The Harland Highway - PODCAST 120

Episode Date: June 4, 2010

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Hello, is it you? I'm podcasting too. Hello, Lionel Richie. What a bad idea. What a horrible way to start the podcast. So it can only get better from here, right? Okay, good. I'm glad you agree. Welcome, I'm Harlan Williams. You are on the Harland Highway podcast, beaming from planet Earth to galaxies, far, far, far away where we probably will be attacked by alien life forms once they hear this, but who cares, let's have fun while we can. Today, we're talking about a man that might be able to

stop an alien attack, Superman. You'll never guess in what context, in which context I will be talking about Superman. You won't believe where I spotted Superman, and I'm not even lying. I spotted Superman.

Okay. We're going to be talking about toilet paper. Some celebrities got a brilliant idea about toilet paper. I'll tell you all about that. We're going to be talking about cats and catnip. Have you ever seen a cat cranked up on catnip? It is a sight to behold. And of course it's Friday, so Dr. Ascot will be here. I have to check in with him, not looking forward to it.

And all sorts of fun surprises. So enough chit-chat. Let's go. Folks, you're on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely.

It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Romp-spin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy. This is Eddie. He wants to party.

But they just hang up. Hello. Hey, how's it going, man? Good. Good. It's Eddie. How you doing? Eddie, Eddie, you?

From the hardware store? Yeah, okay. I was going to see maybe you wanted to kick back, have a beer or something today. Yeah, it did, eh? Yeah, maybe a Hineken or something? Yeah, yeah, no problem. Oh, awesome, what time do you want to put it together?

Well, what about eight o'clock tomorrow night? Uh, okay. Or are you going to be in Scotland tomorrow? I guess I could make it there. Who the fucking hell is this? It's Eddie from the hardware store, man. It's going to see if you wanted to have a barbecue or something. What hardware store?

The one downtown. Yeah, I want to have a barbecue? Downtown hardware store. Yeah, we'll have some corn on the cob, some ribs. Yeah, okay, buddy. All right. How about some coleslaw? Our coleslaw as well, bye.

Wait, what the hell? How do I get to Scotland? What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up. You know what? I'll give you some what the hell, Eddie. How about this?

How many of you folks have ever seen Superman and Superwoman doing their grocery shopping? Okay, sound ridiculous. Okay, you may think I'm lying, but I saw it the other day. And I'm not even joking. Get ready for this. I'm over at the grocery store. It's like 9 o'clock at night, okay? You know, I'm picking up some cheese puffs.

I'm picking up, you know, some salmon. I'm picking up, you know, I'm doing my groceries, okay? I'm doing my groceries, yeah. And I come around the corner, and there was Superwoman. Okay, and I'm not talking about, you know, some hot-looking chick. I'm talking about a woman. in full costume, a full grown woman in full superwoman costume. And as I tried to make sense of it, all of a sudden, Superman walked around the corner and joined her.

He was carrying a little green basket, and they were looking in the dairy section. And when I say Superman, full-blown Superman costume, all right, let me back up. Let me give you, you know, a little backstory here. You got to remember this supermarket was right down in Hollywood, okay? I live in Hollywood. This supermarket is like three doors down from the man's Chinese theater. You know, if you don't know what the man's Chinese theater is, it's the famous theater in Hollywood where all the footprints and handprints are in the cement, okay?

And superstars sign their names. can see my name there. Don't worry. Yeah, right. Maybe one day. I'll remain optimistic. I shouldn't laugh at myself. Maybe one day. Maybe I'll be there for the Harland Highway. How about that? But anyway, so as part of the tourist thing, you know, millions of people, I think it's estimated 10 million people a year. Tour has come through that area of town to look at those famous footprints and take pictures and yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, and Yoda. Oh, thank you much. You're welcome.

