The Harland Highway - PODCAST 122

Episode Date: June 9, 2010

Critters in your house, celebrity races, taxi drivers, bbq's, Eddy likes to party. Yum buns. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you do feel like I do? I hope you do. If you're not, you're about to, because you are on the Harlan Highway and, hey, we're all going to be feeling the same thing. Happy, groovy, cool, and out of side, baby. Because that's what happens when you get on the Harlan Highway. Welcome. I'm Harlan Williams.

So glad you're here. We are going to have fun today, man. That's what it's all about here on the highway, having fun, having some giggles and some chuckles. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, creepy. Today we're going to be talking about nature, and specifically nature in your home. Have you ever had critters get into your house?

Yeah, we're going to be talking about that. we're going to be talking about taxi drivers how dangerous how crazy that can be our friend Eddie is going to be making some calls looking for someone to party with we're going to go to the celebrity racetrack I believe we have some incredible celebrities running today Ozzy Osbourne

we're going to be talking about gassing up your car we're going to be talking about gassing up your belly when we start chatting about barbecues Barbecue season's here. It's all here on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway.

Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. This is Eddie, he wants to party, but they just hang up.

Hello. Hey, how's it going, man? Hello? Hello? What the hell? How could you hang up so quick? I didn't even get to ask you to the barbecue. What the hell?

That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Okay, so you tell me if you think this is cute or not. Okay, you ever have nature invade your house? You ever have nature get inside your house? You know what I'm talking about? A bird flies in the house or a squirrel runs in the door or a raccoon.

Yeah, so I had a bit of a nature. round up the other weekend, okay? I live up in the hills, an old Holly weird, and there's a lot of critters up where I live. I mean, it's like a virtual, you know, wildlife, animal wildlife park up here. I've got everything from coyotes to deer, to bobcat, to possum, to skunk, to raccoon, to owl, to gopher to squirrel to a lizard to snake i mean it's all up here man it's all up here and uh so the other weekend you know i'm kicking around at my house and i go into the bathroom in the morning to brush my teeth and i pick up my shorts off the floor and there's a lizard in my shorts Excuse me? Hello.

Hello, there's a lizard in my shorts. Hello. No, there really was a real live lizard. The thing was, all right, I don't even know why I'm going to say this, but the thing was about six inches long. There was a six inch long lizard in my shorts. Oh, God. All right.

And that's for real, okay? So I thought it was cute. I let them hang around for a day. And, you know, he was just hanging around. I didn't put the shorts on, by the way. I decided to leave him there. And I decided to let him hang around in my shorts for a day, okay? I like the critters.

So the next day, there he is. I go in the bathroom. He runs into my shorts. I guess that's his hiding spot. So I just pick my shorts up, take him outside, shake out the shorts, and my lizard falls out. Oh, God. Oh, you people. You people. Okay, so anyways, let's move along here.

Get your mind out of the gutters, please. So I get rid of the lizard. I'm like, oh, how cool. I had a little, like, a reptilian visitor in my home, right? So the next day, I'm sitting on the couch watching telly. It's a nice sunny afternoon. I guess it was the weekend. And this bird lands right in front of my open door.

And he's bouncing around, and he bounces right inside. He just kind of bounces. He's not flying. He's just kind of jumping around on his feet, looking for treats, I guess. And he bounces right in my door. And I'm like, okay, cool. I got another critter in the house. Yay, how cute.

Oh, cute. So cute. Right. And it's like, I didn't mind the company. So he's bouncing along. and before I know what he bounces right through the living room, and I'm like, okay, I don't mind. And then he bounces down the hall,

and he's heading towards my bedroom, and I'm like, oh, okay, well, whatever. Let's see if he can find his way out. And then I hear him out in the bedroom, and then I guess he ended up bouncing into the master bathroom where the lizard was. And I'm like, oh, cute, there's a bird in my house. And, you know, about five minutes later,

he somehow found his way back. back and he bounces back out, he bounces across the living room, and he bounces out the door and flies away. And I'm like, how cool. I'm like Mother Nature's drop-in center, man. Okay, how cool until like a few hours later I go into the bathroom to do a tinkle and there's little puddles of pudding all over my bathroom? I'm like, what? Yeah, that cute little bouncy visitor from the netherlands or whatever from nature the little weasel took about six dumps in my bathroom i mean i don't know if maybe that was his whole m-o he's like man i really got to go man i got to go so much i can't go outside nature i got to i got to find me a bathroom man i got to

get inside and get me a real good old-fashioned bathroom well guess what he found mine and there were like dollops of bird poo on the floor on the counter on the wall i mean thanks a lot buddy glad i could uh share the world with you you know he's just in there unbeknownst to me i'm out watching tv he's in there he's like You know, taking a giant bird dump, like one of my uncles or something. Oh, God. And you know what, after all that, I still think it was kind of cute. You know, I mean, how hard is it to clean up a bird dump?

