The Harland Highway - PODCAST 121

Episode Date: June 7, 2010

The national anthem, Senior Fuentes, outside the box, socks. Holy fluff a nut! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello, everybody. Welcome to the Holland Highway. Chim-chimmery, chim-chimmery, no, no, no, we're not starting with a cheesy Dick Van Dyke song. This is Harlem Williams. You are riding down the Harlan Highway with me. And we are going to be talking about some fun stuff today, as usual. If it ain't fun, I don't want it coming in the door. Okay? I'm not fun. Then get out. Okay.

we're going to be talking about singing as a group today and that's all I'm going to say you'll get it when I get into it further on the show but singing as a group okay um we're going to be talking about uh stepping outside of your everyday routine and doing stuff I went jet skiing recently um what have you done lately outside of your normal routine okay we're going to be talking about that. I'm going to be pushing you to try and expand your horizons a little. We're going to be talking about socks of all things. Don't ask why. It's the Harland Highway. We talk about everything here.

I think my gardener, Senor Fentas, is dropping by today, which I dread. But who cares? I don't dread having you here. I love having you here because guess where we are? We're on the highway. Not any highway. The Harland Highway!

You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Rapspin and I'm your friend Riding down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy This is Eddie

He wants to party But they just hang up Iconic design Hey, how's it going, man? Good Awesome, it's Eddie calling Hello? Hello?

Yeah Hi, it's Eddie Who's Eddie? I'm from the hardware store? No idea. It's going to see if you wanted to grab a beer after work or something? Is this Ian?

No, Eddie. I don't know, no, Eddie. From the hardware store, we'll grab a beer, maybe get some chicken wings. Hello? Uh, sorry. A couple of barbecued wings in a Budweiser or something, or? No, I'll have to pass. Well, I just want to have a beer, man.

Some chicken wings. Watch the soccer game. Hello? I'm here. Maybe we could order some mozzarella sticks, man. No, I'll have to pass, thanks. I just want someone to have a beer with, man. No.

About some zucchini sticks. No. Sorry, Eddie. You'll have to ask someone else. Well, I just want to have a beer with someone, man. Oh, well, good luck. Got to go. We'll talk to you soon.

Bye. What the hell? What the hell? I just watch around sticks. What? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up.

Boy, people sure do get awkward around Eddie. Poor Eddie, but you know where else people get really, really awkward? And, yeah, get ready to go look in the mirror, okay? because I'm talking to each and every one of you. Okay. When you are at some kind of a sporting event or some kind of an event where they kind of make you stand up,

take your hat off, and in unison, sing the national anthem. Have you ever seen a more awkward group of people? Yourself included, if you're there, if you're a participant. You ever watch it on TV? You're watching a hockey game or a football game and a basketball game.

And ladies and gentlemen, please rise for our national anthem. Then the music starts and people are kind of looking around like, oh my God. Do I like have to sing? Like, I don't really sing, but I don't want people to think I'm, a communist, and I don't want to be put in front of the firing squad or anything. Oh, my God, I guess I better sing. I don't even know the words. Oh, say, can you see me on a dark, chilly night?

I've got my bathroom on, and I'm hungry, and the drive-thru's open all night. and the curly fries. Yeah, and I'm not trying to insult the national anthem, but come on, how many of you listening know any of the words? How many of you know three quarters of the words, half the words, and think you know the words? And how many of you can sing them in sequence? So my point is, when they pan the camera across that crowd,

and they all just look so awkward, don't they? Because, you know, they're like, God, I better sing. I don't want to sing. I do want to sing, but I don't know how to sing. And their eyes go wide, and they kind of don't want to look beside them because they don't want to see people looking at them singing and no one wants to look at each other

and they're kind of mumbling the words. They're like half-singing. Right? It's the most unenergetic singing you've ever seen, most of the people. Like, don't you think the national anthem should be full of pride and vim and vigor should be, And the rocket's red flare, the bombs bursting in air, almost like opera. But instead people are like so trepidacious and timid and meek. They're like, and soon we all know.

that the flag was still there. Oh, say, can't you... I hope the camera's not watching me right now. And this is a star spag. Right? It's just the most uncomfortable thing ever. Because let's face it, most people don't sing in public. Most people, you know, when do you ever see someone like singing in public?

