down, but I have a kind of ominous theory about this government shutdown. Okay? Hear me out because you asked.

I think the public in general is dissatisfied with the government. And this isn't about parties, this isn't about Obama versus, you know, the Republicans. I just mean, in general, I find that it's appalling, it's disgusting, it's immature, it's a waste the way the American government has run right now, where my feeling is that the two parties run against each other to inhibit. each other from getting anything done so one party doesn't look better than the other party and win the next election. I think they spend all of their four years preparing for the next four years. And in order to prepare for the next four years for the next election,

they've got to spend this four years since the last election figuring out ways to make the other guys look bad, to make the other guys fail so that when they start doing the debates and when they start campaigning, they can go, oh, well, the Republicans failed at this, the Democrats failed at that. Failure, failure, failure, loser, loser, loser. Don't vote for them. I believe they're more focused on that crap and pandering to people and placating people and lobby groups and public interest groups and all kinds of groups.

I don't think that the government is in there running effectively as just a government looking up for the best interests of the people. That's what I think. It really is shameful. If a private company was run the way the government runs with all the waste and the bickering and the wasted time, forget about it, man. So that the fact that the government's operating on our dime, on our hard-earned tax dollars, and up there acting like a bunch of immature schoolchildren doing the he said she said pointing the finger trying to dig up dirt on everybody

how about find out what's going on with your constituents your communities your neighborhoods finding out what the problems are sitting down and addressing them and writing the wrongs and I don't think unless you know something I don't know I don't think anybody has the feeling that that's what they're doing. I think it's pathetic. So here's the interesting theory that I have about the government shutting down.

You want to hear it? Well, you asked me, so you're going to hear it. What are you from Minnesota? I'm from Minnesota. No, that's the other guy. You're from North Dakota. Okay, right, I got it clear again. Sorry about that.

Here's what I think. And this, to me, just kind of ties into human nature, okay? I don't know in my lifetime that I've ever seen the government shut down. Maybe it has, maybe it hasn't. I don't know. I can't remember it ever happening. Okay? I guess I could Google it or something, but to the best of my recollection, I've never heard of it happening.

So here's the thing. We go along in our merry little society, and we just, you know, just assume that the government's running things, the government's taking care of things. We need the government. The government needs us. The government handles everything. Not very effectively, as I just outlined,

but we kind of have this false sense of security that the government is like, you know, like our father figure. He's, you know, if anything goes wrong, daddy will take care of us. The government's got its big, warm, fluffy arms around us. You know, there's kind of that sense, right? You know, there's FEMA and there's the military and there's government and there's politicians

and everyone's out to take care of us and look out for us if anything goes wrong. Government's got their hands and their feet and just about everything. So everyone goes along in their life over the last, you know, how many ever decades. and it's just a given. You're born into a world where the government is there. The government takes care of us. The government's watching. The government's providing.

The government's securing, all these things. And so we just assume that like oxygen, like cars, like electricity, like all the things we need to survive, we need the government. That's just the way it is. democratic society. It's America. We need the government. We need all these politicians. We need all these institutions. We need all this regimented stuff to keep us flowing as a functioning society.

So here's where I think the government's underestimating people and human nature, and especially underestimating a society that's completely dissatisfied with their dysfunctional workings of our government. I'm predicting that the government shuts down and there will be a sect. I don't know how big it'll be. It might be everybody. It might be half.

It might be 200,000 people. I don't know. But I predict there's going to be a sect of people within our borders, within our society, within our government, where they go. go, hey, government shut down.

And you know what? I'm still getting up in the morning and putting my pants on and tying my shoelaces. I'm still scrambling my eggs. I'm still driving around. I'm still going to work. I guess if you're a government worker, maybe you're not, but, you know, everyone else is probably doing their thing. And I'm wondering if the government's playing a real deadly game here

where a bunch of people, and they could be very smart people, might go, wait a minute, I don't really feel the difference. In fact, this kind of feels good not having the government breathing down my neck, knocking on my door, looking for my taxes, looking for my driver's license, looking for my property tax, looking for this, looking for that. I think maybe we can do this life that we're living without the government. And so the government's up there dilly-dallying and doing dick all and acting like a bunch of kids in a schoolyard stomping their feet

and they're not getting their way and blah, blah, blah. So they're not, we're going to close it down. Nobody's going to have government. We're not going to talk to each other. And don't sit there and blame it on the Democrats or the Republicans. Republicans. It's both of them, man. Okay? It's both. You can sit here on your ego and your party lines. Oh, no, it's not, Arland. It's not. It's only these guys. It's not.

