The Harland Highway - Podcast 115

Episode Date: May 24, 2010

Lawn care, Senior Fuentes, indoor plants, breaking records, CEO's, and food! Happy bell pepper sauce! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Once upon the time I was falling in love. Now I'm only falling apart. Nothing I can do. It's a total podcast of the heart. Yeah, that's right. This is the total podcast of your heart. No meaning. Welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody.

What a show today. We're going to be talking about lawn care tips. and we're going to be talking about just generally gardening and planting. Are you any good at keeping your house plants alive? I don't think you are, but we're going to talk about it. We're going to be talking about something that I find kind of stupid, people that try to break records and do like inhuman feats, you know, where they try to, you know, run across Australia,

are they try to float to the moon or whatever just for the sake of it yeah kind of dumb and then we're going to be talking about CEOs in this horrible economy we're going to be talking about the amounts of money those freaks make i'm not happy about that a little bit of complaining maybe today on today's podcast i have i have some issues to work out here today i'm kind of whining and complainie, and then I'm going to be complaining about foods. People who try to push their eating habits on you. I'm just full of complaints. Get me a glass of wine, because I'm going to be doing a lot of whining today,

and let's get drunk on the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Ropspin, and I'm your friend.

Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hmm. Hi, this is Harlan Williams from the Harland Highway with another friendly tip. Not looking forward to cutting your grass this year? Simply call up a cement mixing company and have four or five large cement mixers come to your home. Have them fill your lawn with wet concrete, let it dry, and you'll never have to cut another blade of stinking green grass. Yes, concrete lawns, just another friendly tip from me, Harlan Williams, here at the Harland Highway.

Yes, putting in the garden. Not easy to be doing all your gardening work. What? No, Roger, no. No, I don't want him in here. No, I know he's my gardener. I don't, I'm doing a show. Why did you let him in here?

Don't let him in here. Don't, oh, come on. What are you doing in here? Hello, seigneur. It's me, your gardener, signor, Senor Fentes. Yeah, I know you're my gardener. What are you to... Senor Fuentes.

I know. Okay, I hired you. You always come in here. I'm in the middle of a show. What are you doing? I heard you talking about gardening, seniors. I thought it would come by and give you an update. An update.

You couldn't just tell me when I saw you next time. Well, I thought it was important, sir. Okay, give me an update. Get out of here. Let me get on with you. my show. I just wanted to tell you that I sniffed your girlfriend's morning glory. Excuse me? Well, you know your girlfriend planted morning glory? Yeah, morning glory the plant, beautiful plant. Yeah, I sniffed it, signor. Why did you sniff my girlfriend's morning glory? Yes, why did you sniff my girlfriend's

morning glory? Well, senor, it's blossoming. It's. It's beautiful. It's just out and it's beautiful. It's pink and it's just vibrant. Okay, so the point is, well, I want to make sure that her morning glory is healthy, senor. Do you have to keep saying that, what, I sniffed your girlfriend's morning glory? Stop it.

Well, I did, senor. Just like this, I put my nose in. It was like, stop it. Oh, I just took a deep breath right in her morning glory. Stop it! Roger! Get them out! What else do you want? Well, I just came to tell you that it's blossoming and it's beautiful and it's wonderful. Okay, good. And then I went around behind the morning glories and I know she planted some snapdragons. Yes, she planted some snapdragons. Whoopi-doo.

Well, I just wanted you to know that I went around and sniffed her snapdragon. Excuse me? I put my nose right in her snapdegons. snap dragon and stop it just to get deep breath oh there's a good snap dragon almost as good as the morning glory senor

get out of here what's the matter signor I don't want you coming in here telling my audience you've been sniffing my girlfriend's morning glory and her snapdragon yes stop it wow you're really upset signor

all right are you done Not yet, Signor. Okay, what else could you possibly want? Well, as I said, your girlfriend's morning glory and snapdragon has come into bloom. Yes? Well, I was wondering if you wanted me to pollinate it, senor. Get out! Out!

Out! Stop sniffing! Get out! Good Lord, that guy's insane. She's... Sniffing... God. Speaking of plants, let's move indoors, okay?

I got a question for you, folks. Indoor plants. Does anyone on planet Earth know how to keep them alive? Honestly, what is the longest you've ever had an indoor plant? And I know there's probably a few of you out there. Oh, man, that's what I do for a living. How hard can that be? Okay.

