The Harland Highway - Podcast 111

Episode Date: May 14, 2010

Talk about toothpaste and other fun things - also Dr. Ascot! Bumbling blue bongo drums! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

it's harland williams ah oh okay tried to do the big like you know broadway stage show intro of my name really bad really really really disturbingly bad so let's just get to it we have a vunda ba podcast for you today um we're going to be talking about random things. We're going to be talking about toothpaste, which is a, you know, an important topic. We need to talk about toothpaste.

Nobody's doing it anymore. We're going to be talking about the United States technology. Are we keeping up with the rest of the world in terms of our cities, our towns, our technology, our infrastructure? I don't know that we are. I wonder what you will think. I'm going to talk about it. We're going to be talking about the controversy over cell phones on airplanes,

which can be completely annoying. We'll get into that. And then, speaking of annoying, it's Friday. I've got to do my weekly visit with Dr. Ascot because the producers think I have a nut loose and driving me nuts. But nonetheless, here we go. It's the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn.

Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hurry, Harlan? I'm Teddy Mopspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Here's a helpful little tip.

If you run out of shampoo, Try using your toothpaste. Squirt it all over your head, scrub deeply, and watch the wonderful foam lather up on the top of your hair. Use your toothbrush to help scrape into those really hard to get at spots, right along your scalp line and behind your ears. Yes, crest, aquifresh, cold gait, and pepsidant. For that shiny, silky hair you so rightly do so rightly. Deserve. Wash your hair with toothpaste, and your scummy head will be plaque-free for days to come.

Oh, toothpaste. It can be so annoying. Is it just me or is it all of you? Has anyone found a toothpaste tube or container or anything where you can leave the damn thing out overnight and it doesn't get all crusty. hard and gummy at the end. Anybody? I mean, it just drives me nuts. It's like no matter what kind of toothpaste tube I have the next night when I go to use it or if I happen to go out of town and I come back into town, it's like the end is like clogged up. It's just so annoying. And you try to squeeze the toothpaste out and maybe it finds like a pinhole of an airspace

amongst all the hardened molten crust that is formed, right? And it's like, it comes out just a little job. And you're actually squeezing the hell out of the toothpaste tube or container. Like you're literally like, it's like you're choking someone to death. And then finally you get a little thing, but then that big clog of dried toothpaste hangs there you got to scrape it away and then what do you do with it it's kind of stuck to your fingers or you fling it into the sink and then it's sitting there in your sink this little meteorite asteroid chunk of toothpaste lava and it's so hard even the water won't dissolve it

so it just sits there and then you got a scummy sink ah what are we going to do oh well well you know at least your hair looks nice right maybe you can save that chunk that big chunk that comes out and put it in your shower on the soap tray and then you can eliminate soap and you can just wash your body with that little dollop of hardened toothpaste and scrub under your armpits and down in your well now that would probably hurt because there's usually like menthol in toothpaste and you get that into any of the wrong holes and uh hello you're gonna be peeing like a koala for a week hello all aboard where to go where's the train man but what i'm getting out of here folks is in france they've come up with a new train that can go three hundred

and 75 miles an hour. Okay? If you get out on the train platform, the train forgets to stop and just whips by. You won't even know you missed your train. He'll just be standing there. Trains kind of late today. If you could slow it down in slow motion,

you would have seen that that train went by an hour ago. I mean, that's a scary train. You ain't just going to crash. You're going to fly off into space, man. You'll probably stop when you hit Jupiter. Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the French M-Tratt train. What if you had to spit out the window, man?

You know, you've all been on a train. We all spit out the window. You'd probably knock a tree down. Sorry. So I just shot a guy with my spit. Keep it slow. Look, if you have to get anywhere, just jump in your car and take it right down the Harland Highway. Tickets, please.

Tickets? I got to say, though, that's one thing that bothers me about the USA, okay? didn't we pretty much invent the railroad? I'm not sure. You know what? I know we invented the car. I know we invented a bunch of other stuff. I guess I'm not 100% sure if we invented the railroad.