But I'll tell you what, I'm not letting the coyote or the deer into my house. way. Okay, and speaking of nature's fine for legity beasties, I think it's a beautiful day for us to head out to the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. Let's go watch some races, shall we? Good afternoon, everybody. I'm Charles Parsley here at the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. Today we have some wonderful contenders.

Freddy Kruger in Lane 1. Simon Cowell in Gate 2. Whitney Houston. Pop singer Whitney Houston in Gate 3. Ozzy Osborne, the Prince of Darkness in Gate 5. They get into position. They're jostling around a bit. Ozzie looks a bit bewildered.

They're waiting for the gate. There it goes. goes the gates are open and they're off they're off they're running down the track freddie kruger out in front freddie cougar running down the track simon cowell coming in close behind simon cowell flipping off the audience as he runs both fingers flipping up and down and both theirs it looks like he's milking a cow the fingers going up and down Whitney Houston Whitney Houston running down the track with her long elegant legs she looks a little bewildered she's stopping she's stopping she's stopping she looks tired she's stopping and she's pulled some white powder out of her out of her pockets she's got

some white powder lined up on the railing and Aussie Osborne twirling around in circles Ozzie Osbourne not sure which way is up or down Simon Cowell making way down the track he's walked into the crowd and he's flipping people off right to their faces he's got his middle finger right in their faces and now Freddie Krugas turned around Freddie Kruger's come back to join Whitney Houston. Freddie Kruger pulls out his knifie fingers. It looks like he's cutting some cocaine on the rail for Whitney Houston.

Freddie Kruger and Whitney Houston snorting cocaine as Ozzy Osbourne is now at the race. Ozzy now wobbling down the track back and forth. He's a little erratic but he's making some headway. He's moving down the track. Simon Cowell and Ozzy Osbourne. The two Brits making the way down the track. Simon Cowell has just punched Ozzy

Ozzie's bit his shoulder off and now it looks like Whitney Houston and Freddie Kruger getting into the race here comes Freddie Kruger he's making progress on Simon Cowell oh he slashes Simon Cowell's two middle fingers off and now he's put some knife blades right to his back it's down to Whitney Houston

has passed out Whitney Houston has passed out it's down to Freddie Kroger and Ozzy Osbourne here they come down to the finish line it's going to be close They're running neck and neck. Here comes Ozzy. Ozzie, here comes.

Freddy Coogan. It's going to be Freddie Kruger by our nose. Oh, and Ozzy Osbourne has bitten the head off, Freddy Kruger, and won the race by ahead. Oh, what an excellent day of racing. Thank you for joining us here at the Holland Highway Celebrity Races. Until next time, I'm Charles Posley, and we'll see you in the winner's circle. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, outside of horse racing, there are other modes of transportation, obviously, and one of them is from time to time or maybe a lot of the time we have to grab a cab or a limo and get from point A to point B from the hotel to the airport or wherever

and has it ever occurred to you that your life is in the hands of some complete stranger some guy or girl you've never met in your life you don't know who they are are you don't even know their name um you don't know if they're lazy if they're peppy

if they're drunks if they're felons you have no knowledge of who they are it's just you walk up to a random car a taxi and you say you know what buddy here's uh 60 bucks get me from the airport to my hotel and the minute you sit in that car your your life is really a the hands of that person. And I have to say more often than not, okay? A lot of cab drivers can be kind of shady. Sometimes they're a little disheveled. Sometimes they seem a little unfocused.

Sometimes maybe they, you know, they don't seem like the most well-put-together people. And I know I'm doing a wide brush stroke here, okay? And I don't mean to be mean, but come on, man. I mean, you get in a cab and you don't know who you're getting. And I hate to say this, but this is a reality, so I'm going to say it. You can get in a cabin a lot of the times you have foreigners who have come to this country and, you know, it's maybe they're jumping off job or it's the only job they can get for the time being or whatever.

but you've got people that could be from Afghanistan, from Pakistan, from Cambodia, from the Dominican Republic, from Russia. Who knows where they're from? But look, I've traveled all over the world, and I can tell you 100%, a lot of countries, okay, a lot of countries. And I, you know, I've been to India, I've been to the Dominican, I've been to Cambodia, I've been to South America. I've been to a lot of places all over the world.

And the standards for driving, for roads, for traffic, for street signs, for street etiquette, for street rules, it is not the same as it is here, okay? You know how it is here. They are anal. You get a ticket for parking wrong. You can get a ticket. for taking a rolling through a stop sign. You can get a ticket for rolling through a right turn red light.

