The Harland Highway - Podcast 104

Episode Date: April 28, 2010

A visit from James T. Kirk, discipline in the USA, the bald eagle, organic foods, car navigation. Simple as a pimple! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is Harland Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Captain's Log, star date 5-793-2-5-7-9-25-4-7-9-3. First officer Spock has beamed down to the surface of Planet Vulcan to be reunited with his family, so I must bring him... Hey, Kirk! I must bring him... Kirk! What are you doing here?

I am attempting to beam back my first officer from the planet Vulcan. No, no, you're not. I don't know how you get in here into my studio. I'm commanding the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. No, no, this isn't the Starship Enterprise. This is my studio where we do the Harlan Highway, okay? I must beam Spock up from the Planet Vulcan so that we may rendezvous with Starfleet command. No. No, no, no. You're not beaming anyone up, Kirk. You're not,

these are radio dials, okay? They don't beam people up. They don't shoot lasers. Well, I must beam spark up from... No. None of them work. Go ahead. Try a button. Try a button, Kirk. Let's see you beam someone up. Very well, then I will beam spark up. Go ahead. See? What happened? Nothing, right? Clearly there's a malfunction in the... Try it again. Go ahead. Try it. I can't seem to figure out why... Spock isn't manifesting here in the bridge of Starship Enterprise.

No, no, no. Now, will you get out of here? Obviously it doesn't work. I must call Scotty and have him repair. the transporter be... No! You're not calling, Scotty. You're not calling anyone. This isn't the Starship Enterprise.

Hello, Scotty. This is Captain James T. Kirk calling for technical assistant. Stop it! I must have you get up here immediately and repair the console so that we may... Stop it! We may beam.

First officer, Spock back to the ship. Get out of here! Go ahead. See if Scotty answers. Scotty, this is Captain James T. Kirk, are you there? See, no one's answering. Scotty, come in, Scotty. No one's answering, Kirk.

Ah, yes, Captain. I'm down here in the other room, Captain. I'm gonna come up and fix the console. Okay, Kirk, come on. Uh, what's the problem? Are you, I saw you plug in your nose and doing a Scottish accent? I'm not sure what you're talking about You pretended to be Scotty right there

Captain, is there something wrong on the bridge, sir? There, you just did it again. I'm not sure what you're talking about. Get out of here! Take Scotty and your Fulton potato and your tractor beams and everything else. I think I'm going to have you escorted off the bridge. No, you're not getting me a squeak out!

But I must beam. Out. Scotty, help me. I'm coming, Captain. I'm on my way up. Stop plugging your nose. Get out. An idiot. How does that moron get in here all the time? Thinking my console is the bridge of the freak. Do you mind if I call Dr. Bones?

Get out of here! I need to catch my breath. We'll be right back after this. Oh, boy, rolling down the Harland Highway here with your host, Harland Williams. And if you're getting a little tired behind the wheel, pull off. There's a Starbucks at every exit. Can't miss them. Just in the last 10 seconds I've been talking to you, I just passed, hold on, let's see, 37.

There are a lot of Starbucks, people. and you either love them or you don't love them but I'll tell you one thing that Starbucks has made life easier for is anybody in their car have the on-star tracking system, the on-star

you know you press it and you get directions you know what I'm talking it's right up there in your overhead right by the rearview mirror the on-star button well I just got something brand new. It's called the On Star Bucks

button. The On Star Bucks. I used to have the OnStar. You know, I'd get lost and I'd press it and it'll be like, go three miles to the end of Smith Street. Take left, go nine miles down Highway 7. Go right to

circle square and left to destination. Jimmy's Waffle Hot. Well, you know, that was kind of good, but this is even easier. Now that there's so many Starbucks, they're everywhere, I just press my On Starbucks, and I get, Go three miles to Starbucks, turn left, and go two miles to Starbucks.

When you see the Starbucks, turn right and go four miles to Starbucks. Circle around to Starbucks. Come back, seven miles to Starbucks, take a left to Starbucks, and you will be at your destination. Starbucks. So there you go. The world of coffee, keeping you awake, getting you to where you need to go. Happy cappuccino, frappuccino, Al Pacino, Charlie Shino, here on the Harlan Highway. Let me ask you something, America.

