The Harland Highway - Podcast 102

Episode Date: April 23, 2010

Celebrity races, My NEW movie, interview with Led Zepplin, song lyrics, hero's, and Dr. Ascot. Pudgy Blueberry bumblebuns!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On the good ship, lollipop. I get diabetes and zits a lot. I'm a pimply kid. Cranked up on sugar. No, that's not how it goes. Don't ruin a children's classic. Welcome everybody to the Harland Highway. What a show we have today. Celebrity races happening today. I think George Clooney's running and Hillary Clinton. and others. It's going to be a great race. I'm going to be talking about a movie premiere that I did, my own little indie movie. I had my premiere screening here in Hollyweird. Went great.

I'm going to tell you about that. Incredible, incredible interview I landed here. I got Led Zeppelin, classic rock and rollers, pioneers of rock and roll. Led Zeppelin are going to be. be here sharing some of their insane road stories, their rock and roll antics, lighting hotels on fire, girls, booze, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Unbelievable. We're going to be examining song lyrics and talking about, you know, the depth of song lyrics and what they mean to you

in your life. We're going to be talking about your heroes. What happens when you meet a hero? And is Is it a good experience or a bad experience? And then lastly, because it is Friday, I've got to do my therapy session with that moron Dr. Ascott, not looking forward to that in the least. You know I can't stand the guy. I can't wait to see what he has me do today. But nonetheless, we're all here on the Harland Highway. wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth?

On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy. What a great day to go to the races. And when I say the races, I don't mean the regular horse races, folks. I think you know by now, if you've been listening to the podcast, I'm talking about the Harland Highway

race track where we don't race horses, we race celebrities, okay? We get the finest thoroughbred celebrities we can find, and we throw them out on the racetrack, and we just let them go, man. We let them wail around that track, full tilt, until we have a winner. And I've got to tell you, it's exciting. Feel free to bet. and it's just a great sporting event. We've got our commentator, Charles Parsley.

Let's go right now to the Harland Highway Racetrack. Good afternoon, everybody. I'm Charles Parsley. Welcome to the Holland Highway Racetrack, and we have some fine thoroughbreds in the stall today. In gate number one, we have comedian Adam Sandler. In Gate 2, we have here. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton.

We also have Axel Rose from Guns and Roses. And in Gate 5, we have actor extraordinaire Mr. George Clooney. They're lining up, everybody, some high anticipation. And there's the bell. It looks like, and they're off and running. It looks like we've got a lot of speed coming out of the doorway. Here we go. Adam Sandler is taking the lead.

He's running down the track, followed quickly behind by Axel Rose. Axel Rose running erratically. jumping around like a spider monkey. George Clooney almost has a swagger in his step, and Hillary Clinton bringing up the rear. And now it's Adam Sandler. It looks like he's holding up something as he runs. He's holding up a poster to do his next comedy movie,

and the crowd is booing. The crowd is booing. Oh, he's just been hit in the face with a microwave oven. Someone from the crowd has taken Adam Sandler out in the face with a microwave oven. There goes Hillary Quinton. She's wearing her turquoise pantsuit, and it looks like she's having trouble

with her footwear. She kicks off her footwear. She's rolling up her pantsuit and look at those cancels. She seems to be picking up speed with those giant cancels. Axel Rose is making a move. He pulls around to the inside and here comes George Clooney around the corner as he slowly stops to wiggle his head and smile to the crowd. He's looking very swath and it looks like, oh, Axel Rose. Axel Rose has made a move. He's jumped on the back of Hillary Clinton. He's riding Hillary Clinton and she pounds down the track with her ankle splashing in the mud and the dirt. And George Clooney

has stopped to sign autographs in front of the crowd. Wait a minute. It looks like he's found an attractive woman. It looks like George Clooney is having sexual intercourse right in the stands. Oh my goodness, people are taking pictures and George Clooney making wonderful sexual intercourse.

Here he comes. He's back on the thing. It looks like Adam Sandler's back up. Adam Sandler giving chase to Hillary Clinton and Axel Rose. Axel Rose smashing Hillary Clinton in the ribs with his electric guitar, smashing her in her, oversized cancels. And it looks like Adam Sandler's not going to be able to catch her. And it looks like George Clooney is still having sexual intercourse. Here comes Axel Rose and Hillary Clinton.

