The Harland Highway - Podcast 103

Episode Date: April 26, 2010

Outdoor concerts, New inventions, A visit from an odd fellow, interview with my Cousin Kevin and talks about breakfast cereal. Tiddly diddly dee! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a show we have for you today here at the Harland Highway. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. We have much ground to cover. As the warm weather gets closer, we're going to be talking about the outdoor concert experience, which I'm sure holds a lot of memories for a lot of you. So we'll be kind of reminiscing about that, talking about the general vibe and the feel. I'm putting the challenge out to you this week. I'm going to be asking you for some inventions, people.

Yeah, way to you hear this. I'm challenging you. I'm forcing you to do a little homework, and I want some results. I'm making you put your thinking caps on. I want you to come up with some inventions, but not what you'd think. Way do you hear about it.

And then we have a new guest in here today. This guy's, I don't know, He seems a little odd. I won't even go into it. He's coming in live to the studio. Just a guy we've never had before, and I'll leave it at that. You've figured out. And then after that, we have another guest coming in, who I do know.

It's my family. It's my blood. My little cousin Kevin's coming in to shoot the breeze. And one of the things we're going to talk about is breakfast cereos. So get your crunch on, Captain, because here we go. we are sliding down the Harlan Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway

Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Routspin, I'm your friend Riding down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy Okay, I'm starting things off a little different today, okay? This podcast is going to challenge you. Well, I guess the podcast can't because it's not alive, but I'm alive, and I'm going to challenge you.

Excuse me, am I alive? Yeah, you're alive. Okay, I'm just checking. Barely. Easy. Ask. Hey! I wish you were dead.

Hey! Just ask it a simple question, and I get attitude. Well, I do wish you were dead. Come on. Okay, so here is what I'm going for. There's a lot of junk in the world that seems irrelevant, right? But yet, it's stuff we need. Case in point, you ever go to Starbucks and you order a coffee,

and the coffee's hot? So they give you those little round cardboard things that go around the cup. They're about like three inches high. They're just like a cardboard loop. And it goes around the cup. And what it does, it keeps you from, you know, letting the heat from your beverage get through to your fingers. You know, sometimes you get a coffee or a drink that's so hot.

You can't hold the damn thing. So some knucklehead who's probably a trillionaire, thought, well, I'll come up with little round pieces of cardboard that make it safer for me to hold my hot cup of coffee, eh? Okay, and then think about it. Some guy came up with the idea for the little toothpicks. They put in club sandwiches, right? Those little toothpicks with the frills on the end of them,

and they hold the bacon and the lettuce and the tomato all together. You got your guys that came up with the coffee. stir sticks you got your guys i mean just look around your house look look look in front of you look at look at anything any simple little thing you know and there's little inventions that when you just look at them you're like oh look at that little piece of junk but when you think okay how many people buy a coffee in a day okay how many people use one of those round cardboard things in a day. I think it's safe to say millions.

Millions and millions and millions. I think it's safe to say. So if some guys making four cents off of every one of those or even three cents or even a penny, you do the math. Okay? So here's my challenge to you. And you can call me on this.

You can phone my machine. and tell me your answer. You can write to me 323-215-14-86. And here's your homework. I want you to come up with or invent or tell me some kind of goofy little thing

that we need that has yet to be thought of. And I don't mean, I don't want you to call me and say, oh, I've just created nuclear fusion and I've figured out a way to create a new form of electric energy. No, no, that's great, good. You've solved a huge one giant leap for mankind, okay? What I want is the goofy stuff.

I want, you know, a thing to hold your eyelids open or a nose puffer or a coffee twingler, a jingle jangler. I'm starting to sound like Dr. Seuss here, but you know what I mean. some dopey little dumb overlooked necessity that is yet to be invented how hard can it be right so there you go I want you to look around and tell me your ideas

and I think this could be pretty amusing it's amazing what the human mind can come up with the ingenuity the resourcefulness when you put people to task and that's what I'm doing to you right now, faithful listeners. And personally, I'm laughing because I can't wait to hear what you come up with. I know somebody somewhere is going to come up with a doozy. So please think hard about it, whether you're driving a truck or you work in a kitchen

or you scrub bathrooms or you fly kites. I don't know. but you think of something that will add to the experience of something we already have, okay? I don't think I can say it any easier. Well, yes, I could. I want you to invent something stupid. There, that was a little easier. Okay, so there you go.

Get to it. call me 323215-1486 or 323-215-186 or 3-2-3-215-186. I can't wait to hear from you. Hey, man, let's party. Yeah, how many of you this summer are gearing up to do the outdoor concert thing? That is one of the joys of the warm weather, isn't it? You get to go to an outdoor concert, you know, some folk band or some blues band or John Cougar Mellon Camp or Black Sabbath or somebody's playing outdoors. Right?

