The Harland Highway - Podcast 112

Episode Date: May 17, 2010

Special guest Brian Palermo, we talk about love, life, animals, and even do a little Improv together! Swwet funny fun bunch! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What do you mean I never have guests on for the whole show? Sure I do. All right, here it is. I don't know who I'm talking to, by the way. I'm just talking to the voice in my head. Today I have my very good buddy on for the whole show. He's an improv artist, an actor, a funny, fun guy. My guest today is Brian Palermo, and we're going to be talking about all kinds of things.

I'm not even going to tell you. You know, we're going to be talking about topics. We're going to be talking about – we're going to be doing a quiz later in the show, an animal quiz. I'm going to test his knowledge on the animal kingdom, and at the same time, I'll test your knowledge. You can play along, see if you can figure out the antlers. faster than my guest, Brian. And then later in the show, Brian and I will be doing an improv. We'll create a scenario, and we're going to do improv right here on the Harland Highway.

So put your improv helmet on, take your improv pills. Get ready, because here we go, ladies gentlemen, right here on the Harland Highway, voted number one podcast by my underpants. Uh, let's do it. Here we go. You're on the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth?

On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy.

Hey everybody, welcome to the Harland Highway, and, uh, oh, what a treat. It's like I was digging around in the desert, and I found a little treat buried under the sand. Uh, he was here before. We had a great time, and, uh, he's back. I've brought him back. It's my buddy from the groundlings, from my movies, from just being my friend. It's a great, great improv artist, an actor, and funny guy, an insightful guy. It's my buddy Brian Palermo. Hey, thank you, sir. Thank you.

Yeah, I got your name right for once. I'm very, very excited about that. Do you want me to say it again? Yeah, please. Did I do it with too much bravado? No, no, I'd rather you do it that way because you get it right, the pronunciation. yeah Brian Palermo hey if you got to perform it to get it then I'll take it do I put the A on the end like that I did the Brian Palermo eh absolutely I'm a I'm a yes and guy I'm going to say yes to anything you spit out okay so that's groovy well welcome back to the Harlan Highway man I'm psych to be back you look you look good you look tan you look rested you look fired up all the above all the above you know a two year old two-and-a-half-year-old son, so he keeps me out in the yard and just chasing him around in the park and the beach and all this stuff.

So I do get out. Have you ever had one of those America's funniest home video moments where he smacked you in the treats with a bowling ball or something? Not yet, but that's coming. Yeah, it'll happen. When he's sitting on my lap, like reading a book or watching TV, he'll just decide to get up and he'll stand right on my crotch. So right now he's only 30 pounds. Yeah, you can handle 30. I'm here, and if he tries to launch himself off my penis again, it's going to be very difficult.

Wow. All right. Well, let's get into it. I have some important questions and topics for you today. I want to point out last time, you ambushed me with these existential questions about life and death and stuff, but I didn't know what's coming. So I want to point out to our listeners, I don't know what's on your little list again today. This is all a surprise. You don't know.

The only thing I'll tip you off to is that later on there's a quiz coming. Okay. So I know you know a lot of stuff. you're worldly guys. We'll see. I'm going to be quizzing you. First thing we've got to talk about, though, I'm interested to see where you go with this.

If you could go back in time to one place and one place only anywhere in the history of time, where would that moment be? Like to just one event, like one night or one day or something? Like one moment in time. Let's say you could stay there for a year or a month, but you could go to one thing. Do do I participate? I'm sorry, I'm asking no, that's okay. It's a tough

for you, I'm glad you're asking. I mean, because it's, it's the first thing came to mind was D-Day, not that I would ever want to participate, but it was such a heroic, you know, thing that these men gave their lives, and they changed the world.

I mean, they honestly, literally changed the world. And it was, you know, the Brits and the Knucks and the Yanks and the Aussies, and it was all the I don't know, it's just. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Okay. I was thinking of something else.

Well, I thought you meant it was like a special day, a dairy queen. No, no, that's DQ Day. Okay, so you're talking about the war. The War II, the invasion of Normandy, the ending of Hitler and Stalin. I know. You were talking about all these people fighting, and I was just seeing sprinkles and hot fudge and nuts. That sounds good, yeah, no, no, no. Maybe.