And think of it, when do 20,000 human beings just break into song together? You know, it's not like you're walking down the streets of Manhattan and right on cue. Everyone on the street is like, hello, my baby, hello, my darling, hello, my ragtime draw. Right? It's not like suddenly there's some kind of choreography and everyone's doing like a Radio City musical dance step. People don't sing together, people eat together, people sleep together. They don't sing together if you're the Bee Gees, maybe. And the rocket's red flare, the bombs burst in air.

Right? But the regular folks, me and you and everyone else, we don't get together and sing together. And, you know, you go to the games and they get the big, the jumbo-tron, and they get that cheesy digital pixelated flag. It's supposed to look like it's blowing in the wind. It looks like, you know, someone dipped it in, you know, ice overnight, and it's frozen and it's having trouble flapping. Right, and the lyrics are coming along.

Oh, say, can you see, right? And then this is what gets me at the end, right? At the very end, this is always. funny. Raid towards the end of the song, everyone kind of gets into it in the last like five seconds. You know, that whole like crescendo thing at the end, it's like, and the land of the free and the home of the prayer.

And everyone in that last beat, everyone's like, Yeah! Woo! cheering, not so much for their country, but that the songs ended, that the anthem is over, and they're no longer guilted and trapped into the communal singing. It's like the world's largest, worst choir ever. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the stinky Philharmonic All Men's and Women's Choir from the Baltimore Orioles Baseball Club. yeah right

so there you go but that being said you know why don't we work on it people you know we can laugh at it we can make fun of it but at the end of the day I love a good national anthem I love I love

there's kind of a power a magic to it and when people do stand together and half-assedly sing even though it's half-assed there is a certain feeling of unity that comes over the crowd. There's a bond. There's some kind of togetherness, which

let's face it in today's society is extremely hard to find. You know, I think the last time there was a mass like togetherness, I hate to say it was 9-11. I think, you know, Americans reached out

to each other kind of psychologically. We became one big front. We came one big citizen of United States, and it was as tragic as 9-11 was, it was a good feeling to feel people's spirits meld together. It was strong, and it was reassuring, and I don't think it happens enough in the United States, and maybe the singing the national anthem is really the last outpost of us being

able to do that. So I guess what I'm alluding to here is next time. you're in a situation and you have to stand and sing your country's national anthem maybe try giving it a little extra maybe be proud maybe don't worry if you're the loud off-key guy maybe your your loud boisterous rendition your heartfelt rendition of your anthem

will spur the others around you on and everyone will join in and we can lose this timid, scared kind of national anthem haze that comes over us when the event happens. So there you go. There's the two sides of the coin, and God bless the world. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no, no. Roger?

Ah. What is he doing here? What is my gardener doing here? This is unbelievable. I've told you not. Hello, Senor, Senor Fentz here. I know who you are. Senor Fentz.

What are you doing here? I'm in the middle of a podcast. I've got some bad news, Signor. You always have bad news. What is it this time? I had to put my arm in your hole. Excuse me? I had to put my arm in your hole, Señor.

All right. Stop it right there. What are you talking about? Well, I was doing some lawn work today, Signor, and I found a gopher hole. Okay, a gopher hole. Don't say my hole. Well, it's your lawn, isn't it, senor? Yes, it's my lawn.

Well, wouldn't that make it your hole? All right, stop it. What, what about it? Well, senor, there was a gopher hole in the lawn, so I had to roll up my sleeve and shove my whole arm all the way up into your hole. Stop it. What, senor? stop referring to it as my hole it's a it's a gopher hole you call it whatever you want seor all i know is i had my arm all the way up to the shoulder it really hurt stop to

all right what happened well i reached up there seor and i was fishing all around in your hole and i touched something what are you talking about there was something up in your hole seor oh come on what what are you talking about it was furry and brown oh god it was a gopher, signor. There's a gopher up your hole. Stop saying, all right, did you, did you get the thing? Well, I had to shove a carrot up your hole, senor. Why did you, hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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gopher hole well i had to lure the gopher out seor i didn't want that big toothy hairy critter living in your hole it's not my haul well the good thing news is, signor, I pulled the gopher right out of your hole. Okay, good. Are we done? Well, there's some more bad news, signor. What? I need to find something to fill your hole now. Stop it. Well, do you want a big gaping hole, Senor? Stop it. Maybe some concrete or some, uh, maybe we can put some silly putty in your hole. Stop it! Get out of here! Signor, you don't want a big gaping hole.

You never know what could happen. Maybe a dog will fall into your hole or something. Get out of here! Okay, signor. Would you like a carrot before I go? Get out! How about a cucumber? Get out of here!