You get to sit up on the grassy knoll wrapped in an old smelly blanket that smells like dogs and moth balls. There's hair all over it. There's an old coffee stain. You get to sit up on the grassy knoll. and smoke your funny cigarettes. And everyone around you is doing the same thing and the whole area smells like a chemical fire. Or you're running around down in front of the stage,

ripping your top off and shaking your jugs. And that's just the fat guys. That's a little gross. But every now and then you get the hot girl up on someone's shoulder, ripping her shirt off and shaking her face. fake jugs. You get to put on the old bandana on, the old tie-dye shirt, the ripped-up jeans. You know, during the week, you work at Merrill Lynch and you wear a suit.

But just for a day, you get to act like a hippie, right? You're eating rice cakes and wearing your sandals. Might even do a little mud-diving. Man, I closed a deal with Apple and Google and, I'm a Merrill Lynch executive, but tonight I'm diving in the mud. This is Woodstock, man. Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

And then there's the music. There's something cool about music pouring out into the atmosphere. You know, you're not in a building. The music's not contained. It's got a different sound, doesn't it? Just kind of flows out across the field or permeates the whole area that you're in. It's kind of like a soft gas flowing over here or something. It just gives that extra bit of character to the whole event, doesn't it?

There's something kind of freeing about listening to music and the great outdoors, you know, the sunshine and on the people on stage. If the rain comes, they get wet. You're all kind of sharing in a collective environment. The music's spilling out onto good old Mother Earth. You're not inside some kind of corporate stadium with advertising plastered all over and security guards and seat numbers and all that crap. Oh, yeah. Get out and enjoy people.

It's what it's all about. Maybe we'll even see you there. I hear the Bay City Rollers are putting a reunion tour back together. Maybe I'll show up at that one. S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y, Knight. Yeah, I'll be the guy in the Scottish hot pants jumping in the mud Swigging his bagpipes in the air with his shirt off. Hello!

See you there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is fun, man. It is fun to do stuff like that outdoors. Do you remember any of the concerts you've been to? Any of the outdoor concerts? sitting in the grass on your little blanket.

You know what I did recently? This was kind of a cool event. I did this, I guess it was earlier this year maybe, or maybe last year, late last year. Down in L.A. here, there's a giant old graveyard right here in Hollywood. And it's huge. It's a massive, massive graveyard. Classic grail.

It's not one of those cheesy graveyards where they just put the plaque. in the ground, you know, the crappy little plaques. This place actually has like the big gravestones, and it looks very gothic, and right out of Transylvania. And what they do, when it gets warm enough, they do outdoor movies. They show movies in the graveyard, and they had Bride of Frankenstein playing up on a giant screen, and people bring their little chairs and you're allowed to bring a cooler and drinks and sandwiches and sit on the grass.

And it was kind of cool, man. Sat out there and watched an old black and white version of the bride of Frankenstein. So like I said, there's a certain ambiance. I hope you find something fun to partake in as things start to warm up here on planet Earth. You know, that's what it's all about, getting outside and enjoying them great outdoors. And speaking of outdoors, I guess we have a new segment here that the producers, the powers that be here at the podcast asked me to do.

They wanted me to interview this guy. I'm a little flummoxed. I'm a little perplexed here. I don't know what the purpose of this interview will be. I'm not sure what the point is here, but I guess it shines a light on a particular, maybe some would say, peculiar sect of society, a kind of offbeat, maybe odd area of society.

I don't know how you look at it, but my producers wanted me to have this guy in um what's his name huh what's the guy's name what daffodil dandy daffodil dandy okay i'm hearing in my headphones and what is it with him he's he's not gay but he's what he's a feminine so he wants to come in

and he wants to talk about the differences between being a gay person and just being a feminine, which he claims are two totally different things. But I'll let him tell you. I'm not an expert in that field. So, yeah, send them in. Send them in. What is it?

Daffodil dandy. Okay, send them in. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes.

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daffy dandy okay and what a wonderful space you have here to work in just a super duper Okay, uh, thanks. Have a seat, uh, daffodil dandy. You could call me Daffy. Daffy, as in Daffy Duck, but don't forget the dandy. I'm daffodal dandy. Okay, do you want to sit down? Yes, I do. Okay, just sit down there and, uh, so this is interesting. Yes, it is. I call it fascinating.

