The Harland Highway - PODACAST 146

Episode Date: August 2, 2010

Soccer blows, going to the dentist, caught in the act. Blundering blumber balls!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, running over the same old podcast. What do you? Okay, no, we're not fish, we're humans, and we are listening to a podcast, but we're not running over the same old podcast. This is an all-new podcast, and today, I hope you're not a fan of soccer because I am about to rip it apart. I'm finally finished processing all my thoughts on World Cup soccer, which passed recently, and I am not a fan. I'm sorry, you're going to hear all about it. Whether you like the game or don't like the game,

it might be worth your while to hear what I have to say about it. Then, you know, something else I don't really like. Going to the dentist. When was the last time you went to the dentist? Gingervitis face. Hello. We're going to be talking about that And then we're going to be talking about

Have you ever been caught in the act Doing something? Something inappropriate, something naughty, something illegal, Something dangerous? Whether you think you have or you haven't, I'm here to inform you that, in fact, you have. And in fact, you're doing it right now.

It's dirty. It's naughty. It's inappropriate. And it's dangerous. And you're listening. To the Harland Highway! I want to be your H-A-R-L-A-N-D, because you're the only girl that I want to see. I want to be your H-A-R-L-A-N-D.

I want to go out with you to the movie show and to the horseshoe tavern, you'll love it, I know. I want to be your H-A-R-L-A-N-D. Williams, millions. $100 is a lot to pay for a pencil, unless the pencil comes from Marlon will know. I've got the sideburns, I've got the chin Come on, baby, pretty baby, let me in Oh, thank you I've got the sideburns, I've got the chin

Come on baby, pretty baby, let me in Whoa Don't you hate it when you're gone And a hot dog flies into your mouth Oh, yeah, because I want to be A-J-R-L-A-N-D Oh, Lord, love us. Nothing like kicking a podcast off

with the Harlan song, right? Welcome to the Harland Highway. Like the way I kind of do it as a giant. I do my voice as a giant. Hey, man. like Michael Clark Duncan from the Green Mile. Hey, man, the Holland Highway Podcast, man. I actually bumped into Michael the other day.

Remember the big giant black guy from the Green Mile nominated for an Oscar? And I got the good fortune to do a movie with them called The Whole Nine Yards. And, you know, every now and then I bump into Michael. And we had such a fun time in Montreal together shooting. the whole nine yards that whenever we see each other, we just start cracking up and laughing. He's like a big teddy bear that guy, but don't mistake his size, okay? Every time I see him, I walk up to him like, hey, I always do his voice. He go, hey, Michael, man, this Holland man.

I can't go as deep as him, but I always reach up about eight feet and pat him on the shoulder. My God, it's just like hitting a wall. The guy's just a solid rock of a wall of a guy. But just kind of the friendliest, nicest guy you ever see. So maybe that's why I do deep voices to remind me of good old Michael Clark Duncan. But let's get right into the show here. Why am I spinning my wheels talking about the Green Mile and Michael MCD, Michael Clark Duncan?

Let's get on to something that's been irritated. me WCC. Can you figure it out? Okay, it happened just recently, like, I don't know, a month ago, maybe a month and a half ago, the world. It's not even WCC. It's WCS. There we go. World Cup Soccer. I'm so fired up about it that I can't even get the letters right. But I don't think they can get that game right. Okay. I was looking at some old footage. replayed some of the World Cup soccer and I remember thinking back about how angry I was

and here's what I'm angry about that game and I might lose a lot of fans here. I might lose a lot of listeners but I don't care. I got to say what's on my mind. That's what the podcast is all about. Soccer as a professional sport blows.

Listen to this noise. That's the wind blowing. Soccer blows. Okay, I'm sorry, man. I don't know if you watched that final game between Spain and the Netherlands. I mean, that thing went for an hour and a half, okay? And this is true. You go back and check the stats if you don't believe me. I think there was a total in that game of maybe four or five shots on net

between the two teams and an hour and a half. and I'm talking about legitimate shots during the pace of the game. I'm not talking about the penalty shots, okay? And I'll get into the penalty shot thing in a second. So between the two teams, I think there was five, six shots on net for an hour and a half. Wow. Okay? I think three of those shots actually interacted with the goalie, and the other ones went wide.

and now let me get to the penalty shots if you trip a guy or touch his ankle or a beat of your sweat hits the opposing player or you breathe on them or you look at him the right way the referee in the little powder blue shirt holds up a little yellow card like he's waving for a taxi and he awards the uh the opposing team a penalty kick okay so that in itself is ridiculous to me. I could see if a guy's on a breakaway and he gets pulled down. Okay, but you know what? You're in a sport where there's like 24 guys on the field or whatever. There's going to be physical contact, okay? But have you seen these soccer players or should I call them acting students?

