The Harland Highway - pod299

Episode Date: July 25, 2011

Pet funerals, stuff in your eye, Angelina adopts, adult kids, pink eye. Just butter it!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay, that's right. Okay, here we are. Hey, welcome, everybody. You are on the Holland Highway. It's me, Harlem Williams. Why am I talking like that? I don't know. I don't know why I was talking like that. Um, but that doesn't matter because we're all here in the same room, on the same highway. It's the Harland Highway. I'm Harlan Williams. And welcome. Today we are going to be talking about pink eye. Yeah. You ever have pink eye? Let's talk about it. How about have you ever got stuff in your eye?

Isn't that fun? We're going to be going over that little adventure. Angelina Jolie adopted again. Let's get into it. What the hell is she doing? And how about this? This is creepy. I'm going to talk about a type of kid.

A type of kid that creeps me out. Yeah. I think you might have seen them out there in the world. And, uh, uh, pet funerals. We'll be chatting about that when you're, when your doggy or kitty pest is on. I know. Sad way to start the show.

But it'll get happier and funnier because it is. The Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth.

What a treat. Oh, wait, was you great good fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. And it's Stephanie from Denver. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there.

Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Who did the droppings in the kitty litter box? Yes, pet funerals. it's a sad time when our doggy or our kitty dies but you know that some people really take it to an extreme yeah some people have funerals for their pets

is that a bit odd dressing them up putting them in a little wooden box dropping them into the ground shoveling dirt over the casket everybody's standing around weeping I don't know some people even get their dogs and their cats taxidermied they get them stuffed

have Fluffy sitting in the living room staring at them while they watch TV Oh there's a good boy You sit nice and quiet Well mommy watches Wheel of Fortune What's that Fluffy You'd rather watch the prices right? Hey, little fella.

I mean, what are you supposed to do when you go over to those homes? Oh, I see you got a pet. Here, you throw a frisbee. Pets just sitting there and sitting there and sitting there. And sitting there. Then you go up and kick it in the ass. Come on, go get the frisbee, you lazy brat. Thing flops over on its side.

Clunk. Uh, hey, Jim, your, uh, your dog, it's, uh, was it in the freezer, man? Because it's, uh, frozen. Uh, no, man, he's dead. He's dead? Yeah, I had him stuffed, man. It's taxidermied. Oh, great. Okay, so when I was petting him, like an hour ago and all those clumps of hair came out, that would... Yeah, it's because he's dead, man. You're petting a dead dog, you doorknob. Thanks, Jim.

I'm just going to go outside and get that frisbee, okay? Okay, man, come on back. Yeah, okay, Stephen King. I'll be right back to the Pet Cemetery. Thanks. And speaking of creepy and kind of out of place, I think we've all experienced this. It's a little odd.

It's a little uncomfortable, but you've all seen it. Have you ever seen the kid? Okay, when I say a kid I mean like the 5 year old Or the 9 year old or the 11 year old kid Could be a boy, could be a girl And for whatever reason They've got the face

Or the head of like a 45 year old You know what I'm talking about? They're just they look older beyond their years And I'm not talking about that disease where you know you age you know there's some disease where children can age like you know they they're like wrinkly by the time they're like 13 they're like Benjamin buttons no this is a normal kid with baby skin but they've got that face they've got the eyes they've got the hair do and you do a double take when you look at them you see them at an airport or at a mall or at a carnal

or wherever you may be riding a bus and you're looking around you're like oh there's some parents there's some kids there's a kid wait there's a full grown man wait kid man what and i'm not talking about a freaking midget i'm not talking about a like a um a freak of nature freak show kid i'm talking about a healthy kid okay are you with me a healthy kid growing up but somehow you swear the kid looks 40 they've got the bone structure they got the face it's the way their eyes are spaced it's their hairdo it's their body somehow I can't even really explain it but I think you might know what I mean it's always an oddity I've seen you know over the years you see it here and there

and you're just like God look at that four year old kid I know exactly what they're going to look like when they're 40 because they're already there and they're going to grow up and you know all of us kind of have a metamorphosis as we grow up from

when we're a kid we get a little button nose and the crooked teeth and our hairs the way it is and we kind of grow when things shift and changed, but then every now and again, you see one of these weird, wacky kids where every facial feature that they're going to have at 45, they've already got locked in. And you see them doing all the kids stuff. They're holding their parents' hand.