Okay. Um. So daffodil dandy Daffy Daffy Yes I'm just saying What you told me to say What did you say

I said Daffy Yes Okay Daffodil Dant Daffy Daffy Yes What is it

You're here to talk about The differences Between Being gay And being effeminate Yes People often confused the two. And there is a huge homosexual population worldwide, globally, especially on the

tips of Florida and the tips of Italy. Why did you pick those two places out? Because they both look like giant law. Okay. So what is the difference? Well, homosexual people, it's a culture, it's a lifestyle. It is something you were born with. It is a life. choice. Being effeminate is just simply being, you know, a little more, um, just sing life on the lighter side. Okay, wait a minute. So you're not gay. Let's get that clear. No, I'm not gay at all. Okay, okay. And I'm effeminate. Okay, and just so our listeners know, what does that mean? Well, I just, I put a soft touch on everything. You know how, when you do your drying in your dryer?

Yes, I do. And you know how when you're doing your drying in your dryer? Yes, I do, Daphne. Daffy, Daffy. Well, when you're doing your drying, you throw a sheet of bounce into the dryer. Can you stop rasping? Excuse me?

Just the way you're saying dry, is, it's just, so you throw a sheet of bounce in with the clothes and it softens them. It softens the whole experience and the dryer's not gay. The clothes aren't gay, but when you throw the

bounce, sheet of bounce in there into the dryer, stop it. I'm sorry? You throw the sheet of bounce into the, the dryer? Yes!

Are you okay? Yes, just you throw the sheet of bounce in and it softens everything. And that's what a feminine is. It's just a softer take. So you're just a regular straight guy. Oh, yes, I play football. You play football.

Yes. You play like touch football? No, I'm in a full-blown league, full equipment. full tackle everything okay okay okay i think i'm seeing this so what you're saying is you're just a normal guy but you kind of talk a little wispier you you have a little bounce in your step but you're no different from me you don't no different from the average guy and and you're not gay and not that all gay people talk would you say is it fair to say in an effeminate tone yes no yes what is it Yes, no, yes.

What is it? No. No what? Not all gay people talking in effeminate tone. Just some do. And so does some effeminate. Okay. Okay, what else do we need to know?

Well, I just, I eat normal foods like everyone else. I live, breathe, and bleed just like anyone else. Okay, so you eat normal foods? What are you into? You like steak and potatoes. I like raw foods. Okay, okay. Like, you're a sushi guy?

Well, sort of. I like raw meat. Excuse me? Meat. You like raw meat. Uncooked, like raw, like a rare steak. Rar! Stop it!

I'm just saying raw meat. Okay, what kind of raw meat? Well, I brought some with me. Do you mind if I have a snack? No, I guess not. What is it, like cold cuts? Close, it's weeners. Excuse me?

I brought a pack of weeners. And you're going to eat them raw. Yes. Okay, do you need to do this now? Yes, I'm very hungry. Do you mind if I open the weeners? Well, if you have to. do it here i'd rather they're really delicious whole package 12 weeners okay open the wieners

there we go if you don't mind i'll just have one here when we chat well okay okay they are delicious oh and they're raw oh so raw Okay, get out. What? We get the point. You're effeminate. You're not gay. You're just effeminate.

Would you like a weaner? No, out. Are you kicking me out? Yes, we get it. It's done. Well, I haven't finished eating my weeners. No, get out. Get out with your weeners.

Get out. Okay, okay. Touchy-feely. Thank you for coming in, Daniel Daphne. It's Daphne. out get out I figured since you're a broadcaster you can play some of my favorite music

no that's not what we do here this is mostly talk now get out just one song no get out what are you doing what is it I'm just playing a song no listen to this part someone to sing me No, stop it.

Out. Just one song. Out! Roger, what the hell was that? This is the type of guest I'm getting in here? We've got to have a guy that needs to talk about being a feminine. Alone in the dark, but now you've come along. One, two, three, four.

Out! Out! Out! Out! You give out! Get out of here! To carry a... Out! Out! Hey, everybody, this is Harland Williams with you on the Harland Highway, and we're rolling along, and I have a special guest in on my show today.

It's my cousin. It's nice to have family dropped by the work now and then. My cousin Kevin Hearn, he's the lead singer and the founding member of a band called Thinbuckle. Hi, Kev. Hi, Har. Where's your Thimbuckle? Do you have a MySpace or a website or something? We have a MySpace and a website.

You can find it under Kevin Hearn.com or Kevin Hearn and Thinbuckle on MySpace. And I guess we should also let them know that you're in a band called, The Bare Naked Ladies, too, right? Yep. Keyboard player, extraordinaire, accordion player. Guitar. Guitar. Bongo drums.

