The Harland Highway - Podcast 101

Episode Date: April 21, 2010

Girls unsexy shoes, dolphins, too much showering, ants and insect murders. Sweet deep fried dumpling sauce! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, well, well, I think I'll pull up an old rocking chair right here beside the fireplace and get myself to podcasting. Hey, everybody, welcome to the Harland Highway. What a show, what a show, what a show, what a show, what a show what a show. Today we're talking about sexiness. I am going to turn you ladies onto a little something, something. I'm going to peel the curtain back, let you get to see what us men see, and I'm going to tell you about something that definitely is not sexy,

something that you ladies wear that we do not like. You're going to be thanking me after I give you this tip. You might not like me, but you're going to be thanking me because I bet a lot of you don't know about it. We're going to be talking about the intelligence of animals, dolphins in particular. and speaking of water, we're going to be talking about showers. Guys, do you have one of those girls that always has to be in the shower to the point where it's like creepy?

Uh-huh. Yeah, we're going to be talking about that. We're going to be talking about bugs. How many bugs have you murdered in your life? Are you a murderer? We're going to find out right here on the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth?

On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Mouthspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Good evening. I'm Tom Brokow with the evening news. This just in. Girls wearing flats as footwear are completely unsexy.

I repeat, this just in. Girls wearing flats as footwear, 100% unsexy, buzzkill, not going to get laid if you're wearing flats. Yep, that's right, girls. I hate to tell you this, but probably the most unsexy thing you can wear next to a brace on your face are flats. Okay, I don't know who invented that style of footwear, but, um, uh-uh, flats. are the death knell okay there's nothing worse than you know you started a girl's beautiful sultry face

she's tweaked her hair she's got the makeup you're like oh my god that woman is beautiful you kind of pan down her body she's got her shoulders and then beautiful breasts her waist tapers in she's got wonderful thighs beautiful pelvis go down those long slender legs she's wearing a skirt the cuts off at the knees, and you've got those beautiful tanned, shaved calves. You go right down to the ankle, the beautiful ankle, and then flats. Flats on aisle five. Can I get an unsexy cleanup on aisle five? Yeah, that's right, girls.

I'm saying it. Flats are unsexy. Believe me. Okay, they just flatten out your foot, they take away your posture, they take away your muscle tone, they just take away everything. You might as well put a bag on your head covered with camel crap. Okay, yeah, that's how drastic it is. A paper bag, the outside of it, smeared with camel dung, all right? I'm sorry, but flats are just gross.

I don't know if you guys agree with me. And girls, I'm doing this as a favor to you, okay? This is a tip off. If you've got flats in your closet, in your shoe closet, go and start the fireplace, okay? Fire it up, get some birch logs going. Start throwing the flats in, man. There should just be a big pile in town square,

like when Hitler used to burn the books. Everyone from the villages, from the towns, from the cities, from the counties, should all assemble and throw their flats in the fire, man. They are just a buzz kill. I remember I saw, who was it? I was at the Los Angeles Airport.

And there was some movie star. I forget her name. She's not like a huge, huge movie star, but nonetheless she's well recognized. I can't think of the name. But beautiful little blonde girl, she has two different colored eyes What the hell is her name?

I'll try and think about it But there she was Standing at the check-in counter You know cute little blonde hair pinned back And then you kind of moved your way down Slender waist Really nice butt

And then I got down to her ankles And she was wearing flats And it's just like wow That sexy movie star just lost it I can never look at her the same ever again. I flatlined when I saw her flats, okay? I was all excited. My heart rate was like,

bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, then I got down to her ankles. Bo, bo, bo, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, then I got down to her feet. Flatline, doctor, we have a flat line on flats. Dr. Smith, we have a flat line on flats. Yeah, so I'm no fashion expert girls, but I do know what kills the sexy. It's the flats, fats. And I guess I should say, for those of you guys or girls who don't know what flats are,

they are a healess shoe. They're usually like a little leather covering. They almost look like slippers, okay? Except somehow they're shoes, and they've got no heel, and they're just completely flat. They just flattened out. The soul is about, God, it's probably less than half an inch thick. And they just make you look flat-footed and boring and clumsy and unsexy.