It takes two. You ever been in a fight with your wife or your girlfriend or your husband or your boyfriend? They can't fight alone. It takes two. So there's stuff going on. There's no back and forth. there nobody wants to give it's a stubborn ass standoff government shuts down and so my theory is the danger they overlooked is there might be people out there that like it and start to realize maybe we don't need it and maybe they become rebellious and maybe there is the beginnings of a revolution you ever hear the the term chink in the armor hole in the boat, crack in the foundation, those terms?

Yeah, well, this to me is like a chink in the armor. This is a, maybe not even a hairline crack. This could be a gap in the foundation. This could be the type of fodder that some guy with a brain in his head or a maniac like Hitler seizes on the opportunity and starts to. to go, what have I been programmed into? What was I born into? I was born and I just believed that the government was this all-encompassing, all-caring, all-giving

entity, just like all the other sheep walking around in the streets? What if there's someone out there going, this whole thing's a ruse? Government shut down and you know what? nobody dropped dead sure a few people are out of work a few people aren't getting their their social services checks or whatever they're called

but looks like everyone else is still motoring along and what if there's guys that kind of dig on the side of chaos what if there is a guy like another Hitler or a Stalin or a Saddam Hussein or somebody who's like an opportunist

like the way a wolf or a coyote or a lion or a hyena they're predators and they're opportunists they wait for the week. They wait for a zebra to stumble. They wait for a zebra or a gazelle or a wildebeest to make a misstep and they come flying out of the weeds,

they come flying out of the underbrush, and they grab them by the neck and drag them down and kill them. And so part of me wonders if the idiotic government has maybe made a big mistake and open up the imagination of some radical people out there that are like, hey, this government that we elected, this government body that controls every aspect of our lives,

is gone, and it feels good. Oh, it feels good. They think we're at home biting our fingernails and going, oh, I hope the government gets back together. Oh, my goodness. Oh, what am I going to do? Oh, my God, there's no government. Oh, oh, oh.

But you know, man, there's probably a bunch of guys right now having a meeting in a bunker somewhere. Okay, this government thing, uh, it started, guys. They showed us the light, man. We don't need this crap. It stopped and, uh, I feel good. I got my, my juices going, man. The animal is wounded. Let's hunt it down and finish it off, man.

And if you think I'm just like being an idiot, just remember the country we live in. Where people are opinionated, people want power, people want money, people are violent. People take what they want a lot of the times, and they don't care about other people. I'm not saying everyone's like that, but there's people out there that will roll over you. And should the government fall asleep? Should all the government agencies, the CIA, the FBI, the National Guard, the military, the police, should they be away for too long? Who's going to come in and fill in the void? Who's going to start the wheels turning?

Who's going to start the revolution? Did you think the United States of America was just going to be the way it is? today for the next eight million years? Maybe. Maybe it will be. But look at your history, man. Look at Rome. Look at Egypt.

Look at the United States. Does anyone remember the Civil War? Things were one way and suddenly a bunch of radicals got together and things went another way. Hopefully, thankfully, in that situation, it was for the good. We ended slavery, but things changed, man. And why do things change? Because people drop their guard, maybe.

I don't know. There's a chink in the armor. There's a crack in the foundation. There is a zebra with a snapped tendon limping through the tinder grass. Will the golden eyes of the mighty lion watch it, struggle down the dusty trail? Wow. So there's my theory about that, my friend, from North Dakota.