Cazoo. Give her play anything weird, like a sitar? I've been playing the saw lately, the bowed saw. Oh, man. You've been doing some lumberjack concerts or something? Yep. Hey, you know what I don't know about you, even though you're my cousin? I don't know what your favorite cereal is, man.

Well, I go through phases. What do you mean? Well, I'll eat one cereal for a few months, and then I'll switch it up. Well, like, what did you eat last month? Mini-weets. Frosted mini-weets? Yep. Crunchy wheat.

Nicely sweet. Kellogg's frosted mini-weets. Remember that commercial? Yeah. And those little square guys with the icing on them are standing there? And the eyes with arms and legs? Yeah, and that's scare you? That's like eating a bowl.

of midgets. Well, they remove those before they put them in the box. Wait a minute. They dismember the mini-weets? What about their eyes? Well, they're removed. So they, it's like they skin them. Well, yeah, I don't like to mix, you know,

meat with my cereal. How does that make you feel? You're like Hannibal Lecter, dude. They have strawberry mini-weeds now. I don't want to know about them. All right, so you did mini-weets last week and what about like what's your latest cereal fad well i sort of have a sweet tooth so sometimes

i'll get a box of golden grams that's my standby oh those golden grams oh those golden grams crunchy crunchy crunchy crunchy crunchy crunchy golden wheat yeah i don't know this song thanks for helping me out how about frankenberry ever eat that no too scary for you i don't think we can get that in canada where i live oh really you're from canada huh You know that. I know. I'm trying to sound like I'm doing an interview here, and I don't know stuff. Oh.

Okay, but I guess it doesn't work because we grew up together and we're cousins. So that was my faux pa, okay? Fair enough. Well, that cereal is, that's like the equivalent of eating two chocolate bars of all of that. What? Eating a bowl of any sweet cereal like that, Frankenberry, Count Chocula. So I should just eat two chocolate bars? Well.

Tell people I just have. I had a bowl of, like, corn pops? I don't get your logic. Well, that's the nutritional... You know, I think a lot of parents feed their kids these cereals, and they're really not that good for you. Oh, great. Well, there goes our cereal sponsors.

Thanks a lot there, buddy. Thanks for shutting down my show for me. Glad I had you on. Why don't you go eat a mini-whip person? No problem. Jeez. Yep, there he is, my cousin again. Every now and then he pops in, and we talk about absolutely nothing.

But like I said, you can catch Kevin on the internet. He has a website, Kevin Herne.com, and you can be exposed to his wonderful talents, his music, his humor, his artwork, his, you know, whatever he's got going, you can find it at Kevin Hearn.com. And how about you? What's your favorite kind of cereal and why? Screw my cousin. I want to know from you, people. You want to give me a call? 323-215-1486.

That's 3-2-3-215-14-86. And are you one of those people like me? I just, I don't know why I do this, but I cannot just eat one bowl of cereal, man. Like, if I sit down and have a bowl of cereal, it inevitably leads to a second and a third and a fourth. I'm not kidding. Sometimes I'll go through a whole box of cereal in a day. It's just so fun to eat.

And the sugary stuff, yeah, it's amazing. Like peanut butter Captain Crunch is my favorite and Count Chocula and even Cheerios, man. You throw enough sugar, raw sugar on your Cheerios. delish um you know i i just love it it's addictive you know and then on top of the cereal what kind of milk do you put on your cereal okay uh you know the smart person puts the no fat milk but how many of you are like me you're like you know what milk isn't just milk you know milk tastes a lot milkier when it's milkier. You know, they got like, you know, no fat milk, 1% fat, 2% fat.

Yeah, I like a little thickness to my milk. So when I have the cereal, I like the 2% milk. And then suddenly I'm not only getting, you know, all the calories from the sugary cereal, but I'm getting all that fat from the milk. It's just to lose, lose. But it tastes so good to kill yourself, doesn't it? No, not me. I won't jump off a building.

I won't get the razor blades. I won't do the Russian roulette. I'll just slowly count chocula myself to death. I'm going to Frankenberry myself to death in a bathtub. Fill the bathtub full of milk and pour in the frankenberry and just eat myself to death. Ooh, count chocula. Booberry. Oh, Frankenberry.

Oh, what a dingleberry. All right. Well, now I'm hungry. I've got to go get a bowl of cereal. Man, why don't you go get one, too? And we'll catch you next time right here on the Harland Highway. And I want to say, until next time, have a happy bowl of cereal. But you know, I got to say, until next time, chicken chalemaine, baby.

Frankenberry has strawberry-flavored sweetheat. as chocolate sweeties. And blueberry with blueberry with blueberry flavored sweeties.