The Harland Highway - PODCAST 119

Episode Date: June 2, 2010

Hurricanes, funerals, hugging, Eddy the bbq king, celebrity races. Sweet bean soup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Uga Chaka, Uga Chaka, Uga, Uga, Uga, Uga,uga, chaka, I can stop this feeling. No, but I can stop this horrible singing. Welcome, Adam and Eve. I'll start there at the beginning of the human race and then include all of you. Welcome Adam and Eve and everyone moving forward to the Harland Highway podcast. What a show. We're going to be talking about extreme things today. Extreme.

Starting off with, I have an expert coming in, and we're going to be talking about hurricane season, which is coming up and precautions you can take, how the Weather Center is treating hurricanes these days. We're going to be talking about hugging. Do you hug when you greet someone? Do you like being hugged? Is hugging weird?

or is it cool? The warm weather's here, so our old friend Eddie is on the phone calling around, trying to get a barbecue going with somebody. He's celebrating life, but on the other end of the spectrum, we're going to be talking about funerals,

and do you remember the first time you saw a dead person? And then we're going to end it off with some celebrity races at the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. We got some great celebrities today. So here we go. It's the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn.

Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Romp Spin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway.

I'm not your daddy. Okay, we have a very, very special guest here today. This is going to be interesting. We're going to be talking about hurricanes because, as you know, hurricane season is coming up, as it does every year. People are devastated. Their homes are destroyed. Their communities ravaged.

They suffer personal loss, economic loss. It's just a horrible event. that Mother Nature throws at us every year and here to kind of talk us through hurricane season and share his knowledge and how we can better prepare ourselves and defend ourselves against hurricanes. We have a weather expert here

from the American Weather Institute. Dale Davidson, how are you, sir? I'm great. Thanks for having me on, Ireland. Great to have you here. So tell us about hurricane season. And every year this happens, what do we need to know? Well, as you know, global warming warms those oceans up so we can get some pretty big monsters coming in.

Right, okay. And, you know, this year, I think we've got to grasp on controlling these, what we used to call hurricanes. Oh. Yeah, well, there's a new terminology now we use. Okay. We don't use the word hurricane. Oh, okay, okay.

Some kind of fancy weather terminology. Well, yeah, we got together. It was a group of scientists. We got together, and we came up with the word that we think best describes a hurricane. Because as you know, in Japan, there are typhoons and hurricanes. Sure, yeah. So globally, we have a new term. Oh, good.

What is it? Let's tell our listeners. The new term for hurricanes is assholes. pardon me assholes is that a Latin terminology phrase no it's

oh I mean you could accent it with assholes but mainly right now the word is asshole assholes and you're you're taking the word hurricane away and introducing the word assholes correct Can you please tell me why, sir? Well, two reasons.

The community, we decided that if you look at a hurricane from above, it looks like a giant asshole. And it also devastates a lot of the world's populations and puts people out of homes and jobs, and they just act like assholes. Wow. Okay. Okay, so we're calling them assholes. Correct.

What is the size of some of these assholes that come in? Well, as you know, some of these assholes can get pretty big. We've got a category two, three, four, or five, category five assholes. How big is that? Is that wide? Well, usually those, I don't know if you've ever seen them from above, they're usually white. So they're giant white assholes. But sometimes if the water is murky, they look like black assholes.

Okay. And how big are these assholes? They range from 30 to, I'd say, 500 miles wide. A 500 mile wide asshole. Giant. You know what I, you can actually, when they're that big, you can fly directly in. You can fly a C-130 plane into the asshole. Sir.

And then right back out. And you wouldn't even touch any of the. the sides of it. Sir, what about the names of these things? I mean, we used to have Hurricane Larry, Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane David. What's going to happen to that now? Well, that pretty much stays the same. We replaced Hurricane with Asshole.

So, asshole Katrina, or asshole Albert. So now if I'm somewhere down in Florida and an assholes blow towards my house i can go out on my lawn and yell at the skies get back asshole david you asshole get away from here is that is that what this is well yeah you could yell at an asshole all you want but usually those assholes just don't listen sir i okay what about uh how should people prepare for well i'm glad you asked do we do you does the weather service have some kind of plan in place absolutely you know we got bashed with katrina about not having water uh our bad whoops but uh we want to we want to set up a new plan and we've got one it's called

preparation h and what we're going to do is the community it's what it's it's a community thing what is the name of it sir a preparation h this preparation uh plan that we have excuse me wait a minute. Preparation H for the assholes. Correct. And the H was for what? Hurricane at one time? Helen. But the thing is hurricanes as they come up on the coast

or as we say, you know, assholes, if you are on that coastline, you're going to need a good, solid plan and we've got preparation H for them. So people are supposed to evacuate, get in their cars, drive as fast as they can from the asshole. Correct. That's step two of preparation H.

