The Harland Highway - Podcast 100

Episode Date: April 19, 2010

Podcast #100, Senior Fuentes, Leather jackets, guitar lessons, pot holes, baby illness. Forest fried funbags kids!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a show we have today for you, darlings. Yes, today is a very special show, very special podcast. You'll find out why soon enough. You might know already, but it is a very special benchmark podcast. And we're going to be talking about all kinds of things. You know, we're going to be talking about it. My gardeners dropping by today, Senor Fuentes will be here. We're going to be talking about leather jackets, black leather jackets.

We're going to be talking about guitar. Do you play the guitar? Did you ever take lessons? We're going to be talking about potholes. Now that all the snow is gone, we'll be talking about the potholes. We're going to be talking about babies, all kinds of things. Okay, I'm just going to tell you. It's the 100th podcast.

We're going to be celebrating. Here we go. It's the 100th Harland Highway podcast. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely.

The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Romp Spin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hey, oh, and welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody. Great to have you here, as usual.

And today I wanted to talk to you about, hold on. Hold on. Someone's at the door. Let them in, let him in, Roger. Who is it? Okay, let them in Hey, how are you doing, man, Senor Fuentes. What are you doing here, Senor Fuentes?

That's Fuentes. I know. Yes. What are you doing here? Well, I just came to talk to you about some of the things you had me doing around the house, senor. Yes, I know. You're my gardener. I have you, you know, do the landscaping, and sometimes you ask me to fix things, right? Yes, sometimes I ask you to do maintenance. What are you doing here? I'm in the middle of a show. Well, I have a little bad news, signor. Oh, boy. What happened this time?

Well, you know how you told me to do. Do you paint that stool you have? Yeah, the stool I have out by the bird bath? See, senor, I painted your stool. Okay, and? Well, I was painting your stool, signor. I cut my hand on a splinter. Oh, my goodness.

Are you okay? Yes, signor, but I am afraid I got blood everywhere. Oh, did you get a band-aid? Yes, but not in time, signor. I'm afraid to tell you there's blood. on your stool. Pardon me? I'm afraid there's blood on your stool, signor.

Oh, okay. I brought your stool in if you'd like to see it. Don't say the blood on your stool? Don't say blood on my stool. I don't let... Well, there's blood on your stool, signor. It can't be good. I brought it in so you can look at it, senor.

No, don't. I don't want to see the blood on my stool. Here it is, signor. Look, there's blood on your stool. stool oh my god that can you wipe that off i could sir but it's still wet it's very sticky blood all over my fingers still wet can you just get that out of here okay senora i can take your stool i would you like me to leave a little piece here what do you mean leave a little piece here well maybe i could break off a leg or something why would you break a leg off my bloody off my stool so you could you could

have a stool sample, signor. I don't want a stoop. Wouldn't you like a bloody stool sample for your studio, signor? No, I don't want a bloody stool. Get out of here. Out. Senor, I've got the bloody stool sample. I can leave it right here.

No, get out, get out, get out. Okay, senor, I'm just trying to help. Yeah, well, you've kind of grossed me out here. Just go back and find some work to do. Maybe I could cut up one of your. logs excuse me one of the giant logs you left out on the lawn seor maybe i could cut it up with the chainsaw i didn't leave a giant log on the lawn yes signor when you brought that firewood remember you were carrying it to the house and you dumped a giant log right on the front lawn

get out of here it's probably one of the biggest logs i've ever seen him i get out it's just a giant log senor you dumped it right on the lot get out of here How about some bloody stool? Out! God, that guy is getting annoying. I might have to get a new gardener or something. That guy is just freaking me out, man. So anyways, on another note...

Roger? What is this noise? I'm trying to do the show here. What is this music? music. What? I can barely hear you in my headphones. What is this music? Another interruption. First, we have Senor Fuentes and now, what? The 100th what? Oh, my God. This is our 100th podcast of the Harlan Highway. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is okay, everybody. Wow, thank you, Roger. This is, I don't know if you can hear me. Roger's got the celebratory music going. This is the

100th podcast coming to you. You are on the 100th Carlin Highway. What a milestone. What an incredible day, night, whatever it is. Fantastic. Okay, Roger, you can cut the music. I can't hear you. Cut the music.

Cut the music. Yeah, this was, what a, what a, I'm very excited about this, folks. This is, in fact, our 100th podcast here on the Harland Highway. And thank you for riding along. Here's hoping we have so many more, maybe another 100, another 700. I don't know. But if you have anything you would like to hear in the next decade of podcasts, in other words, the next 100 podcast, be sure to call me 323-215-1486.

