The Harland Highway - Podcast 114

Episode Date: May 21, 2010

Romance and bad boys, Hooters, Smoking, and Dr. Ascot. Mumbly marble meat! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Here I come, walking down the street, got plenty of podcast for everyone I meet. Hey, hey, I'm a podcaster. Hey, what's up, people? A little jingle jangle for you right there out of the gate, ripping off some monkeys. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Great to have you here, as always. It's always an extreme pleasure to have you along for the ride on the highway.

Today we're going to be talking about some great stuff. We're going to be delving into romance. What do people look for in romance? And why does so many women like the bad boy? Why does so many women like men that are abusive? Makes no sense to me, but we're going to discuss it. We're going to be talking about hooters. Yeah, that's right, hooters.

I'll just leave it right there. I think you know what I'm talking about when I say hooters. but who knows? Could go the other way on you. And then sadly, speaking of going the other way, I wish this guy would just go away. It's Friday.

Dr. Ascott is here, and I got a visit with him, which I never love. So let's see what happens with him today. And then lastly, we're going to be talking about smoking. Are you having trouble quitting? I don't know.

You're going to find out here on the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway.

I'm not your daddy. Hmm. Hello, this is Harlan. Williams and you have a beautiful girl but you don't want to let her know how much you like her take her to the movies but just to show her that you're not really that into her take her to a documentary yes a boring documentary about global warming or a war or how cars are made yes be sure to not give too much of your emotional self away take a girl to a documentary

and don't forget to make her pay for the snacks just another friendly romantic tip here on the Harland Highway Do you ever catch yourself doing that in the romantic game of romance

it is weird isn't it how sometimes when you really like someone or someone really likes you instead of laying on the affection and the adoration and all that good stuff, they'll go the opposite way. They'll treat you bad or they'll ignore you or they'll shun you or kind of have attitude with you. You ever notice that?

It's weird, man. And sometimes somehow it seems to be the way things work. I can't tell you how many girls I've met over the years. Just friends or acquaintances that say, oh, yeah, the worse a guy treats me, the more I like him. I like a bad boy. I mean, does anyone get that? I mean, I certainly think a woman should be entitled to a manly man, you know.

But a guy that just treats her like crap? I don't know. I think there's got to be issues. with those girls, man, because I certainly don't want to be treated like that. You know, you get enough of that from the rest of the world, man. You know, you're driving down the road. Someone flips you off or someone buds in line at the ATM or someone pushes you. You're at a nightclub and they bash your drink over and then they turn around and yell at you.

And, I mean, isn't there enough of that in the world? Is that what you really want from the person you're hoping to get close to? I don't know, man. People certainly can be weird when it comes to how they choose a partner or someone to be with. Hi, how are you? What's up? I really like you. Yeah, can I punch you in the face?

Oh, I wish you would. Oh, thank you. Does that mean you like me? Not yet. Oh, thank you. How about now? Do you like me? We're getting close, baby. Oh, my. I really like you. You want to go on a romantic picnic or something? No, I don't, but how about one of these? Excellent suggestion. I wish I had thought of that.

Yeah, well, here's something for not thinking about it. Oh, my goodness. Is it just me? Or are we falling in love? No, you might be. All I'm feeling is Oh my God, I want to have your children. Yeah, I just don't get it, man. Some of these women that want to be treated badly, borderline abused, and that's what gets them off. I got to believe, though, that in the long term, that never works.

I think there's this attraction to this idea of a bad boy and a tough guy and a... But in reality, man, if you're a dude, and you push a woman around. You're not a tough guy, dude. You're just a wuss. You are a wuss. You're a bully. You're a brute.

There should be no dudes pushing women around, man. But you ladies that are out there and think that being abused is cool. I don't know. Either get yourself checked into a shrink and have your daddy issues looked at. Or just break the habit. and start looking for a respectable guy that's going to treat you like gold, treat you well, and don't put up with any BS. And that's just me, Harlem Williams, your host, looking out for you right here

on the oh-so romantic Harland Highway. Ah, summer, 1942, I'll never forget how you danced through the surf and your long white flowing robe, Charlize. We met under the moonlight and the star-filled skies, the tropical breeze blowing through the palms. Nightbirds calling on the wing and the distant sound of ships out across the sea. I'll never forget as I held your hand

and we skipped and we jumped and froliced in the waves. And suddenly I found a Portuguese man of war drifting upon the surf and I picked it up. and grinded it in your face. Your face puffing up, having a reaction as the poison-filled tentacles stung you in your eyes and on your cheeks. Wonderful night of romance.