They're wearing the Winnie the Pooh kids' clothes. You know, they're hanging on to Daddy's leg because they're nervous in the crowd, but you look at their friggin' face and you go, kid, The gig's up, pull out your briefcase, you know, whip out your laptop, go to a power meeting, begin your real estate seminar, whatever it is you're going to do, Professor. Just get going. You're like a man kid. You're like a full-grown woman girl.

I hope you know what I'm talking about, because if I'm the only one who's seen this, I'm going to be really freaked out, okay? But these kids, these kids slash adults, are bizarre to me. They always freak me out. I can't stop staring at them. And I'm just throwing it out there. I don't know if you've seen any. Maybe you can write me at harlomwilliams.com or call me 888, 52090.

But they're out there, man. Maybe they're invaders. Maybe they're, who knows what they are. Whatever these kids are, don't ask them to go cut the grass. Don't ask them to collect the garbage. Don't ask them to go play in the sandbox. Ask them to do your taxes. Ask them to, you know, drive you to the airport and drop you off.

Ask them to, you know, run for office. Do something. These men kids. do something grown-up because you look like a grown-up. I'm going to go take a relaxant. I'm going to take a bottle of Xanaxil or something. I just made it up, but I'm getting all...

I'm getting goosebumps thinking of the adult kid freaks. It's like that old movie, Children of the Damned. Where the blonde-wigged children with the red eyes took over a village. I can just see me getting lost out in the country one day, and I pull off into a little country town, and it's them.

It's the adult kids. Ugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Beware these children behind their fiery hypnotic eyes lurk the demon forces of another world. Ah!

It's them or us, for these are the children of the damned. Children of the Dam. Children of the Dam. I think they are the cells of man. At once, maybe a million years. Could they actually be creatures from other planets? creatures from other planets, centuries beyond us scientifically, invading here disguised as children,

there's Paul from England, Nina from Russia, Rashid from India, Me Ling from China, Agu from Nigeria, and Mark from America. Who are they really? They're not kids!

Have you ever seen them laugh, run, play? No, by God, but you've seen them kill. Theirs is the power of evil, turning friend against friend, hating, killing, yet armed with no weapon you can see or touch. Unless we can learn to live with them, we may cease to live at all. Can any force on earth stop their fury? At this very moment, they could be making all those men out there turn their guns on one another. for these are the children of the dam

Yeah, this is Cam Monroe from Morrow Bay, California. That's Camine Rope. I'll call you regarding the 7-11 sunglasses. Don't do it. They're not UV-protected, and you'll burn your eyes out. And because of those 7-11 sunglasses, I went on top of the hill, and I can't see, God damn it. And you'll have to go to the eye doctor

and bring all your glasses and your shoes with you. Don't do it. This is Tam and Roe. Love your show. Well, you heard it, folks. You heard it from, wait, who was that again? This is Tam & Roe. I'm sorry.

Could you say that a little clear on not getting it? Just slow it down. Who is it? That's Tam in Roak. Tam in Roak. Okay, from where again? Tamin Roque from Morrow Bay, California. Okay.

Thank you, Tammin Roak. I don't know if that's a three-part name or a two-part name. I've never heard it before. Great name. Tammin Roak. That's got to be a dish at a fancy restaurant, too. Yeah, wait, and give me the Taman Roke. Yeah, we all out funny guy.

You order cheeseburger. Um, you know, I did a thing about, uh, expensive sunglasses the other week. I said, you know, people buy a $900 sunglasses. Screw it. Go buy a $9 pair at, uh, 7-Eleven. Well, big mistake, Tam and Roke from, uh, from Moro Bay, California says, don't do it. Uh, you'll burn your eyes out. And if you burn your eyes out, you'll look like one of the children. of the damned, okay? And you'll have to go to your doctor with your shoes and your eyes. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy.

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shamorock, shamrock, shamrock, Shamrock. Shamrock shake. Hi, my name's Kringy McRingles. Did someone mention a shamrock shake? Florkty, darky, slarkty, darky, forked. Oh, God.

No, I was trying to pronounce a guy's name. Well, it sounded like you said. Shamrock shake. Shiver me timbers. Clarkty, darky, florty. Don't get out of here. Go buy a pair of green leprechaun glasses and burn your eyes out. Up yours, me timbers, slugty dockty, flurkey glugs, slurk it out.

Ew. You ever get pink eye, man? That infection of the eye where your eye goes all big and pink. Looks like you've been snorting heroin. You look like Coojo, man. You look like that big St. Bernard with the rabies. Your eyelids are all pink and gooey and the whiter eye is all red. Oh, it's called Pink Eye, man.