If there's anything you'd like to hear more of, less of, something new you'd like to hear, I'm all ears, man. Roger, Roger, okay, we did the music already. We got the, Roger, Roger, shut it up. Roger! Stop, shut that music off. We got it already. Jeez.

So once again, thank you for writing. along uh so much more to come here on the harland highway oh yeah welcome to the harland highway everybody oh look what i have a brand new leather jacket oh that smell that cured tanned dead cow smell Oh, like roast beef. Oh, Zhu. Oh, yeah, my new, listen to the, listen to the crinkling of the leather. You hear that? Oh, listen to that.

Oh, listen to that noise. Every time I shift, you get that. Oh, yeah. Just that, oh, I love being in a leather jacket, just that creak. Just that creaking, the leather makes Like being in an old baseball glove Oh, you hear that?

Listen, listen. Oh, God, I love it. Oh, God in heaven, this one's still alive. Get it off. Get it off. Yeah! Yeah! Highland Williams.

Oh, yeah. Man, I love me a leather jacket. I love black leather jackets, brown leather jackets. I got a few leather jackets, man. I always just feel so good in a leather jacket. I always feel cool. I always feel, I don't know, a little bit tough, maybe. I don't know.

I just love the way they fold. I love the way the wrinkles form at the inner elbow. I like the way if you get a scuff mark. on it the scuff mark kind of stays there i like the way they get kind of worn in and beaten up and they get weathered and tattered but they're very durable good leather jacket pretty much hangs around your whole life you know it's just a it's like a confidence that comes with wearing a leather jacket and there's kind of the hint of bad boy you know all the kind of bad boys and tough guys James Dean and, you know, the Fonz and Marlon Brando from the Wild Ones,

and there's some kind of a tough guy stigma that goes with the old black leather jacket. I've always liked them, man. I think that was one of my big first fashion purchases when I was growing up. You know, as a kid, I wasn't that much into clothing. I was like, whatever, jeans, you know, a shirt. I'd let my parents buy my clothes, but, man, I remember saving up a hundred bucks, and back down, a hundred bucks was a ton of money, man. I remember spending a hundred bucks and buying a black leather jacket.

Oh, and had a little black Sabbath, I had a black Sabbath pin up on the collar from the album Master of Reality. I had these purple letters on. black said black Sabbath and on the back down at the bottom just around the waist there I had an iron maiden patch sewn on oh yeah I was a rocker I was like uh you know I was like Judas priest in that thing well wait a minute wasn't that guy gay the singer okay I wasn't quite Judas priest in that thing okay let's not let's not go there but Yeah, that was my thing, man.

That was kind of my security blanket when I was, like, in high school. I was like, all right, man, I'm cool, man. I got my black leather jacket, yeah. But then when I got older, man, you know, when that kind of stuff didn't matter anymore, I just liked wearing my black leather jacket when I was on my motorcycle, you know? Just something about black leather jackets and motorcycles just feels right. They just go together, man.

And it's like, if you ladies can relate, it's like a good pair of pumps with the right handbag or, you know, the right lipstick with the right shoes. I don't know. But you know what I mean when certain things just lock into place and everything feels right in the world? Uh-huh. That's it. That's the old blacklet. What, Roger? What do you?

Turn it off. Turn it on. I know it's the hundred. I know it's the 100th podcast. Stop the mute. Stop. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Stop doing that. I'm in the middle of a podcast. We've told them it's the 100th one. Stop. Turn it off. Turn it off right now. Stop! What's the matter with you?

God. Man, I never thought, music can be so annoying. Good Lord. Music is supposed to be supposed to be nice and soothing and calming and it's an art form, man. Don't go using music against me, Roger.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Don't you hate it when you told me you love me, baby? And play your sad guitar. And play your sad guitar. Don't you remember you told me you love me baby? Yeah, play that sad guitar, because that's how it sounds when you play it, just sad. Nice try, Hendrix. Come on, how many of you people have done this? I think we all have, haven't we? I'm going to take guitar lessons, man. Oh, man, I'm buying a guitar, man.

I'm going to learn to play. I'm going to learn to pick. Oh, yeah, look at my new guitar, man. I'm just getting the hang of it, man. Listen to this. I can play the first three notes of stairway to heaven. Whoops. Is that the best you can do?