Do you see America as a type of parent, okay? Let's say we have America, and let's say America had to be a type of parent. Do you see America nowadays, and I'm talking about right now, not 20, 30, 40, 50 years ago, right now? Do you see America as one of those parents where the parents like, okay, you kids do your homework, go to your room? going here for the weekend i'm doing this i'm doing that that's all there is to it come on let's go or do you see america as this type of parent okay kids can can you please um clean up your rooms no okay but after the video games and well we can't eat meat because we're going to upset the neighbors

they don't like meat oh you kids have some granola bars and I don't know. Let's all try and get along and be happy, okay? No, that's not wrong. We better, you know what I mean? You got the authoritative parent, the parent that administers discipline, the parent that seems in control,

knows what's right, knows what's wrong, you know, makes decisions based on power and strength, and what's good for the family, what's good for the child's development or at least perceives it to be good, you know, creates the image that it's good and is kind of working for the good. Or do you have the wishy-washy parent

who's trying to make everybody happy who's getting pushed around by their own kid who the neighbors think is a sap and a wimp and a pushover and then I ask you, what kind of America do we live in today? And I'm talking about the rest of the world looking in at us. Because I hate to say it, folks, and I'm sure you already know where I'm going with this. I think we might be the second one.

Yeah, I think we've gone from being that in-control parent, that strong parent with a perspective and a point of view. and a direction to that kind of flimsy, like, let's make everybody happy. Let's not offend anybody. I don't believe in this or that, and we can't do this because of that, and let's spread granola all over our bodies and jump around and some Vaseline. Have we become that kind of parent? I don't know, man.

I'm getting a little worried. I'm getting worried that. that America's become so like self-help bookish and so like Dr. Philish and Oprah-ish and so internalized and spiritual and metaphysical. And we love everyone and we have to help everyone, which are not bad things, but have you ever heard the term letting your guard down you know

I just don't feel like we're the America that has the backbone it used to have and I'm not taking anything away from the military I mean if there is a backbone in this country it's those men and women but I don't know man you know I saw a thing on the news where

you know America's working on disarming its nuclear capabilities its nuclear warhead system is antiquated. Meanwhile, Russia's like modernizing their nuclear weapons. And who knows what China's doing? You know, China to me is like the sneaky little tiger in the bushes, man. They're just sitting here and watching us self-destruct. They're watching us get weaker.

They're buying a lot of our land. We owe them like $72 trillion. They could shut our economy down if they wanted to. They have a gigantic military. They have a gigantic nuclear arsenal. They are a communist country. Even though they seem to have applied some, you know, democratic... Hey, everybody.

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over whose tabla is louder, whose charger is faster, and while watching the same cartoon for the hundredth time is a human right? Yep. We totally have vehicles to handle the that because whether it's a road trip or a business trip where your flights delayed, your phone's at 2% and your dinner is weather is open? Yeah, here for that too. Enterprise, we're here for it. Principles to the marketplace over there, it still doesn't take away from who and what the government is. Make no mistake, that is a communist regime and they do things a little differently around there. Okay?

They're the opposite of what we are. We are a capitalist society, a free society. They are a suppressed society, a controlling society. And you think they're sitting around going, oh, what? We don't want to ruffle anyone's feathers.

We better put the vegetarians here and the whale lovers here and the Democrats and the black. and the whites and the Mexicans and the Jewish and the Christian and we better give everybody what they want and I don't know man look it sucks because we live in a place that's all about freedom but man what if the very freedom we cherish is no longer strengthening us but

weakening us because there's so many freedoms that everybody gets to have a say you know everybody gets to pull on the house of cards so to speak and i know you might not like the sound of this this might not be something you want to hear me say and i don't even know if it's true but you ever get the feeling about something i'm just throwing it out there more than anything i'm asking you the listeners what what state of affairs is this country in are the other countries that would do us harm just sitting back and laughing and, you know, just kind of rolling their eyes at what we do and the money we spend and how we're trying to help everyone else.

Well, they sit back and build their military and plot and scheme and use all the freedoms that this country offers to sneak in behind the curtains and actually use those freedoms against us? Are there people, are there entities, are there governments right now that are using our openness to chisel away at the foundation of this country, to watch this country fall to the ground and shatter?

Yeah, don't pretend for one minute that America is just going to be America forever. Most people probably have it, oh, we're the United States. America, we're the number one superpower. Guess what? Everything comes to an end. And the worst part of it is

when it comes to an end and you're the reason for it because you let your guard down. You went on this principle of, oh, let's just be nice to everyone and let's shake hands and, you know, if we're really nice and friendly and we don't act aggressive, then it'll just rub off on the rest of the world. and everything will be a great big powder puff.