You can get a ticket if your wheels are turned the wrong way. You can get a ticket if one of your back lights is out. Okay, our roads are monitored. Our roads have cameras. Our roads have policemen hiding in the bushes. Our roads are well marked. Our roads are well lit. I mean our roads function pretty well

but there's a lot of rules and it's pretty regimented now I can tell you I've been to some of these other countries that I mentioned before and it is like a madhouse there are people driving this way and that way and the road will be paved for 40 feet

and then it's dirt and then it becomes mud and then it's a series of holes It's like driving across Swiss cheese or on the moon. There are people cutting this way and that way. There are people with things stacked on their roofs. There are people with 40 people hanging out of the back of the car. There are no stop signs.

There are no yield signs. There's no signals. There's no streetlights. It is chaos. And I'm not even exaggerating. I've been there. Okay. There's people honking.

In essence, what I'm saying is people might not be experienced when it comes to driving the way we like them to drive. And so what I'm suggesting here, and it is a reality, a lot of these people from underdeveloped countries or countries that don't have the system we have, are suddenly bombing down the road at 80 miles an hour and you're their passenger. and they've got a mindset of driving where they grew up. They are driving based on how they learn to drive in their environment. And yes, they probably passed a test here. Okay, they went through the test, they got their license. We all know it's not hard to get your driver's license here in the good US of A.

In fact, it's probably too damn easy. So suddenly you got some guy, from Cambodia or Calcutta or India or the Dominican Republic or some country in Africa where driving is at best like some kind of obstacle course on the moon. And now this human being is ripping down the highway at 80 miles an hour that you're sitting in the back, white-knuckled, watching the world blur by. and on top of that, there's a squeak and a wobble in the front wheel. Oh, God.

I'm just saying it's scary, man. So don't hesitate to lean over the seat and tell your cab driver to slow down, to relax, to take it easy. Now, all this being said, I don't want to say these cab drivers are bad people because they're not. I don't want to say they have a record of wiping out and killing people. You know what? I take cabs all the time. I've never been in an accident.

But I will say I've had some super scary drivers, man. I have had some drivers where I almost felt like, you know what? We have to crash. I think this is part of the curriculum here. There's no way driving with this guy, we're not going to crash. Okay? but as luck would have it, so far, so good. I'm just saying it's a little scary.

I mean, we're used to driving ourselves around, and, you know, I'm sure most of you get antsy even when maybe a friend drives or another family member. You're like, oh, really? Is Dad going to drive? Really? Oh, God. Okay, I don't want to say anything. But let alone some guy you don't even know.

some guy you might not even be able to communicate with so there you go if you're looking for a thrill don't go to six flags no need to bungee jump no need to go skydiving just flag down your nearest cab hang on for dear life

and pray you make it to point B hello Hi, this is Harland Williams on the Harland Highway, and here's another helpful hint. Are you tired of paying high gas prices, filling your tank, and it uses up your whole budget for the week? Well, try this. Try setting it up so that every Everything you have to do during the week is at the bottom of a hill. Make sure your meetings, your social gatherings, your restaurants, your dry cleaning are all at the bottom of a large hill.

That way, you can just push your car out onto the street, put it in neutral, and never start it. Just start rolling down the hill until you get to the bottom and get your business done for free. you'll never have to put gas in your car again just another helpful hint to help you save money here on the Harland Highway This is Eddie He wants to party

But they just hang up Jacob Wheeler Capital Network I may help you Hey man, what's up? It's Eddie Eddie? Eddie Yeah, I was uh... seen if you wanted to get together Maybe have a beer or something Eddie who? Eddie from

Home Depot, man. Okay, don't know you. Have a barbecue, maybe a couple of Budwisers? You must have the wrong number. It's Eddie from Home Depot. Who are you calling? I just want to get together with someone. Maybe have a barbecue.

Have a beer? Have a smoke, you know? Sounds good. Okay. Hey, what the hell? What? That was Eddie. He wants to party.

But they just hang up. Hey, everybody, this is Harlan Williams. You're listening to the Harlan Highway, and I don't know about you, but I just have my very first barbecue. And I got a question about barbecues. Have you noticed that if you go to McDonald's, you go to Wendy's, you go to Burger King, what do you do? You order a burger. You have a Whopper, a Big Mac, or a hot and juicy. you eat it and you move on

so why is it when you're at a barbecue you'll eat like nine burgers and seven hot dogs and everything else that's in sight hey man you want another burger dude yeah what the hell I'll have another burger sure how about a hot dog you want another well I've already had three

you won't want more yeah okay I'll have one more what the heck Like, what is it about barbecues? We have all this extra room in our stomachs, man. And P.S., the burgers at a barbecue are usually, you know, fatter and juicier than what you'd get at a fast food joint. Plus, you get to put all your own stuff on it, right? When you're doing a barbecue, yeah, I'll get,

oh, I'm going to put some onions on there. Hell, I'll put a whole onion and mayonnaise and relish and some barbecue sauce and a pickle and a whole tomato. Oh, why do we have the extra burger and the dog? I don't know. It's one of life mysteries. Well, happy eating, man. Stuff it in there.