I mean, these guys, what are they made out of like porcelain or balsa wood or crystal? It's like the second they got touched They're like They're down on the ground And if you watch it in slow motion On the way to the ground The range of emotions Their faces go through

It's like Their mouths are open And their eyes are squinting And they're screaming like little babies Oh my God Man up Have you ever watched hockey Have you ever watched football

These guys get slats slam to 300 miles an hour all over their whole bodies, their backs, their shoulders, their faces, their arms, their knees. These guys get their toe stepped on or their ankle clipped. And they're flying through the air, screaming like little girls. They land on the ground. They're rolling around. God, it pisses me off.

What a bunch of wussies, man. I used to play soccer. I got kicked all the time. know what you do? You just keep going. You chase the ball, man. You try and persevere and work through the pain like any other sport. You don't roll on the ground and look for an Academy Award. And the Oscar goes to Vanzuela Cucalanga for best tripping and best Achilles tendon wound rolling on the ground makes me sick man and yeah i get it these guys are doing it to try and pull a penalty and that's the other fault with that game it's like you know what if you do that in hockey

if you put on the drama and you you you over exaggerate a hit or you uh you uh you act out that you're hurt or you over dramatize getting slammed to the ground you get a penalty for that for your bad acting or your it's delay of game these guys in the soccer god unbelievable then they're rolling around on the ground and then they get that penalty kick okay now here's my next thing all right here's the penalty kick where they stop the game they give the little big baby that got his leg kicked a chance to kick the ball free and clear at the net he's got like a little wall of the opposing team standing in front of him but he gets a free shot at the net and by the way can i just mention that the soccer net is probably the biggest net in the world of sports okay picture

your garage door and then quadruple it okay i think the net's like 80 feet wide and like 12 feet high. It's huge. It's like if you're standing in a field and you were like 50 feet from a barn and someone said throw a rock at the side of this barn and you missed the barn. Wouldn't you be a retard at that point?

So here's what happened in the championship World Cup game and again check the stats out of all the penalty kicks and I believe there was about 20 of them between 15 and 20 I would guess I'm not sure that one of them made it to the net I think every single one of them went wide

and these are guys standing in front of that professional top of the field cream of the crop made it to the finals World Cup soccer players and not one of these babies could hit the net. It's pathetic.

I'm just like, are you kidding me? This has got to be a joke. How do you not hit the biggest net in the world with the biggest ball in the world? I just couldn't believe it, man. Okay? So then these guys are running around, nobody's scoring, nobody's shooting on the net. I'm trying not to fall asleep. The only thing keeping me awake are those ridiculous horns that they're

allowed to blow in the stands. Right? Did you hear those plastic horns? Can you imagine being at a stadium with 80,000 people? I would rather shove my head in a beehive the way Winnie the Pooh did. Oh my God, you can barely watch the game. It's so annoying. right so you got that going on and then here's what really gets me okay then these guys

the soccer players here's here's a move that i'll never understand okay they get all the way down to the opposing teams they work the ball down the field they get all the way down to the opposing team's goal they're all position in front of the net and then the soccer players start kicking it backwards and they kick it backwards and they kick it backwards to their own teammates all the way through the pecking order right back to their own goalie and i'm like wait a minute you were in front of the other team's net like 15 of you you start kicking it backwards and backwards and the only shot taken is on your own goalie at the other end the hell kind of sport is that where you go backwards

god irritating man and then finally Finally, finally, finally, with like three minutes left in the game, you know, somebody gets a penalty. And I guess it's not like other sports, like hockey, where you get a penalty for two minutes. It's like if your teammate gets a penalty, if the team's like amassed like, you know, 14 of those little yellow cards, if you get 15, one of your teammates has pulled off the field for the, the rest of the game. So with 20 minutes to go, they pulled off one of the players and the Netherlands team was at a disadvantage of one player for like 20 minutes.

What the hell kind of rule is that? Gee, I wonder who's going to win this game with the odds stacked against them like that. All right, a two-minute penalty, fine, but what? What 20 minutes? The rest of the game? So like I said, with like three minutes left, the Spanish team finally scores after an half hour of overtime. I think it was like the sick shot of the whole game.

And they go nuts and that's it and it's over. They win the World Cup, which, by the way, is one of the most sickly looking trophies I've ever seen. It looks almost like a chicken leg from KFC or, something it's like this little stubby golden thing looks like there's a ball on it and some feathers and it's not even attractive looking uh cop man i mean for the world cup have the world cup that's it and i don't even think it's a cup it's like it's like it's not like the stanley cup which is actually a cop it's like it looks like a something feathers some severed like turkey wings with

some with a ball on top of it i don't know what it is. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I don't know. Maybe I didn't see it right. Maybe it is a cup. I don't know, but I got to tell you.

