The Harland Highway - Podcast 109

Episode Date: May 10, 2010

Debate over heaven or hell, Life Coach Debbie Timer, Water, manatees. Suds of buds and fun! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

well i'll be a coal miners daughter who yeah i will i will if you want me to i would totally be a coal miner's daughter if you wanted what the hell am i talking about what the hell why did i even start there god idiot idiot so stupid uh welcome to the harland highway everybody i'm harland williams case you didn't know, I'm the Harland Williams in the name, Harland Highway. Same guy. Same guy. This is my podcast that I do. Well, it's really your podcast. I just do it. I am the conduit. I am the vehicle for which I get through to you. And what am I getting through to you on today? How about heaven and hell? Huh? Have you decided where you want to end up? Heaven or hell? Interesting topic today. Dr. Debbie Timer is here. She's a life coach, and she's taking phone calls.

She's going to have advice to helping you to a better, more organized, fulfilling life. We're going to be talking about something simple, water. You don't think about it much, but how about that topic? Water. And in the water, manatees. going to be talking about manatees. It's getting fat. It's getting blubbery, but it's all right here. Right now on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn.

Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy

Hell Hello How many out there are hell believers I mean most of us believe in heaven I think But how many of you folks believe that if you're a bad person And that you're going to sink into the earth's crust And waiting there for you is a field of fire. Little guys with horns in their heads with pitchforks.

Stabbing you in your big fat evil butt for all eternity. You were a baddie, you were a batty. Boing, point, point. And then there's the big devil sitting there in his nice custom red leather chair. I suck your soul. Step forward. I will make your life a living hell. And then all the other people that were bastards.

Bad people are down there. I don't know if you're all that bad. Maybe the whole group of you. 20 billion strong. It's a lot of badness. You get it all together and you gang up against the devil and you take over and turn the place into a swinging bachelor pad, you know? So it looks like the back of a 1972 van.

red shag carpet, red disco ball, red lava lamps, red flames coming out of little red volcanoes. Hey man, what's happening? I'm nothing, man, I'm just digging the hell, you know. I'm just having a groovy old time down here in H-E-L-L-L-L. Hello? Uh-uh. I want to go up. Up, up, up, up, up.

Up to heaven, flap around with my wings, my angel wings. I've been extra good. I'm going to request from God that I get like honey garlic wings or buffalo wings, man. Spicy hot, angel wings. You were riding down the Harland Highway. Not too hot, though. I don't want people to mistake me for a devil. But then again, wait a minute.

Hold on, hold on. What if, you know, you do get to heaven and everything's happy and fluffy and it's, It's for eternity. And let's say you're up in heaven with your neighbor who you never liked, who was always a pain in the ass. Let's say you're up in heaven with an old girlfriend that cheated on you. Let's say you're in heaven with the bully that always picked on you at school, or the ugly girl, or the idiot that you never liked, or, you know,

what if there's all these people up in heaven with you who back, here on good old planet Earth were a pain in your ass, but now you're an angel and you're floating around, you're like, hi, hi, David, how are you? It's me, Harland. Hi, I just want to say, thanks for picking on me in high school. I just, and Debbie, thank you for cheating on me. That day I came home from work and caught you in band with my best friend, Paul. And oh, there's Paul over there. Hi, Paul, we're all angels. We all love each other. And, I'm going to smile and wave and blow you kisses for eternity. Huh?

I mean, can you imagine eternity with no gambling, no lovemaking, no sex, no making out at the back of the movie theater? I don't know. Is heaven that pure? Is heaven what you want? I mean, I know I want that. I want to go to the good place. But is heaven like almost like living in a monastery? Is it like living in a nunnery?

I don't know, man. I hope there's a little bit of middle ground in heaven where God goes, this is a happy place. And happiness is making love. so everybody angels make love I don't know and how do you make love to an angel right

I mean you lay them on their back you crunch their wings you do them doggy style their wings are flapping in your face you're like oh oh ow ow my eyes settle down I can't oh this feels so good Oh! Ow! Roll over. I'm putting you on your back. Okay, hang on.