Now, what about people that get disoriented and drive straight into the... Drive straight into the asshole, sir? Well, you know, people, they like to stay and watch it. You know, other people don't want to leave their home. An asshole is going to win. An asshole will slam into your house, and you will get... sucked up into that asshole sir yes do you really think this is a good idea naming the

these storms these devastating storms assholes yes i agree with you they physically look like a giant swirling asshole they treat the community like an asshole sir how long have you been a scientist with the weather service oh i'd say 15 years now have you ever personally been standing in an asshole i've been near many assholes sir would you be offended if i called well thank you for coming on the show i'm sorry you're gonna no i just i thought maybe what what is it's dale dale yeah is there a asshole dale in the weather forecast well it's everybody hopes to get named uh for a new asshole and and Dale is on the list this year.

Okay, sir, I was just kind of joking there. Oh, you were joking. Okay, I see. Would you rather us name them donuts? Dale, thank you. Here's the problem. We had assholes. Dale, Dale.

We had donuts, but nobody wants to run away from a donut. If you go, look out, there's a category three donut coming down. Sir. Assholes, people will run away. Sir, you know what? I'm out of here. Point taken. Fine.

Good, go. I'm leaving. An asshole I heard that You heard it This is Harlem Williams I hope you learn something

I hope you're safe asshole season's on its way How many of you listening know a hugger Yeah H-U-G-G-E-R You know any of these people They love to hug

You greet them They hug you They just can't do a handshake It's got to be a big hug They gotta press up against you And squeeze their body against you And you can smell the fibers in their sweater Oh yeah, great to see you too

Nice to smell you How about people that just think hugs Are the next best thing to like an orgasm Uh-oh Somebody's had a bad day How about a nice hog? Oh, no thanks. My day wasn't that bad.

Well, you did just get in a seven-car pile-up and 12 people died. Come here. How about a nice big hug? You know what? That 12-car pile-up wasn't so bad. You're just in denial. Come here. How about a nice hug?

Let me throw my arms around you. Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug. How about you? Walk backwards off a cliff there. Tornado nose. Tornado nose. What the hell's that mean? Ah, tornado nose.

Well, give yourself a big hug for putting up with my nonsense here on the Harland Highway. Oh, can I give them a big hug? No, leave them alone. Please let me hug them. No, they're my listeners. Ooh, let me hug your listeners. Get out of here, tornado nose. And what about all you dudes out there when it comes to the hugging?

You know what I mean? Like, you know, I think it was kind of like back in the, you know, the 20s, the 30s, the 40s, the 50s. Guys weren't so much into hugging each other. Even the, you know, 60s and 70s, it was still a little weird. Like, you know, if you saw two men hug, it still felt a little off. For some reason, it was like, what that? Did he just hugged that, dude? And I remember this because, you know, I would never see it.

I'd never see my dad, like, you know, his best friends would come over and they'd hug. He didn't do that, you know. It was a handshake, okay? But then every now and then, you'd catch the news and you'd see, like, the United States president visiting, you know, Russia or interacting. with some foreign leader and there'd be this big hug and you're like, what? Did the president just hug that the president of the USSR? Wait, what?

What? Men don't hug. What the hell was that? And then I think it was around like in the 80s, like, you know, the 80s when guys started getting a little more into the hug thing. Because I remember when it started, even I was. like pretty uncomfortable with it, you know? It's like you just didn't do it.

You did the handshake. But then slowly but surely, now it's like, you know, you hug everyone, right? You know, you're eating in a restaurant and the waiter comes by, you give them a hug. Hey, waiter, come here, come here. These string beans are to die for it. Give me a hug.

Come on. Is that the janitor over there? Look at the guy. Get that guy over here. Look at the way he mopped this floor. Give me a hug, janitor. And you know what? I'm going to leave the table. I'm going to go into the bathroom.