And he's sticking his head out. It's Axel Rose. Axel Rose riding Hillary Clinton has won the race. Another exciting outing here at the Holland Highway racetrack. Charles Parsley, our winner Axel Rose. We hope you had a wonderful time here at this wonderful day at the races. God, that's exciting, man. That gets my heart gone every single time. Wow. Love it. Love the celebrity races. You just never know who's going to show up at the old racetrack. well I got a little bit of news to report

now this podcast is going to air just a little bit late but I'm going to talk about this now because some of the podcasts I pre-recorded so last night which will be a week later if you're listening to this so you've got to get back to the future money

so a week ago even though I'm doing it today It was really last night. I screened my directorial debut. I haven't really talked about this before, but I'm going to talk about it now because eventually you're going to see it. But I wrote and directed my own feature-length movie.

It's called Fudgy-Wudgy-Fudge Face. And, yeah, that's actually the name, Fudgy-Wudgey-Fudge face. And the movie is about a hillbilly who I play, who lives out in the desert. I'm a clog maker. I make wooden clogs like the kind of you see in Holland. And I'm driving to work one day through the desert to deliver my clogs, and a UFO crashes in the desert.

Out stumbles a space creature, and the first human being he meets on planet Earth is this idiot that I play, and his name's Elmore P. Fudge. And that's all I'm going to tell you. But so last night, a week ago, I had a premiere. I rented a movie theater here in Hollywood. I invited all my friends and all the cast members and all the people affiliated with helping me make this movie.

And we threw it up on screen, and people were eating popcorn and laughing. and it was a real success. And a lot of great people, a lot of great friends there. And I'll tell you why I'm excited about this because the movie took me six years to make, okay? I started this thing over six years ago. And the reason it took so long is because it was one of those weekend movies

where I really just went out into the desert whenever I could find the time or find the friends that would be willing to help me and some great friends, some wonderful friends helped me realize this dream. I can't ever thank them enough. But we would go out on the weekends and I had a script that I wrote

and, you know, I would do the wardrobe and I'd do the makeup and the special effects and the transportation and the craft services and I was acting and I was setting up the camera and I was setting up the lights and, you know, it was one of these things. I pretty much did everything myself. I think the biggest crew I ever had was two people,

maybe three, and some of the scenes I actually just went out and shot by myself because I had no one. So this thing's a real passion project. It's a real labor of love. It's an hour and a half long. The initial cut was four hours long. I had to trim it down. And so, believe it or not, this thing got into a few film festivals,

and what I really plan to do with it is starting in the summer, I'm going to start loading it up onto my website, harlonewiliams.com, and what I'm going to do is I'm going to show you like five or six minutes a week. So hopefully you folks start tuning in, And watching this movie, and every week there's a new segment for you. I don't know if anyone's ever presented a movie in that way before, but you know me. I'm not like...

I'm not like the other boys. I'm special. Special. So that's all I'm going to do it. And it was a great time. And I'm looking forward to sharing my movie, Fudgy-Wudgey Fudge Face. with all you people

in the very near future I will definitely make an announcement when the time comes for fudgy-wudgy fudge face hey hey everybody you are traveling down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams

and can you hear the excitement in my voice is there any more classic rock and roll band than Led Zeppelin? I ask you I'm going to get right to it here I'm just this is a scoop for me. I have with me here today. We're going to interview Led Zeppelin. Guys, welcome to the Harland Highway. Yeah, right, good to be here. Yeah, well, we get good to be here. Let me start. Where do I start? You guys are legendary. You've got songs like living, loving, just a woman, Misty Mountain Hop,

the immigrant song. Stairway to Heaven. We got to start there. Probably your biggest song, one of the biggest songs in the world, right? Yeah, well, I guess it's been around. Yeah, I guess people have heard it, right? Oh, absolutely. I mean, who hasn't slow danced to that at their high school prom? Now, what is the stairway to heaven? I mean, obviously it's some kind of, you know, mystical, spiritual reference. Well, really, it's like a stairway, really.

Yeah, it's a stairway, but to heaven, I mean, that's deep. Well, it's like, it's a stairway and it goes up to heaven, right? Yeah, but I mean, where does that come from? When you die, like, if you're going to go up to heaven, right, and it's like you go to the elevator to heaven, and sometimes it's overstuffed. The elevator to heaven? Right, like if you want to get on the elevator to heaven, right,

and it's crowded, what you do is you go around back the side and you like take the stairway up. The stairway, you take like the stairway, you take like the stairway, way up to heaven. Okay, but that's... I mean, you're kidding, right? All right, like, let's say you go to the elevator to heaven, right? You die.

