The Harland Highway - Podcast 117

Episode Date: May 28, 2010

Blood, Gender issues, Wills and dying, Dating, Dr. Ascot! Clam Bake Tuesday! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a show I have for you today. What a podcast I have for you today. It's almost too much. This could be almost too much podcast for one individual to handle. So, I don't know, put a seatbelt on, duct tape your head to the kitchen table, crazy glue your feet to the wall. This could be way too much for you to handle, but let's get into it. What a show today.

We're going to be talking about blood, bleeding. Does it make you queasy? Are you okay with the whole blood thing? I know I'm not about to reveal what a sissy I am. Oh, God. And here's something, Starling. Did you know that there's less men on planet Earth now than there used to be? That's getting scary.

So we're going to be talking about that. We're going to be talking about your gender. We're going to be talking about what happens when you die. What do you do with your money? Do you write a will? Do you get cremated? uh you know it's an interesting yet touchy kind of morbid area but we all have to face it at some point we're going to be talking about dating weird couples that are dating and uh and lastly i guess it's

friday so i got to do my on-air therapy session with dr ascot the most annoying therapist in the world can't wait to see what that idiot makes me do this time but nonetheless we're going to get through it right here on the super famous Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely.

The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Okay, Mr. Williams, let's put your arm out here, and let's just put a little tourniquet around there, and let's find a nice big vein to stuff this needle in. Oh, I dread it, man. I don't like to bleed. I'm one of these guys that cannot stand bleeding. I faint. And it's not because I'm like a girl.

Like, I'm like, oh, blood. It's like my body has some kind of psychological reaction to losing blood or seeing my own blood. And so I always felt like the biggest woozy alive, you know, because I play hockey and I like to play sports. I asked my doctor, you know, I said, why do I faint? Why do I pass out when I give blood? And surprisingly, she said, it happens all the time. I see hockey players, I see big guys, I see tough guys apparently a lot of men faint when they give blood

or they see blood so now I don't feel so bad yeah man I wouldn't be a very good vampire huh come flapping in your window at night I want to suck your your blood bonged

Mommy, there's a vampire passed out on my pillow. Won't be very good at it. In fact, I'm getting queasy even thinking about all the blood pouring through my veins right now. Oh, God, just thinking about it gets me nervous. So I'm going to end this topic right now. And, oh, I can hear my heart beating. Oh, oh, okay, okay, ending this topic right now. Keep on bleeding.

here on the Harlan Highway. Whoa. Bunk. Yeah, it's humiliating. I'll never forget the first time it happened, too. I was a kid. And I was in, like, I don't know, grade three or something. And I went to art class.

And I'm like, they got all these, like, razor-sharp tools so kids could carve balsa wood, you know? do like a, make a wooden loon or a statue of a fisherman or something, you know. So, you know, I'm carving away at the wood and I break the first rule, you know, never carve towards your skin. And I'm like, and I was a kid. I'd never fainted before. And I was like, oh, wow, look at this, man. I cut my skin open and I stretched the wound open.

I was looking inside myself. and next thing I knew I was on the ground waking up. I was just fainted. I had no idea that that was something that I did, something that I was capable of. It was bizarre. And your eyes flutter open and everyone's standing over you and you're like, what happened?

Where am I? Am I in heaven? And then you see your big fat art teacher and you're like, I better not be in heaven. I hate this idiot. So, yeah, I try to be very careful about if I cut myself, I try to ignore it, I try to look away, I do all kinds of things to avoid seeing that blood.

God, listen to me. I'm a full-grown man, and I'm afraid of my own blood? What is wrong with me? God, I feel so, uh, I don't feel manly right now. I got to be honest. Oh, am I a man or am I not a man? Uh-oh. Uh-oh, look out, ladies, look out.

Apparently there's a new stat. And I'm not making it up. This was in the newspapers. You know, it's real. There's less and less males being born into the world. Apparently, over the last 30 years, fewer and fewer males are being born. And there's more females being born. So, ladies, you better treat us right, because we're apparently on the endangered species list.

Let's see, we got the manatees, we got Siberian tigers, we got the black rhino. And, oh, yeah, human males on the endangered. Endangered Species list. Yeah, we should be given all the privileges of animals that are on the endangered species list. Like, women aren't allowed to hunt us. They're not allowed to infringe on our territory. They're not allowed to deplete our food supply. They're not allowed to abuse us.