For those of you that are specialists, fine, this doesn't apply to you, but to the rest of us, normal folk, you know, we pick up a plan, we're like, oh, that'll look great in here, and oh, how about that? And that'll really fill out my room, and what if that's hanging by the window? And now, this will look great in the kitchen right over the counter. Ah, ah, dead. Dun, dun, dun, no, that's the wedding march. dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun yeah they're dead plants are usually dead

indoor house plants are usually dead within months if not quicker i'm not kidding i had cactuses once i bought a bunch of cactus i'm like how much water do these things need none dead lasted like you know three months dead cactuses the hell how the hell does that happen man oh yeah you know how it starts they start and they're great and and uh the leaves are just gorgeous and thick and rich and dark greens and emeralds and you're like man i should just start a jungle in here right and then about two weeks in you notice uh some of the the ends of the leaves are starting to get brown you're like wait a minute are there are there seasons inside my house is what does it fall what what what the hell some of those leaves are changing color turning brown and red and

yellow what the hell what have i got my own no seasons in my house and then uh you know inevitably it's like okay a few of the lower leaves kind of dry up and curl up and start to fall you're like okay that's okay they're lower leaves yeah they're you know the tree's got to grow and it's the top leaves so of course the lower leaves fall off but you know in the back of your head that's not really the reason it's because you don't know when to water your plants you don't know when to give them plant food you don't know when to put them by the window you don't know what to sit the room temperature on you don't know whether you should talk to them or not talk to them you don't know if you'd spray them with the little windex bottle

moisten the leaves and moist your eyes you don't have a clue man it's hard enough for most of us to figure it out to brush our teeth how the hell do we keep a plant alive but perhaps I can help senor get out of here hi this is harland Williams

here on the harland highway with a friendly little tip are you having trouble being creative have you hit a wall we'll try this go over to Kmart and go to the garden department buy a $14

lawn chair take it home and unfold it around your head and then fold it back up around your head and face unfold it again and fold it back up on your face it's a creative way to

spend the afternoon and get your inner creativity flowing. And then when finally you tire out, just fold it out on the ground and lay down before picking it up in a few minutes and folding it around your head again. Just another friendly tip from me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harland Highway. Ah, the mighty Amazon River. Some dude spent 65 days swimming three, three, 3,272 miles up the Amazon River, through crocodiles and piranhas and electric eels. Who knows what else?

Flesh-eating dolphins, pygmies throwing sticks. I mean, dude, go to the local pool and do some laps, man. What the hell are you doing swimming up the Amazon? Is there a cheesecake factory? Is there some kind of big grand prize waiting for you at the end? Well, if I swim all the way up this river, maybe in 65 days I can have myself a nice chicken pop pie and some New York cheesecake.

Oh, man. Get a hobby, dude. Build some model airplanes, fly kites. There's no need to swim up the Amazon River. I mean, I'd hate to see this country. guy planning an Australian vacation. Now, Mr. Smith, would you like to fly on Virgin Airlines or Delta or American Airlines to Sydney, Australia? Uh, no worries.

I don't need anything. I'm going to be swimming. Excuse me? Yeah, I'll be swimming to Australia. Okay, there, Aquaman, salmon breath. What is it with people that feel the need or the desire to break a record? You know, like really dopey records, like, you know, the guy who knocked over the most dominoes, you know, back to back, or the guy who balanced the most beer kegs on his head,

or the guy who juggled the most chainsaws, or the guy who climbed Mount Everest the fastest, or the guy that barbecued his ass the longest on his barbecue. I don't know what what is there really a point is there really uh does it does it go anywhere does anyone remember these people or these bragging rights you're looking for you're out at singles nights and uh you know you're striking up the conversation and you want that edge you want that edge so that you get the ladies and you're like uh yeah i grew up in New Jersey and my father was in real estate and oh did I mention that I can balance a couch on my face for three hours straight yeah I have the record yeah that's right the

couch uh you might want to know this um I can uh swallow four beach balls in under a minute I mean, it's just so ridiculous. What point do you make the turn? You know, you're sitting around one day and maybe you've got nothing to do. You're bored to tears. You're like, hmm, I think I'll balance a toilet on my face. Well, I'm tap dancing and frying an omelet.

right and the next thing you know it's like gee i did it i pulled it off i guess everyone wants to see this what how how selfish would i be if i did not share this with the world a toilet on my face tap dancing and frying an omelet this would not be civil of me this would not be kosher of me to not share this with everybody. Everyone must see this. And I will do it for 26 hours to make sure nobody can come along behind me and balance a toilet and tap dance and fry an omelet the way I do it. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I don't know, man. How about this? How about you break this record? Okay, next time you get a goofy idea to, you know, see how long it takes you to lick a car, right? Or see how many tigers you can eat?