I don't know, man. Look, it would be nice. But you know what? There's always a bully in the schoolyard. There's always illegal gangs. There's always the Hells Angels and the mafia. And they don't care, man. They can't wait for you to get all mushy and roll over

and show your weak spots. Because that's when they rush in and bash your kneecaps in. and take over. I'm not saying the mafia and hell's angels to take over, but I'm talking about bigger, bigger entities, bigger forces, militaries, governments. Are they sitting there right now watching the United States dissolve? Because we're trying to be the doctor-fill of all countries and help everyone and talk it out and try and show everyone.

that there's a way to do this and you need a time out Iraq and China take a time out but when you're finished we're going to sit here and talk and I'm going to nourish you and I'm going to nourish you emotionally and wait what are you doing what are you doing why are you sticking a nuclear weapon up my butt ah I don't know I'm just expressing my feelings I feel like I feel like everything's moving in a weird way we're going to a place where we're vulnerable maybe

I don't know I don't know what China's doing hiding behind its communist government I don't know what Russia's doing do you think all these guys love us and want to be all as touchy-feely as we want to be with them I doubt it man everyone wants to be on top

you know China and Russia don't want to be below the United States why wouldn't they one day just go you know what we've been watching them for like three decades now we've had infiltrators inside the country we know how to shut down their power grids we know how to shut down their transportation we know how to shut down their economy

today's the day let's go in and get them And just like that, a hostile takeover and suddenly it's the United States of China or the USS. Yeah, just something to think about. I'm not trying to put the fear of God in. And you might be sitting there going, Williams, you're a dillweed, man. Where the hell do you come up with your theories? Okay, look, I know we still have weapons.

I know we still got the Trident submarines floating around. in the ocean and they could annihilate anything, but I don't know, the more I watch the news and politicians and all these, you know, specialty groups that are whining and crying about, I want this, I want that. I'm protected under the Constitution, and my rights were violated, and I get this, and I just demand that, and then everything, everyone wants so much that there's just nothing left.

Everything's just been packed away. I don't know. Just throwing it out there, man. Food for thought. Food for thought. Well, ladies and gentlemen, rejoice here on the Harland Highway. Today is the day that the American Bald Eagle has officially been taken off the endangered species list. Yes, old baldy is back.

so if you see a big giant bird flying over your house with a bald head get the rogain and put it in the bird feeder the bird of prey should swoop down and sit down and gobble right in front of your eyes you and the family can sit there and watch our national bird eating rogain and trying to put some hair on its head I mean who the hell named

The bald eagle, man. You don't see other birds flying around with hairdoes, huh? There's the Tony Home Permanent Sea Osprey. And over there, there's the Afro Sparrow. And over there, we've got the pigtailed tree nutcracker. You know, bald eagle. What the hell's that all about? I don't know.

I'll call the Audubon Society and lodge a formal complaint on behalf of the United States of America. All right, people, keep your hair on your heads. Don't hit any bald eagles as you're wailing down the Harland Highway. How many of you have actually ever seen the national bird? How many of you, and I don't mean, you know, somebody cuts you off in traffic and flips you the finger? Okay, that is not the national. bird. I'm talking about the bald eagle. Have you ever seen one in the wild?

I don't mean at a zoo. I mean out in the wild. They are something to behold, man. Beautiful birds. I've had a few good run-ins with bald eagles. I was up in northern Canada once at a remote like lumber camp fishing all by myself out in the middle of nowhere, literally. and all of a sudden I'm sitting there and something splashes into the lake right in front of me like out of nowhere. It's like something fell out of the sky

and it was like quite a big splash. I was like, what the hell was that? I look up, there's a beautiful bald eagle flying just up above me. And I was like, what the hell did that thing drop something in the water? Did you try to dive bomb me? So I got my fishing line and I cast it out. There was clearly some type of object floating in the water. And I casted my line out and I was able to hook in and pull this thing in.

It was the head of a bunny rabbit. Wow. I was like impressed but also scared. I was also like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this like a, is this like a mafioso warning? Like, is this similar to the guy that woke up with the horse head in his bed? Was this the bald eagle's way of staking out his territories? Like, hey, yo, what the hell are you doing on my lake, man?

Huh? This is my forest, huh? You better get your ass out of you. I see you around here again. This is what's going to happen to you, okay? Yeah, that's right. It's a rabbit's head. Fungula, huh?

I'm like, wow, okay, I get the message. And then I was back the next day fishing, of course, and he showed up with eight of his bald buddies, and they sprayed me with Tommy guns. G.B! Ah! No, that didn't really happen, but the rabbit head did. And then another, um,

sighting. I've had many sightings, but I'm giving you the one of the two, a couple of the ones that really stuck out. I was canoeing in the Rocky Mountains in British Columbia. This little lake, not a huge lake, but this thing was aqua green

and it was still as glass and the reflections of the snow-peaked mountains and the trees were, we're in the water. You almost couldn't tell where the landscaped end and the water began. It was almost something right out of an oil painting. Like, honestly, it was almost like it wasn't real.