I mean, it's kind of a tragedy. We all give it a shot, don't we? At one point, we dream of being a rock star. We all want to be Eddie Van Halen. and we all go get a guitar lesson going and we all buy a guitar and after about four weeks that guitar sits in a corner

growing old covered in dust spiders living inside of it it just sits there and looks at you with its big eye and reminds you of what a washout you are and you probably should be playing a sad song to yourself for ever trying. I know, it sounds negative, it sounds, but listen to yourself. Listen, sounds like you got nubs for fingers. Listen to that.

That's horrible. That's you. Listen to all the, oh, what is that? You see? So just chop your guitar up, make a nice fire, roast some marshmallows here on the Harland Highway. Yeah, it's sad, but it's true. And that happens a lot in life, doesn't it? I mean, isn't that what life's all about?

You know, you try things, you think you'll be good at them, right? And you find out you don't have this skill for it. I remember when I was a kid, I took a magic class. my mother enrolled me in a magic class where i could go and learn magic tricks and i was just confounded and confused and i couldn't make anything disappear but myself when i ended up not going to the thing but uh you know every year somebody's like i'm gonna learn the cello this year man man i'm gonna get my driver's license man i'm gonna get my motorcycles driver's license and I'm going to learn how to ride a motorcycle, man.

I'm going to climb Mount Everest, dude. That's what I'm doing this year, man. I'm going up Everest. I'm going up the North Face right to the Hillary step. Do you know that it costs $150,000 to climb Everest? Okay, I'm going to go to the park and climb up that hill, man. You know the hill where there's a water fountain and a tennis court up at the top? Yes, I do.

Yeah, I'm going to climb that. How much is that? That's free. Yeah, I'm climbing that. But you set your aspirations and you, you know, you get there sometimes, sometimes you don't. Sometimes it's fun just to fail. You ever try something and you're so bad at it that you just laughed about it, just cracked you up? you were so

miserably, horribly rotten at something that you just had to laugh I think that happened to me with golf I just got so bad trying to play golf I just started laughing and not taking it seriously and

I think I ended up going to the golf of course more for the snack bar than anything else but anyways there you go doesn't mean You stop trying. Keep on trying, my friends. Because practice makes perfect, and perfect makes practice?

No. I've got to practice this. Practice make perfect. No, no. Okay. I'm all mixed up. Way to go, Harland. Harlan Williams, ride with you on your ride home.

It's been a long winter. We've had some avalanches. and I don't know if I can think of a more frustrating way to die, right? Basically, you're covered in snow, okay? You're still alive for a while. You can breathe under there. It gives you time to think about how you're dying. I'm being crushed by white powdery, fluffy stuff

that if it was a little hotter, it would just be water and roll right over me, but somehow it's crushing me to death. Like these little white flakes that come down one of the time and they're really beautiful. If you look at them under a microscope, 900 million of them got together and decided to kill me. And they're like crushing me to death. That's just got to be frustrating. When you think of all the shovelfuls of snow, you just shoveled.

Scrape, toss, scrape, toss. The times you eat through snow with your snowblower, or you just drove right through it out of my way snow get out of here a bunch of white powdery stuff you're for sissies and then suddenly

they've all banded together and they get the last laugh we are snowflakes single-handedly we are nothing but collectively we will destroy the universe I'd rather be gourd

I'd rather be gored by a rhino At least they can go up with some drama It's like I always say Carry a lighter with you You want to get out of the avalanche Just flick your bick man Melt your way to the top And get right back on the Harland Highway

I'll tell you one thing though That I don't like when the snow goes away It's the potholes The winter always leaves behind giant gaping pot holes how many of you have caused severe damage to your to your vehicle popped a tire pretty much had your spine dislocated gotten whiplash had your shoulder blade snapped out of place from hitting a pothole I mean the winter months whether it's snow or rain they just tear up the road and these little tiny holes

get bigger and bigger and bigger. Suddenly you're running an obstacle course in your car. If you're not paying attention, boom! Right? And then you get out to look at what you hit and you get out and you actually fall into the pothole. That's how deep they are. You're like in those old Tarzan movies, right?

When they dig a pit for the lion. and then they'd put leaves all over the top and then the lion would come running through the jungle and just as it's about to get you, it steps on the leaves and falls down into a pit. That's what these potholes are like out there on our city streets, man. You're just down there, you're like...