Starting to get warm out. It's always good to look fat and your tight little speedo. Hello! Yeah, don't you hate it, man, when you, uh, you know, you spent all winter going to Baskin Robbins and going through the drive-thru and going to the steak join and sitting in front of the TV with. the cheesies and the chips and the pizza and you think life's so good until you get to that first pool party or that first beach party or that barbecue and it's so damn hot guys you just have

to take your shirts off right or ladies it's so hot you got to wear the shorts on the tube top and for the first time that year you get to see all your meat hanging out you get to to see all the damage you did over the winter. Oh, isn't it, isn't it brutal? You're just like, why, why, why, why, why, why, you go. All right, so maybe five people will, you know, maybe five points in this summer where people will see me shirtless, but aren't those five moments, the most shameful moments of your life, of your year?

Oh, it's just so brutal. But what sucks is you have to work so hard to stay completely toned, completely trim. But it takes so little effort to feel so good and eat crap, eat chips, and drink Coke, stuff ice cream down your face. Right? Oh, it's just, there's no justice, man. And then you're like, oh, yeah, barbecue, man. I'm going to get some beers, and there's going to be some girls there, and who knows? Maybe I'll get a date.

Maybe I'll hook up, and then I take my shirt off, and, oh, God. All the girls are like, oh, my God, who let the blob to the party? Oh, my God, who's that fat? Beep. Right? Oh, gosh. And then you just go screw it You throw in the towel

Yeah give me a fifth hot dog And a 12th hamburger What the hell Can you pour some bacon grease on that And a milk dip it in a milkshake for me Good God Oh well It's on the inside that counts, right?

Right, right It's all on the inside Do people believe that? Do you believe that? It's all on the inside. They're just beautiful inside. Just wonderful. I mean, forget the cellulite and the varicose veins and the crooked teeth

and the extra four inches between her eyes and her hair plugs. But inside, oh, she's just a beautiful, wonderful spirit. And you know what? As much fun as I make about it, you know what? It's actually true. It does matter what's on the inside. I'm sitting here cutting it up. But you know what? Beauty really does come from within. You can feel it. You can feel it from people when they have a beautiful soul, a good heart, a kind sensibility that they're caring, they're compassionate, they're giving, they're sharing. that is stuff that just emanates from people. And yes, I have to agree, even though I joke, beauty does come from the inside. And hopefully all of you out there can find someone that has beauty on the inside

and it matches whatever it is you're looking for on the outside. When you can find that, man, life is good. Life is very, very good. So good luck to you. I'm off to the clinic to have my face chiseled and get some dynamite put under my, wherever I may have any excessive fat. But I really don't have any because I'm freaking gorgeous, man.

See how I left that beat of silence so you can ponder and go, what's this jackass talking about, man? What a stuck-up jack? I have fun when you just tell someone how beautiful you are. Sometimes I do it for a joke. I'm gorgeous. Oh, yeah, I'm beautiful. People are just like, what, what the hell?

Next time you're out at a bar, you're at a function. Just go up to a girl you're talking with her and just start talking about how gorgeous you are. Just keep a straight face and watch the reaction, man. It's a lot of fun. But you people are gorgeous, and you're gorgeous because you stopped by the Harland Highway. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my gorgeous heart that you are here. And I also want to let you know, keep you a breast of my stand-up comedy antics. I am going to be in Philadelphia at the Helium Comedy Club,

June 10 through 13th, wonderful comedy club. For tickets, you can go to heliumcomedy.com. Or you can call them at 215-496-901. I will be there at Helium Comedy Club, Philadelphia, on the East Coast, June 10th to the 13th. And then on the West Coast, just so none of you feel left out, I will be at the Long Beach Laugh Factory,

June 17th to 19th. And for that, you can go to Laughfactory.com, click on the Long Beach Club, and it is a great, beautiful, unbelievable club down there in Long Beach. So come on out. Check the kid out live. I'll be doing a meet and greet after the show. We can shake hands, say hello.

You can see how beautiful I am, and I can see how beautiful you are. And then we can blow up. So there you go. Thanks for riding on the Harlan Highway. Hope you weren't in a taxi cab during this trip. And until next time, my friends, Chicken Chow, Maine, baby.

I'm sorry.