It was so beautiful, right? So here I am canoeing around this lake with my girlfriend, no one around, and we see a big bald eagle sitting right on the tip of a pine tree or a spruce tree, right on the very tip. Like just like a wildlife painting ready to happen, right? And we're getting closer and closer, and all of a sudden this thing launches itself out of the tree, giant wingspan, goes right down, just skirts the top of this glass lake, and right in front of us, reaches down with those big yellow and black talons, with the big claws, and he plucks a fish, a good size, probably a pound and a half, two-pound fish, right off the top of the water. the thing was dying or sick or just plucked it up

and it was all in one fluid, smooth motion. It was just nature at its finest, man. Just rhythmic and beautiful and, oh, just wonderful, wonderful to see. So it's scary to think that at one point that this beautiful bird, the bald-ass eagle, was at the door of extinction.

knock knock knock knock knock hello yeah it's me bald eagle come on in hello mr extinction hello loser what wait a minute what loser you're all done wait wait yeah yeah so many species go extinct every day every week every year i'm not even going to tell you go on and google it you'll be amazed at how many species go extinct in a year around the world. Are you even aware of it? Do you even care? Does it phase you?

Or you're like, oh, whatever, man, I got to go to the Dodgers game. It turns out a tropical tree toad went extinct in the Amazon forest today. Yeah, whatever, man. Come on, I got to watch ER. CSI Miami's on in half an hour. What a tree toad. Yeah, that's pretty much the attitude, I think. But someday, man, I think it's going to catch up to us.

All these things are interconnected, as you know, right? The tree toad eats the fly that carries the disease to the deer, the deer that eats the grass, that creates the oxygen for the forest. You know what I'm talking about. the ecosystem man you're going to be surprised how many things go extinct every year

some of you might not have even known you thought oh that's the old days dinosaurs and the dodo bird now we have zoos and we've got world wildlife fun and green peas nothing goes extinct wrong massive amounts of species

go extinct every year it's frightening What do you do about it? What do you do about it? You just go, whatever. Is there anything you can do about it? Right? Let's say you live in like New Jersey.

How do you stop a toad going extinct in the Brazilian rainforest? I don't know. But the approach to not do anything about it is to just go, whatever, move on, you know. But maybe it's time people, you know, got on the internet and looked at ways they can help. Poor little toads, huh? What happens if all the toads go extinct?

And then all the bald eagles have nothing to swoop down on and pull the heads off of? Oh, it's a delicate, delicate balance. but I don't want to get too deep into it, man, right? Because we all got to eat, we all got to live. Maybe the answer is like organic food, right? Living off the land. But then doing that, don't we take the land or the critters live that we're making extinct?

Oh, it's a vicious psycho and something stinks. I'll tell you that. Something extinks. What are we going to do? Someone get me some organic lettuce right now. Hey, it's Harland Williams with you here on the Harland Highway, and how many you find folks eat organic? You know, the farm-grown stuff with no pesticides, no chemicals, no MSG, no nothing, no flavor.

I've tried it, man. You know, I've tried to go to Whole Foods or, you know, the local food. farmer's market and, you know, no junk in my food routine. And it's good. It tastes yummy. It's not bad, but I don't know. You get into, like, the packaged products, like the cookies and the cereals, the candies. You know, the stuff that requires tons and tons of sugar and chemicals and fake food coloring.

You know the stuff. I don't know, man. I've tried the organic. cookies and the organic cereal. They ain't no Oreos and they ain't no lucky charms. I'll tell you that, man. Hmm, look at this chocolate chip

cookie. Totally organic. Looks like a normal chocolate chip cookie. Look at all the chunks of chocolate. Look at the joey texture. Let me put it in my mouth. Oh, tastes like I'm eating an earplug. Gross. Oh, look at this breakfast cereal. Oh, look at the

funny box. It's all full of colors and I'll pour it in. It looks a little weird. I'll eat it and mmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Tastes like I'm eating foam chips from a pillow. I don't know, man. I'm all for people

being healthy, eating healthy, but you know what? Back a dump truck into my cereal box and dump a load of sugar. Soak my cookies and MSG. marinate them in chemicals do whatever you have to do man

because I got to have my junk in my food that's what they call it junk food maybe someday when I pack up and retire and go live on a farm I'll wander out the front door and eat a turn up gobble down an ear of corn chew some raw sugar cane but until then I'm sorry man

organic this I want my junk here on the always sugary Harland Highway Oh yes Oh yes Oh yes oh yes

Organics I hope you're finding this podcast organic I mean it couldn't be any more organic This production has done at a very organic level I have

I have little elves and midgets and freaks working behind the scenes. All organic. They're all naked. They're all doing it for free. There's no attachments. It's just organic. It's just all flowing in the wind, flapping in the breeze. And speaking of organic, this is the organic end to today's podcast.

I hope you had a groovelicious time. I know I did. I hope you did. And I guess the only organic thing I can offer you until next time is a great big bowl of organic chicken chow main, baby.