The Harland Highway - Podcast 106

Episode Date: May 3, 2010

Snoring, baseball, pillow mints and snacking, eating, toothpicks. Merry milk shake sauce! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good evening, Space Cadets. This is your captain, Harlan Williams, here, and we are about to lift off on the Harland Highway. Yes, welcome, everybody. Welcome aboard. Here we go with another podcast for your entertainment and mine, I guess, because I have to do them. So this is a two-way relationship here.

And what a show today? And I hope I don't catch you doing any of this during the podcast, but snoring. Yeah, we're going to be talking about snoring today. We're going to be talking about sleeping habits in general and what kind of role do they play in your relationship? It seems like a throwaway topic when it comes to choosing a mate. But believe me, things can go really wrong

if you've got someone who doesn't sleep well. Baseball season's heating up. We're going to be going to a ballpark and listening to a part of a ball game with our color commentators, Tom and Tom. We're going to be talking about pillow mints and mini bars and the little things that hotels entice us with when we go for a stay. I'm going to be talking about eating all the goodies they put out and eating in general and how food gets stuck in your teeth

and the joy of toothpicks. Yes, that's how provocative it is here today on the show you love, the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway.

Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy Hi, Hi, this is Harland Williams with another helpful tip for you here on the Harland Highway Having trouble with a partner, a spouse who snores all night

Keeping you awake with that loud, grinding nasal passage well once the snoring starts you know your partner's in a deep sleep carefully drag them out to the driveway and place them in the front seat of the car put the car in drive release the emergency brake and let your partner roll down a hill and blow up when he hits the wall climb back in bed and enjoy the silence and have a wonderful long night sleep. Just another friendly tip for you here on the Harland Highway.

Don't you just hate snorers? Huh? People who snore. Yikes! It is tough, man. It is tough to sleep around them. It is tough to be around them. There was a point in my life where I lived in Germany for a while. And, you know, out of the...

economic situation and being in a strange place and whatnot. I ended up bunking in with one of my best buddies. We had to share a room in this house, and he had a bed, and I had like a mattress on the floor, and it was a pretty big room. You know, I'd kind of sleep at one end. He'd sleep at the other, but I would have to try and race to get to sleep. I would have to try and speed sleep,

because if I didn't get to sleep before he did, it was it's like I was a medieval night, and I was lost in a rainstorm, and I pulled myself into a cave, and I started to fall asleep on the rocks and realized I wasn't leaning on a rock. I was leaning on the belly of a dragon. good lord it was torture man and what was funny about it is i had to throw stuff at him

i had to throw socks they had to throw pants had to throw shoes and it was great it would give me like maybe a five six minute window and he wouldn't say anything because i think he knew he was a snorer so he'd be like i ding him with an article of clothing or a CD or something, bong! Everything would go silent. And I'd have about five, six minutes, and then if I didn't fall asleep in that little window, it would start up again.

And sometimes there were nights when I felt like a worn-out pitcher after a no-hitter. Okay, my throwing arm was so sore, I had to ice it from all the amounts of time, number of times I had to throw something at this snore machine and then even worse and this this is a marriage tip this is a boyfriend girlfriend marriage tip okay it seems incidental it seems like a small little thing but trust me if you get married this will be huge find out before you get married if you know what's good for you if your future partner snores, not only snores, but has erratic sleeping patterns, has trouble sleeping, has coughing fits in the middle of the night, has twitchy leg syndrome, farts all night, drools, whatever. It's something you don't really think about when you get married, you think, oh, my God,

I'm getting married, and I'm going to be able to sleep beside the one I love every night and hold them and spoon and blah, blah, blah. guess what? You go out with the same person long enough. You get to a point in bed sometimes where you don't even want to be touched. You're just like, this is my side, that's your side, go to sleep. You turn your back on them.

And, you know, sometimes it's just hard to sleep when there's other people making contact with you. I mean, usually when you start a relationship, it's great. You just hold each other and you feel the body heat and it's good and you don't. care if your arm falls asleep or your leg falls off. But then once you get to know that person and you start to see these irregular, erratic patterns emerge during the sleep,

I had a girl once who will remain nameless who every night at two or three in the morning would throw a coughing fit of ginormous proportions, okay? It was almost like it was on cue, Like there was a cough fairy in the room And she would like sit up and be like And this was like a hot young girl, okay? But guess what?

She was a smoker. So, well, she lived it up smoking all day. Come two, three in the morning. Her lungs are like paybacks of bitch, biotch. She was like gasping and wheezing it for air. So initially it just would wake me up And I'd be like, oh my God Then I'd fall back asleep, right?