That bathroom attendant just, he was such a nice guy as I stood there and did my tinkle. I got to give him a hug. God. I'll tell you where hugging's really gone wrong. We're hugging's really gone south. And this bugs me to no end. Okay?

there used to be a time with celebrities and reporters where celebrities were like the gold and reporters were like the celebrity wannabes, okay? I'm talking about the entertainment tonight, the inside edition, the extra, extra, whatever that annoying thing is. Right? There was a time when the correspondence on these entertainment shows

you could just see it in their eyes. They were like star-struck, and they knew there was a line that they dare not cross. They, you know, they even felt weird about getting close to these people, right? The Jack Nicholson's and the Paul Newman's. I mean, you didn't touch them. You didn't get too close unless you were invited. Like, there was a huge different. I'm a huge damn star, okay, major star around the world.

you are a lowly entertainment reporter that sits at a desk and talks about cheap celebrity gossip and I like that separation, man, because I like my stars to stand on their own, okay? I do not want to see Jack Nicholson hugging Leonard Moulton. Okay, I don't want to see Meryl Streep hugging Mary Hart from entertainment tonight. And that's what's happening now.

This is where I'm going berserk, okay? When these guys do these interviews now, when they're on the red carpet, or they come into the studio, or they're on a movie blitz, they're on a press junket, these friggin' low-life reporters have the gall to do the whole hugging thing now

with A-list stars. Forget about A-list, any star. I don't even want to see them hugging Pauley Shore. It's just got to be that separation, right? But now these reporters act like they're buds. They act like they're on the same level. It's like, hey, Jack Nicholson, yeah, I do all the gossip about when you wake up drunk in a ditch, and I do all the gossip on Lindsay Lohan, and believe me, if you ever get into trouble,

or you slander someone or you're, you know, down on your luck. Believe me, I'm going to be plastering your name all over the place and dragging it through the mud. Hey, buddy, give me a hug, Jack Nicholson. No way, man. Are you kidding me? That is my huge pet peeve of the last. And this just started like, you know, I think somebody broke the barrier,

maybe five, six years ago. The whole correspondence hugging the end. A-lister's just kind of is a fairly new phenomenon and it's got to stop because it blurs that line between what is a real celebrity and believe me we already have that problem now but I'm sorry I like my real legit celebrities I like my Jack Nicholson's my Merrill Streeps my Paul Newman's even though he's dead I like him dead more than I like the news correspondence from these entertainment shows a lot Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So easy on the hugs. And speaking of hugs, anybody out there?

there still wear huggies? I don't know why I asked that. Idiot. I'm asking full-grown people if they wear a baby diaper. What is wrong with me? I think I need to go and hug a rotating helicopter

blade. I'll be right back. This is Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Mark, I'm Heritage Wines. John speaking. Hey, how's it going, man? Good. How are you, man?

Awesome. It's Eddie. Hello? It's who? Eddie. Eddie. Oh, Eddie. Yeah, it's going to see if maybe wanted to throw a barbecue together, have a beer and stuff. Do you know you have John here? Oh, it's okay. I'm just looking for someone to, you know, hang out with, have a Barbie. Shoot back a couple of Budweisers, chill out. What?

Hey, what the hell? Well, hello? I don't know who Eddie is. I worked out at the hardware store, man. Gonna throw a barbecue together? We could... No, some of the time then, okay? Have a beer or some coleslaw?

Gotta go. What, what the hell? Just... Cigarette? What the... What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to play.

party, but they just hang up Hey everybody, this is Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway with another friendly tip. Are you planning to go to a funeral in the near future? And the person

that died, you didn't really care for that much, but you don't want to seem insensitive. Here's what you do. Take a bottle of hot tobacco sauce to the funeral. When you're sitting in the church, somewhere in the middle of the service, bend down in your pew, dump the hot

tobacco sauce right in your open eyes, and pop back up. Tears will be streaming down your face. You'll be crying like a newborn baby. In fact, you'll be crying red, dripping tears of tobacco sauce, so people will think you're extra sad. Just another friendly tip. For me, Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway. Oh, God. Yeah, funerals. You ever do this at a funeral? You're sitting at a funeral and everyone's crying and you're like,

you're sitting there and you're like, my back hurts. Right? You make the crying about something else. Oh, Lordy, do you remember the first time you ever went to a funeral, not to get too morbid, but do you ever remember the first time? This is a little creepy, but it's, you know, I like to talk about everything here in life. Do you remember the first time you saw a dead body?