I didn't want to, you know, do the yada, yada, yada, without mentioning Yota, Yota, Yota. Mm, again, I thank you much. Okay, relax. Up yours much. Okay. Anyways. So, as part of this thing, you know, know, entrepreneurial, you know, out-of-work actors or just people struggling to make a buck,

maybe even some homeless people, they've figured out there's a huge influx of people, of tourists that congregate in this one area. So, being creative and looking to make a few bucks, these people have started donning costumes. They've started showing up on the sidewalk, wearing everything from Superman to Darth Vader to Spider-Man to Snoopy to Shrek to the Jeepers creepers monsters to Freddy the 13th. I mean, everyone's out there. Okay, SpongeBob, Homer Simpson. It's almost like a parade. And what they do is they try to be like lookalikes and the tourists, you know, the odds of a tourist like,

rubbing shoulders with a real star when they come to Hollywood is next to zero. So they're like, oh, well, here's a guy dressed like a star. I guess I'll give him a few bucks and pose with them. So people, you know, shell out three, four, five bucks stand beside like a homeless guy in a Spider-Man costume or some creepy guy in a Superman suit, right? they get their picture and then when they get home they probably ultimately have this experience

people are like oh how is your trip to Hollywood did you meet any stars and they're like yeah look at this man I got my picture beside Superman and here's one with me

with Darth Vader and here's one of me with the Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean and people are like dude these are people dressed up

like Johnny Depp and Clark Kent and SpongeBob dude they're not the real people uh yeah okay but nonetheless I was in Hollywood yeah dude I could dress up as SpongeBob here in Cleveland uh okay thanks for ruining my trip

you're welcome um you know I guess of the excitement of being in Hollywood that people imagine that these weirdos dressed up are maybe the real thing. Okay, so let me get back to my story. So what happens is a lot of these costumed characters live in the area or they park in the area

and they really doll it up. I mean, they really get elaborate. You know, they put the makeup on and some of these costumes should probably win awards. They're pretty damn good. But in the process, they have to walk to their parked car, maybe on the way home. It's like you or me.

It's like, I'm on my way home. I think I'll stop and pick up some groceries. You know, get a little something to throw in the oven, kick back, watch television, right? But that being said, they don't have anywhere to go change because they're out in the street. You know, they can't change until they get to their cars or until they get home or do they get to a public restroom

or her knows where they do it. And poor Superman, they don't have phone booths anymore, so where's he going to get changed? Hello. So there you go. There's the backstory. I'm doing my shopping. And there's a Superman and Superwoman shopping for milk and butter in the dairy section at my supermarket.

And it was hilarious. You know, the guy had the wig on with the little Jerry curl on the, not the Jerry curl, but he had the little curl on his forehead. and he had the Superman suit. He wasn't a built guy, so he stuffed like foam where all the muscles should be. So he had like these kind of misshaping biceps

and his leg muscles looked a little twisted like he maybe had landmine reconstructive surgery. I mean, it was just twisted, man. I mean, can you imagine Superman buying his Groceries. Faster than a speeding bullet. Able to leap shopping carts in a single bound. It's Superman.

Yeah, can't you just picture them whipping all over the store, trying to get the sales, right? Attention shoppers. We have a sale on frozen peas in aisle five. Peas and aisle five. Attention shoppers. We have popsicles on sale in the dairy section. Attention shoppers.

jumbo shrimp on sale in our seafood area and donuts. Donuts in the bakery. Donuts in the bakery and women's feminine products. We have a sale on tampons. All right, maybe I went a bit too far, but you know, Superman could get everything, man. He could have all his groceries done in like less than 35 seconds, right? He could just whip in there, grab everything and be checked out

before anyone knew what happened. Oh, my God. I'm so jealous. But I got to say he looked very leisurely when I saw him and his misses. And they looked so cute in their blue and their red. Just surreal, man. Only in Hollywood, man. And I got to say, some of these people, okay, some of these people,

let's just say their costumes have been around maybe too long. and they look really sorry ass and they're stained and they're worn out and SpongeBob looks like he's maybe on crystal meth and I swear there's one homeless Spider-Man guy his suit looks like it's got SARS and he just doesn't have the physique to fill it out and he looks awful and I've seen Wonder Women out there with cellulite and fishnets

it's scary man Superman help me help me get away Superman Help me get away from all the whack jobs in Hollywood. Superman! Ah, put the eggs down and help, damn you! In oil five, it's butter, it's milk, it's egg-o-frozen waffles. Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive.