Oh, man, that would be sweet, huh? Yeah, ladies, we're endangered species. You've got to change your tactics. You got to treat us right. Help us breed more men. Finally, evolution's working in our favor, guys. Oh, ho. You know, you and your buddy go into a bar,

and it's like 10 girls for every guy. That's what planet Earth's becoming like a pickup joint for men. What a treat. What's that? Yeah, you can buy me a Heineken there, sugar. I need to be hydrated. hydrate me baby keep me alive here on the harland highway wow how about you you ever wish you were born another gender you ever you ever have that moment in time i think everyone has probably

especially when you're a kid and i don't mean in a sex change type of way i just mean you ever just go man i wish it was born a girl or if you're a girl you're like man i wish it was born a guy man guys have it so good you know they make more money they do this or the guys are like man i wish it was a girl man you know with a nice uh with a nice sexy body i could rule the world or uh you know just be more fun i get away with more as a girl or girls are like ah guys you know they don't have to worry about taking my pill they don't have to worry about a period they can do whatever they want they can pee wherever they want me i gotta like squat down and find a bush to hide in and i guess the grass is always greener right you know you you wonder uh how it is for the other

the other gender i don't know i guess i just i just guess because i was born a man and i am a man or a boy or whatever, an elf. Whatever you think I may be, a pipsqueak, a monster, a fine English gentleman, perhaps, hello. I just can't imagine being a girl. I just, I don't, I just, you know, I'm so used to being a guy, obviously. I was born a guy, and, you know,

I like the idea of being able to walk down the street at night and not have to worry. I like the idea of being able to lift heavy logs if I need to because, you know, we all run into a heavy log now and then. I like being tall. I like having muscles. You know. But then again, if I was a girl, I'd be like, oh, man.

Man, I look at my hair. Look at my beautiful body. I like being dainty. I like being petite. I like being, you know, I hope all these things don't sound stereotypical. There's probably some giant bulldike somewhere listening to it. Hey, man, what are you talking about dainty and petite?

I'll bust your ass. I'll give you a good knuckle sandwich in the face, dude. And then there's guys out there going, what is he talking about? Oh, lifting logs? That would just destroy my pedicure or my manicure. I lift logs with my hands and my feet. Oh. I'm just talking in general, in general broad strokes, okay?

It's the whole masculine, feminine equation. So I don't know. Can you imagine yourself as another gender? Imagine if I was doing the Harland Highway right now and my name was Leslie, Leslie Williams. Hi, this is Leslie Williams and you're listening to the Harland Highway. Today I'm going to do some wacky characters and we're going to talk about eye shadow. Or I can be more, you know, more.

more of a worldly woman. Hi, this is Leslie Williams. Today we're going to be talking about the peace effort in the Middle East. We're going to be talking about the scaling back of nuclear arms. And we are going to be talking about the environment here on the Harland Highway. So I don't know. I just can't see it working for me. I wonder sometimes what would I have done if I was born in different?

gender would have gone into comedy would have gone into acting how much does that play into it obviously probably a lot because of your experiences growing up the way people look at you the way people treat you because of your gender that would be interesting huh to see what you would come back as pretty cool pretty cool stuff I better I better jump I got to go right screenplay be a new movie i love it i mean i love it no i love it no i love it no i i love it more how can you love it more you're insensitive you don't know how to love it more don't call me insensitive i'm i like logs see i just won that one you son of a bitch did you just call me a bitch uh no Have you thought about your mortality?

Have you filled out a will? What have you left me? I know we don't know each other that well. I'm just your voice on the radio, but would it kill you to leave me like five bucks, everyone? How do I benefit when you hit the road? Okay? Yeah, I'd like to fill out a will, please.