So take your flats and kick them a flat out the door, man, because they are flat-out, ugly, flat-out, unsexy. And I'm just going to say this one more time. flat out don't wear the flats circumnavigate what a nice word to say at the end of a long workday it's defined in the english oxford dictionary circumnavigate means to circumcise someone while they're navigating a boat so pictures someone steering a boat through the coral reefs and having their chili dog chopped off hello Look out, chili dog. Can I get a chili dog at table five? Yow, shot mustard. And speaking of Coral Reese,

article in the paper today, did you know that dolphins are now considered the second smartest creatures on the planet next to us? So let me get the facts here. Dolphins swim around and eat fish, second smartest. We create nuclear weapons, murder each other,

steal, lie, cheat, drink, and smoke, and we're the smartest? I don't know. I think maybe we should just all think about swimming around and catch them fish in our teeth. Anyways, one day when the dolphins are capable of building their own nuclear bomb, I guess they'll be even with us or surpass us in an all-out nuclear battle for intelligence. But I don't know. I read this article in USA today, second smartest creatures on the planet. And so I run down to SeaWorld. I run down to SeaWorld to see what all the commotion is about. I get up to the dolphin tank. They're swirling around and their big bucket of salty fun jinks, big salty sea bath.

And one of them comes over, pops his little head out. And I'm thinking, all right, here we go. second smartest creature on the planet. And what do I get? I get... And I'm like, wow, you're a freaking genius. Wow, you're a... You are just so intelligent.

In fact, I noticed you're so smart. You breathe air, but you still live in the water. Hmm. Aren't you a brain... Any chance of you doing my taxes, uh... This year for me, Flipper? You know, I was going to go to H&R Block, but if you could just whip something off with your giant cranium

and maybe do a couple of Rubik's cubes with the one flipper while you're doing my taxes in the other. Huh? Mensa? Yeah. Okay, genius. Well, then again, we do have the nuclear bomb, don't we? Well, this is Harlem Williams.

As you're driving along the Harlan Hot. Try and figure these things out, people. You got a little downtime while you're cruising home. See how smart you really are. And speaking of things in the water, here's another thing I don't find sexy, and that is a woman in the water too much. And when I say a woman in the water, I mean,

guys, you ever go out with a girl who is always showering? right she's like always has to have a shower like she you know she wakes up in the morning and she has the normal shower and then it's like hey baby you want to go for lunch yeah let me just jump in the shower real quick oh okay i thought you had one this morning yeah that was this morning oh okay so she has a shower and then you get home and you're sitting around hey baby you want to watch uh american idol sure i do let me just jump in the shower real quick um but didn't you i'm jumping in the shower okay and then uh you know you sit around you watch tv for a few hours and then you're like all right it's time for bed let's make a little whoopee and you make it out a little on the couch oh baby let's go into the bedroom and make out Mind if I have a little shower first? What? I'm just going to jump in the shower.

You've had seven showers today. I know, but I like to have another one. I just want to get clean for you. Okay, you are clean, and we're about to get dirty. I don't need you to be clean when we're getting dirty. Okay. Let me just jump in the shower and think about that while I'm lathering off. I mean, it's insane, man.

It makes me think you're hiding something. Makes me think you're dirty. What's with all the showers, man? You got some fungus growing somewhere that I don't know about? Or you got some body stink? You're hiding on me there, cucumber ass? I don't know. It's a little excessive.

Honey, I'm just going to have a shot. shower. But I thought you just had a shower. I'm having a shower to wash off the shower I just had. And then I'm going to take another shower in anticipation of my next shower. Okay? Yeah, okay. And here's a plane ticket to the Amazon tropical rainforest. Why don't you just live in there so you can get a downpour every 30 seconds? Really? That sounds excellent. Let me just shower off before I look at that plane ticket. Ah! Maybe that's why the guy from Psycho

came to life. Remember the shower scene and Psycho? Maybe that's what you've got to do to scare your loved one, your girlfriend, out of showering all the time. Hey, baby, it's, you know, it's 9 o'clock. Aren't you due for your shower? No, no, I'm okay. I don't need a shower.

Okay. What about at 3 o'clock? No, no, I don't need a shower. No. I'm working on a fine outer crust. I don't care. I haven't washed my hair in 14 weeks. I don't need a shower.

Sorry. I hope you like my cucumber ass. So, girls, if you shower all the time, knock it off. Because you're just making us suspicious. And whatever you do, don't shower wearing flats. Okay, that would really get. Get me out the door for good. You'll just see me running for my life straight down the Harland Highway.