Able to leap tall buildings in a single bow. Yeah, I'm calling out to Cheryl Crow. Are you listening, Cheryl? You all know the singer, Cheryl Crow. I guess everybody's jumping on the Al Gore, inconvenient truth, save the planet bandwagon, which isn't a bad thing, but sometimes you get really dumb ideas. And Cheryl Crow, the singer, rock,

star songwriters come out and said that everyone, in order to conserve, should just use one little square sheet of toilet paper when they wipe their little boing-ditty, boing, boing, boing, boing. You know what I'm talking about. We all have one. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go look in the mirror. You'll see it, staring back at you. Okay, Cheryl, one little square of toilet paper. I mean, we're talking the size of a cheese slice.

I don't know if you've looked around, honey. But America is probably the last place where the folks should be using one square of toilet wipe. Judging by the size and the width and the weight of a lot of Americans, I think you might need something more like a roll of paper towels per person. Now, you, Cheryl Crow, probably weigh what? Four, five, six pounds maybe? Okay, you could probably take a square of toilet paper, maybe fold it in half, rip it in half, and just use a corner.

You are a tiny petite woman. I don't know what you eat. Maybe eat bird seed or a couple of sunflower seeds or maybe eat a popsicle every four days. You're thin. The rest of us, I mean, you don't hear Rosie O'Donnell coming out with this big idea. huh? So let's keep it in perspective here, Cheryl. Okay? I appreciate the effort, but let's keep it real. Here on the Harland Highway. Give me a toilet flesh, Raj. Thanks, buddy. I just flushed Cheryl Crow's idea right down the toilet.

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Yeah, and this may sound mean, but here's someone I'd like to flush down the toilet. God, it is Friday. It's time for my...

in-studio therapy session. Oh, with the Harland Highway therapist that the powers that be have hired to keep me in line. They think I need brain work because they think I've got to screw loose, so I got to sit down with this guy, Dr. Ascott every Friday. Ah, here we go. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Arland. What are we doing today?

Please try to sound a little more enthused, Arland. Well, I'm sorry if I don't sound enthused, because I really don't like this. Holland. Well, I really don't, and I think you know it. Holland. And do you have to say my name? Alland. Again and again.

Allend. Oh, God. Can we get this over with? Arland, today we are going to be talking about comfort. Comfort. What does that mean? Well, as we go through life, Arland, we tend to get out of our comfort zone. Yes, I know. That's called the rat race. Don't tell me my work, Holland.

Okay, what do you call it? It's the rat race, Arland. Isn't that what I just said? Holland. Oh. One of the things that makes us feel. feel comfortable, Holland, is comfort food. Comfort food?

Yes, Holland. The aroma that comes from foods we remember from our childhood, from when we were growing up, Holland. Help soothe us, pacify us, if you will. Okay, great, okay. Maybe I agree with you there. Comfort foods, stuff you had when you were a kid. You mean stuff like your mother made when you were living at home?

Exactly. Arland, you're learning quickly. Okay, okay, maybe this is good. Holland, I brought some comfort foods with me today. Oh, okay, well, I thought it smelled kind of good in here. Thank you, Arlen. Um, okay, maybe this one I can actually get into. Allan, let me show you the comfort foods.

Great, okay. This can be the first session you've ever done that I actually like, Dr. As, Scott. Thank you, Holland. Now, what I want you to do is look at these wonderful comfort foods. Wow, look at this. Look at all this stuff. Holy smokes. This looks delicious. Thank you, Holland. Wow, so what do you want me to, like, sniff them and kind of, you know,

reminisce about go back to a simpler, easier time in my life? Is that how it works? That's part of it, Holland. Okay. Start sniffing, Holland. Okay. Oh. Oh, that's nice.