But the coughing became so intense, so violent That I got to a place that when I went to bed I would anticipate that two, three o'clock in the morning You know, target that she would always hit And so I found myself not being able to fall asleep Until she had her coughing fit which like I said was into the wee hours of the morning. So you do the math, man.

I ended up getting like two, three hours sleep a night. Because, you know, once seven or eight o'clock rolls around, the sun comes up, it's hard to sleep no matter how tired you are. So her problem quickly became my problem, and it started to affect my health. When you don't get enough sleep and when you go to bed stressed, because you're waiting for something, you're anticipating something?

Forget about it, man. Your health starts to spiral. And I've met people who said they've had partners who fart a lot in the sleep and people who talk in the sleep. There's a lot of things that happen in the sleep, fidgeting and flipping and flopping and hogging the covers and sleeping's a bigger deal.

deal than you thought. So here's what I'm going to say to you. If everything seems perfect in your relationship, you're going to get married, you're going to buy her a ring, whatever. Take the time to see if you're compatible when you're supposed to be so-called sleeping. Because if that don't work, man, you are in to rob ball. Okay. Now, the next thing I want... What? What? What? What? What? Oh, oh. Oh, excuse me, folks. I nodded off during my own rant there. What's that say about my podcast? Yikes. sleep here's uh here's something that some say is uh the perfect way to put you to sleep i disagree but uh the game of baseball uh i really like it i got to admit when i was a kid i thought it was a bit slow it was a bit sleep but once you pick a team and root for a team and know the rules it can

be very very exciting and with spring here upon us baseball season is just getting underway and uh You know, the duties of some of the people involved in baseball is to help keep the game exciting, keep it alive, not have it make us fall asleep. And that is the job of the color commentators who sit up in the booth and call the game. And, you know, sometimes they maybe call it a bit too much. So let's get out there into baseball world and see if we can pick up. a game somewhere and listen to the color commentary for this year's baseball season. Let's go to anywhere town in America and pick up a Major League Baseball game as called by our announcers Tom and Jerry.

Well, here we go, Tom. It's an opening day for baseball here. And what a wonderful day it is. We've got a cloudless sky. and it looks like thousands and thousands of people have come out for the opening day of Major League Baseball. Wow. Oh, man. Yeah. Now, you want to talk about a wonderful day to play baseball. Just look at that sky. Not a cloud in it. That's what I just said, Tom. Oh, man. Look at that cloudless sky. Baby blue.

That's right, Tom. Like blue eye shadow on a burnt-out hippie. Tom, we get the blue thing. Oh, man. Wow. So here we go. It looks like the players are taking the field. There's Manny Rodriguez stepping up onto the pitcher's mound. He'll be pitching today to number 33 slugger Kicho Van Zuelas.

And here comes the wind up. There's the throw to the plate. And it's a strike call for strike one. Oh, man. Now, you want to talk about a young pitcher throwing some heat. That kid threw a thunderblaster. That's right, Tom. He threw a Quebec heater.

Tom oh he really put some mustard on that one we get it Tom so here we go now it looks like Donnie Chisdleton will step up to the plate he settles in here comes the wind up there's the throw and it's a hit he's hit it slugged up into the air it's going back back back back back back back back back back back back and it drops just down inside the first baseline for a home run this is Harland Williams oh man that kid really cracked a light ball Tom hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me and Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any

item plus free shipping and more than that Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland

so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Ah, yes, baseball. And what is baseball without the snacks, right? I mean, you ever catch yourself going to an event, and it's not so much the event you're going to? It's the snacks. It's the food. I'll be honest.

I love going to the movies, but part of going to the movies is the snack bar. There's just something fun about going to the snack bar and getting snacks and sitting in the dark and eating your treats will you watch a movie and I think sometimes you know when you go through a spell when movies aren't that good there's always times during the year where it's all these great blockbusters and you know but every now and then they're like a month or three weeks goes by where none of the movies are that good or they don't appeal to you or you're sitting on

the fence and your borderline right you're like I don't really want to go to that, but, man, a nice hot jug of popcorn and a Coke and a hot dog would be good. Yeah, I'm going to go to that movie, right? Yeah, you know you do it. And then the same thing goes for, like, sporting events. I'll never forget one side I was at a baseball game with about six or seven buddies. A whole group of us went, and, you know, four. of us sat in one row and then four of us sat in the row behind the first row of friends so our

