The Harland Highway - Podcast 113

Episode Date: May 19, 2010

Keith Richards from Rolling Stones, Overpopulation, peeling beer labels, hockey fights. Nitrus on a nightride Billy!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Chim-chim-chim-chim-chim-chery, I've got a podcast for you and a bumblebee. I couldn't think of a rhyme, so I just, how lame. What a lame way to start the podcast, but I promise it gets better from here. Do you believe me? Do you put your faith in me? Do you? Are you just tuning out of it? No, it ain't going to, he ain't delivering.

It ain't happening. Nice try. That chim-chim-chimmery thing. at the beginning just there's no overcoming that faux pa well how about this what if I promised you a story

about Keith Richards the guitarist from the Rolling Stones would that keep you stimulated would that keep you here what if I told you he was calling in to the show today uh huh yeah now you're changing your mind all you people

out there and speaking of all you people we're going to be talking about overpopulation of people the crisis, the mounting body count of all us human beings. Now, as long as all of you are listening to the Harland Highway, I don't care, but all other aspects of life are being affected by all the people on the planet. We're also going to be talking about hockey fights, which most of you have been in, I know,

and an urban myth peeling the labels off of beer bottles. What the hell does it mean? Does it mean something sexual? We're going to find out right here on the Oh So Sexy, Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely.

It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your dad. Daddy. Well, it finally happened. Keith Richards from the Rolling Stones went over the edge and snorted his father.

Now, before you get the wrong idea here, his father was dead. His father had been cremated. his father was in an urn and his father was ashes good old keith as a final tribute to his dearly departed dad decided to mix some of the ashes of his father in with some of his cocaine and he snorted it up his nose okay fitting tribute what was once the father becomes the son the son becomes the father you know the circle of life type of deal. My only problem is what if Keith Richards got a really good high off his father? What if

snorting dead people became the new rage? How'd your mother die? Oh, she had a heart attack. Oh, did you bury her? Hell no, we burnt her up and snorted her all weekend. Wahoo! What a party! Thanks a lot,

Keith Richards. We'll be making a fortune down at the I can just hear you doing the eulogy at my funeral, right? Law, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, right up my nose. The Harland Highway. What a dumb ass, huh? Only Keith Richards. But I wonder, it poses an interesting question.

Should we be finding better things to do with our deceased? Is that disrespectful to say that? I mean, look, we have organ donor cards, right? We donate kidneys and hearts and eyeballs and pancreases. And, you know, is it wrong to think that maybe we should use the nutrients from a dead corpse to turn into fertilizer to cattle food? to some kind of cat food? I don't know. I know it's morbid.

It's a weird topic. But, you know, tell me donating your organs isn't a bit creepy. I mean, granted, it helps saves lives. It gives people new life, but you got to admit, it's frigging creepy, man. You know? Some guy rolls his minivan on the highway. He dies. And an hour later, some surgeons are cutting all his.

major parts out and sticking them in an 11-year-old girl? Yeah, that's, that's, ugh. So what about it? Should human beings be allowed to donate their bodies to other causes? Would it be wrong to help put back into the earth what we took out of it? Think of all the food we ate, the tomatoes, the potatoes, the corn. Think of all the trees we cut down To build our buildings, our homes, our sky rises

You know, is it wrong to have bodies churned up And turned into fertilizer and sprinkled back onto good old mother earth Maybe there's something more spiritual Maybe there's something more giving to doing that As opposed to just being burnt And put over a mental place or put in a bun and buried in a, in a graveyard. Sure, there's people listening going,

oh, my God, how disrespectful. What's the matter with you? Okay, before you get your long johns in a twizzle, let me just say this. I'd be willing to do it. Okay, I'm not going to be here on planet Earth taking up time and space anymore. And you know what they say about mass?

it just constantly moves. Gas, solid, liquid, right? So, me dying, am I in the end able to give something back that I took, that I used to sustain life? I don't know that I'm opposed to that. Maybe that's a good idea. Maybe I'm on the doorstep of a whole new industry.

Recycled humans incorporated. Good afternoon, Mr. Smith, and how would you like to be recycled? I'd like to be turned into one of those blue recycling garbage cans, please. Excellent, that'll be $300. Oh, my God, that's a little expensive. Well, we can throw you on a field full of cauliflower for $12.99. I'll take it. I mean, why not, man?

