The Harland Highway - Podcast 108

Episode Date: May 7, 2010

Mothers day Podcast talking about all things Mother. A visit with Charlie Lee where we discuss his Mother's Day specials... oh, and it is Friday so a visit with Dr. Ascot too. Happy Mo Day Mom's! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Mother, would you mind stepping into the kitchen? It's Mother's Day, and I've whipped you up a Mother's Day omelet. Ooh. Yes, indeed. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I am yours, truly, Harland Williams. I am the son of my mother, Lorraine Williams, and Mother's Day is coming up this weekend.

And I think this show is mostly dedicated to our... beloved mothers. We're going to be talking about your mother, my mother, what kind of mother were they? What kind of parent were they? We're going to be talking about some of the crazy things maybe your mother did, maybe some of the crazy things you did in front of your mother. We're even going to talk a little bit about Father's Day. We're going to be stopping by Charlie Lee's Moonglow restaurant. Because apparently, he told us that he has a special Mother's Day buffet going on

that we're very excited about so we're going to drop by and see what kind of fare he's offering up and just all kinds of mothery things and I guess the only downside to this show is that it's Friday

and I've got a visit with Dr. Ascot but let's not let that ruin Mother's Day this is about the mothers, not about me and my therapy session. So let's do it Mothers, here we go. You're on the Harland Highway. There's one thing we all have in common. We all have a mother.

Mother's Day, this weekend, coming up, don't forget, dear old mama. Yeah, I know. She told you to pick up your toys, and she told you to brush your teeth, and she told you to go take a bath, and she told you to clean up your room. That's what mothers do.

They have to do it, man. Can you imagine if kids just ran amok? It'd be like, Lord of the Flies, man. We'd all be running around with spears and rocks and cities would be on fire. But I digress. What I'm saying is, don't forget to thank your mother, okay? Even if you don't talk to her much anymore, even if you've got to spend like 60, 70 bucks

and go online and, you know, have some, some flower place, deliver some flowers with a card. What's 60-70 bucks compared to the person that gave you life? You probably spend 60-70 bucks a month at McDonald's or on cigarettes or beer. Come on, people. Take care of your mothers. And while you're out there being generous, send me a bouquet of flowers to Harland Williams here at the Harland Highway.

Think of me of the mother you never had. The second mother, what? Okay. All right, my producer's telling me that I went off too long. It's Harland Williams. Send me some flowers. Oh, yes, mothers. Got to love the mothers. I always remember a line from the Three Stoges.

Curly was getting beat up by Larry and Mo. And Curly stopped them in the middle of the beating and said, Hey, wait a minute. They're like, what? You can't hit me. Why not? Because we're related. How's that?

My mother and your mother are both mothers. No, no, no. Woo-woo-bo-bo-bo-bo-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bunk. Um, uh, yeah, that's the level of humor I ride at, people. Uh, but our mother's something. It's weird you go through life and you kind of forget, and not to get too graphic, but you kind of forget where you actually came from. Like, you know that it's your mother.

But how often you really think about the part where you were actually like a living, breathing, like thing inside of her? Whether your mother's big or small, skinny or fat, you lived in her stomach, not her stomach, but in the general area in the womb. You lived in there for almost a year, man. You were like a little pink bald thing swimming around in her body. bloodily fluids, inside of her. It's like a kangaroo, like a little baby kangaroo hiding out in the pouch. Isn't that weird? But as you go through life, you don't ever look at your mother and go,

I used to swim around in her belly, like a little polywag. I was like a little tadpole swimming up Mummy River. Right? Isn't it weird? you just kind of think your mother is your mother and she's as other human being walking the earth but you forget that you came from her belly

and then you forget that you kind of came from something that preceded the belly nine months ago and then you remember that your dad had something to do with it and you remember it was a lustful summer evening and you can't really hear the groans of the orgasm and oh and that's why we don't regress that's why we don't

think back too far we just go that's my mother okay yeah it's too weird thinking of how it really all came together so as far as i'm concerned i just uh stop at immaculate conception me and my four sisters our parents didn't do the nasty nope No, because I can't picture that. I can't think of that. So as far as I'm concerned, we just happened. One day my mother was at the coffee shop. I was like, oh, I'm pregnant.

Oh, Mother Mary, what have you done to me again, God? Oh, there's another one, God. Oh, Lord Jesus. Just somehow I've had another baby. Don't know how, but just here it comes. because I refuse to picture how I was really created, okay? And I think you want to, too. Unless your mother's like Heidi Klum or, you know,

some victorious secret model and Brad Pitt. It's like, do you really want to picture how you started? I know. It's scary. Now, how is your mother? Are you proud of your mother? Do you like your mother? Do you dig your mother?