buddies were sitting in front of us and you know everyone was wearing a baseball hat and there's this one girl sitting in front of us and I ordered a bag of peanuts you know the ones that you have to crack out of the shell like you're a chipmunk or something yeah give me some peanuts over here going into hibernation in about three weeks I need a whole bag like a three pound bag of those peanuts got a store up for the winter stuff them in my cheeks and put them in my little den we got a hole in a pine tree but uh what happened is i started cracking the shells open and uh eating the peanuts and just because i'm always a goofy guy looking to entertain myself i put uh one of the peanut shells the empty peanut shells on this girl's baseball hat in front

of us. Okay? And I realized that the shells are so light, those little peanut shells, that she couldn't feel it. So then I started putting another one and another one, and then my other three buddies who were sitting back there were sharing the peanuts with me. They started stacking them. And I'm not kidding. Before long, she had like a stack. It had to be like five inches high on top of her baseball hat. And it looked literally like she was standing under a roof full of snow, and the snow slid off the roof and landed on her. And there was like a pile on her head.

Right? So there she was with a stack of peanut shells on her head. No, but she didn't know. Everyone else around her knew, and we started giggling and laughing, and we're trying not to let her catch on, and we're trying not to laugh out loud, but, you know, eventually, when people are laughing all around you

and you're not laughing at all, you kind of start to realize, wait a minute, what's up here? What are they doing to me? Why are they laughing, and I'm not? And as she started to turn her head from side to side to look at everyone, it started raining peanut shells, and that's when the jig was up. But it was a riot, man.

See how easily I amuse myself? And maybe that's why I do this podcast. I hope this podcast amuses you as much as it amuses me. But either way, I am certainly glad you're here, you sweet little naughty, dirty little chipmunks. Letters, oh, we get letters. Okay, so here's an easy. email question sent in by Timothy Baxter. He emailed me at the Harland Highway. Timothy asked me

why they put the little chocolate mince on your pillow when you stay at a hotel. And that's a very good question. And I started thinking, Timothy, why do they put those little chocolate mints on your pillow? I mean, if they really wanted to make us happy, why don't you come into your room at the end of the day and there's a nice plate of lamb chops with whipped potatoes and steamed vegetables and then on the other pillow they got a nice slice of lemon meringue pie okay because a little piece of chocolate ain't getting it done for me Timothy I want something I can sink my teeth then all a little piece of chocolate does is get me going I eat the little round chalk and I'm like damn that was good now I want something bigger to eat and there ain't nothing here

Oh, wait a minute, there is. There's another piece of chocolate in my mini bar. Yeah, there's a Snickers bar sitting there staring at me. Hmm, I wonder how much that is. Could it be the price it is at 7-Eleven? 70 cents? Oh, no, look at that. It's only $43 if I take it from my mini bar. Yeah, I could rent a car for less money.

Yeah, the old mini bar trick. That's why they put chocolates on your pillows, man. It's for play. They're teasing you, man. They're wetting your appetite. So you have a little nibble, a little round, silver dollar-sized chocolate bite. And then they hook you. And you need more.

And you go to the mini bar and start eating all the junk in there and have to mortgage your house all because of the pillow bait. Don't do it, people. Throw your chocolate out into the night sky. Save your life savings. Send your kids to college, or better yet, buy them a new car, and send them down the Harland Highway. Yeah, those mini bars, man, they're a trap.

And a lot of the hotels now you go into, you walk in, and the stuff's not even in the mini bar anymore. Now they have like a little basket that they leave out. where you can see it where it's staring at you every second of every moment you're in your hotel room and there's like the cheesy popcorn and the mini chocolate chip cookies and the baby can of pringles and the M&M's plane and peanut and the Snickers bar and the Milky Way bar and blah blah blah blah blah blah and it's just sitting there and if you're at a hotel for a weekend three four days that's like be honest If you were at home, would you go to 7-Eleven, buy all that junk, and just set it out on your table and arrange it in a little basket and pretend that you wouldn't eat it?

Please, you're going to eat it, and they know that. So they put it out there, and, you know, you're wandering around in your hotel room and they're like, okay, I'm not going to eat all that stuff. But you know what? One Snickers bar is okay. I'll eat one bar. And I'm here at all Sunday. It's only Thursday. I'll have one bar, whoopie-do.

And then you go out that night, and you're out having some fun, and you come in a little late, and you've got the munchies, and you're like, ooh, that little baby can of Pringles. I should probably have that. And maybe the popcorn just to, you know, take the edge off.

So now you're down. items and then the next day you're sitting on your computer doing emails and you're like god i could use a snap wait a minute what's that over there hello milky way chocolate bar hello and you get the picture before you know it all the damn stuff's gone and you're a fat pig and you've spent about you know three and a half million dollars on the triple overpriced hotel snack foods yeah i'll admit it you get me every time way to go hotels hope you're proud of yourself can't say the economy's hurting for the hotel industry they got people like me all over america piging out on the numnums oh lordy lord love us child um and some food is just addictive isn't it

Like pringles? You ever start into a can of pringles? I'll have a couple and put the lid on and put it away. And, you know, the logical side of your brain's telling you to do that. But once you get like four or five pringles in your mouth, something happens to your body. It's like your tongue now controls your whole system. Your brain's not in control anymore.