I could go online and get all the facts, but that would just slow down this train ride. So whether we invented it or not, my point is, why do we still have the most antiquated trains on planet Earth? Okay, we got France, we got Japan, we got Germany, we got all these countries that have these supersonic trains that glide on magnets and they hit speeds of 300, 400 miles an hour. And we're still rolling around across America on the little engine that could.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. Chit, chit, chit, chit, chich, I think I can. I think I can, yeah, I think I can make it. my destination possibly eight years from now i i think i can maybe not derail hopefully this time like how does the united states fall behind other countries when it comes to trains and we have this vast country with thousands of miles of empty open land you know if you ever flown over the desert or over any state you know new mexico over oklahoma There's so much land where they could run a train line right across from like L.A. to New York

and hit like tons of major cities along the way. Why isn't there a train that goes 375 miles an hour just right to L.A., man? Right? Take the burden off the airlines, take the pressure off of people who don't want to fly. having to fly you don't have to spend 18 years of your life getting from coast to coast you can do it like an afternoon i don't know how does the USA fall behind it's a little bit scary i think the USA is is like you know you used to look at the USA as modern and ahead of the curve and everything but take a look around in your city or your neighborhood and ask yourself as

that much really changed in the last 40 years? Like, yeah, the new mini malls up and the new Best Buy, you know, and the new cheesecake factory. But take a look around at what was there, the infrastructure. Have the roads really changed? Are the power poles still above ground? Are the sewers the same? Like, everything's still kind of the same.

The trains are the same. The buses are the same. The highways are the same. At what point does the, this USA get a facelift, man? When do we upgrade? Went to the modern new highways with two levels and eight lanes and electric cars and trains that go 400 miles an hour? Or how about the space program? I mean, that shuttle's great, but it's been going up since the 70s.

And what the hell is it really doing up there? There's a space station floating around. What are they doing? Playing ping pong up there? I have yet to watch the news and hear a story like, this is just in from the space station. We found the cure for cancer floating above Earth. We've learned how to breed four-headed frogs and two-headed cows.

Leukemia eradicated thanks to Space Station. I don't know. What are they testing up there? But now, I guess what I'm getting at is now like China and Russia and Japan and Korea and places that were never really on the map in terms of leading the charge, their space program is now starting to overshadow our space program. And just look at our cars, look at our automobiles.

Okay, you've got the new names, you've got the new paint jobs, you've got the interior, maybe you've got the fancy gas gauge that lights up, and now you've got a CD player. and, you know, there's more lights and bells and whistles, but the overall automobile has not changed much in 50 years, man. In fact, it's probably gotten cheaper. It's more plastic and fiberglass, you know, but it's still the basic frame with the engine and the four wheels.

Like, where the hell is the innovation? Where's the gliding cars? Where's the floating cars? Where's the rubber cars? Where's the robot cars? Nothing's really moved that much. You know what I call it? I hold all this stuff up to the cell phone test, okay?

The rest of all the stuff we have should be moving at the pace of the cell phone. Look at the cell phone. When did they kind of come onto the scene like 12, 15 years ago? And at first they were these big bulky things and, you know, it was hard to get reception and they were heavy. And look at them now. Every day something new happens with a cell phone. You can watch a movie. You can watch yourself.

You can take a movie. You can get an app that lets you turn your lights off in your home when you're in Australia. You can feed your pet. You can make love to your cell phone. And sometimes it's better than your wife. Hello. But that's what I'm saying. The rest of our society, the rest of the infrastructure...

should be moving at the pace of the cell phone. Everything should be modernizing. But everything else just seems to be stagnating to me. It's all sitting still. And like I said, sure, we got the nice malls, and they built a new car wash. But this is all just regurgitating the stuff we already had. Well, I live in a whole new neighborhood that wasn't there 10 years ago.

Yeah, but you got the same streets, the same utilities, the same malls. It's not like you live in a glass dome with rubber ceilings and solar panels and, you know, bubbling water that comes from the clouds. Like, nothing that much has changed, man. We've got to start stepping up and becoming a society where we match the innovative technology of the cell phone and the laptop computer and all the kind of home tech. gadgets we have. We should be putting that same kind of face on our communities, our cities, our automobiles, our space program. I don't want people around the world going, what's the United States up to these days? Well, they just created another app for the iPhone. I think this one whistles to you at night when you're going to sleep like a little bird.

Wow, that United States, wow, really. weren't they the guys that were the first people on the moon? I think so. Didn't I invent the automobile? I'm not sure anymore. I don't really remember. Well, certainly they created electricity. I don't know.

What about the camera, the telephone, and the internet, and the... Well, I just don't remember. I kind of don't keep up on the United States anymore. I've let, you know, they're just, you know, every now and then a new phone app comes out, but, you know, Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy.

is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a clickaway. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire.

Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So I don't know.