You've been hit by a truck, or you've been mulled by a rock whiler or whatnot. And suddenly, you go to get on the elevator to heaven, and it's packed full. It's making funny noises, and you can't get in. You go to the stairway to heaven. You're telling me there really is a stairway to heaven? That's right, yes. Oh, it's right there behind the Walmart.

Excuse me? It's behind Walmart in Cincinnati, Ohio. Okay, come on. Look, you ever get on an elevator and it's really stuffed full of people? Sometimes it's better to take a stairway. So, instead of getting on a crowded elevator where someone might do a poofy, a poofy, like a little fart, you know? You ever have someone do a little squeaky when you're in a crowded elevator? You can't get away from it.

So what you do is you go take the stairway up. Okay. To heaven. I got to go to a commercial here, guys, but we'll be back with more Led Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven, and other songs. And hopefully we'll get a little deeper, a little more. That was kind of...

Okay, we're going to take a little break. That was really kind of odd. But we'll be right back. We'll come back with some more Led Zeppelin right after this commercial break. Hi, this is Harlan Williams for Royal Nut Rub. Guys, you ever get calcium build-up or barnacles, maybe even scales or shingles on your nutbag?

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Rub your nuts. Royally. Ah, that feels good. What a scoop I've got here. I am interviewing Led Zeppelin here. They are live here with me. Fellas, welcome back. Yeah, rock. Good to be here. Yeah,

rock, good. You're not. People. Boy, oh, boy. You know, we talked about stairway to heaven. Another favorite of mine black dog. I mean, where did this song come from? Uh, well, basically, I had a black dog. Oh boy, so what do you mean? Well, I had a black dog.

A retriever. Oh. His name was Skippy. Okay, I get it, I get it. Rock and roll, rock and roll dogs. Skippy, heavy metal rock and roll dog. No, not really. Just like to sit by the.

fireplace while I had me oval teen and every now and then I'd reach down and scratch the back of his little nap he's a real character really well let's talk about the lyrics I mean provocative sexy lyrics oh child the way you shake that thing gonna make you burn gonna make you sing hey hey baby when you walk that way watch your honey drip can't keep away I mean come on what's what's the honey drip thing well basically what happened is I had a bees nest in my rafter. Excuse me?

I write my drain pipe and it was like honey dripping down and I wrote it in the lyrics. No, it's about a hot chick, right? Like, that's like, we know what that, the honey drip. We know what that is. Yeah, I got stung a couple of times. Trying to whack it down with a stick and the little bugger stung me.

No, no, no, no. Like, you were like backstage partying and like this beautiful model. Yeah, I had to call the exterminate. It cost me 55 quid to get the little buggers out. Moving along, I got a roll. I can't stand still. Got a flame in my heart.

Can't get my fill. Eyes that shine burning red, dreams of you all through my head. And then I love this part when you just do the... Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I mean, I don't do it as good as you, but what was that? How did you come up with that uh-ah part? Well, basically, I forgot the words. What? I couldn't remember the words for this.

I've been out drinking all night with me, mates, had a couple of lime and loggers. I couldn't remember the bloody words. So I just did like the ah, ah, ah, thing like that. Looks like it worked pretty good, right? Come on, you did not forget the words. It happens when you have too many limes and lagers, right? I don't know, but I've been told a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.

Right, right. She ain't got no soul because she's got, like, so much fat that there's no room for a soul. Come on. No, she's, like, got the big fat legs with the cellulite. And she's so bloody chubby, there's no room for the bloody soul to fit anywhere. All right, come on. Are you guys for real? Look, we can go if you want.

No, just, we'll be back. Wow, okay. This is... Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes.

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I'm back in the control room. And Led Zeppelin, I have to say, not quite as edgy as I hoped. I'm sorry if this interview was a bit of a letdown. God. Well, Roger, my producer, is moving Led Zeppelin out of the studio for a minute. They're going to take a break. I think he's going to talk to them a little bit and kind of, you know, kind of tell them to get to the good stuff.

This interview is like, I'm hoping for some rock and roll and some edge and some sex drugs and rock and roll. And these guys are a little bit stiff, man. So he's moving them out. And unfortunately, he's moving in my next guest, who I hate, who is, I wish he was a stiff. And when I say that, I mean laying in a funeral parlor somewhere with his coins on his eyes. It's Friday. That idiot therapist of mine is here, Dr. Ascot.