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Can you hear the wind blowing here on the Harlan Highway? I don't like the wind, man. Bad things happen when it gets windy Let me tell you what I'm talking about You know me I live high on the hog up in the hills Big swimming pool Ping pong table on the roof

I got a satellite dish On my butler's head That's how large I live I'm like Michael Jackson I got elephants and zebras and drafts I got a cyclops Living in a cave Right on my property

I got a wild herd of nude girls Just running around grazing Trying not to get attacked by tigers And everything's fine Everything's dandy in my little paradise But then the wind comes Every time you hear that wind You think a gunfighter from the old west

Is gonna mystically appear at the end of your driveway Hey there pilgrim How don't you come out Inside. Ooh, that's scary. But even scary, even sadder, are the little tiny brown ants that crawl around on my property. I call them Little Browns.

They're the cutest little darlands of the ant world. They're little Aunt Angels. Hi, little Browns. Not little, Lil, L-I-A-Postrophe L. Little Browns. Little tiny browns. The other ants can carry a whole caterpillar away. But not my little browns.

They can maybe have a grasshopper leg or a moth face. It's because they're little browns. Little browns just scurrying around. And they're so tiny that when the wind comes, they can't protect themselves. It picks them up, twirls them through the air like $3 Friday sandwiches from Denny's, and plops them in the swimming pool. They land in the swimming pool

And they're so tiny They're so light They can't drown They just float On top of the water For hours and hours Wiggling their little brown legs And I stand there

And I watch this long, drawn out Prolong death This inevitable death And I can't take it I can't wash my little browns Just die So I run in the house I get my box of Cheerios

I stand at the edge of the pool. And one by one, I tossed the Cheerios out right into the water. Just a few inches in front of the little Browns, a life raft has been sent. And I'm all emotional. I'm standing there, and I'm like, swim, little Brown, swim, swim for your lives. And if you start to lose energy, you can bite into your life raft because it's got niacin and riboflavin and 12 other essential vitamins to start your morning. Swim, little browns. My little browns have been saved.

All except for one little guy in the back of the pool who was like... Excuse me. Do you have any fruit loops? So, I don't know if he made it, but... Now they can get back to what they do best. Eat caterpillars. Eat grasshoppers. And for some bizarre reason, eat the raspberry jam dollop

I spilled on my counter in the kitchen that makes no sense you go from eating insects to a fine British jam that's like a lion going from eating zebra ass to sitting down at Ruth Chris and having a nice steak or a lobster

something isn't computing there but I don't care as long as my little browns are happy my cute little browns eating their jam and living so keep it real don't step on anything that looks brown and little under your feet because it's all about loving all of god's creatures yes go get your Cheerios there should be a grocery store a piggly wiggly or a wind dixie right at the next exit right off the harland highway yeah what about it folks huh what about in Do you ever think about it when you, uh, when you squish a spider? Or you smack a fly off the wall, right?

Or you step on a bunch of ants. Or you slam a bumblebee with a fly swatter. You know, you, you see anything in your house, your immediate, like, get the bug spray. Ah, there's a flying. right there's no reservations at all about hammering insects okay so i guess what i'm asking you is do you feel any insect guilt you know it's like they are lives they are creatures they are animals okay they have little tiny brains and they've got little uh motives and they've got little rituals and they've got little families and they like to mate just the like the way we do

They like to hump. They love to eat. They love to travel. They're always flying around. You ever see an insect just sitting still? They love to travel the little jinxins. They're just full of adventure. Ants crawling everywhere.

Even the slow ones. Snails are even on their way to something. But you're just like crunch. Oh my God, it's a lowly insect. Crunch. Right? We just killed. them randomly and you never think

about them. You never think about them having a life and a soul and being part of the moving machine that is this planet. The energy, the symmetry, the, all of it. You know, you'd never just walk up to a dog. Oh my God, there's a

Dalmatian. Crunch! Walk away. I just stepped on a dog's head. Look at that damn cat over there. There's another one. You just don't snuff them out, man. You don't walk up and hit him with a board.

Hey, honey, pull the car over. Why? See that horse over there on that field? Yeah? I want to get out and hit it in the head with a paddle. What kind of paddle? You know, like a canoe paddle. Okay.

Er! Okay, let's go, I got him. Okay. Right? We don't just snuff out other life forms, man. Right? I mean, hunters do. Yeah, hunters hunt, but I mean just us and our casual everyday existence.