I'm not knocking America. I'm just saying, you know, I think it's like, I don't know. You just, things have to move. Things got to modernize. Things have to change. And it feels like we're just kind of sitting in neutral right now in a lot of ways. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to walk out of my studio, go to my house, rip it down, put up a glass dome with rubber ceilings,

and I'm going to run a pipe from here to. the Swiss Alps so I get fresh water. I know. It's not as easy as what I'm harping on about, but I don't know. I just thought things would be a little more space age and wild by now. Oh, well, let's see what happens, man. Maybe I'll get my body frozen and come back to life in 400 years. And if I'm still living beside my same neighbors, I'm going to jump off my cell phone. Good news for those of you who fly. They've made it so that there will be no using cell phones while you're in flight. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah!

They were trying to decide if people could use their cell phones while they're flying. And can you imagine sitting on a plane going from L.A. to New York for six hours? And some chatty Kathy or some loudmouth lawyer is just blabbing away on their phone. Well, you're sitting there beside them. You're just trying to watch the movie. You're trying to eat your rotten steak. You're trying to look out the window. You're trying to close your eyes and have a little sleep.

And all you can hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, you know there is going to be trouble. Somebody's going to get a cell phone shoved up their... Hello! And they'd probably still keep talking on it from the inside. Oh, will you shut up? Oh, thank God for the peace and silence. Oh, wait a minute.

There goes my phone. Hello? Get out of here. Yes, same to you. Go jumping a KFC. The bummer is, though, that when you get on a plane, there's still that moment of time, right? Well, everyone's sitting down that people are on their cell phones.

And I don't mind it. I don't mind people being on their cell phones. Hell, I've had calls when I'm sitting there before they shut the airplane door and that last minute important call comes in, great. But here's what I do when I get a call on an airplane because I'm sitting right beside someone. I'm literally about a foot and a half away from someone or maybe six inches.

There's someone in front of me and there's someone right behind me. So when I get a call, I kind of slink down a little and I use my respectful someone's right beside me, boys. Hey, man, how's it going? Yeah, that's great. i'm talking like this because i'm on a plane and there's some people right beside me yeah no that's great great news man okay thanks for calling i'll call you when i land okay cool bye boom was that so hard i still have my conversation i still uh had to get out what i had to get out i know people could kind

to hear me but it was very in and what am i trying to say in atrusive in an in an You know the word I mean. Every now and then I get tongue-tied, man. God. Oh, got to get back to DeVry and take some English classes. I'm so flawed. I'm so flawed. I'm not even going to say, you know the word I mean.

It's trusive, and then it's in un... I don't know. I'm blanking. I'm not as smart as you thought I was, okay? Um, but anyways, the opposite of my subtle little phone voice that I use to try and be polite, the opposite is these jackasses that have no concept that they're sitting beside a bunch of people. They're like, yeah, why don't you tell Jim to get those documents over to Eddie and, uh, no, no, we'll clean this all up on Thursday. Uh, the proposal's in great shape.

we're all feeling confident about this is a go Tom this is a go huh yeah I know I should have been there for that meeting but you know my schedule you know what I mean people that just like have no filter no regard and what's even what's even more interesting to me is I get the distinct feeling that these people are showboating even though we can't hear what the other person says

or is saying on the other end of their phone line, I get the distinct feeling that the people talking loud are doing it to kind of puff their chest out and let the world know their business and let the world know how important they are. Look at me, everybody. I'm having a big important phone call with Ted on Wall Street. Or my boss is on the line.

I want everyone to hear this. Yes, sir. I'm on the plane now. And, yes, I'll make sure that's all taken care of, sir. Right? It's just, that's what I think it is sometimes. People want the attention. People want everyone to think, oh, my God, is that guy in a phone up there?

Oh, my God, listen to him. He must be so important. Is that the President of the United States? Look how, look how poised he is. And look how good his vocabulary is. And listen to him, enunciate. Oh, my God. That is Wunderkind.

No, this is ice hole. That is a loud, noisy ice hole. Sit down and shut up, please. Ice hole? God, it drives me nuts. So don't be an ice hole, as they say in German. Calm down, sit down, get quiet, make your phone conversation brief, be polite.

and you know what if you have to talk just you know open that little tiny window right next to you and squeeze your fat ass through it and make your call as you're flying down to planet earth uh nothing irritates me more wait a minute it's except maybe this it is friday and you know what that means Much time for Dr. Ascot. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Arland. What are we doing today?

Holland, the key to every successful relationship is communication, Arland. Yes, I think I know that. Holland. What? Holland. What? Holland. What?