I dig my mother because she's very multifaceted. My mother has done so much in her life. I'll give you a little bit of a history. She was a social worker. She was a marriage counselor. She was a school teacher. She was the head of the Library Association. She was head of the Right to Life Association.

She's been a singer, she's been a travel writer. She's done so many things. And maybe that's where I get it from, because I tend to like to dabble in everything. But the latest venture my mother has come up with, which I'm very proud of her for. My mother's like in her mid-70s here. And she's just had her first book published. and my mother's name is Lorraine Williams. Her maiden name's O'Donnell.

Lorraine O'Donnell Williams and she just wrote her first book. It's just been published. It's called Memories of the Beach, Reflections on a Toronto childhood. And my mother grew up right on the boardwalk of Lake Ontario in Toronto. For those of you that don't know,

there's a whole beach section, okay? Kind of like in New Jersey. Jersey, and, you know, you ever hear those romantic places where there's the boardwalks right on the water? Well, my mother's house was right on the boardwalk. They had some land, and then their front door, their front veranda went out onto their grass, and then their grass met the boardwalk. The boardwalk met the sand, and the sand met one of the Great Lakes, Lake Ontario, which is, for those of you that don't, don't know Canadian geography, it sits just above Buffalo, it borders the state of New York,

Rochester sits on the shore of Lake Ontario, and then if you go around to the west coast, it kind of circles around near Niagara Falls and joins up to Lake Erie and blah, blah, blah. I'm not going to give you a geography lesson. But anyways, my mother grew up on the beach, which was a very very, kind of cliquy area kind of had its own vibe because it was the beaches and you know it had that atmosphere of beach life and people used to swarm to the beaches and sit on the sand and swim in the lake before it was all polluted and uh it's still got that that effervescence it's still got that flavor down there the beaches in toronto haven't changed that much so my mother grew up

there and i think it's always been a big part of her character a big part of who she is how it made her out to be a person and it's definitely stayed with her her whole life and i think my mother always missed the beaches there's certainly a part of her so she wrote this book called memories of the beach reflections on a Toronto childhood and it's basically stories about her and her upbringing and her environment and the kids and the people and her friends and her parents and everything that went on during that time, you know, 70 years ago down in the beaches. So for those of you interested, you can order the book on Amazon.com, and yes, I am pimping my mother's book. It's the least I can do. She let me swim in her belly for nine months.

Oh, God. But please, you know, you don't have to be from the Toronto Beach area to appreciate her book. It's one of those books that no matter where you're from, I think she was able to capture the flavor of the community. And just like going to a movie when you see a movie about a place you've never been or don't know about, it's the same with a good book. It pulls you into that environment. and you become at one with the environment, you relate to the environment,

you start to feel and see the environment as the author paints the picture with her words. And in this case, my mother. So there you go. A little plug for my mom. And I hope that if your mother has a book out, you certainly plug the book for her. It's the least you can do. And who knows, maybe some of your mothers do have a book. So there you go.

If you're listening, Mom, happy Mother's Day. And to all mothers across the land, across the world, a very, very special happy Mother's Day to all of you here on the Harlan Highway. Hey, hey, hey, you are listening to the Harlan Highway. day is coming up people and my buddy charlie lee who's the owner and operator of the moon glow chinese restaurant off of exit 81 has asked me to drop by guess he's running a very special mother's day night for all the mothers so should be good let's go into the moon glow uh restaurant here we go hey charlie how you doing oh how you do today thanks for coming by the moon glow

restaurant tell us about your mother's day menu we got big mother day special all right good that's what i'm talking about tell us about the mother's day special charlie lee got deep frying shrimps he got a chicken stew fry rice charlie lee got a chicken chow man charlie lee got spring roll a lot big abundance of spring raw i got a big freezer back up with spring roll Well, wait a minute. What makes that so special about Mother's Day? Oh, mothers like to eat Chinese food. Yeah, but, I mean, what differentiates, you know, what you serve every day with this Mother's Day thing? This different Charlie Lee raised the price.

You what? Charlie Lee raised the price. What do you mean you raised the price? Well, it's Mother Day, you don't want you... You don't want coming here with your mother, and you don't want your mother to think you're cheap? I don't want my mother to think I'm cheap, so you raise the prices? Yeah, that's what Charlie do. You come in here, you impress your mother. How much did you raise the price, Lee?

Well, Charlie Lee sell regular item, whole buffet dinner, $7.99. But when you come in here with your mother, Charlie charge $87.99. Are you kidding me? I'm out of here, Lee. This is a rip. Yeah, why don't you go rip your Velcro underwear off, funny guy? I'm out of here Unbelievable Find a different place to eat

Or maybe you come back Father's Day I charge you $125 for $799 buffet funny guy How does he always hear me when I'm halfway down the road Oh God, what a weirdo Why do I even go into that place Charlie Lee's 7895 buffet So my mother won't think I'm cheap

What a goof Now, what about this? This might be a little uncomfortable, but do you ever, what do you do, Father's Day? Because I always get the feeling that people put more emphasis on Mother's Day than Father's Day. Are you guilty of that? Like, you know, is Father's Day just more of like, oh, yeah, it's Father's Day, I forgot. With Mother's Day, you seem to be a little more attentive, like, oh, my God, it's Mother's Day.