There are six billion of us here on planet Earth. Maybe it's time we should. stop taking up more land with uh you know with graveyards and uh we start giving back maybe we have virtual graveyards maybe graveyards become an online thing maybe i just started another industry graveyards dot com now you can visit your loved ones in a virtual graveyard so you're not using up real estate i mean let's be honest how many people ever go to the graveyard to visit dead people. Be honest.

Not many of you, man, okay? And you fly over any town or city. There are acres and acres and acres of prime real estate holding all these bodies that, you know, let's be real. Most people have just forgotten. Time is forgotten. Half the gravestones are so worn away by the elements. You don't even know who's there.

Who the hell's here? I don't know. McCready. McCrackley, McCrunchin, release the cracking? I don't know. Maybe we have to put a whole new spin on death as the world populates. And don't sit there and go, oh, what an ass, what a... You know, the only reason humans really have a death industry is because of our egos.

You know, humans have such egos. We're the king of the food chain. We're the dominant species. We're at the top of the pecking order. All other living things answer to humans. So even in death, we can't just let go. It's like, well, I can't be gone. What?

That's ludicrous. What do you mean I'm not here anymore? Are you crazy? You go down and get me a prime piece of real estate right in the middle of the city and get a big giant piece of granite, and you carve my name in that, and you put it there, so that everybody can walk into that peaceful park and look at me doing nothing, underground. But at least you can read my name on a rock.

By the way, you'll probably never come to visit me anyhow. Correct. So, I guess what I'm saying is as we consume more and more of the world, as we overtake more of our natural surroundings, as we start living on top of each other and pushing out and developing. Did Keith Richards have it right? Is there another use for what we know as the human body? It's just a scientific question.

It's an ecological question. Don't be offended. Don't let your human ego get all over this. You know what? At the end of the day, if we didn't have our houses and we didn't have our subways and we didn't have our laptops. Guess what?

You'd be crapping in the woods just the way a wolf or a bear or a deer is, okay? So don't go all high and mighty human on me, human. What's up, human? Lead back, human. I'm in Miami trick. God. Humans get so fired up about how great they are.

We're great to ourselves, man. You ask any other species living out in the... Ask the moose whose forest we destroyed. Ask the beaver whose dam we blew up. Ask all the species, the thousands of extinct species and all the endangered species that are hanging on by a thread just how great us humans are. Oh, I'm sure they love us.

Oh, high and mighty humans, you are at the top of the pecking order. We love you. You're so smart. You invented computers. Yeah, all that stuff's only important to us, folks. So what I'm saying is, call me if you want to start a new industry. Graveyards.com, okay? Online virtual graveyards.

And then the back end of the business, we distribute shredded body parts all over the country and fertilize good old Mother Earth. No? Okay. Well, I tried. Let's see what happens. They've got to tell people. Tell them what?

The ocean's dying. Plankton's dying. It's people. Soilent green is made out of people. You ever see that old movie, Soiling Green, with Charlton Heston. It's about the future of human society And it kind of goes back to what I was just talking about How there's so many of us

We're living on top of each other And it goes a step beyond what I was talking about I was talking the use of people In more of like an agricultural way But in Soiling Green, man Got to the point when people died They started turning it into these little green things That looked like cheese nips

They called it Soiling Green And it was made from deceased people They're making our food out of people Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for food You gotta tell them You gotta tell them Promise Tiger, I promise I'll tell the exchange You tell everybody

Listen to me, Hatcher You gotta tell them Silent green is people. We've got to stop them somehow. And just for the record, I go great with scalloped potatoes and a nice peppercorn sauce, if you ever end up getting to me as your entree. And let me... Hold on.

Hold on. Our phone's ringing. Raj. Yeah, I can't do the show. Our phone's ringing. Yeah, pick it up. Who? From the Rolling Stones.

He heard the bit we did earlier about him snorting his dead dad. Yeah. And he's pissed? Mr. Richards? Yeah, what is I got the... Hello, Mr. Richards? Yeah, well, you know, the thing you're going to have to slow down, sir. I can't understand you.

Okay, I don't speak your kind of tone it down, you know, the bloody man, and the grueling right. Let me get you called, bloody English, Keith. I mean, I don't speak your kind of English. You got to tone it down and enunciate. All right. All right. Get it, Raj. Get them off.

It's probably all cranked up on corpses or something. Get them off. God. Unbelievable. Shut up. Harland Williams. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, speaking of overpopulating, right, and creating more people, this is a weird thing that I don't know if you've ever heard it.