I'm communicating. with you, Holland. Well, can you stop saying my name over and over? Holland. Stop it. Holland. Okay, so communication, what about it? Holland, today I'm going to give you some tongue twisters.

Some tongue twisters. Yes, once you conquer tongue twisters, Holland. You can overcome any communication obstacle that may arise. Okay. What do you mean? Arland, listen carefully. She sells seashells by the seashore, Arland. Okay.

She sells seashells by the seashore. Yes, I heard you. I want you to say it three times quickly, Arland. Didn't I do this when I was in, like, grade four? This is like a schoolyard Holland. I can't believe this is like supposed to be high level professional Thorland. Oh! She sells seashells by the seashore. There, whoopi-do. Holland, I said three times.

She sells seashells by the seesore. She sells, seashells by the she-shore. She-sows, she-shell by the she-shore. Holland, you did not do it. Try it again, Holland. She sells seashells by the seashore. Arland, you're not communicating. I'm trying. You're staring at me with those big eyes. Would you like me to turn around, Arland?

You know what? How about you go to the beach and get me some real seashells? Oh, try it again three times. She sells seashells by the seashore. She sells seashells seashells. Okay, I can't do it. it. Holland, would you like to try a different one?

Yes. Let's get this over with. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, Holland. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. That's better, Holland. Three times quickly. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers. There, I did it. Get out. Holland? Well, I did it. Holland, you have to do one more. Oh, God, this is getting really tedious and grinding on my nerves, Holland.

And so is you saying my name over and over. Allend. What's the last one, and then get out of here? Holland likes hairy hot dogs in the hot tub. What? Holland likes hairy hot dogs in the hot tub. No, I'm not saying that. That sounds homoerotic.

Holland? No, I'm not... What does that even mean? Harland likes hairy hot dogs in the hot tub. Very good. Now, two more times. No! You tricked me into saying it.

Saying what, Holland? Harlan likes hairy hot dogs in the hot tub. Oh, that's too, Holland. No! That doesn't count. Get out of here! Holland likes hairy hot dogs in the hot tub. Get out!

Do you know what a hairy hot dog is, Holland? Get out of here. You creep. Ascot. Ass is out the ass door with an ass. Get your ass out of here. All of that made no sense. Out!

Holland, Harry hot dogs. Get out! Alan, maybe Peter Piper can pick his pickled pepper. Will you have your hairy hot dog in the hot tub? Get out of here, you freak out! God, what a dillweed man. man, hairy hot dogs in the hot tub. What the guy is.

Someday I'm going to check that guy's credentials, man. I've got to figure out what facility he went to to get his degree in psychology. And this is to my producers, if you're listening. When the hell are we going to be through this therapy bull crap? All right, I've done over 100 podcasts here. I think they're going pretty good. I don't recognize any signs of instability here I haven't gone out on the roof with a sniper rifle

I don't know if you're listening but if you're listening producers I want out of the Dr. Ascot thing every Friday God! I think it's making me worse I think he's making me mentally ill that freak Oh Anyways I hope I'm not making you men mentally ill. Well, maybe I do. I hope this podcast makes you mentally ill.

All right. I'm getting a little too psycho here for my own good. Well, that is it for today. Keep your calls and your emails coming, folks. I do love to get your feedback. I love getting your messages. And ladies, if you're listening, I don't get enough voice messages from the ladies. I want to keep things balanced here. The phone number again, 323, 215, 1486. 323, 215, 1486. Call and leave your comments, your insults, your jokes, your insights, your outsights, your porch lights, whatever.

But hopefully you're having a great time here rolling down the Harland Highway three days a week with me, your host, Monsieur Halland Williams I'm having a great time bringing it to you And I guess Until next time everybody Be polite with your cell phones

And as always Until I talk to you In our next podcast Chicken Chow Main maybe Conjunction Junction What's your function Hooking up words And phrases and clauses

Conjunction, junction, how's that function? I got three favorite cards that get most of my job done. Conjunction, junction, what's their function? I got an button or. They'll get you pretty far. And that's an additive like this and that. But that's sort of the opposite, not this but that. And then there's ore, OR.

When you have a choice like this or that. that and platinum ore get you pretty far conjunction junction what's your function hooking up two box cards and baking arm run right milk and honey bread and butter peas and rice hey that's nice dirty but happy digging and scratching losing your shoe and a button or two he's poor but honest sad but true boo-hoo Thank you.