So here we go. I'm going back in. Ugh. Hello, Holland. Hello, Dr. Ascot. I guess it's Friday, that's why you're here. Yes, Holland. Every Friday, Dr. Ascott comes and I have to do a therapy session with them.

I don't like this. I know, Harland. I want you to learn to trust me. Yeah, trust you. How am I going to trust you? I don't even know you. You come in here, make me feel self-conscious that there's something wrong with me. Holland.

You say my name. Over and over. Holland. Why should I trust you? Why don't we do some trust exercises, Holland? Trust exercises. Yes, Holland. What pray tell is a trust exercise?

Holland, you put yourself in a situation where you have to trust me. Okay, what kind of situation? I want you to stand up on that desk over there, Holland. Holland, stand on the desk. No. Holland. No, I'm not standing on the desk, Holland. No, I'll get you fired, Holland.

Okay. Okay. All right, there. I'm up on the desk. Are you happy? Now I want you to fall backwards into my arms, Holland. I'm not going to fall backwards into your arms. What do you think I'm an idiot? Holland, you have to trust me.

Oh, so what? I just fall back. I weigh like 190 pounds, and I'm just going to fall into your flaky little arms? Holland, trust. No. Holland, just fall back. No. Holland, I'll get you a pink slip if you don't trust and fall back.

You better catch me, As Scott. Holland, trust. Here I go. my eyes. Just let go, Holland. I'm letting go. Would you just leave me? Three, two,

one. Ow! You idiot. I just fell right to the floor, man. Ow, my back. Holland. I thought you were going to catch me, you moron.

Holland. what I missed yeah I know you missed you'd get out of here Holland I want you to get up on the table again no get out of here how about this ladder that I brought Holland climb up on the ladder and pretend to change the light bulb get out of here idiot trust exercises trust me this is a Dumbest thing I've ever done. Holland, I wanted to swing from the ceiling fan and let me catch you. Get out of here, Ascot.

Holland. Out. This is the third installment of my interview with legendary rockers. Led Zeppelin. I was able to get them in here. Nobody else can get them but me. And guys, tell me a little bit about being on the road. I mean, you guys are legendary partiers.

You had the partiers. bus, give me a story about one of the more outrageous situations you guys were put in. Oh, right, there's a lot of those. Yeah, give me one of those. Well, where do I start? I mean, we were just, we were like maniacs, really. Yeah, I bet you were. It was really, it was almost surreal, it was crazy. Yeah, okay, give me one of the stories, the orgies, the drug binges, the, the boozing. Oh, I got a good one for you then. Yeah, tell me this, what

is it? We were on the tour bus once and John Bonham who's really just crazy he broke out a deck of cards and we played a little game called Go Fish

Oh so you were like playing cards like gambling in the tour bus and naked chips what were you playing Instead of using chips you were playing for girls right? No, we was just that we had a nice lovely game of Go Fish and John Paul Jones, we had a little kitchen on board the bus, and he made up some lovely fresh biscuits,

and I got up in the middle of the game and made a nice tea, a cam and meal tea. So you guys were like, hi, and this was like a, like kind of a hallucination, you mean? No, we played fish four or five times, and then John Bonham, the little character that he is, never know what you're going to get from him, he's a wild man, they always say the drummers are the craziest, What'd he do? Do you bring out a couple of naked midgets or something? Well, what he had is a wonderful little game called Yotsie. Have you heard of it, Yotsie? Yeah, everyone's played Yatsy.

John Bonham the crazy maniac, he pulls out Yotsie. I'm not kidding, we must have played that bloody game. At least, I want to say two times, but I'm going to... It was a wild night. We might have played Yotsie three times maybe, back to back. Was there, was there any coke involved? I believe one of us had like a grape fanta. There might have been a Pepsi. I don't recall any coke.

Do you fellas? No, do you have any stories about like smashing your guitars or waking up in a ditch somewhere? You know, lighting a hotel room on fire? Well, there is that story. Okay, here we go. Wow, I was getting worried there for. So tell the story about how you lit the hotel room on fire. Well, it was late, and I was feeling kind of melancholy, as they say.

And I had been over at the store, and I found a wonderful cranberry-blueberry-scented candle. I think it was called Blue Cran, and I lit it up and drifted off to sleep, like a little angel. Wait a minute That's your fire store You lit a candle It was unbelievable I think people still talk about I think the room

Still smells like a salad bar Are you guys really lead Zeppelin or what Look if you want us to go We got other interviews No no just stay I know everyone wants to hear about the legend But I'm just I'm a little

Something's a little off here Where'd you get the candle I got it the pottery barn Oh brother Oh, my God. That's the thing about meeting your heroes, man. You've got to be careful, okay? Because you never know if they're going to disappoint you.