Why don't you break this record? Let's see how long. you can go in a closet, duct tape your mouth, and sit there in the dark and shut up. Is it possible we can get you to do that for the rest of your life so we don't have to be exposed to your dumbassness? Yeah, I think that's a good one. I like it a lot. And if you object, well, don't bother phoning me because you should be in the closet with your mouth tape shut. And I'll tell you one record that I don't like that's being broken, okay?

How about the record-breaking amount or amounts of money being handed out to corporate America, to these CEOs during these tough economic times, the guys that pretty much drove the banking industry into the ground, drove the automobile industry into the ground, drove the real estate industry into the ground. Can we talk about that, huh? The record breaking money? Good God. All right, man.

You know what? I've had enough. I've had enough of these CEOs walking away with these corporate payouts. Are we all sick of these guys that are working for big companies like Hewlett Packard and Pack Bell and IBM, these guys in their 40s and 50s, and they've worked for these companies for not even that long, man. It's like they come in for four, five, six months, maybe a year, maybe two, and they get fired.

Okay, so what happens when most of us get fired? We put all our crap in a box, and we walk down the hallway with our heads hanging. down, and everyone knows what's happened, and we get severance. Well, we have to let you go, Jim, but we're going to give you three months full pay to help

you get through this difficult time for you and your family. Gee, three months full pay? Thanks, man. Okay, now cut to corporate guys, the CEOs. These guys are walking away with like

millions of dollars. There's a guy from Ford, got his ass canned, walked away with $39 million. $39 million for getting fired. Excuse me, are my boss is listening? Someone please fire me right now, because I want to walk away with lottery ticket money, please. And for those of you that don't like my show, this is just a skit. I'm really not asking to be fired. But for the sake of the skit and the show and the comedy and the people that like the show,

hey, producers, please fire me. I can't wait to get my 96 mil for doing a bad job. What's with these guys? They've obviously failed. They obviously didn't do well for the company. But here's a mansion and a private jet and a yacht just to help you on your way through these difficult. times. CEO, man. How about CEO? Cash eating oafs. That's what that CEO stands for, man. Cash eating oafs. I guess what I really need to ask here, too, is how good are these guys at their

jobs? Okay, what is it about them that makes them so invaluable? Like, okay, what happened? They went to business school, I guess, right? They've got a degree. They've got a doctorate. I don't know what their credentials are. I don't know what kind of diplomas or paperwork they possess. Okay.

But some guy, let's say I run Hewlett-Packard and I sell photocopy machines and all that crap. And I'm sitting around. I'm going, you know, I need someone to come in here and helm the ship and I need to pay that person $42 million a year because helming the ship is not easy. I mean, good Lord, to sit at that chair at the end of the boardroom.

I mean, just to sit in that chair is worth, you know, 15 mil. And then to have that guy sit there and go, Richard, what do you think? Excellent. And Margaret, what are your thoughts on this matter? David, why don't you write that up and hand it out to everybody? And we'll make sure we get right on that. I mean, I just, I don't know.

I'm not in the corporate world, but I mean, what level of decision making is the guy at the head of the boardroom table making? Is it life and death? Is it post-apocalyptic? Are the mushroom clouds going to go off? David, did you get those reports done that I recommended? No, sir. They'll be ready tomorrow. Oh, it's the end of the world. Everybody go home early. I knew it.

Oh, boy, I better go hide in my money. Like, what is it they're doing that is so earth-shattering, unbelievably more valuable than what the next guy's doing on the pecking ladder. You know, what's the secretary outside this guy's office making year? Maybe 25, 30 grand a year. She's in there every day at 8.30. She goes home at 7. She's typing.

She's filing. She's answering phone calls. This guy's in his suit in the office. You know, making maybe a few tough decisions, making a few calls, maybe strategizing. Whoopi-do. Is he really worth $78 million more than what the secretary is doing? I just don't get it, man.

Who the hell pump these guys up so high? I mean, good for you if you can get the money. Isn't that what America's all about? But who the hell set the precedent, man? Who is the first dumbass that goes, Hmm, that Bill Smith would be good being the CEO of my company. 40 million. What?