What do we do? If a bird hits the window? Bong. what do we do we run outside we pick it oh my god look at a little bird here give it some milk here pull your breast out and breastfeed it you know we try to we try to feed it we if we find a little puppy or a cat so why is it we're so quick to kill you know the littlest life forms but anything else no way man you'd never do it but I guess what I'm really getting at is the way you kill things

and you really don't even think about it. It's like, do you think about your heart beating? Do you think about every breath you take? Do you realize what a mechanism it is? Think about it right now. Take a breath. Think of what happened just now. Your brain had to send signals.

Your lungs expanded. They took in the air. The oxygen permeated through the walls of your lungs and fed oxygen to your blood cells and it's part of your whole machine but you don't think about every breath you don't probably think about any of your breaths right

and that's what happens when you step on an ant or a bug or a fly or a spider you just don't even think about it so I guess what I'm really trying to do is guilt you out I think there's some cultures like the Hindu culture where

you know they believe that every little thing has a life everything has meaning and energy and significance but man if you could do the body count here in america if you could stack up the corpses of ants and flies and bugs it would be a regular holocaust we're all like mini hitlers what are you doing on my front lawn ants we were just looking for crumbs and stuff that's not a good enough answer There is a fly on my window. Quickly.

Give it the gases. Send it to the gas chamber. Oh, God. We are murderers, people. Why don't we give a second thought to the little guys? Do you imagine if giants came to Earth, if T-Rex ever came back, and he was just stomping around, stepping on us?

Hey man, don't step on me, man. I'm going to the movies. Ah! Right? So do you ever go out of your way to maybe help a little critter and think, you know, I just saved a life? I swear to God, I have a pool in my yard. and you know i can't even count how many times i've saved a life it makes me feel good i'll see a little

hornet or a beetle i just saved a big black beetle that was just like floating in the water on my pool slowly drowning i was on my way to a meeting i'm like how long will it take to save this little guy's life i don't know what he's doing i don't know where he's gone he's probably going to eat the wood in my house but that's a life that's somebody drowning that's a drowner and i'm a lifeguard i actually feel pretty good man when i walk out the door i go you know what if i don't do anything else today i saved a life sure it was a potato beetle you know he can't tell anyone i can't really tell anyone because I look like I'm insane, but yet somehow I'm telling you people, I walk out the door and I go, what'd you do today, buddy? Oh, I bought a chocolate bar and I, uh, took a big long

piss at lunch. Yeah, well, I saved a life. What? Oh, you're a hero, man. Who was it? A potato bug? Oh, wow. Are you retarded, man? So there you go. I'm just talking about awareness. You know, think about the little lives you might save. And that being said, whenever I see ants in my kitchen, I smash the crap out of them. So just be aware, life is life. Even a plant has life. So think about it.

And that's it. That's all I got for you. Be kind to the little guy. Hey! Oh, damn, I just slapped that fly on my face. Sorry. See at the funeral. Asshole.

Okay, wow. Great way to end a podcast, getting flipped off by a bee or a cricket or something. And I guess I'll take that as a sign that I should kind of end the show right here and there. When insects are abusing you verbally, it really is time to go. it's really time to go everybody but before I go I will not flip you off I will say thank you for being here

thank you for joining please tell your friends about the Harland Highway trying to trying to grow the audience trying to get more and more people involved trying to get more and more people laughing which is the mission

if not laughing at least amused and if not amused maybe one chuckle per half hour I don't know entertained, whatever, just to lighten your day, lighten your load. Tell all your friends and tell their friends to tell their friends. Let's make this Harland Highway a phenomenon. Let's make it a highway that runs through everybody's community.

I'm putting the onus on you to... Here's your homework for today. I want you to send out at least three emails to friends, okay? And just tell them how to get the Harland High. highway, whether it's at harlemwilliams.com or they go to iTunes, just tell three friends and tell them to tell three friends. Let's do a whole pay it forward thing because really I just want everyone to have a giggle. And I think the world becomes a better place when everyone during their day can have a laugh. And when the laugh comes for free, somehow it's even better, isn't it?

So there's your homework. Email or call three friends or family members and tell them to do the same. And we'll just keep building this thing until everybody's on the Harland Highway. Luckily, it's on the Internet, so we always have room to go as fast as we want. There's no backup. There's no traffic jams. There's no bottlenecks. It's all wide open.

okay so thanks again folks hope you had a good time um go have a shower and uh until next time this is harland williams for the harland highway saying chicken chow maim baby Ah! Ah! Oh! Uh! Uh! Uh!

Thank you.