And then we laid upon the sand. I gazed into your sparkling green eyes, your skin so fair in the moonlight. Suddenly a giant crab walked up and pinched your nose and blood started gushing all over. the white sands. Oh, how I laughed and froliced as you lay there rolling around,

seaweed in your hair, trying to rip the giant claws of the crab off of your face, your screams piercing the night, and no one around to hear them. Ah, I do miss the summers, Shalise. I'll never forget that romantic night as we moved to the hammock. The hammock put between the two palm trees bending in the wind, And I gently rocked you back and forth, singing to you.

And then I started to push you faster and faster and faster yet until suddenly you were spinning around like a moth and a cocoon in the hammock, twirling and screaming trying to break free until finally the rope snapped, and you went flying through the air and hit your face against the palm tree, conking it like a cheap coconut. I'll never forget. Hey, hey, what are you doing, dude? I'm reading a romantic letter.

No, that's not romantic. It's borderline violent. It's awful. Excuse me, I'm trying to read a romantic letter. Get out of here. It's creepy, man. I'll never forget how the coconuts fell from the tree and cracked on your skull, and you lay there bleeding with your brain.

Get out of here! Unbelievable. What is that? guy. I'm trying to read some romantic letter. They're not romantic. They're vile as what they are. Good Lord! As I buried you up to your knees of the sand and the tsunami wave came and snapped your spine. Get out! Okay, I am mad. I am mad at the establishment. I am mad at the man. And here's why. I don't like to be misled. I went into hooters. the other day, and they're famous for their wings, right?

Okay, it's Hooters. Their mascot is an owl. Okay, I see the Hooters sign with the picture of the owl. I'm led to believe that somehow there's an owl-based product involved in the Hooters' experience. So I go in, and they go, would you like some wings, sir? And I go, what kind of wings you got? We got honey barbecue, we got buffalo, we got extra spicy, we got dry ribs. I'm like, hmm, you know what?

I've had chicken wings before, but I've never had owl wings. Bring me some owl wings. Excuse me, sir. Owl wings. We don't serve owl wings, sir. Your sign says Hooters, there's an owl on your logo there. I don't want tiny little chicken wings, okay?

Owls have like five-foot wingspans. I want some big, hearty owl wings. I want some snowy owl wings. I want some screech owl wings. wings and bring me a side order a barn owl wings and I don't want them to smell like manure either. Sir, we don't have

wings. Oh really? Then what does hooters mean? What's with the owl thing? Well, sir, between me and you, hooters means these. What are those? These are my hooters. So this place isn't all about owl

meat? Yes, sir. Okay, then I'll take an order of those. Sir, yeah, give me some buffalo boobs, some honey garlic boobs, I want some hot and spicy boobs, I want some dry boobs, sir. How would you like those owl wings done? Harlan Williams. That's right, Thunder Jugs. Oh, yeah, Hooters, man.

I wonder what it's like coming from another country and you see a place like Hooters. Huh? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for, Free and fast. Don't wait.

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So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into the dark, and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian.

A lot of people done. in a lot of weird ways and you're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up on August days This is where the story really starts Weapons And I wonder if they have trouble with it

Like, you know, cockney people from the United Kingdom, English people They're like, hey look, Mike, would you tell me how to get at OUAS? I'm sorry? Who is? What are you looking for? Oh, look, I won't get to Ooters.

You want to get to Ooters. Yeah, that's right. Ooters. I don't know what you're talking about, sir. You know, the place where they got the big Ooters. They've got big Ooters. Yeah, that's what I said, mate. Ooters.