Oh, that is really, yeah, I think this is working. Thank you, Holland. Wow, this is really bringing back some fun memories of being at home with my family on a Sunday night. Exactly, Holland. Do you find it's calming you down, Holland? Yeah, yeah. this is wow all right arland now for the second part oh what you want me to eat some not exactly oh okay what am i doing alland i need you to take your clothes off right down to your underwear please

excuse me alland i need you to take your clothes off down to your undies oh god are you kidding me there's no way Holland, you will be terminated if you don't follow the protocol. Oh, wait a minute, you're going to use the pink slip. Exactly, Holland. You're going to use a pink slip on me, and if I don't do what you want, you're going to tell my superiors. Bingo. Don't say bingo to me. Bingo, Allent.

Oh, God. Down to my underpants. Exactly, Holland. Oh, God. I can't believe I do this. Get the shirt off here and my pants. Wonderful underpants, Arland. Stop checking out my underpants.

What do I need to do? Let's get this over with. Arland, I want you for the sake of comfort. Yeah, I know. Comfort. It takes me back. I'm feeling very uncomfortable right now. Alland. What do you want me to do? Holland, I want you to pick out the food that made you the most comfortable. All right, the meat load.

Excellent, Arlen. Now I want you to pick it up and rub it all over your whole body. What? Holland. I'm not rubbing a meatloaf on my body. Holland, it will relax you and make you feel comfortable. It will not. I'm not going to stand here, half naked in front of a grown man rubbing meatloaf all over my body.

Holland, you will do it or you will be fired. Oh, give me the meatloaf. Oh, God, ow, it's hot. It's still hot. I just took it out of the oven, Arland. Oh, ow, it's burning me. Ow! Hollins, rub it all around.

Ow! A little lower, Arland, lower. Sour! Ow! Holland, now how about some lovely red potatoes for your eyes? What? Why don't you put these red potatoes on your eyes just like this? Ow, they're hot, they're hot.

And I've made you some wonderful roast beef sandals, Arlen, for your bare feet. Ow, ow, ow, ow, what is that gravy? Ow, good Lord, I'm covered with meatloaf. I've got, I can't see a thing. Can I take these potatoes off my eyes? Yes, Arlen, look at your roast beef sandals. Oh, my God. This is roast beef squishing between my toes.

And how about a nice summer squash helmet, Holland? No, I'm not wearing a summer squash helmet. Get out of here. Harlan, put the helmet on. Out! Put your summer squash helmet on, Holland. Get out of here. This is ridiculous.

Holland, you look like a buffet. Stop it! Are you feeling comfortable, Holland? No, I'm not feeling comfortable. Would you mind if I put a slice of fresh honey glazed ham between your bottom? Get out of here! Right in your butt cheeks, Arland. Out!

Wow, what the hell is wrong with that guy? A summer squash helmet? Roast beef sandals? What the... God, I can't wait till the day comes when I'm done with that guy. Most people are like, T-G-I-F, thank God it's Friday. I'm like, oh, God, someone hide me in a broom closet. Holland.

Get out of here. oh god well now that we're through that and i smell like a dirty kitchen oh let's talk about something else i want to talk about dogs okay little lap dogs okay who came up with the term lap dog you know i almost feel like if you buy a lap dog you should have a belt and even when you stand up and walk you should have like this furry bundle right on your crotch. You're just wandering around doing your shopping. There's like a chihuahua strapped to your pelvis. There's a lapso-epso covering your penis.

You know? I don't know. It's just a little too fru-frou. I almost feel like little lap dogs, little tiny dogs with, you know, with bangs over their eyes and little bows in their hair and puppy-need. needs a trim, and I almost feel like those are like dogs for people that don't really know how to handle a dog or don't want, can't handle a real dog. So that's just kind of like, it's almost like a stuffed toy, but it moves.