You know, I'd like to go one step further and fill out a will feral please yeah i want to be laughing all the way to the grave all i know is be generous to me people come on just if everyone just leaves me five bucks i can go and buy that new ford focus that i've been dreaming about yeah everyone just leave me a fiver and daddy's rolling down main street and a new ford focus okay stop thinking about you think about me for a change yeah thanks people yeah yeah that's a touchy area man the old will um it's kind of weird when you i don't know if you've done it or you've sat down and done your will or made plans for when you're not going to be here anymore is probably one of the creepiest things you'll ever do

It's just so bizarre to sit down and talk to a lawyer or a business manager or somebody about what you're going to do with all your crap when you're gone, you know? You all came here for one purpose to watch me go and cry bongouage. To put coins on my closed eyes and with your free hands start grabbing things from my shelves. Father, that's cruel. That's truth. You came to reap everything I've sown, to collect everything I've built. Well, I shall not disappoint you.

Everything is yours. Everything is prepared. The will is made. The four of you inherit everything I own. Everything. Money, house, property, holding, stocks, bonds, everything. Father, you're breaking a heart. Or that's the most touching thing you ever dredged up by way of conversation, Wilfrid.

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What is it, father? It's the what you've all been waiting for, I believe. But now you can dig deep in the treasury. are you feeling weaker father at last a note of hope in your voice emily why must you always say such miserable cruel things to me i quite agree father why indeed emily because you're cruel and miserable people because none of you respond to love emily responds only to what her petty hungers dictate wilfred responds only to things that have weight and bulk and value he feels Heals books. He doesn't read them. He appraises paintings. He doesn't seek out their truth or their beauty. And Paula there lives in a mirror. The world is nothing to her but a reflection of herself and her brother. Humanity to him is a small animal caught in a trap to be tormented. His pleasure is the giving of pain. And from this, he feels the same sense of fulfillment most human beings get for a kiss or an embrace.

You're carried, yours. All of you. And now, you're all very rich. Now you own everything that I have. Enjoy yourselves, dear ones. Live the full life. May God be to you. He's dead. At long last, he's dead.

Good. Now, let's celebrate. Hopefully they do care about you. I know I have a family that I have four wonderful sisters and my parents and, you know, very, very loving and, and you're going to be kind of nice to leave them something, to be honest. That's kind of cool that you can leave something behind. I guess there's people out there that leave their burdens behind for you, man. It's like, yeah, would everyone sit down, please? We'd like to read the will.

Everyone's like, oh, goody, goody, what am I going to get? What am I going to get? It turns out your father, Daniel M. Smith, left behind $4,000 in unpaid traffic fines, was behind in his mortgage, and apparently owed a mortgage. money to Vegas for some unsettled gambling debt. So, what are we getting? What are we getting? Well, you owe us two and a half million dollars, please.

What? Yeah, how about those people that leave all their crap behind? And the livers, the people living, have to take care of it. They have to pay for it, man. That would be a good way to get back of people that maybe you didn't like. Hey, loser, I died Guess who's cleaning up my mess that I made Well, I was living, you are

Ah Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Hey, quit this funeral, man You're heating up the planet We're all gonna die Hello, what? Yeah, apparently there's some study now That says, uh, cremation

They say it's causing global warming What the hey-hoo? Yeah, we're all going to die because of people that have already died. What the hell? We're all sitting around thinking our Volkswagen's and our BMWs are creating a layer between the earth and the atmosphere. All the greenhouse gases are getting stock. We think it's the car emissions. Hell no.

It's Grandpa Willie and Aunt Mary. and all the others that passed into the Great Beyond, man. The dead people are killing us. I guess you got all the fumes and the exhaust and the spew and the smoke from the crematoriums going up into the atmosphere and helping global warming. So either don't plan on dying people. Okay, that'll help. Or when it's time to go, just have yourself steamed

or deep fried. There you go. Words of wisdom on the Harlan Highway to heaven. Yeah, they don't give us many options when we croak, do they? It's like, okay, here's your options. You can be buried underground

where the worms eat you, or option number two, we'll throw you in a wooden box and stuff you in an oven and you'll burn. Well, you won't burn to death. You're already dead, but you'll just burn. Like a piece of firewood, like a three-hour fire log.

You buy it 7-Eleven, man. God. It's just so creepy, man. And then what if you believe in reincarnation and you come back as a, you know, a gopher or you come back as a giraffe? You're going to be all burnt? You're going to be all scarred up.