Okay, so I'm down in Florida, and I went jet skiing. Oh, my God. People. People. people. You've got to try it. Okay, picture me wailing across the aquamarine water at the Florida intercoastal down in Miami. Going about 55 miles an hour. Whaling along, spray flying off the back of the jet ski there. Sea spray all over my face. Wind in my hair. just total freedom man just bouncing along the waves then I went down into one of the

bayou areas the ocean kind of meets up with the cypress trees there whatever the hell kind of trees they are to me booting down some tight little channels I can see the fish swimming in the water underneath me just skimming across the water people it's the type of thing you've got to do Life is too short, okay? No matter what you're doing, no matter how many vacations you got planned or I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that when I retired. Do it. Just do it now.

Have some fun. Give yourself a break. Go to Florida, rent a jet ski. Just go nuts. You'll thank yourself. You'll thank me. Watch out for Manatees here on the Harlem Highway. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, man.

Sometimes life can creep up on you. Sometimes life can take over. And when I say take over, I mean, sometimes it's the life that maybe you don't always want. Or maybe it's the life that you're stuck in. Maybe it's that old cliche, the routine, right? And it isn't until you kind of find yourself in a place where these things come up where you get reminded of how much fun life can be, how much more there is for life to offer you.

So you know what? Force yourself to do these things. I'm not telling you what to do. That's just my advice. You know, every year you should pick a spot on the calendar, not just once a year, but two, three, maybe four times a year, and go, you know what, I'm going to go do this. or I'm going to go do that or I'm going to take a week and do this or that and try something, man.

Live. Do things. Next time you're at a party, tell people, yeah, man, I went on an archaeological dig. I found a triceratops tooth. You did what? Yeah, that's right, man. I went online and, you know, you can go to these camps and you can dig for dinosaur bones.

Oh, my God, do you want to get laid? Excuse me? I mean, that sounds fantastic. You know, like, have stories for people. What was the last good story you told? What was the last good adventure you told people about? Well, you know, me and Jim, we put a banana peel on the ground in the cafeteria at the office today. And, oh, well, there was a lot of talk about that for the next two days,

and then everything was back to normal. Right? this is your life you're allowed to take a week off you're allowed to get vacations you're allowed to go out on the weekend and do things I'm just telling you don't get stagnant don't get stiff do things that press your buttons feel the sea breeze in your hair do something don't just watch it all go by on TV wow look at this reality show man people running all over the world and rock climbing and hang gliding and uh hey where's the chips no go out and feel it go out and live it it's you'll be amazed at what it does for you it does for your spirit it does for to invigorate you to make you feel alive to make you feel inspired uh to help you step outside of uh maybe your possible humdrum existence

and i don't want to sit here and say oh you've got a humdrum existence okay but all of us No matter what we do can get into a pattern, can get into a routine, can get humdrum. So remind yourself, do yourself a favor to get out of that. And it doesn't have to be extreme sports. It doesn't have to be jumping out of an airplane with a parachute. It can be a road trip. Go somewhere you've never been.

A ride down the road. You know, you'd be amazed what's around you. You know, 60 miles from your house, there could be an incredible museum or a zoo or a go-pick-your-one. strawberries or a corn maze or a bungee jump i don't know rent you can rent a dirt bike and ride around on a track i'm just saying man you know go out explore because uh you know don't be tricked with all the uh you know we're free and this is america and we can do whatever we want you know that is true but we're also we're also in under the under the uh blanket of a system

we're under a blanket of a system that kind of plugs all of us into a certain hole in life did you say whole senor get out of here um and sometimes um you can get so plugged in that you forget to do things that are fun, things that are important to you, things that make you feel good. So there you go. That's my little pep talk, my little pep talk, my little seminar, my little nudge

to get you off the couch, to get you thinking and doing things. You're probably like, well, who the hell is this freaking guy, man? Hey, look, I'm only saying it because I do it to myself too. And I'm a guy that flies all over the place, and, you know, I don't have a nine-to-five job. I kind of, you know, I don't know where I'm going to end up. But even that in itself can become a routine. So I have to step outside of that.

I have to, we all have to step outside of anything we do. Even if you're a guy who sky jumps for a living or skydives for a living, even that will become your routine. So even to the skydivers, the thrill seekers, listening, you know, go do something else. We all can benefit from a change. Change in scenery, a change in pace.