Do you want to change and go back to DQ? Yeah, I want to go back. If I had a month, I just eat DQ every. No, but I don't know that I would want. want to be there. I'd like to witness that event. You'd like to say, I'm just laughing because DQ Day, I'm laughing at my

own little input there. Which is wrong. Well, no, I'm, it's not wrong, but I'm thinking about other, I'm a big fan of the Roman Empire, like ancient, ancient Roman stuff. No, you can't switch. You got to stick with D-Day. Well, I was asking questions, like, whether I had to

be involved or not. Like, D-D., I'd only want to be a visitor. I would not, I would not ever want to be involved. But think of D-D., you're talking about standing on a beach and watching soldiers getting shot down in the hundreds that's what you'd want to see thousands no no I guess I wouldn't

want to see it I would want to see the heroism of it the humanity of trying to save others by going through this sacrifice I mean it's huge what those men did but isn't it going to be tough because obviously you're going to see men taking

bullets and falling into the surf you're right won't that be hard to watch Oh, it would be horrible. It would be horrible. But you'd do it. That's the day you pick. No, that was the first thing across my mind. That's one to ask you about if I was on the right track with the type of parameters that you're setting.

If you're just talking about looking at stuff and enjoying it, then I, you know. DQ day. DQ day. That's, you know, I wouldn't be involved in that. No, it would be. Like a dilly bar. Like, I'm just going to throw this at you. Right.

A guy falling into the surf, blood churning in the waters. Yeah. Or a peanut buster barfay. Peanut Buster Parfay. And I'm not trying to sway you. This is your time. Right, right, right, right. Well, I think one is more enjoyable.

Yeah. One is more momentous. Yeah. You know, historical. And you're right. That it was those are the guys that shaped our culture, our country, our heroes, heroes across the board. Across the board. And not just our, I mean, the world, it's worldwide, you know.

It affected all of Europe. It affected Australia because they were brought in because of the British Empire and all that stuff. But then we were in. able to move on to Japan and focus on that sort of affected all the Pacific Rim. I mean, it was literally global. It was worldly. It was. It was huge. But that's like a big

historic moment that comes to mind. If I'm looking for something, it's just like fun to experience and be involved and watch, I would want to see the grandeur of like Caesar's Rome. You know, Julius Caesar's Rome. So seeing Christians eaten by Lion. Oh, yeah. Their entrails. Wow, you are

really, you are really... What do you want? So you're a answer, which I'm about to ask you, is it going to be, oh, I want to go see a lingerie shoot at some restaurant. How did you know? Because I could read you like a book. No, I thought you were going to go. D-Day is an amazing event.

I thought you were going to go a little further back in history. Like, I pictured you maybe, like, imagine being there at the crucifixion of Christ. Right. Or my personal, what I would have picked is to go back during the time of the dinosaurs. I'd love to stand in the shadow of a T-Rex. see what they looked like. Well, you're a big animal guy. You're very much animal guy, so I could see that.

But I went further back. I went to Caesar's world. That's the same time as Christ's crucifixion, 2,000 years ago. Yeah. But it was the peppy side. It was the DQ side. I want to see the orgies and the fun and all the, you know, the splendor. I don't want to be a slave, you know.

Yeah, no. I want to see it from J.C. sandals. We're living in. Julius, not Jesus Christ. Yeah. Or Orange Julius, if you're at the mall. If you go that way. yeah okay good well you covered that that's it's interesting to see where you where you wanted to go right right right

you like heroes i do i like heroic stuff i like uh heroic stories um because they're all stories underneath humanity you know you've read joseph campbell's stuff you might like this what did you ever know that you're my hero we sing really well together yeah i'm like which one would you be you were probably Barbie Barbara Hershey there and I was Bet Medblood. I was much more Hershey-esque. Yeah. I get that a lot. Walking down the street sometimes, people just say, Hey, are you Barbara?

And they get disappointed. Because I'm not. I'm not only not Marbury Hershey. I'm not even, I didn't even close. Yeah. Except just when we sang that duet. Yeah. You ever had the Hershey squirts? Oh, sure I have. Okay, let's not, I don't want to get in a time machine and go to that. Here's one for you. Speaking of Barbara Hershey.

I want everybody listening to know that Harlan points at you when he asks But if I very violently points at you, here's one for you. And were it a knife or a ninja throwing star, I would be dead because he whips it with such vehemence that I would have caught it in the eye. Okay, go. By the way, speaking of ninja stars,

this is interesting because Israel, I don't understand why people are aggressive towards Israel when they have that intimidating flag with the ninja star as their symbol. I know. I'm with you. I'm with you. And it's not only a ninja star,

it's a six-pointed. Yeah. Or is it five. I don't know. I wouldn't be attacking a country whose flag is a ninja star. Exactly. Period. Exactly. I think that's a good call.