You know, I won't get Ooters. Have a lime and loggar. Have some, like, wings and whatnot. Outs. Good Lord. And owls. man i don't know is that an insult to an owl aren't they the the wisest of all the birds and they've been reduced to like tits sorry to be so crass but uh you know i don't know i wonder if it

pisses them off their big owl eyes did you know this too i didn't know this till recently but that owls they cannot move their eyes they're they have perma stare they're like they're like peeping thoms. Owls cannot shift their eyes back and forth the way we can. We can shift our eyes left to right, up and down, around in circles. If you're from certain areas of Nebraska, you can have like cross-eyes. Owls cannot do that. They're permanently affixed, and that's why owls can turn their heads so much. That's why they can pivot their heads almost all the way around. In fact, they actually have extra bones in their neck

that lets them move their heads around. I guess if nature isn't going to let you move your eyes, it might as well let you spin your head around on your shoulders, right? Wow. I wish we had that, man. Why don't humans have that? Then when we're driving, no more rearview mirrors, no more side mirrors. Right?

You could just be like twirling your head around all sides looking for oncoming traffic. Imagine how many accidents that would prevent. Maybe I could get surgery done and lower my insurance. Hey man, how much is my premium? Well, it says here you had the owl rotating head surgery, so we're going to drop your car insurance rate by 40%. That's awesome. By the way, do you have any mice around here?

I'm getting hungry. me? Who, who, who, who. Pardon me, sir? What was that? Who, who what? Who what? You're scaring me, sir.

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Yeah, owls, man. They are smart, though, man. There was one who went in my tree the other night. I was watching TV, and I can hear it outside. I got these big pine trees growing behind my house, and I went out with the flashlight. I swear to God, it's like freezing out.

standing out there, you know, with a flashlight looking around in the branches for an owl. Man, maybe I better join a social club or something. What's that say about me? Ten at night. I'm in the yard with a flashlight searching for owls in the tree. Never found them. The thing was just mocking me. You know, and my lights going up and down every brand.

I can hear him. He's like, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. You bastard. Um, so there you go. Uh, get to Hooters, have some owl wings, and, uh, get your eat on. Uh-huh. Hello? Hello?

Hi, Harlan. My name is Victoria McCurdy, and I'm just calling to say how much I enjoy your show. Anyway, I just really enjoy you. I look so forward to driving home on the Iron and I way every day, and I just thought it would give you a call and let you know. So keep up the good work and keep entertaining. Bye. Oh, well, thank you. Hey, nothing beats a little positive reinforcement, right? Let's see if there's any more of that in the old answering machine.

Hey, Harpenter. My name is Diane Carpenter. I just want to let you know you're doing a great job. The only character I might get rid of would be Cinnamon Boy. Sometimes it's a little bit too much, but otherwise your show is great. Bye. Oh, thank you so much. Finally, somebody that agrees with me. I cannot stand that little Cinnamon Boy freak. That kid... Did someone mention my name? Oh, what are you doing here?

I thought I heard the name Cinnamon Boy. Yeah, you did. Well, that's me. I'm Cinnamon Boy. And I love cinnamon. Look, nobody likes you, kid. Nobody wants you around. Well, you may not want me, but everyone always loves cinnamon.

Oh, kid, get out of here. The fresh smell of cinnamon. But no one loves cinnamon more than me. Why is that, kid? Because I'm cinnamon, boy. And I love cinnamon! Get out of here! Oh, yeah, that's why we hate him.

He is too much. Harlan, this is David in Denver. I just had a quick question for you. Did you get into radio before or after the frontal lobotomy? Toot-a-loop. I got into radio before the frontal lobotomy. No, no wait. After the frontal lobot.

No, before. No, after. After the front. before, after. I don't know, man. Don't ask me these stressful questions because the front part of my brain was surgically removed. And just so you know, I'm going in for a real lobotomy, so the show's just going to get better and better.

Keep on listening. Keep your calls coming. The Harland Highway. My name is Docitina, and I'm going to kill you. I like it how some people think I'm on the radio. You know, I just play along, but we're not on the radio. This is a podcast, okay? We're in the pod, people.