It's not very big. You know, it looks like a little, looks like a fat Oscar. You know, you know that guy in the Oscar who's really cut and he's got the chiseled chest and he's holding the sword and he's got the jaw, that hard jaw line and the pecks and the abs. And I don't know, somehow the World Cup just looks like a fat out of shape Oscar. Same color, gold, but it just looks kind of blobby or something. thing. I probably lost about half my odds.

You're an ass, man. I love soccer. I love the World Cup. And how about this, that they don't use video replay in World Cup soccer? It's not like it's a local game for a high school banner

or anything like that. It's on the world stage. The whole world's participating. The only other sport that does that is the Olympics. okay they even use video for the olympics and that's older than soccer thank you very much it's much older so why aren't they using uh video replay in soccer do you know many big mistakes were made do you many teams got jipped or had the rhythm thrown out a whack or had the momentum shift because uh some dillwe didn't want to use the video playback

in such an important competition as World Cup soccer. And then lastly, they redesigned the soccer ball. So it doesn't even look like a soccer ball. I mean, soccer is identified by that black and white checkered ball. That's kind of the symbol of soccer. Just the way a baseball is identified by a cork ball with the white and the seams and a bowling ball is identified by the three holes, and a football is identified by the pigskin

and the seam up the top. And, you know, what if the NFLers started playing with like a pink football with frills on it? Or they made hockey pucks, you know, out of marble or something. And they had a light in them or something. I mean, why would you go in all? or the soccer ball. That's the identity of that sport.

So whether you're a fan of soccer or you're not, I know I've been rambling for like, what, 10 minutes now? Probably longer. Most of you have probably turned it off. It's like, I don't care. I don't care about soccer. I don't care about your opinion. But I guess I'm riled up about it, man.

And it's, you know, soccer needs to change something. needs to happen and people are like well it's got no commercials you know it just goes for like an hour and a half no commercials you know what maybe it needs the commercials maybe it need to take a little break and come back to it and build the tension you know just watching it go and go and go and go is kind of to be honest it's boring it's kind of fun when you get a little break and you get to think about what's happening and then come back to it you know I don't know. That's my rant. Hopefully you're man enough to take my criticism.

I know there's people out there that'll say I'm a nut and it's, you know, soccer's great. I don't know. I hope you're man enough to admit that maybe some of the rules need to change in that game, you know? The reason I'm pointing this stuff out is to maybe make it a better game. You're like, what do you know, man? Well, I might not be right, but maybe I am, you know. You can always tweak things. You can always make things a little better. So maybe all those negatives I pointed out can be looked at, addressed,

and you can help develop a better, spicier game with less BS and better rules. Because I tried to like it, man, and I just, ugh, it blows. It's my final statement, Your Honor. It blows. soccer blows. Oh my God. I hate going to the dentist. Don't you hate going to the dentist?

How often you go? Once a year, four times a year, once every decade, once every millennium, once every time Haley's comments. Passes our planet that type of thing. Yeah. Oh, I do not like going to the dentist. And here's a, you ever have them take x-rays of your teeth? Okay, yeah, they take x-rays of your teeth. And here's what I don't like. Okay, the nurse comes in, shoves this plate in your mouth, okay? Here, bite down on this. Yeah, gentle, gentle. Yeah, there's cutting my lips open. Yeah, just bite down gently. Yeah, but it's ripping the roof of my mouth. Yeah, just gently.

That's it. Okay, you get this thing in your mouth and then they put a lead apron on you. Okay, they put a bib on you made out of lead and I'm like, what, are we about to eat a nuclear lobster here? What's with the bib full of lead?

Oh, it's for the x-rays. Okay. Take an x-ray. Oh, I will, but I'll I'm going to run into the next room. Will I do it? What? Where are you going?

I'm going in the next room. I love that, huh? Well, they take the x-rays. They run out of the room and leave you there with the gamma rays, man. I'm just waiting to turn into the incredible Hulk. She comes back in, and I'm in ripped purple pants, my shirt's off, my skin's green, my hair's green. I'm like, ah, hulk not like to floss. Hulk got cavity.

Hulk smash. Dental equipment. Ah, puny humans. Buh, go back to dental school. Hulk. Bha, Hulk not like teeth. I don't know, man. What are they leaving me in the radiation room with the x-rays? And they're like in the next room,

stirring a cup of tea or having a Starbucks, man. I just don't like it. Next time I want my teeth x-rayed, I'm just going to lay down on the belt at the airport when I'm going through security. They can x-ray my whole body for free, and I'll just hand that to them next time I go to the dentist. Here, here's my teeth, my spine, my pelvis, my legs, my feet. See if I got a cavity anywhere. And fill it, dentist. Ar! Hulk!