Well, no kidding, man. Pink eye. Yeah, what colors my eye? It's pink. Could you be more obvious? Could you be more gross? I think there's another name for it. I think it's like conjunctivitis or something like that.

But that sounds like a train station in Switzerland, doesn't it? Yeah, could you tell me how to get the Convunctiitis? Yeah, you just go over the mountain and through the valley. It's right there. You can't miss it. Thank you. I'll see you in conjunctavitis. So people just call it pink eye.

You don't call other ailments what they are so blatantly, you know? If the guy has hemorrhoids, you call them hemorrhoids, you don't go. How are your ass bumps? How are your bum grapes? Oh, I see you broke your leg. How is your snapped femur? It's just a broken leg. No, it's a snapped femur, and you've got pink eye, and you've got bum grapes.

Does it have to be so graphic? Instead of, how's your runny nose? How's your snotty nostril? Uh, it's just a runny nose. No, it's a snotty nostril. Well, at least it's better than my bum grapes. Harlan Williams on 103.5 The Fox. Yeah, the eye.

Oh, what sucks is when you get something in your eye, too. you ever have that moment you're just walking down the street and all of a sudden out of nowhere like a kamikaze fruit fly or a mosquito or something just flying through the air is like you know what that shiny round thing down there looks interesting all of a sudden you go from like just walking normally looking around and you have one of those like spasms right your hand comes up you're like and your eye starts flapping and all of a sudden there's like a living creature and suddenly your eye became like a spider web or like fly paper the stupid bug landed on it and can't get off your eye juice and you're freaking you go into panic mode your eyes like flapping up and

And you're like, oh, oh, my God, oh, my God. Everything just freezes no matter what you're doing. The world just stops, man. You don't think about your family, your friends, your finances, nothing. All you think about is there's a foreign object in my eye. And you kind of do that thing where you roll your eye, where your eye you start kind of like looking up into the back of your skull or up towards the heavens. You roll your eye up and you're like,

And you're afraid to blink, but you can't not blink because there's that thing. There's like a fruit fly in your eye, so it's irritating your eye and it's triggering the blinking mechanism. And you've got to feel for the fly in your eye, man. That's like getting caught in a garage door, right? He's just there sitting on your eyes like, Stop the torture. Well, you flew in my eye, dumb ass. And then here's another one that happens to the guys,

unless you're a hairy girl. You know, there are some girls with the hair on the face. But for guys, I don't know if you've ever trimmed your beard with a pair of scissors. Right? You were out somewhere and you didn't have a razor. or your razor broke, or you had to do like an emergency trim or something like that. So you trim your mustache or your beard,

you just like, you know, run down to the lobby of the hotel and ask for scissors or you go buy a pair of scissors or whatever. And when you do that method, what happens is sometimes the little pieces of whisker that you cut go flying upwards. Because, you know, those hands are, hairs are very, uh, they're a lot more, uh, rigid. They're a lot, uh, denser than like the hair on your head.

So when you cut them, they kind of boing, be it, boom, boing, bea, and very often they'll pop right up and go right in your eye. And that's a bummer, because that's like nothing worse than a little piece of beard in your eye. Hey man, what's that in your eye? Oh, it's my mustache. Well, shouldn't you be growing that under your nose? Yeah, but, you know, it's, it's the 90s.

No, it's not. It's the 21st century. I know, but I'm doing the, I'm different. I, mustache eye. Okay, how about a dumb ass head? Well, that too, you know. But you get that now. That one's a toughie to get out.

Some things are easier to get out than other things. like a fly usually or a piece of sand the more you blink the more the foreign object goes on a little journey the more you blink it kind of gravitates towards the corner of your eye and eventually you can like reach in there in the corner you know where the nuggets are in the morning

those golden golden nuggets there's gold in them their eyes he he ha ha ha but with the beard in the eye or the mustache in the eye, which I think could be considered a new sexual position. Hey, baby. You want to do the mustache in the eye tonight? Oh, you know I do, player.