I got to call her, I got to get her flowers, I got to do something. but do you find you have a more lackadaisical attitude towards Father's Day? And is that really fair? And do fathers really show it if they don't, you know, get the shout out? Our father's like, what, it was Father's Day? Oh, I didn't even know. Who cares? So thank you, son.

Thank you for saying I love you or whatever it is you said. I didn't really hear it. Our father's too macho or our father's in bed at night and they're like, okay, it's five minutes to midnight. My children still have five minutes, no wait, five, four and a half minutes to call me before it's officially not Father's Day anymore. Three minutes.

Why is it the phone ringing? They don't love me, but I'll never let them know. I'll remain stoic and strong as a rock, and I'll show them. I don't need emotions. I'm their father, damn it. I don't care about emotions. Who needs to be told they need to be loved?

Huh? Come on, I'm the first. foundation of this family that stuff's for mushy mushy wimpy people i don't care if they call me or not oh my god it's five seconds to midnight three two one they didn't call me my children they called me i don't know i'm not a father but i guess i've been guilty of that you know you give a little less on father Mother's Day, then you give on Mother's Day. So maybe, for the record, we should change that. Fix it. Because even though fathers have that hard exterior, I think deep inside, they're touched,

they're moved, they want to be acknowledged. So spread the love, people. Spread the love. It is Mother's Day, but don't forget Daddy when his big day comes. Yeah. Don't forget Daddy. Ah! Ah, someone get me some tissue. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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Don't throw your back out. It's sad when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. but I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put him away now, as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man, as if I could do anything except just sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds. Well, they know I can't even move a finger, and I won't.

I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do. suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching. They'll see.

They'll see and they'll know and they'll say why she wouldn't even harm a fly. Anybody got a freaky mother out there? Since we're talking about mothers And when you think of Mother's Day You think all, you know, flowery and nice And aw, mommy. But come on, how many of you people have a freak mother?

You know, I know there's some people out there That I have a kooky, nutty mother. If you want to call me and tell me about it, 323, 215, 1486. 323, 215, 1486. What's one of the freakier things your mother did to you when you were growing up? I remember once when I was a kid, I have four sisters, and my little sister's name is Barbara,

and she had a little stuffed Paddington Bear, which is kind of like Winnie the Pooh. It's like a British teddy bear. He has a little yellow, you know, rainhead. hat on and rubber boots and my little sister had a stuffed one that she kept on her bed and I'll never forget one morning I was laying in bed before I'd gone to school as fast to sleep and my mother just kind of walked in my bedroom and I kind of woke up I could I could sense someone was there she was standing there looking at me and she was holding the

Paddington Bear and she was just quiet and I'm like what are you doing and she out of nowhere she just goes this isn't your Paddington Bear this is Barbara's and then she turned and walked out of my room it was the creepiest weirdest thing I think I've ever seen her do it it was simple yet very creepy and disturbing it couldn't be your mother it had to be someone else Ooh, or how about your mother wigging out on you, huh? You ever have your mother wig out? Yeah, I'll never forget the only time my mother ever got physical with me. And this shows you the impact.

I can only imagine that happens to kids that are physically abused because my mother never lifted a finger. But there was one time when out of frustration, out of anger, I used to like to have French toast. every day when I'd come home for lunch from school. And every day my mother being the saint she was would make me some French toast. And I'll never forget this, man. One day she made the mistake of making me French toast with the end of the bread.

You know, on the end of the loaf of the bread, it's all crust. I guess we're out of bread and all she had left was that end piece that's all crust. It's the rump of the loaf And she put it down in front of me And I was like, ew, I'm not gonna eat this This is a crust or something You know, I didn't Made some kind of bratty complaint

And I've never seen my mother do this It's the only time she ever did it Never happened ever again But she just like grabbed the plate She goes, you little brat And she threw the plate It wasn't a ceramic plate It was just like a plastic plate

But I'll never forget that thing flying through the air And I docked in it Either dinged me on the back of the head Or it flew off against the wall But It startled me It shocked me It was the only time I'd ever see my mother

Really lose or cool And get physical And yes, I was a little brat My mother Throwing a plate at me But trust her She wouldn't have to do anything to hurt me Oh my gosh.

And then do you remember the first time you ever swore in front of your mother? First time you ever cursed, dropped the F-bomb or anything like that? Again, I clearly remember my first time. And again, it drifts back to me being dissatisfied with the food she cooked up. I remember we were sitting at the table. It was me, my mother, my four sisters, and my dad was not there yet. He had not come home from work. And what happened was I didn't like hamburgers really when I was a kid.