But you know what? People, they like risk. They like danger. You know, they want to be challenged. They want to be challenged. Yeah, I guess maybe it's an invitation. Let's battle. Bring it to be aosh.

You know, what's worse is the Gaza Strip's flag is just a Hebrew numtuck, which is very, very intimidating. It's physical and scary. I actually wear the Gaza strips at night to help with my breathing. I don't snore. I put one right on my nose. Howful? Yeah. Unbelievable.

I love the Gaza strips. Those things are good because they open up your sinuses and your airways. Unbelievable. You get the oxygenate your blood brother. Yeah. Blood brother? Your blood brother, yeah. It's equivalent to put it rubbing a pomegranate on your face.

All the antioxidants. Oh, your face. I've been doing that wrong. Oh, God. All right. We're skipping to the next topic. Okay. You're going to like this one.

All right. Here's the point. Here's the point. Are women hornier than men? Talk to me. Oh. It's all defined by age. Younger men, much hornier than younger women.

Middle-aged women, much hornier than middle-aged men. Really? Because you always hear that thing where they always go, guys are such pigs. All guys want to do is have sex. But wouldn't you say you've met a lot of women who are exactly the same? Absolutely. Why do men always get the rap? It's a function of age.

It's a function of taboo. Like, you know, for hundreds of years, particularly in America, you know, founded by the Puritans. You know, the Pilgrims came over and nobody talked about sex. So it was only allowable to say, well, men are more animalistic. So they're, they're sexual. They're hornier. And women are not. Women are dainty little things that occasionally want to lie back and think of the country to produce some offspring.

But that's absolute bullshit. I mean, the 70s and the sexual revolution ruined all that or fixed all that by bringing it to light. I do still believe that younger dudes have the testosterone, the hormones, the physicality. They're out to prove something. They're out to spread their oats. I think that younger... Spread their oats. Yeah, yeah.

That's an old term. Spread their oats. You never heard that? Is it it? So your oats? So your oats. Yes. It's like you invented some kind of new sandwich spread.

You spread your oats. I wouldn't want to eat that. Wow. That's like that's like Vegemite. That's horrible. That's like that Rod Stewart song. Spread your oats. Let me come inside.

You know what? That made it all the way to number two in the finish charts. Did you have to say number two when I'm thinking of spread your oats? Everything's fecal with you. Everything's got a logical. We did last one. Just that. Okay.

I did say number two. But, no, I think it's a function of age. I think the younger guys are hornier. And I think that middle-aged chicks are hornier. And that's a function of chemistry, body chemistry, and hormones and stuff like that. Do you think guys get less horny as they get older? Yeah, no, they do. I mean, it's a chemical fact that your body produces less testosterone and less whatever from...

Wait a minute. So you're sitting here telling me I'm less horny now than I was when we started this conversation. As time has gone by, I'm less horny. I can tell you for a fact that I am, by sitting here listening to you and having you throw your finger stars at me, I'm definitely less horny. I'm more fearing for my life. I'm not talking about the past 20 minutes. I'm talking about the past 20 years. I don't want to, I don't want you to tell me I'm going to be less horny.

That's the worst news I've ever heard. I'm not a doctor. I don't listen to me. Well, I just read it. I read stuff. All right, well, you don't have to. But here's another thing, though. This is a question coming from.

Hey, you're pointing at me now. I want people to know he's pointing at me. Well, we're connected. He gets fired up about his horniness. I'm very fired up by my horniest delineation. What were you saying? You know, you're asking the question with men are hornier and have we met? lot of women. I absolutely have. You absolutely have. Many men have. I think many more, a

hugeer percentage of men, have not. You know, people across the country in the Midwest and stuff don't live in Hollywood. They're not in the entertainment industry. They're not exposed to more freewheeling, fun women than we are. I think it's a function of that as well. And plus, you're a bona fide celebrity. I mean, you're like, you're in a different strata. And the women you meet are going to be much more open, I think, and enticing to you. But wait a minute. It seems to me a woman at a square dance or a butter churning contest could just as likely be as horny as some girl who's got a gig on Melrose's place.