We're not on the radio. We're in the pod. And we're floating towards a distant planet together in this cramped up little pod. Yeah, Cinnamon Boy is annoying as hell. I got to tell you as annoying as Cinnamon Boy is, nothing annoys me more than what I have to do right now. Oh, because it's Friday, I got to sit with my stupid shrink,

mandatory shrink session because the powers the bee that produce and run my podcast feel I've got a nut loose, and so here we go. Uh, got to sit with this moron, Dr. Ascot. Oh, brother. Here we go.

Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Alland. What are we doing today? I can't wait. Holland, be patient. It's hard to be patient because I just want to get this over with. Allend. What?

Holland. Stop it. You're starting to grind immediately. Holland, today, I'm going to do what's known as a raw shock test. A raw shock test. That's the thing where you hold up the paper with the stains on it, and I'm supposed to see butterflies and stuff. Exactly, Arland.

Well, why am I doing that? Why am I doing a raw shock test? Holland. Well, why? Holland, by analyzing your interpretations of the raw shock stains, I can then analyze them and feel. Figure out your inner problems. My inner problems, Holland.

Okay, can we get this over with? Hold up your Ross Shock cards. And let's see what you got. Here is the first one, Holland. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. It looks like a bumblebee hit a windshield. Very interesting, Holland.

Okay, great. Next. All right, Holland. How about this one? Uh, I don't know. It looks like a brown starfish. Very interesting, Holland. Okay, come on. Keep them coming. Yes, how about this one, Holland?

Uh, I don't know. It looks like a brown sea urchin kind of. Yes, Holland. Very interesting. How about this one, Holland? I don't know. It actually looks like a, I don't know, like a long streak or something. And why are they brown? I thought these things were supposed to be black. I couldn't find my black ones, Holland. Okay. How about this one, Arland?

I don't know. It looks like a dragon fighting a butterfly. What is the point of this? And what is that smell in here? Nothing, Holland. And why are these raw shock? It looks like they're on rice paper. Aren't they supposed to be on cardboard cards?

Normally they are, Holland. And what is that stink? Holland, how about this one? I don't know. That one looks like... That one looks kind of three-dimensional. It looks like a puddle of mud. And is that a peanut I see in there?

Holland ignore the peanut. Wait a minute. What the hell? Is that toilet paper? Holland, just pay attention to the cards. What the hell? How hell is that? Holland, I lost my raw shock cards.

You lost your raw shock cards. Yes, Holland. Wait a minute. You lost your raw shock cards. You come in here with this flimsy rice paper and you have these brown stains on... What the hell is that? Nothing, Holland. Oh, my God.

Is that toilet paper? Holland pay attention and read the raw shock desk. What the hell? Is that toilet paper, Dr. Ascot? possibly Holland. Oh my God. Are those raw shock samples? Maybe, Holland.

What do you mean maybe? Why is there a peanut on one of those and why are they brown and why are they on toilet paper? Holland, I lost my other cards with the black raw shock test and I had to improvise. What are you talking about improvise? This is toilet paper, Holland. Are you telling me that I'm,

I'm sitting here interpreting your butt wipe. Exactly, Arlen, but you're doing an excellent job. Oh, my God. Get out of here. Are you insane? Arlen, just a few more. Are you insane? You brought your at, your skin marks in. Get out of here. Holland, how about this one with the corn niblet? Get out of here! I'm calling the police.

Arland. How about this one, Arland? It's a real long one. Get out of here! Look at this one, Arland. It's shaped like a funny little giraffe. Out! Oh, my God. That guy just keeps getting worse and worse and worse. Am I right?

Good God. I swear he's going to do something like illegal. Can you believe the guy comes in here and has me analyzing his skin marks? What the hell is wrong with that guy? holy jumping unbelievable so yeah i find him way more annoying than cinnamon boy let me tell you i got to i got to take a little break and get some air freshener in here and catch my breath we'll be right back after this this is harland williams and you're listening to the harland highway and it's time for another friendly tip.

Do you smoke, cigarettes? Are you getting bored with smoking the same oral fixation day in and day out? Well, try this. Try lighting your cigarette and turning it around the other way. Smoke it so that the burning embers are in your throat. Inhale deeply and scorch out your windpipe.