Like once I hit about like 12 or 13, of course, I was addicted to them. But those early years, I just didn't like them. And my mother used to make us patties. She'd hand form a hamburger patty, fry it up, and then give it to us without the bun or anything. I was just here, eat a hockey puck. of meat kid and I just thought it was the blandest tasting the blandest looking most unappealing meal you know by today's standard it's like give me a chunk of soy you know soya give me a soy loaf or something right so I'll never forget it to this day my mother

put the meat down it was sitting on the plate and I just stared at it I stared at it for about 30 seconds just glaring at it right like I was pissed off at the world and I just clenched my fist and with the lower part of my fist like a judge's gavel I just pounded on the friggin juicy meat

patty and I just said fuck I remember them the juices spewing everywhere and my fist hitting that soft meat and felt so good to get all that aggression out and I just remember the uh the silence at the table because in our house nobody swore it was it was not allowed so for me

to drop the f bomb at like eight years old holy jumping it's like the ice man from batman just came and like froze our whole family and there was this long pause and i thought i'm dead i'm totally dead Oh, fudge. Only I didn't say fudge. I said the word, the big one, the queen mother of dirty words, the F dash, dash word. What did you say? Uh-huh. That's what I thought you said.

Yep, it was just like that scene out of Christmas story where the kid says fudge. I'd drop the F-bomb, and I was just waiting for the world to end. And my mother turns and looks at me, and she says, Harland, we don't use that word in this house. And then just went on to continue serving dinner. And I'm like, what? That's it? That's all I get for the dreaded F-bomb? Wow, did I get off?

And I thought, oh, wait a minute. Dad's going to be home soon. I am history. But you know what? I don't think she ever told him. I don't know that she ever told him because I never heard about it from my dad and I'm sure he would have had something to say

with the back of his hand, you know. So, Mom, if you're listening, thanks for letting that one go by. And thanks for not throwing a plate at me too, because when you drop the end, F-bomb in front of your mother, you think for sure she's going to kill you. No, she'll kill you. I know she will.

Oh, no, not my mom. Thank goodness she's a god-loving, sweet, wonderful mother, wonderful woman. Lucky to have her as my mama, my mommy. Mama. And, you know, I guess every single kid out there, every adult has their crazy mother stories. But, hey, after putting up with the likes of me and the likes of you, I'm sure, I think any mother deserves to go a little crazy sometimes. And that's speaking of crazy.

Good Lord. It's Friday. and the producers of my podcast think I'm a little crazy and so every Friday I got to do this damn mandatory shrink session with this moron Dr. Ascot. Let's get it over with. I hate Fridays. Hello, Dr. Ascott.

Hello, Holland. Oh, God. What are we doing this time? Holland. What? Holland. What are we doing? doing this time. Stop saying my name. Holland.

Oh, God. What are we doing? Holland, I want you to sing. Okay, what? I want you to sing for me, Holland. It helps to release inner anxiety. It helps to loosen up the spirit. Holland. Oh, I'm not going to sing and you know it. Holland, you will sing or I will fill out a pink.

slip and give it to your superiors upstairs and come monday morning your ass will be on the sidewalk standing in the cold oh my god are you sitting holland this is this is blackmail holland don't be racist i said blackmail holland sing holland let the joy permeate from your soul holland oh brother Ah, Holland, I want you to sing a Barry Manilow song. No way, dude. Holland, think slip. Her name was Lola. She was a show girl, and that was 50 years ago when Lola had a show.

Good, Holland. Now she's a Lala, she does a Lala. Holland used the proper words, Holland. I don't know all the words. Holland. His name was Rico. He was a la-la. There I sang.

Holland, I need one more. No way, Ascot. Holland, meatloaf. Meatloaf. I need some meatloaf, Holland, so that you can release the angst from your tortured soul. Oh, this is really. Really a low point for me. Holland, I would do anything for love.

Oh, you gotta be Joe, Holland. Because I would do anything for love. But I won't do that. Arlen, finish it. Oh, no, I won't do that. Now don't you feel better, Well, are we done? Yes.

Then I feel better. Thank you, Ascot. Holland. We're done. You said it. Holland. Get out of here. Holland.

Out. Give me a little Oreo Speedwagon, Holland. Get out of here. Have a good weekend, everybody. Go sing in the shower about some Casey and the Sunshine Band, Holland. Get out of here. The only singing I'm going to be. doing and hopefully you're all doing it is singing the praises of your mother on mother's day happy mother days

to all you mothers all your mothers out there happy mother's day and wishing you all the best um from me here on the harland highway and everyone listening have a great one and until next time love your mom and chicken chow mean mama. No, I won't do that. You can't make me. Killer.