Watch what you do, government, because who knows what kind of result you get in today's crazy, unpredictable world. Who knows? if there's some lions watching peering through the grass and planning their strategy and the hunt begins okay so lots of comedy there thanks for uh thanks for that phone call hope i made you laugh people are like jumping out the windows people are building bunkers what the hell's he talk what the hell we're moving to

Cuba. I'm just presenting the possibilities, ladies and gentlemen. Well, these guys are up there thinking, oh, they've got all this power, and they're holding everything up. They might get the wrong result in the end. And this is how it begins. So I hope that answers your question. I know there weren't a lot of laughs in there,

but you got my mind going, buddy. You got me stimulated. You got me thinking about what happens. happens when the government shuts down. My hope is that the government shuts down, which it already has, takes a good long look at itself and goes, what are we doing? We're morons.

We're a bunch of immature kids. Let's get back to work representing the people. Let's get back to doing good work. Let's get back to be doing sincere work. Work with integrity. Let's stop worrying about the next election. but it ain't going to happen all the greed and the lust for power and the money could be chink in the armor so there you go that's just a little a little point of view for you there and if you're scared

I'd suggest you get in your SUV pack it full of everything you hold deer and drive your North Dakota ass to Minnesota. I'm from Minnesota. Thank you for the calls, guys. This brings us to the end of the show. Maybe with the government gone, there will be no more show.

I said it earlier, there will be, but I guess if there's no electricity, how do we listen to it? Whatever. Whatever, whatever. Kind of a fun topic, though, man. I'd like to know what you think. You might think I'm out there and kooky. It's just an idea.

It's just a thought. It's just a amusing. I'm not saying, everything I just said doesn't mean it's carved in stone, gang. But it is an interesting possibility. Let's hear what you think. You can call me and leave a message 323-739-4-3-3-3-0. or you can write me at harlolwilms.com and lay down some thoughts.

Don't be too long. Don't leave too long of a message because, you know, the government's ending. The electricity's going out. I can't listen to it. Let's do some announcements here. Don't forget to watch my new sitcom package deal. It's on Monday nights, only in Canada. Sorry, USA, Minnesota, North Dakota.

North Dakota. But across Canada from Vancouver. all the way out to the East Coast. Please check it out. It's 8.30 on Monday nights, City TV, package deal. It's me, Pamela Anderson, Eugene Levy. It's a great, great sitcom. I'm really proud of it.

Check it out. And then if you want to see me doing some live stand-up, come check me out in Pittsburgh at the Improv on October 11th to the 13th. go to harlone williams.com to get your tickets and then the comic strip in edmonton alberta october 17th to the 20th going to be a great show comic strip it's in the big mall great club uh we're going to have a blast please come out there

and then the following week october 24th to 27th or to 26 i should say i'll be at the blackfoot inn and Calgary, Alberta. So some great shows coming up. And then I'll also be in between that. I'll be in red deer doing some clubs in between. I don't have the name of the clubs, but please go to my website, harlemwilms.com,

and you'll see the names of the clubs in Red Deer, Alberta. I'll be doing those in between Calgary and Edmonton. So that'll be October like 22nd, 23rd. or 21st in there somewhere? Check it out, player. Go to the store, gang. We have a brand new shirt for sale, a brand new t-shirt at harloweems.com.

It is a blast. People are loving this new shirt I've got in there. It's basically a profanity shirt. Here's how it works. It's a bunch of random letters, two rows of random letters, one at the top, one at the bottom. It means nothing.

But when people ask you, hey, what's your shirt say? You grab the bottom letters. You grab the fabric of your shirt and you fold it up to the top letters. And pardon my French, but it spells the words, fuck off. So basically, someone says, hey, what's your shirt say? You go, let me show you. Fuck off.

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get your magic fuck off shirt at harlan williams dot com please subscribe to my youtube page you can subscribe there at harlem williams dot com putting out all kinds of funny videos all the time on there um you will be notified if you subscribe to the chance channel, and you can be part of the crazy Harlem Williams video world on YouTube, and tell your friends about the Harlan Highway. We've been talking way too long. It's time to wrap it up. Until next time, my friends, thank you for being here. And as always, chicken show me, baby. I'm from Minnesota. Thank you.