I just don't see what kind of value they have, man. Unless you're like Bill Gates or someone, and you actually develop something that changes the world, like a computer software or some kind of invention, where it's just like you can't even argue. It's like, wow, this guy's a, this guy. guy's a genius this guy's an inventive mind this guy this guy's got it going on any uh anything he creates he in turn is going to up the value of our company but a lot of these cea CEOs to me just look like

suits that are sitting around you know going to the golf club making a few calls on the telephone maybe, you know, making some decisions about corporate matters. But are they really worth $40 million more than a truck driver that puts in a hard day hauling logs? I don't get it. And then these guys just move around. It's like a big party. It's like, hey, did you hear Paul got fired from Hewlett-Packard?

Yeah, but I heard he started at Maryland. lynch about five minutes later for an extra 20 mil what do you mean they gave him a signing bonus yep and they gave him a firing bonus too because they're going to get rid of them next week for 80 mil wow he really did well this time yep it's just i don't know man i hate it i really hate it earn your money man earn your damn money what the hell are you guys doing that's so special that you should be getting so many bucks i'm not bitter i'm not angry i guess i'm a little angry about it it's not bitterness i'm not against people making money go for it but show me something for it you know blow my mind invent a new rocket ship to mars do something

just don't be the guy sitting in the office with the big oak desk and the bottle of jack daniels and your your bar and your nameplate sitting on the end of your desk and screw you there that should be worth about 40 million right there i just told all the CEOs in america to screw you sad thing is they've got enough money they probably will hi this is harland williams here on the harland highway with another friendly tip are you tired of working long days and long hours, and you know you need some time off but your boss isn't willing to give it to you. Well, try this. When you get home from work tonight, run the bath. Sit in the bath water all night long. And when you go into work in the morning all shriveled

up, tell your boss that you've been working so hard you're turning into a raisin. He's sure to give you the next week or two off. And then you can go to the pet store and buy a Sharpay and walk down the street and look just like your raisin-wrinkled pet. Just another friendly tip from me, Harland Williams, here on the Harland Highway. I know it's weird a raisin bath, but come on, people tell you weird things all the time, don't they? You ever get the people that all of a sudden they've miraculously stumbled on some kind of save your food, you know, or some kind of elixir or some kind of drink or something

that's just going to save your life, let you live to a hundred years old. You can punch a battleship and put your fist through it. Right. You ever meet those people? It's like, oh, my God, Cynthia, I'm telling you. asparagus for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and then wake up at 2 a.m. every morning and drink asparagus water with a little bit of coconut milk. I'm telling you, I've never felt better. Oh, my God. I go to the gym. My sex life is better. Oh, my God. You're going to love it.

Oh, sounds great. Yeah, it's just wonderful. You know, it's like they just claim. like the world's a better place with their magical diet food whatever it is yeah I'm on one of those all raw diets you know I don't cook anything man I eat raw steak I eat raw eggs I eat raw vegetables it just everything's just raw man really that sounds delicious yeah I went to a strip joint the other night ate a couple of strippers why they were raw you know And then they try to sell you on it. They try to market it, you know, as if they're doing great, you know, that their life is happening.

And they attributed it all to, you know, boiled mushrooms and parsnips. Jesus, Michael, you, your skin looks great. You got a new job. Your girlfriend. What the hell are you doing? Oh, you know, I've been eating lots of mushrooms and boys. oiled parsnips. But I want to try it sometime, loser.

Excuse me? You heard me, loser. Now, excuse me, will I go eat some mushroom caps and some parsnips? Don't know how much longer I can be talking to you because you're not like me, boy. Oh, God. Here's my tip for you, okay?

Get to the drive-thru, McDonald's, Wendy's, Taco Bell, whatever. enjoy yourself have fun eat until you die okay that's not smart but you know what i'm saying don't let the uh the food whizzes push you around and make you feel guilty maybe fake them out you know tell them you're on an all cupcake diet you look great you know even though you are maybe dieting, but you're in slim shape. You're looking. All I eat is cupcakes, man. I have three cupcakes for lunch, three for dinner, three before bed, wake up, put four cupcakes in the blender, have a cupcake smoothie. Delicious. Never felt better. My blood pressure's way down here. My cholesterol's perfect. Look at my skin. I'm radiating.

Give me a cupcake. Oh, gosh. Well, I can't give you a cupcake because we've run out of time here. We're at the end of the podcast. But I want to say thank you for riding along. Hope you learned a whole lot here today. Was today educational or was it even meant to be educational? No, it's just entertainment.

Well, I certainly hope you were entertained. Be good to yourself. eat right go to the gym stay healthy and do it your way so you enjoy your life and hey if i can recommend one food for you to eat that'll make you feel good it's this until next time chicken chow maine baby why that's splendid