Right? It's like an elaborate like Teddy Ruckspin or something. It's this fancy wind-up toy that can actually like run around and bark and I don't know. somehow I just I guess I like those little dogs Like if I see one and I pick one up And I hold it I like it But the idea of going out and buying one of those little fluffy guys

I just don't know I don't know if that's like the real dog experience It's almost like buying a car It's like let's see here Do I want the Dodge Charger Or do I want the smart car Hmm boy oh boy Which one would feel good

in my lap. Do I want the little smart car so I can sit there and play chess with it? Or do I want the Dodge Charger so I can go up to the graveyard and drink a six-pack under the full moon? Wait, what? Six-pack up in the graveyard?

What the hell am I talking about? Maybe I do need a smart car injected in my head to help me with my gray matter a little bit. But anyways, I just don't know technically if you should, if a dog should be called a dog, if it's smaller than a cat. Okay? And I don't want to hear the term dog light.

I just don't know if your dog is smaller than a cat and you don't like cats, then what right do you have having a dog that's smaller than a cat? Or maybe they should make small dogs meow. You know, they can look like a dog, but technically they're a cat, dog, type of thing. Cat dog, dog cat. Meow. Outta boy, Skipper.

Go get the stick. Meow. That's it. Roll over, Skipper. Meow. Add a boy. Shake a paw. Shake a paw.

Bad, Skipper. Go eat your catnip. Meow. God, what is that catnip thing? Anybody hear of a cat? I used to have a cat, okay? And somewhere in the pet shops, they sell this stuff called catnip.

And if you didn't think an animal can get high, I would love to get inside a cat's skin and try catnip. Because it is no joke. There's no catnip for dogs. There's no catnip for cockatiels. I've never seen catnip for a horse. or any other type of pet. But I'm telling you, man,

you go buy some catnip, all right? At a store, at a pet store, and you lay it down on the ground for your cat, and I'm telling you, man, they become drug addicts. They are just flaking out, man. They don't just snort it. Like, first, they snort it, they eat it, they lick it. but they get so, like, turned on by this, this drug, this hallucinogenic, whatever it is,

they just start rolling in it. They can't get enough of it. I mean, I've never seen, like, someone doing coke or smoking grass, and they're just like, oh, my God, I got a wallow in this stuff, like a hippo in a mud puddle. But the cats, man, they go berserk, and they start jumping around, and they start staring off into the ditches. and they almost look happy you know how cats are always in control and they're always kind of like

even when they're playing they're so like aware of everything and everything they do is so stealthy and I don't know they just seem in control but man you get demo cranked up on catnip wow They are just flaked out to the world, man. Meow! Like, hey, man, can somebody, like, get over here, Pronto and, like, rub my belly, man? Oh, meow, dude. And how about somebody grab me some mice or something, man?

I think I have the munchies, man. Oh, wow. Yeah. I'm going to scratch something, man. Wow. Oh, what's that? Is that like a giant purple can of cat food floating in front of me? Hiss, his, scratch, scratch, meow.

Kitty's on fire. Yeah, I don't know. It's just funny that we allow our cats to get cranked up on drugs, you know? Like if there was a some kind of a comming. middy, you know, for, uh, you know, drugs, drug-taking animals, you know, the same way we treat humans. Watch, that person smokes grass. Oh, my God. Get that person into treatment. What an outlaw. What a, what a rebel. Something's wrong with that individual. But yet, yet in all the pet world, somehow, uh, we allow cats to indulge. It's pretty bizarre, man. I think,

Maybe I'll go try snorting some of that catnip myself. Maybe eat a bunch. Maybe get some mice, run down to Kentucky Fried Chicken, see if they'll deep fry them for me. Hello! All right, well, if you never hear from me again, just go down to the Humane Society and look for the stoned guy sitting in the cat cage,

all curled up, talking to the walls. And until next time, my friends, chicken chow maine, baby. Cat, cat, in French chatechapou, in Spanish, el-gato in a sombrero. And I'll tell you something more. Now you listen to me good. In German, I'm a cata, and this is my hout. Is that not a casserhout? Yeah, that is a casserhunt.

Catterhout, casserhut. Catterhut. Yeah, that is a cutter hood.