They could, the former could, but they'd be less expressive of it. I think some chick of the butter churning square dance. You've seen the motion of butter churning? I think maybe it could be worse. Other than the obvious master of. hand-jobic effect of a butter turner. Hand-javec? Wasn't that one of the...

What were those guys? The guys that could... The transformers? Yeah. Wasn't Hanjabic Maximus's buddy? He was. He was a crane. And then he could transform into an arm.

I am hand-jobus. Come to me, Maximus. I got to go to him. I'm leaving. See, it's the hydraulic effects that make it worthwhile. I am Han Javis. And he turns into a giant dildo? No, you turn into a giant hand.

Oh, yeah, right. You know, the giant dildo, that's penetratious. You do good sound effects. Well, I have to. You throw this stuff at me. I have to... I want you to have a good time here. I don't want you to walk away and go,

I did this whole conversation, and he didn't do any, like, transformer effect. Here's a funny thing. These questions are fun and weird and non-sequitur and apropos of nothing. But once you ask me them, I get really interested in the topic. I love it. Well, let's discuss it then. Well, I like to match your interest by giving back. And without those sound effects, I think that whole thing we just talked about would have fallen flatter than a flapjack at a steamroller convention.

You're right. I keep forgetting this is an audio medium. It's not radio, but it's an audio medium. It's an iPod, buddy. We have to add more sound effects. Well, wait, let's just tag that last thing. Yeah, sure. The chick from Melrose Place is by far going to be more expressive with her horniness

because she is surrounded by, you know, young, sex, drugs, Hollywood vibe. So she may or may not be actually literally hornyer than Square Dance Later, but I think she would express it more. She'd be more open about it. But I think, like, did you ever see that movie Witness with Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis? I had a couple of a fantastic Canadian actor named John Rubish was the dad, Kelly McGillis' dad. Yeah, he was a guy with the big bushy eyebrows. Yeah, yeah, he was fantastic.

But the sexual tension between Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis, that's what made that movie. It's hard for a movie to capture sexual tension. And she was like Amish and she was a farm girl, but you could just feel through her performance, through the writing, the desire, the want to need, the passion. and she was horny, dude. Unexpressed. It was never fulfilled. I don't think they ever, did they hook up?

Oh, yeah, they hooked up, buddy. But all that sexual anxiety and tension you're talking about, you're absolutely right. That kept your interest in the movie. It kept it going. Now, imagine that same movie how unaffective it would be, how lame it would be, if it was Harrison Ford and Lindsay Lowen who just, like, squats and opens her legs

and shows her hooch underneath the skirt. I mean, there's no, you know, that's what we're talking about the Hollywood world, expressing their horniness. It takes away from the sensuality. Ugh. That was a bad vision. Well, that almost turned me

into a new transformer, Gayeus. I almost went off a girl. Whoops. Wow. I am gay, yes. I've been turned off women. It doesn't have to end in us.

What are the other? Well, what if there's a transformer named Toys or Us Us? All right. That's redundant. I am Toys or Us Us. That ends in us. Are you trying to get a product placement deal?

Boys or yes. You're very transparent. I'm hoping to get some free Nerf products. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, well, I think we covered that. We covered that. Here's something that everyone can relate to.

It's happened to all of us. I'm not going to tell you how it happened to me because I want to get your answer first. We all eat out. We all go for dinner. What is the worst thing you've ever found in your food? Some kind of foreign object, something disgusting, maybe an insect, maybe a ping pong ball. I don't know. What is the craziest most disturbing thing you may have discovered in your food?

I haven't had that much bad luck with this kind of stuff. I've definitely had little pieces of bone, like chicken bone, in like a stew or whatever. It's like it's not meant to have bone. It wasn't like there was a piece of chicken, like it wasn't like a chicken leg that had bone. It was like it should not have been there. When you first said bone, I pictured you like at eating at like Dahmer's Cafe. And there was like a femur in your salad. something you caught me off guard no no no no although that's really delicious is it oh a femur salad

just the right amount of marrow no no i've definitely had like chicken bone or whatever in there okay that's not bad that's not out of the ordinary no it's not crazy i've never had anything out of the ordinary wow i've definitely had um hair like human hair okay that's out of the ordinary it is protein but it's i mean that was gross and and that's that's happened to me more than once What was it in? What were you eating, and how long was the hair? One of them was super long. One of them I saw right away, because it was like, how could the waiter not see this?