Inhale the delicious smoke. and char the back of your tongue. You'll be the coolest smoker in your whole gang. Just another friendly tip from me, Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway. Yeah, what do you think, smoking? Are you still smoking these days, huh? Are you still doing it, folks? It seems to me that you see less of it, right? You see less and less of people. people smoking, at least where I hang around.

You know, and I got to say, it is one of the dumbest, dumbest things I think that humans do. Among the billions of dumb things we do, smoking is just ridiculous. I don't know if you've ever been to Canada, but you should see the cigarette boxes up in Canada, man. They are like, you might as well be standing over roadkill. all right i'm not kidding they have bright colored photographs right on the box right on the

carton of cigarettes of people with like gum cancer right it holds them pulling their lip back and it's a close up of their rotten black gum and a tooth barely hanging on they got pictures of like uh they'll have a picture of a good healthy pink lung and then like a shriveled up black long right they've got uh they've got just these horrible pictures of things that are side effects of smoking. And I think they're starting to do this in other countries now. They're starting to adopt this where I just saw a thing on the news the other day. I forget which country it was.

It might have been Ireland or it might have been the UK, maybe Australia. But basically there can be no brand name, no advertising on the actual carton of cigarettes. The whole face of the carton is just a picture of, like, a cancer-riddled esophagus or some kind of hideous, you know, effect from smoking. Ugh. It's pretty weird. It is just a dumb, dumb thing to do, you know? It's like people have a lot of habits, but smoking just.

seems so weird like you know drinking you know in a way you kind of get it because drinking is part of survival you need liquid in your body obviously you don't need alcohol but but somehow drinking feels a little more organic you know it's something that we would naturally do is drink and people with eating obsessions you eat you know um but smoking you know imagine the the first time saw smoke the first people that saw smoke a tree was on fire right got hit by lightning and the cavemen were all standing around and there's smoke billowing off of it do you think the first caveman went oh my god i got to eat some of that i got to get some of that that wispy white i can't reach clouds i've always wanted to eat a cloud but they're too out of reach but look at that smoke oh i just want

breathing in oh oh that's nice oh nothing like the feel of burnt pine tree in my lungs i don't know just it's just kind of a bizarre practice to me it's definitely uh not organic to the human system the human body it's uh it's a very strange thing indeed but uh you know if you're stuck smoking smoking and you're trying to quit. There's a great short story by Stephen King. You should find it. It's called Quidders, Inc. It's, you know, I think the thing's about 20 pages long or whatever.

It's a great short story about this guy who could not quit smoking no matter what he did, right? So we found this card, or he met some guy at a train station or something, and he had a business card from Quidders, Inc. and they guaranteed that you quit smoking, right? So to desperation, this guy says, you know what, I'll give it a shot. So, you know, he pays 500 bucks. He joins Quidders, Inc.

And they just say, okay, just let us do the work. And from here on in, from this moment, you cannot smoke, right? So the guy walks away and he's, you know, he's like nothing's really happening. He doesn't really hear from anyone from Quidders Inc. He doesn't get any correspondence, and he's at home, and he's restless, and he lights up a cigarette. And he's on his, like, second puff,

and all of a sudden he hears, like, a noise in his closet. And he goes over and he looks, and he sees a pair of shoes and some legs from behind all his clothes. Okay? there's some guy standing in his closet so he freaks out he runs away he puts a cigarette out and then he uh you know he's out another day and he starts smoking and he comes home and his wife has three broken fingers and he's like what the hell and then he lights another one later on and uh some guy shows up with a baseball club and smashes his shin bone it's it just keeps getting

worse and worse but i thought it's a great little little story. If you get a chance, maybe you can download it or something. Quitters Inc. by Stephen King. It's a short story. It gets really violent and creepy, and it's very entertaining. And if you're having trouble quitting your habit, maybe you should look them up. Or maybe if you just want to get rid of your husband or wife, call them up too. But whatever you do, don't quit the Harland Highway. Unfortunately, I have to quit right now. Our Time is up. I hope you had a great time.

I know I did, except for Dr. Ascott. And we'll catch you next time right here on the Harlan Highway. And tell them, my friends, chicken chow main, baby.