I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but you're in a bar with your buddies, and you're sitting there, and you've got a bottle of beer in your hand, And you start fiddling with the label on the beer, and you slowly peel it off, and you get the whole thing off. And one of your buddies goes, oh, my God, man, you, like, peeled the label off your beer. Yeah? Well, you're getting laid tonight, dude.

What? Yeah, didn't you know, man, if you, like, peel the label off your beer successfully without ripping it, you get laid immediately. Like, it's a known fact. Really? Yeah. Okay, I'm waiting. Um I'm still waiting

Well it's a fact Uh huh And how come we're not even a near hot girls There's not even one girl around us Uh maybe appealed it backwards the wrong way man Oh brother Who the hell comes up with these dumb ideas How in any

You know, all the forces that be in the universe, all the forces coming together. How does some dumb redneck in a bar peel in a Coors light label off his brown beer bottle equal he gets laid, man? What DipWod came up with that theory? Do you know how many beer bottles would be sold daily? If that's all it took to get laid, you see a hot chick who's standing in the street, you walk up to her with a beer bottle, and you're like, What are you doing? I'm peeling a beer bottle label, lady.

What the hell? Get that away from me. Why are you doing that? Because when I get it off, we're going to have sex, man. Get out of here. I'm calling the place. Oh, oh! Oh, it came off. Oh. Oh, let me take my clothes off.

Oh, my God, you're so sexy. First I thought you were just an unshaven smelly pig, but as soon as you took that beer label off your bottle. Oh, my God, take me. Make love to me right here on the curb. Put my head on the sewer grate and stick that 7-Eleven big cup under my ass and pound me, pound me here on the sidewalk.

Walk in front of everyone! What the hell? Come on, grow up, people. Peel in a stupid label off a beer bottle, get you laid. Unbelievable, man. Oh, we can be so silly sometimes, can't we? But I'll tell you what. Pour what's inside the beer bottle inside a beautiful woman

and do that about, you know, five or six of them. And maybe your chances are better of getting laid. You know, I don't usually make out with guys to look as ugly as you, but after all these beers, take me, I don't care. And then it poses the bigger question. What happens if you tear the label off of other things, man? Right? Like, what if I tear the label off a roll of pills,

Gran's. What does that lead to? Oh, I've been shot. Oh, my God, what happened? I don't know. I just peeled the label up. Ah, I've been shot again. Oh, my God, what's going on?

I just peeled the label off these Pillsbury Crescent rolls. Ah! You know? What kind of dumb logic? Stupid theory is that? Wait a minute. Maybe I shouldn't jump to conclusions. There is that new neighbor that moved in next door.

Let me see if she... See if this... Ow! She... I just got a paper cut. Great. Okay. Great. Didn't work. And now I'm bleeding. Hi, this is Harland Williams, and you're listening to the Harland Highway. We've all heard the term looking at the world

through rose-colored glasses. Well, here's something new Try pulling your underpants off And putting them over your face Just stretch them over your head And try looking at the world Through a freaked out fruit of the loom flyhole Yeah, just another friendly tip

From me, Harland Williams here On the Harland Highway Oh, yes, men's fly holes. Such a weird little contraption. I know you ladies can't experience this, but, guys, isn't it kind of funny that when we go to take a pee in a public restroom or anywhere, we got to, like, undo the fly, right?

Whether you got the button fly or the zipper. And then it's so bizarre. We as guys, we actually have to go fishing around in our pants for our hot dogs. Okay? Because through the course of the day, there's shifting, there's movement. You may be sitting driving a truck. You may be rock climbing. You may be sitting in a cubicle.

You may have been doing some exercise at the gym. But whatever you're doing, your weiner, if you're a. guy always ends up in kind of a different spot it might be over to the left it might be stuck up to the side it might be pressed between your balls it might be stuck to your balls i don't know but it's so funny we have to go in and fish around for our wiener and pull it out and it's funny when you do it it's like guys have to uh i think it's usually done with with the pointing finger and the thumb. And you kind of have to reach in there

with these two specific fingers. It's almost like tweezers fingers. You know, when you use your thumb and your pointing finger to pick up very delicate things. You know, maybe you dropped a pin on a table or you're building a ship in a bottle and you're gluing it, and you've got everything between your pointing finger

and your thumb, right? So men have to unzip and then grapple around in there. And sometimes, you know, you don't know what your weaner's done during the day or during the time that it's been caged in your pants. And every now and then, right, guys, you reach in there and you're kind of like, wait, where is it? Where'd you go? Wait, what's that? No, that's, oh, there you are, there you are, and you pull it out.