This is industrial strength rope hair. It was huge. It was like the girl from the ring was cooking your meal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or somebody like a one muppet, like animal from the muppets. Oh, God. So, I mean, and I took only one bite of that before I said, oh, no, I know. I know what it is.

Here we go. Here we go. I was eating at an outdoor. cafe. Okay. Birds everywhere because of the crumbs everywhere. Yeah. And a bird above me, like two seats over, crapped, all right?

Okay. And I saw it hit the back of the bench. Okay. And I was afraid that it got in my food. So I returned the food and I made them replace it. So I don't know for sure. Oh. But I think there could have been bird shit in that food because it was an open-aired

Al fresco restaurant. And there were birds everywhere. And one crapped so close to me. that I was afraid it splashed into my plate. Okay, so you got a little residue, a residue. But here's a story, and you may not believe it, but this is 100% true. I used to work at a food building at a fair when I was a kid. Right.

And my cousin worked back in the day. They had Aunt Jemima pancakes, and there were these little stands. And so she hooked me up with a big stack of golden pancakes, the size of hubcaps, okay? Delicious. I'd been working all day I was dying to go eat I get my pancakes It's crowded

Because I worked in the building I was able to sneak out the back door By the loading dock I sit down I butter my flapjacks The fairground was down by the shores Of Lake Ontario And before I can even cut

Into the flapjacks I'm not kidding If this guy should be in the Olympics As a marksman A Seagull dropped a green ball of bird crap directly in the middle of my pancakes. Almost the same story.

I'm sorry I ruined yours. In the middle. No, you didn't ruin it. You made me think of it. Right. And I just had to toss my, and I starved that day. Of course, you have to toss it.

I mean, you can't eat around that. No, you can't. And because pancakes are so absorbent, you know that the Seagull turd permeated right down to the bottom flapjack. So I was scald. but here's one that was really gross this this one didn't happen to me but i was with a buddy once and we went to a restaurant down in malibu one of these places up along the coast and we went in and

we ordered uh lunch and he ordered a salad right and he's eating his salad he had like two or three bites and i look on his lip on the side of his mouth the side of his mouth up towards his nose there was a maggot crawling up the side of his face no way a maggot and i go this is what happened i go dude there is a maggot crawling on your face and he he brushes and he goes oh no that was just a little bug no it wasn't i know maggots okay yeah yeah when people talk about arlin williams they talk about maggots i've one of the things i did as a kid is if you look up there i've collected skulls my whole life. Yeah, you got some weird.

I worked in the bush. I collected animal skulls. I hang them on the wall. I know maggots. I've seen trillions of them. And the guy didn't freak out. He didn't freak out. How are you continuing to eat that?

He just brushed it away like it was a crumb. I couldn't even finish my meal. That's insane. That's crazy. And it came off the food? It didn't come out of the guy's mustache. All right. All right.

Let's get off of that because I think we both feel a little crazy. That's enough of that, yeah. All right. Big moral question here. Okay. You have a family. You love your family. Yep, yep.

You have your family you grew up with. You now have your own family. Correct. Somebody hypothetically does something bad to your family. I don't like this. They catch them. They give you the option to pull the trigger, execution style, terminate the guy. And when I say this guy did something bad to your family,

because you have a family, I don't want to. verbalize it but extreme you mean something extreme something that affects you for the rest of your life ruins your life right you have a chance the government gives you a clear slate you are allowed to even the score and pull the trigger do you do it big question here that is a very question uh would it be a traditional firing squad where i'm just one of seven no you get to basically uh i i you can do it through a scope at a hundred feet or you can be standing recriminations about me nothing they want you to do it they give you the if you don't do it they're going to do it god i don't know i think i would i think i would i mean that's a really tough question but you know it's outlaw josie wales

you know you see your wife and son raped and murdered and burnt how can you not seek vengeance how can you well here i don't know i mean It's really hard. It's a toughie. You don't want to justify one death with another, but the person who committed that gave up all their rights when they took all the rights of the person that they killed. And then the question becomes, if you do do it,

can you then live knowing that you killed a human being, regardless that they maybe took the life of someone you knew? It's a toughie. It's a very toughie. It's a very deep philosophical question. I don't know. My first thing is that I would. Yeah.

And, of course, I think that would come with the immediacy of when it happened. Like, you know, if it happened right after my loss. And I'm imagining some horrible devastating things to my family. Yeah. Don't do that too much. I don't like that. But that would be the only way I would justify, you know, killing someone else. But what if it was like three years later and I've had a chance to grieve it somewhat? What would I be more forgiving?