Ooh, yeah, I know, creepy. Do you remember seeing a stiff at a funeral parlor? And when I say dead body, I, you know, I guess it could be anybody, anywhere. you know but how many of us really see a dead body just out in the street it's not common but i remember the first time i saw dead body it was at my grandfather's funeral okay and it was an open casket and it was at a funeral home man and i still had i still have vivid memories of it i was a little kid that must have been about, you know, seven or eight years old, maybe six, I don't remember. But I remember going in and the first time I kind of saw the body, I was just kind of startled and shocked and no one prepared me for it.

Like my parents didn't say, okay, we're about to go in and you're going to see like your grandfather laying in the middle of this nice room with all this wood paneling and flowers everywhere. and your grandfather that you know and love will be laying in the middle of the room dead and you'll be able to look at him laying there dead oh god and that smell of flowers in the air those funeral homes have uh quite the smell right and it was just so freaky to me to see him laying there It's like, in my mind, I'm just like, get up. Get up. Like, he looked no different dead than he did alive. It looked like he was asleep.

I was a kid. And I was just like, I was kind of amazed. I was fascinated. I was startled. I was sad. I was mortified. I was confused. I was just standing there.

Come on, get up. Look at you. You're in your nice suit. Your hair is all combed. He looked amazing. And he's just laying there silently, there was such a stillness to it, you know? Even when people sleep, you know, you can tell there's, you know, you can hear their breath. You can just almost feel their body heat coming off of them.

You can see the rhythm of their ribs going up and down as they breathe. Even if they're a very peaceful sleeper, somehow you sense that they're sleeping. but a dead person it's just ugh it's just like they're just there and I wasn't creeped out like it wasn't like a zombie movie it was just like I don't know I was a kid I couldn't understand it I couldn't get my head around it it was startling it was like it's like there was a sadness in my in my body because you know everything this person needed to be as a person was right there in front of me There was the skin and the hair and the suit and the face that I knew and the veins and the freckles. And you're right there, dude. What do you mean? You're dead. I see you.

You're laying there. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. And my mind was just like misfiring and, you know. So maybe note to parents. I don't know how it works now.

I haven't been to an open casket funeral. for a while, but maybe note to parents, maybe prepare your kid for a dead guy or girl, you know? And I'm not, I'm not blaming my parents. They probably, you know, they were wrapped up in the death. There was a sad moment. They probably didn't register with them that, you know, they were going to see a dead person. I'm amazed I wasn't more traumatized. I mean, it was almost like everyone was so like, yeah, it's a dead, you know, it's a great.

Grandpa, he's dead. Here he is. Everyone can gather around. Like, no one made a big deal out of it, so maybe it never remained with me as a big deal. But it was certainly impactful. It's certainly ingrained on my memory. The scents, the aromas,

the feeling. And then I did the, you know, I had to do it. As a kid, I touched them. I just had to, like, I couldn't believe. He wasn't ready to just get up and talk to me and say something. Like, it made no sense.

You know? So I, like, reached out and I touched him, and he was cold and lifeless, and there was nothing there. And I was just like, ah! And then I kind of got really sad, and I think I remember stroking his head, like his hair. And remember, I was a kid. you know i'm just trying to bring my grandfather back to life here trying to make a connection i'm trying to comprehend that he's gone forever his laugh his look his touch his sense of humor just gone

and i remember the same thing happened when my other grandfather died i was a little bit older not too much a couple you know maybe four years later and you know i didn't see anything wrong with touching i mean not not in a it's not in the way you think nowadays you hear that and you think oh my god hannibal lector jeffrey dalmer no it was a sensitive it's it's the way if you lost your dog you had to put your dog down you would certainly sit there and stroke it and cry and try to connect with it and have contact with it and i remember my my second grandfather i I remember putting my little hand on his forehead and rubbing back on his hair.

Like, just, like, you know, patting the hair on his head back. And his hair just, it felt, you know, because hair doesn't deteriorate immediately or even after a while. And it was just so soft and it was so real and it was him. And I don't know. When I was a little older, I was even more sad because, I understood it now. I understood that this person was gone.

They weren't coming back. But it's tough to see a living body there. Or a dead body there of someone who was living that you interacted with. And it's just sad. And now I'm bringing everyone down. But I like to talk about experiences here on the Harlan Highway. And that's certainly one that I went through. I'm sure you've gone through.

And I don't know. If you want to share any thoughts on that topic with me, you know the number 323-215-1486? I don't know what you'd say about it, but I opened up, won't you? I don't know. I just feel like at my funeral, man, you know, not that I'm ever going to die.