Your tongue and your mouth. And it's just that flavor. you just need to keep I need more of that flavor I need more of that flavor I need more of that flavor the power of Christ compels you right and so you just keep stuffing man it's like a pizza you ever order pizza on your own I know you have okay think about if you went to a restaurant would you order a whole pizza and eat a whole pizza or eat seven slices no But when you order a pizza at home, man, you're like, that's four slices, that's five slices, that's six slices, seven, you know, you pretty much eat the whole thing.

If you don't, you eat at least half or maybe three quarters. It is weird, man. It is weird. And if you looked at it from a survivalist point of view, all you'd really need is a slice a day slice a pizza a day if that's all you could eat to stay alive would keep you alive but the fact that you eat eight slices in one sitting hello chubby and then when you're done eating everything you got you got to start picking your gums and the cracks in your teeth the spaces in your teeth right because you got pepperoni wedged in there and bacon and there's a piece of green pepper on your

Cuspid, and there's a black olive on your molar. There's a mushroom wrapped around your canine. So what do you do, right? You've got to get the old toothpick and just get all those chunks out of there, huh? Someone get me a toothpick. Oh, man, nothing beats a good old toothpick, right? Yeah, this is Harlan Williams. Pick of my teeth here.

on the Harland Highway. God, don't you love a good toothpick? Especially like, you know, five minutes after you eat, you know? You've had all your food and you're kicking back. You've done your meal. You think it's over. You've done eating for the night. And you get a toothpick going.

And you start kind of picking away. Kind of like a Klondike guy picking for gold. You're just like sticking it in there and then urica you find like a big chunk of meat in between your teeth bonus meat bonus meat bonus meat oh what a tasty treat huh oh there's some roast beef and oh what the hell is that's one of my fillings pretty good you stick it into your gums now you're bleeding all over the place Your toothpick's all red.

Ow! So you let your gums heal up, you rinse out, get another toothpick and do it all again. Yeah, I love it. I love it. Ah. You ever get that? You ever get the bleeding mouth or the bleeding nose? Right?

And does it always seem like, this may sound weird to you, but to me, it's... It's like a different kind of bleeding. Like, I'm not a good blood guy, right? When I cup myself or I bleed or I impale myself or I whatever, lacerate myself, anywhere on my skin, I get really freaked out. In fact, I'll admit it, I'm a fainter. I'm one of these guys when I see my own blood, when I can see into the flesh of my body, when I can pull open a wound

and look in and see muscle and bone and I just, I'm gone. I pass out, I hit the floor. So I'm not good with blood, but for some reason, when you get a bloody nose, where sometimes it can be a lot of blood, I mean, you know,

there can be a lot more blood gushing out of a bloody nose than what comes out of a small cut. or if I get like, you know, if I poke my gums with a toothpick or whatever or something happens and I get blood coming out of my mouth or I bite my lip or I bite my tongue, God forbid. I don't get freaked out by that blood for some reason. I don't know why. I don't understand it.

Maybe if you're a doctor, you can phone me and tell me. I don't know if there's a medical explanation. um but i'm just saying it it just feels like it's a different type of bleeding a different type of blood it's it's not as gross it's not as appalling it's not as shocking you know when i cut my body i'm like oh my god i'm gonna faint when i like get a bloody mouth or a bloody nose i'm like oh yeah i'm bleeding

whoopi-do come get me a Kleenex i got a bloody now my mouth is playing and I'll just go rinse out with some water and uh you know I don't know why it is I don't even know why I brought it up it's just a you know something that was on my mind maybe I'm the only guy that thinks that you can always phone me and tell me what you think 323 215 1486 could always do that pick up the phone but don't pick it up to a abruptly you might hit yourself in the mouth or in the nose and then you're bleeding and you know how it goes from there uh and speaking of bleeding uh the blood has just run out of this podcast my friends i'm sorry to say but uh i do thank you for being here i hope you had a great time

i had a great time talking with you today talking at you talking about you telling you stories yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada um so that is it i hope uh all is going well in your life if it's not try and do something to change it try and do something to bring happiness and joy into your life please smile um and enjoy every second um because uh right now is all we got my friends this is harlem williams from the harland highway saying chicken chow main baby blue eye shadow on a burnt out hippie we get the blue thing oh man wow