Hello, hello, hello, hello, can anybody hear me? I'm down here, here, in the potholes. Pothole! Help! Help! Hello! Anybody? Hello! Department of Roads! Department of Power! Department of Department! Somebody help me! I'm down in a damn pothole!

Wait a minute. What's that noise? Oh my God, there's something down here. Oh my God! Please! Someone help me! help me. I'm driven into a pothole. There's something down here. It's alive. I think I've journeyed to the center of the earth. What's that? No. Stay back. Stay back. Stay back.

Potthole. And why the hell do they call them potholes? There's no pot in them, right? It's not like they're filled with marijuana. That's what would probably make the more bearable, right? Because you're so pissed off, you're so angry after you've fallen a pothole. Maybe that's where, you know, they should put pot smokers.

They have their own little caves underground, and they're called potholes. So then when you fall into them, you're not quite as aggravated. It's more like some kind of weird, hippie stoner den. Hey, man, like, what do you do down here, did? I fell in a pot hole. I was driving to work, and I fell in a pot hole. Oh, we'll have some pot, man. Here.

Oh, wow, yeah. Hey, this isn't that, man. Yeah, dude. It's Columbia. Wow, this is actually pretty good. Yeah, dude. I got to come down here more often, man. I'm kind of glad I fell in this pothole now, man.

Yeah, dude, it's awesome. Wow, this is... I like this, man. I want to go to some more potholes. Yeah, dude, potholes. Pot holes! Yeah! Pot holes rule, dude!

Or am I just completely delusional? Am I living in a fantasy world, and you guys are like, yeah, okay, Harland. Yeah, smoking underground with the pot smokers. Real brilliant idea there, Dumbo. Look, folks, I'm just saying that... Hey, Roger, stop it. Turn it off.

I know it's our 100th podcast. Get it off. Get the dopey music off. Get it off. Roger. Sorry, boss. How many times do I have to tell you? I said I was sorry.

Okay, well, I know you're excited, and I know you've got great enthusiasm. I love them, but no more dumping in the band music, please, okay? Okay. Okay, then I'm going to get on to the next topic here. Okay. Okay, good. Now, I wanted to talk about the economy and the way that everything...

What? Roger! Roger, what are you doing? Sorry. Not really. Wow. You were really. seriously disturbed. I'm gonna throw to something else

when you get your head together. You're insane. Your mental case. Give me out of it. What's the matter with you? Hey, stupid! Uh-oh. We got a moron here. Is that it?

Don't. Why don't you get it to pay with some brains in it? Okay, so it happened. It finally happened. Some big, juicy, dumbass. and this is a real story, I hate to report, but it is. Some dumbass put his baby in a freezer. Yeah, talk about needing to take a course in child care.

All right, this guy was taking care of his girlfriend's baby. Well, she was at work, and the baby got a fever. So instead of old dumbass calling the hospital, or calling his girlfriend, he's like, Hey, man, how do you cool something down when it's hot? Like, if I have a warm beer and I want to make it cool down real fast so I can drink it, I throw it in the freezer, man. So this guy opens the freezer, tosses the baby in, there it is,

it's got a bag of frozen peas for a pillow, a couple of egg of waffles under its ass, a couple of popsicles to rest its feet on. I mean, are you kidding me? This guy's insane. I mean, what does he do if he gets cold? Billy, you look a little cold there. Go stand in the fireplace.

Daddy's going to throw a few logs on there and warm me up real nice. Ow! This guy is a crackpot, man. Children beware. There are some dopey parents out there. There are some dumbass adults. If you've got a fever, keep it to yourself. Ride it out, man.

Are you going to be in there? with fish sticks and frozen corn nimblets baby should put some of these dumb parents in the freezer keep them frozen like ted will defrost them when the human race starts to smarten up keep your kids in the high chair people here on the harland highway oh yes the frozen baby um well i guess that's it we've come to the end of the show and it is our 100th podcast here on the Harland Highway. Can you believe it? Three days a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Just keep coming at you with this stuff. Thank you so much for joining in, laughing along, riding along. And as always, if you have any comments, criticisms, praise, anything at all, You can call it 323-215-1486. So you have any favorite characters you want to hear more of or anything like that. Just leave a message, let me know. And we'll keep it coming, man. We will keep the Harland Highway.

We got the crews out there. We're going to keep paving. We're going to keep cutting some more road through the recesses of your mind. So thanks for the first hundred. Look forward to the next hundred. And we'll catch you at podcast 101. Right here with me, your host, Harlem Williams. And until next time, chicken chow main, baby.

Thank you.