You know, I don't know. I think these questions are all, you know, a function of a million variables. Yeah. If it was right after it happened, I don't think I would have it. It would be like seven, Brad Pitt and seven. He still had to kill Kevin Spacey. Yeah. What's interesting is that you, your answer, you, you hesitated.

You didn't just immediate go, yeah, gone. No. So that demonstrates to me that it's a tough question that there's a tough question that there's compassion in your heart there's forgiveness but that being said in that moment yeah you don't know i don't know i mean it's a very you're asking an animal a human being just an animal yeah to respond with with civilized humanity and and that's hard because humanity is a very very thin veneer it is on top of the human animal you know and uh and and animals in the wild i don't i don't think uh attack for vengeance but they attack to protect themselves and to protect their family

Some of them do, but overall... Do they really? Are they vengeful? Well, there's a huge rivalry between hyenas and lions. Lions will kill lions will kill hyenas or other big cats just to kill them to display their dominance. Okay, so it's not protecting the food territory or the... It is to lessen the competitiveness, but some animals will just kill for the thrill, but it's not common. Right.

Yeah, so I don't know. I mean, I'm just an animal, and I think if it happened, if I was given that option shortly after the incident, I would probably cave and actually do it. If it was years later, I might have more perspective on it and try to be more forgiving. It would depend also on the criminal, if that guy showed any or that girl showed any remorse. Yeah. If they had a family, who knows? It's a tough thing. It's a very, very tough question.

We are animals, and to love. Lighten the topic here. Let's go to, it's time for your quiz. Okay, good. And guess what? It's an animal quiz. I love animal quiz. So here we go.

Cobra. Ardbach. What? Oh, my God. Cucabur. Oh, my God. You're so close. You're right around it.

Okay. Those are all animals, so you get the first part right. Okay, good. Now, I'm going to give you an animal, and in the question that I'm asking you, there will be clues as to what this animal is to help you. Did you get this off line? No, I wrote these up. These are my own.

All right. They're fun. All right, you ready for the first one? Yeah. I may be one of two of the world's only poisonous lizards, but don't call me anal. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. One of two poisonous lizards in the world, don't call me anal.

Is it the Tibetan-ass lizard? No, I'll give you another clue. of them lives in the southwestern region of the United States. And it's a lizard. It's a poisonous. It's one of two poisonous lizards. I may be one of two of the world's only poisonous lizards. Gia monster? But don't call me

anal. Right. Oh, you are. Is it a gea monster? There is a geala monster's one of them. Excellent. Excellent. But that doesn't play into the clue. There's one other one. Wait a minute. Komoto dragon is it? Listen to the clue. All right. One of two. Don't call me anal.

I know. I know. But that's that brings to mind, you know, either actual ass or someone who's just fussy, someone who's clean and tidy and, uh, no, organized, the great organized lizard of Australia? The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, here's, here's, here's where you and I differ. When you say anal, I don't think recreation. I think physiognomy, physiognology, or punctiliousness. I don't think of recreation at all. That sounds like it hurts.

I wouldn't want to be punctilion-ish to my anals. I don't know what this one is. I'm failing this quiz. It is a lizard. It's called the beaded lizard. Oh, I guess I have heard. Anal beads. Oh, my God.

I would have never gotten that. Well, maybe you've got to get more recreational. with your anus. I got to open my weekends more. You got to open your anus. I got to open my anus and my weekends up. I got to open my mind up to more things. All right.

Let's go to another one. But you didn't get the Gila monster. Out of the two poisonous lizards, you got one. So I get half a point. Yeah. And the Gila lizard lives down in the south of the border in Mexico. That's what you said southeast.

Yeah. Okay. But the beaded lizard lives in Nevada and Arizona and so on. Oh, so they're both North American or at least Central America. Yeah. Oh, crazy. This next one, I may be the world's biggest fish, so feel free to call me whale. Oh, it's not a nurse shark?

The world's biggest fish? No. I thought it was a nurse shark. Feel free to call me whale. But whales are mammals. Right. A whale shark? It's a whale shark.

Bingo. There you go. Okay, yeah. Bingo, you get that one. Oh, that's what I meant. I said nurse shark. Narsharks are tiny. I meant whale shark when I was saying nurse shark in my mind for some reason.