Okay, get the scissors. What? Um, but, uh, that, that little piece of whisker in the eye is a toughy to get out, man. that one doesn't want to go on the little journey that one doesn't want to go whitewater raft into the corner of your eye it kind of lingers and like flies and most debris sometimes the juice in your eye

god that sounds gross may I take your order please yes I'll have a large glass of eye juice please excellent let me bend down here there you go would you like ice with that no i'll drink it straight up thank you looks delicious did i mention i have pink eye oh i think we'll just have a v8 um but the old uh the old uh whisker doesn't dissolve quite as easily so usually what happens is you're walking around like all day kind of you know eventually

it settles in but you know it's there so it's like an irritant and every now and all then your blanket is like come on move along move it's like when you get water in your ear. And you have to jump up and down on the opposite foot and tilt your head. And you look like one of those dancers from the Charlie Brown cartoons. Da-da-de-da-de-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dun. So there you go. Maybe wear glasses, maybe put band-aids over your eyes, duct tape, masking tape, you know, get some of those ding-dong from the 7-Eleven, those chocolate round ding-dongs, they look like hockey pox, tape those on your eyes.

Just keep your eyes safe. And keep your mind safe and get the hell away from this stupid podcast. No, wait, wait, what am I saying? I didn't mean that. But I do mean this. Angelina Jolie has done it again. She's adopted another kid from another person. part of the world. Yes, you've got to give her kudos for taking in these children in need,

these impoverished kids, these kids from third world countries. But do you get the impression that Angelina Jolie's like going for the collector's edition set? You know what I mean? You know how some people collect funny plates with a picture of John Wayne on it and a picture of the Queen of England. Picture of Lady Dye. You know those special plates. They go for the whole collection, or they want...

They want all the characters from the Whitty the Pooh series, so they've got Eeyore and Christopher Robin and Piglet. Oh, I just need Tigger, and I've got the whole Pooh collection. Sometimes I wonder, is Angelina Jolie

collecting a kid from every country in the world? Is that her master plan? Oh, I just need an Australian, a Norwegian, a Canadian, and a kid from Bermuda. And I've got the whole collection. And the International House of Pancakes adoption winner. I seriously think she's going for the whole set. She's like collecting hockey cards. I got to get them all.

I need the card from every player on every team. Maybe she could start her own little world. be like that It's a small world after all It's a small Small world She could make that ride in her backyard But have all her children

Stand in a tunnel She could float by on a dingy Come on children Sing for mommy It's a small world After all It's a small world Mommy we're scared

It's dark Shut up and sing you little brat It's a small Small world Maybe I'll go out and adopt a bunch of kids open an eye-hop. Waiter, where's my pancakes from Korea? Hang on, let me get Ling Chow Wan to bring those over. Thank you, waiter.

The Harland Highway. Ah, yes, Angie and her adoptions. You know what I'd like to see Angelina Jolie adopt? You ever been driving down the highway? And you see those signs, they say adopt a highway. right I want Angelina Jolie to adopt a highway I wanted to adopt a highway and near my place and I want to drive up and down that highway all day

I want this highway to have tunnels okay I want there to be tunnels and I want to drive down the Angelina Jolie highway and drive in and out of those tunnels. I'm driving down the Angelina Jolie Highway. I'm going in and out of Angelina Jolie's tunnels. Okay. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, Williams. It's a small world. That got a little carried away, an aggressive and second.

And so I'm probably going to hear from my boss, Mr. Featherstone, and I'm probably going to have to go in for some type of, you know, counseling now, some kind of sensitivity classes. But it's not my fault. Angelina Jolie is the one that adopts everything. So there you go. Now, let's get down to business here because we have just come through the tunnel on the Harland Highway. Forget the Angelina Jolie Highway.

We are at the end of the Harland Highway for today. Sad, boo-hoo. But we had a fun show. It's not sad. We had some laughs, some giggles, some jocularities. Um, so here's, uh, the deal. Uh, if you want to write me, it's harlom williams.com. If you want to, uh, leave a phone message, 888, 52090.

Um, please don't leave rambling messages. Getting a number of just rambling messages that don't lead anywhere. I can't air them because they're, uh, you know, they don't, uh, correspond with anything I'm talking about. So, you know, know what you want to say, leave a message, keep it short. Please no long rambling messages. And, you know, that way I can get them on the air. If they're short, they're concise, you make a point, you make a joke, you tell a quick little funny story.

Love it. Outside of that, if you want to ramble on, you know, just come. call up a friend and go have a tea party. Don't forget at the harlough williams.com store where you can pick up your own favorite merchandise. And that's it, man. We are done for today. So until next time, everybody,

I'm going to go and adopt a big juicy bowl of chicken chau-main, babe. This is Tam and Roe. That's Cam and Roe. For these are the children of the dam. Dam and Roe for Moro Bay, California.