Ah, my wings! Oh, you bastard! Right? How do angels make love? I don't know. Maybe you got to do it like the way the pigeons do it, you know? It's like maybe up in heaven they got power lines and the guys. Girl Angel flaps down onto the power line and sits there and does her little seductive mating call. And then you're flying around, you know, waving all your buddies and you see her on the power line.

You're like, woo, woo, and you come flapping down. And you just kind of land on the bar. back of her wings you know you see it on the discovery channel when birds are doing the nasty they just kind of sit on each other's back and and that's it maybe maybe you know four months later someone lays an angel egg i don't know so anyways i'm just hoping that God, God bless them. Is that fair to say? Can you say God bless God?

God bless you, God. And when I say, yeah, I mean, I actually mean you. God bless you. Go look in the mirror and bless yourself. Thank you, my child. You may land on the power line an extra three times this week. Not now. Wait till I'm not looking.

Sorry. But anyways, I hope that God, considering he made us human with human needs, human desires, he created us, right? So I'm hoping he takes that into account when we get to the big nudist colony in the sky. I hope he's got some wiggle room for us to do some wiggling. Because I got to tell you, man, if I'm just floating around all day, playing nice, got my fake smile on to all the people in life that I didn't necessarily like and I can't I see a hot angel a 10 out of 10 angel if Heidi Klum's flapping around

and I'm not allowed to go flirt with her now that I think of it don't don't those victorious secret models already have wings ever see them strutting down to the catwalk with their angel wings on I wonder if God gives them an extra pair of wings. That'd be like a double. All right. Sorry, God. If this is getting a little naughty, I'm just asking.

You created me. You gave me the ability to ask, to wonder, to ponder. You gave that to me. Everything I say, I do, I am, you gave it to me. So you gave me the mind to be inquisitive. You gave me the mind to probe, to ask questions. So I'm asking God. I'm channeling through this podcast that you gave us.

Through this computer you gave us. You see where I'm going with this? So don't be mad at me. Just, you know, I'm just saying. Some good, clean pleasure in heaven. It could be a good thing. Because I definitely don't want to go to hell. Can you imagine the booty calls in hell?

The devil's like, Yes, I will give you pleasures with that 400-pound woman over there. But I don't want to. You don't have a choice. Get your devil wings flapping. Yeah. Yikes. All right, well, I better go.

I better go do some Hail Mary's and say the Lord's Prayer somewhere in a dark corner just to make sure everything's on track here on the Harland Highway. And it's time to get a life, your life. Hi, welcome to life coach. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and today we'll be taking your calls to see what's bothering you, see how I can help you improve your life, put your life back on track, get it into shape, get it to the place where you need to be. Sometimes when we're busy and we're running around and we have a million things to do multitasking,

it's hard to stay in control of our own life, and that's where I come in. Dr. Debbie Timer, your life coach. Let's go to a caller. Hi, this is Dr. Debbie. How may I help you? Ah, yeah, Dr. Debbie, this is Carl. I'd rather not say my last name. Well, that's okay, Carl.

And how can I help you today? Well, the problem is, doctor, I have a twin sister. Okay, that sounds fun. Sometimes twins can be a lot of fun. Yes, we've had a lot of fun over the course of our life, doctor, but things are really getting bad between us. Okay, and why do you say that? Well, you know, twins, especially in our case,

I'm sure you've heard how twins feel what the other twin is feeling. we can sense what the other twin is feeling. We really feel what they're feeling. We just feel it. We feel it all over. We just have all these twin feelings. Yes, you've said twin feelings many times. I get the gist.

They're just these great feelings. We have a connection. Okay, I get it. Oh, sorry. Well, what was it about these feelings? Well, my sister is very, sexually active with her husband, Dave. Okay, and what does that have to do with you?

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specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. it's like I was saying it's the feelings every time she it's hard for me to say this okay just get a grip okay every time she has sex with Dave okay just take it easy take a breath thank you doctor every time she has sex with her husband David I I can feel it I'm sorry I can feel I can feel the sacks Oh my goodness

You mean you can sense it You can No I can physically feel it She's my identical twin I can feel it going in I can feel Oh my God I can feel the stretching

I can feel the orgasms I can feel everything Oh my goodness Well that is a bit of a problem Um Every day at 3 o'clock She comes home from work early, and her and Dave have quite the act of sex life. Okay, how do you mean?