You're probably thinking of a nurse because you're still thinking about the pain of the a pain. Yeah. Now I'm thinking about the recreational part of the animals. Yeah. If there are any hot nurses out there listening to the podcast. Oh, there are. My core audience is hot nurses. Oh, send them all over to my please.

Oh, sure. Send them to my please. Yeah, no, whale shark, yeah. Good, good one. Great. Here's the next one. We've got a few more here for you. I am a bear, which starts with the letter B, and so does the only food that I eat.

A bear that only eats beef foods So obviously It only eats bananas So it is Quadamundi No Oh come on That was good logic

That's the name I think the Who's fourth album was Quatomonte Quadimony You're mixing it up Wait give me now a chance then All right so it's a bee It's a banshee It's a boat meal

It eats bananas It eats beans It eats broccoli It eats you're not going to say He's given me You gave me a weird look there No I'm just I'm not giving you

you're not giving me the answer all right um think of it there's one bear all it eats this is the only thing in its diet okay so it's not a polar bear then it's not a uh it's not a black bear it's not a brown bear uh it's not a codiac it is not a koala eats a eucalyptus oh panda panda panda panda eats bamboo pango there you see did you hear the thinking process about you went down the list down the right right and his brain just snagged it wow you're you're you're almost four for four that gila monster i'm giving you half okay i appreciate that uh two more let's see how you do i am probably the most religious of all insects oh praying mantis wow right that one's well now he's getting better folks yeah well now i'm figuring out your clues now see so also yeah

yeah so it's easier well it was either the praying mantis or the uh the the hooded monastery stake of butan yeah yeah i think those are but that's not an insect you don't want to talk about those because they'll put out a price on your hat. I don't want that. Last one. Here we go. Another insect question. This insect leads a really shitty life. Oh, well, Dung Beetle.

Wow. Kids on fire. Four out of five. Ding, ding, ding, ding. I can't do a bell sound. Ding, ding, ding, ding. That sounds like a bell. Yeah. It sounds more like a boxing bell than you've won a game show bell. But, you know, well, you got into the ring. You won four of the five. rounds right on that makes you the winner okay let's shift gears we're coming down to the end of our

time here but we got a few more things to ask brian right here yeah uh this is a quickie all right middle name your middle name joseph okay now if you could change it to give yourself like a fancy like superstar name brian whatever palermo right right what's that not that joseph is bad No, no, Robes Pierre. Rose Pierre. Robs Pierre. Robes Pierre. Yeah, he had something to do with the French Revolution and the reign of terror and he had a bunch of people executed.

Brian Robes-Pierre Palermo. Palermo. Palermo. Yeah, see, when you don't say it with the accent, you can't say it. Yeah, I can't. Robes-Pierre is also, it's the name of my penis. Oh. Yeah.

Oh, that's a long name, but you probably have a... That's a long penis. Wow. And they're both French. I'm glad I said at the beginning this is going to... be the short answer here um do you foresee the colonization of mars uh yes i do but but pretty far in the future i don't see it in our lifetime but uh absolutely you know um me too it's going to happen i mean have you read uh curtsvile ray curzvile no i haven't

he's just genius futurist dude and he explains uh the theory of exponential growth versus linear growth And, you know, the idea that, you know, an iPod cost $200 last year, now is only, you know, 50 bucks because the cost of these technologies halves or more every year. Right. So that's exponentially changing as opposed to linearly changes. Like every year it goes down $10. No, it went down an insane amount. It's the same, it's the same theory of an opposite effect in futurist theory where stuff that you think is science fiction today will be incredibly eminently achievable. in 50 years.

Yeah, that's what I believe. Yeah. Interesting. You'd love this guy. Ray Kurzweil guy. I'm not pronouncing the name right, but it's Kurtzbo. You would love him. You would do Mnobie's with him.

You would do Mnobie's with him. Oh, my God. But yeah, no, I think, yeah, that'll definitely happen. But out of our lifetime, I'm afraid. Okay, good. Well, that brings us to the last segment of the show. Okay. Brian is a killer improv guy.

I hate when you set me up that way. Well, okay, he's, let me, let me scrap that. Me and Brian like to do improv. Yeah, much better, much better. We have done improv together down at the groundlings, and last time Brian was here, we did an improv where we were trapped on a deserted island. Right, I forgot that, right.