Hold on. No, I'm not planning on dying. Are you kidding? I'm just saying, what if? You know, okay, what if, maybe? But no, I won't be dying. But in a hypothetical world, you know, I think I'll probably have like some Black Sabbath playing and some Iron Maiden and I'll, you know, make people watch a clip of, you know,

my favorite movie and I don't know. I feel like funerals could be a little pepier. Maybe they've got to be retooled, you know? Make it so that people celebrate more that the person was here instead of being so devastated that they're gone. I don't know. It's a touchy thing. It's a touchy, touchy thing, Miss Death.

Let's hope the death never touches you anytime soon because we got a lot of road to travel here on the Harland High Island High. way we got a lot a lot of miles to cross and i'm not going to go out i know i'm coming to the end of the podcast i don't want to go out on this topic i don't want you to feel uh like it was weird or creepy or morbid it's a tough topic to talk about it's sensitive it might even make some of you emotional i can feel myself getting a little emotional remembering all this stuff it's it's a weird one. So we're not going to go out like this. No, we're going to celebrate life. We're going to celebrate laughter. And what better way to do it than to head down to the Harlan Highway

Celebrity Race Track before we close out the show today. And let's go catch some creepy celebrities running around the Harlan Highway Celebrity Race Track. Here we go. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Charles Parsley, and I'll be calling the race today, the celebrity race at the Holland Highway Celebrity Race Track. Today we have Pee We have Pee Weirman in Gate 1. We have Lindsay Loham, actress in Gate 2, star of the movie Precious in Gate 3,

and in Gate 5, Shaq O'Neill, NBA star Shaq O'Neill. They're readying at the gate. They're just about to ring the bell. There they go. The bell has been wrong. There they go. The gates are open, and it looks like, what's this? Shaq O'Neill is standing in his gate.

The Shaq O'Neill NBA star has not moved. His gate is wide open, but he refuses to leave the gate. He's just standing there. That's given a lot of opportunity for Lindsay Lohan, Pee Wee Herman, and precious, precious thundering down the track. The whole stadium's shaking. The light stands are swaying back and forth under the pressure of her enormous weight.

Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan knocked off her feet, and she's pulling a connipion fit in the middle of the race track. She's laying on her chest, banging, banging the dirt with her fist like a little bratty, spoiled child. And Pee Wee Herman,

Peeway Herman has steadied himself in his little suit, in his white shoes. He's making stupid, retarded faces to the crowd. It looks like he sees some little boys in the crowd. He's making his way to the little boys. everyone's concerned but it's okay he's pulled out some toys and he's doing a puppet show for the little boys lindsay lohan has now gotten up it looks like she's ready to run but no no she's smashing her fist against the railing she's pulling her own hair out and it looks like she's

taking a bottle of jack daniels out and she's consuming it it looks like she's going to down the whole bottle and shack o'neal jack o'neal still refusing to leave the gate he just stands there watching all the action as precious precious now thundering down the track and she's tripped she's tripped she's done some mud and she's rolling. She's rolling like a giant bowling ball. And oh my goodness, Peewey Herman is in front of her. It's like a seat rate out of Raiders at the last dark. It's like a giant

round stone, a giant rock rolling after Peewee. Peewee can't get out of the way. Oh, and Peewey, Herman has been flattened. He's been flattened. Puppets and toys flying everywhere. And Lindsay Loan is smoking a joint and yelling at the crowd, ripping her hair out.

And it looks like Shaq. Shack is about to make a move. Shaq is, he's stepping out of the gate, he takes one giant step, and Shaq has crossed the finish line. It only took one step for the nine-foot monster to win the race, and in one step, he knocks out Precious and Lindsay Lohan. Shaq O'Neill winning today at the Holland Highway Celebrity Race Track. What a race indeed. I'm Charles Parsley. We'll see you in the winner's circle. Until next time, happy racing. Out of my stevie!

Oh, boy. Precious rolls, steamrolls, Pee-Wee-Herman. Ha-ha, ha, ha, ha, made you look. Well, there you go. Hope we got you out on a laugh. Lots to ponder today. Life and death and questions of the heart. Oh, it's fun.

It's fun to reflect. It's fun to be introspective. It's fun to laugh. We do it all right here on the Harland Highway. And until next time, my friends, live large, be happy. And chicken chow main, baby.