Well, they like to do it rough. As I heard them once through the wall, Daddy liked to play rough. Okay, you were listening through the wall. Just one time when I was over for Thanksgiving. Okay, continue. Well, I guess, you know, I've been living with these pleasures and the pain and the slapping. and the slapping around and the biting of the nipples and... Okay.

And the licking and all of that stuff, doctor. Okay, okay. But lately, how many people listen to this show? Don't worry about it, okay? It's millions. Oh, my Christ, I'm going to hang up. No, don't go anywhere. I don't know if I can tell you about this. Just go ahead. It's best if you get it out.

Okay. Lately, my sister has been enjoying anally sexuals. Pardon me? The anally sexualis. What does that mean? I don't know how to say it right. Annalis, as sexualis. Do you mean anal sex, sir?

Oh, my God, that's it. That's what I've been trying to say. Okay, sir, that is a common thing between intimate partners, between a husband and wife, a boyfriend and girlfriend, It's not unusual. It's unusual when I can feel it, 300 miles away in Cincinnati. Oh, pardon me? I said I live 300 miles away in Cincinnati,

and every day at 3 o'clock she's been having the annulist sexualist. The anal sex, sir. That's what I'm trying to say. Well, sir, what is... Oh, my God. What's the matter? It's almost... It's 3 o'clock right now.

Oh, well, just hang in there, sir. I'm sure this is all just a manifestation. of your imagination, of your strong connection with your sister. Oh, what was that? Oh, it hurts. Oh, it stretches. Sir, are you okay? Oh, make it stop.

Are you okay, sir? Hello? Hello? Oh, doctor. Oh, it burns. It burns. What happened, sir? I think I just got anal is sexual analysis.

What is that? Whatever you said earlier. Anal sex. Yeah, that's it. Anal. I can't even say it. Just say, listen to me, dumbass. Pardon me?

Listen to me, shut your stiff hole and say it. Say what? Say anal? Sex. Uh, anal. Anal? There you go. See? I think all of this is just a manifestation in your head.

You miss your sister because you live so far away. You have some kind of chemical connection with her, some kind of spiritual connection. Okay, okay. Maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. I think I know I'm right. Okay, so... Yes, doctor, I think... Oh! Oh, it's so deep.

It's deep, doctor. Oh, my God. What's happening? It's deep. Oh, it's ripping me apart. Oh, God, it doesn't help me. My ass is on fire. Oh, my God.

Hello, hello. Hello. Listen, you fucking idiot. Oh, what'd you call me? Fucking idiot. See it again. I kind of like it when you talk dirty. You fuck, hang up on him.

Okay, okay, we've hung up on that collar. Unbelievable, what, we have them back on the line again? Hang on, here we go, hello. Oh, it rips. Hang up. Oh, well, that's all I have time for today. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, your life, coach and if there's any twins out there none of this is real oh it's bleeding ah

hang up oh dr debby such good advice thank god we have her as part of this podcast um Here's something I need advice on. When you go to a restaurant, I need advice on ordering water. Okay? You ever have them come to the table? They're like, would you like some water? And I'm like, yeah. Would you like tap or bottled?

I guess I'll take bottled. Okay. And then they bring you the bottle of water, and it's like four liters big. It's like a cow could walk up to your table and drink. You know, I'm expecting, like, a, you know, a bottle of water, the size of a pop bottle. You know, like the size of a bottle, a small bottle of Coke that I can drink on my own. And they always bring, like, the giant bottle of water. And you're like, oh, thanks, thank you.