Because, you know, let's be honest, guys, the weaner is kind of harder to figure out when it's like all wrinkly and small and tucked away. It's not doing anything. It's not excited in any way. It can shrivel up pretty small, and it's like you've got to dig around for it. It is just grossing anyone out. Ladies, did you really need to hear this? So the next time you're looking at a guy's fingers when you're holding hands with them,

just kind of hold up his hand and ladies look at him. the eye and grab his thumb at his pointing finger and just softly say is this your wiener pulling fingers pardon me is this the um is this the two um fingers and your thumb that you um grab your wiener with what are you talking about you know when you're going to take a pee and you're fishing around for your wiener i got to go Where to get your weaner? Just stop it. What, you don't like talking about your wrinkly little weiner?

Stop it. Why don't you get your weener fingers out and grab your little wrinkly little weiner. Stop it. Weiner fingers, weaner fingers. Show me your weaner fingers. Yeah, next time you're out, ladies, ask your guy about his weener fingers.

Throw him off guard. He'll be so good. What? What are you talking? what are weiner fingers you know the two that you grab your weiner with when you go to take a pee i want you to do it tell me the expression on his face tell me how he reacts he'll be like where where did you hear that what are you talking about let me know what he says i think it could be funny 323 215 1486 is my number leave me a message tell me how the weener finger conversation went

With your bow. And there goes a Philadelphia flyer dancing around a New York Ranger. There's a swing, an uppercut to the jaw. There's a bunch in the kidneys, and it looks like, oh, a round-pouse kick with the hockey skate, and he knocked them out. Just love a good hockey fight. It's really the only place in the world outside of a... the boxing ring where two guys can just start beating the crap out of each other and there's no

lawsuit at the end of it. I mean, imagine if the same two guys were in a bar. They just started throwing down the gloves and wailing on each other. Society doesn't allow that. You'd be in court so fast. Somebody would be suing somebody. Here's these guys skating around, chasing a little. black puck and suddenly somebody looks at him the wrong way and it's go time baby you just get to see a full-fledged bar fight in the middle of an arena but at the end of it they go sit in their little box and shake it off I think that's what most people don't understand about hockey fights is if you've played hockey you know I play a lot of hockey and I've had some rough ups I've had some

punches and some throws and some body checks and what's fun about all that is that you can get really angry and violent with a guy during the game but what's weird is at the end of the game you line up and everyone shakes hands and you shake hands with the guy you went at it with and yeah you're a little steamed at the guy but you realize it's almost part of the game it's part of the sport. Very bizarre. You don't get in a bar fight and after the bar fight's over, you walk over to the guy and say, dude, great fight, man. Hey, way to go. Nice punch in the face he gave me. And man, man, when you kick me in the hello, hello. So even though the fights are violent, and I know they look savage in a way, they're gentlemen's fights. Because hockey players are

tough guys. They get punched, they shake hands, they go out for a beer, they come back and do it again. And we wonder why our court systems are so backed up. If only we could all just have a hockey player mentality, beat the

crap out of each other in real life and just go on our merry way. Oh, what a wonderful world that would be. Yeah, right. And speaking of wonderful. I hope you had a wonderful, wonderful time here today on the Harland Highway with me, your host, Harland Williams. Don't forget, you can call me at 323-215, 1486 with your thoughts and

comments, criticisms, observations, what have you. And you can also email me if you have a topic you want me to talk about or any type of comment at harlandwilliams.com is the email address. And, you know, that's my way of bringing you into the discussion. It's my way of pulling you into my iPod. Why do I keep saying an iPod? My podcast. I'm not pulling you into my iPod. I don't think you'd fit, okay?

I think I could maybe get one of your fingers or I think. thumbnail or part of an ear into my iPod but that's it man the rest of you ain't going to make it in um so there you go that's our podcast for today thank you so much for uh riding along i hope everything is cheery and good in your world and if not do something today or tonight to treat yourself make yourself smile buy yourself a little chocolate bar take yourself to a movie go get an ice cream um just treat yourself nice okay that's my tip for you uh that's it we'll catch you on the next uh podcast thanks for coming along and until next time my friends chicken chow me baby they're making our food out of people next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for food

You gotta tell him You gotta tell him Silent Green is people