Smash! Oh, man, I am like the Hulk today. It's like I'm angry guy today, right? I think it's that soccer, you know? I saw that little clip, and it reminded me that I wasted time watching that two-hour soccer game. I could have been out sun tanning or peeling shrimp. We're crawling up the side of a glass building. Something, man.

But, yeah, you ever have one of those days where you just kind of, you get in a, cranky mood and you're kind of like you're just kind of fired up about everything and you're ah nothing's going right and uh yeah I guess soccer and the dentist will do that for you um

but we're all entitled to our cranky days truth is I'm not really cranky today just a couple of topics that set me off you know the old soccer and going to the dentist what what you like going to the dentist how about this yeah I've got a dentist where they actually have a flat screen TV hanging on the wall so you can kind of be distracted while the dentist grinds in your mouth. How about this?

Next time I go to the dentist, I ask him to put on a DVD of the World Cup. So while he's like shoving needles in my face, I can watch the damn soccer game. Okay, enough. Enough of the soccer. I got to get off this topic. Come on, let's pick a new topic. Come on, right now. Get out of the soccer, Harland.

Get out of the soccer. I don't know if this is an uncomfortable topic, but you know what? It has to be talked about. How many of you out there have been caught? Yeah, I'm cringing, will I ask this? Trust me. How many of you have been caught in a compromising situation?

You know, I think all of us at some point in our life, somebody's walked in on us when we were doing something we shouldn't have. And I'm not talking about with someone else. It could be with someone else. Or it could be alone. Or it could be, you know, with a circus clown. Or it could be, you know, you doing something stupid in the kitchen. like, you know, spitting in somebody's food. I don't know.

Have you ever been caught? Think about it. Yeah, I bet you have. Maybe you were out late one night and you couldn't find a bathroom and you stopped to take a pee on a wall and somebody came around the corner and caught you. Maybe you were desperate to have a little physical contact with your girlfriend or your boyfriend and you thought, Nobody's going to come down into the basement. Nobody ever comes down here. Busted.

Right? Or you're out behind the house, or you're in the back of the car. You ever have a cop show up? You're having a little fun in the car. Knock, knock, knock. Woo! Whip! Hello, officer. Licensed registration, please.

I can't reach you right now. I'm kind of contorted. I understand. Carry on. I'll be back in 30 seconds. 30 seconds, right. Yeah, we've all done some sneaky things behind closed doors. But sometimes you're just not sneaky enough and you get busted. Sorry. That's okay. Well, I'm going to sneak out of here.

Hope I don't get caught here, the Harlem Highway. Wait a minute, what am I talking about? Of course I'm going to get caught. I'm doing a podcast. You're listening to me. What am I, an idiot? Yes. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. Ugh. Well, I hope you didn't get caught listening to my podcast because, you know, people like to talk. And, you know, you listen to this podcast. And, you know, who knows if it's the healthiest thing in the world for your mind. or maybe it's the most healthiest thing for your mind. I don't know. I'm Christopher Walkin.

I listen to the Holland Highway. I don't... That is the worst Christopher Walken ever. So that's why I don't do impressions in my stand-up comedy act when you come and see me this weekend at the Ice House in Pasadena in California. That's right. I said it.

I am going to be performing live this weekend doing some stand-up comedy, one of the hottest clubs in the country. This place rocks, man. You've got to come see me if you're on the West Coast, if you're anywhere near Cali, L.A., Glendale, Burbank, Pasadena, Hollywood, Watts, Inglewood. What's up? Inglewood, Long Beach, anywhere in the vicinity. Come out to Pasadena to the Ice House.

All the details are at harlandwilliams.com. You can check out the gig, get the phone number, the reservation, the showtimes. It'll be Saturday night and Friday night, August 6 and August 7th. You won't be disappointed. It's going to be a blast. And I can't wait. I can't wait to get up there and do the show. And then for those of you who can't make it down to L.A.,

I will be in San Francisco at the Herbs Theater, Saturday, September 4th. It's going to be a totally different show. You're going to get my full hour of stand-up, followed by an intermission, and then almost another full hour of sketch comedy improv with me and special guest Brian Palermo from the Groundlings. A hilarious, you know, this is the Groundlings is a place where they recruit. all the talent for a Saturday night live. Phil Hartman and Pee Wee Herman and all those people came from the groundlings. So check it out.

The Herbs Theater, Saturday, September 4th. Go to cityboxoffice.com to get tickets or information or just go to Harlan Williams.com. And that's all I got for today, folks. Hope you had a good time. You suffered through my ranting and my rambling. but I hope I made some good solid points for the betterment of the human race. Why am I talking like this?

I don't know. But, hey, great to have you here. Love having you here. And until next time, my friends, as always, chicken chow mean, baby. Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I don't know.

Thank you.