Yeah, I was so thirsty. You know, you know what's interesting? This is really, oh, I'm so glad I came to this restaurant because you'll never guess what happened. About three weeks ago, my plane crashed in a desert, and I've been crawling, literally, along the desert sands through valleys and gorges and abysses, and I finally crawled my way into this city, and I was down to my last breath, and I pulled my into this restaurant. I crawled up on the chair with my last breath, and you have no idea I am parched. I am dying. I need all the water I can get. So thank you for this giant bottle of water. You saved my life. And with all the water, I'm not going to drink. I'm going to take the bottle home, and with all the remaining water, I'm going to go to the pet shop on the way home and buy like four dozen

guppies and drop them in this bottle and they've got enough water for years. I'm just going to put it in my living room and watch them swim around. I mean, honest to God, it's almost the equivalent of you ever go to a small town

and you see those big giant water towers standing on five legs and they have the name of the town painted on them? Right? And they're really tall and they look like giant mushrooms. Right? So, wouldn't it be great?

You know, in fact, I'm surprised they don't do this. They're like, excuse me, would you like some water? And you're like, yeah, I'd love some water. And they go, come with me, please. And they drag you out back, and they have one of those water towers, and they pry your mouth open. And they make you stand underneath, and they pull a lever, and it's just like,

You're not done yet. What? Okay, that's it. Are you sure you don't want more water? No! God. I just want a little thing of water, okay? I don't ask for a steak and you bring me a whole cow.

I get a little piece of the cow. I get a little steak. When I ask for water, bring me a little bottle of water. All right? I'm not trying to dig my own pond and stock it with trout and go fishing in my backyard every day. I just want a little water to wash down my little steak, okay? Thank you very much.

Oh, now I'm parched. I've got to go get some water. Hi, everybody. This is Charlie the man of... from the state of sunny Florida and I love seaweed I'd love to eat seaweed all kinds delicious seaweed I also like shrimp and sea cabbage this is Charlie the vanity from Florida Now there's a critter that likes its water. The good old manatee.

Have you ever touched a manatee? I know that's a weird question, and it's not perverted in any sense. It's just I'm asking you if you've ever touched a manatee. I had the good fortune once of... I knew a girl who worked at the zoo in Columbus. Ohio and this wonderful lady Karen and she invited me back to the zoo behind the scenes and let me go to the back of the manatee pool and feed the manatees and be right up there

with them and you know as we dropped the cabbage in the water they'd come up to eat and I got to like rub the things I got to pet the chubby little fellas and And I got to tell you, man, they, they are the sweetest, cutest, most kind of docile, gentle creatures you're ever going to meet. I mean, if there was an animal in the animal kingdom that was on, permanently on Valium or Quayludes, you're just kind of drifting around. Oh, hey, man, what's happening, man? Oh, you got any cabbage, dude? You know? That's their M.O., man.

They just float around, swim around, and look for crap to eat. Kind of like Rosie O'Donnell. Hello! But anyhow, if you ever get the chance, like it's on your to-do list, maybe it's on your bucket list. To rub a manatee or play with a manatee, I recommend you do it. And believe me, they are graceful because when I finished playing with the manatees, I went around to the other side where the public was standing and you could look through the glass at the zoo and watch the manatees underwater.

And it's just incredible how fluid they are and how beautiful and graceful. It's really incredible to see something of that. girth move through the water so stealthily and uh just just wonderful all right i'm sounding like i have a thing for manatees now i just kind of caught myself like i've got like a thing like i want to date a manatee um is that wrong okay is that wrong is there a dating This is where I'm going with this. Is there a dating service called manatee match.com? Is there a play?

Are there any single manatees listening to the podcast right now? I'd love to take you out. I'm tired of American girls. My mother keeps telling me, Harlan, get yourself a good old-fashioned manatee. And I'm like, you know what? I've been resisting for years, but it turns out mother's always right.

Yes. I'm putting it out here. I am single. I want a manatee. A female available single manatee for dating and friendship and sailing. And I have a swimming pool. So that's a big plus. And I have a hot tub.

And I can buy cabbage. I live by a grocery store. Okay? I'm willing to commit. Just call me. 323, 215, 1486, 215, 1486. 323 is the area code. Call me if you're a single manatee, female, looking

for a meaningful relationship with white Canadian, dual citizen, American boy. There. Wow. Okay, got it all out. there it is my love life out there for everyone to hear about you know what i want um go for it that felt good okay well speaking of feeling good i hope you had a good time today and you're feeling good uh after this podcast great to be here with you uh look forward to the next time right here on the harland highway and until then Chicken chow mean, baby.