Okay? And here's a funny story that actually is a true rock and roll story. And this is maybe where I got the idea for the Led Zeppelin thing. But there's a band from the 80s called The Psychedelic Furs. And they have a great song called, love my way, you know, d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-love-my-way. Bump-p bump, bump, bump, it's a great tune.

And there's a great lyric in it that I always loved. I kind of lived by it. And it's a great line, a great motivational line, and inspirational line. Kind of, kind of, you know, it's kind of almost at times my little guide for living life. And there's this one line in the in this song where it goes, you can never win or lose if you don't run the race. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can never win or lose if you don't run the race, okay? So I remember telling my, my cousin, who's a musician, my cousin Kevin's in a

band called The Bare Naked Ladies, and because he's in a band, he gets a lot of exposure to other popular, famous bands. And I guess he was over in the UK, or he was at a party or somewhere, and Kevin ran into the singer from the psychedelic verse. And I guess one of the things that popped into Kevin's mind was how I'd told him that I loved that line. So Kevin told me he walked up to the guy and while they were talking, he goes, by the way, My cousin's favorite line in your song is you can never win or lose if you don't run the race. And Kevin said the guy's answer was, yeah, well, I guess it's true, isn't it? Like, that was it.

There was no, there was no depth to it. I guess in the end, maybe that's the beauty of it. It's so simple. But I thought that, you know, it's just such a bummer when, you know, in life you get so much meaning you get so much depth from things and you interpret them to be so deep and you create your own story about them

and the people that wrote them and created them you put all this mystique around it and all this praise and adulation and then sometimes when you actually peel the cover back you just get yeah well I guess it's true

isn't it you know be careful about meeting your heroes man I remember I was skipping school once up in Canada, and I left school early in the morning, and I went downtown in Toronto, Canada, and there's a huge mall down there called the Eaton Center, and I went in, and I was sitting around on the benches. It was a ghost town. It was, you know, who goes to the mall at 9 in the morning?

I did, you know, anything was better than school, right? So I'm sitting in the mall, just sitting on a bench, and all of a sudden, like 12 guys in really nice suits and trench coats walk by me. And I'm like, what are these guys doing here at this time of day? And I look, and I recognize it's Wayne Gretzky. It was Wayne Gretzky and all his teammates from the Edmonton Oilers, who at that time were in their prime. They were like Canadian gods.

This is when they had won the Stanley Cup like five times in a row. Mark Messier and all those guys. And I remember, I was like, you know what? I'm not going to go up and talk to them. I'm the only one else in this giant mall, and it's him and his teammate. But I kind of like tailed them a bit. I followed them just to kind of see where they're going, what they're doing. They went into a men's store to look at more suits.

And that's a whole other thing. Why hockey players always wear suits when they're not on the ice is kind of bizarre. They look like they should be running a funeral parlor or something or valeting my car. They're hockey players. Put on an old t-shirt and some sweats, dude. What are you? A member of Congress?

He's standing up to give a speech? You're going to address NATO or something? But anyways, the point of my story is I just left them alone. And part of it is because I didn't want to bug them. And then part of it is, I think, kind of was like, I didn't want to burst the bubble. I didn't want to know that much about the person because I already had my illusions.

I already had my dreams about this celebrity, this larger-than-life human being. And when you live through them in the media, through TV, through sports, through movies, whatever, sometimes they just, by nature, can't live up to all the glory that you kind of bestow on them. So, and that's what's going to happen if you ever meet. me you know not that I'm at their level but you know

I could be a big disappointment maybe this isn't even my voice maybe I'm a girl maybe I'm an elf maybe I'm just tricking all of you no I think you'll have fun if you ever meet me but anyways I digress I stray all I'm saying is be careful what you wish for when it comes to meeting your heroes. Sometimes they're better left untouched and worshipped from afar. But whatever you do,

don't stray too far from the Harlan Highway because this is one place where your dreams do come true. I know you like to laugh and hopefully that is one dream I fulfill for you. But we are out of time here today,

my friends. So until next time, Let you give me my deep, deep, deep saying. You know it well. Until next time, Chicken Chow, Maine, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Thank you.