But this time, since we were talking about outer space, and it doesn't have to be Mars, it can just be a planet. Okay. Brian and I are going to improv a scene where we are on a distant planet, and we're out on the surface of the planet, okay, on a mission. All right.

And you're ready to do this? Yeah. You want to be the commander or the... I don't care. Okay. We'll improvise it. All right. Here we go.

Here we are. We are stepping out of the ship, and we are now on the surface of planet... Balton. Captain? Yes, Reynolds. I'm scared, sir. Reynolds, that's normal. You should be scared.

We're the first human beings to ever set foot on this planet. it's all so weird it's green and it's flat and where's the water captain where you're describing kansas this is eminently livable we it's our job our mission to find nutrient rich vegetation on this planet balton you mean like oval teen sir something like that or something that can be distilled from an oval team like natural vegetation now my uh censor what says that it's just to the just to the north of our location here. Let's get moving. Wait a minute, Captain.

Reynolds, what is it? How do you know on this strange planet there is a north? Well, I'm going by Earth North. You're right, Reynolds. I mean, I'm going by our NASA computational instruments, but it may be wrong. What if North here on? Bolton.

Balton is southwest. You could be right, Reynolds. You're shaking my very belief in all of science. I don't know now I'm nervous now I'm having a little I'm a little panic at that A little paddock at Captain

Reynolds what is it Oh my call Stop it sir I brought some Mozarella sticks here Thank you I needed that My blood sugar is very low I needed to have

I Reynolds You need to take over the mission I'm I'm busting myself back down to corporal You as second lieutenant Are now in charge of this mission You just ordered me to a higher rank. Yes, I promoted you.

But I'm confused, sir. If I'm a higher rank, where do you get off ordering me to a higher rank? There's no possible way you could do it because I'm higher than you. I did it before. Before. That was my last act as a higher rank. Well, I'm ordering you to General Commander.

Oh, well, you are now the Grand Admiral Poo-Bah of the Universe Sector F-teen. Damn it! Ha! All right, we're going southwest. Well, we've already established that we don't know which way that is. Well, then we're going that way. Well, not so fun to be the commander of a mission, is it?

Not really. Mm-hmm. Can I get a mozzarella stick? Here's one. Walk a couple of miles in my boots. See what is the way. Oh, my God. Yeah.

What's that? There's something. It's moving. What is that? It's big. It's very. Oh, my God. It's some kind of animal.

What? It's got eyes all over its body. It must be 20, 30, 40 eyes all over his body. What is it, X commander? It's got, oh, we. we were briefed on this this is the peacock lady of balton oh my god you can tell by its fake eyes and its giant vagina oh my god i thought that was a crater but you're right it's got lips that's called the peacock lady oh wait a minute reynolds what are you doing look at that g-spot

she's presenting i'm going in i'm going in ex-commander you have to do it reynolds for america for humanity get in there tell me what it's like i'm going in if i don't come Come back, tell them that, what's my name? Reynolds. Reynolds wrap his arms around the giant space vagina. That will be your lasting legacy. I will tell your boyfriend at home that you went into the peacock lady. Thank you, Captain X commander.

Send back a text. What if I just send you back a mozzarella stick? That would be just as good. Okay. Wow. Wow. That improv got a little naughty. I'm sorry. It just...

It's okay. I said peacock lady, and then I felt like I had to justify why it was... Because the eyes on the thing justified why it was a peacock, because the peacocks have all those eyes. Oh, right. Those fake eyes, but this one had realized. But then when I admitted a lady, I thought I had to justify that. Yeah, no, that's good.

You know how you really let people know something's a lady? Tell them that as a vagina. That's usually. That's how you put the... That's one way to do it. That's one way. Well, that was a great adventure. It was.

And it was always a great adventure having you here at the Harland Highway. Fun, man. Did you have a good time today? I had a blast. I love it. Will you come back soon and ride with us down the Harland Highway podcast? Absolutely will. Ladies and gentlemen, I'll say it one more time.

Brian Palermo, eh? Thank you, sir. Thanks, buddy. We'll talk to you soon. This is Harlem Williams. You've been riding down the Harland Highway with Brian Palermo. You can catch him at the Groundlings in Hollywood, California, on Melrose Boulevard. Go to groundlings.com, and you can look Brian up and catch any of his upcoming shows.

He's there all the time, hilarious. And until next time, chicken chow main, baby. Got any more mozzarella sticks? Ha ha ha ha.