And maybe I should just shut up and change the damn topic. Yes, please, if you would. You're getting really preachy. Well, I'm not trying to be preaching. Shut up. I'm not trying to be preaching. Shut up. I'm just trying to put fun ideas

and people say, shut up, change. Okay. We're moving on. Hi, this is Harland Williams, and you're listening to the Harland Highway, and it's time for another helpful tip. Are you tired of spending money on socks? They get worn out, and after a few months, you have to throw them away? How many pairs of socks have you bought in the span of your lifetime? Well, here's a solution to help you save time and money.

Instead of buying socks, go to Home Depot and buy a couple of cans of spray paint. When you wake up in the morning, just spray paint socks on both of your feet. Nothing to wash, nothing to put in the laundry, and most of all, you never have to buy socks again. Yes, spray paint your socks on. Just another friendly tip for me, Harlan Williams, here at the Harland Highway. Although I got to tell you, folks, okay, I love new socks. That's one of my little secret pleasures in life, I think. Nobody knows about it but you.

I'm telling you, this is our little secret. But if I was one of these oil sheiks, one of these guys with trillions of dollars, I would just send my servants out. And whatever amount of days there are in a year, what is it, 320 or something. I don't know. I'm not a scholar. I would say, get me

a new pair of socks for every day. I love putting on new socks. They feel so squishy and soft and warm and they just envelop your feet and they, ugh. It just feels so

good to me. It's one of those little pleasures. And then once you put your socks through the laundry machine, they just kind of lose their density. They lose their thickness, their plushness, their softness. With each wash, your socks get down to a point where it just feels like you're kind of wrapping paper towels around your feet by, you know, the second month, right? And then you look at your socks. One day you hold them up to the light, and you can see right where the heel is. It's like, for some

reason, it's almost see-through. It's like all the, all the fabrics gone, but yet the fibers are still there. It's like, it's like this patch that your heel wore out and then right up the ball of your, of your foot right up by your, um, just behind your big toe, that kind of, that ball in your foot, right? That's always like worn out, but somehow you still keep wearing them and then finally one day you pull them off and that heel rips, right? It's like, that's the weak stress point. And then the only upside is you get to go put on a brand new pair of socks that you just bought. Oh, God, it's heaven. Let's see, sex, brand new pair of socks, sex, brand new pair of socks, which do I prefer? I'll tell you what, I'm going to put on a brand new pair of socks, and we're going to have sex.

Heaven! Yes. And speaking of heaven, here we go. I want to mention to you, friendly folks, those of you who are fans of my stand-up comedy and those of you who are not or have never seen it, here's an opportunity to come out and check yours truly out in the upcoming weeks.

In fact, this week, this week, indeed, I will be at a wonderful, Comedy Club in Philadelphia I've never done a show in this area so this is going to be great I've never done a show in Philadelphia I'm going to

be at the Helium Comedy Club June 10th through the 13th okay mark it down if you live over in New York or Washington or Boston or

Baltimore or anywhere in that region. Come on over to the Helium Comedy Club. You can get tickets at helium comedy club.com. Or you can go to Harlan Williams.com and look for tickets. You can call 215-496-901. It's going to be great. Once again, the Helium Comedy Club, June 10th to the 13th,

yours truly. And then for those of you that live on the West Coast, I will be at the Long Beach Laugh Factory, down in Long Beach, California, just south of L.A., June 17th to the 19th. So two great weeks of comedy. I'm going bi-coastal, okay? So that's June 10th to the 13th at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia on the East Coast, and then the following weekend, June 17th to the 19th, I will be in Long Beach. Beach, California at the Laugh Factory.

So you can go to the laughfactory.com to get tickets. Make sure you click on the Long Beach link. And for helium, you can go to heliumcomedy.com. So there you go. I hope you get a chance to get out and see me, put some laughter into your summer. And that is all we have time for today. I hope you enjoyed the podcast, as always, folks. Love bringing it to you.

Please tell your friends, your neighbors, your deceased, your living. Spread the word. Let everyone else get on the highway. And our mission here is to just give everyone a good laugh. So don't be selfish. Spread the word. Get on your Facebook.

Get on your MySpace. Get on your Twitter. Whatever you have to do. alert everybody on how they can access the Harland Highway for free and join with us in the goofiness three days a week. So there you go. Much love to all of you from me, Harlan Williams, and until next time, Chicken Chow Main.

and the home of the dream.