You're going to be the Freddie Kruger of the Draft Kingdom? I guess that's maybe a good thing if you're out there on the plains of Africa and you get surrounded by a bunch of lions and they're like and you just pull up your little clawed hoof and just go, how sweet, fresh meat. See the lions take off? I don't know, man. Best thing is just not to die, okay? Just sit around your podcast, the Harland Highway,

and just listen and listen and listen and listen and listen. And I'll help keep you awake. I'll help keep you from dying, okay? Is it a deal? Awesome. Now, speaking of Freddie Kruger, I just thought of something, man. And this may be a little weird.

It may be a little off. But hell, you know what? you know in life it's all about people looking for love right it's all about people looking to find togetherness you know whether it's it's gay or straight or bipolar or whatever the term is bipedal bicycle by by by by birdie i don't know um but how about this you know that freddie kruger guy is a lonely guy man he lives in a boiler room and Rarely changes his clothes and definitely needs some moisturizing and he's got those crazy switchblade fingers, right? So that guy ain't going to find a partner anywhere on Match.com or anything like that.

So dig this. I thought, you know, maybe he could go gay, all right? He could go gay and him and the Wolverine could get together, right? because they both got those crazy fingers with the blades all over them, although I wouldn't want to see them engage in a gay sex act. Those fingers would not be of any assistance. I'm pretty sure.

It'd probably be the last sex act they ever had. But what do you think? They both got a lot in common. They're both kind of outcasts. They're both kind of badasses. They both got the Ginsu knife collection fingers. Why not, right? Freddy and the Wolverine out on a date?

I've never been on a date with a man before. Come on. You afraid you might like it. I guess it would be okay. I do have some condoms in my wallet. Well, then I guess you've got nothing to worry about, do you? I've got to warn you, Freddie can't get off unless it gets really rough. I'm going to cut your head off.

See if that works. For you, three, four, then lock your door. Five, six, grab your crucifix. Yeah, I'd like to grab my crucifix. You know, it's Friday, and, uh, uh, uh, Speaking of monsters, I got to do my live podcast therapy with Dr. Ascott. Oh, brother. Let's get it over with. Okay, what are we doing today, Dr. Ascott?

Hello, Alland. Hello, hello. Can we get this over with? What are we doing today? Holland, today I want to work on anger management. Anger management. Do I seem angry to you? Yes, Arland. Yeah, well, it's only when I'm around you that I get angry. What else makes you angry, Arland? Not much. I'm a pretty easy-going guy.

Holland. I said not much. I'm pretty easy going. Holland. Okay. Now that's starting to get to me. Holland. That is really getting to me. Stop it! There, you see, Arland, things do make you angry. Yeah, okay, things make me angry, like getting stuck in traffic when somebody lies to me, when somebody...

Ow! What the hell was that? Holland, I just smashed you in the shins with a golf club. Did that make you angry? Yes! Of course it made me angry. What do you think if you... Ow! I just did it again, Arland. I know you did it again. Are you insane? Holland, it's good to tap into your anger so you can get it out. Yeah, I'm getting it out. What the hell?

Oh my God! Ohland, are you still angry? Yeah, I'm really, really angry. I can't believe you pulled out a golf club. Ah! Oh, stop it. Oh, why? Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Holland, are you angry yet?

Yes, I'm angry. Good, now we can begin, Holland. Oh, what you need to do is take your anger and let it go. Oh, let it go. Okay, I've let it go. It's gone. Are you sure, Holland? Yes, it's completely. gone, okay? Are we done?

I didn't believe it was all gone, Arland. Ah! It's gone! It's gone, I promise. I don't hear it in your voice, Holland. I really love you, Dr. Ascot. You're really great. I love all the things you do. Your methods are incredible. You're really helping me a lot.

That's better, Holland. I don't hear any anger now. No, you're wonderful. Now, can I go? Yes. I'm... I think we're done for today, Arland. Thank you, Dr. Ascot. No! Just checking, Arland. Oh!

Get out of here! Are you telling me to get out, Holland? Yes! That sounded angry, Arland. No! Get out! I'll see you next time, Arland. Yeah, I hope not.

That was angry, Holland. No! security oh good lord i hope you're looking for me i'll be in traction at the hospital getting my uh my kneecaps and my shin bones replaced dr ascot what a moron man oh it hurts but don't be angry be happy I'm going to be back here next week with you

for some more action-packed fun-filled podcasts so until then have a great weekend and chicken chow Maine maybe come on

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